Which Riddle Riddle?

#247: Hollywood Hot Takes w/ Michael Hitchcock

00:00:01

???

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Michael

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice.

JPC

Oh, the finger go fish.

???

It was the cabbage of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream. And the horse came riding.

Adal

Hey, Erin, J.P.C., can you see me? Hello? I'm on Zoom here? Hello?

JPC

Oh, do we have to? Erin, what's the protocol here? Do we know?

Adal

Do you have... I can hear you. Do you have to see me?

JPC

You can hear us.

Erin

I'm gonna touch on it like it's a fish tank.

Adal

Erin, it's not a... Okay, stop. Please stop.

JPC

Fish, famously, like what Erin's doing.

Adal

Yeah. That can't be right. Hello! That can not be right. I've seen her kicked out of so many aquariums. Listen, guys, I'm back in Chicago on Zoom. You know how we're recording in L.A. today with some special guest?

00:01:07

???

Yep.

Adal

With some special guest. I don't want to say his name because here's what happened. No, because Christopher Guest. Yeah, because I was there in the studio with you guys. I tested for COVID, tested positive, immediately left and flew home to Chicago. But it was what Michael Hitchcock said to me. He said, you have COVID? And I was so... It felt so unprofessional that he said that to me. It felt so rude. And I didn't want to let him... I just kind of smiled and went, uh-huh, and walked away because I had to.

Erin

He was speaking truth to power though.

JPC

Yeah, because what you had said to him was, I have COVID.

Adal

Well, yeah, but it's the way he said it back. It's the way he said it back. Like he was trying to understand or be empathetic. And I said, no, no, no.

JPC

Isn't that funny how sometimes it's the way that it's said back to us? I go to a restaurant and say, hey, I actually need a table for four. I get that I'm being an asshole. And then they say, you're being an asshole. I go, I'm being what? I hear it back and I say, huh?

00:02:13

Erin

Huh? Yeah. We've all been there.

Adal

Yeah. That's like the end of flights when Gemma's working on, you know, on her airplane. She has an airplane and she's walking down the aisle at the end of a flight and she goes, trash, trash. And then they say back to her, trash. She takes it personal. Yeah. Yeah. They're calling her trash. They're calling her trash. And she's not.

Erin

Adal, so what I'm hearing from you is that this is our first episode ever that we are having to record.

Adal

Okay.

Erin

Without the creator, the glue, the god of Hey Riddle Riddle, that is Adal Rifai. This whole episode is going to be no Adal.

Adal

Unless there's some way to put this audio in front of the episode.

???

We could try. We could try, Adal, but we don't know if it could be done. I'm freaking out. Casey doesn't even... I don't even know how time works anymore. Are you serious?

JPC

Oh my God. Casey's saying that we can't do that because we would have had to record this before we recorded the episode, but we wouldn't have known about this at that time. And I guess what Casey says in an editing term, there's no gozies, backsies. So I guess we can't.

00:03:19

Erin

Okay, what does Adal do on the podcast? She does puns.

Adal

My COVID's getting really loud over... My COVID is... I can't, although his COVID's going through a tunnel.

Erin

Oh no, don't!

Adal

He's going through a tunnel with his COVID.

Erin

Ugh, well, JPC.

JPC

Mask on in the tunnel! Mask on in the tunnel! That's indoors! Technically!

Erin

Hey, JPC, I don't think we've ever talked just us before.

JPC

Yeah, I hate it. I actually don't really want to talk just us. I hate this.

Erin

Just cut to the gas. Gas, gas, we need a third.

JPC

Should I co-host? No, we don't need you, gloof. Come on, give me a chance. Gloof, get out of here.

Erin

You can't just introduce Gloof in an episode where we have to say bye to him right away. Come on.

???

Hey everybody, it's Gloof in the house. Hey everybody, everybody's favorite mouse. It's Gloof the mouse. Honky honk. I have to make Gloof the mouse merch.

JPC

Honky tonk. Michael, I'm so sorry about Gloof. I'm so sorry. Gloof is leaving, Michael. No, you're staying. Gloof is leaving.

???

Goodbye.

JPC

Is it something I said? Honestly, it could have been.

00:04:25

Erin

I'm a little nervous because Adal is the glue, but we'll see how this goes.

Michael

Well, you can be the nails and the scotch tape.

Erin

That's a very good point. That's how you build a podcast.

JPC

Nails and scotch tape. Sorry about whatever that blow up with Adal was. We'll record it later, so we'll figure it out. But our guest today, coming back, our second time guest.

Michael

This is exciting. When was I here the last time? It was 2000...

???

It was 2002.

Erin

It was 2002.

Michael

It was 2002. Michael Hitchcock. Michael, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for having me back. And the reason I'm back is because I begged to come back.

JPC

That's true. No, it is true. It is true.

Michael

And let that be a lesson to any guest of the show.

JPC

Ask us on Instagram if you can come back and you can come back.

Michael

Ask Adal if you can come back and then Adal leaves.

JPC

Yeah. That's how it works. I also think I was, I think since we're recording in studio at the lovely, on location at the lovely Headgum Studios in sunny Los Angeles, California.

Michael

The first great day we've had in about seven months. Is this a great day? Yeah, this is a typical LA day except for this year.

00:05:29

Erin

Yeah.

Michael

Where it's done nothing but rain and be awful.

Erin

And I'm a weather witch and I love the rain. I'm a little bit sad today. I'm on the reverse schedule.

JPC

I think, Michael, you are probably the guest that we've had in the studio the most. Yeah. Because the last time we were in LA, we were in the studio with you. Was it pre-COVID? I don't remember. No. No.

Michael

It was last year? I think it was last year, right?

Erin

Last spring, I think.

Michael

It seems longer than that, but...

Erin

You were a very popular guest. People freaked out.

Michael

Well, I'm sure I was.

JPC

All right, dear listeners, what do we call our listeners? Future Lizards? We call them Future Lizards at one point. You let us know. Tag us with when the let us know. Kevin's in Susie's riddle head. I mean, I could have looked it up before I came here, but I just, I forgot. We could have, but we have a no cell phones policy in the studio except me.

Erin

Except JPC.

JPC

Yeah. Cause I gotta, I'm going to be texting people.

Erin

Yeah. He's playing Candy Crush. I can see it very clearly on his phone. Oh no.

Michael

I'm getting really good at it. That's not right. I'm on Tinder. Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right.

00:06:31

JPC

I would love nothing more than to invite you to the studio. You're just on Tinder the entire time.

Michael

Somebody please love me. Just one. Just one. I have very low standards these days. It doesn't even matter if they drive anymore. I'll pick you up.

Erin

I love that you were also just swiping right so much you didn't even look at the pictures you were just like yep yep oh yeah yeah yeah if they're alive and within 75 miles sold.

JPC

I'm happily married now so my Tinder days are over but there was a time when in between when I met my wife and when I was like still like on the apps that I was already dating a person I just took my Tinder profile and I switched it to just be plugs for my comedy shows I built a profile that was like, hey, I do improv comedy in Chicago. And there's nothing sexier than that. I was like, I'm in a new relationship. I don't want to date you. I'm not even looking for a third. What I am here to tell you is I can get you comps to a really great first date spot. That's a great idea. It's low pressure for a first date. You don't have to talk because you're watching a show. There's a cool bar that you can hang out later. And if you hate your date and you like me, Do not come and talk to me. I don't ever want to meet you. But message me if you want comps. And then I would just swipe right on everyone.

00:07:56

Erin

Did anyone ever take you up on it?

JPC

I did. I gave away to two different people, I gave away two comps to them. They were like, I'll take some comps. And I think what it was was they were not people who didn't know what improv was. I think that they were like people who were familiar with improv anyway. They were like, that actually is a pretty good first date spot.

Michael

I don't know. I don't know if I would ever get a date after doing improv or sketch because you're either dressed like Colonel Sanders or... That's for improv. That's for improv, because I have all my wigs and things. Yeah, no, and then, oh yeah, or you're like a talking frog or something. You're like, oh, no thanks.

Erin

Yeah, that's too vulnerable. You have to be dating me eight months before you even know I've ever done improv.

JPC

That's so interesting too, because I don't know, I guess I just have no shame about it, or no shame in general.

Michael

I seldom invite my friends to improv, because I just think if I blow it, I don't want all my friends seeing that.

JPC

I told my current therapist, I was like, if you ever want to get it, you know, if you want to come to a show, you know, just let me know.

00:08:58

Erin

It's like, you can, you could have- And she was like, please stop calling me this late at night.

Michael

I have a friend who was- That's her time? I have a friend who did therapy and he really liked the therapist. And then he went somewhere in Orange County, which isn't that far if you don't live in LA. It's, you know, I don't know, 45 minutes away. Sure. To our little community theater. And there his therapist was in a chorus line.

???

I would have died.

Michael

He said he went back and like, oh, I, I saw you this week. Wow. Yes. Why didn't know you were pursuing acting? Yes, I am. Okay. I had to get rid of them.

Erin

You couldn't have written a funnier show.

JPC

There's a thing with I think with most therapists that are like, if they see you in public, they won't come up to you. They will pretend like they don't know you, but if you come up to them, then they'll like say hello, but they won't necessarily say that you like, but if I ever saw my therapist in public, I'd be like, guys, this is my therapist.

00:10:00

Michael

You've got to be my therapist.

JPC

You're the only one I know who would do that. But that's great. Yeah, I also do think that people would be like, look at me and then look at my therapist and be like, how good could she be? Like, she's probably not that great.

Erin

I'd be like, well, the proof is in the pudding.

JPC

If he's introducing me to the therapist, she's not very good. She's obviously got a lot of work to do.

Michael

Well, in LA too, which is weird, and Erin, I don't know if you noticed this and I don't know if you're in therapy or not, but I am. And if you could try to find a therapist A lot of them, I would say 50% of them at least, used to be actors. So this is their second or third career.

JPC

That makes sense, yes.

Michael

Which could be good because they understand the business, or it could be bad because they're jealous and seething that they're still not in the business. So it's, it's weird. It's just, but it's, it's not nothing bad about it. It's just the fact of life. So if you're an actor, you can always be a therapist.

00:11:02

Erin

I think too, I have a new standard for a therapist is I'm going to go like, were you ever in a chorus line? Can I go see you at a chorus line? Then I don't want to.

Michael

I don't want this. If you're not in a chorus line, no thanks.

JPC

Yeah, so this is the part of the show where we just recommend get to know your therapist. You probably go in there and you talk all about yourself. That's actually the bullshit.

Michael

Do you want to do a little improv scene for me about a patient and a therapist? I would love to.

JPC

Yes.

Michael

The client. I would love to.

JPC

Do you want to be the therapist or the patient?

???

You pick.

JPC

Wow. Of course, I want to be the patient.

Erin

Oh, great. Okay. All right, come on in. Sorry for the delay. My last patient moment.

JPC

That's no worries. You have a beautiful waiting room.

Erin

Hey Riddle Riddle.

00:12:06

JPC

Well, number one with a bullet, I do not want to like fuck my mom or my dad or any of that stuff. So that's not why I'm here. I know a lot of people come to therapy because of that, but it's not.

Erin

I would say not a lot of people got a good looking mom and dad. Okay. You don't have to defend.

JPC

They had me young, so they're still looking nice.

Erin

So you want to fuck your mom and dad?

JPC

No, neither one of them.

Erin

Neither one of them.

Michael

Sorry, Dr. Spivey, I just wanted to drop off your Rum Tum Tigger outfit.

Erin

Oh, thank you so much.

Michael

Sorry to interrupt. I've got to get back to fucking my mom. Bye.

JPC

Oh my god, that's from Cats, right?

Erin

Sorry, I can't really talk about... my stuff. I mean, I'm here to talk about you.

JPC

You're wearing full cat's makeup.

Erin

Yes. I just, so my call time is at seven. Okay.

JPC

That's like 12 hours from now.

Erin

Yeah, but it takes me like seven hours to get into character. Rum Tum Tugger is a very sexual cat and so I just sort

JPC

Oh yeah, my mom and dad did a production of Cats where they switched off every night, run-thumb-tugger.

00:13:10

Erin

Let's talk about your parents.

JPC

Did you talk about, did you bring them up or whatever?

Erin

You know the cat costume while we really start the therapy session.

JPC

No, you're right. Yeah, you're right.

Erin

You're right. Here's what's gonna happen.

JPC

I'm gonna take my pants off. No?

Erin

No. You're right.

Michael

That scene. Good for you.

Erin

Thank you so much for calling and seeing my dream.

Michael

Yeah, well, I've been in therapy for like eight years, so I was using everything I knew from all those therapy sessions.

JPC

Just mom and dad, mom and dad, mom and dad, mom and dad, mom and dad.

Erin

I had a game night recently with friend of the show, Anthony Birch.

JPC

Okay. And we... I guess my invite got lost in the fucking mail.

Erin

You don't live in the same city as me. That makes sense. And for a big chunk of the game night, I insisted we listen to the soundtrack for Cats. Oh. I thought it would make our... Which one?

Michael

The movie version or the Broadway?

Erin

I think the Broadway version.

Michael

Oh, I haven't seen the movie version yet and I have it ready to go. It's all queued up.

Erin

It's still, it's like paused at the beginning.

Michael

I know that it's going to be a thing and I have to eat it out. It's a pause, just ready, ding.

Erin

I cannot recommend it enough.

00:14:11

Michael

Everyone says that.

JPC

I would love to just go over to someone's house and just be like casually talking and then look at their TV and the beginning of Cats is just pause.

Michael

But the play itself is so weird and I just did not care for it at all. So thinking of having to watch it again, even knowing that it's supposed to be so deliciously terrible. But I don't know. It makes no sense.

Erin

It is really haunting.

JPC

Oh, the movie. I had a cousin growing up who was really into cats and my grandpa took her to see cats when they came to town. I'm from Indiana. And so there's like, you know, the touring whatever came to town and she dressed up in full cat makeup and costume. But also they had aisle seats. And she said that the other actors, the other actors, they were like coming down the aisles doing dances with like do like double takes to be like, is one of us hurt? Like why is one of us sitting down? And my grandpa said he was like very embarrassed, but my cousin had a fantastic time. I bet.

Michael

It's like audience participation. They didn't know it.

Erin

They're just dancing, panicking. If there's any cats in the audience, come on up! My favorite thing ever is watching someone having to try to describe the plot of Cats to someone who has no interest in musical theater. So there's a bunch of cats, and they're actually getting ready for the Jellicle Ball.

00:15:26

Michael

Yeah, and then you have to go, what's that? And you go like, we don't know what that is. Then there's the old one that no one likes, and she was like an old hooker, and crazy.

Erin

And then she sings Memory. And then there's an old actor cat.

Michael

Yeah, and then doesn't the old cooker go up in the, doesn't, that's the one that gets to go up in the spaceship at the end?

Erin

No, that's the, that's the prostitute cat.

Michael

Well that's what I'm talking about, the old hooker cat.

Erin

Oh yeah, she the hooker cat.

Michael

Yeah, and then Memories, but that's a good song, but you have to wait a long time for them to sing that.

Erin

You have to sift through a lot of stuff.

Michael

A lot of stuff.

JPC

It really is something else. Or you can just go to a Trump rally and you're guaranteed to hear it, because apparently that's one of his favorite really, Memories. He's ruined every other song. He ruined Glory Out, which I love that song, and he kind of ruined it. Okay, you know what? Legally, we have to do riddles. I just remember that I'm holding my phone and looking at riddles to do riddles.

Erin

I'd rather this be a Cats podcast.

JPC

This is the best part. This is a Cats rewatch podcast that Michael has not watched.

Erin

Every week we rewatch Cats. I actually would do that for a year.

JPC

I got so excited. I got so excited. Okay, well, we've been doing this show for five years. Maybe year six, we just do a cancer watch podcast instead.

00:16:34

Michael

There probably is one somewhere. I mean, come on.

Erin

Of course. I've told this story on the show before, but when I saw it in theaters, we went with our friend Becca Barish. She went around to every single person who was already in the theater and was like, you're here as a joke, right? We're all here as a joke. And there was one guy who was there alone and we watched him go, yeah. Yeah.

???

Yeah.

Erin

I was like, that man was not.

JPC

Yeah. Here's a big joke.

Michael

I went alone to a production of something, but I'll tell you after the riddle.

JPC

Okay. Great. Great. Because it might fit into the riddle. We don't know. Yeah. Here's your riddle. And this one is coming from, let's see, do I have, okay. I don't have permission. I'm going to say Matt. This one's coming from Matt. Matt says, love the show. Here's a riddle I like.

???

Oh, okay.

JPC

Not love. Not love. So that's very low stakes for Matt. We're a rock group with four members. We're all dead now. Three of us died of old age and the other one was shot and died from that. Who are we? Rock group. Four members. A rock group. Three died of old age, one was shot.

00:17:37

Erin

Not the Beatles, because two of them are still alive.

JPC

Erin, can you name the two remaining Beatles? Oh, was it Abe Lincoln and the Top Hats?

???

Abe Lincoln and the Top Hats.

JPC

Honestly, that is very close to the answer. Really?

Erin

You're totally on the right track. You got us the answer. It's Mount Rushmore. For a rock group.

JPC

It is Mount Rushmore. It is Mount Rushmore. That's so funny. That's why we like riddles. To say Abe Lincoln in the top hats because that was legit. You got it. The answer.

Erin

Oh my god.

JPC

Ooh, that's exciting.

Erin

You're way smarter than Adal. We don't need him anymore.

JPC

We don't need him anymore. Now, Michael, I have to ask. Yeah. Does that tie into the story you were going to tell about the production of something that you saw on load?

Michael

Could it? Yes, it could. It's slightly. Because obviously Mount Rushmore is very patriotic. And there was a patriotic part in the show. No one would go with me when I was in Vegas. I went and saw Donnie Marie Osman. No one would go with me, but I wanted to go so bad, so I did. And, you know, you pay for the tickets and they're not cheap because it's Vegas. And I didn't get in, I didn't get comped or anything. You know, I didn't, I'm not a high roller.

00:18:51

JPC

Come on, what the fuck? You're not going to comp Michael Hitchcock? What's going on?

Michael

But no, no, it's, it's. You got a bunch of normies going to see this show.

Erin

That's like the best game of Mad Libs ever. Michael Hitchcock goes to sea.

Michael

So, dimery. First of all, they sat me at a table with a family celebrating their grandfather's 90th birthday. So it was me and a family that I didn't know, and they didn't know me, and they're like, why are you with us? And I'm like, I don't know why I'm with you. I just am. That's where they sat me. And then Donnie Marie, they put on a good show, but it's sort of like their old variety show from the 70s, but it's updated. So it's like, hey, Marie, one of us won Dancing with the Stars. The other came in second. Oh, Donnie. So they've updated it a bit. And then at one point they go, oh, Marie, did you know we won the best show in Vegas? Did we? We sure did. And I was just thinking, I mean, you put on a fine show, but Who voted you the best show in Vegas? There's like Cirque du Soleil and all these crazy big shows and you know. And who's voting? It's all touring.

00:19:57

JPC

It's all out of town people.

Michael

How are they collecting? But they put on a good show.

Erin

I actually would spend $700 on that.

Michael

That sounds like heaven to me. And then the patriotic part is at some point they make everyone who's ever served our country stand up and then we applaud them. I don't think they sing them a song. This is your birthday song. It isn't very long. They kind of do all of that. It's to make the show as long as they need to make it. Oh, they do birthdays. They did who served in the... I'm writing this down.

JPC

Birthdays. Who served. We're going to try to stretch out this show.

Michael

And they sing all their hits.

Erin

I'm so jealous. Did he sing anything from Joseph in the Amazing Text?

Michael

He did. Wow. I would have died. He did sing something from Josh.

Erin

I loved the movie version of that. I mean, it's one of my favorite shows.

Michael

It sounds like Erin would have loved this show.

Erin

I would have loved this show. You didn't mean to go away with it.

Michael

Oh, believe me, I got my money's worth.

Erin

I loved it.

Michael

I enjoyed every bit of it.

Erin

My boyfriend's mom is obsessed with that show too. And when he was touring it, his dad bought his mom tickets and then they showed up and he was sick. And she was like inconsolable and devastated. And so they went back. Did a whole to-do, showed up again, and he was sick again.

00:21:08

???

Oh no.

Erin

And she's so sensitive about it. We can't even, like, work it up.

???

It's so sweet. She doesn't even want to talk about it. Oh, it's so neat.

Michael

Well, he had to get, I read his biography, believe it or not. Naturally. And because I read all, I read every celebrity biography.

JPC

Yeah, that's why.

Michael

But he said during Joseph. There isn't a pile of my other biographies. I'm just going to read it anyway. I've got to put down those for Donny. He got where he would get the weird thing where he thought he was just gonna lose like he's what do you call it when you not stage fright but when you just go blank like he was so worried of that happening that he had to have intense therapy because he was so afraid that he was just gonna blank out on stage. And that happens apparently a lot with people that are in long-running shows.

JPC

Oh, yeah, absolutely. The muscle memory just takes over. Has anyone ever experienced a thing where like someone asks you your phone number or your address and you're like, I don't know. I couldn't possibly tell you what it was.

Michael

Well, way back in the day, I was a Universal Studios tour guide and I did it so much that you'd say something like, we're coming in to Six Points, Texas or whatever and we were nowhere near it because I wasn't comprehending where we really were. You just do it so much by rote and then you'd have to

00:22:25

JPC

The other week I was printing something off but my wife was in a meeting and the printer's in her office and I went off to do something else and then she was like, hey I'm done with my meeting, what did you need? And I go, oh can you just print something off on my computer? She walked over to my computer and she goes, what's your passcode? And I go, I don't know. Oh, I don't know. I have to come to my computer to know my passcode. Yeah. I came back to my computer and I couldn't get it. And I said, uh-oh.

???

Oh no.

JPC

I go, this isn't something I have written down somewhere. So because it was like digits, like just multiple digits and muscle memory. And so I had to like go through the process of resetting it to my email, resetting the password. I was like, here's a question you can never ask me again. What's your passcode? Because not only will I not be able to answer you, it will be deleted from my brain. It's like a security measure. What's your bank pass going? It's like, it's gone now buddy. It changes every 45 seconds.

Michael

We all need to write it down and put it somewhere somewhere, but I don't do that either. I wouldn't.

Erin

I would like to see a scene before we move on. You two are in a Vegas style show and I just want to see your banter.

00:23:34

Michael

We're in the show.

Erin

This is like your opening banter in your Vegas show.

Michael

Welcome high rollers and those of you who just walked in. You sir, you're definitely a walk-in. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding and enjoy the crab. We're Pepper and Spice. We do a little bit of magic and we also have monkeys.

JPC

And the monkeys do not do magic and do not touch the monkeys. You, sir. I know I'm going to the same guy a lot. I apologize. There's only a few people here. You, sir. Don't touch the monkeys. This guy looks like he already did. Again, same guy.

Michael

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir. We enjoy our crowds. We're so glad you're with us. You could be doing so many things in Vegas, but you're spending time with us.

JPC

And there are slot machines at the table. And the noise does not bother us. Pepper and I are accomplished magicians and accomplished crowdsmen. And so all the jingling and jingling. So you're really, you're playing a lot of slots, huh?

00:24:38

Michael

A lot of slots. Are they loose tonight? Do they have loose slots? Sir, the slot's loose.

JPC

What? Okay, now I'm looking, looking deeper into the crowd. You have a, it looks like you have a broom and you do work here. So you're here to sweep.

???

Yeah.

Michael

Anybody come from far away. Okay. No. Guy in the back, you might be misunderstanding the question. We just want to know. How about birthdays? Anyone celebrating a birth- Someone must have anyone from the month of January to June. First six months of the year.

JPC

No birthdays in the first six months of the year.

Michael

Anybody serve in our military.

???

Is this the Celine Dion show?

JPC

It will be. We're the opening act. Did anyone serve in any military? Any ISIS spiders in the crowd? Oh, there's one. There's one.

Erin

Okay, well- My birthdays in July.

JPC

Okay, the Isis fighter. Oh, let's talk to the birthday person. No, yeah, why don't we skip you? Yeah, that's a rough crowd tonight.

Michael

Well, now we're at the part of the show, which we enjoy the most, where we talk about parts of the play cats.

00:25:42

JPC

Yes, so if you're not familiar with Pepper and Spice's Cats Recap podcast, it's because we haven't recorded it yet, but we're so close. We're going to.

Michael

We're so close.

Erin

Where are the monkeys?

Michael

Well, the monkeys, they're still backstage. They've been bad. Yeah, they're right behind. You know what? I'm looking back behind the curtain. They are not there.

JPC

Does everybody go ahead and tuck your pants into your socks?

Michael

Hey, I have a riddle. I brought one in. Don't you like to hear it? Yeah. For us? I brought, this is a riddle for you. Oh my God. Because we're on Hey Riddle Live. Wow, you did bring it.

???

This is crazy. I did.

Michael

Okay, here we go. Are you ready?

Erin

I'm ready, yes. I'm scared.

Michael

It's a poem.

Erin

Oh my God.

Michael

When we're here, the people rise. We've been gaslit and sold pies. We've never been to Mars, but we've sung in castles and bars. And this isn't much, it's not a lot, but we've shucked the husks and gone to pot. We've been in endless clips and seen people killed. We've seen our daughters strip, and we've also been thrilled. Who are we? People.

00:26:48

JPC

I wanted to say Olive Garden because I stopped listening after the very first. Wow. I hope the audience didn't stop listening. No, no, no. My gut first response legitimately is like movie theater popcorn.

Erin

Ooh, I love that.

Michael

You're on the right track. Okay. Okay.

Erin

A camera.

Michael

Well, let's say that we is not an inanimate object.

Erin

Okay, okay.

Michael

Okay, so it's a group of people.

Erin

Is this like a... Perverts?

JPC

Well, you know what?

Michael

As everyone is probably in their own mind at home, they've guessed. Let me just tell you the answer, because we'll be here all day. Okay. Yeah, that's right. We are the characters of Angela Lansbury. So she's been gaslit because she was in Gaslight, a movie. She sold pies in Sweetie Todd. She's been in castles way back in the day for Beauty and the Beast. And she's sung in bars in the Harvey Girls. She probably did a guest spot on Castle too.

00:27:48

JPC

They were throwing that out.

Michael

And then, yeah, she saw a lot of people get killed on Murder, She Wrote. She saw her daughter strip when she played in Gypsy.

Erin

So how about that? Oh my gosh.

Michael

You're welcome, America.

Erin

I've been so starved for Angela Lansbury content that my brain couldn't have even hoped or wished for that. These two dum-dums haven't brought up Angela Lansbury. Not once on this show.

Michael

Not once.

JPC

Well, you're going to get it when I come here. Was that an original? I made it up today. I love it. Yeah, thank you Wikipedia. And thank you for doing more work on the show than we've ever done. That's pretty cool.

Erin

I got to be an audience member for the day for the ABC Beauty and the Beast. My friend Michael worked on it and he was like, did you want to go? And I was like, I will quit everything. It was so fun.

JPC

Hey, speaking of quitting everything and having fun, we have to take a break.

Erin

But wait, let me finish my story. About Angela Lansbury, because it won't make sense after the break.

JPC

I kind of want to make it go after the break. Okay, fine. You can finish your story.

00:28:51

Erin

So, the day I went, Shania Twain, who was playing Mrs. Potts, sang with Alan Menken, which is amazing, the Beauty and the Beast song. And at the end of it, because Angela Lansbury recently passed away, a photo of her came up behind him. And I watched Alan Menken. On purpose? They did it to fuck with them. No, and Alan Menken played, and this wasn't even for the cameras, so Alan Menken's playing piano and he looks up and he sees the photo and then I saw him start to cry and then he held his heart.

JPC

He hated her. He was crying because he survived.

Erin

Yeah, he was like, yes, I outlived her. PTSD. Them having a tiff would be very funny. Speaking of having a tiff. But it was like the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

JPC

Yes, you could go on your break. I'm trying to do my segues, Erin. I'm trying, okay, but now we're having a tiff. I'm very brave.

Erin

Oh, great. I hope you die before me.

JPC

We'll be right back after this brief tiff.

00:29:55

Erin

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

Adal

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

JPC

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Erin

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

JPC

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

Erin

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

00:31:15

Adal

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

JPC

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Erin

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

JPC

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run.

???

Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Adal

Is that DaVinci?

???

Yeah. Yes.

00:32:15

Adal

And bye.

JPC

Okay. Erin, are we good? Yes. Wow. That is not a... I said yes. That is a yes that reads no to me. Or maybe I'm just pushing the yes until it becomes a no.

Erin

And anyone's wondering what would happen to me and JPC without Adal exists. So contentious.

JPC

And I'm assuming that we could edit out all these little slaps of us.

Erin

No, keep them in.

JPC

Casey, keep them in. Okay, here's your next riddle. This riddle is from, let's see, Andy. This riddle's from Andy. Andy. Oh, he gives the best riddles.

Erin

Oh, I love it.

JPC

Andy's riddles are some of the best. Although I don't like this one.

Michael

Oh, Andy. Oh, okay.

JPC

I hope he's not listening. Here's the thing. This was from 2018, so Andy is probably the president of some other country at this point. Andy says, maybe I just don't understand it. I had trouble with this one. Well then why are we doing it? It seems like a horrible waste of time.

00:33:16

Erin

We get hundreds of riddles and emails. Why this one?

JPC

Look, Andy probably doesn't have a lot going on. Andy really wants the riddle to be read.

Erin

Andy was president of another country by now.

JPC

Yeah, but it's not a good country. Oh, okay. Like France or something. Yeah. Andy McCrull. But this is one that I've never heard before. So it's like, oh, you know, we've done so many riddles that even if I don't like it, you know. Heard. And you know what? I'm not the arbiter of good taste. I'm one of the stupidest fucking guys I know. Thank you for your self-awareness. So, maybe everyone loves this riddle and I'm wrong. We'll be the judge. There are four in total. There will never be war in just one. There will never be peace in just three. What are they?

Michael

There will never be war in just one.

JPC

Yeah, there are four in total. Never be war in just one. Never be peace in just three. We're in Headgum Studio and I can see producer Rochelle. Hello.

Michael

Everyone's racking their brains.

JPC

If you know it, don't even wait. You just pop right in. If ever you know one of these riddles, you don't have to. It's hell. It's hell. Is it like the 20th century?

00:34:35

Erin

Is it like a letter thing or a wording thing?

Michael

Is it like kind of a word? Yeah words have something to do with it I'll say.

Erin

But you know like sometimes it's like a letter.

Michael

No, it's not like a letter. It's not like a letter or a word. Sometimes you think that the characters of Angela Lansbury is our popcorn.

Erin

Murder she wrote person?

Michael

No, I was not. No, I watched it here and there. I did a sketch about Murder Shrew Up forever and ever and ever, but yeah.

JPC

I never watched it. I don't think... Did we do it for a review crew?

Erin

Yeah, we did the pilot. I'm a Columbo person. I love Angeles.

Michael

I do know that. We have to get back to you, Riddle. No. First of all, it's Angeles Riddle.

JPC

Don't put this equal on me.

Michael

When I was a tour guide, I was telling about Universal. When we would go by Jaws Lake, everybody sort of knows where Jaws Lake is if you've ever been on the Universal Tour. They used some of the background buildings as a very short portion of the opening credits when she's riding her bicycle. You know, it was part of Cabot Cove for two seconds. But anyway, while we were stuck there, and you'd have to point that out, and of course, Jaws and all that, someone one time took a poop in the very last car of the tram.

00:35:50

Erin

Oh no.

Michael

Yeah, they didn't care for that part of the tour.

JPC

You as a tour guide, it was like, that's part of it.

Michael

Yeah, it's very weird.

JPC

It's from the part where E.T. poops. Nobody remembers it, but it's part of it.

Michael

Yeah, some strange things would happen on the tour from time to time.

JPC

That was one of them. I do think I want to see a scene, Erin.

Erin

That inspired you?

JPC

Yeah, it did inspire me, the poop thing. No, Michael and I are going to be, you're going to be a universal tour guide, and you're going to be giving the universal tour. It's your first week on the job, and we're old heads. We take this tour all the time, so we might call out things that we see that are inaccurate.

Michael

You're going to correct her?

JPC

Which did happen.

Erin

As we go down this hill, you'll see movie posters from our very long history of making movies. We've been a movie studio for... Name three, Robin. Um, so you've seen my name tag. My name is Robin.

JPC

Um, lucky guess. We actually can't see that far. You just look like a Robin. You definitely have Robin energy.

Erin

Uh, well, Robin with a Y. Pitch perfect. My favorite.

00:36:51

Michael

Boo. That wasn't a universal film.

Erin

Oh, okay. Um, Psycho.

Michael

Okay. You got that one, right?

Erin

And Jaws.

JPC

Well, okay. Two out of three ain't bad. Not bad, not bad, but we are actually just looking at the movie posters.

Erin

Uh, show of hands, who your loves will and grace?

Michael

Um, I don't really care for it.

Erin

Okay, well two are left as the studio. Ask if we love Karen. Karen? From Will & Grace? Do you love Karen from Will & Grace?

JPC

Oh Megan Mullally. Yeah Megan Mullally. I should have said Megan Mullally. She obviously doesn't watch Will & Grace. We were big Karen fans.

Erin

Oh well great. Her parking spot is right here.

Michael

Well that's weird because it was shot at CBS Radford which is nowhere near universal. She really had to walk a long way.

JPC

But you know what? It doesn't make sense because she does look good. So it seems like maybe she does walk a lot.

Erin

Look at the ways. Oh no we're coming upon the Bates Motel. Okay.

Michael

Who was the star of the Bates Motel? Who was the guy? Who was Norman Bates?

00:37:53

Erin

In the show or the psycho?

Michael

In the movie, Robin.

Erin

What is that guy's name?

Michael

Anthony Perkins.

Erin

Sorry, this is my first week.

Michael

Yeah, well it shows. Boy, you paid a lot of money to come here. And we will be asking for some of it back. We certainly will.

Erin

Are you Pepper and Spice?

Michael

We certainly are.

JPC

We certainly are.

Michael

Here's our monkeys, attack!

JPC

We were just playing pepper and spice.

Erin

I have done that tour a good amount of times. I did know way too much. That part where the flood, they can make it flood is very, that's my favorite part of the tour. Do you know?

Michael

Yeah, sure, I know. I've never taken the tour.

JPC

The Flash Flood.

???

Should we go? Should we go after this?

JPC

It's fun. You get a Jurassic Park. They have a lot of good things. We have the rest of the afternoon free since Adal bailed on us.

Erin

JPC, I would love to take you to Universal Studios. What is funnier? I don't know why we're doing this for Universal.

Michael

They should be paying for it.

Erin

Hey, maybe they will. Maybe they'll hear this and say...

00:38:58

JPC

One of the fat cats over there were like, do we do retroactive ads? Let's give people some money. They did a really good job.

Erin

Super Mario World is open over there now.

JPC

I think more brands should listen to our show and pay us retroactively for ads that we do organically on the show.

Erin

Nike, McDonald, Apple, what else guys?

JPC

All of it. Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. Angela Lansbury. You have some hints here. You have some hints for this riddle that we're still doing. Oh yeah. This is Andy's riddle. A one. So here's some question and answer hints. So question, there will never be war in just one or any one. Peace in three or any three. I know that these can be tricky. So it's any one. They're not numbered. So there's no like number one, two, three, and four. It's like there will be never be war in just one, but it's not like number one. Does that, does that make sense? Okay. And then your other question and answer is, are there meaningful differences between the four and yes, but it's not really relevant to the riddle, like the four or the four?

Michael

Well, I'm with you. I don't think this is Andy's best riddle.

00:39:59

Erin

No.

JPC

The thing is.

Erin

Can you give us a hint though?

JPC

It could be Andy's best riddle. We don't know. This is the only one that I have from Andy.

Erin

So you give us a good hint.

JPC

Okay. Let's see. Well, but I already said that I kind of don't get it, but

Erin

What are you doing here, man?

JPC

Here's what I'll say. Instead of giving you a hint, let me give you the answer and then you can try to help me explain if this makes sense. Okay, fair enough. We're working backwards here. Alright, we're a little tops of the turf here. So the answer is... hemispheres.

Michael

Hemispheres?

JPC

But my question is... That sucks. Couldn't there be a war in just one hemisphere? Or is Andy saying that there's so much war in the world that there will never just be war in one hemisphere?

Michael

I think Andy was

00:41:02

JPC

Clue- or queuing into the fact that we're not big thinkers on this show and they were just really trying to provide us with something to think about. Right. Yeah.

Erin

I would like to see a scene. Sure. JBC, you are the leader of a country that is going to war and you're calling your other country friends to try to join you in the war. You want them to hop on.

JPC

Okay. Okay. First, first up, number one with a bullet. Got a call. The United States of America. They got the big guns. Let's go.

Michael

Hello United States of America.

JPC

Hey buddy. Hey, I don't know if you read the papers, but we have a little bit of a war going on.

Michael

Oh, I wish we could help, but we're not in the right hemisphere.

JPC

Okay. No, no, no. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. Sorry about that. And I actually don't, and what, you know what? What about just like a billion dollars? I know. What? Slice off like a billion dollars? Slice off a billion dollars? Yeah, come on. I mean, you can, let's be honest, you can afford it.

Michael

I'm not quite sure what we're slicing it up. Give me a little more. Little more sugar.

00:42:04

JPC

Okay, obviously my country has a lot of natural resources.

Michael

What's the name of your country? You didn't, you just started talking.

JPC

Well, so yeah, I apologize. It's currently a civil war, so we don't really have the name exactly 100% today. Oh, what you will be once. But what we will be, and fingers crossed, fingers crossed it's going to be Bretzylvania, obviously. Oh, I like that. Right, so it's like... Yeah, the cabinet is still kicking around names, but Bretzylvania is kind of the number one in charge if we can pull this off.

Michael

Well, we're having kind of the same problem over here. We might have what we call a national divorce. And our states, I think, are going to be called Marjorie Taylor Greenland when it's over.

JPC

Yeah, you know what? That's totally cool. I got you at a bad time. I'll let you go.

Michael

Yeah, it's been a bad time for several years.

JPC

I got a lot of calls to make. I got a lot of calls to make. Okay. Okay. That's okay.

Michael

Bye. Yeah.

JPC

Nobody says bye anymore. I heard that. Okay. Sorry. Bye. Bye all the time. Hang this up. I wish I had more people in the office. All right. France. France is up next. France is up next. Bonjour. No, no parle français. Yes.

00:43:22

???

You're speaking.

JPC

Yeah, this is Brett, potentially from Breslvania. Got a little bit of a war going on here. What do you want? Well, I want to see if maybe we could make a trade. I know that France, you guys do have army, correct? No. No, okay.

???

We have baguettes.

JPC

Sure, yeah.

???

And very small hats.

JPC

I think you're lying to me. And balloons. Yeah, okay, no, you're right. Nothing that you could then do for us?

???

No. It's a busy eating, very long lunches.

JPC

Kisses goodbye.

00:44:23

Michael

Pizza Pizza.

JPC

Okay, you know what?

???

These are little Caesars.

Michael

I got 4.1 billion for little Caesars to fight our war. So many good accents. There's so many amazing references. Thank you for setting me up to make you do accents.

Erin

Yeah, once a month I have to see if I could do a French accent. And no luck yet.

JPC

You did a really great job there. It was really good.

Erin

I said Bonjour like six times.

JPC

Okay, here we go. We have a riddle from Jesse. This riddle's coming from Jesse. Jesse says, a bomber plane is flying over the desert to drop its bombs for a test. The bomb doors open, they press the eject button for the bomb, but the bomb doesn't eject. Nothing on the plane is malfunctioning. What happened? Bomber plane flying over the desert, testing the bombs, they press the button. The bombs should come out. Nothing is malfunctioning, but they don't come out. What's going on here? Wacky ol' bomber plane!

00:45:24

Michael

Well, maybe there's no bombs in the plane.

JPC

Yeah. That is a great, that is a great guess. Would I have it on good authority from the answer to this, Riddle? That there are bombs in the plane. Test bombs. Just little test bombs.

Michael

The plane is flying upside down.

JPC

Michael, you are absolutely correct. The plane is flying up. And we know that's possible because we all saw Top Gun Maverick. We did. I have seen it now. So now I do know that it's possible.

Erin

You didn't see it in theaters? I didn't see it in theaters. You missed the propaganda to join the army before.

JPC

I know. I waited for so long. And then I did see... Congratulations, Michael. That was very good. Thank you. I did just see in theaters the Dungeons and Dragons movie.

Erin

I loved it.

JPC

You saw it in theaters?

Erin

Yeah, I did.

JPC

We won't spoil it for you, but they did a thing when you get into the movie. Did they do this for you? Where before the movie starts, the cast is like sitting in chairs and they're like, thank you so much for coming to see the movie. Did that play in your theater?

Erin

No. But I got there kind of late.

JPC

Okay. It was the most like cringe, awkward thing. Like none of them wanted to be there. It was obvious that they didn't want to be there. There were six of them, but only like three of them spoke. And they were like, you're the real heroes for seeing a movie in the theater. We want to salute you from the Dungeons and Dragons. And I'm like, who is this for? Is there really like a person in the theater being like, Chris Pine, I'm your best friend. We make the movies together. Me and you, Chris Pine. Right.

00:46:52

Michael

Well, that's probably because after COVID, no one's going to the movies.

JPC

But it made me feel bad for coming to the movie. They weren't excited.

Michael

Then you're probably looking around going, maybe I shouldn't be here.

JPC

Because didn't Tom Cruise do a thing before Top Gun, Maverick? I think he did. I think he did, yeah. But I'm assuming... Tom Cruise, because he's a whoop whoop, was a little more high energy and like genuine. Like they were, it felt like they had just done like 15 hours of press junket.

Erin

Isn't that what Nicole Kidman is there?

JPC

But she's always alone.

Erin

Yeah, that's true.

Michael

She just walks around the theater alone. She's so cool. With her big sparkly pants.

Erin

She made me feel so good. And then Chris. She's been getting applause every time I go to the theater.

JPC

People love it now. I mean, people have just, they've embraced Nicole. I wonder if that's an L.A.

Michael

only thing, because I would love... Well, it's AMC theaters. That's the only one they do it for.

JPC

But I see AMC shows in Chicago and they don't have, Nicole doesn't come out and do it. She does, but nobody claps. Oh you gotta start. You gotta start the trend. We saw Dungeons and Dragons with a group and we tried to do some claps and woos and nobody knew it. And it's an opening weekend and nobody was into it.

Erin

Can I tell you a little secret?

JPC

I'd love to hear a secret.

00:47:52

Erin

About the Dungeons and Dragons movie?

JPC

No, thank you.

Erin

No, it's not a big secret about the movie, but I saw it on a Saturday afternoon. I loved it so much. I went back again that Monday.

Michael

Oh, I love that.

Erin

I've hadn't done that since I was like a kid, like over the summer, like big blockbusters, seeing a movie twice in one week. But I had the best time and I'm an AMC stubs member, not to brag about how rich I am.

JPC

Oh, well, you're braggin'. I'm Yeah, it was fun. And they messaged the group to see if anyone wanted to see it. And one person from the group was seeing it on Saturday, and they were like, I doubt that I'm going to want to see it twice in a row, so I won't go. And we got to playing D&D, and she was like, how was it? She was like, yeah, I probably would have seen it again. Who was it? I don't know if it's anyone that you know from the group, but it is a group of people that you do know.

00:48:59

Michael

I have a hot take about the movies right now. This might be controversial but... It seems like they've, that Hollywood pushed Cocaine Bear down everyone's throats and I don't know anyone who really is talking about it. Like, I think people are like, eh, that was fine.

JPC

But it's not like everyone's going, whoa, you gotta go see that movie. I don't know how I saw so many commercials for it because I don't see anything that would give me commercials.

Michael

But I think it was like on the Academy Awards and you know, they, they keep like it's part of the butt of all these jokes. But I thought, yeah, but Is anyone actually going to see it? Really?

Erin

I wonder because I think that it was sort of trying to manufacture like a hate watch or so bad it's good and people go for fun to make fun of it. But I think they actually had like a good production. It was like Elizabeth Banks directed it. It was like good people involved in it. Interesting. And it felt like a manufactured like, won't this be a funny hate watch? Like it's so silly. And I think that they should have just been like more earnest about it.

Michael

It is a fun movie. Just let it go. I don't know. I don't know anyone, well I don't know, I just haven't heard that much, like... I don't know anyone who saw it.

00:50:02

JPC

Look, that's why we come to Hollywood to record these podcasts, for the insightful... For the hot takes, the Hollywood hot takes. Yeah. Our Hollywood hot takes segment where we go, why did this thing happen in the industry? We're all like, we don't know. We don't know why it happened. We don't know. We don't understand it. It's complicated. Oh.

Erin

I love that movie.

Michael

Speaking of complicated, I think you should have on every podcast at least two minutes of Hollywood hot takes.

Erin

Yeah. I'm trying to think of what my Hollywood hot takes are.

JPC

Erin, do you don't have Hollywood hot takes?

Erin

Less superhero movies.

JPC

That's a good one. That's everyone's hot take. No, I like... Here's my Hollywood hot take. Fix LAX. Fix the rental gun experience. Fix the airport experience. That's my Hollywood hot take. Amen. Absolutely terrible experience here. We have actually a couple of riddles here, and these are riddles from Jenna. Oh, Jenna. Jenna's been a fan of the show for a long time and is still a fan of the show. Oh, that's so nice. So Jenna, here we go. So this is riddles from back in the summer camp days. Oh, good. I like a good summer camp riddle. And it says the first one will probably make Erin very mad. Isn't that fun for you, Erin?

00:51:13

Erin

Way ahead of you. Already here.

JPC

Erin, here we go. Here's Jennie's first riddle from Summer Camp. What's big, red, and eats rocks? Big, red, and eats rocks. Erin, I think this one will make you pretty mad.

Erin

Yeah, I'm already mad.

JPC

But will it make Michael Hitchcock mad? Let's see. That's the real question.

Michael

Big, red, and eats rocks.

JPC

Could Jenna have known in 2018? That she was going to make a person she couldn't even dream of being on the podcast this mad with this riddle. We don't know. And we'll see. Big Red needs rocks. I'll tell you. It's right there. You have all the information that you need right there and you will not like this answer.

Erin

What's something that's big and red?

JPC

Can I tell you the answer?

Michael

Well, there's Big Red chewing gum. That's right. There's a large communist.

Erin

Yeah. And I famously love to eat rocks.

Michael

Lucille Ball's hair in the later years.

JPC

With the industrialization that the Soviet Union did, I do think that that would be like big red in eating rocks. So I guess I would accept that as an answer. But that is not the answer.

00:52:22

Erin

It's a summer camp.

JPC

It's a summer camp thing. It is a summer camp thing. It's just sort of juvenile-ish. Here's what I, Erin, we so rarely do this in person, but I do want to be making eye contact with you when I tell you the answer to this.

Erin

Okay, well you're in punching distance, are you sure?

JPC

Casey could end up doing all this laughing. All this laughing will go. Big, red, and eats rocks. I can't wait to tell you. Oh, tell us. What is it? A big, red rock eater.

Erin

No.

JPC

Riddle loves it.

Erin

We got a big laugh. I have to go.

Michael

No, you have to stay. Yeah, that's not even a dad joke.

???

You come here. That's worse than a dad joke.

Michael

No, I don't even think it would make the Bazooka Joe rap.

???

You're dying. I love it.

JPC

Okay, the podcast is really challenging. That was it for me.

Erin

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

JPC

I think Jenna has another one. Oh, we need to hear it.

Erin

I do not trust Jenna anymore.

00:53:23

JPC

She did warn. She did warn. There was a warning attached. She was right. She made you mad.

Erin

That made me really mad.

???

Okay.

JPC

You can only go on the camping trip if you get the right things in your case. Let's see. So in my case, hmm, how do I want to do this? I could take jam and a Coca-Cola. What would you take, Erin? Michael, what would you take? You can only go if you take the right thing in your case.

Erin

I would take Juice.

JPC

Okay.

Erin

And a car.

JPC

Erin, you can not go on the camping trip.

Erin

No.

Michael

I would take the look. How do I phrase this? I think it would be a sweater and a pontoon boat.

JPC

A sweater and a pontoon boat. Michael, you can not go on the camping trip. This might help you. I could take pickles. But I could not take onions on the camping trip. I could take pickles, but I could not take onions on the camping trip.

00:54:33

Erin

Can you give me your first answers again?

JPC

I could take jam, like jelly. I could also take jelly in a Coca-Cola. I could take my car, but I could not take a boat.

Erin

I said car. I could take a car for sure.

JPC

You can't. I can't. You cannot take a car. I could take a car, but I couldn't take a boat. You could take an e-bike.

???

You can take an e-bike.

JPC

You can't take a boat.

Erin

What is this?

Michael

I know there's a similar one to this, but I don't remember what the trick is.

JPC

You could take a Mitsubishi, but you couldn't take a Kia. Erin, you could take a Kia, but you can't unfortunately have a Mitsubishi. I do make the rules. Actually, you know, Jenna makes the rules.

Erin

Does it have to do with the letters that are in your name or the vowels in your name?

JPC

I would say the letters in your name are a big part of it. Yeah. And that is the answer. Do you want to take a guess as to what you could take on a camping trip? Do they have to be in my name? Why don't you just take a stab at what... Remember, I can take jelly. I can take a Coca-Cola. And I can take pickles. I could take jelly, pickles, Coca-Cola.

00:55:50

Erin

Okay. It has to be something that your name starts with.

JPC

Guess what? You could take it.

Erin

What begins with E? That's a noun. I can't think anymore. You could take everything. I'll take an N and I'll take everything. And that covers it because it's everything. And I'll take my car keys.

JPC

Okay. You could take the edible and some ketamine.

Erin

I could take an edible and I have. And that's why I'm in the mood on it.

JPC

Yeah, Erin, those things you can definitely take on your camping trip. Michael, do you know what you can take on your camping trip?

Michael

I can take marshmallows, and I can take lettuce.

JPC

Marshmallows and lettuce. What's your middle name?

Michael

Gordon.

JPC

I don't think you could take lettuce, that right? Am I insane?

Michael

Oh, can I take greens?

JPC

You can take greens, but you can't take lettuce. Yes, correct. I think we may have done something like this on the show before, but that is you can only take things that start with a letter of your name. So I did, I'm John Patrick Coan, so I did J, P, and C. Okay, oh, interesting. All right. That's fun. Jesse, good for you. I think that's a fun...Jenna. Jenna, I'm sorry. But I think Jesse did give a riddle. And Jesse gave the last riddle. So good for you, Jesse. And Jenna.

00:57:06

Erin

And Jenna.

Michael

Oh, they're great.

JPC

The J's are absolutely killing it today.

Michael

They really are. And I can't wait till Jenna turns nine.

JPC

Okay, so I want to see a scene. I'm going to be a camp counselor and you two are going to be staying in the bunk that I'm counseling for and you're going to be unpacking your suitcases. You brought some unconventional things to camp. Okay everybody, just find a bunk. You know, you claim your bunk and if you want to do top or bottom, you can do that.

Erin

Okay. All right, come on out Kyle. This is my baby brother Kyle.

Michael

Hi. I'm finally gonna make it to camp.

JPC

Yay. Oh no. No, no.

Michael

Oh, I brought my pontoon and my ketamine.

JPC

Okay, hey, why don't I keep the ketamine? Oh my god, there's a lot of ketamine.

Michael

You're mean.

JPC

No, no, no, I'm not. I'm Gordon. I'm nice. I'm the camp counselor. This is counselor Gordon Kyle. He's okay.

Erin

He's pretty easy to push around.

00:58:07

JPC

First of all, I'm not. Were you talking to my ex? Yeah. First of all, I'm not easy to push around. Gordon, this is Robin.

Michael

She works at Universal Studios sometimes. Oh, I've been on your tour.

JPC

Oh, I've been on your tour.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

And I'm easy to push around.

Erin

This is my baby brother.

JPC

Look, you can't bring other people in your suitcase to camp. You had enough air and everything? Are you okay? Kyle, are you okay?

Michael

Not really. One of my lungs collapsed.

JPC

But I'm here at camp now. You're all blue on the left side of your body.

Michael

I'm really hoping that the sunshine will clear that out. Oh, I don't think it will. I think we have to re-inflate that.

Erin

Here's the deal, Gordon. Okay. Kyle wasn't old enough to come to this camp. And two camp salary, like fees for camp. What am I trying to say? Cost of camp.

JPC

You're trying to say I pay, you pay my salary. We pay your salary. I do this to police officers.

Erin

And camp's too expensive to send two kids to, so he's here now. He's gonna be here.

00:59:08

Michael

We want to do all the activities.

JPC

Yeah, I'm actually looking back on it. It was actually really fun.

Michael

Are you just gonna tell stories the whole time or are you actually gonna do something?

JPC

I wouldn't mind talking. Kyle wants to shoot an arrow. Gordon, you're a red rock eater. Boo!

???

Okay, okay, hey.

JPC

Look, look, hey. I know that you might not like me, but what about my twin brother Jerry? Huh? Where is he? It's me. I'm Jerry. Oh, you're both. Oh, the Gordon's not here. Where's Gordon? He's not here. It's my... You killed him? No. Have you seen the Prestige?

Michael

Yeah, you just kind of weirdly just turned into him?

JPC

Well, yeah, I mean, we live separate lives or whatever he's married or not.

Erin

Which one's the prestige and which one is the illusionist? And are you in love with your brother's wife?

01:00:10

JPC

Okay, so no, but I am in love with Jessica Biel, which is confusing because she's in the illusionist, but that does not have to do with my situation.

Erin

They came out at the same time!

Michael

Oh, he's like that guy in Blackbird who ate his twin brother when they were in the womb.

JPC

I know, and if we knew anything about Hollywood, that's a Hollywood hot take is what we call it. Why that happened.

Erin

I know the difference. I love the illusionist.

JPC

I saw people know. I saw both of them in high school with my magician friend and he told me which one was better. Which one are you now? You know what? We did a great job, and those were some really good riddles. They really were.

Erin

Not the rock one.

JPC

Okay, not the rock one, for sure. You know, I think we have something special here.

Michael

I don't think... We do. Someone's missing, and you know what? It doesn't feel weird. I don't think it feels that weird. It feels great, actually.

Erin

I burst into tears. I miss him.

JPC

Yeah, we all miss him. Michael... I miss him too. We miss him. He's such a great guy. I know that's different from what we said at the top of the show, but if you've made it this far... And what we've ever said. Michael, do you have anything coming up that you would like our listeners to promote to be aware of? Sure.

01:01:21

Michael

Well, I'm filming something right now called Grand Death Auto starring John Cena and Awkwafina. I don't know when it's coming out, but it's coming out by Paul Feig and that'll be fun. And then later this year, a movie called Reunion is coming out. Okay.

JPC

So yeah, that's it. Look for those. What about you, Erin? Anything you want to plug coming up?

Erin

Check out sitcom D&D, it's another headgum podcast. Love it. Would love to have you on that show one day if you had the time.

JPC

Well, I've actually already been on.

Erin

Not you.

JPC

Not you.

???

Flat, flat, flat.

Erin

GPC, anything to plug?

JPC

You know what? I did not, is this word live? I did not look up a review to read. So I will say, check out our Patreon, patreon.com. We do a bonus episode every week. And they're not funny like this, but they're funny in like a different way.

Erin

Yeah, they're funny like ha ha ha. Interesting.

JPC

It's like ironic funny. And if you sign up, it's like five dollars a month and it's like ironically funny. It's like a big fucking joke is basically what it is. Erin, speaking of big fucking jokes, I could bring on my trip through the universe a big red rock Jupiter.

01:02:32

Erin

Good night. Good night. I assume everyone's about to go to sleep.

???

Sorry, Erin Keif. and John Patrick Coan. Casey Tony did the editing, and Artie Parrot did the music.

JPC

Hey there clunkers and lemons. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We have Marcus Haugen and Claire Favret from the Winkle in Time podcast on to take you to a car dealership. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

???

That was a head gum podcast.