Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

All aboard. Hey Riddle Riddle. Collecting tickets for Hey Riddle Riddle. All aboard.

Sweetie, look at this young girl. She's collecting tickets. What have you done so far?

Well, if you want to get on this train, I'm collecting tickets.

Adal, Adal, give the girl some of your tickets. She's collecting them. You don't need so many. You have so many blessings, my boy.

All right, so this is Beatles at Shea Stadium 1965. Incredible. Very special one. Hey, hey, Adal, Adal, Adal. Come on, man. Not the good ones. What are you doing? Oh, I'm joking.

Those are gonna pay for your college, my dear boy.

Riff in half. This one is a golden ticket. Now this gets you one free tour of the Wonka factory with... Incredible Snatches out of your hand. Incredible Snatches. You've seen the movie. This is a ticket to Incredible Snatches, an unreleased horror film from... Come on!

Adal! It's one of Guy Ritchie's best. Don't give her a ticket to unreleased Snatches. What are you doing?

Well, Brad Pitt famously played a... Well, I don't want to say it. That's filthy.

And these are cool enough tickets to get you two spots on the train to Hey Riddle Riddle. Are you interested? Oh, hear that train noise? It's pulling out of the station. Better decide quick.

We were on our way to my dad's funeral, but I guess we could do Hey Riddle Riddle. That sounds interesting.

Funeral. JPC Funeral. Yes, we were going to make it Funeral. And there's Funeral Cake? What else? What else? Uh, young lady, where are you going?

Well, to Hey Riddle Riddle, of course. That's why I'm standing on this train.

Of course.

Not that young.

That's a horse situation.

On the side of this train, it says, Hey Riddle Riddle. I am technically on the train collecting tickets. Are you a ghost?

Alright, Miss Elitist. Well, me and my friend can't read, so I guess you just wormed that one out of us. We're illiterate. Is that what you wanted to know?

I thought this would be a simple concept. It turned out to not be as simple as I thought. Oh, the train's moving. You coming?

I'll run alongside of it. I'll run alongside of it. Oh yeah, I could outrun a train. No problem. Oh, winded.

Oh, size blend. Size blend. Goodbye. Good bye. Wow.

Erin walks up to Adal and JPC eating popcorn. Hey guys.

Erin, you just missed the coolest woman in the world.

Dang it.

Yeah, there was a train and everything, and Erin, the best part? She could read!

Aw man, I would have loved that. What's up guys?

Oh well, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JP2.

And I'm Erin. Do you think that we'll ever have to record a last episode of Hey Riddle Riddle? Or do you think we'll go for that?

Yes. But, Erin, if it helps, I don't think we'll know. It's our last one.

Yeah. That is my hope. My hope is that we don't know that it's the last one that we are recording.

I'll be like, hey, can we kind of stockpile some episodes because I'm going on the Titanic 2. Gem and I found this very cheap flight. It's a big boat in the air.

Well, more likely we'll all just be like hanging out and then someone will be like, hey, Casey moved to Mexico. We're like, uh, well, how do we do the thing? And they're like, I don't know. He's gone. We're like, uh, and then just no more episodes.

He had all the Howard Dean scream samples in the world. And we'll be like, we're ruined. We literally cannot do the show.

All right. Well, that makes me feel sad then that you think this is ever going to stop.

Erin, what's the saddest you've ever been in your life? Oh, my God.

Well, right now, probably.

Oh, can I tell you? Can I tell you? I do have a story about saddest I've ever been in my life, and I thought, what's up? It's not really saddest I've ever been in my life, but this is recent. So, we went to our restaurant, and I, look, I'm not going to name them because it doesn't matter, but it is one of my favorite restaurants, and we got some pick-up, it's Olive Garden, and we got some pick-up food. It's a local Chicago place. Hey Riddle. Thanks for watching!

Peeking over a wall. Yes. Yes. Yes, you understand. So what is the ideal as a vegetarian? Yeah, I mean you're a vegetarian. I'm not as a vegetarian you JPC. What would be the ideal? What would be the ideal steam vegetable mix?

Well, so the idea, I think, is a mix, right? Like, I open this up, I see all carrots, and I think, like, at that point, it's not steamed vegetables. At that point, it's steamed carrots. Like, you're like... Oops, all carrots. You've broken a promise to me, and you've given me oops all carrots. So, anyway, I think that's funny. I laugh about it. I put the carrots on, like, my plate from the to-go box, and then there's just, like, a big piece of plastic bag that's also, like, in with the carrots. It looks it looks it truly looks like a condom like worth of plastic and that shape and I was like oh this is like this is not only was it all carrots but there was like a plastic bag in it which is pretty gross even though the saddest you've ever been It was pretty obvious. It was pretty obvious that whatever the bag that they had the mixed vegetables in, this was just like a corner of it that had like gotten, you know, mixed into the cooked vegetables, whatever.

A condom's full of plastic? If I found three inches of plastic in my food, I would be so bummed. Why are you laughing? I would say, as a non-vegetarian, I would say snow peas or sugar snap peas. That's my number one. If I'm getting this steamed vegetable medley, I'm looking forward to the sugar snap peas. That's what you want. Yes, those are the number one, in my opinion.

I definitely don't want mushrooms because I'm not a mushroom guy, but I think my least favorite would probably be like baby bok choy. Don't leave those out of my mixed vegetables.

Can I give you the hypothetical?

Well, yeah, but can I finish my story?

Oh, there's more?

So I was like, well, I'm not going to eat this now, because obviously there's a piece of plastic bag in it, but I don't want to be a dick about it. But I was like, I'll just call the restaurant and see if they can just whatever, comp the meal. And I did, and the restaurant was very apologetic, and they were very cool about it. And they just were like, yeah, we'll refund you for that thing. But as I'm calling, Mariah, who was also eating, there was other stuff besides the mixed vegetables. She was taking bites off my plate. She took a carrot, I took a bite of the carrot and put it in her mouth and I go, that was the thing with the plastic bag in it. Like that we just talked about. And she spit it out of her mouth and she was like, I forgot. I'm on the phone with the restaurant. We had just talked about it. Oh no. So this is the status Mariah has ever been. Before I did find the piece of plastic bag, I did have like four or five of those carrots. So I did eat some plastic bag carrots. Not the saddest I've ever been, but still kind of weird, kind of gross.

Yeah.

Well, shows canceled. Erin, this was our last episode. This is what I mean though. I wish you, that was a test and you guys were supposed to go, no, Erin, we're going to do this show forever. There's no reason to be sad, but that's not what you said. You both laughed and said, of course.

Well, it's kind of like you asking like, You know, do you think we're going to die one day? It's like, well, of course. Like, I'm under no illusion that I've been a... What?

Oh no. Oh my God. Looks at myself in there.

Oh my God. You know who's not going to die anytime soon is this guy because I got my COVID, my Omicron booster. I got like the new, the new, the new hotness, the new COVID booster, like two days ago. And I got to tell you, feel great. Did sleep, did sleep, did take a nap today for like four hours, but other than that, I feel fucking fantastic.

I'm getting mine next week. I'm a little bit nervous because it always sort of knocks me off my feet.

Yeah, it was about 24 hours of getting knocked off my feet, I would say.

Erin, I got to say it. I mean this in the nicest way. I think in the last two years, you've had COVID more often than you haven't had COVID.

Thank you.

Okay. And Erin has pronounced Dungeons and Daddies. Beth from Dungeons and Daddies.

Well, so I, um, when, when Mariah and I got appointments the same weekend, but separate times. And when she made hers, that was like the last time that day. So I got an appointment at a Walgreens at 8.15 PM on a Sunday night. And I was like, for sure that this isn't a real appointment. I'm going to get in there. They're going to be like, what? The person who does that went home hours ago. Get the Get the fuck out of here. But it was actually the best because I went in at like 8 o'clock and I was out by like 8.05 because there was no one in there. They were like, yeah, we'll give you your fucking magazine shirt. And I did COVID shot in one arm, flu shot in the other. And I was told by Raya, I was like, I'm going to see. I'm going to test like which one I feel like I have more of a reaction. Couldn't tell the difference. The exact same. And both of them were a needle in my arm.

Can I tell you too the saddest I've ever been? I was driving, this was maybe... And obviously Casey bleep this out. Yeah, bleep this whole thing out. One long bleep. Make it sound like a weather warning.

Casey says this has Patreon energy, which is simultaneously the biggest insult and biggest compliment.

No, it's a compliment. Patreon's better.

Maybe like eight years ago, maybe eight or nine years ago, I can't remember when, I was driving and as I was driving and it was kind of stormy, it was kind of raining, it was later at night, I saw a woman on the side of the road dressed in prom attire and she had her thumb out, she was hitchhiking. And so I picked her up and she got in the car and she just looked, she had kind of this pale look to her and a scarf around her neck. And as we were driving, I was like, hey, like, are you okay? Like, where can I take you? And she's like, drive to the old high school.

And I was like, never ask a woman, where can I take you?

Yeah, it's, um, she seemed upset. So I started driving her and, um, you know, clearly she was going to prom. So I drove her to the old high school and that high school hadn't been in operation. I don't know. In 30, 40 years. And so as we're driving, we're coming up on a cemetery, and as we pass the cemetery... Adal, before you keep going, just remember that you promised me you'd never lie to me again.

But keep going. And then I was so hungry.

I woke up. It's not like this is a dream. Yes, there you go. There you go. This was a dream. It's not a lie.

This was a thing that happened to you. A sad dream. And as we passed the cemetery, the young woman said, look, a cemetery. And I was like, uh-huh. And I was kind of rolling my eyes. That's not an interesting fact. And I dropped her off at the school and she goes, oh shit, this is the wrong high school. And I said, well, I got to get going. And I felt so bad for her because she clearly went to the wrong prom. But yeah. You know, that shit happens. Anyway, we should get into some riddles.

You try to do a good deed for someone and that's exactly what you get, you know? Unbelievable, millennia.

As alphabet one sang, unlimited. No, no good deed goes unpunished. That's what I meant to say.

Is alphabet one sang?

What kind of car is that?

Okay, let's do riddles because you're right. This isn't a Patreon episode. We have to be serious.

I don't know.

What gets sharper the more you use it? You're a noodle. You're a noggin. You're a brain.

You're a brain.

Well, it's a brain. A brain, the final answer. Final answer, Rebus.

What is a brain?

I do want to see a scene.

A million dollar question. A brain. I do want to see a scene. JPC, your famed English author, Bram Stoker. Okay. I assume he was English. Sure, that's a people who has a name. Erin, this is like a kind of a writer's retreat. And Erin, you are brain stoker, and there's been some sort of mix-up at the writer's retreat with name tags.

No, this is simply unacceptable. Sir, sir, front deskman. This is simply unacceptable.

First I- Sir, front deskman. No, sir, sir, sir.

I'm saying sir as politely as I can. Sir.

Not as polite as me. Sir.

And I bend down and I go, and I take my hand off. And I do a little curse and I go, oh, so. You're wearing my name tag. It's just the white parts of my pockets that come out of my pants and I say, so.

I'm doing a little shrug like a baby and then I go, so. You're wearing my name tag.

I found one for my phone. I don't know how to unlock the phone. I hold the phone out to you. So. So.

Your name, Tag. First, I was not able to access my room upon attending this conference, and now I'm being accosted by this vagabond at the front desk's loon's desk?

Oh, excuse me. I am a far more fancier man than you. Why would I name... Why would I grab the wrong nametag? This is mine. Oh my gosh. There's either a typo on my nametag or we have similar names.

I see the misunderstanding now looking at the nametag of my name spelling upon your chest. My name is Bram Stoker. B. No, hold on, hold on.

And you're a writer professionally?

I'm not an editor.

Oh, gotcha.

Bizorink.

Bizorinks!

Bizorinks! B-A-R, there's an H in there somewhere, and then an A, and then of course there's an M. I'm Brahm Stoker.

Ah, and I'm Brahm Sticker. What was it?

That is what you have written on your hand.

Yes, I'm looking at the front desk. Sir, what's my name? Sir? Sir? Sir? Your name? One moment. Hey Mary, it's me.

Your cousin, Marvin Shelley. You know that new monster book you've been looking for? Well listen to this. Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir

Wow. It's so fun to find the origin of a story inside of a scene. Pretty cool.

Yeah. Learning can be fun.

Have you guys ever tried to read Mary Shelley's?

Never.

Once.

Never again. I should have known where that question was leading.

I don't think I have.

I don't recommend it. It's pretty boring. Old books from a long time ago are pretty boring a lot of the times.

That's redundant. Yeah, it's tough.

Old books from a long time ago. It's tough, yeah. I would just rather see, I'd just rather see, you know, what the new Marvel movie's all about.

Let's see what the fans take up this thing is.

I heard they made a book out of Ant Man.

No way.

Must see. It's a bunch of little panels. I don't know. The musical involved some great dancing by a group of actors that had been friends and- Wait, did we get the answer to that one? Was it Brain? It was fucking Bram.

Bram. Oh, we were right. It was Bram. Okay, we're ready for the next one. Sorry.

I don't know, the musical involved some great dancing by a group of actors that had been friends and performers for years. By the end of her second week, Java was still a part of the cast, but she was no longer included in the show. Why? Okay. And her name is Jabba? J-A-V-A. Java? Jabba?

She broke her ankle.

Uh, Erin.

Whoa. Did Erin get it?

You are dead on.

Really?

No. But there's something to it. There's something more to it.

She broke her ankle dancing. She broke her ankles waving at her friends in the show.

Dear Evan Hansen.

Okay, so can you read the riddle one more time?

Kicking through a window. The musical involved some great dancing by a group of actors that had been friends and performers for years. By the end of her second week, Java was still a part of the cast, but she was no longer included in the show.

Because she's an actor, not a dancer, so she's not very good at dancing, so she broke her legs. Tell me I'm wrong.

Was she like the lead dancer but then she broke her ankle and then they were like, I guess you can be the stage manager? And they were like, the stage manager? The job that we basically don't even need to have?

Hey, the rest of us cast are going home. Can you sit here and manage the stage?

Make sure it's watered. Make sure the stage is here on time, stage manager. I think that, hey Riddle Riddle listeners, it's like 90% former stage manager. I know that people are going to come at me for that. I know, but it's true.

It truly is. It's a lot of people in black shirts and black pants.

With burnout and anxiety.

And who are for eight weeks out of the year are just need that control. They need to be able to yell at someone to be like, hey Josh, hey Josh, we're rehearsing right now.

Can I roast our listeners really quick?

Please.

Hey listeners, how is your addiction to colorful pens going? Why don't you buy some new stationery? Yeah, that's right, Howard Dean Scream! You organize motherfuckers.

You need more stickers for your water bottle? And if you're one of these listeners who's sitting here all high and mighty being like, yeah, get them, roast these stage managers. I'm looking at you prop master. You're just as culpable at all of this with your all black attire standing next to your little table, the lord of the little table.

It obviously takes one to know one situation. We know you because we are you.

Yes, I'm a bit of a prop master. I'm basically a Midwest carrot top.

Did you guys do any stage crew or stagecraft or whatever it was called in high school?

I didn't do it in high school. I was too busy being the lead. I was Robin Hood in Robin Hood. The musical's no big deal. I was hooking a little thing called Peter Pan. A sensation. Kewani High School Times called me a sensation.

Yeah, they had to whisper.

I did in college, as a theater major, we had to spend time doing a little bit of everything just so you're well-rounded. So I had to do costumes, I had to do lighting, I had to do... I had to learn about stage managing, but I don't know if I actually did it.

Had to stage manage anything.

Because I was always in a show every semester, so I don't think they ever made you be a stage manager. But I did costumes and lighting for a dance recital and for something else that was non-acting.

I did stage crew for all the musicals in high school because I never sang in the musicals. So I did all the plays and then did crew for the musicals. And I think mostly what I did was build sets and stuff and then have someone else come by and be like, you built the stair upside down. Everyone else is building a huge set and you're working on one step for four months and you fuck it up continuously. But then I would always, I would be like one of the people who would dress it all black and like move the props on stage during the, you know, blackouts. Oh yeah. But I was never like a stage manager. That was the people who were serious about crew. And I was the person they were like, look, you're a fucking actor, you don't need to be here.

I could easily see a young JBC being told, oh, you built this stair upside down and you going, well, at some point they have to go downstairs. And then being like, J.P.C.

I remember vividly having to rebuild a stair three times, and finally the director was like, you keep doing this wrong. And I was like, yeah man, cause I don't know how to build a fucking stair. You told me to do something I don't know how to do.

I did so much crew during college. Well, most of the crew I did was like costume crews. Yeah. Like I was people's dressers, like on the actual day of the show. And then I assisted.

Like a bureau.

Exactly.

Yeah. Like for the beauty of the beast.

Yeah, I was like the bureau. Hey Riddle. You know what? It should be a big wood set that takes eight billion years to build. And it was my first crew. Oh, so bad. It was so, that crew was so bad, but I was the only other friend I had on the crew was Jimmy Betts. And we had to learn how to weld and we had to be there for three hours every day for like four months. And there was one Saturday that they made us come in. So we're like so burnt out and tired. We're there every day. And we were there for four hours and they're like, okay, build this ladder. And we tried for four hours and we're like, this doesn't make sense. We're so confused. And then they came in and they're like, oh my God, we gave you the wrong measurements. Sorry to waste your whole Saturday.

That sounds like an elaborate prank. Also, I gotta say, funny name, but I bet anytime your friend goes to Las Vegas, he has comped everything. I know, he has a cool, he's got a good name. Jimmy Betts isn't there.

She's the gentlest soul. He's like a little lamb of a guy and he burst into tears and threw a hammer at a wall. And guess what I did? I burst into tears and we hugged each other on the floor because we were like, this crew is prison! Nothing but respect. Kathleen Turner, you know the actress, was in a show at the St. Louis Repertory Theatre while I was on the three penny opera crew and she kept She was walking backstage while we were building it, and she was like, what is this for? What are you guys doing? And we're like, it's three penny opera, and she's like, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. She kept forgetting every time she'd walk by and be like, what are you guys doing? We're like, still three penny opera, Kathleen Turner. Check back in later. Which has been four years.

If you're still doing it, it's been four years. What are you doing?

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle. And we thought it would be very funny to shrink-wrap Chris's car closed so that he couldn't get into his car. And we did it. It was very funny. We trashed his car. And he was very mad. And he said, I will get revenge on all of you. We're all, hahaha, and I'm like there for the ride. I'm like, hahaha, this is fun as well. And then the first person that they got revenge on was a kid named Colin, and Colin was carrying four buckets of paint, and he was carrying them, like, on the stage, two somewhere, and Chris hit him in the nuts so hard, and Colin folded down on the ground, but he couldn't spill these open things of bait that he was carrying, so we just watched him, like, fold onto the ground, like, slowly while the paint, like, dripped onto the ground, and we all watched in horror, because we all knew we were next, and we were like, that's how he got Colin. Like, no one slept a wink for the rest of the time that was in session.

That's so funny.

Lesson learned. To backtrack slightly, Erin, you made a joke about being a singing dresser, saying la la la la. I do want to see a scene. This is kind of like a Beauty and the Beast situation, like you said, JPC. So JPC, you are the beast, you're the titular beast in the castle. And your castle is magical, but it's magical because you have one dresser that talks. It's never a person or anything, it's just you have one dresser that talks and that's it.

God damn it. I broke all my clothes all again. God damn it. Peace don't go in there. Just be naked today. It doesn't... you don't need... Ah, good morning, dresser!

How about this? Throw something on your nose. Oh, I have a sun hat.

No, I don't. Thank you. I don't want to wear a big floppy dress and a sun hat today, dresser. Thank you very much.

Oh beast, take me to town today.

No, now. Now, dresser, we did that. We did that one time, and what did you do?

I made everyone scream in horror, but I just wanted to go out to jigger!

Little boy peeking in the window. I told you, I told you he fucks that dresser. She said take me to town, and he said we've done that.

Look, okay, I thought me going into town was going to create such an uproar because obviously I'm a, you know, big beast that lives in this, you know, manor house all by myself. But no, people were just enthralled by the singing cabinet because we tried to go for a nice dinner and you just couldn't stop singing.

Ooh, me? Yes, you? No, no.

Can I just get some pants and a cape? Because I have a huge day of... I have to scowl around and, you know... Yes, of course, but first... What are we?

Like, what? How would you define our relationship?

I mean, we're having fun, right? I mean... You know it's just like it's just like fun in the house thing it's not like fun like we it's I don't think that we're like you know we're not the type of you know whatever I don't want to say couple but we're not going out.

I want to be in a canoe while you paddled it and I want to feed the dogs.

Kicks in door. You there beast. It's time to die it's me Gastoon. The local buff man. Big plex rips my shirt, pulls off pants, chippin' damn pants.

Magic mic, magic mic, magic mic. Cabinet, did you hire another stripper? Did you hire another- It's someone's birthday! I promise you it's not. No one strips like a stone. And snap! Snap that neck. Alright, well now I'm going to need more clothes because I have to bury another stripper. I can't believe you keep doing this.

Another secret we share between us. It doesn't bother us. It brings us closer.

I think I have depression. I love that at the start of that scene it was basically Brian Cox as the Beast. Fuck off!

Shabam!

Goddammit! You don't want to know where you're from Wolverine?

I have a question for the group. Am I okay? Or am I mid-nervous breakdown?

Erin, we're all mid-nervous breakdown. Great.

You're gonna feel better.

Yeah, that's my favorite strain of the weed.

I have a question for y'all. The musical involves some great dancing by a group of actors who had been friends and performers for years. By the end of her second week, Java was still part of the cast. She was no longer included in the show though.

Oh, because she's in a cast. She broke her leg and she's wearing a cast, so she's part of the cab. That's not how I would put that.

The cast she was a part of was on her leg and her broken leg made performing impossible.

I would like to see a scene. You two are in some play and one of you has, yeah, has a broke, you can decide which one, and one of you has a broken leg and it's really affecting the performance.

Father, I'm home. I'm home from the war, and I just want to see you. I just want to see you be happy. You haven't been a happy salesman since I don't know when. And even though my name is happy, I haven't been happy. I haven't been happy in years.

If I were a rich man... Jeff, careful.

Jeff, careful. You shouldn't be dancing on the roof.

No, this is a production of Fiddler on the Ground, obviously. We had to make some changes, so it's going to be Fiddler on the Ground.

No, I'm in the cast, I understand. I just want to be careful because it looked like you were climbing up on the roof.

How are they breaking the fourth wall? I can hear them talking to each other.

Ma'am, excuse me ma'am. Hey, you, you're out. Hi. Kick her ass out. What the hell are you talking about? I play Happy. Because we're the actors. Yeah, dumbass. When you go to a play, the people on stage are supposed to be talking, not the people who are on too much volume in the fucking audience. Not that person.

If you would have commented... When a girl needs to watch Fiddler on the Ground, that's nothing. The metaphor is that the Fiddler's on the roof and he's playing his music, his cultural music, in a place that is tricky, where he could fall and he could hurt himself. The metaphor just works, he's on the ground, motherfuckers.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Oh, Lewis, I didn't know we had a dramaturg in the audience. Yeah, dramaturg. Yeah, more like dramaturg, ma'am. Ma'am, get back here. We're dressing you down. We're dressing you down. More like dramaturg.

Hey everyone, can we get a round of applause for the crew?

Let's, yeah, heroes. Hardest working crew in America. Absolute heroes. The crew is absolute heroes. But just America. That woman's not clapping.

I saw that woman not clapping.

We are doing the show.

We are doing the show. If you would have screamed at us in character, you would have been protected by state law. Because state law says in a theater... Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She's got us. She's got us.

Let's state law. Let me escort her on stage.

We'll put her on stage, we'll trap her on stage with the Laserwolf.

Good luck beating the Laserwolf. Dumbass.

I remember we did Fiddler on the Roof in high school and my buddy Pete got cast as Laser Wolf and I was not familiar with the play at all and I was like, oh Pete, they made up a part for you. Laserwolf is not... There's no such... That's nothing. That's nothing, buddy. You're basically tree number two. Laserwolf.

Laserwolf. Every production of Fiddler on the Roof is a gregarious senior. He's not the best singer, but he's really charismatic. Make him Laserwolf.

Well, speaking of Laserwolf, why don't we laser our wolves on over to an ad break and we'll be right back with more. Hey Riddle Riddle.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Adal, speaking of Laserwolf, you know what I just got back from? Meow Wolf? Meow Wolf. Laser Tag? Laser, I played Laser Tag at Meow Wolf. They did ask me to leave. They said, this is not part of the, this is not part of the experience. You have to go. Oh. Where did you get back from?

Meow Wolf.

In Santa Fe.

You did? Yes. You were in Santa Fe?

I was in Santa Fe, and I had- You went to a restaurant? I had the time of my life. Did you like it? The restaurant? No. I was expecting more of like a Tex-Mex thing, and it was a little too much Tex, not enough Mex.

I'm so excited. Santa Fe is truly one of my favorite places on earth. I've never been there. Why were you there? What did you do? Tell me all about it.

I went to Albuquerque to go to the, I think it's the world's largest hot air balloon festival. Oh yes.

Cool.

Yeah.

That's where you and Mariah were in a business trip, yeah.

Exactly, yeah. Before we were dating, we were on a business trip when we worked at the same company together, too. I think it was like a resort in Albuquerque or Santa Fe. I think we flew into the Albuquerque airport, but it's all very similar over there. I think it's about an hour away.

I remember as a kid watching Looney Tunes and Bugs Bunny would always be like, uh, taking a train to Albuquerque or Kalamazoo or Kukamunga. And I was always like, these are clearly made up little towns. He's clearly just saying sounds. And then I grew up and realized, oh, these are all real places that sound insane.

Well, what, what solidified it for me was the weird out song Albuquerque, which that was, that was one where I was like, Oh, I guess it is a real place.

Do you have any bear claws? We're out of bear claws. That's Gemma's favorite Weird Al song.

My buddy saw Weird Al play that song live last year. Blood's everywhere.

Hold on. No, Erin needs a titchet, Erin.

Very pretty.

I like your headband. It was driving me insane that I couldn't get that sneeze out and then it really hurt by the time it fell. Doesn't matter. Keep talking.

He did a bit where he's like talking to the audience and then he like weird out like he's like well I lost track of where I was in the song I'll just start again and then he said he played he did like the first four minutes of the song again and then stopped and was like I just remembered where I was and then skipped to the part of the song. I was like that is such a funny bit you take a 12 minute song and turn it into a 20 minute live piece that's very funny.

What's great is if you, I always thought it was a Weird Al original, if you, I can't remember the name of the song, but there's a song that it's, he's parroting, and it is insane. I'll send you the song.

Wait, what?

That's a parody song.

Oh yeah, the Albuquerque, it's not a, it's not like an actual- It's like Jim's Automotive or something, it's some sort of, yeah. It's not an actual parody, but it's like, I can't remember what the term for that is because like, parody is like when he does like, uh, um, Amish Paradise versus a gangster's paradise. But it's, yeah, some sort of like homage. Uh oh, Casey's typing. So Casey might know. Style parody? Style parody is what it's called. Yep. That is, that is the, that's the technical term.

But the song is insane. You gotta listen. They're both insane. So JBC, I have, I'm absolutely dying out of curiosity. You went to Meow Wolf. What did you think?

I loved it. Have a great time.

Isn't it so cool? Yeah. Did you get your burrito Christmas style?

I got my burrito Christmas style, which is when they put a little French fries, Santa Fe French fries. Mission Christmas style.

That's what George W. Bush put across that naval ship. Mission Christmas style?

Mission Christmas style. What would the world have been if he had had a big banner that said Mission Christmas style on that show?

Mission and Christmas.

Well, let's get to another riddle here.

I don't know.

He said Mission of Christmas and then transitioned into a riddle. That was heroic. That was amazing.

Our next live show, Can I Pull a Chord that drops a huge banner that just says Mission of Christmas?

Yes.

The thing about things like that is like, God, it would be so worth it to do that bit, but it would take so much effort. I remember when I was much younger. I mean, Adal, probably the same thing with you. Christmas wrapped the whole person's apartment. I had such an energy and thirst for doing elaborate bits. And now in my 30s, I'm like, ha, fun idea. Let's think about it for a second and let's move on. Let's name the episode Mission to Christmas and move on.

At a certain age, you get to a point where you just text people and you're like, should we do this? And you toss out an idea and they go, yeah. And you go like, yeah, we should. And then you don't talk to that person for two years.

You can just, by the time you're 30, you can just text your friend going out to dinner, and that's the same as going out to dinner with your friend. You just think about how it would go.

We should have dinner sometime soon. Having fun is a young person's game. Oh, absolutely.

Just this morning, I said to Sean, it's almost Christmas! And he said, you need to get a grip.

Well, you're on the ledge of your...

Oh, I just love Christmas so much. I've been sending him Christmas TikToks since about May, going like, let's get ready to Christmas. I love Christmas. Yeah. Something that makes me feel anything is decorating my house for Christmas every year.

So, can't wait. Erin, who is doing Christmas TikToks in May? Like, are these old Christmas TikToks?

My soulmates.

Yeah. A person with the other parasite in their brain.

Other people with clinical depression, thank you for asking. They're like, pick your Christmas vibe this year, and then we'll just show a bunch of different Christmas vibes. Actually, this is not a safe space to share this. This is not the group of people I can tell about that going to my lab.

I'd cut it out, Erin, but we need the content.

We need an error that has to stay in.

Yeah, whatever, whatever.

Speaking of bits that we won't do anything with the other day, I texted Mariah, the Stanley Tucci Institute of Tuitionology, and I said, I don't know what this is, but here it is, free idea for the world. I told Erin about it too there. Mission of Christmas! Mission of Christmas! The Tooch. The Tooch. I love Staley Doo Doo Doo.

Oh, GPC. So I sent GPC a pan, like a skillet, and I got a picture.

By the way, I made a big skillet cookie in that last night.

And you sent me a picture. It looked fucking delicious. It was, it was good. It made me go like, oh my God, it looked so good. How do you make a skillet cookie?

So it was also, it's basically you just make like cookie dough and then put it into a skillet. But it was one of those things where I came upstairs and I was like, Mariah, can we make a skillet cookie? And we're like, let's go into the kitchen and see if we have all this stuff. And we did. We just had, we had, it was like, you know, flour, sugar, brown sugar, butter, vanilla, and egg, and chocolate chips. And you just kind of whipped that dough up into a cookie dough.

Also, heat and time.

And baking soda. I'm going to get roasted in the comments for not including the baking soda. Yes, and heat, and heat.

Yeah, especially heat. The only groceries I have are cut up cucumber, old pepper jack cheese, and caramel koalas. That's the only thing in my refrigerator right now. It's good for you having all those ingredients.

Does it be one of my famous pepper jack koala cookies? No, please. I'm still finishing my first one from last year.

Yeah, no. We're just moving it around the plate with a fork. We're like, it's so good. I just can't believe how long it's taking me.

Don't forget to dunk them in Powerade.

Oh, no, I'm good.

Do you have like cucumbers as a snack? And if so, do you put anything on them? A special something?

I don't have cucumbers as a snack. I won't go buy a cucumber. Cucumber is one of those vegetables that is just not super, it's like celery to me. It's like not super interesting.

I used to have cucumbers as a snack. I'd chop them into little rounds, but ever since I discovered Himica, I just grabbed Himica instead of cucumber. It's a more crunchy, delicious snack.

Himica is like a gin, correct?

Yeah, I just drink gin instead of eating cucumber.

It's my madman diet.

I buy many cucumbers, and I think this might be regional because people are pretty horrified when I tell them this. I don't know if you have any, but sometimes I'll just cut them up and then I'll put a tiny bit of like pink sea salt on them and that'll be that. And that's normal. But the thing that's weird, but everyone in Massachusetts does this, but you do apple cider vinegar. You put that on them.

Yeah, you can see that.

You're making pickles.

Yeah, kinda though, but it's so good.

My dear, you had pickles. You're microdosing pickles.

Have you ever, or are craving like salt and vinegar chips?

Eat pickles.

And you don't have them? Obviously.

Yeah, there. I was waiting for you to finish the part where you were like, if you're ever craving salt and vinegar chips, get them. Just eat those instead.

But if you need a little bit of that in your day and you have cucumbers and apple cider vinegar in your house, it scratches the same part of my brain and it's delicious. But everyone's like, ew, you can't eat apples. Ew, what are you? Ew.

That sounds fine to me, Erin. I don't... It doesn't sound like it's like, I think I've only ever used apple cider vinegar to kill fruit flies, but it still sounds like something that you can do. Hey.

Come on.

It sounds like a cartoon extra in Simpsons.

Bart stole my pie.

I don't know, two thieves returned the new air conditioner to the church where they had taken it. Even after the church leaders publicly announced that the thieves could keep the air conditioner due to the severe heat, the wording of the forgiveness frightened the thieves so much that they felt they had to bring it back. What was the wording?

Um, something about, like, it's something about, like, cause these are priests, right? From a church. It's like burning in hell or something like that.

Like, Ooh, you are hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Yeah. It's, it's like, cause they said that they said that they could keep it, but the thieves brought it back. So they said something about like, You're burning.

You'll, you're, you won't burn.

You won't burn in hell for this or something like that.

Very, very close. Yeah. I would give it to you because you're so close, but we just said the riddle. So let's buy a little more time.

Okay, so it's like keep the air conditioner because they said that they could keep it. So they said keep the AC. We promise you won't burn in hell. Wig, wig, wig. Hell is hot, but this AC is not. So have a summer.

This is a Saved by the Bell Limerick.

Yeah, you won't burn in hell.

You're both pretty much dead on. The priests, their public announcement that the thieves could keep the air conditioner, went as such. Please keep the air conditioner you stole from our church because it will be very hot where you are going. Wow. That's some passive aggressive shit that I think some priests would pull.

We're going to see a scene. So Erin and Adal, you are two priests doing your weekly public proclamation. So anyone that has wronged you or the church or whatever, every week you just come out in front of the church and you have this kind of open airing of your grievances. So you are two priests doing that in front of a crowd.

All right, everybody settle down.

Okay, everyone settle down. Jim, sit down. Jim, sit down, please. Okay, we have some announcements to make.

First things first, somebody farted in the 11 o'clock mass and it was terrible. Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, let me cross that off. That was the one thing I wanted to say on that.

Yeah. Sorry. I know you thought you were going to get a big laugh on that.

Are you okay? No, but we have to move on. Okay. No.

No, I'm proud of you, my boy.

Thanks. Thank you. What else do we have here? Oh! If one of the signs in the parking lot says priests only, it means priests only.

Yeah. If you...

You are so half-heartedly agreeing with me.

I'm sorry, I thought the sign said Prius only. I'll move it. I'm so sorry.

Fuck, that's good. Get that guy out of here. Get that guy out of here.

Hey, Prius only! Shit, oh no, the crowd's caught on.

They love this guy.

That was a problem you told me to... I know, I was trying to make a joke about it and I forgot what joke I was going to make. We are currently trying, we're still looking for donations to replace our organ in the church. No one's donated yet.

Yeah, we don't have any organ donors. I guess that's a pretty serious... Claire, I'm sorry about your heart. I'm sorry about your recent heart issue. Claire passed away. Oh, Claire's twin sister is here. She passed away. She passed gas away? Was that her partner earlier? She recently just died. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I ask something? Yes. Why was my compatriot here and I not asked to present over the funeral?

They say, they think a priest murdered her. Wow. Yeah.

That's another grievance. We gotta be in charge of every funeral, even if we are on the suspect list.

Yes, and we would love if people stopped blaming us on all the town devs.

Another thing, I can already hear the complaints from Erin's mom that this scene is sacrilegious. We checked actually, and it's not. It's actually not. It's okay to make fun of priests, and if they don't have a sense of humor, then they're the problem.

Yeah, and just so everyone's clear, I don't know that it's been explicitly said, these are both male priests. So we don't want to get a bunch of emails about how we had a woman play a priest. We get it. They can't be priests, and it's good that way, right?

That's for the best. Hey Clark, do you mind if I launch into my Type 5?

Clark? Yeah, go for it, go for it, go for it.

Some other points of business here. Rectory, damn near Kildaree.

Now the crowd starts to disperse. Shuffle through notes.

Shuffle through notes.

I don't know why I just didn't go through the very next- I talked to God today directly! What are you doing? And he said, you should laugh at our jokes.

And don't fart, inch.

And now, communion. Body of Christ. Thank you, Jesus. No, you have to say yes, please. Body of Christ? Yes, please. There you go. Body of Christ? Yes, please. Thank you, Jesus. Body by Christ?

Yes, please. What is going on down here? Oh, Alan! Alan up on the roof! Hey! I'm trying to sleep on the room. Oh, if I was a Christian, I'd be coming down to Mass every Sunday.

If I were a Christian.

Their Sabbath is Saturday. What? Everybody can have a different Sabbath as a treat. We all deserve a day of rest.

That's so nice. Did we do a voicemail?

What was that, Erin?

Nothing.

Nothing's here? No, come to the front of the class. What did you say?

What's your big announcement? I brought my turtle to class and it died in my backpack.

Again?

I also think we should do a voicemail, maybe.

Well, well, well. Class, would we like a voicemail?

Yeah, this whole class stinks of dead turtles, so anything that we could do about that would be priority numero uno.

Nope. Shut the windows, we're gonna listen to a voicemail. Casey, Janitor Casey, whenever you're ready.

What if, hypothetically, this podcast got a new answering machine? What if, hypothetically, you thought of some nice things to say?

And then... Hey, this is Danny. I've been listening to you guys since the first episode. You guys make Wednesday's work happen.

So I was telling my friend about this podcast the other day and he said, oh, you must be so smart for listening to Riddle like all day, must keep you sharp. I can come out of this doing a pretty shitty monkey bones impression. But my question is, this guy is very cute and handsome. How do I convey myself as witty and cunning and all these productive traits? Any input? Would be appreciated. Have a great one guys.

Wow. You blew it. You should not have said you listened to our show. There's no coming back from that. We're so sorry, but you did blow it.

Yeah. I do like, here's what I'll say about Danny's voicemail. One, Danny, thank you so much for leaving the voicemail. I do like that they said something about making Wednesdays relevant again or something. I think that should be our new slogan. I think it should be like, hey Riddle Riddle, Wednesdays are back. Hey Wednesdays are back.

Hey Riddle Riddle, Wednesdays are semi-bearable again. Just kidding. Every day sucks.

Mission of Wednesday? Is that something? Big banner dropdown? Mission of Wednesday?

We have literally never accomplished anything with the three of us. So I can't think of three people who deserve an accomplishment banner less than us.

George W. Bush.

Times three. I disagree because I think Danny came to the right place because Danny is asking a question about seduction. And what are some seductive tactics that they can use on this, frankly, hunky sounding guy in their life? Yes. And I think that, I mean, we're all pretty good. We're pretty, I mean, our track records speak for ourselves. We're all in relationships.

Well, yeah, I'm absolutely dripping with sex appeal. That's my brand.

My track record is I ran a 400 in a minute 17. That's amen. Wow, that's really fast. Thank you. So, Danny, you want to see more cunning and more appealing or something? Here's what I'll say. They want us to do this. Yeah, here's what I'll say. Never hurts to hold a candle anywhere you go. I think anytime I'm out and about and I see someone holding a candle, they are suddenly mysterious.

Unless you have the features of a Victorian ghost like me, in which case it tips and it's bad.

Yeah. Or if you have the angular bone face of an Ichabod Crane, then leave the candles at home because you're going to cast shadows everywhere. People are going to see the shape of your face, which is not ideal. But if you're not, if you don't look like Ichabod Crane. Carry a candle wherever you go. It can be one of those old-timey Charles Dickens type candles with the metal handle. It can be almost like a, what do they call that, when there's some sort of like a tragedy and you hold the candle and it has the little paper cardboard base.

Oh, yeah. Whatever those are called. Whatever those are called, sure.

You can just raw stick it where you're just holding a candle, letting the wax fall into your hand, and that's kind of hot to be like... Danny, do not raw stick it. That's kind of hot to see someone you're like holy shit they're just the wax is just burning their hand and they're holding it so that's kind of fucking sexy. What do you think?

Yeah, I think the candle idea is great. It's dangerous, a sense of urgency. We mentioned earlier on the podcast that when Mariah and I met, we were actually put on a business trip together, and that's kind of where our friendship sparked into something more. And I think that what you have to do, Danny, is you have to create that situation for yourself. Now, I've never said this before, but The only reason that Mariah and I were on that business trip to begin with is because I had been in my boss's office like the day before and I held a picture of his kids that he kept on the desk and I said, these are really nice kids. Mariah goes on the business trip with me or maybe we never see these kids again and I really put the fear of God into him and I made it happen. I made it happen for myself. So you need to make it happen for you, Danny. So stage a kidnapping. That's a really great close quarters way for you to bond. Some sort of hostage situation, a kidnapping, maybe a bomb threat in your car. Be like, let's go into my car and listen to a CD, a bomb threat.

You have to stay in there. Can Erin and I see you in our office or shared office?

Sure, absolutely.

Hey, Erin and I are worried that you are creating a whole line of John Wick's.

Is this Fries and Brisket and Lew in a photo? This is a really nice photo. It would be a shame if I made these two photos kiss, huh? Dogs kissing cats? Dogs kissing cats? No, that's unnatural.

We got so small in this office. It's so hot in here. I'm so claustrophobic. Everybody out. Everybody out. Everybody out.

Everybody out.

It stinks like dead turtle in here. Erin, what do you think?

What do you think of Danny? Danny, I've got some advice.

Lie!

From New York. It's Saturday night.

Danny, you're going to go. And then they're going to go, um, hey, what's wrong? And you go, man, I had this, I'm like embarrassed, but I made it to the final round of Jeopardy! Callbacks. And they said I was, I was too like hot to be on screen. Or they said they, but like, just say that you made it to the final round of the smart person thing. And then they go like, oh my God, you're so smart. Or you just go like, oh man, I want one bar trivia too much. They won't let me go back. Or National Geographic rejected my article. I write smart articles as my hobby to unwind, but they didn't want this one. Say something that's a lie. Danny, say lie. Lie. Just lie.

Erin, this is reiterating the fact that you are maybe one of the worst liars I've ever met.

No, me? Why? Give me one example.

I think that there's probably something, so, you know, lie about a candle in a husband situation and then use all of our advice.

Yeah, and Danny, keep us updated. Yeah, give us a call back, Danny.

We wanna help you.

We're dying to know how it is. Dresser, get out of here. Dresser, do you have anything you would like to plug?

No, not her. Get her out of here. I was on Gossip Kings, the podcast. I think that should be coming out soon. It might be out this week. I had the best time. I got to record in person and I'm a big fan of that show and they are... The best time?

That sucks to hear. They're so good.

But they are as lovely and charming together in a room as I wished they would be, and I'm so grateful that I got to go on a show and talk about Gossip Girl for an hour and a half. It was really fun. So check out that.

I'm unfamiliar with this podcast. Who are the hosts? Carl Tarr and Lamar Woods.

Oh nice. And they are, it's a TV review podcast and so they're doing like a rewatch of Gossip Girl. Lamar had listened or watched it before and Carl's seeing it with fresh eyes and they go episode by episode and it's a blast. Adal, anything to plug?

I do have something to plug, and I believe it's still relevant when this comes out in early October. I will be back in New York City, back at the Bell House even, for a live show with Hello for the Magic Tavern Friday, October 14th. Come see myself, Matt Young, and Arnie Kneecamp playing Arnie Kneecamp and Eusidor respectively. And come see us. We're going to have a show with some fun guests and some surprises and we'll be in costume. I mean, our characters will be in costume. Wink, have to not break the wall.

Y'all, you have to go. It takes Matt Young so long to get in that costume. It's so much work. Please don't make him do that for no one.

So, people know what Erin's talking about. If you've never seen it in a Magic Tavern live show before, Matt Young goes in costume as Arnie, and then Arnie plays Usador. And they do that only for the live shows. And it takes Matt hours to get into that art. Hours.

Pink polo. But we'll be at the Bell House. You can go to HelloForTheMagicTaven.com for... tickets and information or go to the Bell House website and I'm excited to be back there. That space was so fucking cool and I feel like the energy from the crowd in New York was unlike any live show energy we've had. So I'm very excited to be back.

I want to go. We'll be there.

Erin, come. Come play Momo.

It's too late.

It's too late.

I won't get any attention if I just go now.

You're clearly lying. JBC was right. It's very obvious when you're lying.

And speaking of the Bell House, if you missed our New York show, both our Bell House show and our DC show are going to be on our Patreon this weekend. Nice. So you can check those out this weekend. I, of course, am going to cede my plug time to read a five-star review. If you'd like to get your review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, just go to Apple iTunes and leave us a five-star review. This one comes from Janeway Captain. Janeway Captain says, very good. Listen to Neos Gun. So, Casey, don't love reading something like that on the show. Makes me think that you put them up to that, but I guess Captain Janeway, or Janeway Captain, I guess listen to Neo Scum.

And I actually had a new thing I wanted to do. And I'm going to read a Five Guys review. So this is from Lauren G. This is from a Five Guys... Where is this located? This is at 3315 Tewey Avenue in Lincolnwood, Illinois. Personally, I took this L personal. It had been quite a few years since my return to Five Guys. I remember it being delectably delicious. Sadly, it wasn't as good as I remember. So that is our Five Guys review for the week.

Erin... And I'm going to read a Five Below review. I absolutely love this store and the occasional rare anime goods or pop culture items that get brought in. Thank you. That's from Four Leaf Clover for Five Below.

Okay. Pretty lucky. Erin, do you know what happens to be the luckiest planet that also has a temperature of five below?

It's not Earth. It's Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan.

Hey there New York's and DC's. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a Patreon double drop.

That's right, we're dropping two episodes, our New York City and our Washington D.C. live show on the Patreon this weekend. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com, such as Hey Riddle Riddle, and joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month, or the Review Crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.