Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Well, well, well, what do we have here? No, no, no, no.

I was calling Adal Miss Yawn and now Miss Yawn. Miss Yawn. Mystery Yawn.

Wow.

Oh, my face.

He stabbed him with the knife.

Hey Adal. Thanks so much for coming to meet with me.

Is this my performance review?

In a way. It's always ongoing.

I brought you a cake. Here you go.

Oh, thank you so much.

I didn't have time to frost it or bake it.

Noted.

That's just a bowl of mix.

Oh goodness. Well, you know how we talked about replacing JPC as a host?

Yes.

Well, I'm bringing someone a new guy in today. He has one little quirk in that his voice changes unexpectedly to these like crazy voices all the time.

It's like an impressionist. It's like rich little or rich little or... Hey, am I early?

Yes!

Come on in! I'm so sorry if I'm early.

I bought everybody cupcakes. Great! Help yourself to some of this uncooked cake if you want it.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. I came late. I didn't have time totally to cook it, but they are cut-sized.

Be polite, Adal. Don't call it out.

I mean, there's just a lot going on.

Oh, you're Adal. Oh my God. I'm a huge magic timer. It's so nice to meet you.

On Shante, it is always a pleasure to meet a fan. Do you want to... You want me to autograph your forehead or something?

Uh, yeah, if you wouldn't mind. If you wouldn't mind throwing a quick autograph on my forehead, I'd love that.

Wait a minute, Erin. He's stealing Puzbot. That's basically Puzbot. Listen.

I mean, there can be two.

Yeah, I mean, I think there could definitely be two Puzzbots. If it's a big deal, I mean, look, I'm excited to work on the show in any capacity. Whether if I'm Puzzbot or not, I could do it.

His voice doubled down and became even more Puzzbot.

Erin, are you not hearing this? Adal, you don't need to be jealous. He's not gonna replace us. And I don't think that there's a Coco Cashmere voice on there, so I feel pretty safe.

Look. I definitely don't want to replace anyone. I'm not trying to be like the new Erin Keif. I don't want anyone to confuse me to be the new Erin Keif. That's not what I'm trying to do. Sounds like you're sort of trying to find a voice where that's what that will do.

Yeah, it seems like this guy's scrambling to find an Erin Keif film.

I'm not here for that. I'm just here to be normal. I want to be a part of the show, a normal part of the show.

Oh my god, that sounds just like me. Adal, make it stop.

Oh, that is basically Erin. Wait, I don't know which one's talking.

Oh man. I don't know if this is going to work out, sir. I really appreciate you coming over.

Hey, what the fuck is this? Who is this little thing? What is this creature? That's little monkey bones. This is not little monkey bones. I can see it has human fingers. Little monkey bones have, I think, little paper. Oh, that's little bony monks.

Okay, JBC, I'll put it all out there. We were trying to replace you, but you're irreplaceable.

Okay, opens window, picks up little thing, tosses it out window. Fuck that little thing.

That was a human person. That was a person.

It's flying so I doubt it. It's like flying into the sky. I'm falling downward, it's not flying, JPC. It's all relative, right? What is the sky, honestly?

Well JPC, now that you're here, would you like to record an episode?

Hell no, bitch. I ain't recording this show. I ain't recording shit, and that's facts.

You should only call me bitch if you have that delightful little voice, popular.

No, no, no, no. I do like to record the show. I'll record. I'll record the show.

Okay.

Oh wait, Erin, there's someone else at the door. Hello, this is someone new. Yes, I'm someone new. And I'm here to audition. To be the host of Hey Riddle Riddle. Let's just start the show.

Let's start the show. Oh, baby Howard Dean, thank you so much.

And I will never, ever replace Casey. There's no way to replace Casey. Here's what I think we need.

I think... That's our clown.

Benny Hill, I think every episode we need to do a Howard Dean scream through a different filter. Yeah, I believe so. Just so we can cover the gamut of all the possible Dean Screams out there. The Dean Screams... Okay.

Wait, I guess I have a soundboard as well.

Well, I think we've just turned into a morning zoo crew.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's just get into riddles. I guess no one has any bullshit they want to talk about, so let's just get into riddles.

Well I did, but in the middle of talking I was honked and farted.

Adal, I'm trying to save you.

We have a good time here, we have a good time here Adal. Hey, can I tell you something? I actually did have something I wanted to tell the two of you. I did something that was like a day one Chicago thing, but it was a first for me last night. And I did the Adler Planetarium. I did their like Adler After Dark. We went and saw one of their like light, like not light shows, but like star shows or whatever. And then afterwards I went to a place that I've never been before. I went to Portillo's and I got myself a cake shake. How do you feel? Have you ever had a fucking cake shake?

I've had a cake shake and I've had a Portillo's birthday cake and the secret to it is they put in like three gallons of mayonnaise per cake because it's so moist, it's so good, it's so creamy. I don't typically like cake. Portillo's cake is delicious.

Erin, are you familiar with a cake shake?

Yes, I am. Very.

Okay. So for people who are not familiar, what they do is they take a full slice of cake and then they kind of make a milkshake out of it, but it's mostly just drinking a slice of cake.

So good.

Uh, it was the first time I've ever had it. My mind was absolutely blown. I kept telling Mariah, I was like, I'm not even getting any milkshake in this. I feel like I'm just drinking cake through a straw. And it's like the cake is so moist that it kind of works. But I will say we got down to the bottom of the cup and I was like, that was delicious. And then there was just like maybe like three inches of cake at the bottom of the cup. That was unblended. We were like, should we eat a spoon for this?

Free bonus cake.

Yeah, it was free bonus cake. And Portillas also, I didn't know this, but they have vegan Chicago dogs. And so I had a vegan Chicago dog and it was, you know what? I think it was vegan. It was vegetarian at least. But it was good. Man, I love a fucking Chicago dog. I know they get hate, but I love them.

Their Chicago dogs are delicious. Also, their fries are maybe my favorite fries in Chicago. Their fries were very hot.

I lived right by there during the pandemic, and especially during the pandemic when I'd go for my walks. The car line for the drive-through was outrageous. It was like, went blocks and blocks and blocks. I'd be like, what is happening? Why is there so much traffic? I'd be like, oh, it's just a Tuesday afternoon and people are sad and they're waiting in line forever for Portillo's.

Uh, Mariah said that it was in and out level lines. It felt it, cause they had like people working outside and by the way, we went in Chicago and it was actually kind of nice out. It was like 40 degrees, but I felt so bad for the people who are working outside in the line. I'm like, I get it in LA when people are standing outside taking orders, but I'm like, this is Chicago. Like you don't, you can't be doing that. Like that sucks.

They opened up one maybe 18, 15, 18 minutes away from us, JPC, in the suburbs. And I was like, oh, thank God. I no longer have to wait in huge lines. And I drove out there to get some sweet, sweet Portillo's. And the line was even longer. The line was like 85 cars deep. And I was like, mother fuck.

The one that we went to, it's like the one on Addison right by the highway. Oh yeah. It's relatively new and it's pretty close, but it was, again, it was, you know, it was like a fucking, what? Wednesday night and the line was out the block. It was insane. People in Chicago must really fucking love portillo's, but honestly, after having that cake shake, I'm a convert. What did you think of? I can't have one. Maybe I'll have one every 10 years, but it was very good.

So you mentioned you went to Portillo's for the first time ever, and you talked five minutes about how great it was. You mentioned Adler Planetarium's After Dark program, and you immediately moved on to Portillo's.

How was Adler Planetarium? It was as good as the cake shake. But I will say, the Adler Planetarium is cool, and it was like a fun date night spot because it's free. It's like on Wednesdays, they do like an After Dark, and it's free. And then you can buy tickets for the light show, which I think was, or the star show, which is a little bit of money. But I was like, oh, this is a cool date spot. I saw, we saw so many like teens on dates and I could only assume I'm like, oh, this is like a free kind of cool like date spot. I was like, this is, this is perfect if you're like a teen, right? Like, especially if you're a teen that's like lives downtown-ish.

Can I tell you the two things Adalo Planetarium is? Teens on dates, adults on drugs. I have never not gone there.

You know that's a good location.

I have never not gone there and seen 15 people clearly on mushrooms. Just like, oh.

The light show was great. There was two huge pops in the light show. At one point, all the lights like changed and they were like the stars were moving across the sky. And this little girl, she must have been like probably like three, four years old. She just goes, Wow. It was completely silent and everybody laughed like it was awesome.

That's fantastic.

And then at one point they were showing Mars and like Mars was really big on the screen. And again, it was a different little girl, but there was a little girl in the audience goes, I could touch it.

Angels. So JBC, I guess my big question for you is if you had to save one, would you save space or cake shakes?

I mean, look, I went to the Adler Planetarium. I experienced the infinite, the unknown, the galaxy spreading out before me, and I touched what I could only describe as the face of God, and then I went and had one of those fucking cake shakes and I said, nah, there ain't nothing out there. It's all on Earth, baby. It's all in this cup. This is it. This is the end all be all. It's cake shakes, baby.

It's cake shakes. This tastes better than the magic of the nighttime sky. I think I've told you guys the ice story. I don't know. An ex of mine used to work at Adal Rifai and did tours. And at the end of the tour, they hold this giant chunk of ice and they're like, this is from space. This is like space ice. If you want to touch this, this like broke off of the moon or whatever, whatever it is, Jupiter. Sure. So, oh, don't end this show. So it's like a giant, it's like shaped chunk of ice and the kids would touch it and then the adults will be like, oh, that's fun. And then the kids would walk away and Almost 85% of the time the parents would linger after and go, is that really from space?

Look, look, that had nothing to do with your story.

Yes it did.

They gotta take this sound board away from me. I can't be here with this.

Casey said, I asked for a small cake shake before and they laughed. That's so funny.

It's on the menu, but no one's ever ordered it before.

Well, do we want to get into Riddles?

We don't have to. I guess so.

Okay. So let's play that Molly's Riddle Book theme.

It's time for Molly's Riddle Books.

Hey, we are back with some more of Molly's Riddle books. You are single-handedly holding up all of my episodes, Molly, and I appreciate that. Thank you, Molly. Okay. Remember, this book that I'm reading from is very, very old and is not respectful to women or children. Let's get into it. Why are children like flannel?

Ooh. Why are children like flannel?

Adal, I mean, this has one of your favorite words in it.

Because they're stacked in my closet?

What? I'm the bad guy? That was a kid killing joke.

No, hold on. In the joke, they're alive.

Okay, why are children like flannel?

And this is, you're not going to get this. Because they hang around trees, because they, something to do with lumberjacks. Because they're warm in the winter, they keep you warm in the winter. Because they warm your chest. They warm your heart.

Now that's a much sweeter. The answer is because they shrink from washing. Like kids don't want, they shrink away from wanting to take a bath.

Oh my god. They shrink away.

Ugh.

Fuck that.

What two vegetables begin and end with this... Sorry.

Hold on. Erin, can I please see a scene?

Are you sure?

I think so.

Yeah.

So, Erin, you are a young child in like the 1900s, early 1900s. JBC, you are this child's parent. Okay. And you're trying to get them in the bath.

No, no, no.

Now I won't have it. I won't have it, you see. You must take a bath. You're absolutely filthy. We can see the flies dancing atop your head.

Why should I respect you? We've only met twice.

That's true. On the day you were born, when you came out of your mother, God rest her soul, and I said, we'll call this one Matthew or Danny or some such, and the second day, when I welcomed you home from the boarding school I shipped you off to.

No, no, no, Father. I will not. I will not take a bath.

Why? You're being absolutely petulant. Petulant, I say. If you won't take a bath, I guess I have no choice but to call up your supervisor in the mines and tell them you're signing up for an extra shift on Saturday.

Father, no. I'm only two weeks from retirement.

No, no, no. Black lung pish posh. You'll work in the mine on Saturday and you'll work a ten hour shift for four nickels.

You're humiliating me, Father. I have children of my own and those children have children. Father, what's going on? Are you in trouble? No, son. Go back to the mines. Your shift is starting. Yes, you're right.

See? Look how your son listens and respects you. If only I could have that from my boy. And me, a man of 27. And I'm being disrespected in such a way. See?

Fun. Okay.

So now we get a sense, I get it now. Erin, after hearing that scene, after listening to it and seeing it, I get a sense for the people who wrote this Riddle book. Back then was so different. You were dead by 27.

I appreciate you needing to empathize with them, but I don't think we need to. We don't need to understand these motherfuckers.

Fuck this book.

Good. What two vegetables begin and end with two letters in the same order?

Hey Riddle. They begin and end with the same letter in the same order. So they begin, would this be like an abocabo, but it would be AB and it would end in AB as well?

Yeah. So like hypothetically, if there was a vegetable that was spelled A-V-G-A-V.

I see. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. A-V-G-A-V.

Okay.

We'll get the easy one. Easy one out of the way first. Banana Bub. Absolutely. Banana Bub.

Bonanima. It's Bonanima, right? That would be it.

Have you ever had a Bonanima? They put a Bonanima in your... Okay, I don't... It's gonna get pretty graphic, but... Pete doesn't have any.

No, no, I got a Bonanima from a cloud. He was a wonderful cloud. Where's that honk? Mm-hmm. No honk? Wow, fuck, fuck, fuck.

No, that's the wrong one.

Oh no.

But is it in a way kind of the right one?

That's kind of the right one. Okay, let's go through our vegetables.

If one is a controversial vegetable because people are always like... Tomato. Yeah.

Tomatoes, Tomatoes, Tomatoes, Tomatoes, Tomatoes, Tomatoes, Tomatoes.

Throwing themselves at this stage.

They're embarrassing their wives. So we have to pay now. All right, we'll take some out. Cucumber couldn't be. Kale, not. Celery, no thanks.

I cook with this vegetable a lot.

Onion. Yeah. And we've established before, Erin, the best thing in the world, the sexiest, the most phenomenal, the best smelling, the greatest thing in the world,

Excuse me. I just had a banana. I'm gonna ban you. Let him say garlic, olive oil, and onion please.

If you heat up some olive oil, toss in some chapter minced garlic and some chapter minced onion, and just stir that around with a wooden spoon. It's the greatest thing in the world.

I want a candle that smells like that so bad.

I want cologne that smells like that. People walk by and go, what are you cooking?

Yes, it's my new scent.

I love that. I love that it's cologne because people will be like, what's going on?

It smells so good. Adal, you're a tomato. JPC, you're an onion and you two are sitting on a kitchen counter trying to guess at what meal you're both going to be cooked into right now.

Tacos. It's always tacos.

No, it's not gonna be tacos.

It's always tacos.

If it was tacos, wouldn't we see a head of lettuce here? But no, Jerry's still in the fridge. Okay.

So I'm here and you're here.

And we think it's probably not lettuce, so we're not gonna... It's definitely not a salad. No, it's not a salad, which is great.

It's not tacos if I'm still in the fridge. Yeah, Jerry, did you say that? Can't really hear so good.

Okay, so here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I'm not chopped yet, and neither are you. So it's like, you know, we're not gonna be marinating, right? Because obviously...

Before she took me out of the fridge, Erin said to me, no one will ever love you. So what she was trying to do was crush me. Crush tomatoes, onion, we're gonna be in pasta. Tom, Tom. Some cavitapi. What?

Tom. She was saying that to herself. You don't say it in a low whisper so that only a tomato can hear it if it's to the tomato.

She would say that to herself. To be fair, she shined me on her shirt first and then I guess saw her reflection in me, which has got to be pretty tough. I mean, I'll be honest with you.

There are times where I'm on the counter and I can see that she's crying and I'm like, she hasn't even cut into me yet. What's going on? Because it's not your blood. It's not my blood that's doing it. It's not my, oh my god, my blood's so sad. It's not my sad blood that's doing it.

Hey, I have an idea. Follow my lead. No, what's my name? Huh? What's my name? I said your name was Tom. Oh, your name's Orion. Yep. Hey, Erin. Hey, Erin.

Huh. These two aren't bad. Can't use these. Trash. Trash.

Oh, she just threw her feet in the trash.

She's stepping into the trash.

Riddle, you're worth it.

You're worth it. And we'll never know what she was making.

Wow. Rather than enjoying the scene, Erin would rather kill two pieces of perfectly good fruit and veg.

Yeah. That's a shame, Erin. That's just an absolute shame.

I'm sorry, but I'm not.

So we got both of those, tomato and onion.

Well you got both of them. Why is a woman on a desert island just like a woman in the store?

Women be stranded.

And I love this one. You love this one.

Because she's sandy? Because, okay, what does a beach in a store have in common? They both have sails. Yep. Oh, they're all out of sails. They hate sails. They lost their sails. There's no sails. Because of their sails.

If you're on a desert island and you're looking at the horizon,

Looking for sales.

They're looking for sales. In all the wrong places. Wow. Looking for sales. How about that?

All right. Next one. Actually, that's pretty good.

I'm on board with that one.

If a man smashed a clock, could he be found guilty of killing time?

Is this a law question?

If a man smashed a clock, could he be found guilty of killing time?

No, because would that be alarming? Is that the answer?

What are we doing? What are we trying to guess here?

If someone came up to me on the street and said, if a man smashed a clock, couldn't he be found guilty of killing time, I'd say, what do you need?

What do you need?

Who are you?

But I'd leave my door open because I'm curious.

Yeah, step two steps back. Take two big steps back.

You're way too close to me. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to buy us a little bit of time, JPC, and I'd like to see a scene. Erin, JPC, you are a couple stranded on an island, and Erin, you can't stop thinking about shopping.

And scene.

That's the shortest one we've ever done.

Shorter than the cocaine one with the... There were no lines to this one.

There was no lines to this one. Truly no lines. It's all in your mind's eye. Please help me, Erin. What the fuck am I even trying to guess here? Am I supposed to say that's very funny?

It's sort of funny, but to get to the funny joke, think about if you were this clock's lawyer. What would you say? Or no, if you were the man's lawyer, what would you say?

If a man smashes a clock and is guilty of killing time, know your honor, my client... This is an eye for an eye situation.

He did it as a goof, so he's only guilty of man's laughter. Man's laughter.

He's trying to find the sound quickly.

No, I had crickets ready, actually.

Um, boy oh boy. So it's something that clock did to the man.

Yeah.

So the clock is killing me. The time is killing me. Time is right.

How would a clock hit someone?

Was it something about self-defense? Oh, he had his arms out. He was trying to put hands on me. Uh, clocks have hands, right? Yeah, but what else do they do?

They have alarms. They tick-tock. They have a, there's a little bird that comes out.

Another way of saying told.

For whom the bell tolls.

It was the perfect chime.

The mouse ran down.

Hickory Dickory Dock. The man should've docked with the clock?

What's happening? Do Hickory Dickory Dock. Say it out loud and you'll find the word.

The clock struck ten. Oh, the clock struck me.

Yeah, the clock struck first. Not if the clock struck first. I'd like to see a scene. How were we supposed to... Well, JPZ, here's the thing.

There's all these old-timey terms of like, instead of shy away, it's... What was it? Something away from the bath?

And then also... So you don't know it. Here's an old-timey term. It's a word I don't know.

Well, that's what I'm saying. Instead of shy away, they said it's like, oh, shrink away. Shrink. We don't really say that anymore. We say shy away. And then we don't really say...

I do like what that was though, was that was like, that was like a joke that you have to know the set. Like that's like two old friends telling a joke they've told a thousand times. Like someone's like, Hey, do you hear about the man with the clock? And the guy's like, yeah. Like you have to be in on the joke to be able to like anticipate that next line, right?

Yes. I'd like to see a scene.

Nobody in the last 40 years says the clock struck three. Like nobody says that anymore.

Um, GPC, you are a man who's at work. Adal, you are a clock at that work and you two are about to get into a physical altercation.

Half an hour left till you're done. No. No.

What? I clocked out 20 minutes ago. What do you mean half an hour left?

If you clocked out 20 minutes ago, why are you still here? That doesn't make sense.

I'm on my lunch break. My lunch break is one hour. I should have 40 minutes left.

You think you have an hour lunch break? That's union.

That's union mandated. We're not union. I'm a Yahtzee. You have 10 minutes. I am Ayazi, okay? This might not be a union workplace, but I went to an Ayazi meeting, and I said, are these cards for everyone? And the guy goes, they are for union members, and I took one, which makes me Ayazi.

Listen, I don't play Ayazi. I don't have time to do that. I'm watching you. You need to get back to work.

You know what? You're about to get your clock cleaned. Oh yeah? Yeah, you're about to get your gears grinded, okay? Hold on, how does that, what does that, that doesn't make sense, I don't have gears. You have gears.

Oh yeah? Well my hands are at 10 and 2 and they're ready to throw down, okay? 10 and 2? My hands are raised at 10 and 2.

So it's like, what, it's like, it's like 10-10?

Oh shit.

So I look way early on my lunch break. You can go, or wait. Yeah. Yeah. Or, or I'm here too late. Or you're here too late.

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, it's my alarm clock. Hold on. Let me just smack that down. There we go.

We really need to adopt sort of like, you know how Europe has basically like military time? Oh yeah. Why don't we do that?

You tell me you're the clock. I'm just a guy.

Well, I was made this way.

Okay.

Wait, what does a military, what does a military clock look like?

I mean, they're stacked. Is there a 13? No, they're fucking big. Is there a 1,500? Tactical. The KMO. Yeah. Yeah, they're operators, man. Handsome. Oakleys, those wraparound Oakleys. Oh, Oakleys. God, have the Oakleys. Yeah, a big Oakleys. Big Oakley fans, yeah.

Jorts, probably. Jorts? Hey. For the military? Yeah, listen. Why do they feel like standard issue jorts? I'm a clock on a wall. All I know is what I hear at the water cooler. What do you hear from me?

Alright, fair enough. Do you want me to tell you how Game of Thrones ended? Because I'll tell you. Now, if you really want to get your clock cleaned, you will. Because then we'll be out in the parking lot and I'll be beating up a clock.

Oh, you're ticking me off. You are ticking me off.

Fight! Fight!

Fight! You clock sucker motherfucker. I will take you outside and put a beat down on you.

All your little minute grievances. My new, my new grievances. I'm a clock out of all. I've only heard words.

Seen.

I have a clock on the wall.

How many more clock puns do you have, though?

I would say I was at zero the entire time, so maybe I have four more? Yeah.

And I would say two. I would say hour, but like, oh, you are.

I was going to say I would never hit a grandfather, but for you, I'll make an exception.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I was going to do something with battery, assuming I'm sort of battery run clock.

Maybe there's something with the military operators in their pants of like Hickory Dockers.

Yes, yes, yes. Somebody better daylight savings you before I dress.

Yeah. Oh, am I pissed off? I am PM'd off at you or something like that.

PMS.

I gotta take this. I gotta take this. I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I have to get... Hello? It's my grandpa. Oh, it's Howard Dean being murdered? Your grandpa is Howard Dean being murdered? I have to go. I'll see you guys later.

All right, let's see if you have to break. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye. Okay, we're back. I promise you I will not be using the soundboard until I find another reason to do it, which will be in minutes, probably. Hopefully I forget about this and it never makes another appearance on an episode. Speaking of something that I forgot about, and it's to this date not made an appearance on an episode, We got a little gift, and I think we all decided we're going to give it to Casey, is that right? That's right, yes. So this came in our mail, and we're not going to play a theme, and it was from Rin, and that's all it said. Rin left a note, and it said, fine, I'll do it. Heart Rin. And they sent us this, Casey, and I think that we're going to have you take this and maybe put it up at your house. Casey, this is a, it's got like a little adhesive on the back, so it's like a little plastic board, and it says, want to read it, Casey?

You know, this is perfect for this episode.

This is absolutely, this is perfect for this episode. Yeah, we made you walk right into that.

Okay, how about the fucking go off, all right? It says it has been, there's an open space and it has zero written in marker episodes since our last Howard Dean scream. It's a big red alert sign. And let me tell you, that's very funny.

Here's what I want to ask. Okay. Will that sign ever not be zero?

Okay.

Okay. Okay. You know what, Adal? Okay. You know what? I better not hear you fuckers.

Fight, fight, fight.

Ever complain about my sound cues again after this episode. Do you know the restraint I have shown? You know how many sound effects I haven't added to the Zencaster soundboard? I could have done a fart reverb. You know how much I would have loved to add a fart reverb? Jesus Christ, man. He knows the term for it.

Sorry, sir.

I will say after having a soundboard for half a day, uh, Casey has shown a remarkable amount of restraint.

And Hendrix invented the fart reverb, right?

Yes. That's funny.

Yeah, but that's exceptionally funny. I'm very, very happy to put that up on my wall. Please make a JPC one that says, you know, all of the sound effects in this episode.

What? Come on.

I also feel one last thing I have to say is like, you know how like whenever I do the surfs up my guy thing, Erin has to be like, that's not me. That's not me. That's not Erin. That's what I feel like I have to come on Mike and do that every time JPC does one of those side effects. That's not me.

I guess we're learning empathy, Casey. That's what empathy looks like.

I feel like in five years, you're going to be applying for a job with sound producing. And the people will be like, let me listen back to an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle to see some of your work. And they'll pick this episode. They'll be like, ooh, actually this kind of sucks.

That's funny because I am acting like a guy who just put in his two weeks notice.

You've been acting like that since episode four my guy.

I'm acting like a person who can't get fired right now. Well, you're our CFO. Yeah, I know. And CFO, of course, stands for Chief Officer.

So, just so we're all... It's not fair if we don't have a sound board, then no one can have a sound board. The cast can't have sound boards.

Hands off. Hands off.

That's my cue to leave. Thank you, Casey. Thank you, Ren. Thank you.

Well, I'll bring this over to you. I'll bring this over to you very soon. Wonderful. Oh, okay. Well, that digression aside, Erin, do we have any more riddles? We do. Freakin' riddle.

But before we do this next riddle, I'm gonna need you to put your pun hat on. Pun hat on. Put your little pun hat on, put your little pun hat on, and shut off your brain. Okay.

Brain off. Doctors have said my pun hat has grafted to my skull. They say it cannot be surgically removed by man nor beast.

And we can't wait to study your brain after you die, my friend.

And Erin, I'm looking at my brain shutoff switch because I was going to go turn it off like you said. And it looks like it's been off for a long time. There's cobwebs.

It's going to say is it covered?

Yeah.

All right. Well, good. And then you're ready for this. If you were locked in a room that had in it only a bed and a calendar, how could you survive? What? I have a lot of dates to take into that bed.

What else? That's basically it, right?

That's kind of one half the answer.

I would march my ass to bed. I'd cover my dates.

I would... Think of what else you can do with dates.

Sheet the bed.

I demand more respect. I actually do demand more respect in there.

Can you see that one is so much worse than a toilet one?

Surf's up my guy, 100%. I did not say that. And when you have complaints about this episode, don't come complaining to me about this episode going, Erin, I don't like listening to you deal with them. Go complain to JPC.

Take it out on Adal. I am making a mental note. Let's see, this episode comes, I will be deleting my Twitter the day before.

What else do you do with dates? Yeah, this one is impossible to get. You're never going to get it. So you have food. What do you need?

What's the objective? The objective is just to survive, right? You wet the bed and eat the dates.

You're just trying to survive in a room that only has a calendar and a bed and they're pun answers. So how, you already have the dates from the calendar that you're eating.

You fry up the drinks in a bed pan. You eat the dates and you drink the pillows. So it's not wet the bed? No. So, how would you get liquid- you have a water bath? A wet dream?

Remember that this is an old book.

Well, it's gotta be a wet dream then.

No.

They had a wet dream, Spex. It's an old book. Um... Distill asleep. Distillery asleep.

Distill asleep. There's some beds that have these still, but I'd say we're definitely living in a world where these are incredibly uncommon. Box springs. Box springs?

Oh, you gather water from the box springs, the fresh springs of the box.

Wow. Drink water from the bed springs and eat dates from the calendar.

Nice one, Japes.

You have to take your pun hat off. I was actually going with box, not even spring. I did not put together the springs for water. I was like, you open the box and drink the springs?

Spring forward? Fall back?

Spring forward, you fall back on the dates. I do want to see a scene. Adal, you're going to be playing a petulant child who has locked himself in his bedroom. You have a calendar and a bed. And Erin, you're the child's parent from the other side of the door. You're never going to come out of your bedroom.

Honey, there's dinner on the table. You wanna come out?

No. I'm tired. I'm tired of dinner. I'm tired of tomato and onion.

Okay. Well, me too.

Fuck you.

Okay. I'm just gonna take off. Good luck.

What? Wait, hold on. What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Car sound. The best thing I've ever been. I don't have a car sound.

Okay, Tommy. Think. Think, think, think, think, think. Okay. Um, okay. You have a calendar. So rip off the pages and paper cut my throat. Okay. Okay. What am I going to eat? What am I going to eat? What am I going to eat? Oh, I have a window. Let me open up the window. Yeah. Let me, let me try and get a bird in here. Let me try and lure a bird onto my finger and I can eat that.

I don't have a bird effect either. I don't.

Excuse me, Mr. Bird, what'd you say?

I was looking, I don't have a bird effect. I was trying to help. I was trying to be a bird. I don't have it.

It's good you remember that we could all leave scenes by just starting a car and speeding off. Why are fishermen such good correspondents?

Because they always drop a line.

You got it.

Their letters are debtors. Their debtors are letters.

This one is ridiculous. When a man marries, how many wives does he get?

Well, if he wants to get to heaven.

He doesn't get anything. He's lucky, his ass is lucky to have one.

When a man gets married, how many wives does he get? This is when a man marries.

What's that thing where a word is spelled different but sounds like another word?

Homonym?

Yeah. It's a homonym.

Um, he's early to rise. Think of vows. Is it one? Is it Mary?

Is her name Mary? No. Is it a man marries?

I like how you're thinking though.

I do not know.

Okay.

I do plead the fifth.

I mean, you've both been married, so I'm sure you at least googled and watched videos. Wait, Ben?

Wait, Erin, Ben? I don't know. JBC, check with Mariah, I'll check with Gemma. Who's Ben? Starts Carver.

I'm looking at the paper now and it's, yeah, I guess the guy's name is Ben that I married.

You both had weddings.

I hope he's nice. You both had weddings.

And you both got to decide whether or not you did traditional vows.

You have one because there was an altercation.

Not one. You have two. You have a sick one and a health one.

No.

Think of those. Insignances in health. Till death do its part. I take you to have and to hold. And then you say their name. Wife. Take you to have and to hold.

And you're talking about all the different circumstances in which... In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health.

In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. In sickness

We decided to do the hustle. Insignation and health. What's the what's the wealth part? Or prosperity and restitution? For richer or for poorer?

Yep, you got it.

So for richer, for richer and for poorer, so that's eight wives. Eight wives.

Eight is enough. Sixteen. Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

And can I say the poorer and the worst wives?

You'd think they wouldn't be the best? No, I'll say it. Some of my poor wives are my best wives.

Oh God.

I say there's no shame in being a poor wife, okay? Because guess what? Poor wife? Great listener.

This is horrible. The answer to this riddle is basically Portland Organs own the Decemberists' 16 Military Wives. That's how they got that song. I want to say Colin Mockery was reading this riddle book.

16 Military Wives. I never knew that's what that song was about and I still don't.

Wow. What letters never found in the alphabet?

What letter is never on? Dear Richard, it's been hard on the front. I was just going to say the letter to my dead husband.

You guys are kind of right.

You're right. It's what letter is never found in a dictionary, like a correspondence with a friend.

Yeah, the one that you put in the mailbox.

Yeah. Well, I put APC in the mailbox.

When do elephants have eight feet?

I don't remember.

I want to see this scene. Erin, you are an elephant. GPC, you're a scientist who's been brought in to clone an elephant. Unfortunately, there was an autocorrect in the email. So you think you've been brought in to clown an elephant.

Damn, what's up, big feet? Look at your big ass feet. Dumbass, big ass, elephant feet. Look at you.

Okay, I was just about to say it's a real honor to be here.

You going somewhere? You leaving? Not leaving him. Then why you pack such a big ass trunk? What's going on? What's up? Oh my god.

I think I look really handsome with my trunk.

No, I think you do too. I think you do too. Trust me. Trust me. I'm telling you the truth. Okay. Or should I say I'm telling you the tooth? Look at those big-ass teeth. Is that what they are, Tusk?

Those teeth? Your colleague said that this was a huge honor. I applied. I wrote like six essays. I did like a video entry. I really thought that I would be the right kind of elephant to clone, but I guess not.

Oh, are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry? Yeah. Do I look like a mouse? I'm scaring you right now?

I'm friends with a lot of mice, and they like me a lot.

What's your name?

I don't wanna tell you.

What? I heard your name was Sahara. Is that right Sahara? Yeah. Yeah, that's cause that's maybe where you're from. Oh boy. Anyway, it's been nice. Look, I'm a scientist. I'm going to be here until the research grant expires. Try the veal if you want. That's my time. What's that? That's my time.

And listeners, if you want to send us your videos of you at a zoo clouding an elephant, please do keep them under 30 seconds.

I'd rather see your videos with you explaining why you should be the elephant that we clone.

Yeah, if you're an elephant that wants to be cloned, please send in your videos. I honestly thought that that scene was gonna end with the elephant, like, goring that guy, but... Yeah, I thought about it. Erin's elephant had patience.

Well, Erin and GPC, I do have to ask, because this is a question we answered, a variation off of a question we answered maybe 50, 60 episodes back. Would you kiss your clown?

If there's a thrifty, if there's a frugal clown you won't kiss them?

That's what you thought Pennywise was all about, huh? You thought I'd use it as a clip and coupons?

He didn't even see a trailer.

Vice groceries for the month. ACE Always Clown Elephants. I'll say it.

All right. The answer is when there are two of them. Next Riddle.

What was the question?

What? When do elephants have eight feet? When did the man stand behind... Oh, sorry. Why did the man stand behind his donkey?

His donkey was right. Because he was going to kick his ass. He was going to kick his own ass. Wow, because he was going to kick his own ass rules. I love that.

You really, you kind of got it, Adal.

I get no thrill from champagne. The man was Mel Torme, Velvet Fog.

This is why the man was behind his donkey?

I get a kick out of you.

He wanted to do it in the ass.

No, no, no.

Because his wife said he could do it in the ass. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No. Bye.

Bye, Erin. Bye. Can't even do the proper outro. She's so fragile. No, bye. Erin's gone. Bye. No, bye. Bye. Sell. That's her new outro.

Actually, I'm going to do another Jupiter to just cleanse the space. We're going to start over. Thank you. We're cleaning the space, everybody. Interesting.

Interesting. We can't see a woman on a desert island shopping, but we'll allow this.

I just cleaned the space. I just cleared it in bad energy.

I cleared it in bad energy. Light some sage.

I'm upset. I'm mad.

No, Erin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Here, let me put some olive oil in a heated pan, put in some garlic and some onion.

Erin, if you think that it's a bad energy for a man to fuck a donkey, I'm sorry, but you're going to have about four people on the internet who are really weirdos.

Jupiter. No, we still have time left. Okay.

On this earth.

Oh my god. I can't believe this next riddle. I hadn't read ahead this far. This is horrible. We're not gonna guess this one. I just want you guys to understand how bad it is.

Erin never thought we'd be this good at doing riddles that we get this far into the book.

I really didn't.

But Erin, JPC and I have sick brains. Can we try and guess? I bet we'll get it.

No, no. I don't even want you to. What is the difference between a girl and an umbrella?

A girl and an umbrella?

Yeah.

You should never open up a girl inside the house.

No, that would make me laugh. You can shut up an umbrella.

What the fuck?

Molly. No, she would die if I... She told me how bad these are.

Can you imagine back in like, I want to say 1935, whenever this book was written, you just had dinner, everyone retires to the parlor. You play a few parlor games and then suddenly I'm Pound on their tables.

They still require- God, that Jack's a real cut-up. What a funny man that Jack is. Whatever happened to him? Arsenic poisoning, huh? Guess he was just eating arsenic. Ah, that poor widow of his. I wonder if she knew that his food was laced with arsenic.

That's what they say. They say women poison in men, uh, murders.

Oh, Erin. Yeah, you're right. That one was really bad. And that one was a test because if you thought that one was good, actually, go to your checkbook, write yourself a big check for your freaking privilege. That's right. Check your privilege. Check yourself.

We've had this one before, so you should get it right away.

Okay.

Is it the girl one again? What is the longest word in the English language?

Abercrombie and Fitch.

Yes!

Is it? What is it? Is it anti-disestablishmentarianism? No, that's not the longest one.

It's not actually the longest word. Oh, is it longest? No.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Yeah, this one is dumb. Is it a wuga? No.

Is it like a... Is it like mile?

Mm-hmm. But sort of.

A kilometer.

It's the word mile inside of another word.

Um, kilometer. Milestone.

Smiles. Yeah. Since there's a mile between the first and last letter. That's the first time it's ever happened on the show where I give the answer and you give the answer at the same time.

Wow. Into a riddle that we've already done apparently.

What is the weakest animal in the world?

Giraffe. Easy. Easy money.

All right, here we go.

I want to see a seed. Adal and Erin, you are both at a illegal animal fight club and you two are, you're looking over the list of combatants today and you're placing your bets for who you think is going to win in this illegal animal fight club.

All right, let's take a look here. First up is an elephant. Fucking dumb ass, big ass speed elephant, big ass tusks. Versus a hippo. Hmm.

All right, this seems pretty evenly matched. I've watched that. Next one is a Chinchilla versus a Panther. Ooh, do I want to see that?

Um, I'm going to say that Chinchilla is going to win that.

Yeah, if you give him a weapon.

Start the pet and be like, oh my, fall asleep from how soothing it is. Chinchilla can call in its mouth and kill it from the inside.

All right, let's see it.

Okay, let's move on here. Uh, we have a owl versus Margaret. Hi Riddle.

Oh God, no. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

Alright, we'll put you in there. You got it.

I'll take out that one.

Don't vote on me. Gary's never gonna win.

Gary, we'll give you like a sword or something. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Okay, next up we have Penguin versus seeing itself in the mirror. Oh, because penguins are flightless and I think they're really self-conscious about it.

Yeah, that one seems a little sad.

Yeah, I'll take the under.

Yeah.

Can I be honest about that one? Sorry, I'm the one taking the bets. We thought we had another animal lined up, but then they backed out at the last moment. That makes sense. So that one's kind of an improvised fight. Penguin versus the mirror.

Can we give the mirror a weapon?

The mirror will have access to broken glass.

Great, great, great.

Only three more bets. Oh, this is a weird one. We have the Danny DeVito one versus the other Danny DeVito one.

Can't wait. That will be the biggest fight for sure.

We're really lucky to have that one on the books, yes.

Wow, we got you and me versus each other.

Can I see that pen?

Sure. Ow! No, you can't start already! That's against the rules, you just stabbed me in the neck with a pen!

Nothing in the rules says the fights can't start before the fights start.

Alright, Air Bud vs Air Duck.

Well, Air Bud will call me Air Duck, like Bruce Willis and Die Hard and uh huh.

Come to L.A., they said. Play basketball versus a bunch of humans, they said.

Sometimes I just, I get re-sad thinking about those three lost episodes. Our three are my favorite recording we've ever had in 2018 and we lost all three of those episodes.

That was, there was an airbud run that was the best thing we've ever done. There's a Mary Poppins run.

Yeah, I played Scary Poppins. It's no one's fault, but it's definitely not Casey's fault.

No, I mean, I'm still the guy from the scene. Oh, C. Yeah, thank you.

Wow, sorry. That was scary. You got stuck in there.

I was still in the scene. I was trying to pee in character. If you die in the scene, you die in real life.

Well, the answer to that is a frog. He will croak if you touch him.

What was the question? What was the riddle?

What's the weakest animal in the world?

Oh, a frog is so broke when you touch him. Okay. Okay. That's actually pretty funny. I like that.

I'd like to see a scene.

Oh.

JPC, you are a pet frog that knows that if you get touched, you will die. And Adal, you are his teenage, like pre-teen owner.

Hey. Not too close. Don't get too close.

Well, I'll, I'll stay back here. I just want to say, um, smacks. Don't fuck my mom.

Kid, come on. My mom fucking days are long over. Okay. I'm retired now. I'm just, Hey, did he bring me any flies?

Um, sort of. I brought you a picture of Jennifer Lopez, who famously started as a fly girl on In Living Color. Fly girls were sort of dancers in the 90s.

This'll do for a different reason, but I am gonna need something to eat.

Can we play a voicemail? I knew that was gonna happen.

That's so long. Boy smell, he'll play. Boy smell, he'll play. Boy smell, he'll play with me, babe. Boy smell, he'll play. Boy smell, he'll play. Boy smell, he'll play with me.

Hey, Erin, spelled E-R-I-N, Adal, and J-P-E-T. My name is Autumn, and I'm just chilling in my car. Driving home, listening to the podcast. I had a riddle, but I forgot. So I guess I just have a question for you. What is your favorite time of day? Mine is 2 o'clock in the afternoon, post-lunch, early afternoon, And I can have a second coffee without feeling bad later. So, have a nice day.

Wow. Thank you so much, Autumn. You shouldn't leave voicemails while driving, we should say. I think it's that autumn of heart.

I think it's fine. You can answer me.

Okay, if you can answer me. Thank you so much, Autumn. That's a great question. Do you mind if I go first?

Yeah. No, I'm stumped. I'm really trying to figure it out.

Oh, I see. JPC what you're saying. Erin spelled E-R-I-N. JPC is spelled J-P-C and Adal spelled A-D-A-L. Yes. Thank you. I'm going to say probably like 2 AM because I'm a bit of a night owl, not Margaret. I'm a bit of a night owl and I think when it gets to be super early, super late at night, early in the morning, there's something that washes over me of like, I have no commitments. I don't, no one needs me to do anything. I don't have to like, Reach out to anyone. It just feels like my time, like I have complete over all of the day. That's the time where I have complete autonomy and ownership over what I do. Currently, whatever hits 2 a.m., I'm usually just playing Elden Ring and texting Jason about it. Because he's the only other person that's up. So I get to, not out of obligation, but have inspiration reach out to people. But I think like 2 a.m. until like 4 a.m. That's my sweet spot.

That's your sweet spot, okay.

Erin, do you know? I really like like post-dinner cozy time, especially on a night where I'm inside. I really like like 7 to 9 p.m. because I feel like other than people who work at night, but if people who work traditional 9 to 5, it's a very cozy time where you're just sort of maybe watching something or being cozy. Soft lighting.

I think if it's like, if we're talking about a weekend, we're talking like completely different time. But I think if it's during the week, I love that. I love that noon. I love that like right at lunchtime because usually that's when my wife has her lunch break. She works from home and we'll both be at home together and we can kind of like have like a little like midday check in, see how our days are going. And we're not like too tired. Like you're not like too exhausted from the day because you've only just had like your, you know, your morning That's a nice spot. That's a nice spot.

Say the phrase noon. Something about noon. Say it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Pre-noon can still get you pregnant. Thank you.

Thank you. Also, Casey, I assume you can do this. Can you, just for this episode that Gemma downloads on her phone, can you edit it? Here, I'll take a clean take here. My favorite time of day is when I fall asleep next to my beautiful wife and when I wake up next to my beautiful wife. Just in her episode only. Put that in, please.

You can throw that in Mariah's episode too. I think she'd like to hear it. I think that's nice. Hey, you know what? Thank you, Autumn, for the voicemail. Again, if you ever want to leave us a voicemail, make it 30 seconds or less and just call 1-805-Riddle-1 and leave us a voicemail message. We'd love to hear it. Every time people call and leave voicemail messages that are too long, I just respond to them via text. And so a lot of people get really funny texts, I would say funny, sometimes mean, for me. So you could do that.

Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Yes, I'd like to plug sitcom D&D. We basically recorded the entire season that we were on and it is really fun, really good. We have a lot of head gum guests that we're a blast to record with, so check that out. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, I recently guessed on a few podcasts that I'd like to plug. I believe all the episodes are out, but if they're not, hold tight. I guess on one of my favorite shows to reoccuringly guess on, which is called the restricted section. Please check out them, they are fantastic. I also did a little guest spot on an episode of Nature Talks. So please listen to Nature Talks. And I was interviewed by an Australian, a wonderful Australian person. And this was the podcast. I don't know if they ever said it out loud. So it's either content incapable or content incapable. Oh, wow. Maybe that was on purpose. That's a little play on word. It's a homonym.

But it's I truly thought you were going to have an Australian word in there that you didn't know, but it's just it's just it's just a word. It's a homonym.

It's a homonym. So it's either it's a C-O-N-T-E-N-T and capable. Please check that out as well. JPC, do you have anything to plug or review?

I'm going to read a five-star review. If you want to get a five-star review read on the show, just go to Apple iTunes wherever you leave reviews. Give us some five stars. Hey, and hey, I might pick yours to read on the show today. I've picked Coffin Grind. Coffin Grind writes, petition, final draft. I, John Patrick Coan, being of sound mind and legal capacity, do hereby petition the state of Illinois to change my full legal name to John Pistrick Coan. Any future uses of the name Patrick concluding but not limited to on excellent comedy podcasts or an excellent theme songs to set podcast shall be met with no less than four seconds of silence and one blank stare. Should any authorities of the state of Illinois object to the name John Patrick Coan, I shall gladly demonstrate in a court of law that at any given moment my body weight is no less than 30% piss and I have, by all accounts, earned it. Wow, I got through that one. I wish I had a piss sound effect, but I really just... No, don't. Casey's gonna do the flush. I don't have it. I don't have a piss sound effect. I have a flush. I don't... Let's try this one. Okay, that's Money in the Bank. Thank you so much, Golf & Garage. That's how you pee? Yeah, that's how I pee.

I bet that's how Pink Floyd pees. Okay, this is probably how I pee. Oh, it's like a mist. Oh, you have to turn it. You have to turn the nozzle so it says... My settings on my pee are so fucked.

I'll never get them sprayed. The second you start tinkering with them, what's the tinkling with it?

Oh, Jupiter. Sorry, guys. I forgot that I could get us out of here. Sorry, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Oh god.

Goodbye everyone.

Oh it's so long.

We have 9 seconds. Get ready. It's so long. It goes up so long.

Oh cool.

Welcome back to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Alright, it's time for our drive at 9 Sigma. We're going to be calling 9 drivers on the road right now. Watch out because we're giving away prizes.

Oh my gosh. Why is there an EDM? Why is there an EDM button?

See, you have like... You have a real soundboard, the Zencaster soundboard as you've seen is like fucking eight options and they automatically play when you try to change the volume. Do you have it hooked up to your stream deck or you just have like a software like?

It's in the voice mod. This is all part of the voice mod.

Oh my god, really?

Yeah. Oh my god. Alright, alright, I promise, I promise I'll use it responsibly from here on out.

I'm stopping.

No, you won't. Hey there, Worlds and Newses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We give you a little peek back behind the curtain to our live stage show, World News Tonight. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a Headgum podcast.