Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgun podcast.

Hello there, and welcome to the Riddle Kingdom. The Riddle Kingdom has experienced many years of peace and good, clean fun, thanks to the Lord of Beeps. With his magic and diligent ear, he was able to beep every f**k and s**t set round the kingdom. Every dirty word said or thought would get gracefully caught by the Lord of Beeps. Like the guy in the control room at the Oscars who's watching things five minutes before we do. He was beloved and a hero to young and old. Just like the guy in the Oscars control room. May you live forever, Lord of Beeps! May you live forever!

Lords and Ladies of the Distinguished Finger F- Tavern, please gather round for songs of the greatest hero in all the land. My life, here we go. Bang your mugs on the table, folks. Oh, the Lord of Beeps is a noble man keeping order from chaos throughout the land with the guiding light of his gentle hand keeps the worst of us at bay. He knows of the demons we keep there in and he purges the words that are worse than sins. And we wrote this course to honor him full of words that we can't say. So we'll toast his in the church with a in a tentacle.

So their men and their in the leftist communist. So we'll I mean what? What the fuck?

I mean fuck?

I can fucking swear. Oh mother of god, piss on the cross.

What the fuck is that?

The Lord of Beeps made his home in Ridhaven, where the castle at the center was surrounded by a quaint village. Ridhaven has narrow dirt roads lined with thatched roof cottages and small fields of crops. You can hear the sound of animals in the distance and the clucking of chickens in the yard. The village is surrounded by a wooden wall with a tall gatehouse that serves as its main entrance. Guards stand watch, keeping an eye out for any trouble. Beyond the wall you can see the fields and forests that surround the village, with smoke rising from the peasants' chimneys and clouds rolling by quickly in the bright blue sky. Shepherds wander the hills roaming after rogue sheep. We open midday at the bustling Market Square. Vendors are shouting their wares and villagers are haggling over the price of goods. The smell of fresh bread and roasted meat wafts through the air. A blacksmith hammers away at a piece of metal while children run around chasing each other. We see a knight on a horse throw a gold coin into a cup in front of a loot player. We can't make out his face at first because it feels like we are looking into the sun. Sir Stoneheart the Cool is a tall broad-shouldered knight with chiseled features and piercing blue eyes. His blonde hair falls in gentle waves around his face, and his armour gleams in the sunlight. He was known not only for his impressive physical strength, but also for being chivalrous, honourable, and a sucker for puns. He is also very, very cool. And he's riding a white horse, and that horse's name is Friday. Adal, you are Sir Stoneheart.

Who me? Aha! Away Friday! Back away from the salute player.

Friday is being pulled by Sir Stoneheart Squire, Artemis Scruff. That Stoneheart affectionately just calls Scruff. Scruff has black, unkempt hair and a perpetually unshaven face. He looks disheveled and his recent growth spurt has made his clothes two sizes too small. He's a teen, so his problem with authority makes him being a squire to a powerful knight very difficult at times. He's been labelled as angsty and defiant and a little His highest aspiration is to be taken seriously, slash, and or become super famous. JPC, this is you.

Come on, you stupid horse! Come on!

You think you're better than people just because you get to sleep in the nice bed and I gotta sleep in the barn?

Come on! Careful not to rough her up too bad. That's my girl Friday and TGIF because if I was riding Thursday, I'd be closer to the ground. Scruff, what do you think of my new armor? It's completely made of mother of pearl. Catches the sun, don't you think?

It's way heavier. I'll say that it's way heavier. And that's not a complaint. Please don't write that down because it's not a complaint. I'm not complaining about the armor being heavier. It's just it is heavier. You understand it is heavier.

Well, that's to make you stronger, my boy. You are still a teenager. The mocks of pock are still upon your face. You have such bad acne.

You can't wipe acne off of someone's face. The oil from your fingers is making it worse. Stop!

Sure, and that's coming from a knight. I mean, when I take off my helm, I have blackheads galore, but I pop them in the night while looking into my armor.

I, you know what, this is, again, I'm not complaining, but nobody likes when beautiful people give them advice on skincare, okay? That sucks. It just, it always sucks to hear.

Me? Teeth catch the sun. Teeth catch fire.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Scruff, when will you learn that you cannot speak to anyone and everyone as if they're your enemy? One day you'll have to trust someone. One day you'll have to make your own way in the world without my protection. I've killed what? 32, 33 men that you've... Either slept with their wives, or slept with their daughters, or kicked their dogs, or stolen from their pockets, or... Yeah, I mean, but look, first of all, it was mostly pocket stealing, okay?

I don't want to get into this thing. I'm not some lothario around town of, you know, sleeping with people's dogs or whatever. That's fair. What you said, or what you said.

I don't remember what you said. No, no, no. I know the truth, but we're in public, so I'll maintain your image, Scruff. When will you ever use the sword I got you? Remember I got you? I had forged for you in the castle depths, belly itcher? I lost it. Belly itcher, your sword.

I lost it. You lost belly itcher?

This is just the hilt.

I just glued the hilt under this scabbard. The sword part I lost.

Scruff, scruff, scruff.

Here's what happened. I was cooking your dinner and I think what I did was I put the sword down on the stove and the stove was too hot and I think that the sword part melted away. I ate liquid sword. Over weeks, over weeks.

The sound of a bell being swung by the town crier in the square cut through their conversation like a knife or an old lost sword. A short man dressed in purple medieval garb stood atop a wooden platform at the center of the square. He rang his brass bell with desperation.

Excuse me, excuse me. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce to you that the Lord of Beeps Is dead. It appears he has been murdered. The Queen has implored the kingdom to not panic and to not use any of this to say naughty things. We will reach out to you with news as it rolls in. The King of Beeps. Dead. There's no fucking way.

That can't be true.

That's a blast-ass lie. Where I be cock-snabbled.

Oh shit! Oh no! Oh fuck! Butts! Oh no!

I've come to a good... Oh that's a little bit of a dirty dingus don't you think?

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I did. They could be looking for a new Lord of bleeps.

Just don't hurt. Please, would you write me a letter of recommendation?

Oh, I think I could crash that job. I think I could do it so well.

I don't think you're ready. You're a teenager, Scruff. I mean, egads. Can you even bleep my thoughts?

I wish I could have blepped the e-word that you just dropped. Just because he's dead don't mean you're going to start acting like a ruffian.

Oh no. I've disrespected the Gads. You're supposed to be the best of us, Stoneheart.

You're like the Harvey Dent of, you know, Riddhaven or whatever, wherever we live.

Riddhaven? Yes. Yes, an area Harvey Dent in my armor. Scruff? Between the two of us, we shall figure out this situation. I don't know if you're... Who?

Who is? Oh, I thought you were saying there was a person between the two of us and we're standing so close. Excuse me! There is a person!

Excuse me! Stoneheart pulls on armour. Excuse me, Sir Stoneheart, Sir.

You're stretching out my armour, please don't.

You're the bravest knight in all the land, Sir.

Who? Me? Smiles wide, teeth catch the sunlight, catches on fire.

A hawk in the sky catches on fire, reflected from the teeth. A hawk falls out of the sky, burns.

It lands in someone's plate, fully cooked, and they just start eating it. Roasted hawk, all goody.

Dinner served, just another meal provided by a star stone heart. What a... Good child, what do you need of me?

Me and the other children. We were wondering if maybe you would solve the Lord of Beeps murder, sir.

Oh you must, yes you must please. We won't feel safe until the murderer is apprehended, sir.

Okay, when you say other children, and we heard from those children, you took off your hat and put on a few other hats and then talked slightly differently?

The rest of them are nervous. Gestures to a bunch of kids who don't like public speaking or talking to adults. Okay.

They are the ones they're nervous. They had me come over here and represent the children of the town. Please, Mr. Stonehand and Mr. Scruff are great to solve the murder.

Well, do you children... We all know children are the messengers of the streets. Do you children have any leads or any information that we might use to start our...

Perhaps a song, perhaps a choreographed dance number that you've put together that could kind of lead us to the right. I'm just spitballing here.

No, that's great. Maybe a song of squire and ice.

When I said song, that child in the back, his eyes got real bright. You there, boy in the back. Yeah. Do you have a song?

Do you have a song?

Oh, I guess so.

Well, lie. And then for time, we have to cut this, but it's a 12 minute song that takes place in the town center. There's lots of dance breaks and Sir Stoneheart sings. Scruff gets a big, a high note at the end, but we recorded all of it. We just cut it for time.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right. You should say that though, to answer your previous question.

You should go to talk to the town doctor, sir, and Mr. Scruff. She's my mother, sir, and I think she'll know what to do.

The Apothecary was the mother? Eagad Scruff, did you hear that?

Wait, how could that be? How could the Apothecary be the mother if you're a child? Wait, never mind. No, hold on, never mind. Yeah, you're right. It's the normal way. It's normal. Wait, didn't your father die in a cart accident?

Yes.

Yeah? Why are you bringing that up? Oh. Oh, both of you.

Oh, both. We have similar trauma.

Get off of me.

Oh, sorry.

Why does everyone think it's just okay to touch my face? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Is it something about my face?

Scruff and Sir Stoneheart make their way to the town's doctor's office. A few streets over. The sign outside of the store has the following burned into wood. Town doctor and apothecary. But like, we sort of feel bad for even saying doctor, you know? Like there's only so much we can do in this day and age. Like, we'll try leeches and we'll try rubbing dirt on it, but mostly we are probably just gonna be a friendly face to stand next to while you die. Walk-ins welcomed.

Ooh, so still in the heart. Let me try practicing my reading.

D-d-d-d-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot. How'd I do? You nailed him.

The inside was dimly lit with clutter, surgical tools, and books. The Lord of Beeps lay dead on the table in the center of the room. The doctor and a long navy cloak looked solemn and concerned, and she leaned against the table in defeat.

And now, Scruff, when we talk to the doctor, please know, if you ask about your acne, if you ask about any issue, your STDs from the dogs, She will prescribe bloodletting, so be careful. Bloodletting is all she prescribes. Excuse me, Mother Doctor.

Yes, can you fucking believe this? What can I do for you, gentlemen? I can answer any of your questions, obviously, if you answer my riddle first. You know the law on Redhaven.

Yes, of course.

Why did the rooster go to the doctor? Because... I like it, and so I'll give it to you, but he had the cockadoodle flu.

Oh, oh, a terrible STD in the cock-a-doodle flu. We just call that bird flu.

Yeah, my solution to that is always bloodletting. What can I do for you?

We see that the Lord of Beeps is unfortunately dead upon your table and it looks like you're... Looks like you're leeching him. He's a corpse, right?

Right, but I mean, that's what we did. It's policy you do that to anyone who comes in, starts putting leeches on the two of you.

You know what? We just actually... I'm good. We just had leeches.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Well, as you can see, the Lord of Beeps here was stabbed in the arpe. But it's like no blade I've seen. If you can get to the bottom of what he was stabbed with, it might help you solve the mystery.

And I'm so sorry, he was stabbed in the... Heart.

Heart.

Sorry. Heart.

I'm from across the river where we don't say our H's that pronounced.

Oh yes, you're right.

Like, how are you?

No, yes, I'm... I'm born of a more nobler position, so I pronounce my H's.

And I never knew my true parents, but some say they're the most beautiful prince and princess in all of the land. Wait, your dad died in a car accident? I knew my adopted parents. I knew who they were. My dad died in a car accident and my mother is a washer woman, but my true parents, the ones that birthed me, sir. Yes, of course, and we'll solve that mystery one day, I promise you. You said it was a special sword that killed the Lord of Beeps, right?

I'm not sure what it was, and the only person I know that ever hated the Lord of Beeps is the old witch in the woods, Celery Seed. You should go see her, and maybe quickly, cause it's starting to get dark.

Oh yes, Celery Seed. She's a witch who likes curses, and not the kind you're thinking, Scruff. Curses isn't, uh, you know, shit fuck. Sir! You know, damn. Your honor. He god damn it. The Lord of Beeps is barely even cold. Wow, he's really hot. Yeah, the leeches are really warm. Can we get some of these leeches off? Are these hot leeches? What's going on here? These are hot leeches. These are suture leeches.

Yes, medicine. Being a doctor. Hot leeches. Get out.

I just saw you hold your head like you have a headache, doctor, and then pop two leeches in your mouth with some water.

I'm telling you, they're a cure-all. They're a cure-all.

That can't be right.

Here, take some to go in case you need some.

Oh yes, just put them in the bottle. Yeah, we don't want to be rude. We'll take a bottle of leeches. And sorry, can I get a prescription scroll just in case I'm stopped and searched?

Yes.

Okay, thank you. In case, you know, in case the castle security catches that when I go through TSA. Right.

On your way.

Thank you so much. And you said Celery Seed was her name, correct?

Yes. And just to cover payment, because I know we don't want to just leave you here. I'll go into the armor bag. Here is a blue shield and here is a blue cross. So that should cover everything.

We take that here, thank goodness.

Wonderful. Do you wanna hawk for dinner, or...?

She closes the door behind us.

I guess not, she already had... had her sup.

Friday Gallop quickly into the nearby woods as the sun fully set. The woods at night were an unsettling place. The occasional hoot of an owl was haunting, but a nice escape from the silence. It started to rain, but the canopy of trees were able to shield them from most of the water. They follow the light from a tiny cottage that was covered in wildlife. The door of the cottage swings open and they see an ancient looking witch. Her hair is literally a bird's nest and her cloak is made entirely of leaves.

Come in, come in! I've been expecting you!

Oh, did you do something with your hair?

And you've noticed, thank you so much. Yes.

Looks covered in egg. Beautiful. What a sheen.

Yes. Come in, come in, come in.

Eh?

Usually those cums would be beeped, but... The inside of the cottage was wall-to-wall shelves filled with oddities, potions, bones, small plants, crystals, and maps of the stars. The scent was thick with the smell that emanated from the cauldron in the middle of the room.

Can you fucking believe this? Terrible news about the Lord of Beeps then.

Yes, that's why we're here. Can I ask, these maps of the stars, so this is like where King Arthur lives? You like give tours?

Yeah, I do.

Wow. One day, Scruff, one day we have to take that tour.

Some people say it's an invasion of privacy, and I say then don't be famous then!

I'd love to see what Gwen the Wise picks up his dry cleaning.

I can show you that then.

We'd love to, but we don't have time. We don't have time. We're here on, I mean, not officially sanctioned the King's business, but essentially the King's business. Yes.

Right then, right there. We'll solve my riddle first then. What do you get if you cross a snowman with a witch?

Oh, this sounds like you have a child out there somewhere and you're looking for answers. If you want us to help you find the child, we will. Did you have a relationship with the snowman?

This is part Riddle, part personal anecdote.

Of course, of course.

That snowman witch lives with her father then.

Okay, what do you get when you cross a snowman and a witch? So I'm guessing it's something to do with like a broom for improvement or... It's frosty hee hee or something.

Yes, called it a carrot no... Now me personally, I've had many relations with snowmen, which you don't have to worry about when you're a young boy because you can just, you know, you can just kind of plug away. But when you're a witch and there's magic on the mind, I mean, that snowman's coming to life most of the time.

Yes, of course. And I have been... the harpies once lured me to Love Island and I know for a fact that melt is a term, so the snowmen could be a fucking melt, which I know that's... What do I read in my books here?

What are they?

They'd lure him. They'd hold him for a chat. Spells? Spells.

You get... okay, a spell... And then what does it have to be outside temperature wise in order to make a spell?

A cold spell!

You've got it!

Alright, why are you here?

We are here to get answers for the fucking Lord of... bleeps, dumbass, god stab shit. Fuck ass.

Sir! Sir! You're losing your honor! Sir Stoneheart, please!

I think in order to... in order to solve this case, we have to get into the mind of the Lord of Beeps.

I fucking understand that then.

You know he was cursing up a storm in his head all the time. He'll be beeping it though, of course, right? Yes, of course.

Wait, hold on. So your theory is we have to get into his mind and then we just assume what's going on in his mind? Yes, that's how science works these days. Okay, no, you're right, yes, you're right.

Let me guess. Someone told you that I wasn't the biggest fan of the Lord of Beeps.

Yes, what was your quarrel with the Lord of Beeps?

Well, some of my curses require curses. Some of my favourite spells that I've never gotten to do have several swear words in them so they weren't available to me. Like watch this, I can do this now. Fucking turn them into fish.

And now both of you are goldfish in this little bowl.

Well, he's more like a goldfish. I'm like a kind of a pale yellowfish.

Did the spell not work on you? Am I shorter?

Am I a little shorter? Am I just a little shorter? What the hell? I feel like I'm 5'4 now.

I feel like I can't remember anything from the last three seconds.

Right, then I guess it did work. So that was my issue with the Lord of Beeps, but I'd never kill him.

I don't like leaving my cottage for basically anything. It's really hard to find.

Yeah, you do have a little bit of a hoarder vibe. There's just like lots of like trash in here. Just me?

There's cauldrons stacked on cauldrons stacked on cauldrons. Some of these cauldrons are cracked and you're not going to fix them.

Come on. No, I'm going to use them. I'm going to fix them.

No.

What if I need them?

There's wild animals in here that I don't think are like ingredients. I feel like they just are like cohabitants at this point.

Yes, my roommates.

A bulk-sized jar of newt eyes. What are you going to use? 5,000 newt eyes. Those are going to go bad.

Tonight!

No, come on. Celery salt, come on. Celery seed? Celery seed.

Alright well you know, you've broken up the wrong witch and I'll tell you where you could go.

Oh yes please. Yes please.

I'm pretty sure that maybe she would kill him. The lady of the pond. The two of them had a romance you see. Oh.

Wow, we just came from the Lord of Beeps corpse and I gotta say, he's working with, he's working with, well let's just put it this way. I had a pretty big dick.

What is wrong with you?

That just came should have been beeped.

What is wrong with you?

Well to be fair.

Have some respect for the Lord of Beeps. I do, I give respect. That's the ultimate respect.

Scruff, calm down. To be fair, his penis did have 30-40 leeches on it, so we don't know what was leech weight and what was dick weight. That's true, that's true.

Please leave so I can use all these newt eyes.

You're not going to use them.

Okay, you're eating them now, but as soon as we leave, you're going to spit them out. I love them. I can't wait to have both of them. We can see that swallowing. Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go. Let's go, let's go. Here we go. Up on Friday. And maybe, maybe, wait, hey, for once it would be, I don't know, this is funny, kind of like a joke. What if I wrote Friday and you, and you like, you know, walked next to Friday as a, as a no, you don't like that joke?

I walk next to Fridays at night. Never walks. Plus my armor is too heavy to walk. The minute I get off this horse and dismount, I'm useless in battle. I have to move your legs around just to get you into people's houses is the word.

They make their way to a magical pond in the middle of the forest. Once they are close, it is easy to find because the pond emanates a turquoise silver glow.

Okay, this must be it. This definitely seems like a magical pond. Scruff, maybe skip a stone across? Okay, I mean, I've never done it. Grab something that weighs 16 pounds and chuck it yeeted at the pond.

Okay, I'll reach into the armor bag. Is it okay if I get rid of some of the older armor that you've outgrown? Yes, of course, unless you want it. No, it's unfortunately, it's still too big for me. I wish I could grow into this armor. It'd be nice, but into the pond, into the pond. Then let's see. This Spalder and this Pauldron and this... Who dares disturb my rest?

Table for two. Scruff, watch this. Table for two. Oh no.

The pond water turns into a whirlpool and a woman with long wavy hair and a crown made of moss and sapphires comes out from the center of the lake. Her iridescent white dress seems to change colors every couple seconds. How dare you? Can you fucking believe it about the Lord of Beeps? I'm so sad to hear about his death.

I know. Does the dress have a setting? I'm pre-epileptic, so I can't look directly at the dress.

Oh yes, hold on. Let's see. It's just a slower... Yeah, just a battery pack at the back. Hold on. It's like right where it's hard to reach. I got it.

You should have taken your pre-epileptic age.

Yes, now, but now it's it's all red now. It's just I'm not sure if that means that's like a change battery or something.

Yeah. Okay. Hold on.

Yeah.

All right.

No, we can wait.

It's great. How about I just, I'm going to be back in one second.

I'm going to change.

Do what you need to do. Yeah. We have to dive back under the water. So what's, what's your favorite tree Scruff? Um,

That one, I guess. That one right there.

Who dares this to- No.

Table for two? We went through this. Yeah, we- Hello.

Can you fucking believe it? I'm so sad about the Lord of Beeps. How's the dress? Is it okay? Yes.

You knew him... Intimately.

Well, let me... give you a riddle first before I answer your questions. Give me food and I'll live, but give me water and I'll die. What am I?

It's a fire. Over-watered plant.

Right, great. Okay, easy. Fire, what can I help you with?

So how much of his dick was meat and how much of his dick was leeches?

We heard tale. We heard tale that the Lord of Beeps took you to pound town. I mean, you took him to pound... I mean, we heard that you had a connection with the Lord of Beeps, now deceased.

Enough with your insensitive language. I have been crying so much pond water. I would never kill him. Yes, our relationship ended because I could never leave this lake. But I loved the Lord of Beeps.

It's a pond sweetie. Sorry sweetie. It's a pond.

No, but it's like... Okay. No. Because I could never leave this pond.

It's four by four. There's scum. If I can see the end of it, it's a pond.

Yes, my sister is the lady of the lake, and yes, my oldest sister has the ocean. So maybe I'm not as impressive as them, but this is still pretty magic.

Your feet are in the pond, and the water's up to your ankle. Stop!

It's a pond, sweetie. My love just died. What are you doing?

No, of course I'm sus.

And I loved him with my whole heart.

Speaking of art, or hearts, do you know how the Lord of Beeps was kiddled?

I don't, but I must admit to a moment of weakness. The day following our breakup, a lowly castle guard came to see me and asked me the exact location of the Lord of Beeps. Out of spite, I showed him in the water exactly where he was. I didn't know he would kill him and I fear I might be responsible for this. No, it's not your fault. I'm crying in my leg, I'm crying.

You could have never showed him to scale where he is. So even if you did show him on such a tiny pond, it was, I mean, he obviously had to... No, no, I can like, I can like really show you.

What is going on?

It'd be like watching a football game on like a 20-inch TV. Like it's not, it's just not the same experience. It's hard to follow.

And can I admit to a moment of weakness as well. Two weeks ago, Scruff brought me some fudge from his travels and I said, no, I'm not going to eat that. And then I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw the fudge and I said, well, just have a little bite. I ate the whole fucking thing. The whole brick of fudge. Enough!

She turns the water into a shimming screen that shows the guard sound asleep, leaning against his staff at the top of the castle.

Is this like a CCT Creek or is this accurate right now? Yes. The resolution is awful.

Here he is there now. This is exactly what he looks like. This is exactly what he's doing right now.

I doubt he's this blurry in person.

Yeah, this sucks. I'm pretty sure he had something to do with this. I could be helping you solve it.

Okay. Yes, no, no, we appreciate the help. We appreciate the help. I'm sorry, can you rewind the water?

Yes, hold on. Just the water.

I'm tapping the water with my finger.

Hey!

Can I enhance? Can I enhance the water? Enhance.

No, it doesn't zoom in. This is the most zoomed in. Technically, my vision is from like 50 yards away. This is already zoomed in. You could zoom out.

You need glasses. You know that might be the problem. If you got glasses, would the water be clearer?

Yes. We all need glasses. Let's face it here in medieval times, we all need glasses. I saw a manatee the other day and I said, look a mermaid.

I used them for reading, but you know what? Goodbye. The lady in the pond turned into an elaborate fountain and fell into the pond with a splash.

She fell so hard. I can see her just like a couple of inches below the water. She's flat on her back.

She has what I open. She's waiting to see if we leave. Are you okay?

You still there?

Maybe she's hurt. She twisted her ankle pretty bad. It's best if we just leave because her pride is not going to let her seek medical attention until we go.

Oh, this is embarrassing. The water is replaying that moment where she just fell.

Oh, it's as bad as I remember it. Again, again. And she keeps playing it over and over again as they're walking away.

Well, we'll catch you on the flip side. Let's scruff, let's shuffle away here. Oh, how embarrassing. So scruff, let's go try and find that man. But before we do, why don't we set up a little tent, you set it up, and we'll take a quick break. Okay, I mean, it's a quick break for you.

It's gonna take me an hour to set up this tent. Come on, man. Are you even gonna want it? Because I'll set it up.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh, no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Hi, Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin.

Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect Erin because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay. So I'm right about goo. So it's a lot of goo. So are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store where you can sell your products online, whether it's physical like this goo, digital, like I imagine, you know, some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah. Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you have to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life.

I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes Hey Riddle. All Adal wanted was eight hours of playtime, and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime, except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio, but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in.

I know and the way they did it when they held their hands out and they said we'll tell you when we stop and that their hands keep going and going and going so far out.

So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume is 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it.

We miss you boy, get better soon.

Sir Stoneheart Scruff and Friday made it to the castle walls right as the night turned from pitch black to light blue. The castle walls were intimidating and made of stone with ivy creeping up the side. A thick moat stood between Friday and the impenetrable walls. Purple and red flags on spires cracked in the wind. As they came upon the castle, a rooster in Redhaven woke up and screamed into the sky and the sun responded by peeking over the horizon. On top of the wall they see the guard from the pond, much less blurry this time. The sleepy guard has spotty facial hair and his helmet is simultaneously too big and too small for his head.

Whoa, did we just stay up all night together? I think we pulled an all-nighter. Also, did that rooster that just crowed have the cock-a-doodle flu? I hope not.

I can be dese- Oh, I see what you do. Yes, I get it. Yes, okay. Oi, who goes there? It is I. I must announce you, sir. I must announce you.

Yes. Get the trumpet. Get the trumpet out. The trumpet.

Louder, please.

Oh, I dropped it. May I announce his honor, his virtue, his eternal vigil, Sir Stoneheart the Cool. And I, of course, Scruff, Scruff the Squire, you may have heard of me.

Scruff, list my accomplishments.

Yes. He clogged a toilet at the Royal Applebee's that everyone in the restaurant said was unfixable. Then we had to go hunt down a dragon to pay to get enough money to go back to the Applebee's and pay for the toilet. But when we got back, the whole place had been condemned. So they had to tear down the whole thing. So we had to go hunt another dragon in order to build back the Applebee's in order to pay for, to finance building it back. And by the time we got the whole thing built up again, this guy goes right into that same bathroom, clogs it again. Basically, basically, eight dragons we had to kill that weekend. Eight dragons that weekend. And he did it all himself.

Maybe you've heard the song. There's a song making the rounds that tells that exact story. If you haven't, I can give you the abridged version.

Poop, poop, poop. Poop, poop, poop. Poop, poop, poop. And slay the dragon. Poop, poop, poop. Poop, poop, poop. Poop, poop, poop. And slay the dragon. So Stoneheart, the very brave, he ruined the Applebee's bathroom eight times in a weekend. Eight times in a weekend.

I just needed a first and last name then.

I don't know his first name.

Can you fucking believe this? The Lord of Beeps is dead and there's chaos in the kingdom.

No, that's why we're here. What is your name? Patch-faced man?

I was never given a name.

Would you like us to give you a name?

Well, let me give you a riddle first, and then after I give you the riddle, then maybe you twos can give me a name.

Okay.

I am large as a castle, get lighter than air. A hundred men and their horses can't move me. What am I?

A bouncy castle? Have you ever tried to pick one of those things up? It just... it is impossible. They are wielding.

I'm large as a castle get lighter than air. A hundred men and their horses can't move me.

What am I? Is it a cloud?

No. What am I standing on right now?

It looks like a pile of horseshit. Sorry about that.

No, it's a block of ice because I'm rather short. But it's... I'm standing on the castle.

Okay, standing on the castle. Oh, it's the shadow of a castle.

Castle shadow?

I was gonna say shadow of the hedgehog.

I assume maybe the lady in the pond ratted on me.

Yes, we saw the footage and it's incriminating evidence.

It won't hold up in a tribunal because it's so blurry, but for our purposes, yes, it was you. It literally won't hold water.

Well, everything she told you is true, but I didn't hurt him. I went to go find him so I could ask him for a favor. You see, I wanted to quit my job, and I wanted to say fuck you to my boss on the day I quit. So I asked him to make an exception just the one time so I could have the impact I wanted it to have, but he said no exceptions.

He would never, yes. He was true to his commitments.

He was a nice guy and I don't know the grudge. Old Castle Shadow, that's my name.

Yes, you were too well. Can I ask, what was the state of mind when you asked him this favor? Did it seem like he was on the run? Did it seem like he was suspicious or concerned at all?

He seemed a little paranoid, but mostly he seemed horny. He'd just gone through a breakup, and he was a little torn out about it, and he wanted to have sex, I think. He's horny.

You have to be pretty horny to mention it to a stranger who comes to you at work asking for a favour.

It was one of the first things he said.

You have to be pretty horny to pull the wool over my eyes.

Well, I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but the rumbles I've heard around the castle are all about the court jester. He hated the old Lord of Beeps, he did. He did? He just arrived to work today. I'll let you in the walls so you can talk to him then.

Let us in the walls. We'll just take the door. Yeah. Oh, you sure? No, thank you so much though.

Yeah, go ahead with the bricks back. Yeah, put the chisel down. You don't need to take any walls apart or anything. The door's fine.

A-boop-boop-boop-boop, and then killed the drinking.

Oh, catchy song, eh?

The drawbridge lowered with a thud and they walked in the castle. Long red and purple tapestries lined the walls of the very cold and stoic great hall. Handles lit the halls, but not well. They followed the sound of a jester warming up.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

What are you, six, seven? Jesus Christ. Cousin Greg looking motherfucker.

What? Me?

Nevertheless.

What can I help you with? So we, well, we want some questions answered, but of course, dot dot dot dot riddle song lives in winter, dies in summer and grows with its roots upward.

What is it? Lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its roots upward. What is it?

Yes, this would be like an icicle or something.

Ah, you've got it. Poke, poke, poke in the stomach.

Ow, ow, ow. With icicles. Ah, yes. Pokes me in my butthole.

My eyes are red. The white part. The white part's red of my eyes. And the pupil. Can I help? Hello?

We've been up all night, but you look like you've been up for days.

I have, I have, I have.

You have some powder on your nose?

Oh yes, would you like some?

No, thank you. No, it looks like it's mostly in your nose. I don't ski, I don't ski, but thank you. Enjoy the slopes. Listen, Courtchester, do you have a name by chance?

Just the Courtchester, you see.

CJ, can we call you CJ? Would that be okay, CJ? CJ, would that be okay?

So my family calls me Terrifying Red Eyes. Don't answer the door if you come to the door.

No, I wouldn't enter the door as well.

No, not at all. Ah, Court Jester, we heard that you... Scruff, what did we hear something about the Jester?

I'm so thrown by his face and eyes. We heard that you hated the Lord of Beeps and we are investigating his murder.

Some sort of snitch, I guess. Well, I didn't love the Lord of Beeps, but I didn't stab him over it or anything. I whine about him sometimes because he was really holding my act back. I thought if I could swear in my act it would really take it to the next level. Then I could tour it around the kingdom. Ha ha! It is a terrible coincidence, but I feel free to let loose while I'm performing now.

Oh, no offense, but I've seen your set. I don't necessarily know what swears would do for what your comedy. Is it like, what's with this fucking airplane food?

Yes! Ha ha! You know how your eyes are fucking red and your fucking family won't let you through the door because of your red eyes? Isn't that shit?

I mean, I've mostly seen you do rabble work where you're like, is anyone here from fucking Ridhaven? And everyone's like, all of us!

That's an important skill! That's an important skill! Ha ha!

Hee hee! I guess so.

Talking to the rabble, sometimes making fun of one of the rabble, even though they're just sitting there trying to have a nice night out. And then you start to pick on them.

I heard that CJ did a drop in at the chuckle hut, did 45 minutes, no jokes. I knew a lot of good comics get bumped that night.

That is awful. I mean, I've seen him before where he'll like gesture towards some guy and be like, this guy has the plague, am I right?

Yes, but sometimes I do prolific storytelling and that's what the 45 minutes was. It wasn't. Long-form story, everyone loved it.

He smoked like two packs of cigarettes. He smoked like two packs of cigarettes. I think he talks a lot about his divorce. I'm not sure if that's long-term storytelling.

Oh, you mean my freedom? Haha.

Yeah, this is the bit. You're still wearing the ring, that's sad. You ate a bunch of gold rings around your wrists and your ankles.

I never did the dishes. I never helped at home. I never did anything. I wouldn't let her be alone. And then she left me. Why? Why?

We already answered one, Riddle, but we're probably not going to do another one. He is. Do you know who would have wanted the Lord of Beeps dead?

Aha, I do. The Lord of Beeps is hated most. Yes, it's hilarious, but the Queen herself.

Oh, see, she's writing it down. He's going to use that in his act. You just got ripped off. This is like a Mencia. This is like a Carlos Mencia situation.

Oh, you know. That's so funny. So funny. I wrote that. Everyone remembers it. Well, the Queen herself hates Lord of Beeps most of all. She didn't like how popular and powerful he was, like the guy in the Oscar control room. You should go see her in the her throne room. Her day starts now. Good luck!

Hey Riddle.

Actually, she did get pregnant and that child was sent away, sent away to a cart driver two kingdoms over. That cart driver... We don't have time to think about it now. We don't have time to think about it now. Of course not, of course not. But are you going to be okay? Is the history still? There is history still. We correspond through letters talking about our son who's somewhere out there who I guess is squiring for some night due to the rumors, but who knows?

I mean, it's lucky that you're teaching me to read one day. I hope to read some letters such as these.

Yes, of course. I'll show you. Can I just say you look so much like me anyway. Let's go into the Queen's chambers. Knock, knock, knock.

The throne room is decadent and all the windows are a colorful stained glass. It is much brighter than the rest of the castle. Purple carpet leads up to the queen. The queen has long red hair and a red dress that was mostly sleeves. Her golden crown looked like it was made of question marks and thorns. Wait, hello. Can you fucking believe that the Lord of Beeps is dead? Unfucking believable.

Hey Kelsey, good to see you.

Hey, it says so hard I heard about your recent experience at the Olive Garden.

It was in Applebee's. Listen to the song again. I sent you a single.

Yeah, I heard it.

Sorry, a single lute player to play it for you.

Yeah, sounded a little embarrassing. I don't know why you'd want an ex to hear that story about you. Not solving any crimes or slaying any real dragons lately, huh?

I'm sorry, they said that toilet was uncloggable.

And who clogged it? And any press, good press, bad press, it's all press. I mean, just to get people talking, Sturr Stoneheart's name is out there. It's all good news for us.

Yes, I tell that to the guy in the dungeon. Who's the guy in the dungeon that doles out all the pain? What's that guy's name? Torture? The torture. I tell that to the torturer. Any time he puts like 500 pounds on a prisoner, I say any press is good press, and that makes him laugh sometimes.

Yeah, that makes him laugh. That press is dead. 500 pounds. That's too much. That's crushing weight. That is crushing weight.

Speaking of crushing weight, uh, no.

Isn't it a crushing weight on all of our hearts that the Lord of Beeps is dead, Kelsey?

Well, sorry, that was an absolute train wreck before me. The two of you talking like this, you have to answer my riddle first.

Yes, of course. Scruff. Yes. Her riddles, she would tell me riddles in bed and stuff. The answer is almost always air. Go ahead, Kelsey.

Um, the acoustics aren't good in here, but let me, sorry, I'm just finding my backup Riddle for no reason at all. Oh god, oh god, oh god. Flip, flip, flip through. I don't want to hear about your family, Kelsey. I told you. They miss you. None of my other boyfriends have made them laugh the way you do. Come on!

Stay strong. Stay strong.

A king, a queen, and two twins all lay in a room. How are there no adults in the room?

Air? There's no air? H-E-I-R?

I am this close to having my guard seize you and send you down to the torture room.

Don't forget you let your guard down. Remember you didn't show up to his birthday party?

We were at a wedding for one of your friends. That's so manipulative. I missed his party for something that would matter to you.

Still, you let your guard down, and that's why there's been so many assassination attempts on your life. Kelsey, that's why I couldn't stay with you. I couldn't keep beheading men racing into the room to try and stab you in the sleep.

I miss you.

The sleep!

The answer's a mattress! Yes, they're all beds.

Are there air mattresses, though? Come on, Kelsey, are there air mattresses? You know they are. H-E-I-R mattresses. My queen, you know they are.

They are, but that is besides the point.

The card's right there, I'm reading it, it says, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh,

I assume you're here about the Lord of Beeps?

Yes. Yes, we are, Kelsey.

Well, I didn't put you in any official royal business to solve this case.

No, but I am on a no-fly list thanks to you. Can't mount a single dragon anymore.

Mm-hmm. And no flies, though, are allowed to bother you if you die. They can't stay near you or if you smell really bad.

Which, could I just say, was great when I clogged the toilet at Applebee's. Not a single fly around. It was heaven.

Yes, the Lord of Beeps was very popular and had his own song by Arnie Parrot. Very impressive, very impressive. But I'm not intimidated by his power. And I liked the beeps sometimes. They help with comedic delivery. A beep is usually funnier than a swear. What do you think?

Give us an example, Cassie.

Like, if someone, like, goes, oh, fuck you, after a character that's been talking for a while, it's funnier to have it be like, oh, beep you. You know, it's just, it's funnier. It's rhythmically, I don't know.

You're right. Yeah, you're right. There is something in the timing and in the, yes, you're right. I agree.

I only know one comedian and it's the gesture. So I feel like I don't have a great idea.

Then you know zero comedians. You don't know Dave Chappell?

I don't.

You know the priest? Yes, he's a priest. He plays in small rooms. Very holy. Very holier than thou. Yes.

Very wrong about some things in major ways.

A lot of people say he fell off big time in the last 10 years.

Yeah, say fuck that guy.

See, that's the thing. You could say like, you could use the bleeps in a way to say like, that guy bleeping bleeps. And then you don't have to even think about what you want to say because you know it's going to be covered by a bleep.

Yes. There's also Bill Kerr, the bald dog, um, who, I don't know, he's, he, he has somebody inside.

Amy Shoemaker.

Yes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Who else? Anthony Leatherneck.

Uh, alleyway Wong. Um.

Yes. There's, uh, Todd Cherry, the orchard master, who's just very droll and dry. Ah, who gives?

Who gives? Oh yes, it looks like Casey has said Dane Cook. Really want to sit in that one, huh Casey?

Dane Cook? You're really proud of that one? The great Dane Cook. There's Richard Squire.

All right, I feel like you're trying to buy time.

Casey is my fairy who I usually keep locked away in this little jar. Shake the jar, shake the jar.

What have you concluded? You've been gallivanting around this entire kingdom all day trying to figure out who killed the Lord of Beeps. Well, how was he murdered? Nobody knows who murdered him. Have you figured it out? No, probably not. I miss you so much.

I miss Kelsey. I missed you so much. I dream of you night and day. I changed my entire armor to Mother of Pearl to honor you because I know Mother of Pearl is your favorite.

Are you still killing birds out of the sky with your teeth?

Yes, he is.

Anyways, anyways, the murder. Has it been solved?

The murder, the murder. No, I mean, we've hit, we've, my queen, we've hit quite a wall. Because we tried, because the person outside said come through the walls and we said that we'd take the door.

Why don't you walk through all of the suspects and all of their motives and then maybe you can suss it out from there?

Well, not all of them could afford motives. Castles have motives, of course, with alligators or crocodiles. So we saw the doctor.

Richard Pryor.

I'm done. Oh, I said Richard Squier. Okay. It could be two. Yes, sure. Um, let's see. So we saw the doctor, whose motive I guess would be business. Who wanted to give us leeches, but we said no thank you. We said no. Doris Leachman.

Amen to that, yes.

Let's see, we saw the Lady of the Pond. Well before that we saw the Witch of the Wood. Yes, the Wood Celery Seed. Lady of the Pond we saw. Which one?

Celery Seed.

Celery Seed wanted to use curses in her curses. Cool.

Clever. Lady of the Pond.

What did... Lady of the Pond was, I guess, a scorned lover that I think they'd recently broken up. Who was named? Shadow Castle, Castle Shadow, who was a guard on a block of ice. Could really get a good gauge on him.

He's a weird letball. He tried to open up a wall. Just a wild character.

And then who else?

Fairy Seinfeld.

Fairy Seinfeld.

Yes, I guess that worked. Fairy Seinfeld.

Yeah, sure. Sorry. Kelsey, what did you say?

Solve the murder.

Okay. I mean, honestly, if I had, you know, spear to my heart, I would say the court jester. I think CJ, I mean, I think he's killed before. I think he's killing right now. I think he'll kill again.

Alright, well let's think about it then. But wasn't the Lord of Beeps stabbed by something that you couldn't... They had no idea what it could have possibly been. There was no weapon found around the body. Yes, that's right.

It could have been CJ's face. That guy's face is all angles.

It could have been a melted sword. You know, some of the stabs of the sword melted.

Wait, whose riddle was icicle? Ah, shit. It was what grows upside down winter? That was the Corchester.

Right? You talk a little bit too much, huh?

You two? I'm going to take my icicle sword out of my pocket.

An icicle sword?

Yes, I did it. I did it. I did it. You sussed it out. It's hilarious. Let me write it down.

No, don't write it down. That's not how you spell either of them. Roseanne Barron?

Lewis Blacksmith. That's what was really good.

Eddie Wizard. Eddie Wizard.

Oh, that's the best one.

Well... Did we say David Troll? Did we say David Troll yet?

I'll kill you next if you don't fight me.

Michelle Woolf, that just works as is. Yeah, that just works. I'll kill you next.

I'll kill you now. And I'm running at you with an icicle.

Alligator Wong.

Oh, you've been stabbed.

No, my mother of pearls saved me. Quick, quick, Scruff, make me smile. Um, I love you. Dad? My son. Smile real big, light catches through the window, my teeth, the light bounces off my teeth and hits CJ right in the eye.

Oh, I'm dead!

I thought you were going to use it to melt the icicle. He's writing that down.

Well done to the two of you, and you've found out that you are our son, and I'm very proud of that scruff.

Colin Joust?

What we really need, I think, is the Lord of Beeps back, so this can end.

Yeah, all right, I'm coming in, I'm coming in, I'm celery seed, and bringing the body then here?

Oh, celery seed.

Yes, and I'm going to bring back the Lord of Beeps to life so we can have our- You're going to resurrect him?

Yes, ready? Fucking Lord of Beeps is up. And I'm gonna fill this cup and he is getting awfully great. And he is the best of it. I will not give him city if the- and this goes on for 20 minutes. And, ha! Oh! It is I, The Lord of Beeps. He's alive, he's alive, he's alive, he's alive.

Look at that dick. Wow. It wasn't just the leech blood.

I'm fucking no law. Sorry, it seems I'm a bit out of fucking sick. It might take a while to catch up.

No, Lord of Beeps, it's okay. Take your time.

His beeps are not matching up with the swears. Okay, let me try again. Shit.

No, you're not quite there.

You're not quite there. I mean, they're overlapping, which is good, but I think you just have to make the beep louder, perhaps, or talk softer.

He gads. No, no. Not yet. No, you'd quit.

I think that was a test. Is it midnight? That might have been a test.

Gentlemen, thank you so for bringing me back to life.

You're welcome. To help us as repayment for bringing you back to life, can you think of any big stand-ups that were missing?

Well, this is indeed why I truly upset the Jesters. I told him my favorite comedian was Jester Seinfeld. And, uh, he was like, you know, that's a bit of a stretch, should I say. Uh, yeah. I said that already.

I have a good one. Pete, son of David. Pete Davidson.

No, we got it. No, we got it.

I really wanted to say that wasn't good, but that was fucking good.

Oh, Jupiter, Jupiter, goodbye. Goodbye. Fuck you.

I feel like Colin Jouts should have gotten bigger, Pop.

Fuck.

So the Lord of Beeps is alive. That's what we're taking from there. He's back.

He's back! Fuck you Jupiter, goodbye!

Scruff, get us to an Applebee's! Oh, the Lord of Beeps is a noble man keeping order from chaos throughout the land with the guiding light of his gentle hand keeps the worst of us at bay. He knows of the demons we keep there in, and he purges the words that are worse than sins. And we wrote this course to honor him full of words that we can't say. So will Joseph, in the church, with a... in a tentacle.

So will their men, and their... in the leftist community. So will... I mean what the fuck. I mean fuck. I can fucking swear. Oh mother of god kiss on the cross what the fuck is.

Sarah Silvermaker. Oh, Sarah Silversmith.

Sarah Silver... All I could think about was Zach Gallifanapkin. And I was like, that's literally not even anything.

That's not what the game is.

That's it.

In the episode of Zach Gallifanapkin. Hey there Marx and Rex. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. The Clue Crew gives you some of our best recommendations. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.