Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the vertical fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife and ran.

And the horse seemed riding.

All right, everyone get on the floor. Get on the floor. You. Breakdance. All right. You on the floor. Get on the floor. I'm sorry.

I'm the bank manager. What do I do?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm bringing my PE class into the bank to do the Presidential Fitness Award.

Oh, wait. I'm so sorry.

Is this a robbery? Oh, no. Oh, God no. Okay.

Why do you have a bow and arrow? Get on the fucking floor! Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, um, today is Robin Hood Day. Um, so we're stealing- So you're dressed like St. Valentine? Uh... Wait, what did you say? Do you think you're dressed like Robin Hood? Yeah, wings, uh, little tunic, diaper, bow and arrow, Robin Hood.

So do you have an account at the bank?

I don't, I'd like to open one. Um, get on the fucking floor.

Now we can help you with that. Now is that a first or a last name?

Um, oh no, that's just, that's my, that's my sort of catchphrase. That's how everybody knows me at the school. Um, here's, and here's my fittest student. Well, that came out weird. Here's the student who's able to do the most exercise.

Watch me sprint. Yeah. Car wheel, back flip.

Do you see, she ran up the wall. Do they, do they happen to be here at the bank or did you bring them? They happen to be here actually. The second one is, okay good, the second one is weirder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, okay. Yeah, backflip.

Okay. Actually, you're really good at physical activity. Do you ever think about maybe working in a bank?

Hmm, no, not yet. Why?

You would be great at working in a bank.

Do you guys do backflips?

No, but what we do here is we break spirits and we kill dreams. And you obviously, you obviously have a break future. I'm hired. Okay. And I'm Adal Rifai-ed. Oh, wow. And I'm J.P.

This is my two weeks notice. J. Pink Slip C. J. Pink Slip racing for ownership papers.

Erin out your grievances while you clear out your desk, Keith.

Erin. Yeah, that's very good. If we were doing comedy sports, we would all be having, these are great comedy sports nicknames.

Oh yeah. Oh yes. I remember I did comedy, actually it's not comedy sports, I think it's comedy works. I did a show of comedy works in Raleigh, a wonderful theater, and I was introduced, they all had fun names, and I was introduced as Adal the Ghost who tear Rifai's. Okay. Oh, but your last name was... I think it was in October.

Your last name was not Rifai's. There's two of me. Have I been saying it, Rifai?

Uh oh. It's Rifai's. Who likes to tear Rifai? I think it was Terrify.

Terrified. Yeah.

Singular. Okay, okay. That makes more sense. JPC, when you did comedy sports, did you have JPC as your name?

I was ice cream Coen as the name that I went with.

That's fantastic. And are you a waffle Coen or a shaker Coen?

A little bit of a shaker Coen. It depends on who's asking, sweetie. Erin, what's yours? Keef. We got Keef. We have to pick him up. Great Barrier Keef. You would describe, I don't want to do this, per se, but you would say Erin, and then you would describe, and then you would call it a Keif. Erin, I'm sorry.

Oh, I see. I think this is a good real book. Erin, can you stop bullying my friend? Erin Queef.

No. No, it's not Erin. You wouldn't say Erin Queef. You would never have to actually say the word. I think you might get a brownback for comedy sports.

We have of course one of the seven words you can't say in an improv show.

I don't think you're supposed to.

No. That'll eliminate the audience right quick is what that'll do.

I got in trouble once for saying shacking up because that was profanity in a comedy sports contest.

I feel like that's not, is that profanity?

You know, it's blue. And I was not under the impression. I just thought that it meant living with someone, but apparently I guess it has a sexual connotation as well. And so just the implication of sex is enough to get you a brown bag.

I think ever since the B-52s, it's been a naughty, gross little phrase. Yeah. That's insane. Shacking up got you a brown bag.

You know? I kept it pretty clean in my decade of comedy sports. I think I maybe got one or two brown bags the entire time, but that's the one that I remember.

Comedy sports is very hard to do. I'm very impressed by anybody who does it well. Very, very hard to do. I did one.

I've been so bad at it.

We did a memorial show for my friend and coach, Mike Enriquez, who was a big comedy sports guy in Chicago here. And we did my Herald Team revolver versus like some of the house folk at comedy sports. And it was, I think, revolver must have cussed 20 times. I think we were, I think at some point they just gave up.

No, not revolver.

Yeah.

No. Can you believe it? Not you all. Not that game.

Can you believe Louis Saunders was saying nasty dirty little secrets?

I think it's one of those things where it's like, oh yeah, you quit drinking? Oh man, I could never do that. And it's like, well yeah, if you're having 20 drinks a day, it's going to be like way harder. It's going to be way harder for you. But most people could go a day without. That's fine. And we're not even asking for a day. It's like a 90 minute show.

I feel like we are not in sync today. I think this is sort of a sleepy Monday morning. We're not totally in sync. Yep, great. So what if we did some improv warm-ups to sort of just get these pop-webs off? Okay, I have no idea.

Oh, okay, interesting. Well, my favorite is probably mind meld. That's probably my favorite. So mine meld, you probably know it by a dozen different names. That's the one where we say, we pick two people. So Erin, say you and I start. We'd say one, two, three, and then on the fourth count we each say any word at all. So I might say bread and you say Tim Curry. Then JPC and I go and we try and find a common word between bread and Tim Curry and we try and say that at the same time. And you can't say any word that's come before. So we can say any word in the world but not bread or Tim Curry.

Does that make sense? You count us down Adal. It's me, Adal now, Erin.

So here we go. One, two, three. None. Okay, we had the same idea, but I just didn't go the extra inch there.

It's okay to not know what the word for bread is in Indian culture. It's non, but you'll get it. You'll get it.

Huh, okay. Thank you so much for the confidence. Not for me.

I already ate.

I feel so papa-dum. Here we go. You two go and you're trying to find a common word in the Venn diagram of Indian and non. What is the set? What is the word that's right there in that set? Here we go. One, two, three. Garlic. Garlic and rice. Okay.

Garlic and rice. Garlic and rice. So you and Adal.

Okay. All right.

Garlic and rice. Okay. I have one.

Three, two, one. Butter.

Rosoto vampire.

Okay.

Interesting, Erin.

We're getting closer. It's right.

Erin, Erin, I just want to make sure you didn't say risotto vampire. I think she said Rizzoli and Iles.

I think I said Rizzoli and Iles. Rizzotto and Iles. I think I said Rizzotto and Iles and I think you need to take me to the hospital. Okay, you two go.

Okay, Erin, I will say this is the most stressed out I think I've ever seen you.

I gotta ask you. I just realized what my body language was.

I gotta ask you a question. Interesting. You said, I feel maybe a little bit out of sync, I would like to do an improv warmup. You said he didn't know any improv warmups. We started doing what I would say is a very standard improv warmup. And you look like you were maybe like being possessed by some sort of, I want to say Korean water ghost.

Yeah, sure.

Every night before I go to bed, I have to remind myself, Adal never support Erin's ideas.

I know, and I know that, and you know that, and I all know that. You all know that. Okay, yeah. That was meant to loosen me up, and I was locked up like a pretzel, protecting my neck from that improv forma.

You know, Erin, were you ever a person who did like improv warmups? Because I will say, in comedy sports, we would always do like three to four different warmups before every match or practice. But when I moved to Chicago, sometimes it would be like one warmup and that would be it.

Can I say very quickly? Erin, you said I was locked up like a pretzel. I was protecting my neck. Protecting your neck from risotto vampire. Vampires of course rise from the dead. Pretzel rise from the dead. Pretzel. Jesus. Okay. Oh, fuck me. Nevermind. Sorry. Nevermind.

GPC to answer your question. Yes, I think so. But I think some of it was like things I needed to do before the show. Like you have to pee. I needed to listen to music on the way there. I needed to get some water. I needed to like make eye contact with everyone before the show. And then I do think improv warm-ups help. I do.

I'm sorry, but all the things that you were describing, those I would all put into a bucket of living life as an adult human. Do you think those are improv warmups? Do you think drinking a little bit of water is an improv warmup?

Yeah, but it has to be just a certain amount of water before an improv show, so much so that you don't have a dry throat, but you don't have to pee during the show. You just have to line everything up well to get a good show. Laughing with people or doing a warm-up with people before a show is essential. When people would get older and just come in right before they walk out on stage, those shows were sometimes bad because they're not syncing up with people.

One time Erin and I did a two-person improv show in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and beforehand she goes, do you want to do, I feel a little, I'm a little nervous, do you want to do some warm-ups? And I said, sure, let's do some warm-ups. She got online, she paid her power bill, and then she drove me to Neiman Marcus and we stopped for 45 minutes. And then she goes, I feel so much better and I feel connected to you. And I said very good.

Then went to the post office and I was like, this is what I need to do good improv.

All right, Erin. Well, here's what I can do to help you because I have gotten accustomed in my years of improv experience Honing in on someone's energy and being able to give them the exact improv warm-up that they need to bring out what they need to be engaged. So we're going to do a little improv warm-up called Little Moosey.

Oh, I love Little Moosey.

The way Little Moosey works is we're all going to have to do little moose horns with our hands. So it's just a rhyming game, right? So it always starts with, well, I'm Little Moosey. And then the rest is the rhyme.

Well, I'm Little Moosey and I- No, it was my turn.

Oh, okay. Sorry. I thought we were all stepping into the shoes or hooves of Little Moosey.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So no, it's not a refrain or a chorus. It's just, I'll rhyme, then Erin will rhyme, then I'll rhyme. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Well, I'm Little Moosey and I live in a tree cause my grandpa's a badger and my grandma's a bee.

Well, I'm a little loosey and I got a little high and now I'm paranoid and think I'm gonna die.

Well, I'm a little loosey and I love to eat corn. One time I found my Uncle Stashaporn.

Okay, so I think what happened, Erin, is maybe before the recording did you get a little too high and maybe you had to get a little too excited.

What is wrong with me today?

Because Adal did text me earlier that he found a stash of porn this morning, so I think we're all just...

We're all just ex-mailing our day. I don't know what's wrong with me. I came in here with a great attitude. I was so excited to see you guys. And I just am, it's like there's glue on my words. You know what I mean? Like I'm having to like glue my words away from my brain before I can get them out of my mouth. You know, being a person.

I like someone saying, I came in here with a great attitude. We didn't see that. Who says you had a great attitude?

I was so excited to come to your party. I couldn't wait to see y'all, couldn't wait to come to the party. Now that I'm here, I feel bad this time.

Let me clarify, you two are great. Never been better. Cool, funny, smart, taller than you've ever been, I think.

Me?

Not on the same page as you today. I can't get them down from my brain. Do you have like a hook? Good thing I'm old man puzzles today. What an energy. What a show.

By the end of this episode, we're going to pull you out of the dumps and bring you into the humps. Because it's Wednesday. Because it's, because it's Wednesday.

That's why.

Erin, don't forget, and this is something, Casey, we can cut this out later. Don't forget, Erin, when we very first started the podcast, we each got one coin or token. That token is good. For any get out of Hey Riddle Riddle free exchange. So if you put your token out there, we take the token. You don't get another one for the rest of your life, but we can skip one episode. Now, do you want to do like a Riddle Resort add-on and it's just us relaxing. We never do riddles. Do you want to use that now?

I famously used mine to get out of a live show with Rob Cordry and Adal used his to get out of a live show with Janet Barty. So we all... We've all used them except for Erin.

I think I'm going to save it.

Okay. Smart. Smart.

I think I'm going to save it. I think this episode's just going to be bad and I'm going to save it.

Okay. She repeated, I'm going to save it three times. I'm getting a little worried myself.

I think maybe everyone... Depreciating asset. It is less valuable the more you hold on to it.

I'd say I'm gonna pass the ball over to you two. I think a little too much attention has come on me. I brought it upon myself. This is again my own fault. This is a prison of my own making. How are you two while I bring up some riddles?

Doing great. Just got back from Dork County, Wisconsin. What a weird wild place.

Oh cool. Now correct me if I'm wrong, Adal, but I heard that you just got back from Dork County, Wisconsin.

Come on, man.

I asked you to not make one joke.

Am I wrong?

Correct me. What did I say before I said it?

Now that I think about it, it was a lot of people in short-sleeved button-up shirts tucked into jean shorts with tube socks. Motherfuck. I was in Dork County. You may have been at a Weezer show.

Can you play the Molly's Riddle theme here?

Workers were going home.

It's time for Molly's Riddle Books.

All right, we're going to start a new Molly Riddle book that she thrifted. So I opened up this book and it smelled like a hundred year old ghost. So we're going to get into these. This chapter of this riddle book is called, The Birds and the Beasts are Here.

Brown Bag.

Nope. I think you could probably get away with saying birds and the beast. I think that that's close enough to a pun that you could get away with it.

But shacking up, come on.

Hey, I don't make the rules. In fact, I didn't make the rules. I just followed them.

Your first riddle.

Yes.

What did the duck say when it laid a square egg?

Ouch. Fuck.

Jesus Christ. That's the answer. That's the answer.

And of course, eggs come out of dogs.

I think all our word factories aren't working today. Oh, yeah. Why do hummingbirds hum?

Oh, why do hummingbirds hum? Wait, what was the answer to the last one?

Ouch.

Oh.

You were right.

Hell yeah. Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.

Yeah, and I'd like to see it soon.

Wow. That's basically Erin.

JPC, you are a hummingbird, and Adal, you are also a hummingbird. Adal, you're trying to get JPC to understand the song that you're thinking of. You're thinking of a song and you don't know the title of it, and you want JPC's help.

It's sort of like... What is... It's sort of like... Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh my god, it's on the tip of my nose. It's on the tip of my nose. Oh, you know what would help us get there? You know what would help us get there? Let's just do a little bit more nectar. Just a little bit more nectar.

Let me look both ways, make sure my wife isn't around. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now you had a business idea, is that right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, so the business idea is a bird feeder, but with tables. So it's a bird feeder with tables, so you can sit down. You don't have to keep flapping the whole time.

Speaking of a bird feeder, what about if we do a little more nectar? Just hit the edge off, just to get into it.

I don't think I've had any today.

Have I had any today? Let me check my wallet.

And you said you can recite all 1000 names? I said that I've been to 1000 graves.

That's a lyric, that's a lyric. 1000 names, 1000 graves.

1000 names, 1000 graves.

Oh yeah, and it's just like that tune that you were singing.

Yes.

Yes. Okay.

Are we writing any of this down? Do you remember that time we did... Remember last time we did nectar? We should do more nectar. Hey fellas, quick reminder.

It's closing time. That's the song.

That was the song, closing time.

Closing time. One last call for nectar. Why do birds fly south? Why do birds fly south?

Is it because their partner flew south and they just want to reciprocate?

I did listen to a podcast about two endangered birds that were in Chicago and they kept nesting on Montrose Beach and they fly south. They fly a thousand miles every year and then one year one of them came back and the other one just didn't. No. Yeah, they had been nesting for like four years and then one of them just died.

Oh my god, I'm that bird.

They were commonwealth.

Erin knew that bird. I'm that bird that left and didn't come back. Four years.

Yeah, that bird was in the south of France being like, I'm doing me.

Yeah, that bird was e-pray loving for sure.

What was that bird's name? Jean-Luc. Remember that commercial?

Yeah, so I think that the reason that they fly south is

What?

Warmer weather? Climate? Is it climate related? Because it's too far to walk.

It's this kind of book. Sorry.

I should have told you.

I thought I was going to learn something about birds and instead I'm going to say... You know when you go to like a museum gift shop and there's like a little tube and you're like, what's this tube? And you turn it over and it goes...

Oh yeah. Do you know that that tube is based off a guy at a bar who witnessed an awkward moment? Oh we have to capture that sound.

What is the history of tubes that are named after guys?

It's like that scream that's in all the movies. It's that guy's voice. Yeah. What do they call a duck who garners nothing but A's on his report card?

Garner? Wow. This book took a vocabulary lesson because it's from the past. Oh, nevermind. Sorry. What did the duck do to garner all A's?

And remember, this book is one of those books.

It's one of those books. So why would a duck get all A's?

It's like a duck. So it's like something about, you know, what do they call a duck?

What do they call a duck?

Oh, is it a goose?

Is it, um, I want to say it's a quack, but like that's not someone who's headed to the quacks. A quackadimic?

No, that's funny.

That's outstanding.

I think I'm just going to tell you it's too hard. A wise quacker.

Wow. Now why? Is a wisecracker someone who gets all A's?

JPC. No, usually it's the opposite.

My dear man, but of course. Anyone who's at MIT, anyone who's joined Mensa, they call them a wisecracker because that signifies their due diligence when it comes to The world of academia, staying curious. They call them a wise quackadah.

I have to say, I don't like this riddle. I think quackadimic is a better answer.

That's a much better one, yes.

I completely agree. But the people who wrote this are long dead, so. Yes, Adal.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are Sorry, I'm getting emotional because this is pretty groundbreaking. Wow. Erin, you're the first duck to ever attend Harvard. And this is your last week of school and you are defending your dissertation. JPC, you are trying to poke holes in this duck's dissertation. And you clearly did not want a duck to come to Harvard.

Mr. Billsbury, Mr. Billsbury, when you are at Harvard University, you will speak in the language of academia, English. We will not suffer any duckery in these hallowed halls. If you want to defend your dissertation, you must do it in the language of your presses.

Let me ask you this, professor. How many languages do you speak? What bird languages do you speak because I speak English and duck? Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack qu

Angry Scrupple Door, that's my name.

Why are you looking around like you're not sure and you wish you hadn't done it?

That janitor who's doing math problems is laughing.

Get out of here. Sorry, my name's Little Moosey and I'm a janitor at Harvard. Something, something, see you later.

Set yourself up really well for that.

It sucks because he's so good at math. But that's how his... I speak the Queen and now the King, now the King's English. And I would never debase myself by speaking the language of the ducks. Quack, quack, quack. As far as I can tell, it's one word. Is it like an intonation thing? Don't, don't.

You insult me with your quacks. Do you know what you just said in duck?

I was speaking English. What do you mean?

Oh, the quacks. Oh, you said it again.

I, hold on. I can't just be saying a slur.

You are.

I am?

Yes, and I will sue you and you'll be fine.

What was your name again? Angriest Grumble Door, if you can believe that.

I've seen. Okay, this one I can't even believe it. Okay, the answer to this one, I'm like, what?

Since the last one was Wise Quacka, this is really saying something.

How can you keep a rooster from crowing on a Sunday morning?

Keep it out all night drinking and doing cocaine. That's a logical solution.

How can you keep a rooster from crowing on what? A Sunday morning?

Yeah, how can you keep a rooster from crowing on a Sunday morning?

Take it to church. Is it like cock his doodle doo or something like that? Ooh, rock his doodle doo?

Wasn't that a movie? And we keep a rooster from crowing on a Sunday morning. Oh, there is something about the sun. Tell him that the sun has not risen.

Uh, no, I wish it was that. The answer is legitimately by killing him on a Saturday night. And this is the photo.

Wow. So JPC was kind of right.

Yeah. If you get a rooster drunk and make him do a bunch of cocaine on a Saturday night, I've got to say pretty good chance the rooster dies. Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene Adal, you are a farmer and you are about to kill your rooster JPC because you want to sleep in tomorrow. Um, and JPC, you're sort of defending yourself and trying to talk him out of it.

Yeah.

Hey Velvet, can you come here for a second? I just want to talk to you before I head in for the night.

Okay, yeah. And I will see you bright and early tomorrow morning. Sunday.

Yeah, absolutely. Hey, just sit right down here right next to me in this little can.

I just checked my phone and it looks like it's going to be a 5.45 a.m.

sunrise tomorrow, so you'd be expecting me right around 5.45 a.m. Oh, and Velvet, can I just say, your voice is, you've maintained your moniker. You have a voice as smooth as Velvet, and I promise you, one day still, we'll get you everywhere. I will get you a record deal. I promise you. Okay, I'm holding you to it.

Sun Records in Memphis. Hey! Might be tomorrow, 5.45 a.m., huh? Get me to the early start of that day and get working on my deal.

Absolutely. Hey, you ever... Hey, come right down here. You ever had a marshmallow before? Eat one of these.

Oh, a marshmallow. Now, let me consult my little book. Okay, yeah, so this would kill me. This is going to expand in my stomach and it's... Can I see that book? What's that? Yeah, here you go.

Can I see that book?

The Roosters' Guide to Staying Alive.

Nationwide is on your side or something or something like that. Just a new take. A new take on an old classic.

Yeah, gotta get you singing. Hey Velvet. Let's see what this book says here. Have you ever flown into the sun?

Have I ever flown into the sun?

Yeah, you have such a connection to the sun.

Anytime the sun comes up you can't help but sing. Have you ever thought about flying into the sun?

If I'm being 100% honest with you, I am not a strong flyer. I think it's because I have such a big booming chest, which really helps me sing. But it really hurts me in the flying department because I can't wait.

Honey, have you killed the rooster? Oh, I mean, who wants some tea?

Come to snuff the rooster. We're just singing Debra's favorite song.

Yeah.

Okay. I don't know why I would have anything to worry about.

He's got this little book and this book tells him everything. It just tells him everything. I think we gotta switch tactics. Hey Velvet, did you know nobody likes you? Everyone out here at the farm hates you.

Well, jealousy is a pill that is often hard to swallow, so I do not doubt that I have made more enemies than friends. Plus, I wake everybody up super fucking early.

I'm gonna hit him with my car.

Okay.

Here I come.

Okay.

Hey Velvet, look over here.

Look, look, look, look, look, look. Okay, look at this.

What do you got in your head here? What do you got in your head?

Oh, sorry honey.

I'm under the car. Oh, boy. Yeah, you got hit by a car. I think he's dying. Wait! Farmer Fred! Farmer Fred! I will carry on in your stead. I will marry your wife. I will raise your children. I will get that record contract.

This was our plan all along.

That's right Fred, I see you're dead and now I'm in your stand. And take your wife to bed, and then you'll finally see what my cockadoodle do can be.

Did anyone else imagine that Rooster wearing a sparkly vest? Oh, and scene, sorry.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

I think we need to go on a little bit of a break and then we're going to come back for more of these riddles.

Birds and the Beasts.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Hello and welcome back to Hey Riddle Riddle. We are an improv comedy riddle. We're a podcast and we also love to, what do we all like?

Erin, what is going on with you?

I forgot where we were and who we were, but mostly we like riddles. That's what we do.

We do riddles. We love riddles, I think. Is this the year we still love riddles or no?

It's definitely one of the years. We're definitely still in one of the years. I mean, because it's fucking like, what is it, May? This should still be part of the year, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. We're not in a different year. Years don't change that quickly, right?

I don't know, man.

I don't know, man.

So we'll get back into Riddle DD, Molly's riddle book that she gave me at a live show.

Erin, you held up that riddle book and the color of the pages is like a disgusting yellow.

Is that a custard? Yeah, I'm telling you. It smells like the past.

Deep, deep custard.

Found these at a thrift store. I bet.

Can I tell you something very quickly? Never in my life in all my 40 years on this planet have I ever been to an estate sale. We were driving around Dork County I guess. And we saw a sign for an estate sale and my mom was with me and my sister was with me. And we're all like, oh, never been to a, my sister and I had never been to a estate sale. My mom's like, I've been to them. There's a lot of stuff. Let's, do you guys want to go? We said, yes, we go there. We go inside someone's house and you're looking around and basically everything in the house is for sale. Everything. So you're walking around room to room. There's so much stuff. There's so many people. And at some point my mom goes, it always makes me sad to go to an estate sale. Cause you know, you just, Hey Riddle. It's always so sad to go to an estate sale just to see everything that someone's left behind. And the woman taking the money and running it goes, oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely. You know, Elizabeth actually just moved across the street there. It was a woman who had a house, is selling most of her stuff and downsizing to like a condo across the street. So I thought that was

That's a perfect human moment.

This is so sad that this woman is dead.

That's got to be pretty atypical for an estate sale, right? Because most people when they move don't sell everything in their house, right? I couldn't tell you.

If I was downsizing, I would do that. Like if I were moving to a smaller place.

I guess I tend to like donate some stuff and downsize a little bit when I move, but I've never once thought like, I'll just open my doors, make a sign on it, this is a state sale, and have people come in and buy like one plate.

It just feels... It gets more people, gets more eyeballs than the yard sale.

More power to you, Elizabeth. And it gets more people who are also ready to be sad.

She's in a better place.

Right up there it's a better view, sort of better parking situation. Okay, I want to get back into these. I actually like this Riddle and I think you might too. What should a man know before trying to teach a dog?

What should a man know? Sit, speak.

These are like puns, right? So we can expect.

Yeah, there's some wordplay maybe. What should a man know before he tries to teach a dog? The dog's name? That's a really good one. The dog's boundaries?

No, these are just, this is like, what you're saying actually makes sense.

Okay.

I guess this makes sense too, but it's more of a joke.

Should a man have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ before they attempt to train his dog?

Uh-oh. No, it doesn't say that. Uh-oh.

Okay.

What should a man know before trying to teach a dog? More than the dog. He should know more than the dog. More than the dog. And I'd like to see a feed. Adal, you are... I thought you guys would like it moving on quickly. Adal, you are a dog. And JPC, Adal is your dog. And you're trying to train him, but Adal, you're way smarter than him and this is sort of insulting to you.

Okay, okay. Do it for treat. You don't treat?

For a treat. Huh? You said do it for treat. It's for a treat.

For a treat? I don't think so. It's just a regular treat. Treat?

Okay. You know treat? I know treat Williams. You ever seen the substitute treat Williams? Huh? Fantastic series. I'll give you the treat when you do it. Okay. Do what? You said, sorry, do it, do what?

Yeah, like for as an example to be as for one to which it were to pertain to having to sit. Sit!

To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether it is nobler. It doesn't suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous force, you know. It doesn't matter. I did summer stock.

Stocks? I think we have one bag of treat.

Oh, um... Do you want the treat? I prefer not, no. I have some cavatappi in the fridge.

Good, cause I'm hungry. I might have a bite.

Do you want some cavatappi? Hey, you want some cavatappi? Big. Big for cavatappi. P-cavat... You want some cacio pepe? Can I have some pescetti? Does him want cacio pepe?

I don't think so. I want pescetti. O's.

Pescetti, good boy.

Pescettios? Sit.

Can I dunk the treat? Sit.

Where? Speak. Roll it over.

You're right. Roll over Beethoven. Put on some Chuck Berry. Do we have Chuck Berry? Let me fly him to the albums here.

These treats have riboflavin.

Heated her in the five. What? Oh, riboflavins. There you go. I don't think they have Chuck or Berry. Oh, that's... Riboflavins is a great word. I'm very proud of you. Good boy. Here's a treat. It's the only word I know.

It's my name.

See?

Yes, that's right. I'm a person named Riboflavin.

It's a family name.

How can you know when it's raining cats and dogs?

From the poodles. From stepping in the poodles?

Yeah! Adal, feel something. You got one right.

Adal, from stepping in the poodles.

Here's your chance. You can feel something. You got something right.

But there's no cat part of that, right? It's just cats and dogs. No, but you want to think of... Adal, feel something.

I guess you could come up with one, because it's the poodles and the... Calico.

What's another cat tabby? Raining cats and dogs when you're stepping in the poodles and the tabby says, I won't pick you up, you're soaking wet. It's like a cabbie, but that's nothing.

Well now that your brain's on the right track here, I think we're going to do another Riddle. I don't get why this one exists and it's stupid, but I think it could lead to a fun game maybe.

That's what the doctor said when I was born.

What are two good names for a dog kennel? And they really just picked two random pun names for a dog kennel and I think that you could do better. So can I tell them to you and then you guys can think of better names?

Well, I mean, I would love to try to guess it because these are just pun names for a dog kennel.

Is bark one of them or woof?

Yeah, bark's in one.

Hey Riddle.

Get a little drunk and bring a puppy home. This is a dog shelter that's going to lead to a lot of neglected animals.

You have to get pre-approved before you even go to the bar. My dog's liver seems to be fucked.

It's like one of those fancy haircut places where you walk in and they're like, hey, can we get you a drink or a cocktail? And you're like, I think I'm actually just here for a haircut in a drone.

Not dying to have a mimosa at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday. I just need to get a quick haircut.

Just a haircut for me. I actually don't have that much of a problem. It's a little bit of a problem, but I'm not quite there yet. Is one like X barks the spot?

When I get a haircut in two years, I'll be there, but not you.

Is X barks the spot one? Because spot is a typical dog name.

Seattle, you're way smarter than this thing.

X barks the spot.

Yes, that's better than what it is.

Okay. But should they also have like a kennel name to it? It's like... Is it bark-a-lepsy?

Is it bark-a-lepsy? I wish. I'm just going to tell you, because these are impossible to get because they're so boring and bad and weird.

I want to say, Erin, mine is the dog house. That's great. Okay.

A Barking Lot and Choc Fullo Mutts is their answer.

Why? Like Choc Fullo Nuts, I get it.

I get it. Choc Fullo Nuts is not something that people still say though, right?

Fennel Kennel. Interesting. Kennel Gill, Kennel Jenner.

So there's gotta be some dog breeds that we can do as well. Oh, when I was a kid, we had a yellow lab and we, when we bought the lab, we bought it from like a breeder and the place where the labs were bred, it was called the laboratory. It was on a farm. Ooh, I like that.

I like that a lot. I like that. What else was it? A sheeba in you. Is it?

Do some nectar and see if you can think of some.

Good call, good call. Is it a sheeba in you? Uh, Bernese Mountain Dog. Bernese... We can be fun. We can be fun. We can at Bernese Mountain Dog.

We can at Bernese Mountain Dog shelter.

Pretty good, pretty good. Okay. Um, Giggles and Bits. That would be the new part. I just want to say Giggles and Bits. Our dog improv club would be Giggles and Bits. Um, Purina. Purina. I just met a girl named Purina. Uh, Jack Russell... Tale of two kitties? Yes. Oh, we're kiddies. We're moving cats now. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Uh, puppy. Slow fade out on this and just have this be the end of the episode I think. No. Let's do another riddle.

Dalmatianation.

And if you think of one, the floor is open. How do you make a slow horse fast?

Whip it? How do you make a slow horse fast? Cascari Oldman? I'm just thinking of dog puns. I'm gonna be honest.

Yeah, we know you got left behind there. We're so sorry. We couldn't get you out of there Adal.

I think can't you use like the stirrups? I think like if you squeeze the stirrups it might like make it spur the horse into movement.

EPC, did you want to learn today? Did you want to talk about real facts about things and learn because you've been very literal.

Erin, could you say hi-yah? Would that help?

So what if there's, it's definitely a place for dogs. Definitely. We'd know that for a fact, but it also has really good sandwiches, usually in like Florida, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and it's called Chihuahua.

Chihuahua. Yeah, Chihuahua works. Great. Yeah, that works.

Erin, what was the riddle? I don't know. How do you make a slow horse fast?

How do you make a slow horse fast? You kick up its horsepower. You add horsepower. You make it horsepower. Do you make the horse do nectar?

Is it cocaine?

How do you make a slow horse fast? Stop feeding him. Make him fast.

It's the other type of fast. Oh, like Ramadan. I want to see a scene. Erin, Adal, you are two horses that are going on a hunger strike until you get better conditions at the farm.

Heck no, we won't run. Heck no, we won't run.

Heck no. What we're doing is really important. I feel really proud that we are finally sticking up for ourselves. I just want to be treated the same as like a pig or like a cow, you know?

Yes, exactly. I feel like we, I don't know if they put horse blinders on you. Well, we just call them blinders. I don't know if they put blinders on you, but I feel like I get blinders. I feel like my saddle is like very itchy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I could go for?

What's that?

Like a... Oh, don't.

Oh.

No, okay. Like a burger.

Copernicus don't. Oh, now I want a burger. Copernicus, now I want a burger.

Well, dang, it looks like I made too much hay and apples for dinner. Might as well just throw out some of this extra hay and apples that I'm not gonna eat.

It's bait. Nobody makes apples. What do you mean you made too many apples? What is he talking about? This is bait.

No Copernicus, no. Don't kiss me. Copernicus, stop. You're going crazy. Okay, but what if I just had a little bite? Copernicus, no.

No, Copernicus. Hey, hey, we have no, we have to stay strong. Okay.

No, we look too strong. We have too many muscles. We're scary. We're imposing. I'm scared of myself.

I don't want to atrophy Copernicus. Hey, come on. If we give it now, it's been checks my watch. It's been a minute and a half since we went on strike. Okay. I want Shake Shack.

Oh, that sounds so good.

And then I want Buffalo Wild Wings.

I want sugar. I want sugar and salt. Dang, dang, dang. Wife made too much peanut butter pie again. I guess I gotta throw all these peanut butter pies out here into the horse field. Well, no one's gonna eat these peanut butter pies that the wife made. And I did check with her. This is something that people do make, so if any horses have the right ideas about accusing me of making a food that nobody makes,

He's eating them off the ground with a fork while he's... They're good.

They're still good. Wife just made too many. I wanted one. Wife made ten. This is nine peanut butter pies.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna eat one.

Don't. That... Peanut but... The only reason a horse eats peanut butter is to talk.

He just wants you to talk.

And we said negotiations. What? Huh? Sushi?

Sushi? Some sushi, please?

Did you? What? No. No Copernicus, hey. No sushi.

Oh, dang, dang, dang. My teenage son ordered too many iPhone 14s. Well, get all these iPhone 14s out here with the DoorDash app open and my address and credit card already put in. Don't need any of these dang DoorDash phones because my teenage son ordered too many iPhone 14s. Yeah, it was a deal with Sprint. It was like a family plan, buy one, get four. So this is four fully paid for, functional, battery charged, iPhone 14s, with screen protectors and cases, DoorDash loaded up, no password. Here you go.

Copernicus, in the last two minutes, he must have spent, Farmer John must have spent $6,500 on food and bones. I know.

Expensive.

Hang tight and he'll go broke.

Making his wife cook up a storm.

He'll cave, he'll cave.

We could get donuts and then we could get ice cream.

Oh, that sounds so good. I mean, I mostly want sugar and salt.

Alright, you goddamn horses. You goddamn horses. His hunger strike has gone on long enough. What's it gonna take to break the two of you? I need you to get back to the farm and do what you do best. Wait, what? Now, what do you do on a farm for me? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You just gotta stand around, eat my hay, eat my peanut butter pie.

Eat farmer slowly.

Who's the famous wife Mary's rooster? A lot of farm scenes today.

A lot of animal riddles and a lot of farm scenes.

Why did the fly fly?

I don't know why the fly fly. Why did the fly fly? Because it has wings. Why did the fly fly? Because it smelled shit.

Because walking would take too long and it's just a circle back on the original riddle that we read.

He's jaded. I pushed him too far. He's broken.

Oh, don't fix what's broken. That could also be a dog, you know, vet slash potty trading place. You're being underutilized at all.

Small businesses should be calling you.

But it's don't fix what's broken. So it's a man who doesn't want to fix dogs? Is that right?

Adal, stop backing out of the room. We're still recording. Adal, come back.

What a weird fit.

Why did the fly fly?

Why did the fly fly? Um, okay. This is in.

Collie Hunter, and it's not a dog shelter. It's like a dog catcher.

Okay, perfect, yes.

This is the end of Lord of Beeps all over again. Once something like this happens, we're stuck. We're just stuck. The fly flied because the spider spied her. The spider saw her. It's like to see a scene. JPC, you're a spider, and you have noticed Adal, who's a fly, who was trying to get away before you noticed him.

Hey, don't worry about me. I know it's surprising, and I know my demeanor, kind of my whole body, eight legs. It could be pretty overwhelming. You caught in my web, by the way. Yeah, I can't move. Yeah. Flew right into it. Yeah. Yikes. So... Don't do that, shitty. Well, now... Was that Beastie Boys? I bet you heard. Now, don't... Oh, you're a fan. I bet you've heard through the grapevine what happens when a fly gets stuck in a spider's web. You know, a lot of them end up being grilled and eaten or whatever, you know. Yeah. That's not necessarily the case with me. Okay. I'm just looking to learn a little about you guys. I think you're super interesting. I think you're fascinating. I love your disgusting little mandibles. I love your tons of little eyes. Okay. I've seen you land on poop and eat it, and then I walked over, tried some poop, hated it, so I'm kind of wondering what's going on there.

Well that's, I mean, that speaks to what our potential partnership could look like. You don't have to kind of thing, you know, I leave the good stuff for you. Also, just a fun little tidbit, if you are genuinely curious about my kind, when we eat something, we barf on it, and that's That's how we do it.

Yeah, I have seen you. I have seen you barfing on it. And you know, look, fair is fair. You live a disgusting little life. The webs that you're on right now have come out of my butt. So that is essentially, I mean, we all know, we all know where I'm making that stuff, okay?

Yeah, it's in your butt. Yeah.

It's not poop. What you're on right now is not poop. Just because that's the first question a lot of flies ask because then they try to eat it. I promise you, if you try to eat my web, you will just get stuck even more. What's your society like? Who's in charge of flies? That's what I want to know. Can I be honest with you? As a spider, we're kind of like, are you familiar with sovereign citizen law? We're not associated or affiliated with any nation. Okay, okay. You see, the United States, I mean this must have been 150 years ago, actually set up an Admiralty Court, and so you don't have to pay taxes at all because the United States is a corporation and you are an LLC. Where are you going? Stop struggling.

I'm going to tell you about this.

This is important stuff.

If you want to kill me, just kill me. I'd rather just be killed than learn. Brother, I don't want to kill you.

That's what I've been saying. I'm putting together like a... I don't want to call it a militia, but I'm putting together just a grouping of like-minded bugs and insects and arachnids and just, hey, just people trying our best man to live. Against this fascist, propagandist, like bullshit, take 10% of everything that you make.

Lays on back, pukes into the air, acid goes on my head, this all. Ah, another one.

Another one. Scene.

DJ Cowan.

Another one. One more or voicemails?

Voicemails.

I will hear out a voicemail.

Great. Husky Lodge. Did I get it? Did I get it in? Husky Lodge?

Yeah. Right? Right at the last second.

Phew.

Yeah. Right at the last second you got it.

Casey, play their theme.

You've got mail. You've got mail. I thought it was supposed to be a voicemail. Oh shit. Okay. Yep. Yeah. Start again. One, two, three, four. You've got a voicemail. You've got a voicemail. Yay!

Thank you. Thank you for that theme. That theme comes from Jamie Page Kayer, or Kire, C-A-Y-E-R, also a JPC. Another JPC woman out there in the universe.

How about that? It's interesting. They're coming for you.

Very fucking spooky. Thank you for that. And if you want to submit a voicemail theme, keep it under 30 seconds and go ahead and send a WAV file or an MP3 to hrrpodcast.gmail.com.

Hi Clue Crew. I'm Isaac. I'm a listener and patron. And I'm a self-employed music teacher. Each private lessons and all kinds of stuff. And I was wondering if we had any advice for being self-employed in a creative field. What a sweet, sweetie. What a sweet, sweet, sweetie. Some tips for being self-employed in the creative world. I would say

Number one, now that you have probably more free time than you've ever had, at least during certain hours, if there's anyone who is trying to be friends with you and you don't necessarily want to hang out with them, try and have them hang out at like 2pm. Because you know they're probably working on sludging through a nine to five. And then it seems like you reached out and you tried, but of course they can't do it because they're working at nine to five. So that's my little tip or trick.

I got a tip for you. This is going to save you time and, well not money, but this is going to save you time and when you're self-employed, time is money. I'm going to introduce you to the concept of going to places during non-peak hours. You're going to want to go to the grocery store Tuesdays at 10am. It's going to be you and a bunch of retirees. Now they are going to get those carts all over the aisles and they really do not respect proper cart placement, so it's going to be hard to get around them sometimes. They're also, they're always down to talk. And they just want to have little conversations. And if you like to have a little conversations with a bunch of retirees, the grocery store, 10am on a Tuesday, that is going to be your best friend, Isaac.

That's good advice.

I have nipples. Can you milk me Cocker Spaniel? Erin, did you have any advice?

Yes I did. So two things that I wish I had done sooner as someone who's self-employed and also sort of always trying to find different little jobs. I wish that I had gotten super organized with my finances earlier and made it so because I think the worst part of being self-employed is how complicated your taxes can be at the end of the year. So the most you set yourself up and you remember that future you and that person exists and they want you to be organized, try your best to do that. Also, the other biggest hardship with being self-employed is like boundaries between your life and your work. And I feel like Setting a time like a hard out at the end of the day and putting your phone on do not disturb is the only way you're ever gonna be able to be good at your job because no one is supposed to be constantly 24-7 feeling like they're on the clock or could or should be working. Like make sure there's some hours every week that you are like, I cannot work then. I am off. And hold yourself accountable to that because otherwise you're gonna feel burnt out pretty much immediately.

And especially if you're self-employed at home, find whatever home space that you have for working and make sure that you're never masturbating or eating there, okay? Because you want to have those spaces be sacrosanct. Unless you're going to do both at the same time, it's not worth it. You got to find different places at your house, new places even, you know? Climb up on a window sill.

Dark places.

Yeah. Have a meal sitting on a window sill, huh? You know, maybe jerk off in the basement. Pretend to be a little creep. These are all excellent pieces of advice. Hey, Erin, I have a question for you. Do you have some advice in the form of something that you would like for people to check out that you would like to promote?

Oh, God. Yeah. Well, I was recently on Your Neighbors are Dead. It's a great podcast and if you don't already listen to that I'd say check it out. Also, check out Too Scary Didn't Watch. Check out Man Dog Pod, Improv is Dead. These are all podcasts that I listen to and love. True Crime Obsessed. I feel like does a really good job being as ethical as they can be in the true crime space. I'd say check those out. I'm really enjoying all of those things and I think that they are worth getting into if you haven't already. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, coming up this June. I believe this is going to be June 17th. We have a very special event at the Dog Pound that I run. We are having our first ever Promeranian. Now, what is a Promeranian? It's a chance for all your... I haven't decided yet. If you're dressed up to have a little dance, you've never lived until you've seen little dogs in tuxes and dresses wiggle their little butts. So come check out the Promeranian. I said that was August 12th or something, so check that out.

I have somebody that might want to check out that Promeranian because we have a five-star review to read, and this five-star review comes from spaghetti underscore the underscore dog. It is as follows. Bark bark bark woof woof woof bark bark woof Adal, Erin, and P.C. Bark bark woof. Huh, so this one's, and he doesn't know my name? Or she just calls me P.C. for short? I don't know man, she's a confusing dog and she bucks very loud.

That's not good. She don't know your name.

That sucks to hear. Hey, he's just a guy who works here. Fills my fucking treat toy every once in a while.

Erin, as we all know, speaking of the birds and the beasts, if two, you know, if birds and bees have sex, then they create whatever animal. But if two birds or two bees have sex, they actually create a very weird foreign alien species that immediately have to go to a certain planet. Erin, do you know what planet that is?

I haven't looked it up, but I think it might be Jupiter.

The birds and the bays forever.

I'm Aaron Keif and I'm John Patrick Coan.

Hey there Adels and Dezimes. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We do a bracket for Erin's favorite things. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month, or the Review crew, and you get those ad-free episodes, for $8 a month. See you there!