Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. All right, all right, all right. Locker inspection, locker inspection. Everybody, line up next to your lockers. Random locker inspection.

You should skip mine.

Okay, Erin, you get one pass. Erin's used your pass, everyone. Write it down.

Well, hold on, wait. Erin clearly turned herself into a locker. This is the one day she clearly, come on.

Okay, Mr. calls out- It's gonna be me again. Mr. calls out every female student at the school. Go ahead and open your locker up, Adal.

Okay, forgot the combination. Hits it with my elbow like the guy from Happy Days and The Fox. And my locker's playing music.

What's happening? Let's see what we have in here. Riddles. Puzzles. Now Mr. Rifai, you wouldn't be planning on doing a podcast on school grounds now, would you?

No, sir. Those are books that I hide my pornography in. Yeah, pornography.

Okay, well, I won't check because I don't want to see pornography right now, but I'll do it later on my time. That's how I like to enjoy it.

Mr. GPC, I have a good authority that he does plan on doing a podcast on school grounds.

What are you doing? Now, Ms. Keif, would that be because you happen to have some inside knowledge? Are you planning on doing a podcast on school grounds? You should skip me today.

Principal Coan, if we were doing a podcast, would you want to co-host?

Call me Johnny, call me JPC. Principal Coan's a little for him. It's a trap. I'm young! I'm like the same age as everybody, right? I can still hang. I can still hang.

Yeah, speaking of, stop hang gliding down the halls.

Okay, let's do this. Tell me how cool I am. You just tell me where to stop. Stop.

You're cooler. Stop.

Yeah, I move my hand really fast, so it always seems like I'm cooler. Actually, yeah, are you kids inviting me to do your podcast? I'd love to do a podcast.

Yeah, I mean, if that's what it's going to take to not get in trouble.

Huh. So I can use my power over you, students, to be on your podcasts? Uh, yeah, I think I'm going to like high school.

This is a good message to send. Hi, Maren Keif.

I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC. Oh, and welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, the show where we hate doing that in front of our guests.

I hate it so much.

A podcast we were bullied into making in high school by our principal.

That is so true.

That's our story and we're sticking to it.

We do have a guest today and we are very lucky to have her from the podcast, Too Scary Didn't Watch, Emily Gonzalez. Emily, welcome to the show.

Hello, thank you so much. I know the feeling of being in a vulnerable place with someone you know very well while someone you don't know very well listens. And you watch them listen and you go, I don't know what they think about this. So, you know, I'm right there with you.

Now, Emily, not to put you on blast, but I think I have to. Just moments ago, I learned something about you that devastated me and will give me chills and nightmares. You're a fan of something you created called Cheddar Suites. Will you please tell our listeners what Cheddar Suites are?

And Emily, if you thought that there was a chance that you would get on this whole podcast and go through this podcast without talking about Cheddar Suites, you were wrong. You were just dead wrong.

Okay, yeah, fair, honestly fair. And I'm not embarrassed by Cheddar Suites. I will tell. What is this gonna be? If you thought that I was gonna shy away from an opportunity to talk about my new favorite snack, yeah, so we call it Cheddar Suites, and anyone could do it. It's very simple.

It's a dance.

Yeah, it's 100% sounding like a dance.

You put your feet in the middle and you pant like a dog. You step back far and you ride a hog.

Now you do the cheddar sweets. It's a kettle corn popcorners chips, a kettle corn flavor of popcorners chips. You may have been exposed to popcorner chips on a JetBlue flight. And you just throw some shredded cheddar. It's cold on top of those chips.

Loose shredded cheddar.

Yeah, and that's how you tear sweets.

Erin, would you eat that?

I would. Do you have to get the chips from JetBlue or can you buy them?

You have to store them from every flight. No, I think that's just most people's entry point to popcorners. At least it was for me.

Got it.

They're available at most grocery stores.

At 3,000 feet, their flavor unlocks, if you will.

Adal, I would just like to point out this glass houses moment. You've eaten some of the grossest combinations of things in the history of food eating.

One time I put foie gras on a thin mint. It was five times.

And one time you put a cold snicker in the middle of a popcorn bowl because you were a bad listener.

It was a Snickers ice cream bar. And I smashed it into some popcorn.

In Adal's defense, I was at his house the other day, and he served me a snack that was cream cheese and guava mixed together, and it was delicious.

That's a thing! A guava cheese pastry, which those are spectacular.

Yeah, I think it's a Puerto Rican dish, but you buy the guava paste that you find in supermarkets, like the block of guava paste.

Oh, I only know them from Spirit Air Flights.

Careful. The witness will watch himself as the wife is a spirit flight attendant.

I'll do a little light plug for you, Erin. If you haven't been to Cafe Tropical, they do have a great guava cheese pastry. I'm ready to get down right now. If you want to try this guava cheese pastry.

Emily, we're not only here to talk to you about your bespoke homemade snacks at the table, we're also curious about what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems. As a kid, as an adult, what do you think, what do you got?

Um, you know, I don't, I don't engage too much and it is, it's fear based. Um, I think the idea of like, so I'm a youngest of two, I just have an older sister and, and I think in probably literally every sibling dynamic there's like, You're the this one and you're the this one, you know? So my whole thing was always like, I have always thought my sister was smarter than me because she enjoys things like puzzles and like she has more of a logical brain than I do. So I was like, well, those aren't for me. That's for my sister. And like the fear of being like not as good at them. So I got a little bit of fear around riddles and puzzles.

There is a weird thing of like, and we all have siblings here, I know just to relate to what you said, I know there's a lot of stuff that my sister is very good at that I stay away from purely because I'm like, I'm like, oh, that's Sadia's lane. So it is weird to be like, we can both enjoy or do that thing, but it is a weird mentality to be like, that is Sadia's thing, so I need to carve out my own path. It's very weird.

Yeah. I feel like maybe, I don't know if this is the case for the rest of you, but like for me, I think because it's just the two of us, like there, you know, so it does sort of feel like we're like, we had to be counter to each other a little bit and there's plenty of things we both do and enjoy. We have a lot in common, but there were some things are like, well that you've declared that as yours and therefore it is not mine.

Yeah. Yes. You've planted your flag, your sibling flag.

Let me ask you this though, Emily. How is your, how is your sister, your older sister at improvising?

She's terrible. She would probably be pretty good at it. She has not pursued the rich ritual of improv comedy, but I'm sure she would be great at it. But it's mine. It's all yours. She can keep the riddles, the improv is all yours.

But she gets Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Oh yeah.

What we'll do is we have some riddles, and I tried to gear the episode today. We usually try to do some warm-up riddles into the more difficult riddles, but then we quickly abandon that when we're like 200 episodes in and we're just like, as there are any riddles left, whatever we have.

Are people, like, making new riddles? Like, do people create new riddles? They would, right? Luckily, thank God.

We have some lovely, lovely listeners who will create bespoke, like, handcrafted riddles and then email them into the show. That's fun. And that is, for the most part, that is what we have today. I think that we've sourced these from some pretty interesting places, actually.

We've probably dropped 20, 30K on riddles from Etsy.

No, we haven't. I wish.

Erin, please, what are you doing? Ever rich. Ever since you became a walker.

Wow, so there are people on Etsy who make riddles to sell?

I wish.

I bet somebody does. Someone must. We would start buying them if people started selling them. People will submit them. Hey, listeners, I'm going to get in on that. Oh no.

You could be really occupying a niche.

We did have a couple people who had written riddle books that reached out to the show. One person sent us their riddle books and I was like, can we please just pay you for these? And they were like, no, please like use them on the show. And I was like, okay, well, so yeah, we're begging. We're begging to get people money for these riddles.

Our listeners are dangerously kind.

That's what they say about fan culture. It's so good.

Yeah. We're blessed. The fans are just too nice. Could someone please be critical of us on Reddit? Come on. What are you doing? So here we go. This is a riddle. This is from Emily. She, her, and Emily does give us permission to name me. Oh, it says, yes, you may name me. So this riddle is from Rocket. Rocket Sheher says, long time listener for some riddle submission. Here are some riddles featured in the McDonald's promotional straight to VHS special, The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald Scared Silly. They're from a kids program, but only you can decide if they're warm up riddle material.

Okay, Emily, you could definitely count that as a horror movie. That should be it.

Yeah, that just feels like it's probably really upsetting content.

Dead Stop. You're telling me from the 80s, 90s, when is this from?

I did not look it up and Rocket did not include it. Now my guess is that it's it's got to be from a while ago because I don't believe that they use Ronald McDonald in any promotion anymore. He has been relegated to like the McDonald House.

He's in the 10th game of Hell, famously. He's for sure in Hell.

His makeup is melted.

If Wishbone Madog is in heaven then Ronald McDonald is in Hell and that's our scale.

So Ronald McDonald's scared stupid? Is that what it was? What was it called?

The wacky adventures of Ronald McDonald scared silly.

Scared silly.

That's an earnest title. It's an earnest ripoff. But Ronald McDonald, there is some riddles in here, and Rocket did pour them out for us. Here we go. Here's Rocket's first riddle. What is it that the more you take away from it, the bigger it gets? This is the more you take away from it, the bigger it gets. And Emily, the way that these riddles work is there are lots of answers, but there is one specific answer that Ronald McDonald wants us to guess.

Okay, yeah, the Ronald approved response. I think you take away from it.

Should I say? Yeah, I'd love for you to say.

I think it might be a hole.

So a hole is an answer to this Riddle, but it is not the one that Ronald McDonald is looking for.

Hey JPC, fuck you.

I think I know the answer as well.

Oh, Adal?

Is it delicious Golden McDonald's french fries? Because the more you eat, the more your family is like, I should've got fries too, and they go up and order it.

Oh, if this is branded, I'll be so furious. It's absolutely branded.

Yeah, it's absolutely branded. It is, it is not. Let's go branded. It is not the delicious Golden Arch's french fries, but that is very, very, very close and maybe even kind of like part of the answer, but it's not, it's not the full answer.

Wait, okay, sweet. The question is, the more you take away,

The bigger it gets.

The bigger it gets. Your happiness from a happy meal.

Is it like fucking value at McDonald's? We're just doing promotional content for McDonald's.

The more you eat of that happy meal, the happier you get. Adal and Emily, you are two kids in the backseat of your car begging your dad, JPC, for a happy meal and you're using whatever tactics you can to try to get it.

Hey Dad.

Please, please, please, please.

Hey Dad, please, please, please, please, please.

Okay, okay. I will, I will hear the request. What? What? But keep in mind, it is Friday. I hate my life. I have worked all week. I do not, I get no respect.

You hate your whole life?

I hate every part of my life, Claire. I hate every part of it. Except the time that I get to spend with you two on the weekends. So what is it that your dad can do?

Hey Dadadat, Zach here. It would behoove us if you could fill our little tummies with the delicious edible contents of the... Claire, give me that dictionary again.

How to talk like an adult. Take over, take over. Yes Claire. Tis me Claire. Our bellies would be so delightly. Perchance. Perchance. Overwhelmed.

Unequivocally.

Unequivocally.

I appreciate you talking to me with such respect.

Claire, Claire, it's not working. We have to command authority.

Dad, get in our office. Shut the door.

Hey, leave your problems at the door.

Zork, I'm driving. Stop trying to climb into the front seat. And, by the way, stop trying to change your name. Okay? It's not Zach. Your mother and I, God rest our soul in heaven, named you Zork after my father. Please respect the name.

Fine. Sorry. Listen, Dad. You're fired. You're fired unless you give me McDonald's and I'll piss in the back of your Taurus. This little Taurus will be full of piss.

Okay, that's the way we want to play it. We will get McDonald's. I'll go back to the place that I spend 40 hours working every week. I'll go back to my boss, Nick, who is 19 years old, and I will beg him for some McDonald's. You'll see your dad gravel in front of a 19-year-old. Gravel, gravel, gravel. That's what the hamburgler says. Gravel, gravel. He does it. What?

What does he say?

I don't know, Zork, okay?

The hamburgler doesn't come into play when I'm at work. Do you know Grimace? Do you work with Grimace?

Hey, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get you?

Hey Nick, it's me.

Hey, you're fired. What? You're fired. You're just a kid. Well, well, well, if it isn't the loser and his two weirdo kids.

One weirdo kid.

Get on your knees and beg.

Dad, don't get out of the driver's seat. No, I have to.

I have to grovel at the drive-thru. Nick, please. My kids are hungry.

How does this feel? I'm a sophomore in college. How does this feel?

You're 19 and you're a sophomore in college?

Yeah, that's right. I'm starting sophomore year. That's right.

Is that right? Okay. I think that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Starting sophomore year.

Yeah.

Wow. 19 is young for a sophomore. God, I hate thinking about that.

Wow. One day I'm going to grow up and form a band called Alien Ant Farm and write a song all about this experience. I think.

Nick, please, just, my family's hungry, I just need, can I please get a couple happy meals for my one weird kid and my one very normal kid?

I'm gonna give you one filet-o-fish that's been returned.

Nick.

You can return a filet-o-fish?

You have to, actually. Nick, please, I'm begging you, okay?

Do you have filet-o-way? Can we put that on filet-o-way?

This kid sucks. I'll feed everyone else, but not this kid.

He's the regular one!

No! Wait, what?

Yeah, sorry Claire. So yeah, I mean you guys are circling it. You're very close.

Is it a value meal?

It's not a specific item.

Okay. It's just the food at McDonald's. It's not the food. The people, the happy, the joy, the community. It's that little box, the clear box with the change in it that has, it's like for his little clown foundation or whatever.

For the sick clowns? That's the Ronald McDonald's house. I think it's like homeless for the poor. No, it's for sick clowns. Erin, I think you said, did you say the building?

Yeah, but I don't really keep track of what I say.

The answer is a restaurant.

The more you take away from it, the bigger it gets. So the more revenue I think that the restaurant makes.

This is a revenue-based riddle?

That is wild to be like, let's make a riddle about McDonald's economics.

Let's make a riddle about how much money these motherfuckers are getting.

It's the overhead, children. I think it's important for kids to understand that the restaurant business is hard and McDonald's is trying to make a profit here. Okay, here's the next one. What is it that you can feel outside, hear inside, and only see when it's full of dust?

Riddle McDonald.

You can feel it outside.

Yes, hear it inside and only see when it's full of dust.

When? Oh, yes, it is the wind.

Emily, swing for the pencils.

Wow, maybe Riddles are my thing.

Suck on it, Emily's sister.

Let's get her on the phone. Wow.

Actually, yeah, Riddles are my thing. I'm at work at the hospital right now. Could you please not?

They're mine.

Okay, Emily, you are on the board, which is a concept that doesn't exist on this show.

No, JPC, she's awfully bored.

Yes, that's true.

Here's the third of Rocket's Riddles. What costs nothing but is worth everything weighs nothing but lasts a lifetime that one person can't own but two people can share.

Fucking smiles and kisses.

A kiss. A hug. A love. Love, yeah, love.

Emily, you almost said it. I feel like you were about to say it. You said... I couldn't possibly tell you.

I thought you started to say a word. It's not our business the things we've said.

It's absolutely out of my mouth and into the universe.

Get out of my mouth and into my car.

Friendship?

What did I say? It is friendship. You said love, but yes, it is friendship. She's gonna say french fries.

French fries? Happy meal.

I'm sorry. It is French fries. I've just read that. It is French fries.

I do want to see a scene. Okay. Erin and Emily, you are two best friends. You've been friends for a lifetime and something has come between the two of you.

I feel like we should, I feel like we need to talk about it. Okay. I just, I mean, I don't know. I'm just embarrassed. Well, it was really embarrassing. I'm sorry. You know, it's like, it was really, it was really embarrassing. And, and I think the best way to keep it from happening again is to let you feel a little bit of shame about it.

I know. And just really appreciate you not like Getting law enforcement involved or blowing this out of proportion. Like I stole your identity and I like ruined her life, but like that's just friend stuff.

Yeah, no. No, it you did. Yeah, you stole my you stole my identity and you told people that you weren't me. Uh-huh. And you you.

Can I just say I because I don't want to be clear about this. I don't care either way. I just want to know who am I married to?

Well, this is a complicated question. That's the question.

And by the way, like I said, I am so pleased with either result.

Well, see, that's what I don't like. See, actually, that's as upsetting to me. And this is what's embarrassing. I'll be honest. This is what's embarrassing. And honestly, I think we should all be ashamed because I can't believe I married somebody. Who had already married somebody else, with my same name, thinking it was me. None of us realized it. We've been sharing two sides of the same home.

In his defense.

The wig looks a lot like your hair, like so much so.

It's a perfect wig. It's a perfect wig. It really scared me the other day.

I thought I was looking in the mirror, but... Can I be honest with you? The wig tricked the hell out of me. I feel like I've been tricked by the wig. That's why I'm not mad at either one of you. I'm mad at the wig manufacturer.

Okay, you shouldn't be the one who... You had to at least... Okay, no, I'm sorry. I never got a point to pick with you, which is you knew you'd already been married. How did you have a second wedding without... Even if you thought it was the same person, why didn't that come up?

I loved the first one. We had so effing much. I loved it by the time of my life. And then when you, which I guess was Sharon in the wig, when you came to me and said, let's do this whole thing again, I was overjoyed and I stole the guest list.

Yeah, I'm also mad at all of our friends. It feels like I'm being Truman showed and nobody told me, but I guess when it comes down to is I'm mad at myself.

You're just take this as a compliment. I wanted to be you. Huh? I wanted all your money and I wanted your fiance. Wait, what? What?

And we zoom out to the moon and Ed Harris is sitting there watching it all.

He's such a pervert. You gotta get him out of the moon. So gross.

Get that pervert off the moon. Those were from Rocket Rocket, thank you so much, and enjoy your new name, and I guess that's your fault for giving me permission to name you. These next riddles, I believe they don't give me permission to use their name, so I'm just gonna say that these riddles are from CB. CB says, hello riddlers, some background on these riddles. And God, I love it when they provide some background. Back in the early 2000s, there was a fan site for the Mario video game franchise called Limmy's Land. And it had an expansive fanfiction section where all of the preteens would type out their dream stories. Thank you Adal. The following riddles come from an ancient fanfiction that I read in my elementary school days called Four Hammers by Mario Fanatic XV and they did provide the link to read the fanfic. Please give credit to Adam who wrote that story. So thank you Adam.

The premise is that Mario and Waluigi are trying to recover relics and must solve four riddles in an ancient pyramid.

Three of them are good for starter puzzles, and you may have the answer to them already, but there's one that's sure to scratch your noodle. So we have four riddles from an early 2000s Mario fanfic website that said 1,000.

Scratch your noodle. I don't think that means what they think it means.

Oh no, if you're scratching your noodle that much, you do want to talk to a doctor. Or buy a cream. Here we go. Here's your first one. I have a nose and yet no head. I have two wings, heavy as lead. Despite my wings, feathers I lack. Although no legs, I have a tail in the back. Put together, Put it together and I can fly. Can you tell me, what am I?

Well.

A whale? It's the best place to get chips.

A blue whale? I think it's where you can get some popcorners.

This is a popcorners direct tie-in, yes. The answer, of course, is an airplane. Wings heavy as lead, I feel like. That can't be anything else but an airplane.

Although that might be what sunk Icarus. Those heavy ass wings.

Yeah, those waxed wings weighed so much. Okay, here we go. The valuable I am, that you know. Try to scratch me, you'll fail to do so. So it could be a noodle. Rare it is for one to find me. What am I? Can you see? Is it a diamond? It is a diamond, yes.

When do all of the Mario characters start kissing in these riddles?

Can you read the next one as Wario, please?

I don't know that if a 12-year-old is writing fanfic, is there going to be kissing in there? I feel like that strikes me as more like a... I think it would be exclusively kissing.

Okay, okay. At 12, I think like... God, the idea of kissing at 12.

Yeah, that's true.

You're obsessed with it.

Oh, you're all you're thinking about.

I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you are two friends in grade school. You're both around 12 years old. You're writing some fanfic that involves kissing and you both have never kissed. You're not sure how it goes, but you're trying your damnedest to make it sound realistic in this fanfiction.

Okay, type quieter. My parents are going to hear.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, you know, your dad is a gamer and he has this mechanical keyboard. It's so loud. Okay.

Their kiss was as dry as the desert.

Oh, we just want to jump. We just want to jump right into like describing the kiss.

Unless you don't want to. It's fine.

Hold on. I got mine. Let's see. That's more like a B-plot. I guess we can move that up into the A-block if we really want to.

Plot? Let's talk about kissing quickly.

Okay. No, I want to. I just don't want to hmm. I just don't want to betray, you know, the story because I feel like the story needs to be told and it needs to come from me and from us, from us. We're quiet down in there. I hope you kids are saving the cat.

Yeah.

That's my other dad who's a screenwriter. It's so tough. I mean, their love is pure, but they couldn't have less in common. Why does he want the kiss? You know, that's what I think we're really missing here is the why. Why? Why does he want the kiss?

I don't care why. Tell them to kiss and hug. Quickly.

That's right. So he doesn't, because he's got nothing left to lose. He's got absolutely nothing left to lose.

Hey, let me, sorry, let me just reach over you again. They rub on each other's bodies. This is the best story I've ever, ever read or written. Okay, they rub on each other's bodies. So, so good.

They rub on each other's bodies. That's gonna make the Pokemon jealous, don't you think?

Mmm, good.

Okay, um, okay, well... What's up, little losers?

You're writing your stupid book again?

Get out of here!

No, dad, we're not.

We're just gaming, I swear. Scene.

Coming to ABC this fall, Bully Dad. Give me your lunch money. That's the money you gave me.

Alright, we have two more, so we'll get into these.

So I am confused. So these were in an actual Nintendo game, or is this on a message board?

You're confused if this fan fiction was part of an actual Nintendo game?

Well, you said something about lemmings, or... I thought... I thought it was based on some game or something. I misunderstood. Continue please.

It was a fansite for the Mario video game franchise called Lemmy's Land. So it's a fansite.

So the fansite was called, I thought the Mario thing was called Lemmy's Land and I was like, what game was Lemmy's Land?

I misunderstood. We have such a painful misunderstanding of what fanfiction is. Every time I talk, my wife was really into fanfiction and every time I talk about fanfiction on the podcast she goes, no, you don't know, you weren't there, you don't know what's happening. Which is true, I don't. Here we go.

I came across Harry Potter fanfiction, I think I've told the story before, when I was in seventh grade and I thought it was the unreleased next book. Oh my god. And so I used every piece of paper that was available in the house and printed out all 800 copies of it. And then I started reading it and it was so sexual so I hid it in my closet and my older sisters found it.

Crab fucks goyo?

Yeah, it was bad, bad, bad. It was so embarrassing.

That's hilarious. That is so funny. It would be even funnier if the book came out and it was just that. Like you had the advanced copy. She just got like a super sexual way with it.

I wish.

She's like, hey, the kids are 18 now. Anything goes.

The room of requirement.

Here we go. And I'll read this one as, let's do, I'll read this one as Wario. Who am I? I am that invisible to your eye. Except when the moon blocks the rest of me from the sky, to look at me at any time. A bad idea it would be? You ask me, who am I? You tell me!

I forgot to listen. I got no meaning from that.

It has to be the sun. Adal got it, it's the sun. I apologize. I speak, uh, War-il-weeze.

Yeah, War-il-weeze. Yeah, that is the sun. Okay, here's the very last one. This one I think is, um, this one might be the noodle scratcher.

Okay.

Take a number and add a letter for my name to be complete. Take this new letter, count the times it appears in defeat. Use the letter that matches that number to savor. Add a dark fruit that begins with the letter for flavor. Put me in the oven. Don't let me fry. Put me in your mouth. Tell me, what am I?

Potato.

Dark fruit that starts with F?

Oh, this is a really scary one. This is the scariest riddle I've heard in a while. You gotta reread it. Yeah, let's just go back through it.

A freak? I just love it. I'd be like, potato, next.

Let it be potato. Obviously. I didn't listen to a single clue fully and I was like, I'll just swing for the fences.

We'll break it down. We'll break it down line by line and we'll be able to discuss. So here we go. Take a number. And it's a specific number.

One.

And add a letter for my name to be complete.

Add a number to one, yeah, G to one is gone.

Okay, so you're thinking along the right path, but it's not one. So, but keep that in mind. So take a number, add a letter to my name to be complete. Take this new letter, count the times it appears in defeat.

So if it's ten, we add a T, that's tent.

You're operating under the assumption that it is one. Take this new letter, count the times it appears in defeat.

It's gonna appear once in defeat. Well here's the thing, we could add a letter- Unless it's E. Unless it's E and then it'll appear twice.

Unlimited numbers we could add a letter to. Yes, correct.

Do I need to know what the, if I just say, okay fine, it's E and it's twice, do I need to know what the word is that got me there? Or can I forget about that?

You can, I mean you do need to know, but I think, let's just move on and assume that you got it correct when you said E. So it is E. Okay, so twice. Yes. Use the letter that matches that number to safer.

Wait, split? What the fuck? Use the letter

Oh wait, we gotta be kind, we gotta be kind.

Exactly, Erin, exactly.

Add a dark fruit that begins with the letter for flavor. Berry. Yes, yes, exactly. The letter for flavor. And you got berry. So it's a dark fruit that begins with that letter. F? No, no, it begins with bear, the letter for berry, I guess. The letter for berry?

A dark fruit.

It's B. It's a dark fruit that begins with a B. Blackberry. Blueberry. Okay, put me in the oven, don't let me fry. Now put me in your mouth, tell me what am I?

A ruined blackberry?

So, it's Blackberry and Erin it's Pi. Pi is the number. So the number is the number Pi. You add the E and it's Pi and then the rest gets you Blackberry Pi. And that is the answer to that riddle.

Wow, what a good riddle. No, Erin is a 12 year old. This would be kind. I am. Rewind and be kind.

Look, honesty is kindness. That riddle sucks.

Yeah, we're preparing you for the real world. This kid's 47 though.

Yeah, this kid's... Yeah, fuck God.

This kid's fine.

This kid's massively grown. We're going to see a quick scene. Erin, the three of us are judges at a pie making competition, and you are a child who entered into an adult pie making competition, and we're all eating the pie that you made and trying to be nice about it.

Wow, what was your name again?

Before you say anything, I am an orphan.

Oh, and my name is Dirt. Your name is Dirt.

Did the orphanage give you that name? Did your parents give you that name? Do you know? My parents and your parents, they both agreed on it.

Well, let's start with some positives. I'll go first. Dirt, I really loved that instead of a crust, it was just aluminum foil because I really felt it in my filling. Looks at you. Oh, you have consumption? Yeah.

Yeah. I see you have a little bloody handkerchief there. I'll go next. Dirt. The presentation, 10 out of 10. I love the lighting of the pie. I love all of the choices that you made with plating it. I love the choice to just hold it in your hand in front of us.

What's that? The family that I thought was finally going to adopt me changed their mind. Wait, sorry, Mr. Judge, sir. What were you saying?

Dirt, may I cut in for just a moment? Dirt, you know that this is a county fair, so the winner of this gets nothing but a smile on their face, and it seems as if you're really trying to... I'll just come out and say guilt us into loving your pie, and I just don't know that that needs to happen. You know, you did a good job. You subm- Yes, yes.

I do just about anything to have a smile on my face. Oh God, I worked right into that.

Just to piggyback off Cheryl, um, yeah, you did basically just take- Ow, ow! Sorry Cheryl, sorry. Ow! I will piggyback, I'm sorry. You know I just had back surgery. Sorry, I said sorry.

Well, it's starting to rain.

I guess I'll just take my pie and go. Well, we're under a tent. You don't have to back into the rain. Just stay under the tent.

Yeah, and technically you wouldn't take your pie because what you presented was a pie tin with popcorners and loose cold cheddar on it wrapped in aluminum foil and that pie does not mix.

Which I will say you shall promise in the flavor department. No. Maybe let's just work. No. I like the flavor department. Really inventive and interesting.

Actually, I was disgusted looking at it, but as soon as I bit into it, I gotta say, equally as disgusting.

It's gross. All of us can agree that the one area that dirt really excelled was surf wafers.

And if dirt could just say something, it's pretty incredible that I added a different spin on nachos. We thought nachos were just going to be nachos. And then look, I created a different kind.

I would hesitate to call this a spin. This is more like a four degree rotation. It's more just like a... It's like a tumble out of bed. Yeah.

You know what? That's okay everybody. I'm used to not winning.

You're a good company. Would it behoove you to walk in the rain so that could wash off some of the dirt?

Richard, are you making a little bed in the corner in the dirt? Yes. Time for me to turn in. Richard!

Did you just set that caterpillar like an alarm clock? I did. It's a living! I love you. Good night.

We love you too, dirt. Judges meeting. Judges meeting.

Judges meeting.

Hey, do you guys want to go to DJF? I hear they have a special for loaded potatoes.

I'm not going anywhere with you, Ed. It's fucked up that you jumped on my back a day after my back surgery.

It was funny. It was pretty funny. Seriously, they do have half-haps if we make it there by five.

Okay, I could make it by five. I could have, I can say for just apps. Okay. Should we invite, should we invite dirt? What?

Should we invite dirt? Oh, here, let me, uh, uh, let me get you in the rain.

Get away from the candle! Get away from the candle!

Let's see. Dirt. Well, dirt, we're going to take a quick break. Dirt, did you have a message for the listeners while we go to commercial break?

Oh, that's it. That's it.

Just a little cough.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run.

Run.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Okay, and unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on who you ask, Dirt has passed away, so Dirt will not be joining us for the rest of the podcast. Yeah, okay, that's one reaction. Not the only reaction, so if you didn't have that reaction, don't feel bad.

I applauded.

If I'm being honest, I just said it because I felt like I had to say something, so I just made that noise. I feel like that noise gets you out of a lot of awkward conversations.

Absolutely. So here we go, we've got another riddle. This next riddle comes from Evan Herr. Evan does say that I can use their name on the show.

Wake me up, wake me up inside. That's Evan Herr, right?

Yes, Evan Herr. I would, it's as high clicker, I would be honored if you use this riddle on your podcast. I did not think this up, I don't remember the source though, and here it goes. So those were in quotes, and I do appreciate people writing in sarcastic emails to us as well. Here we go. A med school student is taking an exam. The proctor hands the student a bone and says, identify this, and then tell me how many of this specific bone you have. The student responds, this is a femur, I have five. How can this be possibly correct? Kid was having a femur dream. Yes, Adal, the kid was having a femur dream.

Which is when you drink bad water, you have a femur dream.

He has a trophy and just go.

He has a bag full of five femurs.

This boy is a murderer, a femur collector. No, it is not someone who has a bag of femurs.

So the student identifies it as a femur and then the student says to the proctor, you have five of these in your body? No. Specifically him or that's like the royal body.

The, okay, I'll read it in. A med school student is taking an exam. The proctor hands the student a bone and says, identify this and tell me how many of this specific bone you have. The student responds, this is a femur. I have five. How can this possibly be correct? I have five. Yes. This is a, I don't know. This is a, this one is going to take some brain work.

Oh, the student was a femur smuggler.

Yes. A mule, a femur mule.

Eating femurs.

Yeah, you can get maybe 15 grand per femur that you smuggle across the border. And if it's a Canadian femur, that's 20 grand.

He's wrong and he failed the test.

That's fantastic. The kid was dumb. Now, Emily, you are in school, correct? Yes, femur school. That should give you an edge here because I'm imagining this is like a very common experience that you're in femur school. They hand you a femur. They say this is a test.

Then I go, yeah, that's a femur.

What are you studying? Did you say I missed it?

I am studying merchandise product development, which is like fashion design and merchandising. Oh, cool. Very few, very few femurs so far. But not zero. So that is not zero.

Okay. Let me see. Is there, is there, I don't really have any hints that I can give.

This is a femur. The proctor gives him a- Five total femur.

How could it be true? It is true. The student is not telling a lie. The student does have five femurs.

Is it that the student, do they have like a shattered femur that shattered in five pieces?

No, I would say that all of the femurs are intact femurs.

All the lonely femurs? Like a skeleton that he studies on.

No, it's nothing that they're like... It's not a skeleton. I got it.

The student was a sextuplet and absorbed five of their... twins is not the right term.

You're not right, but you're closer to being right. You're maybe like on a correct path. I would say the correct path is like a gentle turn and what you did was you jerked the wheel like off the map.

I'm nothing if not a gentle turn. Is it based on something he or she ate? No.

Not based on anything that they consumed. Yeah, they didn't just eat a bunch of fevers right before class. Bone-in lamb? No bone-in lamb was consumed in the making of this riddle.

Can you give us a hint?

Okay, we haven't said, in fact we have said several times that we've been referring to the student as he. The student is not a he.

She's pregnant. She's pregnant. We do the twins. We do the quintuplets. No.

That's not enough. So it's five femurs, she is pregnant, and she's holding a femur.

So she has two. She has two. The baby has two, sorry, the fetus, the fetus has two.

Adal, how many femurs do you think a person has? Two, one in the head and one in the butt.

We, I cannot believe we fell for this, JBC. That's literally the first line of our theme song.

The student was the mother.

The doctor was the mother. We keep forgetting that women can be doctors.

I know, I just, the problem is I never picture women as the main subject of anything. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy, I think, that medical students could be... A med student? Not a woman.

Yeah, right, get real.

A pregnant woman, excuse me, she should be locked in a cave.

Lock her into towers, don't let her study.

Yeah, I guess so. So Evan, you totally fucking bested us. Evan says, I think you're all great. I like your podcast very much. Hey, we can be mean to each other, but you can't be mean to us.

As soon as you can, you can be mean to us. Erin.

Well, I don't know, Adal, I just don't care anymore. You can be mean to children, Riddle writers. Everyone's allowed to be mean.

Everyone's allowed to be mean. Enjoy being mean. You just have to live with it. I want to see a scene. We're going to see a scene. This is going to take place in a college lecture hall. Emily and Erin and Adal, you're all in a college lecture hall. It is a, you're taking a med school exam and it's open notes and Adal, you have a big backpack full of like bones and stuff that you're using as open notes. It's being very disruptive in class.

Oh, sorry, that's my skull. Sorry. Oh, that's one of my phalanges. Give that back, please. Oh, could you kick over that tibula?

I can hand it to here.

Sorry, I'm studying, um, I have to write this paper on Shakespeare.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, we're all t- I'm just trying to think, could you please, could you just- Yeah, no, that's fine.

Again, everyone, as a reminder, it's open notes, but it is a silent test, so please, eyes on your own paper.

Oh, okay.

I'm just gonna ask, I have to ask, I'm so sorry. How did you get these bones?

Um, I, well, I just have to answer, I dug them up.

Okay.

I'm doing a paper on Yorick. You know, alas poor Yorick, I knew him well.

It's where Hamlet- The whole paper is on Yorick?

Yeah. He's one of the unsung heroes of Hamlet. He's just a skull, but he was a whole person. He had hopes and dreams and a job and lovers and nightmares.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You three up there. Excuse me, sir? What are you doing in this class? This is a medical class? You're a man? What are you doing in here?

Oh, well, medical students can be, this is embarrassing for you, medical students can be male.

No, they can be teachers, but they certainly cannot be students. If you're writing a paper for another class, you have to leave.

Professor Matthews, I have a running theory that he's not even enrolled at the school.

Your honor, she said a running theory. This is a medical school. Exercise has no place here, your honor.

Wrong, incorrect, incorrect.

Sustained.

I'm sorry, I know it's really inappropriate, but we're all sort of, you know, we've sort of paused the test. I just need to know your thesis of this paper.

I'm just really... So basically, it's not like a... Excuse me!

If you're gonna do a speech, you come up here to the front of the... You're in front of the class and you do the speech for everyone.

In front of the court. No sweat, king. So, it's not a report, it's a paper. And by paper I mean a giant poster board. And what I'm doing is I've dug up this body and I'm putting the bones, I'm gluing the bones onto this poster board, almost like when you dissect an owl pellet and then you put together like a shrew and you glue it so you see the full skeleton.

Yeah, and can you please put that poster away? It smells.

No, I can't. This is yours. Alas, I knew him well.

Okay, I know the last... Do you know any other lines?

Yeah. Hey, hold on. Hamlet, get in here. Gun, badge on my table, Hamlet. You're off the force.

Professor Matthews.

We cut to this guy's one man performance of Hamlet.

Hey mom, where's my collar that goes with my good tunic?

Honey, you're on stage. You're on stage. Don't ask me for things.

Just keep going with the show. Can you find it? Sorry, everyone. Just a quick break. Back to Denmark. P.U. What is that fucking stench? That's bad. Is that fish? What is going on? Gildan's turn. Rosencrantz. Rosencrantz, come in here.

Carolyn, on the way home. We're stopping by my lawyer's office and I'm writing him out of the well.

Well, my name's Rosie Cranston and I'm here to say I got funky pants in a hell of a way to tell you a beat about hamlet. Hey, everyone get lit. Everybody get lit. Okay, start passing the blunts around. Everyone smoke up, please. This is interactive. It's like sleep no more. It's kind of a fun immersive experience.

Honey, it's just me and your dad here and you know we don't do drugs.

Fuck. I would gladly smoke a blunt right now, honestly, to get out of this.

Can you imagine being in a place so bad you're out of the will?

Actually, out of the will is a great Shakespeare biography.

There are times I did worry that my parents were going to see me in a musical so bad that they would bail on their love for me.

We're supportive, but this is too much.

Erin, we saw you as a backup secretary in Devil Wears Prada the musical, and you're not getting anything.

You're all white middle school should not be doing once in this island, Erin. Find your own way home.

Erin, we just wanted to let you know, we now love you as a daughter and not in the real way that we loved you before. Now it's the way that we have to love you. It's obligatory, obligatory love. Okay, we have one more riddle for today, and it's... I got it. I would say that this one maybe is a doozy. Kevin's and Doozies? It's Kevin's and Doozies. Here we go. This one is from Delaney S. Saul, and you can say my whole name if desired is what Delaney says. So Delaney S. Saul. The cool last name. This is a riddle that you wrote. Delaney says, Love the show. Here's a riddle I wrote. A bell rings. A man screams. Dirty fingernails claw the ground. What happened?

A bell rings, a man sings. A bell rings, a man screams. Oh, it's a Latter-day Saint at the door.

Oh, sure.

Emily, I did choose this one specifically because you do have a horror movie podcast and this is the scariest Riddle I could find on Twitter.

It's terrifying. It's the thriller music video.

I guarantee you, investigating that alley is the wrong way to go with the riddle, but yes.

Dirty fingernails claw the ground. What happened?

I think based on horror films, and a horror film I saw not too long ago was an American werewolf in Paris I think is the name, and what my guess is is that the bell ringing is the clock turning midnight, it's a full moon, and the man's turning into a werewolf? The woman is turning into a werewolf.

The woman is a pregnant werewolf. The woman was the mother of a werewolf.

She's a doctor. A pregnant female werewolf trying to have it all. I want the pilot on my desk on Monday morning.

I can't be a pregnant female werewolf and a lawyer. You have to. Pregnant female lawyer? Am I right? Adal, you are absolutely correct. I love the direction. Oh, incorrect. It is wrong, wrong. Yes. It is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is not a werewolf. It's not a werewolf. A bell rings, a man screams, dirty fingernails claw the ground. What has happened? I do have some hints if you would like to hear some hints.

Does this have anything to do with Quasimoto?

That is such a good question that I would say probably not.

Probably not. Not definitely.

Does that have anything to do with Ernest Hemingway?

Not in a way that would make logical sense. Okay. I would say. You could probably get it there. Here's some hints.

Okay.

Hint one. Was anyone involved dead? No. The answer is no. No one involved in this was dead. Or really even dying I guess. We have another hint. Did this happen in modern times? No it did not. It does not take place in modern times. And was anyone guilty of any type of crime? And the answer again is no.

and it definitely says it definitely says fingernails on the floor because I know in olden days they would wrap a bell around they wrap a string around people they buried and connect it to a bell and that way if they were not really dead they were alive they would ring the bell and people would come running and dig them up and that's where we get the term saved by the bell and the term dead ringer

Oh my god, I love to learn! So, Adal, you are correct.

Okay, Adal, out of nowhere after 200 episodes has a ton of information.

I learned this all from watching American Werewolf in Paris.

It says, the answer here is safety coffins reached their peak of popularity in the 18th century. Thank you. As taphophobia, which is fear of being buried alive, swept the United States, the safety coffins were often equipped with a bell that connected down into the grave that the person could ring from underground in their coffin should they accidentally be buried alive.

That is horrifying.

There hasn't been a single recorded instance of a safety coffin actually rescuing anyone.

Because I think if you were put under the ground, even if you were alive, you're dead now. I don't know how much time you're going to have to ring that bell for people to hear it.

Have you covered anything on your podcast where anyone gets buried alive? Has that been in any horror movies?

I do not believe we have done a buried alive, but we have done The autopsy of Jane Doe has the bell storyline of the corpses have little bells tied to their toes in the like lockers like a crematorium or whatever. And they talked about like, oh yeah, they have little bells on their toes. It's like nobody really uses it, but the idea is that that's how you can tell someone's live. And of course those corpses use those bells. Scary.

Erin, what was our BGs bit we had? Was it half speed BGs?

Oh, 0.5 BGs.

Can we do a 0.5 BGs and do buried alive?

When people sped up that bit when they listened to it, because you know how people listen to podcasts like on double speed, they were like, what?

So they just heard us. I don't get it. I learned this from a ghost tour in... I can't remember what it was. But basically, Saved by the Bell comes from that. And then also I think Dead Ringer was like, if you saw someone who looked like... So say your husband died, and then you saw a man who looked like your husband.

I'm listening.

You'd be like, oh, my husband wasn't really dead. He rang the bell and they dug him up. Therefore he's a dead ringer, which is why you say... My husband wasn't really dead.

He just faked his death to escape with me.

But that's why you call like a doppelganger a dead ringer for you is just from I believe from that term.

My husband wasn't really dead and he never told me.

He just had a second family underground.

I'm starting another family of Columbus. It's six feet under Columbus. It's just in the ground. Thank you. Thank you, Jelenia Saul for submitting that riddle. It was very good. And it was very creepy. Hey, and that's a perfect segue into a very creepy podcast that Adal and I were recently a guest on.

Mm-hmm. Talking about the movie The Dead Zone.

The Dead Zone. I believe that is out now if you go and find it by Emily. Would you like to tell us about the podcast?

I would love to. The podcast, you can find it on Headgum, which is where this lovely podcast is. Also, you can find it anywhere you get your podcasts. It's called Too Scary, didn't watch And we just tell you what happens in scary movies. That's it. There's a bunch of movies to choose from. We do it every week and the whole thing started because I am too scared to watch most scary movies, but I'm deeply curious and desperately don't want to be left out. And the same is true for my co-host Henley and our friend Sammy is brave enough to watch all the things and watch his movies. It tells us what happens in them so we can know without having to watch. And we have really great guests join us and take that on and tell us what happens in scary movies. So that's pretty much the whole deal.

Adal and I had a great time on that show. We watched The Dead Zone and it was certainly something.

Yeah, sometimes they're not so scary, sometimes they're very scary, sometimes they're scary in like a fun way to talk about, sometimes... I really feel so bad for a full calendar day after hearing about it because sometimes hearing about something is way more devastating than watching it, I think. Because of your own imagination. Yeah, you fill it in with your own, and you get to really live in the details where you gotta really think about how it happened. Is that a plug? Is that a promotion for my show?

The Dead Zone was not scary, but it was a goddamn blast to talk about.

It was fucking, yeah, it was really fun. I mean, I just, I get to have a story told to me every week, basically.

It's pretty great. I was too scared to go on the podcast for two reasons. One, too scared to watch a scary movie. Second one, I think I have a unhealthy parasocial relationship with the three of you now that I was like, if I go there, it's going to be a real weird time of me knowing about their skincare routines. And then I'm going to look like a real weirdo.

And Erin, you started a new podcast called Too Scary Didn't Guest.

Yeah, it's just me sort of hiding along myself into that podcast with them. It's like a watch along, but for a podcast and you're just chiming in. I've been refurbishing a table in my backyard and it's a lot of hours and I've been listening to you guys the whole time I do it. So I've been laughing out loud. I know what you did last summer episode, I think is my favorite.

If anyone needs a place to start. Thank you so much. That's a good time.

Erin, if you would like a place to start, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Check out sitcom D&D. I think we're back now for season two. Lots of fun guests. Check that out wherever you find podcasts. It's also a head gum podcast. Adal, anything to plug?

Yeah, I would say if you're not a Patreon of our podcast, I would say join now. We just released an episode on the Patreon where we do a long-form improvised episode set at a Renaissance fair with guest Janet Varney with new music by Arnie Parrott. So I'd say check out Patreon Hey Riddle Riddle, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. I'd also recommend the TV show The Rehearsal, which is very, very funny. And the video game, Erin, that you told me about, It Takes Two, Gemma and I started playing that, and it is fantastic. So, so fun. Oh, good. And then last recommendation, I would say listen to Too Scary Didn't Watch with friend of the show Dan Lippert. That's my favorite episode because they talk about paranormal activity next of kin. Which Dan was the absolute star of and he talks about all sorts of behind-the-scenes stories and the children actors and it is just a delight.

When Dan got that movie, aside from just being so psyched for my good friend, I was like, yes! He crushes it in that movie.

Dude, as always, I'm seating my plug time to read a five-star review. If you'd like to get your review featured on the show, go ahead and head to Apple iTunes, the only place I know where to look for reviews, and submit a five-star review. This one's from Grass Magnets. Grass Magnet says, I started with Uncle Santa. I heard that this show was funny, so I tuned into the most recent episode that had come out. It happened to be the Uncle Santa episode, and I'm pretty sure y'all said in the episode, wow, imagine if this is someone's first episode. And I was like, oh my God, that's me. The show is delightfully chaotic. Though that episode may have been a standout in terms of the chaos, I strongly recommend. So very weird that we called our shot on that, but thank you Grass Magnets for leaving that review. Erin, they said that they started with the Uncle Santa episode. We've done so many iconic episodes, but is there an episode in your mind that really just stands out as one that was just like out of this world?

The sweater. Just kidding. Jupiter.

I'll buy femurs forever.

Hey there, condolences and plumps. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a Hey Relationship Relationship. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you then!