Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Adal, JPC, Adal, JPC, the cast list is up for the Hey Riddle Riddle podcast.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

Oh no, I forgot to audition. JPC, we made a pass.

Okay, let's put on our jackets, put on our backpacks. We ride our bikes. JPC, of course, is on a razor scooter. Let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And we crash open the doors of our... I wanna run through the halls of my high school. All right. We throw off our jackets, pound on our lockers. Good, okay. What's it say? What's it say? Main host, JPC. Excuse me. Excuse me. Should we be in this high school? We are... Adults.

Yeah, I know. You are all three adults.

And so are you. I am a cheerleader. I'm very young.

Ma'am, you look tired. If she was tired, could she do this? Erin, do this.

Backflip!

Oh my god!

Now, Erin, my leg! You landed on my leg. I was behind you.

Take me to the hospital. Take me to the hospital.

Why would you initiate a backflip?

What's the castle say?

It says host JPC. That's it? Sir, a teacher or adult?

Yes, I'm the principal of this high school.

I'm so sorry. I act weird around adults. We're probably the same age or you might be slightly younger than me, but you're dressed... Maybe slightly younger.

Get to the point, Adal.

You're dressed so well and you... My leg hurts so bad. Sorry, it's so weird because I always think of myself as like 22 and you seem to really be an adult. You? Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, it's not ow that you're not 22. Erin, you might've hit me when you did that backflip.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

No, that shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt for you to hear that you're not 22.

Mr. Responsibility or whatever your name was. Responsible to clap. Oh, German. Do you have a JPC in this school or is this our JPC that was cast as host?

Well, there's only one JPC and this is actually not even a school. This is the set of To Catch a Predator.

That's right.

My name is Dear Evan Hansen and we've lured you three podcasts to this.

Oh, so it's like a musical theater Catch a Predator.

Honestly, I lost the thread on what this was a long time ago, but you're all in big trouble.

And I'm Erin Keif. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. This is a riddle podcast where we do riddles, puzzles, and lateral thinking problems. And also some bad improv on purpose. That's what we lie and say to people that the bad improv is a fun choice that we are making. Because we're so good at real good improv that we just have fun do bad improv. What's up guys?

Don't fall for this. Don't fall for this.

She's trying to sell you up guys. What'd I say? What's up guys? In the most earnest sweet way and everyone looks at me like I'm trying to rob them.

Here's what I'll say is up, Erin. We literally just saw you in person for the first time in a little chunk of time. And we, the three of us played world news tonight together for the first time in, I want to say three years, over three years.

It was crazy. I hadn't been back to IO since March of 2020. I walked in, immediately had a panic attack. And then I went to the bathroom and I immediately cried. And then I went and did world news and it was a great time. And everyone was so sweet and let me play the whole time.

Oh sweetie, you thought that was the bathroom? That was the ER.

Oh goodness, I did it again. But it was so fun and it made me really, really miss Chicago. So that was the one con is it made me even more homesick. But it was a great show and you guys were really funny on it. Go check out world news.

The one con, what am I chopped liver? That's my, that's my Scott Cahn impression just for everyone keeping track of the best of the cons.

Uncanny is the word I would use to describe it.

It's a very good impression.

My favorite part of the show was, Erin, there's a scene you were doing where you, I think you were playing a rock cat, no, you were playing a cat maybe, and you grabbed the top of a door on stage. The IO Theater has some fake doors on a fake set. And she grabbed the top of it and lifted her legs up and just hung there. And then after the scene got done, she came over to the sides and gestured towards me to come over and I go, yeah. And she goes, I hurt myself. And I could not stop laughing.

It really was so crazy. I was like, oh yeah, three years passed. I used to be crawling all over that stage. I used to climb things. And then I was like, you are not young. You're in your 30s now, queen.

And I would say that's a real door. Um... I mean, it's definitely on a fake set. I will not fight you on that, but that's a door.

I will say, as I was hanging off of it, it didn't feel as sturdy as a real door.

I think it's a fake door. Well, I mean, now you're like a sub-door elitist here, talking about how all doors have to be sturdy as fuck.

I think if a door doesn't lead anywhere, then it's not a door. It's a fake door. Wow. Yeah. Interesting.

Although that door does lead back to me. You're more of a destination guy than I'm more of a journey guy. Don't stop!

Last half journey. Let's see, what are some destinations on us? Yeah, you do a destination talk. Asia, Kansas, Boston. You have to pick.

You also, after the show, we met some really wonderful Hey Riddle Riddle listeners, and I met a ton of them, but I wanted to apologize to a woman named Bea who came up to me and I immediately started crying. I don't know if she noticed. I think she did. She was being so sweet that it made me cry and I think I freaked her out. So if you're listening to this, I'm sorry. Cut this out.

Erin, I immediately wouldn't apologize. I felt so terrible. I was talking to two wonderful people from Chattanooga, Tennessee, and somebody else screamed my name, somebody I know from the theater, and I turned around and went over to them thinking they just needed something, but they wanted to talk, and then I ignored those people from Chattanooga and they left, and I felt terrible. And I also wouldn't apologize. To Swedish fan Isabelle, who I said hello to over the phone, I think we all said hello to over the phone, and I couldn't hear a thing she was saying, but she sent us some Swedish fish, so I appreciate that. International crowd.

And I have nothing to apologize for. Every one of my social interactions went, as they always do, perfectly.

I went upstairs and I ran into Brad Pike and he gave me a tour of the upstairs space. And I was crying, laughing the whole time. And I was like, I'm going to go downstairs and tell JPC and Adal that I saw you and they're going to be like, Brad died three years ago. I really was getting a tour from a ghost. It was so fun.

He does have a very ghost-like quality to him. Yeah.

And then we were trying to describe to a couple of people what improvised Kurt Vonnegut was like when we did it and we were in tears. Yeah, so funny. Um, so what is this place?

Guys, where are we? We're in hell. We're in Riddle hell.

Okay, let's do it.

And we'll be here for the foreseeable future. So we might as well make ourselves comfortable. Try the Chuck liver.

Sorry, just my Scott Khan again.

Scott Khan loves chopped liver. Scott Khan, if you don't mind sort of helping us transition to the Riddle portion, can you just, I don't know, rattle off any movie you were in?

Great question, Adal.

Why don't I throw this to my partner in crime, Mr. Casey Affleck.

Oh, Ocean's 11.

Hey, come on, man. I was about to say that. It's me, the little worm, Casey Affleck.

I feel like I'm digging through a sandbox trying to find the impression.

And what you're doing. I do think it's fun to do impressions of people when you have no intention of learning their speech patterns. That you're just like, this is my impression. It's not even like, it's a choice. It's just not the person's voice.

It's me, Jimmy Kimmel. Erin, it's funny you say sandbox because we have something very special, which is some warm up riddles.

Wow. I truly thought that that was going to transition into a Sandy, a segment that I was not prepared for and I was wrong.

Alright, let's get into some warm-up riddles. Sandbox, sandbox, sandbox.

That makes me think of a little segment we've done on the show before. Welcome to Animal Parade.

Well, since we're here, should we do one?

Yeah. Yeah. I think we should. Erin, are you ready? Mm-hmm.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. A snail with an ax to grind. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

A tiger with a binder.

A mole with a monocle. An iguana smoking marijuana.

A chicken with a cell phone.

A cockadoo with an ax to grind.

A walrus who says have you called your mom?

It's animal parade. I was going to say a whale with an ax to grind and every other one is

I gotta say, as someone who dreamt of being a zoologist when I was in my younger days, so much of the animal kingdom has an ax to grind. There's so many creatures out there who are just waiting. They wish someone would.

Adal, I don't think it's too late for you. I think you could make that your life if you wanted.

Yeah, you're only 22. I was doing the edits for the last episode I hosted and you famously said, I'm old now just like Adal, super old.

Did I say that?

You did. We have audio evidence.

Look, first of all, we can't start... KG quickly, delete the whole podcast.

We can't start throwing audio evidence around because we can't be using this stuff against each other. We've said some terrible things about each other, to each other, with each other.

JPC did call me a bitch before the recording started and we all promise not to tell.

No, no, no, hold on now. That, Erin, sounds like it might be real, but that is not what happened.

I'm stirring the pot. Stir, stir, stir.

Anyone else want to put anything in the pot while I stir it?

Bitch.

What I said was I would never call Erin a bitch while we are recording. I said I would never do that.

Oh, brother. Okay. Riddles.

Riddles.

Riddles.

But first, let's do an Erin parade, and this is where we go around much like animal parade, and we just compliment Erin. Here we go.

Wait, but Animal Print's not about complimenting the animals, is it?

Oh.

Yes, you're right.

Because that tiger just was reading his biology notes out of his binder. I'm not complimenting him. He's just holding a binder.

He's a good tiger.

Well, everyone heard it. JPC did not want to do a compliment of Erin, so what was real? Hmm?

JPC called me a bitch and everyone heard it. I'm in so much trouble. Okay, sorry.

Okay, here we go. First warm up riddle. What can you easily break but never touch? That's pretty good. That's not the answer I have here, but that's an answer. Here's what I'll say. Who sings that song?

What song?

I think it's Blondie. Yeah, it sounds like Blondie. Nevermind.

I thought that answer was good.

What do you mean nevermind? Nirvana. Is the answer Nirvana? What can you easily break but never touch? The answer is the name of a band. What can you eat? Oh, the Pixies. Here's the thing, this is a band who definitely sings the song that was Gemma and I's first dance at our wedding. Oh, Ed Sheeran.

Oh, the original cast of Rent.

Trying to remember... Johnathan Larson.

Your first dance was... Our first dance happened very fast because we played Smash Mouth and then we played this song but the DJ messed it up and immediately was like, everybody on the dance floor. So it kind of stepped on our first dance. So it happened very quickly.

Is it Bobby Pickett?

It wasn't Monster Mash, although I tried to convince Gemma that would be a good idea. What can you easily break but never touch? This is also... Oh, JPC, we were talking about, and Erin, you've played this, the game It Takes Two. There's a little guy that keeps popping up the whole game that I could use less of. Oh, an offensive accent. Yes, portrayed by a... A book? A book? Oh, is he a book? Never mind.

Adal hasn't back checked any of his hints today. All right, the answer is heart.

The answer is heart. But here's what I was thinking. In my mind, I conflated that book from It Takes Two with Riccardio, The Talking Heart in Adventure Time because they both have similar accents. Um, that makes sense.

I think you can touch a heart though. I don't like that riddle cause you can hold, like, donkeys touch hearts all the time.

You shouldn't touch. Yeah.

Anyway, this article comes to us courtesy of Hannah. Hannah Shiher says, apparently every year in Japan there are a Capybara Long Bath Championship. So this is the Capybara Long Bath Championship from 2022. Every year at this time, some of the world's top competitors show off their amazing skills, dazzling and delighting crowds in a contest to see who Is truly the best of the best. That's right, it's time for the Capybara Long Bath Championship. We're sure that the sports cuddly creature fans are already aware of the details, but for those of you whose brains are short-circuiting from the excitement of cuteness, let's review how the contest works. The Capybara Long Bath Championship is an annual event that it's now in its 10th year, so I guess at time of recording probably closer to 11th year, and this is the hybrid team individual competition between the Capybaras living at five zoos in Japan At the same time on the same day, each park's capybears go into their toasty outdoor baths, which they can get out of whenever they please. The longest individual capybara bath for each team is recorded and compared to the other zoos in whichever parks is the longest wins the championship.

Wow. Gambling is a strong disease.

We won't bet on anything.

You're so cute though. I do want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you are capybaras, and you are enjoying a nice bath. You slowly realize over the course of your relaxing bath, which is pretty nice in the waters, the warm waters, that you slowly realize that a lot of people are watching you and sort of rooting either for or against you for some reason.

So that's super interesting about that promotion network. Wait.

Yeah. No, I mean like I... The thing is, I hope it's not political, but I kind of feel like it is because, you know, two other capybaras were basically vying for it and then they chose me, which I'm like, do they not? I'm sorry? Yeah. I mean, I guess there's more of them. I don't know what you heard, but Cheryl and I are still good. We're still on good terms.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not you and me. Me and them. I just lost $200.

I bet that none of the capybaras would be sexy. Capybara, capybara, capybara.

You're perfect if you're watching anyone take a bath is what I'm saying.

Hannah writes that the all-time record, do you guys want to guess what the all-time record for an individual capybara bath length is?

Six days.

I'm gonna say 14 hours. It is four hours, 56 minutes, and 36 seconds. This year's winner, Poro, which is last year's winner, managed a respectable one hour, 58 minutes, and 38 seconds. Oh. I can stay in the shower longer than that. Yeah dude. Two hours in the shower? Easy. Give me three shower beers and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'll be there all day baby.

I mean my skin peeled off but I beat that capybara.

Four hours and 56 minutes in a bath. That's fucking insane. That's so long to be in water.

And you know, I mean, we're not in hot springs by any means. You know in a human bath that turns cold within 30 minutes?

Yeah. 20 minutes? We got to be getting into more hot springs. I want to get the hot springs installed in my house. That's a thing, right? You should. Yeah. Just sulfur? Just sulfur popping up? It's like a bidet, yeah. It's convenience. Here we go. Anyway, thank you, Hannah. Thank you for writing the animal parade in. If you want to write an animal parade, go ahead and send those to, send those fun animal articles to hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

What's 100 feet in the air when it's upside down?

Hmm. What's 100 feet in the air when it's upside down?

Someone about, someone who just started bungee jumping.

Uh, is it, could this be like your shadow?

I'd like to see a scene actually. Adal, you are the bungee jumping instructor and JPC, you're a man who's bungee jumping for the first time and you're super excited about it, but the second you jump off, you immediately regret it and you're in hell.

Okay. Okay, just take a deep breath. Do you have any questions before we proceed?

No, I mean, you double checked everything, right? I look all, like, hooked in and everything?

I don't double check. I'm a professional. A single check will suffice.

I would just love a double check. I understand that you're a professional, but this is my life. So, like, your process doesn't really mean anything to me, you know?

Okay, yeah. And I would love to have front row tickets to Taylor Swift.

All right. I mean, that's what I'm paying for this. So I will, but guess what? If I die, I'm not going to be able to sign those tickets over to you, you know? So it's like, do you want the tickets or not?

You're not. My completion rate is 94%, which is the best you're going to find anywhere, anywhere in the Grand Canyon.

Wait, what do you mean 94%? Well, that's, if it's not 100%, it's a huge issue.

Okay, well I've had 23,000 bungee jumpers. Well, bungee is the correct pronunciation, but... For customers, I usually say bungee just to appease them. It is bungee. Oh, also, I did forget to tell you, this is very important. A lot of these people, there's mishaps because at the very end, when the bungee cord reaches its stretch limit... I can't have you saying bungee anymore.

It's really throwing me.

When it reaches its stretch limit, do not cough. That's maybe the most important thing. I forgot to say that. Do not cough.

You've been waiting in line forever. What's the hold up?

You sir, do you want to go? Let this man go.

No, that guy said bungee. No way man.

He also was about to let me jump before he said there's a thing that I always forget. Push him. Push him? You.

What?

No. Me push him? Please don't. He's not connected to a bungee cord. Please. Now he's got me saying that.

Bungee. Scene.

Bungee.

Bungee.

Bungee. If someone was like, you're going to be bungee jumping today, I'd be like, I'm actually not going to be.

I wouldn't even say anything, I'd just turn around. All right, go back to the car.

I'm your pee lot today, flying the plani.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no. You are not, and you are not. What's 100 feet in the air when it's upside down?

And think along the lines of our previous segment.

Uh, it's not a bat.

Is it a cloud? Oh, I do like that though, because bats sleep upside down. Yeah. They could be doing that in like a tree or something that's 100 feet tall.

It could be like a colony of bats or something. Or yeah, like a one bat up in a tree. But this is um, take this at face value. Like assume this is literal. What's 100 feet in the air when it's upside down?

Oh. And not height wise. Oh, is this like a, what, like a millipede or something that's like on its back? A centipede.

Centipede.

Centipede. Centipede, like a hundred, right?

Yeah.

Oh, I want to see a scene. JPC, you're a centipede, but you're also kind of a dick and you've fallen on your back and you're asking the other centipedes for help getting up.

Okay. Oh no, I'm on my back. Can someone come down here and look at me? I'm on my back. Hey, Skyler, what's up, man? I'm on my back. Please help me.

Okay, let me just grab your back in and give you a nice spin.

Oh, man. Oh, no. I just ate whatever we eat and now it's all over me.

Hey, Lisa. Lisa.

What's up? No, not Lisa.

Check out Skyler. Didn't you used to date this guy?

Oh I did! And then he called me an unlovable bug.

Hey Lisa, jealous much?

Jealous that you're covered in throw up and on your back?

Yeah, Skyler, I'm jealous. It's a chicks throw up. She was just here. And we were boning like two bugs.

Skyler, you're bragging because someone came over here, threw up on you, and then left you for a dad on your back? Cool.

Anyway, what's human up to you? Miss me much?

No.

Why are you back here?

I'm engaged. Look at this ring that's around my whole body.

Yeah, she's engaged to a human. You want to guess who? I'll give you a hint. I want to say 40 days of night. Josh Hartnett. It's Josh Hartnett.

It's Josh Hartnett.

Your hints today have been all over the map, man.

Anyway, Skyler, have a good life or whatever. Bye.

Good life. Bye buddy. Wait, what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Please, please. Just help me up. Just let me, hey, help me get back on my feet, man. Please. I'll be good. What's that? Why? I have to go to band practice. It's not for me, it's for the band, okay? If I'm not there, I'm their bass player. They can't practice without me.

Do you really play the bass? I mean I play a bass. What does that mean? I actually have in my knapsack here. I have a bass. Go ahead and play it. If you can prove to us you play the bass, I'll pick you up.

Okay. Remember this is a centipede bass. So it has 400 strings on it. So just positioning all of my hands and my little hands all over the thing.

Unscrewing the bottom.

Although I'm thirsty. Unscrewing the bottom. It's a base, man. I'm trying to get the flow of things. Okay. How does Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters go?

Seen.

Just someone count me into it. Someone count me into Monkey Wrench. Which I gotta say, isn't the music video for Monkey Wrench, isn't it a plan creation?

Yeah, it's a plan-crushing. It's a plan-crushing. I think it is. Or is it that, there goes my hero. Is that the one where the plan is crushing?

I can't remember. All I remember is there's one with Dave Grohl dressed up as a flight attendant.

We will never know. We'll never know. We'll never know.

We'll never know. It's impossible. We'll never know. MTV has been scrubbed from the internet. Yeah, it's gone. MTV gone now. MTV gone now. Let's do another Riddle here. Take one letter away and... I'm sorry?

I said, ignore my enthusiasm.

That could have waited. Erin, is everything okay?

Yeah, no, I just wanted to get hyped up for a riddle. I'm trying to turn things around.

Why start now? This is my question. Take one letter away and I'm above our head. Take away two and I'm invisible. Take away none and I'm under you. What am I?

God.

Can you read it again?

This one's hard. Take away one letter and I'm above our head. We'll just say your head. Take away one letter and I'm above your head. Take away two and I'm invisible. Take away none and I'm under you. What am I?

I'm gonna have to write it down.

Hold on. So if we start with take away none and I'm under you, then we're looking for a word that describes under you.

That's something under you.

So I will say like the floor. Floor?

Um, it's not floor.

Is it like adding or subtracting letters to head and invisible? Is it like two letters?

It's not. No, it's not that.

Okay.

When it becomes invisible, does that mean we've taken all the letters away?

No, there's when he becomes invisible, there's three letters left. So it's a five letter word. When you take away none, it's under you. And I can confirm it's under all three of us right now.

It's a five letter. Okay.

Chair.

Yes. Erin, that's it.

Can you- Chair, air.

And?

Hair.

That's it. Erin. Wow, chair, air, hair. Erin, can I just apologize? I'd like to see a quick scene. Sure. Where Adal apologizes to Erin for her enthusiasm because it paid off.

It did, and we all learned a lesson.

He's just trying to get Casey to put music behind his apology.

To make it sound more poignant and true.

That's bullshit. Hey Erin, thanks for meeting me on top of this windy hilltop with a 50 piece orchestra. Motherfucker. Oh, Howard Dean's over here. Howard Dean, did you have something to say?

Casey's really having his revenge this year and you have to respect it.

Casey, that one might be not long for this earth. I think we're going to get some pretty angry emails about that sound.

And Adal?

Yes.

I just want to apologize. And does it sound sincere with this music playing underneath? I'm so sorry that Nevermind Adal.

Just waiting to hit Erin with the EDM music.

Alright, I could do like a hundred more riddles. I'm so excited.

Alright, let's do another one here. I could do a break. Oh.

Honestly, if we're being honest, Erin wants to do a hundred more riddles, I would do a break. We could do 50 then a break, and that's like a compromise.

Okay, here, why don't we do a riddle that is a break? Okay, so this slogan for, this partial slogan for Kit Kats is also a hairline fracture.

I'll be back chocolate.

Nice. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Hey everybody, we're back. I know you recognize this old voice box. This is Dave Grohl, lead singer of Nirvana and then Foo Fighters.

Lead singer of Nirvana?

Yeah. And then Foo Fighters? Yeah, that's right. Oh.

Dave Grohl, have you Googled yourself lately?

No, I haven't. MTV's been scrubbed from the internet. Test me if you don't believe me. Name any Nirvana song.

Oh boy. Well, there's the one. Well, don't say that one. Wait, why am I supposed to name an Urvana song? What's the test? To prove I was the lead singer.

Okay, uh, smells like Teen Spirit. Go ahead.

Okay, here we go. This is Dave Grohl, me, singing Smells Like Teen Spirit to prove I was the lead singer.

You're doing the drums.

Yeah, the drums, Dave Grohl. That's the drums.

Alright, how about something in the way? Famous song.

By George Harrison?

Something in the way she moves? Oh, okay.

This is her bass, bass, bass. What do you two think Lead Vocals is?

You think it's drums.

I mean, you think it's drums. I think drums without drums. Name me one good song without drums.

I got a song for you. Why don't we chop up some liver? Is that...

Is that John Travolta?

No, it was me Casey Affleck doing a Scott Codd impression. Sorry. Oh no. I'm a little worm.

Oh no, oh no.

Did you guys see the lineup just got announced for Lollapalooza?

I didn't see who's playing.

Here's what I'll say.

Did you do that thing where you count up how many bands you know and that's your age or whatever?

I was literally going to say, I haven't done that, but I was literally going to say, I recognize six bands on this list. And five of them are the headliners.

Yeah, I guess it doesn't count. You have to like skip the first three lines of the Lollapalooza poster.

Okay. The only, there's like, there's like 80 names off to the side and smaller print. There's one I recognize from that and that is Carly Rae Jepsen. And I guess I've heard of Pusha T, but I couldn't name a single song. And then from the headliners, I only recognize a couple. Kendrick Lamar, Billie Eilish, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lana Del Rey, know all of them. Also headliners Odessa, Carol G, Tomorrow Times Together. When did I get so old?

You're not old.

They keep doing it, man. The Lollapalooza keeps doing it to us, huh? They keep doing it to us. I'm not old, I'm just drawn that way.

I'm googling it and I'm reading all these names.

Fuck these assholes trying to introduce us to new music. Yeah, no thanks. These fucking clowns, Lollapalooza.

Give us something for the old heads. I guess that's what Red Hudson is.

I don't like this poster. Whatever happened to like the day that they're performing and then other bands under the headliner.

Because this is the year and graphic designers got to eat too. Okay. We keep churning these motherfuckers out. We keep sending them to college for God knows what reason. They got to do something. Okay.

Sylvan Esso.

They're great live. They're good. That's a band name, not a person.

Yeah. That's two people.

Okay, now I know that Sylvan Esso can be two people. I do want to play a quick game. This is something I'm coming up with on the spot just because I'm staring at this. I don't know if this will be successful or fun, but we're going to play it. I'm going to name a band in the small print.

That's how Trebek used to start out, Every Jeopardy.

I hope this will be fun or good, but this is Jeopardy. I'm going to name a band in the sort of small print stables, what I'll call it, the non-hairliners. And I want you to just name what you think one of their song titles would be based on their name.

Based on their band name.

Love it. Song title or if you want to sing a quick lyric, whatever you want to do, but preferably song title. Okay. Okay. JPC, are you ready to go first?

I will go first, yeah.

Timmy Trumpet.

Okay, so Timmy Trumpet. Timmy Trumpet feels like maybe it's EDM, so I'm going to say he's got a song that just says like XO Smash.

Okay, Erin. Holly Humberstone.

I sang it instead of, because it technically doesn't have a name.

Yeah, I like that. It's almost like that. It's almost that song. Okay, JPC, you're up next again. You're up next? Oh god! The continent has fallen! This is going to be... Ooh! Grease? This is, for all you grease heads out there, this band is called Beauty School Dropout.

Wow, the band is called Beauty School Dropout. Oh god, I feel like Beauty School Dropout has two different vibes to me. They have, it's like doo-wop and pop-punk, so I'm gonna split the difference. No, well, no. Nope, not gonna say that. I almost did it and then I caught myself. Almost. I didn't realize what I was saying. God, beauty school dropout. I'm sure that they have a song called Seventeen.

Yes.

No matter what genre they are, they should have a song called Seventeen.

A hundred percent. Erin, next up is Destroy Lonely. Oh, Destroy Lonely.

Their top hit is called Hugs, Hugs, Hugs.

They're sort of like a mental health band. Yeah, of course. Mental health medal. Here's final two. JPC, you're getting the cream of the crop. This is the best one on here. I just saw it. And if this person, if anyone knows this person, it could be a band, might be a person, anyone knows this person, we need them to record some sort of song for us. JBC, this is, holy shit, I can't believe I'm saying this. This is someone or a band named Josh Fudge, which is the most Hey Riddle Riddle name I've ever heard. Please let us know what Josh Fudge sings or maybe even a little vibe.

In my opinion, what Josh Fudge does is he does those little political piano parodies. Josh Fudge, look, I don't know what a song would be, but Josh Fudge definitely has an album called Table Scraps.

Oh my gosh, I looked him up and he's precious.

Oh. Josh Fudge. Protected to fit our Josh Fudges.

Josh Fudge, I would die for you.

Erin, can I ask, just to make sure, because in my mind's eye I have a clear image of what he looks like. Is it an 11 year old kid with chocolate smeared all over the whole of his mouth?

No, but I know Josh Fudge and he would laugh at that assumption.

Erin, I have a clear mental picture of what Josh Fudge is. I'm just going to ask you, is it cartoon turtle, big Coke bottle, lenses on the glasses, top hat, smoking a pipe?

You're the closest without going over.

Well now I do want to see a scene. This is a, what do you call it, the big speech for graduation. Commencement speech. This is a commencement speech for we'll say Rutgers and they have booked famous alumni Josh Fudge. Unfortunately they got the wrong Josh Fudge. This Josh Fudge is a talking turtle with big old bottle glasses and so you are giving the commencement speech to a very confused graduating class.

Wait, who's the turtle?

I'm sorry, you were.

JPC. Damn it. For a minute there, I was like, maybe I won't have to be the turtle who has to do the speech. Well, well, well, well, thank you so much, Mr. President, for having me here. What a year it's been, huh? What a year it's been. 2023. And I see about 2023 of you out there. It's a big graduating class.

Who is that?

As you all may know, my name is Josh Fudge. I don't know why I was asked to be here. Didn't go to the school. Never went to any school. How many fingers do turtles have? You should just look down. Just musings. And that's something to keep in mind. Look down. Now look up. Look to your left. Look to your right. I've lost my car keys. I broke here and I don't laugh. A VW bug. I know. A turtle and a bug. What is this? But it's true. Why do you have note cards if this is your speech? They're all jumbled up. This is my speech but it's in jumbled up order. I dropped them right before I came on. I don't really think we ever got Bin Laden. I think we killed him. I just don't think we understood him.

The pause before you said that is heavenly.

Absolutely perfect. Just to make sure this has never been done before, I just want to Google Josh Fudge talking turtle never got Bin Laden. Yeah, I think this is one of our first holy original scenes.

Wow. Well, Josh Fudge, consider me your biggest fan. I will become obsessed with you and super into your music. We will all go to your concerts and everybody check out Josh Fudge. You'd be like, why didn't I just get a bunch of fans on a Thursday show up and say, hey, Riddle Riddle sent me.

Post World News, post Hey Riddle Riddle Live, anytime I'm out on the street, if I see anyone wearing Josh Fudge merch, I will make a beeline to talk to you. If there's other people who are like, if my mom is there after a show, no, no, no, no. Straight to the Josh Fudge merch. I will go see Josh Fudge anytime he's in the Tri-State area.

Oh, if you're in Oklahoma City, you can go see him May 20th.

We're going to start selling Josh Fudge's merch on our website.

Yes. And of course, Josh Fudge. We're talking about Josh Fudge, the talking turtle.

I absolutely love the merch too. It's awesome.

Can you put it in the chat? I got to see this merch. Should we, should we become a Josh Fudge cast?

Yeah, we finally have a new excuse.

Okay. Is, hold on. Is the person modeling this merch, is that Josh Fudge?

Let me see. Yes, it is.

Okay.

Are you as in love as I am?

Huge fan. I love this merch, love this style. What a happy coincidence.

Now, do we know... Oh, so Josh Fudge is from Oklahoma City. Okay, cool. So Josh Fudge appears to be what would happen if you put Ed Sheeran in a machine that sucks all the British out. That's what I think. I guess I was closest with the turtle thing. I said glasses.

I said glasses. I'd like to see all the perverts going up to that machine. Oh yeah mate, I'm British. Can I get that machine that sucks all the British out? You're not British.

Now, now, now. It only works if you're British, otherwise it just gives you indescribable sexual gratification. You're sure you're British then?

Everyone race over to Twitter and follow at underscore Josh Fudge, spelled the way you think, and give Josh Fudge a follow. Although right now he has 311 followers and we love 311 as well. Ooh.

Let's get him up to 420 by the end of the day, shall we?

Let's get him to 420. His new album Technicolor is out now. I am obsessed with Josh Fudge now. Have you ever been to Oklahoma City? Once.

I've driven through it once, yeah. Once and I will say.

It's a drive-thru. I will say it had some surprisingly good food and a really cool improv scene. The surrounding area is maybe my least favorite part of the US, driving through Oklahoma. But Oklahoma City, I thought, was better than I had imagined it.

We gotta go. We gotta go to Oklahoma City. We gotta go.

Warren Buffett, is that right?

Warren Peace.

Warren Peace. It was written there. Dostoyevsky. Let's go do some more riddles.

Love it.

Although now I'm wondering if I should reach out to Josh Fudge to see if he would be on a Patreon.

You should. I'll interview him. I love him.

We should first listen to a single song and then go from there. But I got to say, immediately in love with Josh Fudge. Okay, here we go. Pronounces one letter. And so this is sort of like an old timey rhyme where it's like said as if some little elf is singing it. Like a scamp. Like a little scamp comes out of the woods and poses a riddle and will kill you if you don't get it right. Pronounces one letter and written with three, two letters there are, two only and me. I'm double, I'm single. I'm black, blue, and gray. I'm red from both ends and the same either way. What am I?

I'll tell you what, I'm killing this scamp. This scamp is a dead bear. It comes out of the, it comes out of the jungle saying this shit to be. Walking Dead, my friend.

Okay, roll for... roll for cowardice.

Oh man, I got huge modifiers in cowardice. Just backing down. Okay, so what's this little elfin creature saying to me now? Is he right? Is it the alphabet? Can we just be done? It's not the alphabet. That's a great guess.

It had been five years of doing this.

And he's doubles, he's triples, he's singles, he's what? Well, triples is best. Triples is best. Pronounced as one letter and written with three.

Pronounced as one letter.

Oh my gosh.

You guys, I just realized that if we do the amount of Hey Riddle Riddle that we've already done, again, we will have done Hey Riddle Riddle for 10 years.

What? That can't be right.

Isn't that, if we just, if you double what we've already done, that's 10 years. Don't do that.

Don't double it.

No, I'm just saying though is like if we do what we already did, which doesn't even feel like it's that long, should a Riddle podcast exist for 10 years?

What you're talking about is linear time. You're talking about five years plus five more. That's linear time. But I would like to invite you to consider it as more like a pyramid where we've climbed up for five years and now we're gonna go back down for five years. So basically what we're gonna do is we're gonna eliminate the last five years by doing five more.

Well, here's what we do. To further JPC's analogy, we go up for five years, we go down for five years, then we go back for five years to the beginning point to make a true triangle. True triangle.

That's 15 years of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, I just got a shiver.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. No, I love it. 40 more years.

So it's pronounced as one letter, right? It's pronounced as one letter. So this is like A or like B, you know?

Or like C or like D. Hey, except I think except for D, all of those were correct. Well, A I'm thinking as A-Y-E, B I'm thinking B-E-E, C I'm thinking S-E-A. So it's very much what you just described. I don't know if D is a proper name maybe, but... D-E-E? Sure, we'll count that. But pronounces one letter and written with three. So that's, I mean, you've gotten the framing of it. Yeah. So from there, two letters there are, wait, two letters there are, two only and me. Okay. So two letters there are, meaning there's only two letters in this word. Okay. And two only in me. So the elf is saying there's only two in me as well.

Wait, what does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? I'm grabbing it by the little shirt collar and I'm shaking it a little bit. I don't know who my dad is. What does that mean? So would that be like B? B-E-E.

Tie his shoelaces together. I'm going to tie this elf's shoelaces together while we continue this, Riddle.

No.

Just tie my shoelace to the elf's shoelace. That would inextricably bother.

Brothers. So, JPC, you're exactly right in that it's like B, because with B, it's pronounced as one letter, but written with three, and there's only two letters. There's a B and an E, although we use the E twice, but you do have to solve the riddle of there's only two in me when the elf gestures towards himself.

And is he an elf?

What's up? There's only two in me.

Oh, oh, oh, I got it.

It's I. It is I. Yes. I'm double I'm single. I'm black, blue, and gray as you poke one of them out. I'm red from both ends, meaning I is the same backwards and forwards.

Oh my God. This is a good riddle. This is actually a good riddle.

I'm red from both ends. Sounds like when I eat spicy food. Wow. And the two ends are my mouth. And Erin, you're going to love this. My butt.

And Erin, do you want to do this for 44 years? I do want to see a scene. Okay. JPC, you're a little wood elf who comes out of the works to pose a riddle to a traveler. Erin, you're a traveler who is just so fucking exhausted and over it and you've run into so many of these little magical creatures and you are just at your absolute wits end.

And just so everybody knows, I'll play regular characters too. I'm happy to play your little elves and your little turtles all day, but if you just, if you, oh, okay, no.

Okay JBC, you're just the guy in the woods, Erin.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, miss.

Yes.

No. No, no, no. You crossed the line. You stepped into my wonderful magical territory.

Shadow. Water. No. Your name is Grumpo.

I don't have riddles for you, but if you want to leave, you have to play my game. I'm going.

It's Monopoly. Nope. No.

And I gotta be honest, I don't have most of the pieces.

Right. And then you get my first horn son if I don't do this?

Yeah. No. I don't want a baby. I've got so many of these little babies I'm about to feed. And they eat all my monopoly pieces.

I'm going to head out. Which is very bad for babies. So nice meeting you.

No, no, no, no. Hello. Hello. You just walked away and I'm right here.

Yeah. You ran up, caught up to me, and now you're super out of breath.

So what I said is still real.

Okay.

We cut little later that day.

Hey, uh, Schmazherstone. I saw what happened in the forest today and I don't think I'm attracted to you anymore.

Damn, Schmazherstone. I think this little creature's talking to you. Were you in the forest earlier?

Oh, it's me. That's funny. That is funny.

I saw how you treated one of my brethren. I was just getting coffee at the Starbucks. I think this little forest creature might be talking to you.

Oh, is it? And it's not referring to the little forest creature that did a bad job in the woods? You're subtracting expectations and improv? You know what? I want all of Starbucks to hear this. Sometimes going from A to C in improv is shitty. And this is not one of those times that worked great.

I have a latte for Smasher Stone.

That's me! Smasher Stone was the lady the whole time, human lady with the crazy name.

Hey, Smasher Stones can be women. I'm gonna name my daughter Smasher Stone, Erin. How about that?

A boy and his father are in a car accident. A boy and his father are in a car accident.

The father dies. The boy's at the hospital. And the Smasher Stone looks down and says... It's a Smasher Stone with a mother. Correct.

I know this one.

Anytime someone starts telling you that Riddle from now on, you have to be like, the mother's a Smasher Stone. Easy. Doctor's a Smasher Stone who's a mother.

They immediately take you to the R for stroke. Are we on a riddle? No, we just finished a riddle, which was I. Okay. And JPC, I have to applaud you. In that scene, when I mentioned Smasher Stone and it turned out to be Erin, you played a normal, we assume, normal human in a Starbucks. Wow. Dreams really do come true. And I'd say 10 out of 10.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal.

Okay.

You are like JP Riddles' cousin. And you can come up with whatever his name is. And JPC, you are a totally normal guy. The most normal guy that's ever been on Hey Riddle Riddle. And you're just meeting this JP Riddles type.

Mm-hmm. Unlocking my apartment door, opening it up.

Oh, hello, Shai. If I made my shelf at home, I ate your comforter. My name is BP Snoozles, and I hope I can stay for the year.

Oh my god. Oh, sorry. Just doing some incantations so that my pee goes directly in my mouth.

Stop, stop. Please stop peeing in my house. How did you get in here? How did you get in my apartment?

Oh, start shitting. Well, of course. BP Snoozles knows all the ways into a house. There's up ways, down ways, sideways, wonk away, snoozles ways. I broke your window.

Yeah, I saw. I saw. You're also bleeding pretty bad. Did you break it with your hand? I cut my carotid artery.

That's not your hand. Any time I mention a body part, I have to say it like Ace Ventura. Look, carotid artery. Let me show you something. No, sorry. That's not, that's not Ace Ventura. That's Fire Marshal Bill.

Yep. Look, BP, what's your name? BP's neutral, that's your service. Let me hand you one of my business cards. Of course, this is just a craft single with my name tattooed into it with turtle blood.

Okay. Yeah. And this does it. Honestly, this looks maybe like it's like a knockoff craft single. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Well, that's craft with a C, of course. And it's not a single, it's a double. Meaning that's my bed. That's why I sleep. Those are my twins. Can I introduce me to my wife? This is my wife, A.A.

Razzles. Ow! I can't punch my way through the window without her just as much as he said it would. Hello!

Jesus, just the door's still open. Just come in through the front door if you're gonna come in.

Honey, what's my name again? Honey, what's my name?

A.A. Dazzles, I think.

Hey Adazals, that's your service. Look, here's my business card. Stop, please. It's a bunch of human hair.

No, no. Listen, you two freaks, you gotta go, okay?

Oh, thank you Ashante. Yes, freak. Is that Ashanti? Oh, let's put on some Ashanti.

No, listen to Ashanti. Listen, I am a normal guy, okay? I just wanted to come home to my apartment. It's been a long day at work. I just wanted to sit in my bathtub, poop in there, and eat baseball cards. Do you have any mail? You two freakin' weirdos are now in my house, you're messing up my whole rest of my night.

Oh please, you're one of us.

Did you just hear yourself? You want to eat baseball cards?

You're not normal. You're not normal. I've been wearing blanket as a cape. I'm gonna call a bunch of pizza places and tell them I can solve their crimes.

Okay, let me take out my wand, and a one, and a two, and I got my own eye out, and a bang, you're now one of us.

Do you have any milk from my bowl of hair? Please.

Seed. Seed.

Wow, wow, wow. JPC, you got jealous of how much fun we got to have not being your own, so you had to change your character.

The JP Riddle started leaking through, can never be the straight man.

Actually, you know what? Normal is not something that you get to define. Okay, society defines normal. And society says that you're allowed to sit in your bathtub pooping there and eat baseball cards. So that's actually pretty fucking normal.

Huh.

Pretty cool.

And Josh Fudge, if you're listening, if you want to write a song about that, please do.

And Josh Fudge, if you're listening, please stop listening. You got better things to do Josh Fudge. You got your whole life in front of you.

You're playing Lollapalooza. Hit us up if you want Rex for Chicago.

Or if you need a place to crash.

Or if you need a place to crash. I would house a Josh Fudge. I'd have to talk to my wife. But I would house a Josh Fudge.

I would house a Josh Fudge and I dare say, I would also have to talk to my wife.

Erin?

I want to share clothes with Josh Fudge.

Interesting.

Contact me.

I think I am going to order that Josh Fudge shirt with like the Technicolor man walking.

I know. I was thinking we should all order one and then wear it to the LA Live Show.

I like that. Well, if he's staying at my house, I'm definitely going to be wearing the merch. No, don't scare, that'll scare him. I'm not, I'm an old Josh Fudge head from way back.

I think we've already scared him.

Do we have time? Let's do one more riddle.

Sure.

Okay. Yeah. Rearrange the letters, nor do we, to make one word.

Norwegian.

Okay.

Dummy.

Play it on guitar.

Easy.

I once met a girl, or should I say she once met me. That's not the lyrics.

Can you read it again?

Rearrange the letters nor do we to make one word. Nor do we.

Okay. Okay. I'm getting my little typer out. I'm getting my typer out. I got to type these in. I got to see this. Nor do we. Nor do we.

Okay. Erin, where's the W?

Downer.

We donor.

Does downer work?

Downer. Did I ever tell you guys my doner kebab story?

My food story in Copenhagen? No. Copenhagen has some very good Middle Eastern restaurants. So I go to a Middle Eastern restaurant. I think I ordered doner kebab. Uh, which is what they call it over there. And so I order some Middle Eastern food. The guy behind the counter is clearly Middle Eastern. Um, so I'm feeling a connection and he's, uh, he, um, asks about my name or something. I go, oh yeah, I'm in a Middle Eastern. And he goes, oh cool. Cause he sees my credit card over. So he rings me up, he gets there, he goes, he goes, uh, 15 minutes. So I go to sit down, I'm on my phone, five minutes pass and the guy go, and I'm kind of, uh, I kind of stand up to linger and he goes, Israeli. And I go, huh? And he goes, Israeli. And I go, oh no, a Palestinian. He goes, Israeli. And I go, uh, no, a Palestinian. Adal Rifai. And he goes, Israeli. And I go, I start to shrug. I go, I don't know what, and he goes, your food, Israeli. I go, oh, my food is ready.

Perfect miscommunication.

And then you get it and it just hummus.

Is the word wooden?

Wooden?

That doesn't work.

Erin, where's the argo? Woodherd. So around the house, Jim and I will always, when we're done cooking food, we'll say Israeli. Think of this as less of a question. Rearrange the letters, nor do we, to make one word. Is it the word windor? Which is Samuel L. Jackson's character in Star Wars.

My windor is so dirty. I gotta wash my windor.

Mace Windor? Mace Windor. Rearrange the letters nor do we to make one word. Period. No question mark.

Warden. Is it just, is the answer just like, no, I don't want to do that? Is the answer, please don't make me do that.

JPC, you're so close. You're so close with you're frustrated. Is it just this? Nor do we. Rearrange the letters nor do we to make one word.

Oh, is it just one word?

JBC ding ding ding. It is one word. And isn't that fun?

Hang up. Hang up podcast.

Hang it up.

Disconnecting podcast.

I don't like that. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say about that one. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

No. Check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle for way better episodes and content. We won't do riddles over there. We're way nicer, way cooler, way more fun. Adal, anything to plug?

I do have something to plug. This is kind of embarrassing for Erin. I want to plug Josh Fudge. We mentioned- Yes. Wow. Of course. Sorry. Yes. Please check out Josh Fudge. And we're sincere about this. This isn't some sort of like, isn't this funny? Sincerely, big fan of the aesthetic and all that. So I'm excited to listen to Josh Fudge. I also recently did a guest appearance on the podcast, Almost Plausible. So please check out my appearance on Almost Plausible, which is hard to say. Almost Plausible. I guess it's not that hard.

JVC, do you have anything to- You just said it like four fucking times. Easy. Are you telling me you were having a tough time saying it? In my head I was. Welcome back to this episode. Consistently makes me laugh out loud if other humor podcasts aren't weird enough for you. Try Hey Riddle Riddle. And you know what? I think we've proven that we deserve that five star review today. So thank you so much. Nora Taki. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Fantastic. Well, Erin, I'm actually I'm looking at the Lolluza lineup here and there is another band that I feel like I have heard of them. They sound somehow sound familiar.

Jupiter Fudge.

No, it's Chromio.

Oh.

Bye forever. Chromio's playing?

Bitch mode. Erin has gone bitch mode.

Hey there dads and jokes, if you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We get into some dad jokes, and they're pretty punny. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew, and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!