Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

And there's a bit of noise outside my door one second.

And the revolutionaries burst in.

Viva la France! They start making a, what are they called? A barricade with all, like, recording.

Do you see the people singing? Is this a Zincaster? The Zincaster's open.

He stood on a block of lights.

Oh, something worked.

Oh, fish. It was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife and a knife. And the horses didn't ride any.

Hey, it's... Hey, podcast. How do we... Erin, it's been so long.

Whoa, Adal, did you not realize we were recording until about four seconds ago?

We've been talking for 15 minutes.

Hey, podcast. Hey, podcast. Hey podcast. Hey podcast. Hey podcast. Hey Riddle Riddle is for hay horses horses. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPZ.

And I'm Erin Keif.

And it is, we're just minging into 2023.

If it's your first time listening, the door's that way. Thanks for stopping by. We took a little fucking break, didn't we? We took a little goddamn fucking break.

We took the longest break we've ever taken in our little careers.

We took a break, okay? We're on a break.

Thank you, Ross. That's good reference, yes.

Thank you.

How is everybody doing? How is everybody's New Year's? What have we been up to? Well... How was your break?

I'm glad that you asked. I wrote down some of the things that happened to me during my break. And I thought maybe if you wanted to just... I could list them and then we could just... Casey, hit the piano.

And sing about it, Erin. I got bonked in the head. If Erin got bonked in the head and went to sleep for three weeks and we hadn't checked in on her, wow.

I wrote down some of the things. I didn't have anything crazy exciting happen, just a bunch of little things. And then you can pick one that you want to discuss further or we can just let it be. Okay.

And if we want to discuss one further, can we stop you or should we allow you to complete the list and then circle back?

I'd say complete the list because you don't know if something better.

I prefer to stop. Well, we know that. I mean, we all know that.

Oh, man. Okay. I watched Emily in Paris in one sitting and now I'm not sure who I am anymore. I saw Harry Connick Jr. 's Christmas show. I spent $100 on Harry Connick Jr. merch and I think I might be in love with him. I ate mozzarella sticks and they were really good. I left and went to the bathroom seven times during Avatar The Way of Water or whatever it's called. I saw the guy from Glee, Archie, the one who's in the wheelchair at LAX baggage claim and I think he noticed my Harry Connick Jr t-shirt. While taking down Christmas decorations, I saw a spider so big it made me scream so hard until I hurt my neck. And I'm very interested to know how the waffle maker I got JPC is going. So that's sort of what's been on my mind lately.

So that guy's not in a wheelchair. He plays a character in a wheelchair. When you saw him at the airport, was he using the wheelchair to get through security? Because that, by the way, is the move. That is the move.

No, he was not. He was just standing.

From glee to glib. Erin, I have a few follow-up questions, if you don't mind. Sure. Number one, Emily in Paris. I don't know if I've heard of this show.

Emily in Paris. I mean, we're all saying it wrong.

I was going to say, are you sure you're not mispronouncing it?

We were calling it Emily in Paris because we weren't sure what they were going for.

I'm a low in Bordeaux. You said it's like garbage. It's like fun to hate watch.

Yeah, it's like the craziest hate watch ever. It all comes out around Christmas every year. And I sat with the Coyle siblings and we literally just didn't get up and we watched an entire season of Emily in Paris in one sitting. It is so bad. I truly think that they like make all the wrong choices on purpose to get people talking about it.

Yeah. And your follow-up question, is the Coyle siblings what you call your two armchairs?

It is.

The springy armchairs that are in front of your TV at home?

Yeah, because they're not pushing on them anymore. They're just lazy boys with the springs.

I love my lazy boys. What were some of the other follow-up? Oh, you said $100 on Harry Connick Jr. merch. Clearly you got a t-shirt, money well spent, because what's-his-name noticed it. What other merch did you buy?

I would not be surprised if that was the $100 because concert merch is so fucking expensive.

45 bucks for a t-shirt? Get fucked.

To justify my manic spending, these are gifts for my family.

But we're the same.

What a weird disassociation of like... That's odd. That's truly odd.

Well, the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album, specifically his first one, were huge in my house growing up. They were like the Christmas album that we listened to.

He's like a modern-day Michael Bublette.

He's better than Michael Buble, I'll tell you that much. I cried so much during the concert.

Buble just fading into dust like a Thanos snap, like, whoa!

Don't forget about me! Michael J. Fox and Back to the Future.

Sean didn't want to go with me, but he did get me shorts at, say, property of Harry Connick Jr. on the back, and I was like, I think I might be talking about this too much. But I brought my friend Elizabeth, and she kept getting over it.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that official merch that Harry Connick officials?

No, no, no. He had that made.

Okay, god damn, I was like Harry Connick Jr., what are you doing?

Did he grab your butt? I'm sorry, did he grab his property? Okay.

He's a family man. I would kill for Harry Connick Jr.

to sell that on his website. What is he thinking for anyone to sell that?

But Harry Connick Jr., if you're listening to this, I'm in love with you and I would love to meet you. But not in a way that's like weird, like in a way that's just like, I admire you. But I started crying in his concert because such a good actor. He was on Will and Grace, but he played Silent Night and then he had us, the audience, sing a verse or chorus or whatever. And after we sang, he went, you sound perfect. And I burst into tears.

Well, I mean, Erin, I don't want to... Oh, TBC, should I... should I shatter this illusion?

Does he say his head at every show? Yeah, I think so.

How did Junior Keif hear? This hearing's all blown out.

But he's like a classic, like he's a New Orleans jazz musician and he has been traveling with the same band. He's like incredible New Orleans jazz musicians. He's so worth seeing live. But I bought a key chain. I bought an ornament. I bought a hat. What's up?

When he first came on stage, I am assuming this was in LA. Yes. What venue?

Oh man, what venue?

Does it matter? When he came out, Pantasia, when he came out, did he say L.A. is one of my favorite places to play? Or like, I love being back here. Like, this is my favorite city.

It's good to be home. Did he say anything? Whatever, man. What did he say?

Whatever, man. Let me just have my night.

So how sincere do you think that you were? He came out and he said, hey Los Angeles, I drove here.

And everyone goes, woo!

Well, he was so sweet and his wife and his three daughters were in the audience and he went one by one and he talked about why, how special he thought each of his three daughters were and how excited he was to have everyone in the same room. They never are all at his concert together. It was so good.

I will say, Erin, that sounds fantastic. I'm so glad you had a wonderful time. I'm just saying he's telling Kenosha, Wisconsin right now, they sound perfect.

Yeah, but he... Erin, what did you think of Avatar and how were the bathrooms?

Well, oh man, I got, normally I don't get any snacks at the movie theater because you just like feel so sick after you eat a whole thing of like candy. So I've been trying not to do that, but I went and I got the biggest water ever. Because I was like, I feel like this movie is too long. At least I'm going to be super hydrated. And I peed seven times. That's so much. That movie sucks. I don't care how pretty it is.

Gleaning the information you put in the newsletter, it sounds like you like the movie.

Avatar?

Yeah, it was wonderful. And I have yet to see it. So we're three bearsing it.

Let's fight.

You know how the three bears, one bed was too soft, one bed was too hard, and one didn't have a bed?

I think it's fine if you don't like it. I think that that's, that's, that's fine. I will say, I will say that the, one of the things that they've, the Avatar sales has been pretty consistent week to week. Like there's not really been a drop off, which is very rare for a movie. Like it's very rare for a movie not to have, most movies nowadays just have like massive drop offs after the opening weekend and Avatar doesn't, which means that people are still going to see it. And my, my thought is he made a movie over three hours so that people would be peeing during the movie so that people would be like, Well now we have to go see it again and pee during another part where we've already seen so we can see the part we didn't see while we were peeing, which I think is actually pretty genius.

And calling it way of water is again a subliminal message of like water. Like I have to assume it's just nonstop CGI water like crashing against shores.

It's a lot of water. And Erin, I will say this, I did not pee once during that three-hour movie. I thought it was, and I said this in the newsletter, I was, Mariah and I did not go and see it when we could have seen it because we did not want to go see a three-hour movie. We're like, it's just, that's a day-ruiner. That's like a day-killer. And so we saw it, you know, like a week later and I prepared for it. I didn't have anything to drink during the movie and I I made it all the way through the movie without peeing, and then I peed the longest pee of my entire life directly after the movie. But I pre-gamed for it by being very hydrated the day before and then just cut myself off there for a certain period just so I could see that movie without peeing. But I would probably see it again, but I don't think I'm going to go back to the theater to see it again. Interesting.

Okay. Can I just tell you my biggest problem with it?

Biggest spider? Oh.

Other than how many times I had to pee during it? My biggest problem.

Sure. I don't want to hear it because I don't know if people have other, haven't seen it yet. So I don't want to spoil anything about the movie for people. I haven't seen it yet and I plan to.

I'm not going to spoil anything. This is just a general James Cameron complaint about the movie. He has created one of the most visually interesting fantasy worlds ever. What not even just like baseline awesome even with the effects and how much better they've gotten the most beautiful fantasy world of all time. And all James Cameron wants to do is play with his GI Joe dolls. He's like, in this amazing fantasy world, he's like, you know what I'll do? U.S. Army propaganda the whole time. I want to have my little GI Joes fighting with each other with human guns. You are in a fantasy world, you lunatic.

You know that the army's the bad guys, right? Traditionally when you do propaganda, you don't make the army the bad guys. No, I think it's still- Unless it's a different type of propaganda that I'm not familiar with.

Why are they there at all is my big point. Because really he's just showing all these, he's like, if they're the bad guys, then why are we like, it's so, look how cool their weapons are and look how cool it is to watch their fight.

What are we doing? Because we are Pandora. That's the point. That's the point is that we are the bad guys. No.

No, not the way that he's shooting it, then he's doing a bad job. He's doing a bad job because he's masturbating to these U.S. weapons. Go ahead.

I don't want to be a dissenting voice, but we all, as children, I assume, read the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe books, and one of the Chronicles of Narnia is Seal Team... I will say, I did not read those books.

I was too busy masturbating to weapons.

There is one where Seal Team 6 goes into Narnia.

What's one character from Nardi I could pull? What's the little goat man, right?

Isn't there a goat man? There's a goat man and his name is... I wanna say... Pan?

Mr. Tumnus.

What's Mr. Tumnus? I was like, he sounds medicinal.

Yeah, when they do those enhanced interrogation techniques on Mr. Tumnus... They waterboard. It's not called that anymore because we can't do that anymore.

They do the clockwork orange eyeball thing.

Yeah, sleep deprivation.

They blast Metallica.

Well cleaning that thing if you make some messy type of waffle in there is almost impossible. So it took me maybe 45 minutes to clean that waffle maker of all the blueberry goo and then I bought online I bought special like Kitchen utensil cleaning brushes that can go in between the waffle maker and then the next time we made waffles cleaning took like five minutes. So I've used it twice, made a terrible mistake the first time and was like using like like paper towels, well not paper towels, but like dish rag towels to like clean the insides of the grooves of the waffle maker and just be like, oh god, it's still dirty. What the fuck? Blueberry everywhere. But they were delicious. The waffles were delicious. We're out of that waffle mix and I gotta get some more of it because it was so fucking good.

Oh, good. Oh my gosh. Okay. I'm so glad.

Yeah.

Well, that's the end of my list. Adal, how was your vacation?

Here's how I'll sum up my vacation. Which dogs never go to heaven?

Hmm. A witch's dog never goes to heaven because it's familiar to hell. That's correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Sorry Erin, we had to get started with Riddles. I could hear people breathing down their iPhones. I'll tell you in person. You could text him.

No, that sounds like a lot of work.

Which dogs never go to heaven? And I will say alternate answer. Wishbone. Wishbone is in hell, famously.

No.

No. Okay. Which dogs never go... Oh, pit of fireballs. Wait. Is this on? Did anyone get that? What was that? Is this on? Hello? Test, test, test.

Which dogs never go to heaven? And this is just a warm up, so I'll go ahead and say the answer unless anybody else has any. Devil dogs. Erin, you are very close. Deviled eggs. Are you familiar with devil dogs as it pertains to Chicago? What is it?

The dreaded follow-up to that question. The dreaded follow-up to, are you familiar with?

Just say what Devil Dogs is and you have the answer.

Is it not a food?

It is a food.

Yeah, that's what I'm, then, yes. It's a food.

Then say the word.

I will say hot dogs.

Yes. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. It's hot dogs. Hot dogs. Now, why will hot dogs not go to heaven? Because they're just processed meat.

Too processed, yeah. Yeah, they're too processed. They can't get through processing, Adal.

Well, I'd like to see a scene.

We don't know why that's the answer, but it's the answer.

You two are two hot dogs on a grill, and you're talking about how scared you are to die and go to hell.

Sizzle, sizzle, oh man, sizzle, sizzle.

I had impure thoughts, I had impure thoughts, um, about my... Just so you know, I'm not a priest. No, I'm just, I know, I know, and neither am I, but I gotta tell somebody. I have... Okay. I mean, we're gonna die, right? So it's like, I can't go, I can't leave this world. Yes, yes, yes. With the weight of what I've done on, I put ketchup inside. I put ketchup inside. I just wanted to try it one time.

Frank, Frank, that is... That's gross. Even from you, that's gross.

Look, I know I'm not happy that I did it. I'm just trying to get these weight off my shoulders or the shoulders of pigs that are somewhere in me. Somewhere inside. The knuckles. The knuckles. Rat testicles.

I'm also not a priest, and if I could just lift this heavy burden off this albatross around my casing. Oh, you're an albatross dog? There's apple jars in there for sure. Next to the pig. I coveted, and this I guess is involving you Frank, I coveted my neighbor's bun. Of course you've been on the grill with me for I want to say three years?

Feels like three years. Yeah, in our time? Sure. Hot dogs live a hundred years and we've spent three years on this grill.

Hot dog years famously. Every human second is a hot dog year. Yes. Buddy, buddy, I've coveted your bun.

What? Yes! Come on. All wheat?

You're just trying to make me feel good.

No, look at the texture. I mean, there's no way. Look at my bun. I'm falling through that as soon as I hit the bun. But you, on that whole wheat bun? No way! Are you sure? Are you serious? I think you've got a great bun, man. And I think that you're gonna make that sports fan really happy. And hey, maybe we go away, maybe we die, maybe we go see what comes next.

And put them on the plate and eat them.

Someone ate me just on a plate. Oh my God, hot dog on a plate. Are we at Erin's barbecue? Who the fuck are you? There's mustard in music. Uh, Patreon.com says, Hey Riddle Riddle, if you want to get the full context. Oh, I forgot that's a Patreon. Whoops. That would be an insane main feed for us to do. Making callbacks?

Ideal barbecue main feed. If you want to get some of the inside jokes, you gotta head to the Patreon.

It's like a show within a show.

Within a show. It's like an onion. It's honestly kind of like a whole different show. I am a I become an energy form. If you remove the first two letters, I am needed to live. Scramble the last three letters and I am a drink. What word am I?

Air. I'm trying to think of the three. You needed to live one.

Wait, you're a five-letter word? Yes. And you remove the first one, you're in energy. If you remove the first two... Let me say, when it's that five-letter word, people eat me.

Okay. If you remove the first letter, you become an energy form. Remove the first two letters, I am needed to live. Scramble the last three letters, and it's a drink. What word am I?

Okay, needed to live makes me think like air. But if you scramble the last three of air... I feel like if I can get three letter word that I need to live, I'm going to be able to nail this one down.

So it's a three letter thing, calling sangria rias, that's how we know to cut you off from the sangria.

Okay, three little words I need to live. Is it poo? Uh... Cause if you don't poop, you will die.

And the drink would be... Opal?

Love, but without the E. Aw, Erin, I love that. Aw, thanks.

That's beautiful. Erin, as Harry Connick Jr. once said directly into your eyes, you're perfect.

Alright, let's talk Maslow here. Hierarchy of needs. What do we need? Shelter. Air. Water. Food.

Wait, hold on. I might be somebody's captain.

Fluffy robes.

Heart. Monkey. Wait, is Heart the answer? No.

You think one of the planeteers, their power was Monkey? I assume you're speaking of Mati.

No, no, no. Monkey was his own member, and Monkey's power was Monkey. Matti was his own guy.

He would always go monkey and they go, how did you get back in here?

Leave. It sucks that Matti got a monkey. Everyone else should have gotten a pet too.

Well, Matti, he was, Ross was, how do I say this? On a break. He was on a break, for what? But when they created Ross, they used Matti as a template, which is why he had Marcel for the first season and a half, I want to say, too long.

Whoa, A.U. or Ross was also one fifth of the people that could summon Captain Planet.

I don't know why advertisers used to think everyone is like thrilled about monkeys. It's like you put a monkey in something and people go just absolutely nuts. Actually, they could be right.

Yeah, actually, I love everything I've ever seen with a monkey.

Is it?

Outbreak?

Well, can you read the beginning again? So when you take away the first letter, what happens?

So I just want to make sure the first part is not forgotten. Five letter food. Five letter people eat me, yes. You remove the first letter and I become an energy form. And this is all up until the last three letters you don't have to scramble anything. This is in order. The word remains intact except for what you remove. Energy form like heat.

So think about some word that are energy.

Heat. Yes.

Fire.

Yes.

Wait, they both can't be right. Is it heat or fire? Oh, sorry. You both said heat at different times. It is heat. Heat. Heat. What's a thing that goes in front of heat that you can eat?

You have to eat so you have to eat to live.

Hold on, stop. JBZ, what do you think heat is? Is that like thick wheat? Yeah, ask the message counselor. It is wheat. Wheat. Wheat.

Heat.

Eat. Tea. Tea. You got it. Erin, say that again in like a musical fun way. Oh God, I forget all of it. Wheat. Heat.

Eat. Tea.

It's a wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat Sounds horrible. Huh.

Eat tea. Interesting. Yeah. Which is why I never take a golfing. Exactly. It's disgusting. I'm like a little gopher. I like to see a sea. One of the things that eats the wood.

Wood check.

The two of you are golfing and you're, it's like sort of a business golf thing where you're trying to like close a deal. Uh, and JPC, it's clear that you keep trying to eat the golf ball, uh, inconspicuously and Adal, you're going to call them out on it.

Look, I'm telling you this. I'm telling you this much right now. If the ship doesn't get unloaded, the penguins on the ship will die. And then what you've got is you've got dead penguins you paid too much money for. So that's your call. It's your call.

Please, I'm going to ask you one more time, Marcus. It's not a ship, it's an ark. Now, we need two of each animal, okay? We're trying to recreate something, frankly, biblical, okay? Now, if the penguins die, I think that is fine. There's so many other animals. The Antarctica is so well represented. I don't even know if penguins are in the Antarctic.

I mean, I don't know why I put them all on the container ship then, okay? Because if what you want is a bunch of dead penguins sitting in a dock in San Francisco, more power to you because that's what you paid for at this point. Is this your ball? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Take your shot.

It's not even that you grabbed my ball. It's that you tried to eat it like a soft boiled egg.

Look, if it's your ball, it's your ball. I've already apologized. Take your shot.

Okay. What's going on with that club there?

Oh, okay, so I understand what this looks like. It looks like I was about to hit you in the head so I could eat your golf ball. There was a bee, there was a bee that was flying right around your head. I knew that you were in the zone trying to, you know, play your game or champ or do whatever you're doing. And I just want to get the bee. But you know what? Seems like now that I've told you about it, the bee's gone away. We don't have to worry about it.

I have some Neutrogrena bars. I've never had a neutral grain of bar. What's a neutral grain of bar? Well it's, how do I say this, it's like a little Debbie but healthy.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. It's like oats and then inside it's like just the whisper of fruit.

Let me grab one. It's in your golf bag?

It's in my golf bag.

Okay, great. And it's these little white... Nope, that's the golf balls. That's the golf balls. Oh my God. May I have another? These are so good.

How? How are you crunching into those?

Oh my God.

Oh my God. What species are you?

Penguin.

It all makes sense. That is a lot of fun. A man is sitting in a bar when a rich man sits next to him. He turns to the rich man and says, well that's improper use of English, I believe, to make the he the first man when you mention the second man.

Anyway, let's get back to this. You're the one reading the riddle.

A man is sitting in a bar when a rich man sits next to him. Okay, that makes sense. He turns to the rich man and says, did you know, I know, almost every song that has ever existed, the rich man laughs. This is more of a short story. Yeah. The rich man laughs. This is a Better Call Saul episode. The man then says, I bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it. Because he knows all the songs that have ever existed. Got it. The rich man laughs again and says, okay, tough guy. I added that. How about my daughter's name? Jamie Armstrong Miller. Minutes later, the man collects his cash and the rich man goes home cashless.

Rich people do not carry cash, by the way. Rich people don't even carry wallets.

What song did the man sing?

Well, I know this one, so I can't... Basically, if this is, what do they call it, voir dire? I have to say, I have to recuse myself because I know the answer. So I can't remember this. Recuse.

Recuse. As Poirot used to say, recuse.

Okay, so is it the type of thing that her name If we spread out the letters in a certain way, then it becomes a title of the song.

I want to see where this is going. Sustained.

No, no. Don't let me dig a hole in the mud. You know what I mean? The technicality of this guy's going after it.

One, you shouldn't be digging in the mud.

Yeah, you gotta wait for that to dry. Yes, the technicality this guy's going after is all of the letters of her name will become letters of words that are in the song that he sings.

If you rearrange Jamie Armstrong Miller, you get John Jacob Jingleheimer. Schmidt?

So this person's daughter's name is Jamie Armstrong Miller. This is a very rich man. What is this man's name?

He just sings a song with a daughter in it?

It can't be T.J.

Miller because he wants all his money. Basically what it is, is there's two guys at a bar. The poor guy says, I know every song that's ever existed. The rich man says, no you don't. The poor guy says, I bet you all your money. I can sing a song with any woman's name in it. The rich guy says, here's Jamie Armstrong Miller. The poor guy sings a song with that name in it. He gets the money from the rich guy.

Now this tracks, this tracks for me because, as we all know, rich people are actually stupid. So this guy's probably, this guy's probably like- They're just calling confidence. Yeah, people think that rich people are really smart, but this is probably just something like dumbass who, whose father had the same business and inherited all of his wealth. He had a car dealership, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, by the way, car dealership people, tons of money. So much more money than you'd ever think. It's wild how much money. It's wild how much money.

So much. I feel like- It's because there's so many fucking warranties.

A car dealership guy, right? Who? Yeah. J.B. Pitzer. Yeah, their family is car dealership money.

JPC, I put up with a lot from you, but I will not put up with the rich people slander on anything. Not for another moment will you talk about my best friends, future best friends.

Yeah, by the way, future best friends as well. If you're out there besties. Future lizards, Erin, here's what John Dush Coan.

Here's a little hint about the song he sang with... Oh, can I give Erin a hint? Can I give mine first? Yes, please. Because I don't think this is giving too much away. Erin, you probably know this song word for word, and then JPC, you give your hint. My hint was that it's happy birthday. That's right.

That's what it is.

That's kind of fun. You're right. You're right. Adal's here. It was better. I should have, I should have, I should have waited.

I do want to see a scene. Erin JPC. Erin and JPC. Let's see. JPC. It is your birthday. Erin, you have shown up for JPC's birthday party. You're the only person who showed up and you were invited by a friend. You're trying to sing happy birthday, but you don't really know his name or anything about him. And it's just getting very, very awkward.

Hey, can I get you a drink or anything?

We have to sing the song.

Right. Okay.

So we have to sing the song before it, when it could start, we can have to sing the song.

Great. And people are going to be here soon, right?

Doesn't matter. We have to sing the song at six. It's six PM. So we have to start singing the song. All right.

I still think some of your good buddies are going to show up soon. Yes.

And when he talks to you, when he calls you on the phone, what does he call you? Oh God. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear new friend of mine who I love so much.

Happy birthday person I'm in the room with right now. Happy $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card. Wow, I can't believe you made it all the way through the song. I have to admit, you are on a prank show.

Ah, did Eric put you up for that?

Zip? Erin, it's me, Harry Connick Jr. And can I just say, the singing of Happy Birthday was perfect.

Will you marry me?

Absolutely not. Erin, you're on a different prank show, Zip.

Adal, I know it's you.

Harry Connick Prank Show.

Is that how Harry Connick Jr. sounds?

Not at all.

This is what you're Harry Connick Jr. saying. I thought he had like a, does he have like a bit of a draw? Like, hey, hey everybody.

Yeah, he sounds like the big bopper. He's like a little New Orleans, like, ooh.

I think maybe I'm thinking of Chris Isaac.

You're always thinking of Chris Isaac. I think last week you mentioned Chris Isaac. What's going on with you and Chris Isaac? Nothing. Don't look into it. Are there any more songs that are not wicked game?

I was going to say, I'm feeling a little bit embarrassed about how poorly I'm doing on today's riddles. Erin, you're doing fantastic. You're perfect.

Thank you for admitting it, Erin. Thank you for admitting it because we see you, we hear you, we value your opinion. And we welcome and encourage you to do better.

Slip, I'm on a prank show.

Oh, Erin. I have two quick things to say. Number one, I love that someone who threw a birthday party, half birthday party, and nobody showed up says, I don't have room for more friends. I think that's the funniest thing in the world. And two, I think we should take a quick little break. Let's do it.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

And we're back. And Erin, I do want to circle back to something you mentioned up top. You said you saw a spider so big and you screamed for so long or so hard that you hurt your neck. How big are we talking?

You guys can't see, but I can.

Okay, it's a podcast.

It's a podcast? Why am I wearing a gown?

Is this the size of a quarter?

No, it's bigger than that.

It's the size of a dog's butthole? That's bigger than a quarter.

That's bigger than a quarter?

It's a dog's butthole size spider. Okay, is it?

It's like the size of an eyeball.

That's a quarter.

Bigger than that though, but I have beautiful doll eyes so bigger than that.

When you're floated over the river sticks, I think they put pennies on your eyes. So a quarter would absolutely cover it.

Yeah, okay, so it's, but it's not bigger than two quarters.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Okay. It's like a quarter and a little.

Okay, got it.

30 cents.

Okay. Aprils are bigger than dimes.

Erin, did you be gracious and just give us quarter?

A 30 cent piece.

A 30 cent piece. Erin, gracious? No, thank you. And Erin, famously, whose face is on the 30 cent piece?

Why? Why? Of course, of course.

Yeah, 30 set pieces and don't close, good close.

30 set pieces. I want to say Sam Mendez, director, director Auteur. Let's get back into the riddles.

Okay.

What's the one place you can be sure you'll never read your name?

Home, bathroom.

Home is the one place you never have to say you're sorry.

Never read your name.

Never? Wait, the one place you can be sure you'll never read your name? Yes. What's the one place?

When you're born in the hospital, because you can't read yet.

Well, you could go back and look at the records. Can I, well, can I say the dark, like a dark room?

Braille is a thing. I don't know Braille. Yes. You could intuit it. All right, all right. Calm down. What's the one place you can be sure you'll never read your name?

Oh, a Vulture top 10 list?

Yeah, you'll never be in that. Frankie Cosmo's for sure, but you? No.

Oh, the obituary.

Yes, I got it.

Oh, the obituaries, you're so right.

JPC got it. I mean here, I will say here it says your gravestone, but obituaries is the same thing.

But also, mine is not a correct answer because there are people who like do read their own name in the obituaries and are like, hey, I got to call the paper because somebody fucked up.

There's also people who create their gravestone well before they're dead to make sure they have a plot and all that.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Or like my grandma whose husband died like 30 years before, she's still alive, but 30 years before her and she just is like waiting to lay down on that grave stone next to his, that plot. It has been for like 35 years, like that's fucking wild.

That's so weird.

She goes to visit it and like, I'm going to be there right next to you sometime.

I couldn't do that.

That's my future, my future literacy place.

I feel so mentally taxing to be like, this is where I will live.

May I see a scene? Adal, you woke up and you're reading the morning paper and you see your name and life description and the obituaries, so you're calling the paper that JPC works at and trying to figure out what's going on.

Okay, just have my morning coffee here. What's this? Obituaries. Dylan McNamara, born 1990 fun, died 2000 and fun, bonked on the head by an oopsie, shit his pants and screamed to death. He is survived by who cares? This doesn't feel good. Let me just go with numbers on the bottom of the paper. That's convenient.

Okay. Chicago Fun Times obituary department. How can I help you?

Hi, my name is Dylan.

Dylan! Oh. We've been expecting your call.

Sorry, this is in Chicago and you know me just by my first name?

You died today, correct?

No.

Oh, well Dylan, sweetie, why is your obituary in the front page of the Chicago Fun Times?

Yeah, I was also surprised at this front page news.

Um... Dylan, are you a Chicago Fun Times subscriber?

Yes, I am. I'm actually, I sat down at breakfast to read it just now.

Oh, okay. So you're one of our, well, I mean, you were a subscriber. We, should we go ahead and cancel your subscription since you are deceased?

No, no, it's very expensive and to restart it is even worse.

Listen, I just- laborious process.

Yes. I think you're gonna cause a lot of confusion with my friends, family, and coworkers.

Can you just, um... Oh, is that Dylan on the phone?

Yep, it's Dylan.

Dom, I said rest in peace.

Hey Dylan, Angela from Accounting says rest in peace.

That's so sweet. Tell it... No, I am not dead. Can you print a retraction or... I can't tell that to Angela.

That'll break her heart. She's been crying. She's been crying about you all morning.

She sounded chipper from a distance.

Well, she's got a full life outside of you Dylan. You don't even know her. You just met her basically.

Apologies. Yes, I'm being selfish.

She's listening to a funny podcast.

Oh, which one?

Uh, the read? That's a funny one. What my wife listens to. It's pretty good.

Okay. Um, well listen, if there's any way that I could be, uh, cause this is gonna fuck up my insurance, my credit card.

Hey Dylan. I'm willing to tell you one time. We don't use words like that at the Chicago Fun Times, okay? So watch your language, or I won't hang up on you.

Speaking to you on the phone, I'm not speaking to you in print. Surely you can't print a curse word like that unless you're quoting someone.

I won't! Plus, it's the Chicago Fun Times, so I wouldn't say that. I would say, like, bonked or boinked, or... I would say my insurance has me totally, um, canuckled.

Sure. Um, could you at least just remove the part because you did say I shit my pants to death, which feels like it's up there.

Dylan, that's your second warning.

You printed it.

Dylan, take another look. Did I, did I say, what word did I actually spell on that article?

Okay, now that I'm rereading it, it says that he slipped his punts to death.

Dylan, look, I don't, I'm a journalist, okay? How dare you accuse me of just making things up. If you slip your punts, I'm putting it in my paper.

But what is slipping your punts? I mean, my brain filled in what it wanted to see, which is shit, his pants.

Okay, that's your third strike! That's your third strike. Goodbye Dylan. Goodbye. Angela, the day I have had.

What happened? Tell me everything.

Well, I was listening to this episode of The Read, and it seemed pretty funny.

I love just someone cackling in their cubicle and it's like, what are you listening to? BBC World News?

Hi, I wanted to ask you guys this question before that scene and luckily I remembered to ask my question. I was listening to somebody on a podcast who was a journalist who went through a process of trying to fake their own death and encouraged people to find them. Like they were like, I'm going to do my best to fake my death. I encourage anyone who, and there was like a prize or reward if they could find them, like find where they were when they tried to fake their own death. If you were going to fake your own death, like you were like, you had to do it like tomorrow. Yeah. What's your strategy? What's your, what is your strategy going to be to fake your own death?

And it has to be, is this like in terms of what would be the most fun thing? Is this in terms of like what would be most convincing?

You gotta be convincing, you gotta get away, you gotta not get caught. And let's say that you only have to do this for like 30 days, like a month. You just have to fake your death for a month and reasonably convince everyone that you were dead for one month.

I would. I would need longer than tomorrow, but for the month leading up to my like faking my own death, I would tell everyone in my life that I feel like someone's following me.

What's up?

I was just going to say, weirdly, the phrase longer than tomorrow is one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever heard.

Oh, it's my new album. It's all acoustic guitar. It's me. I don't know how to play it, so it's pretty unlistable. I feel like I've listened to enough true crime, just being like, like calling my family members and being like, I'm having this weirdest feeling and then being very specific about it and dropping hints to everyone in my life. And then I would leave my phone, wallet, everything at home. And then I would have already like planted cash for me somewhere in all my fake documents. And then I would go and live in the desert.

You're going real fast over all my fake documents. I'm struggling to understand how you get those.

I get all the fake documents because I know a guy. And then I put them in my locker at my gym.

She has an acoustic solo album. She doesn't play guitar. She gets shit done. She figures it out.

I can make anything work. And then I go to like the south of France for a month.

You fly their cash, no idea.

I actually shouldn't go to the airport. So I'm just going to drive. I'm going to pay someone to drive me and I'm going to go lay down in the back of a van and go to a different part of the country and hide out in the woods. And people see my phone, they cash, and they go, oh, Erin just went outside. And then whoever was following her kidnapped her and killed her, which is dark and sad for a real podcast.

Erin, I might have missed it. How did you get to France?

No, she's not going to France. She's not going to France. That's a bad idea. Sorry. I was thinking out loud, and that's not a good idea. You shouldn't get in a plane because the footage of you getting on the plane will exist. And your documents.

Well, no, you had falsified documents. Yeah, I mean, France, I'm assuming is probably a big enough city that there's probably like security cameras in places, too. So you, yeah, the city of France. In my mind, it was Paris. I guess if you go to like the countryside, then it's probably easy. You want to get away from like surveillance.

Well, how would you fake your own death? Am I? I would just do it.

I would just do it for real. I'd just die.

You know what I'd just say, that would be a perfect time to murder someone. Is they are like, I'm doing this whole thing where I'm faking my own death and you guys have to find me. Just kill that person then and then everyone thinks that.

My gut is like because you have to there's a lot of stuff to consider like even if you get a bunch of cash what are you gonna go stay in like a hotel with the cash like you're gonna have to like find I would like go to like some small town and like try to find like a house that had like a for rent sign or like you know apartment for rent in front of it that I could be like hey I'm only in town for like a little while it's like a business thing and but I wouldn't want to I wouldn't want them to have like a scanned copy of my ID or something you have to be like very very careful But I guess what it comes down to is, I think it would be pretty hard to do.

I would go to, I'd go to like Michigan or something, the UP. And I would find like a pretty high sort of precipice with like a deep canyon or valley or something. And I'd definitely find an area where there's like some sort of root sticking out at the edge of the precipice. And then I would take what looks to be the most angled, difficult selfie on the edge of that. Take that selfie to where it looks like I'm hanging over the edge, post it on Instagram, and then throw my phone down the ravine, rip out that route, and toss that down, cover my tracks, leave my car there, have a backup car ready, have fake documents already, and then drive to Wyoming and just camp out for a year. But I feel like that, having seen the route pulled out and the selfie and everything, I think people would be like, clearly what happened, he was doing it for the gram, He fell, he grabbed onto a root, the root gave out.

If I know anything about my sweet Adal, Adal you will fall for real when trying to pull this out.

Why did we find a body? Why did we find his corpse down here?

Oh I forgot. I would hire my good friend Erin to be in a bear suit. She would stomp around at the bottom at the base of this ravine in the bear suit. She would put some fake, I would donate a couple gallons of blood. She would toss that around at the bottom. People would be like bear, clearly a bear.

I feel like what you gotta do is you gotta do boat. You have to like charter a boat so that if you're lost in the ocean, like no one's ever gonna reclaim that body. They'll expect for you never to like, you know, you just leave the boat out there, get like a second boat that you like take away, you know, leave all your belongings on the boat.

I think that's what, do you remember, I can't remember the full details, Olivia Newton-John's husband at some point went missing on the ocean and they're like, oh he's presumed dead and she like mourned him and there's like a year and a half of like this poor guy lost at sea and then they found him on some island or something and he had, he was fine, he did not drown or anything. He just wanted to get away from her.

Oh, he wasn't like cast away.

He was like at the Bahamas. He was just like, he just ghosted. Yeah.

You know, I almost had the thought, I was like, nobody fakes their own death anymore. But I'm like, maybe everybody's just, the people who are doing it, you never find them. They're really good at it.

Well, you know, it just occurred to me, GPC, if I were going to fake my own death, I would, if I was, and I was on a podcast, I would have a conversation like this on the podcast to go, if he's actually new and he would never bring it up. So, we're on to you.

Yes, okay. Well, we'll see. Catch me if you can, okay? That's all I gotta say. Catch me if you can.

I'm gonna catch you day one. I'll be like, where's the nearest place to get waffles by his house?

And then you just, you sitting there like- It just goes to a Cracker Barrel. Yeah, a local Cracker Barrel defines JPC.

You just triangulate like a porno theater, Cracker Barrel, and mini golf. And the same like three block radius. Yeah, he's there. I'm at that hotel.

He's dead center.

What is L greater than XL? When is L greater than XL? Is this like a Roman numerals thing? JPC you got it in one. Really? You got it in nine, sorry. Is LL is Roman numerals? Oh yeah I know it is right?

If XL is Roman numerals then L is definitely Roman.

What is Elle? What is Elle's unit in Roman numerals? Have there been a Super Bowl with an Elle in it?

I was going to say, I don't follow football. I don't know.

I think so. I think there has. Sure. Boy, what is Elle? I want to say 20. I don't know.

Casey says it is 50. Or was that back when we were doing the birthday scene, Casey? Happy 50th, buddy.

Oh, wait. Casey also said Adal, let's see it in 40X.

That was to Avatar.

Avatar? Casey, absolutely. Okay. Sorry, it took me half an hour to see this message.

No, it says Casey just wrote that two minutes ago. So it sounds like Casey is the one who is behind.

And I do want to see a scene. So the Riddle was, when is El greater than XL? I do want to see a scene. The two of you are Roman soldiers and you are shopping for clothes. I mean, typically you're wearing your Roman soldier garb and it just gets a little tiresome, but you have, you know, you're going on like a fun little getaway. So you're shopping for some different clothes.

Big weekend coming up, eh portfolio?

Can you believe we're finally getting a little bit of time off?

Boy, do I need it. My legions have lesions, if you know what I'm saying. Just a little joke.

Let me just check for a knife on your arm. Yeah, just a classic. I trust you, but this is how we shake hands.

I trust you as well. Check in for knives, check in for knives. Oh, that reminds me. We should get some cool knife sheaths for our weekend attire.

Oh, heck yeah, my guy. Do you think I can pull this off? Holds a tiny swimsuit.

Oh, I mean that's very portfolio. I love it, but that's very like senator of you, you know? And it's like, not that, I can see you more like man of the people, man of the people, but that's a little hoity-toity.

Okay, so I heard you're still trying to start that new religion. How's that going?

It is hitting snags. It is hitting snags. I'm sorry, I'm drilling snags into people's hands and then mounting them outside of the Roman capital for my religion.

Yes, of course.

Okay, what do you think about this one? Do you think that I have the gall to pull this off?

Yeah, I think it would impress the ladies down at the big bath we all bathen.

You know that big bath? You think you should wear clothes to the bath?

Yeah, I think so. I think you walk up wearing that and they go, wow. And then you take off your clothes and they go, wow.

What about this? What about this? This is, now this is, I believe this is some Germanic warrior garb. What if I put this on and say, is this German into the conversation?

Oh, oh, sorry. No, we're not, we're not with them. We're not, sorry. No. Sorry.

Wait, I'm trying things on. I'm trying things on. Is that a spear in your pants or are you just happy to see me? What the fuck are you talking about?

Sorry, carry on. Senators in their tiny bathing suits. These fucking guys.

They thought you were part of a, I'm so sorry. I talked over you, but I just didn't want us to get killed by those spears.

Yeah, it's okay. And also, I don't think that was a spear that that guy had. I definitely think that was not a spear he was wielding.

You know what I think you should try on? He walks over this little crown of thorns.

I gotta be honest with you. What? The religion that I'm kind of trying to get moving around here is a... I don't know that... You know what? This might be exactly what I should try on. I think that this is really gonna move some tickets to buy... Well, we haven't started selling tickets. I'm assuming it'll be tickets.

Huge tickets for religion, right?

I love the idea that the Roman baths are like the beach. Like it's like an Elvis 50s beach movie. You know those bats we all go to?

I would love to see a screwball 50s movie set in ancient Rome. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. I watch that. I mean a screwball 80s movie set in ancient Rome.

How about we do one more riddle before we're done?

Would love to hear it.

I crack when I'm wary, tingle when I'm scared, and stretch when I'm proud. What am I? I crack when I'm wary, tingle when I'm scared, and stretch when I'm proud. Sadly, tongue, thumb, and lung are all in the right vicinity.

Vicinity. Speaking of Romans.

That's what you guys deterred. Tongue, thumb, and lung is hard to say.

Tongue, thumb, and lung. Why did I just say it like it was freaking nothing.

Tongue, thumb, and lung. These are all parts of the body. So my guess is this is a part of the body.

And it can crack, tingle, and stretch. Which are the sadly the failed Rice Krispie characters. They hated stretch. The other two were like two inches and then he was like six foot seven.

Yeah.

Terrified.

Couldn't be on camera either. I mean, crack unfortunately had a substance abuse problem that led to his premature demise.

Which is why they turned into crackle. And tingle was a little bit horny.

What tingles? Like, I'm trying to think of like, is it like, like, like pins and needles if like your hand falls asleep or something like that? That's like a tingle.

Tingle's an interesting word here. I don't know. Adal, I think I have the word. Should it be tinkle? Thank you, it's a penis. You never crack your penis. You know when you get down to work and you're like, time to focus and you crack your penis?

Yeah, the boss is really cracking my cock.

I'm so mad at myself for laughing so hard at that.

Come on, Erin. If you put the part of the body before the word tingle, it is a common, I don't know common, but it's a well used phrase.

Wait, the phrase has the word tingle in it?

When you put the answer to this riddle, when you put the answer to this riddle before the word tingle, it is, you would recognize the term.

Man, your husband has heart tingles.

How long does he have to live?

Oh, no, no, no. He'll be fine. Knee tingle?

Knee tingle? I need to tingle? The tingle also leads to, the tingle is a part of or leads to another kind of bodily function. What do we get in the talk right now? The tingle leads to like a shiver. Son, you might get the tingles.

Fine.

The tingles might lead to the shivers. Yes. Spine tingling. Oh, spine tingling. I crack when I'm weary, tingle when I'm scared, stretch when I'm proud. It is a spine.

Wow. Wow. Very nice. Very nice, Erin.

I guess C.A.B.C. as a fucking spineless coward wouldn't have guessed that.

No. No effects. No digging. Look at that. Erin, you see that? I walked all over him. He didn't say anything. That's not answered, counselor.

Coward.

Not digging at all.

Let's print his obituary tomorrow.

I can't serve on this jury. I'm a spineless coward.

Erin, speaking of spineless cowards, do you have anything to plug?

Um, I would like to plug sitcom D&D. I think at this point season two is over and I really enjoyed recording it. And if you haven't given it a shot yet, why don't you check that out? Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, thank you, Erin. I was recently a guest on Botched, a D&D podcast. So please listen to my episode in any previous or future episodes that you see fit. Also, I will say that we have a show in San Francisco coming up very, very soon. It's going to be Sunday, January 22nd at 4pm again in San Francisco as part of the San Francisco Sketch Fest. We will be joined by our fourth host, Janet Varney. So we hope that you're coming out to that. We hope to see you there. Grab tickets if they're still available. They might not be.

Yeah, they might not be. We don't know.

JBC, anything to plug or review?

Yeah, real quick, I would also just like to plug our Patreon. We just hit like our 200th episode over on the Patreon last week. So we have 200 episodes on the Patreon. That's so fucking much. So if you go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and sign up for $5 a month, you can listen to that. You know, just some great stuff. Our 200th episode, I did a 2022 version of We Didn't Start the Fire. You can see over there as well some great stuff for only $5.

I listened to that like six times, by the way. It is so good. The end of you trailing off and talking over the end of, I'm not going to do this next year, unless I decide to do this next year.

I might have to do it next year. I've got a now a notes in my phone called Things That Happen This Year, and I'm just waiting to start writing stuff down in it. And speaking of five, this review is a five-star review. If you want to get your five-star review featured on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, All you gotta do is go to Apple iTunes, leave a five-star review, and maybe I pick yours! This week I picked someone's name, and their name is Pond Catrick-Joan. The review says five stars. This is a podcast. And is that not enough for you? So thank you, Pond Cat, Pond Pond Catrick-Joan. I really enjoyed seeing my name spelled like that. Interesting. Aaron, the name like Pond Catric Joe, and now that doesn't sound like the name of a person from Earth. What freaking planet do you think a person with that name is?

The planet of spineless cowards, Jupiter. Goodnight.

Bye, forever. Created by Adal Rifai, starring Aaron Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney could be editing, and M.R.E.

Hey there A's and I's. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We have an AI give us some improv scene suggestions and we improvise them for you. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at Patreon.com slash hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew and get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a Headgum podcast.