Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Alright, I'm just going to do roll call really quick. Just say present or here if you are here. JPC.

Okay, would you accept unblinking eye contact if I'm here? Or should I actually say present in here?

I'm going to take the fact that you are talking to me as you being here. Unless you're calling in.

You have gorgeous eyes. You have gorgeous eyes, by the way.

Thank you. That's really nice.

You must tell me who your person is.

My eye person? Yeah. Nothing, man. These are just my eyes. Bullshit. Fuck you. Bullshit. Adal? Rifai, are you here?

Yes. Present. And no comments about your eyes.

Oh, thanks. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

Not even a little twinkle.

No, I think that box has been ticked.

She's not going to tell you who your person is just because you ask in a different way, guy. Come on, man. Come on. And she didn't tell me she's not telling you.

Plus, you don't need it. Erin Keif, is she here? Yes, I am here. Well, Erin, your eyes are so lovely. It looks like you've lived a thousand lifetimes in those eyes. They look so wise. They look so beautiful.

I don't want to call a woman crazy, but this is interesting. I'll say interesting.

This is interesting. All right, it seems like we're all accounted for, all three hosts. JPC said he's here, I think. Adal says he's here and Erin's here. So I think we can get started.

Oh Erin, I think there's been a, there's a post there that might have fallen off. We have a, we have a guest today.

Oh, we have a new student. Mano Agapion, come on in. Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm sorry. I'm not looking at anyone's eyes. I'm averting my gaze. I refuse to get caught in this, so I'm averting gaze. I'm not usually this mysterious. I'm just averting my gaze.

Averting your gaze. You and Tennessee both. Where are you from, Mano? Are you transferring schools? Yeah. North Carolina, actually.

Yeah. Hey, I think, I think.

It's okay. Somewhere in the middle. Yeah, I was bullied. I was too bullied and I had to move school. Oh, no.

Yeah. Well, we were going to, GPC and I were going to bully you because you're the new kid. But now we're not. Well, now we're not.

I think you want to hear how sad it was the way I got bullied. I might change your mind. The popular boys befriended me and asked me to walk home with them and I thought I was walking on sunshine and as I walked home with them I realized no one was around and that's when I saw that it was actually the popular girls who put dog shit on a piece of wood and then flung it at me.

Where did they get a piece of wood?

Ah, gonna go ahead and cross off as you to Waka's home. Don't want to call someone from North Carolina crazy on the podcast.

Well, thank you for coming on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So maybe don't bully me, unless you're okay with bullying me. Did that story affect you or no? I mean, yes. Yeah. I'm crying. Yeah.

I gotta rethink a lot of my choices so far in this episode.

Well, thank you so much for coming on Hey Riddle Riddle. It's an honor to have you. My pleasure. We ask all of our guests this. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, tricky games, anything like that?

Escape rooms, lateral thinking problems.

Ooh, you know what? Out of all of those, I like escape rooms. You know what? I like puzzles, and I like escape rooms, and then I guess I like riddles. Because before you said that, I was like, I don't like riddles because they make me feel dumb. But that's not true, because I'm fucking, I'm good at puzzles. In fact, I'm so good at a puzzle that I recently was voted out of a survivor, a mock survivor game, because I like housed two puzzles, like, um, and then I put a target on my own damn back.

Oh, okay. So this is like a, you're like playing Survivor. This isn't like a group of friends who are like watching Survivor. That's what I heard at first. I was like, oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, no, like a friend game of Survivor.

Is this the one that Mary Hollins is a part of?

Possibly. There's like different fucking survivor games out here. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. In LA. One hosted by Ryan Barton, one hosted by Matt Pavlovich. I don't know.

I've never lived in LA. Mano, you and Erin both live in LA currently. It feels like LA holistically is a game of survivor. It feels like it's all the hot... Interesting people from elsewhere in the US all race to LA and then it's who's gonna last the longest. Yeah, that's outwit, outlast, outplay.

And then it's whoever can keep their arms up the longest. That's what we have to do at Auditions now is just hold our hands up.

Right? And sometimes people you don't think are going to win-win and you're like, wow, they won. How good for them. Jennifer Coolidge won. How did she do that? Her social game, yeah.

Yeah. Actually, we'd love to see her on Survivor if we can make a call about that.

That would be great. Of course, ironically, Mike White was on Survivor. So good.

His season's so good.

Very good. But yeah, it is a game of Survivor. It's a mystery and you never know if beauty, brains, or brawn will win out. They kind of, they all win interchangeably based on the year. Yeah.

Oh man. Did you watch the most recent season?

I sure did. And what a fun, weird time.

Are you a big Carolyn head? Are you a big Carolyn?

Oh yeah, Carolyn. She's a maniac. I love her. What an atypical winner. In my eyes.

I could put the episodes on mute and just like absolutely cackle at her expressions.

Maybe the best facial reactions I've ever seen. Yeah, just pure. Like everything your body's feeling. Just go, go, go. Push it to the brain. Don't think anything.

Go, go, go, push it to the brain. Sounds like the first song in a new musical, like about the circulatory system, perhaps?

They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel of these musicals nowadays.

Just picture Ben Platt belting go, go, go, push it to the brain.

Mano, speaking of reality TV, you have a headgun podcast called Drag Her and when you watch Drag Race, are you, is it, obviously it's Drag Race, it's Survivor, are you just big reality TV across the spectrum or do you have ones that you like stick to?

I have ones I stick to, but I do love a lot of reality TV. I also host a podcast with Betsy Sedaro called We Love Trash, and we celebrate a lot of reality trash on there. But there's some that go too far. We tried to watch MILF Manor. Did you hear about MILF Manor?

I heard about it. Unfortunately, I heard about MILF Manor.

It's so upsetting where it's like, first of all, if it was just MILFs, I think I could get behind it. But as you probably know, it's eight MILFs. And the eight of their children, their own children in the house all trying to get fucked and it's really, it's dark.

Did you watch, and this is gonna be hard for me because I don't know the name of it and I kind of only half understand the premise, but it's a new reality show and it's like, I think it's maybe it's like eight couples that are either gonna break up or get married, but it's all gay women who are on this cast and then they move into a Thanks for watching! She just came out and I was watching it with my wife and I'm not the right person to watch reality TV shows with because I don't watch reality TV shows. And I'm like, what's going on? Like, should these people, should these people be, are they okay? Should they be saying this stuff? Does someone need to help them? Like, they just need to not be on TV with this. It felt really bad to watch and I'm not really sure if it's unique to that show or I'm just, I'm just not the right target audience. No, it's bad.

It's like the NFL. Like I wonder if in 30 years if either of them will survive because they're both ruining lives. Head trauma.

I started a new one. Have you watched Farmer Wants a Wife yet?

I started it and it was too much America porn. Like it was so obviously not for me. It's for people who want me dead. So I was like, I can't watch this.

Now, Erin, correct me if I'm wrong. That's where there's a farmer and he is staying in a house with a possible potential wife, a fox, a chicken and a bag of green.

Yes, and he has to make sure that they don't all eat each other, so he has to keep moving them from room to room.

You know what, Adal, just for that bullshit that you tried to pull, tried to connect it back to Riddles, just for that motherfucking bullshit, I'm gonna make you do a Riddle now. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna make you do a Riddle now. This is something that I love. So sometimes people, we're going to do some listener submitted riddles today, and we got a ton of listener submitted riddles from a person in 2018 who emailed me back in 2021 to let me know that they've changed their name. So this goes out to everyone. If you send me an email in 2018 and I'm about to hit your email and you want to change your name, The phone lines are open. Feel free to get your changes in now. So Jasper, these are some of Jasper's riddles. Thank you for giving me that life update, Jasper.

And a word of warning, if you email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com, we will take so long to respond that you will have changed your personality by the time we get back to you. You're going to be a completely different person, probably don't listen anymore. So please email us.

Half a decade ago.

It is very funny because I always, when I hit these 2018 emails, I always ask, are these people still listening? And occasionally some of them reach out and be like, I am still listening. Thank you for, five years later, thank you for reading my riddle. Okay. Jasper says that they have these riddles stored up in their brain and they had to pass them along. Here's your first one. I think we're going to try to start off like, you know, a little easy, ramp our way in, but here's your first riddle. I have six faces, but never wear makeup. I have 21 eyes, but cannot see. What am I?

That's usually right. That's a good first guess.

Yeah, T1 eyes. It's so dumb when I heard 21 eyes, I was like, what celebrity is like, Vento Vignamiglia? Like, what celebrity has 21 eyes in their name? Okay, this is hard.

Was that, like, Vera Fermiga, Mike Barbiglia, like, smushed up into one celebrity mashup?

We had a baby. So this has six faces. Can you repeat, JPC, could I plead of you, please to repeat the easy riddle.

Absolutely, and I am sorry that I said that I was going to rip us up with the easy ones. That's always a mistake to say. It always comes right before the hardest riddle we've ever heard. I have six faces but never wear makeup. I have 21 eyes but cannot see what am I.

Now, it's not a potato, I'm guessing, because they don't have faces, but they have eyes. Is this like a diamond?

Interesting. So you're guessing what it's not at this point. I'm trying to rule something out.

Apple watches weren't invented right. Right? That wasn't a thing yet. Was that still iPod nano time? Where were we?

Now, would we consider like the, what is it called? Facets of a diamond? Would we consider those faces?

Oh, interesting. I bet.

If a jeweler were to look at it, its eyes would be reflected back at it. I want to help you here.

It's not a kaleidoscope.

Is it Pennywise? Wow. Six faces, 21 eyes.

Let me see. Maybe I can give you some hints here. This would be something that you would find in a Las Vegas casino.

Roulette wheel, craps. Oh, blackjack.

I know the 21 seems like blackjack and that's my that's my fault. It is not. Erin you said it. You said it in a way that you're like of course. It's not that. A craps table Adal you'd find on a craps table.

Dice.

Erin, it is a six-sided die. Wow.

I played craps this weekend in Vegas. I'd never played it before I went to Vegas and I played it and I still don't know how to play it.

There's a few things about craps. It's the best odds in the house, I believe, in terms of like you're more likely to win that than any other game. It's the most fun to play because the entire table's yelling and screaming usually because they're all betting the same bets. But your money goes so fast. You can be, you can put down $500 and it's gone in, I want to say like 30 seconds. I hate gambling. I don't like it. It's awful.

It's very bad. Yeah, it scares me. I'm not, I'm very risk averse in general. So I'm just like, I will let me pay. Vegas is already a ripoff. So like, let me pay for something concrete. Like, let me pay for a shitty meal that costs $40, but that's at least concrete. You can't just take my money for and tell me it's because it's fun. No, this is not fun.

I'm not a big gambler.

I do like Vegas though because I love a breakfast buffet. And I used to have to go to Vegas for work all the time. And man, people were like, we're going gambling. I'm like, cool. I got to wake up at seven because I'm going to be spending three hours in the breakfast buffet before the conference starts. I do want to see a scene real quick. So we're going to see Erin. You are going to be a, this is a first time craps table. So it's all first timers. But Erin, you also are running the craps table and you're a first timer as well.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we'll have you roll first, I think.

Me?

Yeah, green chips are either $15 or $100. Let's say a hundred.

Yeah, let's say a hundred. Great, and then... Nice.

I'm Yeah, this is for me. Hold on.

Okay, so there's like a hopscotch thing here, right? There's like a hopscotch thing here. And I think that is important for us. Oh, well, let me here I'll throw the die.

Okay, now let me get up on the table. And I don't think my mother told me too late.

Oh, all right. Everyone gets 100. That's great. Yeah.

Wow.

All right.

I was just kind of walking by.

If you roll the number after six, it's bad. Yes, sir.

Sorry. I don't want to be, I'm not trying to be immature. I'm not trying to make a joke out of this. I just noticed that whoever made this table, I don't know if this is in-house made or if this is like you send away to a company, they mail this to you and you put it together. I noticed somebody wrote something gross on the table. Um, it seems like one of the lines is called, uh, I don't want to say it. Um, it says, it says, come, come on it. Come line.

Yeah. Um, I wrote that. Uh, yeah, I wrote that. Sorry. You wrote that? That's for later.

That's for later. Okay. Okay. There's also a box that says hard eight.

Um, yeah.

I don't know if we want to wait, man. What if a kid saw that?

Yeah. What if a kid saw that and then new cum was real? What if a kid saw that and then new cum was real?

I'm flipping out of this idea of a kid knowing that.

I think I think maybe give me back the money. The chips. You guys are sort of hurting my feelings. You dead man.

You too stranger. Let me roll the dice. Let me roll the dice.

Let me roll the dice. Let me use this little walking stick to walk off the table and I'll hand you the walking stick and then you can use that. There you go.

Is there a limit to how many days I can roll?

What do you think?

I'm

I think I quit. I think I want to go home. No, no, no, no, no. You do me so good.

Will you at least play with us then?

Okay, I cast a spell on you that you stay in the game. Okay, and let me roll. That's a 17.

Roll with disadvantage because I don't want to be here.

Okay, I'll roll with my eyes closed. I think that's pretty big disadvantage. And someone will have to tell me what it says.

Oh, heart eight, heart eight.

We all win. That's literally how I felt this weekend.

My favorite part of that was telling someone to bring their cards that they got dealt at this table to a different table.

There are cards, huh?

Show up to a blackjack and you pull a card out of your pocket? Put some cards down. Sorry, I want to use my king here. The Roulette ladies gave me these. There are no cards, right?

Craps is dice.

No cards are craps.

And you can't, you either roll the seven first and then you can never roll one again. Or everyone won again.

Is there enough time? Can I carve out enough time right now? Because I want to burden the three of you with something I've been burdened with. I can't go through this alone. This might be common knowledge and I've just avoided it for 40 years. I found out the other day that if you take a deck of cards and say you thoroughly shuffle it for a minute, when you're done shuffling, The order of the cards from top of the deck to the bottom of the deck has never existed before and will never exist again. That order is unique to you and they say, and I am not joking, they say that if you thoroughly shuffle a deck of cards, there's more variations, there's more possibilities than there are atoms on earth. Wait, what? Why? How do you explain magicians?

Okay, isn't like the equation people do for this? It's like when isn't it? Okay, I'm probably way off, but isn't it like don't people be like 52 times 51 times 50 that doesn't work for this I'm guessing, huh? Is that what it is? It's like 52 to the 51st power or something? Yeah, is that what it is or no?

Because it is but it's something somehow you know how they say like if I fold a dollar eight times it reaches the moon you know how people say that all the time?

Oh my gosh, okay.

Okay, Erin, back me up.

From McGill University, an accredited Canadian university, there are more ways to arrange a deck of cards than there are atoms on Earth.

Huh. Now you all have to live how I live, how I've lived for the past two weeks, which is in constant terror.

The Canadians just needed to mind their business and stop researching things.

It's so weird. Someone call Rachel McAdams.

Because I guess it's not just the 52, it's how like, so literally, right, okay, so if all the decks were in order, okay, I guess I'm getting it a little bit because it's like not just the cards. He's spiraling. I really am falling apart. See, this is what I hate Riddles. I hate this. I feel out of control.

His face looks like when you take a helmet off an astronaut while they're in space. His eyes are bulging. There's a bear coming out of his ears.

I googled, I googled, I went ahead and googled McGill University controversy. It says Tribune says it has divorced itself from McGill's violent racist origins.

Oh my god. So that's who we're looking for, for our card.

Wait a minute. I'll just can get divorced. I do want to see a scene. Mano, you are a college. Erin, you are a different college. The two of you are getting a divorce and JPC, you are their child caught in the middle.

Hey, what's up dude?

This is so fucking awkward. This is so awkward. You go, you go. I'm always talking first. I know we were trying to work on that. I'm always talking first.

No, it feels like you're Like, where's the passion? Like, I feel like when we're fighting, like, it's okay. But Stanford, like, when you get like kind of quiet and defeated, I feel like a little scared, a little freaked.

Look, this is always, this was always going to be our issue. You know, you're private. I'm public. And like, I think that was really hot. That was really wonderful and rewarding. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was our energy. And I think we knew that at some point that this was going to combust.

Honey, can you be quiet in the back of your mom and dad or trying to talk about their relationship?

I cannot wait until I'm 18 and I get accredited and I can just go off on my own.

Okay, great.

Or whatever you decide. Maybe you'll decide to be Montessori or maybe you'll decide... No, you will be an Ivy League school, Cornell.

That is your destiny.

Do not do this. Do not do this.

You go have fun on the West Coast, Stanford. That's fine. We'll stay in the East Coast, abandon your family. You don't care.

Or go to a nice public school where you get to connect with the salt of the earth and meet real people and go for a cheaper rate, you know? Because why? Why spend more? No.

You have like a billion dollar endowment. Why are you trying to make me go to some... be something when I'm not?

Because I am a public school and I want you to be like me! Don't yell at him.

He's sensitive.

You don't yell at him. You're putting garbage in his brain. You're trying to turn him into a Roy. You're trying to turn him into one of the Roy little kids over there. That's what you want.

No, I'm just saying when your mom is Harvard, there are certain standards that you have to live up to. Your dad is Stanford, a bunch of hippies and losers, and your mom is Harvard.

Cornell, I'm so glad you could come in and see me today. This all sounds pretty rough. Can I ask before we continue, how many credits do you have?

Oh boy. I'm mostly in electives right now, but I'm probably, I know I'm like three credits shy.

Yeah, I have some bad news. Some of your credits from your previous therapist don't transfer? No. Yeah, I'm sorry.

No, come on.

Yeah, I'm very sorry. Did you see a therapist abroad for a while?

Because that would also, a lot of times those don't carry... I have nine miming credits from my therapist abroad. Those don't transfer.

Ooh, Commedia dell'arte.

I don't know. I think he was a weird guy. I think he just liked my... But Dr. I.M. Pegliacci. That's what they study in French colleges. Okay, here's your next riddle. Little Nancy Edicote in a white petticoat. And a red nose. The longer she stands, the shorter she grows. Yes.

Sorry, I just thought I'd try that.

I think Yes is close. No, yes.

It's like something to do with like a sunset or something, right?

It is not a sunset. But so I think little Nancy Eticoat in a white petticoat and a red nose, the longer she stands, the shorter she grows. This is a candle.

I guess, I guess Wixer knows, is that, or like the flame?

I can't, y'all, okay. Can I just say, I can't believe there's this many riddles in the world. Like y'all been doing this for like five-ish, six-ish years.

Yes.

And we, in the last couple of years, we've really eked it down to, I'd say one riddle per episode.

Here's the other thing we've done Mano is we have repeated a bunch of riddles like that one. That one could be a repeat and what we've done is we've made peace with that and we've said go with God. And people still say hey you've repeated that one and we say bless you, thank you, we love you.

I didn't know if there were just millions of riddles and do you guys still like riddles is my question to you.

Oh God, no. Oh God.

Last year we did and this year I think we're all apathetic towards them.

There's really only a hundred riddle structures and then you can change some of the words and some of the nouns in it. There's only four answers. Yeah, kind.

The four answers are cloud, shadow, candle. Silence. Silence.

Roseanne Barr, that's number five.

Roseanne Barr's, yes.

Always the answer. I think we all have a complicated relationship with riddles in that I I think every once in a while we will hear one where we're like, wow, we've never heard that before. That's, wow, what a riddle. And it makes it kind of all worth it when you have one that just stands out.

I do think we should at some point pivot, and maybe this is the episode, we should pivot to where the podcast is every episode somebody brings in a big old fact that this has been keeping them up all night and then the other three doubt about that person or they've mentally worked through it.

Hey Factoid Factoid. Just a total rebrand. I don't hate it. I'm just fascinated by that. I'm not trying to give you guys like a therapy session, but also I want to know everything. Now that you know riddles, do you want to write riddles? Are you trying to create your own riddles?

See, I've written riddles for the show before and I found it very fun and very challenging to do. Now, when they come out, they're not good. No one's like great riddles, JVC, but they're fun too.

I think they're fun to write. I think you have to write. So you start with an answer. So say the answer is going to be, you know, dice. You have to start with something where you're like, I tumble the upon the sands of green, you know, and then you have to put it through a nonsense machine because when you first write a riddle, you're like, it's so glaringly obvious. You have to put it through a total nonsense machine. And then by the time you do that, it's impenetrable. And that's how you make, that's how everyone makes riddles.

I also think it's interesting because our listeners are a pretty even 50-50 split between please stop doing riddles and how dare you not. You only did three riddles that episode. That wasn't nearly enough. You can't call yourself a riddle podcast. So it's like trying to balance those two things.

So that last riddle though, for example, that was a lie. You know what I mean? You're telling me there's a girl wearing a petticoat. That's not a riddle.

That's a lie. A lot of riddles are lies.

Mano, let me ask you. So Mano, You're at a birthday party. Yeah. Somebody's bringing out the cake. There's a candle. The person next to you goes, well, well, well, if it isn't little Nancy Eticoat in her white petticoat. And you go, excuse me? I'm here for I'm here for Sarah's birthday.

And they go, nah, dude, I'm talking about the candle. I slap. I smack them in the mouth. And I hope I knock a tooth out. I hope it would do them good if they learned from saying some stupid shit like that to me.

You got my you got my riddle correct.

I think basically what we're saying is this show is a safe space for riddles because in most of life if you came up to somewhere like Little Nancy had a coat sitting in the petticoat, they could hit you in the mouth and that would be okay. There's still laws against them hitting you in the mouth. I'm talking about a candle, man. But here on the show, nobody gets hit. We just do the riddles.

We just do the riddles.

We're all nice. All right, we'll do one more. We'll do one more and then we'll take a little break. So here's your next riddle. Only one color but not one size. Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun but not in the rain, doing no harm and feeling no pain. What am I? Shadow? Yeah, you said that one of the four answers was shadow and this one is absolutely shadow.

Oh, sorry.

Can you say it again just for my delight, the riddle?

Only one color, but not one size. Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in the rain. I think that's the big tip-off right there. Doing no harm and feeling no pain, what am I? I think feeling no pain is often shadow as well.

I do want to see a very quick scene before we go to break. This is based off the line whatever it was always in the sun but never in the rain or whatever that line was. Sure. We can't though. JPC and Mano you are two friends you're out maybe having a stroll just walking around town and it starts to rain and JPC you do have to you can't really be out in the rain for whatever reason so you do have to try and get out of that situation.

Dude, that movie was so fun. Like, I actually like it. For me, it's one of the better marvels.

Yeah, hey, should we call it Uber? I know it's like, it's warm or whatever, but should we just call it Uber and just maybe call it Uber?

No, I'm so full. You know how I really oinked out on those nachos? I hate to be that bitch, but like, I don't mind walking a little bit, walking it off, you know?

Sure, it just, it might rain, and it's like, not that I- What do you do?

What's up?

You're looking at the sky in such a- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It doesn't matter. Let's walk. Let's walk. Let's rescue.

Yeah, let's walk. It's fine. I mean, it drizzles a little. Yeah. I mean, he's supposed to hear in LA. We need the rain, you know? It's gonna pass, right?

It'll pass. Yeah, it'll be fine. Hey, have you ever played, uh, yeah, are you familiar with, like, the game, like, the floor is lava? Like, stupid, but we used to play it when we were kids. Yeah, yeah, familiar. It's I have a version that I like to play sometimes, but with awnings and the sky is lava. And so it's like we try to walk home, but we're trying to stay under awnings the whole way home.

That's a fun idea. I don't know if this walk will provide enough awnings. I mean, do you want to try?

Yeah, I mean, I'd rather. What's going on? Are you a fucking vampire?

What is going on, dude? Also, I was talking about this awesome Marvel movie we just saw and you're not even engaging. What is up?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want to correct you. It's a Sony movie. Michael Morbius is a Marvel character, but it's a Sony movie. And I think maybe us watching Morbius confused you as to what a vampire is as well. Which is, you know, because obviously the movie fucked it up so bad. Honestly, dude. Can you keep a secret? So remember like last week when I said that I found that like hand doctor who was finally gonna fix like my knuckle problem that I was having?

Yeah.

He was actually way more expensive than I thought and so I had to go to a different doctor and he basically he gave me chocolate knuckles so I can't if they get wet my fingers kind of just fall off. So this is all chocolate?

Well, well, well, if it isn't little chocolate knuckles. Hey buddy, where are you going? No, no, where are you going, huh? Where are you going? No, no, no, no.

Come on, we're just trying to get into awnings, man. Leave us alone. I just want my friend here, chocolate knuckles, to walk me home. Why don't you walk me home, dipshit?

No, no, no, don't, don't bully him, please, please, please. Clear, clear, get the wood, clear.

No, no, no. I was a vampire.

Oh man. JPCI could not have predicted that choice. I literally was over here guessing. I'm like, is he going to be made of chalk? And then you call it chocolate knuckles.

I thought it was going to be that you were bitten by a raindrop. Okay. That's funny. And then from there, yeah. Chocolate knuckles. Chocolate Knuckles. Here's my brain with the Chocolate Knuckles.

You're talking about movie theater food and the only thing that I ever get at movie theaters is occasionally I'll get Bunch of Crunch and Bunch of Crunch kind of looks like a knuckle. It's like a goiter. It's like chocolate goiters. Okay, I actually maybe have to get my knuckles checked because they look exactly like Bonjour Crunch.

Well, you get those checked. You get those checked and the rest of us are going to oink down some Nestle chocolate goiters and we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. Sorry, hey Factoid ha- Factoid. There you go.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Hey Riddle.

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

All right, we're back and it's time to oink down a couple more riddles. Here we go. This is...

Put them in my trot, Daddy.

Gross. By some I get hit, but all have known fear, shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as this nail, but for me you can't run. What am I? Oprah. I want to say water.

Just based off cum like Gale, I think it's Oprah.

It's always interesting, Adal, because you can pinpoint the second you stop listening to her.

Always. That is the truest Hey Riddle Riddle phenomenon, is you can mow, like if someone, you go, he's thinking about puns, he's thinking about wordplay.

No, hold on.

Small's a dance, big as a whale.

It could be cloud, like you said, too, right? Could be cloud again. Could be gas or something? It's not cloud, it's not gas, and it's not water. Small's a dance, big as a whale. Small's a dance, big as a whale. Not really.

What's the most helpful line, you think?

And it's not animal man is it? It's not cum line.

I like, I'm as slow as a snail. Stops in con line. I'm as slow as a snail, but for me you can't run. I like that one. I think that one might be the most helpful.

Slow as a snail for me. Oh, death time? The thing whatever it is from it follows, the thing from it follows.

Yeah, the Babadook. Is it the Babadook? No, it's not any of those things. It's not time or death at the Babadook.

Well, I went to Baba NC State. Really? Close. Can you? I went to Baba Gonzaga. Baba Gonzaga.

Is it crazy to hear it again?

Baba Gonzaga? That's what they call it.

Baba Gonzaga. Yeah, it's a pureed eggplant. Hummus is chickpeas. Baba Gonzaga is eggplant.

Baba Gonzaga.

By the way, I fucking love baba ganoush. I think baba ganoush is my favorite food to say. To say. It is fun to say.

I like couscous.

Couscous is fun to say.

Ooh, that's very fun to say. What's cock-a-vom? It's that like French chicken dish.

Yeah. Oh, okay. It's chicken and wine. Yeah. Chicken and wine. You get a chicken drunk, and then... I actually love to see a scene.

Adal, you are taking your best friend Mano out, and Mano, you are a chicken, and you're getting a little over-served. You're a little drunk.

All right, so this is the place. Yeah. It's called Food La La. Which, we can go somewhere else. You want to go somewhere else? No, sounds good. Let's go. Oodla-la. Okay, let's... I got us the chef's table. Okay. All right.

You order.

You order for me. Okay. Obviously don't want you to eat that, obviously don't want you to eat that, obviously don't want you to eat that, obviously don't want you to eat that.

Hi, I'm Ben, I'll be your waiter. We're excited to have you at Food La La. Of course there's no substitutions tonight, and I did see from your reservation that you are doing the wine pairing as well. Yes.

Yes. Do you have this? Sorry, Ben, can you lean down a little bit?

Yes, sorry, I'm very tall.

Do you have any dishes without sugar?

What are you saying, honey? All of the wine is free. If your partner here... I would hope so.

Oh, this is my friend. This is my best friend.

Yeah, we're friends. We get that a lot though. We get that a lot. People are like, are you guys fucking so hard? And we're like, no, we're friends.

I'm sorry.

The word thing is that they always add so hard, which is such a specific addition to that, where it's like, if they confuse us for dating, sure, but they always say so hard.

I said partner because you're both wearing shirts that say tshirtparty.com, and so I just assumed you were in business together.

Yeah, we are.

Tshirtparty.com, we got

Hey Riddle

Toss me out into the street in the rain.

What is the business idea for tshirtparty.com? Is it just a tshirt? What is it? So we come to your house.

Have you ever thrown a party?

And you're like, what am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? And it's always like this space or dinosaur. Oh my gosh.

Oh no, what if I am the least dressed? Yes.

Worry no more. Worry no more.

Because tshirtparty.com has your back covered literally. And your front. And so tshirtparty.com, you decide what shirt everyone at the party wears and we size it and tailor it on the spot. That's right.

Honestly, this business sounds awesome.

Sharks hated it. So get this, after Mark Cuban throws him, Barbara Corcoran comes up to me and digs her high heel into my dick. She's grinding my pelvis.

Into his penis. Ben, can you lean down a second? Hey Riddle I don't know. I keep trying to get him drunk. The wine goes in his beak and out the neck. And it is... I don't know what to do.

He's clearly... Excuse me, I'm so sorry. My wife and I across the restaurant couldn't help but notice.

Are you too... Don't ask it. Don't ask it.

Fucking so much. No.

Wait, wait, wait. So much. Ma'am, thank you so much. We are fucking so much, but not so hard.

Oh, sorry. Are you fucking like so hard?

No. Damn it. I picture Gary Larson wouldn't dare. Gary Larson wouldn't dare have a frame of a man at a restaurant called Food La La with the head of a chicken getting drunk. He's a coward. Gary Larson's a coward.

I can't wait for the season of Shark Tank where they hate an idea so bad they just start beating up the people. Stepping on a dick?

Yeah sorry Erin. That scene really went in an 18 different direction.

No, it was heaven to me. I just wanted that to happen now.

Mark gets up and starts wailing out the guy. It's like it's worth the lawsuit. I know there's cameras everywhere. It doesn't matter.

Lori's holding them back while he hits them.

Alright, we'll try this riddle one more time. I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one, I'm as slow as a snail, but for me you can't run. What am I?

Fire. Air. Pain. Pain.

This one is hard. Pain. No.

God.

God. What is something... What if God moves so slow?

Feels like it. Feels like it.

Now, Erin, what does that mean?

I don't know.

I agree. I never know.

Are you kidding? I agree with you, Erin. It's like, yes, the delayed gratification of God is something we're supposed to all believe in.

Yeah. I'm waiting.

Waiting.

Go to church, the pastor's like, God, could you speed it up a little bit, please? Truly. You coming back or not?

We can't keep holding this table for you. Right? The meek shall inherit the earth, but when is that gonna happen? Tick tock, God. Tick tock. Okay, everyone's scared of it. Is that helpful? Some people are scared of it, but some people aren't.

Is this something living? Is it organic material?

No, it's not something living, but it's close to a reflection. It's something that's a part of you, but not really.

Oh, that thing you did like 17 years ago in high school and you're like, why did I do that or say that? Adal, don't stop. Every night before I go to bed, I lay in bed with my eyes open going like, why did I say that?

Uh-huh. Is it honesty or something? No, it's not honesty. It's not a name. Reflection was closest.

Is it shadow again?

It's shadow again.

Oh my God. Hey, fuck you. Okay. Hey everyone. Casey Play, Arnie's new theme song. Hey everyone, welcome to Hey Factoid Factoid podcast without JPC. It's myself, Erin and Riddle. Why? No, no, no.

It's way better. Way more fun. Way cooler. Way nicer here. Smells better. Looks better.

Have the podcast without Jasper. Jasper fucked ya. I was there.

Here's my Factoid today. Todoi. Todoi? Did you know that the joke, why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? The joke is, is that the chicken's gonna get hit and die and go to quote unquote the other side, heaven or whatever you believe in. And that's the joke. Adal, that's not the joke. That is the joke. The chicken crossed the road to get to quote unquote the other side. The other side being the afterlife. That's the joke. No, I did not.

Wait, that was blowing my whole mind. Wait, why didn't I know this?

Nobody knew this.

You know what I found out?

Okay, wait, go ahead. Oh, please, please.

You guys talk, I'm going to look this up. I'll see what McGill University has to say about it.

I bet. They comment on everything. Disgraced McGill. You probably know this, but I recently discovered that blood is thicker than water is a phrase that's always misused.

Yes, it's the blood of the covenant is stronger than water of the womb. Yes, so it's basically saying your friends are more important to you than your birth family or your biological family.

But they take it out of context, yes. I do think that blood is thicker than water. Intuitively, I'm not like, oh yeah, the water of the womb and the blood of the, I'm not, who's going there? Whose brain is going there?

We all know.

I guess we'll start with the risotto and some breadsticks. Also, can I have a water of the womb?

We have still, sparkling, and womb. Can you bend down?

Sorry, can you bend down here? Hi.

I'm sorry, I ordered extra blood on my dish and it's like... This is extra blood. Do you mind letting a little bit more? You look healthy. Do you mind letting?

I don't mind, but just so you know, if you order it well done, And then extra blood, it's gonna, this is how it comes. This is what well done extra blood looks like. I'm sorry, yes?

No, I'm the chef. You ordered the pigmata, right? This is pigmata. What do you expect pigmata to do? It sauces itself constantly.

You're talking to me? You're talking to me, Chef? I know you're not talking to me, Chef, behind. I will slap a tooth out of your mouth.

I do like a customer calling the chef, Chef. I think that that's so funny. It's like, yes, Chef. The two chefs and stuff, they would absolutely call Chef, but a customer would be like, excuse me, Chef?

Hey Riddle. In an 1847 edition of the Knickerbocker, a New York City monthly magazine, and it didn't seem like that was the intended meeting the first time it was told. But it's 150 years old, maybe more, 170 years old?

It didn't seem. Hold on. Your whole basis for me being wrong is it didn't seem?

No, but the people who, if you read the original, okay, okay.

Erin read a biography of the guy who wrote it.

Uh, why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get to the other side, was the original one. And the intention was to be, subvert the expectations of it's a non-joke joke. Because he just wants to be over there. This is blood is thicker than womb all over again.

Thicker than womb.

Things, attentions can change in jokes.

Yes.

It can both can be funny. Both can be true.

I want to get to you.

McGill is silent on it, by the way.

They had nothing to say about that joke. Cowards. Wow. Well, probably because they got canceled for being colonizers. Yeah. Motherfuckers. Monsters. Take it to the streets. I think some of these riddles that Jasper said we've done before, those maybe we've done before or not, but I'm going to skip to the last one because they're all new to Mano, right? Yeah. I mean, that's the beauty of having a guest, right? Here we go. This one I hate, so I'm glad I'm not doing it. I'm reading it so that later in a later episode when like Adal is reading Riddles or Erin's like, no, I think we just did this one. We can't really do this one again. Kevin and Susie Puzzy have six daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the Puzzy family altogether? Is this including the parents, Kevin and Susie? Wait a second. Dead stop. Dead stop. Adal, you include your parents and your family? Well, okay. I guess someone hasn't had something fucked up happen in their past. I guess your parents are still big parts of your family. Okay.

Well, they were both community colleges, so they stay together.

It was easier to just stay together. I do think that the parents are included in the family count. I do think so. Well, it's not the obvious then. So what's the asshole answer?

I think it's nine, right? If it's two parents, six daughters, each daughter has one brother. If there's just one brother, they all have the one brother. I mean, they fucking hate him and they bully him and they make him, you know, they put makeup on him and, you know... Wait, your number was nine based on... Adal's guess is nine. Yeah. So six daughters, one brother, and the one brother serves as the plus one for all his sisters.

Wait, what? I want to say a scene. Adal, you are the one brother. We're going to be playing the six sisters, but we all have different school dances tonight and you're supposed to be accompanying all of us to the various school dances.

I love it.

Tommy, why do you have all these disguises in your bag?

No reason, no reason. Melissa, this is, what was it, Sadie Hawkins? Let's, do you want to get the picture or what do you want to do? Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Yeah, why are you wearing a fake mustache? You're just, I know you're my brother. Wait, what is, you're wearing a different tie. What is this?

Excuse me, I'm the principal. Are you telling me that your brother asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance? That's the dance, right? Sadie Hawkins is the one where the guy asks. Is that right?

No, the girl asks. I ask.

The girl asks. That's why it's so wild. Hey Regina, I'm here. Hey, it's good.

We're at the football ball. Why are you not at there? There I was tackling everyone on the dance floor. And then I look like a bitch because my date is there.

You don't look like a bitch. I don't know why they just called it the football. Let's get a quick dance in. Or cheer. I don't know what they do here at the football ball.

You, Tommy.

Oh, hey Courtney. Let me rip off the band-aids and let me put a mop on my head like a big old wig. Hey Courtney, what's up? What's up?

Dance with me so we can make my crush jealous. Dance with me so we can make my crush jealous.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Um, where do you want my hands? I'm sorry. I have to ask this.

Ew, get out of here. Nowhere.

Yes, it worked.

Ah, ah, get your, get off of me. I can't believe I got kicked out of the term cellic ball. Where's Tommy? Oh my gosh no Daphne hey what why are you outside? Tommy I just got kicked out of the ball you're half an hour late and where's your mustache?

Oh puts it back on dresses up like Mr. Baseball underrated movie hey um how about well you don't how about I go take you for a malt?

Tommy! Tommy!

Ah shit it's my adopted Irish sister.

Where are you? We're at the Mrs. Dutfeer Bowl. Where you're supposed to dress like Mrs. Dutfeier in a half and run into the room.

Hey Siobhan, um, uh, where are you?

Hurry! It was a run by dancing! Where are you?

Oh, I can't. Oh, okay. Um, let me, uh, put on a green baseball outfit and a green mustache.

What about you through the higgies? Yeehaw! Yeehaw, Tommy. You gotta come do the square dance with me, your other sister. Come on, Tommy.

That's my adopted cowboy doll come to life from Toy Story 2. Hey, Ben's down to pick you up. I'll put you on my hands.

Oh da tummy, where is my tummy? Where my brother tummy? Oh da.

Oh no, it's my two sisters, the one that laughs. Basically she just kind of laughs the whole time like, yeah, sister lacious crumb.

Man we got seen. My sister lacious. Oh no.

Sister lacious.

Oh boy.

Sister Lacious Crumb does sound like a Kesha song.

It does.

Like a title, yeah.

Kesha got a new album out. I don't know if people have been listening. I don't know. Gag Order just came out. Remember? About a month ago.

Remember her last album? She had that song where she hit that note that like, she'd have broken all the glass in the world.

That was insane. I haven't heard that one. Hell yeah.

I feel like the name of the song.

Kesha can fucking sing.

Kesha's got a great voice. Yes, very good. And I think she's also... I think she's in Mensa. That's my Factoid.

She's an X-Men?

What is happening to you?

Wait, what do you think Mensa is?

Mensa, the organization of the bald guy of the wheelchair, he clicks kids.

The guy who comes in and says, I'm juggernaut bitch. Mensa. That's Mensa. No, you're right. That's Mensa. No, I'm right.

And Adal's right in more ways than one because the answer is nine. Yes, there are nine people in the family, Adal.

I forgot we were doing a riddle. And what can I just say?

What is a family, if not two community colleges, coming together to give birth to a son, three daughters, a Irish adopted daughter, a little doll come to life, and a big old job of the sister and this delicious crumb.

All right, Adal, I'm going to check. Okay, no, so the website still says you're still cancelled, but keep trying because you're on your way I feel like the more of these you do to end episodes the it's gonna you're gonna get anything now they're gonna uncancel ya.

Is this because of what I called previous families what I said previous families could be?

Yes, about family structures previously.

I said a family could be a McGill College Okay, hey

We'll do one more, Riddle. I think that we have done this one before, but I like this one. There was a greenhouse. Inside the greenhouse, there was a white house. Inside the white house, there was a red house. Inside the red house, there are a lot of babies. Spumoni. Final answer.

Spumoni. Spumoni. Spumoni. That girl is a Spumoni. I think I know the answer, so I will refrain from saying it.

Spamoni, another great answer to foods that sound really fun. Yeah, that's a funny one. Spamoni. Spamoni.

I'm not sure whether the pot here, but is it shadow?

I think frittata is a good one. What's the Spanish dish? The Spanish dish with the rice that gets caramelized from salsa. That might be my favorite because whenever you order it you can't help but be like sir can I have the

Paella.

It sounds like in the middle of a song someone might be like, 2023 paella. It just sounds like a hype man word or something.

Adal, there's a tapas placed by us that has great paella. So if you're a paella, here we gotta go. We gotta hit up this paella spot.

It's near us.

Adal, you are going to shit. It is 10 minutes away from you. It is 10 minutes away.

I don't want to go if I'm going to shit.

I will not eat food if it's going to make me shit.

Here's what I'll say. You said Spimoni, Mano. Here's what I'll say. Think more along the lines of, I guess, sherbert, or Italian ice, or bubblegum, bubblegum, or picnics. This is very famous at picnics. What else? Oh, Gallagher. Don't think about Gallagher.

Adal, you're getting re-cancelled. So, Erin, you know what it is. I take it.

Yeah, I think it might be.

Watermelon?

Overalls?

Yeah.

Interesting. And the seeds are the babies of the watermelon. Now, is that a fact that's blowing everyone's mind? Huh? The babies. There are more watermelon seeds in a single watermelon... Than atoms.

Than decks of cards.

Can't be right.

Than atoms in the history of our universe. There's more atoms in Marvel movies and Chris's.

Okay, you know what? Thank you, Mano. You did a great job with that one. I think we've done it before, but you absolutely nailed it. We've never had an answer so good on the show. And that's it. That's the last riddle. That's the last riddle you probably have to do for like a year.

Congratulations Mano. Must be nice.

Thank you. Yeah, it seems nice. I wish y'all luck. I wish y'all variety.

I wish you... Honestly, wishing somebody variety is the best for a riddle podcast. Wishing us variety is the best thing ever.

I wish you variety. That's really sweet. I hope you dance.

I wish you variety sounds like something that you would say to someone as they're like getting kicked off of drag race. Be like, I wish you variety.

Okay.

Here's my pitch. Maybe this is like a call to arms. Can you get people who speak different languages to send you translated riddles? Cause that would open up a world for you or yeah. Yeah.

Any German or Scandinavian listeners, I feel like Germany and the Scandinavian countries have more riddles per capita than any other country. I believe. Yeah. Yeah. That's a brilliant idea. Thank you, Mom.

We will take any of those. Go ahead and Google translate those riddles and send them right over to us, dear listeners, because unfortunately we have a lot of X-Men out there that listen to the show, so they're way smarter than us. A lot of languages. Yeah.

Let me come in here in my little wheelchair. Hello, I'm here to talk to Chocolate Knuckles. My name is Charles Xavier. I'm a professor. I'm Professor X. The X, it used to be Professor of McGill College, but I just say X now because they got it.

Yeah, I'd love to come with you, but it rained.

Yes, Chef. I want to complain about Chocolate Knuckles.

I wish there was an X-Men just named Chef.

And his power is that he writes his wife to be Scarlett Johansson.

That's his superpower. Mano, can you tell people where they can where they can listen to drag me?

Yeah, drag her. Drag her. Yeah, you can listen to drag her wherever you get fine podcasts. Anywhere on this head gum network. Yeah, go listen to drag her if you like drag or reality TV and especially the show RuPaul's Drag Race. It's a good old queer dumb time. Everyone enjoys whether you're gay, straight, or questioning. Come laugh and scream at one of the craziest shows that's ever existed, RuPaul's Drag Race, with us on Drag Her.

Can't wait. Adal, anything that you have to plug?

Yes, anything by Jinx Monsoon. That's my favorite drag race contestant of all time. Yeah, she's unbelievable. She just had a stand-up special released and then I'm gonna go see her at the Chicago theater? Somewhere in there. Very excited. Also check out the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern. If you're interested in some more weird improv and also the podcast Tell Me About It where we interview people about the things they love. JPC has been on Janet Varney, Jeff McCrainer, Matt Young, Lauren Shippen, all kinds of fun folks. So check that out. Tell Me About It podcast. Erin, do you have anything you would like to plug?

I just want to say, follow us on social media if you haven't, at heyriddleriddle on Twitter and Instagram. And if you want to email us riddles, hrrpodcastatgmail.com. Not hrpodcast, because JPC did that bit for a while, and it's not good. I just don't read those emails. Yeah, I think that's it.

I did want to plug in one more thing to the fans and listeners of the show. No, we have a Patreon. We do an episode on the off week. But Patreon just announced a new thing where now you can do a free trial. You can do like a seven day free trial. So if you've never done the Patreon or if you... I think you can only do it like once per, you know, whatever. But if you've... Been wanting to check it out. Go over to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. The Clue Crew thing. You just click the button that says start your free trial and then you can listen to all of our episodes. And if you, here's what I'll say. If any listener out there could listen to every Patreon episode that we have in that week, you have one week you can listen to every episode. Wow. I will.

Stop it. You're killing them. Let's do this. So many people are going to get hurt and go to the hospital. This is like the tide pod challenge.

I just noticed that cocaine sales skyrocketed. Good. This is coming out in advance so I can buy stock at cocaine. Okay, I'm being arrested. I also have a special not shout out that I want to get. This one goes out to Will. Will, what is wrong with you? First of all, don't date people on your improv team. Secondly, you cannot break up with someone on your improv team via the group chat. It's not even that it's cowardly, which it is. It's just fucking weird, Will. So here's your punishment. You cannot listen to the show until you apologize. The person who ratted on you told me that you listened to the show. That is my decision. Do better, Will. Do better.

Will. Fucking Will College. Erin, McGill College actually started a new campus. It's somewhere where they're not in as much hot water. It's kind of, I guess it's not on earth. Do you know where their new campus is?

Yes, it's in Jupiter. Bye forever. It's a fun factoid of the day.

Sorry, Erin Keif. and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing and already parented the music.

Hey there, trilogies and silly geese. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We keep the trilogy rolling with JPC's favorite things bracket. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get those ad-free episodes, for $8 a month. See you there!