Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgum podcast.

Erin, what did you do with Caffeine Wise?

I did a Celsius orange today. Not much of a Celsius gal. It makes me feel like my teeth have electricity in it. Sorry, what's that? I normally skip this, but these were on sale at the grocery store and I thought, let's give these a try.

You know, Erin, what's fucked up is I'm the exact same way. If there's something at the grocery store that I don't even like, but it is on sale, but you have to buy a lot of it, I'll be like, yeah, I guess I'll just buy a lot of this because it's on sale.

It'll be like a chocolate dipped shrimp and I'm like, it's $2? I gotta do it.

That actually sounds good. Oh, then we're gonna finish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife today.

It's the Semiquincentennial episode! 250 episodes! JPC, Erin, come on in. Mind the balloons and confetti.

Whoa.

Oh. Have some cake. Did you not have time to blow these up or... Oh, yeah. ...dispose this confetti in a way that... It's in your carpet.

Yeah, sorry. The cats got into those. Feel free to blow some up. They might have holes in them. Have some cake. It's actually a pie. I hate cake. It's all covered in cat hair. Yeah, perfect. So chow down. Erin, here's some chocolate-covered shrimp for you. Thank you. But it grabs some... I want to say that's Canada Dry. So cheers to... But you're not sure what it is? I'm not sure what it is. I left it out overnight, so it's definitely flat. Cheers to our, what was it called again? Semiquincentennial.

A quarter ways to a thousand. Halfway to 500.

25 cents of the way to a dollar.

Have to take both your words for that.

I just looked up what 250 years ago was from this date.

It was probably, can I guess? It was the inauguration of Queen Elizabeth.

And I'll say 1776, just like the musical, baby.

You're really close. It's 1773.

Wow, three years off. So will I be right in three years or even Roger at three years?

Ooh, 250 years ago, the Tea Act, by reducing tax on imported British tea, this act gave British merchants an unfair advantage. Uh-oh. That started a whole thing.

Yeah. I wish I could go back in time and tell those guys, Tea Act's maybe not the best idea.

And we should say, it's just sort of a total eclipse of circumstance. It happens-tance. It's so funny that this worked out this way. It just so happens that on our, what's it called again? Semiquincentennial anniversary, 250 episodes. It just so happens that Maria Minudos is pregnant and she just revealed her child's sex.

Haven't they been trying for the better part of a decade?

I think so. If the trailers before movies have been any gauge, then she's been trying nonstop.

We were saying to Adal that we think his algorithm is messed up. You're liking all the wrong things in your TikTok or your Twitter or whatever, and you're getting fed things that, well, maybe you do care. Maybe you do care for her.

Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention during her, what is it, Maria Minudas' newbie segment before the movies, where she just gives little, like, kind of little hints at her personal life and like, yeah, we're trying to have a baby, like, it's a difficult process, you know.

So, uh, it's been a real roller coaster and she's divulged too much information, too much personal information.

Okay, now let's check out Ant-Man and Quantimania or whatever.

Um, and it's Paul Rudd in a chair with a gun to his head. Can I just say, no shade against Menudos. Uh, aren't new movies just called movies? Why is that segment called Newbies? No, because it's... No, no wait, no. Is new in her name? Marino Nuevos?

Here's the thing, we'll never be able to figure this out.

Marino Nuevos? When I close my eyes and try and picture her face, I just see like a chalk outline. Like there's no... I could not tell you any features of her, I just know her name, which is one of the rare instances of like knowing a name and not knowing a visual component.

You can tell us where's your friends.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You know, I can't relate to this because I go to the movies all the time, but I time it as such that I don't watch any of the trailers or any of the stuff before the trailers. I get there 25 minutes after the start time of the movie and I sit down right in time for Nicole Kidman to start whisking us away to a magical movie dimension and then the movie starts but I don't know anything about what you're talking about because I time my life perfectly.

I also, what theater does she not work for AMC because I don't feel like I ever see her thing anymore. Is she contracted, is newbies, is that contracted with a different theater chain? It must be like Kara Soty's or something. Wow, yeah. Okay, because I haven't been doing Kara Soty's in like 15 years. Maybe Regal? Could be Regal. So I usually do what Erin does, where I arrive about 20 minutes late to a movie, so I don't have to watch the previews.

You make a scene, make a ton of noise, make sure everyone knows you're there.

Don't popcorn in the air. Excuse me, I think now you're in my seat! Are you gonna aim at me? Big-ass Coke bottle rims of the glasses, lenses, with googly eyes on the outside of them. So they're just like... I can't see shit while I wear them. But I went and saw the Super Mario Brothers movie. And I saw it at a friend's spot tickets and it was at a Riegel, which I don't usually go to. And of course I'm still going to be late because that's my thing. But Riegel I think maybe has like less previews or something because I was only like 15 minutes late and I came in and they were, the movie had already started. I was like, oh no, like, oh, did I like miss something important? Turns out nothing in that movie is important. You could miss whole swaths of it and you'd be fine. So that was, if you want to miss the opening of a movie, I highly recommend that you do that. You do it for the Super Mario movie.

Trick of the trade. And I've done that before. It's with kids. New Halloween? I've done made that mistake before with kids movies. Trailers are shorter because they don't think kids can sit for that long. So you get there, you show up like 15

That's exactly what it is.

And I know that because I too missed the first six minutes of the Supermar. I think I got the idea.

Yeah, you get the gist of it.

For listeners who didn't put it together, I'll say it, JPC and Erin went to the movie together, but they're making it sound weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I flew back to Chicago. He made me promise I would.

I was FaceTiming my nephew the morning that I went to see that movie, and my nephew also happened to be on the way to seeing that movie at the same time. And he was like, what theater are you going to? And I could hear his parents being like, he's in Chicago. We're not going to the same theater. It's too far away. And he was like, I was like, well, I'm going to a theater that's here in Chicago. And he goes, what theater are we going to? They're like, we're going to the one in Indianapolis. He's like, I'm going to the one in Indianapolis. Probably won't see you there.

JBC, you missed a chance to be a fucking hero. I mean, yes, Indianapolis is probably three and a half hours away, plus you lose an hour, but if you could have driven fast enough, you would have been an absolute hero to your nephew.

I think if I could have fly, and if I could fly, then I would already be a hero to more than my nephew, right? I'm a hero at large at that point.

If I may say. We need to, speaking of movies, this has become a movie podcast, like every other podcast. Speaking of movies... Wow, okay.

Subtle dig at every other podcast. I think next week... I actually figured out why you're being fed Maria Manudos things all the time. It's because you only listen to movie podcasts.

I'm being sent Maria Manudas. We need to text JPCU and Casey, Tony, Audio Daddy himself, next week. I'll be texting you two on Monday, May 1st. Expect that. Because tickets go on sale for the Fast X 40X release.

Adal, it just sounded like you leaned on a keyboard and a bunch of buttons got pressed. What are you talking about? Those aren't words.

Fast and the Furious 10, the one we've all been waiting for.

Oh, I see, I see, I see, I see. I'm doing a rewatch of those movies.

It seems insane to me that it wasn't called Fast 10 Your Seatbelts, but Fast X is coming out in 40X, and JPC, KC, and myself were a couple of fast heads.

And I'm not even a fast head as much as I'm a fast and 40x head because I don't think that I would get as much enjoyment out of that movie if I was just watching it in a quote-unquote movie theater, which is bullshit. Now, most movies, I can watch Super Mario Brothers in a movie theater because I'm happy sleeping in a movie. But Fast X? No, no, no. 40X.

Okay, guys, we're gonna play a game. I'm so sorry. This is 100% necessary. Adal, you clearly need to be... Oh, go ahead. You want to finish your thought first?

I just wanted to... Can I get a joke in real quick? I was just gonna say Aied is over so I can break my fast.

We have to play a game. Adal, you clearly need to be on the team obviously for the people who are naming these movies. If the 10th movie was Fast 10 Your Seatbelts, I'm going to put three minutes on the clock here. The two of you need to come up with the titles of the Fast and Furious movies, 11 through 20, just so we can get ahead of it and they can start actually using these.

Oh, I got the next one. Fast 11 Diesel Resurrection.

Wait, hold on. What is that? Say that again?

Fast 11 diesel resurrection. I hope him repeating that didn't count against our time. I have the next one. Yeah. Fast 12 days of Christmas. It's 12 days until Christmas and they have to kind of drive. They're being chased by nine lords of leaping, ten swamps, all swimming, whatever that is. So fast 12 days till Christmas.

Uh, and then of course we have fast 13 going on 30. Uh, by that point the cast is going to be expanded to around 30 people. It's going to be very hard to keep up with, but it'll still be good.

Of course after that, uh, no brainer, we have fast 14 going on 31. It's just kind of more of the same, but the cars are getting a little older. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Then we have Super Bowl, Fast XV.

Otherwise known as Fast Teen. Fasting your seatbelts. It's kind of a parody of not another teen movie, which is like doing a parody of a Weird Al song. Fast... Sweet 16. Yeah, fast sweet 16. So this is where, at this point, the cars are sentient. I think we all agree on that. And it's one of the cars, the 16th birthday, and they get a new car for their birthday. So this one has, hold on to your seatbelts, this one has cars driving cars. Yeah. So cars get inside bigger cars and they drive the cars, but there's people in the smaller cars that are driving the bigger cars. Does that make sense? It's like a Russian nesting doll. Okay.

Then of course we have Fast 17 again, which is whatever happens in that movie, if that is a movie. It just happens with cars.

Yes, then we have Fast 18 again, which is a remake of the George Burns movie, where the car, it's an older car and it gets younger, so it's like a little baby car.

Fast 19, the Cuervo Gold, which is a Steely Dan reference, so sorry.

and then we have fast 2.0 yes they put the dot in the wrong spot but it's 20 but it's 2.0 so yeah how are we doing how are we on time okay I have no idea but I'm gonna read them back to you don't

This is not how you train a dog.

Type O, X, V, AKA, fast teen your seatbelts. Fast sweet 16. That was pretty good. For instance, cars are sentient, cars driving cars. Fast 17 again, whatever happens in that movie. Fast 18 again. Fast 19 Cuervo Gold. Fast 2.0. Now do you get by all of these?

And you say kind of like, the Cuervo Gold. And then the sub header on that is, the fine Colombian.

And Erin, can I say, I should have added this onto Fast 2.0. So Fast 2.0, of course, is Fast and the Furious 20. The subtitle for that is Fast and the Curious. So the cars are in college, they're 20 years old, they're junior college, and they're starting to experiment. So they're kissing, maybe same-sex cars, they're just putting themselves out there in ways that they haven't before. So that's Fast 2.0, Fast and the Curious. And then after that it's Fast 21, and then the subtitle of that is, this is getting exhausting. And that's a fun play on exhaust.

What about Fast 21 Jump Street, Curious?

Okay, Erin, you're hired. You won a good job and you nailed the interview.

That's the best one. And I stand by that.

Erin, would it be fun if you were like a professional baseball hitting coach? Sure. Could your company be called Swing and a Miss? M-I-S-A? And I'm the Miss.

Yeah, you could be the Miss.

And I make all my employees call me the Miss. And by the employees, I mean baseball players. Uh-huh. Okay, this is a Riddle podcast.

Oh, yes, and I am Old Man Puzzies, and we're about 18 minutes into this semiquincentennial episode, so we should get to some riddles just to celebrate.

It's kind of fucked up to think about baseball players as employees, because they have to, like, they have to go to practice. Imagine being like, yeah, I gotta practice for my job. And they're like, what? On a Sunday, you have to go to practice for your job? But yeah.

Yeah, it's insane that they're sitting in a dugout chewing tobacco and eating sunflower seeds and then like a little kid yells at them and they're like, hey buddy, I'm at work. What do you do for work? Run?

I'm wearing a hard hat. I'm obviously at work. Only one of you is wearing a hard hat at a time. Shut up.

And we're making fun of baseball being work when we're three professional podcasters. Professional, of course.

What I do is physically strenuous.

Written blood. Okay, here's our first riddle. What word, when read from left to right, is a ruler, but when read from right to left is a servant? Ruler. This is a bad riddle.

King, and, get it. Made, and, diem.

Carpe diem. Queen, and... See if they're made.

...diku. Can you read it again?

What word read from left to right is a ruler, but when read from right to left is a servant? And ruler and servant, I don't know if these are the best choices of words, but I guess... Well, can we choose better ones?

Then just give me a better one!

What word when read from left to right is... worshiped when read from right to left is... house-trained? Deity. It did.

A dog? God and dog?

God and dog. And I do want to see a scene.

Wait, wait. God is a ruler?

Yeah, no way.

Having listened to that song, who sings that? Joan Osborn? Is that Joan Osborn?

Does Joan Osborn sing a song called God is a Ruler?

God had a bus, and he was walking in against a fish.

That's what if God was one of us?

Does he say he's a ruler? I don't know, probably. That's Joan Osborn, right? Can I tell you the wildest concert I ever, and then I want to see a scene. The wildest concert I ever went to was The Grateful Dead. This is post Jerry Garcia. And Bob Dylan was their lead singer for the night, but then halfway through they swapped out Bob Dylan for Joan Osborn. Wow. And it was the biggest shit show I've ever seen. Bob Dylan You could not understand a single word he said. I know that's the joke most people make, but I think on this, I've seen him later and I could hear, I could understand his words. He was clearly on medication or something was going on, but a terrible concert.

Do you think that Bob Dylan got a phone call that was like, do you want to be, for one night only, the singer for Grateful Dead? And do you think Bob Dylan said, absolutely, I'll take that gig. Yeah. Pretty sure that the Grateful Dead don't have lyrics to their songs. I think it's just guitars and stuff. Got there, and they were like, okay, so like, you know Box of Rain, right? And he's like, what do you mean I know Box of Rain? Like, you guys should know Box of Rain.

He looked behind him.

Here's what I'll say, JPC. Is Box of Rain a real song? Because it could go either way.

Yeah, it sounds like it would be. That's one of the big ones. Let's try this one. You know Truckin', right? Please tell me you know Truckin'. And he's like, yeah, I mean, yeah, I know that it is a grateful dead song. I don't know what you want from me, Bob Dylan. Truckin'?

Based on the answer being God and Dog, I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a Pomeranian. Whatever dog floats your boat. You have unfortunately passed away. You have just made your way into heaven and you are meeting Dog God, played by J.P.C.

What a life.

Oh, hey, I'll be with you in just a moment. I'm finishing up a doodle.

Take your time.

I can tell you're thinking, oh, he's like drawing something on a paper. No, I'm making a plan for a new creature. It's a new type of doodle. Oh, can I help? Um, let's look at you. Pomeranian? Uh-huh. Nope. No, I don't need any of your qualities. No, no, no. Done. Okay. Angel? Excuse me, Angel? Yes. Would you please get this off to... Whoever takes care of these things will make sure a lot of these are written around.

Okay, rolls up, puts in a pneumatic tube, presses button. What's the name of your new animal?

Oh, uh, that is a crabberdoodle.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, half crab, half labradoodle.

Well, I had the best life with the best family. Super chill, super fun.

You are bagels, correct?

Mm-hmm. They're very same.

Okay. Wow, yeah, it looks like you did have a really nice life. I'm kind of going over some of your statistics here. You're a very good dog. Housebroken almost immediately. Really, no accidents.

Well, couple accidents, but that's to be expected.

You hid them well. They never found them. Oh, that's awesome. That's great. Hey, that is great. Okay, well, Bagels, I have really good news. You may have heard from your time on Earth that all dogs go to heaven.

Yes, I heard that all over and over and over again.

Not technically true. That was our policy for, I want to say like 15,000 years, and then we just got two full of dogs. So we had to start being a little more exclusive. This is not bad news for you, because like I said, you look very good on paper. It comes with a little bit of an ethical dilemma. What?

I can let you in, but... But my owners are going to hell.

Yeah, I have to kick one of the dogs who was worse, statistically, than you. You know, from a long time ago. And they've been in here for a long time. Is which phone is it? This dog died 3,000 years ago. Oh, sorry, he gets a Pletus case.

My name is Creme Brulee, and I led several thousand humans out of a castle while it was burning. I saved so many lives, but I once walked on a priceless tapestry. I'm just gonna scootch into heaven.

Thank you. So nice meeting you, Creme Brulee.

Yeah, and I kick them. I kick them when they go. See? That's just something that God likes to do.

I kick them when they go. Fantastic.

Alright, if you had to create an animal,

Yes.

Crab a doodle. Think before you, because if this podcast ever gets struck by lightning, these animals will exist. What would you create?

So hold on, what's the question? If we had to create a new animal, what would we create? It doesn't have to be a mashup of two existing animals.

What do you think?

Now a snig is long and thin like a snake, but it's of course a pig. So it has a little snout, it has the cute little ears. I guess its whole body is like the curly little tail part.

Oh yeah.

And it almost like springs around. So it's almost like it's a big box spring.

I, of course, and this is no surprise. This is just something that I've been kind of tinkering with on my own for a long time. I'm going to go with the chimpanzee-brah, which is, of course, the zebra body and head, chimpanzee arms, legs, tail, and butt. Oh.

And JBC, we never got invited to your island. You said you were conducting experiments then?

Fucking tax man. Fucking tax man came and took it. You never pay taxes one time. They will take your little science island. Erin, what's your animal?

I think I'm going to do a flying fox. It's like a flying fish, so it's a sea creature, but it's a fox, and it can jump out of the water.

I like that. That's nice.

And my new animal is a gorgon. Oh, go ahead, Adal.

Oh, no, I got to hear about gorgon. Can I go?

Go ahead.

No, no, go. Mine, Erin, you will want to hear this. Mine's called a sharon. And it's Erin Keif, but with shark eyes. That's where the SH comes into play.

So me when I'm hungover. It's like... Brother, that exists.

Sorry, unlike a shark, you always stop moving. If you move, you'll die.

If I move, I'll die. Yeah, exactly.

And we need a picture of Erin with a shark fin that says, if I move, I'll die.

Oh, so my animal is called Takis, and it's the Chip Takis, except it is an animal now. So that's no longer a snack that doesn't come from something. It's not vegan anymore. I don't know if Takis were ever vegan, but definitely now it's like eating pork rinds. You're eating creatures.

Hot Takis. Erin, what's yours?

Mine is a glorbin and it's a glowing orb that can't talk or make noise, but it can roll its eyes. So it just sort of glows. All right. If you have a glorbin as a pet, it will just sort of float around your party and roll its eyes at people.

Quick question. So it's a glowing orb, but the orb has eyes or it's like two glowing orbs that look like eyes like together.

It's a glowing orb that has eyes.

Guys, if you want to see, this will just be like a 30 to 45 second. This is like an early 90s toy ad that you might see on TV. And Erin, you're going to be this sort of narrator. JBC and I will be in it. And this is an ad for Glorbins. We're trying to push it on kids in the 90s.

Hey kids, put down your sugary cereal for a second. And let me tell you about something called a Glorbin.

My mouth's all cut up. I was so hungry. What is a glorb in?

Well, it's something that you're gonna beg your parents to buy for you. Tooth and nail, you're gonna beg them. It's a floating orb that will have your back in all social situations. I wanna go home!

Wait, it has my teeth and nails or it's gonna take them? What's happening?

No, the Glorbin doesn't take anything from you. It floats behind you and it cuts your bullies down to size.

I can't see it! Is it behind me right now?

Is there one in the house?

Okay, cut. I know I said I wanted to use my kids for this commercial, but I actually need some more professional kids in here. They are going off script.

I didn't receive a script. Am I getting scale? The Glorman went in my mouth. She only wanted to use us because we're non-union.

Shut up. No?

See. Like any good ad, it ends with telling a kid to shut up. Let's do one more riddle before we go to break here.

So far our scenes today have ended with God kicking a dog into hell and someone telling a kid to shut up. So this is just a very fun accessible podcast for everyone to enjoy.

Something anyone can enjoy. I have feet but no waist. I have back but no stomach. What am I? I have feet but no waist. I have back but no stomach. What am I?

Okay, so something that has feet, that could be like a measure of distance, right? They could just be tall, right? It could be something tall that has a back to it. So I will say a basketball hoop.

Okay, interesting. That is incorrect. Fuck you, man.

A ruler. No, the ruler is not.

I have feet but no waist, I have back but no stomach. And I'll say in this instance, I know sometimes they're very tricky, in this instance it is Not, I wouldn't say literal feet, but it is feet, not the measurement, but the stabilizing devices. So it's a piece of furniture. I have feet and no waist. I have back. Erin nailed it. Wow.

I was so close with basketball hoop. Although in my defense, when I was a kid growing up poor in Indiana, what we would do is we would just cut the bottom of a chair, hang it up on top of the house, and we would use that as a basketball hoop.

Just like James Nameth intended.

Amen. And I know who that is.

Famous Canadian who invented basketball. And I know who that is. James Naismith? Maybe it's Naismith. Erin, go ahead.

Adal, you are a chair, JPC, you are a table, and you are talking to each other.

Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot. Sorry, I'm so close. How's it going today?

Oh, you know, another day, another... Well, I was going to say dollar, but, you know, obviously not, right?

Yeah, we've just heard the word said, but I don't know what that is. I see... I saw last night and I didn't want to wake you up, but I see that someone put a drink on you with no coaster, and I think you have another stain.

Yeah, yeah, well, you know, the first one is devastating. But by the time you get to my old age, you know, house with kids and stuff like that, it's pretty much par for the course. Maybe I hope that one day someone like refinishes me. Yeah. God, I would love to be refinished, you know what I'm saying?

Hey Mark, what do you think par for the course is? I know you and I say it all the time, just like we say dollar, but what do we think that is?

You know, I don't know. There are so many things in this life that scare and confuse me.

So many things, yes.

And I just kind of take them in and I kind of spit them out again. Because if I spent one second really pondering the fact that I'm sentient, I can feel things.

Yeah.

And I am a table.

Yes.

I think my world would just kind of implode. So I don't. Same. I'm easy breezy. They put the cups on me. Who knows why I am, but I am.

Hey Mark.

Yeah.

What do we think Easy Breeze is?

Do you ever try to talk to the people? I know they can't hear us. I know they can't hear us, but do you ever try to talk to them?

Well, here's what sucks about me. One of the things is that anytime a human is nearby, their ass is on my face. So my voice is muffled. I can creak, but that's about it. Have you ever tried to talk to them?

Occasionally? Yeah. Occasionally I'll try to talk. I'll just try to say, you know, something how I'm feeling, share a thought. Yeah. I know that I'm speaking the language they're speaking because I can hear them and understand them.

Sure.

The thing about it is being a table. I don't necessarily know where the mouth is. Yeah. Like I can't explain how we're talking. Okay. Yeah. Here comes Claire. Here comes Claire. Okay. Well, where's she gonna sit though? Do you think she's gonna... Oh, she sat on you. Yeah.

I gotta get a new table. This looks like shit. Honey, we gotta get a new table this weekend.

No, don't call Dennis. Don't call Dennis. Don't call him.

Yeah, you can break this one down and sort of just throw it in the trash.

Eh, buddy. Okay, maybe I'll take it out back and me and the boys will have some backyard wrestling. I'll throw Tom through this thing.

I want a divorce. Oh, yeah, no.

He'll throw me through the table, baby. Well, speaking of divorce, this is our last episode. We'll be right back.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Whoa, no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

You know, I was just thinking that there's something about the fact that We are recording this one for the last episode that we recorded has come out. So we have no way of knowing if people are still going to be listening to the podcast anymore. We may have just done the first half of the show to know it.

Wow. That's exciting. I don't know how this rumor got started, but this is not our last episode. Sorry, I should clarify. It's not our last episode.

You started it like 30 seconds ago.

It's, we'll never know. It's hard to tell. But while we were on break, I saw a lot of tweets, I got a lot of emails, a lot of people texting me, friends and family concerned. This is not our last episode. I don't know how that got started. Please do not spread that rumor. We're continuing to go. We hope to make that fall.

We announced it and I heard an instantaneous parade go by my house. And I was like, that's a little offensive.

Huh, Erin, that's interesting that it sounds something like this. Do you think he had one prepared?

No, I don't think so. He's got an opportunity and he took it.

I think the last few times we've done Animal Parade on the show, we've done the theme song and then Adal's been like, all right, what next? And I'm like, the whole segment, we thought that was what the segment was when it first came out, but the whole segment is the animal article. It should be just the song. It should be just the song. Way to get a bottle, way to get a bottle baby.

I've painted myself into a corner. Let's do some more riddles here. Oh actually, here's what we'll do. This is something special. We have an email here. I rarely look through the emails or pull puzzles from the emails or riddles from the emails because I have so many gosh darn riddle books. So this is an email from Thomas J. Brown. Thank you Thomas J. Brown for sending us an email. It says, hey gang. A while back I came up with a series of puzzles that make use of homophones. I've included some of the better ones in this email. The answer to each clue will be three syllables. I don't know if that's right, but we'll see. All of which sound the same. It will make more sense once you start doing them. One more hint, the puzzle clues and answers are in the same order. Here's an example. So the example that Thomas gave was Harass, New York Bison.

Harass, New York Bison?

Yes, this is the example round. I've never heard... So it's all homophones, but I've never heard this used for a term for harass. But I have to take Thomas's word. So the answer to that, any guesses?

No, I think I need an example one of these to understand.

Sure. So Harass, New York Bison would be Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo.

Oh, yes, of course. Okay. I see. I thought it was talking about New York City.

I see. Wait, wait, wait. What's the New York connection to... Buffalo, New York. The city town. So the answer is three homophones. We're not looking for homophones of each word. Correct. These are clues that are all gonna land us to a word that is a homophone. Yes. Yup. And he says... So wait, is Buffalo a homophone? What am I not... What am I not getting here?

So homophone... As far as I know, homophone is like, it sounds the same, but it's spelled differently. And then homonym, I believe, someone's gonna come at me, is said the same and spelled the same. Is that right?

Homophone is each of two or more words having the same pronunciation, but different meanings.

So not different meaning. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So, so I'm thinking of homonymic or spelling.

Yeah.

Okay. Homonym is like there, there, there. That's homonym.

Yeah.

Well, that's what you say to someone who just lost a pet.

Yeah, if they lost a hominin.

But Buffalo... That's an extra there in there. There, there.

If their dog just got kicked to hell, by God. Yeah, okay, okay. He says that each clue will be three syllables. I guess... I don't know if that's gonna be right. So disregard that. Here, let's start off and see if we can get into these. Sure, we got this. A bedtime expression said to a medieval soldier.

Night, night, night. Night, night, night.

Night, night, night. Nailed it. Night, night, night. Night, night, night.

Night, night, night. I'd like to see a scene. Uh-oh. Uh, JPC, you are tucking a night in, um, uh, K-N-I-G-H-T.

Night, night, night's just the same word. It's not a homophone. Um. Night, night, one word? What's going on? Never mind.

You're tucking a K-N-I-G-H-T in for bed and you're reading a mystery and you're soothing him before he falls.

Ah, good sir Winchester. It's time for your bedding. Well, Matt, I do not yet want to go to Slumber. No, no, no. It is the eve of Slumber, and it slumbers upon thine very eyes.

Take off your mail, your leather... Jurgen, I think it is.

Jurgen, yes. Yes, of course. Let me take off my... What is this doublet wig called? It's a merkin. Let me take off my merkin. Your letter merkin, your chain mail merkin. You're the most powerful wizard in all the land. Can I ask you something? Good sir, Nighty Night. How did you come by the name Nighty Night?

Well, when... Lord have mercy one day maybe this will apply to you, but when you are too old for your nightly duties... Let me pull up my leather blanket close to my neck. Yes, and let me put another one on it.

Now it's a leather doublet. When you are too old for your nightly duties, the king has other uses for you.

So some knights become elder statesmen, if they are wise and full of wit.

And some knights, if I've heard correctly, some knights go to the

Um, the great village upstate. I heard there's a beautiful village where the knights run free. They graze and they fight and kill dragons in their old age. Is that right?

Yeah, sure. Let's just say yes, that that's true. Oh. And then some knights have what we like to call a gambling addiction, and they maybe aren't supposed to talk to the dignitaries, and they're not really good at court, and so

I did notice on Nighty Night that any time I put on a single layer, you tend to double it. You want a bet? At any time I put down money, you say, hey, you want to double it? Why don't we split? Why don't we split?

Hey. No, I don't... Why don't we do a simple bet? You fall asleep before midnight, and if that's true, you owe me four horses, and then I don't... Four horses? Yeah, come on. Or you just lend me the four horses now, and I could double those horses in two years.

Well, how about instead of four horses, it's four sets of corsets. Then that's fun.

Yeah, that's fun. I'm still a dead man. I'm still a fucking dead man if I have four dresses or whatever. You know what? Why don't you just go to sleep, okay? I'll pick a story. I'll read you the story. You'll go to sleep, deep slumber.

Sir Nighty Night, can I ask a question?

Is it true? Hey, is it true, so 99, that your gambling once got so bad that you had a hedge night called your bets?

Yes, I had a hedge night called your bets.

Uh-huh. Yes, that is absolutely true.

Unfortunately, I definitely shored it on my hedge bet, and by that I mean he lost his head. He was executed for sure. And a lot of my investments were tied up in his kind of whole thing, and the king kind of just split off his lands and titles.

But that was another life, a completely other life for me.

Okay, so why don't we do this. You go to bed right now. When you wake up in the morning, if anyone asks, I died. I became a ghost. I went off to that farm that you were talking about, huh? Where all the good nights go, yeah? And you never talk about me again. And all I need is like 1,200 gold coins, man. Come on, you can spare it. You can spare it. Look at all this. You have two doublets.

Okay, fine. Here, let me go into my chest here. Push aside my ribs. Here we go.

Oh, it's so gross. Oh, no wonder I couldn't find your buddy.

Oh, it's inside.

Pushed aside by ribs.

That's my favorite play. The play that you guys just did, that is my favorite play of all time.

Shakespeare.

I got whisked away in that scene. Incredible.

That's funny because, Erin, if I'm not mistaken, your fucking cell phone went off in the middle of it.

I took a call.

Uh-huh. And then during intermission we sold no merch, so... I chewed real loud.

I opened a bunch of loud wrestling bags and I booed and I cheered and I sang along.

And just so you know, Adal was played by an understudy, so no refunds. Here's the next one. A specific breed of dog's food. A specific breed of dog's food. This is a tough one.

I would also say...

I would also say this word is also associated, I think, in the Midwest mostly with puppy. And it's also a southern... Is it... Is it almost like a southern kimchi? What was it? Iams? It's not Iams.

Puppy chow?

Wait. You got the second part right. A specific breed of dog's food.

Chow, chow, chow. Chow, chow, chow.

Okay, a striped insect... Okay, that makes sense. A striped insect's air gun ammunition. That's a tongue twister. A striped insect's air gun ammunition. BBB.

That's correct.

Yes.

Yes. I'm mad I didn't get it.

Oh, yeah, BBB.

Older brothers could. They would try to shoot bees out of their BB guns at their siblings, if they could.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's fucking cool. That's what guns should shoot. A cold South American meat and bean dish. A cold South American meat and bean dish. And this dish doesn't have to have meat, but, um, disregarding Texas, it definitely has to have beans.

A South American bean dish.

Oh, is it just chili chili?

Yeah, like chili. Chili, chili, chili. Oh, come from chili.

So it's cold, it's South American, and it's a meat and bean dish. So that makes a chili, chili, chili.

It's saying it as chili. Do people pronounce Chile chili?

For this they do.

I'm trying to think, now that I'm hearing it, I'm like, is that how some people say it?

I don't think so.

It seems deeply wrong to me. Chile. Chile. Chile. Chile. Chile. You know, the country, Chile. I don't think so.

Chile. Chile.

How do you think most Americans pronounce the most famous of the cities in Scotland?

Edinburgh?

Do you think most Americans say Edinburgh?

Yeah.

Okay. I don't. What do you think they say?

Edinburgh. I don't know that I've ever talked to a bunch of Americans about Edinburgh. Outside of like the French fest or whatever.

Sean and I were talking about Pepsi and then we really truly heard the word Pepsi for the first time and we were like, what's a Pepsi?

Yeah.

Pepsi?

Is that the weirdest word? I have friends that are moving to Arkansas, and when I remember the first time I saw Arkansas, I wrote now and I was like, oh, because we have Kansas and Kansas is pronounced Kansas and Arkansas should just be our Kansas. That's what it looks like. Yes. Yeah. And yet it's Arkansas.

It's like, what? That's like saying if if New Mexico was pronounced like, né, lemisico. Yeah. Where it's like, no, I'm pretty sure it's New Mexico. It's Mexico and New Mexico, yeah. So that's an ingredient that's in some sodas. It's a digestive enzyme. I assume that's the ingredient that takes the shine off of pennies when you dump them in a vat with Pepsi. So that's kind of fun.

Pepsi. Like, do you want a Pepsi? I'm truly just blacked into that word for the first time ever. Pepsi.

Yeah, it sounds a little too much like hepsy for me. And I'm like, oh no, I definitely don't want that. I know that I should not want that. I don't know exactly what it does, but I know I don't want it. I love your doctor being like, go ahead.

And Sean and I were doing a bit, because you know how waiters have to go, um, is Pepsi okay? We were doing a bit of a waiter didn't know how to say that right. And they're asking as if like Pepsi was like a woman that was like sick in the bathroom. Is Pepsi okay? So if you're a waiter or a waitress, please start saying it like that. Is Pepsi okay?

And if you're Maria, if you're Maria Minudos and surprise the price, she's having a girl, please name your daughter Pepsi.

Yes.

Pepsi's a beautiful name for a daughter. Beautiful name. We have a few more. Thomas says these are the trickier ones, so we have three tricky ones.

Here we go. Thomas, the trick engine.

The man will mend the back of your foot. The man will mend the back of your foot.

Okay, what does the back of your foot call? That's gotta be... Heel. And look.

Heel. Heel your heel.

Heel, heel, heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel.

Heel.

Heel.

Heel. Heel.

Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel.

Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. Heel. He

The trick to these is if you get one of them, you got them all.

So female deer would be... Doe. But possessive.

Dose, doze, doe.

Yes. Yep. It's doze, doze. D-O-U-G-H-S. Dose. D-O-Z-E in terms of a sleeper nap.

Dose, doze, doze. Chili, chili, chili.

Very nice.

Dose, doze, doze.

Dose, doze, doze. Last one. An out of season corn puzzle. And out of season, it's Maize M-A-Y apostrophe S, Maize M-A-I-Z-E, and Maize M-A-Z-E. I've always wondered why they didn't call corn mazes, maize mazes. Hopefully you enjoyed these, and if you did, I can send more. Thomas, please send more. I love the show and support you on Patreon. Thank you so much, Thomas. And this is Thomas from Spokane, Spokane. Wow.

Sounds like we got another one of these Thomas Riddles on our heads. Spokane, Spokane, Spokane.

Actually, Thomas goes on to, and I didn't even see this. If you say Spokane, it's pronounced S-P-O dash can. Spokane, and not Spokane. Okay, which is a common mistake people make. Spokane.

Okay, interesting. I do want to see a scene. Adal, you're going to be playing the most famous person from Spokane, Washington. You are going to be Sir Michael Spokane.

I assumed it would be like the lead singer Mona's Mouse or something.

I assume. No, you're Sir Michael Spokane, and Erin, you are going to be doing an interview for like a magazine cover about Sir Michael Spokane.

Hi, thank you so much for meeting with me.

It's my pleasure. And can I just say you're beautiful. If I can still say that these days.

Okay.

Tip of the hat, wink of the eye, glint of the teeth.

I'm grabbing my coat, putting my coat on. My colleague is going to come in and take over for me. Oh, you have a dog.

A dog's going to talk to me.

No, so nice getting away from you. Okay, here he comes.

I can't actually go in there because I have a restraining order against Michael Spokane.

Okay, we'll do it through the window.

That's not how it's a distance. It's not about the material.

Oh, can I just say I once did it through the window. It was back in the seven days and the white album would just come out. He's from a different time.

I know.

But I was listening to Abbey Road and so we did it through a bathroom window and it was just really beautiful.

Why do you have a restraining order against him?

It was a huge misunderstanding. I lent him $500, but he thought it was just like a $500 gift.

He's creeping up on us.

Sorry I overheard you sorry to loom. Sorry to be looming.

Can I just clarify, you lent me $500, and then I gave up for Lent. Any loans? So that's why I didn't repay you is to get closer to God, isn't it?

Please do this interview with him. You owe me.

Honestly, the magazine only sent me because if you leave the interview... Hold on, I'm opening up this envelope. They sent me with a gun. I'm supposed to stop you if you try to leave the interview.

No, no, no. You owe me. Carl, you owe me.

I was in the force of Washington the other day.

Who picks up your kids from school every day? I don't know.

If I knew, I wouldn't be getting blackmailed.

Seeing.

Sir Michael Spokane.

We love Sir Michael Spokane. We love Sir Michael Spokane. He's from a different era.

But it is Spokane, as we all know. Thank you so much, Thomas. Oh Thomas, we should also say, is from the almost plausible podcast.

Oh cool.

Thomas.

We should say that or we have to. Is he making us say that?

Oh yeah, Thomas is in my room right now.

Uh oh, uh oh. You can say implausible podcast.

Well let's do, let's do one more Riddle and then we'll come to a close of this, uh, I would say semi-kin-sen-yera 250 episodes, nothing to sneeze at.

I remember my 7th birthday.

Let's do one more riddle here. Let me find the good one. Okay, okay, okay.

So Adal, I mean, I was gonna say, so JPC what's up with you while Adal looked for the riddle. But Adal, what's up with you?

Just looking for riddles, Erin.

So Adal, while you look for the riddles, can you Google what the Chinese zodiac year is for this year? Where are you looking for Riddle?

It's also something that I want to know as well. For 2023?

You know what? No, let's do 2026. Okay.

Because I have planning to do. Okay. That would be the fire horse. You have the fire horse? That's what it says. You got to be making that up, huh? I am not. I do want to see a scene. Instead of a riddle, we're going to see one more scene. JPC, you are a... You're Paul Revere. I'm panicking. You're Paul Revere. And, Erin, Paul Revere is running out to his barn to go tell it on the mountain that the British are coming famously at night. Erin, you are Paul Revere's horse, but you are on fire.

Yes, quick, off to Providence, you and I'll go to Boston to deliver my missive in the night.

Sorry, no can do boss. I think I might have gotten an STD. I am on fire right now.

What is going on? Hugs me, you are positively alight.

Yeah. I've been having a lot of fun lately, boss. It's my own fault. I haven't been safe. I know about safe sex. I just have practicing it.

Huxley, Huxley.

Sorry.

Why buy the horse condoms if you're not going to use the horse condoms?

You think they're cheap?

You think they're cheap? First of all, I do do that. When I go to the bar, when I go down to Sam Adams Brewery, I do let a horse condom fall out of my wallet and I say, we'll just drop this.

Rivia, here's the thing. I hope this isn't important because I am not riding tonight. I'm going to take a long bath. I'm going to reflect.

Sorry, I hope I'm not too late. I am but a courier at the Pony Express.

I have a message here for one Huxley. Is there a Huxley here?

Huxley is my horse. Who is it in my horse that this is?

This is from another horse named Clairvoyance. The message reads, Dear Huxley, stop. I'm alerting all my former partners. Stop.

There it is.

I've just been diagnosed with Pepsi. Stop. Take care of yourself.

Stop.

Huxley, you have Pepsi?

Yeah.

I rode you bareback like two days ago, man.

I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What the hell? This is the biggest thing happening in Boston tonight.

My shit's gonna look like Ben Franklin up in this shit. Famously syphilitic.

Famously, famously. Uh, just fucking fantastic. Way to knock Firehorse out of the ballpark, which is a favorite.

And that was a panic scene from you. Yeah, a panic scene.

So imagine if I had my druthers. Um, let's go ahead. Casey, can we go ahead and hear a voicemail? But before we do, I think we have a brand new theme. I'm speaking of that.

If you have a theme you want to write for our show please email hrrpodcast at gmail.com and we could potentially play your voicemail theme right here on the show. So if you're a talented musician or you got a little song in your heart email us there.

Yeah, what Adal meant is that we would love to have a brand new theme. So we're just waiting on you to send us a brand new theme, and then we'll have one. And by the way, it'll definitely be played on the show.

Yeah, can I just say it sucks that I had to set up the voicemail while I was searching for a final riddle, so that's why I misspoke. And if you want to leave us a voicemail, please do so at 1-805-Riddle-1. That's 1-805-Riddle-1. Casey, play that voicemail.

Hey guys. First time, long time. My wife and I are having a baby in March and it's a baby boy and we're really struggling to come up with names and I feel like you all are

We love you, and that's not the end of the app.

I have a book of essays about my dating life in Chicago, and it's called 10 Guys Named Theo, and I sent him a copy, which is why he knows that.

10 Guys Named Theo sounds like a celebrity band.

10 Theos I hate about you.

Uh-huh, thank you. Okay, so we're looking for... Captain Hooks. Captain what?

Well, I also believe that when this voicemail was left, they said the baby was going to be born in March. So now we're getting suggestions as to what you should have named your child. Yes.

And anyone else can use these. So here's some names that I like. Theo. Calvin. Teddy. Name of Theodore. He could be Theo for part of his life. Teddy for the other part of his life. What else?

I have some. Please. My first, my gut instinct is to name a child Jack-O. So that's Jack-O. And then of course the middle name would be Lantern and then if your last name is like Williams it would be like Jack-O, Lantern Williams. I think that's really fun. I'd also say I like a hyphenated so even like non-stop if you named a kid like non-stop Belvedere or something like non-stop is a great first name and I think it also sets expectations that they'll just be like really hustling and really getting shit done.

I have some suggestions. I think that you cannot go wrong with an X-Man name. So you have your Charles, you have your Scots, you have your jeans, you have your Storms, you have your Havocs, your Polaris.

Start it so normal.

You have Nightcrawler. You can do Logan, of course, Logan. Colossus is also great if they're a boy. Jubilee is a great name. Thunderbird Iceman.

Iceman if it's a girl. Lockheed Kitty Pride. Siloc.

Someone I know just had a baby named Banner, and I'd never heard that name for a baby before, and it's so cute. And they call, yeah, it's so cute. And they call him B as like a fond nickname, and I just, it's really cute, like B-E-E. Oh, I like that. Yeah.

What about like, I think, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna die on this hill. I think city names should start to be first names. So like Flagstaff, Sedona, Sedona Williams. Isn't that beautiful, Sedona? Sedona Williams. That's a beautiful name. San Diego Robertson. Austin did it.

Austin did it.

St. Louis. Our little angel.

Saint Paul.

Buffalo Williams. Um, hopefully that helped. So I'd say either an ex- name your child. It has to be one of these three.

Either an ex-man.

In case he says Edinburgh Rifai. Edinburgh Rifai. Uh, either an ex-man, a city, or one of Erin's exes. And I think you'll be in good standing.

And if you can find a city that is also an ex-man and also one of Erin's exes, like that's the trifecta. Ooh.

Ooh. Trying to think of that. I was like, that can't be, that's not possible, right? None of the X-Men are city names.

Didn't you date a guy named Magneto?

Oh, Magneto, Omaha. Yeah, yeah. He was nice.

That sounds like a football play of like, Magneto, Omaha 42.

One of Erin's only nice exes, Magneto Obaha.

The one that got away.

I thought that Gambit Buffalo was pretty nice.

Buffalo, Gambit, won't you come out tonight? Well, thank you so much for your voicemail. I hope we solved your problem. And that's what we did here. We solved problems and riddles. And what is a voicemail but a riddle? Thank you all for being with us for 250 years. If you want more content, please check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Um, check out our socials. You can follow us at HeyRiddleRiddle on Twitter and Instagram. I know sometimes people, uh, we've been getting messages that people feel like the live shows have been falling through the cracks a little bit, but we post all of our updates about where we're going to be and when on our social media. So if you want to be the first to know, check us out there. And then also check out sitcomD&D if you can. Recorded with a few dream guests of mine and it's been incredible and so might be a good time to jump in. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, I would say I've said it so many times. I'll say it again. I love receiving stuff in the mail. I love free stuff. If you want to send us something, please send us something to Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 West Montrose Avenue, number 267. That's Chicago, Illinois 60634. We've got a lot of cool stuff. We've gotten some pet toys recently for all of us. Just very kind of you.

Yeah, and if you check out the Patreon live streams, we've been opening a lot of those live in person on the Patreon live streams.

And you can see our little faces light up. So that's fun. You can also check out Hello from the Magic Tavern and Tell Me About It podcasts if you want to check those out. And JPC, do you have anything to plug, promote, or a review to read?

Hey Riddle. Five stars forever. My favorite podcast, and their Patreon is even better. Patrick, thanks so much for putting some English words in there, although I do love reading lore but some text.

Okay, JPC, you just read a lot of Latin and you read it very clearly with a lot of annunciation, and I don't want to alarm you, but there's some sort of smoke or hellfire rising up behind you. You've clearly summoned some sort of... What color is it?

I think it might be the new Pope. I might be the new Pope! It's like an orb... Young Pope?

Youngish Pope? Early mid-thirties? It doesn't look like a Jew law.

It does look like a Jew law.

Mid to late thirties.

Mid to late thirties! Erin, the orb kind of the human count. Oh yeah. Bye, forever.

Oh, brother.

Mid to late 30s. 34 motherfuckers! That's mid 30s. That's early mid 30s.

Yeah, I need to reply to JPC's tweet really quick, actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We gotta drive engagement. This is actually really good for the brand. What's his tweet? The tweet reads. Just got a news alert that says Don Lemon, Tucker Carlson, and Erin Keif are starting a Riddle podcast? What the fuck?

JPC's voice generated by AI. I said I'm upgrading to kind insane hosts this time.

Wish me luck.

Wow.

Is that too mean?

No. No. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, let's start a four-hour recording, guys.

Yeah, no, this is a good foot to get off on. Cool. Hey.

Hey, Erin. Hey.

Hey there Hitchcocks and Tails. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We have special guest CJ Tour and Brie Fitzpatrick on to explore a bowling alley. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!