Which Riddle Riddle?

#235: Colonel Popcorn

00:00:02

JPC

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Okay. Oh, the Merkle fish.

???

It was the cat in an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream. And the horse was being prided.

JPC

Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding. Hear ye, hear ye. The international competition of- He's making it up.

Adal

He's making it up.

JPC

No, I farted, and then I was like, did people hear? Because I was ringing the bell loud, but the fart was pretty loud, so I lost confidence.

00:01:03

Erin

Why are you here? You stepped into the middle of the town square, started ringing your bell, and what are you talking about?

JPC

I'm gonna be put to death. I know I'm gonna be put to death after this because I have to this up so bad, and this is my third strike.

Adal

Well you're standing with stockades on you. They seem to be ripped from the ground, so clearly you were in stockades earlier today and just stood upright with such force that you...

JPC

I thought this is going to get me back. I thought this is going to get me back. I was like, this will put me back in the King's Good Graces. I will... Well then go on man, what have you to say?

Erin

What news do you bring?

JPC

It's a tournament, an international, and I know there's only like two nations.

Adal

Can I say, I don't want to fuck with tradition, but hear ye, hear ye. What are you getting? Listen up, listen up. Gather round, listen up. That's something.

JPC

The thing about ye is it's gender neutral. So it's like, hear ye, hear ye is much better than ladies and gentlemen.

Erin

Don't give him a note. He won't have time to take it. He's gonna get put to death soon.

JPC

Sorry, something about a tournament? Listen up. I mean, I like listen up, but it does feel a little like demanding. Like, hear ye hear ye is more like, this is a suggestion, not an order. Like, do you want to hear? I'm not telling you to listen. I'm like, maybe you should hear.

00:02:17

Erin

I'm gonna sit. It feels like we might be here a while.

JPC

Yeah, I'm gonna sit too. Just sitting in the mud? It's Town Square mud. You're sitting in that? It's an international... It's an international riddle competition. We're all of the best... I'm out. Good day. Good day for you. No. It's free, man. It's free to the public. Of course it's free. Come on. No one would pay to do riddles. I'm gonna get put to death. The king's gonna kill my ass for sure.

Adal

A message from the king. Any person this day forward who shall do riddles will be executed.

JPC

Man, I just got it. This king is wishy washy.

Erin

Sorry, I have to stop the podcast for one second. Something insane just happened to me. Sorry, is this your character? Yeah, we pause. We're going back to that.

JPC

Remember when we would do improv on stage and Erin would be like, okay everybody pause? I had something crazy.

00:03:20

Adal

I just heard a pop in my knee. And I need everyone to shut up.

Erin

So I put my hands down on my legs, right?

Adal

Sure, yeah.

Erin

And then I was like, what? There's something, I'm wearing leggings. I went to Pilates this morning wearing leggings, not to brag.

Adal

So far, nothing to stop a podcast over.

Erin

Exactly. But you'll see, Adal, I am so confident you're about to be on my side, you have no idea. Wow. I would bet in my life you're about to be on my side. And then I feel something in between my leggings and my leg and I go, I've been wearing these for 4 hours at this point.

JPC

Oh, got it. You got a sock in there.

Erin

No, you would think it's much smaller. I just pulled out. It's on my thigh. I don't eat popcorn anymore. A popcorn Colonel.

Adal

Anymore.

Erin

Well, I'm allergic to corn.

Adal

I don't buy or eat popcorn. Someone's trying to kill you. Erin, hold on. Someone's trying to kill you. They're putting kernels in your types.

JPC

Wait, Erin. Erin, is it in- it was in between your legging and your leg? A little kernel of popcorn?

00:04:23

Erin

Yes! What does it mean? Okay, now you understand why I had to stop the fun podcast? That's crazy. You guys, that's so weird.

JPC

Erin, here's what I will say.

Erin

What?

JPC

I get that this is alarming to you, but it is not surprising to me.

Erin

Does that make sense?

Adal

Yeah, can I say something? Does that make sense? Erin, you were so adamant I would be on your side. And honestly, I don't know if finding a piece of popcorn on your pants is worth stopping.

???

In my pants, Adal.

Erin

Serves up my guy 100%. Casey, thank you.

JPC

It was in her pants, but Erin, don't take this the wrong way. You are the type of person who I don't think it is unreasonable that you find a little popcorn in your pants.

Adal

Yeah, Erin, I think without being, Erin, I love you so much. I love you so much. Sometimes you just have to know who you are. You're the type of person, Erin, I love you so much. You're the type of person who would go to speak and suddenly realize they have a mouthful of tomato soup and it would just go everywhere and you'd be like, I totally forgot I had put some soup in my mouth this morning and I'd just been holding it in my mouth all day.

00:05:30

Erin

I don't know what you're talking about. I get compared to Grace Kelly all the time. I'm nothing but...

JPC

I do think that if you think this is rock bottom, I think some self-reflection has to be at play here because I gotta tell you, this is the top. You are soaring right now with a little piece of popcorn. You have said on the podcast how much worse it can get.

???

I can't breathe, I'm spinnin'.

JPC

I like it. I kind of thought you were like, I'm wearing tights. I went to Pilates. I looked down and put my hand on my, like I said, this feels weird. I'm not wearing tights. I have thought I've been wearing tights all morning and I am not wearing tights.

Adal

I think it's something where I could see Erin. Erin is in the back rooms of Harvard, in some wood-paneled room in the library. She's defending her dissertation for PhD. Yeah. And halfway through, she stops, she goes, I'm so sorry. Can we stop for a second? You're going to love this. I just found a cat hair in my hair. I've never owned a cat. And they say, please leave.

00:06:36

JPC

Erin, I have some theories, though.

???

I have some theories.

JPC

So with the popcorn, do you have your own washer and dryer, or do you have a washer and dryer that you share with other people in your building?

Erin

I have my own washer and dryer. It's the best part of my life.

JPC

My theory is out. Sorry, this theory no longer applies.

Adal

I truly think someone's trying to kill you. Or, Erin, as per last week's episode, or sorry, this is directed towards JPC, or JPC, as per last week's episode, Erin is slowly introducing things she's allergic to just by happenstance appearing because she's going to fake her own death.

JPC

Ooh, okay. Also, I've printed into last week's episode, it could be that Erin went to a movie, sat on a popcorn kernel. Oh, yeah. Then she came home, took her tights off backwards. Now it's inside. Didn't know her tights are on backwards today. Put on those same tights the other way. So really what she's doing is she's weighing her tights backwards with a popcorn to Colonel inside now.

00:07:37

Adal

Erin, I have a question that could be done. If it is, I want you to remain silent. I'm pretty well versed in biology. Could that have been an ovary? Pretty well. He's like a 75% almost there.

JPC

I got a 75% on my biology set.

Erin

I don't know much about anything.

Adal

Don't know much about nothing.

Erin

That seems too small for an ovary. It's certainly a popcorn colonel. It 100% was. And you know what? I regret saying anything. Because I thought I would have too... Okay, then hold on, hold on.

Adal

Wishy washy. Nobody says that about the king. You shall be beheaded now. Hey my guy, I was already getting executed, okay?

Erin

Sorry, back to my thing.

JPC

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Erin

I texted Sean and I said, have you eaten popcorn this week? And he just texted back, no.

???

Okay.

JPC

Okay. It's a podcast about riddles. I am one of your hosts, JPC. With me, as always, my other co-hosts.

00:08:38

Adal

I am two of your hosts, Adal Rifai.

Erin

And I'm Erin Keif. And I shouldn't have said anything.

JPC

And she's having it all. And she's got it going on. And everything is fine.

Erin

Throw my leggings up into the air in a freeze frame. I'm having it all. I'm a glamorous woman.

Adal

She's gonna break it after crunch.

Erin

Yeah! Thank you, Casey. It's a mystery I'll never have solved. Sorry about that, everyone.

JPC

What is a riddle podcast if not a mystery podcast, Erin? I think that this is the perfect place for you to bring your little life mysteries.

Adal

Can I toss out there, maybe the biggest riddle of all, maybe Erin has done us a favor. Maybe she's given us a boon. Perhaps this episode is solely dedicated to solving Why the Colonel and the Leggings? One of life's greatest riddles.

Erin

A sad 31-year-old feels a bump between her leggings and her leg. That's how that riddle starts.

00:09:41

JPC

That feels like the start of one of those new type of medication commercials where they're introducing a medication to solve a problem that they're inventing.

Erin

Look, hey, as much as I would do that... Emerge Trampfiant.

JPC

As much as I do that we have like I think we have like four of these diet palindromes left that I you know I really just want to I really want to just burn through the last four of these now it will take us all episode to burn through these four diet palindrome riddles we all know that to be true yeah and I really like your beard right now by the way oh I think it's awesome Now, we are about to see each other in person, I believe, at our, I think this weekend, right? At our live show in San Francisco. Oh yeah, this Sunday in San Francisco?

Adal

Yeah. Not too well on it. Erin, could you run so fast the Colonel popped? And that might give us some answers. No, but what?

Erin

Have I sit in a hot tub, I think it will?

JPC

Or a sauna. Do you see we're going to see each other live? A hot tub, okay. Someone's a never nude. Yeah, you're gonna see this beard in person. I will say it's longer than I think it looks on camera. I'm close to getting rid of it.

00:10:53

Erin

In a couple years, if you let that go a couple years, you'll have a Rasputin beard, and then you'll finally be your truest self.

JPC

I did feel like I was like, maybe I'll just do a year. Maybe I'll see what I can do with a beard in a year, because I haven't really cut it at all. I kind of want to get that big-ass ZZ Top beard going.

Erin

Whoa, I can hear Mariah packing a suitcase. Wow.

JPC

To go on tour with you and your beard as it heats up. I would say that it's not her favorite thing, but I've had a beard the entire time that we've been together and for probably the last decade of my life. And what she has enjoyed is she has enjoyed braiding it because it is long enough now that you can, it can be braided. Maybe I'll do that for the live show. I'll throw some like Norse braids into my beard.

Adal

Is she taking requests?

JPC

Is she taking requests?

Adal

Yeah. You said she braids it.

JPC

Hey Riddle Riddle.

00:12:01

Erin

Oh, one time I picked, you know, you get to pick colors from your rubber bands. I didn't have anyone in my life being like, maybe don't get Christmas colors, you loon. Wow. And one time- You've had older sisters. No, they didn't care about me. Yeah, let me repeat, I had no one in my life. One time I got neon yellow. And that was just the month of my life. People would be like, what's wrong with your teeth? And I was like, one day everything's gonna work out great for me.

Adal

I'm gonna be- And Erin, how's that going?

Erin

I found popcorn in between my leggings and my legs today.

JPC

And she said one day, so she has like plenty of time, Adal. So, you know, it only has to be one day that things go right. Okay, okay.

Erin

All right, let's do these palindromes.

JPC

Diet palindromes. We all remember how these are played, and if we don't, then we're about to get them. So let's do this one. Here we go. Here's your first one. Celestial vermin. Celestial vermin. Now this is a word. It's star rats. Alright, I do want to see a scene. My favorite James Bond movie. I want to see a brief scene where there's a big crisis on Earth and we are a group of superheroes known as the Star Rats. People are expecting some Marvel heroes to show up and help out, but we're the Star Rats and we're here to help.

00:13:28

Adal

Oh god! That building, the building! The building is coming down! It's an earthquake! I see it. I'm Captain Eyes. Who is talking? Down here? I'm Captain Eyes. My one thing is I can see what's going on. I have like a 175 peripheral. I'm sorry? I'm Captain Eyes. Can you put me in your hand? Bend down and put me in my hand.

Erin

Never fear, the Star Rats are here.

JPC

According to my rat sensors, that building's coming down.

???

I'm sorry, what is going on? Sorry, we're the Star Rats. We each have a power and we each have a little catchphrase. Let me scoop you up, get you all up here, okay?

Erin

Wait, my pizza, my pizza, my pizza.

???

Oh, our tails are tied together. Oh no. Okay, okay. Oh fuck, we're gonna die like this.

JPC

No, no, it's fine, I can hear. Let me just, oh god, they're so slimy. I'll untie these, I'll pick up your pizza. So you're the star rats?

00:14:34

???

Mm-hmm.

???

Don't say it backwards. Or you might accidentally say... Oh, star rats, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well... And bite your thumb? Ow! What the fuck?

Erin

We're the Star Rats.

???

According to my sensors, his thumb just got bit. Yeah, I saw the whole thing.

Erin

Up the building came down.

JPC

Yeah, the building came down. The fucking building came down. Yeah, it stinks.

Erin

Well, back to the sewers, boys.

???

What? Tell your friends. Tell them what? Tell them the Star Rats helped.

JPC

According to my sensors, it's time to go.

Adal

He's being censored. He said a lot of bad things.

JPC

It's so woke nowadays.

???

Nobody wants, nobody lets you just say what we're all thinking. We gotta go. We gotta head out.

JPC

That was the star rats. Okay, here's your next one. Here's your next one. Liquid predator moves. Liquid predator moves.

00:15:40

Adal

Liquid predator moves. Okay, this is tough. Is this three words or two words? It is two words. It's just two words. I mean, stock is how a predator moves. Okay. But I can't think of what stock would be backwards that's...

JPC

I think that, I think, I think the way that this is worded with it being three words is a little confusing, but I think it's like liquid moves goes together and predator goes, it's like liquid predator moves, but it's not like a predator move, it's liquid move.

Adal

Can I say once? I was in Pittsburgh and I ran into predator on the dance floor to rave and he had those, you know those glow stick that go through your fingers that weave in and out? And he was on, clearly on Molly, and he was just like doing all these like glow sticks and he had the gloves with the lights on them. It was good for him. Yeah, he was losing his mind.

???

Honestly, a guy like that needs a vacation, okay? Yeah.

Adal

All he does is pred- pred- pred- preditate. All he does is preditate. All he does is preditate. You know, famously Jean-Claude Van Damme was the original predator, and he was in that suit, and then he was like, this suit fucking sucks, and he like walked off set, and then they got someone who was like seven foot two, and they're like, this is much better.

00:16:54

???

Is that true?

JPC

It makes sense, and it always feels like when you're like a face, you know, to be like, oh yeah, let me just put on a costume where you can't see my face at all. Can you imagine if Fredder was like 5'2", just like a little guy? Just like a little guy? Honestly, maybe yeah, because like the predator going up against like, you know, all those like big muscle bound dudes and he's just like a little, a little, little guy, like just jumping around. That's actually pretty cool.

Adal

Um, liquid predator moves. Liquid predator moves.

JPC

So it's not swim? Erin, what would the- Slosh? What's swim backwards? Swin backwards. Because it has to be the other word backwards.

Erin

Yeah, but it's something like swim.

00:17:55

JPC

Well, it's a word. Wade?

Erin

It's not Wade.

Adal

It's not Wade.

Erin

What else can you do in the water? You can wade, you can swim, you can... You can wade. You can splash.

JPC

You can slash, you can splash. Apex Zippa? Apex Zippa. It is not Apex Zippa. It is a specific type of predator. So if you got bear, wolf, adult, wolf,

Erin

Flunt?

JPC

Wolf?

Erin

Love? Flow? Wolf? Flow? Holy shit, that's a great DJ name. Oh, I'd like to see Wolf.

JPC

We're just, there's no bad ideas at Brave Story. It is Wolf? Flow? Erin?

Erin

JPC, you are a groom at a wedding. Adal, you are Wolf? Flow, the DJ. And JPC, you have a bone to pick with him about the music that he's playing at this wedding.

Adal

All right, this is DJ. Wolf Flow. And we're going to play another song about the moon. This is Van Morrison's moon dance, I want to say.

00:18:58

JPC

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why don't we actually, you know what, guys, we're going to take a little five minute break. Everyone's been going at it pretty hard and we're going to be right back in five minutes. DJ Wolf Flow.

Adal

Yeah.

JPC

Hey, what the fuck? You gotta stop playing Van Morrison.

Adal

You just fucking busted my wolf flow, dude. Stop playing Van Morrison? The Irish Elvis?

JPC

Are you kidding me? Lower your voice. Lower your voice. I know you were only $50. Are you kidding me? No, not just the volume. You don't have to lower like the timbre of your voice.

Adal

Well, you're talking to an audio engineer, so you need to be specific.

JPC

DJ Woolfel, we sent you a list of songs that we wanted you to play, and so far... This is Lie in the Family Stone? Yeah, hey y'all. We're trying to have a very classic wedding experience. Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.

Adal

Hey, nobody knows it, but when the eighth or ninth Van Morrison song kicks in, everybody gets on the dance floor. Now, you do have to be patient. It is a slow burn. I'm not gonna lie.

00:20:00

JPC

Look, we only, I mean, I think people are only familiar with maybe like the one Van Morrison song.

Adal

And I need to apologize. Yeah. I should have read the room and realized this was not the type of wedding where during Brown Eye Girl, every time he says Brown Eye, I yell butthole. I thought that would be fun and funny, but I got a lot of evil eyes.

JPC

I'll be honest with you. I don't even think people would have heard it if you hadn't cut the music out to yell it.

Erin

Hey, it's very alarming. Honey, can I make a request from the DJ?

JPC

Absolutely, Michelle. Anything you want. I'm trying to take care of this, but yes, anything you want.

Erin

Oh no. First of all, love everything so far. DJ Knows Best.

Adal

Oh, let me write that down in case I ever get offered a sitcom deal from TV land. What Van Morrison song did you want to hear?

Erin

It's on a Van Morrison song, but can I hear werewolves of London?

Adal

Ooh, did Van Morrison ever cover words, Yvonne?

Erin

No.

Adal

I am seeing a sign of Michelle that I have never seen before, and it is kind of concerning to me. Kind of concerning. It's your day, she said to you. Hey Riddle.

00:21:45

JPC

Just why don't you just play whatever you feel like playing. You know, we only have four hours of the wedding left. So, you know, knock yourself out. No one's having a good time, but I can see that this whole thing was kind of a mistake anyway.

Adal

Well, I could break my own code and maybe I'll, here's what I'll do. Hey, hey, it's DJ Wolfflow. And we're going to get everyone on the dance floor with a little Nick Drake. Who's the guy who sings Pink Moon? I think it's Nick Drake. Hey everybody, I'm on a dance floor.

Erin

Don't you have a computer in front of you?

Adal

No, he doesn't.

???

There is no computer. It's got two Van Morrison CDs. That guy sounds awesome.

Adal

It's like Nick Drake who sings Pink Moon. What's Pink Moon? It's like the slowest song in the history of music. It's a very beautiful song, but it's very, very slow.

JPC

I know Blue Moon and I know Moon River. I feel like Moon Dance is a song that was on the radio when I was a kid on the classic rock radio stations. I honestly don't think my dad was a Van Morrison guy. I think my mom may have been more into Van Morrison.

00:22:56

Adal

I was not a Van Morrison song until I saw Martin Scorsese's documentary, The Last Waltz, and then you see him. He's in a velvet maroon jumpsuit doing karate high kicks, and he's coked out of his gourd. And the minute I saw that film, I was like, I'm a Van Morrison fan.

Erin

And now you're a Van Morrison song?

Adal

Wow.

Erin

I thought you were a human man.

JPC

Alright, Patreon idea. We take the what Van Morrison song, Quiz Are You, Quiz Quiz, BuzzFeed.

Erin

What? How?

Adal

Have I told you that Little Old Lady got mutilated late last night as one of my favorite lyrics of all time?

Erin

And you're saying that out loud to people?

???

Yeah. Yeah.

JPC

Hey, one of my favorite lyrics to start off a rock song is lives. Her plus inter falls to the floor. How you go out there on stage and you sing that line is beyond me.

Adal

Her presenter hits the floor. They also had a song about dolphins crying, which is pretty wild.

JPC

Lightning Crashes, Dolphins Crying, all of their songs they're like... Shit Town was one of them. Down verbs. Wolf flow. Okay, here we go. We only have two more of these diet pal and drums left. Two more. Okay. Friend that sits on you.

00:24:11

???

This is a friend that sits on you.

JPC

I'm sorry?

Adal

Phoebe Neeby. Monica Annamuk. Chandler Wood. A friend that sits on you. A friend who sits on you. Pow lap. Lap pow.

JPC

It is a lap pow.

Adal

Okay. JPC, you are, you wake up one morning and you have grown on your lap, you have grown on your lap a lap pow. Got it. It's just like a growth that talks to you that's in the shape of a human friend.

Erin

Good morning. Time to make a doctor's appointment. I'm not supposed to be here.

JPC

Oh no. Am I still asleep? Am I still dreaming?

Erin

No. No.

JPC

Call your doctor. What are you?

Erin

I'm not entirely sure. I just know that I'm not supposed to be here. You haven't been taking good care of yourself. You got to clean your sheets more. You got to go to the doctor.

00:25:14

JPC

What do you mean clean my sheets? How do you clean sheets?

Erin

Ew, what? What do you mean how do you clean sheets? Have you never cleaned your sheets?

JPC

I'd get my bed soaking wet if I tried to clean these. Like with a sponge?

Erin

You think that you're... Oh my god. You're cleaning it while it's still on the bed?

JPC

No, I'm not doing that. Because I know if the bed gets wet because I've had a bed get wet before, it's ruined. It starts to grow like mold and stuff in there.

Erin

Why? Why did your bed get wet?

JPC

I was so, I totally misunderstood what a waterbed was.

Erin

Oh God.

JPC

Cause it's a specific type of bed. It's not just any bed covered in water.

Erin

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're supposed to take the sheets off, put them in the laundry.

JPC

The what?

Erin

Okay. This is worse than I thought. I'm dialing. Here's your, okay. It's ringing.

JPC

Oh wow. You have a little phone. You have a little phone down there.

Erin

It's really cute. Call your doctor.

???

Go for Dr. Demento. Hey, I have a request. Oh, you want to hear fish heads?

JPC

I want to hear fish heads again, please.

00:26:15

Adal

You got it. And who should I say requested?

JPC

What's your name? Lapel.

Adal

That's it. Lapel?

JPC

Lapel. No, I'm requesting Jeremy. I'm requesting. This is for Lapel.

Adal

You want to hear Pearl Jam's Jeremy on Dr. Demento? You realize what I do here, kid, right?

JPC

Do you have a Jeremy, like, you know, parody song? Novelty song? Yeah, like a novelty for Jeremy.

Adal

Maybe. Yeah, we can figure. Oh, yep, I'm looking on the computer here. And we do have the Budweiser frogs did a acapella version of Jeremy.

JPC

No, I'm not. I'm less looking for like an interpolation and more like a parody, I guess. What did I say? Well, you said the Budweiser frogs did an acapella version.

Adal

You don't think the Budweiser frogs croaking an acapella version of Pearl Jam's Jeremy is fitting for Dr. Demento?

JPC

I just don't necessarily know that it's a parody, right? Like, isn't the thing with a parody that the lyrics have to change? It has to be like, are the, are the frogs doing like a thing of like, Budweiser, Spoken, or anything like that?

00:27:18

Adal

No, they, it's, one says Jer, the other one says me, the third says Spoken. So it's Jer, me, Spoken.

JPC

I'm getting another fight on air with Dr. Demento. This happens almost every day. Seed. All right, here's your last one. Your last one. And then we will take a little break. I think you guys are going to get this really fast.

???

I say big an asshole.

JPC

Okay. This one is Pop-Up Atlas. Pop-Up Atlas. Pop-Up Atlas. Erin, it's not map, but it's almost map. No, no, no. Map is three of the four letters. Maps. Maps. Map spam.

Erin

They don't love you like I love you. Maps. Spam. Spam. Spam.

JPC

Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam.

Erin

Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam.

JPC

Spam. Spam. Yeah, yeah, yeahs. Yeah, yeah, yeahs. The yeah, yeah, yeahs could have done spam. And don't eat it like it's salty. This is Dr. Demento. Do you have a song?

00:28:32

Adal

Dr. Demento, don't hang up.

JPC

It's Jeremy again. It's Jeremy again.

???

Clona again.

JPC

We will be back. We will be back with more, well, will there be more Riddles? Probably, after a brief break.

Erin

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

Adal

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

JPC

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Erin

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

00:29:34

JPC

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

Erin

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

Adal

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

JPC

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

00:30:44

Erin

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

JPC

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run.

Erin

Run.

Adal

Is that DaVinci?

Erin

Yeah. Yes.

JPC

And bye.

Adal

Erin, not to dwell on this, but definitely to dwell on this. Where on your leg was the Colonel found? Was it on the thigh is my question?

Erin

Exactly. Yeah. It was right between like halfway point between knee and hip.

Adal

Okay. So here's what I'm thinking during the break. I did a little bit of investigating in my mind palace and a Colonel on your thigh. Where can you get a thigh? And it includes a Colonel KFC. You're supposed to go to KFC. Is there KFC near where you live? I hope not. Go there you're gonna find the next answer.

00:31:53

JPC

That's something I don't want to know about myself.

Erin

Yeah, I don't want to know. I actually never tell me.

JPC

You're being led on a scavenger hunt. I learned there was a Jimmy John's new where I lived and that fucked me over. It completely fucked me up.

Adal

Yeah, it's kicked my wallet in a fucking nut. So good.

Erin

I'm going to need to journal about the fact that I thought everyone would gasp and be like, oh my gosh, it's so crazy that you found a little bit of popcorn under your pants. Instead, you guys were like, yep. Okay, it's a Monday, you found popcorn in your pants.

JPC

Erin, I know that this sucks to hear, but on the other side, it is sometimes kind of exciting to be like, I do have something to talk about in therapy this week. I have so often so often I'm like oh yeah like what do I talk about I guess I'll just start talking and something will come out but this one gets like hey clear your schedule for the next hour I have the topic.

Adal

Yeah I think finding I was I wasn't expecting just food in your legging like if it if I had put on a condom and found like a small bird or something that's wild.

00:33:02

Erin

I always sort of beat myself up because I feel like I'm a very spacey person and I'm not like totally with it all the time in reality and I went to Pilates and Pilates is all about like being aware of your body and getting into your body. How did I not notice a popcorn Colonel? The entire time, I was like staring at my legs. Ugh, doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry. Me, I'm sorry.

JPC

You lose the forest for the trees, Erin. It's very believable that you could just kind of miss that small detail.

Erin

Yeah. It's hard though, but anyway. It's hard, no. Riddles.

JPC

Hey man, I agree. It's fucked.

Adal

What did you do? Did you throw away the Colonel? Let's hope not.

Erin

No, I mean, I did something.

Adal

You might need fingerprints off that.

Erin

You know when you're like sort of- You tasted it? No. You know when you're in a moment of like sort of being stunned? Like where you just are sort of numb and like scared?

JPC

So I looked at it in my hand when we were doing a little bit of- Go ahead and just assume that all of the things that happen in your mind do not happen in our minds so we will need you to walk us through the process. Don't say like, you know when, because I don't. I actually don't.

00:34:09

Erin

When you're an Erin and you're in a state of shock, I was sort of staring at it and I was listening to you guys being like, boop, boop, boop, I'm going to get it. And I was like, huh, OK, this is a popcorn kernel. And then in a sort of sense of like shame, I just sort of let it drop to the ground. And I'm not a litterer, especially not in my own home, because I'm on the set eventually. But I was like, I had so much, it's like a shameful thing to find a little bit of popcorn in between leggings in your legs. So I just sort of let it drop to the ground. And I almost as if I was in the same room as you guys, I was like, they're not going to notice you. And then I was like, I actually do feel scared enough that I'm distracted and they're going to sense my distraction. So I should be honest. But that was a mistake. Yeah.

JPC

Erin, I'll tell you, there was a time, this is maybe a few years ago, and I was like out all day and I came home and I sat down in like my computer chair and then when I got up I like saw that there was like a dark smudge on my computer chair. I was like what the fuck? And then I looked at like the back of my pants and there was like a dark smudge on my pants and I was like what is this chocolate? And like I tasted it. Oh no, no. Yeah, but the first thing that I did, the first, I didn't smell it first. The first thing I did was taste it, because my brain said, is this chocolate? When did I sit in chocolate?

00:35:31

Erin

You should never trust yourself again. I'm serious.

JPC

After I did that, and it was chocolate, I was like, 100% this could have been poop. Like, why did I ever assume it was chocolate?

Erin

I would like hire a full-time chaperone for myself if I did that. I'd go, I actually, I cannot be trusted on my own.

Adal

Yeah, I gotta say brother, that's the biggest fucking roll of the die I've ever heard of in the personal life. Wild.

JPC

I said Jesus take the wheel. I'm gonna check to see if this is chocolate. The worst way that you can with taste. And the thing was, I must have sat on chocolate on the train or something, because I was like, I don't have any chocolate in the house. It ain't mine. If that was poop, I'm going to find the guy who shit that, because I will be eating your poop.

Adal

Here's what I think happened. Either somebody has sweet, sweet poop, or it was absolutely trained shit, and your brain tried to immediately, your brain was like,

JPC

My brain deleted it. I deleted all the information of the sensory thing. He was like, chocolate.

00:36:35

Adal

My dude, I don't know what you're doing. I'm going to send you a signal that that's chocolate.

JPC

So we can move on and never dwell on this again. Do you think that if poop in general tasted like chocolate, I think that people would eat it. I don't think anyone would talk about it. I think that it would be like one of those things that you just don't break up and play a conversation.

Erin

I know you guys can hear me typing, but I'm on LinkedIn trying to find a new podcast to join.

JPC

Good luck, Erin. They don't have fun like this on the fucking daily, okay? They don't talk about what if boot port chocolate on the daily.

Erin

Fun like this, huh? When you look at someone's LinkedIn, I think that they show you get sent the most recent emails that went to your LinkedIn. So if you're looking up an X on LinkedIn, they know.

JPC

Oh yeah. LinkedIn is pretty fucked up. Don't go on LinkedIn. Let's all stick to the social media sites that we know and love. Like Twitter. Like Mastodon and BAB. And Patriot front storm or whatever. Oh, those are the ones I'm on. Hey, those last riddles that I forgot to mention again. I've mentioned it three times. We're from Tim. Thank you so much, Tim. These riddles are from Theo. I don't know when Theo gave me these riddles, but they gave them to me. They handed them to me in person. So I'm assuming it was at one of our live shows from a long time ago. They also wrote a very, very nice note. But then they provided some riddles and they said that they made them with love. Isn't that fun? Oh, you know what? Maybe I've never met Theo and they mailed these to us as well. That's also a possibility.

00:38:14

Erin

Theo, let us know.

Adal

Let us know.

JPC

Anything new in the mailbox? Hey, you know what? That's actually a great thing. I was going to bring that up. We got a ton of Christmas cards. A lot of people send us their Christmas and holiday cards. I put them up on my downstairs fridge for the holiday season. So thank you to everyone who sent us those cards. And please, if you have riddles that you'd like to send us, riddle books, wedding invitations, we will always take those wedding invitations. One day, one day we'll come.

Erin

Keys to safety deposit boxes. You can send us anything you want.

JPC

Yeah, get in that mailing address is 6351 West Montrose Ave, number 267, Chicago, Illinois 60634. Make it out to Hey Riddle Riddle, and then we will go and pick those up.

Adal

And don't send us loose chocolate.

JPC

No, it's going to be very tempting to send us little boxes of chocolate or poop and make us play that on a Patreon one day, but guess what? I'm not going to be fool me once. Shame on me. Fool me twice. Shame. Shame. Shame.

00:39:16

Erin

Shame. Shame.

???

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Adal

Shame.

???

Shame.

???

Shame.

JPC

Shame. Shame. Shame.

???

Shame.

JPC

Shame. Shame.

Erin

Shame. Shame.

???

Shame.

JPC

Shame.

???

Shame.

???

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Adal

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Erin

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Adal

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

JPC

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame Not a moral absolutist, but my crimes are black and white. I pass my day in slumber and go traveling at night. You will see me more than hear me, but should you be too dense, aside from sight and sound, I will assault another sense.

Adal

Is it old time in these programs?

Erin

No, I quit my answer and I support Adal's answer.

Adal

It's like Edward R. Morrow TV.

JPC

It is a skunk. Theo also included some little notes next to the Riddle clues. Like, they're nocturnal and they make very few sounds. And then my favorite one, which is just stinky with two exclamation points.

00:40:18

Adal

They definitely say if you remove the stink gland or wherever the spray is produced that they make better pets than dogs, even.

JPC

That can't be real. I've met one person in my life who had a pet skunk and it was not very well behaved because I think it was like, I don't know it. Are they even domesticated? I think they're wild.

Erin

I don't know why I imagined When you said they weren't well behaved I imagine them like drinking Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi and like gaming and yelling at their mom I don't know why I pictured them as like a misbehaving child and not a misbehaving animal

JPC

I was in college and I was at a party and I think and I could be misremembering this because it could have been the person who had the skunks placed that I was at because I didn't know any of I didn't know like where I was I wasn't like familiar this was like a friend's house but I think it was a person who had a pet skunk that brought it to someone else's party and it was just running around and I was like no you can't do this like it didn't have a stink gland but it was like still like you could just like bring a skunk into someone's apartment.

00:41:25

Adal

That's a wild fucking move.

JPC

You guys have never been sprayed right?

Adal

Never been sprayed.

JPC

My car's been sprayed. Yeah, teens tagged your car.

Adal

That's not really what I'm talking about. tomato juice or something? Is that what you get it out with, Erin?

JPC

I think you soak a popcorn kernel in your legs. That's how you get rid of this.

Erin

No, I've never been sprayed. I'm basically a queen who's very classy. Everything's gone right for me in my life.

Adal

Hey Riddle.

JPC

We had my, when I was in my last apartment, our landlord who lived upstairs in our like mutual backyard, their dog got sprayed. Our dog was in the house luckily. And that dog, I mean, it gets on that fur and there's, I mean, it's, your dog is fucked. Like, I think they had to like cut some of the fur off the dog because of just how strong the stink was. How deep it got.

00:42:31

Adal

It is fascinating to me. Skunks have this spray ability. You think of like porcupines can like shoot their quills armadillos can roll up into a little armored ball turtles have like this huge like the animal kingdom has like superpowers and then you think of us and we're just like soft Soft bellied things that just like run in terror from everything.

Erin

We got nothing. We invented music. I don't know. We mostly caused harm. The birds are here.

Adal

The birds. We just copied the birds.

JPC

An elephant, an elephant like uses his truck to like roll up some music on a music stand and just throw it away. Like humans are never going to fucking hear it. So why play it? Alright, let's do another one of Theo's riddles, okay? When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. Not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black, that keeps the rain from off your back. Umbrella. Wow, I like this one. This is fun.

00:43:39

Adal

Umbrella, window, car, tree... Can you read it one more time?

JPC

No, unfortunately Adal got an umbrella window car tree. This is an only connect Riddle. I was trying to try to give you a little misdirect there. Yeah, one more time. Here we go. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. The addendum on that one is that's just how riddles work, which I think is fun because that's a nothing line, but it rhymes, so it's part of it. Uh, not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black. That keeps the rain from off your back.

Adal

So is it clear? If it's not white, rainbow hue, or black, I would think like a pane of glass or something?

JPC

I love that. I love where you're thinking with glass and it's not glass. No. I mean, that's close. That keeps the ring from off your back.

Erin

Hat is the roof of clothing.

JPC

What? Erin, quick. We have to sell this. This summer. The hat. The roof of clothing. From Lids. Yeah, a guy comes into a Lids video and he's like, I got an idea. What about a hat?

00:44:50

Adal

They're like, where do you work, dumbass? I love something going into Home Depot and being like, can I get the new Detroit Tigers snapback? You guys sell roofing, right?

JPC

My house is fucking wet as a whistle. Can I get like a hat for the house? Do you guys sell those like a hat I can put on top of the house? I mean, I don't know. I'm your spitball over here. I've never done laundry before. I need a hat for my house. So it's close to roof. Yeah, roofing is part of it. That keeps the rain from off your back. Like roof, I think is, that's what they were trying to get you to think of. Top of a house.

Adal

Talk about the house to you. So we still haven't gotten it, but it's part of the roof. No, we still haven't gotten it. So we still haven't gotten it, right? So it's not roof, but roof is part of it and it's not house.

Erin

The glass was pretty good.

JPC

That keeps the rain from off your back. It does point to roof, but roof is not the answer.

Erin

A tent.

JPC

No, it is not something that is like a roof. That answer is pointing you to roof. That part of it is pointing you to roof. Dog house. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Better. When named, then find this riddle solved. Church. Not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black.

00:46:03

Adal

It's a church of a roof. It's a roof of a church.

Erin

Steeple.

JPC

Inside? There are other people. No, it is not a steeple. You've solved that fourth line, which is like roof is where it points, so I would move on to something else. Because you're kind of trying to triangulate the answer from the four clues. And one of the clues is if you get it, that's the name of the riddle. I see. Okay, okay. So what about when cleaned? When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Soul. Oh, soul. Soul cleaning. I don't want to rock around in circles. That's so coughing. Oh, damn it. Skin, no. Not skin, not soul.

Erin

This one's hard. It is very, it's tricky. Can you give us a hint?

JPC

Your sins absolved. I've kind of been trying to guide you in the right direction.

Erin

Yeah, but I'm dumb.

JPC

When cleaned. Full asylum.

Adal

Collective soul.

JPC

This is like a phrase. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Cleaned is the operative word. Cleaned is included in the phrase. Mop it up, my dude. Or I would say just clean.

00:47:07

Adal

Sweep, sweep. Clean, sweep.

JPC

Clean, sweep. It's not clean, sweep, but that's your... Window. From windows to the walls? This is fresh. You're starting fresh.

Erin

Rain.

JPC

No.

Adal

Clean, clean rain. Clean, first start, clean, mopping glows, sweeping glows, sweep, soul sweep.

JPC

Oh, oh, okay, okay. I'm going to add another line to this riddle, okay, because I found another word. Okay, here we go. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. When acting, you have to say... Your lines. Your name. Oh. I'm sorry. When auditioning, you have to say your name.

Erin

Slate.

JPC

Slate. Clean slate.

Erin

Clean slate.

JPC

Funny how you guys got the acting one immediately.

Erin

Here are my hands and I'm willing to shave.

JPC

Yeah, when cleaned, I'll shave my hands. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved like a clean slate. Your names your agents.

Adal

HBO said you almost got the part and then they saw a kernel fall out of your pants? I don't know what that means.

00:48:13

Erin

Fair enough. They deserve someone better for their project.

JPC

I don't know if that's a euphemism. White, not rain but hue, and a black slate is gray, slate gray, and that keeps the rain from off your back. Roofs are often made out of slate.

Adal

A gray slate roof? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Is that okay? Is that like a Game of Thrones character? Yes, a kingdom of gray slate roof.

JPC

Alright, here we go. You guys did a great job with that and that was very hard and I think you both deserve a patch on the back. I think you both deserve a patch on the back. Okay. New skin. Baby skin. I am grown, but am not leaf.

Adal

Grandpa.

JPC

I am ground, but am not beef. You may swallow me daily. And then Theo says to insert a cum joke here. Grandpa Chicken Pills. It's Grandpa Chicken Pills. It's coffee. It's coffee. I didn't even get to the last line. It's coffee. But you'll never use your teeth is the last line. Erin, we're going to see a quick scene. You're going to be going to your doctor's office. You just got some blood work done. Your doctor's going over your blood work with you. Adal, you're going to be the doctor and you're going to be recommending that she takes some grandpa chicken pills.

00:49:29

Erin

Okay. Just give me the news. Rip off the band-aid. I'm ready to hear it.

Adal

Do you want the news or do you want me to rip off the band-aid? Because that band-aid has been on there for, I want to say seven weeks.

Erin

Do both, do both, do both.

Adal

Okay, your skin has started to grow over it, much like bark will grow over it.

Erin

Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

Adal

Do you want the bad news?

Erin

Yes.

Adal

Okay, why don't you go ahead and have a seat right there in one of the comfy chairs? DJ Qualls was in a car accident last night.

Erin

They don't know if he's going to make it. Erin, wake up. Sorry, you told me to sit in the comfy chair.

Adal

DJ Qualls was in a car accident last night. Erin, wake up.

Erin

Yes. What do I have to take?

Adal

Well, I put your blood in a Petri dish and put it next to a button to see if I can do the work. And sadly your blood just kind of laid there, I guess is the medical term. So we do need to put you on some, this is the medical term. This is what they call it in the pharmacy.

00:50:35

Erin

Okay.

Adal

Chicken pills. Now, most people hem and haul when they hear this. They say, I don't want to be on no grandpa chicken pills. What am I, JP Riddles? We all know, of course, medical test subject, JP Riddles, who's in this tank of liquid behind me being in suspended animation. He is a wild card. Now he did name the pills, grandpa chicken pills, but for why he did that, I'd have to unfreeze. Yes.

Erin

And I mean, I would love to hear from him. I get a lot of flack for coming to a doctor that's under a highway bridge. And a lot of times they prove my point right, because you give me some crazy stuff. You and JP Riddle working together.

Adal

Can you just give me underpass? When you say under a highway bridge, I feel like an asshole. Can you just say underpass?

Erin

We're both right. Okay, yeah. I'd like to talk to this JP Riddle's character, please.

JPC

Okay, let me... Doctor, Doctor, we just got some news. You're not needed. Is it about DJ? It is. It was actually a misunderstanding. It was DJ Khaled. Oh, fuck it. Who fell, who fell down some rabbit, rapid quals. It was a water qual. He doesn't go down with his wife. He can die every day of the week. I'm just, I'm just letting you know DJ Qualls is fine. Okay. He's still, he's still being kept at a secret location. God, yes. But DJ Khaled did fall down a water qual. Great.

00:51:52

Erin

Tapping on the JP Riddle's glass. Hello!

JPC

JP Riddle's eyes shoot open.

Adal

Ghost white. Doctor backs out of the room and a metal door slams down behind him.

Erin

You're still in the room with me. Thank God you're still in the room with me.

Adal

Whoops, I accidentally had the door safe down behind him.

JPC

I'm No forks, no spoons, no raccoons, no like old trees, no like empty butter dishes, no skeleton wishes.

Adal

No forks, no spoons, no raccoons. I think they stole that from, I could be wrong because I haven't read every X-Men, but I think they stole that plot from Grant Morrison's Animal Man Thanks for Hey Riddle.

00:53:28

JPC

Look, I was never really a comic book kid, but I think like superheroes are fun and cool, but like the superheroes that are just like, oh, you're powers, you're like invincible or whatever. I'm like, this fucking, it's so boring to me. Yeah, I find Superman very boring. Yeah, Superman, very boring. I heard Black Adam was an absolute bomb, and spaghetti loves watching TV when we're not around. But if we just put on noise for her, and we put on Black Adam, and I was coming in and out of the room, and I was watching pieces of it, and I was like, man, who thought this was going to be a good idea? I guess his powers, he's just really powerful. There's so many powers. It's boring. It's boring to watch.

Erin

GPC, I'm a little upset. You will let your dog watch movies that you yourself wouldn't watch? Are you a monster?

JPC

She has really bad taste. She watches Seinfeld and like, look, there are some good Seinfeld episodes. She watches the problematic ones. And she likes them. I'm like, are you sure you want to watch like the cigar store episodes at the beginning? I'm like, this one did not age well. It wasn't even good when it was on. And she's like, no, I like it. Yeah. Hey, it's fucked. She watches the late night... Who's the guy that plays Kramer? Michael Richards? Michael Richards. She watches that Jerry Seinfeld Michael Richards apology all the time. Just truly, truly awful stuff. Truly awful stuff.

00:54:57

???

Wow.

JPC

Nevermind. Wow.

Erin

This is, again, it might be your fault. You're sort of her dad. I don't know how you... Yeah.

JPC

I control it, but it's her algorithm.

Adal

Does she watch the comedians in cars with coffee where Jerry Seinfeld tries to like sort of bring him back into the zeitgeist?

JPC

So much rehabilitation, so much rehabilitation for that guy. What does he have on you? We already know that you like dated a teenager or whatever, like what more, like what do you have? Where are the skeletons Jerry Seinfeld? Ugh, anyway, but do go watch that video because that video, that apology video is so bad, and there's one point, it's like a late night comedy show, and there's one point where someone starts to laugh at the audience, and Jerry Salvo goes, don't laugh, don't laugh, and it's like, don't laugh, bro, where are you right now?

Erin

That's so funny.

JPC

It always reminds me, I think this obviously hasn't aged well, but I remember when I was a kid there was a Carlos Mencia special and he ended it was like a Comedy Central special and he ended the special with he was like a lot of times comedians last joke of a special is like a big joke big laugh line but that's not really the way the world works so I'm not gonna do that today have a good night and he like left stage and I was like Where do you think you are? Like we're not out in the world. I'm not, I paid to be on a comedy show.

00:56:14

Adal

I'm not, I'm not just existing. I'm here for funny. Staying up comedy is pure escapism, please. He just ran out of, he just didn't have a joke. He didn't have a joke to steal. I have nothing, I couldn't steal anything funny enough to close out my set.

JPC

So let me try and be impactful. One last riddle from Theo, because much like people go to comedy shows to be entertained, people come to Riddle Podcasts to hear Riddle sometimes, so we'll do one. It's obviously not why people are here. Many seek me, but don't find me, though I live in many places, sleeping deep beneath the hills, but also on your faces. If a woman I'd be a Helen for my presence fosters wars, friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither sea nor pores. I'll say gotta be really hard to listen when you're talking, huh?

00:57:20

Adal

No, not at all. Troll sounded like one of them. Mole sounded like another one. Helen of Troy sounded like a third. Or Joan of Arc.

Erin

The last line is the one that fucks me up. I don't know what that means.

JPC

The last line I think is probably one of the more helpful. Friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither sea nor pores. Friend to chef, what is something that a chef and a mechanic both use? They're pallet. They're pallet. Yeah.

Erin

Blowtorch.

JPC

Yes, dude. Okay. I don't know. What does a mechanic need a blowtorch for?

Erin

When he's welding a car part to... Shut up. You shut up. Shut up you.

JPC

Is it a torch?

Erin

Shut up you.

JPC

Yeah. Sorry. We're going to need to weld your car together. Okay, uh, no, I'll go to whatever mechanic I just need to... You've got some creme brulee in the tailpipe, sure.

Erin

Okay, a spatula, idiot.

00:58:20

JPC

Mini, yeah, spatula would be good. Mini, seek me, but don't find me, though I live in many places. Uh, sleeping deep beneath the hills, but also on your faces. Another- another really- I bet there's- this is great. Mole, that's a mole. That- mole's not correct, no. Ugh. That's great. Why would you go seeking a mole?

Adal

Cuz, come on, if you are so lonely and you've done on dates with humans and skunks and dogs and cats and nothing's doing it, molds are famously, they're not known for their vision, right? You think if you whack one you're gonna get treasure?

???

Yeah.

Erin

Yeah. Just say it, bro. Just say it. This riddle is driving me insane.

JPC

If a woman would be Helen for my presence fosters wars, ignore that one. I think that one is too tricky. I think the friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither see nor pours. I come up behind a mole.

Adal

Come up behind a mole, it's facing the other way, looking at the sunset and I say, Don Familia says hello. Wack the mole, just whack the mole.

00:59:24

JPC

A friend to chef and mechanic, but to neither sea nor pours. So this is something that a chef and mechanic use, but something that you don't find on the sea and don't find in pours. They both use oil. Salt. The answer is oil.

Adal

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, under the hills.

Erin

I hope chefs and mechanics are not using the same oil. I'll tell you that much.

Adal

If a mechanic put avocado oil in my car, I would be so pissed, unless it ran better.

JPC

Yeah. Hey, your car, zero trans fats. That's pretty cool, huh?

Adal

Well, unless it's a Trans Am.

JPC

Trans fat Sams. Yes. All right. Well, hey, thank you Theo so much for those Riddles. We really, really enjoyed them and thank you. And it was really either nice to meet you or nice to get a letter from you. I don't remember which one it was. It was a long time ago. Okay. Well, that brings us to one of my favorite parts of the show. And that's the part where we just talk about anything that we would like to plug and hey, I'll throw it over to my friend Adal first. Adal, what would you like to plug?

01:00:29

Adal

I'd like to plug my brain from just a few minutes ago. I was so caught up on mole because chefs can make mole, and so my brain would not let go of that connection, and I was like, there's something there. So I was stubbornly, I was kicking and screaming, not wanting to let go of mole. So that's my reasoning. I'd also recommend, I haven't finished it yet, but I'm currently reading a book called Hollow Kingdom. Uh, which is very, very good. It's a post-apocalyptic, uh, post-apocalyptic book. Uh, and it's about a crow. JBC, you'll enjoy this. It's about a crow named, uh, Shit Turd. And, uh, in his exploits. So I highly recommend that. Not where I thought that was going, but I do love that. It's very funny. It's very enjoyable so far. I hope, I hope it sticks the landing cause I'm really enjoying it. And, uh, yeah, so check that out. Erin, anything to plug?

Erin

I'd like to plug to come D&D. Season two has ended and season three is going to start back up soon. I also want to plug Chillax Comedy. It's every Wednesday at seven at the Yard Theatre in Los Angeles. It's always run by Chicago comedians and it's a lot of fun. In next month's show, February show, a lot of wet bus will be in town. So a big group of us will be able to improvise together and it's going to be really special. So if you want to come to see that. And also, I was on Comedy Bang Bang recently. You don't have to listen to it, but if you wanted to, you can.

01:01:54

JPC

And you killed it. You were wonderful. Well, I don't want to set the precedent that you don't have to do the things that we plug. Everyone has to read that book, and everyone has to listen to it. Yeah, you're right. Never mind. What are you doing?

Erin

Sorry, sorry. You have to listen to it. Okay. JPC, can you read a review, please?

JPC

I would love to see if you want to get a five star review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Just go to Apple iTunes, leave us a five star review, and hey, I might pick it. For instance, I picked this one from Slug Dinkleman. Slug says, yeah, love it. Best show to listen to, especially if you're looking to get your weekly dose of the Howard Dean scream. Okay, so we got that queued up? Well, every time. Thank you so much, slug dinkle men. Hey, speaking of men that likes to dinkle, there's a whole planet out there where those dinkle men kind of congregate. Isn't that right, Erin?

Erin

That is right, JPC. Jupiter.

Adal

Bye forever.

Erin

Bye.

01:03:05

???

I'm going to run and pee because I have to pee pretty bad.

Adal

Erin, keep an eye out for any colonels.

Erin

I will. Like a hundred fallout of my panelists.

Adal

A hundred is such a funny number.

JPC

Sounds like a slot machine on loaded coins. Hey there, Colkins and Barrymores. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. Ever wondered what it was like to be a child actor? Well, we got the answers for you. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Clue for $5 a month or the Review Clue for $8 a month. See you there.

???

That was a hate gun podcast.