Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Five.

Five.

Five years.

Five. Five. Five. Five. Five years. Five fingers on a hand.

Five. Thank you five.

Five years to David Bowie's son. Five senses. Five senses. Five.

All the five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then back to anger, I think.

Five second rule, although with me it's more like the five fucking minutes rule, right? Uh, Power Rangers? Five o'clock shadow?

Number of Ben Folds, five.

Backstreet Boys and Tink, same thing.

Johnny Five, that guy from Succession that did that bad accent. Number of Hawaii O's, five. Maroon Five.

Spice Girls, five.

Five, the atomic number for Boron, five. Slaughterhouse Five, the Olympic logo is five. Interlocked Rings, five.

Brows of New York.

Five.

The most destructive tornado is a level five. Tornado five. Five dollar foot long.

Five dollar foot long.

Piled, high with mange, five dollar foot long. Five years of riddles, five years of puzzles, five years of riddles, five years of puzzles, five years of riddles. Adal! Guys, we've been going for five years.

That can't be right. Run the numbers again. Run the numbers again.

On your mark, get set, go. Two is the lead, three is pulling out ahead, four is way behind. Here comes five around the bend.

It could be five, it could be fivey. It's five, Erin.

It was five, five, one. Was I really in my 20s when we started this? That sucks, because I feel 80 now. Wow, we were both in our 20s when we started.

No, you were... I think I was 25 or 26 when we started this. Is that not the craziest, funniest thing you've ever heard? No one's that young.

Okay, I think I know what we do. JPC, Erin. The fifth anniversary gift is would. Would you guys like to stop the podcast?

Thank you so much. Yes, I would. Thank you. Thank God.

Oh, thank God. I would love to leave Leaf this podcast.

What was that?

You know what?

You know what? I think recording this podcast is a real tree.

Oak is wood.

You need to palm down.

I think this podcast is just okay.

You can't take all of them.

Take one, Erin.

Just take one. Son of a birch.

Five.

Okay. Wait. Oh, five. Five. We forgot one. Five. Five. Where's my chalk? Where's my chalk? Did I have chalk?

It's in your mouth. There is chalk in your mouth. Is that on purpose or?

Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights. Okay. Whoops. Drew Orombus. Okay. Five. Keep trying.

We've never used the chalkboard before. That's the first time we've used it. Am I holding it right? This feels so weird.

It's for emergencies. The chalkboard is for emergencies. Is this an emergency, Adal?

I can't. Can someone light a candle?

Ooh, we're about five minutes into this episode.

Woah!

Five.

Five. Five. Five. Can someone light a candle?

Yeah, I'm on it. I got like a million.

Erin has a million candles. Okay.

Now look on the floor here. I'm going to grab the chalk. Five.

You're not even using the chalkboard?

He's talking on the floor? What the fuck? Five points to a pentagram.

Uh-oh, Adal.

Oh, Adal.

Everyone hold hands.

Oh, no. Why? With each other, with each other. Okay, good. I give it, it's like a businessman giving an upside-down shake to himself.

Now, now you're kidding it. Repeat after me. Wait, let me get this.

Wait, let me get this. This toe.

I should have hold on. We actually could stop the podcast though, guys, if we wanted.

No, no, no.

Repeat after me. Repeat after me. Repeat after me.

The doctor was the mother.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish.

In the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icing pole.

Hey, what's going on? Oh my god. Adal, what did you do? Oh my god, oh my god. I think we, I think we summoned the Backstreet Boys. Five? There's five members of the Backstreet Boys?

It does not matter who you are, that reaction when you come in our room always sucks. Like, I know what I look like, but this truly is painful to see.

Head of a goat, body of a goat, wings of a goat, which is no wings, legs of a goat, huh?

Adal, Adal, stop. You don't describe what someone looks like physically when they come to do a rib.

Is that something you do?

What would you say about me?

Head of a goat, body of a goat?

I think that was about you.

Well, Erin, now that you mentioned it.

Laugh of a goat?

You have the diet of a goat. You have the diet of a goat. I watched you drink a Sprite and eat the can.

The can's the best part. It tastes like Sprite.

The can's the dessert. You guys don't eat the can when you're done with the Sprite?

Sorry demon. Give us one second. I guess we have a lot to talk about.

No, I'm on my phone. Oh. I'm just over here on my phone kind of doing my own thing right now.

Oh. Are you a riddle demon?

Demon, I notice your phone is just a slab of obsidian. Why don't you put that rock down and why don't you work for us?

Okay. Well, I guess I could. My old boss is the devil and he is not a great boss.

Well, your boss created what we're doing right now, which is podcasting. Well, actually, Conan O'Brien created it, but I think it was through the devil.

No, it was the serial lady.

Malechimp.

Her name is Malechimp, right? I was straining my brain to think of a single cereal mascot that's a woman.

Wow, canceled.

Is there any female cereal mascots? I'm working on it. Let's get some female cereal mascots, please, Mr. Demon. That's our first wish. We get three wishes, right?

Oh, yeah, sure. It is how many you want. Most people get way more, but if you are cool with being down to three, I'm cool with three.

Yeah, that's, uh, Erin, what do you think, JPC?

Um, can I have two of the three wishes?

Okay, so, so far we've used one on the cereal thing. We what? Erin, what's the other two?

I mean, that, that was right out the gate, you guys wanted that.

I wish, what do I wish?

Alright, here's what I have so far. I've got the honey bunches of a business lady. Oh, she's got like a briefcase.

I hate it.

I don't care, it don't matter to me if you hate it.

I have an idea, okay? Instead of wishes, how about we have a little competition to see who can solve the most riddles. Adal will give riddles, and if you answer the most, you win.

Erin, I just saw that demon put a fiddle back into a bag. I think he's pretty upset that he doesn't get to use a fiddle for this contest.

We'll bet a riddle of gold against his soul. Can you say fiddle?

No, buddy. Okay, no worries, no worries.

Oh, he's choking. He's choking.

Let me get behind him.

How about that? Adal give us riddles. And if you solve the most, you win and you get to take over this podcast and destroy it. And if I win, you have to leave and I can get this podcast back.

Wait, what the fuck do I do?

I don't know. Go on your obsidian phone. Yeah, go to the store, I don't know. Do you have anything to do? Did I do what you were going to do if you didn't have this?

What would I do if I didn't have this? Oh god. How do I answer that question? Oh boy, who am I without the show?

The game you could play on Twitch or something?

Walk upstairs, Marisa in a meeting, so she doesn't really need me. Is that what she's telling you? Look around at all the chores. Chores are all done. Starting to have some anxiety.

Oh no. Oh, oh, buddy, um, Erin, what should we do? What is... I can kill him.

No, no, no. That won't be necessary yet. I would say, JPC, how about you just chime in with a joke whenever you're inspired?

I'll just say, it's no trouble. Truly, I do it all the time. It is not an issue.

Here's the thing, I'm 80% sure he can't be killed.

He's probably more powerful than you are.

But yeah, JPC chime in with a joke whenever you feel inspired.

Okay. No, I can do that. Yeah. So it's a Riddle off between Erin and a demon. Is that what we're doing? That's the five year anniversary of this show. That sounds par for the chorus. It sounds right.

Okay, I don't need to fight for the honor of the show, I guess. I am a brave knight fighting a demon for my friends. Is that not cool?

Shit, that would have been perfect for honey bunches of a... I already have so many of these boxes. That's how you know. Whoa, it's a woman knight. Everyone's like, oh, whoa, shit, oh, whoa. Damn.

I think you're just describing Joan of Arc, and I don't know if people would buy a cereal with Joan of Arc on the front.

No. Yeah, no one's gonna buy a Catholic cereal.

I was thinking more of a woman tied to a steak. Unappetizing.

Hey, and I don't even know if she was a Catholic. So that probably was a big part of her whole thing, whatever it was.

Whoa, a book of riddles just appeared in front of me. Cool! Demon, you didn't create this, did you?

Uh, God, no I don't. Uh, even my dork power is not enough to conjure something like that.

Okay, alright, let me... Erin, I watched him take that out of the bag.

You just blew in my face.

No, Erin, that was good luck dust. I blew some good luck dust in your face. Good luck dust, of course, on Tea Public, five dollars a bag. Go there now.

I was gonna say, good luck dust, my favorite Dane Cook movie.

Okay, Erin? Demon?

That's just the kind of example of a joke that I might try to put over the course of an episode.

I love it, baby. You have a purpose. Your life has meaning. You matter here.

Tipsy, take up space, buddy.

Take up as much space as you want.

I feel like everyone's being mean to that guy, but he kind of deserves it, and a part of him really likes it.

We wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

Demon, should I keep calling you Demon, or do you have a preferred name? Wow.

Yeah, I actually do have a preferred name.

Ben Shapiro.

I have Baphomet.

Hey Riddle

What are we doing?

All right, so let's get let's get to our first Everybody get comfortable. Let's get to our first riddle. This is between Erin and Chucky. Here we go Sam did not see or hear it coming. He was hit hard and bruised severely Dr. Nelson who was there when it happened felt no need to give Sam any medical help despite Sam's intense pain What's going on here?

Can you read it again?

Heartbreak. Baseball. Okay, hold that there.

Sam. Sam is not a name. It's an acronym for a Sam missile battery, which is a, I think, a strategic, entire missile battery. It was hit by enemy rockets, and the doctor did not need to do anything because it is an imminent object.

Uh, that's exactly correct.

Is it a literal bruise?

No, sorry, Erin. That was right.

Oh.

Wow. I think it's also a surface to air missile. I don't mean to tell a demon his business, but I think he got it wrong.

I think demons probably know missiles inside and out. Hey, Erin, Erin. That was wrong. The correct answer was Sam was hit with bad news. But I want the demon to kind of get some wins under his belt so he gets cocky and then fucks up.

He's in this huddle right now, Adal. You huddled with double.

I invited him in. I waved him over. Erin, Erin. It's reverse psychology. Give him all the information, right?

I don't get your plan. I'll just have to trust you.

I'm being honest, I am in this huddle, but I, you guys speak way too fucking fast. I may be getting like one out of every six words.

What happened is people listened to us at 1.5 speed so much that it cursed us and now we talk at 1.5 speed.

Hmm. Yeah. I do want to, if it's permissible, sir, I would like to see a scene between Chucky and Erin.

Is that a good idea? Straightly speaking, I'll do it!

How about JPC and I do it?

Yeah, no offense, no offense. I have a question. Chucky, are you an improviser? Have you done any improvising? No, he's probably an improviser.

You don't think you're probably the devil's handiwork?

I'm basically like the Sharna helper of down here, which also means you don't want to see me improvising.

Oh, a lot of dogs just came running out of that portal. Would you like to try a scene or would you prefer JPC and Erin to do one?

You can describe the scene and I'll decide if I want to be better.

Great. So based on the fact that we all just huddled up, I do want to see a scene between any two people in the room, or maybe three, and it's going to be a huddle in football right before play. And it's a huddle where the quarterback is absolutely lights out panicking and has kind of forgotten all the plays that they typically call and is really just trying to put on a brave face. Erin, Erin is the quarterback. Great.

Hey, everybody. Anyone want to go to the mall right now?

What's the play QB? What's the play?

I feel like I need overdue for a haircut. I should probably go do that.

Haircut. I think that's where I run a flat.

And then Tom, you go post.

I always tuck a playbook into my jockstrap. Let me see. I don't see some of my armpits.

Is that bloody the nose of the other... I can't remember. Is that blood?

Hey fellas, what if we just called it a day and we had a barbecue at my house? My dad loves to grill.

Let's all go around and say one thing that we like about ourselves. I like that I'm about to walk off the field and go home.

I like that I put number 37 on a stretcher because he was all conference last year and I feel good about my improvement in tackling.

Great. I like that three days after a haircut my hair looks better than the day that it had the haircut.

Awesome fellas, when I say when, you say why. When?

Why? Why?

Exactly! It's all that important, right?

No, it's... Cubie, Cubie, are you okay? Do you... Is that my name?

I don't remember.

Your name is Quibi.

Yeah, small bites, small bites.

Small bites, small bites, small bites. Yeah, when you were born, your parents said that your esophagus wasn't connected properly to your stomach, so you had to take small bites, so they named you Quibi.

Fellas, who else has hands that are spaghetti all of a sudden? Fellas, you get it. Boys, fellas.

Listen, Quibi, the ref is telling us we have five more minutes before we have to get back into it. We really have to hurry. We've been on the field in this huddle for way too long.

Great. Who wants to hold me like a baby? I do. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Um... Quibi, that's crazy enough. It might just work.

Break. Here are my shoes and I'm running off the field.

And we take you back down to the field where it looks like they're finally gonna start their play.

Okay. Oh, and there's the snap to Quibi, and it looks like it looks like the center, number 55, Tom. Looks like Tom Sullivan, he's picking up the QB, carrying her like a baby, and running her into the end zone.

Oh my god, they're both down almost immediately. That did not work at all, and it looks like they're both seriously injured.

It looks like also a loss of 72 yards, so that's going to really set back the fighting potatoes.

Hey fellas, the way you're attempting this game really hurt my feelings. What have you lied about what was going on down there, fellas?

Well, it looks like the soul of the quarterback has floated out of their body and is now dangling right outside the other room.

Chucky. Chucky. When JPC said the soul of a quarterback, you got a big grin on your face.

You know, you know, that was doing something to my little demon parts. That's all that's all I'll say, because I don't know what kind of podcast this is if I can save more.

Oh. What's a Riddle?

I can't wait till you have to leave. You gotta get out of here, man. We're perfect just the three of us. We don't need no demon here.

Oh, Erin. Uh, Erin?

What? What?

Janet Varney.

Well, she's the best.

Yeah. We're- Oh yeah? I know Janet. You know- You know Janet? Yeah, we run in similar circles.

I doubt it. You're lying. You're lying to try to impress us. No way.

You know what? I think this demon actually might be from Hollywood if I'm reading the vibe right. That explains the sunglasses.

Let's see. Hey, um, demon. Checky.

Thank you for remembering my name that I told you ten minutes ago.

How do you feel about the writers and SAG strike?

Oh my god, these studios are getting hammered by these fucking parasites.

I knew it.

All we want is to use your likeness to make AI forever and pay you nothing. How is that so hard to get?

Wait, did you say all we want? Hold on. Do you? Are you? Are you a big up in Hollywood?

Well, you didn't ask, but my last name is Zavloff.

Baphomet Zavloff. I mean, that sounds right. Yeah, it sounds right. Okay, okay. Chucky, Erin, are you ready for the second question?

I am.

Here we go. Here's the number two riddle. The robbers broke into Rick's house and stole everything except for two $100 bills carelessly left in plain view. Why didn't they take those?

They were fake girls.

Did they have poop on them? They weren't fake. I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking the same thing. JBC, honestly, a lot of times I can't tell the difference between you and Chucky. I mean, you're both standing right next to each other. Sort of rude. No, I'm just saying. I think he likes it.

Both of us. It's a compliment.

Um, who? Uh, no poop and they are real, they are real bills.

Um, are they under glass or something?

Erin, they're not under glass, although I appreciate that term. I think that's, um, very fun.

What?

Are they buffalo bills?

Um, no, but I do appreciate, you know, that whole song and, uh, scene in the movie, of course.

They're the wrong kind of currency.

Like they're not- Erin, you're getting warmer.

They're, oh, they're Monopoly money.

It's not Monopoly money.

Oh, they're Canadian dollars.

Not Canadian dollars. Well, just as colorful, but spends the same, I believe. Any other guesses? You were closest with, Erin, you said something that was closest, but I can't remember. Sorry, just staring at this goat in sunglasses is really throwing me for a loop.

Still me.

I'm going to take off these sunglasses. I'm sorry. You just who? This is a bell on you. Actually, I'm going to tag your ear, Erin. Is that okay?

Yeah.

Well, just in case, Erin, just in case you get lost.

Yeah, she gets it. Um, if you're upset about this episode, you messaged them, not me.

Erin, earlier we were fighting tooth and nail for a woman, Cyril Vescott, and now you're upset because we're tagging your ear?

Wow. Messaged them, not me.

Also, I will just say, if everyone wants to get microchip, I wouldn't hate that. It's not the mark of the beast in any way.

You sound like a while.

Interesting.

Um, can I have a hint, Adal?

Uh, Erin, yes, you can have a hint. Um, so, two robbers broke into Rick's house and stole everything except for the two $100 bills carelessly left in plain view. Um, Erin, the hint is, um, they are bills. Uh, they are real bills, but not bills in the way that we're currently thinking, um, on- Would these be, like, bills that he- Oh, like electric bills. Oh, I see. I said it first. I think, uh, Chucky, I'm so sorry, I think Erin got to it first. You were talking too slowly. Erin is right, the $200 bills were the phone bill and the electric bill. Wow, they were both equally the $100? They were, um, I mean, yeah. You never had that happen?

No, my phone bill is pretty consistent. My electric bill is the one that kind of changes prices, depending on usage.

Hmm. Uh, Chucky, do you have AC in hell?

Oh yeah, uh, AC Slater? Yeah, Mario Lofa. Oh wait, is Mario Lofa dead yet when this comes out? When is this one dropping?

We can't keep doing this on the show. We can't keep doing this.

We can't keep predicting death. All I'm saying is he never ages, right? So some deal was made. Yeah, of course, of course. Actually, Chucky, we do, we'll figure this out. We need to take a quick break. Is that okay with you? Do you have anything you can busy yourself with while we take a quick break?

Um, I was just gonna put on another pot. the podcast.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Okay, and we're back. Chucky, it seems like you disappeared into a plume of smoke and went out through the window for a few minutes. Where'd you go?

Okay, I just want to chime in and say real quick. I don't know if that was smoke. That was some of the worst smelling, smelling old eggs.

So that's smoke. Don't embarrass him.

I think he did it on purpose. He did it right as I was talking, so it felt very on purpose.

Like you've never crop dusted. My dude, I've been in a studio with you hundreds of times.

Okay, this seems like someone has something personal going on here. I don't want to get in the middle of it, but yes I did, Farkbob. The entire studio, as I left.

Come on, Chuckie.

Good for you. Wow. Hey, Erin, whose side are you on?

I don't know anymore. Maybe this should end. Maybe this should be taken over by a demon. We've been careening towards that since day one.

I do have a question. If Chucky takes over the podcast when he inevitably wins the Riddle battle, where do I go? Do I continue on with Chucky? Because I feel like I'm not part of this right here, so it's like, do I go with him? Do I stay with you? Would you guys be mad if I went with Chucky?

Well, you guys already have matching necklaces for some reason, so I feel like I know what answer you want me to say. I prefer you stay here on the podcast, or even if the podcast gets turned over.

So you prefer that I stay with the podcast? Just so we're clear, that's what you said.

Well, with Erin and I. Okay.

Hold on, I'm just googling something really quick. Improvisors who are agents of chaos, but somehow completely have their life together. Trying to get you replaced.

This can't be a viable Google, right? This can't turn up a list of people.

GBC, she said what she said, but she typed in what is a Roth IRA.

You have to know. No one will tell me!

Erin, do yourself a favor, girl. Watch Shoshank Redemption.

This problem solved. I will not.

Okay, the score right now is Chucky1, Erin1. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have said Chucky1. Chucky has one point, Erin1.

Okay, let's start my new podcast introducing my co-hosts. Okay, okay, fine.

Who was going to be your co-host, JPC?

Yeah, now I want to know. Who was it going to be? I hope it was me. It was one of the, it was one of you two. I'll be fucking pissed.

It's probably like Dana Carvey or someone. Damn, that would be a good get. Yeah. Okay, it's one to one. Here's the next riddle. Troy was Matthew's father. Matthew was from a broken family and only saw his father, Troy, on weekends. Troy was not currently married and Matthew was not his son. What's going on here?

Can you read it again?

Troy was Matthew's father. Matthew was from a broken family and only saw his father, Troy, on weekends. Troy was not currently married and Matthew was not his son. What's going on here?

Is this like an ex-stepdad sort of thing?

I don't think that's a term anyone uses ex-stepdad.

Former stepdad. What was that, Erin? Former stepdad.

I like that term better, but that is also incorrect.

It's awesome.

So, Erin, let me give you... I honestly hate saying this because it's actually... I already have like a bad taste in my mouth.

It tastes like freshly baked pancakes.

Like fucking gross.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

No. You need bugs and vomit.

Was Troy his priest? Oh, yeah. Erin, I tried to help you. Yeah, Father Troy, Father Troy, right? Get it, Father, was a preacher at a Catholic church. Matthew went to church every Sunday where he saw Father Troy.

All right, whoever wrote this riddle, there's no such thing as a preacher at a Catholic church.

Well, here's, JPC, here's the thing. I think all the riddles in this book that appeared in front of me, I think, I think Chucky created that book. So I was trying to just make one up on the spot. And I thought maybe a church one would like burn Chucky or something.

Um, This sucks.

Just saying. A Catholic preacher is a priest. If someone told me they were a Catholic preacher, I'd say, well, you're a fucking liar.

Well, should we take it to Riddle Court? If you want to take it to Riddle Court, we just have to go to Riddle Court. You can't, like, skirt around the idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, actually- Chucky's gonna thrive in the court system.

Actually, I think I do want to take this one to Riddle Court. I want to take this one to fucking Riddle Court.

Oh boy.

I'll stand for Judge JP Riddles.

All rise, all rise, all rise.

Everybody sit down. There's no reason to rise. We all have raccoons under our robes, so we don't have to get them all agitated for nothing.

How do you spell raccoons under your robes?

What? Why am I in handcuffs here? Have I been arrested? What's going on?

You're on trial for the terrible riddle.

And this is also an excuse to do a character parade. It's me, Dr. Chameleon.

Is it really, though, Dr. Chameleon? Maybe we should touch his face. Shouldn't we touch his face a little bit just to see?

I don't know. It's me, Puzzbot. Why don't you ask Monkey Bones?

I'm your monkey bones, and I'm a lawyer.

Judge J.P. Riddles, can you list off all the evidence against this demon?

Now normally I would be happy to list off all the evidence against this demon, but I think a squirrel took my little court paper and I need that back because that had my social security number on it and a very important man's gonna be calling me to figure out how to get my nephew and niece back.

Why are we in court again? What is this show?

What's going on? I don't have any context for the show, so... Well, it's a Riddle podcast.

It's three friends, and we try and solve riddles and puzzles and a lot of thinking problems. And along the way, we do improvise scenes and bits and goofs and gags.

And that's been going for five years?

We don't want it to have, man. I wanted it to wither on the vine and die, okay? But three months in or so, people were like, okay, you know, or they left their, you know, their iPod players on or whatever it is. But we, we've been, we've been going, we have a fan base. I don't know how to phrase that.

What sucks is I do like it here, and I basically had to sit out the entire episode. And that's the one thing that I do that I like. And I had to sit here and do nothing?

No, no, you had that Dane Cook joke. Remember?

Oh yeah, you had that Dane... that sounds like a Dane Cook special. Remember? Yeah, but I only get one per episode. Usually I'm doing lots of Dane Cook jokes. Well, you said five or six ones, but we had to cut them out.

Oh, please tell me we didn't cut out my somebody shit on the coats bit.

We did.

Yeah, we did.

Well, it was in the middle of a riddle because they said, is there poop on the bills? And then you said, did somebody shit on the coats? And I was like, we can't, we have to cut that out. Cut that out so much for me and it sucks. Casey's editing in real time for this. Well, guilty.

Oh god. Yeah, boy.

Okay, so Adal, back to the riddles.

Okay, so currently it is Chucky has two points, Erin you have one. Here's the next riddle. Carl's grandfather's hands were cut off during the accident. Not a drop of blood was shed though. How? Uh, clock. What kind of clock?

Grandfather clock.

Wow, Erin. Yes, Carl's grandfather clock was damaged in the accident. I have to lay down. What?

Oh my god, I'm so stressed. Erin, what's going on? I'm just out of the weight of the world. I have to fight for this podcast. What are people going to listen to at their jobs where they're bored? We have to do this for them.

There's literally millions of podcasts.

No, I think it's just us.

What the fuck? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck are you talking about? Shut the fuck up. Millions of podcasts.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, Erin. Do you notice that JPC is kind of changing, like his voice, his gesticulating. Isn't it weird?

I'm too tired to notice. Oh god, oh god, Adal, I don't know how much more of these I can do.

Erin, what can I do to help? It's tied 2-2. I guess we have time for one more riddle, maybe two? What do you want me to do?

Uh, yeah, give a couple more riddles so I can win.

Wait, if we do two though, what's the tiebreaker? I mean, you can't end on a tie, right?

Well, I think, I think I have something, uh, wink, wink, uh, up my sleeve. Um, JPC, I'm gonna have Erin do what she does best. Rap? Sleep? Oh, yeah. Erin I got your back. Here we go. Next Riddle. Only one of the diners was happy after tasting the meal. The other eaters did not complain, but clearly they were not happy. Anita, the cook, felt great about the reaction to the 8 meals she had cooked. Why?

Um, it was, can you read it again?

Only one of the diners was happy after tasting the meal. After tasting the meal, the other eaters did not complain, but clearly they were not happy. Anita, the cook, felt great about the reaction to the eight meals she had cooked. Why? And Erin, eight meals is a hint, wink wink.

Um, all the meals I had been eaten. Huh? Eight. They're eight meals.

Okay, Erin, think about happy and then eight. Happy and eight. And even with eight, subtract one and think of happy. Seven. Seven and happy. Wink, wink. What? Only one diner was happy.

There was seven... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. So this is Happy Gilmore. Adam Sandler, famously when he does his projects, brings six of his all-samp, untalented friends along with him. And they just get to be millionaires as well. I shouldn't say that. Rob Snyder is a close and personal friend of mine. He's a good guy. He's an Asian good guy.

Good politics.

It's not Happy Gilmore. Erin, think of the number seven.

Yes.

Okay. What famously has seven of something and one of them is happy. One of seven is happy.

Seven dwarves.

Yes. And add one. So there's eight meals. That would be... Snow White. And? The Seven Dwarfs. Yes, the diners were Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Only one of the eaters was named Happy. Erin, remember bad riddles?

I faint.

Oh, she fainted. I'm fainting. Oh, we don't have another ad break. It's okay, just go on to the next riddle and... Don't worry, I did it for attention.

Oh. I'm fine. Carry on.

Don't, don't worry. I did it for attention. Huh?

Huh?

How does that work?

It doesn't matter. Okay, here's our last riddle. Okay, the score is Erin has three, Chucky you have two. For either the win or a tie, here's the riddle. A doctor and a lawyer were driving a car. As they passed the scene of an accident, the doctor exclaimed, that's my wife. The lawyer started yelling at the doctor. Why?

I know this one. The lawyer, that's the doctor's girlfriend.

Oh wow. Yes, the lawyer was the woman, huh? Maybe add that to the theme? The lawyer was a woman in love with the doctor. He had neglected to tell her he had a wife. Wow.

No. What? No. No.

Erin? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got that one so fast. It's just that we are pretty much wall-to-wall lawyers down here. No.

Uh, no. No, I'm saying you can't win. You can't, you can't win. You can't take over this podcast for, I know that you've sort of been pulling the strings behind the scenes for a long time, probably, but like, you can't fully take over.

He's been playing the fiddle. I don't think they call it pulling the strings. He's been playing the fiddle.

See, Jamesy, you got another joking. I wasn't even going to- People are going to remember that one.

Okay, it is, it is unfortunately tied. Uh, Chucky has three, Erin has three.

Oh.

But I have a backup just in case this happened, which I thought it might. So, Erin, we're gonna do what you do best. We're gonna rap for the win.

Oh God, I don't do that best. See, I'm literally yawning while you say that.

Erin, I've never heard somebody yawn in the middle of exclaiming loudly, oh God. Usually, those are the bookends of a reaction.

Oh God. Oh God, I can't believe it. Help her. Help her. Help her. Help her.

I'm being robbed. I'm being robbed.

There's a first for everything, Erin. You are silly in a family.

No, you know what? That's how I used to react to having to write papers in college. Panic and exhaustion. I'd be like, oh god, this dude like takes hours. Holy crap.

I think if Erin was going to teach a master class, it would be called panic and exhaustion.

We have some of the greatest rappers of all time down here in hell. I'm talking

Is Blondie still? We'll have to check on that.

Yeah, we'll have to check, but she did weirdly rap in that one song. I think he invented the genre. I don't think that's right. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. Chucky, we're gonna start with you, okay? And let's see, your topic is, looking around the room, GPC, what's a good topic to throw a demon off his game?

Okay, oh, something that a demon can't go anywhere near. Yes, yes, yes. Demon, your topic is sprite. Oh, fuck, wait, that was a perfect topic for fear.

Erin would have crushed that and then... Well, I don't mind doing a rap about sprite, but you fine folks do look close enough at the contract.

What? What do you mean? Did we sign a contract? Did any of us sign a contract? I signed it really quickly, but that's how I signed all the contracts.

I signed a birthday card. Oh, fuck. I signed a contract, I think.

Yeah, you signed a contract and you said best wishes. Which is also a weird thing to write on a birthday card, it feels. Is that legally binding?

Yeah, make the best wishes when you blow out your candles. You're weird. I'm not weird.

There's a clause in the contract you all signed that says I...

A clause? Uncle Santa? No. Lamb's door. No. Oh, my fucking nose!

I don't even care that there's a demon here. That will not come in. No, no.

You know Uncle Santa only comes through the front door.

No.

You just broke his nose. Okay, fine. Sorry, Chucky. What was in the clause?

The clause says I can substitute

I think he's confused. Aaron, don't worry. This is present-day M&M, not M&M from 20 years ago, so I think it'll be fine.

Yeah, it seems pretty good out of it right now.

M&M sprite. Yeah, here we go. Obey your thirst. Obey your curse. Curse and dunce, dunce and check sin. Check in, checks mix. Mix not Steve Martin, Martin Martin, Martin Martin, use a crazy, use a crazy, crazy, crazy sprite, crazy force sprite. Sprite, sprite light, night light, turn off the dark spider-man. Curse and dunce, dunce and check sin. Oh no. In way go. Eldaraj. Uh. Marsh Simpson. I'll hound me. I'll hound me. I'm lonely. Pick up the phoneie.

Call me. It looks like the demon's packing up a suitcase.

Yeah. Backgrowning. I'm groaning. And grinning. I'm winning. Tiger blood.

I can see him buying flights on his phone.

He's trying to get the hell out of here. Big birdie. Big birdie. Sesame sweet. Sesame seeds. Baseball. Baseball. All that. It's all that. Ah, Nickelodeon.

Sprite. Oh, no. Erin, that's... Honestly, I wasn't expecting much, but that is the best rap I've ever heard. Erin, that will be hard to beat. You are screwed. Okay, Erin, it's now your turn. All right. Let's give Erin... Let's really set her up to knock this out of the park.

Softball.

That's Erin, your suggestion is softball.

No, no, give me a better one. Give me a better one.

Okay, something for her to really... Something on theme for the episode. Knock it out of the park. Baseball.

Number five.

Five. Five. Okay. Let me tell you why I know I'm alive. It's because I've made it to the number five. I love that number. I really do. I'm just going to ask, what about you? Can you believe we made it this far? I didn't know I could make it this far. I'm looking down. I'm sorry. Hold on. I'm still going. Don't stop it. All right. Here we go.

Ready? Eminem is writing a lot of this down.

Yeah. Grief, denial. Oh no, sorry. Grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression. You guys, I can't stress to you enough how hard it is to do this before I even say anything that they are talking about. I haven't even said anything. Do you think you haven't said anything? Do you think you haven't said anything when you go,

Okay, hold on.

Okay, wait. Okay, here we go, here we go.

Oh. Stand up, stand up again.

No, no, no, Erin, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I get to keep going.

She started in 2018. And you know what? I don't mean to be mean, but it's been a really, really good time. I've even got a little better at rhyme. And you know what? I want to win this thing because I want to win it. And you know what? This show's actually really great and I look forward to recording it. And I think that we should fight for it. I think we should do another five years. I don't think we should give up, okay? This is a funny thing and I think we should keep doing it. I don't want to quit. Serves up my guy 100%. Thank you Erin from the past. From a Patreon episode. I agree. Erin M&M's crying.

Wow.

It is a good show. It's fun.

I honestly, in case you cut this shit off, I honestly think he's been crying for a couple of minutes now.

Yeah, and you know what? I know we're not adding anything to society and we don't make anyone's day better, but this is fun to record and I'd like to keep going, even if we don't release the episodes anymore.

Okay, okay. It's my job to judge this rep contest, so... I mean, do my tabulations.

Oh, and also keep in mind, while Erin was rapping, it looks like Eminem threw up on a sweater. Is that... Is that Manacotti? What is that?

No, he's just wearing my sweater from the sweater episode.

Still got these jokes, though. He barks something on it. With Angel hair? What is that?

You're not gonna want that sweater back. Okay, I gotta say, this was the closest rap contest we've ever done on the show.

That was the worst rap I've ever done on this show.

Erin, I think your biggest mistake was starting the rap by warming up and going, ha ha ha.

Okay, JPC, what do you do here? Because you know, you know Chucky's gonna make you his co-host if you go with him. But also, Erin said a lot of nice things about the show. It's pretty obvious that she wants you to stay. Adal, mystery vibes from him. You have no idea which way that guy wants this to go.

Oh, and look, it looks like a little JP Riddles and a little Monkey Bones have popped up on either one of JPC's shoulders. Those must be his inner voices.

That is not a balance for him. That is not good. That is not two equal sides. That is bad.

It's like how black holes are formed.

Oh, yeah. Very good point. Very good point. No, I'm not gonna put my finger in there.

Who said that?

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Which one is which?

Oh, they're fucking- JP Riddles and Little Monkey Bones are fucking- Oh, no. That can't be good.

Canonically. I have to do- I have to do what's right. I have to do who actually did a better rap. And so I am going to award my judges point to Erin Keif.

I don't know.

I'm just talking with you. I don't care. We do better, I think.

But what podcast are you going to take over? Yeah, what are you going to... It's not us.

I'm looking to be the fourth mic on the Joe Rogan Experience. Now I know what you're thinking. That's a really good show already. Will a demon named Chucky make it better? And I hope so.

Well, I want to say good luck and enjoy Austin, I want to say.

Yeah, I want to say good luck Chuck again, make another Dayton Cook movie reference, and you know, it was a real pleasure to meet you.

Oh, do you need me to erase the pentagram of Chuck?

Do you need us to validate your parking?

Do you just walk out the front door? He's walking out the front door. He's walking out the front door. Oh, he's leaving Uncle Santa's coming in. He's pissed. He's got blood running down his nose.

Hey, I didn't ask to be on the show, okay? It's rude for a ho ho ho. Who's paying my medical bills?

You don't have insurance? Well, you work one day a year, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, it's, yeah.

Um, anything to plug? That can't be right.

Yeah, I'd love it if someone could plug my nose. It's fucking bleeding all over the place.

Ho, ho, ho. Okay, let me break this chalk in half and stick one of each piece up your nostril.

I refuse to help him. Thank you. Was that so hard? I'll be on my way.

See you in September. No, no, that's not the right month for... Dammit, he's gone.

Um, Erin, anything you have to plug?

Um, check out sitcom D&D. It's a much more pleasant experience over there. No, no, no. This rules. I'm at what I said. I like this place. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, I want to plug. I assume, Erin, now that you... And also, I just... Erin, thank you so much. You truly saved the show from extinction, so thank you for that. You're welcome.

I'm waiting to get Venmo'd.

Okay. I'm sending you a Venmo request right now. I guess I want to plug in, I want to say six months or so, nine months. I don't know how long it'll take to gestate, but I want to plug the appearance of... Little JP Bones, which I assume is gonna be the offspring of a pretty flyer for a right guy, of JP Riddles and Little Monkey Bones, so I'm looking forward to- So do you think that they've been fucking for three months already, or do you think that it's a six-month gestational period for whatever that baby's gonna be? If I'm being honest, I think it's a live birth in five minutes. I think that's how quickly it moves. So... For sure, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, and I want to plug Erin's rapping skills. Thank you so much for... You know what? Because you took another take, because you were willing to commit to it and not take a nap after the first round, I think that's what put us over the top, so thank you.

Yeah, Erin, I think you really did it. You really saved the day once again.

I saved the day. Chucky... Sorry, Chucky, let me draw a pentagram. Oh, I lost my chalk. Chucky, if you can hear us, anything you want to plug?

Yeah, just a sitcom D&D. No, no, come on. 3 of my favorite shows. Riddle.

Sucks to hear.

Sucks to hear it that way.

I hope he's a patriot. JPC, do you have anything you want to plug or review you like to read?

Look, I just want to give another shout out to the fans, the people that listen. Sorry about this one, but for all the other ones that we do that you liked, thank you so much for listening to the show. We're happy that we get to keep doing it, and we're happy that some people like it. For instance, some people like it enough to go and write a five-star review for us, and sometimes I read some of those motherfuckers live on the show. This one's from DJ Nicky Nicky Nock. I'm sorry, I hate to correct myself, but it's from DJ Nicki Nickknock, which is completely different. Brings the ha-has and the hmm's. Come join Adal, Alan, and KFC on the high Riddle sees. These blokes will bust your guts so hard you'll be crying for days after listening. Peace, love, and riddies. Thank you so much, DJ Nicky Nick Nock.

Thank you, DJ Nick Nick Nock. That was really nice. And Erin, JPC and I were just passing notes during plugs here, and we thought it only fitting that we kind of reword you or thank you by closing the show and having Coco Cashmere do a rap. She's dead.

Jupiter, bye!

No, just give it up. Genuine. Genuine. Genu-Rosay. Rosay. Rosario. Dawson. Dawson's Creek. Creek. Shit's Creek. Creek.

Creek. And Casey, go ahead and post if you can. Take the devil voice and just take all that effect out, strip the effect and make it my normal voice.

Okay.

And put the devil effect on JPC. Yeah. Reverse everything. Hey there, Publix and Accesses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We have special guest Janet Varneon to join us for some more Public Access TV. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month, or get that 7-day free trial, or the Review crew for $8 a month, and get those ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.