Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Hey Adal, I'm cutting hair in here. Do you need a haircut?

Which one? That's what two minute Mike used to say.

Well, I cut JBC's hair. He loves it, I think. So if you want a haircut too, I can cut your hair.

I love the hair that I used to have on my head. Aaron, do you style beards?

Sure. Pigtails, what do you want?

Uh, can I get almost like, um, what's that, what's that thing that's found in nature?

Oh, okay. Do you love it?

Stripes.

Found in nature.

She wasn't wrong.

Yeah. Do you love it?

I, Erin, I love you. And by proxy, I am leaving.

You hate my haircuts.

Yeah, no, Erin. Yes, I do.

Look what I did to GPC. Isn't that nice?

And by proxy, I'm GPC. And I'm by proxy, Adal Rifai.

And I'm bad at giving haircuts, and I'm Erin.

Erin, it's okay to be bad at something that you've never attempted.

No, no.

Have you ever catch on, Sarah?

I haven't. Remember? It was early pandemic and it was so bad that I cried. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. I blocked it out. I did such a bad job. Oh no. I cut like way too short above his ear. It looked bad, bad, bad.

You never want to get into a situation where your barber is crying and speaking of... Nope. Great haircuts. It's pinky good haircuts. We have a special guest today. Please welcome from the Never Seen It podcast, Kyle Ayers.

Speaking of crime would have worked great. I was there for that. Speaking of crime, it's like dancing about architecture. It's also one of my favorite Keira Knightley movies.

It's hard to pick just one.

It is. I bet this is the one where she's in the Victorian era.

Or she's loving it actually. She was in love actually, right? Was that her first? No, Bennett like Beckham was her big break.

Oh yeah, she broke her leg and bit it like Beckham.

She broke it, she loved it, and then from that moment on it was all Victorian.

I think her playing What's Her Name in Star Wars was her big break.

Oh, yes, she was her consort. That is truly ahead of the internet's time there, playing the person everyone's going to eventually say you look like.

Okay, Kyle, I kind of see what you're doing with your subtle moving us into the world of movies because that is the domain of your podcast.

Yeah, but it's about me not seeing them. I'm really good at faking my way through conversations about stuff I haven't seen. That's where I live. You could corner me at a party about any TV show and I will nod along about season two.

So someone's like, how's your cousin doing? And you haven't seen your cousin in a while. Couldn't even tell you what season my cousin I got a lot of cousins, it's tough to tell.

You have to give me a common first name. Mark. I got a mark. Second cousin. Married to a cousin.

Got the dream. I know, I know. It's like being the backup quarterback, married to a cousin.

And Kyle, where are you at in the world?

I'm in Los Angeles. My address probably isn't as important, but yes. Los Angeles.

We can, Casey will bleep it. So Casey bleep out that three, and then bleep out these things.

I imagine someone fills it all in just from like they can tell the inflection of where I was going. And that's a three if I've ever heard of it.

Okay, well bleep out all of this because if you are there, then we live very close. Cause I, and then bleep this out.

Oh yes, I am.

Oh, okay. I love, if I didn't live here, I'd live there.

And for people who just heard a beep from Erin, she said, I'm in a whale's stomach.

Adal, they're getting low.

That's why it's so close to my neighborhood. I'm at the water.

Great real estate. Good apartment if you can get it. Kyle, you're on our podcast, and our podcast is a Riddles podcast somewhat. I guess we're gradually drifting as far away from the premise of our show as possible. Can I ask something?

Yes, please. Can we, over the next, I don't know, couple months, years, can we slowly drop letters off Riddles? So can we say like, like today, can we just say like, we're doing ittles?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't prepare any ittles, so that's going to make my job like way harder, but I guess I want to be a good friend at this instance and say, sure.

It's going to make your podcast sound like an app eventually, if you drop by.

Are you on ittles?

Do you delay?

But one thing that we like to ask all of our guests on the podcast is what is your relationship with riddles, lateral thinking problems, anything in that domain? Was it something you were familiar with as a child, carried it to adulthood?

You know I like my dad is one of these like very daddy dads who likes to ask riddles and stuff but he wouldn't always know the answer so sometimes it was like a general inquiry.

Where's the remote?

He would be like as he was like he'd like tell one about like going to St. Ives with any past seven men with seven wives it's very long one oh yeah and then he'd get to the end and they're like wouldn't be a question and so I don't know he would if we were supposed to speak So how was it? Like I don't really know what the entire purpose of it was. I was in this class in middle school and it was like a different learning type of class and we would use this thing called mind trap. Are you familiar with the old game mind trap? It's basically a big card box of riddles and so that's where I learned a lot of riddles from and I felt Like I was the only one who knew these very common things that have existed for centuries. So I'd be like, ah, the ice cube. It was used on an ice cube. You know what I mean? Like wedging this into a conversation about hats or something. So I actually bought a copy of Mind Trap when I saw it at a thrift store and then I was reading through them and I was like, I should have been able to get more of these.

These are easy. Some of those are straight up math. It's just like a word problem. I believe the answer to the St. Ives Riddle is one.

It is one, the Riddle is.

I met a man on the way to St. Ives who had seven wives and each wife had blah blah blah blah blah. And then it was like how many people were heading to St. Ives and it's just the person who's telling the story.

The storyteller themselves was heading to St.

Ives. Everybody else was heading the opposite direction.

Wow, speaking of one, that's probably a first for our podcast because we just answered a riddle we did not ask. We wasted it. I love the president of just giving out the answers to Riddle without bothering you to set up.

If you guys haven't heard this one, you're gonna love when it's the number one. Also, you could wedge in an advertisement for lotion here as we talk about St.

Ives ad nauseam. They added the seven wives are on its way to Irish Springs.

I gotta say, St. Ives really missed the mark when they branded their new lotion ad nauseam.

Yeah, I know, I know. Well, that's very cool. I think at this point none of us like Riddles anymore. So that's just to catch you up with, you know, four plus years. Four years? We just did our fifth Halloween episode that always fucks me up, but it's not five years, right? It doesn't matter.

It's ten. It happens.

Riddle time doubles. But Kyle, we'd like to ease our guests in to some riddles. So I have some warm-up riddles, and I was actually listening to some episodes of your podcast, and you have games. You feature games on your show, and we have riddles that are very similar to games that you have featured on your show.

But yours have fun jingles.

If you're not informed about this, there's a Discord for my podcast that is a huge Hey Riddle Riddle fan base, and some of them have actually submitted me games specifically for you guys next when we get to that.

Kyle, is there a way people can check out your Discord?

This is the guy who's really bad at plugging, it's a kid I've been working on.

Yeah, if you go to fart.kyallayers.com, fart.kyallayers.com, I'm not buying a whole new domain. It's subdomains from here on out for me. fart.kyallayers.com will take you there. You can actually play the games. I have a robot in there that'll play some of my podcast games against you.

We have a robot on here that JPC and Erin hate.

No, your name's Adal and you're nice.

Hey Riddle. TV. This is an absolutely safe domain for me to venture into. But I have about 10 TV mash-up riddles for you guys. And so I'll give you an example. This is the way that they will work. I will read out a description of two TV shows mashed together, and then you have to tell me what that is. One word or sound will blend into the next word. Cool? So the example is, A nuclear blended and same-sex family explore some comedic situations that many families encounter in real life with the help of their talking dog in the sleepy town of Cohog, Rhode Island.

Will and Grace under fire.

No. What if you just started guessing at burning other ones? I think it's Modern Family Guy.

Why was I gonna say Chernobyl family guy? nuclear and I was just like Chernobyl.

That's a curse.

That happened in St. Ives. Not a lot of people know that. They don't teach you that in American history books.

Hey Riddle Riddle. The show is not called The 24, but if the show was called The 24, why couldn't I just use an example of a show with The in it?

I'm watching The Cheers. I have to preemptively ask, are any of these going to include the TV show MASH because you said this feels like a very JPC move to be like...

It would have been nice if I had put MASH in there. I had a real fucking time trying to think of these and my wife Mariah, she wrote maybe 70% of these as well. Because I was like, Mariah, with this TV show, what goes with it? Which is the meanest thing to do to a person. Because basically I've thought of nothing.

You thought of a TV show and how to have someone else do work.

Well, to compound it, she is at work. She is at her job doing her job, and I'm doing my nothing job shouting TV shows at her.

I'm familiar with being a nuisance. I know how to do it.

All right, so here we go. We will start officially. We have 10 of these. The first one. In a world where fertility rates have collapsed, a totalitarian government creates a new religious social structure run by a wise-cracking, wispy-haired skeleton who introduces each self-contained episode. Handmaid's Tale from the Crypt. Whoa, it is Handmaid's Tale from the Crypt.

I think some weirdo dummy said Handmaid's Dragon Tales.

No, we heard you. If we were recording, we'd be able to go back and listen, but unfortunately, this is one of those moments lost to the sands of time.

Exactly. We'll never know for sure who said that.

I've not seen either of those shows.

Handmaid's Tale?

Oh, they're fun.

I haven't seen Tales from the Crypt, but... And Handmaid's Tale is fun because it feels like it could happen in a couple months, and that's what's fun about that show.

It also feels a little bit like the lead's actual religion. It's just fun to see those billboards outside the Scientology church and you're just like, huh? Where's Miss Cabbage's wife? I don't want to get you guys on lists, so I'm going to stop talking about Scientology.

Yeah, we have a huge Scientology base and it's important to us.

You got to watch even if you don't watch the show, you should watch the intro to Tales from the Crypt because I got to say it's maybe one of the better intros of all time.

Yeah. The music and then the laugh.

Yeah.

Listen to a Tales from the Crypt Christmas album last year or a couple of years ago. And it was, I was saying, rough to listen to. Very rough to listen to.

Because of the voice.

The voice is hard to get past and also you know like late 90s I think it was like comedy just doesn't age well.

Tell that to Joe Pesci's Christmas album or whatever.

Or Bruce Willis's regular album. I actually was afraid of Tales from the Crypt. I don't want to derail too much but I saw that intro like through the crack in my door growing up and saw my parents watching it on TV and I had nightmares of that and then I found out it was supposed to be like campy you know a year ago.

Yeah, little known fact creep keeper, John Waters. Really? Yeah. And no makeup or anything. It's just John Waters.

Okay, good. I'm glad that was a joke because I did look up who it was earlier today and I was like, I didn't think I read John Waters. All right, here's your next one. Here's the next one. A con artist learns that she is a clone and that she and her fellow clones are being hunted and the only way to stop the plot is to have sexual intercourse on video with a pig.

Orphan Black Mirror.

Have you seen the one where the future is bad?

Can I call for a scene? Yeah, absolutely. I would like to see a scene. Erin and Kyle, the two of you are pigs. And in this world, Erin and Kyle, one of you is debating whether or not you should have sex with JPC, who is a prime minister. So we're flipping the tables, I guess you could say. It's the pigs choice now.

Uh, hey, can I get you another beer, another round before we go home for the night?

Uh, yeah, probably.

Cool, cool, cool.

Probably.

Dude, you seem distracted, I feel like. What's on your mind?

Do you ever want something until you get it?

Yeah, all the time.

I just... I wanted to be on TV. I just didn't want to be on TV. I don't know how to get this. There's an opportunity to get what I've always wanted, but it's not how I wanted. I'm sorry. I'm making you listen to all my problems.

No, it's great. No, we're drunk. We're best friends. We're pigs. Okay. You can tell me anything. Keep staring up at the TV with the prime minister talking. What's going on?

He is prime.

Hey, let me turn on these subtitles so we can hear what this little creature is saying.

Excuse me Bartender, did you just turn on subtitles? I know that's just text, right? Did you turn on subtitles to hear what he was saying?

Well yeah, because we're pigs and of course we understand each other, but the Prime Minister's talking and we don't understand his language, so... Surely subtitles wouldn't fix that.

Subtitles is a catch-all term?

I don't want to get it true.

Subtitles is a catch-all term here. Free drink for you. Free drink? What do you want?

Anything?

Come on! Here in the near future, technology knows no bounds, and it ruins our lives. See?

I don't know why in my head I'm like, turn on subtitles. That'll frame slate. I mean, you can turn on... I mean Gemma will watch shows with like French subtitles so she can practice her French, but I guess I should have prefaced. Yeah, but that's her speaking French, right? No. If I turn on French subtitles, Gemma starts to speak French? Subtitles are words, correct? Yeah, I guess you have to understand the language.

Did I take an edible before we started recording?

What's going on? I actually ate some of that St. Ives face lotion before this.

Yeah, that'll get you there.

I went into this 90% sure I knew what subtitles are. I'm at a fucking 20 right now. I have no idea. I've lost the thread on subtitles. Okay, here's your next one. When you're working for the stereotypically evil megacorporation of Viridian Dynamics, you'll do anything to liven the mood, including breaking the fourth wall and using mock commercials. But when a football owner hires you to coach the team, will your charm and good humor be enough to save the team? Better off Ted Lasso. It's Better Off Ted Lasso!

What's the first move? What's the first show there? Better Off Ted? That makes sense. I guess, what else could it have been? You haven't seen Better Off Ted Law?

Which I truly, I only know the name, I've never seen a preview, I've never seen an episode, I truly know it because I once saw, I don't know if it was like Entertainment Weekly or something, I once saw the name and I was like, I hate this name but also this is absolutely the name I would have come up with.

I watched that show, I couldn't tell you what year it was on, I did, I do remember enjoying it and the only person that I know who was in it is Portia del Rossi. Thanks for watching! I had a different show in there and then I was like, better off Ted. Better off Ted, I think more people will know than a show that is recent with one season. So we went with better off Ted. Okay, here's your next one. A lawyer uproots her life and moves across the country to follow a guy she dated as a teenager only to become a self-help author who finds solace in new friends and adventures as she faces an impending divorce.

I know the first one. That's just the plot to eat, pray, love.

Crazy ex-girlfriends of a friend friends friends with Bennett friends with crazy ex-girlfriend lasso Yeah that what can you read the second plot again?

Yeah, the second one, I've never seen this show, but I think it went five seasons. It went five seasons. So it's, let's see, only to become a self-help author who finds solace in new friends and adventures as she faces an impending divorce. And I'll say this, I think it's the main- Girlfriend's guide to divorce.

Yes, that is it.

I've never heard of this. I don't even think, I think it was on like, I think it was on like E or something. It was all like some network that I wouldn't associate with having like a drama. E has original like sitcoms? It was something like that. Something that I wouldn't associate with like a, you know, an original show.

I always assumed they had like Talk Soup and then like Brooke Burke or whatever. Maybe it's not E. Brooke Burke? Is that her name? I think it was 28 years ago.

Kyle queuing in to the theme of the show.

And Hal Sparks is still hosting TalkSuper. Great canary in Hal Sparks. Let's talk more about MASH. Robert Altman's 14-year-old son wrote the theme song.

All right, here we go. This is your next one. In the beginning of... I'm sorry. It's the beginning of the end for the most powerful house in all of the land, but there's still plenty of opportunity for dimly lit incest. But when a near extinct race of alien warriors arrived to conquer Earth, it's up to Kakarot and his friend's special bean cannon.

House of the Dragon Ball Z. Nice. Wow. Everything I know, all in one thing.

I was trying to write a Dragon Ball Z one and I was like, it's really hard because you could just be very vague and it would be very hard to understand. But if I say Kakarot one time, I think most people will know what that means. Well, most DBZ fans.

Yeah, you could have said nothing happens most episodes all the time and I would have also said Dragon Ball Z.

I used to race home from school to watch that and it would just be 22 minutes of someone charging up, usually Vegeta, or like someone just shot their shot and then it's 20 minutes of smoke clearing and then just the incredulity of whoever hit them and being like they're not injured?

Amazing. Great show. It's like when your phone dies and then you plug it in to wait for it to turn on. That's like watching Dragon Ball Z. Where it's not on yet, but you're pretty sure it will be.

It's gonna be on soon. It's also one of those shows I used to watch them back to back to back to back but each episode still has like six and a half minutes of recap at the top of the episode and I was like man I just sat through an episode like I get what's happening here. Here, hold on.

So, are you, Kyle, you're a fan of Dave Matthews' DMZ? D-B-Z? Dave Matthews' Z?

You're a fan of Dave Matthews' balls, right?

Demilitarize the balls? Why did Piccolo only have one arm?

I think Frieza sucks life out of his arm. Or maybe it's Cell. Cell sucks life out. He has like a needle tail or something.

I feel bad for Piccolo because that motherfucker dies like six times. He just keeps dying and getting brought back to life.

I love that guy. Could have been named Flute, but would have been a more powerful iteration of the same character. Oboe.

Here's the next one. A con man turned law man attempts to navigate his troubled relationship with his brother as he gets into situations way over his head through a series of short comedic sketches and weekly musical guests aimed towards a young audience. Got it. Justified green tomatoes. I think is this Better Call Saul That? Yes, it's Better Call Saul That! Wow.

That's really good. I was really struggling. I didn't even want to tell you the dark place I went in my mind trying to figure that one out.

I was like, better call soldered in ain't live. Soldered in ain't live.

All that is aimed at a little bit older audience. Good burgers, of course.

It's bad TV, then Saturday Night Live is the youngest denominator. Yeah, that one I think was one of the only ones where I used a sound and not just the second part of the word, or did I? Way to go, GPC. Way to give it away.

Way to go to Mariah. Good job, Mariah, on all of these.

Okay, if you didn't like one, it was one that I did. If you liked one, it was one my wife did. Okay, here's your next one. Exonerated 15 years after being arrested for murder, Julian Kay struggles to find his footing in the modern-day Los Angeles sex industry after being adopted by a wealthy couple and navigating their high-class world with his foster brother, Seth.

I don't know any of this.

The character name sounded familiar.

The first one is a new show. It is a new show and it's, I think it's like prestige TV and I would be shocked if anyone here is watching it. I'm not watching it. But I've seen billboards for it like everywhere. Exonerated 15 years after being a registered winner.

Is Amsterdam a show or a movie?

It's supposedly a terrible movie.

Okay, I've just seen billboards. It's funny you say Amsterdam because it's the first part of this word sounds a lot like Amsterdam, but it is not. Hamster dance. Hamster dance. This is a Kia Soul. Oh yeah. This is from Kia commercial.

Hamster so you think you can dance. This is, this is Erin. We got it.

Erin, you're killing it. You are killing it at this game.

Every episode, every episode is a Kia Soul driving up and then cancer dressed like today's youth get out and do a modern dance.

I don't know if I'm going to help you, but the lead in this is John Baranthal. Oh, I don't even know who that is. The Punisher. He's the Punisher, Walking Dead. Yeah. I watched that HBO show he did about being a dirty cop.

He was in The Bear. Oh yeah, the one in Baltimore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, do you know his new show? Because if you don't know his new show... What about the second one? Do you know the second one? Adopted by a wealthy couple and navigating their high class world with his foster brother Seth.

Seth. Oh, is this Austin Powers?

Set in a beach side town. Beach side town. A boardwalk empire. The OC? It's the OC. It's OC.

How do I not know that I'm so sorry?

It is. Yeah, you nailed it. Can we drop the the? Has that rule been covered yet?

Yeah, the the has dropped. So it is OC.

So something that ends with O. Ampersand C. Something OC.

The Sopranosies. Impressio. Imprasado.

Amps to you. As much as I would love to watch the Star Wars episode, I guarantee since none of you watched it and you don't know from the John Barithol clue that I don't think you're gonna get this, the show is called American Gigolo. Okay, based on the movie. No it isn't. Which is based on, no it's a new property, which I think is based off a book maybe as well.

Wasn't there a Richard Gere movie called American Jiglo?

Yes, yes.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't get the information. I think we're thinking of Rob Schneider. Can I call for a scene here? I would like to see JPC you are Rob Snyder in court suing John Baranthal because he has infringed on your copyright for American Gigolo. Is that what it's called?

Order order settle down everybody we can get through this day without everyone making a scene.

Your honor, I object. Your honor, I object. To settling down? I was not appointed a lawyer.

Per your suggestion, Rob, you said, this is a role of a lifetime. This will get me back. This will be my big comeback.

That's what I'm saying. I'm saying shouldn't I get bonus points for waving my right to an attorney and being my own attorney, your honor?

Rob, this isn't a point system. It's a court of law. Okay, so tell it in your own words. Give us what happened.

Adam Sandler. David Spade. Kevin Farley.

Your Honor, those aren't his own words. Those are names. I know.

These are but a few of the numbers I could get very easily if I apologize.

Rob, you don't currently have these.

No, Your Honor. Your Honor. We'd like to cede our time to allow Rob Schneider to tell the court why SNL is no longer relevant.

I'll say it. SNL sucks now. It sucks the day they said goodbye to Rob Schneider, the guy who was making copies, the guy who was Did I do Mango?

Order! Order in the court. This is not relevant. This is not relevant. The topic of today's discussion.

If Mr. Schneider could name off 10 characters he played on Saturday Night Live, I'll give him back the rights to American gigolo.

And your honor, if it helps, I do have a very quick transcript of when we approached Mr. Schneider about doing this movie, this is the transcript and the correspondence we received. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.

I have checked your honor. I said at least once I said you can do it all night long. I know I said that.

And we would just like to formally apologize to John for having to be in court today. We know that this is beneath you. We promise this won't end up on your IMDB connecting you to Rob in any way. I appreciate that.

That we can guarantee. Your honor, permission for my client to do a full 360 so the jury can see how handsome he is?

Permission granted.

Seen. Okay, we have a few more. We own this city, we own this city.

We own this city, yeah. That was very, very good. An evil organization bent on world conquest can only be stopped by America's top-secret mobile strike force team with the mission to defend freedom. That is if 20 women competing for the affection of a bachelor can see through the deception and find true love.

Bachelorette?

It's not bachelorette, no.

Shield bachelor.

I love where your head's at, but it's not shield. It predates that, I think. It predates that.

Every day is considered pregnant.

Thank you.

Get smart dating.

Joe. Would you believe two wolves in a popsicle? Erin, you're somewhere. You're somewhere with that. You're close.

I'm lost.

No, you're somewhere.

I know, but I don't know where. Erin, what did you say? Joe, average Joe, something Joe.

It's close to that. What's the Best Buy one? What's the guy who works at Best Buy? Is it that Chuck?

That's my cousin that we were talking about earlier.

Mark.

That's Mark. Average?

Average? No, it's not average, but the Joe part was right in. The Joe is the middle of this.

That's the average Joe millionaire?

Joe millionaire. But what's a TV show? This is like a 90s, it's a cartoon. Oh.

Something Joe? Duckman?

Duckman Joe Millionaire. We got it. Got it. That one was easy.

And Casey, let's just edit it out so that the first thing that we hear in the episode is Duckman Joe Millionaire.

Well that's the title for sure. There's your title.

I want to say Jason Alexander voice Duckman? No, so the bad guys in this is an organization called Cobra.

Cobra, GI Joe Millionaire.

It is GI Joe Millionaire. Okay, this is one of mine. I'm proud of this one. This show skewers the news of the day with a run-through of recent headlines and sketch comedy before settling down to guest interviews and musical performances all while portraying a realistically stressful environment that seeks to bring an upscale take to a Chicago staple if the characters can avoid exploding at each other.

World News Tonight, we... Okay, okay.

Something Bear, you are right.

Cole Bear rapport.

The Late Show with Stephen Cole the Bear? You are right, yes. Stephen Cole the Bear?

Cole the Bear. The is in parentheses. Yes, it is The Late Show with Stephen Cole Bear.

The Bear featuring John Bruniful.

You guys fucking everywhere. Is that right? Yeah. All right, here we go. Your last one. A documentary crew records the lives of teachers working at an underfunded, mismanaged, and predominantly black Philadelphia school in the Hamptons, while a wronged woman with an assumed identity brings retribution to a wealthy family responsible for her father's death. Abbott Elementary Tree of Life. Yeah, it's Abbott Elementary Tree of Life. You got it.

The only Brad Pitt movie with dinosaurs in it.

Let's do a quick count. Only Brad Pitt movie with dinosaurs.

Did you see that movie? Ocean's Tool. I guess by the end of Ocean's 13, you know. Elliot Gould was a dinosaur.

Yeah, he's not looking great. Uh, yeah, I did see Tree of Life.

What a, what a weird movie. It's a weird one to watch. I fell asleep 20 minutes in. So all I saw was like 1940s Brad Pitt. And then I woke up and saw a brontosaurus. And I was like, did I die?

What's the, oh I fell asleep, the last movie that I remember really falling asleep to is Pan's Labyrinth. And I fell asleep and then I woke up with the guy with the eyes on his hands walking towards me. I remember walking towards me. I remember waking up seeing that and being like, nope, I'm just going right back to sleep.

James D, I have to ask, did you see this in 1915 when people thought trains were coming at them on the movie screen?

When you wake up, it can be a confusing experience.

There's no guy with eyes in his hands and pants labyrinth.

Uh oh.

Wait a minute, that guy's been dead for 30 years.

Oh, I got some stuff to talk to my therapist about, so we will take a quick break and we will be right back with more Riddles maybe.

I was sleeping. What therapy do you need at this hour?

Thank God. My therapist with eyes in his hands.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

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Hey, what's going on?

Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Okay, we're back and we're back with some risks. Oh God, Lord Almighty, I practiced this. JPC went to therapy for this. Some listener submitted riddles. I think that this first one is going to be coming from Daniel and Daniel is from Israel.

Can you make sure you said you think it might be coming from them? I think I'm going to make him make sure he's in Israel. I was like, I don't know if we do that.

No, we do.

I don't know if we keep lists like that anymore.

Adal, your Palestinian side is showing. But my wife, my wife. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Daniel is coming from Palestine. Thank you, thank you.

I'm still gonna be getting more emails from the Scientologists than they are any of this conversation.

So Daniel writes, I really love the podcast. You guys are hilarious. I have a few riddles for you to try, and Daniel lists them from easiest to hardest, which is perfect, Daniel. That's exactly what we like. So here's your first riddle. There is a kind of bacteria which doubles its volume every second. It takes the bacteria exactly a minute to fill up an entire bottle. This bacteria will kill us all. You're telling me. How much time will it take to fill half a bottle?

So it takes a minute to fill up a whole bottle. Yes.

30 seconds.

And it doubles how often? It doubles every second. Do we? 59 seconds.

Wow, Kyle. Yeah. You got it exactly right. It is 59 seconds. Nice one. It doubles every second. So one second after 59 it would double.

I hate that my head was just like, it was like bacteria the future is all I was doing in my head when you were reading that entire thing.

Marty, we've got a double. It's your kids.

Well now I'm seeing how you put together your super long list of these movie mash-ups because that's going to be a nightmare.

I think Erin got cut off. I think what you're trying to say Erin was 30 seconds to Mars.

That's what I was trying to say. Wow, thank you Adal. What an ally you are.

If you have three, then you have three. If you have two, then you have two. If you have one, then you don't have any. What is it?

Friends.

Okay, if you have one that you have as your one friend, this sucks to hear. No, friends is a good guess. It is not friends.

If you have two, you have two. If you have one, you have zero. Zero.

Three, three, two, two, one, zero.

So it's gotta be something where it's like if you have one, you're dead or something.

Something like that, but not that. I will say, I'll go ahead and say it to Daniel right now. This one's great. I like this riddle a lot.

We'll see.

You're still out on this one.

Yeah, I don't know.

Let's see. Is it like globally recognized countries ever since 1947? I was going to say 59 again.

It is neither of those. It is neither of those.

Interesting. You have two, you have two. You have one, you have... Is it step kids?

It is not any sort of family relationship, but I encourage you to keep guessing.

Yeah, can we have a hint?

Or the answer or whatever. Kyle, we never even thought to ask for that. This is gonna blow this podcast wide open.

Every Riddle, can we have the answer please? So if you have one, then you don't have any at all is the part that I think is like It is impossible to have only one of these things, because if only one of these exists for you, and this is not a physical thing, this is like an intangible thing.

I got it. This is actually something Jacob Dylan sang about, probably most notoriously. Is it headlights?

No, it is not headlights. One of the headlights still works.

Okay, we can still drive it home with that?

And Adal, I really thought you were going to say, is this a one-state solution? Because again, not a solution.

It's not like a hole, is it? No, you can have one hole. Casey, edit me in saying one-state solution, but just change JPC's voice to subtitles.

To my subtitles.

Can I hear those subtitles back?

Okay, I can give this one to you. The answer to this one is options. Three options is three options, two options is two options, but one option is no options at all.

That's just the thing that you have to do. I do want to see a scene.

Yes, please. That's such a good one.

I like that one. JPC and Kyle, you're two travelers who have stopped into a restaurant or diner on the road. Erin, you are the waiter and proprietor at this place, and you only serve one.

And you're a doctor! And you're a millionaire!

You have a new accent every time you talk. And you only serve one item on the menu. Okay.

Hey, are you guys still open?

Oh, yeah, of course. Welcome in. Wow.

Oh, the welcome in.

That's funny. Where are you all traveling in from?

God, where aren't we traveling from?

I mean, at this point, honestly, what is home?

Sacramento.

Sorry, Sacramento. If we want to be more of Sacramento. Yeah, we're from Sacramento.

Great. Let me read you today's special. Thank you. Today we have bacon. Um, I'll be back. Let me know if you need anything.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I you You blinked a bunch of times after you said bacon was I we didn't get was there more was there more? Do you get it like a menu?

Oh my gosh, how rude am I? So, uh, let me put this menu. Oh, okay And then the special menu and yes, so as you can see we have bacon and I'll give you a moment to think and then I'll be back in a minute.

So yeah, this is just the word bacon. It's laminated. They laminated. Did you print this out for the specials today?

Yeah, of course. And also, this is our regular menu, so.

Say bacon. I have a question. I have a question on the menu. Yeah, of course. Because we're both vegans. Do you have vegan options or any specials? Vegan menu.

Let me take a quick look at the menu here. Okay. Is bacon vegan?

Most predominantly no. Yeah, I mean I guess it depends though, because I've had vegan bacon before.

I don't know. I keep getting in trouble on this trip for saying, but in Sacramento stuff is like this. And I know he keeps getting mad at me for saying it. But I thought you were saying baking. I thought you guys were using an oven. And it was the beginning of a sentence.

Yeah, we use an oven to make our bacon. You know, let me go ask the chef if bacon is vegan.

I'm watching her walk back into the kitchen. It's an open, exposed kitchen. Looks like she's talking to herself. Oh, slapped herself. She slapped herself hard in the face. Yikes.

Did she put an oven mitt on her other hand? I think she did.

She's coming up. She's coming up. She's coming up.

The chef laughed at me and said that of course bacon is not vegan. Can I give you a side of anything? I can give you a side of bacon if you want it.

I do. I honestly do think that we are just going to go.

I have to know before we leave. Does the side cost less?

Yes, of course, it's sad. Also, let me- Oh, then two sides of bacon to go? Two sides of bacon.

And the screen starts to fade to black. And coming up in white letters is the words, Black Mirror. Wow. Scene.

You want to talk about a pig that got fucked? That one's dead.

Oh boy. Chilling future.

The thing about that pig sex Black Mirror episode is like four years after it came out, there was a scandal in England of David Cameron, like putting his genitals in a dead pig's mouth.

For like Skull and Bone Society or something or something like that.

Yeah, some initiation to something. People are like, all right, you guys, you can't really satirize this kind of shit anymore.

A satire has really taken a beating the past six years.

Yeah, there really just is no more satire.

My thought is that I think the guy who created that is Charlie Booker, who's surprisingly well steeped in like the comedy world, which is interesting.

Interesting.

But I feel like he knows something about... I feel like he probably knew something and couldn't outright accuse someone, and so he worked it in, if that makes sense.

You're saying this guy's illuminati, huh?

The cool thing is that I thought Cory Booker was Charlie Booker until about right now. And was just listening to your whole conversation about a guy from New Jersey making Black Mirror who's like, Senator. Dating Rosario Dawson?

Still? Still?

Rosario Dawson's Creek.

Thank you. Kyle is really killing it at playing games we're not playing.

Rosario Dawson's Craig of the Creek. That'll fit on my tombstone I think.

He was playing games we weren't playing. Okay, here we go. This one, we'll just go with this. A person is getting closer and closer towards a field. He knows that when he gets to that field he will die immediately. Yet he keeps getting closer and closer towards it until he eventually gets there and dies. Why?

All I could think of immediately when you started this riddle was what's the... Is it like a Wyman painting? Is it Christina's World? You know what I'm talking about?

Is it a force field?

Uh-oh. I can say no to both of those. I don't know the painting that you're referencing.

You can say no, but don't.

It's a woman laying in a field, staring in a house, and clearly something's wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. It's a wonderful painting.

Yes, I know the painting that you're referencing, but I gotta say, it's not the answer to this riddle.

Could it be? The answer to this riddle isn't that one painting. What a shock. The kiss? Clemps? Is it the Field of Dreams? Is he a baseball player from the field?

Wow, that's actually a really great answer. But no, he would be dead before because he's a ghost, right?

When he gets to come back and then disappear, I have no idea. Can I hear the riddle again, please, sir?

What the field was, is one of those tiny little 6x6 field notes. He was on safari and dropped it. A rhino stood on top of it. He went to go get his field notes. Rhino charged him.

Impossible to be wrong.

What does say that this guy was killed by a rhino, Republican in name only. I'm looking at you, Mitt Romney? No, it is not the Rhino thing. Here's what I'll say, and this will not be a helpful clue for Kyle. I think we had a riddle with this answer on the show before, but the setup was different enough that I was like, oh, I want to include this one.

Was he parachuting?

Yes, that is absolutely correct.

So he's coming at the field from above and the parachute malfunctions?

It was a parachute, it was a classic parachute malfunction riddle, which by the way, is a lot of these things.

Oh yeah.

A lot of them do it this way.

There's one with like a short straw. It's like a man's laying in the forest with a backpack and a short straw. What happened?

Is that a parachuting one? I thought that was like a hot air balloon.

Maybe it's, yeah, he had to jump out of the hot air balloon.

It's a lot of people plummeting to their deaths. That's a lot of these riddles.

There's that one about the guy who's really bad at shoots and ladders. Why did he lose? Because he had a pair of shoots. Oh, yes.

Ooh. That also feels like half Riddle, half Dad joke.

Yeah. It felt, it made my knees hurt to even say it.

I don't know if that makes any sense. It's like, storm's coming.

When old people feel rain, that's me forcing out a punch.

That's okay. Okay, I do want to see a quick scene. Erin, you're going to be a flight school instructor. Amber Brider.

Dan Probrider. And wife. And billionaire. And homeowner. And, um, Olympian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Olympian sent me over to the top.

Sure, we'll say that you're a wife and a homeowner as well. Really cancel each other out. Really give you one good, one bad.

No, she's having it all.

She's everything. Wives can own homes these days.

Yeah, don't you know?

Despite my voting.

Okay, what's going on? You are a flight school instructor and you are instructing two flight school trainees on how to pack their parachutes properly. And Adal and Kyle, you are the two trainees who are packing parachutes for the first time.

Okay. Number one rule of flight school, safety first. Number two rule, it's okay to be hungover when you're here.

Oh, that's great. This is flight school. So this is like if we if our plane starts to crash, this is we're gonna be using these.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also if you want to jump for fun.

She said safety was first. It makes sense to cover this today. That makes sense.

Yeah, fun is what I mean, we've got this group on because it's called Top Fun.

And we really like a great name, isn't it?

Yeah, I thought it was a golfing thing. I have to be honest with you.

No, we're jumping out of airplanes here. So, number one, safety. Number two, it's okay to be hungover. So, what you're gonna do is... Hold on, let me just... I need to take out my phone, watch a YouTube tutorial about how to do this.

How fast is this plane going right now?

Pretty fast. Sorry, I'm trying to focus on this YouTube tutorial.

Is that an ad for Adobe?

It is! Should I get it, you think?

Ever since they can cheapen the plan for you if you actually go and do the chat with them. Tell them you're thinking about cancelling. Oh, I'm sorry. You can skip the app.

Okay.

Did those Mach 3 racers get it right?

Let me try to see. That's a fun ad for the airplane.

She ignored my question.

Sorry, I'm just trying to watch a YouTube tutorial of how to pack these.

Oh, to see if they got it right or to learn.

Yeah, yeah. See if they got it right. Into the learn.

Wait, are you a 1920s gangster?

Yeah, yeah. Let's see. I think you just sort of shove it in. Any backpack will do. Got this LL Bean one from growing up. I'm going to put mine in.

Must be nice. Makes finger rub together like money.

Anyways, you just shove it in and whoever wants to jump first, I'd say give it a go.

I'll try. Yeah, you could go. Yeah.

I'd say give a big hug to your buddy.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, you never know.

It's part of rule two, maybe. Well, I'll see you. I'll see you back home. I'll see you. Watch the field. Yeah. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Zip up your zippers.

What were you going to say to him?

I don't remember. It's just what's happened. Sorry, I am hung at Uber.

Sorry, I just kind of plopped on the wing of the plane here. Is this right?

I like that he apologizes for it. Just being very calm, like you plopped out of the way and then just walked back in. Hey, sorry, misfire, bye-bye. Did not hear the directions. Okay, here we go. Again, this I think is one that we've probably done on the show, but it might be different enough. There are 10 people in a room. In that room, there is a table with a box placed on it. In that box, there are 10 donuts. Each person in his turn takes one donut to himself. And each of them has taken a donut. There is still one donut left in the box. How come? That would be after each of them has taken a donut. There's still one donut left in the box. How come?

10 people, 10 donuts. Each person in turn takes a full donut.

Full donut.

At the end there's... Oh... Conjoined twins?

Now, I will tell you that while conjoined twins are possible in humans, they are impossible in donuts. So the math just does not work out. No, it is not conjoined twins.

They each took a donut.

They're still- They each took a donut. And after each of them has taken a donut, there are still one donut left in the box. How come this be? This is- Oh, Baker's dozen?

Okay, now... 10 in baker language is 12. Is this a baker's 10? A baker's 10, which is 11.

A lazy baker's doesn't. A baker's doesn't is what it would be called. Thank you.

That's if you get shortened to two donuts and you call the place back and you're like, what the fuck? They're like, I'm sorry, on the phone I thought you said baker's doesn't. That's 10 donuts. That's my fault.

Come back in for the other two. GPC at any point has someone returned their donut to the box?

No, that's a really, really great question, and at no point has anyone returned their donut to the box. Is it something where like the person who- The box is a donut. Hi. Erin, you're s- that's very close, but it's not correct, but it's- I love the way you're thinking- One of the people is a donut. I feel closer, I feel closer. Thank God you're here.

If all ten of the people are the donuts, that puts us over.

The real riddle is there's 20 donuts because it's 10 donuts and 10 donuts. And the person writing this is a psychopath.

Adal, did you have something? Is it something to do with the person who brought them

Hey Riddle. 10 people, 10 donuts, 9 plates. This sounds like my barbecue. After each of them is taking a donut, there's still one donut left in the box. How come?

One of them is dead. Did someone just pick up the box and they're eating the donut out of the box?

The last person picked up the box and they're eating the donut out of the box.

Boo! Good, not you Kyle. Boo! Great. Boo that Riddle. No, no, you are great.

I love from To Kill a Mockingbird, Boo Riddley. Boo Riddle. I want to give a shout out to our good friend Daniel.

Daniel, thank you for writing those riddles in 2018. Thank you for writing those riddles and hanging out for four years.

The donut is going to taste horrible. That is an awful, awful tasting donut. Donut brings us to my favorite part of the show, and that's the part of the show where we talk about things that we would like to plug. Kyle, you are our guest. We welcome you with open arms. What would you like to plug on the show?

It's like the beginning of a riddle. One man is welcomed with open arms. Thank you for having me. This was very fun. I have a podcast called Never Seen It where I have people rewrite movies they've never seen and by the time this comes out Y'all's episode will have been out. And so basically I just have comedians rewrite a quick scene of whatever they think a movie probably is. And we've had, you know, we're about 215 episodes in, so it's been fun. We play some dumb games, dumb movie stuff. My dad is on it. It's fun. So you can find that. And then I'm at Kyle Ayers on most things, although I'm not hyper online.

I really, really do enjoy the segments where you have your dad describe the movie trailers that he is watching. That is a phenomenal experience.

Yes, it is a fan favorite on the podcast and he doesn't know what a podcast is. Look who's making all their money off quip.

Cool. Well, yeah, definitely check that out. You can listen to our War Horse episode and hear what I got to say is a really bad War Horse script. And I can say that because I wrote it. Erin, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Yes, I would like to plug the Chillax comedy show. It's every Wednesday at 7 p.m. It's hosted by Chicago improv teams. Wet Bus is in charge of the second Wednesday of the month, but I am there almost every week. Sometimes I'm performing, sometimes I'm not, but I've met so many here at A Riddle listeners at these shows and you should come and hang out with us. Wednesdays at 7 at the Yard Theatre. And then check out sitcom D&D if you haven't. A lot of great episodes happening over there. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, please check out Hello from the Magic Tavern, an improvised fantasy podcast. You don't have to enjoy fantasy to enjoy the podcast, but it might help. But we are also doing a show at Talia Hall in Chicago, one of my favorite venues in Chicago. We're doing a holiday winter solstice show, December 17th, it's a Saturday. So please come out if you're in the area, you can go to hello from the magic tavern.com for more details. And also, just in case GPC is purely reading a voicemail, playing a voicemail, please check out the Bill Buds podcast. You just went through, I want to say, Weeztoberfest?

It's Weeztoberfest, yeah.

Weeztoberfest, we just wrapped that up and they have a lot of fun stuff before the end of the year, so please check out Bill Buds.

Okay, well thank God that you did that because I was going to use my plug time to say go play the game Brotato, which our friend Rush Howell recommended to me. It's a game on Steam. You're a little potato and you fight for your life and it's very fun. I've been playing absolutely way too much of it. Rush said, this game you will love and I guarantee that. And he was absolutely right. So Brotato on Steam, I think it cost $3 or $5. It's a good deal. And yes, I will be seating my plug time, even though I did just do a plug, to read a five-star review. I gotta say fuck you to whoever wrote this one. This five-star review comes from 987-298-3489-4982-98398KLJFA. Fuck you, man. It says my favorite podcast. Erin Adal, I'm sad to say, I'll be quitting the podcast. I have an infection in my butt, and it's so serious that I can no longer sit down to report podcasts. What? Please know that I would have left years ago if I had the courage. Anything I say after this is in contradiction to my previous statement, is merely a byproduct of my very serious butt infection. I've lost my mind, my social security number is 153-76-4328. If you want to get your review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, just go and leave a 5 star review on Apple iTunes, and you may be the lucky dumb motherfucker who I select to read their

So the listeners are insane and you're their puppet.

I have no idea what's going on. I've got a very serious butt disease. I'm gonna die.

Well, I did hear that there is a new bacteria that doubles every second that could be in your butt.

You have 59 seconds to stand up.

It actually fell from a meteorite. It was a chunk of ice inside a meteorite that fell to earth years ago and is just melting due to climate change. That bacteria actually originated. Erin, do you know where it originated?

I do. Jupiter.

Bye forever. Awesome.

That's our little send off and that means our episode is over. Thank you so much, Kyle. That was an absolute blast.

So Kyle... That was very fun. Kyle, that's kind of how the episode goes. And then we'll... Okay. Are you ready? Great. That's a good run through. Yeah. Erin are you watching Who's the Mole?

No. Is it good?

No.

You should check it out.

But I'm watching it. What a conversation. I'm continuing to watch it.

Oh buddy.

Hey there, eyes and mouths. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of our Would You Rathers. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, any of those ad-free episodes, for $8 a month. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.