Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Fa la la la la, let's get drunk. Sorry, I was just finishing up, uh, celebrating with my family here. We're all a little sloshed. Uh, how are you two doing?

My family also a little sloshed. We put a slip and slide out in the yard. It's cold as fucking shit out there, but, uh, that a crocodile mile.

Erin, how are you doing? I'm sloshed. Drunk as a skunk, my guy. And you?

Skunks? Is that why they smell so bad? Are they constantly vomiting and shitting their pants? Is that what skunks are all about? Yeah, they all have debilitating drinking problems. Well, regardless of how your holidays are going, we hope that you enjoy our 2022 Best of Clip Show. Clip Show? Is that what we're calling it?

Uh, yeah, it's like a clip show. I mean, it's basically a combination and a collection of clips throughout the year that you, the fans voted on. I assume that people vote, Erin, I actually have no idea what people voted on.

Yeah, they sent in suggestions. It's a labyrinth of terrors. It's a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. It is a monster that we can't control anymore. How else can I describe it?

It's a skunk shitting of space. I feel like people don't like clip shows. So let's call this a pastiche program.

Let's call it a collage of shit.

Quilt of questions.

But this is perfect for you because this is going to be a bunch of stuff that you haven't heard before. Now if you're one of the unlucky ones who has listened to all the episodes, maybe you'll be like me and it'll all sound brand new because you don't remember any of it. It's a fever dream.

And maybe you'll be like me And you'll come downstairs and you take off your shirt and you rub eggnog all over yourself. And you go, Uncle Randy, today's the day you die. And you start wrestling Uncle Randy right until he tumbles in the fireplace and spontaneously combusts. Well, he was in the fireplace, so it's not spontaneous. He just can bust it.

If you get that marked down as a spontaneous combustion, you are friends with a fire chief. That's, I don't know how else to do it. Combusting makes me feel good.

Well, and oh, I just want to say something about this clip show. Yes. I texted Adal in JPC and I said, any fun moments from the year you want included? And let me actually, I actually am just going to read out loud what the two of you said.

Can we, can we go to the show?

Casey's just fumbling around on a big keyboard smashing buttons and nothing's worth it.

Yeah, it's like, no, no, no, 100%. It's like that scene in Big, but instead of a keyboard piano, it's a keyboard. It's a computer keyboard. Check that program.

Check that program. I'll be honest, I'm not a listener. Both of podcasts and in conversations.

No, no, no, no, no. What I said was, what I said to your question, Erin, was nope. You asked me, you asked me, would I like anything? And I said, nope.

And then Adal said, yeah, I can't recall a single moment from any episode. Maybe we screamed like Howard Dean a bunch in one?

Question mark. The Howard Dean scream drop was this year. Casey, can we confirm?

Thank you, Casey.

I was thinking of this episode.

And with that in mind, enjoy part one of our 2022 wrap-up. Goodnight! Mwah!

There's two parts worth of shit I don't remember!

All right, so our first riddles are warm-up riddles and they come from Darryl Fraser.

Hey Erin. What's up? What the fuck is happening? It's the start of the episode. We're supposed to like bullshit for 20 minutes.

Wait, what? I thought this was a riddle podcast.

Oh, it was. But that riddle podcast burned down seven years ago on this very night. 200 episodes ago as a riddle podcast.

Oh, shit. We don't do... Oh, okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, let me see my shuffle's paperwork.

Oh, sorry, Erin. Maybe we start and it's like we're all in like a haunted manner and like our uncle just died and we have to figure out how to stay the night and then win a million dollars and then like maybe minute 42 we do our first riddle?

I'm actually still in a bad mood because I was assaulted as soon as I got to work today. I feel like you're exaggerating a little bit. By the threat of doing a riddle? I'm actually still fucked up and I do need to- Okay, okay.

I think I got- Erin, I think I got it. Just- Erin, give me one second here. Come on in, John Patrick Coan. I am HR, and what is your complaint? Yeah, I got a big complaint. I showed up.

Hi HR. I have a complaint too. Sorry. I don't mean to cut off JPC.

Oh, a Falcon just threw in the window. A Falcon flew in the window.

Hello. JPC planned a two week vacation and is trying to find any excuse to let us Let him leave for two weeks. He didn't let us know about this video.

How dare you? How dare you? You know what? The first people I'm telling about this are the fine people in Napoli who run the Airbnb that I booked. Because when I tell them, their faces are going to hit the floor. They don't necessarily speak English so well. So I'll have to count the exclusives.

In Napoli, Montana?

Welcome to this haunted mansion your uncle has passed and you need to sew- Witch Uncle! Um, am I doing this right now?

No, I'm saying Witch Uncle. W-I-T-C-H?

Yeah. My Witch Uncle. But this is going well, right? This is what you wanted?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is what I wanted. Thank you.

Well, now that that bit's out of the way, I saw a big tree this weekend! The tallest tree? No. I would like to see a scene.

I feel like I'm living in fucking La La Land because of how much fun I'm having. Just enjoying this. And how much you invented jazz.

JPC, you're a dad in a backyard and you're grilling for a barbecue. And Adal's another neighborhood dad coming up to you with a cooler. And he has a lot of unconventional things that he wants to barbecue for the barbecue.

Oh sure. That's me or that's JPC?

That's you, Adal. You're the unconventional one.

Okay. Four more burgers. So this is your two minute warning on hot dogs. Okay. What's up, Tony? No. No, no, no. Jeff? No. Come on. I'm trying. I'm trying my best, man. I'm trying to be neighborly. I know everybody's out here.

Come on. Hey, come on. Be honest. You want to see what's in the cooler? It's such a big cooler, man. You want to see what's in the cooler? Well, I got some wild game.

Now, here's- Jeff, there are kids here, okay? Okay. So let's not make this a big thing. Let's not make this last time. Let's just open the cooler.

Hey, it's not like last time the kids don't have to be worried. There are no human parts in here. Last time, listen, last time I had a friend who had a kidney donation. He didn't make it, but they didn't know what to do with the kidney. I swiped it. I brought it here. I thought it might be fun.

You were right. It is unbelievable. It is unbelievable to me that you think it was the kids that were worried.

Okay, listen, here's the first.

Alright, you know what Jeff? I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Thank you. We're probably not going to have the same kerfuffle as last time. What do you got for us?

Okay, now first things first. This is, hear me out, Cat Now. Hey Riddle.

Jeff, look around. We're not in fucking Asia. And nobody's starving. We got hot dogs and hamburgers. The invite says hot dogs and hamburgers.

Babe, babe, babe, you have to be nice. His wife and him are separated and his mom moved out because she couldn't stand up anymore. So please be nice to him, okay? What? Be nice. What? Be nice.

Shouldn't that be an indicator that- Be nice!

Why is your wife kissing your ear for so long? You two seem happy. You seem very happy. We are. Yeah, she's a wonderful woman.

Okay. What else you got? Hey, come on. We'll cook something up. Maybe not the cat. Maybe just don't take the cat out.

Just leave that thing there. Okay. Now, hear me out. This is giraffe neck. It's a tenderer's part. Now you want to leave the fur on so that people can identify it and you just get some nice grill marks.

So the giraffe, I take it the giraffe that's missing from the zoo. It is not missing, it was killed. I wouldn't say it's missing. Yeah, because you have it. You have pieces of it in the cooler. It's such a big cooler. What I saw at the size of the cooler, my brain was like, he's got the dead giraffe.

He's the one who killed the giraffe. I threw my back out lassoing that giraffe over the wall and then tying it to my Toyota Tercel and going in reverse, it ruined my car. And it threw out my back. I can't believe it. But it is worth it if we can grill it.

You gotta be one of the last people to drive it yourself. Are you going to be one of the last Tercels on the road? Are you kidding me? Are you hap- They stopped me?

They stopped me.

Okay, okay, okay. Tercel's a fun car. Just cook.

Just cook something that he brought.

No, baby. Don't tell me just cook something. What else do you have? Do you have anything normal? Can we cook something like a little bit normal? Yes.

Here's something a little more mainstream. Thank you. Here's for the commoners who went there, coleslaw and burgers. Yes Jeff, coleslaw and burgers. Yes, that's exactly what we're looking for. Here is the engine for my Toyota Tercel. Now hear me out. No. Now hold on. Why did you do this? I read in the Guinness Book of World Records that there is a man who can eat metal.

No one has read that book in decades. Pardon me? No one reads that book anymore.

Close your eyes, close your eyes. Tony, close your eyes. No! Picture the world's longest fingernails. I guarantee you have enough.

Get your fingers out of my mouth.

Picture them.

Picture them. I don't need to taste them. Get your fingers out of my mouth.

You have an image, though, in your head of the fingernails curling around.

Yeah, now I do, because they were in my mouth.

Picture two twins on motorcycles. I guarantee you have a select image, because you've read it. What is the point? The point is to challenge your palate.

Hold on. Hold on. I can't believe I glossed over this. No one in that book ate metal. Eating metal is not something that is in that book.

Listen, did I add my own addendums? Yes.

Yes!

For things I wish humankind would accomplish.

Okay, I'm gonna do you a favor. Eh? I'm going to let you walk out of here. With that being, I am going to come over to your house later and I'm going to beat the shit out of you. What the fuck?

After the divorce? After my wife left me? This is how you treat me?

Where's your wife? There are consequences for this interaction and you will suffer them.

Aren't my ears burning? What's up guys? Are we getting along?

We're doing great over here, babe.

We're doing great over here. We're not doing great. The way I've just treated in your home is disgusting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Josh. Can we make it up to you? We can cook one of your things that you brought.

Two kitties are having a swimming race. Their names are 123 and Undutua. Which one won? Hmm. 1-1, huh? Which 1-1? Oh, wow.

Which 1-1.

Now, that, I will say, is not the key to the riddle. It's just a fun thing to say 1 and 1 back together.

Which 1-1? Which 1-1?

Which 1-1? You've got the sandwich hotline. Okay?

Yes, it's her cat one.

Wait, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Erin, I said, which 1-1? You've got the sandwich hotline, and you didn't even look at me. Adal laughed. He liked that. I just want to know. And I was trying to transition back to the National Gretel scene.

Hold on. Ready? All right. Ready?

Uh-huh.

Say it again.

Which one won? Sandwich hotline.

Hi. My sandwich has a bad ratio from meat to cheese to vegetables.

Okay. Have you tried adding more meat?

I'm just panicking right now. Can you stand the phone? Baby, baby.

Crab rangoon.

No. I'm calling sandwich 911.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. We are not sandwich 911. 911 is people. Which one what? You know what I'm saying? We were here first. That's all I gotta say.

Okay, well, who do I call with a sandwich emergency?

Us.

Hold on.

Hold on. I'm swatting. I'm the only one here. Give you one second. Which one won? Say which hotline?

Yes, I'm calling because I have no warts on my nose. Is that common? Baby, baby.

Crab Rangoon.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my wife just cast a spell on me.

You want to dial which one won? This is which one won?

Wait, which, which one?

Ma'am, we could do this all day. I'm a big effort.

I can still do it there as well.

Hold on. I'm sorry, we're swapped here today. I've got call waiting. Which one won? What's the sandwich?

Hi. Hold on.

Did I just say, what's the sandwich? Oh no.

Yeah, you did. I, well, this is going really well. We're adding a lot of callbacks to episodes. People have hopefully heard.

I think a lot of these are Patreon episodes.

I'm having a witch, witch, witch emergency. I can't, I don't know the difference between which, which, and which, and which one is spelled which way.

Okay.

Am I calling the right number?

Okay, so you are calling the right number. One is like a crone, one is like a crumb, and one is like a slang for... Speaking of two things, I gotta put you on a brief hold.

Which one's which?

Which one won?

Sandwich hotline. Hey, you didn't hear this from me, but Tommy DeMarcus is gonna rob Liberty Bank on Sunday. Okay, and who is this? This is, uh, don't worry about it. Just kidding.

Baby, baby, grab Rangoon.

This is Snitch 1-1, right?

We're getting further afield. Look, I am going on break. I gotta go. Bye.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Wow.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

It's one. They hung up. They went on break. The Roadrunner just went by. Hey JPC, you're on your lunch break.

We're gonna put a new caller in for you. Hey, no one's watching my Twitch stream. Am I calling the right number? It's an emergency.

What number did you dial?

Twitch 1-1.

Okay, so if you're looking at your phone, if you're looking at your dial pad right now, what you should see is a button for Twitch, a button for a witch, a button for a witch, a button for a snitch, a button for a witch, and a button for a witch.

Which one's which though?

You dialed which 1-1. I can't help you with which 1-1. I have to go. I have another call on my cell phone at break. Which 1-1? What's your, uh, which, say which hotline?

Hi, you probably recognize my voice. This is Chevy Chase. What was that movie I was in where I wore a bunch of different disguises? Were you in Hitch? Okay, well, just so you're clear.

Why would it be Fletch? So, hold on, I gotta give you one second.

Which one? What's the sandwich?

Hi, I'm stuck at the bottom of a ditch. Is this ditch 1-1? Look at your phone. And also, my friends left me.

Okay, so there's only one button left on the phone. No, there's none. There's a fletch button, a ditch button, a hitch button, a witch, a witch, and a witch button.

I got ditched ditched. I got ditched ditched. Send someone soon.

Hold on, that's all the buttons, so what could this be? Witch 1-1, what's your emergency?

Piss Fun Fun, what's your emergency?

Oh, thank God, Chris. I'm the day that I have had, the day that I have had. You won't believe the stories I heard with Piss Fun Fun. Why don't we hear about them?

Bring me- Hi, this is Switch 1-1. I'm going to switch your calls.

God damn it. God fucking damn it. Okay, so which of these cats- Two kitties are having a swimming race.

Their names are 1, 2, 3, and Ooh- What do you mean we're chaotic? Fuck you!

The wild part is if intrepid listeners can go back and listen, I think around like episode seven or eight, we said, look, if we're all still single, uh, like 192 episodes from now, we should just fucking make this thing official and get hitched. And Erin, we all, that was a good joke we were doing. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you were doing, but you, I mean, you, you fucked up. You're not single, you're unmarried.

I'm pretty sure in an early episode I said if we're both unmarried and then you told me that you'd turn me into a crab if I'm still single. So I'm still waiting for you to turn me into a crab.

I got a crab clock on my wall and it's ticking down, Erin. I'll be honest, I know how much time you have and you don't have a lot.

That's fine. I'd rather be a crab than a wife. And you can copy on that.

I guess the answer to this is kind of like a pun. Okay. So, do you just- Yeah.

Undetoy cat.

Erin, keep going.

Thank. Okay. Undetoy cat. Thank, he died?

There we go. Well, we don't know that. Oh no. They probably resuscitated him. We don't know that he died.

He's dead.

We have to have a funeral for this fictitious kitten. All right.

Let's have a funeral for Undetoy. Adal, would you like to say something?

Would you like to say something?

We are gathered here today to say adieu to one of our most perfect feline.

Perfect.

Please, no puns at the funeral because that is how Undentua died. Undentua was such a good kitty. She would always come to the door for fresh baguettes and chevron. Sorry, for chevron. Eh boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, boohoo

Vinditra, you are a great cat. You are one of the best cats that I have ever met. Oh, you have an oedispe. Merius, merius! Uhh... Iplicelles and empty tables.

They have British accents and nets and they do not apply!

A.C. to A.C. D'Artagnan to D'Artagnan. Hold on, they have British accent and lib with a wop?

Yes, of course, yes.

Why?

Because it's all written in Britain, of course. And... Perkay. And D'Twas hat was so small. His boys were so small.

He's not so small.

He's little teeth small, but his hat was so big.

And D'Twas small bean. What? Adal Rifai, Small Beam. Small Beam? Small Beam.

Ooh, Jemma Parry is good now.

And now... She was about to tell us what her name was. Jemma Parrot?

Jemma Parrot?

Jemma Parrot, I cannot say.

Oh, her name is Jemma Parrot. You're a parrot named Jemma? Jemma Parrot.

Ytayem Parry. Well guys, I think we set that fake cat up really nice. I think that we gave them a really good send off.

I think you really appreciate that. I was about to say Ave Maria, so you cut me off at the exact right time.

And the French are doing now what they always do with their dead. Spread them on fresh baked bread. Bonjour!

Honestly, what a way to go. I have to see a scene. Adal and Erin, you're in a public restroom. Adal, you are stuck in a stall without any toilet paper. And Erin, you're also in that restroom washing your hands. And Adal, you're begging for her help getting you any sort of paper.

Oh no, I'm ruined. I'm ruined. Prithi, can I beseech upon you, vouchsafe, that you do gift upon thee, O your most humble servant, some dollop of comfort, please?

I actually, I'm seeing someone right now.

No, no, yes, I am seeing someone too. I am with my third eye. I see a vision of you, milady, in an open field. Horses dance around you. Centaurs bow before you. A crown, a crown of flowers atop your head because you has bequeathed me. Are you from the past? No. Are you crying? I'm weird.

Okay. I gotta go. No, please. You haven't even asked me a question yet, and I actually- Have I not?

I guess I have failed. I failed in my mission.

Also, if you work at the Ren Fair next door, I won't tell your boss you broke character to ask me a question.

Oh, thank God. Thank you so much. Can you grab me some toilet paper?

We got them. You broke character. We knew you would. Swap team. Scene.

Have I told you guys my story of when I was at Gen Con one time and I was like stopping by a bathroom as I was leaving and Gen Con is like a big board game convention and the bathrooms at the convention center in Indianapolis are humongous because they're convention center bathrooms and I walked in the bathroom, it was empty, it was like the end of the day and I was just like trying to wash my hands before I left because if you've ever been to Gen Con you know that you need to wash your hands and I was on my way out of the bathroom and there was a guy in one of the stalls and he goes, excuse me, hey, hey, is there somebody there? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, I'm at a toilet paper in here. Can you hand me some toilet paper? And I looked at every single, there was every single one of the stalls. I looked at every single one of the stalls and there was no toilet paper in any of the stalls. And I go, I go, man, there's no toilet paper in any of these stalls. And he goes, what about like, uh, uh, like hand towels? And I was like, it's all air dryers in here. There are no, there are no hand towels. And I was like, ah, man, like I'm sorry, dude. Like good luck. And I started to leave and he goes, Hey, Hey, you're not just going to leave me.

Hey Riddle.

That sucks because I've gone out of my way to fuck so many goats in my life that if that was my test... They weren't even on the way. I get halfway to fucking a goat and I'm like, Zeus? And it's like, no, just a goat. And I'm like, gah!

Wait, the goat says just a goat? I was just going to a farm and starting to fucking goat and halfway through going, Zeus? It's like you could have asked way earlier.

Not as halfway through. Halfway through meme.

Just a goat? Just a happy goat. Yeah, man. I'm Zeus. Keep going.

Zeus, keep going.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not a therapist. But I think you should go listen to Mumford and Sun Snow. I'm cutting you off from Hey Riddle Riddle. It's too much for one day.

Is it too late for Christmas to get a teacher that says, I'm Zeus, keep going? A little goat saying I'm Zeus, keep going.

I'm not Zeus, but keep going. You can't have sex with animals because they can't consent.

So don't even try it even if it is God you think. Okay, here we go.

I would like to see a scene actually. Damn it. The three of us are the powder puff girls.

Okay. Is it powder puff or power puff?

What did I say?

I've never seen the show, so I don't know. I will settle this. I will settle this.

It's power.

I said powder.

Okay.

Now, do you want to see a scene where we are the powder puff girls or the power puff girls?

And Erin, before you decide, powder puff is slang for doing cocaine.

I would like to see a scene where we're the powder puff girls.

Okay. Sure. Okay. We all did it.

We all did the nose thing. I just talked about astrology and then we did one scene that was just a sniff. This has got to be our last episode ever.

Hey, I got to say, I think I fucked up one of my ear trumps when I did that big sniff. I think I did a big sniff too hard.

I don't know how, but I have swimmer's ear. Okay. I would like to see a scene. You are two friends who wake up in a room with no windows and doors and you're brainstorming what to do.

Oh, what the fuck? Oh, we're fucked. We're screwed. We're fucked. We're screwed. We're fucked. Uh, do you want to, do you want to kill ourselves or each other? How do you want to do this?

I think that we do each other.

We should be punching each other. We should be punching each other. Fling your head against the cement.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We should fuck. We should fuck each other first.

We should procreate first just in case there's hope. There could be hope in the future.

Well not now. Yeah, I don't want to, I don't want to get too scientific on this.

Well then don't. Here's what I, hear me out. Yes. We fuck. We have a kid. Okay. The kid is here just in case in the future these walls crumble or we, or they find the technology to get us out of whatever this room is. We'll of course be long dead, but our child could live off the flesh of us to sustain themselves for years and years to come.

Or, counterpoint, we fuck up, we have a bunch of kids, and then we eat all of the kids, and that's how we need to stay ourselves. Then we don't have to die.

Scene. Six points awarded each. And a bonus two points, because I thought that was a great scene.

So, eight each.

Minus two points each. If you rip a hole in me, what was that? Minus one point to JPC. Minus one point to Adal.

Damn it. I do want to see a scene. Erin and JPC, you can be whatever plants you like, but we are at the funeral for a fellow plant.

Got it. I had no idea that I had no idea that Lavender was from the desert. It was such a long plane ride to get down here. So sad, you know? He's so young. I just saw him like, I want to say like in spring.

Right?

Yeah.

I thought I was like, in spring he looked so healthy and so good. He was like doing all the stuff he loved. So at least like, I don't know, the end of his life was... I heard it was not so beautiful. I heard a cat dug him up.

I mean, is it murder? Because, like, there was no trial, so I think it's, you know, murder's the legal definition. I think it is. Me too.

We are gathered here today to say goodbye to our friends, our son, our brother, Lavender. Taken too early, plucked before his time. And now a reading of the will. We are... Let's give it right to it. That was, that was the service.

That was the funeral service.

All those two lines. All of Lavender's photosynthesis that he saved up over years and years. Oh my God. He is leaving to Fern. Fern, are you here?

Uh, present, present. I just, I just googled it. Cats are allergic to lavender. They can get sick and they can die.

Oh my God. That's probably, I'm going to a cat's funeral two days from now. Oh my God. I'm putting it together.

I'm here. I'm here. Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. I'm here. Sorry.

Here's Lavender's photosynthesis. Am I saying that right? Photosynthesis. Thank you so much. Here's that stuff.

That's great. That's crazy. That's great. That's wow.

So I get the photosynthesis.

What it get, what it get.

Pretty cool. Any money though? Sorry.

Let's see. Let's see what Rose gets. Let's see what Rose gets. We're all reading the will. Let's see what Rose gets. Is Rose here? Yeah, that's me. And we gotta make this quick, I got a cat's funeral in a couple of days and it's on the other end of the desert.

Oh my, what the?

As well as Lavender's collection of Lamborghinis and rare porches.

Oh yeah baby. Sorry sir, is it possible there's a typo in there? Because I got photosynthesis, which I already have as a plant.

Y'all about to see a plant have a midlife crisis up in here.

We cut to a montage of a rose in a sports car, zooming up to divorce his wife, zooming away.

The rose has a bunch of petudias in the back seat of the sports car that just blow it in the wind.

We cut to the exterior of a bowling alley that says Rose Bowl. The rose is bowling and it's just strike after strike after strike after strike. He and Rosa turduck in.

He's getting hair plugs of different petals from other flowers.

You see it's like one of those glass coffee tables with just lines of cocaine. The rose is just putting all the cocaine up into his butt.

The rose is getting a spray tan. It just turns.

We see several flowers around Rose and yet his thorn is still limp. It won't get hard. We see do start to scream down Rose's petals. He's clearly taking a turn.

We see the Rose looking through the window, seeing his family enjoy Christmas dinner with their new stepdad. His spray tan dripping down him.

Yeah, you see the roses on the side of the highway and the Lamborghini is totaled and there's like a tow truck driver, or no, it's a tow truck being operated by, let's say a Monstera and they're like shaking their leaves, no.

And then he cuts back to the moment where he got all that money. And that was just a vision that he had of what could become of his future.

So will you take this money in these cars?

No.

Huh?

And I'm going to get on a plane right now. Get out of this fucking desert. Fuck that cat's funeral. I'm going to fly home to New Jersey and I'm going to kiss my wife.

I'll take all the cars and the money.

Rose, I must commend you. You kind of told me everything. You gave me all your disclosures. You kind of, um, what's another term for that?

Uh... You put all your... ducks in a rose? That's what it is. Same. Here's your next riddle. Okay. Proud and flashy, they go out to hit the town every night. The Bee Gees.

I'm sorry. The Bee Gees? You said proud and flashy, they go out every night. The Bee Gees.

Well, you can't tell by the way. You've been my partner all the night. No time to talk. Are you crazy? All right. It's okay. You can't look me right away.

You ever heard the Bee Gees play at .5 speeds?

We're all having fun, so let's see a scene. We're going to see a little scene.

Here's a question.

How is Uncle Santa not the worst part about this episode?

What? Uncle Santa.

I know, I didn't know. Jacuse. Sorry, I'm saying, do you want to use the Jacuse? Oh, I'd love to.

All right, all right. All right, we have to move on.

Uncle Santa, we've created a new running bit, which is going to be 0.5 BGs.

It's 0.5 BGs. It's fun for the whole family.

Uncle Santa's 0.5 BGs. It's fun.

I love it.

I love it. It's 0.5 BGs. JPC would hate it.

I wish JPC would never come back and Uncle Santa would stay here forever.

And he could do a three-episode arc.

Yay!

Adal, a big sigh from you. Yay.

Oh Adal, the thing you created is no longer fun for you? Well, well, well. Movies or TV shows?

Oh, it could be TV shows.

Has the French, the French, the French prince of Bel Air?

The French have a saying. Wait, is the French prince of, is it the French prince of Bel Air?

No, it's not. It's French.

In Wesversa, born and raised with cheddar on my baguette every day.

This podcast is free, right? Holy shit.

I said one little mare that my mother got scared. She said, you're moving to France with your friend in Versailles. That doesn't work.

Every other part of it works. Cut out that part. Cut that, Casey, get that part the fuck out of here. Big beep over that. Actually, that's great. I already cover a key demographic. We can't lose me because then we lose that demographic. I'm glad you asked, Erin. The demographic that I cover is male-identifying and non-binary people between the ages of 18 to 54 who have won, if not all, of the following predilections and or perversions. Mouth stuff, butt stuff, back of the envelope stuff, tub thumping, dry humping, wet clumping, clismophilia, people who earnestly say, that's so funny instead of laughing, family guy porn, family porn for guys, voyeurism, exhibitionism, patriotism, necromancy, feeling fancy, feeling up mannequins, europhelia, Eurovision-philia, Disney adultism. Hot wiping. Cool treating. Dairy queening. Spider worship. Saying, wow. Like Owen Wilson. Rheumatoid arthritis. Peridium swiping. Tube stay prepping. Tailgating. Roblox. Road head. Antique roadshow head. Treasure hunting. Renting Tom Holland's Uncharted for $1. Watching the whole thing and wishing you had that dollar back. Pickleback shots. Enjoying blowjobs. Being a sexual little rascal. And reverse farting.

Without me, we lose allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Next time you're watching Antique Roadshow with all your friends. Is there anyone left on planet Earth that doesn't fall into one of those categories?

All the people that you're covering. It's three slices of the pie. We're covering it from all over.

So I get the women introducing their partners at parties as their right-hand man. That's for me?

Okay, you gotta go. So you cover mostly everything. I think we're good. I think we're good. Okay.

I guess I also get people who forgot to button their pants after they go to the bathroom. I just looked down and my pants were just full open. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye. Hi, Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect Erin because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo. So it's a lot of goo. So are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store. We can sell your products online, whether it's physical like this goo, digital, like I imagine, you know, some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat, and sometimes he gets stuck. Well, this time he might Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life.

I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry. I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume is 20% back on. Yes, he's really buried himself in it.

We miss you boy, get better soon! I miss you Adal!

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are a surgeon who has been called in by the hospital administrator, Erin, because there was a closed circuit camera on an operation that you did recently and you were caught doing something. And I'm not saying be blasphemous or dirty. We don't know. But you two, you're having to like sit through it and be confronted by this administrator.

And you're not blasphemous or dirty, but you are chaotic and sweater.

Yeah, I can use that direction.

That's fine. It's nice.

Adal, you're so sweater. All right. Hey.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I got a tee time in 25, so.

Take a seat.

Take a seat? Ooh, this is going to be a sit down.

Yeah. Hey, we're going to have to let you go. What is this? I got news in bad news.

Oh, good. My tee time's in 25, so.

Sir, your Earl Grey is almost ready.

I like a deep steep on my tea. If it's not 25 minutes, I'm not drinking it.

The good news is you're going to be able to golf or tea. I assume that's what it means to drink teas, to tea. Sure, yeah, to golf. Anytime you want. The bad news is there was cameras in your latest surgery.

I quit.

No, too late.

No, I quit. You have to lead with that. I quit.

I'm not being fired. Unfortunately, it's way more humiliated. No, no, you're being fired.

I have a twin.

Which I guess is more... No, you don't. I do. I guess. I do. It's more expensive for us, so I should have just let you quit. I have a twin. But you are being fired in disgrace. You don't have a twin.

Hold on. I don't have a twin.

Then how do you know what I was talking about? The video. How do you know? He tells me everything.

We communicate.

We get to the video where he's operating on his twins.

Should I be asleep? Shh. Fuck you.

And pause.

Uh-huh.

Sure. The fact that you didn't use anesthesia is red flag number one. Number two, it means surgery. I was playing anesthesia. You guys were drunk and you were doing it for fun. Three, you were drunk. You were playing the soundtrack to Anastasia, which slaps, by the way. It does.

It's very good.

Unbelievable. John Cusack and Meg Ryan, hello.

Wait, I gotta say, I have to say, I'm not allowed to do surgery while I'm drunk, but I'm allowed to be fired while I'm drunk.

Yeah, unfortunately, yeah.

You gotta look into, go, get your Google machine out. You gotta look into Go-Gurt, my man, because that's the yogurt for you. That's yogurt you can eat on the go, because right now what you're doing is you're going all over yourself yogurt side.

TPC's Search History Millipede Centipede Go-Gurt.

Wait, hold on a minute. Point of contention, wouldn't yogurt on the go be yoga? I mean, if you want to get sued, sure.

Go-Yogo-Go-Gurt. Go Go Go Gert.

What goes around the house and in the house but never touches the house? A good butler.

Okay, I would like to see a scene. Oh no. Uh, JPC, you're a butler. Um, and Adal, this is, uh, you're another butler and you're being trained by him and he's teaching you all of the best ways to buttle.

Can I just say, sir, when I was informed that I would be starging underneath Mr. Clumpadoodle, I was over the moon. Mr. Clumpadoodle, I am so honored. You are a legend among butlers.

Much too loud, much too many words. A butler should be seen, but never heard. Felt. Felt. Should be the sensation of touching their skin, like you are feeling felt. Brilliant. Brilliant. That is buttling. Let me see your gloves.

Take these off here. On your hands, on your hands. Okay, let me put them back on. I think you'll find them as fresh as white snow. White snow, yes.

Let's do the finger exercises. First position. Thumbs up. Second position. Peace sign.

Into fourth position. Middle finger with all the other fingers raised so as to never insult anyone.

You know your finger positions.

Okay Mr. Smetly, I'm going to do some role playing now and I'm going to be role playing as a potential client.

Yes, perfect. Mr. Smetly, get my cat its daily milk.

Right away, sir.

Ooh, very good. I love the way that it was... I love the way that you kind of left it open to interpretation, like, am I gonna fuck this butler tonight? I was trying to be flirtatious. That's the delicate line that all butlers must tow. But now, for the second part.

Oh, I got some milk on my pants.

Hold on, Adal. You're not guiding the exercise. Oh yes, I'm sorry. Mrs. Smetley. Yes? I think I would like a good toss about my sheets. Would you join me in my bedroom before fuck about?

Sir, how dare you takes off White Glub, slaps him across the face. How dare you would think I would ever stoop so low unbuttoned shirt. You are discussing Undo's pants. You repulse me and I will never work here again or takes off socks.

Very good there. No need to go any further, Mr. Smetly. Of course, a good butler must always roll or do a nice fuck about with their clients, but they should make it very clear that they're being a bad boy about it.

Yes, and at the end I'll say, I guess I'll clean up this mess.

Yes, yes. Now, we are a certain sacred oath of fuck butlers, and we are small, but powerful. Sir, fucklers, please. Fucklers, please. Fucklers, please. That's our motto. Fucklers, please. But we never sneeze, which means we never tell secrets.

Yes, loose lips sink houses.

Loose lips, gyrating hips, a butler's delight.

Loose sinks ruin butlers. That's what I meant to say. I had a cousin who was a butler, had a whole sink collapse on him while he was working on it for the blow.

You had a cousin who was a butler? Yes. So you're a legacy butler?

I guess I am. I never thought about it. Can I rush?

Well, I guess if you are, then that means you technically outrank me. I'm a first generation butler. On your knees, fuck butler. Bark like a dog. I would never get on my knees.

Get on my knees.

I want to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for the new part of my vernacular. That is, am I going to fuck this butler tonight?

Okay, everyone. Put your hands on the planchette and we're going to play Ouija board.

The what? We're gonna play Ouija Board. No, I heard that. Put our hands on the what?

Uh, Planchette?

This nerd knows all of the parts to a Ouija board.

Kate Planchette? Yeah, Kate Planchette. You know, glad real?

Yeah, I know who it is. She's not here, man. What? She ain't here. She ain't playing this game. Fuck.

Where'd she go? Damn it. She graced me.

I have bad news. I googled it, and he's right. It's called a Planchette. Guess how it's spelled.

Spirit Planchette? Spirits of the room, please tell us where is Kate Planchette? Oh, it's moving. It's moving.

What's it say? What's it say? N-O.

R-W-A-Y What does it mean? Norway. Norway. She's in Norway. It was almost Norway. Wait, so it's either in Australia and saying no way, or she's in Norway.

Honestly, I was trying to make it say North. I don't really understand what we're doing with the game, but so I hit N-O-R, that was all me, the rest of it.

Oh wait, it's still going. I-S-B-E-S-T. Norway is the best. Oh wait, it's still going.

P-L-A-N-C-H-E-T-T-E, planchette.

It spelled its own name.

Norway is the best planchette. Spirits of the room, are you fucking with us?

Again, InnoR was me. I did that. And then the rest, I have no controller.

Oh, so it is Way is the best planned chat.

Way is the best planned chat.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

A-D-A-L space R-I-F-A-I.

What does it mean? I'm Adal Rifai. It's moving, it's moving again. J-P-C-S-U-C-K-S. Okay, Erin, that was you. You both did that? I'm JPC Sucks. P-L-A-N-C-E-T-E. I'm Erin Keif.

Oh wait, it's still going J-V. Oh, J-V. What the fucking J-V mean? Interesting. Didn't want to spell the whole name, huh? Oh, it's really hovering around four, four, like, oh, four T-H, fourth H-O-S-T.

I'll be brave. I'll give it a shot. J-A-N-E-T-V-A-R-N-E-Y.

We made you wait way too long. You manifested me. I was in Norway and all of a sudden I felt like an atomic shift. And then all of a sudden I was sitting in front of my computer recording with you. So well done. Wow.

Were you in the middle of something? I'm just asking because of your specific wardrobe.

Oh, was I out saving trash animals?

Wow. Wow. We call them Norwegians. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Apologies to all of our Norwegians listeners.

This game is called Barry, Barry, or Barry. So the way that we're going to play this game is I'm going to give you a prompt and you have to tell me if it's Barry, Barry, or Barry. So it can either be a Barry, you know, like a fruit that you would eat, someone, an actor from the HBO show Barry, or a deceased celebrity who has been buried. So Barry, Barry, or Barry. Now the way that you chime in for this game is you say Barry and then you give me your answer. Okay?

Got it.

You guys ready to play? Yes. Okay. Here you go. Bill Hader.

Barry.

Adal? Uh, Barry. Alright, sorry, I can't- Okay, John Candy.

Barry.

Aaron.

Barried.

Uh, I don't understand what you're- Uh, strawberry. Barry. Barry. Uh, Adal? Barry. Barry, correct. Uh, Daryl Britt Gibson.

Barry.

Uh, I'm sorry, I heard Adal first. Barried? Uh, ooh, that's actually Barry. Uh, Huckleberry.

Barry.

Erin.

Barry.

That's a Barry. Alejandro Firth.

Barry.

Barry? I heard Adal first.

Fuck. Doesn't matter Adal, you're gonna be right. Hold on, I gotta get this right. Barry? Cause it might be Barry. I think it's Barry.

Yes, he was on Barry. Paula Newsom. Barry. Adal, I heard you just a little bit sooner.

What is going on?

No, an actor from Barry. Goose Barry. Barry. Aaron.

Barry.

That is a Barry. You are two for two for Barrys. Aubrey Hepburn.

Barry.

Yes? Aaron?

Barry.

No, I misspoke. Audrey Hepburn is Barryed. Aubrey Hepburn is no one. Henry Winkler. Barry. Adal. I want to say he's married? He is, uh, I'll have to double check that. So, he's on Barry. Uh, Linganberry.

Barry.

Erin?

Barry.

That is a Barry. You are three for three. Linganberry's died though.

You don't know what I was saying.

Sarah Goldberg.

Barry.

Aaron.

Barry.

Yes, she is one of the female leads on Barry. Boysenberry.

Barry.

Barry. That is a Barry. Uh, Stephen Root. Barry.

Excuse me, I wasn't saying Barry. I was buzzing in to say Barry.

Okay, you have to buzz in before you give your answer.

Steven Root.

Steven Root in Office Space Scary. Okay, I'm sorry. That is a root vegetable, not a berry. Dennis Hopper.

Barry.

He's Barry, correct. Goji Barry.

Aaron?

That is a berry. You're five for five with berries. How is she doing this?

She's on a roll.

Erin, is this your dream Jeopardy round?

Uh, no.

Berry, berry, berry, berry.

That's incorrect. Uh, Bernie Mac.

Berry.

Erin?

Berry.

Yes, correct. Hack berry.

Berry. Erin? Berry.

I'm sorry, that's a totally big thing to say about Bernie back. He was a very fine comedian. I think calling him a hackberry.

Come on, I'm five, I'm seven for seven.

John Ritter.

Berry.

Aaron.

Berry.

Yes, correct.

Clifford.

No, Clifford. Yes, I'm sorry, John Ritter is Clifford. Big red berry. Period. And finally, Darcy Carden.

Berry. Berry. Aaron. Berry.

Yes, she is on Berry. Season 3 of HBO's Barry coming soon. We don't know. The release date has not been announced. Barry Barry Barry. It will be. It's just right around the corner.

Hey JPC?

I have to ask. Yes. Did Barry pay you for this promotional plug?

I'm willing to be paid by Barry for this promotional plug.

Hey JPC. And I have to tell you, that was Barry fun.

Okay. Very fun. You'll love next week when we play NoHo or Hank Williams.

What? Save this for the Patreon. Normally we do games this stupid on the Patreon.

Yeah, save this for December and we'll play Merry Christmas. Okay, save the judgment for... I want to get a clip of Darth Vader going, but through the filter. Through the filter. Casey's got it.

Casey, thank you.

Casey, thank you.

Oh, it's worse than I remember though.

It's so, it's so much worse.

Hold on. Here we go. Casey, you're going to know, Casey, you're going to know when I want you to play it. Here we go. I'm going to say a quote and I want you to punctuate it. Luke, I am your...

He fucked you.

He fucked you. He fucked you big time. He fucked you big time. Which brings the all-time total of times anyone on this podcast says yes and at Adal 2, zero.

Okay surf's up my guy, 100%. I didn't say that, just saying. That wasn't me. I like you saying you all the time.

That's fair, that's fair.

Okay, but Casey, I do want to do this. Okay. Hey guys, we're going on tour soon. We want to go to Rhode Island. We want to go to Montana. I'm so happy we have that.

Jesus. Do we have any voicemails to play?

Howard Dean, do you want to come on a road trip with us?

Yeah, I can be sad.

Hey Aaron, Adal, and JPC.

I thought I would just share a fun little story about when I was listening to your podcast.

A couple weeks ago I got an email that told me I was going to be a dad. My husband and I have been trying to adopt and I was on a walk and I was listening to you guys as I read the note that we had been matched. So you will always be in my life now because I'm going to remember that moment for the rest of my life. So thanks for all the laughs and for keeping me laughing through lots of cycle changes and bottle feedings and late nights and listening to you guys a lot while taking care of my new baby. You're all the best. Thanks so much. That's incredible. Wow.

Happy holiday. Happy holiday to the screen. Can you name a baby Howardine Scream? Howardine Scream. This child's name is Howardine Scream. Name him Dean Scream.

That's our first and only suggestion.

Or Riddle. Or Pinch. What about? Whatever your last name is, Ditch-a. Name this baby Dean S. Cream.

Well, congratulations. That's so nice. That's amazing.

Congratulations.

And when it's in the middle of the night and you're feeding that baby, turn us on and we'll make you feel worse, buddy. Don't make the baby madness even crazier. That is so exciting. That just gave me goosebumps.

That's wonderful.

Congratulations to you and your husband.

I see R.L. Stine is laying next to you.

What?

R.L. Stine is in bed next to you.

Yeah, we're together. Do you know that he didn't write goosebumps until he was 49? Something to think about?

Wow. Did you know that Alan Rickman didn't read goosebumps until he was 52?

Do you know that Howard Dean didn't scream until he was 15?

So there's still time? This whole show is ruined.

Okay, here's what I'll say.

There's still time. There's still time. It's always fun recording a lost episode.

Guys, can we do something crazy? Yes.

Do I sound like a turkey?

No one in the history of time has ever done this. You sound like a turkey drowning.

No, give it a chance. Really listen.

A turkey drowning. You sound like a turkey drowning. Thank you for giving it a chance.

I want to do something crazy.

You sound like a turkey doing an impression of a turkey. Does that make sense?

A turkey mocking its friend!

Okay, JVC hates this so much.

I'll cut it out!

Remember, this is like a tool. I think this thing is very... It's very useful. This is very useful, but it's also, in my opinion, one of the most forgotten things. You probably have owned a bunch of these in your life and lost just as many as you've owned.

I have the best follow up question. This is going to be such a good hint, I feel like, based on Janet's reaction. So if there was sort of a brave little toaster-esque movie made about this object, JBC, what would its voice sound like? Oh, I love this question.

Honestly, if I had to pick a voice for this object to sound like it would be like a, like an Englishman who is like, seen enough. Like, oh, oh, oh, there, oh, oh, no. Umbrella. It's gotta be an umbrella. Yes, it's an umbrella.

Is that real? Is that real?

That is so amazing. JBC, all I can say, all I can say,

Get into voice acting now so that when I do the Pixar Umbrella movie, did I say the word umbrella accidentally?

I'm so honored. I'm so, I do also want to see a scene, but can I just say the collective IQ of this podcast, which I guess is just one IQ now. Rose, exponentially. Each one of you. Not me. Not me. Each one of the three of you brought your own gift to that joke. Erin, had you not had that question, JPC never would have done the voice. And JPC, had you never done the voice, Adal, you wouldn't have somehow fucking immediately known it was an umbrella.

I don't know answers to Riddle's, but I know my friends. We gotta play charades. We gotta play charades.

You guys are going to be so rich, I guess, somewhere.

Somehow. Somehow. That is amazing. I do want to see a scene. I'm so sorry. I just need to say I've never been so overwhelmed that we are sick, like that there's something wrong with us and also so much like, I love it here. I absolutely love that the question I asked was useful.

That was Adal Riddle history and I was here to watch it and I feel very blessed right now. Hashtag blessed. Shocking.

I don't believe that word. I'll never get over it. I'm sorry, Adal. I'm blown away.

So this is JPC, based on the voice that you did for the umbrella that led us to the answer. This is going to be, it's not an audition. This is like onset, the actual first scene of a Mary Poppins spinoff where we follow her umbrella. So JPC, you are Mary Poppins umbrella. And then Erin and Janet, you are two young British children who are first meeting the umbrella as it falls from the sky to help them in their troubled times.

I dropped her. Oh, I dropped her. She's gone. Oh, children, children. Dry your tears. Dry your tears. She's gone. I dropped her. Oh, God. Where's Mary?

Where's Mary?

Poppins, she was supposed to be back in a minute to take us to a picnic in the park. You know what? Our parents are rubbish and we need someone to guide us through childhood.

You know what? I don't know where she is, but I can do all that. I feel very confident in doing all that for you children. You know what? Pretty soon you're not even going to remember the name Mary Poppins.

Oh Mary, my favourite person. When will she be back, Umbrella? Yeah, thanks for bringing her up.

Who wants medicine, huh?

No medicine. Would we take medicine? Exactly.

With Umbrella in charge, no more medicine, okay? We'll never have to have medicine ever again. Not no spoonful of sugar bullshit. It's no medicine.

Huzzah! But what about my sister Emily's tuberculosis? Surely she should take her medicine for that.

Which one's Emily?

I'm actually not sure.

Is it this one? Is it this one? Is she Emily?

Excuse me, what's with all the hubbub outside?

People are gathered around something in the street screaming and crying.

Well that's why we read in here. Isn't it real fast? Because we don't... Actually, it don't matter. What is happening out in the streets? We're all just going to get our story straight. We've been playing in here for hours. That's not true. No issue. You're a child. You don't know time. You don't know.

I'm very uncomfortable taking direction from someone who's clearly from a lower class than I am.

All right. All right. Good point. Here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. We're gonna play a little game. Here's the game. You like games, right? Right? I think so. Anything valuable in the house, silver, jewellery, gold, cash, any sort of paper money. Let's all gather them. It's like a little hide and seek. We gather them. We tie them in a little bindle to be all an umbrella hook. And then I'll be up and out of the chimney. And then you have a little find me game.

Mr. Umbrella, can you turn it into a song? We love it when Mary Poppins turns it into a song. Yes, it's wonderful.

I would never hit a child. What do you call a big dance in a cemetery?

Disrespectful.

Well, in some cultures, In some cultures.

Dancing on your grave. Dancing on your grave.

Hey, you can't get the hell out of here.

Sorry. So Adal, you are presiding over a burial. I don't know if it's... Burial?

Burial?

Weirdo. You're presiding over one... That's not a funeral, but what's the part of the funeral where they're just putting the body on the ground?

The funeral.

That's the funeral? Yeah, the wake.

The wake is after. No, no, yeah, the wake is, it's not the wake, it's the funeral. Right?

I don't know because you can have a funeral that's not at the grave site, right? The internment. Internment, that's it. Or it's not, we don't know, but that's what you're presiding over, Adal, you're a priest. Erin, this is a family member of mine that has passed away. We weren't very close, but you and I were newly dating and I've brought you to the funeral and you think that there is a time that you will start dancing during this.

If anyone believes that this person should not be lowered into the ground, speak now or forever, hold your peace. This is the thing our family does. We add this part.

Oh no, yeah, I get it.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to marry together this dead body and the ground.

This part I don't know about. This is new to me. Okay, yeah.

Thomas was a strong man. Some say he could bend a penny in half. No one ever saw it, but he said he could. We'd all get a chuckle. Thomas worked for Caterpillar for 42 years, receiving amongst his anniversary gifts a belt buckle, a golden lighter, I want to say. Hopefully a few races along the way, am I right? And he died. He was crushed by one of the machines here at Caterpillar.

Um, sorry, I, uh, hey everybody, I know that I am new here and you may not know who I am.

I'm Amy.

Um, I didn't know Thomas, uh, well, or at all. Um, but I do, but I do know and love his nephew. Um, so I thought that I would, um,

Stop this.

Speak from my heart. And by speak I mean dance. Do an interpretive dance to sort of show how I'm feeling and to show how much I respected Thomas' life. So I just need a word of anything at all. And I would love if you guys did some laps and claps for beats because there is no music.

No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. I'll give a word. Time. Time. Great.

That was his widow.

One piece bikini.

Nope. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

No hovering herself in caramel.

We've never said we love each other. Did you think I said that? I didn't. Stop.

Doing the flash dance move on top of the casket. Flash dance.

Hey, everybody. This is Noah. Hey Noah, don't be rude, you're intrepid.

Who's date is this?

Unbelievable. Sorry, Thomas and Steph, you know I just wanted to give everybody a quick announcement. Don't be rude. I'm a priest so can't date women so I've become a priest and I don't know.

You can't just announce yourself to be a priest. There's a lot you have to do.

No I can do it. Dearly beloved we are gathered here to marry. Someone's after my job.

I object.

Okay then we have to take the body out of the casket and someone has to slow dance with it.

I am the last child of a Titan who ate all my siblings before me. When I overthrew him, I married my sister, who I discovered was really quite boring. I slept all around, and the proof can be found in the stars and space above you. For much to my shame, the astronomers gave the names of my partners to my moons.

Well, I know the guy, the God who ate his own son, very famous portrait. Uh, maybe it's a photo. We don't know. We don't know the technology that they had, but I know that was Chup... Chup... Uh, what is his name? Juniper Chronos. Juniper Chronos. Bye forever. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

And that's why Boris Johnson is stepping down. The parliamentary elections will be here. The Tory leadership must remain strong if we are ever to overcome. It's actually a very important distinction. It is that the Labour governor... Frankly, my darling, we are gonna die.

I'm not stopping it. You're closing the whole thing.

I'm not doing it. Turn it off, Casey. Why is it so fucking long?

What the fuck? We regret to inform you that JPC, Erin Keif, and Adal Rifai have died. No.

Oh my god, that's what you would hear if you went to Hey Riddle Riddle hell, is that... Oh my god.

I think my neighbors are banging on my front door.

Yeah, there's definitely banging coming from inside of my head.

The banging is coming from inside your head.

Um, I honestly keep all of it, if anything, I'd more hard. Pay their shits and chats if you like that. You are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-chatter box. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com, so I'll show you Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get those ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there.