Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Erin, I can't believe that this year we're trapped in Boston in the mushroom zombie, huh?

I have to stop the show.

What's going on? I have. I just have to pause.

Trust me, Adal, when you hear why I had to pause that brilliant intro, you will be so on my side. Erin, I think there's no chance that you will be on my side here, Erin.

If you find a piece of popcorn between your pants and your legs, then I will be on your side and I will. I'll say that's crazy.

The best moment in this podcast history, I believe.

Erin, it's not that, but I have to imagine that this is my version of whatever that is. So I have to back up. I think around the time when I was fostering the puppies, I bought some sweatpants from Kohl's online and they are fleece-lined sweatpants. They are the warmest pair of pants I've ever worn in my life. And when I'm wearing them inside, I get like very hot wearing them, but I have to take them off. But outside, when it's like two degrees outside, perfect. Perfect for walking the dog.

I'm taking notes. Is this a riddle? It's a very hot two degrees.

It's a very hot two degrees. So I'm wearing these pants. And oh, also I bought one pair of them. I love them. I was like, Mariah, do you like these? And she tried them on and she was like, I love them as well. Well, I bought like four more pairs and we've just been like wearing them interchangeably, right? Whoever grabs a pair, that's their pair. The other day, I put on a pair and I'm going about my day. This is actually yesterday and I was dying to say this on the podcast. I'm going about my day and I reach into the pocket and I see that there is a hole in the pocket of these pretty much new sweatpants. And then I feel like down into the leg of the pants and there's something like a hard thing about the size of a popcorn. No, it's about the size of a quarter. It's about the size of a quarter in the pants, and I reach inside the pants and I feel it. It's in between the layer of sweatpants and fleece. So then I go in through the hole in the pocket, go down into the pants, and pull out a piece of dog jerky that- Ew, what? So we have a little jerky that we give to spaghetti as a treat. We do it on walks to refocus her attention. I guess Mariah likes to keep little pieces of this jerky in her pockets. And she had put it through the wash and the jerky had made its way into the pants. And I'd been wearing the pants all day. So I basically had been wearing the sweatpants all day with a little piece of jerky like on my leg. And I took that piece of jerky out and I go, you know what? Erin's life makes sense to me. Because I'm kind of in my own way married to Erin.

Yeah.

I got Erin at home. I got Erin at work. Yeah. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

JBC, have you thought about wearing those pants? Maybe we can capitalize on this. Wear those pants. We do like a fun prank show called Jerky Pants. Oh, yes. You make prank calls.

Uh-huh. The Jerky Pants boys? No. Never mind. I heard it out loud. I don't like it anymore.

Are you really alive if you're not finding weird things in your pants? And that's my question.

It is a thrill. I will say the thrill of the searching through the pants to try to find the thing that's in the pants, it does make you feel alive.

That's what I thought.

Now are the two of you the type of people who put on their coat and they're like, whoa, $80. Huh? Cause I hear people say that all the time and I'm like, you just leave money lying in your coat pocket?

Oh, okay. You were saying finding money in your coat, but what I heard was you put on your coat and then you tried to guess the price of the coat. I was like, what? You should know how much you bear with the coat.

That only happened to me once and it was a miracle to me.

I'm so confused by that. Cause anytime I get home, I go through all my pockets, put everything on the table and then take off my wardrobe.

So I'm so confused by that.

Wow. Well, I, You don't have to do that. You can just be a little trash goblin who leaves like tissues for later in your pocket, but yeah, go ahead.

Well, but you take, cause like I have like chapstick in my coat that I'm like, I'm not taking this out because it's my coat chapstick. That's going to stay in the coat.

Well that, yes, I have chapstick. I leave in my winter coat. I have extra pair of contacts. I leave in my winter coat. Okay. So you don't take everything out. I don't take everything out, but anything that I'm like, I might put on a different coat at some point, or this is cash money that I will need for other goods and services.

This is an episode that I will tell Mariah not to listen to because I'll put her on blast one more time. But I have a picture saved in my phone of it was again, when we had the puppy. So this is like, you know, a couple months ago, and we were our brains were like, work to the point of exhaustion. And I told Mariah that I couldn't find my keys. And she was like, have you where have you checked for your keys? And I was like, I kind of checked all the normal places. I just don't know where they are. And she's like, well, you should keep better track of your keys. I was like, Is it possible that you have

You're the luckiest man in the world.

I truly am.

I truly am. Yeah, I think that we should start, I think you should intentionally, if you live in a cold place, like Chicago, everyone knows you have like your Chicago winter coat. That's like basically a sleeping bag.

Yeah.

Go ahead and put $20 in each pocket of the coat in May when you get to wear it for the last time before it starts to warm up a little bit. I'm sorry, that's what's real.

And that just slipped out.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just said something real.

Yeah, real sad.

Anyways, you're in Winterhall and I can see the sunshine. But put money in there and then when it's cold to cheer yourself up you'll put your hands in your pockets and you'll have money in your pockets.

It's basically the same thing as the savings account. Well, I don't know if the APY is on that. Erin, I would say same exact piece of advice but replace money with fun sized packets of M&Ms. Okay. Because then your car breaks down, you have to shuffle off into some cornfield full of snow, you're shivering, you feel like you're gonna die, reach into your pocket. If you pull out $20, what's that gonna do? Huh? Yeah. If you pull out a little fun sized packet of M&Ms, you're gonna live for two more days, I think.

Okay, here's what I will say. Instead, here's what you put in your pocket. Three things. A gun, a map, and a list.

Not in that order.

Not in that order.

One of my favorite moments of Chicago, I was like, it was the happiest I've ever been in my life, I think. It was like a November and I had my winter coat that was duct taped together and I was so scared about making rent. I was like, I can't eat for the next couple days, the last couple days of November because I have to make December rent. And so I was starving and I was freezing and I was on the train and I was like, I'm so sad. And then I went to like my breast pocket and I was like, what's in there? And I looked and there was like $40 in there and I've never cried harder in my life. I was like, I get to eat. I get to eat.

That's like a cinematic moment. Also, Erin, Fuck you. And I just want to tell everyone, Erin did this. You've inspired me to concoct a mashup of The Scramps and Roses' November Rain. Don't blame this on me.

That's your own poison, this rain.

This is called November Rents. And I think it goes a little something like this. It's Akkla Rose singing Firey.

I was starving. I was in a really bad place.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Sure sweetie. But anyway.

November Rit.

Again, this is a mashup of good news. Erin, in fairness, all of that could be dialogue from November Rit. That's true.

But can you sing it? Can you talk, sing it?

I can't. I'm very ill.

Okay, it sounds like you won't.

That's also true. I think I'm very ill. I'll give it a try. November Rit. November Rit. What if I'm not familiar with either property? Is that gonna be a big deal?

I just had this thing where I went, wow, I really hope that whoever's old man puzzle sweeps in and saves the day here because we really need a savior. And I went, it's me.

Erin, it sounds like you're looking for a hawker and eagle.

I need a hero is what I need. So I'm old man puzzles.

Now Erin, is this or is this not the ep where we just play nine voicemails? She considered it! Ladies and gentlemen, she considered it.

I told them before we started recording but I'm a little sick so my personality is not here today. You're just gonna get what you're gonna get and you won't get upset.

That seems like a Spencer's t-shirt. I guess a coffee mug. I'm sorry coffee mug.

I would love it if like just specific aspects of you got sick. Be like my personality's sick today so you're not gonna hear from me.

That's called depression anxiety. I have that. Okay, what's going on?

I would love it. Okay, so if you could pick a part of you to get sick that didn't and it just didn't exist for the day, what would it be? You're jealousy. You don't need that, right?

Yeah, I don't need that. My sense of direction. Excuse me.

I just realized, just to backtrack, JPC, I just realized that you were singing my brilliant idea. Guns N' Roses November Rain mashed up with Rent, November Rent, but you're singing it to the tune of Purple Rain. Because you said, November Rain, November Rain. And I was like, what song is that? I'm like, it's Purple Rain, which I guess is now in the mix. That's a new one. Toss it in the pot. We'll stir it up. We'll figure it out.

I guess the part that I would wish to get sick is the part of me that does things like that. We could lose that for right.

I'm glad that you're in the musical mood because today's episode is actually going to start with a little bit of a competition.

Wow.

So get those voices warmed up.

M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-

They brought us riddle books, which is like the greatest, kindest, most noble pursuit, if you are a Hey Riddle Riddle listener.

I'm so grateful. Truly Firewood on the life fire of Hey Riddle. Life fire.

It seems like Molly, when she handed me the books, it seems like she, it was implied that maybe I would hand them out evenly to the three of us. That of course was not gonna happen. I was like, I'm gonna eat all these riddle books. These are just for me. So I ate them.

I like to solve. Another riddle book in Erin's stomach, eating the books every day.

Not what we were looking for, but I appreciate the effort. But I'm rich in them. I got like four of them.

Wow. Your Riddle Rich.

I'm Riddle Rich. But I would like to have a theme song that Casey can play each time we jump into these Molly Riddle books. But I would like for one of you to sing them. I would like for one of you to sing it. And if neither of them are good, we'll just have Arnie do it.

What am I going up against here? We'll have Artie, we'll have us do it live on the podcast, and then we'll have Artie do it when he gets to think about it for a while, and then we'll see who people like better.

I'm gonna have the two of you cook me some dinner, and if it doesn't work out, I'll just have Rachel Ray make me dinner. Does that make sense?

Why is that your choice?

Well, I was trying to go with someone everyone would know. Otherwise I'd say Francis Malman, but 1% of people know Francis Malman.

Exactly. You overshot it. We were looking for Daniel Lagasse.

Is this fun?

Yeah.

This is fun. So, sorry, Erin, the song we're singing is just what's under the umbrella of the song? Just that we have a riddle book?

We're implying that we're about to do riddles from Molly's riddle books. So it has to include the name Molly. It has to imply that there's riddle books and that we're about to hear some riddles from that riddle book.

Okay. May I go first?

Yes.

I'm about to lose it. Let me go first. Quick. Go, go, go. Go. Flippin' through the pages. Ooh, I'm droppin' Molly. Ooh, I'm solvin' riddles. Oh gee gosh, oh golly. It's riddle. Book o'clock. Uh uh, it's riddle. Book o'clock. Solve the riddles. That was a mashup of Lizzie's song and Andy Samberg's comedy bang bang song.

That was actually pretty good. I actually really, I was digging that one.

Good luck beating that, Arnie. With all your instruments and talent.

And not being put on the spot on air.

This is a very funny thing I'm doing. I'm sorry, Adal, you've made me rap so many times. What did you think was going to happen?

You're correct. I made this. Here we go. Uh. Yeah. Uh, New York City. Uh. 2006. We're here. Uh-oh. New York City. We're leaving. He's all hyped, man. We're leaving New York City. What's that? What's that? In the distance? Philadelphia. 2007. It's been a year. What? It took us a year to get from New York City to Philadelphia. He's turning into Lin-Manuel Miranda. Uh-oh! What if a bastard, orphan, son of a bollies riddle, folks?

I can't believe that one's gonna win. I'm so upset.

Yeah, good luck beating that Artie.

If I know anything about Hey Riddle Riddle listeners voting for anything is that they choose chaos and they choose blood and they're going to choose that one.

These motherfuckers sent us to medieval times. They could all suck rocks.

Casey, I saw that you were typing and then stopped typing. Okay. All right, all right. But Daisy, feel free to submit a song if you want or insult either of their songs and you'll read it out loud.

Oh, I'll do the latter if I can.

Almost, please. Okay.

It's a gift from a stranger right after a show. She hands you a couple books and she says go go go. It's gonna fuel the fire of the podcast that you do. Erin Keif, JPC, and Adal. This is your glue, read the riddles. Yeah, Molly's riddles. Oh, oh, read the riddles. Yeah, yeah, Molly's riddles. Oh, oh, 2008. Oh, BC, it's been a year.

It must be an Erin episode because we are 18 minutes in and no one said shit about Riddle. Here's the first riddle. This one's called The Little Riddle Book.

Oh, I love that.

It's so tiny. How can you even read it? It's so small I can't even read it. Three men stand under an umbrella, but nobody gets wet. How can this be?

Sorry, I heard three men and I had a reaction.

Hold on. Three men stand under an umbrella, but nobody gets wet. How can this be? Because they're holding an umbrella that they're under. What's the riddle?

I know, I know, but this is what she handed us. So this is what it's going to be.

This is the little riddle book. 10 people pay their rent on time and nobody gets evicted. How can this be?

You get a little wet under an umbrella. Your shoes get wet. They're not wet at all.

Bad umbrella. It depends on where the rain is coming from because most people don't know this, but you actually have to hold an umbrella like a 90 degree angle from your body because the wind is all coming from the front.

Especially in the cold November rant.

Erin, is it because it wasn't raining, they were just holding an umbrella?

Exactly. I would like to see a scene. You got it right. I'd like to see a scene. Three Mary Poppins. We are three men under an umbrella.

Oh, Tom Craig. Craig. Tom. Tom. Craig.

Jeff. Craig. Oh, Jeff. Thank you so much. We've been saying each other's names.

Well, another lunch under the umbrella. What did you, what'd you guys tell your wives?

Scene.

I'm sorry, I love it. Okay. When the clock strikes 13, what time is it?

It's 1 p.m. in military.

Okay, is this a book of riddles that little kids would get slapped for telling an adult?

Yeah.

Slapped? Yeah.

That's what it says in the footnotes of it.

Okay, good. Because I would say, what time is it? I would say it's time to get a new clock.

Yes.

Yeah. I've slapped many a little smart mouth kid with a riddle like this.

The copyright of this is 1954 to just give you context for what we're getting ourselves into.

This is like a little Bible for rascals. This is the rascals Bible.

Yeah.

Cause these are little fun things you say and you whisper to an adult during church and they give a little chuckle and then they toss you a two pence and you buy a taffy. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are in bed asleep and JPC is your alarm clock. It is time to get a new alarm clock because this alarm clock is getting a little aggressive and weird.

Cool.

Fuck, my face is wet.

Sorry. It's a dry cough. It's a dry cough. It's a dry cough.

Didn't feel like my face got wet. Wait, hello?

Well, you were asleep, you didn't see.

Okay, it's 3 a.m. Why are you going off?

Wake up. What? You have to wake up. It's 3 a.m. Oh my God. Is it 3 a.m.?

Yeah, I set the alarm for 9 a.m.

I look at it backwards, so that's why I saw I thought it was 9. All right.

What?

Yeah, just go back to sleep. My bad. My bad. Go back to sleep.

Hey, can we talk?

Uh, that honk shoe, honk shoe, honk shoe.

Wake up, wake up.

Okay. What? Did I do a bad job?

I know we've been over this a few times and it might be because I've hit you so many times. I've hit your snooze button too many times, too aggressively.

I like it.

It's time for you to go.

Come on.

You're covered in dust. You're from the late 90s.

Clean me.

No. Why would I do that?

You'll have to clean the new one.

No, I won't. I'm gonna... Sorry, it's time that you two meet. Meet phone. Phone alarm clock.

Hello. Um, I don't want any trouble. I'm just, I'm just here and I think I do a pretty good job, okay?

What the fuck is this? Don't apologize, baby. You're doing great. You're right.

You're right. Who is this sleek looking Johnny come lately?

This is an iPhone 11 and um... He has an alarm. He has a camera.

He has everything. Two cameras, actually. Front-facing and back-facing? What's that called? Front-facing and... I love you so much.

I love you.

Look, look, look. I'm sure that that phone, quote unquote, is good for lots of things.

You're leaking something. What's that? You're leaking something. That can't be right. You're leaking a green smoke.

It's good. It's better that it's out. Better out than in with the green smoke. That's what I always say. This phone looks newfangled and fancy. But look at this thing. You said it's an iPhone 11. It's already two years out of date. Planned obsolescence. This thing is going to be useless. It's going to be a brick in a couple of years.

Me?

I've been a long clock my entire life. I've outlasted presidents, wars, presidential wars, little wars between presidents.

See, it says you were manufactured in 1953. Mm-hmm. That's right.

I've been, I was built in 53.

You take eight batteries to operate and you need new batteries every four hours. Do you know how expensive that is?

Thank you iPhone. And you know what? You know what? I just think it's time to throw you away. You're also a radio, but you only play AM stationed. It's a nightmare. You go off at any time. I agree.

Let's throw this iPhone away. You don't need this radio iPhone. What? Get it away. iPhone 11. Here's what we'll do. Tomorrow, put me in the car. We'll get you a Samsung Galaxy S Plus. Everything's gonna be fine. I'll wake you up at the right time. You said 6 a.m.?

I'm gonna use your batteries for my Roku remote, okay? This is goodbye.

Okay. Fine. You don't take them out. Take them out. See if I care.

Here we go.

See if I got it.

Oh, he's bleeding. There's blood.

Yeah, I'm so happy I'm thrown this away. This is bad, bad, bad.

Bad, bad, bad. This is bad, bad, bad.

I have a head and a tail, but no body. What am I?

Erin. How Erin views herself?

A head.

I have a head.

A tail, but no body.

A penny?

Yep, a penny.

Wow. A riddle book, so take a look at Smiley's riddle.

Can you use it in the 1950s?

I guess so.

Wow. Sweet pennies. They'll come up with anything.

This one is, why is it useless to send a telegram to Washington today?

Today?

And this is 1953. 1953.

Why is it useless to send a telegram to the president?

Is it because no one could stop the Korean War?

No, it's because he's dead. You were on the right track, Adal, because I think they wanted you to think we were talking about Washington DC or Washington State, but it's the president.

Wait, it's cuz the president's dead? Cuz George Washington is dead.

Um, I'd like to see a scene. Uh, GPC, you are George Washington. George Washington is dead? Oh no!

What if I got a Lin-Manuel Miranda discovered up?

You got super meta there. Yeah.

My name is Phillip. I am a poet. My favorite part of the whole- I know, I know. JBC, you are George Washington and Adal, you are like an aide to him and you're coming in to try to get him to sign some paperwork and JBC, you don't want to be bothered.

Knock, knock. Sorry, sir.

I have some- I'm very busy. I'm very busy today being tall.

Oh, yes. If he could just pull you away from the mirror, sir. We do have some very important documents that need to go out to the battlefronts.

What is your name, young man?

My name is Philip Aide.

Philip Aide? I'm gonna call you Phil, because I like giving people nicknames.

Phil! It's more of a shortening, sir. What's that? It's more of a shortening, sir.

Everybody's a short king to me, Phil.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I'm the tallest man alive. I'm 5'11".

Well, I have seen others taller.

Bill, let me ask you a question. What do you think I'd do all day?

Judging from when I popped my head in, I'd say standing in front of a mirror, one arm inside your breast coat,

Yes, left hand tucked into my right breast pocket.

Uh-huh. Looking yourself up and down, constantly measuring yourself to see if you've grown, which you haven't, I have to assume. Typically taking out your teeth, putting a sock on your hand, putting the teeth in the sock, making a little puppet out of the wooden teeth inside the sock.

Yes, his name's George Toothington.

Okay.

I mean, I think George Washington was right there, but... That's what I do, Phil. But I'm asking you, what do you think I do?

Um, to be honest, sir, nothing. And that's what the people of America think, too.

Exactly. Once you're on top, Phil, and you'll never know this, because you'll die a miserable little whatever you are... You called me a short king, not but two minutes ago. What? My what? My what? Hey, if you won't do it Phil, I'll find somebody to fill in for you, understand?

I get it.

You're gonna bring all of those to the Thomas Jeffersons and the James Madisons and the whatevers of the world. You're gonna let them deal with that, okay? I'm gonna stand here in front of my mirror and in about two hours I'm gonna go out and pet my horse. Then I'm gonna have a nice lunch of colonial breakfast. Under your own fining victory, of course. Yes, yes. I cannot tell a lie. And then I'm going to come back here and stand in front of my mirror because I'm George goddamn Washington Phil.

Sir, I understand. I will forge your signature. I will handle all the Batalments. Batalments?

Is that what they're called? Batalment. I'm a Jewish person.

Sir, I thought you could write a lie.

I'm a Jewish person.

Uh, there are some people out there that probably are like, yeah, George Washington, Jewish.

What is it that is alive and has only one foot?

Hope. What is alive and has only one foot? Well, I think there's a lot of people out there, maybe an amputated leg or... Oh, it's a ruler or a yardstick.

You said it already though.

Tape measure, yardstick.

Hey, is it a person with one foot?

No, it's a leg.

A leg?

It's the worst answer.

Yeah, these riddles are quite something.

Something. Erin, why don't we leg it on over to a break and we'll come back with more of Molly's Riddles. Hey Paul, grab your fiddle.

Do a little dancing, solve these riddles and grab your fiddle. Molly's Riddle. Cha, cha.

There's so many chas at the end of that.

Yeah, so many chas.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Well, riddle me this and riddle me that. We're back and we are back with Molly's big book of little bitty riddles. That's right. Everybody hop into the wagon stop. We're all going out to the west with Molly's riddles on her chest.

Yeah. Yeah.

Howard Dean scream. Yeah. OK, there we go. There we go.

We're back with some of Molly's riddles.

What? I'm sorry. Ingenuity struck. Creativity hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Wow.

Finally.

I can't imagine that's true.

Howard Dean. What if it was Howard Teen? Picture this. Howard Dean is standing at a water fountain.

He's trying to like... Stop where you're at. Here's $100,000. I want it on my desk by Monday morning. I love it already. You don't need to sell this to me. I love it.

A Disney Channel original. It's called Howard Teen. I would watch it.

Oh man.

I revolutionized small donor online campaign donations. Whatever Howard Teen, where's your math homework?

He kisses, he's like 16 and he kisses a girl after homecoming and he's like, yeah. And she's like what is that? And he goes, yeah, what was that?

The network being like, okay, so these are the two Howard Dean jokes that you have. What makes this a show?

And we go, I don't know. And we just do a line of Coke off their table. Casey said, give me a second to slightly up-pitch the Dean scream.

We got to hear a Howard Dean Dean scream.

I just like how it's going to come like five minutes later into the episode where we've completely forgotten about this.

What was that?

Erin, I have a question about these. We keep calling these Molly's riddles. Do you think that Molly, after hearing what some of these riddles are, do you think that they would want to be associated with these riddles?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. If Mississippi should lend Miss Urie her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know, Alaska? Is that what it is?

Yep.

No. I'd like to see a scene. Hold on, Erin. That was the answer?

Yep.

That sucks.

No, no, no, no, no. It's awesome. Adal, you are Miss Isippy. JPC, you are Miss Uri, and you two are gossiping about all the other states.

Did you hear? Did you hear? No, what? I don't know. I don't know if I should be saying this. Come on, say it. Who's going to tell? Okay, I'm just, okay, I'm a little nervous, but, um, uh, do you know, uh, do you know Calif? Calif.

Calif. He's been fornicating.

That new fella tall. Yeah, fornicating. No. With, with Neva Atta. You know Atta, who's like, I'm never gonna have sex.

Yeah.

Well, Neva Atta had, had californication.

You know what? That is wild because I heard that Cala was going out with Aurag and Aurag gonna get it. If Calla's gonna give it to Nevada.

Utah, Utah toffin now. Hey, and this is coming from a miss who sips her own pee. I'm talking shit. So, you know, that's that's wild. That's wild. Did you hear? Did you hear that? You know that girl on Maine?

Wait, stop, stop right there. Stop right there. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. But we cannot be doing this gossip without something to drink. Let's hear. Have a mini soda.

I prefer to sip my own pee. Oh, many soda's fine. I'll have a mini soda.

Is mini soda fine? I know, because I just don't have, I just don't have your pee.

I could give you your pee.

I mean, my pee. If we wanted the you pee, we would have to go to Michigan. Go to Michigan. My good friend Mish.

Again? Again. Oh, I hate that. Well, Maine, I heard that Maine, that I'm on Maine, Road Island. Oh no. Yeah, Road Island all night.

Alan got fucked by Maine?

Yeah, and now his penis-vania. He had a veiny penis? Penisylvania.

Speaking of a veiny penis, do you know who I heard is Connecticut?

Florida?

Florida. Yeah. Florida? Duh. Duh. You never would have guessed. You know what? I'm going to put a little verb into my mini soda because I'm feeling sassy.

Me too. I'm feeling so sassy. You know Anna? I heard she's loose. Loosey Anna. Loosey Anna is all loosey.

Loosey Anna.

Oh yeah. Just whatever may come. Just a Mardi Gras in her pants.

And didn't she just get? Didn't she just start dating York? No. She broke up with York. Who's she with now? It's like a New York. I don't know. I don't know. Oh my god, it's New Mexico. Well, nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico.

Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico.

Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico.

Nude Mexico.

Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico.

Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. What else?

I cannot believe how long you were able to go.

This is the official Hey Riddle Riddle coming soon to Disney+.

Howard Teen, Howard Dean Teen Scream.

Well, Adal, let's do this right. Do like the Disney Channel voiceover trailer and at the end of it, Casey will play that.

Sure. Yeah. Coming this election season, you've seen him on TV. You saw him eat shit on TV. And you know his most famous scream. But did you know that he was once a teenager? Coming soon. Welcome back to Disney Plus. Frankie Muniz is Howard Teen.

He's too old to play that for sure.

For sure. Oh, that was horrible. And I loved it. I loved every second of it.

Horful and beautiful.

We haven't even gone, we have not even gone 30 episodes without ruining an episode with Howard Dean Scream.

It's been two episodes since our last Howard Dean Scream.

We have to, everyone wants to make a custom sign that says it's been this many days since your last Howard Dean Scream that sent it to Hey Riddle Riddle. We would gladly put that up. We would gladly put that up.

We would gladly put that up in the studios.

What goes farther the slower it goes?

Well, I would say probably Louisiana. She goes all the way. What goes farther the slower it goes? Okay. The truth.

I love that. Incredible.

What goes farther the slower it goes?

I don't know. This feels like a very 1950s wording.

Oh, 23 Scadoo?

The damn communists!

Can we get a hint, Erin? Yeah, this is tough. This also feels like it's a little bit of advice that a grandfather would give.

Oh, is this like the tortoise and the hare shit of steady wins the race, slow and steady? Is this like a responsibility?

Yep, it's money.

Yeah.

You knew it.

It goes farther the slower it goes.

I don't need some old ass person from 1950 telling me about how to spend my money when a fucking hamburger costs half a penny. Fuck off.

Go off, JPZ.

Go off, King. Yeah, he's an old ass 1950 ass motherfucker. Just tell me how to live my life. Why don't you get on Instagram and then you tell me what TikTok is? It's giving, fuck you.

I've seen a few things on TikTok and probably on Twitter that are just like these guys who are like, here's what you do. Take $500 a month, set it aside, invest it. You're going to get 30% interest per year on your $500. You're going to get a million dollars within 10 years. What are you talking about? They're just like set aside $1,000, invest it. 10 years later, $50 million. What do you think? You're skipping a lot of details. Invest is kind of doing all the work of getting us to a million dollars.

My favorite are the ones that start with a million dollars. They're like, okay, so take your million dollars. You're like, whoa, wait, what the fuck? Where do you get the million, buddy? What is going on? Slow down, slow down, slow down. Do you have other videos I can watch? You seem so smart.

You seem so confident.

Erin, can we have another riddle, please?

From this little riddle book?

This one like sucks so bad, but I'm tempted to read it. Okay. Love it.

Is the answer JPC's attitude.

Yep, it does.

Every book has one that sucks. This is it. This is it. It's the suckiest riddle in this book. Thank you, Molly. Fuck you.

What is the difference between a milkmaid on the farm and a seagull in the harbor?

There's a lot of differences. A milkmaid is typically a human. A seagull is a type of bird. So they're going to have different parts, different organs, different sort of senses. One has speech, one does not, one kind of cause.

One milks the cows and the other one milks the cows.

One oversees the milk and one is overseas with milk.

It's going to be something like that though, right? Oh wait.

Yeah, you kind of got it.

What's the difference between a milkmaid on the farm and a seagull in the harbor? One milks the others and the other's utter disappointment.

Sorry, I know the seagull. One skims milk and the other skims water.

You love it. Oh 1953, huh? Mm-hmm. I do want to see a scene. Okay GPC you are a milkmaid Erin you are a seagull and the two of you are forming an unlikely friendship Wait, I think I get what you're saying We could kill each other's bosses right and then

No one would know because why would we know each other?

Yeah. Why would a seagull kill a cow?

Exactly.

And then why would a milkmaid kill a cow? Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. On the count of three, on the count of three, let's both say our boss's name, okay? I just wanna, I just wanna see this. On the count of three, we both say our boss's name, okay?

Mm-hmm.

One, two, three. Mr. Moo.

Mr. Moo. We have the same boss.

Similar boss. That made Seagull get in here. Moo. Shit. Shit, god damn it.

Yes, Mr. Moo.

What have I been paying the two of you for? I see you standing slash flying around. There's work to be done. There's udders to be... I don't know what the term is.

Squeezed? Is that, is that... Could it just be milked? Could it be milked? Well, milk sounds creepier. That's your, it's either your udders. Yeah, this feels, this feels ick.

Sir, can we go?

Wait, are you Mr. Cow? Wait, are you Mr. Cow? I'm Mr. Moo. Mr. Moo, I'm sorry. And we've been milking you, correct? Are you Mrs. Human? Are you Mr. Seagull? I think my main problem is I don't believe you have udders.

Let me prove it. No, I see what you're doing. You're trying to get me in trouble. What? I feel like you should be in trouble. Well, I'm wearing slacks and there is a cutout for the udders, but I'm not going to stand out and wave it around. I'm not going to swing my hips side to side and make it slap either of them.

You said wave it around. We got my udders. Yeah, I mean no, right?

Sure, can we go?

Say throw us in a day off seat.

That should be the tagline of Hey Riddle Riddle. Sir, can we go? Can we go? So many chas.

I actually I really liked that scene.

Oh, I have to keep reading riddles. Let's see. Why is it always a mistake to put on a shoe?

Why is it always a mistake to put on a shoe?

Because you're stepping on a sole because you already have a tongue. Because you can't get any too much traction.

Did put on mean something different in 1953? Like to entertain? Hey, you put on a shoe.

Yeah. Oh, put on a show. Damn. In old timey talk.

Oh, put on a show.

Yeah, put on a shoe.

It's going to be a really big shoe. It's a really big shoe. Why is it always a mistake to put on a shoe?

Mm-hmm. Why is it? Yeah, always a mistake to put on a shoe.

Oh, it can't be this simple, but is it? Because they need to only be wearing one shoe? Ooh, that's a good guess.

No, but that's a better answer to this.

Okay, okay.

Erin, can we have a small hint?

Because it's trying to be a joke. It's trying to be funny.

Is it a play on words like a shoe pun?

Kinda, yeah. Is it something about left-eats?

Who left feet or? Heel.

You're trying to heal? Because you're putting... I don't know why I'm expecting you to get this.

This is impossible. This is kind of a joke.

Okay. I'm going to put myself into the mind of a person from 1953 trying to come up with a joke. Oh, I'll do the same. Okay. Hey Jim, did you get anything for the joke? Why would we bother doing that? We could just drink until 4 or 5 p.m., call it quits for the day, and hope one of our secretaries finishes the joke.

Way ahead of you. Hey Susie, you got anything for that shoe joke?

Oh, nothing yet, sir, but at workin'.

Tippity tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap What was it happening? It wasn't really a seed. It wasn't really a seed. Can I be honest with you?

Yes. I'm not going to remember recording this episode. Serves up my life 100%. Oh, it's Teen Erin.

Our teen.

And it's Teen Erin. Our baby Erin, really.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What was that miffic when they cast the guy who was like 30 as a teen? What was that? All high school shows? No, it was the one that got really panned. Dear Evan Hansen, is it Dear Evan Hansen?

Ben Platt, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So that's going to be Erin. Erin's going to have her Dear Evan Hansen moment where she shows up at Howard Teen High School and they're like, are you here to teach, ma'am? It's going to be called always been good.

Are you our principal's grandmother? And then I'll go, nope, just a teen like you. Okay. I got one. If it's chicken. Oh, go ahead.

Can we hear the answer?

Oh what what?

Oh I didn't give you the answer?

No. Am I okay? I'm going to ask you as the secretary in that mini scene if you had the answer.

Y'all.

What was the answer?

Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop. Yeah it was. Because you're putting your foot in it. Shut up. Shut up.

Back in 1950, that was like a fuck you. That was basically saying fuck you. If you say, wow, Steve, you really put your foot in it. That was like, you fucked up royally, you piece of shit.

Exactly. That's also how I say fuck you to the ocean when I first get there.

Yeah, put your foot in it.

I put my foot in it. Fuck you ocean. Suck on that ocean. Suck on these toes.

If a chicken could talk, what kind of language would it speak? Spanish. If work could talk?

Yes.

If a chicken could talk, what kind of language would it speak?

Greek! Greek!

I like that a lot. English? No, but you both came up with incredible answers that I wish were real. I actually think that this is a good, as far as the joke riddles go, I think that this is pretty good.

Okay. Is it cluck? Cluck you.

Okay. Yeah. Cluck. Uh, cluck. What are the sounds chickens make?

Um, it's not a sound. Okay. It's not a sound. Feather. Uh, egg. Beak. Egg.

Pin, hin, hintai.

Hintai.

Big thumbs up from Casey.

Oh god, so it's a baby Howardine! I hated that.

Erin, I'd like to solve. Is it chicken French?

No. But think of what kind of bird it is.

Oh my god. I loved chicken French from Third Rock from the Sun. A flightless bird. And he's seen you as in with Lithgow. What type of bird is a chicken?

Well, it's a chicken. It's a farmyard bird. It's an egg-laying bird. It's an edible bird. Dinosaur. It's a dinosaur. It's a dinosaur, technically. Birds are dinosaurs.

I think I'm just going to tell you.

Hold on.

Give us a hint. Give us a better hint. I don't have any good hints.

What do you mean by what type of bird a chicken is?

Like people used to describe that type of Hey Riddle Riddle.

That's a type of bird though, right?

That's a type of bird.

I think it means bird.

What are some other types of birds? Dodo, peacock, penguin.

Roosters, geese. Oh, these are all birds listed in Oklahoma?

Guinea flat fowl.

Oh, these are game birds.

I was going to say fowl.

It's fowl. I'd like to see a scene. You both are two chickens on a farm and you both have you swear like sailors

I got a big cock. I got a big cock. I got a big cock. I got a big cock. I got a big cock. I got a big cock.

I got a big cock. Jeff, what the fuck is going on, man? What are you doing? Oh no. I'm trying to read the paper man. What's going on?

And I'm trying to look in the mirror like George Washington. Look at my car. I got a big car. Jeff.

Jeff. You gotta get your life together. What are you doing?

I got a big car.

Come on. It's a break room, man.

We're just two guys hanging out. We can be guys, because. Guys, because. There's a lot going on. I got a big car. I got a big car. I got a big car.

I guess, man.

I got a big car.

All right. Let me see it. Okay, yeah, pretty big. I mean, yeah. Congratulations, man. That's awesome. Scene.

That might be one of my favorite scenes ever. Oh, brother. To the point.

Okay. That reminds me of... There's a joke that is very fun to tell. I used to tell it all the time in high school. And it's like this whale joke. And the premise of the joke goes like this. You say these two whales are swimming together in the ocean. And one whale goes, and then for as long as you choose to do it, you just go... You just make whale sounds. You just make whale sounds for a long time. And then after five minutes or ten minutes or whatever, you go... And the other whale turns to him and goes, what the fuck are you talking about, Tim?

That's 100... James Z, I feel like that joke... Was formative in your sense of humor. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Oh man. I also realized... Erin that was out loud.

That joke also makes me realize that that's maybe a whale guest starring on that Snoop Dogg song.

I hear Snoop Dogg song that's like Snoop. Yeah. The Pharrell song. Yeah.

If a whale get an attitude. S and double O-P-D-O double Jizzee.

Or something like that. Or something like that. Erin, one more riddle. Why don't we do one more, Erin? Just for a little time sake. Alright.

If I only give one more, I'm going to read one that I kind of like or is not the worst ever.

Okay. Wouldn't be me, but I respect you for doing it.

Couldn't be me. All right. You know what? I'll just read this. What is the hardest key to turn?

The key to your heart. The piano key.

Oh, that's easy.

That's turning the key a blow. On street value? Is it like a map key, key to a map?

Oh, that makes sense.

You're right on the right track, for sure.

On the right track, okay. Key Largo? Montego? Baby, why don't we turn? Why don't we go? Uh, what's the hardest key to turn? The hardest key to turn. A monkey.

You're totally on the right track.

Okay, there it is. A big monkey.

A baboon.

I'm told that on the right track.

Well, it's an animal.

A chimpan-ski? Chimpan-ski?

Erin, is it Jim Pinsky? I'd like to solve the puzzle.

I like can't even believe it. I actually have done.

I'd say Jack just barfs.

Erin, I'd like to solve the puzzle. Jim Pinsky?

Yes. Uh, no. Erin, is it a kit-key cat?

Oh, God. No.

Is it key? Is it key?

It's an animal, you said. It is an animal.

Is it a Tiki drink? Is it a key?

Isn't it? There's got to be a bird that has key in the name, right? No, it's not that. A keycock. Is it a keycock?

Is it a keycock?

No, it actually has the sound key in it, so it's not like it's a rhyme or anything like that. Okay. Well, I said keycock. Well, that's not a real animal.

Oh, I guess we're limited by our imaginations here, Erin. Yes. Oh, is it a donkey?

Yes.

Wow. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey.

I am my Donkey Cody. What's going on?

And in the morning, I'm making waffles.

In the morning, I'm making kegels. Kegels!

And that's it. That's all I got from... Erin.

Erin, you did enough. Thank you. Let me just say right now, Erin, you done a good job.

Rest now. That'll do, Erin.

That'll do. Erin, why don't you rest and why don't we play a voicemail, huh? How about that?

Okay. Same set, my guy. 100%. Thank you, baby Erin. We're out of riddles!

Send voicemails faster! Send us voicemail! Voicemail! Master and voicemail that wait for the pain! Voicemail!

Voicemail! Hey guys, Matt from Valparaiso. Pretty close to Chicago. Love you guys. Been a fan since it started. I will let you know that the last payment of the Patreon put my Huh. Oh, we fucked up. Terrible. Well, I would say... Maybe don't spend the money on the candy. Maybe spend on the things that are important in life.

Seems like his credit card had a $10 limit.

Sorry, you charged $480,000 at the Reese's store. I can't.

I would say my favorite candy is last time I mentioned this during a Hey Riddle Riddle live show, I was met with total defiance. It seemed like nobody agreed with me. But I think watch them again. Then don't say it again, Adal. Learn your lesson. What's going on here? I used to love paydays.

I'll say this because I think a favorite can cycle in and out of style, but another shout out to Erin. Erin got me some dark chocolate, white chocolate peppermint bark for Christmas last year. I hate white chocolate. And I hate white chocolate too, and I'm not a big fan of peppermint. But for some reason, this bark was delicious. Now, I think it's also mostly dark chocolate and that's most of the taste of it. But man, I finished it. I actually just finished it like a few days ago, which I'm not sure how long it's supposed to last.

This was three Christmases ago, GPC.

It was quite a while, but I ate it very slowly, which also I enjoyed because I was just taking like tiny little bites of it every once in a while. But I have the box that I considered ordering some more because I was like, man, I really did enjoy that. Fantastic. Good gift, Erin.

I'm so glad that you liked it. Let's see. What is my answer? I really like fake orange flavor Yeah, so like orange starburst, but if fudge counted I would I would say fudge.

I love like Wow Really and then also like sour watermelon candy, which is very specific but I feel like Hershey or Nestle should just make like wrapped fudge like how hard would that be because it's so delightful and

I also want to add on Fudge, New York City, 2042. We went too far.

I do want to add one candy to my list so I have to watch my collets and then if I'm not feeling chocolate, German raspberries. If you've never had a German raspberry, they are so fucking good. They usually come in a bag with black and red pieces. It's like a little gumdrop, but they have little nonpareils on them.

Interesting.

Like little balls, little candy balls, but they come in black and red and they are just wonderful.

I think I've seen those, but I don't think I've ever had the inclination to put one in my mouth. So fucking good. Hey, if I'm ever not feeling chocolate, call the fucking doctor because there is something deeply wrong with this guy.

Can I recommend a specific kind of fudge? You can order it online. It's a place called Popolos, and it is so good. They make the best fudge in the world. It's a great gift if you need to send someone a thank you present. Popolos fudge.

If you're feeling like fudge and you need a piece of fudge, Popolos. Popolos. Cha, cha, cha.

And I'll go ahead and give a shout out to a little website called nerdwallet.com. Some pretty good basic information about finances on there. So if you find your credit card being canceled for an $8 Hey Riddle Riddle payment, by the way, thank you for supporting the show.

Sorry about that.

Truly sorry about that. We didn't do it. All right. Hey, that brings us to one of my favorite times of the show. This is a time where we like to plug some stuff that we are interested in or are doing in life. Adal, do you have anything to plug?

Yes, I was recently a guest on a podcast called The Bigfoot Collectors Club on there talking about aliens and big feet and cryptozoology. A really good time, so check that out. I'd also recommend checking out Sitcom D&D, a wonderful show. Check out their Patreon as well. And Billbuds, check out their Patreon and their main feed show as well.

This month we're doing Speaker Box and The Love Below on the show. Oh, so good.

Classic. Maybe one of the best double albums of all time.

Could be one of the best double albums of all time. I think that's probably safe to say. Dracula's Wedding is probably my... Okay, you can fucking talk to Johnny about that shit. I got no time for Dracula's Wedding.

I like roses too, but it's weird to rap poo poo poo poo. So I don't like that part. Erin, anything to point?

Yes, thank you for plugging sitcom D&D. That I think is back right now for season three. And then also we did something really fun on our Patreon. So if people have listened to our Patreon before, we do this segment called Elizabeth's Diary, where Elizabeth is reading like three pages at a time her diary from when she was like in the eighth grade. Wow. And a lot of it has to do with her boyfriend at the time. And we actually got him to come on the show and we interview her middle school, high school boyfriend. And it is, I could not believe how well it went. It was like the best time and one of my favorite episodes of anything I've ever been in. So if you want to check that out, that's our next stretch goal on the sitcom D&D Patreon. Really proud of it. Damn, that's cool. Really good. Uh, JPC, could you please, I'm serious, like read a review from the show or something like that? She's serious, JPC.

Not only will I read a review, but I will also say that if you want to get your review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, just go to Apple iTunes, leave us a five-star review. And hey, I might pick yours. For instance, I picked Shockwave527's review. Shockwave527 writes, an interesting take on true crime. This is probably the most unusual true crime slash murder mystery podcast I've ever heard. They really like to delve into the motive. Each episode seems to be building up the motive more and more, and yet I have no clue who dies. Who's the murderer? Do they all die? Do they all become murderers? Each episode ties so much together, only getting me more invested in how this all ends. And somehow, within all of this motive building, it's hilarious as well. Keep up the great work. I'm on the edge of my seat. I don't want to give too much away Shockwave 527, but do watch out for our season 2 finale when we will be revealing some pretty crucial clues. Cha-cha-cha. Kate loves the cha-cha-chas. Hey, Adal loves the cha-cha-chas, but Erin, I heard a little Missouri told me that you love something of your own, huh?

Jupiter.

And Casey one more time. Hey there basin areas. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's our San Francisco Sketchfest live show featuring Janet Varney. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. And you get those ad-free episodes. See you there.