This is a HeadGum podcast.
00:00:02
???
This is a HeadGum podcast.
Erin
Welcome to the great Hey Riddle Riddle University. If you walk with me this way, we'll get to see some of the campus's most beautiful spots. To our right is the Casey Tony School of Audio Engineering. Are any of you interested in studying that when you get here? No, no, no.
JPC
Great, um... Kinda wanna be more like, um, uh, on Mike Town? Yeah, on Mike would be great.
00:01:02
Erin
Great, then you, young sir, might like JPC's School of Bullshit. You sort of have to be a filled with nonsense, insane, unhinged person in order to get into that school. You have to fail a lot of tests to get in.
JPC
Love that for him, not necessarily something that I'm interested in. I'm interested. Motherfucker piss cousin. I'm more interested in something a little more conventional. I don't know if this university has something for me.
Erin
You might like the crown jewel of our campus, the Adal Rifai library of puns. It is gorgeous inside there. You have to say sorry three times to get in. That's the secret password. If you go to your right. I'm sorry.
JPC
No, we're in the library of puns. Do you mind if I grab a book off the shelf and just, let's see. Okay, great. Grab this book off the shelf. Oh, it's an audio book. No, it's an audio book. So there will be a brief audio message that will be played. And this book is called, it's T. I'm in the T section. And this looks like it's tractors. So it's like tractors in the T section. And then it's just like, and then also it's a pun, so it has to be cross-referenced.
00:02:18
Erin
Are you sure you're not interested in the JPC's bullshit?
JPC
I'm not. And I'm not interested necessarily in the puns goal. I'm just trying to set up what, cause correct me if I'm wrong, other kid on the tour. Does this make sense that it would be tractors and then there would be another pun to like cross reference? So does that make sense? Hey man, why are you doing this? You don't even know if we're gonna go to school here. You're right, I'll put it back. We'll never get to hear what the tractor pod may have been.
Erin
I know this is what the parents want to hear, but we think safety comes first here at Hey Riddle Riddle University. Ma'am, can I be honest?
Adal
I balked because I thought he was saying he grabbed a book and it was a tea book and a tractor book and I thought there was going to be some sort of brewed tea and tractor pun cross hybrid and I was terrified. But now I understand he meant the letter T section.
JPC
I see. Yeah, it was like the letter T. I picked up the book that said tractor. Let's go back. Let's go back. You want to go back? Let's just open up this. It's the same book. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry. This is a completely different section. This is P and this is a book that says pirate ship. So I'll open this one up and planks for nothing. Okay. So I don't want to go to this school of puns, but I get the appeal.
00:03:31
Adal
I thought Planks for Nothing was pretty good.
JPC
I liked it, but again, I'm not a punk guy.
Erin
Sorry, I've been producing this tour for weeks. Can I continue?
Adal
Sorry, ma'am, can we go back to the tractor book? I just feel like that would be... That would really sell me.
Erin
Nope, it's too late. It's too late.
JPC
Well, ma'am, I did bring the book, so I do have it here.
Erin
Okay, go ahead.
JPC
I'll just crack it open. It's the tractor book, and let's just crack it open now, and... John, dear, time to get up.
Adal
Hmm. Huh.
Erin
All that for that. Great.
Adal
No, hold on. There's got to be a better one. Turn the pages. Turn the pages. Okay, you can couple pages. Shuffle the pages. Here we go. Oh, sweetie. I track tore my pants.
JPC
Can I just leave the book on the ground here or do I have to go back to... Yeah, you can just leave it right on the ground. Wait, there's got to be... Shake it out. Shake it out. There's something wrong. Let me shake the book out. And then one more on the tractor book.
Erin
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Adal
Honey, it's cold outside. It's time to put on my harvest. Okay, I like that one.
Erin
Will that make it better? As I was saying, safety always comes first here at Hey Riddle Riddle University, which is why we have a place for what the students can go if they get hurt or sick.
00:04:42
Adal
Why did you look at me when you said safety first? Just because I have these Wolverine claws?
Erin
Yeah, I was just wondering if what you were planning on doing with those and if you think you're going to run and get impaled. Is there anything else you'd like to see on the campus or it doesn't seem like you either of you are that interested in coming?
JPC
You said it as the Erin Keif dentist office or something?
Erin
What did you say? It's a nurse's office. Oh, I want to see that.
JPC
Oh, yeah. Do you mind if we take a quick peek inside?
Erin
Actually, it's a lot of people who have had very embarrassing injuries and I just don't want to really...
JPC
Oh, we simply must take it.
Erin
We must see.
???
I feel like it's going to be some of the highlights.
Erin
Oh, just we can pick what we can pop in and then you can name what you see. Just a quick peek in. Go ahead.
JPC
Okay. Wow. Oh, it's a treasure trove. Look at all this. Well, look at that. It appears to be a woman who was cleaning a fish tank and got sucked inside.
Erin
To me? I didn't say that. That's a Casey Tony soundboard. That timing was insane.
Adal
That building was beat away. Oh, I think I see, is that a woman working in a, I want to say a Marshalls? And she, something happened where her shirt came off and a man commented on it.
00:05:53
Erin
Nordstrom and it was a full shirt opened up and one of her tits fell out. Thank you, that's the best moment of my life. Shut the skirt, it doesn't matter. Anywhere else on the campus that you'd like to see?
Adal
Hold on, I see some more stuff in this room.
Erin
Leave them alone!
Adal
There's someone shitting their pants in a New York hotel room.
Erin
That's the last episode! That's not even fair!
JPC
Huh. Yeah, I mean, honestly, we can really make a meal out of this room. This one seems like it is, oh, wow, this is wild. I never thought I'd see something like this in this room. This is another one of the pun books from the library. This one is S and it's for snakes. And I'll just go ahead and open up snakes and it says, uh, poison, poison. This one says, can I ask you a question? I don't know why the audio voice wasn't working on that one.
Adal
Kind of changed mid pun.
JPC
Yeah. So, snakes. Let me just go to a different page on snakes.
Adal
I'll open this one up. Red and yellow, kill a fellow. Red and black, friend to Jack. Okay, so maybe this book is- It seems more like advice for the difference between a corn snake and a coral snake.
00:07:06
Erin
Honestly, it doesn't seem like either of you are qualified to get in here. I don't think you probably have the test scores. But it's sweet of you for coming out today, so thank you.
JPC
No, and I am, just for clarification, I am a 33-year-old man, so I probably should not be going to- Yeah, you gotta get the hell out of here. Yeah, okay, okay.
Adal
And I am a 33-year-old man. And I am JPC. I'm Adal Rifai.
Erin
And I'm Erin Keif, and welcome.
Adal
Throw your caps in the air because you just graduated from Hey Riddle College.
JPC
Can I put my cards on the table for you guys?
Adal
Aww, straight?
JPC
Yeah, my dad got me a birthday card and it says straight birthday. So this is a birthday card for a straight son. Straight son birthday.
Erin
Well they're making cards for everything now.
00:08:06
JPC
That's it, they truly are. Wait, let's see. And I don't have, I don't have like a ton of hair that I'm like, go ahead and just chop whatever off. There's like a very specific look that I can rock. Here's what I'll say.
Adal
I wasn't paying attention. One, it doesn't look bad at all to me. Two, if you're unhappy with it, can I ask, is this the same barber I want to say that you went to where you said, when he said, tell me a joke, you said, I got a joke for you, Venmo me fucking ten dollars.
JPC
I did, yeah, this is the same place.
Erin
The same place that I... Okay, so we're putting this together, yeah.
00:09:07
JPC
Do you think this was revenge? This was 100% on me because he said, what are we doing today? And I panicked and I said something completely different than I have said the last two times that I've been to this place. Because in my opinion, if you've been to a place twice and you've already gotten two haircuts there, at that point, they should just know. They should just be like... Yeah. We wrote down in our system what kind of haircut you get and I'm gonna give you the thing that you normally get and I panicked and I don't have the language to describe my haircut so what I said was I was like take those clippers run them all over my fucking head and just go nuts man. Can I give you a word of advice? I'd love one. That's it!
Adal
Damn it. Have you thought about visiting in central Illinois a little boutique Barbary called Two Minute Mikes?
JPC
I think I might have to go to Two Minute Mikes.
Adal
How much is your haircut at this place?
JPC
My haircut is $30 at this place.
Adal
$30. You could save $28.
JPC
I have been to the airport maybe seven times in the last couple of days, and I did go on the way to the airport. There is a haircuttery and there's a sign outside that says, men haircut $13, women's haircut $16. And I do kind of want to go in there and be like, give me a women's haircut. I could afford it. I'll take the $16 haircut.
00:10:22
Adal
My mother is a barber, hair stylist in Kewan, Illinois and she just raised her prices for the first time in like 20 years. She felt so bad about it. She would raise it from like $10 to $15 and she's like, I feel terrible. I'm like, mom, you should have done this years ago. You're still undercharging. You're still undercharging. You got to do it.
???
Hey Riddle Riddle.
JPC
$10 on a $30 haircut, even though they fucked it up. But he didn't fuck it up. He gave me a bad haircut that I asked for. That's the worst part. You self-sabotage. I truly did. It goes to show, never take your fucking eyes off the price.
Erin
I'll say this is a lesson, and nobody notices what you notice about yourself. True. Because I think you look great, and I think that that's a really great haircut for you, and I think you look totally normal and good.
00:11:26
JPC
Hey, but here's the caveat. I do have headphones on over the part of my hair that they fucked up, or that is bad. I am in a dark room and I am far away, so I feel like you could barely see any of my hair at this point. But you are right. You are correct. Mariah did not notice either.
Adal
My hope is that when I see you in person, I'm like, ooh, that looks like Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Erin
Jimmy Z, don't get me wrong. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would make me happier than you getting a terrible haircut and looking full. But unfortunately today is not that day. I'm not laughing. I'm not throwing a parade from joy. I'm sort of just a little disappointed that I thought I was going to see a hilarious ugly haircut and instead you look great.
JPC
Now I feel bad for you guys, but it does make me feel better. So I will try at one point to give you a haircut worthy of a total jackass. I'll try to get something so fucked up and bad. Reverse mohawk?
Erin
I miss your train robber mustache. I miss you all the time. That I would like to see any day.
00:12:28
JPC
I have been also growing up my beard and I think eventually I'm going to cut it down, but I do think that I'm going to try to do something really weird and funny with it before I do. I was playing with making a little like, kind of like, I want to say goat horns, but upside down. And I do think that once I eventually shave it, if I kept just that, it would look very funny.
Adal
Almost like car pincers.
Erin
These first riddles come from Danny. Hey y'all. Was that good? I was trying to shock you with transitioning to Riddles.
Adal
I'm still recovering from transitioning into Riddles so quickly I'm reeling.
Erin
It's like a cold plunge of Riddles. I'm just trying to shock the system.
JPC
And I mean, I know that I brought it up and there was no, you know, implication that other people would, but I thought that at least the two of you would mention how you have dog shit haircuts right now.
Erin
No, we look normal and good. We are doing great.
JPC
That's really helping. I mean, I don't want to be rude, but... I dyed my hair black after my hair being red for a couple of years.
00:13:30
Erin
And a lot of people are like, kind of miss the red hair. People are very bold in telling me that they miss my old hair color. That's my big hair update, Adal. Anything to say?
Adal
Uh, love you too.
Erin
Oh, great. All right. So these come from Danny. Sorry, I'm talking to my testicles. Oh, nice. I've been a huge fan for the past three years since I discovered the pod. I know how much y'all like wordplay, so I made some puzzles for you. The rules of the game are that it's four consecutive names that create three different celebrity names back to back. An example would be Anna Kendrick Lamar Odom. Anna Kendrick, Kendrick Lamar, Lamar Odom.
JPC
Okay, so that's Anna Nicole Smith.
Erin
I'll give clues to people and you have to guess the name. Are you ready?
Adal
Very cool. Yeah, I like this.
Erin
A rocket man and a cinema cowboy get impersonated on whose line is it anyway?
Adal
What was it? Elton John Wayne Brady.
Erin
Great job.
00:14:31
JPC
Elton John, Wayne Knight, Knight Styles. The Dark Knight, right?
Erin
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. My brain. A YouTuber turned boxer says it's a bridge over troubled waters after getting rejected from America's Got Talent.
JPC
This is Logan Paul Simon Pegg.
Erin
Nope. You're so close. You're so close.
Adal
Logan Paul Simon Cowell?
Erin
Cowell? Yeah.
Adal
Wait, Cowell got rejected on American Idol? He did the reject. He does the rejecting. He picked up the Cowell. He's Batman now.
???
Yes.
Erin
This person went from mall cop to a director of Titanic proportions, but there was always something about Mary.
JPC
Paul Blart Cameron.
Erin
Plop, plop, plop, plop.
Adal
Paul Blart, Titanic Fart. What is that guy's name? Kevin James Cameron. What was the last one? Diaz. Diaz.
Erin
You got it. He carelessly whispered, come on and slam. And I replied, nope.
00:15:31
Adal
Lionel Richie.
Erin
Nope.
Adal
I am going to dance again. George Michael. George Michael Jordan. And what was the last clue? Nope. Peel. Peel.
Erin
Bob offered me a burger for $100, but I requested a new deal.
JPC
Okay, that guy, what is his name? H. John Benjamin Franklin.
Erin
And then Franklin's the beginning of the last name.
JPC
H. John Benjamin Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Erin
Oh, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Yeah. Can I say? What's wrong? No, hey, this is one word nothing wrong. The hair looks great.
JPC
This is one word nothing's wrong. I've been watching Bob's Burgers. It's one of those things, we like to put on a lot of the TV for spaghetti because she does not like to hear any noise happening outside and they've been cutting down a tree on our block this week. And so she's very upset about that. And so we've been putting on Bob's Burgers for her. And I'd never seen it. Mariah really liked it. And I'd seen like some episodes of it, but I've been kind of just watching it from the beginning as I come in and out of the room. That's a very funny show.
00:16:43
Adal
Like it's a- It is fantastic.
JPC
It's a very well done show.
Adal
And I have to say it marks the return, I believe, of one of my favorite actors who for a while was faded into obscurity and now plays the mayor of Buffburgers, Kevin Kline.
Erin
I love Kevin Kline.
Adal
Kevin Kline is a national fucking treasure and I feel like for like 10 to 12 years he just kind of after like Orange County I felt like he disappeared. And I'm just back.
JPC
Yeah, but on the whole, the show does. And something that Mariah said, which I think is very cool, she was like, one of the things that she likes about Bob's Burgers is that the family unit, which is central to Bob's Burgers, they all really love each other and they don't really like shit on each other. And if you watch the show, it is very true that the family does like, they like yell at each other or whatever, but they all have this like undercurrent that they like love and care about each other. Not the way I like to run a podcast, but a very fun thing for a college.
00:17:50
Erin
It's really good for your nervous system. If you're going through a breakup or having a hard time, Bob's Burgers is like a perfect binge, I think.
Adal
JPC. JPC, I agree that it's a nice premise to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
JPC
Exactly. The other thing that I mentioned about Bob's Burgers is that I was looking up the voice actors and seeing who was who, because every episode has special guest stars. And there's a character called Jimmy Pesto, who is like Bob's rival from across the street. And I couldn't place the voice that I looked it up. And it's Jay Johnson.
Adal
I can't remember if that's what guys did. Oh, and they recast him or they killed off the character because he was that January 6th.
JPC
He was one of the January 6th guys. He used to be on like Mr. Show and Sarah Silverman program and he was a January 6th guy and then everyone on the show, I don't think he even got arrested, but everyone on the show was like, we don't want to work with him anymore. So they recast that character. I thought that was very funny.
Erin
This slaker had Carolina on his mind while emitting more carbon than any other celebrity.
Adal
So LeBron James Taylor Swift. Wow. LeBron James Taylor Swift. Wow.
00:18:51
Erin
LeBron James Taylor Swift has a career ending scream, and to make himself feel better, he looked up sex gifts. Thank you, Casey. He's awake. Casey's alert. He's awake. He's caffeinated.
Adal
I missed the first chunk of it.
JPC
A red-headed director had his career ended by a scream and to make him feel better, he looked up sex gifts.
Adal
Martin?
JPC
No. This is actually like a perfect... Yeah, it's a perfect encapsulation of Hey Riddle Riddle more. Ron Howard Dean... We talked about this on the show in the Patreon episode where I was going back and pulling old tweets that you guys had done, and this was an old tweet that was not one of you. That was an actor for Breaking Bad. And that is Mr. Dean Norris. Dean Norris? Dean Norris tweeted out famously sex gifs one time as he was trying to show his existence. That's outstanding. Yes. He kind of looks like Michael Chiklis. And they're both like bald cops. Bops, if you will. Bops.
00:19:58
Erin
I hope these weren't too easy or too obscure. You're the best. So thank you, Danny, for those. I really enjoyed those.
Adal
Those, a million more of those please. Would it be more so?
JPC
Danny, I will always take any opportunity to remember that Dean Norris tweeted out sex gifts. Thank you so much for your service.
Erin
All right. So similar, like a similar part of your brain, I think you'll be using for these.
Adal
Oh, sorry, Erin. This is embarrassing. Similarion.
Erin
Slam. Slam's your shot. I'm not coming out until you guys agree to be nice to me. I'm serious.
Adal
I'm serious. Erin, we love you.
JPC
And I didn't do anything and I didn't even get the reference because I'm not a fucking nerd.
Erin
Okay, so these are from Taylor.
JPC
Hi Taylor.
Erin
Thank you for writing these, Taylor. I call these bantonyms. Each clue contains antonyms that, when said out loud in reverse order, correspond to the name of a popular musician or musical group. Here are a couple easy ones as examples. Tail video would be Radiohead.
00:21:16
JPC
Oh, radio head. So it's also it's it's it's like reversed.
Adal
It's like a crisscross. Salt girl.
JPC
Spice girls. Yeah.
Adal
Hold on.
Erin
In the 90s I loved the salt girls. And Cat Living turns into.
JPC
Dog dead, dead dog. Dead mouse. What? The opposite of cat is dog. It's got to be dog. It can't be the opposite.
Erin
Most of these are from the 90s because I'm uncultured and basic. I hope you enjoy. Are you ready?
JPC
Opposite of cat is mouse? Before we start, Adal, what would be a better opposite of mouse? I mean, you can go vole, but that's pretty obscure.
Adal
I want to say dead mouse. The opposite of mouse to me would be his rat. No, that's two. They're in the same genus.
JPC
Yeah, the opposite of mouse is actually pretty hard. Oh, that is pretty hard. Owl? Oh, owl's a good one. Owl eat mouse?
00:22:17
Adal
Owl or hawk would be very good. Uh, the opposite of cheese?
JPC
Yeah, I guess it's really hard to, I guess we were gonna have to define our opposites at this point.
Erin
The core feeds your answer on, uh, when you decided. Do you have like 10 minutes?
Adal
I have my final answer. Yes. I have my final answer.
Erin
Say we the jury.
Adal
I'd like to apologize. We the jury would like to apologize to Taylor. Your answer is perfect.
JPC
Wow. Cowards. Cowards escaped. Actually, you know what? Fuck that. I want to see a scene. Adal, we're going to see a scene. You are going to be playing the new superhero, Opposite Mouse. And there's a bank robbery. Erin and I are people caught up in this bank robbery, innocent bystanders. And Opposite Mouse just showed up and saved the day. And Erin, we are struggling to describe what Opposite Mouse is.
Adal
Great. Let me get you two out of this building. Ha ha! Another job well done by Opposite Mouse. Oh, sorry, my catchphrase is ohm because the OM is on my chest. Well, chest, abdomen, thorax, whatever you want to call it. Sure.
00:23:22
JPC
Anyway, thank you.
Adal
Well, before you go, would you like to leave a review? I'd like to have the people I save rescue. I'd like to have them leave a review and be as descriptive as possible about the moment I came in to save you. So let's start with what you saw when I entered the building to help you out.
JPC
I mean, you were great. I don't know if, can I say that up front? Is that we all, we both thought, right? That's cosine.
Erin
We thought you were so good.
Adal
That is fantastic. More specifics would be great. Sure.
Erin
Pardon my wings here.
JPC
But he brushed the back of his coat, so I do think that those are just like, I think it's like tuxedo wings, I believe.
Erin
No, my name is Opposite Mouse.
JPC
Opposite Mouse, and you're good, right? Because you stopped obviously the bank robbers who were honestly victims of circumstance, if we really think about it.
Erin
Opposite Mouse, I think you would really love our friend who we want to set you up with. How would you describe yourself?
00:24:27
JPC
Oh my god, yes. You would be so perfect for a friend who we'll tell you about later.
Erin
Yeah, we'll tell you about that friend later. Yes.
Adal
I would describe my face as non-mousey. I would describe my appetite as lactose intolerant. I would say no tail. I'd say never get caught in a trap. I'd say I live in the opposite of a hole in the wall.
JPC
So, here's the thing. Opposite Mouse, I feel like we know exactly who you aren't. Sure. But our friend, who is very attractive and successful, I think would be a very good match for you, is really more interested in who you are. Who is Opposite Mouse?
Adal
Yes, who I am. I am resistant to poison. I am... Okay. I am friends with cats. I am not dirty at all.
Erin
Interesting. Well, we're waiting to run.
Adal
I am never fed to snakes.
Erin
So we're gonna go to brunch.
JPC
If we leave now, we're never going to be able to set him up with our friend. Oh, I'm getting it now. I'm getting it now. I'm so sorry. I actually, I actually, I was thinking about Caitlin. I had Caitlin in mind.
00:25:35
Erin
Oh my God. He would love Caitlin.
Adal
Yeah, they'd be perfect. Oh, call her and describe me. Call her and describe me physically. Okay. Oh, did you stub your toe? She did, yes. Hold on, I'm sorry, I need to listen to this a little bit longer.
JPC
This is actually Caitlin's voice mail. She's so funny, but this is, yeah, this is her, it'll beep in a second, but there's a little more.
Erin
Hello? Hi, how are you?
JPC
She gets me every time with this.
Erin
Just kidding, I'm not at the phone. Just remember, I love being set up. I'm Caitlin. Beep. Just kidding.
JPC
Yeah, so we think you'd be perfect for Caitlin because you're both fucking ugly.
Erin
That was a fake beep.
JPC
Goddammit, Caitlin.
Erin
Scene. Alright, let's do these. I was a bat. Oh, thank you, Adal. We're so sorry. Could have just been Batman. Night Veteran.
00:26:46
JPC
I forgot what we're doing.
Adal
And these are... What are we doing?
Erin
Day... Come on, you guys! Please!
Adal
Night Veteran. Dr. Day. Night Veteran. Dr. Dre. Day Hippie.
JPC
What would it be if it was Dr. Dre?
Adal
Night Veteran? What's the option? Day Coward.
Erin
Um, think of like, uh, someone who, like a veteran, not necessarily like a military veteran, but someone who's maybe like, I'm a veteran of, uh, day rookie, day novice, day, you're in it, you're, but it's a member, the words are switched too.
JPC
New day, new beginner day.
Erin
It's a pretty famous band and this is a way of saying that you're like very inexperienced. Green Day. Fall Out Boy. It's Fall Out Boy. How would you be Fall Out Boy for this game? Girl in
00:27:52
Adal
Oh, uh, Spring?
Erin
Spring and Girl. Oh, Girl, Spring. Yeah, Girl and Spring. Girl and Spring.
JPC
Fall Out Boy.
Erin
I like just looked down at the list being like, oh my god, is that one of these?
JPC
For more Fall Out Boy content, check out Bill Budd's pod. Boo! The sophomore album of Fall Out Boy this month.
Erin
Oh, for more content, check out sitcom D&D over in the head gum network.
JPC
How does that apply, though? For more content, open up a fucking web browser, type in anything. There's some content for your eyes. Hit the news tab and go fucking wild.
Erin
We're all scrambling to plug our side project.
Adal
I had a very one-to-one to plug this on.
???
Me too! Me I did too!
Adal
Speaking of opposite mouse, Chunt the Badger is practically an opposite mouse. He can be featured on the podcast. I love it.
JPC
I'm happy with it. I love it.
Erin
Land ambiguous.
Adal
What's the opposite of land? Sea. Flight.
00:29:00
Erin
Yeah, but it's another way of saying sea.
Adal
Water. Lake. Water.
Erin
So that's the second word. Water. And specific. No, no, no, it's not water. You got it, but... Sea. Ocean. Another way of saying sea. Ocean, yep.
JPC
Okay. Spray.
Erin
No.
JPC
Frank Ocean. Frank Ocean.
Erin
Rather Untangled, Sister Hazel, Sister Knots.
JPC
Yeah, it's got to be Twisted Sister. Hell fucking yeah.
Erin
Solid blast.
JPC
I want to see a scene. We'll be seeing a quick scene here. So, Erin, you are trying to set me up with Adal, and Adal is your Twisted Sister.
Erin
Hey, it's so nice to hang out with you outside of the office. Thank you for trusting me. No, of course.
Adal
It's great to be here.
Erin
Whoa, whoa, sorry.
Adal
It's always nice to hang with family.
00:30:02
Erin
I'm sorry, who is this? Who is this?
JPC
I'm Jeff. I work with Chris at the office.
Erin
Oh, sorry. This is my sister, Claire. Claire, I told you to wait 10 minutes before coming to the table.
Adal
I got nervous. Also, I just was so curious.
Erin
Yeah, you came out of nowhere though. That was kind of scary, huh Claire?
Adal
Did you come from under the table, Claire? I came from through the wall. Now scientists say that if you throw a ball at a wall enough times, eventually the particles will line up to where they phase through it. Are you a scientist? I am not. The scientist is my favorite Coldplay song. I hit the wall pretty hard the first few hundred times, but the last time I made it through I might be the first human to do so. Hopefully that makes me appealing.
JPC
Uh, yeah, I don't necessarily know. I was not under the impression that this was a setup. I thought it was just me and Chris were just going to have some, you know, after drinks, after a drink, after a drink. Your eyes are enthralling.
00:31:06
Adal
Oh, they might have changed when I phased through the wall.
JPC
They're bleeding? They're bloodshot red.
Erin
Claire, are your clothes inside out? You're bleeding and your clothes are inside out and your eyes are closed.
Adal
They must be. Yeah, listen, again, I can't stress enough. I don't think anyone's ever done this before. And again, scientists say a ball like a baseball, so I don't think they're ready for you.
Erin
You said that already. You said that already. Did I? I'm Claire. Claire, so I don't know if we're ready for this today. Do I work with you? No, you're my sister. Okay, so today was not the day to set you up with Claire. I'm so sorry.
Adal
I think I left part of myself in the wall. Can you go get it?
Erin
You know what? Buy anything you want. It's on me.
JPC
I'm gonna take care of Claire. Chris, I'm married. I feel like I was pretty clear with that. You don't act married. Well, my wife works with us. Ginny, you know Ginny. Yeah, Ginny?
Erin
Ginny's your wife? No way. Ginny's awesome.
JPC
Yeah, I know. That's why, I mean, she's here. She's here right now.
00:32:07
Adal
Oh. Can someone call a bambulance? What's it called? Bambulance?
JPC
Yeah, I call a bambulance. I didn't even see you sitting there. You're with this guy? No, it's okay. I did, I called an ambulance. I called an ambulance almost immediately. Yeah, Ginny's great. She calls the ambulances.
Erin
We're gonna go. Solid black.
Adal
White mist. White noise. White stripes.
Erin
You got it. Melted chocolate.
Adal
Solid white chocolate.
Erin
Frozen vegetables. Frozen vegetables. Remember the words are also reversed. Melted chocolate.
Adal
Melted chocolate.
JPC
So it'd be something solid. The opposite of chocolate.
Adal
Is solid the correct answer? Ice. Vanilla ice.
JPC
Melted vanilla ice.
Erin
Fall on.
JPC
Fall on. Offspring. Offspring. Wow.
Adal
Wait, hold on, hold on.
JPC
Is that offspring? That's, you did it. That's actually, that actually is really good. I think if we played the intro to Pretty Fly for a white guy. That's pretty close.
00:33:13
Erin
Give it to me baby.
Adal
I think you got it. They have some good songs. Yeah.
Erin
Fully charged indignation.
JPC
What happens when your phone's not fully charged? Uh, something dead. Oh, grateful dead.
Erin
Mommy pass.
JPC
Fart daddy. Oh, Mariah gave me a mommy pass. Play daddy. Play daddy?
Erin
Mommy pass.
JPC
It's pass or play? The opposite of pass is play. That mommy pass is my favorite Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis movie.
Erin
Play daddy.
00:34:14
JPC
Uh, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play, daddy play,
Erin
Yeah.
JPC
Puff Daddy.
Erin
Butthole Repair.
Adal
This is my favorite one. Oh, Erin, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Erin
Yeah, I mean it's incurable.
Adal
Butthole Repair. What's the opposite of butthole? Mouth? Smash Mouth.
JPC
Smash Mouth. I would love to see a quick scene. This is going to be, Erin and Adal, you both work at a butthole repair shop and you're just like manning the phones, taking incoming calls. But again, it's been a pretty slow day.
Erin
Thank you for calling Donny and Donny Butthole Repair. How can we help you?
JPC
Yeah, your website says nine to five. Is that your hours?
00:35:15
Erin
Yeah, but to be honest with you, we sort of fuck off at 4 p.m. every day because we're tired of looking at buttholes, right Donny?
JPC
That's right. Understandable. Okay, thank you so much.
Adal
Oh. Oh. Donny and Donny's butthole repair. How can I help you?
JPC
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I call a butthole repair store?
Adal
Oh, do you got a bone to pick with me?
JPC
No, I was... Do you guys do kitchen sinks?
Adal
Well, we do everything but. That's our motto actually, everything but. We can put a stent in your asshole if it's prolapsed.
JPC
No, my cousin's got a kitchen sink stuck in his asshole. I guess I'll call somewhere else. Thank you.
Erin
Hold on, hold on.
Adal
Ah, damn it.
Erin
Hello Donny and Donny butthole repair. How can I help you today?
JPC
Just a mailman just delivering your mail.
Erin
Wait, what do we got, mailman?
JPC
Don't go through it. Open the mail and read aloud.
Erin
Re-open the mail and read it aloud, Mr. Mailman.
JPC
This one is from the IRS. It says that you owe $14,000.
00:36:18
Erin
Don't read our mail.
Adal
Internal rectal system? Rectum system?
JPC
I don't think so. Anyway, here's the mail. I'll just leave it here. Thank you.
Adal
Ah, look at him walk away. He needs work done. Donny and Donny butthole repair. How can I help you?
JPC
Yes, I would like to schedule a butthole repair.
Adal
Oh perfect. How is today in five minutes for you?
JPC
I'm sorry. I live out of state. I don't know that I can do. I don't know that I can do today. What state? I guess I'm in a state of denial right now that my butthole needs repairing.
Adal
Yeah, of course.
JPC
So I guess I need to be talked into it.
Adal
Of course. Well, there's a few things we could do. We can put a stent in. We can also fill it up with plaster of Paris. Now that will prevent any leakage, that will prevent any discomfort. And then you can kind of take the what we would call a butt plug in or out depending on if you're at the movies or if you're home in the bath. Sure. Those are the only two options you can use the plug for.
00:37:18
JPC
Okay. Should I describe the extent of the problem or those are just two blank solutions that will work for any problem.
Adal
Tell them to come in. We need you to come in. And I do ask, if you don't mind, not to describe it. I do get a little queasy around butthole talk.
JPC
Sure.
Erin
I was just in, I'm the mailman. Read that mail.
JPC
Did you read our mailman?
Erin
Air, air, like air to the throne, washed fresh.
Adal
Air washed fresh? So that would be dirty. Dirty, what's the opposite of a dirty peasant? Dirty Prince. Dirty John.
JPC
He just goes by Prince.
Erin
Someone who is not going to be the heir and maybe was had out of your marriage.
JPC
A dirty bastard, old dirty bastard.
Erin
Thank you Taylor for those. And on that note, let's go on a break.
JPC
No.
Erin
Why? We were on a break. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?
00:38:36
Adal
I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.
JPC
And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.
Erin
Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.
JPC
Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it
Erin
People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.
00:39:48
Adal
You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.
JPC
Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.
Erin
Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.
JPC
Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run.
Erin
Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.
Adal
Is that DaVinci?
Erin
Yeah. Yes. And bye.
00:40:49
???
Hey Riddle.
Adal
Hey Erin. Hey JPC. Notice anything different?
JPC
Let me turn around for you. No. Oh, you've got that Professor Quirrell thing where you have a face on the back of your head.
Adal
Getting warmer. Okay, what is different about you? Let me bend over and pick up my keys I dropped. Oh, you got a bad butt haircut. Uh-huh. Well, I got my butthole repaired and they trimmed it while I was down there.
JPC
That's cool. When my dog had dental work, I had them trim her nails as well. Kind of like an all-in-one. Erin Jealous?
Erin
Uh, yeah. Erin, look at this.
Adal
Look at this. So JPC, if I had been down in front of you and opened my mouth, you can see Erin.
JPC
Whoa. Yeah. And it's kind of like a kaleidoscope where she's all kinds of different colors. That's very cool. That shouldn't be a thing. I can see that. I can see that without looking through you too. So that might just be like an eye thing that I've got going on.
00:41:59
Adal
Did you know that's what the Beatles song I'm looking through you is about? Damn dude, I didn't know that. It's about Ringo getting his butthole repaired and they could see right through him from the asshole to the mouth.
JPC
When I woke up today, I told God I was determined not to learn a thing. And here I am, not seven and a half years later, and I've just learned something.
Adal
And God is what you call Mariah? Yes.
Erin
Did you guys see something in my eye?
Adal
No.
JPC
Yeah, Erin, you got a bunch of fucking pretty in there.
Erin
What's going on?
Adal
I see the oceans.
Erin
That was completely useless. They are useless.
JPC
We're not a mirror.
Erin
Why not? Just do what I do.
JPC
I think, Erin, if we can't see what's in your eye, that's a problem with your webcam and not us. I think I see an iris.
Erin
Great. I think I might have gotten in though. I think I blinked whatever is out. All right. Well, bye.
JPC
No wait, Erin. Wait, what?
Erin
Oh, sorry. We still have to go? Okay. Yeah, we still have to go. These are from Graham. Thank you, Graham. Graham? You made a joke this past Wednesday's episode, this was a while ago, about Billy Joel lyric riddles and then said, somebody will do that now. I'm that somebody.
00:43:14
JPC
Wow.
Erin
I hope you know the lyrics to these songs pretty well because otherwise you won't get the answers.
JPC
Graham, I remember making this joke and I don't know Billy Joel's songs very well. I know him once I hear him.
Erin
I think you might be able to get these as my hunch. How come the uptown girl has never tried multigrain toast?
Adal
Because she's been living in her white bread world. Wow.
Erin
Pretty good. When Sergeant O'Leary gets his new car, he will find five Cathy comics inside. Why?
Adal
Because he's driving a cattle...
Erin
Yeah, how are you happy?
JPC
Which is Kathy's famous phrase. Because Sergeant O'Leary is walking the beat, which... Sergeant O'Leary is walking the beat.
Erin
Adal, are you happy or do you feel nothing? I am thrilled.
Adal
This whole episode, all the riddles are just right in my wheelhouse. That's true.
Erin
It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man sitting next to me. Oh wait, he's being expelled from the bar. Why?
00:44:23
JPC
Cuz he took his damn dirty penis out and he waved it around the damn bar. Put away your penis man.
Adal
Nobody wants to see that. Cuz we've all seen a pair of balls and dick. No one is impressed by that.
JPC
I don't know, this old man who's nursing his whiskey and rye, I know that, right? Or something like that?
Erin
Adal, do you know it?
Adal
Can I hear it one more time?
Erin
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man sitting next to me. Oh wait, he's being, now he's being expelled from the bar. Why?
Adal
Is it something with gin? Uh, drinking his tonic gin.
JPC
Tonic. He's being toxic.
Erin
For making love to his tonic and gin.
JPC
She was making love to his tonic and gin.
Adal
Wow Billy Joel is like a musical Bob Dylan.
Erin
I would like to see a scene. Adal you have just discovered that GPC your husband is having an affair and you're slowly putting the pieces together that it's with a cocktail.
00:45:26
Adal
Frank can I talk to you?
JPC
Uh, yeah, I mean, it's pretty late. I was just going to hop in the shower and then head to bed. But yeah, what did you need to talk about? I just can't wait till tomorrow?
Adal
No, it can't. The last few nights you've hopped in the shower after being at work late.
JPC
I like to do night showers now. I think I'm getting into night showers. I'm going to be a night shower guy.
Adal
Yeah, you texted me time for another hours. And one, I hate that. And two, I think there's something going on. Every time you come home, you have a stain on the front of your shirt.
JPC
Okay. Well, that's because I do not know how to clean this shirt. So I feel like I am washing it, but whatever I'm doing is not getting the stain out. And honestly, glad you brought it up. Would love to talk to you about that tomorrow because I am pretty beat.
Adal
What's that on your breath?
JPC
Okay. Is that whiskey? Here's the thing. There was a free distillery tour happening at work today. What's his name? What's that?
Adal
What's his name?
00:46:28
JPC
Jim. His name is Jim. Jim Bean? His name is Jim Bean. Yeah, I am. I don't know. I mean, yes. I'm having a midlife thing. I'm not gonna call it a crisis because it doesn't feel bad. And I met someone at work who happens to be a bottle of whiskey and we are hitting it off. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. It does not mean anything for our relationship.
Adal
Every day for the last five years I've walked in on you masturbating furiously.
???
To John Ham... Hey baby, you ready to go for a ride?
JPC
I'm sorry, that's Jim. No, I really want to hear what I was masturbating to because it's on the tip of my tongue like I remember this happening, but use it every day.
Adal
I was going to say all the solo Don Draper scenes at Mad Men when he's just in his office pouring himself a drink. First of all...
JPC
Try to watch anything with John Ham in it and not want to jack off a little bit, okay? The guy's a good-looking man. I was watching a progressive commercial the other day and I said, hell, I might have to freaking beat some of my stuff.
00:47:38
Adal
Invite a man. I want to meet him. I want to see the man who's fucking my husband.
JPC
Okay, Jim, hey Jim. Jim, can you turn off the car? Could you come inside? Where are his arms?
Erin
Okay. Oh, shoot. Sorry.
Adal
I mean, I'm the... Right on the label.
Erin
On the label. I'm the mailman, I mean.
JPC
No, Jim, it's okay. Read the mail. It's okay. Read the mail. It's okay. We're caught. They know all about the affair. It's time to come clean.
Adal
You look watered down to me.
JPC
Wow. Let's not make this personal. Let's say things that we regret.
Adal
You want to fight? How much more do you have in you, huh? 5 ounces? This isn't going to last.
Erin
You could do a lot with 5 ounces. You could do a lot with 5 ounces.
Adal
That's sad. It's sad.
Erin
You're sad.
JPC
I am sad.
Erin
You know what? I don't need this.
JPC
I don't need this. No, Jim, please stay, okay? Look, Jim loves me and I have proof. Well, Jim has proof. I want to say... How much proof?
00:48:43
Adal
Are you two going to a mixer? Are you taking him to a mixer right now? Look, Gem and I are going to meet up with Jack.
Erin
And slam. So that was in the drink book in the D section of Adam's Pond. Anything else you'd like to say?
Adal
And was the whiskey on Coke?
Erin
Oh, you have a few more. Do you want me to reopen the book?
Adal
Oh, can you... Sorry, can you open up this snake book? Sorry, the book's still open.
Erin
Yeah, here's the snake one.
Adal
What did the snake say as a sarcastic response? Anaconda.
JPC
Okay. Kind of a pun and more. I don't know.
Adal
Can we give it to him?
Erin
Okay. Okay. Long time listener, first time caller, more like emailer. Uh, I can't white text on my phone. Sorry. I'm doing a lot of space bars to separate answers. Note. Oh, space bars.
Adal
I love Mel Brooks.
Erin
It can be, this is technically, they said maybe a warm up riddle, but I think that's okay. Um, it can be under, it can be over, but it can never be by itself. Where is it?
00:49:50
JPC
Where?
Erin
No.
JPC
We're under, we're over, we're by itself.
Erin
Hey, Adal, grow up. Not everything's about underwear, Adal. Grow up.
Adal
What about Captain Underpants?
JPC
That's about everywhere exclusively.
Adal
What about when powdered toast man squats down to the fly and he gives a little poot? What is this?
Erin
It can be over. It can't be under, it can't be over, but it can never be by itself. What is it?
Adal
It can be under, it can be over, but it can't be on itself.
Erin
By itself.
Adal
By itself.
JPC
By itself. B-U-Y?
Adal
Under? Of course not. Of course not.
Erin
Of course not. Of course not. That would be insane.
JPC
That would be insane. Question withdrawn.
Adal
The over-under makes me think of betting like a spread on a game. Does that have anything to do with betting? No. It can be over, it can be under.
JPC
I thought that Adal was maybe close that it might be like a word play of like a word that goes with both over and under but doesn't go with itself. Like, I don't know what that word would be. Overcooked, undercooked, cooked itself.
00:50:54
Erin
You're getting close.
Adal
Over, easy, under easy.
Erin
Also, your audio's cut out for a second, so you may have gotten it.
JPC
Down, under, over, down, over, down itself.
Adal
It can't be on its own.
Erin
Socks. It's like something that can be connected to those two words, but isn't a word on its own.
Adal
I see. Over estimate. Does the word come before, after, over, and under?
Erin
Is it like a 101? I'm sorry Erin, are we boring you? It's after.
Adal
Easy. Over educate. Over done. These are all words that exist. Over bored. Over what? Over examiners.
JPC
Hey, first of all, I think it's going to be easier, Adal. We get there backwards. We start thinking of some words that don't exist. How about this? Framp. Can we get a fucking hint? What's a fucking hint for this, Erin? Come on.
00:51:54
Erin
I'm feeling very blank by your response. You were answering really, really quickly. I would feel blanked, over blanked with your response.
Adal
No, that's too much.
JPC
Wellmed? Wellmed. Yeah. Well, being wellmed is nothing.
Erin
Did you like my acting back there?
JPC
I was acting overwhelmed. I did, Erin. Erin, I really liked your acting.
Adal
Did you like my acting back there as exactly... Go ahead. Did you like my acting back there as exactly what Jim Carrey said on the set of Ace Ventura Pet Detective when he did his famous butthole talking?
JPC
Did you like my acting back there as a set up for Adal to say underwear? Underwear.
Erin
You can overwhelm, you can underwhelm, but you can never just wump. And those are from Emmanuel Grant. Thank you, Emmanuel. That rules. I love that one. That's a great riddle, I think.
JPC
That's a very good riddle.
Erin
Sorry.
JPC
Emmanuel, I know that you intended that to be a warm-up riddle, but I gotta say, pretty good cool-down riddle as well. I now feel like I can move from the riddle pool to the riddle hot tub, and then it'll be fine temperature-wise.
00:53:03
Erin
Amen. Uh, so can we do, I don't know, this is gonna sound so stupid and so weird and so dumb. Two voicemails? Yeah. Oh my god, you knew! Underwear!
???
What if hypothetically this podcast got a new answering machine? What if hypothetically you thought of some nice things to say?
???
And then... Just leave a message after the beep for Adal, Erin, and JBC. So just leave a message after the beep of 1-805-Riddle-1.
JPC
Thank you again, birdie, that number 1-805-Riddle-1. If you have a voicemail theme, send it to us. Hrrpodcast.gmail.com. You might get it featured on the show. I can't wait for these voicemails.
???
Hey guys, I have a recurring dream where I'm driving around the eastern part of Washington DC and killing time before I have to get to Reagan for a flight. Usually I stop for Chinese food and sometimes I check out a used bookstore. Is that a riddle? What do you think that means? Thank you.
00:54:23
JPC
Oh boy.
Adal
Well, in the famous words of Reagan, let me start by saying, well, I don't think so.
Erin
I think that you're craving freedom and peace or you're beaming to your another life that you are living only at night and then someone gets murdered. It's you from your other life and you have to solve your own murder. Sorry, I need to get my big typewriter out and start writing this screenplay. Ignore me.
Adal
Wow, it's like the piano from Big, but a typewriter. It really is a big typewriter.
Erin
Yeah, I have to use my legs.
Adal
She's calling over an old man and they're typing together.
JPC
Yeah, I guess I would say maybe fly out of Dulles. I know it's like, you know, it's like 40 minutes further away, but it's maybe you gotta, you avoid the dream basically.
Adal
I always call it Dulei.
JPC
Ooh, yeah, Dulei Hills Airport.
Adal
Capital Hill. Okay, Chinese food. What comes to mind with Chinese food? Fortune cookie. Famous American invention. Can I say? Yes.
00:55:28
JPC
I got Chinese food while I was in Washington DC and I ate my fortune cookie and there was no fortune in it. I think it was the first time that's ever happened to me in my life where I did not find a fortune cookie. Thanks for watching!
Erin
I would like if people you know how everyone's always like don't describe your dreams to people they don't care I care yeah please call in and describe your dreams to us we should do a weird one
JPC
Hey Erin, I gotta say we did an episode like maybe two episodes ago where we talked about dreams a lot and a ton of people called to tell us about their dreams and I deleted all of those messages.
Erin
No, no, no. Call back. You can do that. Call back and rerecord it.
JPC
Wait, didn't this guy say he had a dream?
Adal
Yeah, this person did say that they had a drink. But one got through. So, what else? Chinese food. A bookstore. A bookstore. What else is in a bookstore? A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. A bookstore. Fortunato. Fortunato, famously from... I want to say something. Where's Fortunato from?
00:56:52
JPC
Cigar Aficionado.
Adal
Cigar Aficionado. Arnold Schwarzenegger cut his thumb off. Yes. Thumbalina. Mm-hmm. Balinese. Musilinese. Yes. Trains on time. Yes. How to train your dragon on time. Mm-hmm. Dragon... He's doing it!
???
He's doing it.
Adal
Ryan Stan, adult videos.
JPC
Adult videos. Wow. So it sounds like maybe what you want is you want porn. Yeah. It's like a shortcut. I will say no, that is not a riddle. Thank you for your question.
Erin
Your honor. Okay, great.
???
Next voice mail. Hi McElroy brothers. My question, I need a little advice. My partner and I just moved into a new place and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to keep motivated when trying to unpack. Thank you very much Justin, Travis, and Griffin. I look forward to hearing your advice.
00:57:56
???
Thank you.
Erin
Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. They called the wrong podcast.
Adal
Wow.
JPC
I actually think that their phone number is 1-805-Riddle-2. So I believe that it is just a honest mistake.
Adal
Yeah. And if anything, I'm a Clint.
JPC
Me too. I'm a Clint Howard though.
Adal
Ice cream. Make it a game.
Erin
Whoever unpacks the most boxes gets to decide what takeout you order.
Adal
That's good. I like that. I would say unpack each other's stuff and get rid of the stuff that you don't think that person should have anymore.
JPC
Yeah, I like that. I think that you throwing away your partner's stuff that's at least going to lead to a fun conversation. Which is what I like to call a big fight. Yeah, I would say if you want to make like unpacking fun, there has to be stakes. So here's what I'll say.
00:58:56
Erin
You have to buy stakes.
JPC
I will execute a hostage every 30 minutes. It's actually, it's actually Air Force One. It's Gary Oldman. So anyway, I'll execute a hostage every 30 minutes until the entire house is unpacked. Let's see, we are recording this on blah blah blah. And so, good luck to you because these hostages... They need to go.
Erin
I missed a doctor's appointment today! Aw, man!
Adal
And also check out Taz, Manian Devil, Loomingtoons, Jackets.
Erin
Adal, you haven't fully unpacked from moving into your house a couple years ago. What's something that would motivate you? I'm so sorry, what am I doing?
Adal
What would motivate me? Maybe moving into a different house?
Erin
Yes, move again. Yeah, okay.
JPC
Uh-huh, yeah. Take it yet.
Erin
Are you like an unpack right away? Well, when you guys get home from vacation, what happens to your suitcase? Does it sit there for a couple days? Like, what's going on?
01:00:03
JPC
I don't bring a suitcase. I only take what I could eat.
Adal
And I shove my suitcase in the corner, buy a new suitcase for my next trip, and start to fill that up for the voyage.
Erin
You really solved the mystery of why your backpack was made of Twizzlers when I saw you.
JPC
I am a big as soon as I get home unpack and put everything back in its same place and then do a load of laundry with all of my dirty clothes. I'm a big getting it all out of the way immediately.
Adal
Hmm. Must be nice.
JPC
Nope. I can't say it is.
Adal
Whereas I get home from a trip, I dump all my stuff on the floor. Six months go by and I go, I should really get to that. Another six months go by and I say, did I not do this already? Another three months go by and Gemma says, hey, those clothes have been on the floor for a year and a half. Can you do something about it? And I yell at her and say, we're getting divorced. Three more months go by and I say, Gemma, please take me back. And she goes, if you clean off the floor and I refuse to do it. So Gemma and I are divorced and, uh, Whoa, whoa, so much happened.
01:01:08
JPC
Yeah, is that why you wore dirty clothes to your divorce party?
Erin
That's why I call it the dirty D. Beyond dreams, can I make another voicemail request?
JPC
Absolutely.
Erin
You're calling and asking us for advice. I would love just once if someone called in and gave just pretty standard good advice. Like what hot tip trick life hack do you have? Call in with the advice that you love to give people. Is there a certain way you get cheap plane tickets? Is there a certain way you motivate yourself? I want some sort of life hack. I want to learn from you. I don't know shit, you guys. I'm a mess. I need your help.
JPC
Keep them around 30 seconds.
Adal
Always buy plane tickets on a Tuesday night, never buy them on a Friday.
JPC
Here's my thing, always buy plane tickets last minute because that's when you're gonna get the very best prices and they're gonna be very nice too.
01:02:09
Erin
Well, Adal, anything to plug?
Adal
What is that supposed to mean?
Erin
I'm so sorry sir.
JPC
Anything to plug? He just got his butt plugged.
Erin
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Adal
Are you making fun of my butthole repair?
Erin
No, it's so good, it looks good.
Adal
Thank you. I would like to recommend Donnie and Donnie's butthole repair shop. What was the phrase that was? Anything but? Yeah, I think it was anything but. I think that was the joke I made.
Erin
Anything but the kitchen sink.
Adal
Thank you. Erin, anything you would like to plug?
Erin
I would like to plug sitcom D&D. You can find it anywhere you find podcasts. GPC, can you, I don't know, this is going to sound crazy. Just like give up your plug time to read a five star review from our show.
JPC
I don't even want the fucking plug time, but I will say that if you want to listen to part two of Erin's Camp Solveaway, you can go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and listen to that this Friday. Here is a review from Fire Vex. Fire Vex says, Hey awesome, awesome, more like it. My name is Ryan. I've been listening to Hey Riddle Riddle since the beginning. I'm a Patreon subscriber too, which means that Ryan will be able to listen to part two of Camp Solveaway. I've driven across the country during the pandemic, re-listening to a lot of the show, and it helped me keep me in high spirits. I even want to try improv. Everything you guys put out makes my day that much better now that that's out of the way. I do have a podcast of my own called, This Is How We Feel. It's a movie podcast with four hosts where every week we take a piece of media, usually movies, break it down and tell you how we feel. You can find us at rustyninjastudios.com, Spotify and Apple podcasts as well. This is how we feel. I hope you guys see this one. I hope you guys read this one on the show. I heart monkey bones. It's Little Monkey Bones that is the last time I get tricked into reading a plug for someone else's podcast. So, congratulations.
01:03:59
???
I think it's going to be the last time he gets tricked. I think that you should all go for it.
JPC
Terrible idea.
???
Al, anything you want to whisper to our listeners?
Adal
Oh, sorry. Well, here's something I'll say to you, BC. Maybe if they're doing a movie podcast, maybe they're saying that they love the 1990s Chris Catan, Brendan Fraser vehicle monkey bone?
JPC
I think they probably just pluralized it, but what they wanted to say was, Frasier's back, baby, and now is the time to go rewatch monkey mode.
Adal
Is Brendan Frasier doing a Frasier reboot? Yes.
Erin
He smiles. Love that. Take all my money. Take all my money.
Adal
Tossed mummy and something. Scrambled eggs.
JPC
Well, actually, that Frasier reboot, not only do they have Brendan Frasier attached, it's actually pretty big casting news that, Erin, I think that you wanted to share on the podcast. It's okay, please. Bye forever.
???
Oh no.
01:05:22
Adal
Sorry, my snake's not home. He went to the shed? Okay, what? To the shed? The aquarium? No.
JPC
Hey there, cool campers and know-it-all little siblings. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's part two, the thrilling conclusion of our Patreon stretch goal, Camp Solveaway. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!
???
That was a hate gun podcast.