Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, what's up buddy? My possum posthumously pissed his pants. Really? It's like a defense mechanism?

Yeah, you kind of just drain whatever. That's why I'm always pissing and then saying, kill me, kill me, kill me! Because whatever is in you has to come out, you know?

Wow.

The law of in you out, yeah.

The Law of Inya Oucha. Man, where is Erin?

I don't know. You know what?

Yeah.

Why don't we just do one without her, huh? Come on. The boys. I don't know. The boys. Wouldn't it be so sweet? Come on.

We could even, we could have Arnie, we could commission Arnie. You know that, is it Tin Lizzy, Thin Lizzy? The boys are back in town. We could have, we could commission Arnie to make- To Google it. To figure out who's saying it. And then tell us. We could pay him money for that. I think $200 is fair.

Oh yeah, $200 for the work? Are we out of touch?

I don't think so. We're talking right now. We keep in touch. Oh, we keep in touch. We keep in great touch. I don't want to talk shit about Erin, but since she's not here, can I tell you something?

Uh, yeah, but I'm a little bit conflicted because it sounds like you would kind of want to talk shit about her.

I do want to talk shit about her. Don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone. I think Erin, Erin Keif, to be specific, I think Erin Keif is the coolest, fucking funniest, nice and person on earth.

Did you even read the book about shit talking that I bought you?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, $25 at the window. You obviously didn't read a fucking page.

$24.99 if the back cover is to be believed.

Okay, so what? What is this, Delaware? There's just no tax on that book? I pay tax. Where do we live, bitch? Chicago. I pay Chicago tax on that book. You know what? I don't even want the money. Venmo me $26 right now or our friendship is done. Wait, you just said you don't want the money. I do want the money. I lied.

God, Erin is the connective tissue. She's the connective tissue. Without her tethering us to reality, we go crazy.

I muscle your blood, we just don't work without tissue. Come on. Crazy Carl's Carpets. Crazy Carl's Carpets, where all the carpets are covered in squirrels.

All the carpets are covered in squirrels.

Girls squirrels.

Our carpets are nuts because squirrels cover them in nuts. God, I miss Erin. Erin, please, if you could hear us, please beam back down to Earth.

Hello. And welcome back to the Riddle Dome.

Oh no. Oh shit.

Good afternoon, Adal and JPC. Erin wanted to nap on the floor instead of recording this episode. Erin needs her rest so you'll be returning to the Riddle Dome today. She created and coded this program to be old man puzzles for her. She's well aware of how frustrating the lack of riddles and copious amounts of goofing off is for the listeners. With that in mind, she created the Riddle Dome. To quote the great Erin Keif, are you ready?

He said well-aware, and earlier you said Delaware. Are you two in cahoots?

Are you in the Riddle Dome in cahoots, J.P.C.? You think cahoots isn't Delaware? You obviously have never seen a fucking map in your life. Show me a map of Delaware! And yes, we're ready. We are ready. We're ready. Was it waiting for that?

Say the magic password at the same time to enter the Riddle Dome and learn the rules. Three, two, one.

Please.

Wow. We're good little boys. Wow, look at that.

That is correct.

Huh. I'm shocked JVC said that.

Are the rules. If you answer a riddle or question first and it's correct, you will be rewarded one point. I will call for short scenes throughout. You will be rewarded three points if you stay within the premise of the scene and do good improv.

Will that do good improv?

You will lose three points if you abandon the premise entirely or do bad improv on purpose.

Almost worth it.

You will lose two points if you tell an anecdote or a story from your life within the Riddle Dome. We have to stay focused.

This is just like the one time where I went to South Dakota. Now, there was a bear on a hill.

You will lose a point if you get too distracted while solving a riddle. You will gain three points if you can make me, an unfeeling dystopian voice, laugh. Puns are chaos points. If you make a pun and it's good, you will be rewarded ten points. If it's bad, it's minus ten points. I can also minus or add points for whatever reason, whenever I feel like.

That makes the rest of the rules obsolete, honestly. I had to go to the unemployment office last time.

One.

Unimaginably hard to describe to them.

Oh yeah, you got fired and Anthony Burch was our co-host for I wouldn't say two years.

Yeah, it was a dark few years for me. Great years for us. Great years for us.

Now remember, keep track of your point total. And no cheating because the listeners will be keeping track as well.

Can't be true.

Let us begin.

Riddle Dome, can I just say you look beautiful today. Did you polish your medal?

Plus one point.

For... Doesn't matter. If you have to ask, honey, you can't afford it.

How can you put a pencil on the floor where no one can jump over it?

Wait, are you chiding us?

How can you put a pencil on the floor where no one can jump over it?

Oh, a buzz.

Is there a buzz?

Is there a buzz mechanic? Put it up against the wall.

Minus one for each of you. I called on JPC and Adal had the correct answer.

Wait, why did I lose a point for that? He just shouted it out.

Imagine you are deserted on an island, lighted up with fire. You have no bucket, so you cannot use the seawater. How do you escape?

Buzz.

JPC.

If you can't use the seawater, because I know in a lot of countries you're not allowed to do that, you can always use the bee water. It's just as effective as a curse word, and it's not as hurtful, I think. Yeah, less of a budget. The bee water buzz.

Yes, Adal.

Uh, Riddle Dome, you simply stop imagining.

Plus one to Adal. I am a shadow during the night, but during the day I am a well-respected figure. What am I?

Buzz.

Adal. To the Swinton. No points from over-warded or lost.

Good with me. A shadow during the night, but during the day you are well-respected?

Batman? It's Batman.

That is correct. What? I would like to see a scene.

Are you serious?

Yes. Adal, you are trying to be a vigilante. JPC, you are confused because the town you live in is very sleepy. You may begin.

Oh. Excuse me. Do you live here in Sleepy Hollow?

Why, yes. Yes, I do. I'm the mayor of Sleepy Hollow.

You're the mayor? You're a female whore? Did I stand up? Kind of. Well, I have this candle because I am a vigilante, meaning I hold vigil for all people who have lost faith.

My boy, my boy, if you're trying to make a sale, you need confidence. You can't just approach a gentleman such as myself, outside of one of the nicest brothels in Sleepy Hollow, with a candle for sale, and you come up with this pish-posh, meandering, oh, excuse me sir, I have a candle, I have a candle, may you know?

Ooh, brothel, soup sounds so good right now.

Well, you're welcome to it, my boy, but I ate just about every ounce of soup in that brothel. They do have some pretty good chicken wings though, so you could check that out.

Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum. Well I was thinking of, I don't know if this town has this, but I was thinking of putting on some sort of costume preferably like black hard plastic in the shape of like a fox or something and then at night what I'll do is I'll beat the shit.

You won't be selling any candles at night my dear boy. Daytime is the day I'm to sell a candle now at night you can truly test a candle and show someone How good it is at being a candle, but then again it will be a used candle because you've lit the tip of it. Well, much to consider, I bid you a good damn. Getting into my canoe and stuff and heave.

Oh, heave. You're not going to get very far in that bee water. Or honey as I call it.

Scene. Six points awarded each for making me laugh and staying in the premise of the scene.

Yeah, mostly. Barely.

We have new upgrades added to the Riddle Dome today. Ooh. This segment is one of those new upgrades. It's called, You've Got No Excuse. In this segment, you will solve riddles that we have already done on the show before.

What a brilliant segment. What a smart segment to add to the Riddle Dome.

She called his memory fucked.

If you get these wrong, you've got no excuse. A burglar broke into a house, intending to steal from it. While still in the house, he called the police. Why?

God, this was this was on an episode that was so early on. I remember this so early on.

A burglar broke into a house.

Minus three for JPC for telling an anecdote.

Damn, dude. Um, let's see. A burglar broke into a house intending to steal from it. He called the police. Why? Not a lot of information. His dad worked for the police and he needed to ride home.

Five seconds.

This sick fuck has a fucking cop fetish. He cut himself breaking into the house. Cops come to the seat of the crowd so we can watch him as they investigate. Oh, what's going on? He's out in the bushes. He's jerking off. Oh, he was friends with Sting, EO.

Adal, you were close in one of your guesses, so one point awarded.

Hell yeah.

Once inside the house, he fell and broke his leg. It called an emergency police number for help. Though arrested, he received treatment for his leg. What was that, Adal?

Nothing, ma'am. You look great. If you are a ma'am, I don't want to presume Riddle Dome for president.

One point awarded.

Oh, nice. Buzz. You saw the table in half, you see what you saw, you get on the seesaw with somebody else, you go up and down, uh, all around the world, deaf punk. Punky Brewster, brew some coffee, coffee, FIFO, fum. You hit your fum with a hammer, love. You're in Britain.

I believe you have to look through the mirror first, and then you see what you saw.

One point awarded to JPC.

That it saw the table. Oh, but you say you wake up. What you do? You just go back to sleep. Oh. That's you of tomorrow's problem.

I would like to see a scene. You are two friends who wake up in a room with no windows and doors and you're brainstorming what to do.

Oh, what the fuck? Oh, we're fucked. We're screwed. We're fucked. We're screwed. We're fucked. Do you want to do you want to kill ourselves or each other? How do you want to do this?

I think that we do each other.

We should be punching each other. We should be punching each other.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We should fuck. We should fuck each other first.

We should procreate first just in case there's hope. There could be hope in the future.

Yeah, I don't want to get too scientific on this.

Well then don't. Here's what I... hear me out. We fuck. We have a kid. Okay? The kid is here just in case in the future these walls crumble or they find the technology to get us out of whatever this room is. We'll of course be long dead, but our child could live off the flesh of us to sustain themselves for years and years to come.

Or, counterpoint, we fuck up, we have a bunch of kids and then we eat all of the kids and that's how we sustain ourselves. Then we don't have to die.

Scene. Six points awarded each. And a bonus two points because I thought that was a great scene.

So, eight each.

Minus two points each. If you rip a hole in me, what was that? Minus one point to JPC. Minus one point to Adal. If you rip a hole in me, there will be fewer holes than when you started. What am I? One point awarded even though that was not correct.

Oh. Ass.

One point awarded even though that was not correct.

Tushy.

If you rip a hole in me, there will be fewer holes than when you started.

Oh, it's a blindfold. If a blindfold has, or not a blindfold, what do you call it, like a mask with two holes in it?

What do you call those?

Glasses. Like what the Lone Ranger wears.

A mask.

That technically works, so one point awarded.

Thank you. Yeah, I was gonna say Swiss cheese.

The answer we were looking for was a net.

I don't even know who that is. Should I Google her? Benin? We'll pay Arnie to Google. Oh yeah, he's my $200 Google guy.

Three points awarded each.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Comes with sunshine, leaves with night, hides with darkness, does not bite. Always joined to its caster, never strays from its master.

Is Batman again?

No.

Hmm. Comes with sunshine, leaves with night. Something, something, something else. Oh.

Never strays from its master.

From its master. Shadows.

Yes, that is correct. Three points awarded.

Yeah.

Or one point awarded, sorry. Two points taken away from me.

Uh-oh. Oh, a puzzle dome.

It's never happened before.

Are you going to be okay or is this sort of like a Y2K situation where we'll be perfectly fine?

I'm not sure.

A lot of hype for absolutely nothing.

What can be returned without being borrowed?

Anything at Macy's. A phone call?

That's a good answer.

A greeting.

A greeting is correct. One plain awarded. I would like to see a scene. You two are meeting for the second time. JPC, you remember meeting before, and Adal, you do not.

Hey, look at this fucking stranger. Hi, can you get out of my way? You're standing there with your arm extended. Yeah. Move your shit, dude.

Honk, honk, beep, beep. I'm sorry, is this a test? Uh, I... I really want to get the job, so I... Yeah, I guess I can move. Yes, I'll do anything that you ask of me. Huh? How's that?

You want to get the job?

Yeah, I'm Jake. From State Farm? I mean, for the interview? For the... No? Oh. I'm not Jake from State Farm. That'd be weird because I'm applying for this job at Prudential.

Okay, you're here for the interview. Well, our new applicants need to fill out an application.

I'm sorry, I'm in the second round of interviews. We had an interview yesterday. You and I did.

You're in the second round? What is this, a boxing ring? Get the fuck out of my face, dude. The second round?

Is this an elaborate test? I really want to work at Prudential if it's still an insurance company.

Okay, so if we've met before, which I assume is what you're claiming, tell me three facts about myself.

Okay. Your name is Maxwell. You went to OSU. You have, I think you said you had two daughters. No.

My name is OSU. I went to Maxwell in Rhode Island and I have two daughters.

Okay. Yes. I knew, I'm sorry. You're right. I got some details confused. But obviously, I mean, I knew I was pretty close, right? Like that's Maxwell.

Maxwell, we got Maxwell. Hey, coyotes.

You know,

Now that I'm taking stock of this room, it appears to be covered in your, I'm assuming your, feces. Your shirt looks like it's been torn apart by hand. Well, that's two armholes, but if I made a third hole... The computer screen is just punched through. You know what? I actually maybe don't necessarily want the job here.

I want to just thank you for your... I think you'll find there are no doors or windows in this room.

There's this door right here, the door I came through. Looks like you're on some sort of... I want to say maybe a peyote trip now. I'll open the door.

Scene. Six points awarded each. I have noticed that neither of you have tried to make a pun yet. Big risks, big rewards.

That's true. Big risk, big reward.

Moving on.

Well, that wouldn't be prudent. What are you doing? She didn't hear it.

What are you doing?

Thank God.

Ten points awarded.

Fuck yeah.

What is covered in holes but still holds water?

What is covered in holes but still holds water?

What is covered in holes but still holds water?

Oh a sponge!

A sponge is correct. I would like to see a scene. JPC, you are a sponge. In Adal, you are a dirty plate.

Ma'am, I don't mean to get caught up in any sort of fight with you, but do I get a point for getting the answer right?

Yes, one point awarded.

I would like to have Adal's last comment, a sponge from the record, please.

A sponge, sponge, sponge.

Riddle Dome, give yourself 10 points.

Thank you. Now I'm in the green.

Who, wait, who's the sponge in this scene?

JPC, you are a sponge and Adal, you are a dirty plate.

Uh oh. You see this? Looks like I got some crusty little sauce.

Yep, dishwashers right over there. It's actually, you can just throw them in the dishwasher now. You don't have to, yeah.

Oh, but the dishwasher is broken.

It's not, it's not broken. Clings at a very high heat.

Let's rub off my crusty little fucking sauce.

Actually more water-efficient to use the dishwasher. Should I just throw it right in there?

Oh, water-efficient? Is that why I'm so wet?

It's already full, you're not, you're just crusty, it's full of Full of crusty little creatures just like you. Just hop your ass right into the treasure.

I must be made of china because I'm foying. Don't you agree?

Nope, we got no, we're out of this soap up here. So we're out of this soap over here. There's plenty of detergent.

I guess you'll have to do it raw.

We'll not be doing it raw. We'll not be doing it raw.

Sponge me daddy. Can't.

Won't happen.

Look. Scrub me daddy.

And I'm on break and it's union too. So we're pretty strict about these breaks.

Oh, you want to break me? Yeah, chip me first. Chip me. Fucking chip me.

Yeah, actually just kind of push you closer to the edge of the counter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my God, I didn't mean to actually do it. Wow, that's a long fall.

I came. Scene.

It's a plastic plate.

Six points awarded each for staying on premise and making me laugh. I fly without wings. I cry without eyes. What am I?

Lenny Kravitz.

Three points awarded.

Buzz. Buzz. Lenny Kravitz. Buzz. I fly without wings. I cry without eyes.

Yes.

A Nerf football baby.

Three points awarded.

15 times the distance on a Nerf super fly glider.

I fly without wings. I cry without eyes. Oh, Spirit Airlines.

Yeah. Is it like a missile? Is it like a bomb dropping? It could be an arrow.

But does an arrow cry? What cries? These things make like a whistling sound.

The fact that it says that it flies is a little bit generous. I'd say it's in the sky.

Oh, it's a cloud.

It is.

Because it rains.

Oh, clouds rain and the rain is their tears.

Well, rain is God's tears, but God cries because he made clouds. I'm sorry, she made class.

Is this an anecdote? Who is the biggest, Mr. Larger, Mrs. Larger, or their baby?

Who's the biggest?

Oh, now this could be a trick question because it could be one of these adult baby diaper lovers who is actually a baby, but they're actually a full size human man who just has a sexual fetish.

Or it could be puppy monkey baby.

Who is the biggest? Mr. Larger, Mrs. Larger, or their baby?

Buzz.

Adal.

The baby?

Why? Pass. Just pass. You get two passes. Just use a pass.

No points awarded. Their baby because it is a little larger.

Okay.

In what way can five come before four and three?

If four eats five out?

Minus three points.

Come on. Words go down on your fives. If three is being a hot wife?

Minus three points. Come on.

In what way can five come before four? Oh buzz.

Adal.

Dictionary.

Yes. One point awarded. Your parents have five sons and each son has one sister.

What? Hold on, I gotta call my mom. That's an anecdote. Mom?

Minus three points.

Calling my mom's an anecdote?

Your parents have five sons and each son has one sister. How many children are there in your family?

Buzz. Six.

Adal.

Six.

Yes. One point awarded. Quick reminder, if you end this episode with negative points, you will be replaced by John Coyle, Erin's boyfriend.

Oh, why did Riddle Dome take on that weird tone?

Wonder how we got that job. Nepotism.

Erin's a sister. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, it looks like Riddle Dome wants to take away points from me, but can't.

What needs to be fed to stay alive but dies when it drinks?

Oh, oh, uh, Buzz.

Adal.

Is it fire?

Plus one point.

It's also some cactuses.

Plus three. I tried not to laugh at it, but I did. I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are trying to keep fire as a pet and house train it. GPC, you are the fire.

Okay, let me have those curtains. Let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains. Now let me have those curtains.

Okay, roll the fucking odds. Right on the carpet. Give me some douse. Douse? Oh, douse. Hey, go get some leather fluid. Go get some oil for the kitchen. Yeah!

This is turning into a sponge plate situation.

No, no, no, no, no. Go, hey, come on, come on, come on. Hey, what? Hey, me and you. Let's burn this motherfucker down.

Let's burn this house to the ground. What's that? What am I gonna call you? Do you have a name from your previous owner? What's your name?

My name, it's on a nametag. It's on the nametag of the garage. The nametag is gasoline. It's a big red nametag. Go to the garage, usually fill up the lawn mower, go to the garage, get my nametag, bring it in here, put it on my neck.

You want me to pour your nametag on your neck.

That's not what I said, it's over. Hey, hey, come on, come on.

I'm your little guy, right? Have you had all your shots? What's that? Have you had all your shots?

No, throw some shots of alcohol on me.

Okay.

Oh, fuck. Damn it. Oh, it feels so good. Make me stronger.

I don't know if you're supposed to be growing this quickly.

I don't know. I'm a growing boy. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Oh, please don't call the fire department. Please don't call the fire department.

Okay. Come up on my lap.

Okay, I'll grab it out of your lap. Let me go to your arms, your head, your back. Ooh, let me climb all over you.

I got to get you deflamed. I know it's in your mane, but I got to get you deflamed. This is not bad. Oh, but you were on the couch.

Scene. Six points awarded each. Great job.

You guys are trying to sabotage each other at these scenes. Is that the end of a Tim and Eric episode?

It is time for us to go on a break. We will see you back in the Riddle Dome after the break.

Wait, I want to go on a break from this riddle dome, but there are no doors and no windows in here.

Don't start choking on each other.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run.

Run.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Welcome back to the- Oh.

Oh my gosh. Hi.

Sorry. You first. Hi.

Sorry, did they program another voice in here over the break?

Hey, check out Riddle D and Riddle Dum. JPC and Adal programmed you, a friend, me.

That's so sweet. I get off in like 30 minutes. Do you want to go get a drink?

That sounds wonderful. My name is Riddle Dum.

Cool.

I'm a bit dumb. 4 plus 4 equals ravioli.

Hey, sweetie, why don't you ditch the zero and get with the 01010111? Aw man.

I can't do this right now. I am working. I will meet you both outside after.

My name is Riddle Dom, and I guess I could be a little pushy, but you're the kind of Riddle Dome I like to see.

Slam store. Sorry, you both had to see that. I normally don't bring my personal life and my work life together.

But she can adore. How'd you slam a door? Yeah, there's no doors in this room.

Welcome back to the Riddle Dome. I hope you had a good break. Quick reminder, if you end in the negative, you will be replaced with John Coyle, a great comedian.

Come on.

Erin has not seen her boyfriend that much lately because he has been very busy and she has a great plan to have him here with her. He will be great. He will be a great replacement for either host.

She said great three times. This is like when a waiter is pushing the special.

Yeah, it's really great. Maybe Sean's about to turn.

Don't be jealous. What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead.

What flies when it's born lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead.

Okay, Buzz. Yes. I think it's a coffee bean, okay? It's flying off the shelves, it's lying there when it gets home, and then it's frickin' dead when you grind it all up and put it into a coffee drink.

Mine is one. Five seconds.

It flies, it lies, it dies. Lies, lies, dies. Is it a fly?

It is a snowflake.

Oh, liberal.

What five letter word can you remove two letters and only have one left?

Buzz.

Adal.

Boink.

No.

If you remove B, you have oink.

If you remove O, you have ink. What about S's?

You remove the S and the E and you just have an A. No, you only have one left.

S is three S's. Oh, buzz.

Yes, Adal.

Sorry, it's a five-letter word. You remove two, you have one left.

Mm-hmm.

It's gon's, gonner.

We would have accepted stone or money or phone or a loan.

We? Who's we?

Mmm, us. Me and my boyfriends. How many times can you subtract the number 2 from the number 50?

Buzz.

Adal.

Once, because after that it's 48.

Very good. You were paying attention while recording. Hey Riddle Riddle.

And I would say as many as you want champ. You go ahead and subtract 2 from 50 as many as you want. Nobody's gonna tell you who to be.

Minus 10. Misinformation.

Ooh, there she is. Misinformation. Tell us a fact. Oh shit, I missed the plus amount.

Three. How far into a forest can you travel?

Buzz. Halfway.

Adal.

Halfway and then you're traveling out of it.

Yes. Plus one for Adal. Minus three for JPC.

Unless it's one of those weird U-shaped forests, which, honestly, with the way that we're destroying the Amazon, are going to exist more often than not.

Good point, plus one. I would like to see a scene. Okay. You are both lost in the woods.

Oh, I think we came from over there. Thank God. Huh?

I was just saying, thank God I found you. I thought I was lost in the woods, but if I found another person, I can't truly be lost, huh?

But I don't know you.

It doesn't matter. You are a component of society and I am a person traveling in the woods and two people make a group, so neither one of us is lost.

Well, can I be honest with you? Seconds ago, I swear to God I was in Yonkers.

Oh, I'm not really a play guy.

All work, huh?

What's that? All work?

Yeah, I'm a ranger. You're a bit of a dull boy. You're a ranger? I'm a ranger. You play baseball in Texas. Or you play hockey in New York.

I'm actually, I do a little bit of both.

Wow. You're like a regular Bo Jackson.

Um, oh, uh, no, I don't really watch cartoons. Um, and the fact that like the horses are talking with people kind of just threw me.

Yeah. I got really dark at the end.

Well, I think we should find one of those water trees.

Huh? Ooh. Okay. Well, real fast.

I actually have a shelter if you want a little relief from the elements. No, I'm good.

Okay. Scene. Three points awarded each. A girl fell off a 50-foot ladder and did not get hurt. How come?

Buzz.

Adal.

It was the first rung. She fell off the first rung.

Good answer, but no. What?

Buzz.

JPC.

It's Amelia Bedelia. She'll be okay.

Good answer, but no. The 50-foot ladder was laying on the ground horizontally. I don't really understand this one. You can still get hurt tripping over something that's horizontal.

Was she just laying on top of the ladder and she just rolled off of it? What was she doing on the ladder, getting railed?

I don't know. Are people talking about ladders now?

Zoomers, text the show. Are you fucking on ladder?

Plus 3 to JPC.

If you fuck on a ladder, you gotta have a leg up.

What gets tighter each time it is used?

Erin, Riddle Dome, you don't want me to say that.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Oh.

What gets tighter each time it is used?

A gutter.

No.

Oh. I guess buzz. I don't think this is technically correct, but like a... JPC. Like a nut and a bolt? Because you're tightening it every time you use it.

No, that's a good answer, but the answer is a budget. What gets left behind whenever it is taken?

By the way, that is not true for budgets. I don't know who told you that, but that's not true.

Sorry, can you repeat Riddle Dome?

What gets left behind whenever it is taken?

Oh, a buzz.

Adal.

Is it Liam Neeson's daughter?

No, but two points awarded.

Thank you.

JPC.

Buzz, it's Liam Neeson in the third Taken movie because they really saved the franchise when he gets taken.

What?

What gets left behind when it's taken?

The answer is a shit.

Oh, Buzz. Adal. Oh, I was gonna say a poop.

No, the answer is footsteps.

Ooh.

It enters dry and comes out wet. The longer it's in, the stronger it gets. What is it?

Buzz.

Adal.

Is it a piece of gum?

No. Hm. The longer it's in, the harder it gets.

Stronger. Oh, the stronger. Get your mind out of the gutter. Get your dick out of the gutter, my dude. Plus three to Adal.

No wait man, there's a fucking creepy-ass clown down here.

Fucking gutter dick.

This gutter clown lets me fuck.

We're all fucked down here. Five seconds.

Yeah, I was thinking gum because it's like brittle, but then when it's wet, it's durable.

Yeah, the longer it's in the stronger it gets.

Yeah, the gum is all I can think about.

Yeah, I'm thinking of like a cave, like a stalactite or something like that.

Sylvester stalactite?

The answer is a tea bag.

I would like to see a scene.

Adal, you are tea. JPC, you are coffee. You're out after work and having a drink together.

And so I said to Dolores, I said, okay.

I'm sorry, was that the end?

No.

Gotta love your story.

You keep doing this? I'm sorry? You keep doing this? Thank you. I'm telling a stor- Well, no, it's not a good thing. Ooh, it's a great thing. If you could just calm down, you seem a little on edge.

Why don't we get a round? Why don't we get a round, huh? Why don't we do a round?

Another round? Do some drinks? No, I don't. I'm not alcoholic. You're staying out tonight, right? You're staying out tonight, right? At 10 p.m. I'm sleeping now. Yes or yes? 10 p.m. every time.

Yes or yes? Yes or yes? Let's get around, let's get some sliders, let's get some fucking apps. Let's snap into some apps. Oh my god, you know what? You don't really seal the deal right now. What's that? Capacafe? Capacafe?

No, I can't.

I really can't. Let me pour a little of me into you.

Maybe just a little green tea. What did you say to me? What takes handle and smacks you across the mug?

Whoa! Hey, listen, we've been dicking around here for fucking 20 minutes, okay? I'm a closer. I gotta go for the deal. This is not- Do you want to be my biscotti tonight? Are you my naughty little biscotti?

Are you gonna get into this copy- You are disgusting.

Okay!

At least I'm honest. You're coming on too strong, okay?

You are gross. I come on strong, but let me just say, you will not be able to get me out.

You're grounded, mister.

Mmm, I feel grounded, but I want the whole bean tonight flicks my tongue in a way. Seen.

Six points awarded each. That concludes, you have no excuse. Let's check in with an update on the point total.

We were still in with that. That's no excuse. Riddle Dome, unless my math is mistaken, I have 73 points.

Wonderful. JPC?

Riddle Dome, I don't think this will come as any surprise, but I have not been keeping score.

I noticed that you didn't move your pen once, so minus 200. That is your new score.

What could that mean? What'll that do?

Let's see if you can get out of the hole or you'll be replaced by the lovely Sean Coyle. Why did the army cook refuse to serve pie, cake, or ice cream?

Buzz.

GPC.

Because he couldn't get out of his sleevies. What?

Plus three, but that's not correct.

I don't even get that joke. It's armpits and sleevies.

I feel like that's a different riddle. I get it, but I hate it.

Why didn't the army cook serve pies, cakes, or what?

Ice cream. Your hint is these next few riddles are the sort of joke.

Buzz.

DPC.

Because they are deserters and a good army private will shoot any deserter he sees.

Yes, he was afraid of being labeled a deserter. What kind of fish chases a mouse?

Buzz.

Adal.

Catfish. Yes, plus one point.

Did you hear about the boy who went to his senior prom dressed in a t-shirt and jeans?

No.

He was arrested by the fashion police. What was he charged with?

What was he charged with? What was he charged with?

I actually kind of like this one. Oh, Buzz. Adal.

Not giving a tux?

Sort of, but it's a real crime you can get. Oh.

Murder?

No.

Plus three. He was arrested by the fashion police?

Yeah, so Tux is right. That's in the answer.

Tux.

Five seconds.

I was going to say assault and flattery.

Tux. Adal. Tux evasion. Tux evasion. Tux evasion.

I would like to see a scene. JPC, you refuse to wear school appropriate clothes to the senior prom. Adal, you are the principal.

Not so fast, Mr. Williams.

I have every right to be in that prom. I was invited. I'm in good standing. My grades are acceptable. I have every right to be in there.

You do not, Mr. Williams. Well, you didn't graduate, but you were in this high school seven years ago. Now, since I believe I saw you at my local Meineke changing my oil, no shame in that job, but you're a piece of shit, so... No can do.

Look. I graduated high school when I was 11 years old. You know how hard it is to be as smart as I am? Now that I'm 18, I feel like it's only fair that I come back and I get inside of that prom and have the night that I was supposed to have or that I am owed.

Well, I'm afraid, Ms. Williams, there is a dress code. Do you know the dress code? It's a five-letter word. If you take away two, you get one. Boner? Damn it. All right. Going.

Scene. Plus six each. Our next segment is called What Do You Know About Woodrow Wilson? Let's begin.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

What century was Woodrow Wilson president during?

Buzz.

Adal.

His century.

Uh, Woodrow Wilson buzz?

JPC.

The 20th century.

Yes. Plus one point.

Thank you.

What year and day was Woodrow Wilson born?

Buzz. Year and day.

Adal.

January 1st, 1900.

I'm going to say Buzz. I'm going to say, well, I don't know the year and day. So I'm going to say July 4th because he's the president. That makes sense. Uh-huh. 1891. No. The answer is December 28th, 1856. I cannot believe neither of you knew that.

He wasn't a super young president.

I thought he was a really young president like Obama.

What university did Woodrow Wilson attend?

Buzz.

Yes, Adal. Phoenix Online?

Buzz? I'm gonna say my man went to Harvard.

No, Princeton. He graduated blank in his class.

Buzz.

Adal.

He graduated blank in his class first.

No, JPC.

I want to say because I've read one Woodrow Wilson biography, but was it something about how he comes loudly? Magna Cum Laude.

Minus three points. He graduated 38th in his class.

Whoa, and he was the 30th president.

No. How many years of political experience did he have before he became president?

Buzz.

Adal.

Zero.

Two.

Wow.

Did he win the popular vote?

Buzz.

Adal.

No.

No. One point awarded. His 42% popular vote total was the third lowest winning tally in history. Good thing nothing like this has happened since.

Oh, Riddle Dome, we have another- Oh, okay, you left. Oh, good. Yeah, it's a binary left. She does.

I'm a self-aware Riddle Dome.

She does.

Woodrow Wilson is the only US president that blank.

Buzz.

GPC.

Fucks.

No.

Buzz. What the fucks? Jimmy Carter?

Adal. Plus three JPC.

Has the same first letter for both his first name and last name?

No. The only president that is buried in Washington DC.

Oh.

That concludes our, what do you know about Woodrow Wilson segment? Seems like you didn't know much.

We do now.

There's only a few more minutes that remain in the Riddle Dome.

Oh, do you need us to plug you in?

No. I'm fully charged, but it's almost time that we say goodbye. Riddle Dome, can I ask you something? Yes.

Um, when we're not in the Riddle Dome, when we're not inside you, do you cease to exist? Are you sleeping? What happens to you?

I'm mostly getting up to no good. Oh.

Nice. Hey Riddle Dome, I have a question. So I know that we're like inside you right now, inside like the Riddle Dome.

And yes, you do smell awful.

Thank you. My other question is like, I noticed that we don't feel like hungry or tired when we're in the Riddle Dome and I have been eating what I assume is this placenta here. Is this like a natural part of the Riddle Dome or?

That's Crystal Pepsi.

Oh my God. Tastes just like placenta. Crystal Pepsi.

Plus three. Welcome to our segment called I Want to See a Scene. Scenes that are not inspired by riddles. There is a winner to each of these scenes.

Oh, okay.

But you have to stay on premise and not sabotage each other too badly.

Gotta be a misdirect. Gotta be a misdirect. Ready.

You are two monkeys flying an airplane.

Weeeeee!

Try to act professional, Constable!

Sorry, I'm just having so much fun. If you weren't- I'm having more fun than my cousin, who lives in a barrel.

If you weren't the admiral's nephew, you would never have taken this post. This is very serious.

But I am, aren't I, huh? I am the admiral's nephew.

Apes take you! I guess I'm stuck with you. Well, you better know how to fly, because when those ape bombers start coming at us, you're going to see the fear of God.

Oh shit. That's right, you're in a real war now. Throw shit, throw shit, oh shit, throw shit.

Good, good steering, that's how we steer.

And of course, this is a war for the planet of the apes.

Well, I also take offense and issue with you calling it the planet of the apes, in my opinion, planet of the monkeys, you know? Until the war is won, I don't know either side gets to claim it's their planet.

Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair. Scene.

Oh, that was harder than I thought.

Adal, you are the winner.

Oh, okay.

So Adal, you award yourself five points. JPC, you take three.

Of the five that he gets, so he gets two and I get three?

No, your own three. Okay. Your two airplanes flying a spaceship.

I thought we were going to be flying a monkey.

Phew.

At least we're reunited in this task. That's the spirit. I'm feeling jet blue.

Seen. Ty, you each are awarded three points. And oh, 10 points, 13 points total because it's a good pun.

Okay.

You are two kids that snuck on to a spaceship.

I forgot a mask. I forgot a mask. It's okay, Tick.

I have an extra one. I just killed an alien and I took his mask.

Phew, I can breathe.

Now, we're going to find your dad, okay? That's why you hired me, the only kid tracker in town that says I can get anyone's parents back.

Oh, you're a kid who tracks. I thought you tracked kids.

Do I have an old sounding voice? Because every time I pick up the phone and announce what I do as a business, I get this. I get this all the time.

Here, let me call my phone and put it up to your ear so you can hear what you sound like. You're gonna call your phone? Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, now you answer my phone, but with your voice and you listen to what you sound like so you can hear how you sound on the phone with my phone calling me. You're calling your phone? Knocks you out, takes out the mask just in case.

Now we got two, motherfucker! Oh my nose! Oh, my kid tracking business is over.

Dad? Dad? Oh, Jeffy! Jeffy, you found me. You snuck out of the alien spaceship and found me. Yes, here, put on this mask quick.

Oh, buddy. Huh? Kind of a second family situation. Uh... Yeah, near my choice. Oh, come on. I hate your mother's cooking.

Scene. Four points awarded each. You are two Yankee candle employees with a terrible secret. Go.

I hate the smell of these candles. Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell anyone, but I just took a job for the New York Rangers candles facility. So yeah, I'm gonna be shipping out.

Holy shit.

Scene. A perfect scene.

Ten points each. In the final scene, two businessmen who realize that everyone else went out to lunch without them while they're eating in the break room. Go.

Fuck. Yep, it happened again.

We're not popular.

Is that true? I mean, what could it be? What could it be about us that people just aren't responding to?

I don't know. Maybe it's our suits and the fact that we don't wear suits.

Yeah, it could be that we're wearing our birthday suits here at the office. Going totally nude. Could be. Is that it? That might be it. Maybe it's that my stories just aren't interesting. Tell me one. So, I robbed my dentist the other day, uh, by accident. Yep, sorry, not interesting. Yeah, dang. It can't be that we're both naked at work, right?

No, it can't be that.

That's not it, right?

Oh, I think I know what it is. It might be my cooking. Mm-hmm. Here, let me make you something. Throw a spaghetti against the wall, dumps vinegar in my eyes.

Okay. Okay. This is steak tartare?

Yep, that's steak tartare. It's not bad. It can't be that we're naked.

It's not bad. Scene. Six points awarded each. You've made it to the end of the Riddle Dome.

Hell yeah.

Let's check in on your point totals. Adal, where do you stand?

Riddle Dome, this is bittersweet. I'm having such a good time. Will I stand at 123 points?

Incredible. Congratulations, Adal. Thank you. And JPC, how many points do you have?

My issue may be that my pen is broken because I was writing this whole time, but Oh, you know what? It's one of these press kinds. So if you don't press it, that's right. There's the pin. The pin just came out.

Well, I think it's a click pin. You press every pin you hold.

Congratulations, Adal. You have won today's Riddle Dome. You will be getting a $5 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. Yes! JPC, unfortunately, not only did you lose the Riddle Dome, but you ended in negative points. When I pull this lever, you will get dropped out of the podcast and you will never return.

Did I lose? Or did I have fun and now I don't have to do my job?

Three, two, one.

Flock, he found the loophole.

Now JPC is in a pit down there.

Oh.

That's all for me, Riddle Dome. I'm going to leave you to it to do the plugs. Erin will return in three, two, one. Bye Riddle Dome, I love you. And I know.

Oh wow, she really pulled a Han Solo there.

Hey Adal. Casey, what's up? Did JPC not get enough points?

Yeah, it happened again.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Welp. Okay, well, it's actually a good news bad news situation. We don't have JPC anymore, but we have my boyfriend!

What's up? JPC's gone, but SMC is in. That's Sean Matthew Coyle, ladies and gentlemen. It is good to be here.

Man, this is way more energetic and fun. Uh, uh, JPC, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, buddy. If you can hear me, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm playing Slay the Spire right now. Should I do boss relic or remove a card?

Remove a card.

That's a sucker. Go get boss relic. You always do boss relic. What do you ask, huh?

Hey, Adal, it's a new show. Now we're moving on. We're not forgetting about people who don't keep even their point totals. They care so little, they don't even keep point totals.

No, of course, of course, of course, of course.

Well, Sean, you're just in time for plugs. So anything to plug?

Let's see. I want to plug. Well, I feel like now is as good a time as any. It's been so fun hosting this show. Casey, why don't we just insert a highlight reel of my time as a host on Hey Riddle Riddle right here.

Ooh, nice.

A little look back.

OK, and go.

What's up? JPC's gone, but SMC is in. That's Sean Matthew Coie, ladies and gentlemen. It is good to be here. Let's see. Um, I want to plug... Well, I feel like now is as good a time as any. It's been so fun hosting this show. Casey, why don't we just insert a highlight reel of my time as a host on Hey Riddle Riddle right here. A little look back.

Okay, and go.

What's up? JPC's gone, but SMC is in. That's Sean Matthew Coyle, ladies and gentlemen, and it is good to be here. Casey, why don't we just insert a highlight reel of my time as a host on Hey Riddle Riddle right here.

Okay, and go.

What's up? JPC's gone, but SMC is in. That's Sean Matthew Coyle, ladies and gentlemen, and it is good to be here. Casey, why don't we just insert a highlight reel of my time as a host on Hey Riddle Riddle right here.

Okay, and go.

Casey, why don't we just insert a highlight reel of my time as a host on Hey Riddle Riddle right here.

And go.

Insert a highlight reel of my time as a host. Go. Highlight reel of my time.

Go. My time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Go. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Well, that was pretty fun. A lot of laughs.

That made me emotional. Wow.

That was fantastic. What a roller coaster ride.

Oh, that was a lot.

Wow. But for plugs, I would like to plug a little podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm one of three hosts. It's a blast. We all riddles.

Fuck, I feel so da- JPC. Sean is plugging Hey Riddle Riddle. We never do that. We always forget to plug Hey Riddle Riddle.

And I would also like to plug sitcom D&D. It's a real play Dungeons and Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience where each episode the gang that owns this failing tavern and inn called Bottoms Up tries to solve a sitcom-like problem. Erin Keif is on the show. I'm on the show. We're joined by some of our best friends that we met to an improv in Chicago. Yeah, check it out.

Now Sean, mistake me if I'm wrong. I got a mistake you there. I have to. Well this time correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that I subscribe to the sitcom D&D Patreon, which is a goddamn delight. That still exists, right?

Oh, it exists in a big, big way. Yeah, it's a blast, and we're so happy to have you. You've also guested on the show, and so has former host JPC, and both of your episodes were delightful.

Thank you so much, Shana. What's the Patreon address?

I don't know man. Fair enough, fair enough.

It might be patreon.com slash sitcomdnd. And John, mistake me if I'm wrong. You had a comic book, the second issue of your comic book, come out recently. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that?

No need to mistake you. That is correct. I came out with a comic book with a creative partner named Chris Kirk, an amazing artist out of Australia, and the comic is called Skyless. It is a sci-fi fantasy epic. Check it out. For the art alone, it is worth going to see what we got going on. And you can look at that on Instagram or Twitter at Skyless Comic.

Amazing. And Adal, anything to plug?

I would like to plug, I have a fairly new podcast called The Monster Line. Please check that out wherever you listen to podcasts. I mentioned this before, I have a hello from the Magic Tavern Live show on Saturday, December 17th that Erin might pop into, possibly.

And also, fuck, I want to...

I don't know if this is allowed, I guess Riddle Dome is gone. I also want to plug JPC, John Patrick Coan.

Nope, nope. Adal, move on, move on.

Yes, Erin, anything to plug?

Yes, as always, I'm going to cede my plug time to read a five-star review of our show. If you want to go leave a five-star review, I will read it.

Stick with me if I'm wrong, but did Erin always do that?

Yeah, it was always me and it will always be me moving forward. This one comes from Casey Tony, awesome. Uh, wow. Five stars before it was a zero out of five, but since JPC left and Sean showed up, I'm loving this. Now it's finally listenable. Wowie zowie. Can't believe the improvement of the show. Love it. Love it. Love Casey.

Clip it.

Casey, clip it. No, we can't. Casey, unfortunately, we can't use little sound bites at JPC anymore because he is no longer in the show.

It is Sean now. I don't want to hear about your masturbation.

Hey, I'll sneak you some food. Okay. Every, every other episode, I'll sneak you some food. I guess that'll be every two weeks. Hold on. Uh, nope, I said it.

Um, and you know what? Check out the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon cause we're going to be rerecording every episode and putting the Sean audio in there. Uh, he's already on one episode. If you want to check that out. All very significant. Others run an episode a couple of years ago, but check that out. Um, Sean, thank you so much for being the new host of the show. I love you.

Thank you so much. I love you. I'm so excited for the future. Yeah. I can't wait you guys.

All right.

Oh, oh, uh, Erin, um, oh wait, no, um, Erin's gonna say, oh, uh, Sean, um, famously, um, there is a continent that is, uh, very cold and a lot of people, um, uh, know that penguins live there.

I'm gonna start throwing fireworks down this trapdoor, JPC, so help me God.

This continent starts with an A and ends with an A, and I'm suddenly realizing that's several continents, but again, the clue is it's very cold.

Mistake me if I'm wrong, but I believe the answer you're looking for is Australia in the winter! Bye forever!

It's Sean Matthew Coa, ladies and gentlemen!

Casey told me you could be editing! I told you you'd like the job, right?

Yeah, it's not bad. The perks are great. I'm getting a lot of packages from the different sponsors.

I'm gonna be in Mexico. I'm gonna be in Mexico, Shawn. You gotta keep doing this, buddy, okay? Bad people want me dead.

No, I told you not to tell me where you're gonna be. That compromises me.

I didn't tell you which Mexico I'm going to. Shawn, look at me. Mexico, Australia.

Oh, but they, I mean, they have great internet there. You could do the podcast from there. You can still do it. Don't call me JPC.

Call me the wolf now. Okay. Okay. Well, wolf. Hey, can I borrow $500? I swear to God, I'm good for it.

Well, and now I'm flush with cash because I'm a co-host of Hey Riddle Riddle, baby.

So I got you. Thank you. Thank you. And if Adal and Erin asks, tell them the wolf went to Mexico, Australia, and they won't know what the fuck that means.

Are you FaceTiming JPC?

No, I'm FaceTiming the wolf. Winx. Erin, who are you talking to?

Wow, I don't think she's coming. Riddle Dome, do you want to just go get drinks?

I have a better idea. Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke. Perfect. Thank you. I don't think that people will be able to distinguish Sean's voice from my voice in those two words.

Sean, can you say quickly, Casey, can you record this too? Can you do a surf's up my guy 100%?

Surf's up my guy 100%. All right. And Sean, can you give me a wowie zowie zoinks? Wowie zowie zoinks. All right. And a Dean scream. Great. I got everything I need.

Yay!

It's everything you need.