Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle team, if you're hearing my voice, the unthinkable has happened. I was carried away by small birds in the night and dropped from the sky to my demise.

I'm in the kitchen. You tell me what's happening because I'm washing dishes.

This voice recording is my last will and testament voice recording.

On a tape.

I leave all my money at my house.

Adal can cave exploring?

Hold on, you're talking at the same time. Hold on.

I'm not talking at the same time as me.

What do you mean? To Erin Keif.

I leave you with a sense of wonderment.

What is life? You got this, Erin. You got this. Hey, man. These dishes are not getting clean. Adal didn't leave you anything either. I think he left it all to Casey.

Adal's here? No, he's dead.

Adal's dead. Adal's dead. He sent us a tape that was his will, but I don't know if it's legally binding. Let's try to see if we can get more of his money.

Adal's at the Cape with will and they're legally binding each other? Adal's getting married to Will!

And as my last gift, I leave you this one-sided audio of a full Hey Riddle Riddle episode with guests. If you can work around it and make it sound like it's something kind of piecemeal it together.

No, I'm just gonna bring Adal back from the dead.

Yeah, way easier.

Go backyard.

There you go. Hi. Oh, worms in the mouth. Worms in the mouth.

That was me. I'm sorry. Apologies.

JP says that would be funny to put worms in your mouth.

I didn't think you'd be coming back.

I was going to say, I'm in a casket. Why do I have... Uh, what happened? Guys, what happened?

Well, good morning to you as well. You die.

I'm being rude, I'm sorry. I got brought back alive and I'm being rude. Okay, let me put in my contacts because my eyes seem to have recessed into my head. Let me blink blink and who do we have here? Oh, it looks like we have. From the Head Gun podcast Review Review, it looks like I'm staring at Riley and Alfred. Is that right?

We also just came back from the dead, so this is a crazy coincidence that happened this morning.

Hold on, you're throwing that around pretty loosely. I see you wearing a tie-dyed Grateful Dead concert t-shirt. Is that what you're talking about? You just came back from the dead?

We came back from the dead! You guys should have seen it was amazing! Alfred's going crazy.

I've been following them for like six weeks now since my first time sleeping in my own bed in a really long time. Wow!

First of all, Reilly and Alfred, thank you so much for coming on. We're very excited to have you.

Thank you for having us.

Thank you. Can I say, I know, do the math, I know five or six people in my life who follow fish around, like their fish heads or whatever they're called, whatever Dr. Demento calls them.

It's called scuba diving. Thank you.

There's a term. They follow them all around. And all of them, I think, make like high six figures. like I don't think I think fish that's amazing I think like jam bands like Grateful Dead and fish and mo and I think there's a sense of like we're just like hippies and like hey man like we're so I have dirty jean shorts on but they're all Megan Bank, right?

No, you can't take months out of your life to follow a band. I remember when Harry Styles was on tour, there was this girl on TikTok who was going to like every single concert in every city, had like a new outfit on for each. And I'm like, you have got your flush. You're not. You're doing fine if you can follow Harry to Arizona.

And Reilly, I appreciate you saying a girl on TikTok to kind of disguise who it was about, but I don't mind saying I think Harry Styles is great. Love is acting. He's an actor first in my heart. That's the best part of him.

And can I say also, Reilly, to follow Harry to Arizona is one of my favorite Meg Ryan movies. I wish more people had seen it. I think it's her tour de force.

It is. It is the unsung sequel to Harry Menson.

On Harry's sequel, even. Thank you. Oh, who is that?

Oh, no. Oh, that was me. But I can go back over here.

You brought me back to life. So please.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Go back over. I was gonna ask And Riley, we've asked you this before because you were on our show. We found out it was July of 2020, which God bless all of us for trying to do comedy during that time. But what is your relationship with riddles or puzzles or escape rooms or lateral thinking problems? Do you like them? Do you hate them? Where do you stand?

Um, I'll go first because Riley's already its old hat at this point for Riley. We all remember Riley's answer.

We all remember. Everyone listening is like, oh, we don't need to hear it.

The thing that stands out the most about July 2020 to me.

One memory that sticks on my mind.

But no, I was, I was a kid who hated school. I did not enjoy it at any point. I was bad at reading and writing and math. And okay, come on. And so anytime there was like anything where it was like, you know, Sally, you know, is a doctor, but she doesn't have any pumpkin, you know, where you're like crossing off. I don't know.

I'm sorry, Alfred. I'm so sorry. You're our guest and I'm really gonna stop you. What was this?

So like, it would be like, okay.

She's a doctor, she doesn't have any pumpkins. Yeah Adal, she's a doctor. It's 2023.

Adal, don't be a dick. Just cross it off the list of riddles you were gonna ask this week and move on.

We don't have to- Sorry, Riley's got me dead to rights. I get the pumpkins part, but she's a doctor?

She's a doctor. That's the riddle. What the fuck?

I'm also just shocked that you've done so many episodes and you've never come across that riddle. I think that riddle to me is one of the kind of core... It sounds like a Tom Petty lyric.

She's a doctor, but she's got no pumpkins. That wasn't Tom Petty. That was Bob Dylan.

Yeah, well that wasn't Tom Petty, but it still sounds like a Tom Petty lyric. Okay, so you weren't you were you Sally the Dr. Pumpkins Riddle continue.

Yeah, sorry that Sally the Dr. Pumpkins Riddle, you know, and it would be like, okay, Brian's a lawyer and he's got no shoes. And I I just I didn't know any excuse to do something that felt more like a game than learning. I was all in on when it comes to like strict riddles. I guess strict. Strict riddles. The British style. None is hitting my hands with a ruler if I get it wrong. I was pretty bad at those, I guess. I guess what I'm learning about myself is I wasn't a good student or a good thinker. And so, I don't know, I think This is a really dire confession.

We gotta talk after.

Yeah, Alfred, I think we can edit this podcast, right? Can we maybe see if Alfred says something more positive later in the show that we've gotta cut together.

You can Frankenstein it to be like, I love learning and thinking.

Reilly, we can Frankenstein monster it. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Got me. Actually.

Anyways, you know what we were saying?

I mean, I was always like in the upper 90th percentile for height. So I had that going for me. I wasn't coordinated enough to use that to my advantage in any sort of sport, but I was certainly big. So I had that going for me. They couldn't take that away. There was no ride at the theme park. I couldn't ride.

That's like a friend of ours. His name is Arnie and he's I want to say six six six seven But his dad is like a pretty well-known respected lauded college basketball coach And I always think of like and he has no interest in playing basketball at all even though he's so tall and big but I just think of like the how devastated his dad must have been of like 6.7 and you don't want to pivot in the lane? Come on buddy. And Alfred, for people who don't know, because I think we just found out, you live in Chicago currently. Were you born and bred?

No, so I... Speaking of strict school marms, I was born in the UK. I was born in Scotland. I can hear it now. Yeah, that thick Scottish brogue I had going on. I'm mistakeable. Shrek over here. Both my parents are English, born in Scotland, grew up in Virginia for the most part. Wow.

So that's why you hear the kind of weird mix. It's British and then it's Southern and Scottish all at the same time. I love it so much.

You know, and I wish the internet as a whole agreed with you, but that's fine. So, and then I lived in Boston for a while. That's where Riley and I met. We went to college together in Boston. And then now I actually, I moved to, to our fair city of Chicago. Uh, I guess if I had to put it in time, I would say a couple months after you guys recorded, uh, Reilly's episode of Video, just using that, that, that timestamp that we all keep close to our hearts. It was like October 2020.

And then you say that you went to a little college in Boston. We can all assume that that's Harvard, right? I mean, we all know.

You can assume that if you like.

Is it BU? Am I remembering? It's BU. Go Terriers. It is Go Terriers. Boston University. I remembered. Pretty cool. I am from Boston. Like I said, if we hold January, sorry, July 2016.

January 6th.

No, keep going. Say it, Reilly. Say it. You were there. We're there.

I do want to give a shout out to the little college in Boston, MIT, Miniature Institute of Technology. If you're a Lilliputian college kid and you're looking for a place to call home, I do want to carve out maybe just 10 seconds because our beloved Erin Keif is from Boston. Erin, why don't you just toss out Boston institutions and we'll see if they go, oh yeah.

Oh, that's good. Let's see, Boston University.

Oh, I know that one. Stop, stop, I hate it.

I know that one. Fenway Park. Okay. Nevermind.

I hate this.

Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

She loved it.

She loved it. George Gorgina. The Aquarium. I know her.

The Aquarium, Erin.

And I'm done. I'm done. I've never been to Boston.

Just the one that works for any major city. Oh, the Aquarium.

The big building, the other smaller buildings. Yes, I love those.

Well, let's start off. This is mostly for Alfred because Alfred, I feel for you, buddy. It sounds like you do not want to be on this podcast.

We hate riddles and puzzles too.

What if I'm really good at it now? What if I throw one out and I just get it right away?

For those of you who don't remember and obviously we all remember so it's not even worth me repeating but it's like I love riddles I love puzzles. I love an escape room. I love an escape room. It's like, that is my shit. I love an escape room. I love a riddle. I'm not as good as riddles as I am escape rooms, but I guess like that's why Alf and I, you know, we make a good team because I'm good at all the stuff he's bad at. And I guess that's the only way it goes.

And I'm bad at all the stuff you're good at. It's a really great song about what we have going on.

This is like the woman who cuts her hair and sells it and the guy who sells his watch.

Oh, get some Adal. The silver lining here is Alfred, even if you have a terrible time on today's podcast, it sounds like it will be better than your childhood experience.

It's better than my childhood experience. Not hard. I think that this could be a real opportunity for me to fall back in love with learning. I mean, maybe I go and I get some sort of master's degree after this could be really cool for me.

We're about to change the life, y'all.

What a testimonial for the show. Like, as people, like, review, be like, this was so much fun. Laughed a lot. I was like, it made me fall back in love with learning. I'm now in grad school and I've never felt more certain of anything in my entire life.

Honestly, our primary listening demographic is people stressed out at grad school. So we have that. You're on the right podcast.

Well let's start off, these are, I don't want to call these easy, these are just shorter, kind of wobbly bottles. Please don't call them easy.

This one's for babies.

But these are called hink pinks, and a hink pink is going to be a very short riddle or very short question.

Buy us dinner first before we get into the hink pinks.

One in the hink and two in the pinks. So these are a very short question of Riddle, and it's going to lead to a two-word answer, and the two words in the answer will rhyme. Does that make sense? So for example, if I said a musical vegetable cob, that might be a corn horn. That is right. Wow, Alfred. Wow.

I just emailed you over some grad school applications. Your eyes are bleeding.

MIT, here we come. This could be a grad school application, honestly.

So let's take a look at some of the other ones here. And these are all just so I don't get any emails pointing it out. These are Thanksgiving themed and yes, we missed the boat. I get it.

Hey, it always comes back around.

But we're running out of riddles, everyone.

And also, we're recording this right before Thanksgiving. Yeah, right before. It's your fault for listening to it when we put it out.

What would you call a smoke-dried gobbler snack? A smoke-dried gobbler snack? A turkey?

A dry thigh?

I think I heard it.

Oh, Turkey Jerky, that was probably it. You're not telling me, you're telling me it wasn't dry thigh? I'm sorry, that feels wrong.

To be fair, I do have psoriasis, or as I call it, dry thigh. I do want to see, I do want to see a scene. Erin, you did get it right. Just to heap praise on Erin Bingo Bingo Hatata was Turkey Jerky. I do want to see a quick scene. Erin and Reilly, you are two turkeys who are just absolute jerks. Um, and JPC, you are two, um, pretty, pretty, like, um, very kind. I'm two, I'm two things? Uh, sorry, JPC and Alfred, you are two.

Okay, guys. I was like, as an effort to not cast me in a scene, I was like, you gave him two parts? You were each pointing two characters. Uh, character number one. High school all over again. So, Erin Reilly.

Unfortunately, we, uh, the auditions were great, but, uh, we're gonna have to cast one person in all four parts because most people didn't bring it.

I need to see the scene, but Alfred, I assume that you did theater in high school?

You'd be assuming correctly.

What role should you have gotten or did you want so bad that you were supposed to get?

I mean, I guess my whole identity could be boiled down to the fact that I always wanted to play like a romantic lead, an ingenue. I did get to play bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream, not a romantic lead. And then finally my senior year, the theater teacher was like, you know what? Let's give this guy a win. Let's let him play a romantic lead part. And the show they did choose was ultimately Cyrano de Bergerac, where the romantic lead is like sort of hideous to look at and nobody wants anything to do with him. And the kind of whole conceit of the show is, what if this fugly asshole was really grumpy and in love the whole time? So I did get to experience love, but it is ultimately a tragic story. Wow.

Also huge. Yeah, I would be a Gotham villain if that happened to me.

Alfred, you're in good company. I was also a high school bottom. No. Cut that out of the episode. That's like the best role though. Bottom is the best role, yeah.

That's the best role. We're doing a scene. We're turkey jerks. Hold on.

Erin dead stop. We're recasting the scene. We're doing a- Also been like Cinder a couple of times. Not to make it about that. Brand new scene. I apologize to those who I cast. I'm pinning up a brand new cast list on the cork board. JPC and Reilly, I'm so sorry you won't see your names on it. Erin, you are a jerk of a turkey. Alfred, you are the most handsome lead character you've ever seen. You're attracted to this turkey jerk. This is high school and you're the quarterback. You're the lead hockey scorer. You kick the ball the best in soccer. So you are the ingenue, Alfred, and you're meeting this turkey jerk.

Hey, step out of the way, I gotta get to my... Oh!

Oh, uh, didn't see it down there. I'm really tall for a turkey.

Oh yeah, yeah, me too, me too. Um, sorry, uh, this is my locker. It sort of sucks that you're also a turkey and your voice is normal.

I had a lot of surgeries to get here. It's all the money I make from being a three-sport athlete.

Yeah, makes sense. Sorry to yell at you. I just feel really guarded in this place. I feel like no one really understands me, so I'm sort of on the offense. Not really open-hearted here.

Anyways... Hey, I know a thing or two about offense, uh, pre-sport athlete. Where does that come from, do you think, in yourself? Where's that?

How much time do you have?

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gob Dump some trauma on me. I'm all game for it if you want to explain.

Excuse me. Excuse me, you two. The bell is already rung. And so I'm going to have to write you both a detention.

Shut up, Ms. Chicken. I hate you.

I don't care. You two are going to have to report your detention. It is at Olive Garden. Here is a $40 gift card for the two of you to split. It's only, it's only, you can only use the gift card on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it's good at all.

You smash cut to Olive Garden.

Welcome to Olive Garden. I hope everyone's getting their giblets kissed. What can I do for you two young lovebirds?

Um, I am.

Are you okay?

Hey Grandma come back to the table. We're all sitting over here. I'm sorry when you hear your family. Our family is.

Although that's our family and this is our family too. I don't even know their names yet.

Okay, I'm sorry Grandma. You can introduce yourself.

Hello, I'm Louise, and you two are in love, and what are your names? Oh, oh no, this is just, wait, is this even a date, or?

This is just detention. It's not, um, I know it looks like a date, but we're just in trouble.

Oh, yeah, not a date. Oh, detention? That's kind of sexy. It's kind of like, oh, we've been bad, so this is gonna get good. I'll go back to the table.

I'm sorry. Honestly, you're helping. I'll just tell the family that you're gonna stay here for a few minutes.

Oh, you're so kind. I bet they won't mind. Will you kids? No, no, no. I'm glad you're here.

I was just about to ask him a question. Excuse me. Am I being pranked? You never noticed me before yesterday. I feel like you're gonna dump pig's blood on me or something.

Honestly, I thought I was being pranked. Me, a three-sport athlete, getting put in detention with the cutest goth turkey in the school.

I just did a bucket of pig's blood, dumps all over grandma's head, and she gets covered in pig's blood. That's right! It's me, Ashton Kutcher! Grandma, you've been pranked!

Not again! You do this once a month! I'm sick of it!

And Alfred Sturkey turns his head and we see he has like a six-foot beak.

See?

See?

Outstanding.

ABC, we said we'd fire you if you played Ashton Kutcher in one more scene, so I hope you're happy.

I was playing Ashton Kutcher, which is different. Oh, then you're good. The Russian philosopher?

It's different enough. Let's get back into more hinkpinks. What do we think that we would call a skinny supper? Fined in.

Fined in.

Yes, thinned in or thinner dinner, depending on how far you want to go. Outstanding. Alfred, you are crushing it.

I'm experiencing a high unlike anything I've ever felt before.

For people at home, Alfred is levitating above his seat.

He is vibrating.

I've never seen him happier.

It's like a cartoon character that just smelled a pie cooling on a window.

Yeah, for sure.

I've been training with Chris Angel for years.

Finally paying off.

That explains your busy shirt. What would we call a squash magician? A squash magician?

Tragic magic. No, that's all right.

Erin, that's pretty good, but we're looking for a specific magician. A gourd. A strangled Criss Angel.

Something of wizard.

Think of, well, hold on, wizards aren't magicians. I beg to differ. Frodo Baggins, pick a card, any card. And all of this sucks. Think of a very specific magician and think from there, work backwards to a squash. What's the riddle again? A squash magician. But again, think of a proper noun magician. A specific proper noun magician.

That's gonna be pumpkin Houdini. And everyone knows that that rhymes and that is good.

And we all know that the doctors, her pumpkins were something so funny. So you got half of that right, Riley.

Pumpkin?

Houdini zucchini.

There you go Alfred. I'm so smart. Wow.

Alfred, we do have a certificate we're mailing to you right now that just validates you from all your years of schooling.

Adal, I'd like to see a scene. Yes. You are Houdini Zucchini and Riley and JPC, you're going to be audience members who are trying to sort of poke holes in his performance. Love that.

Thank you all for coming here tonight. At me, I, ho ho ho, this old bag of bones, I am Zucchini Houdini, the greatest gourd magician in all of history. Now watch as I put the zucchini down my throat. And now, it comes out of my eye.

Tada. Mirror behind the hand. Huh?

Yeah.

He's got a mirror behind the hand.

And the zucchini, it folds up. It's like when he's into his hand, it flattens.

I'm on Amazon right now, and you can order a foldable zucchini for $4. So you got the, I'm looking at it, it's the same one. So it's a $4 foldable.

He's showing everyone in the back. We're in the front row. Everyone look. Here's the link. Look at the link.

I'm hair dropping this to everyone in the theater.

Thank you!

Coaching my tricks. Come on, you two, please.

Keep going. No, we want to see more. No, you're good. This is our first date night since we've had the baby and we just want a good time.

Okay, now I'm going to... That trick was supposed to eat up 20 minutes just from applause, but since you called me out, I have to... Okay, I'm gonna get into this milk tank. Now, the milk tank will be filled with spaghetti squash, but I, handcuffed with my arms behind my back, will now close the lid and then

Trick cuffs. All the spaghetti squash are hollow. These are hollow spaghetti squash. They're actually spaghetti squash dog toys. I may be dropping everyone the link on Amazon.

Okay.

Okay. Uh, pivot. Okay. Houdini pivot. Um, you, sir. Uh, why don't you come up on? Yes. The guy who keeps fucking me over. Come up on stage.

Oh, that's great. Good job, honey.

Go get them. Okay. Thank you. It's just so good to be out of the house since we had the baby.

I want you to punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.

When you're up here, you can see so much more.

There's a trap door down here. I can see it, but that's her finale.

She's right. That's a trap door. And shit. What did you say? You said punch you in the throat? Everyone cheers. Thank you. I've been working on a lot more since the baby because I'm just at home so much that I feel like I have the time.

Curtain falls down, new character. Attention everyone, we regret to inform you that Zucchini Houdini has died. He was not prepared to be punched in the throat. He did not flex hard enough in the neck to be punched in the throat.

Bravo! No, no, no, no. Sorry, I hate to be this guy. I hate to be this guy, but I saw the EMT. The EMT that took him away was the other magician. So I do think that they're going to do with it.

It was a plant. I see him in the back.

He's sitting next to you, ma'am. Ma'am, the woman I airdropped, he's sitting next to you.

Can you confirm? He's right there with a terrible fake beard.

This is my closer. Come on.

I get paid in drink tickets, man. I don't know. I don't know why you think I have the energy to do all this.

Hey lady, lady who left her kid at home. You just had a kid. You come up on say you do magic. You do magic.

Come on. Okay. Well, I'm practicing a lot at home. I haven't even done anything yet. Exactly. I'm practicing a lot at home. Sit. Come on, man. I do the thing with the thumb where it looks like the hand trick.

I love this. Everyone watch. Everyone watch.

My thumb is in two. Yeah, what do you think about that?

Our baby goes crazy for this. Our baby goes crazy for this.

Whole crowd, it's like... It's like the people who saw the train in the screen for the first time and they thought it was real.

Okay, got another one free here. You, Miss, you who is getting all the airdrop links. Yeah, I think of a number between one and ten. Ten! Oh, I was going to say 10 too. She always says 10.

I can confirm she always says 10.

I don't want to be impressed, but I am.

Perfect.

Perfect. Let's do just a couple more hingpinks here. Alfred, I think we found your wheelhouse. Okay. How about an apple juice jockey? An apple juice jockey. Martinelli's horse-a-nelly.

Excuse me?

Alfred, how did you lost it?

It's like Flowers for Algernon.

Martinelli's horse-a-nelly. Okay. Okay, someone's telling on themselves that they're not familiar with Horsonelli, Adal. The pasta? Uh, yeah, the pa- Oh no, Horsonelli the car! Horsonelli the pasta, of course.

Uh, sorry, I'm in detention at Olive Garden. Can I get a side of Horsonelli? Uh, an apple juice jockey. And don't let apple juice throw you. Apple juice is, uh, think of, I mean, it's like apple juice, but it's a little bit darker.

Cider Rider. Cider Rider.

I could listen to that for 10 more seconds.

Oh, that's it? 10 whole more seconds. Yeah, so not a full album. Interesting. An EP. An EP.

I had a moment of panic there and I go, uh-oh, this is a better show. Yeah. I was like, we might have to stop this.

We might have to shut this down. Lister's gonna be clamoring for that. How about an autumn sweater? An autumn sweater.

This is gonna be about 12 fall shawls.

That's right, it's a fall shawl. Damn it.

No!

I was supposed to be good at this!

You were. Alfred, you were. Past tense. You were very good at this. Uh, how about a, let's see here.

I need to get warmed up a bit.

How about a plant part robber? A plant part robber. Stamen. Leafy Fox. Okay, I do have to apologize. Riley leaf thief was incorrect. It is stamen thief Sorry, some of these don't exactly work.

Oh, no, it's stamen Matt Damon from oceans 11

Of course.

Of course. To be honest, someone says plant part, first thing that comes into your mind is stamen.

Stamen. I'd like to see a scene. I'd like to see JPC. You are, you are, you're pitching your new film, Stamen, Damon. Got it. A heist movie about plants. And Alf, Erin, and Adal, you are the suits at HBO.

I am the lead character from Suits, which is now on HBO. All the episodes are on HBO. Do you know my character's name? Are you a fan? I want to say yes. That's right. My name is Yes. My name is Yes McIntyre.

Well, whenever you're ready, you can start your presentation. And again, we are just the cast of Suits, but we would love to run this up the ladder for you.

Older one, the younger one. Okay. I want to ask about Meghan Markle, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to go right into the pitch. We open on prison. Matt Damon's character. The script is just Matt Damon for now. I think we also might just call him Matt because I have actually heard from him that it's easier if his character's name is Matt and then he gets less confused.

Can I just tell you right now, we're going to bring in Thomas Lennon to punch up this script. So whatever you say, we'll make it funny.

Good. Oh, awesome. Because it needs humor because it's like a traditional heist. Damon is getting out of prison. Who's there to pick him up? A Monstera. and And on a fight night, they have over 400 million dollars in the greenhouse.

I'm sorry. I know I'm just the assistant here. I know I'm just taking notes.

Sorry, this is my assistant. This is Pat. This is my assistant.

Yeah. I guess it's like, you know, I've been with you for years as you've been developing the script. But the one thing that I haven't been clear on is, do the plants talk? Is there some kind of voiceover element? Or is it just, is like, you know, is it like the Muppets where Damon is the only human in the story?

Sure. Can I have one moment? Yeah, answer that question. Hey Pat, what the fuck? What are you doing? You know I told you on the way over here the only thing I don't have is if the plants could talk.

Okay, but I'm just trying to help you out because they seem really interested. I didn't expect you to be pitching to the cast of Suits, and this is my favorite show.

I'll figure it out.

I just really want it to look good for you.

I'm on my feet, I'll figure it out. That's a great question, Pat, and we didn't rehearse this, but yes, the plants can talk, but not in a language. That Matt Damon can hear. No, he's the only one that can hear it. Matt Damon can talk to plants. It's like a Doctor Two little thing. No, his daughter can. Matt Damon's daughter, real daughter, is in the movie. Yeah, and we're gonna get her to tell her dad to stop using the F slur in front of plants. Because plants don't like that either. And then it's also like a journey for Matt Damon to like, oh, I guess that is a wrong thing for me to say. And that's kind of like the emotional hook of the movie. Yeah. I like that. And we know he can act it. We know he can act it because he's been there. He's lived it.

What do you think Patrick J. Adams from Suits?

I think we gotta get Matt Bomer on the phone. I know it's white collar. It's not really his domain, but I think Matt would have some stuff to say. Yeah.

Eye suits and white collar are crafting the content.

Those are the same show. Up until when I tried to find an actor, I'm like, I could say Matt Bomer. And I was like, wait a minute. Wait just a minute, I think that's a different joke.

And JBC, you'll be pleased to know, I think I just saw an article that said Bosch is coming back. I know, I'm so thrilled. I mean, they've been getting the runaround from Amazon. They went to like Amazon's Frivvi for a while, but ooh, Bosch is back in charge. Titus Welliver is right where he needs to be.

Best name in the biz.

Best name in the biz.

We're going to go to break in just a moment, but before we do, I do want to have, this is a special round. What makes it so special is that it's only for Alfred. Alfred, we're going to give you a win before we go to break. And if you don't get this, then boy did this backfire. But I think you'll get it. Oh no. This is one last hink-pink just for Alfred. Okay, shut my mouth. Everyone else, let's just let Alfred get this. Okay. This is a mob fighting to lose weight. A mob fighting to lose weight. Okay. Thanks. And Alfred, walk us through your process if you can. It is Mob. Yes. No, hold on. Yeah. Mob fighting. That was in the question.

Mob makes me... I'm thinking gangster. Gangster. Prankster. And the prank is, he's thinner now.

Okay, you just wrote a Stephen King novella. I love that. I love that. Adal, is this still a Thanksgiving one? Well, I think because lose weight. I think because you eat so much on Thanksgiving, it's loosely tied. So it's not super tied to Thanksgiving just by the fact of eating. But again, it's a mob fighting to lose weight. A mob fighting to lose weight.

Biggest schmoozer, biggest loser.

Okay, Alfred Buddy. Alfred Buddy, slow it down. Slow it down.

Give him some space. Give him a hand.

Maybe it's not mob. Maybe it's mob, not like Sopranos, but like crowd. Yes. Crowd. Crowd. Yes, a mob fighting to lose weight.

It's kind of like a mob fighting to lose weight.

You know what will help you is think about it conceptualize it as a mob fighting to lose weight.

That's really good. In my mind, I have a mob and they are fighting to lose weight.

Great. You're right there.

It's not Mafiosa. It's not the Queen of Fairies. I think you're correct in terms of several people, several people fighting. Several people instigating.

And Adal, you looked at this one and said, This was easy, slave dog hundred percent. I got it, I got it.

Riot diet.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Alfred.

Wow.

Alfred, I was racking my brain. I was not there.

I'm so thrilled for you. I actually knew it the whole time. It was a bit that I didn't know it. Well, we're gonna go to break. That's really cool. Alfred ends out the round with a huge win. We're gonna go to break while we're on break. Let's go around the horn and we'll each give Alfred a big compliment because I feel bad that I put him on the spot. And we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. So tall. So tall.

You rule. Serves up. JBZ?

I loved the lighting.

Great. Have a great summer.

Right. I was okay with all of those except for one. Wish I'd gotten to know you better this year. Maybe next year.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Hi Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin.

We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect Erin because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all in one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just gonna say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting.

Sure.

So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Mm-hmm. Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo. So it's a lot of goo. So are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store. We can sell your products online, whether it's physical, like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Ah, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. and a disaster, but we're gonna soldier on. We're gonna be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done in my nervous system.

We're gonna need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy, where you had to drive to an office, never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat, and sometimes he gets stuck. Well, this time he might... Be snuggly ever.

Eric, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that. Okay, because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Hey here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, no. Remember? There's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you. Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this.

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume is 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it. We miss you boy, get better soon! I miss you Adal!

Great, Alfred. We went around, we each complimented you. Is there anything you want to say to us, Thor?

Yeah, I want to say thank you to three of you. Interesting.

You're welcome.

And a do, nope, and a do better for one of you, and I think you know who you are.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. My wife asking me how they're recording with it, and I'm like, Alfred thanked me three times. It was wild, but I didn't misunderstand.

It was really nice.

Yeah, super nice. It's like I never knew that you could do a podcast with people who were like nice to you. It's kind of weird experience for me.

I don't think that's true. I think they have to bully you, right guys?

Read the email, Erin. Let's move on to what we would call normal riddles. Yes. Is that right? Sure. These are no longer kink pinks. The answers do not have to rhyme. In fact, I'm going to say they absolutely will not rhyme. We'll see. We'll see if we can solve them.

How do I have anything to say about it?

Bonus points if you can rhyme it. So here's our first normal riddle. A woman heard a bell ring and knew that she had lost a lot of money. A woman heard a bell ring and knew that she had lost a lot of money, but she was still delighted. Why? And I do have a few hints if you need them, which you absolutely will.

I do not need this. I have it immediately. The bell was a husband alive bell and her husband had died. Now she hated her husband, but she did not have a pre or she had a prenup that meant she was not going to get his money when he died. So she is, she basically lost all that money, but she's happy. The bastard is dead. And you can buy a husband alive bell and you can purchase one at many fine retailers across this great nation.

Stop pushing your products on the show. We're going to get sued again.

Here's what sucks. JVC basically got it. Yeah!

No, no, no, no. Wait, I was gonna say the bell. What is it? The fucking stock exchange? Don't they ring a bell? Oh, yeah.

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Could it be that? It's not.

She shorted the market.

Was it a husband alive bell? Not interesting, Reilly. Now, say that you were going to purchase a husband alive bell.

No, no. How much money would you pay?

Because it's less than you think, but more than you think.

None, swatting your hands.

No, stop it. Was it like a church bell for her husband's funeral?

JPC buddy, you basically got it. It wasn't a husband alive bell, it was a brother alive bell. Yes. And let me explain.

Yes.

Well, and in many ways.

Well, hold on. Here's the full answer as written. In medieval times, people were worried about the risk of being buried alive. Quote unquote, it happened. That seemed like a throwaway.

Yeah, we all just went to medieval times, so we were constantly worried about that.

So people were buried with a cord attached to their wrists. It was connected to a bell. It's like The Nun. It is like The Nun.

Is that a movie?

The horror film The Nun?

We watched The Nun recently and they had these bells at the grave. Sorry. That is just insane. That bad movie we watched has something to do with it.

We should have gotten that because it's from The Nun. Our favorite movie.

The only thing I personally know is that that's where we get the term saved by the bell and that's where we get somebody who we thought was dead. They ring the bell by moving their finger and then they get dug up. So we get the term saved by the bell from that old device.

We also get family ties because the family ties the string around your finger.

And then the term dead ringer is also someone who Someone who looks like you're someone who looks like a dead relative. It's like, oh, that looks like a dead ringer for my aunt, but we know she's dead. So it's like the dead has rung the bell and come back to life because the person looks like them.

That's so cool.

I don't know if you know this, but it's also where we get the term, uh, husband alive bell.

Which, can we hear the commercial jingle for husband alive bell?

This woman from the Riddle had inherited the family fortune when her elder brother died.

When she heard the bell ring, she knew that he was still alive.

So she lost her fortune because he was still alive, but she was delighted because her brother was not dead. So she just had a good relationship. I do want to see a scene. Riley, you are, Riley and J.P.C. you two are brother and sister. J.P.C. it was thought you were dead. You did ring your little finger bell, your brother alive bell. You have been dug up. You and Riley share a house together. This is the next morning after you've been dug up and you've been found alive where Riley is no longer inheriting the family wealth. So this breakfast is a little strained. Got it.

How are you? Where to begin?

By the way, I'm not even mad at the worms in my mouth. I thought it was very funny.

Well, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah. It was meant to be a joke. I was going to ask them, how are you feeling, I guess?

I'm feeling good. I mean, honestly, I feel like I have a new lease on life, but yeah. I have a question. Right? Because I saw your signature on the paper that was your signature that said that I was dead, legally dead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. This is working into some weird territory.

Because I told you I've been having trouble sleeping and I'm going to take an ambient. I told you that yesterday, right? Or is this a dream I had?

Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had?

Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had?

Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had?

Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had?

Or is this a dream I had? Or is this a dream I had?

You wrote your name and then you wrote, and then you wrote, and then you wrote that.

Or she wrote that? Again, there's a difference between saying and writing. So yes, did I sign my name and said, my brother is dead. D-E-A-D dead. Do I have to spell it out for you dead? He's gone. Yes, I wrote that.

It feels like, it feels like you thought.

I said, I said, I said, he's dead and I'm dead. D-E-D-L-O-L.

Hey, D-E-D-L-O-L.

And was that in bad taste? Yeah.

Hey, we're all trying to listen to the priest give the sermon. Church is a little loud today. Do you two mind?

Actually, I was in a coffin, Robin. I was in a coffin all night, Robin, so I do mind.

Sorry, my little girl's getting baptized. Sarah?

Your muffins taste like absolute dog shit, and no one wants to say it.

Sorry, he was dead yesterday, so I thought, and I inherited the better part of two million dollars, which he didn't even tell me he had, so you can understand why I'm a little upset today.

I heard from the coroner that you said he was definitely dead, so dead, don't even bother checking he's so dead. Thank you Mary Beth. I wrote it down, I didn't say it.

There is a difference. Oh my god.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I literally don't know what you even want me to do.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hold on.

Dog shit? Are you kidding me? Are you seriously making this about you right now? Like now I'm taking his head. Are you seriously making this about you?

Positive baptism? Father O'Leary. Father O'Leary. Am I wrong about Robin's muffins? No, not at all.

This coming from the priest whose wife's cow started a fire?

Ay, that cow was innocent, okay? Chicago needed to burn. Uh, Blood of the Spirit, Water of Christ, baby, on the road.

Water of Christ?

Blood of the Spirit, Water of Christ.

That sounds like from the people who brought you Dead Husband Alerts.

If you love Dead Husband, if you love Husband Alerts.

It'll come as a shock to know that I was about as good at paying attention in church as I was at paying attention in school. So that's why I don't know what they say.

Well, I mean, Blood of the Father, Water of Christ, nothing tells me that you had two English parents than that, because that's obviously, that's Church of England. We all know this. That's the Anglican, of course.

And in the morning I'm making waffles. And it was good. Let's get into another riddle here. I run, it runs, I stop, it still runs. What am I? Horse gum. Yes. This is a person running from a car that is chasing them. Okay.

Then they stop, get hit by the car, car keep going.

We keep rewriting Stephen King novellas.

Could it be Fred Flintstone car? Yes. He runs, then it runs, but he stops running, but the car still goes. Exactly.

So he just kind of like crisscross applesauce. Fred Flintstone car.

So wait, in Flintstone's world, in the bedrock universe, sorry, the bedrock-averse, are gas stations just like foot massage parlors?

Ooh, yes.

I'm asking the hard questions.

Adal, how high are you? Go to those places where it's like the little fish that eat the dead skin off your feet.

Have you ever been to one of those places?

No, but I want to try it. I'm really curious. Is it ethical? Is it maybe bad? You know what? That's a very good question.

They do have a sign that's hanging up that says, the fish have a right to refuse any customer. So if the fish decide that your feet are too nasty, they say, no, no, no. No, thank you.

My wife did that, I think in Thailand. And she said, it feels awful.

She said it's the worst sensation in the world. Have any of you ever done baby feet?

Do you guys know baby feet? Oh, the peel? The drug?

You said have you done baby feet? I thought that was like a common name for a mushroom. It's like a glove drug.

Strain of weed. Oh, baby feet?

Tell me you're over 30 without telling me you're over 30. You've never done baby feet before? No, it's like, I don't know. My wife has done it a few times, but it's like a You put your foot in like a big sock thing that's full of like weird gel.

And then days later your whole foot falls off.

Basically, basically you take it off and then like a week later your whole foot is supposed to like peel, like you're supposed to like peel your foot off. It's very satisfying. Wait, you've done it?

Yes, but the bad part is they explicitly tell you on the package, they say you're, they're like in five to ten days your foot will start to peel the bottom of your foot and they say do not pick at it. Well here's the thing, when your foot starts to peel, you gotta pick at it.

I'm taking off my headphones, tell me what you've done.

Here's one of my most irritating character traits is that during the pandemic I got really into barefoot running.

Sort of a real sign of mental wellness.

We all hit our rock bottom.

I was running around the streets of Boston, Massachusetts in bare feet when like the sanitation workers weren't working because of COVID. So it was really clean and nice. But anyway, So part of me is like, no, don't do the magic baby foot sock because you need those calluses. We are supposed to have calluses because that's what protects your feet. So it's like I want the opposite. I want a magic sock. I can put my foot in and I come out and it's just like super thick leathery callus.

That's what I do. That's what I do with earwax because a lot of people clean their ears.

Goodbye again.

No, no, no. Earwax. God put earwax there for a reason to catch bugs crawling into your ears.

But it feels so good to get the Q-tip in there and I know that's the one thing on the box that says don't put that shit in your ears. But that's the exclusive use I have for it.

They say it's for butts, teeth, and brains. That's the only thing you should be using the Q-tip for.

Uh, Erin, welcome back.

You should all try taking off your headphones. It's so peaceful on the other side. I just was listening to Enya and there was a nice freeze on my face. Oh wow! Can't recommend it enough.

I run, it runs. I stop, it still runs. We can't still be.

A river. Water.

An echo. Go back to the first one.

Your mom.

Time. A clock.

Was it a clock? Time.

Thanks for watching! Uh, I mean, I'll give it to you with a clock. A Banquo Fit for a King! I'll give it to you with a clock.

Is it the disease AFib? The heart disease AFib?

All fobs are bad?

Yeah, I think Reilly's right. That's my answer too.

JBC, it is, here it says a watch, but basically a clock. So, it's talking about time. I run the watch. It runs time. I stop the watch. It still runs time. It's a time so much.

Oh god, I stopped. That's so dark. I kinda got it. I got it. I sorta got it. I think it might have been me who got it.

I like the river.

I don't get it.

The I stop isn't like I die.

Alfred, don't say that shit around here. You're gonna get yourself killed.

Be careful. Alfred, you wanna step outside?

You said it like four times and I'm still like, it runs. It's like it's taking you back to Spanish when it would be like learn the verb tenses. Yeah, you're supposed to conjugate this sentence.

That's not a riddle.

Yeah. Conjugal visit. That's fine. Thank you Adal. Very thank you.

Very much thank you. Now you're talking about something I understand now that we're not in school anymore.

Okay, here's a riddle I think we'll all like. I have two legs like a cowboy, two eyes like a cowboy, two hands like a cowboy, look just like a cowboy, but I am NOT a cowboy. What am I? Cowgirl.

Oh.

Wow.

And don't you feel bad.

I'm like a woman.

Girl.

That's not the right... I'm a cowwoman. I'm a cowwoman.

No, if it was cowwoman, it would be cowman. It's cowboys, but it's cowgirl.

I'm cowlady. The two genders.

Cowman and cowwoman.

I mean non-binary cowperson.

Um, okay.

Someone playing a cowboy on TV.

You have to be a photograph of a cowboy.

Oh, Erin. Is it Ronald freaking Reagan? Erin, we're gonna... Erin? Is it the Gipper? Do it for the gipper. Jelly beans. I am not a crook. Erin, we're gonna give it to you. That's not the gipper. That's the gipper that's wrong. Come on.

You're gonna give it to me?

You said picture of a cowboy. Sorry, you said a photo of a cowboy, and it is a picture of a cowboy, which is the same thing. Photos are pictures of God's pictures.

Same thing, moving pictures of the cinema.

It's a drawing of a cowboy. I do wanna see... I gotta see a scene. Um, Alfred and Erin, you are two, uh, you're two cow, how do we say this? Alfred, you're a cowboy, Erin, you're a cow lady, or a cow woman. Whatever you prefer. And the two of you are trying to sort of draw each other, kind of like the Titanic scene, but you're drawing each other.

Now I'm gonna need you to sit still, please.

Sorry, I'm trying to draw you. Could you, could you maneuver your stirrup slightly?

Yeah, can you get your horse to stand still first? You keep wandering around doing three-point turns around the tavern. You can't. Excuse me.

Well, she's spooked. She's spooked Lucille is spooked because you won't put that damn lasso down.

Yeah, well my daddy told me to never date someone who has the same career as me and now I'm starting to think that he was right.

Can two cow people really make it? Excuse me, this is my tavern. If you two aren't gonna get a drink, can you get, first of all, get your horses out of the tavern, out from the inside. And if you two aren't gonna get a drink, then what are you doing here? Yeah, what are we doing here? No, I didn't mean anything.

I was starting to wonder the same thing.

No, no, no. If you have this conversation over a drink, pay me a couple pieces of copper or you're going outside. I appreciate that.

When was the last time you bought me a drink?

And that's what I'm saying. Why is it always gotta be the cowboy that buys the drink? You know what I mean?

I don't give a shit who's buying the drink. I need someone to give me some money for some ale right now.

Excuse me! Excuse me! Ma'am, you're the matchmaker of what runs this bar, right? I am. I'm having a horrible torrid love affair with another employee over at the post office and we just can't get if you could just go in there and buy some stamps I think that you would really set us straight everyone talks about how you're such a good matchmaker

If I go in there and buy stamps, that'll help you get a date.

We're always fighting. We can't get along. And I see the love that you got blooming right here. Please matchmaker bar.

No, no, no. People call me a matchmaker because they come in here get drunk and hook up and they think, oh, it's, it's Sandy's, Sandy's doing. But no, it's not Sandy's doing. I want these two to get out of my bar.

We wouldn't be together if it weren't for you while you were talking to that other country. Are you together? Is that what's happening? You asked all the right questions and the two of us worked it out. We're going to give it another try. Best matchmaker in town.

Stronger than ever.

Please help me. Please come to the post office.

You're the only thing that can help a poor soul like me. What gets you out of this tavern fastest? Am I agreeing to go to the post office? Follow me.

Welcome to the post office. Just a heads up. Your letter will arrive in 400 to 500 weeks.

Hi, I'm at the tavern across the way and I was told to just buy some, I guess, stamps to help this man get a date.

Oh, you want to buy the new, I guess, stamps. Okay. First one. Yeah. First one is the face of a famous person. Now, if you guess it, you can buy it.

I don't, I don't care what it is. I just want to get back to work. So here, I'll give you some money and whatever that gets me, I'll take it.

Okay, let me count up these coins. Of course, we have a more complicated currency back in these days. Okay, this is a, I want to say a three pence and that is... Yep. We come back to the bar.

Man, you fucking suck at this. What the hell? Everybody always talks you up. How'd it work for you two? How'd it work for you two lovebirds?

Well, when you know, you know, you know.

Yeah, you know. And when your horses fall in love, that helps you know when you know and then you know for sure after you know that.

That's unhelpful. That's unhelpful to say to a person.

No, I'm just saying at first we stayed together for the horses and then it was through our mutual love for the horses that we found the love for each other. You don't have any sort of Pony Express type livestock lying around.

No, we do! We have a pony at the... Oh, please, please! Will the two of you come to the post office? I got this co-worker that I absolutely adore and I can't

No. Scene. Never done that before.

Didn't want to do something inside a scene. As a character, no. Scene.

That's my favorite bit to do lately is just like quote unquote bad and probably it's like well we're at the playground and I'm a bully well no actually we're not we're on the moon and we're best friends oh no we're not we're actually at a concert and I'm the president and when Reilly says that's a bit that we like to do lately that's just what episodes review of you sound like

Two peas in a pod. If you like Hey Riddle Riddle, feel like that. This funny thing we do is bad improv.

This might be why we get a lot of messages asking us to go on Review Review. It could potentially be a Kindred Spirit thing. That's not to look into any of that.

Probably nothing.

Alright, we're gonna do one more riddle and then we're out of here. Here's the very last riddle. And this is only for Alfred. I'll be so fast you won't even get a chance to know it.

Moon.

On Mars.

Okay, you're still close. Nobody has ever in the history walked this way. And of course... Space walked.

You're getting hotter? Walked while drunk. Drink walking.

No, a lot of people have done that.

A lot of people have done that. They never walked backwards on the moon. They never walked sideways on the moon. Did you say the moon? They never walked on a cow? Milk! They never milk walked! Hold on. Alfred? Buddy. This is an absolute milk walk. I got the answer to this Riddle. It's a fucking milk walk. This is like the SAT all over again, man. The pressure is just mounting.

Let's all take a deep breath. Now, Alfred, of course, we all know milk walk is nothing. That's never been a thing.

That was what Michael Jackson used to do. Yeah, the milk walk.

He dumped milk on the floor and then walked backwards over it.

There's nothing better than grabbing a lawn chair outside of your house on the day after Halloween in Chicago and just watching people do the old milk walk. Costume over the shoulder. We call it the walk of milk.

So a reverse Aerosmith and run DMC. Nobody has ever in the history of Earth walked this way. Not history of Earth, just in history in general. Now Alfred, moon and Mars and space were blazingly hot. Now if you were to think about the moon and Mars and space in general and then introduce a cow and what a cow produces, Marry those two ideas. So you said milk. Heat and milk. Think about space and milk. What does space have to do with milk? Is there a word or a term?

Oh fuck! It's that milky way! The answer was, of course, Milky Way. And Casey, when we cut this together, we could take out all that time where I was shouting milk walk, right? There's no Casey. Alfred, there's no Casey. Casey's an illusion.

It's an anyway made up.

Well, Alfred and Riley, thank you. Oh, go ahead. Did you guys all really know that so fast?

I didn't know it at all. I didn't know it at all.

I had no idea. And this has been an absolute milk walk of a podcast. We can't thank you enough for coming on. And people, if you liked the improv that you heard today or any of the past three years of Hey Riddle Riddle, you're going to love Review, Review. Do you guys have anything else that you would like to plug? Alfred, we can start with you.

Uh, no, you just follow me on Instagram if I'm ever doing shows or anything. It'll be on there. That's at Alfred in it. That's my name. I-N-N-I-T. And I'll throw it exactly and I'll throw it to Riley.

Um, I mean, he said we have nothing to plug. You can absolutely listen to our show if you want to. Well, they already plugged that. Review, review, just remind the people. R-E-V-I-E-W-R-E-V-U-E. Um, if you want to get started with a familiar app, listen to the July 2020 episode, uh, with Hey Riddle Riddle on review, review. Um, and, uh, you can follow me on Instagram at ReillyAnspaugh. And on Twitter at Riley Coyote. And, oh, also Jeffrey James and I are still doing sketches on Headgum. Headgum, YouTube. Headgum, look up Headgum on YouTube and we'll do sketches.

Headgum.com slash YouTube. We all know the website.

Headgum.com slash YouTube. It's us and Mr. Amir Blumenfeld doing sketches and having a good time.

Hell yeah. What about you Adal? Anything that you would like to plug? I would like to plug whatever Erin is plugging. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

I would like to plug Hello from the Magic Tavern, Adal's podcast. Great podcast. Season 8 or something? Is coming to a close? 12. 12. Great. That's insane. Great. So check it out. Love it. Big fan. GBC, can you read a review of our show?

I actually have a quick plug, Erin. I don't usually do this, but I want to plug a wet bus show. This is a wet bus show happening in Chicago at the, what's the name of this theater? Oh, at Color Club on Thursday, March 2nd at 7 p.m. Now, Erin, I have not talked to you about this. Are you going to be at that show?

Will not be there. Still live in Los Angeles.

So it is, it is, it is the other half of the people that are at Erin's improv team wet bus, but I will actually be at that show. Me and my buddy Johnny O'Mara are doing some improv at that show as well. So if you have always wanted to see Erin's improv team wet bus, but you are deathly afraid of seeing Erin, this is the perfect opportunity because it's her team, but she will not be there.

The better half of the team is there, except I can accept Harrison. Nice.

I will not be performing at that show, but I will be there. So because Swim Test, one of the other groups performing at that show, I'm good friends with and I will probably be at that show.

So I also did not mention that Swim Test will be at that show, but Swim Test will be there as well, as will Alfred. So if you've ever wanted to see half of Review Review, me and Erin's improv team without her there, that's the show for you. And I feel the mention. Thursday, March 2nd.

I should have mentioned Riley and I will be there performing as Milkwok.

Yes, yep, that's our new duo prom.

Sorry, the name just every time makes me throw up to my head.

And also, if you want to see Adal and I sometimes Saturday nights, 8 p.m. I or Chicago, we do a show called World News. And I've been starting to do this. I'm in the Hey Riddle Riddle Discord, the Chicago channel. I'm posting if I'm going to be at the show that week. So if people want to come and see the show and you're in Chicago, you can check that Discord. That's where I post and that's it for me. Erin, we've all had fun today, but if you were going to take a little milk walk of your own, where do you think you'd go?

I think I'd go to Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai.

Starting Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney could be editing, and Marty Perrin did the music. Hey there villagers and wolves. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We take you to a little sleepy village where a game of werewolf is afoot. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!