Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Okay, okay, okay. It's the first episode in December. Oh, Erin, should I do, should we sing like just another Cyber Monday? Like the Prince song?

That's good, that's good.

Just another cyber.

You know what I realized?

Yeah, yeah.

We did Santa stuff all year and now I feel like it's old hat. What do we do? Hey JPC!

We already have Uncle Santa. JPC, what should we do? Uncle Santa? It's our first show in December. What should we do?

I'm so glad that you guys asked and I know that I hadn't spoken yet in the episode and everyone was wondering when he speaks, is it going to be Uncle Santa? It's not.

It's like 15 seconds.

December is the wrong... I'm looking at my waveform. It was almost 30. Okay. No, no.

Now it's 30.

That can't be right. But December is not the right time for Santa. We all know that Santa happens in September and then frequently throughout the year. We don't do Christmas stuff in December.

Maybe April, May. Yes, yes, yes.

People expect that.

People think just because you can't see Santa doesn't mean he's not around. He has a life. It's like your teachers, right? When you see your teacher in the summertime, you're like, whoa, what are you doing outside the school and in July? And it's like they have wives outside of that.

And just a quick check in with our guest. Hey Becca, how much does this Christmas stuff make you uncomfortable? You want to join in on the Christmas talk? Or do you have, if you want to teach us about Hanukkah, this is the time?

No, honestly, I think that just the idea of Christmas makes people feel like they have to treat each other with more kindness. So let's just have it last as long as it possibly can. Oh.

That's pretty good.

You heard it from her, War on Christmas.

It's a religious war on Christian Christmas, everyone. And welcome back to the show. We haven't seen her since episode 29, but she's a dear friend. She's a wonderful improviser. She's a part of World News Tonight, and she's made maybe the funniest Hanukkah ASMR video I've ever seen. Welcome back, Becca Barish.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Last time on the show we started talking about how Jewish I was as well, so I'm glad that we're continuing the trend.

If it's a pattern, then it's bad.

If it's a pattern, it's bad. Two's not a pattern. Two's not a pattern.

We just can't have Becca back on. I forgot the word for it. Like a pool. Like a fantasy league. Pool. Like a draft. We're in a survivor draft together. We haven't really talked about it. How are you feeling about your picks?

I'm feeling decently. If I'm going to be honest, I entered into four with all the top picks that I thought were most likely to win so that if I won even one of them, I'd still make money no matter what. But I think in yours, I have Carla, which I'm pretty ecstatic about. I feel good, except she's been tweeting a lot, which makes me feel like that's not a good sign.

Uh oh. Wait, do these? Wait, so there's a cash prize for these, but do you have to pay money to get into it?

Yeah, usually we'll pay $5. Last year we did it, and we were all supposed to put in $5, but I don't think anybody did, and then Sean won, and then I just Venmo'd him $5 at some point.

Got it, okay. But I'm trying to figure out how your math works here, Becca. So you are in four of these. So you're basically out $20 right now.

Well, one of them is $10, so it's a bit more. But in some of them, you can draft more players. And then also on top of that, I feel like in doing my research of the players beforehand and also in diversifying and then thinking, OK, so it looks like there's 18 players. I think in all likelihood, it's probably going to come down to these eight maybe after the first episode. And of course, there is a chance that I'll absolutely lose and embarrass myself.

Sure. Yeah. And what are we talking about grand prize? What do you win if you win? Let's say you... Well, I guess you can't run the table and win all four of these because there's a four-way tie.

It's mostly pride. It's mostly pride. It's mostly pride. Yeah, one of them I think you win maybe like 60 or 70 dollars, which is nice. But for the most part, you might be bringing in anywhere between 15 to 25.

Got it, got it. Okay, so you're all in, you're out right now. $25 to $50 and you're hoping for maybe a $60 win. Becca, I gotta tell you, if you wanted a way to make $10, I got leaves to rake in my front yard and I would have given you at least double for that.

It's definitely about the pride. Because then I can say to everybody, I picked the sole survivor and they will wish they were me.

I think that you have a 50% chance of winning because you have Carla. But all the rest of yours are out. You also had Lindsay and... I don't know who else. I wrote it down and then I didn't... But I had James, Owen, and Cassidy. Yeah, we'll see. I got two in one more recording.

And I've got Owen and Cassidy and a couple other ones.

Oh man, how do you know who to roof for when you're watching?

It just feels like an emotional mess. I think in the ones where I have to choose just two people, I'm really paying close attention. You think I've lost the audience yet? No, no, no, I think they're all completely on your side. Okay, great.

It was a talk about Christmas, then we pivoted into Hanukkah, backed away very quickly from that, and pivoted into a survivor podcast.

Can I say a Christmas thing really quickly? Yeah, please. Okay, so Jewish children... No, from the beginning. Let me tell you a little something about Jewish children, okay? Is this a poem? Yes. Jewish children know from the start that Santa's not real, right? And I just don't think they're given enough credit for keeping their mouths shut and not ruining it for all the other children that believe that Santa's real for so long. Like for you, was Christmas ruined by a little Jewish child?

Never.

For other reasons.

But isn't that so crazy? Like that is wild. That the respect that the Jewish kids have. They go, you know what? Let them believe in that fake magical guy. Exactly. Never. That never happened.

Jewish children and Rob White's children immediately know Santa is not Rif.

Was he like... Yeah, I would say I would say I was the little Jewish child for a bunch of the Catholics that I went to school with because we didn't really have Santa growing up and so I was like oh no Santa's not real at all and so in a way I got to I got to experience that and it was by the way Becca very nice to do so kudos for the little Jewish children out there who are not doing it because you know it's gonna feel good I guess yeah there's something about that

From Hey Riddle Riddle to every Jewish child, thank you so much for your service. Well Becca, you've been on before, it's been a few years, but you know the deal, you know the spiel. I'm going to toss out some old man pussies. Also, I guess here's what I want to say, just to mix things up a little bit. Wow. JPC and I were hanging out last night, Erin, and we were talking, I brought up that I think Hoagie would be a good nickname. Now JPC vehemently did not want the nickname Hoagie.

I said hoagie is a good nickname. I don't know if I'm a hoagie. I don't know if you could be like, what's up hoagie? And it just doesn't feel good for me.

So last night I landed on Slappy Cohen. Okay. And hoagie, and if you will, Erin, hoagie keif.

Well, that feels a little unfair that I have the nickname run off.

Do you know what I mean? You're like the second child where it's like our first favorite name was this so we named our first child this. As the second child, you can be pretty dang sure that this was our second choice. It's not our third because it's also the middle name.

Erin, if you will, Hoagie was what I was most excited about. JPC simply said it's not for him.

Adal, can I ask a follow-up question? Adal, were you calling JPC hoagie because you liked the nickname hoagie and you were like the first person I see I want to give it to? Or was there anything about JPC that made you feel excited about that being the one? Because when you get a name you want to feel like it's relevant to you, no?

It's pure proximity. It's also the same way that Erin's getting it right now.

Erin's just another person that you've seen in the last 24 hours.

The point of a nickname is how affectionate it is because of its specificity to that person. Either an inside joke or a moment you both experience or a fun way to say their name. Hoagie is nothing for no one.

Well, Casey, now by the way, Casey in the chat says Hoagie Tony has a good ring to it.

Oh, we love Hoagie Tony.

Yeah, it's unreal that you didn't just give Casey the Hoagie nickname.

Okay, so Casey's Hoagie Tony. We have Slappy Cohen.

Casey, you didn't have to do that.

Casey Dovah, that grenade.

Actually, have you ever had a nickname? Have I ever had a nickname? Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say that maybe if we're also doing different names for Hoagies based on what just happened, Erin's nickname should be sub. Okay.

What's up Keif?

What's up Keif?

I like it. Becca Boo, I got Reebie Chwella, Reebie, Reeb, Reeb Nasty, Bacaw was a lot of middle school so yeah I've kind of been through Reeb Nasty.

Reeb because my name is Reeba McIntyre.

It was just my name's Rebecca. Oh, your name's Rebecca. Nice to meet you. The woman doing my facial this morning also was like, your name's Rebecca. That's a beautiful name. And then proceeded to tell me how bad my skin was.

This is gonna seem like a stupid question. I'm so sorry. Your first name is Rebecca. Is your last name Riberish?

Rebecca Rubeirish.

My name of course will be Mr. Tutankhamun.

I have to quickly tell Becca something. I got a facial for my birthday.

The Anesthetician?

Is that what they're called? Oh, that's different than an anesthesiologist. I was like, I don't think that's the right thing. Oh, she put me asleep. She got the epidural, right?

I always get the epidural.

Don't do it now. Halfway to the facial, she's like, I'll have it now. They're like, too late. We can't give it to you.

And she asked me, and this was right before my birthday, and she asked me how old I was. She looked at my skin and I went, I'm 30. And she went, no, no, how old are you like right now? And I was like 30. And she was like, oh. So retinol is so good. And I was like, oh no, you thought I was way older than 30 based on my skin.

What the fuck is wrong with people? If someone's like, how old are you? And you say 30, they go, no, you're aged right now.

Fuck you. It's also, what does that even mean? What could you have thought she was asking?

Is that an LA thing?

Hey Riddle Riddle. I just thought it was so interesting that she was like clearly freaking out the whole time and then waited until three quarters. Yeah like unfortunately the question was like if I had said 12 would she have been like well we're only gonna do 75% of this.

I wouldn't have agreed to start if I thought that you were 12.

If she said I thought you were 12 you should decide and be like oh thank god I am 12. Finally we're all letting our shields down.

All right, I'm ready for some riddles. Sorry. Well, let's let our shields down and toss some riddles our way so we can try and solve them. Here's a quick little warm-up riddle. What sport starts with T, has four letters in it, and is played around the world? Okay.

Oh, golf.

I know what it's telling us is to say golf, right?

He said warm-up.

Oh, it's a warm-up. Becca got it. It's golf. Okay, got it.

Okay, good.

It starts with T, has four letters.

I've never golfed.

You've never golfed? No. I love mini golf or putt putt. I forget the difference. One is like novelty. I like whatever the novelty one is because one is just like practicing putting and one is like there's windmills and angry gorillas and sharks and stuff.

Did you play putt putt on the computer?

The video game? Yeah, in the 90s. Oh, the video game. Maybe.

There's a little car.

Is it a little car? It's like a computer game for PC. That and like Spy Fox and the fish one. People know what I'm talking about.

We all know what you're talking about. Yeah, the fish one.

Yeah, the pajama Sam or whatever.

Erin, have you ever been golfing?

No, can you imagine me golfing?

Honestly, Becca, what about you? You golfed, right?

I love mini golf. I'm dying to golf golf, but I haven't yet.

Wow, okay. I used to golf when I was in like grade school. I guess I went through K-8. Money fingers. Growing up I had two uncles who were golf course superintendents and my grandpa loved to golf so it's just like we everybody in my family like golfed a little bit but I was not like my cousins were like good at golfing and I but here's the thing about golf. It's actually kind of an enjoyable sport. I can see the appeal of golf. It's like you're outside, you're moving, you're walking, you do a lot of walking. I guess some people like riding carts or whatever, but we never did that because we didn't have cart money.

I do want to see a scene. JPC is the golf expert. You'll be on the course first hole or whatever they call it, and you'll be golfing. Leave it to the golf expert. Becca and Erin are your plus ones. They've never golfed before and they can't really get a grasp on what to do. They're maybe doing things a little wonky.

Awesome. Thank you guys so much for coming out with me. Basically, I'll just go first and then I guess kind of just watch what I do and if you have any questions, you know, let me know. And then we, is that cool? I mean, I don't want to be too instructive because it's your first time, you know?

Honestly, I'm just excited someone brought me to a golf course before Mr. Fancy Pants. I've never experienced something like this before.

Yeah, I hope we don't embarrass you. I hope we don't say something too poor and embarrass our friend.

It's okay. I understand that it's an upper-crust thing and I met you two at a sweatshirt shop. But no, it's totally fine. You can just say shop. What's that?

It's just a shop, right? Most shops just sell sweatshirts. What else are you going to have?

Well, I mean, most shops sell sweatshirts, but they sell other stuff too. I think the store that I met you at was just sweatshirts, as I recall.

Right, it's just if they're not selling sweatshirts.

And swing! Ow! Ooh, okay, okay. Yeah, you're gonna injure yourself if you just... Why don't you watch me go first? Because you just one-handed swung that golf club all the way around your body. I'm gonna go for... Yeah, it's a window. Wow, someone's golfed before. I'm going to line up my thumbs here, okay? It's on the hips, stand back, ball on tee, and then kind of... Don't look at where you're going, look at the ball, okay?

Make sure you keep your eye on the ball and... Hold on, I want to see it from this angle straight ahead.

No, see? No, that's directly in front of me. So that's the trajectory where the ball is going to go.

But I can't see what you're doing if I see the back of your head. I'm going to run with the ball.

I don't know. Okay.

When the ball gets hit, I'm going to run with it. And I'm going to see if the ball beats me or if I beat the ball and whoever gets the whole first. That's such a good idea, Tiff. Go do it.

The ball will absolutely beat you. About 15 feet in front of you is a water feature on the course. You will fall right into that if you try to chase that ball.

You never see me run. You never see me swim.

Okay, why don't we try this? Outstanding. Would we call Brian Setzer the king of swing?

Boo? The Brian Spencer Orchestra.

Right? Yeah. Exactly. Jump dive and whale maybe?

It's an opportunity to boo Adal for being old, but I guess old ass Becca stepped right at them.

Old ass 12 ass Becca. Here's another Riddle. The pitch was perfect. The crowd ummed and awed, but no bat was swung and it was not called a ball or a strike. What's going on? Were they watching the movie Pitch Perfect?

Oh, they were camping. I bet they pitched a tent.

It was the perfect pitch.

The pitch was perfect. JPC, you're pretty close. Oh, pitch perfect too.

Thank you.

The pitch was a high C note by a contestant in a voice contest. I like to see a scene.

Um, you are an acapella group about to compete and Becca, you're trying to motivate them to not let you down. You really are trying to rally the troops. Okay.

Okay guys, this is not a joke. Okay. This is the real thing. Are you guys ready or what? Cause I'm just kind of freaking out about this and I feel like I don't want to waste the entire semester and all the work we put in.

Trisha, can I just say ever since you joined Acapella Greeno, I just feel like it's work. It used to be fun and now it's work.

Why are we doing this, if not to win the trophy? Isn't that the whole reason why we're all here?

If we're trying to win the trophy, but we don't want Trevor to rap, I don't know. I mean, we're just not gonna get the trophy.

I think the thing is, you're putting raps into songs that don't have raps. If we were doing a song like that... That's where the raps go!

What do you mean? That's where the raps go. Turnback time should have a rap in it.

Okay, let's go.

If you put a rap into a song with a rap in it, it's too much rap.

Why is the announcer running around the microphone?

If I could turn back time If I could find the way

I'm a farmer, y'all. Farmer Bon. I got a bond with a horse inside. Nay nay, said the horse. What the fuck are you doing?

Let me rap.

Why are you letting him rap? Wait a minute. It's perfect. It's perfect. Don't stop him. No one stop him. Go. I was going to rap like a Brit.

Trevor does the British accent. Don't let Ryan rap.

Trevor, you go. If you want to rhyme like Dizzy Rascal, go ahead. Or the streets?

Oi gov, oi bruv. It's all the good, it's all biscuits in it. Everybody win it. Win the race. Race, race, race. It's outer spice. If you like to eat a big bowl of soup and fish sticks too. That was the best I've ever done it.

That was the best I've ever done it. You guys, the beginning of that sounded unnecessarily good and listenable to me. You guys did a pretty good job. That sounded really nice.

We can do acapella. We can do acapella.

Pretty good. When I was in college, my improv group was asked to do an improv opening for the Jewish acapella group on campus. And we decided that we would practice and do an acapella song really, really well to do a better job singing acapella than they did as part of the acapella group. And we sang that like, Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. You know, from Sistrac II. I think when Jesus washed, it was incredible. And then we opened, everyone was just like, what? And then they just did the worst after practicing for an entire semester.

Becca, can I ask you a question? Did they ask an improv group to open for an acapella group because they wanted even less fucking people to see the show?

Come on.

No, it's fair. It's fair. They're both bad. They're both bad.

No. That I want to say.

I have something I want to say, and it could get me in trouble, it could get the podcast in big, big trouble. I hate to do this with a guest on the show, but... In case you get that bleep key ready. A friend of ours, and somehow, if tomorrow I wake up dead, you know why. A friend of ours went to college, speaking of, this is based on Pitch Perfect. A friend of ours went to college. With the gentleman who calls himself Falula Borg. Now, this gentleman is not German. Is that a Teletubby? What's a Falula Borg?

That can't be your follow-up question to everything, JPC. Is that a Teletubby? It doesn't apply to everything.

He's very well known actor who is always playing German and I've looked online and everyone says like he's born in German, this German actor. So Hollywood just calls him a German actor, but it's a ruse. It's a joke. It's a, it's a falsehood.

I don't want to get in trouble, Adal. Stop blowing up people's spots.

Wait, so what are you worried about? Are you worried that you weren't supposed to blow the guy's cover that went to college with your friend and your friend will be mad for blowing another person's cover and your friend will then murder you?

Stop saying blowing, Becca. Please. That's what I'm worried about.

Wait, was this a college that had like a no Germans policy? Like, where's the part where this guy's not a German? Could he be a German person that went to the college?

This actor has passed himself off as German in Hollywood for 15 years now. The cover that I'm lifting up and exposing light to is the fact that he is not German. He's from, I want to say North Carolina, and he speaks normal and he... Well, that sounds rude.

It's you not German, Adal. Adal, let me put the shovel away from you so you stop digging. Please, I'm digging. I love the idea of someone being like, I'm not, I'm having trouble making it in Hollywood. What's going to get my foot in the door? I gotta be more German.

You just gotta find your niche.

That was pretty good, but maybe a little bit more German.

Falula Borg is also an MC, rapper, and hype man, so Falula Borg, challenge to you, beat my rap. If you could do it better, you could have the podcast.

And I think you rhymed good with, isn't it?

What makes something a riddle? This is what makes something a riddle.

Vance went out in the rain for 20 minutes. He came in soaked to the skin, except for his head. He had on no cap or hat. How did he do this?

It was the head of his penis.

Becca? Becca? Becca? The head of his penis.

It's a duck. It's a person with a... You know what?

I'm gonna grab my suitcase out of my closet. Did you say it's a duck?

You know what? I had a lot of fun on the show and I was here for 200 something episodes. Becca, if you don't mind, I'll pass the baton to you.

I do want to see you soon. Erin and Becca you are on this is like I don't know if it's speed dating but you're at something where you're like getting to know each other at a bar or something kind of quickly. Erin you are a duck trying to disguise yourself as a human and just a little bit into the conversation or the first initial meeting everything falls apart and you are always revealed.

I love your vest. I just wanted to say that.

Oh, thank you. This old thing?

Yeah, it's cute. I feel like you don't see vests so much anymore.

So do you have siblings? What's your family like?

Yeah, I have. Actually, I have a number of siblings and my family is just really kind. They're kind of who I am. You know, when I think about who I am, I just think about my family because that's kind of just like the backbone of what makes me me is everyone in my family.

Wow.

How about you? And I love that family first. Quack!

Quack! Um, no, I don't do that.

And I don't know no drugs at all.

Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, me neither. That was a test and you passed. No, thank you. No drugs, family first. It's like we were made for each other. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

No, I don't want drugs. I don't like, I don't really know how to tell you this. It's like if you can tell me just not my, it's not my thing in no form. So thank you.

Oh, the waiters here. Hi. Um, could I have And what do ducks eat?

Can I have a water? Worms I want to say, little fish. I mean if we're going for a gel cancer, quackers.

I'll take the quackers and whatever the fish of the day is.

And I guess I'll just order when I'm ready. I'm just going to need a couple of minutes, but you can definitely put in their order and I'll just take some time to think about what I want.

I'll come back and I'll have everyone repeat themselves.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

Also, if you look out the window to the right, um, someone on the course is racing a golf ball.

Oh my gosh. Wow.

It's pretty wild. I'll be right back.

So how about you? Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Do you like swimming in the water?

Yeah, usually when I swim I like it to be in the water. How about you? What about you in terms of like your family, water, swimming, everything?

I like my legs to move real quick under the water, like to sort of glide.

You've got really wide feet. What size shoe are you? Both in length and width?

I'm three inches length and then width is about three inches. Uh, yeah, normal. Like a circle. Yeah, sort of a normal foot size. Hey, listen, um, I'm a duck.

Yeah, I know. I just, it's so hard dating in the city at this point. I just, I don't even care. Like, as long as someone wants to go out with me, it really doesn't make a difference to me. I think that was pretty clear. Yeah. I'm a good guy.

Do I have sex in the bathroom? Is that what you're going to say?

Outstanding. There are no good single ducks in New York City.

Let me repeat this riddle one more time. Vance went out in the rain for 20 minutes. He came in soaked to the skin except for his head. He had on no cap or hat. How did he do that?

He came in soaked to the skin.

He came in soaked to the skin. Sounds like something a serial killer would say. He came in soaked to the skin except for his head. He had on no cap or hat.

No cap?

This is true?

No cap? Okay. Did he just have like a big wild mess of hair that kept it off of his skin?

Warm. You're getting warmer. I would say he probably had a wild mess of hair. His name is Vance. Does the name matter? Good question. I mean, everyone's name matters because that's his identity.

I guess I have a question to go back to earlier when I was saying, what makes something a wrap? What makes something a cap? Like, is a cap any head covering?

Interesting, interesting. Now a cap, the difference between a cap and a hat as I understand it is in the spelling one. Okay. And a cap I believe doesn't have to have a brim. Is that true?

So there's a cap and a hat and there's a cap and hat which has a little anchor on the top of it and it's all white.

And famously you and the cap and make it happen, which I think is a sexual innuendo. Yeah, for fucking the captain. We all agree our first crush is Captain Crunch, right?

No, it's Simba. Simba halfway across the log. I've said this.

Yeah, you have though. You said this enough that I know this about you.

I mean, we've mentioned on this podcast before, Nala, fuck me eyes. Yeah. Big part of this podcast early on.

You get a little glimpse of him and then he's gone around that lot.

I also remember going like, if you're attracted to that cat, do you think you're going to be attracted to the cats and cats? And you said no. And then did that turn out to be true? Or were you attracted to some of the cats and cats?

I watched the Skimbleshanks song a lot, but I think I'm attracted to the talent, not the cat.

I wish I was that.

Railroad, baby. Is a helmet a cat?

Is it a turtle?

It's not a turtle. Turtle can put their head inside their shell and not get it wet. That is, JBC, that's better than the real answer.

Hell yeah. Oh, okay.

But I will say... I was surprised, of course, was the fox made marion.

God, I will say that I don't think a turtle... Advance is not a good name for a turtle. I will just say, if you have a turtle in advance, I think it's time to change the turtle's name. Yeah.

What do you think a good turtle name is? That's a good question.

Mr. Spooky. Camomile. Taco Frank.

Well, I cannot believe how many good ones you guys have.

So, JPC, you're very close with he had a big mess of hair.

Can you repeat it one more time?

Vance went out in the rain for 20 minutes. He came in soaked to the skin, except for his head. He had on no cap or hat. So I'll give you a hint. He was wearing something, but it just wasn't a cap or a hat. What skirts those? A hood? It wasn't an umbrella or a hood.

This is more a sort of a vanity project.

A wig? Specifically? A toupee? A toupee. He was wearing a toupee so the top of his head was dry.

We should go on a break so I can think about this.

So this man has a toupee on. He goes out in the rain. He comes back in and takes a toupee off and his head is dry? No. Did he have a tarp under the toupee? What the fuck is happening under this toupee?

JPC, since you've said toupee so many times, will you take us to break with the famous Shakespearean monologue, toupee or not toupee?

Yes, absolutely. Othello. Okay. You caught me. It was me. It was Iago. I did it. But here's the deal, my man. I was jealous of you. And guess what? Made you kill your wife. So... Got one over on you, homie. We'll be right back.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye.

And we're back. Oh, that's weird. My TV just turned on. Huh. It's weird, it's December, but is this the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade? No, this is some other sort of parade. What is that? Is that some sort of animal parade?

Wow! I said yay, Erin said wow. I was excited, Erin was surprised.

Thank you for your feigned enthusiasm and your own Wilson impressions.

You're welcome for my feigned enthusiasm.

Thank you, Becca. Ah, everyone's favorite question mark segment, Animal Parade. We have, thank you so much for your emails. If you have an Animal Parade article, please send it to hrrpodcast at gmo.com. We do have one recent one from Amy C. Amy C says, hi folks.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Did we just start the Animal Parade segment and not do the song?

Do we do the song after the article or beforehand?

No, because the way that you introduced it was I thought the song was the entire segment. So we start the song before we do anything else.

Amy C won't let me be, you let me be.

Okay, here we go. Fine, JBC. We'll have it your way, I guess, the way we've always done it before. Okay, Becca, you'll go last. How about I'll go first, and we'll go from here.

And then wait, I'll go second, and then JBC goes third.

Perfect. It's always fun to play a game where everything's prescribed.

And I hope I figured out by the time it comes to me. You will. You will. Context-exclusive.

You'll get it. An eel who's been circumcised.

A penguin with an apron.

A rhino with a PhD.

I don't understand it at all.

A starfish with a smoking habit.

A wolf with a phone call.

A turtle named Mr. Spooky.

A ferret with a nice new pen.

We set you up for success, Becca, and you let us down.

I'm dying.

This went better than... I was so ready to rhyme.

He's like, he's been circumcised. I'm like a bat who wished he could use his eyes. But then like people started saying things that didn't rhyme. And then I was like, okay, so we're not rhyming. I think we're just saying... Hold on. Okay, yeah.

Becca has a phenomenal point. Why has Animal Parade never rhymed? I blame myself. Mostly. I'm sure you blame me as well because I introduced this. Let's do another round. This time it must rhyme. We're gonna do AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB.

AABB.

AABB. AABB. AABB.

AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. AABB. A

Well, how does AABB not make sense? In terms of, Erin pays off my rhyme, JPC sets up, Becca pays off his rhyme. Does that make sense?

It's not ICIC, it's AABB. We can try ICIC.

I thought it was an elimination game where you come up with a word to rhyme and then we have to go until someone can't rhyme.

Becca, can you stay? I actually can't be here by myself anymore. Can you please stay?

I would absolutely love to. I can't be here by myself anymore. Erin, how many people do you think are fucking here right now?

This is what I mean though.

We have to do the rhyming and I'm great. Here we go. A frog on a piece of bread. A raccoon with some pencil lead.

A giraffe in a homestead.

A octopus trying to get some head.

Yes, Becca.

All legs, no head.

Adal, do one more. Now that we do it, now that we know it, we'll start another one.

All legs, no head. All legs, no head. That's the sweater he wears. Becca, you've suggested that it rhymes. Give me 50% of whatever profit you make.

All legs, no head.

She said yeah, yeah, yeah, like you're not going to.

You've only ensured that Erin can no longer participate in the game, basically.

I got it, I got it, all right, ready?

Okay. Okay, here we go. A fly inside a house.

A camel with a best friend mouse.

A flea making love to a louse. A goose whose favorite food is grouse.

Ooh, cannibalism.

We did it. Animal parade.

Animal parade. Animal parade. That sucks if your favorite food is this thing that you are. That sucks.

Do you tell people?

No. I think you just say pizza. You just say, pizza, I don't know, pizza.

Can I set up a scene? Yeah. Okay. So you're all at a dinner party and JPC is a cannibal and it's sort of kind of just like testing the waters to get a sense of like if other people would potentially be down but not so sure yet.

Get it.

Cool.

Clink, Clink, Clink, Clink. Thank you all for coming. I'm so excited to Break in our new kitchen as you know it's been under construction for about six months and we love our new converted bowling alley table it just has so much character has so much shine please use the coasters I provided and let's go around and let's just all in case we don't know each other let's introduce ourselves I'm Frank of course you all know me I'm the host nice to see everyone Beverly let's go over to you hi I'm Beverly I know Frank from work but now we're starting to be good friends we go to trivia together sometimes so it's been a lot of fun

Hey everybody, I'm Dustin. I know Frank from church. We both go to the same church. I came hungry Frank, so I am looking forward to whatever you are serving up. Frank, I hope we're not eating the body of Christ tonight.

It's a church joke. You don't have to say church joke.

I was doing it for Beverly's sake. I didn't see Beverly didn't know if you were... Oh, I'm sorry.

Just because Beverly knows me from work doesn't mean she doesn't know what church is. I should say that. And just because I know... Oh, fuck. I want to say Frank. Just because I know Frank from church doesn't mean he doesn't know what work is. Wait, you're Frank. Or working hard or hardly working. Sorry, churching hard or hardly churching. So we have some quail today, I have some quail.

I hope it's not Dan Quail.

Hmm?

The former Vice President? I think he ran for Vice President.

Was he Vice President? No, didn't he miss no potato? Are you a single friend from church? I could have swore he was Vice President.

I am a single guy, for sure I'm a single guy. Anyway, either way, as long as it's not Dan Quail.

I made some finger food. Hi everyone, it's so nice to see you. Hi, sorry I was in the kitchen slaving away. Thank you so much for having us over to your beautiful new place. Of course, of course. It's just nice to have people around.

Oh, this finger food looks delicious Veronica. I hope there's no bones in this. Because of eating fingers. Which would be gross, right? I mean it'd be weird. Hey, let's do a dinner game. It's like a hypothetical game. Say you killed someone. Not your fault. Hit him with your car or something like that. Man-slaughter, not murder.

You told me. You wouldn't tell anyone. Do you eat the meat?

You couldn't tell anyone. Listen, I was in church. Frank was next to the confessional. Who stands next to a confessional? He said he won't go to the cops. Frank, go ahead.

Anyway, I'm ready to tuck in to whatever else we have coming up as an entree for the night.

But not the fingers, right? Right, though?

No, Veronica, you make an excellent point. We won't be eating real fingers, will we? Because Veronica, right, that would be... Delicious.

I mean suspicious. I mean quack.

Delicious and suspicious. You say you know her from work, Frank? I know Beverly from work, yes. I know Beverly from work, I know Frank from church, and Veronica is my wife.

Oh, Veronica's your wife, you know Beverly from work, and I'm your church guy. Okay, okay, okay.

Veronica, what do you think? My favorite part of a dinner party is when everyone keeps going around and trying to remind each other their names and how they know each other. It's just a fun little thing in case anybody's forgotten, but yes, I am. Hey Riddle.

Yeah, you know, I have to admit something. I know we're not in church, but I do have to confess as a youth, Frank, I used to bite my fingernails and I would just, I'd bite my fingernails and I'd eat my boogers and I would just think to myself, I'm like, if I keep this up, I'm going to waste away to nothing.

I think it's so funny how society dictates. They put us in these little boxes. They say, Veronica, you're her wife. Beverly, you're this work. You know, Frank, you're also here. And they put us in these little boxes. And they dictate what we are and who we eat and what we do and who we eat.

But why?

What's that?

What are you? Yeah, what are you, Frank?

You know, have you ever heard of the term think outside the box?

Yeah, I think, well, I prefer to think outside the bun. Not a cannibal.

Oh, me too. Thank God. Okay, good.

We know each other from cannibal jerks.

She drives me crazy.

Underrated song. We do have to go back to Amy C. Amy C says, Hi folks, this seems like a good fit for an animal parade. A turkey named Kevin terrorizing a town? Keep up the good work from Amy C. So Amy C sends this article and I'm dying to know what was fully going on here. This is a turkey who's terrorizing a greater Boston area city. This is from the Guardian. The headline is, he kind of amps them up. Kevin the ringleader as Turkey terrorizes Massachusetts town. Residents of Woburn W-O-B-U-R-N Woburn near Boston, subjected to attacks and intimidation by a group of wild turkeys, and especially Kevin. This is from The Guardian, which is a respected news source, I believe.

This shit is not funny. Wild turkeys are so scary.

Very funny.

Like so scary. I don't think you've been around like four foot tall wild turkeys. Genuinely terrifying.

Correct.

Four feet tall? Yes. Are you kidding? Okay.

That would be like the Home Depot skeleton being a hundred feet tall.

Yeah, Erin, I gotta say four feet does seem pretty big for a turkey.

Four feet tall, four feet wide.

It's a chode. It's a turkey square. Erin, are you going to be okay if I read this article?

I'm googling. Yes, please keep going.

It's a time of year again when millions of turkeys across the U.S. might justifiably fear for their safety. So this is from a month ago. But the small town of Massachusetts, the birds have been turning the tables, ganging up to terrorize residents with pecs, kicks, and loud clucking. Now, Erin, is that track with what you've experienced with wild turkey?

Yes. They're so scary.

The turkey is led by a male bird nicknamed Kevin, which is fitting for our show, Kevin's and Susie's. And he has a nickname. The nickname Kevin arrived two years ago, so this is their territory. Wow. Wow. Initially the birds were docile, but as time passed they have become even more pugnacious, great word, leaving whoa burners fearful for their safety and forced to adapt to their behavior. They won't let you out of your house, said Megan Tolson. Yep. Who lives in Wilburn and has named the turkeys? They peck at cars.

They peck at cars? Don't laugh. This shit is not funny.

This is like a Wallace and Gromit movie.

I also don't know what makes Kevin so much worse than the other ones.

He got a bad name. Bad attitude. They peck at cars, they stop traffic, they go after kids on bikes. If you're walking or jogging or anything like that, they come for you. This is amazing. The population of wild turkeys has ballooned in Massachusetts in the recent years. The birds, which were reintroduced to the state in the 1970s, sleep in trees, or even on lampposts at night. But during the day, the Woburn Gang of Five spends most of his time on Tolson's lawn. So it seems like it's a gang of five we know, and they purely hang out on this woman's lawn. And she's also the one who's like snitching on them. Yeah, yeah.

She's protecting her life here, Adal. They are so aggressive.

I think she's trying to be famous.

Okay. I just emailed all of you and I'd like to hear your reactions.

Okay. Okay. I do have to, I do have to read one more line from the article. This is Megan again. This is Megan Tolson. Some days it's frustrating. I'll be like, Oh my God, there's an Amazon package and I can't go get it because the turkeys are on the porch.

I'm looking at a picture right now.

This is a picture of a group of ostensibly wild turkeys. But in looking at this picture, am I to believe that these are four feet tall creatures?

They're genuinely like three feet tall.

Erin, I could send you a picture of E. McKellen standing next to Elijah Wood and you would be a gag.

I will say I did Google it while Erin was finding this photo, which is terrifying. The average height for a turkey is six feet zero inches. Hey Riddle.

You're more aware of my bisexuality much earlier. Not to assume this is a lady turkey, but... Now we're talking turkey. And I love the idea that this woman who looks like around the same size as the turkey might just be a two-foot woman.

I do want to see a seat.

I'm sorry, wait, first of all Becca, I do regret sending you such a sexy picture of a turkey. I feel like I gave you more on my side.

I can't fear what I'm a turkey pig. This is an absolute sexy turkey pig.

That's part of it. Put some mustard on that, some rye. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a local Massachusetts woman. You have been terrorized by these turkeys. JBC and Becca, you are two of the turkeys and you keep trying to find different ways to trick Megan, sorry, Erin's character, whatever she may be called. You're trying to trick Erin's character into coming outside onto the lawn so you can peck at her and do whatever. And this is, we're just seeing a few of your methods. Okay.

Who's at the door? Doorbell. No, no, no. Get outside. I swear to God, no, get off my porch.

Oh, look at this. It's a big cup of Dunkin' Donuts. It's called cold coffee. Hot, cold day, cold coffee out here. What's in it? Three cream, four sugar.

Dang, that's my order. Shit.

Your son's out here. He's got four compliments for you. He wants to tell you how good old mom you've been.

Yeah, he's got three more hot compliments right off the presses. Come on out.

Let me have one now so I can hear him.

My mom's a Tom Brady of moms.

Dang, that's the nicest thing you could ever say to me. Damn. Hmm. Are you sure you're not those wild turkeys that have been trying to claw my eyes out? Because you were great for a long time and then you laughed!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, you know, that's interesting. We heard about those wild turkeys. Actually, I think they all die. Right, Kevin? Oh, really? I mean, not Kevin, not Kevin.

No.

But Kevin... It's Meghan.

Meghan. That's my name.

Weird coincidence.

My name is Meghan, too. Oh yeah, you know there's a couple wild turkeys that have really they like robbed a couple banks in town, they ran for public office, didn't agree to clean up the dirty water in Boston Harbor. Uh, you're not those turkeys. You're not like scary, departed turkeys, right?

You're just normal human people. Do we seem wild to you?

I think we sound pretty domesticated. Guess what, assholes? I got a ring light for Christmas. You can't fool me. I can see you out there with your swords. Why did you get weapons? Honey, who's at the door? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no. I think I'm married to a turkey, married to a turkey, and I'm a marriage dog.

I'm coming this fall to ABC.

Married to a turkey, eh? You don't have to be that turkey.

I mean, it's basically king of queens, right?

Yeah. She's the one who's married to the turkey in King of Queens.

Let's be clear, she's married to a fucking turkey. Kevin James, absolute turkey of a man.

Turkey! And you're a turkey of the month. Put him up on the board. Kevin James, you're a turkey.

Puffed out.

It's Kevin James terrorizing that Massachusetts town. It's him and a bunch of other wild turkey.

Paul Blart Mall Turkey. Paul Turkey Mall Turkey. Paul Blart breast meat. Let's go to another riddle. Unless we have any more animal frayed ideas. We'll move on. I guess no more animal parade for this episode, but I feel bad about it because I feel like had I known it I would have had a lot of fun.

No, no, no.

Had you known you had fun? I thought you did have fun. I had fun. So you were faking.

No, I had so much fun. I guess I just wanted to do a good job for everybody.

Hey Becca, you don't have to have fun or do a good job here. That's not what this show is. Yeah, that's not what it's ever been. So you're good.

You're good. I actually can't tell the difference between someone faking that they're having fun and someone having fun.

I just want to do a good job. I do like the idea of next time we have a guest on being like, hey, this is kind of how the show goes. Listen, you're not expected to have fun. You don't have to do a good job. Hoagie Tony will fix that in editing.

A parent trying to have fun. Love it.

Well, now we have to rhyme that. Okay, so here we go. Becca, you say that we're going to rhyme this all the way through. A parent trying to have fun. A scorpion with a gun.

An otter laying out in the sun.

A dog who hates days that start with mud. Animal parade. Wasn't that worth it, everyone?

Yeah, that was great. I had fun, whatever.

Now here's where our podcast Robert Frost in terms of these paths diverge. Should we do 20 more of those?

Let's do one more riddle.

I love it when Robert Frost gives you the option.

How about this? When you come up with what you think the answer to the riddle is, you have to do it to the animal parade rhythm.

That's great. Becca, you've been improving this podcast since 2022. Since December 2022.

My favorite Robert Frost poem. Two roads diverge in a yellow wood. Uh, one of them, there's like a bunch of orcs. Would you like to hear that one? Or the other one is like a sleepy house. There's like a good path.

There's like a good path and then one leads to Derek's house and Derek's notoriously an asshole.

You don't like those. You don't like those. There's a third path. I just saw a third path. A third path is Iron Man.

Adal, I need to fact check you, but Becca technically improved this podcast when she was on our Patreon for our 420 episode and did the Howdy Downey.

Oh, that's right. I totally forgot. Becca, this is a third time guesting. You were on our 420 Patreon podcast where we all, some of us, got stoned and wrote riddles that could not be deciphered.

They were amazing and actually I recently retold one of my riddles that I thought was good that y'all thought was terrible to see if someone could get it and then they were like yeah that's a good riddle it makes sense.

So after we recorded that our listeners like flooded to your defense and were like you were wrong that riddle is amazing so we were wrong.

Wow.

Thank you.

Let's do one more riddle here while we have Becca in the studio. And by studio I mean her home in Ossining. Here's the riddle. The five men and the three women could not stay still. When observed, it was pointed out that these eight adults had little patience. Of course, said the observer. Why did the observer say of course? Why did they say of course? Can you read that again? Yes. The five men and the three women could not stay still. When observed, it was pointed out that these eight adults had little patients. Of course, said the observer. Why did these observers say of course? Okay, they had little patients. These are pediatric doctors. JBC got it in one. All eight were pediatricians. Of course, they had little patients.

I just want to say in my defense, I was going to say the same thing, but I was going to follow the rules and say it to the tune of Animal Parade, which is what we had said we were going to do. And then JPC immediately jumped the gun.

Let's hear what it sounded like if you had done it.

Pediatricians mostly men.

Pedialite drunk by a hen. Erin come on.

Erin wake up it's time for school. Stop I got a late showing of now and then.

Thank you Becca. This is so fucked up because I was literally going to say a late showing of them.

I don't know what to do now. That's so fucked up. Erin, that is fucked. Wow, Erin. Wow.

No, no, no, no, liar. No, no, no, no, no, you're a liar.

Erin, it's all fucked. So let's go ahead and end the episode. Becca Barish, do you have anything to plug?

Well World News is back in season so IO is back open so we're doing those shows. I wrote a screenplay if anyone would read it please just read it and see what we could do with it and I'll be in LA in the winter.

If they come to World News will you give them a copy of your screenplay?

They can only read a paragraph of it and then we'll try to do scenes based off of it.

Fun. Immersive. And of course, world news tonight is every Saturday at 8 p.m. at the I.O. Theatre. Becca, thank you so much for coming back on. Third time guest appearance. Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug?

Read, Becca, if it's the screenplay that I'm thinking of, it's truly one of my favorite rom-coms of all time. So if someone has any money to make a movie, please make Becca's movie because I want to see it.

Becca, can we say the working title is Good Will Humping?

Are we allowed to say that yet? I also called it my favorite rom-com. But check out sitcom D&D. The end of the season is happening right now and it's a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun guests. So check it out. Adal, anything to plug?

Yeah, a few things to plug. I recently guested on two wonderful podcasts. Please check out the Great American Pop Culture Quiz Show podcast, which I was recently a guest on, and also Tabletop Workshop, which is very hard to say. Tabletop Workshop podcast. The other thing I want to plug is, I mentioned this before, I'll say it again, January 21st, Saturday, January 21st, 2023. Hello from the Magic Tavern. We'll be playing at 4 p.m. at San Francisco Sketchfest with our guest Guy Branham. Branham? Branham? Guy Branham?

You have plenty of time to learn how to say his name.

You have like, you have a month, you have a full month. I have a full month. I'll, I'll listen to YouTube. Uh, also the very next night, Sunday, January 22nd at 4pm as well. Us three, Hey Riddle Riddle and our fourth host, Janet Varney, Janet Moore-Ferself will be playing at the San Francisco Sketch Fest. Uh, so please come see either or both of those shows. You can find tickets and more info at sfsketchfest.com. JPC, do you have any plugs?

I'm ceding my plug time for this foreseeable future to read 5 star reviews. This 5 star review comes to us from iTunes. It's from Baz8014 titled Improv for All. In this hilarious improv podcast, father-son duo of Tim and Dan along with their hilarious neighbor boss landlord therapist Damien capture the feeling of stage improv in podcast form. Weekly a diverse array of special guests bring their comedic chops for chat and prov. The show proves that improv is not dead. Baz, thank you maybe got the wrong podcast with that, which seems to be a theme. We still got the five star review though, so... Hell yeah. Pretty happy about that. Maybe a little bit of confusion there. And I will say, if you're looking for something to get us this holiday season,

Whatever holiday you celebrate, all we want for Christmas is not you, but a five-star review. If you could leave us a five-star review, that would be ever so helpful. We'd really appreciate it. And also when you're spending time at home or wherever you go for the holidays, tell your friends, tell your family, put on an episode and say, hey, you know that terrible podcast you're looking for? Listen to this. And hopefully your grandpa is Chuck Berry or something. But anyway, give us a five-star review, spread the word about the podcast, it really helps. And Erin, Erin, they do Christmas a little differently on the planet that you're from, right? Would you like to tell us about your Christmas traditions? And make it to the tune of Animal Parade?

Yeah, and just make it rhyme? Oh my god. Jupiter, Christmas, um, help! Okay, theme song, theme song, theme song.

I nailed it, I nailed it.

Hey there, elves on shelves. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We go all the way up to the North Pole for some long-form improv. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle, but join the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get those ad-free episodes, for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a Headgum podcast.