This is a HeadGum podcast. Students, faculty, parents, listeners, and uninvited perverts, it is my honor today to welcome you to Hey Riddle Riddle High School's graduation. As you know, I am Erin Keif, the principal here at Hey Riddle Riddle High School. Four short years ago in July of 2018, you started this journey to become a better riddle solver, improviser, and podcast host. We blinked and now we're here. July of 2022. It's time to celebrate all the work you did over the last four years and look forward to the bright future ahead. In a moment, I will invite our valedictorian, salutatorian, and our class president to make a speech. But for now, I want to talk to you about some of our most treasured memories in the brief history of the class of 2022. We took field trips to Riddle City. We defeated Dr. Chameleon time and time again. We had amazing guests make us laugh. We sang like the Swedish chef, met JP Riddles, and begged Smacks the Frog to not fuck our moms. Our soccer team won the state tournament. We met our soulmate Janet. These four years were not free from challenges and obstacles, though. For many recordings in 2019, we would keep accidentally locking each other out of the studio when someone went to the bathroom. You'd have to hope you brought your phone to the bathroom and say something like, Hey, I'm locked out by accident. Can you come and get me? Or if you didn't have your phone, you had to bang on the door like a maniac. Erin never really knew when it was time to record. This was only made worse when recording became remote during the pandemic. Is the recording at 1 p.m. or 3 p.m., Erin would say. JPC would look at his phone, close his eyes, feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, and patiently text back, the recording's at 3. We're doing a main feed and a Patreon. Adal held answers to Riddle hostage. JPC gave birth to Pretzel Jesus, and Erin had a weird clicking sound on her audio for over a year that drove Casey insane. These dark moments only made the good times seem even sweeter, and adequately prepared every host for the real world. I want to thank the guests of honor today, our listeners. You found us in unusual ways. Some of you typed in riddles into the podcast app, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, thinking that this would be a real riddle podcast. Some of you got forced to listen to us by your weird brother or significant other, silently resenting them for introducing this poison into your life. Some of you heard us mentioned in passing by the podcast My Brother, My Brother and Me, and thought, I guess I'll listen to a Riddle podcast. I trust Justin. Maybe you're here from Dungeons and Daddies. Maybe you're a fan of Cunt the Badger. Maybe this downloaded on your phone on its own, like the U2 album. No matter how you got here, you're here now. And the curse states that you're not allowed to leave us until 2027, when JPC dies after he gets killed by the followers of his own sex cult. Thank you for listening, and let's get started. I'd like to welcome our valedictorian, Adal Rifai, to the podium for a speech.
Thank you, Erin. And just to piggyback on what you're saying about the bathrooms in the old studio, I remember a time where mid-scene, mid-sentence, sometimes even mid-Erin sentence, Erin would bolt upright in her chair as if possessed by Vecna and say, I have to go to the bathroom. No warning. No holding her urine. Just simply bolting out of her chair and running out of the studio. Hello future lizards. Hello all you Kevins and Susies. And hello to all you Sevens and Koozies. We solved it. We really solved it all. Who would have thought we'd be here now? All of you are raising your hands. Huh, fuck me, okay? Four years is something special. It's something unforgettable, but in the end, seems right. I hope you had the time of your life. And as we go on, we remember all the puzzles we had together. As our lives change, come whatever, we will still be hosts forever. And when you get the chance to sit it out or solve, I hope you solve. I hope you solve. Solve like nobody's watching. And trust me on the sunscreen. And now please welcome to the stage your salutator.
Thank you Adal. Most of that was plagiarized. Please find your seat.
And please welcome to the stage now your salutatorian Janet Varney.
Hey, thanks everybody. It feels so good to be here. Like most salutatorians, I feel like I don't really deserve to be here. I didn't know I was gonna be asked to make a speech. Salutatorian is second, you know, best GPA in the class. I feel like, you know, Many would argue that's a weird thing to draw attention to, and it's kind of like drawing attention to the fact that I'm the supposed fourth host of the podcast. Many of you may not want to ever hear me refer to as that again. So from now on, you can think of me as, hey Riddle Riddles, class of 22, salutatorian. I've been so happy to show up, not just as a guest on this podcast, but as a fan. I cannot believe how prevalent Cookie Monster still is in each and every one of these guys' lives. He comes up fucking all the time. I get it. Cookie Monster didn't know how to eat cookies, but you can't use that to get out of every scene. Anyway, to the uninvited perverts in the audience, I just want to say, I don't think it's cool that you got welcomed, even if her principal felt like she wanted to be magnanimous. Please, keep listening to the podcast, but stop being a pervert. Finally, I'd like to dedicate the rest of my speech to three people you may not even have heard of, unless you're lucky enough to be a member of the Patreon audience. Flodorious Plomp, Beverly Condolences, and Felix Misingson, For bringing me six hours of uninterrupted joy that I listened to on a road trip to and from Santa Barbara, I really feel like I understand relationships now. What I don't fucking understand is word avalanches. I gotta go. Peace out.
Thank you, Janet. We'll have someone do a mental health check on you later. Definitely don't have a complex.
You can probably tell by that speech she was actually the salutatorian of her graduating class. Now, let's welcome to the stage.
I just thought of something.
You thought of another thing from your speech?
It's just a funny little joke. Just when Janet said GPA, I was thinking in my head real fast I did the math and GPA could stand for Great Penis Adal.
Well, I'm really happy I'm covering the microphone with my hand. Can you move your hand? No, I won't.
And I want to welcome to the stage, Mr. Popular himself, our class president, JPC.
What's up? From the beer commercials. Look, the administration said I only have three minutes. I'm taking six. No, but seriously, what a fucking year. Oops.
I get two, Mr. Majakamo. I get two. Anyway, we've had a lot of fun, okay? This was a great year, and I would be remiss if I left this stage without shouting out, my boys, the dog pack, here we go, doogie! You know what you did, the hooge, where you at? Bartlett, Gonzo, Bucky Nuckets, Sinkman! Yeah, Sinkman! We all know why you're called Sinkman. Piss in the sink! He's pissing in the sink. Slutty Jeff, Riblo, Picky Kricks, Narco, Pogo Stick, Pogo Stuck, Schmalo, Little Nicky, and of course... Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me! He does a great impression, and of course, my boy, R.I.P., Hanzy Pelosi. Angie Pelosi, I know you're up there in heaven.
I know you're up there in heaven because angels need to fly, man, man, because angels need to fly.
I said I wasn't gonna get emotional. I said I wasn't gonna get emotional. Fuck! I get two, Mr. Majakamo! I get two! I get two, Mr. Majakamo. That's my two! That's my two, and that's my time. Oh wait, no it's not. I also want to shout out some of my favorite teachers. You know you did the work. I'm not easy. I'm not easy. I'm a handful. Uh oh. JPC's in my class. It's gonna be a hard year. You teach yourself the real heroes, okay? You guys do the Lord's work every day, every day, in and out, in and out. You deserve pay raises. Make it happen, Mr. Majuncomo! You can do it! He drives a Bentley. That's a $250,000 car. What's he doing? Teachers are the real heroes. Mrs. Reynolds, I never knew how to pronounce your name. Where does D go? Where does the D go? Mrs. Reynolds, you're the bomb.
At the end, and only the end.
You learned something new. You keep teaching me. Dr. Dracula. I know that you're not a doctor. I know that's not your name. But you had Gushers at lunch my freshman year. And now everybody calls you Dr. Dracula. Keep being you, man. You're great.
I'm 86 years old and that means the world to me.
It's great. Our gym coach, Mr. Trampolina. Mr. Trampolina, sorry for jumping on you. The bus driver. The bus driver, Mr. Yigapopoulos. Mr. Yigapopoulos, you drive a mean bus. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, our executive chef, Chicory Horth. Chicory. You've got to tell me what's in those nuggets, man. They the bob.com never change. Chicken and paprika. Nurse Espiritua, thank you so much. I found that your compassion was never ending. Mr. Pandatonimo. AKA Panda Time. We loved having you in class. And then I got to give it up to Vice Principal Perfeculo. Vice Principal Perfeculo. I know I wasn't easy!
And I would've done no way with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!
I ripped his mask off so many times. And look, all I gotta say... All I gotta say is I've had the time of my life here and I can't wait for the after party at my dad's funeral home. He is out of town for the whole weekend. He's at a big funeral home convention so the party's at- Can we go in the basement? We can go anywhere! We can go anywhere! And you know who can't tell us anything? Mr. Fuckin' Machakamo! I already used my two! Take me away Machakamo! Take me away!
Thank you, JPC. And again, sorry to Hansi Pelosi's parents. We're so sorry for your loss this year. We do have some bad news. Sorry, everyone. During the speeches, it did become clear that no one has become a better Riddle Solver, Improvisor, podcast host, or person in the four years of this podcast. So legally we have to start freshman year over again, starting right now. Don't! No! No! Do not throw your caps up in the air. Stop it. Stop it. No. Don't. Don't. Everyone walk single file back into the podcast studio. Let's start the episode. No celebrating. Did she freeze those caps in mid-air? That was crazy.
Back to the studio. And up it says here, we don't deserve Janet. We blew it. We don't deserve Janet anymore. Maybe in four years we'll earn her as a full time host. I'm beside myself. Adal, get inside. I'm so sorry. One day will deserve you.
That's fine. Can I see where it says that? You just said it says here, but was it clear? Was it in the studio? Was it on this Klondike bar wrapper? It's always on the Klondike bar wrapper.
It's on the inside of it, yeah.
Excuse me. Local pervert here. I would do anything for that.
All right. He stood on a block of light. Hey Erin. Yes Adal. Would you sign my yearbook?
Um, yeah, sure. So nice meeting you, Todd. Hope to see you this summer. Oh, my name is Adal. Best fishes, dress little fish.
Oh, I saw you do that on everyone's.
Hey, JPZ. Yeah, she taught me too. She taught me hard. I got Todd on mine.
You got Todd on yours? Yeah, I got Todd and I got best fishes. Oh, she said best wishes for me. Huh. She still drew the fish. Maybe she's just changing the first letter. I mean, why draw the fish? Yeah, would you sign my yearbook?
Uh, oh god, this is awkward. Can I tell you what I would write and then you can deem it fit? It's going to be even more awkward if you do it that way. I'll just tell you right now it is a blanket no and it's not because of anything that you were going to write. I'm putting my yearbook into a time capsule right after graduation and so I kind of want it pristine.
Oh, people are still doing that?
Oh, can I put something in?
Ugh, God. Stop asking questions. The answer's going to be no. It's going to be another blanket no. Okay, excuse me one second.
Hey Todd, will you sign my yearbook?
Me? Oh, okay. It is Todd's time to... Well, Adal's time to shine. Let's see here. Something funny. Hey, Erin. Lylas. What does that mean? Don't forget to eat your goat cheese. Lylas is... I love you like your sister.
Let me just scratch that out. I should have talked about it versus just writing it.
Hey, other Todd, do you want to sign my yearbook?
I would love to. I did just put my pen in a time capsule.
Yeah, so I officially am not signing any more yearbooks.
In the time capsule, sure. It's like a family tradition that my family still does.
Oh wait, Erin? Hey Erin? I was reading over your shoulder and I saw that Philip had a really funny thing. Can I just write plus Adal next to Philip's name?
So in like 10 years. You really want that to be how I remember you as you trying to get on with someone else's joke?
Well I just think 10 years from now you'll see it and you'll assume that came from both of us.
Yeah, I cracked open my dad's time capsule when I was out there and so I got his yearbook.
Why would you crack open your dad's casket?
So that says that now, but then I put an arrow, Todd tried to take credit for someone else's joke, so I don't forget what happened.
Fuck. Yeah, my dad was, unfortunately, the old way the family tradition was was you had to sire a son before you graduated, because then you got buried in your casket at a time capsule. And then when your son hit 18, of course, obviously, graduation. Sure. Yeah, and then dig it up.
Aren't all caskets time capsules? If you think about it.
They're definitely stink capsules. They're definitely smell capsules. Was not really prepared as much for that, for the kind of the wavy smell.
I just realized that my yearbook was actually just a copy of Sense and Sensibility, so I'm starting from scratch.
Erin, JPC, I'll see you around. Before we go, on the count of three, let's all say what college we're going to. One. Two. One. Two. Three. Mark Knows the College. Erin, what was yours?
Fans write in if you remember what college we're all going to.
Happy four year anniversary.
Happy four year anniversary. Or Riddle-versary. Four years.
Four years, which is- We technically have been recording for longer than four years.
That's true. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four years is the shirt that I'm wearing.
Okay, I just took four shots of tequila. I hope those sit well in my stomach for the episode.
Number four is the pumpkin anniversary, so did you guys get any pumpkin related anniversary gifts?
I carved a jack-o-lantern out of a watermelon. Okay, yeah. Pumpkin's word at the stores. It's July, so.
And I cut off your head and replaced it with a pumpkin.
Oh, it looks good. Where'd you find that head?
I can't believe it's been four years. Does it feel like four years to you?
It does and it doesn't. It feels like both four weeks and it feels like 40 years. So do with that what you will.
Interesting, interesting.
It's weird that half of our shelf life has been over Zoom.
A little sad. I miss recording in person.
Which is why I think our live shows are so fun. And yes... Mr. Recording in person. And we're like oil and water, we don't get along.
I will say doing the live shows is so fun and thank you to everyone who came out to our Chicago live show. What a treat, what a joy. So many fun people.
No thank you to those who came out to the LA live show. That was easy for you.
I thought I'd thank them already.
No, I wouldn't... Anyone who comes out that's not Chicago, no thank you.
Well I do want to put on a blast. Our Kansas City live show? Zero people in attendance. I guess it's because we didn't do one?
We didn't book it. We didn't go there. And we didn't put the show on.
But I can't remember if we didn't book it because nobody showed up or if people didn't show up because we didn't.
We get lost in the sauce with how all that stuff works.
It's a bit of a Catch-22.
Exactly. Speaking of, GBC. It was a bad audience.
Catch these 22 eggs. Catch these hands, God. Erin, are you... Erin, are you Old Man Puzzles today?
I think yes. Can we get into our... For four years, we should do at least four riddles, I feel like.
We'll see if I even decide to do one.
I'm... You don't get to pick how many riddles we do when we're not Old Man Puzzles.
We should. That's a classic Hey Riddle misstep. That's a riddle faux pas. I'm not Old Man Puzzles, and I think maybe we do ten today. That's a little faux pas and faux pas. Erin, do you feel... Erin, I want to ask you this. Yes, of course. Do you feel like doing riddles today?
Let me see. I'm checking with my body. My jaw feels tight.
Body keeps the score. Yeah, body knows. Body knows.
Creatine. Creatine levels.
And no, my body does not feel like doing riddles.
And Leon the professional.
You don't always get what you want.
Wow. For the record, we took a little break in between recording the opening bit and then coming into this. I did go and pee and my body is technically right now in riddle ketosis. So I am perfectly attuned to doing riddles. This is the best time to do riddles for me.
Oh, see I had riddles for breakfast and lunch, so I'm like overload on riddles.
Got it, got it, got it, got it.
Adal, how are you doing? I went to the bathroom as well during the break. I peed in my toilet standing up, but the piss hit the water and for some reason, jetted back into my mouth. It hit at such an angle it went back into my mouth, so I'm at prime.
You are really, you are running out of excuses as to why you're drinking your own pee. You are at the end of the line.
You're the only way to get halitosis to pee in your mouth. That's what halitosis is, right? You piss in your own mouth?
And then people hate it? So I have some listeners who submitted riddles. The first ones come from Liz. The first ones come from Liz, they them. They say, hey Erin, JBC, and Adal, and maybe Janet. Ah Liz, you just missed her.
You just missed her. We'll pass it along.
We'll pass it along. I know Liz. But Liz wrote some word avalanches. Uh oh. Thank God Janet left. She hates these. Thank you to them for writing these original word avalanches for us. Are you ready?
Yes, this is amazing. Bespoke word avalanches.
Can I ask a question about the email Liz sent? Did they say that they liked the show? Or is this like... Because we get a lot of mean-spirited riddle submissions.
Well, all I know about Liz is that they have an excellent sense of judgment because they were going to read these to us at our July 3rd live show in Chicago and then realize that this was probably not going to be the easiest way. And then at the end of the email they say such nice stuff that I will read to you when we're not recording.
Yeah, it does feel like a lot of people submit riddles who no longer listen to the podcast and are just trying to ruin it for others.
Yeah, and Harper did read some riddles at the July live show and we really gave it to him. So maybe Liz chose correctly here.
Yeah, they just are slowly lowering their hands and putting the hood over their head and just like... Okay, so an inappropriate broadcasting of the guy who played Harvey Dent and a podcast host with an excellent taste in sweaters make mistakes while out shopping. on inappropriate broadcasting of the guy who played Harvey Dent in a podcast host with excellent taste in sweaters making mistakes while out shopping.
Okay, so Erin's gonna be the host with the sweater. Erin Eckhart is gonna be Harvey Dent. I think it might be Tommy Lee Jones. I think it might be Billy D&D Williams.
I want to be a part of every inside joke that you two have. It's done. No more two-person inside jokes. They're done now.
It's just- Three-face. So three-face is the new Batman movie?
Yeah, because I need to be included.
There's a third face on my chest, there's a third chest.
I know we mentioned this in my dream, or no, I know we mentioned this off air, but in my dream last night, Adal murdered me and now I'm on edge.
I woke up to a text that Erin just said, I had a dream that you murdered me last night, so happy Monday. I don't know what to do with this information.
I do like how Erin said, I know we just mentioned this in my dream, and that is the biggest, like, I know we just talked about this in my dream, but I have to reiterate.
Yeah, you guys, I'm on edge. I got murdered last night by my, who I thought was my friend. I thought you were my friend, Adal!
It's honestly, it's usually a person that you think is your friend that murders you. That's what they say.
It's always someone you befriend. So Erin, Erin, maybe is the, is the, is error part of it?
An inappropriate, no, no error. No, inappropriate.
So what would be inappropriate?
An inappropriate broadcasting.
Erin would be a broadcast. A blank erring of.
So inappropriate sounds like Erin.
An inappropriate, an a-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er.
Of Erin. Okay. So is errant an errant? Yeah, errant is inappropriate. So an errant erring of Erin and Erin.
And then what's the last two words?
Can you remind me what the clues?
Excellent taste in sweaters, making mistakes, while out shopping.
Yeah, say it all together.
An errant airing of Erin and Erin, airing errants.
I'm glowing because I'm hearing my name over and over again.
No Erin, I think you put on that 1920s makeup.
It's all lead. And it's burning and it's poison and it's already in my blood.
It's all lead you hear to being the most beautiful woman alive. Miss Isotope, 1920.
All right, next. A retired late night host's inoffensive bluebird powered computer invented by a cutoff wearing podcast host in the urine ocean.
I do want to see a scene. Craig Kilbournes, to Kilbournes. I do want to see a quick scene. Yes. I'm going to be Jay Leno and I'm going to come up to you each in turn to do a little segment that I like to call Jaywalking. Hey everybody, I'm here on the street, Jay. I don't hear any of that.
No, you're crazy, Jay. You're crazy, Jay.
Yeah, Kevin, you banged everyone.
Everyone gave it up for Kevin, you banged.
Jay, no. You're actually kind of negative. Jay, don't. You're being kind of negative. No, Jay, no. So, here's a clip of me going out on the street and I asked people kind of questions. Jay! And we see what they say.
Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry, my son is choking. Do you know, um... Sorry, I have something a little more important. Can you name who the vice president is right now? Um, he's turning blue.
My son, could you... I don't know the high-click... He's turning blue because he's the Democrat, so that means it would be... My son!
Please, someone help my son!
That's not Myson. Oh, who's the famous boxer who fought Evandi Holyfield and bit off his ear? It's okay, honey. I'm gonna save you. That would have been prime time to save Myson, but, uh... Jay, no Jay.
Kevin, how did you get out here?
Jay, the woman's son's dying, Jay. Please, help her, Jay.
Pretty good impression, Adal.
Thank you. I've never done it before, never will again.
No, we don't know that. I might have you do it later. Okay, I'm calling it now. No matter what scene Adal's in today, he has to play as Jay Leno.
You murdered me in full blood for no reason. I murdered you in my sleep as well. Oh, God. And that's your punishment.
So I assume it's Jay, because there's a bluebird, which would be a blue Jay, and then Jay Leno.
A retired late night host inoffensive bluebird.
So pause real quick. So a retired late night host is Jay. Jay, what was the next part?
Inoffensive. Is that just J? Or is inoffensive part of it?
No. Not all of them will have J in it. Inoffensive.
Inoffensive. Which would be inoffensive.
Inoffensive bluebird. What's the name for a bluebird? Is it a kind of bluebird? Like a bluejay? Peacock?
The bluebird part has to be J, right?
I'd say the thing that's going to help you is inoffensive. You would describe it as a comic who doesn't say anything else. Oh, clean? Yeah, but doesn't push the boundaries. It's two letters.
The second two letters of- Oh, PC. Yeah, Jay's PC.
Jay's PC, Jay. What's the rest of it? What's the rest of the thing?
So this is hard because they're all going to be kind of out of order. The answer is out of order from the order in which you get them. So if you just get all of the words all out.
A retired late night hosts inoffensive bluebird powered computer invented by a cutoff wearing podcast host in the Urine Ocean.
Yeah, but that's sort of out of, it's, yeah, Jay's PC and then your name.
P. And then urine. Mm-hmm. And then the ocean.
Yeah. And then the retired, or like a blue... Jay? Yeah, Jay.
Alright, now say it all together.
Erin, can you just read it? Wait, I don't get it. I don't understand. Why is it, why is it persistent that the answer's out of order? What is that happening? So four times twelve, four times twelve plus ten, but no, put the number before that. Put the number before the four times twelve.
You can't just do three things that are JPZ and be like, yeah, but you got to figure out the order.
Erin, I'm going to cut that audio and play it at your funeral to make it sound insane.
I'm not going to be there, idiot, because my friend murdered me. I'm not even going to be there for you to be satisfied with the gotcha.
Now, normally we don't let killers come up at the funeral and play an audio clip, but who can turn down this face?
Hey, everybody. I got to do some jaywalking here.
Okay, we're moving on because we have to go on a break soon.
Okay. Last one from Liz. The father of a plaid-loving podcast host who will put some herbs on a confused Barbie belonging to the author of the BFG.
So I'm dying to see where this goes.
So it's like Adal's dad will, but combine dad and will.
My dad's will? What did he leave me? What did he leave me?
This podcast. So I hope you like it. Ad, he'll put some herbs on. So he'll add Adal's Daddle.
Uh-huh. To the role. A guy who wrote BFG. Who wrote BFG.
Dolls, yeah. So Adal's Daddle, Adil. Dill.
And then when you're just riddled with something, you're.
It's hot. Margot Roby. What is she? Dreamhouse.
A doll. You don't have to do A doll, just doll.
Adal's Daddle. Add Dill to Doll's Adal Doll.
Yeah, I got it. That one's really fun to say. Adal's Daddle. Add Dill to Doll's Adal Doll.
I'm going to do, we should each do our own, those are amazing, by the way, Liz. Thank you. And we should each do one of those before we record a podcast as our warmup.
I love that. Thank you, Liz. They were super sweet in their email. Thank you for writing original riddles, and we appreciate you. Let's go on a really quick break so I can reset my face after reading all of that.
A quick break, break, quick, quick, break, break, quick, quick, break.
I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?
I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.
And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.
Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.
Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it
People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.
You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.
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Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run.
Hello everyone and welcome back to our four year anniversary show. Raise your hands if you think we're making it to five. Oh, sorry, Adal's gone and a president's here. Hi Mr. President. Hello, my name is Honnest Haeb.
Why do you look like Jay Leno?
Eh, you got me a little present day special. Thank you, keep him honest, keep him honest.
That's why they call him Honest Abe, because he's just like Jay Leno.
I cannot tell a lie, except for when I read the wacky headline. Do you see this? You hear about this?
I'm enjoying this. I regret this. I'm enjoying it. I never dip into my Tonight Show money. Yes, you do.
But somehow I own 4,000 cars. Yeah, what is that? You never dipped into the Tonight Show money, but he just made all that money doing stand-up?
Yes, but it's also insane to be like, he's got to be 71 or 72. It's insane to be like, I'm 72, I have $350 million in the bank that I will not touch because I don't want to fuck up my future finances.
And it's like, what are you doing buddy? What is will not touch? Like is it just sitting there depreciating or is he actually like investing that money? Like what does he mean will not touch? Because basically if that's true, his money's just losing 8% every year.
Oh yeah, interest doesn't keep up with inflation. We all know that. We all know this. Except, except maybe Jay Little doesn't know this. What was that, Erin?
Nothing. Hey everybody, hear about this? Interest doesn't keep up with inflation, so I'm ruined. Should've touched that money.
He's on daytime. Him and Kevin Eubanks have a daytime TV show that I've only ever seen while waiting in the lobby of a doctor's office or an auto mechanic. Are you serious?
Yes. How have I never heard about this? Because it's new.
This man cannot let go. He keeps retiring and then he's like, I can't do this. I can't be home.
And then Kevin Eubanks his twitty bird? Yeah. So these next listener submitted riddles, and by the way, by the way, if you want to send us some riddles, especially if they're original, send them to hrrpodcastatgmail.com or leave us a voicemail and we'll give you that number later. But these are from Tyler.
And I cannot stress enough, if you're putting your riddles on the HMS podcast, that ship is going to be destroyed as part of a weapons test. Awesome, that ship is sailed. Well, it's already sailed. It sailed like three years ago. They keep building more of the fucking things. They load them up with listener riddles, and then they put them out in the middle of the ocean and fucking sink them. Why not have to get a treasure diver to tie these down there? Look at these fucking riddles. Just don't do it. Just don't put them on the boat. Send them in the email. It's easier. You'll have to go to a dock.
You sound like Joe Biden.
It's easier. I'm going to put them on a dock. Why?
Why? Why? Why? We're all discovering impressions today.
Uh, not me. Never me. It's fine.
Okay, so... Erin, I once again ask you to discover an impression.
All right, you guys be serious. These are from Tyler and Tyler is so sweet. Tyler, he, him, we can say his name and at the end of the riddles, he apologizes. So if that's an indicator of how he just cares that we have to do riddles and he feels bad. All right, so these are 10 movie mash-up riddles. I'll give the synopsis of a brand new movie created by mashing together any two movies or shows. The answer is formed by... in the mash-ing together the two titles.
Okay. Hell yeah. This is exciting.
Okay. Erin, are we allowed to use knowledge that we have from outside of the game to solve these riddles?
You have them resetting you as little babies.
Erin, will any of these be adult films?
I think they all are going to be. If you work in that industry, we're about to give you 10 fresh, hot, new names.
Juliet Louis Dreyfus with LL Cool J. That would be Veep Goat. Is it the movie Veep Goat?
Okay. I don't want to look at your search history ever. Remind me to never, ever, ever go on your computer. Every time I'm about to go on your computer to look something up, I want you to knock it right out of my hands and onto the floor.
And if you want to protect yourself from weird searches, use Veep Goat.
Veep Goat. A VPN and also a goat. A board.
The Vice President's a goat? That does sound like a kids movie where it's like a Disney Plus movie. Yeah. The Vice President's a goat.
Poor Tyler right now is thinking, wow, they're about to do my riddles and then they keep not doing them. And I just want to hear my riddles read on the show. We're getting to them.
We're getting to them, Tyler.
Okay, a Golden Retriever descends on an umbrella to use magic in a song to help two British children and their busy father discover there's nothing in the rule book against family.
Ted Lassie. Oh, I'm frozen.
I'm frozen in happiness. Give me bad news quickly. I'm too happy. Give me bad news.
Bad news, Adal, bad news.
Go to the Vice President.
Bad news, Adal, bad news!
Okay, so Mary Poppins and Air Bud, right?
Yeah, but how do you say it?
A-I-R-Y? Airy Poppins? Mary Buttons?
Mary Airy Poppins out of that puss.
Mary Buddy Poppins. Okay.
Mary Buddy Poppins. Like, Mary Buddy Poppins.
So all the answers to this will be strokes.
Well, no, no, no. I thought they were like one word combined into the second word, but that was one word like turduckened into. In the middle, yeah.
So is that all of them will be in the middle or they can be in the middle?
So Tyler, you didn't fuck up there. That's not on you. No. Don't feel bad about that one, Tyler.
That's on me, that's on me.
Laura Ingalls is about to get a little wilder.
Nope. When a Golden Retriever joins her family's Midwest adventures.
Air Bud on the Prairie? Little House on the Air Buddy? Hold on. Little House on the Air Buddy? Are these all Air Buddy? There's no rules that said a girl on the prairie can't play basketball.
You're so close. Little House on the Prairie Buddy.
I'm crying. Okay, here's the next one.
These are all going to be Air Bud.
You don't know that. A young man is sent from West Philadelphia to live with his wealthy golden retriever in their massive doghouse.
Fresh Prince of Bel Air Bud. Philadelphia Air Bud.
Tom Hanks in Philadelphia Air Bud.
I want to see a scene. Erin, you are a young lady who lives on a prairie or the farm. And JPC, you are a new dog that she discovers and you have the power of flight.
Well, hello there. Oh my goodness, you have something stuck in your paw. Let me get it out for you, small dog. Aww, poor baby. One, two, there you go. All better. Yeah.
Well, I must be on the... Sorry, Captain, they're ready for you. It puts on some shades.
Well, nice to meet you. I gotta be going.
Look, I'm not offered in St. Louis, but if I am, I give you a call.
Um, sorry. I live on this farm with my family and your talking dog. Did I hit my head on the bridge this morning?
Look, I mean, I gotta lay over here in a couple of weeks. I wasn't back coming back. Attention everyone. Labra Delta Flight 204 to Cincinnati will be leaving in two minutes. That's my brain. That's my brain.
Well, I've lived on the prairie in the past and I don't know what any of this future parking is.
It was dead meeting you. Obviously it's not gonna work out. That's totally fine. But I'll be here in a couple of weeks if you're there next time if you want to do work.
It's okay. I never really actually met you. It's clear that I hit my head pretty hard.
No, this is a this is a captain of a Air Delta flight. What was it? The Delta Retriever. Scene. I was about to say, Sarah, wake up.
You hit your head pretty hard kissing that dog.
A boy runs away to an island filled with golden retrievers who make him their king in this Spike Jonze adaptation of the classic picture book.
Where are the wild things, air buddy? Air bud? Air bud, the wild things are?
Yeah, where bud the wild things are.
Where bud the wild things are. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Interesting. These are different.
Adal, I think you in particular will like this one for so many reasons. You'll see that in a second. Daniel Day Lewis shines as a prospector who will stop at nothing. There will be air bud. Hold on. Nothing to adopt all the golden retrievers during the golden retriever boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. What did Tyler do that is hilarious? He came up with the perfect title. What did he do?
Their bud will be Air Bud.
You got it. That is fucking incredible. I knew you would love that. I drink your milkshake, which I shouldn't have because I'm a dog and chocolate kills me. Jay!
Jay! This is my son and my partner Air Bud.
I really want that to catch on. For people to say let's Daniel Day do this. How do we make that happen?
He's not acting anymore, right?
Hey Adal, we let go and let God. That's how we do that. We let go of it, we let go, and we let God.
Wouldn't it be funny if Daniel Day Lewis quit acting and then he just did like direct to DVD screwball comedies?
If he did like American Pie 6 or something, I would be like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
I would love Stiffler. You have to know Stiffler. That's what you chase.
You fuck my mom. You drink my milkshake. That's what it is. You drink my milkshake.
You drink my milkshake, yes.
We got to write this script.
We got to do a table reading. How much money do you think it would take Daniel Day-Lewis to agree to come on a directed DVD, American Pie 18's Fuck Camp just to come on to do a scene where he says, you drank my milf shit.
Buddy, the thing with Dan Day-Lewis is it's not about money.
For everybody it's about money. There's a price.
How much for him to make their bud will be air blood?
How much? He's married to, I want to say Arthur Miller's daughter?
Martha Miller. I think he's married to Arthur Miller's daughter, so between the two of them, they are not struggling. Just like Jay Leno, they're not struggling for money. Wait, is Arthur Miller? Was he rich? He was a playwright. Oh, for sure, yeah. Residuals, married to Marilyn Monroe. Okay.
So this next one is, twin golden retrievers at doggy camp devise a clever play to make their parents fall back in love.
Buzz, the pear, the pear-air-bud-tramp trap. That's just hard to say. The pear-air-bud-trap.
Yeah, the pear-bud-int trap. That one doesn't work as well.
Pear-bud-int? Tyler, I love the effort.
Regis asks 15 multiple choice questions to contestants.
Who wants to be a millionaire bud?
Yeah. On their way to becoming a Golden Retriever. Perfect. Who wants to be a millionaire bud? What?
That's not a movie. Is who wants to be a millionaire a movie? Yeah, it's the Bollywood one.
Oh, slumdog millionaire bud.
Oh, it could be TV shows.
Because the French, the French prince of Bel Air.
The French have a saying. Wait, is the French prince of, is it the French prince of Bel Air?
No, it's not. It's French.
In West Versailles, born and raised with cheddar on my baguette every day.
And this podcast is free, right?
I said one little mare that my mother got scared. She said, you're moving to France with your friend in Versailles. That doesn't work.
Every other part of it works. Cut out that part. Kasey put a beep out of here. Big beep over that. Actually, that's great. Kasey, just put a beep on it and then let's all do a reaction. We're like, oh shit, that rhymed!
I said marered. I subconsciously set myself up to rhyme marered with Bel-Air and I totally ignored it.
Yeah. It happens. JPC, I think you will like this one. A group of criminal golden retrievers being transported to the super max bow take over the plane. Yes, it's gone airbud.
A golden retriever handles the most- Why couldn't you put down the bunny?
A golden retriever handles the most difficult- Actually, I'd like to see a scene. GPC, you are a golden retriever and you're auditioning for Con Air and Adal, you are the casting agent.
Okay, come on in. So, you know, you've read the script and, you know, the motivations and the lines. Are we ready for Diamond Dog? You'll be reading for Diamond Dog, okay. Are we ready? Yes, that's right. Whenever you're ready, just go ahead and watch it. Can we be honest? I don't think we're going to do the part. You don't think Ving Rains is going to do the part?
I know Ving Rains is going to do the part. I'm just here from the studio to drive up his asking cause and a little bidding war, you know?
Yeah, you understand what's going on.
Well, also your uncle is the head of Paramount, so we had to a little bit of an epithetism.
My uncle's head is a parachute.
Sorry, that's what it is. Your uncle's head is a parachute. I'm a pilot. And has he deployed yet or died?
It was in the family. No, it's all packed up. It's packed up right now. Okay, so whenever you're ready just go ahead and refer to Diamond. Captain and Captain they are ready for you. Are you flying a mouth wet flight?
Uh, Flying Mouth Wet? Very offensive to my people. Very... Oh, I'm not saying you have a wet mouth. I'm not saying all dogs have wet mouth. Oh, you're not? Well, I guess if I think about it, a lot of dogs have wet mouths. Have you heard about this? You've seen this? Kevin, you heard about this? Jay. Just do the audition, Jay. Okay, okay. Go ahead.
I'm Elgin Bitch. John Kuzak. It can't possibly say that in the script.
It does. It's a bad script. It's not good. They accidentally called Cole Meaney. Cole Meaney was a couple of times. Cole Meaney? Can you hear that through my act? Cole Meaney. Cole Meaney, I don't know.
Cole Meaney. Cole Meaney, is that a person? You don't know how hard it is to say the actor Cole Meaney. I can't tell. As a dog. Cole Meaney. Uh, the captain's saying Cole Meaney.
Okay, can he say Rifu Chemi?
I'm very afraid of my people. Did you say Rifu Chemi like that? Very afraid of my people. No, it's one of my best friends, the Scooby Doo. Jay! Jay! What is this show? That's the second time I've done a dog and the fifth time I've done Kevin Eubanks. My mom is going to call me tomorrow and be like, what'd you do yesterday? I'm going to go, I played Jay Leno casting Con Air to a dog.
Rollover? Big? A Golden Retriever handles the most difficult criminal defense cases in this best-selling series of novels adapted for TV, film, and radio.
Damn it. That's great. Boys, this has got to be one of those shows that I don't care about. The Good Lawyer.
Law and Order SU Dog. Buddy Mason.
I know that name. I know Perry Mason. Oh, oh, Perry Mason. Right? Yeah. Got it. You're giving me the other part.
Thank you. Look, I have no idea what this one's about, but I know it has golden retrievers and it's based on the book by Charlotte Bronte.
Charlotte Bronte, one of the least popular Bronte sisters. This would be... The woman's first in line. Jane Ehrbud.
A thousand apologies and 2000 your welcomes from Tyler. Thank you, Tyler. You clearly have listened to the show for quite some time and had an understanding of what we would like. Tyler. So thank you for taking the time to make those.
I hate to put limitations on you, Tyler. We will accept 50,000 more of those and not a single one more.
Yeah, you have to do 50,000 more.
You're capped at 50,000 submissions, Tyler. We're going to hold your feet to the fire on that one, buddy. We hate to do it, but we have to make the rules.
We have to make the hard calls. I'm not sure you noticed, but all of them were Air Bud? Hmm? You noticed. I certainly did notice. Doesn't matter. Um, JPC, can we have some voicemails, please?
Dude, you don't even got to ask because I love playing these voicemails. Wait for the beep. Hey Riddle Riddle, I want to get the calls on the voicemail. And I'll hit play. And I'll hit play.
You all are amazing. I just want to say thank you. And if this is anything like the email, this will be played in about five years on an episode. So I wanted to say to my teacher self, hello. And if you haven't asked her to marry you, you are a coward. Good day, sir.
Wow, I don't think he thought that would be played two weeks after he said it. No. You gotta pull the plug. You gotta pull the trigger now, buddy. Pull the plug now. You gotta pull the plug now.
She's not waking up. I don't know what the state of this relationship is, but congratulations, I guess, on this kind of shotgun wedding on the podcast.
He's like, oh no, I thought I had five years. I have no money saved. We just started dating. We've been dating for four months. Oh, God. I have no money saved, but you're Arthur Miller's daughter, so it'll be fine. It'll be fine. You're a Miller. You're a Miller's Crossing.
Yeah, and I guess if you want to propose to someone in the voicemails that, uh, you know, feel free to use the voicemails for that. Whoa, shit, I forgot to say that number. That number is 1-805-Riddle-1. 8-0-5-Riddle-1. Empire. Today. One more. Let's hear the other one. Wait, hold on.
We gotta facilitate some sort of proposal.
How about I'll ask? I'll ask. Hey. He said her, right?
Yes, I think so. I don't remember.
Great. Hey. It's me, Erin Keif, from the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle.
You know that proposal you were looking for? We'll listen to this.
What's the name of the guy?
I don't fucking know. What am I, Captain Memory over here?
Okay, so you know your boyfriend's voice. If that's your boyfriend, I'm Erin Keif. I'm here to propose for him. Hi. Will you marry him? He's going to be so nice to you. He's going to do 50% of the labor. You don't know that. He's better be because if he's not the best husband ever, he'll have to answer to me. That's the Erin Keif guarantee.
So the answer to you means you'll read him a riddle and he has to give you the answer?
Yeah, basically. My dream job is yelling at other people's husbands when they act shitty. So give me a call and I'll figure it out. But he's going to treat you right. So say yes. She said yes. Okay, great. Next voicemail.
I hope that all works out. Hey Riddle Riddle. I got a bone to pick with you. Not really. I actually ended up getting the day off because I stayed up way too late listening to your podcast and catching up. And when I was late this morning, my boss was like, oh, you've been overworked. Just tap the day off. PTO for free. So thank you very much. Did not have done it if I hadn't fallen behind on your podcast and then caught up all in one night. Anyway, hope you're having a great day. Bye. This is JPC's dream.
He has the cadence of like a nice engine where it's like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
Yeah, and he obviously was an engine that puttered out because he didn't have enough coal shoved in him, aka our podcast. Because if there had been more episodes, he would have powered through and then gone to work early, probably.
And I think he said his job gave him BTO, which of course we all know from the 1970s stands for Bachman Turner Overdrive, the band that sings the song Taking Care of Business, and whose son is Tal Bachman, who sang the song She's So High. Keep going.
So anyways, the secret want of the hosts of the show is that you'd never go to work again.
Hey Riddle Riddle says, quit your jobs. Don't show up. That's what we say.
I do think it's really nice to listen to the show all night and then go into work and be like, I'm too sick from listening to the funny podcast. I have to go to the Norse. Are you dreaming of the Norse?
Well Adal, anything to plug?
Yes I do, thank you so much Erin. I was recently a guest on the podcast Yes Androgyny, so please check me out on Yes Androgyny podcast on the episode I just recently guested on. And also a little bit ago I was a guest on a podcast called Pitch a Podcast, so please also check out Pitch a Podcast. JPC anything to plug?
Yep, today's five-star review comes from Tomahawk from Pitch a Podcast. It's titled, Is Adal Mad at Me? I love this show so much that it inspired to start my own podcast last year. I asked Adal to come be a guest on my show, and he did. I know he gets on shows a lot because he frequently plugs them on the podcast, but he didn't plug mine. So ever since January, I've been wondering if I made him mad on my podcast. Instead of asking him myself, I thought getting JPC to read out his review, this five-star review would be a better course of action. Long live Tim Allen Wrench. Uh, well, I gotta say shitty timing, Tomahawk. You look like a fool. You look like a complete fucking idiot.
Wow. Yikes. I guess that didn't turn out to be a good strategy.
I do also love that I painted myself into the corner of, if I guess on a podcast, I must plug it.
Well, I mean, you did, and this guy still got mad, so... Don't get what's going on with you, Tabahawk. Seems like you can take that petty shit, leave it to the professionals.
In all honesty, what happened was I used to, as soon as I guessed it on shows, I would plug them on here. But then a lot of shows I guessed it on were like, your episode will come out in three months. So I stopped doing it because I couldn't remember when, I couldn't keep track of the scheduling. So I was just like, I can't keep track of this and it's not, it's not something I want to, you know, weigh myself down with. So I do love all the shows I guessed on and I hope to plug them all, but it's tough when it's scheduled for later.
Hope to plug them all. Like a... Gotta plug them all. Just got Pokemon. Pokemon. Like a Pokemon pervert. Erin, anything that you have to plug?
Just check out sitcom D&D if you haven't already, or if you listen to it and then didn't like it, just go give it one more chance and it'll never bother you about it ever again. And then check out Bill Budd's pop cast and also Hello from the Magic Tavern. I know that JPC and I have both been on Hello from the Magic Tavern recently. I don't know if those episodes are out yet.
Can I say that? I've never been asked. Is there anything... Yeah. Adal's never been on that show. Is there anything that you would also recommend people give a second chance to? Because I am a big fan of second chance plugs. Here's what I will say. As an adult, If you haven't had it in a while, give Pickles another shot. I think that your taste buds changed over time. I think you might like Pickles the second time around. If you don't like Pickles, I don't want you as a listener.
I'll say it. I'll say it. Nope. Okay. Jupiter.
No, hold on. No, hold on. Yeah, you lady on the street. Can you name a single planet that starts maybe with my first name?
Jay. Jay, I'm so sorry to do this.
E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2.
E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2. E2.
I am already parent of the music.
Hey there, palans and jewels. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another entry into our state series with Alaska. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. See you there.