Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hello, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am. Welcome to the Dollar Store. I'm Trent. I am the Dollar Store operator. If you have any questions about anything in the store, come and see me.

Oh, Trent. You're coming on a little hot. I've never seen you here before. Are you new?

Yeah. This is actually my first day at the Dollar Store. I come from the big city, actually. I used to work at a $10 store.

Wow. Okay. Well, I'm just going to poke around and I'll let you know if I need anything.

Attention. Attention on deck. Sir, yes sir. I know what a basket is. BAM, I know what a basket is. What does that mean, Addy's? What does that mean Addy's? Does that mean fuh? Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing.

Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, he's sniffing. Oh, You ever notice how can you say which big city of him?

The one that's close to us.

I think you're getting the light. I think you're getting the light from the back.

You should walk into it. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin. These are my two uncles.

Hey Riddle. No, I don't think so. I don't think that that's quite necessary. I think the time that we had Ethan Lawrence on the Patreon kind of showed us that we don't do that kind of stuff very well anymore. But I would like to introduce our guest.

Yes, agreed. I think that is absolutely disgusting and I think you should bridge it in your ass straight to jail.

Well, before our guest leaves, I'll go ahead and introduce him. We are so lucky to be joined by Jasper Cartwright of the three black halflings podcast Jasper. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey everyone, and I'm loving the fact that Adal went straight for like the Hogwarts school preppy version of English. Oh look, it's just me. I'm just hanging around, casting some spells. Oh, that's lovely.

Jasper, thank you so much for being here. Before we get into the riddles, what is your relationship with riddles and puzzles like? Do you like them? Do you hate them?

Yeah, so, hi everyone. Thanks for having me. I'm so happy to be here. This is very cool. I was actually trying to think about this in preparation to try and come up with a half decent answer. That's smart, that's really smart. Yeah, yeah, it was until I realized I still couldn't think of one.

Jasper, if it makes you feel better, half decent answer should be the name of this podcast. Just to put you at ease, we were very bad at riddles. Just so you know.

I did listen to a couple of episodes. I will say it did put me at ease, to use a phrase.

We're only getting worse.

We're only getting worse.

So yeah, I would say that I, so I, a big me and my partner, big, big, big, like escape room fans. And normally the riddle is like my domain. So I'm like logical puddle puzzles and puddles, hilarious, logical puzzles and riddles. And then she's on like sequence stuff, like she's really good at seeing that thing. Thanks for watching! Turn base, doing the same thing all the time. It's a nice way of being like, hey, I'm going to engage you in a different way kind of thing, give you a different kind of thing to think about. I really enjoy going from a physical puzzle to a spatial puzzle into a really difficult middle. It's quite fun. And to go all the way back I think my earliest memories, I can't even necessarily remember what it was from, but I'm just picturing giant sphinx possibly made of sand, doing a riddle, and from an animated show, I remember watching as a kid. It's not Aladdin, because I know that one, obviously. But there's another one, and I know that someone's going to be screaming it into their headphones, so I apologize.

A Laban!

So yeah, I've always thought that Riddle's pretty sweet. I am either like insanely good or terrible. Like I think it's like I'll either get there within 10 seconds or I'm not going to get there. And you'll probably have to explain it to me. Even once you say it, I'll be like, still not getting there. I'm sorry. It's just my brain's not working that way around, I guess.

That's pretty safe. That covers all of your bases. I'll either get it or I won't.

JBC, the Brits don't have baseball. You can't say cover your bases.

Hey, hey, we have rounders. So, back off. Okay. Rounders is exactly the same. It's just we hit it less hard and we play it on school.

Wait a minute, Jasper. Sorry, GBC. We have rounders as well. Matt Damon, John Malkovich, Pia Thethmian, Pia Thethmian, Pia Thethmian, Pia Thethmian. Yeah, we both have seen the rounders once.

Jasper, the question that I always ask all of our British guests is, so British comedy is my favorite. What comedians did you grow up loving or you love right now?

Ooh, uh, Lenny Henry, very big fan of Lenny Henry and I'm just so glad to be seeing him getting his flowers now in like the Rings of Power series and stuff like that, so dope. He's like a really big kind of just, he was like one of the first like black guys I saw on TV and like he was kind of like, you know, unapologetically doing it, you know, but like for himself and had his own show, which was kind of huge. So yeah, big Lady Henry fan, and kind of came full circle because I ended up signing with his sister, who was my agent for a while. Yeah, yeah, very, very cool. So yeah, Lenny Henry definitely was a big one growing up. And then now there's a guy called Munya who does the most hilarious like kind of political like satire videos, but they're like little like kind of TikTok like music videos. I will send you some of them like after this or whatever, because They are outrageously funny and basically he'll take like something that's happened like in the news. So you might not know there's this guy called like Matt Hancock, right?

Big fans of Matt Hancock on this podcast.

It's terrible. I might have to leave, but no. Basically it was like he announced that he was like going into the jungle and within like two hours this guy had posted a full music video cover Thanks for watching!

Well, without any further stalling, unless anyone wants to talk about their favorite color or favorite kind of pie.

Red. Apple. Great. Oh, I could be swayed by pumpkins, sorry. This, like, I know I'm going off a tangent, but legitimately, I had pumpkin pie for the first time in America a couple months ago. That's what happens. Yo. Yo, it's good.

It's fantastic. I feel like it's a nice balance between sweet and savory. You can top it with whipped cream to make it sweet, but I feel like otherwise it's not cloyingly sweet. In America, were you in the big city?

I did, well, okay, so the big city, there's a few, they could be, so you might have to narrow it down a little for me. The one closest to us. Yeah. Just a big city. I don't know. Oh, closest to you. No, I wasn't there actually, no. Oh, boo. So you're in Philadelphia. I'm saying that was an absolutely zero basis of knowledge. Where did you visit? Yes, I was in Philadelphia. Oh, what is the second biggest city? San Fran and LA. Nice. Thanks for watching.

That might be why you had a pretty nice tasting pumpkin pie here in America.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny looking at the list of ingredients of the same confectionery when I get home. I look at the same ingredients, like I kept some of the wrappers and stuff, and I looked at them and was like, man, that's the reason these taste different. That's wild.

Big shout out to yellow five, red six, and blue two, your food.

My favorite part of your food.

Shout out.

Like, I love when it just says on the back, flavor enhancer.

I'm like, what the hell is that? That's rat poison.

Yeah, basically, but it must taste good, right? Tastes great. The rats sure like it.

So we're going to return to our new segment, Molly's Riddle Book.

Oh, nice.

All right, so we are back to the little riddle book from Molly. Here's our first riddle.

Okay.

Put two and two together and make more than four.

Wow.

Smartasses answer and quickly get it.

I had it and then you said four and then I was like, now I can think about it as full.

So here's what you do. Erin, this is, it is embarrassing how easy this is for me. So simple. Turn it ever so slightly, 45 degree tilt, suddenly it's an X. Roman numeral X, of course, stands for 10. 4, 10, 4. Duh, nope, 2, 10, 2. If you've got 4, you tilt the middle 2, then you just do 1 times 1, which is 1. Okay, Jasper's immediately poked holes in my solution.

Here's what you do, Erin. This is so simple a child could figure it out. You take the first two, then you take the second two, and you flip it so it's a mirror image. You overlay them on top of each other. That's an eight. There you go. Now you got eight, which is more than four.

And 789, now we're at 9.

That can't be right.

I hope that's not right. Yeah, I think the thing is, these two children can't get there, but like, you know, Dad's in the room now and he's here to tell you, the way you do this is so simple. You just stack all of the ones on each other, and then you have a big one. And everyone knows a big one is more than four.

As Teddy Roosevelt once said. Jasper, tell us about British numerals. Now, they're a little different from American numerals. Are they?

Well, they're bigger, it sounds.

I want you guys to get this one. Put two and two together and make more than four.

Oh, I got it. Yeah. So if you take, you didn't say put two, you said put two and two together. You didn't say put two and two numbers wise. If you put two bunnies and two bunnies, give it six weeks. You're going to have 40 fucking bunnies.

That's where I was going.

Aaron, have you ever heard of the term fuck like rabbits, my dear?

No, unfortunately this riddle is not about bunny sex.

Boo, more bunny sex. No, that seems overly complicated. No, that can't be it.

Erin, is it as simple as, is the number that's bigger than 4 22? Are you just putting 2 right next to 2? Yes.

Oh, wow.

Oh, everyone's mad at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm mad at JPC. We should have all gone down with that ship and you chose to bail yourself out. Like, now we're left drowning on the duel figuring out who's gonna die.

Well, a rising tide sinks all people drowning in the ocean.

Yeah, thanks.

A rising JPC sinks all ships. And you're a rising Aquarius? I'm a JPC rising super hero.

I'm an Erin Adal rising. So that's my Hey Riddle Riddle thing. Alright, let's see. Why is a clock like a river?

Oh, so many ways. So you read my book of poems. Because time flows in one direction? Wow. Ooh. That's pretty good.

That's really good, but it's not the answer we're looking for. Okay, I give up. I quit. I'm out. That's all I had.

That's all I had.

And if Jasper's organizing a walkout, I'm also going. I'm also walking off the job. Takes out hammer, throws hammer at wall.

Jasper's ripping off his headphones. He's getting on one of those bicycles that has a big front wheel and a tiny back wheel, called Hurley Burley. What are those called?

Are you just picking words that sound vaguely old-timey English? Sir? Is that what you're doing, sir? Can we get it one more time?

How is it a clock?

Why is a clock like a river?

Why is a clock like a river? Because, okay.

This is a shit riddle and a shit answer and keep in mind this book was written in like 1950.

They both have beds. Do you have a bed for your clock?

Everyone puts their clock to bed, right? You gotta tuck your clocks in.

Kiss it at noon. You go, mwah, goodnight.

Yeah, kiss it at noon, kiss it at midnight. Clocks work on a 12-hour cycle, so they have basically twice as many days of session. If you're a hustler and you're a grinder out there, you will live a clock lifestyle, and then you have an extra seven days every week.

Can I just say once again how angry I am at JPC?

I mean you're healthy and you're doing it right. I lifted that directly from a Matt Hancock video. Okay, so I am learning the grind.

I'm going to double down. You're just making me double down right now.

Your hint is that just imagine clocks in the 1950s. These are old clocks.

Oh, full of mercury, right?

Oh, okay, so they have grandfathers, like rivers, because a river's grandfather is clouds.

What can a river do?

What can't it do? Anything. Erin, anything.

I'm going to just give it this time. It winds.

Oh, it winds. Oh, it winds? You wind a clock and a river climbs.

Because it won't run long without winding.

Adal, congratulations. That was incredible. Well done. Thank you so much. I'm really proud of you.

I'd like to see a scene. Hold on, hold on. Wait, hold on. I answered a riddle right, and Jasper said, fuck you. And then Adal answered a riddle right, and Jasper said, congratulations?

Am I being pranked? At JPC, I see nothing here. I think you're making something out of nothing. That doesn't make sense. I just need you to take it out a few notes, if that's okay. JPC, you're acting crazy. Just wind that clock back a little bit. Wind that clock back a little bit, yeah, and just think about what you did.

This sucks, because I'm not smart enough to know what's happening.

I'd like to see a scene. Jasper, you are going to go visit your grandfather clock in an old folks home played by JPC.

Have they? They've polished my hands? They have, yeah.

I told that damn it orderly not to polish my hands. I like my hands dirty.

And it's weird. It looks like they've permanently stuck your hands to 20 past four. I don't know why they've chosen... Let me see if I can... No, no, no.

This is actually... This is a new... This is like a new thing for me. I'm with the youngest grandpa in here and so I'm trying to be like, I'm trying to like throw my hands in the air like a party grandpa. 20 past four, you know?

Okay, sure.

Can I be honest with you, kid?

Yeah, okay.

I'm fucking like a rabbit in here.

Oh, what's fucking grandpa?

And there's no risk either because nobody's getting pregnant.

Mr. Williams, I'm sorry. Mr. Williams, I'm not gonna tell you again. Cover your cloak, your chimes are showing.

Look, I'm not gonna apologize. A dog's gonna dog, you know?

Is that how it works? Okay, well I guess I just need to show some people my chimes.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Honey, honey, go wait in the car. I have to talk to my dad. Dad, what are you teaching my son? Hey, you brought the kid here. Hey, you brought the kid here. Okay, I'm reading this next riddle.

And if you're listening out there, do not show your chimes to people. Don't show your chimes.

It's consensual. I meant to mention to everybody that in this little riddle book from the past, it has some of the most insane, hilarious, and horrifying illustrations. This is one from before. It's a little angry chef. I love it. Oh wow. I'm going to read you this riddle and then I'm going to show you the illustration.

Yes. Not smart enough to know how to counter that.

Erin, can I say something brilliant?

Fuck.

All books are from the past. Whoa. There's not a single book I've read that's not from the past.

When did I smile? Adal, I don't know how to describe what's going on right now, but you're blowing my mind. You're just taking me to new places.

I don't understand how Adal is this sharp. I've been poisoning him. What's going on? Did I get the poison on my hands?

I was gonna say did you do that thing where you like switch the cup and you're looking down the cups like oh no.

I never look at the cups because I'm so scared of the poison so I always have to do it with my eyes closed.

The poison that you've been giving me is what the exact ingredients to make bulletproof coffee.

Just been enhancing my brain power. Pouring poison into your cup and then taking the label off, there's a little piece of tape over it. It just has hand poison. I'm like, oh no. No, brother.

Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was Bigger?

Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was Bigger? They both were. Because that's her last name.

Yeah. No. That'd be the last name, yeah. She's an adult. I think I got this.

Is this a Benjamin Button situation?

He's a baby, but he's like an old man.

No. The last name matters. Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was bigger?

Did she name this kid Bigger Bigger? No. That's an insane name for a kid, but don't take it. Bibs. You want it? I want it.

Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Sounds like someone giving notes on a graphic design. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.

I'm going to tell you. Ready? Okay.

Yeah, please.

The baby, because he was a little bigger. Yay! How scary this picture is! Oh, is that a baby?

JPC, why? JPC, what are you doing?

In my defense! I am going to name my baby Bigger Bigger.

Please do. I'll fully be in love with that.

That'd be great. Jasper, here's the first point. This is something we've been currently doing. This is the first point in the show where we're going to have a sort of community vote a la Survivor. So we're going to vote off one of the hosts. I'm going to make a case to vote off JPC.

Oh, seconded. Yeah, don't even need to... Okay. Okay, so we do go to trial, right?

Well, unless you have an immunity idol, you are immediately gone. Okay, what do I have on my desk?

What do I have on my desk? An immunity idol.

Nothing, because you told me to stop sending you gifts and now you regret it.

Ah, no, I have an immunity idol. I have a small under the desk space heater.

Ooh.

Fuck.

That is technically an immunity idol. I'm going to devote myself out.

This is a tornado.

I would like to go eat jalapeno chips and stare out the window like a dog.

If you don't mind.

Have you been feeding your dog jalapeno chips?

Yes. I'll also go to vote myself off. It's five past ten here in the UK. I could probably go and chill out, play some video games, wind down for the evening, maybe crack a whiskey.

Five past ten grandpa's getting his fuck hands up. Yeah, five past ten.

Everybody's trying to vote themselves off the show. The chimes.

Jasper, what are you playing right now, by the way?

What am I playing right now? I'm playing For My Sins. I'm playing Last of Us again. Wow, Last of Us again. As in, this is the third time I've played through a different version of the same game, and I hate myself for it, but I can't stop because it's so good.

That's Casey's favorite game. Casey loves Last of Us.

That is Casey Tonings.

Crave Casey's favorite game.

I got to interview someone on a new podcast I'm starting who worked on it, and I was just like, meh, you're so cool.

Tell me you got the naughty dog.

I did. I spoke to the naughty dog, but the thing that was really weird about the naughty dog though is it like seemed super out of breath and it turns out he'd been eating jalapeno chips for like two hours. That's a naughty dog. Like a dog. Yeah, it was not happy. The naughty dog was a poorly dog. You know what I'm saying?

Hey, that makes sense.

It was a sicky dog.

Naughty dog gonna do it. Naughty dog gonna do. Erin staring out the window.

She sees another woman eating chips.

Who is basically just seeing Erin bark at her through a window for some reason as she's just sat on a park bed sheet and some chips. Maybe Adal, you can play Erin barking through a window.

Let me upload my audio done with that episode of Hey Riddle Riddle and now to have some pensive Erin time. Let me just get to my favorite window. Of course, the kitchen window because it brings in the most sunlight and eat some chips.

Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy, crunchy chips in the park. Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy, crunchy chips.

What the fuck? How am I out there as well?

Um, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.

Open's window. Hey! Hey! Hey! Erin, Erin!

Hello?

Hello? Up here.

Hey! Oh my god, you're eating chips too! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Of course, as Erin's do, let me turn you around and smell your chips.

Hey, we should kiss, right? Well, I'm not your clone.

You always kiss your clone. You never kiss another Erin.

You don't want to just see?

Are you my clone?

Well, if the shoe fits.

Okay, let's kiss. But, but, twist. Let's kiss with chips in our mouth. Yes, yes, a thousand These are Cape Cod jalapeno chips.

Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy Kiss Crunchy kiss Crunchy kiss Crunchy kiss Crunchy kiss Crunchy kiss crunchy kiss Crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunchy kiss crunch

Ah, okay.

Jesus Christ. Bringing like a bag of, like a full-sized bag of chips on a walk is insane.

You don't do chip walks?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Erin, that feels like early pandemic.

You don't walk your chips? Now that's strong mid-pandemic energy. Putting a collar on like some Doritos and taking them for a walk, that's strong mid-pandemic energy. Like, I was there.

I would never do a chip walk. I have done an Oreo drive.

Just drive, think, and eat some Oreos.

But do you deal with milk? Absolutely. And I get milk all over my car. I ruin the interior of my car.

It's worth it. The first time I saw it I was like, am I living in a Twilight Zone episode? What the fuck is happening?

I did see a TikTok where someone did that and then put a Pringles can lid on top of the mug and it fit perfectly and they carried it around. So, pretty fun.

I think, I feel like that's one of those TikToks that you're like, holy shit, what a great idea, I'm gonna do that. And then you do it, and you look down at your mug of hot coffee, and there's a melted Pringles candle in, like, in your coffee, and you're like, oh yeah, I guess the internet isn't smart.

JPC poisoned my coffee. There's just like bits of Dorito infloating in the top of your coffee, and you're like, oh, okay. Whoops. I guess I didn't want this. French coffee.

Yeah, I do Cool Ranch.

Olive and Nacho cheese medium roast.

Grande Cool Ranch with oat milk, please.

No, don't speak this into existence because it will be available in LA.

Yeah, Cool Ranch Coffee. Dunkin' Donuts.

Shout out to Blue Six, Red Dye 4.

My favorite boy bands.

Okay, Jasper, I think you're definitely going to get this one.

Okay, come on, come on, come on. Here we go.

I never ask any questions, but I get a great many answers. What am I?

I think I know the answer.

Never ask any questions. I have two guesses for this. A book? That's a great answer. That's a great answer. Oh, come on, tell me. Like, just say, Erin. I know. Just say, yes.

It's a thing.

I know. It's a valid answer, Eric.

On the guest. I'll accept it, but we also need another answer. Okay, that's fine.

Erin, can we have a new catchphrase on the show? Say yes to the guests. Wow.

Say yes to the guest. Are you saying yes to the guest? And then I go, I'm saying yes. I've watched so much say yes to the dress. It's insane.

That's actually so topical right now because I'm getting married in seven weeks. Congratulations. My fiance actually got her dress from say yes to the dress, like literally like an hour and something away from us here in the digits outside of Manchester. There's like a say yes to the yes shop where they film a bunch of stuff. And that's where she got her dress from.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

So we're getting married in this dope, converted barn, which has got these floor-to-ceiling windows, and up one side. And you can see into the kitchen, where they do big rotisserie cooking, because it's a very foodie venue, because we're foodies. And then my favourite thing is that either side of where we get married, there's these two massive, they're like eight Thanks for watching!

Yeah, I guess you can deliver them to my house.

Yeah, exactly. I'll take them home. Like, if you want them, I'll take them. I don't know where they're going to go. That's magical. They are so cool. I genuinely think I'm going to get chills, like, seeing them all lit, like, on the wedding day. I'm like, ah, it's going to be so sick.

Everybody makes fun of my infinite black void back here, but guess what? I got two eight foot tall candelabras back there and they fit like a snug as a bug in a rug.

Yeah. Jasper, please send us pictures of that wedding because I definitely want to see that space. And Aaron, can I ask you? When he said floor to window giant windows, did you immediately start to tear up because you imagine yourself looking out those amazing windows?

Yeah, I was like, maybe there's a lady eating chips out those windows.

Aaron, I'm going to take us to break with the answer, I believe. Oh, wow. Is it either a telephone or a doorbell?

It's a doorbell.

See you after the break.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Can I ask what spaghetti is?

It's like a thin noodle. My dog is spaghetti. She's a German Shepherd mix and she hates the fucking mail. And I think we just got some mail. She's a cutie, but she don't like it when people walk or talk or look at her house.

That's kind of like her job. You know what I mean? Like she was kind of made to do that.

She's just doing a job. You know what I mean? It's 4pm and her shift just fucking started. And it goes all the way baby.

She just punched in. She is ready to go. She is fired up for this shift.

As you can probably tell, we are back from break. Did anyone eat anything good over our break?

I literally just put a couple Dunkin' Donuts hash browns in my mouth.

Where did you eat them?

Sorry, well, can I ask, what the heck is a Dunkin' Donut hash brown?

Ooh, I think Erin, being from Austin, you are the most apt to describe what Dunkin' Donuts is.

I don't know what Dunkin' Donuts is. I've been to Dunkin' Donuts. What's a Dunkin' Donuts hash brown?

In the beginning, Brendan Dinsola first appeared in Quincy, Massachusetts.

Out of the primordial soup, back when Pangaea was around, so a hash brown is just a little medallion of potato.

Oh okay, so that's like a hash brown. Okay, in my head, I was thinking it was some sort of donut-based snack.

Oh no.

Cool the hash brown and I was like, wait, is there bread and potato? What's going on?

Can I just say you have an amazing read on Americans? Because we do.

Yeah, that's like perfectly plausible, right? That wasn't just me making something up. That was perfectly plausible.

I have had burgers here that are instead of buns, it's Krispy Kreme donuts. So let's not get ourselves. We're monsters.

Yeah. Wow. That sounds good though.

Do you think they have to go to Dunkin Donuts, order a dozen donuts and be like, and go ahead and fill in all those little holes in the donuts with hash brown rounds? Hash browns? How many hash browns do I have to buy? Top off. Fill her up. Top it off. There should be a name for that order. You're like, hey, can I have the worst thing on the menu? Can I get the hash top, please? Can I get a dozo with the hash top?

Thank you.

It doesn't dozo with the hash top. I'm gonna try ordering it and be like, oh, it's so weird at my other Dunkin Donuts. This is just how I ordered it.

That sounds like a Drake lyric. I got that dozen donuts with a hashtag.

I'm coming back to America in May. I will be trying to order a hashtag. Try a hashtag.

Just say it with confidence and someone will make something happen.

I'm also British, so they'll probably be like, he knows what he's talking about.

I think I just received a direct order from an Admiralty Officer. I think I have to make it.

Is this the Dollar General? Not bad.

Okay cuties, back to riddles.

Erin's sticking to a bunch of little tangerines.

You can't talk to me like that.

Yeah, you're a bunch of tangerines. Oh, okay. I guess I am. You're citrus. Citrus fruits. You're so sweet.

Tangerine.

Yeah, tangerine. Oh, I regret this. I immediately regret it. Okay, so the next few riddles I think we've done before. So Adal and JBC, you've got no excuse.

Okay.

What is the last thing you take off when you go to bed?

Your face.

Adam, we got him.

He's an alien. We got him. We got him. Yeah, Gemma, before she goes to bed, she's always like, let me take off my face. Oh, now that is the thing that people say.

But you do that when you, like, you're completely naked and then you take your makeup off. Like, like, your thing, like, that's the way you imagine this. Yeah, how about you get all my body makeup off? And then you...

I take a shower, but I've got it hooked up so it's just a shower of nail polish remover.

Aaron, I think I have the answer. What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? The edge. I have a bottle of bourbon next to my nightstand. I know my dreams are going to be stressful. I take a big 32-ounce gulp of that and I sleep like a baby. Done.

Aaron, the answer is you are a pilot and the last thing that you take off is the plane. And then, lights out. Yeah, because we all know the thing flies itself.

They basically fly themselves these days. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say, take the weight off my feet. Ooh.

Yeah, you got it.

That is fantastic. Jasper.

Yes, your feet from the floor. Jasper.

Take off your feet from the floor. Jasper.

Whoa. And we've done that and I didn't remember it.

Also, GPC, I don't want to, sorry, I don't want to halt the show, but I do. You said the thing flies itself. Actually, Ben Grimm, when he becomes a thing, becomes very dense and heavy. Reed Richards still has to fly the plane, and if not, Sue Stormwell.

He just drops right through the plane. He just drops right through the plane.

Do you think invisible means non-existent? If the invisible man touches a tree in a forest, does anyone? Does the tree feel that touch? How's he touching this tree? I don't know. Riddle me that, you know what I'm saying?

What question can never be answered by yes, by saying yes?

How much do weigh?

Yeah, I guess that works. Yeah?

Yes. How much do weigh? Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Yes. I think I know the answer and it's kind of tied to the last one. Is that right, Erin?

Yeah.

Is it, are you awake? Or are you asleep? Are you awake?

Are you asleep? Are you awake? Are you awake? Yeah.

Are you awake as the only question you can't answer with yes?

I do want to see a scene.

Great.

I do have a lot in my sleep though, so I feel like that's- You do? Yeah, I have like- Anything good? Oh, like honestly, it's a freaking circus. My poor fiance has to put up with so much.

What's the buzz tell me what's happening? What's the buzz tell me?

Honestly, no, I like wake up. I'll like wake up, chat, and I'm like, I'm like, beep, beep, beep. I'm like talking to her like this and she's like, what, what are you talking about? And then I'll wake up halfway through the sentence and be like, and I've gone back to sleep. And she's just like, what the hell? Now I'm awake. You've just rolled over, go back to sleep. You don't remember a thing. And I laugh at myself like, ha, I was sleeping. I'm just like a cheap napkin fully awake in the middle of the night. Yeah, I'm a nightmare. I'm a nightmare to the next day. Silly me. Whoopsie. Just a silly tangerine.

Just seven weeks, Jasper. It'll be worth it. I've seen Erin and Jasper, you are a married couple. You're about to go to bed. Erin, suddenly you have a bunch of questions you want to ask and a bunch of conversation starters. Jasper, you're kind of, yeah, just like you were saying, almost asleep, and then you kind of answer, but you're basically trying to end the conversation and go to bed.

Ah. Night. Night sweetheart. Yeah, okay. Pssst.

Do you think that if we were born 200 years ago, that we would still meet and fall in love?

Wait, sorry. Uh, what do you think? I was trying to sleep.

And also, if we met 200 years in the future, do you think we would still meet and fall in love or do you think it was just our current circumstances?

Oh, I guess I'd probably say we're like soulmates, so yeah, we'd still be together, don't worry about it.

Did you know that elephants are pregnant for two years?

Yeah, I'd love to be asleep for that long.

That'd be cool. Does it hurt when you do this with your arm?

How are you doing that? How? It hurts. I don't know it hurts. No sweetheart, don't do that. Please don't do that. Oh, okay. Please remove the- okay. Okay. Okay. Let's just, uh, hey! You know, I was thinking actually, did you know that elephants sleep for like 12 hours a day? Well, crazy. Okay. Night. That's crazy.

That's crazy. Okay. You had to take one color out of the color wheel.

Okay.

What do you think people would be the least mad about losing?

I would currently take white out of the colour wheel, which takes all colour out of existence, which just leaves black. Behind my eyelids, just black. Let me see... black. Now, please.

Well, I hope you got a good night's sleep because I can't pilot the plane today, so you're gonna have to step up, Mr. Co-Pilot. And contrary to public opinion, these things do not fly themselves. They are so fucking hard to fly!

Jerry, why did we let my wife in the cockpit again? Like, I've told you, I just need to sleep. Hey guys, guys. Yes, sweetie, yes, hi. Hi.

Yes, Sean's wife. If you were a smell, what smell would you be and why?

Easy apples. Same. And of course, Erin looks out the plane window and sees another Erin on the wing of the plane eating chips.

It's like the Twilight Zone episode. Sean, I do that to my boyfriend every single night. There's no time on earth that I need more attention than when the 10 minutes of someone trying to fall asleep. I need it or I'll die.

My fiancé's thing is she loves me talking about football, as in, so for Americans, I mean soccer. She's like, it sends her straight to sleep. And I have a great old time just chatting football to myself. I'm just there like, look, but if we're going to win the season, here's what we're going to need to do. And she's like, and I'm still there with like tactics board in bed. Like, yes, this is great. She's snoring with her eyes open on her phone. Yeah, nodding.

Erin Mariah is the same way where she, she loves like bedtime secrets. Like she loves like the little chatter before bed. And I'm like, I can go to sleep right now. I can fall asleep right now if I need to. If my head hits a pillow, 90% chance I'm blacked out right there. That's what needs to happen.

Me and Mariah need to start FaceTiming at night. We can bother each other.

Since everyone's divulging, I'll say something about Gemma, which is she'll say she's going to bed. She'll go upstairs, lay in bed. I'll be downstairs doing whatever. Suddenly I'll get over the next four hours 500 little videos. And I reply to every single one, going to bed are we? And then she gets upset. She'll also every once in a while, every few months, I'll wake up and she's like upset with me and it's cause Adal, uh, Dream Adal did something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a real one.

I had a dream, I had an awful dream where you did XYZ and I'm like, okay, but we're back in reality, so.

I was mad at Sean for a whole day when he cheated on me in an hour dream, my dream. An hour dream! An hour dream! She said hour dream! You share Dream Z? Shit, Sean, I told them, run!

We share everything.

Sean, I caught you fucking around in our dream. It's like, uh, I feel like there's three things I shouldn't be in trouble for here.

One of my very close friends told me this story once. I think it's still one of the funniest things that's ever happened. He was dating someone for about like two or three weeks. They spent a night together. He woke up to her holding a pillow over his head. Not for like very long, like just for like a bit, right? Like for like enough to like wake him up and bother him. And he like woke up and was like, what the heck are you doing? What the heck are you doing? And she was like, you did that to me in my sleep. So I wanted you to see how it felt. And he was like, I'm leaving. Oh my god. Genuinely one of the funniest things that I've ever, like I was like crying because he was just basically saying how he was trying to get dressed, just trying to, desperately trying to explain to her why what she did was so wrong. And she just wasn't getting it. That's wild.

Incredible. Didn't Sean once throw you out the window or something because he thought he was a spy? That's Mike Burbigly.

Yeah, Sean, we just stopped watching Mission Impossible because he thought he was a spy. I woke up and he was creeping along the side of the wall, and I was like, we live 10 stories up, this is not safe.

No more Mission Impossible.

Before bed, we gotta watch Mission Impossible with daylight hours.

The worst thing that I've ever done, because I get this weird sleep stuff, where I woke up once, saw my now fiancé getting sucked through a hole in the bed, and was convinced- But that happens! Right, exactly, that happens all the time. But I was convinced that someone was going to kidnap her or was trying to kidnap her. So I got her out of bed, made her stand up against the wall. Bear in mind, we were like an Airbnb in like a random place that neither of us knew. Made her stand up against the wall and then started looking under the bed, started looking in the cupboards, started looking in the bathrooms. All the while I'm asleep, I then start laughing, get back into bed, go to sleep.

Oh my god.

She doesn't sleep a wink for like four hours and I wake up and she is just staring at me like, what is wrong with you, you little strange man?

That whole time she's staring at the engagement ring and she's like, it's nice, but it's not that nice. It's not that nice.

So, here's our next riddle. Are we ready?

Please. Yes.

What is found in the middle of both America and Australia?

Got it.

Colonizers.

Okay. Is it the letter? Okay. Let's see here. Is it going to be a letter, Erin? Is it the letter R?

Marsupials.

No, Adal got it.

No, I can do more. I will say I'm prepping for a trip to Australia soon. Shrubberies. In every cocktail bar in America, I am terrified of all the spiders and snakes in Australia.

Thanks for watching!

Yeah.

Turned back on. Why are you joking? Oh, where is it? No, I'm not kidding.

Are they wearing shoes?

Yeah.

Tattoos. Tattoos. Yeah, they got little booties. Like they got workman boots with the steel toe cap. Steel toe shoes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it.

They kill poison spiders, though, Adal, so they're not too bad.

I'm spidering here.

Erin, when you lived in Australia, how many snakes and spiders did you see daily?

So many. I told you one time I saw a spider eating a snake in a cave. And I was like, I have to go home. No, no, no, no, no. Was it a sex thing? Yeah, of course.

Obviously. Obviously. My first night I was in Australia, my cousins took me for a walk. They were like, oh yeah, let's go for a walk, mate, this'll be fine. I didn't realise that they refer to themselves as this as well, so I'm not trying to be offensive. They refer to themselves as bogans, which is basically like rednecks for Australians. And they were like, let's go for a walk. And I was like, okay, but isn't it kind of dangerous outside? And they were like, Yeah, that's the fun. And I'm like, okay. And then we're just walking along. And at one point he just goes, wow. And I'm like, okay, what's that? And he gets his phone torch out, like holds it up, like close to his face. And literally, like, I'm trying to do like a width of my hand away from his face is this black and white striped spider, not very big. And he takes a picture and shows me on his face, that's the second most poisonous spider in the world that I've ever been in 10 minutes. And I was like, What? Why am I here? This is horrendous.

This is the worst thing I've ever done. Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Yeah I'm never going to Florida, like ever. Like the amount of like, oh look they're in my swimming pool. I'm like hell no. Look at the size of that thing. And it's just sat on the bottom of your janky swimming pool looking the same as the bottom of your janky swimming pool. Like you just saw its eyes move. That's how you knew it was there. Terrifying.

Florida has alligators, which unlike crocodiles, you're just dumb as shit. They're just idiots.

You can tap them on the nose. Hey, fuck you. Hey, fuck you. Hey, fuck you.

And they have good news is they also have fascism now. So Florida is getting even better by the day.

That was fascist alligators. I mean, come on. What are they doing? Just a couple of right wing alligators.

All right. We're good. Let's do a few more of these.

Okay. But we should say the Everlades run on time.

Sorry. What is it that lives in the winter, dies in the summer, and grows with its roots upward? Bears.

Is one of those right?

Is either one of those right or the combination right?

No.

Crows in the winter dies in the summer. And what was the last part? Roots up?

Roots up might get 100%.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Erin, is this icicles?

Yes. Yes! Whoa, whoa. Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans?

Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also be humans? Couldn't it also

I like the human angle on that one as well.

Um, JPC, Jasper, and Erin, the three of you are icicles. Um, it is, uh, slowly becoming or quickly becoming summer or spring, I guess would be the more appropriate season. Great. And the three of you are slowly kind of withering away and you're, you're trying to kind of tick off your bucket list before, um, you melt away.

Oh, I, um, really want to sing a song. I love to sing a song just like a sweet little you know like operatic song you know like a haunting boy song Kyle it does not count as a bucket list you sing every day please Kyle do not say everyone is begging you not to sing Kyle Kyle I'm gonna be alive for another level here he goes

Are you crying or sweating?

The fact that you can't tell the difference is exactly why we shouldn't be friends anymore.

We're all not gonna be friends. We're all gonna be puddles on the ground, okay? What? Can I say something? This is my first summer, what do you mean? This is just me, this is just me being honest. I kind of hate how fucking good I look right now. Like I know I'm on the way out and it sucks, but this is maybe the best, I mean I feel good.

That's toxic.

I feel like I'm glistening.

He does have a good girth though, he's a good girth. Yeah.

I'm girthy, I'm glowing, I'm glistening, like this is me, I feel like me. The sun's hitting you just right. I know! On my good icicle side.

Kyle, Caleb, I know I give you both a hard time, but what if we decide to meet back up here next year and become icicles in the very same roof?

What do you say? Yo.

That's really cool.

I mean, I would love to.

I'm gonna spend the whole of summer finding new songs to sing. Like, so many new songs. Okay, I'll be busy next winter.

I'll be busy next winter.

Thanks for watching!

It goes into the ground, it goes into a river, it goes into a cloud, and they all meet back together next winter, and they're like, how is everyone summer? It's like, oh my god, I went to Spain. How'd you get to Spain? Precipitation. Precipitation.

Oh my god, I was drank. It was traumatic. The inside of the human body is disgusting. Okay. One more, two more. One more, two more. I don't get this one. I don't know what it's all about. Suppose there was a cat in each corner of the room. Cat sitting opposite each cat, a cat looking at each cat, and a cat sitting on each cat's tail. How many cats would there be? Fuck y'all. Good luck.

What?

And one cat, one cat eating chips looking at the other cat's going yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep y

Four cats. Four cats.

You got it.

There's four cats. They're all sat on their own tails. They're all looking at each other. Yeah, four cats. Boom. Mic drop. Let's go. Incredible. What the fuck? You're a ringer. I told you. I told you. It's ten seconds or nothing.

You called your shot at the beginning of the episode. I've never seen a shot called that successfully in all of my years.

I told you. It's either clicking or it's not. Jasper, we do have to, legally we have to make you a full-time host now. You are Jasper, the friendly host. That's a fun little nickname we just gave you.

Okay, let's go. I'll get my agent to contact you. Let's go, I'm down. Let's go. This is a friendly time zone for me. I'm not normally doing stuff at 20 to 11 at night. You know what I mean?

It's an honor that you decided to do this.

I truly have to say, just full stop real quick, I truly, no hyperbole, I truly have to say from any guest we've ever had and from the three of us hosts, that was the most impressive solve I've ever seen on this show.

Yeah.

I genuinely agree.

We'll send you an award in the mail.

How did you get my address? Please delete that.

You said you're an hour outside of Manchester and also buy like a dress barn or something. I was paying attention.

I'm on my machine trying to find it. You said you're getting married in a dress barn, right? Yes, yes, yes.

Alright, we're gonna do one more.

Take us home, Erin. Perfect. Take us home.

Erin, take us home.

Erin, take us home. We're bored.

Erin, are we there yet? And you will listen to the good lady reading the riddles.

I hate you. Listen to the good lady. Come on. I'm with you, Erin. I'm listening.

Thank you. God, it is so nice to have one person here that likes and respects me. Isn't it nice, guys? Adal, isn't it nice to have someone here that respects me?

Adal, Erin, and JPC don't do that. No.

I'm really mean to both of them, and I feel bad about it sometimes.

It's nice to have one person here that likes and respects me, I say to no one.

Yeah, I feel kind of bad. I came in straight in with the, like, going for you, JPC, for like no reason. Yeah, you got the vibe. You got it right. You got it right. Entirely no reason. Yeah, so I apologize. Well, it's just his face. Yeah, I apologize, but if you could stop talking, that would be great. Like, that would be sweet.

Okay. What is the best thing to make in a hurry?

Time? A mess.

Makeup time?

You're on the right track.

What's the best thing to make in a hurry? I guess it's crispy treats.

Adal, yes, technically correct, but no.

What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Make waste. Make up.

No, I thought you had it for a second, but I... Waste?

Waste? Waste? Waste not want not. Make haste.

Not waste. Make haste. Make haste. Yeah. Nice.

Of course haste is short for Hastings Pudding, which is a club at Harvard.

Wow. It's been a while since we got a riddle because you got the rhyme, you got a rhyming word correct and then you worked backwards from the rhyme.

Appropriate with a British guest. We learned Cockney rhyming slang last time we had a... We know all about Cockney rhyming slang now. Hey, there we go. Up the old apples and pears.

I love it. Yeah, nice. That was like one of the only ones that just like came to my head. I was like, what have I got? Truly though, Cockney Rhyming Slag is anything. Like I've known a couple of like true cockneys before and I'm like, oh, it's just anything that you can think of that rhymes. There is no like set like other than like apples and pears. That's the only ones I've heard like consistently. Otherwise they just make it up. I'm convinced they just make it up.

We did an episode where we did a Cockney rhyming song that we had to try to guess, and one of our patrons, they were like, you guys said this on the show, and it means this. And the person who did the Cockney rhyming song was like, I've actually never heard that before, but it's all, it's everything is everything.

Everything is assumed.

So, yeah. Jasper, thank you so, so much for coming on. This was an absolute delight. Do you have anything that you would like to plug for our listeners?

Thank you so much for having me. This has been a complete blast. It was lovely to do this. What would I like to plug? I guess I'd like to plug Three Black Halflings. That's the main podcast that I do. I'm doing some others at the moment. I'm on a show called Games and Feelings, which is all about Navigating your feelings when playing games because there's no instruction manual for your feels when you play the games. Exactly. I'm also starting as a host on the Performance Capture podcast, which is all about how to get into video game acting and demystifying all the weird dots and cameras and things that are on your face. Um, and yeah, I think other than that, just like, if you want to follow me, you can. I've got JW on a school car, right? I've got some really cool stuff coming up, which I'm so excited to shout about, but I can't because it's all fricking NBA'd at the moment. And I'm like, come on, please, you're killing me over here.

That NDA wedding in seven weeks.

Yeah, that huge NDA wedding. The address is no. Wow, that would be playing with fire. But yeah, no, genuinely such a pleasure to be here. I feel honored to have been in Adal and Erin, your presence. It's been great.

There's actually a cream that you can take if you've been in my presence.

You're actually entitled to some compensation.

Have you been to the presence of a JPC? Call the number at the bottom of the screen.

You might have mesophilioma. Erin, anything you'd like to plug?

Well, I'd like to plug sitcom D&D. Jasper, we haven't talked about this, but technically you are slotted to be on season three of sitcom D&D. Ah, yes, I am.

Let's do that.

That'll be in the second half of the season.

Wait, how have you never talked about it but it's happening?

You don't know.

Kind of like connections. People putting emails in and then people being busy and then getting to reply to emails for me.

That's the long answer. The short answer is the internet.

I'll say it.

GPC shut up. Yeah, the internet.

The internet. Yeah, but that I think is going to be really, really fun. We're so excited to have you on the show. And I think we picked fun characters for you. So that'll be great. And that's all to plug for me. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, please check out Magic Tavern. I think we just hit our eight-year anniversary. Holy shit. Having some fun. Wow. Erin was on our eight-year anniversary. Erin and Steve Altinas, Tom Blaine-Belleroth, and Olivia. I forget Olivia's last name. Nielsen. Nielsen, thank you so much. I wanted to say Coleman, and then I'm like, nope, that's one of my favorite actresses. But big gift. Huge gift. Huge, yeah. Unbelievable. Oscar winner. Also, please check out my new game show podcast, Tell Me About It, by Multitude, produced by Multitude, and also co-starring Eric Silver.

Hey, it's altitude. We're multitudes buddies. Games and feelings, it's multitudes. Yeah, I do that with Riddle. And me and Eric literally co-host that show. That's incredible, I did not know that. What does this guy co-host? Well Jasper, then you have to- We need to co-host together. Me and you to complete the trifecta of, you know what I mean?

We'll do a podcast prank calling JPC, daily.

Yeah, I love that.

Just to wind up spaghetti and make his life far. It'll be cold, why doesn't this guy have feelings? Jasper will have to have you on, tell me about it sometime. Yes! I'm out of your games with Felix. Let's do it. There we go. GPC. What do you wanna do?

When this episode comes out, it'll be this weekend. So it'll be Saturday the 11th. I am doing a, I'll say it right now, I'm doing probably a 12 hour stream. It's a fundraiser stream, raising money for my older brother's city council run. So he is trying to be coming city councilor in Indianapolis. And if you live in Indianapolis, you can vote for him. But if you don't live in Indianapolis, you can help raise money for his campaign. That is twitch.tv slash shark barkman Saturday, March 11th. Starting probably around 10am Central Time, so come hang out, throw some money at us, there will be some incentives for you to give away your money that I'm not too excited about, but you should still join, and Adal and Erin will be there for at least part of it, so you'll probably see them.

It would be a normal time for me. They couldn't hear, we couldn't hear them in the studio, but the people at home could hear everyone. And we tried to run a game of D&D and it was 13 hours into the Jeff's 24 hour live stream. And he was just like, what's going on? It was a, it was an interesting experience.

Hey, I will say that I followed a lot of that on social media and it looked like a lot of fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a wild time. Two quick questions. One, JPC correct me if I'm wrong, isn't the current city council official in Indianapolis, isn't that a pigeon with two heads?

Hey Riddle.

I think that that pigeon with two heads when one of them's a coin is from Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Jasper come back anytime.

Hey there maples and leafs. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We do more public access TV shows, but this time they're coming from the land of Canada. You can listen to that and the entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle and joining the clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew. And you get those ad free episodes for $8 a month. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.