Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with a knife and a knife. And the horses ate fried eggs.

Okay. And let's all stretch out as far as we can. Bend at the waist. Okay. Shush up. Bend at the waist. And we're just going to try.

Wait, forwards or backwards? Either way, whatever you can do. I'm going to do forwards.

Okay.

Backwards is too hard.

And this is called praying to the puppy. Everyone pray to the puppy. Uh, and then we're going to relax. We're going to come up one spine at a time, one spine at a time, multiple spines. Well, then this should be very easy for you. And we're going to look up to the sky and we're going to open our arms wide, palms up. And this is called celebrating the rain. Let's all celebrate the rain. I'm gonna come around and spit on you. I'm gonna come around and spit on you. And this is just cleansing. This is just water cleansing your soul.

You basically didn't get any water on me. Maybe it was the fifth or sixth person you spit on it. It was kind of just, it felt like blowing air.

Not everyone's gonna get the same amount of spit and that's fine. Rain doesn't fall on everyone equally. Some people get soaking wet, some people stay bone dry. It's not about wet equality, it's about whatever rain you get trying to use that to nurture the nutrients in the soil of your soul.

Why was this class $400? I'm on scholarship. Oh, you're so lucky.

Okay, and now when everyone put your head down one spine at a time, you're going to take your right arm, you're going to reach into your back pocket, you're going to pull out your credit card, and you're going to put it out with the chip facing towards me and close your eyes.

My credit card is a chip.

Excuse me?

My credit card is a chip.

And how does that work?

It's a Tostitos scoop. Oh, the noob.

Mine is Tostitos hint of lime. You have a terrible credit squirt.

Yeah, but they're both one-use credit cards. And it breaks the machine.

Okay, put your credit cards down and I want you to repeat after me. I am Adal Rifai.

I am Adal Rifai.

No, but say your name.

Your name. I am not welcome back to most ATMs.

And for me, an ATM to me seems like a challenge. An ass to mouth challenge. And I can go ask the mouth if I'm bidding the right way forward. If I'm bidding backwards, I can't do it.

Ask the mouth, you did the cinnamon challenge all wrong.

And I'm Erin Keif.

Hey everyone, I'm JPC and this is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Challenge. Try to have a bowl. Try to have just one.

I don't have any in my house, this is going to be very difficult.

That's Gemma's favorite. Whenever we go to Costco, we'll buy like a three-pack and it is gone within days. So, Coco Pebbles is my number one with a bullet, but Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Oh boy, so good.

I had us in his backyard shooting cereal box.

Training. Adal your asshole friend Brett Lyons told me he was like you know what is good if you go and get the at Costco they have like a keto version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It's that no sugar cereal and he's like it's great tastes just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I bought some of that shit. No it doesn't. Hey dumbass it doesn't. Where did you say that it was from? Cosco. Cosco has it right next to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. They're like, you can buy this Cinnamon Toast Crunch? It's cheaper. Sure, it's worse for you. Or you can buy this smaller, more expensive bag of keto breakfast cereal that Adal's dumbass friend Brett thinks is so fucking similar. Well, it's not.

Yeah, when you're friends with Brett Lyons, any recommendation he gives, you just have to say you'll check it out and then don't. Here's the thing, I know that.

I know that. And yet there I was at Costco fucking buying the goddamn keto. I don't even like keto cereal. And I'm not keto. There's no reason for it. Fucking Brett. Guys, goddamn that fucking idiot.

Didn't he trick you into buying a new pair of shoes?

Yeah. But by the way, I loved those boots and I bought a pair of Nike duck boots and Brett was like, you gotta get them. You gotta get them. I fucking bought them. And like two weeks later I was wearing them. I was like, Hey man, these are great. I love these things. I took them back. I took them back. They didn't fit my feet. I was like, fuck you. Fucking asshole.

But I did like them. I did like them. He'll be like, I got this device. It's the best thing ever. You gotta get one. And then I'll get one. And I'm like, yeah, it's pretty cool. Where's yours? And he goes, I hated it. I returned it.

I was like, what are we doing? Hey Riddle Riddle.

I do have to stop saying jacked off, but me and Mariah, when Spaghetti's being very upset, we have been saying that she's all jacked off, just kind of around the house, and I think it's beginning to rub off onto my lexicon, into my vocabulary. I do think saying the word jacked off and applying it to just being amped up is very funny. But I'm all jacked off.

I just realized something and then I would definitely want to hear what you're jacked off about. I just realized the lead singer of Fun, isn't his name like Jack Antof?

He's not the lead singer of Fun.

He's not the lead singer.

Do you think he just- Oh, wait, by the way, Adal, you just fucking stepped in it, dude.

Oh, no.

You just stepped in it.

People are gonna think I'm not a fan of Fun, period.

Uh-oh, Erin. Adal's talking shit about Fun.

Cracks knuckles, walks to Chicago, punches him in teeth.

Fun, period. More like fine, period. But I'm sure that he must have been teased mercilessly. Mercilessly.

Yeah, because Jack is like, hey, you're going to go Jack and Ant off or whatever.

Oh, that's pretty good, actually.

Well, anyone whose first name is Jack, we could probably find a way to make fun of him.

Uncles Jack off your aunts. Jack is short for John, right? Yeah, Jack's a weird one. It doesn't seem like a shortening. It just seems like a reinvention.

Yeah, I guess so. But anyway, the reason that I'm all jacked off is because I've been having myself a little JPC weekend, which is where I get things done around the house. And I got to tell you, I love it. Hey Riddle.

Yeah, I think his plants are talking.

He said plant surgery? What does he do? He's rehousing plants. He said plant surgery. Is he cutting out the plants and taking their brains?

Actually, the roots probably are kind of like the brains of the plant, so in a way I kind of am doing brain surgery on these little plants.

Yeah, I guess we do dump water on our brains.

Yeah, I mean, when they get too hot because of all the good ideas they're having.

I guess I'm just jealous and this is triggering to me because I haven't gotten anything done. Look, I mean, you've seen me record in my kitchen for many months now. Have you ever seen it this messy? Look at that.

It's pretty messy.

Look at that.

There's upwards of four things on your counter.

It's driving me insane and dusty in my place and there's just like, things are sticky and horrible and I'm not, I'm happy for you, but I'm having a hard time hearing you talk about it.

Here's the thing with good stuff done, there's always more stuff to do.

Yeah.

Erin, close your eyes. Picture this. The year is 1991. Dan Aykroyd is driving a town car with you in the backseat and he's driving you insane. Is this a fun idea for a movie?

I like it. I'm a baby though.

Is the movie idea that you're pitching like... Set in the past or is it modern day Dan Aykroyd and it's set like a 91 or are you pitching a movie where we'd have to have Dan Aykroyd have done this movie at 91?

We would have to, the Irishman de-age him. Okay. And the Irishman looked incredible. Blawless.

Do we have the budget for that?

Erin, we must.

Okay. Okay.

We'll figure it out. We'll max out our cards.

Works for me.

Max out our debit cards.

Well, I'm happy for your plants and I'm happy for your house.

Yeah, must be nice.

I also put a table together this weekend for our patio.

Oh nice!

We've lived here for a year and we've been like hemming and hauling over what kind of patio furniture to buy. We finally fucking pulled the trigger, put it together, instantly stripped a screw. Instantly stripped a screw. But then went to the hardware store today, Mariah went, got a replacement screw, put that bad boy in, and now it's all working perfectly.

Honestly if the screw was... Oh he ate the screw, that one got that sound.

Oh no. Chef's Kids. And also last night you helped take apart a table for me.

So guess my superpower is like putting tables together and dismantling. They called me the tabler.

Why did you need a table? Watch your tables around the tabler.

Yeah this guy came to my house and he said let's table the conversation and then he punched me in the face.

So wait, Adal why did you need a table disassembled?

We, JPC and I were over at our friend Rush's place and Rush was incredibly kind to give me his, he has like a custom made table that he, I think he got years and years ago, but it's his custom made gaming table.

Custom made gaming table? Let me just tabulate that up. Quite expensive.

The tabler get out of here man. Haven't you done enough?

Leave us alone. I'm the tabler and I'm all jacked off.

What's up with your hair? Leave us alone, Adal, that's so good. I want to think of one.

Oh yeah, go ahead, Erin, go ahead.

Okay, Erin, if you can think of one, I appoint you as the chair of table parts.

Okay, well now I can't do a chair one.

How about the couch? The couch?

Captain couch? Looks like I'm going to have to bench her.

Erin, you gotta hurry up. You gotta hurry up.

Set the table. I quit. I quit Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh, okay. Yeah. No. Okay. I quit. I quit.

I quit. But that sucks because JPC ran off with the tabler. So that's just Adal. Adal, go ahead.

The cow jumped over the moon. Hey diddle diddle. That's not right. Hey diddle diddle. Yeah, that's right. But Rush was kind enough to give me this table and so after we played some games around midnight, we dismantled the table. JPC drove his Toyota RAV4 up front and we loaded it in and took it to my house. I'm very excited. So we're going to put it in the bar so I can have game nights down there. And it's a very nice table. It's very cool. Comes with six chairs. Played many a D&D on that table. Yes, that's our entire D&D campaign for the last six years. When it wasn't over Zoom, it was on that table.

Is it still the same group of people playing D&D?

We haven't played in a minute because everybody's very busy, but yes. Yeah, it was Shad Conkle, TJ Jaggedowski, Pat Conley, Rush Howell, JPC, Adal Rifai, and then we had a guest, we had Matt Young guest for an arc, and Bill Arnett guest for an arc.

Yeah. Also, maybe not necessarily the way that I would do the billing with me last. Unless it's like the way that they do it with the movies.

And JPC.

Yeah, and they put the biggest star at the very end.

I think it's more like an introducing JPC. That seems like the vibe.

Because you're an unknown quantity.

Oh, okay. Hey, you know what? I find it's my first feature on a fake movie that we're making. Hey, speaking of fake movies that we're making, do you guys want to do some riddles? No, by segue, it was perfect.

Hold on a second. Where'd my coaster go? Did you see I put that drink down with a coaster?

Should we table it? The tabler! What is my whole thing? I don't know. I like tables?

Oh, I thought you were a table.

Am I?

Oh, you're just behind one. I think you take them apart. I'm not 100% sure though, Tabler. Tabler, how about you go and you figure it out and then you let us know?

Yeah, let us know.

And it's- H-R-R podcast at gmail.com. You tell us what I should be. I don't know.

Sounds like a little gremlin. Well, Kevin, my words, if you- My waveform is fucked. If you want to make an entrance, you should just, anytime that Dave Matthews song plays, you should just pop up. That's the one I was thinking of.

He wakes up on a table.

This is Dave Matthews if he's trying to flirt, but also sing. He wakes up in the morning. If I may, here is my impression of the one song lyric I relate to the least.

He wakes up in the morning.

Yep. That's true.

Holy shit. That's true.

He don't wake up in the morning. He wake up in the afternoon. Do you have to see what we're saying about doing riddles? I would like to do so if that's okay with the two of you.

No. No, thanks. Hard pass.

I got this big ass, I got this big ass ebook of Almanac riddles from Amber that we did a few weeks ago and we're gonna, hey, we're gonna do some more of them.

How do you, wait, big ass Almanac ebook. How do you know it's big if it's a ebook?

I guess there's a lot of riddles in it, but I don't necessarily know that it's big. That's a really great point, Adal.

It could be like 42 size font.

No, I know the size of the font. That I can know for sure. Yeah. Yeah. 5'8". He's about 5'8", yeah. Ah, 5'7". I would say 5'7". New season of Barry. He's so great. He's so great. Okay, so here we go. Here's your first riddle. This is from a farmer's almanac from 1900, the year. We are little airy creatures, all of different voice and features. One of us, in glasses set, in a second, found in jet. One of us is cased in tin. And the fourth, a box within.

And the fifth, you would pursue.

Wait, Erin, were you trying to buy a vowel?

I'm trying to buy a vowel because that's the answer. But keep going. No, no. Pretend I'm not here.

It could never fly from you. I know the answer. It's the Musinex thing.

Yeah, yeah. It's the Musinex thing. Uh-huh.

I'm an idiot. I thought it was a vowel.

Erin is correct. It is a vowel. They are airy little things. But also Adal is correct in that the Musinex man is foul.

What a foul little thing to your ass, Scott.

Yeah.

He hit on me at a bar once and I was like, what? No.

I want to see a scene.

No.

Erin, you're in a bar. TVC, you're the mucinex creature and you're hitting on her. Come on.

Can I have a tequila soda, please? Thanks.

Oh, I'm just a guy by the jukebox.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. You're just like all the waiters. Sorry. Hey, can I have a tequila soda, please?

I'll also have a tequila soda. And let me pay for her. Well, this is so embarrassing. Whipped my wallet not too fast. My super deluxe magnum condom fell right out. Where's that voice coming from? Hello? I'm inside your nose. Excuse me. I'm in your side of this. Whoa. I haven't been this wet since, well, since I met you. Hello, Ashante.

A condom just fell out of my mouth.

My name's Dougie Musenix. That's actually mine. That's my extra-large, magnum thick version condom because a lot of my stuff breaks regular condoms.

Here's your drinks. You find that you like thick condoms? Is that a fetish of yours?

Sorry, I'm just hung up on the idea of thick condoms.

Do you work here? You're dressed like all the waiters. Well, yeah, I'm a bartender. Here's your drinks. Does it feel good because it makes you last longer? All that thickness of It's really about retention. It's about what it can hold.

By the way, I'm not paying for both of our drinks. I'll just get my drink and be on my way. Thank you.

And I will need her to pay for the drink because, as I mentioned, I only packed my very, very thick, but not like thick in a way that it would make what I've got thin. Just thinking that it needs to be. It's roomy inside and on the outside. You understand.

Well, it was nice meeting you, dog, or whatever your name is.

Dougie Newsenix.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you. I'm gonna actually go back over with my friends.

Oh, you mean you're much prettier friends? Neg. Neg. Neg. Neg. Dougie Newsenix.

If you say Neg, it doesn't really work. You can hear that?

See? I am the Neg man.

They are the Eggman. I think you're ugly. I hate you. She's not pretty, you're not pretty.

Everyone is shitty to their dad.

I can't imagine... Well, I can imagine the type of person that would do that, but I can't imagine myself ever being like, I'm going to try nagging as a strategy to beat a person.

Gross. That was like maybe the 2000s or something? There was that book, some book came out that was like Secrets of Hana, whatever.

That like pickup artist.

Yeah. And I think he had his own TV show. It was just a gross time to be alive. Not that today's any different, but Just a wild thing, a wild thing that sprung forth from the well of life is nagging as like a strategy or so gross.

Well I've been nagging you guys since episode one. Is it working? Are you charmed by me?

I mean I'm still here. I haven't thrown a drink in your face. I actually have ruined several computers. We've had to stop episodes because Erin said something mean to me and that it was just black screen on my end.

It's an expensive mistake.

Which is when I threw a very dirty martini, thick, thick dirty martini at my computer screen.

Can I have some thick olives please?

Let me get the dirtiest. I want to see the juice and the olive particles floating in the juice pour that into it. Have you guys ever had a dirty virgin martini?

Yes. You take a... So it's gin, ectocooler high C. Yes. Maybe that's it.

To Make It Virgin, you start with the gin. Okay, here we go. Speaking of starting with the gin, this is from an old farmer's almanac from 1900. Same as the last one. You gonna talk about a genie? I hope so. Oh, shit. Let me just double check. Is the answer genie? I'll be fucking embarrassed if the answer's genie. Oh, thank God it's not. What God never sees, what a king seldom sees... His own asshole. It's gotta be that. Could God make an asshole so quiet that not even a king could see it?

Quiet?

I don't know. Bring me the royal hand mirror. Oh, there it is. I truly didn't know, Erin. I never thought anyone would call me out on it. What God never sees, what a king seldom sees, what we see every day. Our own assholes. What God never sees. I actually like this one. I don't think we've had this one on the podcast before, and by that I mean we probably have, but I like the answer here.

So God probably sees, Erin, let's talk through this. God probably, I don't believe in this thing, but God probably sees like clouds and pearly gates and little angels and stuff. I guess God sees everything. So hold on.

What God never sees, what King seldom sees and what we see every day.

So is it nothing?

It is not nothing.

No. Do you see nothing every day? Was that supposed to be a subtle dig at me?

Not nothing. Are you my dad putting Burger King on the table when I'm 10 years old and complaining? Hey, eat up.

It's not nothing. Or like my dad always said, it's, uh, hey, it's not somebody's asshole, but I'll eat it.

It's not God's asshole, but take a look. So there's, so God can, he's omnipotent, just like the Pope and just like Mark Summers, he can see everything. So what can't God

See, he can't see his own face. This is very hard. Adal? Are there mirrors in heaven? It's not, it's not, no, but they do play that Justin Timberlake song, Mirrors in Heaven. Justin Timberlake, Not Alive in Heaven, because of what he did to Janet Jackson. Right. But the song still slaps and they play it in heaven. It's on a playlist. It's not the only song they play. They also play that Michael Jackson.

You think heaven has a DJ and not a live band?

Heaven plays Michael Jackson?

They play that song.

They play the Man in the Mirror song because it's a good song. God can't keep having this discussion. Do you see Michael Jackson here? No! He's not here!

Okay.

I'm more mad that there's a DJ. I want a live band. I want a full band.

Look, there's bands in different sections. This is one section of heaven where there's adhesions.

This section sucks.

No, it doesn't. It's right next to the milkshake volcano. It doesn't suck here. Yeah, that's scary.

And the milkshake is scalding hot.

Yeah. Well, I mean, to put it in the volcano, we had to get it super hot because you have a cold volcano. I guess we could have made it cold. Fuck. We? Nobody's here. I designed a whole section of heaven and no one's here because I play Justin Timberlake and Michael Jackson exclusively.

Bye. Bye buddy.

No. Jumps off a cloud, lands in purgatory. So what? So a king rarely sees it. So what? So let's go down a peg because God is a weird one because he's a fictional creature. He's basically a crypt.

Other people.

A cryptid. Poor people. Poor people.

You're on the right track, but it's but you're not you haven't really honed in on the right like a specific lane.

Oh, wait. So, God, I think I have I think I have a thread to tug on. Erin, God never sees the people who go to hell. Okay. Right. So maybe the king never sees his poorest people. So poor people go to hell.

And you guys see poor people every day. I see poor people. Get out of my house.

Oh, sorry.

I mean, I guess that's kind of, that could be considered a correct answer, but it's not the answer that we're looking for with this riddle.

And you said we see it almost every day or all the time.

We see it every day.

Is it something to do with our own reflection or our own face or our own Not necessarily our own reflection. Because I've been to Versailles and the mirrors there, like in olden days when they had mirrors, they sucked. Like they're not good mirrors. So even when I went through the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles, you can barely make out your own image because it's so gross.

And when you went through the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles, they were playing that classic Versailles song that was like... Okay, cool. Yeah, you were definitely in Versailles. And all the beers made you like real skinny lay and then like real squat. Yeah.

No, in Versailles, also, didn't Versailles write that song Open Gangnam Style?

That was Versailles, right?

It was Versailles. Thank you. Thank you so much. So, Erin, what do you think?

I don't know this riddle.

Is it like their own kids? God sent Jesus to go do whatever. Kings are like go to another city and win a battle against a dragon.

Hey God, can you be more specific about what you want me to do down there? I don't care. Just whatever. Ask your mom.

Ask your mom. Think about it. Think about it in terms of like the number of these things that exist. So we've got like God, King, and what we see every day.

The number of things? Yeah. So God is one, a king is one, we are many.

Yeah, we're on the right track. And equal. Yes.

Erin, you have got it exactly correct. I'm putting sweetener in my coffee right now.

All right, Erin, what do you got? Sweet Lo. Another... Anyways, you're welcome. I love you. You two are two kings of two different kingdoms in your meeting, and you're sort of sizing each other up because you don't meet another king every day.

Got it. Welcome to my palace. Please make yourself at home. I mean, don't sit in a throne, but anything else is fair game.

Sure, sure. Is this the entrance to the palace or this is the palace?

This is the 3A, and if we continue, we go into the 4A, and then the 5A, and the 6A.

6A, yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay. Great, awesome.

And I have to say, King Richard the Weaselheart, it is so nice to me. I've read your tales, or I've had them read to me during my bedtime, but your feats of strength, your domination of your country, just very impressive.

Dad, absolutely, absolutely. And by the way, King Mickey of Mouseland. Thank you. You, by all accounts, are an excellent administrator. Thank you. Your subjects love you, your enemies fear you, your castle's dope as hell. Well, Goofy designed it. I am, I mean you should definitely not have him killed. I love it. I love your whole vibe. A little bit parched from the trip. At my castle we kind of have like a full like spread waiting for visitors.

Just right this way in front of the den. And I've actually had flown in all the way from Thailand. This is a new beverage. It's called lemonade.

Hmm, lemonade. Okay, first things first. Gotta remove that ice. I'm not gonna be pissing off the poison all night, if you know what I'm saying. So, scoop that out.

The lemonade is poisoned. How did you know? Oh, no. How did you know I was trying to kill you to take over your territories?

It's legit, man. It's legit. I paid an assassin. I paid an assassin to kill you today. Goofy? Goofy, go ahead. Is that why you said don't kill Goofy? Goofy, reveal yourself? Goofy normal voice. Goofy normal voice, buddy. Not quite there. Try it. Try to get into it. Do you have a word? Should I go? There it is.

You drive a gorsh?

I just needed Erin to genetically say gorsh.

I actually had an interaction with Goofy yesterday.

Excuse me?

I really did.

Did you go to Disneyland?

I went to Disneyland. Did you really? Yeah, with my buddy Michael. That's amazing. And his friend Sam, who was so nice. I hadn't met her before, but she was lovely. And Sean. And we were in the Disneyland side. And what's that song from?

You're in Disneyland on the Disneyland side?

Well, it's confusing. I think they should call the whole thing Disneyland and call one side Magic Kingdom and the other side California Adventure.

Oh, I see. It's like two different parts.

No, Erin is talking about how she's normally in the side of the Republican Party, but she went over to the Disneyland side for just a second.

Which is also Republican, but it just does a better job at masking.

Yeah, the party of Dumbo.

Yeah, and then do you know the song from the Goofy movie? Oh, the um... I'm coming up. Well, the band in it.

Electric, what is it? What's their name?

We just talked about the electric ear split because of that episode. Shockwave? No. What's the name of that band?

Oh, the goofy one that goes like, I want to take you to a gay bar. Gay bar. Electric six, thanks. Electric Six, that's it. That's the movie where the girl has buttons for eyes, right? Yes.

It was Goofy and Pluto and a woman on stage dancing to that song and everyone was dancing. And then we were walking away and Sean was like, that wasn't the actual band power line. Goofy's not in that band. That's not right. They're doing it wrong. The cannon's wrong. And then we realized that Goofy was right behind us walking by. Hey, how are you? How have you been? I was a lot better till I heard that. Yeah, exactly. And so we were just... Goofy man, man, man, man, man, man.

Goofy was, I bet Goofy was absolutely fucking pissed off.

He was. He seems pretty pissed.

Well look, I think it's worth it that we maybe take a little break and give Goofy time to cool down.

Cut my gorsh into pieces. This is my last regorsh.

If you haven't heard the goofy evidence, you gotta go watch that. That is one of my favorite favorite covers of all times. I can't wake up. We'll be right back.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye. Hi Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe. And I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

That's actually perfect, Erin, because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erin Land, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erin Land, I'm just going to say what I think Erin Land is from what you're presenting.

Sure.

So right now it looks like Erin Land is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo. So it's a lot of goo. So are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store. We can sell your products online, whether it's physical like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might. Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes Fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just... No, you can do this.

You started so well. You're being very brave. Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips, they feel like butter in your ears.

All Adal wanted was eight hours of playtime and now he's gonna have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in.

I know and the way they did it when they held their hands out and they said we'll tell you when we stop and that their hands keep going and going and going so far out

So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back-to-school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wise. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume's 20% back on. Yes.

He's really buried himself in it.

We miss you, boy. Get medicine.

I did it all for the gorsh.

The gorsh.

Erin. I think it's because his energy is so jacked off that he I think the real, who really, I think Mickey's creepier. I think Mickey's the creepiest.

Yeah, that little voice, the little, the little like, hey, it's me, Mickey Mouse. Like that voice is like, yeah.

I mentioned it before on the podcast, but there's that, I can't remember what show it was, but some true crime show, they talk about the weepy voice killer who would like this. It was a serial killer who would kill someone and then call the police from a pay phone and be like, I tanned it again. I'm never going to go to heaven now. That's exactly how he talked. I hate it. Mickey's voice is one to one. So honestly, it might've been him.

I feel like Donald Duck always has piss on him. His feathers are pure yellow.

This is going to ruin a lot of people's childhoods and lives. I think we should quit while we're far behind, but I think you're right. Aaron, I'm going to piss a lot of people off right now.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. Daffy Duck, Superior Duck. Really? To who, Donald? Hands down. I've got three words for you, bitch. Huey, Dewey, and Louie. No, sucks. You can't tell them apart. What? They suck.

They all got different shirt colors. I have one word for you, Howard.

King. All right. Here's your next, Riddle. Here's your next.

No other podcast mentions the Howard Deeds scream as much as we do. No other podcast mentions the Howard Deeds scream as much as we do.

Hey Casey. Casey, right now I'm giving Casey a directive right now. Could you please get the Howard Dean scream? Go find an audio clip of it and put it on our soundboard.

Please Casey, we've been so good for so many episodes.

I do really want to see like any cartoon from Disney with Goofy in it and replace every garsh with... Yeah!

Have we done the thing where you replace the Wilhelm scream in every movie with the Howard Dean scream? Because that would be fucking...

Brilliant.

We should replace the Wilhelm scream with the Goofy scream because the Goofy scream is... You know in the part of Phantom of the Opera where he goes, sing for me, Angel of Music, and then she's like, I want someone to edit it, but it's just the Howardine scream.

Sing for me, Angel of Music. The best part about this bit is we never have to do any of this stuff. You've just done it in your mind, dear listener. We've helped you put that bit into your brain.

Here's your next riddle. That's the power of the imagination.

That's the Huey Lewis. Thank you. We've got to stop talking so I can talk. Huey Lewis and News. The three grandchildren of Scrooge McDuck. Huey, Dewis. No, he was nephew. Nephews? They were his nephews. They were hangers on. All they were doing is they were trying to write themselves into his will.

Huey Dewis and the Loose. Huey Dewis and the Loose. There we go. What is it that occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, and once in a million years?

That is the letter mmm.

That is the letter mmm. This next one is from 1924. I'm always alone, though in all sorts of weather, my brother and I go walking together, shot or unshot by fortune or whim, in Rome or the land, yet in water I swim. Without me, some men's understandings were not. Yet I cannot be said to assist them in thought. I am at home with all classes of people. I wean. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, supporting the beggar, upholding the queen. In some foreign countries, men cruelly beat me to punish my owner. In some lands, they eat me. I'm trodden on daily in markets I'm sold, though none would exchange me for silver or gold. Cocaine and salt. Cocaine and salt. See, people can sing all these fucking songs. Everyone can do it.

It's salt.

Is it salt and pepper? It is. That's such a good guess, but it is not salt and pepper.

I had it in my head the whole time that it was salt, so now I don't know.

I hate when I do that to you. Erin, I don't want to say that you're close with salt because you're not, but in a way, when we all look back at this at 100 years, we'll be like, she was pretty close with salt. Rocks. A pillar. No, it's not rocks. It's not a pillar and it's not rocks. That's really also not what it is. It's salted ice at all. We call water salt and ice always sad.

Okay, so salt is close. So who is in salt? Angelina Jolie. Who is John?

I gotta see a scene. I hate to break up your imminent style train of thought, but I have to see a scene. Adal, you are going to be running an ice cream truck, but all of your ice cream is not, you know, real ice cream, like things like salt and ice, and Erin and I are children trying to buy some real ice cream from you.

Hello? Ah, finally. Hi. Can I have a creamsicle, please? Sorry.

Hey, sorry. You said hi. You didn't let me respond. You didn't ask me how my day was.

Hi, how are you? I'm here with my little brother.

Hold on.

I'd like a creamsicle, please.

I'm going to cut you off. Oh. I'm doing well. How are you?

Was that so fucking hard?

Oh, no. You want creamsicles? I don't have creamsicles, but I do have bicycles. Bicycle ice cream. I ground up and I dismantled and ground up a bicycle and then I put it in ice cream. In every bite you get some bicycle.

So it's not like regular ice cream that's shaped like a bike?

Regular. It is regular ice cream because it's ice cream.

We just want something normal. Our mom gave us two dollars and said we can go buy one thing each.

Great, so two dollars will get you two scoops of paperback swirl.

Can we try a sample for us?

Yeah, for two dollars. For two fucking dollars you can try two scoops of samples.

But how will we know if we like it?

How will we know if we like it? Well, one, I hope you find your two fucking front teeth that you're missing.

Wow, excuse me, you can't talk to my little brother like that.

Is he missing two front teeth? I mean... I've said nothing wrong. I am missing two front teeth, but you did... There we go. You did make fun of me for it. Legally, I'm correct.

You know what? We'll wait for the next ice cream truck, sir. You don't have our business anymore. Back away from the truck. Tommy, come on. But I want ice crea- I know, I know, I know. We'll have to wait for another truck. This guy's weird. He looks a lot like our dad who left.

No, he's got a big mustache and a big beard. He looks- he doesn't look like our dad who left. Good point. Got a big fake looking mustache and a big fake looking beard.

I want you kids back.

We walked away, what are you saying?

I want you kids back. I'm behind you. I want you kids back. I sold my soul to the devil and now I'm everywhere at once. I can be anything and everyone. I can be anything and everyone. But you couldn't be a dad to us. Down here, you're stepping on me. I'm the grass. I want you kids back. Please kiss the grass. Kiss daddy. Kiss daddy grass.

You're gonna wait for the next dad. You don't have our business anymore. I've got some ice cream for you.

Honestly, I would try Paperbacks World. Paperbacks World sounds like if it was food, if it wasn't a book blended up into ice cream, but it had like the taste of paperback. I don't know what I'm saying at this point. At first I was like, I think I'd be into that, but now I'm like, actually, GPC, that maybe sounds like it is a book. It maybe sounds like if it tastes like a book, you're eating a book. It's a wet book. Yeah. But we had that, we had that Jenny's that was everything bagel and I said, you know what? I'm not going to like this, but it was very fucking good.

So fucking good. Okay. I tweeted about it and guess what? I ended up on the front page of the wall street journal because they interviewed me based off a tweet I made about Jenny's everything ice cream.

Is that true?

Yes.

If Ginny's came out with a paperback swirl, Adal, would you buy it?

100%.

Yeah, I would too. Unfortunately, I'd buy that. That sounds fucking great.

They can do no wrong.

Because I'm a bibliophile. I'm a bibliophile, which means I bibble my ice cream. Okay, enough jacking off. We have to get to this riddle solution. Do you guys want me to give you the riddle one more time?

We're on the salt one.

Give it to us one more time.

Without me some men's understandings were not, yet I cannot be said to assist them in thought. I'm at home with all classes of people I wean, supporting the beggar upholding the queen. In some foreign countries men cruelly beat me to punish my owner in some lands they eat me. I'm trodden on daily in markets I'm sold, though none would exchange me for silver or gold. Is it a lion? Wow, it's not a lion. What made you think lion there? Yeah, and water I swim?

Yeah. Like, remember in circuses when the guy would hold up the chair and he'd have a whip and he'd be like, sit on this chair. And then lion would not sit on the chair. And so he'd be like, look, it's a sturdy chair. Yeah. So I thought that holds up a queen. Are you just rhyming with my guess?

Bear. Can I tell you that this word, that is the answer to this riddle, it's a word. It has multiple meanings, and those multiple meanings are injected into this riddle.

So it's like a homonym or something?

Oh, I hate those.

A homophone?

Yeah, yeah. So it actually is a word that has two different spellings as well that could apply to all of these things.

Um, so one was like, people walk on me. So that would be like, dirt, land, sidewalk.

Yeah. So like sidewalk, but like, if you spell sidewalks slightly differently, it becomes another word.

Sidewalk, W-O-K, which is what you cook food in. Yeah. And that sustains the queen.

This is my sidewalk when I'm stepping out of my main squeeze walk, where I squeeze my limits.

Um, what, there's one part where it says we walk side by side and then there's, it's like shudder and shudder.

Yeah. So I'm always alone though, I'm always alone though in all sorts of weather, my brother and I go walking together.

And then what's the part after that?

Shot or unshod by fortune or wind.

Shot or unshod. What does that mean?

In Rome or the land, yet in water I swim.

What does shod and unshod mean?

I could tell you what shod or unshod meant, but I think I would be basically giving you the answer to the riddle. Is that like shod Michael?

Is that like shod Michael? Cause I'm super lost. I can't think of anything else.

Shod Michael Murray? Um, okay. Let's see. So that's one, that's, that's one whole spelling and definition of the word. Let me see if I can get you another one. Um, Oh God. Without me, some men's understandings were not, yet I cannot be said to assist them in thought. What is, how is not spelled? N-A-U-G-H-T. No. Nevermind. Okay, I'm at home with all classes of people. I wean supporting the beggar upholding the queen. So no matter who you are, if you're a person, you have one. Rice. A name. It's not a name. Nami. A voice. It's not a voice, but so think of this. It's something that all people have and then it's something where your brother and I go walking together. So walking is really important.

Kane. Walking boots, shoes.

A shoe or a boot would have this. No, not laces, not a foot.

Oh, that was a really hard riddle.

I deserve the treat.

He sent me half a cake. I don't want a full one, but I also just don't want just a piece.

I got a question for you, Erin.

What?

So you, I mean, you can't eat most cakes, but do you, because you have to eat a gluten-free cake, right? Do you ever go to the grocery store and see when they have like, they'll have like a quarter of a sheet cake just packaged there and just really want to go fucking to town on that bad boy?

I think about it all the time. Yeah, all the time. Especially now that my diet has become even more limited, I have true fantasies of food. I'm not okay.

I was at the grocery store today and I was making a beeline to the back of the store because I was there for two things. I was there for milk and eggs for breakfast because it was early in the morning and I wanted to make breakfast. So I'm making a beeline and then someone puts their cart out in front of me. Hey Riddle. 10 in the morning as soon as the store opened and just grab like a fucking cheesecake. Like do not buy a cheesecake right now. But my brain almost did because my body was just moving towards the cheesecake.

I went to Costco the other day, Erin, and I texted JPC and I was like, I'm going to Costco, do you need anything? And he replied back, Do not get me a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. Whatever the Costco version of the chocolate covered pretzels are. He goes, do not. And so I dropped them off a bag and I got myself one and they're fucking incredible.

That sounds so good.

They're so good.

Adal said, running to Costco if you need anything. And I said, Mariah keeps saying chocolate covered pretzels, but I think we're good. I said, she's always saying that anyway, I don't know where she gets this stuff. And then Adal said I couldn't find him and I said, you know what? Whatever. That's, you know, it's a roll of dice. It's Costco. And then maybe like 10 minutes later, he texted me a picture of it. He goes, I found him. And I said, well, fuck you. I do want to see a scene. So based on the answer. I have been needing them. I've been needing. I'm almost done with that.

Yeah.

Well, first of all, we do have to resolve something. Erin said something about half a cake. So we do have to resolve. She's going. She's going for. She's all. All. Okay, that's half a cake. Uh, and so I do want to see a scene based off Soul. J.P. Jesus Christ. There, you will find no God here. God is dead. He listened to episode one and it died. So, uh, JPC, you are, uh, this is like, olden days, uh, where kings and queens ruled the earth. It's olden days, like, discount medieval times? Exactly. Everything must go. So it's olden days, you are like a normal peasant dude, and, um, that, Erin, you are the devil, you have sh- showed up to this guy's house, or- or hut, and you are trying to get him to sell you his soul.

It's cold the winter. The winter's cold, huh? Who beckons at yonder door?

Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow?

Can I come in? Declare yourself, stranger. I know you're no cow, for no cow could possibly muster speech.

Are you sure? Because sometimes I can pick whatever body I want to be in and maybe... Open the door.

Let me open the- opens the door just a creek to see why I'll be.

I picked a cow. Let me in. It's cold out here. There's flies near my butt, which I like. I just want to share.

What strange matter of sorcery could... Yes, come in, cow. Come in. I could eat a cow. I'm very hungry. I haven't seen a cow in these parts.

So, seems like you're a little strapped for cash.

And I'm a little bit peckish. It's more like I'm tending to the land and my feudal lord demands 25% of what I. I don't need to explain feudalism to you right now.

No, I invented it. Okay. I invented most economic systems. Thank you very much.

I am very hungry. My belly is a quiver.

Well, I'm glad to know what might sway you. What about a bunch of quails, pheasants?

I'm sorry, did you say what might suede me?

No, you're thinking of me, a cow.

I thought you were making a cow putt, were you not?

I'm not that smart.

Oh, by the way, you just, you just make a cow putt on the floor right there.

Moo, you're welcome. So let me ask you a question.

Was Moo your welcome, a cow putt? Cause that one went over my head. So I'm just want to double back on that.

This is not going great for me. Okay.

My lord, welcome back. Have you obtained any souls?

No, not even one. I'm not good at this. I'm going to my room.

Wait, can I give you a small suggestion?

What?

Maybe go as a goat or a ram.

No, I don't think it makes that much of a difference.

I really think it does. I think people see cows and they see weakness. I think you can't take a talking cow seriously, but if you were a goat, you would have power. Your eyes and irises would be insane, untethered.

You think?

Whoa, you're back, you're back. What are you, some sort of... Knock knock. Half goat, half cow? You're already in.

Let me, hold on, I gotta go back. I blew it again!

What are you doing?

I don't know, I'm not good at this.

Just show up as yourself. You know how they always say be yourself?

Yeah.

You ever got you that sweater? What does it say?

Be yourself, and yourself is enough. Be on?

How's be spelled?

B-E-E, and there's a little be on it.

There's a little be on it, so go back.

I know.

Go back as yourself.

Okay, so you're back. You're still half cow, half goat, but now it's the other way.

Moo. Can I come in?

Moo. Can I come in? I got another riddle for you guys. I like this one. It's from 1864. I kind of like these types of riddles. What's that in the fire and not in the flame? What's that in the master and not in the dame? What's that in the courtier and not in the clown? What's that in the country and not in the town?

R.

The letter R. Are you going to the mall later, Erin? Are you Maltese?

Maybe.

I do like those. I think that those are kind of like simple riddles, but I always love the reading of them. I think they read very fun.

I agree. I like them.

Okay, so here's your last one for today, but I have plenty more of these. This is from a farmer's almanac from 1923. You ready for this? Yes. Oh, you know what I want? No, hold on. Verbal consent is what I need.

I'm ready for this riddle. Yeah, yeah.

My great grandma was a farmer, so we always had a copy of the Farmer's Almanac or she would have one at her place when we went to visit. And the one thing I remember that I learned from the Farmer's Almanac is that they allow a certain percentage of rats, rat hair, and bugs in ketchup. Thanks for watching! And of course I have.

Yeah, of course you have. Even though as a child is the last time in your life that you should be eating ketchup because it's baby food for babies.

And I'm in Chicago.

Yeah. When I moved to Chicago, I dumped all of my ketchup out into the river and turned it freaking green. A mustard is king. Yeah. Wet Italian beef with mustard, peppers, and onions. Chicago, baby.

All right. You've convinced me. I'm moving back.

Moo?

Arshonde. Okay, here we go. Riddle number nine. I don't know why I said that because it is numbered out of the sheet. Often we are covered with wisdom and wit and oft with a cloth where the dinner guests sit. In beauty around you and over your head we are countless though numbered when bound to be read. Curtain from 1923. Old-timey curtains.

Letters.

Didn't have curtains then. Hairs. Hairs on the head.

Can you read it one more time?

Yeah, so often we are covered with wisdom and wit, and oft with a cloth where the dinner guests sit. In beauty around you and over your head, we are countless, though numbered when bound to be read. Uh-oh. Is this fucking tables? Tables. It's not tables.

Oh, have you figured out who you are yet?

But it is something table adjacent and I'm not talking about a nightstand.

A chair?

A table leaf? It's a leave. A leaf. Leaves. It's leaves. Hey, you okay? You have white stuff on your nostril.

I thought about glue. I tried to. I tried to glue it shut. I thought about what I might... I thought about what might... Hold on.

Let's stop. You tried to glue your nostrils shut? I... Look at him. Of course you did. Buddy, hey, we make fun of you and we're annoyed by you, but you are worth something, okay?

I know what you're thinking. I wasn't trying to do that. I was trying to see... I don't know what I am. Am I a table? And then I was like, do I need to breathe?

You don't need to explain yourself to us. We get it. We get that you're having an identity.

I don't get it. Does that make sense? I know I'm the tabler, but like what is the tabler, you know?

You're currently half goat, half cow.

Oh boy. Okay, let's play some voicemails. Huh Casey, why don't you hit us with a voicemail? Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle, I wanna get calls on the voicemail and I'll hit play. Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle. I wanna get the calls on the voicemail. And I'll hit play.

And I'll hit play. Hi Naseem. Hi Veronica. Hi JPC. I'm calling to report a food crime I committed. I got Jenny's Everything Bagel Ice Cream. And I put spicy honey and pickled onions on it. And I ate more than two bites. I think I need to turn myself into the authorities, but I don't know where I should go. Please advise. Thank you.

Yeah, you're going to want to find the entrance to hell. You're going to want to high five the devil and then keep living your life, baby. You're cool by us.

That's some fucked pervert shit to throw those pickles in there, huh?

Here's what I'd say. With the hot honey, I'm still on board. With the pickles, I'm still on board. With the pickled onions, I might be out.

No, I think it's so wrong it's right. It's one of those situations.

If you put capers in it, you should go directly to hell. But without capers, the other stuff, I don't know. It's very good ice cream.

What about if you took that ice cream and you spread it on a bagel and ate it for breakfast? Could you do that? I'd try that. I would try that as well. No, that sounds horrible. All right, never mind. You did no food crime, no harm, no foul. I hope your stomach is great, but it sounds like you did a good job. And thank you for calling our number and it's fucking saying that.

Yeah, and check out the Wall Street Journal to read an article about me enjoying that ice cream.

That's a great plug for the Wall Street Journal. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can always leave that voicemail at 1-805-Riddle-1. That's 805-Riddle-1. Casey, do we have another one?

Is he being raptured? A description of what you guys look like since the beginning of the podcast. So maybe you could describe it and what we had it look like when we looked you guys up. But I am a big fan, so it would be great to see you guys after the show.

Okay, so I think he said we haven't described ourselves in a while. So I think we should each describe one another. So I'm going to describe Erin. This can't go wrong. Erin is, okay, let me turn down the lights here. Erin is a nice little eight foot two package of

I think we should go back to describing ourselves. I'll take over for you Adal, you're welcome.

Are you describing me or are you describing Adal?

I'm describing myself. I imagine the kind of beauty that inspires poetry or wars. Just so stunning that it's hard to look directly at me. I'm actually 5'8". I have auburnish hair, middle length that sort of just goes right past my shoulders. I have like gray hazel eyes. I have very like tired looking eyes, like little sad eyes. Precious moment doll. I look like a haunted doll. My very, very, very pale skin. And that's about my whole deal. JPC... Okay, how do you describe a snake?

Wait, hold on. Let me describe myself. You describe yourself. Okay, he's reading from Abraham Lincoln's biography. Uh, yeah.

No, that's me.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. But that's me. That's John Fitzwilliam Patrick Coan. Ooh, was that Pride and Prejudice? That was Mr. Darcy. Yes.

Hey, can I just say something so quick to you, JPC? Sure, Erin. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Mr. Darcy?

Erin, any description of you that doesn't start with eyes closed, you can kick right to the frickin' car.

Oh, fuck you. Adal.

Fuck you, Adal. I would describe myself as... I would describe myself as face down, ass up. That's the way I like to fuck. I would also describe myself as six foot four and full of muscle. I said, do you have a Vegemite sandwich? And he just smiles.

He doesn't know the words.

Adal, do it for real.

Do it for real.

I'm a little, uh, I'm a plaid little boy. How tall are you? I'm 6'2 on a good day when it's not raining. I have a beard, I have big pillowy lips, nice hazel eyes, a nice weird neck, and shoulders that go on for days. The rest of me is like a soft boiled egg.

5'11", brown eyes, brown hair, brown beard, jacked off energy. All right, Casey, do we have one more voicemail?

Hi, guys. This is Mephistopheles from Minnesota, a big fan of the show. I'm calling in because on Clue Clue Crew episode number 139, Welcome to Mississippi Shrimp Emoji, Erin said to call her when I could spell Massachusetts, so time stamps 10 minutes and 45 seconds. I'm delighted to say that after hours of hard work, I can in fact still Massachusetts and KPC has provided a delightful opportunity to call in and provide Erin with that information. I'm not actually going to spell it because those weren't the instructions provided, but text me back or whatever and I'll call again to spell it. Alright, that's all. Text me back. Hi guys, thanks for the entertainment.

Sir, if you had spelled it, you and I would be legally married right now, so thank god.

Those were not the instructions. It was just to call you and say when you can't spell it. So, Erin, you got the call. That's pretty good, right?

Fair enough, and that's just, I need to, I think I learned a little lesson today on how to choose my words more carefully. I'll start now. Fuck you.

Hey, Erin, if an uggo married a waffle, it would fucking fuck you, dude.

Then it would... Adal? Adal?

I have an almanac from 1912, and it says, this is law across America. Any farmer who can spell Massachusetts in front of a living woman immediately marries her.

And you know what? Let's go back.

Let's burn that fucking constitution down.

We're already going in that direction as a country, and that's a law I'd love to see resurfaced.

Okay, you know what? That's enough of our fucking bullshit for now. But we can do something very fun at the end of the show, which is a little something called Plugs. Adal, do you have anything that you would like the fine folks at home to know you're up to?

Oh boy. What have I been up to? I want to plug... What's the game we play? We're playing a game called Clank Acquisitions Associated Acquisitions Incorporated. Yeah, it's the Clank Legacy game. It's the Clank Legacy game. Boy oh boy, we're about four or five games in and we're having an absolute fucking blast. So if you have a group of friends that you like to play board games with, I highly recommend that game. We're having so much fun with it. I think it's a four player.

I think it's up to four player, I believe.

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's right. So I would say check that out if you have some board games going on. And again, I'm never gonna not say it. Quacks of Quiddlingburg.

So fun. Such a fun game.

Such a fun. If you want a one-off versus a legacy game. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

I would like to plug that Come D&D All of Season 1 is out right now for your binging pleasure. I think you'll enjoy it. I'm proud of it. JPC, anything to plug?

Dude, you know I gotta give up my plug today to Garrett the Fingarian. There are five-star review on Apple iTunes if you want to get your review featured on the show. In the plugs section, just go to Apple iTunes and write us about five-star review. This one's called- I think that's a Magic 10 reference. It could be, I think it- Fingarian. Garrett the Fingarian sounds. This is called Swan Lumps. J.P. Riddles was framed by the squirrels and their stupidly delectable piss. He's a good, honest man who has a no-good brother with a goody two-shoes wife. It's not his fault that the seductive nature of squirrels and their piss is something he cannot be helped by mortal men. Help save this man's reputation and listen to this whatever show with these three people. Thank you so much Garrett, the Fingarian. Thanks Garrett. Oh, and one real thing to plug. Next week, so the last week of July, if you're listening to this on the day that it comes out, will be my last full week of Twitch streaming for the indefinite future. I'm taking a little hiatus in August and it may extend after that, but that's Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. central time, twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman, so come and hang out and say what's up. And also if you want to listen to the JV podcast with fourth host of the show Janet Varney, I am on an episode that I believe comes out tomorrow or it may have come out next week or last week.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps on this JVC guesting.

And you can listen to the full Hey Riddle trilogy because Adal did an episode, Erin has done an episode, and now I have completed it. So go listen to our episodes on the JV Club podcast. It was very fun.

I had the best time there.

I had the second best time there. And I guess that leaves me with the super secret double first best time that I had. Oh, dang. Suckered. Hey, speaking of really fun times, Erin,

Jupiter! I care about you, you don't have to do this. Bye!

Hey, just wanted to leave a friendly suggestion. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. That's two riddles. It's season two. What if you guarantee that every episode has at least two riddles for season two? And then you can get two and be done with it and stuff. It's just so painful to watch you all do the whole pretense of being a riddle podcast.

Pretense can still make you pregnant. I have a question, Erin Keif. Okay, bye.

No, we're not going to do that. Thank you. Hey there, Falcons and those gloves that Falcons land on. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We are going to the Ren Fair with a special guest, Janet Varney. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash a Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. And you get those ad-free episodes. See you there.

That was a Headgum podcast.