Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Okay. Oh, the Merkle fish.

It was the cat in an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream. And the horse was being prided.

Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding. Hear ye, hear ye. The international competition of- He's making it up.

He's making it up.

No, I farted, and then I was like, did people hear? Because I was ringing the bell loud, but the fart was pretty loud, so I lost confidence.

Why are you here? You stepped into the middle of the town square, started ringing your bell, and what are you talking about?

I'm gonna be put to death. I know I'm gonna be put to death after this because I have to this up so bad, and this is my third strike.

Well you're standing with stockades on you. They seem to be ripped from the ground, so clearly you were in stockades earlier today and just stood upright with such force that you...

I thought this is going to get me back. I thought this is going to get me back. I was like, this will put me back in the King's Good Graces. I will... Well then go on man, what have you to say?

What news do you bring?

It's a tournament, an international, and I know there's only like two nations.

Can I say, I don't want to fuck with tradition, but hear ye, hear ye. What are you getting? Listen up, listen up. Gather round, listen up. That's something.

The thing about ye is it's gender neutral. So it's like, hear ye, hear ye is much better than ladies and gentlemen.

Don't give him a note. He won't have time to take it. He's gonna get put to death soon.

Sorry, something about a tournament? Listen up. I mean, I like listen up, but it does feel a little like demanding. Like, hear ye hear ye is more like, this is a suggestion, not an order. Like, do you want to hear? I'm not telling you to listen. I'm like, maybe you should hear.

I'm gonna sit. It feels like we might be here a while.

Yeah, I'm gonna sit too. Just sitting in the mud? It's Town Square mud. You're sitting in that? It's an international... It's an international riddle competition. We're all of the best... I'm out. Good day. Good day for you. No. It's free, man. It's free to the public. Of course it's free. Come on. No one would pay to do riddles. I'm gonna get put to death. The king's gonna kill my ass for sure.

A message from the king. Any person this day forward who shall do riddles will be executed.

Man, I just got it. This king is wishy washy.

Sorry, I have to stop the podcast for one second. Something insane just happened to me. Sorry, is this your character? Yeah, we pause. We're going back to that.

Remember when we would do improv on stage and Erin would be like, okay everybody pause? I had something crazy.

I just heard a pop in my knee. And I need everyone to shut up.

So I put my hands down on my legs, right?

Sure, yeah.

And then I was like, what? There's something, I'm wearing leggings. I went to Pilates this morning wearing leggings, not to brag.

So far, nothing to stop a podcast over.

Exactly. But you'll see, Adal, I am so confident you're about to be on my side, you have no idea. Wow. I would bet in my life you're about to be on my side. And then I feel something in between my leggings and my leg and I go, I've been wearing these for 4 hours at this point.

Oh, got it. You got a sock in there.

No, you would think it's much smaller. I just pulled out. It's on my thigh. I don't eat popcorn anymore. A popcorn Colonel.

Anymore.

Well, I'm allergic to corn.

I don't buy or eat popcorn. Someone's trying to kill you. Erin, hold on. Someone's trying to kill you. They're putting kernels in your types.

Wait, Erin. Erin, is it in- it was in between your legging and your leg? A little kernel of popcorn?

Yes! What does it mean? Okay, now you understand why I had to stop the fun podcast? That's crazy. You guys, that's so weird.

Erin, here's what I will say.

What?

I get that this is alarming to you, but it is not surprising to me.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, can I say something? Does that make sense? Erin, you were so adamant I would be on your side. And honestly, I don't know if finding a piece of popcorn on your pants is worth stopping.

In my pants, Adal.

Serves up my guy 100%. Casey, thank you.

It was in her pants, but Erin, don't take this the wrong way. You are the type of person who I don't think it is unreasonable that you find a little popcorn in your pants.

Yeah, Erin, I think without being, Erin, I love you so much. I love you so much. Sometimes you just have to know who you are. You're the type of person, Erin, I love you so much. You're the type of person who would go to speak and suddenly realize they have a mouthful of tomato soup and it would just go everywhere and you'd be like, I totally forgot I had put some soup in my mouth this morning and I'd just been holding it in my mouth all day.

I don't know what you're talking about. I get compared to Grace Kelly all the time. I'm nothing but...

I do think that if you think this is rock bottom, I think some self-reflection has to be at play here because I gotta tell you, this is the top. You are soaring right now with a little piece of popcorn. You have said on the podcast how much worse it can get.

I can't breathe, I'm spinnin'.

I like it. I kind of thought you were like, I'm wearing tights. I went to Pilates. I looked down and put my hand on my, like I said, this feels weird. I'm not wearing tights. I have thought I've been wearing tights all morning and I am not wearing tights.

I think it's something where I could see Erin. Erin is in the back rooms of Harvard, in some wood-paneled room in the library. She's defending her dissertation for PhD. Yeah. And halfway through, she stops, she goes, I'm so sorry. Can we stop for a second? You're going to love this. I just found a cat hair in my hair. I've never owned a cat. And they say, please leave.

Erin, I have some theories, though.

I have some theories.

So with the popcorn, do you have your own washer and dryer, or do you have a washer and dryer that you share with other people in your building?

I have my own washer and dryer. It's the best part of my life.

My theory is out. Sorry, this theory no longer applies.

I truly think someone's trying to kill you. Or, Erin, as per last week's episode, or sorry, this is directed towards JPC, or JPC, as per last week's episode, Erin is slowly introducing things she's allergic to just by happenstance appearing because she's going to fake her own death.

Ooh, okay. Also, I've printed into last week's episode, it could be that Erin went to a movie, sat on a popcorn kernel. Oh, yeah. Then she came home, took her tights off backwards. Now it's inside. Didn't know her tights are on backwards today. Put on those same tights the other way. So really what she's doing is she's weighing her tights backwards with a popcorn to Colonel inside now.

Erin, I have a question that could be done. If it is, I want you to remain silent. I'm pretty well versed in biology. Could that have been an ovary? Pretty well. He's like a 75% almost there.

I got a 75% on my biology set.

I don't know much about anything.

Don't know much about nothing.

That seems too small for an ovary. It's certainly a popcorn colonel. It 100% was. And you know what? I regret saying anything. Because I thought I would have too... Okay, then hold on, hold on.

Wishy washy. Nobody says that about the king. You shall be beheaded now. Hey my guy, I was already getting executed, okay?

Sorry, back to my thing.

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle.

I texted Sean and I said, have you eaten popcorn this week? And he just texted back, no.

Okay.

Okay. It's a podcast about riddles. I am one of your hosts, JPC. With me, as always, my other co-hosts.

I am two of your hosts, Adal Rifai.

And I'm Erin Keif. And I shouldn't have said anything.

And she's having it all. And she's got it going on. And everything is fine.

Throw my leggings up into the air in a freeze frame. I'm having it all. I'm a glamorous woman.

She's gonna break it after crunch.

Yeah! Thank you, Casey. It's a mystery I'll never have solved. Sorry about that, everyone.

What is a riddle podcast if not a mystery podcast, Erin? I think that this is the perfect place for you to bring your little life mysteries.

Can I toss out there, maybe the biggest riddle of all, maybe Erin has done us a favor. Maybe she's given us a boon. Perhaps this episode is solely dedicated to solving Why the Colonel and the Leggings? One of life's greatest riddles.

A sad 31-year-old feels a bump between her leggings and her leg. That's how that riddle starts.

That feels like the start of one of those new type of medication commercials where they're introducing a medication to solve a problem that they're inventing.

Look, hey, as much as I would do that... Emerge Trampfiant.

As much as I do that we have like I think we have like four of these diet palindromes left that I you know I really just want to I really want to just burn through the last four of these now it will take us all episode to burn through these four diet palindrome riddles we all know that to be true yeah and I really like your beard right now by the way oh I think it's awesome Now, we are about to see each other in person, I believe, at our, I think this weekend, right? At our live show in San Francisco. Oh yeah, this Sunday in San Francisco?

Yeah. Not too well on it. Erin, could you run so fast the Colonel popped? And that might give us some answers. No, but what?

Have I sit in a hot tub, I think it will?

Or a sauna. Do you see we're going to see each other live? A hot tub, okay. Someone's a never nude. Yeah, you're gonna see this beard in person. I will say it's longer than I think it looks on camera. I'm close to getting rid of it.

In a couple years, if you let that go a couple years, you'll have a Rasputin beard, and then you'll finally be your truest self.

I did feel like I was like, maybe I'll just do a year. Maybe I'll see what I can do with a beard in a year, because I haven't really cut it at all. I kind of want to get that big-ass ZZ Top beard going.

Whoa, I can hear Mariah packing a suitcase. Wow.

To go on tour with you and your beard as it heats up. I would say that it's not her favorite thing, but I've had a beard the entire time that we've been together and for probably the last decade of my life. And what she has enjoyed is she has enjoyed braiding it because it is long enough now that you can, it can be braided. Maybe I'll do that for the live show. I'll throw some like Norse braids into my beard.

Is she taking requests?

Is she taking requests?

Yeah. You said she braids it.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, one time I picked, you know, you get to pick colors from your rubber bands. I didn't have anyone in my life being like, maybe don't get Christmas colors, you loon. Wow. And one time- You've had older sisters. No, they didn't care about me. Yeah, let me repeat, I had no one in my life. One time I got neon yellow. And that was just the month of my life. People would be like, what's wrong with your teeth? And I was like, one day everything's gonna work out great for me.

I'm gonna be- And Erin, how's that going?

I found popcorn in between my leggings and my legs today.

And she said one day, so she has like plenty of time, Adal. So, you know, it only has to be one day that things go right. Okay, okay.

All right, let's do these palindromes.

Diet palindromes. We all remember how these are played, and if we don't, then we're about to get them. So let's do this one. Here we go. Here's your first one. Celestial vermin. Celestial vermin. Now this is a word. It's star rats. Alright, I do want to see a scene. My favorite James Bond movie. I want to see a brief scene where there's a big crisis on Earth and we are a group of superheroes known as the Star Rats. People are expecting some Marvel heroes to show up and help out, but we're the Star Rats and we're here to help.

Oh god! That building, the building! The building is coming down! It's an earthquake! I see it. I'm Captain Eyes. Who is talking? Down here? I'm Captain Eyes. My one thing is I can see what's going on. I have like a 175 peripheral. I'm sorry? I'm Captain Eyes. Can you put me in your hand? Bend down and put me in my hand.

Never fear, the Star Rats are here.

According to my rat sensors, that building's coming down.

I'm sorry, what is going on? Sorry, we're the Star Rats. We each have a power and we each have a little catchphrase. Let me scoop you up, get you all up here, okay?

Wait, my pizza, my pizza, my pizza.

Oh, our tails are tied together. Oh no. Okay, okay. Oh fuck, we're gonna die like this.

No, no, it's fine, I can hear. Let me just, oh god, they're so slimy. I'll untie these, I'll pick up your pizza. So you're the star rats?

Mm-hmm.

Don't say it backwards. Or you might accidentally say... Oh, star rats, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well... And bite your thumb? Ow! What the fuck?

We're the Star Rats.

According to my sensors, his thumb just got bit. Yeah, I saw the whole thing.

Up the building came down.

Yeah, the building came down. The fucking building came down. Yeah, it stinks.

Well, back to the sewers, boys.

What? Tell your friends. Tell them what? Tell them the Star Rats helped.

According to my sensors, it's time to go.

He's being censored. He said a lot of bad things.

It's so woke nowadays.

Nobody wants, nobody lets you just say what we're all thinking. We gotta go. We gotta head out.

That was the star rats. Okay, here's your next one. Here's your next one. Liquid predator moves. Liquid predator moves.

Liquid predator moves. Okay, this is tough. Is this three words or two words? It is two words. It's just two words. I mean, stock is how a predator moves. Okay. But I can't think of what stock would be backwards that's...

I think that, I think, I think the way that this is worded with it being three words is a little confusing, but I think it's like liquid moves goes together and predator goes, it's like liquid predator moves, but it's not like a predator move, it's liquid move.

Can I say once? I was in Pittsburgh and I ran into predator on the dance floor to rave and he had those, you know those glow stick that go through your fingers that weave in and out? And he was on, clearly on Molly, and he was just like doing all these like glow sticks and he had the gloves with the lights on them. It was good for him. Yeah, he was losing his mind.

Honestly, a guy like that needs a vacation, okay? Yeah.

All he does is pred- pred- pred- preditate. All he does is preditate. All he does is preditate. You know, famously Jean-Claude Van Damme was the original predator, and he was in that suit, and then he was like, this suit fucking sucks, and he like walked off set, and then they got someone who was like seven foot two, and they're like, this is much better.

Is that true?

It makes sense, and it always feels like when you're like a face, you know, to be like, oh yeah, let me just put on a costume where you can't see my face at all. Can you imagine if Fredder was like 5'2", just like a little guy? Just like a little guy? Honestly, maybe yeah, because like the predator going up against like, you know, all those like big muscle bound dudes and he's just like a little, a little, little guy, like just jumping around. That's actually pretty cool.

Um, liquid predator moves. Liquid predator moves.

So it's not swim? Erin, what would the- Slosh? What's swim backwards? Swin backwards. Because it has to be the other word backwards.

Yeah, but it's something like swim.

Well, it's a word. Wade?

It's not Wade.

It's not Wade.

What else can you do in the water? You can wade, you can swim, you can... You can wade. You can splash.

You can slash, you can splash. Apex Zippa? Apex Zippa. It is not Apex Zippa. It is a specific type of predator. So if you got bear, wolf, adult, wolf,

Flunt?

Wolf?

Love? Flow? Wolf? Flow? Holy shit, that's a great DJ name. Oh, I'd like to see Wolf.

We're just, there's no bad ideas at Brave Story. It is Wolf? Flow? Erin?

JPC, you are a groom at a wedding. Adal, you are Wolf? Flow, the DJ. And JPC, you have a bone to pick with him about the music that he's playing at this wedding.

All right, this is DJ. Wolf Flow. And we're going to play another song about the moon. This is Van Morrison's moon dance, I want to say.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why don't we actually, you know what, guys, we're going to take a little five minute break. Everyone's been going at it pretty hard and we're going to be right back in five minutes. DJ Wolf Flow.

Yeah.

Hey, what the fuck? You gotta stop playing Van Morrison.

You just fucking busted my wolf flow, dude. Stop playing Van Morrison? The Irish Elvis?

Are you kidding me? Lower your voice. Lower your voice. I know you were only $50. Are you kidding me? No, not just the volume. You don't have to lower like the timbre of your voice.

Well, you're talking to an audio engineer, so you need to be specific.

DJ Woolfel, we sent you a list of songs that we wanted you to play, and so far... This is Lie in the Family Stone? Yeah, hey y'all. We're trying to have a very classic wedding experience. Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.

Hey, nobody knows it, but when the eighth or ninth Van Morrison song kicks in, everybody gets on the dance floor. Now, you do have to be patient. It is a slow burn. I'm not gonna lie.

Look, we only, I mean, I think people are only familiar with maybe like the one Van Morrison song.

And I need to apologize. Yeah. I should have read the room and realized this was not the type of wedding where during Brown Eye Girl, every time he says Brown Eye, I yell butthole. I thought that would be fun and funny, but I got a lot of evil eyes.

I'll be honest with you. I don't even think people would have heard it if you hadn't cut the music out to yell it.

Hey, it's very alarming. Honey, can I make a request from the DJ?

Absolutely, Michelle. Anything you want. I'm trying to take care of this, but yes, anything you want.

Oh no. First of all, love everything so far. DJ Knows Best.

Oh, let me write that down in case I ever get offered a sitcom deal from TV land. What Van Morrison song did you want to hear?

It's on a Van Morrison song, but can I hear werewolves of London?

Ooh, did Van Morrison ever cover words, Yvonne?

No.

I am seeing a sign of Michelle that I have never seen before, and it is kind of concerning to me. Kind of concerning. It's your day, she said to you. Hey Riddle.

Just why don't you just play whatever you feel like playing. You know, we only have four hours of the wedding left. So, you know, knock yourself out. No one's having a good time, but I can see that this whole thing was kind of a mistake anyway.

Well, I could break my own code and maybe I'll, here's what I'll do. Hey, hey, it's DJ Wolfflow. And we're going to get everyone on the dance floor with a little Nick Drake. Who's the guy who sings Pink Moon? I think it's Nick Drake. Hey everybody, I'm on a dance floor.

Don't you have a computer in front of you?

No, he doesn't.

There is no computer. It's got two Van Morrison CDs. That guy sounds awesome.

It's like Nick Drake who sings Pink Moon. What's Pink Moon? It's like the slowest song in the history of music. It's a very beautiful song, but it's very, very slow.

I know Blue Moon and I know Moon River. I feel like Moon Dance is a song that was on the radio when I was a kid on the classic rock radio stations. I honestly don't think my dad was a Van Morrison guy. I think my mom may have been more into Van Morrison.

I was not a Van Morrison song until I saw Martin Scorsese's documentary, The Last Waltz, and then you see him. He's in a velvet maroon jumpsuit doing karate high kicks, and he's coked out of his gourd. And the minute I saw that film, I was like, I'm a Van Morrison fan.

And now you're a Van Morrison song?

Wow.

I thought you were a human man.

Alright, Patreon idea. We take the what Van Morrison song, Quiz Are You, Quiz Quiz, BuzzFeed.

What? How?

Have I told you that Little Old Lady got mutilated late last night as one of my favorite lyrics of all time?

And you're saying that out loud to people?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, one of my favorite lyrics to start off a rock song is lives. Her plus inter falls to the floor. How you go out there on stage and you sing that line is beyond me.

Her presenter hits the floor. They also had a song about dolphins crying, which is pretty wild.

Lightning Crashes, Dolphins Crying, all of their songs they're like... Shit Town was one of them. Down verbs. Wolf flow. Okay, here we go. We only have two more of these diet pal and drums left. Two more. Okay. Friend that sits on you.

This is a friend that sits on you.

I'm sorry?

Phoebe Neeby. Monica Annamuk. Chandler Wood. A friend that sits on you. A friend who sits on you. Pow lap. Lap pow.

It is a lap pow.

Okay. JPC, you are, you wake up one morning and you have grown on your lap, you have grown on your lap a lap pow. Got it. It's just like a growth that talks to you that's in the shape of a human friend.

Good morning. Time to make a doctor's appointment. I'm not supposed to be here.

Oh no. Am I still asleep? Am I still dreaming?

No. No.

Call your doctor. What are you?

I'm not entirely sure. I just know that I'm not supposed to be here. You haven't been taking good care of yourself. You got to clean your sheets more. You got to go to the doctor.

What do you mean clean my sheets? How do you clean sheets?

Ew, what? What do you mean how do you clean sheets? Have you never cleaned your sheets?

I'd get my bed soaking wet if I tried to clean these. Like with a sponge?

You think that you're... Oh my god. You're cleaning it while it's still on the bed?

No, I'm not doing that. Because I know if the bed gets wet because I've had a bed get wet before, it's ruined. It starts to grow like mold and stuff in there.

Why? Why did your bed get wet?

I was so, I totally misunderstood what a waterbed was.

Oh God.

Cause it's a specific type of bed. It's not just any bed covered in water.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're supposed to take the sheets off, put them in the laundry.

The what?

Okay. This is worse than I thought. I'm dialing. Here's your, okay. It's ringing.

Oh wow. You have a little phone. You have a little phone down there.

It's really cute. Call your doctor.

Go for Dr. Demento. Hey, I have a request. Oh, you want to hear fish heads?

I want to hear fish heads again, please.

You got it. And who should I say requested?

What's your name? Lapel.

That's it. Lapel?

Lapel. No, I'm requesting Jeremy. I'm requesting. This is for Lapel.

You want to hear Pearl Jam's Jeremy on Dr. Demento? You realize what I do here, kid, right?

Do you have a Jeremy, like, you know, parody song? Novelty song? Yeah, like a novelty for Jeremy.

Maybe. Yeah, we can figure. Oh, yep, I'm looking on the computer here. And we do have the Budweiser frogs did a acapella version of Jeremy.

No, I'm not. I'm less looking for like an interpolation and more like a parody, I guess. What did I say? Well, you said the Budweiser frogs did an acapella version.

You don't think the Budweiser frogs croaking an acapella version of Pearl Jam's Jeremy is fitting for Dr. Demento?

I just don't necessarily know that it's a parody, right? Like, isn't the thing with a parody that the lyrics have to change? It has to be like, are the, are the frogs doing like a thing of like, Budweiser, Spoken, or anything like that?

No, they, it's, one says Jer, the other one says me, the third says Spoken. So it's Jer, me, Spoken.

I'm getting another fight on air with Dr. Demento. This happens almost every day. Seed. All right, here's your last one. Your last one. And then we will take a little break. I think you guys are going to get this really fast.

I say big an asshole.

Okay. This one is Pop-Up Atlas. Pop-Up Atlas. Pop-Up Atlas. Erin, it's not map, but it's almost map. No, no, no. Map is three of the four letters. Maps. Maps. Map spam.

They don't love you like I love you. Maps. Spam. Spam. Spam.

Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam.

Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam.

Spam. Spam. Yeah, yeah, yeahs. Yeah, yeah, yeahs. The yeah, yeah, yeahs could have done spam. And don't eat it like it's salty. This is Dr. Demento. Do you have a song?

Dr. Demento, don't hang up.

It's Jeremy again. It's Jeremy again.

Clona again.

We will be back. We will be back with more, well, will there be more Riddles? Probably, after a brief break.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run.

Run.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Erin, not to dwell on this, but definitely to dwell on this. Where on your leg was the Colonel found? Was it on the thigh is my question?

Exactly. Yeah. It was right between like halfway point between knee and hip.

Okay. So here's what I'm thinking during the break. I did a little bit of investigating in my mind palace and a Colonel on your thigh. Where can you get a thigh? And it includes a Colonel KFC. You're supposed to go to KFC. Is there KFC near where you live? I hope not. Go there you're gonna find the next answer.

That's something I don't want to know about myself.

Yeah, I don't want to know. I actually never tell me.

You're being led on a scavenger hunt. I learned there was a Jimmy John's new where I lived and that fucked me over. It completely fucked me up.

Yeah, it's kicked my wallet in a fucking nut. So good.

I'm going to need to journal about the fact that I thought everyone would gasp and be like, oh my gosh, it's so crazy that you found a little bit of popcorn under your pants. Instead, you guys were like, yep. Okay, it's a Monday, you found popcorn in your pants.

Erin, I know that this sucks to hear, but on the other side, it is sometimes kind of exciting to be like, I do have something to talk about in therapy this week. I have so often so often I'm like oh yeah like what do I talk about I guess I'll just start talking and something will come out but this one gets like hey clear your schedule for the next hour I have the topic.

Yeah I think finding I was I wasn't expecting just food in your legging like if it if I had put on a condom and found like a small bird or something that's wild.

I always sort of beat myself up because I feel like I'm a very spacey person and I'm not like totally with it all the time in reality and I went to Pilates and Pilates is all about like being aware of your body and getting into your body. How did I not notice a popcorn Colonel? The entire time, I was like staring at my legs. Ugh, doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry. Me, I'm sorry.

You lose the forest for the trees, Erin. It's very believable that you could just kind of miss that small detail.

Yeah. It's hard though, but anyway. It's hard, no. Riddles.

Hey man, I agree. It's fucked.

What did you do? Did you throw away the Colonel? Let's hope not.

No, I mean, I did something.

You might need fingerprints off that.

You know when you're like sort of- You tasted it? No. You know when you're in a moment of like sort of being stunned? Like where you just are sort of numb and like scared?

So I looked at it in my hand when we were doing a little bit of- Go ahead and just assume that all of the things that happen in your mind do not happen in our minds so we will need you to walk us through the process. Don't say like, you know when, because I don't. I actually don't.

When you're an Erin and you're in a state of shock, I was sort of staring at it and I was listening to you guys being like, boop, boop, boop, I'm going to get it. And I was like, huh, OK, this is a popcorn kernel. And then in a sort of sense of like shame, I just sort of let it drop to the ground. And I'm not a litterer, especially not in my own home, because I'm on the set eventually. But I was like, I had so much, it's like a shameful thing to find a little bit of popcorn in between leggings in your legs. So I just sort of let it drop to the ground. And I almost as if I was in the same room as you guys, I was like, they're not going to notice you. And then I was like, I actually do feel scared enough that I'm distracted and they're going to sense my distraction. So I should be honest. But that was a mistake. Yeah.

Erin, I'll tell you, there was a time, this is maybe a few years ago, and I was like out all day and I came home and I sat down in like my computer chair and then when I got up I like saw that there was like a dark smudge on my computer chair. I was like what the fuck? And then I looked at like the back of my pants and there was like a dark smudge on my pants and I was like what is this chocolate? And like I tasted it. Oh no, no. Yeah, but the first thing that I did, the first, I didn't smell it first. The first thing I did was taste it, because my brain said, is this chocolate? When did I sit in chocolate?

You should never trust yourself again. I'm serious.

After I did that, and it was chocolate, I was like, 100% this could have been poop. Like, why did I ever assume it was chocolate?

I would like hire a full-time chaperone for myself if I did that. I'd go, I actually, I cannot be trusted on my own.

Yeah, I gotta say brother, that's the biggest fucking roll of the die I've ever heard of in the personal life. Wild.

I said Jesus take the wheel. I'm gonna check to see if this is chocolate. The worst way that you can with taste. And the thing was, I must have sat on chocolate on the train or something, because I was like, I don't have any chocolate in the house. It ain't mine. If that was poop, I'm going to find the guy who shit that, because I will be eating your poop.

Here's what I think happened. Either somebody has sweet, sweet poop, or it was absolutely trained shit, and your brain tried to immediately, your brain was like,

My brain deleted it. I deleted all the information of the sensory thing. He was like, chocolate.

My dude, I don't know what you're doing. I'm going to send you a signal that that's chocolate.

So we can move on and never dwell on this again. Do you think that if poop in general tasted like chocolate, I think that people would eat it. I don't think anyone would talk about it. I think that it would be like one of those things that you just don't break up and play a conversation.

I know you guys can hear me typing, but I'm on LinkedIn trying to find a new podcast to join.

Good luck, Erin. They don't have fun like this on the fucking daily, okay? They don't talk about what if boot port chocolate on the daily.

Fun like this, huh? When you look at someone's LinkedIn, I think that they show you get sent the most recent emails that went to your LinkedIn. So if you're looking up an X on LinkedIn, they know.

Oh yeah. LinkedIn is pretty fucked up. Don't go on LinkedIn. Let's all stick to the social media sites that we know and love. Like Twitter. Like Mastodon and BAB. And Patriot front storm or whatever. Oh, those are the ones I'm on. Hey, those last riddles that I forgot to mention again. I've mentioned it three times. We're from Tim. Thank you so much, Tim. These riddles are from Theo. I don't know when Theo gave me these riddles, but they gave them to me. They handed them to me in person. So I'm assuming it was at one of our live shows from a long time ago. They also wrote a very, very nice note. But then they provided some riddles and they said that they made them with love. Isn't that fun? Oh, you know what? Maybe I've never met Theo and they mailed these to us as well. That's also a possibility.

Theo, let us know.

Let us know.

Anything new in the mailbox? Hey, you know what? That's actually a great thing. I was going to bring that up. We got a ton of Christmas cards. A lot of people send us their Christmas and holiday cards. I put them up on my downstairs fridge for the holiday season. So thank you to everyone who sent us those cards. And please, if you have riddles that you'd like to send us, riddle books, wedding invitations, we will always take those wedding invitations. One day, one day we'll come.

Keys to safety deposit boxes. You can send us anything you want.

Yeah, get in that mailing address is 6351 West Montrose Ave, number 267, Chicago, Illinois 60634. Make it out to Hey Riddle Riddle, and then we will go and pick those up.

And don't send us loose chocolate.

No, it's going to be very tempting to send us little boxes of chocolate or poop and make us play that on a Patreon one day, but guess what? I'm not going to be fool me once. Shame on me. Fool me twice. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame.

Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame Not a moral absolutist, but my crimes are black and white. I pass my day in slumber and go traveling at night. You will see me more than hear me, but should you be too dense, aside from sight and sound, I will assault another sense.

Is it old time in these programs?

No, I quit my answer and I support Adal's answer.

It's like Edward R. Morrow TV.

It is a skunk. Theo also included some little notes next to the Riddle clues. Like, they're nocturnal and they make very few sounds. And then my favorite one, which is just stinky with two exclamation points.

They definitely say if you remove the stink gland or wherever the spray is produced that they make better pets than dogs, even.

That can't be real. I've met one person in my life who had a pet skunk and it was not very well behaved because I think it was like, I don't know it. Are they even domesticated? I think they're wild.

I don't know why I imagined When you said they weren't well behaved I imagine them like drinking Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi and like gaming and yelling at their mom I don't know why I pictured them as like a misbehaving child and not a misbehaving animal

I was in college and I was at a party and I think and I could be misremembering this because it could have been the person who had the skunks placed that I was at because I didn't know any of I didn't know like where I was I wasn't like familiar this was like a friend's house but I think it was a person who had a pet skunk that brought it to someone else's party and it was just running around and I was like no you can't do this like it didn't have a stink gland but it was like still like you could just like bring a skunk into someone's apartment.

That's a wild fucking move.

You guys have never been sprayed right?

Never been sprayed.

My car's been sprayed. Yeah, teens tagged your car.

That's not really what I'm talking about. tomato juice or something? Is that what you get it out with, Erin?

I think you soak a popcorn kernel in your legs. That's how you get rid of this.

No, I've never been sprayed. I'm basically a queen who's very classy. Everything's gone right for me in my life.

Hey Riddle.

We had my, when I was in my last apartment, our landlord who lived upstairs in our like mutual backyard, their dog got sprayed. Our dog was in the house luckily. And that dog, I mean, it gets on that fur and there's, I mean, it's, your dog is fucked. Like, I think they had to like cut some of the fur off the dog because of just how strong the stink was. How deep it got.

It is fascinating to me. Skunks have this spray ability. You think of like porcupines can like shoot their quills armadillos can roll up into a little armored ball turtles have like this huge like the animal kingdom has like superpowers and then you think of us and we're just like soft Soft bellied things that just like run in terror from everything.

We got nothing. We invented music. I don't know. We mostly caused harm. The birds are here.

The birds. We just copied the birds.

An elephant, an elephant like uses his truck to like roll up some music on a music stand and just throw it away. Like humans are never going to fucking hear it. So why play it? Alright, let's do another one of Theo's riddles, okay? When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. Not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black, that keeps the rain from off your back. Umbrella. Wow, I like this one. This is fun.

Umbrella, window, car, tree... Can you read it one more time?

No, unfortunately Adal got an umbrella window car tree. This is an only connect Riddle. I was trying to try to give you a little misdirect there. Yeah, one more time. Here we go. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. The addendum on that one is that's just how riddles work, which I think is fun because that's a nothing line, but it rhymes, so it's part of it. Uh, not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black. That keeps the rain from off your back.

So is it clear? If it's not white, rainbow hue, or black, I would think like a pane of glass or something?

I love that. I love where you're thinking with glass and it's not glass. No. I mean, that's close. That keeps the ring from off your back.

Hat is the roof of clothing.

What? Erin, quick. We have to sell this. This summer. The hat. The roof of clothing. From Lids. Yeah, a guy comes into a Lids video and he's like, I got an idea. What about a hat?

They're like, where do you work, dumbass? I love something going into Home Depot and being like, can I get the new Detroit Tigers snapback? You guys sell roofing, right?

My house is fucking wet as a whistle. Can I get like a hat for the house? Do you guys sell those like a hat I can put on top of the house? I mean, I don't know. I'm your spitball over here. I've never done laundry before. I need a hat for my house. So it's close to roof. Yeah, roofing is part of it. That keeps the rain from off your back. Like roof, I think is, that's what they were trying to get you to think of. Top of a house.

Talk about the house to you. So we still haven't gotten it, but it's part of the roof. No, we still haven't gotten it. So we still haven't gotten it, right? So it's not roof, but roof is part of it and it's not house.

The glass was pretty good.

That keeps the rain from off your back. It does point to roof, but roof is not the answer.

A tent.

No, it is not something that is like a roof. That answer is pointing you to roof. That part of it is pointing you to roof. Dog house. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Better. When named, then find this riddle solved. Church. Not white, nor rainbow hue, nor black.

It's a church of a roof. It's a roof of a church.

Steeple.

Inside? There are other people. No, it is not a steeple. You've solved that fourth line, which is like roof is where it points, so I would move on to something else. Because you're kind of trying to triangulate the answer from the four clues. And one of the clues is if you get it, that's the name of the riddle. I see. Okay, okay. So what about when cleaned? When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Soul. Oh, soul. Soul cleaning. I don't want to rock around in circles. That's so coughing. Oh, damn it. Skin, no. Not skin, not soul.

This one's hard. It is very, it's tricky. Can you give us a hint?

Your sins absolved. I've kind of been trying to guide you in the right direction.

Yeah, but I'm dumb.

When cleaned. Full asylum.

Collective soul.

This is like a phrase. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. Cleaned is the operative word. Cleaned is included in the phrase. Mop it up, my dude. Or I would say just clean.

Sweep, sweep. Clean, sweep.

Clean, sweep. It's not clean, sweep, but that's your... Window. From windows to the walls? This is fresh. You're starting fresh.

Rain.

No.

Clean, clean rain. Clean, first start, clean, mopping glows, sweeping glows, sweep, soul sweep.

Oh, oh, okay, okay. I'm going to add another line to this riddle, okay, because I found another word. Okay, here we go. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved. When named, then find this riddle solved. When acting, you have to say... Your lines. Your name. Oh. I'm sorry. When auditioning, you have to say your name.

Slate.

Slate. Clean slate.

Clean slate.

Funny how you guys got the acting one immediately.

Here are my hands and I'm willing to shave.

Yeah, when cleaned, I'll shave my hands. When cleaned, then find your sins absolved like a clean slate. Your names your agents.

HBO said you almost got the part and then they saw a kernel fall out of your pants? I don't know what that means.

Fair enough. They deserve someone better for their project.

I don't know if that's a euphemism. White, not rain but hue, and a black slate is gray, slate gray, and that keeps the rain from off your back. Roofs are often made out of slate.

A gray slate roof? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Is that okay? Is that like a Game of Thrones character? Yes, a kingdom of gray slate roof.

Alright, here we go. You guys did a great job with that and that was very hard and I think you both deserve a patch on the back. I think you both deserve a patch on the back. Okay. New skin. Baby skin. I am grown, but am not leaf.

Grandpa.

I am ground, but am not beef. You may swallow me daily. And then Theo says to insert a cum joke here. Grandpa Chicken Pills. It's Grandpa Chicken Pills. It's coffee. It's coffee. I didn't even get to the last line. It's coffee. But you'll never use your teeth is the last line. Erin, we're going to see a quick scene. You're going to be going to your doctor's office. You just got some blood work done. Your doctor's going over your blood work with you. Adal, you're going to be the doctor and you're going to be recommending that she takes some grandpa chicken pills.

Okay. Just give me the news. Rip off the band-aid. I'm ready to hear it.

Do you want the news or do you want me to rip off the band-aid? Because that band-aid has been on there for, I want to say seven weeks.

Do both, do both, do both.

Okay, your skin has started to grow over it, much like bark will grow over it.

Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

Do you want the bad news?

Yes.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and have a seat right there in one of the comfy chairs? DJ Qualls was in a car accident last night.

They don't know if he's going to make it. Erin, wake up. Sorry, you told me to sit in the comfy chair.

DJ Qualls was in a car accident last night. Erin, wake up.

Yes. What do I have to take?

Well, I put your blood in a Petri dish and put it next to a button to see if I can do the work. And sadly your blood just kind of laid there, I guess is the medical term. So we do need to put you on some, this is the medical term. This is what they call it in the pharmacy.

Okay.

Chicken pills. Now, most people hem and haul when they hear this. They say, I don't want to be on no grandpa chicken pills. What am I, JP Riddles? We all know, of course, medical test subject, JP Riddles, who's in this tank of liquid behind me being in suspended animation. He is a wild card. Now he did name the pills, grandpa chicken pills, but for why he did that, I'd have to unfreeze. Yes.

And I mean, I would love to hear from him. I get a lot of flack for coming to a doctor that's under a highway bridge. And a lot of times they prove my point right, because you give me some crazy stuff. You and JP Riddle working together.

Can you just give me underpass? When you say under a highway bridge, I feel like an asshole. Can you just say underpass?

We're both right. Okay, yeah. I'd like to talk to this JP Riddle's character, please.

Okay, let me... Doctor, Doctor, we just got some news. You're not needed. Is it about DJ? It is. It was actually a misunderstanding. It was DJ Khaled. Oh, fuck it. Who fell, who fell down some rabbit, rapid quals. It was a water qual. He doesn't go down with his wife. He can die every day of the week. I'm just, I'm just letting you know DJ Qualls is fine. Okay. He's still, he's still being kept at a secret location. God, yes. But DJ Khaled did fall down a water qual. Great.

Tapping on the JP Riddle's glass. Hello!

JP Riddle's eyes shoot open.

Ghost white. Doctor backs out of the room and a metal door slams down behind him.

You're still in the room with me. Thank God you're still in the room with me.

Whoops, I accidentally had the door safe down behind him.

I'm No forks, no spoons, no raccoons, no like old trees, no like empty butter dishes, no skeleton wishes.

No forks, no spoons, no raccoons. I think they stole that from, I could be wrong because I haven't read every X-Men, but I think they stole that plot from Grant Morrison's Animal Man Thanks for Hey Riddle.

Look, I was never really a comic book kid, but I think like superheroes are fun and cool, but like the superheroes that are just like, oh, you're powers, you're like invincible or whatever. I'm like, this fucking, it's so boring to me. Yeah, I find Superman very boring. Yeah, Superman, very boring. I heard Black Adam was an absolute bomb, and spaghetti loves watching TV when we're not around. But if we just put on noise for her, and we put on Black Adam, and I was coming in and out of the room, and I was watching pieces of it, and I was like, man, who thought this was going to be a good idea? I guess his powers, he's just really powerful. There's so many powers. It's boring. It's boring to watch.

GPC, I'm a little upset. You will let your dog watch movies that you yourself wouldn't watch? Are you a monster?

She has really bad taste. She watches Seinfeld and like, look, there are some good Seinfeld episodes. She watches the problematic ones. And she likes them. I'm like, are you sure you want to watch like the cigar store episodes at the beginning? I'm like, this one did not age well. It wasn't even good when it was on. And she's like, no, I like it. Yeah. Hey, it's fucked. She watches the late night... Who's the guy that plays Kramer? Michael Richards? Michael Richards. She watches that Jerry Seinfeld Michael Richards apology all the time. Just truly, truly awful stuff. Truly awful stuff.

Wow.

Nevermind. Wow.

This is, again, it might be your fault. You're sort of her dad. I don't know how you... Yeah.

I control it, but it's her algorithm.

Does she watch the comedians in cars with coffee where Jerry Seinfeld tries to like sort of bring him back into the zeitgeist?

So much rehabilitation, so much rehabilitation for that guy. What does he have on you? We already know that you like dated a teenager or whatever, like what more, like what do you have? Where are the skeletons Jerry Seinfeld? Ugh, anyway, but do go watch that video because that video, that apology video is so bad, and there's one point, it's like a late night comedy show, and there's one point where someone starts to laugh at the audience, and Jerry Salvo goes, don't laugh, don't laugh, and it's like, don't laugh, bro, where are you right now?

That's so funny.

It always reminds me, I think this obviously hasn't aged well, but I remember when I was a kid there was a Carlos Mencia special and he ended it was like a Comedy Central special and he ended the special with he was like a lot of times comedians last joke of a special is like a big joke big laugh line but that's not really the way the world works so I'm not gonna do that today have a good night and he like left stage and I was like Where do you think you are? Like we're not out in the world. I'm not, I paid to be on a comedy show.

I'm not, I'm not just existing. I'm here for funny. Staying up comedy is pure escapism, please. He just ran out of, he just didn't have a joke. He didn't have a joke to steal. I have nothing, I couldn't steal anything funny enough to close out my set.

So let me try and be impactful. One last riddle from Theo, because much like people go to comedy shows to be entertained, people come to Riddle Podcasts to hear Riddle sometimes, so we'll do one. It's obviously not why people are here. Many seek me, but don't find me, though I live in many places, sleeping deep beneath the hills, but also on your faces. If a woman I'd be a Helen for my presence fosters wars, friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither sea nor pores. I'll say gotta be really hard to listen when you're talking, huh?

No, not at all. Troll sounded like one of them. Mole sounded like another one. Helen of Troy sounded like a third. Or Joan of Arc.

The last line is the one that fucks me up. I don't know what that means.

The last line I think is probably one of the more helpful. Friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither sea nor pores. Friend to chef, what is something that a chef and a mechanic both use? They're pallet. They're pallet. Yeah.

Blowtorch.

Yes, dude. Okay. I don't know. What does a mechanic need a blowtorch for?

When he's welding a car part to... Shut up. You shut up. Shut up you.

Is it a torch?

Shut up you.

Yeah. Sorry. We're going to need to weld your car together. Okay, uh, no, I'll go to whatever mechanic I just need to... You've got some creme brulee in the tailpipe, sure.

Okay, a spatula, idiot.

Mini, yeah, spatula would be good. Mini, seek me, but don't find me, though I live in many places. Uh, sleeping deep beneath the hills, but also on your faces. Another- another really- I bet there's- this is great. Mole, that's a mole. That- mole's not correct, no. Ugh. That's great. Why would you go seeking a mole?

Cuz, come on, if you are so lonely and you've done on dates with humans and skunks and dogs and cats and nothing's doing it, molds are famously, they're not known for their vision, right? You think if you whack one you're gonna get treasure?

Yeah.

Yeah. Just say it, bro. Just say it. This riddle is driving me insane.

If a woman would be Helen for my presence fosters wars, ignore that one. I think that one is too tricky. I think the friend to chef and to mechanic, but to neither see nor pours. I come up behind a mole.

Come up behind a mole, it's facing the other way, looking at the sunset and I say, Don Familia says hello. Wack the mole, just whack the mole.

A friend to chef and mechanic, but to neither sea nor pours. So this is something that a chef and mechanic use, but something that you don't find on the sea and don't find in pours. They both use oil. Salt. The answer is oil.

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, under the hills.

I hope chefs and mechanics are not using the same oil. I'll tell you that much.

If a mechanic put avocado oil in my car, I would be so pissed, unless it ran better.

Yeah. Hey, your car, zero trans fats. That's pretty cool, huh?

Well, unless it's a Trans Am.

Trans fat Sams. Yes. All right. Well, hey, thank you Theo so much for those Riddles. We really, really enjoyed them and thank you. And it was really either nice to meet you or nice to get a letter from you. I don't remember which one it was. It was a long time ago. Okay. Well, that brings us to one of my favorite parts of the show. And that's the part where we just talk about anything that we would like to plug and hey, I'll throw it over to my friend Adal first. Adal, what would you like to plug?

I'd like to plug my brain from just a few minutes ago. I was so caught up on mole because chefs can make mole, and so my brain would not let go of that connection, and I was like, there's something there. So I was stubbornly, I was kicking and screaming, not wanting to let go of mole. So that's my reasoning. I'd also recommend, I haven't finished it yet, but I'm currently reading a book called Hollow Kingdom. Uh, which is very, very good. It's a post-apocalyptic, uh, post-apocalyptic book. Uh, and it's about a crow. JBC, you'll enjoy this. It's about a crow named, uh, Shit Turd. And, uh, in his exploits. So I highly recommend that. Not where I thought that was going, but I do love that. It's very funny. It's very enjoyable so far. I hope, I hope it sticks the landing cause I'm really enjoying it. And, uh, yeah, so check that out. Erin, anything to plug?

I'd like to plug to come D&D. Season two has ended and season three is going to start back up soon. I also want to plug Chillax Comedy. It's every Wednesday at seven at the Yard Theatre in Los Angeles. It's always run by Chicago comedians and it's a lot of fun. In next month's show, February show, a lot of wet bus will be in town. So a big group of us will be able to improvise together and it's going to be really special. So if you want to come to see that. And also, I was on Comedy Bang Bang recently. You don't have to listen to it, but if you wanted to, you can.

And you killed it. You were wonderful. Well, I don't want to set the precedent that you don't have to do the things that we plug. Everyone has to read that book, and everyone has to listen to it. Yeah, you're right. Never mind. What are you doing?

Sorry, sorry. You have to listen to it. Okay. JPC, can you read a review, please?

I would love to see if you want to get a five star review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Just go to Apple iTunes, leave us a five star review, and hey, I might pick it. For instance, I picked this one from Slug Dinkleman. Slug says, yeah, love it. Best show to listen to, especially if you're looking to get your weekly dose of the Howard Dean scream. Okay, so we got that queued up? Well, every time. Thank you so much, slug dinkle men. Hey, speaking of men that likes to dinkle, there's a whole planet out there where those dinkle men kind of congregate. Isn't that right, Erin?

That is right, JPC. Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Bye.

I'm going to run and pee because I have to pee pretty bad.

Erin, keep an eye out for any colonels.

I will. Like a hundred fallout of my panelists.

A hundred is such a funny number.

Sounds like a slot machine on loaded coins. Hey there, Colkins and Barrymores. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. Ever wondered what it was like to be a child actor? Well, we got the answers for you. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Clue for $5 a month or the Review Clue for $8 a month. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.