Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Erin just laughed. I showed her a scar and I asked her if this looks recent. That was her reaction?

What the fuck? I showed her a wound and said, does this look infected? What is?

Well, that about sums it up, doesn't it, fellas? We had fun this year.

The answer should have been yes and yes. Erin, you're wearing a ball gown backwards?

And that's what's true. Well, fellas.

I'm wearing a ball gag backwards. This is a big red ball in the back of my head. That's why we're not hearing from your neck.

Well you two crazy loves, I just think that we had the best damn time in 2022. We laughed, we cried, we smoked, we backflipped. We did it all.

We didn't do the splits. Erin, I gotta ask. Now, last week, famously, you asked Adal and I if there were any moments from 2022 that we really wanted included in the Best of. Were there any moments from the shows in 2022 that you really, really wanted included on the best of, but didn't make the final cut? Something that was like so close, but you thought like, ah, no, we just, we just don't have time. We just don't, we got to get back to new episodes. Who smacks the frog this year?

No, that was last year. No, that was last year. Good question. You know what? I just, oh, there wasn't enough room. Uncle Santa just mysteriously just sat at the store.

That's okay because there was a bunch of Uncle Santa stuff, so maybe the first one didn't make it, but a bunch more of them definitely did, right?

The second cousin said Nick must have made it, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Erin, right?

Um, hello? Yeah, I love it. I am. Good to talk to you on the phone.

She's talking into her blender.

Well, Erin's lost her mind.

She showed her a wound. Enjoy this clip show and we'll be right back in 2023.

But now I will say, I will say if you're listening to this and you hear these clip shows, this one in last week's clip show and you think, what a bunch of absolute fucking bullshit. They didn't put out any new goddamn stuff. I'm at home with my goddamn dad watching him stuff mashed potatoes in his mouth like some fucking asshole. Well, we have a Patreon. Patreon.com says, Hey Riddle Riddle. All new episodes happening on that. We don't do fucking clip shows on that. Maybe that's 52 new episodes a year. Everybody's loving that Patreon.

We put in the work. We put in the time, the sweat, the blood, the tears, the gum, the piss.

It all goes into the Patreon. And if you are interested, go sign up for five bucks today. Go listen to some of those episodes.

Oh and we can't stress enough, while you're home for the holidays, while you're around, you're getting drunk at that one bar in your hometown with all your high school friends that you secretly hate, tell them about the podcast. The only way we grow is by you spreading the word. So just like Santa whipping presents, baseball style, at people's heads this Christmas and this holiday, tell all your friends, tell your family, check out the podcast, let a friend know. We need, as Bugs Bunny famously yelled in Space Jam, we need your

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And let's all go into the clip show by yelling the real name of one person we went to high school with that we think should listen to the show. Okay, are we ready? Yes. Mm-hmm. Three, two, one. Brandon Todd. Darrin Neve.

Wait, did you guys say the same name? Hi.

Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane.

We're all very happy for you and excited to see what you do. Thank you. Yeah, we can't wait to see how this goes, right Adal?

Right. Let's just say we have some surprises along the way.

Yeah, let's see how this goes.

Oh, you two have played some surprises for this episode?

Oh, don't worry about it.

Okay. Cause a moment ago, the two of you asked who had the riddles for this episode. I said, I have it. And now you're acting like this. No, no, no.

You take the riddles and we'll take the surprises.

Oh, okay. So just big picture. So I know is it like new segments that you've planned or let's just say they're stuff.

Yes, and why, while we're talking young man, why don't you come into our house made of candy?

Okay, so just so I'm clear, you said that there's stuff, this is the stuff, right? The thing that you have planned is that this is my experience again currently. That's a yes. We'll see how it goes. Well, I can tell you from the way that it's going right now, it's going pretty well. I think I like it.

Did you hear that Gretel? We're a hit.

Oh, yes we are, aren't we?

Cool, so this has got a morph into some characters then, huh?

Well, we thought we'd try some out. No, it's not! But not now! Anyways, we're gonna try to cook and eat you in this episode.

So you're Hansel and Gretel.

You're Hansel and Gretel, and you're trying to cook and eat me. We lure in young witches and we eat them.

Yes! Interesting. Because that's what happened to us.

Oh, so it's like a, it's like a hurt people, hurt people situation.

Yes.

Caught kids catch witches.

Caught kids eat kids.

All right, caught kids eat kids. Well. 1-800 CARS4EATKIDS.

Let's- Let's start over. That's the episode title.

That's the episode title.

1-877-CARS-E KIDS. We're not restarting that. It's 1-877-CARS-E KIDS. Oh no, my Alexa thought I was talking to her. No, it's 1-877-CARS-E KIDS, Alexa.

Is your Alexa calling that number? I don't know how to tell you this, Mr. Sullivan, but your Nissan ate your daughter.

Okay, well, this is Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a podcast about riddles with improv in it as well. There's Adal over there. I'm GPC right here at Erin's. I'm over here. A little bit over there. She's on the ceiling.

The two of you are a couple at the zoo. Okay. You're looking at the flamingos and you're both unfucking, believably unimpressed.

Boo.

This sucks.

Boo.

Do something.

I eat shrimp too, assholes. You don't see people paying to come see me, assholes.

You dumb mother- Do something! Do something!

What if I turn the color of the food I eat, losers?

Yeah, everybody could do that if we have fucking translucent ass, feather ass, fucking do something.

Gangly leg, motherfuckers.

I'm gonna hit him with a Gatorade bottle.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna hit them with a Gatorade bottle.

Yeah, do it. They're skipping leg day, clearly, skinny legs.

This sucks. You suck, flamingos.

Blue crush Gatorade by Gatorade.

Fine, I missed. Damn it, I missed.

Fruit punch. I got one, I got one. Ready?

You hit, you, you, you, you. No, you, I, I'm, I can't hit, I can't hit that.

Alright, I got it. Ready? Ellie Oop. Yeah, I'm bowling. I knocked a couple over. Fuck you comingos.

Fuck you, you dumbass. They flipped right over, dumbass. Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you too. I'm a silverback gorilla, and I can't help but notice you're disrespecting these animals.

Are you sure you're a silverback gorilla or are you a stupidass gorilla, you dumbass?

I'm gonna throw a Gatorade bottle at him. Do something.

Say that again, but look me in the eyes. I guess I would if I could see your eyes down here by your asshole. Do something stupid.

We have thumbs, too. That might impress these assholes at the zoo, the other animals. Not me, dum-dum. Gatorade bottle of that.

Dummy. Break's neck? You just broke your own neck, stupid. This dummy just broke his own neck.

Do something. That's the ultimate power move.

I'm going to go with Gatorade bottle, Adal, it is so funny.

If a group of people ever come up to you and surround you to fight you, scream like you're crazy and break your own neck. Dude. Okay. You both have two minutes to improvise the perfect horror movie trailer based on the title I give you. You will do all the voices, all the sound effects, any narration you might need, all the edits, etc. Your mission is to make me scared to miss this movie. Okay. J.P.C. and Erin, who would like to go first? You're both tied at 11 points. Then I will select that Erin should go first. Perfect. Erin, the title of your movie, are you ready? You're gonna have two minutes. The title of your movie, trailer, that we're about to see is for the movie, Dead and Breakfast. Little play on bed and breakfast.

Do I describe what's happening at all or am I just doing the voices?

JBC, let's have you go first.

No, no, I'm happy and I don't know I'm doing it.

You do the whole trailer, Erin. You do all the voices, all the sound effects, any characters, any narration, anything like that.

Cool. I'm ready. All right.

Great. So this is the trailer for Dead and Breakfast.

It's raining. It's pouring. The old man is snoring. Grandpa. Grandpa, wake up. I have to get to school and you have to make me breakfast. Grandpa?

I guess I'll make my own breakfast.

Dumb pants, breakfast cereal. It's all spiders!

This October. Oh no, I see. I missed the bus to school. I'm gonna have to walk to school, but it's basically like night outside. I hope nothing bad happened on the way to school. Well I'm walking to school and all the grandparents are at their doors on the street staring at me. Creepy way!

I'm going to start running to school!

Oh no! I fell into a hole!

One minute left?

Does she remember what it's called? Does she remember the title of this trailer?

Erin, 50 points if you can say the title is moving.

She can't possibly. What is it, Erin?

I'm crying.

No, she started to say something that it's not. No. Did you say desperate breakfast?

Death for breakfast?

No, it's not death for breakfast. Death for breakfast? No, no, it's a pun. It's a pun, Erin.

Breakfast death?

No.

I can't see. She doesn't know the title. Jesus Christ. I can't see.

The movie she described, it's like it gets to the channel card and the narrator goes, oh no. This October, I want to say eating death. I have it in an email somewhere.

Erin, close out your trailer. At least there's no clues in the movie. Something about the movie. Starring who?

Willem Dafoe. Good. Has all the roles.

It's just clubs. Perfect.

Breakfast, death.

Yeah, perfect. Yep, okay.

I can't breathe.

Erin, that was two minutes and 45 seconds.

Can I get a bonus point if I remember the name of Erin's movie?

I can't breathe.

Yes, you can. I think it's dead and breakfast. It is dead and breakfast.

Let me try again. I swear. I got I got I got I got I got.

Hold on real quick. JPC gets 10 points for remembering the name. Erin, you have 11 points right now. JPC has 21. You can spend all 11 of your points to redo your trailer. Yeah, but if I don't like it, you're done to zero.

Oh great.

Okay. Okay, here we go. This is the trailer for Dead and Breakfast. Erin, do you get the pun too? Because if you know the pun, you'll remember. Yes, I, yes.

Now I remember. Now I didn't hear the pun before.

I think I even said it's like Bed and Breakfast.

Adal, I'm telling you I was panicking.

Yes, of course.

Okay, so, okay. Now I understand.

We're dead in breakfast.

I don't think I've laughed that hard, baby, ever in my life. Okay, yeah. Did you know I didn't know the name?

How did I know? Because I listened to the trailer. Erin, I can't stress enough. It had to do with the bed and breakfast.

I can't stress enough. This has to be a new trailer, and you cannot use the song. It's raining, it's pouring.

Okay. Crosses out notes.

Unreal.

Delicious mold that may make some people get upset stomachs.

Okay.

Plus what you do with a cigarette or the name of a magic dragon.

Shroom butt. Penicillin puff.

Yeah, penicillin is delicious. Mommy, I'm sick.

Can I please have some more penicillin?

We have a burnt brioche bun with a bit of penicillin on top. Enjoy.

Who ate all the goddamn penicillin? I just bought a jar of penicillin down at the market.

Delicious. I will say as a kid, I used to eat all the Flintstone vitamins. I don't know if you had those in your house. They were so tasty.

My son only eats locally sourced penicillin.

Alright, Bad News Gang, we were not able to delete that from our minds, or the podcast is there forever, so that scene will live on in infinity.

Hey, sorry, did you call for us? It's us, the Bad News Gang. It's us, the Bad News Gang! I didn't call for you, yes. Now, just so you know, about 20 miles away there was an apartment fire, and 20 people died.

Yeah, and cats and dogs aren't being adopted fast enough in this country. Am I late? Am I late?

Am I late? Nah, nah, go ahead and tell them, Snake. Tell them some bad news. Ooh, polio hasn't been eradicated completely. Uh oh. Also, it just got turned out the cheese is not good for you. Ha ha. Yay! Thanks little sneaky bad news for ya. Bad news game.

The bad news game.

Why don't you shut the door on us? Here's some nickels.

Get out of here. Ow! Let us in! More bad news for the next house. The bad news is we're coming back later asshole.

JBC, who the fuck was that?

What? Why did you call for them?

Honestly, I forgot. I forgot what summons them. I never say B and G. I never use the B and G phrase. I don't know what made me say it now.

I'm shutting the shades. Hey, I heard our initials burning.

No, that can't summon you.

I'm sorry, hold on.

I was talking about the Beredick and Glady's, my favorite cover band.

Speaking of the band before I leave, speaking of bands, did you hear that Huey Lewis' drummer got a DUI?

Bad news. I mean, when did that happen? 50 fucking years ago? 50 fucking years ago? But with the internet, bad news lives forever, so we're immortal.

Did you watch 50 years ago? I feel like that was common practice. Of course they had them, but they just weren't, uh, they didn't get tickets for them.

The bad news is we're only getting stronger. As the world unravels, we've only got more to say.

Alright, here's to Nichols. Get out of here.

Ow! I like it.

Guys, I don't know.

I don't know.

Stop summoning them. What are you doing?

I will.

Is this a joke? No. Fine. Let's do a riddle.

Fine. Can we do a riddle? Yes, fine.

Can we do a sentence and do a riddle? Just don't say those three words.

I don't know if I told you guys but I saw the wildest thing I was out walking my dog in my neighborhood and there was an old woman who was on like the corner and she had like a cup like a to-go cup and I was walking my dog up the block and then I was walking back and she was still out there standing like maybe like five or ten minutes but I was like is she waiting for a car or something but then I saw the male person come and like she that male person gave her the mail and she gave them like the hot cup of whatever she had and I was like This lady, I think this lady is just standing out here waiting for the male person to be like, here's your coffee, Joe.

Oh my God. Do you think they're in love?

I think I, yeah, it must be. It must be that. I need to see that scene. They gotta get married on a Sunday. Yeah. Okay. So what we will see a scene. So Michael, you will be the, uh, That's what I said.

What? Yeah, let him sit this one out. He tried desperately to dodge it.

Michael, you will be a guy... I'm gonna be the audience. You'll be a guy walking his dog. You'll be a guy walking his dog. You're not part of this, but you do get to see it. I'm just silently walking my dog. Erin, you're going to be the mail delivery person in Adal. You are waiting for the mail delivery person to try to show that you are a person that could be interested in them.

Hi.

Hi, good morning.

Sorry to be in the bushes here. I just wanted to catch you.

Sorry, that was a delayed fear.

No, yeah, of course.

I got some mail for you.

I have some breakfast for you.

Oh, um, I would love to. I mean, I have to deliver all these letters by... I can do it.

Do you want to sit on my porch and eat breakfast while I run your route?

That's so sweet of you. Let me just give you some of your mail here. Your STD test results. Oh, that's not what you think. That's not what you think.

STD stands for South Tennessee Democrats. Wink.

Okay.

And what was the other one you said? Lonely person magazine. Yeah, that stands for large. Organs never entirely leave you.

Hold on. I don't judge people's mail. You don't have to worry.

I'm a lonely little herpes man.

What? Sorry, I didn't hear you just then. You could probably change what you just said.

I was just singing a song. The chain. Listen, I have a letter. Do you dictate? Is that a term? Can I read to you a letter I want to send?

Sure.

From part to your name.

Okay.

Every morning, I see you out the window.

Wait, hold on. I have one more letter for you. Oh, interesting. Wonder who it's from.

Okay. You are positive for herpes.

Oh shit, sorry, I had to do the wrong letter. This one.

Okay. Dear 417 East Second Street. From Anonymous.

Yeah, who could it be?

Deliver me, baby.

That's not from me. No, this is also the wrong letter.

I'm sorry, that's from me. Hey man, are you gonna clean up your dog's shit? Your dog's been shit on every lawn of this block. Oh, I'll get a broom.

What is covered in holes but still holds water?

Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf. Honestly, he works. He's still working.

Three points awarded each.

What is covered in holes and something? What was it with water?

What is covered in holes, but still holds water?

Submarine. Leaky submarine. Holds water. What is covered in holes? Oh, a sponge.

A sponge is correct. I would like to see a scene. JPC, you are a sponge. In Adal, you are a dirty plate.

Ma'am, I don't mean to get caught up in any sort of fight with you, but do I get a point for getting the answer right?

Yes, one point awarded.

I would like to have Adal's last comment, a sponge from the record, please.

A sponge, sponge, sponge.

Riddle, don't give yourself 10 points.

Thank you. Now I'm in the green.

Wait, who's the sponge in this scene?

JPC, you are a sponge and Adal, you are a dirty plate.

Uh-oh. You see this? Looks like I got some crusty little sauce.

Yep, dishwasher's right over there. It's actually, you can just throw them in the dishwasher now. You don't have to... Yeah.

Oh, but the dishwasher is broken.

It's not broken. Cleans it at a very high heat.

I'm gonna scrub off my crusty little fucking sauce.

Actually more water-efficient to use the dishwasher. Should I just throw it right in there?

Oh, water-efficient? Is that why I'm so wet?

It's already full, you're not, you're just crusty. It's full of... Full of crusty little creatures just like you. Just hop your ass right into the treasure.

I must be made of china cuz I'm foying. Don't you agree?

Nope, we got no, we're out of dish soap up here. So, we're out of dish soap over here. There's plenty of detergent.

I guess you'll have to do it raw.

We'll not be doing it raw. We'll not be doing it raw.

Sponge me daddy. Can't.

Won't happen.

Look. Scrub me daddy.

And I'm on break and it's union too. So we're pretty strict about these breaks.

Oh, you want to break me? Yeah, chip me first. Chip me. Fucking chip me.

Yeah, actually just kind of push you closer to the edge of the counter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my God, I didn't mean to actually do it. Wow, that's a long fall.

I came. Scene.

It's a plastic plate.

Six points awarded each for staying on premise and making me laugh.

I want to see a scene. The three of you are little cats inside your pregnant mother's tummy, and the three of you are just kind of like talking big about when you were finally born, all the big things you're going to kind of accomplish and do.

What are you guys going to do when you get out?

I'm going to see my girl. I'm going to finally ask her to marry me.

Good day, Lucky. I didn't know you had a girl back home.

Yeah, I got a girl out there. I can't wait to see her. Oh man, I can't wait.

What about you guys? Tell us about her, Lucky. Tell us about her.

Oh man, where to begin? The legs. Legs shaped like, ooh, what a cat leg shaped like. Yeah, like chicken bones. A tail, long as a tail. Soft as fur, soft as fur, and a little kitty nose as cold as ice. You guys are going to love her.

Ooh, Lucky, she sounds great.

Yeah, what are you guys going to do when we finally get out?

I'm going to go back to school.

Wow! What are you going to study?

What are you going to study, Jacko? I'm going to finally learn how to be a mechanic.

Incredible, Jacko. Your dream. You love cars, Jacko.

Yeah, Jacko, nothing you like better than... That's why we call you Jacko, because you jack up those cars and you fix them.

Yeah, and I... Oh, when it's cold out and those engines are hot, you know I love to crawl under that hood.

Careful, Jacko. Careful. That's how your dad went.

Yeah, well, I ain't nothing like my dad.

Ow, Jacko!

Let me go! Now leave him alone, Jacko! You take it back.

You take it back. I takes it back. I takes it back.

All right.

What about you, Dreamer? What do you want to do when you get out of here? Me?

It's stupid. It's nothing. Forget about it.

No, tell us. No, tell us.

Okay. I'm gonna kill James Gordon.

This is the movie he made about us?

Because of the movie he made about us. I think what he did to Cats is a travesty, so I'm gonna kill that dude. Why stop at James Gordon?

Kill the whole cast.

No, the blame lies solely with Gordon. Gordon did what he did.

I would like to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Oh no, no, it's too late. I'm so sorry. JPC, you are a guy who just hit a home run and you're really milking it. When you get around it, you're just like walking real slow. You're really making a meal out of it.

Okay, okay. Oh, it's out of here. Going, going, gone. That is 378 feet. Oh my God. Is that a home run?

Is that a home run? Uh, yeah. Go ahead. That is? Yep. We can be sure. Yep. Okay. Go ahead.

I take the basis. William seems to be having a conversation with the ump.

I take the basis, huh? Yeah. Okay. Uh, hold on real quick before I start walking. Um, catcher. You're talking about your shit right before I hit that ball. You gotta do the same now? No. I mean, no. I actually got something for you.

Oh, and he's taking out his phone. He's taking a selfie.

I'm gonna send this to your wife. I'm gonna send this to your wife. So that's what a home run baseball player does. Fuck you both. Fuck you both. Fuck me? Yeah, you held me down for two- What are you gonna do? Take the run away? It's impossible. I already hit it. I'm walking.

I'm going. Oh man, go.

I'm going. Oh, big struts. Big struts. Howard Williams is down on his belly and he's crawling on his hands and knees as if he's half asleep. I'm the alligator man.

I'm going to first base. Hey. Anyone in the audience? Anyone in the audience in this baseball game? $100 to bring me a Pepsi right now. I give you a crisp $100 bills to bring me.

And it seems like Williams thinks that the stands can hear him. Of course, he's too far away. $100 bill.

Dude, I'm the first baseman and it took you way too long to get over here. Just go. Go, dude.

You're the first baseman? Try hard and maybe you'll get laid one day, pal. Boom! I actually got some up here. So mean.

Williams took out a cordless mic and seems to be telling slams and jokes about the first baseman.

What is it, man?

It's a selfie. You're gonna send this to your wife. Maybe she'll see what it's like to have a home run baseball player at home.

Anyway. This is so mean.

You're a clown. See you later. I touch the base. Walk into second.

While when Williams is taking a Nutrigrain bar out of his pocket, it seems like he stopped for a little snack between first and second. He's taking out a Capri Sun.

Stay hydrated. You gotta stay hydrated.

Looks like he can't find the... He can't find purchase into the Capri Sun. We all know we have trouble with that.

They make the goddamn thing so fucking hard to... Ah!

Got it! And the crowd is going wild for William's finding purchase in the Capri Sun. He's moonwalking the second.

Oh, yeah. Don't respect the artist, but do respect the art form, just so everybody knows.

I cannot believe how long it took you to get to second base, dude. Just go.

Just go what? Go to your wife's house? Go to your wife's house? Let me give you a little selfie. Send that to her. Okay, what's your number? I don't have your number.

And William seems to be fueling up the second baseman. I feel like it's some sort of joke about getting to second base, but the crap is going wild.

You're gonna get this all the time. I get it. I get it. It's funny. Now go.

He gets the joke? Alright, okay. To third then?

Yeah, go. Get out of here, man.

Quick stop to home plate.

Punch the pitcher in the dick. And the stands are starting to empty. People are treating this as if Paul McCartney's playing his new stuff.

All right, I'm going to third. I'm going to third. Don't worry about it. Going to third. Actually, I'm going to do a quick run. Get a hot dog. I'm going to get a hot dog. So give me one second. Hey, save my spot. Just kidding.

Can you get me a hot dog, man?

Yeah, I'll get you a hot dog. Let me just take a picture.

William's just putting down a corner almost like he's golfing and moving his ball out of the way.

I'll get you a hot dog to take a selfie. Say that to your wife. There's a hot dog right there.

Hot dog baseball player.

You're hungry? You're hungry? Well I got two hot dogs right here.

And Williams is eating two hot dogs at the same time. He's getting inside a Mitsubishi Lancer and he's driving donuts around the third basement.

Dude, please! I take these Lancer keys, I whip a bit at the audience, someone just wants a Lancer. That guy just wants a Lancer. Okay, touch third. And going to home?

Oh, looks like Williams is leaving the stadium. Oh, he's walking a few blocks to, I believe, where his condominium resides. He's putting the keys in the door. He can't find purchase in the lock.

Come on, motherfucker. They make you think so. God damn hard to fu- Oh, there it is. Wait a minute!

What's that? The ump is- The ump is telling us that it was actually a foul ball. That didn't count at all.

Folks, I'm sorry that I missed that. I'm going to resign today.

I'm already home. I'm not going back. Turn off all the lights.

Now you have no time to prepare. This just has to be instantaneous and I'll call on one of you to go first. Oh, please. I'm going to give one point to whoever does the best Adal impression.

Erin, go ahead and go first. I'm so sorry that you got my order wrong. I did it.

I like that I'm always being hit in the stomach.

And I'm Adal Rifai.

Great.

Thank you, Erin. Oh yeah, baby.

That's a front runner for sure. That is for sure a front runner. JPC is now your turn.

I apologize. No, it's my fault. I'm so sorry. I never meant to touch your face in a way that you didn't want your face to be touched. I was under the impression that I was vacationing in the poker nose.

Oh, that is uncanny.

I poked their nose. You even include a pun. I apologize for a pun. Wow. This is a toss up. You both get two points.

Yes, thank God.

You both captured different elements of me.

I do want to see a scene. Oh, please.

Erin, you are a high schooler, you recently got in trouble, and instead of detention, your high school is implementing a new program where you have to take new English, and that's a class created and taught by JPC.

Hello? I've never been in this classroom.

Don't turn the lights on. It's taped shut for a reason. Don't turn the lights on. Hey, you are Kelly?

Yeah, I can't see where you are in the room. I thought that this part of the school was under construction.

It technically is and it technically always shall be. Don't worry about that, Kelly.

I don't deserve to be here.

Well, I was framed. You were running in the halls. You were caught.

I was framed. Everyone else was walking in slow motion and it made me look like I was running.

Be that, be that as it is. No, they were trying to do a Harlem Shake video. We all know they were trying to do a Harlem Shake video.

Yeah, so it made it look like I was running. I can run on this. I have a broken ankle. You think I can run? I was moving this right speed.

It doesn't matter, Kelly. Kelly, it doesn't matter because now you're in Mr. Dementia's class and we're going to be doing New English, okay?

So you're here for 40. I never even heard of you.

What's that?

I never even heard of you. You're not on the teacher roster.

That's honestly the way that I like it because I still draw a salary, but I'm like, I'm like the most known unknown if that makes sense.

No, you're not in the yearbook and no one knows who you are.

We cut to the first day of school where the teachers roster is announced.

That's starting library.

Half German woman from North Carolina, Betty Anderson.

Cut again? I didn't even make the list? Bullshit. At math teacher, a six, seven,

Cut back to present time.

So anyways, I don't know who you are.

Well, we're going to be learning new grammar. And like I said, I'm Mr. Dementia. Please sit down and take your seat.

I can't find any seats.

It doesn't matter.

It's dark.

That's the first lesson. Just sit on the floor. Now today we're going to think about conjugation. So normally the way that we would... No, I'm not talking about when your dad gets to have sex with your mom at the jail yard. I'm talking about creating verbs out of... I have little spiders everywhere you will find. I'm talking about creating words out of the ether. So what is the English word for running, to run?

Running.

Correct. That's the old grammar way to say it. But with my method, you take the word running, R-U-N-N-I-N-G. You take the I-N-G, which is called the gerund, or the subjective part of pretzel, and you put it at the beginning of the word. Part of the pretzel? So that word running then becomes

Enron.

Enron. What does enron sound like? Enron. What happened with enron? A huge scandal. What do you run with? You can't run with sandals. So, in order to say running a new grammar, we say, I can't run. I'm wearing sandals. Do you see how it's easier?

Yeah, I think I'm getting it.

Now you're getting it Kelly.

Then like three hours passed. Wow, that was the best attention I ever had. Thank you for teaching me new grammar or should I say... Oh.

I feel like that's exactly how the internet class would go.

Thanks for taking me to New Grammar, or as I should say... You get home and you're like, Mom, Dad, I learned New Grammar today. New Grammar? What's that? Oh. Oh. I don't know. No, I didn't.

I talked to a crazy man. Oops. I humored a man for three hours. So, JPC, whenever you are ready, you're going to rap for Daddy.

Okay, and I assume that we have prepped the backing track?

Yes, I have.

Okay, great. Thank you, Casey. Okay, whenever you're ready, Casey.

Here we go. This is JPC's Rap for Daddy, Eddie.

Whoa.

Yo, his name is Adal. You spell that A-D-A-I. That's right. He's up in the sky because he can fly. With the best of them, put the shrimp on the sandwich. Po-boy pimp. He likes to eat it when he's in New Orleans. Uh-oh. What's he, Dorlands? He's going door to door with a smile, knocking on the door, saying, stay a while. My name's Adal. Can I apologize to you? Can I buy you a gift that's true? And he can. You know that he can. Adal. He's the gift by a man. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. That was fantastic. JBC, I want to say that's going to be impossible, almost impossible to beat. Erin, are you ready? I think so. I think so too.

Now Adal, I got something to slip. Are you familiar with the movie The Wedding Singer? Oh yes. So there's an old woman in The Wedding Singer who is training for months because her husband, her having the big anniversary and she wants to sing her husband a song.

He be, he be, hop.

Erin knew what was going to happen. She knew what was coming up your birthday. Around December of last year she reached out to me and she said, JPC, I'd love to take some rapping lessons. And I said, Erin? I would love to give them to you. We have been working weekly on rapping lessons since December. For this rap Erin's about to do? That is six months of rapping lessons and Erin is about to take it to the streets. So Casey, please drop the beats.

Talking about my friend, Adal Rifai. If you see him on the street, make sure you say hi. If you need a ride, he'll take you super far. He wouldn't want to stop at a tiki bar. The best part of his freaking little life is his beautiful new awesome wife. If he's your friend, don't be scared, because he'll be your friend at the very end. If he's your friend, don't be scared. Adal. Adal Rifai. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye.

Hi Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe. And I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect, Erin, because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo, so it's a lot of goo. So, are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store where you can sell your products online, whether it's physical, like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might. Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that. Okay, because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry. I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in a cat costume.

No, no, no. Remember? There's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you. Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GPC, we can do this.

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume is 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it. We miss you boy, get better soon. I miss you Adal.

Students, faculty, parents, listeners, and uninvited perverts. It is my honor today to welcome you to Hey Riddle Riddle High School's Graduation. As you know, I am Erin Keif, the principal here at Hey Riddle Riddle High School. Four short years ago in July of 2018, you started this journey to become a better riddle solver, improviser, and podcast host. We blinked and now we're here. July of 2022. It's time to celebrate all the work you did over the last four years and look forward to the bright future ahead. In a moment, I will invite our valedictorian, salutatorian, and our class president to make a speech. But for now, I want to talk to you about some of our most treasured memories in the brief history of the class of 2022. We took field trips to Riddle City. We defeated Dr. Chameleon time and time again. We had amazing guests make us laugh. We sang like the Swedish chef, met JP Riddles, and begged Smacks the Frog to not fuck our moms. Our soccer team won the state tournament. We met our soulmate Janet. These four years were not free from challenges and obstacles though. For many recordings in 2019, we would keep accidentally locking each other out of the studio when someone went to the bathroom. You'd have to hope you brought your phone to the bathroom and say something like, Hey, I'm locked out by accident. Can you come and get me? Or if you didn't have your phone, you had to bang on the door like a maniac. Erin never really knew when it was time to record. This was only made worse when recording became remote during the pandemic. Is the recording at 1pm or 3pm? Erin would say. JPC would look at his phone, close his eyes, feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, and patiently text back, the recording's at 3. We're doing a main feed and a Patreon. Adal held answers to Riddle hostage. JPC gave birth to Pretzel Jesus, and Erin had a weird clicking sound on her audio for over a year that drove Casey insane. These dark moments only made the good times seem even sweeter and adequately prepared every host for the real world. I want to thank the guests of honor today, our listeners. You found us in unusual ways. Some of you typed in riddles into the podcast app, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, thinking that this would be a real riddle podcast. Some of you got forced to listen to us by your weird brother or significant other, silently resenting them for introducing this poison into your life. Some of you heard us mentioned in passing by the podcast My Brother, My Brother and Me and thought, I guess I'll listen to a Riddle podcast. I trust Justin. Maybe you're here from Dungeons and Daddies. Maybe you're a fan of Cunt the Badger. Maybe this downloaded on your phone on its own like the U2 album. No matter how you got here, you're here now. And the curse states that you're not allowed to leave us until 2027, when JPC dies after he gets killed by the followers of his own sex cult. Thank you for listening, and let's get started. I'd like to welcome our valedictorian, Adal Rifai, to the podium for his speech.

Thank you, Erin. And just to piggyback on what you're saying about the bathrooms in the old studio, I remember a time where mid-scene, mid-sentence, sometimes even mid-Erin sentence, Erin would bolt upright in her chair as if possessed by Vecna and say, I have to go to the bathroom. No warning. No holding her urine. Just simply bolting out of her chair and running out of the studio. Hello future lizards. Hello all you Kevins and Susies. And hello to all you Sevens and Koozies. We solved it. We really solved it all. Who would have thought we'd be here now? All of you are raising your hands, huh? Fuck me, okay? Four years is something special. It's something unforgettable, but in the end, seems right. I hope you had the time of your life. And as we go on, we remember all the puzzles we had together. As our lives change, come whatever, we will still be hosts forever. And when you get the chance to sit it out or solve, I hope you solve. I hope you solve. Solve like nobody's watching. And trust me on the sunscreen. And now please welcome to the stage your salutator.

Thank you Adal. Most of that was plagiarized. Please find your seat.

I don't understand.

And please welcome to the stage now your salutatorian Janet Varney.

Hey, thanks everybody. It feels so good to be here. Like most salutatorians, I feel like I don't really deserve to be here. I didn't know I was going to be asked to make a speech. Salutatorian is second best GPA in the class. I feel like many would argue that's a weird thing to draw attention to. And it's kind of like drawing attention to the fact that I'm the supposed fourth host of the podcast. Many of you may not want to ever hear me refer to as that again. So from now on you can think of me as, Hey Riddle Riddles, Class of 2022, Salutatorian. I've been so happy to show up, not just as a guest on this podcast, but as a fan. I cannot believe how prevalent Cookie Monster still is in each and every one of these guys' lives. He comes up fucking all the time. I get it. Cookie Monster didn't know how to eat cookies, but you can't use that to get out of every scene. Anyway, to the uninvited perverts in the audience, I just want to say, I don't think it's cool that you got welcomed, even if her principal felt like she wanted to be magnanimous. Please, keep listening to the podcast, but stop being a pervert. Finally, I'd like to dedicate the rest of my speech to three people you may not even have heard of, unless you're lucky enough to be a member of the Patreon audience. Flores Plomp, Beverly Condolences, and Felix Misingson. For bringing me six hours of uninterrupted joy that I listened to on a road trip to and from Santa Barbara, I really feel like I understand relationships now. What I don't fucking understand is word avalanches. I got to go. Peace out.

Thank you, Janet. We'll have someone do a mental health check on you later. Definitely don't have a complex. You can probably tell by that speech she was actually the salutatorian of her graduating class. Now let's welcome to the stage.

I just thought of something.

You thought of another thing from your speech?

It's just a funny little joke. Just when Janet said GPA, I was thinking in my head real fast I did the math and GPA could stand for great penis at all.

Well I'm really happy I'm covering the microphone with my hand. Can you move your hand? No, I can walk. That's fair. And I want to welcome to the stage Mr. Popular himself, our class president, JPC.

What's up? From the beer commercials. Look, the administration said I only have three minutes. I'm taking six. No, but seriously, what a fucking year. Oops. Guess I can't curse. I get two, Mr. Majakamo. I get two. Anyway, we've had a lot of fun. Okay, this was a great year and I would be remiss if I left this stage without shouting out, my boys, the dog pack. Here we go. Doogie. You know what you did. The hooge. Where you at? Bartlett, Gonzo, Bucky Nuckets, Sinkman. Yeah, Sinkman. We all know why you're called Sinkman. Piss in the sink. You eat piss in the sink. Slutty Jeff, Riblo, Picky Kricks, Narco, Pogo Stick, Pogo Stuck, Schmallow, Little Nicky, and of course... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you mean. He does a great impression. And of course, my boy, R.I.P., Hanzy Pelosi. Hanzy Pelosi, I know you're up there in heaven. I know you're up there in heaven because angels need to fly, man, man, because angels need to fly. I said I wasn't gonna get emotional. I said I wasn't gonna get emotional. Fuck! I get two, Mr. Majakamo! I get two! I get two, Mr. Majakamo. That's my two. That's my two, and that's my time. Oh wait, no it's not. I also want to shout out some of my favorite teachers. You know you did the work. I'm not easy. I'm not easy. I'm a handful. Uh oh. JPC's in my class. It's gonna be a hard year. You teach yourself the real heroes, okay? You guys do the Lord's work every day. Every day. In and out. In and out. You deserve pay raises. Make it happen Mr. Majunkomo. You can do it. He drives a Bentley. That's a $250,000 car. What's he doing? Teachers are the real heroes. Mrs. Rendles, I never knew how to pronounce your name. Where does D go? Where does the D go? Mrs. Rendles, you're the bomb.

At the end, and only the end.

You learned something new. You keep teaching me. Dr. Dracula. I know that you're not a doctor. I know that's not your name. But you had Gushers at lunch my freshman year. Now everybody calls you Dr. Dracula. Keep being you, man. You're great. I gotta give it up to Professor Salsa. Again, very similar story. Salsa on his shirt. Salsa on his shirt.

Day one.

Mrs. Montebello. Mrs. Montebello. Everybody in school wanted to bang you. And now... Some of us can.

I'm 86 years old and that means the world to me.

It's great. Our gym coach, Mr. Trampolina. Mr. Trampolina, sorry for jumping on you. The bus driver. The bus driver, Mr. Yigapopoulos. Mr. Yigapopoulos, you drive a mean bus. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, our executive chef, Chicory Hoth. Chicory. You've got to tell me what's in those nuggets, man. They the bob.com never change. Chicken and paprika. Nurse Espiritua, thank you so much. I found that your compassion was never ending. Mr. Pandatonimo, AKA Panda Time. We loved having you in class. And then I got to give it up to Vice Principal Perfeculo. Vice Principal Perfeculo. I know I wasn't easy! I ripped his mask off so many times, and look, all I gotta say All I gotta say is I've had the time of my life here and I can't wait for the after party at my dad's funeral home. He is out of town for the whole weekend. He's at a big funeral home convention.

So the party's at- Can we go in the basement?

We can go anywhere. We can go anywhere. And you know who can't tell us anything? Mr. Fucking Majakamo. I already used my dude. Take me away, Majakamo. Take me away.

Thank you, JPC. And again, sorry to Hanzi Pelosi's parents. We're so sorry for your loss this year. We do have some bad news. Sorry, everyone. During the speeches, it did become clear that no one has become a better Riddle Solver, Improvisor, podcast host, or person in the four years of this podcast. So legally we have to start freshman year over again, starting right now. Don't! No! No! Do not throw your caps up in the air. Stop it. Stop it. No. Don't. Don't. Everyone walk single file back into the podcast studio. Let's start the episode. No celebrating. Did she freeze those caps in mid-air? That was crazy.

I'm real. She's magical.

Back to the studio. And up it says here, we don't deserve Janet. We blew it. We don't deserve Janet anymore. Maybe in four years we'll earn her as a full time host. I'm beside myself. Adal, get inside. I'm so sorry. One day will deserve you.

That's fine. Can I see where it says that? You just said it says here, but was it clear? Was it in the studio? Was it on this Klondike bar wrapper? It's always on the Klondike bar wrapper.

It's on the inside of it, yeah.

Excuse me, local pervert here? I would do anything for that.

Get out of here.

All right. Dearest Gloria, I write you from the front of the war. I miss your tender touch and your kisses. I miss our late night chats until we fall asleep by the fireplace. Someday soon I will meet you again. I'll be running up the front path all the way to the doorstop, and I'll grab you in my arms, carry you inside, and make love to you all night long. I can't wait to reunite you. Scratch that out. Can't re-nate to... Scratch that out. Can't wait to reunite with you. Oh, all these gunshots are really shaking my nerves. I'll be home safe soon. Love you, Charles.

My dearest Charles, Hey, your letter was a real mess.

Lots of scratches out, tears stained, blood stained, food stained? I think I smelled some sauce.

Things are the same here, just dreaming of you coming back and lightly touching me by the fire. We're bored here, there's 12 children and I'm not teaching any of them to read. I love you very much, your dearest, Gloria.

My name is Gloria. What up, what up, what up? It's me, Pickles. I write to you from the back of the war. It's chill back here. Pretty low key. No gunshots. Most of the war's already kind of run down. Anyway, girl, damn, I got you on my mind. What can I say? I miss the fire. Remember how I would fucking just throw lighter fluid in the fire and go, oh man, it would be so fucking big, man. Oh Gloria, God, what were the name of those pies we used to eat? Oh, I want one of those pies so bad. Anyway, I've been robbing corpses. Uh, luck later baby pickles.

My dearest Gloria. It has been 28 days since my last letter, and I have not received a reply. I miss when you used to send me those terrible riddles. I wish you would send me some more. Speaking of terrible, have I told you about someone in my company named Pickles? He was supposed to be at the front of the war, but like a coward, he ran back and has set up camp way way way way way back in the war. He has three guns, so nobody dares to say anything to him, because we don't know what he'll do, but if you want to write back, that would be great, but if not, I guess... I guess we're done? I guess... Am I supposed to take the hints? So, are we, like, free to see other people? I just want to know what the rules are, so I don't mess this up. Let me know. Love. Always. Charles.

To my Charles and Pickles. Boys, I am writing you both at the same time to put this mess to an end.

Yes, I have been seeing both of you. Yes, I have been sending you both sex letters, which is sexting but letters. Yes, half of the children are pickles. The ones who run amok are pickles, and the ones who sit quietly are trousers. But I have come to my decision and I have picked one of you.

My dearest Gloria, you're probably writing your letter right now.

Wait, my letter wasn't done. I didn't even get to finish the letter.

Oh, you go. You go.

I pick pickles. I will offer. You know what, Charles? You're going to interrupt my letter? I pick pickles. Unbelievable.

Pickles, you're up. In anticipation of your letter about pickles, unbelievable.

My dearest Charles, glad we finally cut the dead weight. Me and you been boning like it's nobody's business. I love this war.

Why did he send this to me?

I got three guns I cannot read. My name is Pickles. I'm at the back of the war. I used to love Gloria. I'm never gonna pay for those kids. I'm crazy as shit. I rob corpses. Pickles?

Why did he send me this? What? You can't read. What is he even doing with my letters?

What actor does the voice of an evil cyborg?

Evil cyborg. Voice. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Lily James Invader.

I'd say the most famous, one of the most famous lines in cinema.

I'll be back. Weesa gonna die?

Yeah. Yes, Adal.

Frankly, my darling, Whis is going to die.

Yes.

God with the binks.

Adal, Adal just, um, I just, it's basically, have you guys ever seen it phone charge itself? Adal just completely re-energized himself with his own joke.

I don't know why, but inserting charger binks in the classic movies just really tickled me.

Yeah, we're going to get a text in two hours. I know how this goes. Adal's going to think of a hundred of these and then we have to deal with the text.

What else? What else? If I only had to think, what else? What else?

Welcome to the great Hey Riddle Riddle University. If you walk with me this way, we'll get to see some of the campus's most beautiful spots. To our right is the Casey Tony School of Audio Engineering. Wow. Are any of you interested in studying that when you get here? No, no, no. Great.

Um... Kind of want to be more like, um, uh, on, on, on Mike Talent. Yeah, on Mike would be great.

Great. Then you, young sir, might like JPC's School of Bullshit. You sort of have to be a filled with nonsense, insane unhinged person in order to get into that school. You have to fail a lot of tests to get in.

Love that for him, not necessarily something that I'm interested in.

I'm interested.

Okay. Motherfucker piss cousin. I'm more interested in something a little more conventional. I don't know if this university has something for me.

You might like the crown jewel of our campus, the Adal Rifai library of puns. It is gorgeous inside there. You have to say sorry three times to get in. That's the secret password. If you go to your right. Can we get a question?

I'm sorry. No, we're in the library of puns. Do you mind if I grab a book off the shelf and just, let's see. Okay, great. Grab this book off the shelf. Oh, it's an audio book. No, it's an audio book. So there will be a brief audio message that will be played. And this book is called, it's T. I'm in the T section. This looks like it's tractors. So it's like tractors in the T section. And then it's just like, and then also it's a pun, so it has to be cross-referenced.

Are you sure you're not interested in the JPC's bullshit?

I'm not. And I'm not interested necessarily in the puns goal. I'm just trying to set up what, cause correct me if I'm wrong, other kid on the tour. Does this make sense that it would be tractors and then there would be another pun to like cross reference? So does that make sense? Hey man, why are you doing this? You don't even know if we're gonna go to school here. You're right, I'll put it back. We'll never get to hear what the tractor probably may have been.

I know this is what the parents want to hear, but we think safety comes first here at Hey Riddle Riddle University. Ma'am, can I be honest?

I balked because I thought he was saying he grabbed a book and it was a tea book and a tractor book and I thought there was going to be some sort of brewed tea and tractor pun cross hybrid and I was terrified. But now I understand you meant the letter T section.

I see. Yeah, it was like the letter T. I picked up the book that said tractor. Well, let's go back. Let's go back. You want to go back? Let's just open up this. It's the same book. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry. This is a completely different section. This is P and this is a book that says pirate ship. So I'll open this one up and planks for nothing. Okay. So I don't want to go to this school of puns, but I get the appeal.

I thought Planks for Nothing was pretty good.

I liked it, but again, I'm not a pod guy.

Sorry, I haven't been working this tour for weeks. Can I continue?

Sorry, ma'am, can we go back to the tractor book? I just feel like that would be... That would really sell me.

No, it's too late. It's too late.

Well, ma'am, I did bring the book, so I do have it here.

Okay, go ahead.

I'll just crack it open. It's the tractor book, and let's just crack it open now, and... John, dear, time to get up.

Hmm. Huh.

All that for that.

Great. No, hold on. There's got to be a better one. Turn the pages, turn the pages. Okay, just a couple pages, shuffle the pages. Here we go. Oh, sweetie, I tractor my pants.

Can I just leave the book on the ground here or do I have to go back to- Yeah, you can just leave it right on the ground. Wait, there's got to be, shake it out, shake it out. All right, let me shake the book out. Something's wrong. And then one more on the tractor book.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Honey, it's cold outside. It's time to put on my harvest.

Okay, I like that one. Will that make it better?

So as I was saying, safety always comes first here at Hey Riddle Riddle University, which is why we have a place for what the students can go if they get hurt or sick.

Why did you look at me when you said safety first? Just because I have these Wolverine claws?

Yeah, I was just wondering if what you were planning on doing with those and if you think you're going to run and get impaled. Is there anything else you'd like to see on the campus or it doesn't seem like you either of you are that interested in coming?

You said it was the Erin Keif dentist office or something?

What did you say? It's a nurse's office. Oh, I want to see that.

Oh, yeah. Do you mind if we take a quick peek inside?

Actually, it's a lot of people who have had very embarrassing injuries and I just don't want to really...

Oh, we simply must take it.

We must see.

I feel like it's going to be some of the highlights.

We can pop in and then you can name what you see. Just a quick peek in. Go ahead.

Okay. Wow. Oh, it's a treasure trove. Look at all this. Look at that. It appears to be a woman who was cleaning a fish tank and got sucked inside.

To me? I didn't say that. That's a Casey Tony soundboard. That timing was insane.

That building was beat away. Oh, I think I see, is that a woman working in a, I want to say a Marshall's? And she, something happened where her shirt came off and a man commented on it.

Nordstrom and it was a full shirt opened up and one of her tits fell out. Thank you, that's the best moment of my life. Shut the skirt, it doesn't matter. Anywhere else on the campus that you'd like to see?

Hold on, I see some more stuff in this room.

Leave them alone!

There's someone shitting their pants in a New York hotel room.

That's the last episode! That's not even fair!

Huh. Yeah, I mean, we can, honestly, we can really make a meal out of this room. This one seems like it is, uh, oh, wow. This is wild. I never thought I'd see something like this in this room. This is another one of the pun books from the library. This one is S and it's for snakes. And I'll just go ahead and open up snakes and it says, uh, poison. This one says, can I ask you a question? I don't know why the audio voice wasn't working on that one.

Kind of changed mid pun.

Yeah. So, snakes. Let me just go to a different page on snakes.

I'll open this one up. Red and yellow, killer fellow. Red and black, friend of Jack. Okay, so maybe this book is- That seems more like advice for the difference between a corn snake and a coral snake.

It doesn't seem like either of you are qualified to get in here. I don't think you probably have the test scores. But it's sweet of you for coming out today, so thank you.

No, and I am, just for clarification, I'm a 33-year-old man, so I probably should not be going to- Yeah, you gotta get the hell out of here. Yeah, okay, okay. Hey, speaking of new things, we have just enough time in the show for a couple of brand new segments that I have introduced to the show. And each one of these segments has a little bit of a theme song. So Casey, you want to hit that first theme song? Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle, I want to get calls on the voicemail and I'll hit play. Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle, I wanna get the calls on the voicemail. And I'll hit play. And I'll hit play. All right, thank you.

I was expecting to look over to you singing, but that's pre-recorded.

Welcome to the Hey Riddle Riddle Voice.

How many takes? How many takes?

You can always send a voice. You can always send a voicemail. Give us a call at 805Riddle1. That's 805Riddle1 to leave a little message for us on the Hey Riddle Riddle voicemail. Hey, you might even get your message featured on the show now. Since I just announced this on the show today, we don't have any messages because no one has left the message yet. Is that a real number? Actually, Casey, we do have a number. Can we play our first message, Casey?

So, what do I say? It's the Hey Riddle Riddle voicemail. You can say whatever you want. You're just reading the message for the show. Just like the message? Yeah.

I mean, say hi to Adal or Erin or me or something.

Okay, well then this message is for Erin Keif. So if you're not Erin Keif, please don't listen. This is an anonymous fan, and I just want to say I've got a really big old crush on you.

It's not cool to do that, even though I'm glad you told the show that people hear it. Just hang up.

It's not... Call here in the room. Riddle. Riddle.

Okay, so that was our first message.

A crush on me?

It sounded like your wife. I guess don't call the show if you have a crush on a person. Those aren't really the... Unless it's me. Look, you can call the show if you just want to leave a message, want to say something to us, or if you want to leave us a riddle, you can do that as well. Just make sure that you leave some space before you say the answer.

So that wasn't your wife, Mariah?

So I don't know who that was. I don't know who could have gotten that number. Again, that number is 805-Riddle-1. Leave us a message on the Riddle line, on the Hey Riddle Riddle line. Is this real? Is this a real thing? Yeah, it's the Hey Riddle Riddle line. It's season two. Huh. Yeah.

What was the number again? I think suspicious of the amount of work you've done for this episode.

It's 805-Riddle-1. It's the Hey Riddle Riddle line. It's season two. We have a new phone line. You can call and leave us a message. I think I can also text message from this number. So I might, hey, I might text you. I might call you back. Uh, but you never know. You never know what might happen, but leave us a number on the old Riddle line. Again, that number one more time is 805 Riddle 1. And what's the actual number?

Cause I don't want to figure out what Riddle is in numbers.

I don't care. You gotta, it's branding for us. I didn't get 805 Riddle 1 just to list out the real fucking number.

Okay. I'll figure it out, maybe.

So, uh, Adal, Adal just gave it a call. It seems like he's maybe leaving another message. I can delete these messages off the voicemail. Oh. Does it just ring until somebody answers?

Hey, thanks for calling Hey Riddle Riddle.

It's real.

Hey, this is Adal or not. I'm sorry. This is anonymous. Fuck you.

All right. That's a really great example of a call that you don't want to leave on the Riddle line. You don't want to say that you don't say fuck you to the host. It's nice. Messages are going to be the ones that get played. So that's the Riddle line again. Sorry. We don't have more voicemails to play. I just, I hadn't, I hadn't given people, I hadn't given people the number yet. So that's why we, we didn't have more. Can I tweet out this number? Hey, thanks for talking.

Hi, this is Veronica Peppermans calling with your test results. You're going to want to give me a call back fast because you have a sex rash and a butt rash and a face rash. It's all the same rash. Please call me back at 123-U-R-CRAZY. This has been Veronica Peppermints. I have a frog named Mr. Millionaire.

Goodbye. Okay. I also got another one here on my phone just popped up says, Hey, this is Casey. I mean anonymous. I was trying to get my call in before Adal, but I failed. Sorry. Fuck you. So this is working really well.

So great minds think alike. Well, great minds fuck alike. I'm sorry.

But don't leave messages like that. Leave real riddles.

Yeah, so there's three examples of messages that you don't need to leave, but you can call just to say, hey, say that you like the show, say whatever you want, but you don't need to leave messages that say fuck you to the hosts.

We don't enjoy hearing those. We don't enjoy people being mean to us. And here's what I'll say. For all of mommy's little maniacs, send us something fun, send us something nice. You know what to do.

And yes, you know what to do. And you know what? That brings us to our next segment. Casey, go ahead and hit that theme song.

If this year says exit song, I would be really pissed.

Mail! Mail!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Hey Riddle. That is the mailbox theme. Again, we haven't had the mailbox for very long, so we only have one package in the mailbox. If you want to send a package to Hey Riddle Riddle, go ahead and make that out to Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 West Montrose Ave. number 267 Chicago, Illinois 60634. Again, that's Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 West Montrose Ave. number 267 Chicago, Illinois 60634. Let's open this thing up right now. We have a little package here. I'm opening it up live on the show. What is this going to be? Very cool. Very cool. This is something that it looks like a fan has sent us. And I actually did go through the mail and it was sent to us. It looks like it is a KitKat bar and a Reese's.

Oh! That's cool. So like you can just kind of like send us like if you wanted to send us like... Did you set up this address so people would send you KitKat bars and Reese's cups?

You can actually mail things to this address and it looks like some fan has mailed these to us. I don't know what to do with these. I do not like the candy and I will not be bringing them to Adal or Erin. So that address again is Hey Riddle Riddle, 6351 West Montrose Ave, number 267, Chicago, Illinois, 60634.

Hold on. Actually, Nassim here. Do you mind if I put those both in my hand so I can melt them? Wow Nassim. Wow.

Good callback Nassim.

Very good callback.

I would like to see a scene. Janet, you are Peter Pan and Adal, you are Peter Pan's shadow, and you're having a hard time keeping up. You don't have the same energy that Peter has, so your work is a lot for you.

Alrighty, second British accent of the day. Let's be off to see the Lost Boys, pal.

Time out, time out, time out. Hey, do you always have to pose with your hands on your hip? Like, do you always have to do a power pose?

Yeah, that's called a Kimbo. It's a thing.

A Kimbo? Listen, you don't age, but I do. Okay? What? You know how you don't age? You know how you look like a little boy? Is this not something you know? Here, look in the mirror over there. Let's walk over to the mirror. Walk. Walk to the mirror.

Walking to the mirror with a little jaunt, a little spring and a stick and a little skip over to the mirror.

Oh my knees.

Looking at a very attractive, impish, somewhat androgynous, loves green and pointy toed shoes. Yes, looking good buddy.

Yeah, that's you, okay? That's not Tilda Swinton as a child, that's you. And how old are we? You're like 438 years old? 438 years young?

Whatever. Let me ask you this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why is it harder for you? You, my friend, are just a sliver, just a sort of a visual echo, if you will. You weigh anything, why are you so tired?

I'm a sliver, huh? Okay, okay. Hey, no, you're good. Hey, turn off the lights, will you?

Peter, do you want to come to the dance competition at sunset? I love to! Can I compete in every possible category?

Yes, of course!

No, Peter, Winnie's going to be the death of us.

Wonderful! Wonderful! Quickly, let's fly across London and my shadow will play so long it'll cover the entirety of the city.

That's another thing. Hey Peter, that's another thing. When you fly, I have to walk. You don't see a shadow when you're flying, do you? That's because I have to walk wherever you're going.

You win some, you lose some, friend.

That's, ah, fucking. Oh, here comes that big dog. Oh, he's pissing on me. Peter, he's pissing on me. I'm so sorry, friend. He's smiling.

On the upside, buddy, isn't that the exact voice you imagined this dog would have seen?

I'm going to play the audio. Okay. So the most recent TikTok and our group chat was Adal.

I think people would rather listen to Riddles.

I know, but this, I just, this, okay, here it is. Adal said, Erin, this sounds like the yelps you give when I get a song in the Name That Tune game and you get pissed. And this is truly, this husky sounds so much like me when I yell. It's great.

Alright.

Did I play audio of a husky or did I play audio for me from a Patreon episode? You feel good.

That does a lot like you. I know, I've got freaked out. A scary amount. That's yeah, that's your that's your whole thing.

I know and I sound like a husky. I was playing you stay right No, please

Based off of inserting Jar Jar Binks into old-timey movies, I want to see a scene.

I knew it. He hasn't been listening since that happened. I knew it.

Well, my eyes went completely white. So you can always tell. I want to see a scene. So this is like a 19, maybe like a 1930s or 40s movie, definitely like black and white era. JPC, you are a legit, you're like whoever the lead is in Maltese Falcon or whoever, Clark Gable, whatever you are. You are a legit 1930s actor. You are, of the times, you speak in a lingo, you have the cadence, you're totally that. Erin, you're a time traveler from now who goes back in time and finds yourself accidentally on the set of a movie. And you're trying to play along, but you clearly are not of this era and it's a little out of place.

Great.

Ooh, look at the getaway sticks on that getaway vixen.

Not you hitting on me.

Oh it's me, it's me alright and I'm hitting on you. You're a cool glass of soda poured by a jerk. Okay well- And I'd be a jerk if I didn't take this chair and pull it out from behind you and say would you like to sit down? Rest those limber legs?

Okay well you're problematic AF. Um hold on let me treat this. Hold on.

Girl you're literally sending me. Wait what's happening? Uh oh.

Hey, you are hotter than a hot bun on a Tuesday. Whoa, what's happening to me?

Uh, cut. That take hit different? Wait a second. What's going on?

This- This director?

Thanks, doll. Let's do another.

This director should be off this project.

It's cancel culture run amok. I should be off this project. You're mid. What am I saying?

Each clue contains antonyms that when said out loud in reverse order correspond to the name of a popular musician or musical group.

Cat Living turns into Dog dead. Dead dog. Dead mouse. Dead dog. Dead mouse.

Dead mouse.

Dead mouse.

Dead mouse.

Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse.

Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse.

Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse. Dead mouse.

The opposite of mouse to me would be his rat. No, they're in the same genus.

Yeah, the opposite of mouse is actually pretty hard.

Oh, that is pretty hard. Owl? Owl's a good one.

Owl eat mouse?

Owl or hawk would be very good. The opposite of cheese.

Yeah, I guess it's really hard to, I guess we were going to have to define our opposites at this point.

Erin? I have my final answer.

I have my final answer. I'd like to apologize. We the jury would like to apologize to Taylor. Your answer is perfect.

Wow. Cowards. Cowards escaped. Actually, you know what? Fuck that. I want to see a scene. Adal, we're going to see a scene. You are going to be playing the new superhero Opposite Mouse. And there's a bank robbery. Erin and I are people caught up in this bank robbery. Innocent bystanders. And Opposite Mouse just showed up and saved the day. And Erin, we are struggling to describe what Opposite Mouse is.

Great. Let me get you two out of this building. Haha. Another job well done by Opposite Mouse. Oh, I'm sorry, my catchphrase is ohm because the OM is on my chest. Well, chest, abdomen, thorax, whatever you want to call it. Sure.

Anyway, thank you.

Well, before you go, would you like to leave a review? I like to have by the people I save or rescue, I'd like to have them leave a review and be as descriptive as possible about the moment I came in to save you. So let's start with what you saw when I entered the building to help you out.

I mean, you were great. I don't know if, can I say that up front is that we all, we both thought, right? That's Cosides.

We thought you were so good.

That is fantastic. More specifics would be great. Sure.

Pardon my wings here.

But he brushed the back of his coat, so I do think that those are just like, I think it's like tuxedo wings, I believe. No, my name is Opposite Mouse. Opposite Mouse, and you're good, right? Because you stopped obviously the bank robbers who were honestly victims of circumstance, if we really think about it.

Opposite Mouse, I think you would really love our friend who we want to set you up with. How would you describe yourself?

Oh my god, yes. You would be so perfect for a friend who we'll tell you about later.

Yeah, we'll tell you about that friend later. Yes.

I would describe my face as non-mousey. I would describe my appetite as lactose intolerant. I would say no tail. I'd say never get caught in a trap. I'd say I live in the opposite of a hole in the wall.

So, here's the thing. Opposite mouse, I feel like we know exactly who you aren't. Sure. But our friend, who is very attractive and successful, I think would be a very good match for you, is really more interested in who you are. Who is opposite mouse?

Yes, who I am. I am resistant to poison. I am... Okay. I am friends with cats. I am not dirty at all.

Interesting. Well, we're away from friends.

I am never fed to snakes.

So we're gonna go to brunch.

If we leave now, we're never going to be able to set him up with our friend. Oh, I'm getting it now. I'm getting it now. I'm so sorry. I actually, I actually, I was thinking about Caitlin. I had Caitlin in mind.

Oh my God. He would love Caitlin.

Yeah. They'd be perfect.

Call her and describe me. Call her and describe me physically.

Okay. Oh, did you stub your toe? She did, yes. Hold on, I'm sorry, I need to listen to this a little bit longer.

This is actually Caitlin's voice mail. She's so funny, but this is, yeah, this is her, it'll beep in a second, but there's a little more.

Hello?

Hi, how are you?

She gets me every time with this.

Just kidding, I'm not at the phone. Just remember, I love being set up. I'm Caitlin. Beep. Just kidding.

Yeah, so we think you'd be perfect for Caitlin because you're both fucking underneath.

That was a fake beep.

Oh. God damn it, Caitlin. I'd love to see a quick scene. This is going to be, Erin and Adal, you both work at a butthole repair shop and you're just like manning the phones, taking incoming calls. But again, it's been a pretty slow day.

Thank you for calling Donny and Donny Butthole Repair. How can we help you?

Yeah, your website says nine to five. Is that your hours?

Yeah, but to be honest with you, we sort of fuck off at 4 p.m. every day because we're tired of looking at buttholes, right Donny?

That's right. Understandable. Okay, thank you so much.

Oh! Oh! Donny and Donny's butthole repair. How can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I call a butthole repair store?

Oh, do you got a bone to pick with me?

No, I was... Do you guys do kitchen sinks?

Well, we do everything but. Haha, that's our motto, actually. Everything but. We can put a stent in your asshole if it's prolapsed.

No, my cousin's got a kitchen sink stuck in his asshole. I guess I'll call somewhere else. Thank you.

Hold on, hold on.

Damn it.

Hello Donny and Donny butthole repair. How can I help you today?

Just the mailman just delivering your mail. What do we got mailman? Don't go through it. Open the mail and read aloud.

Reopen the mail and read aloud Mr. Mailman.

This one is from the IRS. It says that you owe $14,000. Don't read our mail.

Internal rectal system? Rectum system?

I don't think so. Anyway, here's the mail. I'll just leave it here. Thank you.

Ah, look at him walk away. He needs work done. Donny and Donny, butthole repair. How can I help you?

Yes, I would like to schedule a butthole repair.

Oh, perfect. How is today in five minutes for you?

I'm sorry. I live out of state. I don't know that I can do. I don't know that I can do today.

What state?

I guess I'm in a state of denial right now that my butt hole needs repairing.

Yeah, of course.

So I guess I need to be talked into it.

Of course. Well, there's a few things we could do. We can put a stent in. We can also fill it up with plaster of Paris. Now that will prevent any leakage. That will prevent any discomfort. And then you can kind of take the what we would call a butt plug in or out, depending on if you're at the movies or if you're home in the bath. Sure. Those are the only two options you can use the plug for.

Okay. Should I describe the extent of the problem or those are just two blank solutions that will work for any problem. Tell them to come in.

Tell them to come in. We need you to come in and I do ask if you don't mind, not to describe it, I do get a little queasy around butthole talk.

Sure. I was just in I'm the mailman.

Read that mail.

Did you read that mailman?

Two locks and a window, but not any doors. My twin, the musician, find it on tours. Using my... I'm sorry, I'm just laughing thinking about you guys being funny generally.

Erin, please be serious.

That was both like a compliment and like a burn. Yeah.

This is a first to break down laughing and go, I'm just thinking about generally YouTube being funny.

And John Patrick Coan. Casey Togie could be editing. M.R.D. Parrot in the muting. Loco created by Emily Cardenas and Emily Nemours.

Hey there carols and bells. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another name that tune Christmas songs edition. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew. And you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you then.

That was a hate gun podcast.