Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a Headgum podcast.

This is Erin's? Mm-hmm.

So sit back, relax. Hands off episode, baby. This is all you, Erin. No. Can't wait to see what you cooked up soup flames style.

You have to help. You have to help.

I'll do dishes. Erin, I'll do dishes for the episode.

And I will sweep. Okay, fine. I'll sweep the episode under the rug afterwards.

Let's get started. Let's get started. So no one has an idea for the opening. Did everyone hear that silence at home? Did you hear it? We're including the silence. I said, let's get started. No one had an idea for an opening.

Well, to be fair, JBC and I were, I think we thought we were doing the opening.

Yeah, we did an opening and then Erin let a long pause happen and then said, let's get started. And so I guess all of it stays in.

History will remember differently. Hi, everybody. I don't know. Hey, hello. I'm Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin Keif. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. That's GPC and that's Adal. Hi, boys.

Hello. Hi. Hello, Erin. I would just like to go ahead and say I am JPC. I'm a legally distinct entity for purposes of taxes and assassinations. If you are trying to kill the podcast, it is like a hydra with three different heads and I'm a legally distinct head.

And my name is Adal Rifai and I can say no more information due to my lawyer trying to get me to protect myself because I blabbed too much. Oh, great.

This is going to go great.

You're a real blabbermouth, says your lawyer. Your lawyer's words.

My lawyer's words. Actually, my lawyer's kind of rude.

He's not even that good at the law either.

There's a rude patude. Erin, rude patude. What's up? Erin, can I ask you, since you've moved out to LA, what are the three best things?

about the world?

Fuck. Yeah, I think that that's a pretty, that's a pretty good, that's a pretty solid thing.

Mountains and tacos, camaraderie and mountains, and tacos, camaraderie too.

What are the three best things about Chicago?

Ugh. I mean, the weather's been insane. I don't know if that's a plus or a minus, but the weather, the weather's been absolutely crazy. Ooh, Chicago weather. Ooh, then Chicago weather. Uh, number two. Living so close to JPC. Mm-hmm. We're gonna have a little board game night today, and we're gonna miss you, Erin.

What are you gonna play? Starts to pack suitcase, rushes to the airport, refuses to be left out of anything.

Realize you only pack silverware.

I'm grateful, that's exactly what I mean.

We're gonna play Quacks of Quiddlingburg? Is that the name of it? Yeah. That's the name of it. That's the name of it. Japes and I. Very fun game.

Fun. Okay, well you guys have obviously nothing to fucking talk about, so I'll go ahead and say it. There is a full on war with the millipedes at my house. That is right. Me and the millipedes are at war. Oh no.

Millipedes are military grade peds?

Yeah, these are peds. These are peds with the full funding of the United States State Department and Pentagon behind them. Yeah, $700 billion budget on these, probably more than that, on these millipedes. Millipedes are not harmful in any way. And I did look up, because I have millipedes in my basement, and I was like, what are these millipedes doing in my basement? And one of the responses was, hey, if there's millipedes in your basement, these are outside bugs. They're probably lost. And I lost it at the fact that they were like, a bug could be lost.

That's so funny.

If a bug could be lost, then its whole life is being lost. Deborah? Deborah? There's no way a bug's not always lost.

I should not be walking on marble. Ah, this is not a good sign. Oh god, this is stainless steel. Let's get the fuck out of here, Janine.

Okay, I'm a bug. I should not be on stainless steel. You know the millipede turns to other millipedes and is like, guys, wow. Can I ask? GBC, is this like a house centipede? No. Silverfish situation? Because if you've ever, if you Google millipede, they look like snakes.

Like this is a true millipede? Millipedes are like, I think that there's like a difference between millipede and centipede with like the way that their leg joints work. But millipedes do kind of look more like snakes. They're very long and they're very, very slow. I have no problem with the millipedes. The millipedes and I, it doesn't need to come to blows me in the millipedes. We're all good being the millipedes, but they're very slow and they just crawl.

I'm very long and very slow, and I don't deserve to be killed in a basement.

They crawl. That's going to be your obituary.

Hey Riddle.

Hey Riddle.

Me and the house centipedes who I have no problem with as well. We have our little rule and you get two. I will throw you in a corner and the corner is where you get underneath the grout and that's where you go. I'll do that twice. If your ask pops out that third time, you're gone. You get two, I throw you in the corner. Those guys are cool because, and millipedes are the same, that they don't fuck with people and they don't bite you really. But those house centipedes, the way that they kill other bugs is they kick them to death with their legs. And I'm like, that's cool. I’ve The wild thing about every bug that I've ever come across in my house or apartment or home, you always see the bug, you Google it, and the first thing that it says is like, hey actually this bug is fine, and like there's no reason to kill this bug. With the exception of like a termite, they're like, okay the termite will eat your house, that maybe is wrong. But most bugs are like, this bug's actually great because it eats the other bugs. But if every bug eats the other bugs, eventually I'm just running like a bug buffet in my fucking house. We're all the bugs just coming and eating each other and sucking and fucking and like living it up. And it's like, eventually I have to say enough is enough, guys. You gotta do it somewhere else. You don't have to change the way that you are. I appreciate you, but you can't do it here. Closing time.

It's basically the song closing time. I love that you suck and fuck.

Do not hear.

Launder my roof.

I love to have the bugs sucking and fucking all day long, but they can't suck and fucking old JPC's Casa.

Great crazy story, JPC. I lost my rights this week. Big week for you. Big week for me.

Erin, you lost those last week. You absolutely have to pay up. But at the rate that things are going, you will have lost more rights on the week that this comes out. Of course. So that's good news.

But sorry about that millipede situation.

Can I tell you my favorite part about that ruling? My absolute favorite part about that ruling is one of the only Supreme Court rulings that they didn't leave the door open for was interracial marriage. So me, I'm still living it up large here at this house because as long as Clarence Thomas is married to a white lady, interracial marriage is still on the table. So I want to give a big Hey Riddle Riddle shout out to Mr. Clarence Thomas.

No, no, no, that horrible. Anyways, speaking of being trapped somewhere, do you want to start some riddles?

Yeah. Oh, that's right. That mysterious rich man trapped us in his basement. We have to answer riddles every Monday until we die.

Mysterious man. It's you, Adal. We know it's you. No, no, no. I'm the only one who talks to the rich, handsome. Podcast created by Adal Rifai.

No, no. I'm the only one who can go upstairs and talk to the very handsome, very tall, very muscular, rich, mysterious man. Very young as well.

We know you go up there, eat a yogurt, laugh about how you've trapped us here, and then you come back down.

No. Because you come back down here covered in yogurt.

What? Created by Adal Rifai.

You got to look into, get your Google machine out, you got to look into Go-Gurt, my man, because that's the yogurt for you. That's yogurt you can eat on the go, because right now what you're doing is you're going all over yourself yogurt-style.

TPC's Church History Millipede Centipede Go-Gurt.

Wait, hold on a minute. Point of contention, wouldn't yogurt on the go be yoga? I mean if you want to get sued, sure.

Uh, Yogo versus Gogurt is, is at this point, it's settled law. It's HD DVD versus, uh, Blu-ray, where it's just like, as soon as porn went to Gogurt, it all went the other way for it, so.

You go, Gogo, you Gogurt.

You go, Gogo, Gogurt.

You go, you go, Gogurt.

Hey, excuse me, man. What does your shirt mean? I don't know. I always write in Gogurt with the Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt.

You go, Gogurt, Gogurt.

I do want to give it up. Fajay, Chikabani, whatever that is.

Yoplay.

Yoplay, Gogurt. These all sound like names for sex rooms in a hotel or something. Oh, yeah.

Do you like to go to the Yoplay room? My wife and I want to get to the Gogurt room, if you don't mind.

So there's just a peek behind the kind of hotels that Adal is staying in. Do you have a Yoplay room? A sex room.

I'm going to go to the Greek yogurt room. It's to your left.

The room is yours. You can do with it as you please. If you want to fuck in there, I'm not some millipede. I'm not going to tell you where to suck and fuck. You can do whatever you want.

Exactly. Exactly. Erin, legally, you are old man puzzles today.

Fine, for now. Let's see how this goes.

Do you want to toss us some freaking hardballs?

Yeah, these riddles come from Sterling and Sterling said such nice things in their email and I will show it to you guys after we record. I thought these were really clever and a fun, creative concept. So, I've taken a number of fonts and typefaces that you might or might not be familiar with and rephrased them to be confusing and weird. See if you can figure out the fonts I mean. How familiar with fonts are you?

Not very. I know New Career and Helvechia, and I think that's Times New Roman? Times New Roman! Wingdings? These also sound like sex rooms. My man knows Wingdings, of course.

You gotta know Wingdings. What about Comic Sans? You know Comic Sans, right? Oh, I know Comic Sans. Wait, Adal, let me see if I can give you a hint for another one. I actually don't know if you said it. You guys are just burning through these.

All right, let's do these before, you know, you're perfect. The first one is a bell tied to a bird.

Bell tied to a bird. Now bell was famously in a mansion with a feather duster, which feathers come from birds. A bell tied to a bird would be a ring ding. Wing ding. A wing ding. Wing ding.

We said that one, huh?

Okay, good, good, good.

A freshly made hourglass from the historical Mediterranean.

Freshly made hourglass straight from the kitchen.

Now this one I think would be Times New Roman, right? Yep. Okay.

Is that fun?

Yes. That's very fun.

A stand-up comedian who suffered a loss.

Comic Sans. Can I get the pasta sans parmesan?

Hostashaw, I would like to see a scene. JPC, you are a stand-up comedian who just got terrible news right before they went on to the stage. And Adal, whenever you're ready, you can be a heckler.

He did... He did what? Welcome to the stage! Well, I gotta go up. Hey everybody!

That should mean you're just taking a sip of my drink.

First of all, I hate playing these fucking nowhere clubs. I just want to get on top of it. I'm going to be doing some comedy for you today, but I'm not that guy. I'm not the one that you all might be thinking of. That's completely different. I just heard about that guy and that guy seems like real bad news. Apparently still doing a lot of shows, like a lot of shows. Which is fucking wild to make.

Yeah, he's banned from the Faje factory, which is where you're at now.

Okay, uh, I'm sorry, so is it? It's Dracula. It's probably a room primarily full of draculas at a yogurt factory. And you told me to tailor my set to this, so... God, I really need this $500. I hope he does something on coffins.

I hope he does something on blood.

I can hear them. I didn't have anything on coffins or blood. So quick, the sun is coming up. I am getting the sun. I am getting the sunlight from the back of the room. How did I do baby? I killed all the draculas.

There's a bunch of draculas, not a bunch of vampires. There's a ton of draculas.

You were Sans Helsing. Sans Helsing. Sans means without. Yeah. It's like the foot of the text or something, right? Like the thing that like a serif is a flourish and sans serif is without the flourish, is that right?

No, a serif is in charge of a small town, specifically in the Wild West. ACAB, of course. Oh, Marsh Sheriff. Yeah, I only know sans as like the, I know in like restaurant terms of like a salad sans pecans. Oh, a salad sans pecans. A salad sans pecans. Hold on.

Can I have a salad sans pecans?

A salad sans pecans. A salad sans pecans. Children, a salad sans pecans.

A salad sans pecans.

A salad sans pecan.

So I know that as just like... A salad sans pecans. A salad sans pecans.

You go, go, go.

You go, go, go. We say 86.

Comic 86, Serif.

Oh yeah, 86 is like the diner term.

Yeah. So you know it from the restaurant term, but I know the diner term. Together we know a lot. You eat your eggs, I'll eat my foie gras.

A visit to the combination optometrist and OBGYN.

Uh, at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

And this is a fine, so it's a combination between, it's a, what is it? It's a podiatrist and OBGYN? Optometrist.

So I... So hi, doctor.

Uh, sorry, uh, optometrist, and what was the second one? OBGYN. OBGYN. Uh, Lenz vagina?

Wow! Da-da-da-da! Did I win? Yeah, we've been trying to get you to say Lenz vagina for 207 episodes, and he finally did it! JPC, why did he win?

I bet you're thinking, what's going on here? What's going on? Yep, that's me. I'm Len, and this is my vagina. It's like Charlie's Angels, Len's Vaginas. Uh, what did he win? He gets to spin the Wheel of Responsibilities. You have to call someone down on their birthday. Aw. Yeah, again, the Wheel of Responsibilities, not good, never want to have one of these responsibilities, but that's what you win.

So Adal's got Vagina Lens, which, I'd love to see that font.

That sounds insane. Vagina Lens? No, no, no. I said Len's Vagina.

I'm a part of it in my French.

I, baby. A font that is I, baby.

What do they do to you at the OBGYN? Pap snare. Pap.

Pap. Prika. Pap. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Lookie hoo-ha.

Lookie hoo-ha. No, no, no, no. Pap, you have, it's pap, and then something that's in your eye.

I'm sorry, I just want clarification for my knowledge. Pap iris. Is Adal closer with pap iris, or am I closer with lookie hoo-ha?

I'd say your equally is warm.

Hey, it's me, John Travolta.

Looky hoo-ha. Looky hoo-ha talking.

That's hard to say. Tap iris. I get it. That's fun.

Cartoon turtle dressed in black denim and chains.

Myrtlepunk. Goth Raphael.

A cartoon turtle dressed in chains and what else?

Dressed in black denim and chain. So gothic is something. It's like gothic. It's something gothic. It's also a founding father who invented the bi folk.

Benjamin. Other. Franklin gothic.

Franklin gothic. Yeah. Franklin gothic? JBC, your turtle dad. And Adal, you decided that you're going to change your style as his son. And now you want to dress like a goth. Um, you're on your way to the school bus and your dad's stopping you because he thinks that's not an appropriate way to dress.

Okay. Whoa, whoa. No, dad, fuck off. Slow down there, kiddo. I'm gonna be late, dad. Now's not the time. We're turtles. We're gonna be late. What are you wearing, Jamie? I'm wearing a new shirt by my favorite band. They're called Taking Back Sunday.

Well, I think you should taking that back to the store. Why don't you put on that nice red polo shirt that your dad got you.

I tried wearing that last week and I got my fucking shell kicked. Now, now, Jamie.

Put a dollar in the swear jar. Dad, are you on shrooms? I'm fucked up for sure.

Look, you both gotta go to work. I'm a rabbit. Zoom!

Ah, the hair always wins. Dad, it's not a race. It's getting to school.

Look, Jamie. You are a very special boy. You're half your mother and you're half me, your father. But you get to also be you. I just don't want to see you falling in with a crowd that doesn't actually represent you, my boy.

I can't listen to this. Let me put on my headphones. I chimed in. Haven't you heard of closing a goddamn door?

That's more like it. That's not taking back Sunday. Sure it is. No. That's Panic at the... And that's an older cut.

Wait. Wha? Dad, you listen to Panic at the Disco?

Oh no. I guess it's time for the truth to come out. Your dad wasn't always Mr. Turtle and another life he was Pete Wince.

And I got kicked in the head by a police horse at a parade. Then I married a rabbit, had a turtle ass kid, moved into this boot, and I live in a river. Huh. Let's put a terrapin in this and discuss further at home. I think that kind of means really kicking in. Oh, I hope so. Old Pete Wintz doesn't have much to live for anymore. Help, my dad's in a K-hole. Just the slow drip of ketamine. My dad's in a K-hole, help. Pete Wintz.

Perfect. The lines for a play about observing your surroundings before proceeding forward.

Script sight lines. What was the second part? Lines for a play script.

Uh, the lines for a play about observing your surroundings before proceeding forward. This one's really tough.

Um, script observations, script, script surroundings, script. Is script in the front half or back half?

Um, script is in the back half. So it's something script.

Something script. Man, I wish I knew fonts. Peripheral script.

You look around and then you... deduce. Move forward.

Oh, yeah. You check for cards.

Blank what I want to blank. See what I want to see.

Say what I want to say. Do what I want to do. Dance how I want to dance.

And then I go. It's Seego.

Seego script.

Seego script?

Seego script? Seego script?

Seego script? Yeah, you're not familiar?

Now hold on. It should have said what type of bird drinks Pepsi and explodes. It's Seego.

I want to see a quick scene here with Seagullscript. Erin, you are applying for a job. Adal, you are the interviewer for the job. This is at an internet startup. Erin, you are applying to be a programmer, and you have listed a bunch of programming languages on your resume that you don't actually know anything about. And Adal, you are just asking Erin to explain her experience with these programming languages.

Okay, so we're really excited to get to know some people who want to work at Flashback. I'm taking a look over your resume here. I see you know Python, C++, Southern French. It says also here, you know Cartwheel Plus and ABCDs.

Yeah, of course. I'm proficient to expert in all of those.

Oh, okay. Can you talk me through Cartwheel Plus?

Yeah, of course. I mean, obviously it's a program that takes your business numbers and turns them upside down and then writes it up again.

Oh, that's, for flashback, that's exactly what we need. So we will, if hired, I want to say if hired, we will probably put you in the programming department. That sounds pretty good.

And that's probably the end of your questions, right?

No, no, no. I have a few more. So it says one of the programs, you know, here it says Microsoft Excel. It also says holding an egg in your mouth for two minutes.

Um, yep.

Is that, is that just a special skill or is that also programming?

Uh, it's both. Um, so I can hold an egg in my mouth. Um, and also... For two minutes. For two minutes. And also, it's... Sorry, can I just... Uh, I just need to just step out really quick. Give me one second.

Oh, before you go, um, it also says yoga-amming. Yeah, totally. Is that like yoga programming?

Totally. One sec. Hey, um, sorry. Dad. Um, you know this resume you made for me? Cause you want me to move out of the house. Yeah. And you want me to get a job? Sure. Uh, none of this makes a lick of sense. I didn’t read it before.

I didn’t work for Microsoft for 45 years with things that made a lick of sense. We were building the future, Kennedy. We were building the future.

What’s the yogurt one and what’s the egg one? What do they do?

I was in a pretty deep K-hole when I wrote this, but just tell them it's a programming thing, okay?

It's a programming thing. Sorry, you're outside the room. Can you come back in?

You got to go back in there and your dad is going to keep sweeping.

It's a programming thing.

Oh, great. And what does that do? What kind of programming? How is this helpful? How is this?

Behind you! Huh? Picks up cup from your desk, throws it right at your face. Diversion! Did I get the job?

No, you broke my nose. Janitor? Janitor? Yes, yes. Can you clean up this mess and please escort this young person out the door? To her new desk? No, out the door.

Oh, out the door of this office.

Why are you taking out your pocket watch and letting it sway back and forth in front of my mouth?

Out of the door of this office to her new desk in the bullpen with the rest of the programmers. I didn't work as a magician at Microsoft for 45 years. No, you don't say this part. I don't say this part. Oh no, come on.

Be serious.

A janitor who's a magician.

Alright, well, that's gonna be on your TV soon enough everybody. A couple more before break. A darkly colored crayon granted the power of flight.

A darkly colored crayon? Darkly colored brown?

It feels like this one wants you to say gothic again.

You got black.

Okay, black with the ability to fly? Oh, black we're seeing in the dead of night.

Take these broken wings and... Wait, Black Ariel?

Ariel Black.

Ariel Black. Oh, that's where she's like... Some punk rock.

Yeah, just early 2000s. Lots of drums. Sure. Punk rock? I was going for metal.

All right. Did I sound punk rock? It got a little confused somewhere in there, punk rock and metal. Oh, man. The world's meshed a little bit, especially with Avril Lavigne and Ariel Black and all those others.

She left me roses by the stairs, digger, digger, to the surprise of the minute she cares.

Jig-a-doo-doo-dah, I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. I wanna rock. Fun with numbers at the time when multi-celled life was first becoming prolific on Earth.

Counting crows.

Fun with numbers at the time when multi-celled life was first becoming prolific on Earth.

Math evolution. Addition primordial soup?

You got it. The classic font.

No. Can I play a new character called Font Dracula? Yeah, Font Dracula. Ah!

Helvechia! Was that fun?

I love it.

Yeah, I like that. I like that. Count? Is count part of it?

No. Fine with numbers. It's the name of a class where you would talk about numbers.

Math.

So that's the second half of it.

Okay. Something math. And then the first half was back to an era in time when lizards were fish.

Uh, yeah, it's something like that. Like Paleolithic math or something like that.

Oh, Pangea math is a great pop punk metal band name.

Oh yeah, Pangea math.

My fucking dad is all on my ass and I don't know how to relate to my dad.

I'm unfamiliar with this, so I don't know if you guys are going to get it. It's the Cambrian period.

Oh, Cambrian in Australia. The Australian period, yes. Great cheese.

Well, we're going to go on the fastest little break. It's going to be so quick. See you back in the second. I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Well, and we're back.

I said we're back mid-yawn. Oh my god.

Why don't we take that one again? Mid-yawning to you.

And we're back. Take two. And we're back. How was everyone's break? What did you do?

It was so quick I didn't have time to wash my hands. What did you do?

Went to Maine to Acadia.

Oh, sounds amazing.

So a great little break.

Sounds good.

And I could continue recording as long again as I don't touch anything because Adal has gone for, I don't know, eight days? Nine days? I guess eight days, nine nights? And I didn't wash my hands that time.

Gross. Good. Glad that I asked.

Okay. I guess I'll start judging you on every little thing that you do in your life.

Every little thing I do is magic. What are you looking at?

Looks like Erin left a salt shaker on the fucking counter, so how about that? Also, no paper towels in that paper towel roll. Wow.

Stop looking! Stop it!

I'm clean. I'm clean.

I just ran out.

Erin, I gotta say, even though I didn't know a lot of them, big fan of those font riddles. Please keep those bespoke, unique, home-crafted, homemade Etsy-style riddles coming. Please send them to hrrpodcast at gmail.com because the Lord knows we need them.

And Joel did just that. Joel wrote some limerick riddles if you want to try to do those. Or we could just sit here in silence for the next 30 minutes.

What are you guys saying?

Bottle of white. Bottle of white. Okay.

No, no, I would love to hear Joel's Limerick Riddles. No, I gotta say, these aren't gonna be fucking filthy dirty limericks, are they? I hope not.

And also Bottle Red, Bottle of White, you're having steak and fish? What are we doing?

I don't want to hear, I don't want to hear any riddles that have like blowing loads of chunky cum or whatever. What else do you not want to hear?

Um, like... Doing like a filthy, miserable, sticky f***. I don't want to hear that. Yeah, bidding over to Luka Tummy. What else? I don't want to hear... Doing the splits and f***ing. Doing the splits and f***ing I don't... Well... Splits and f***ing.

Honestly, if the answer is doing the splits and f***ing, I wouldn't be mad. That one's context dependent. Because that's not necessarily filthy.

Doing the splits and pissing.

I don’t want to hear a riddle about someone slapping their wet calves on someone's sticky, slicky shoulder blades, though. Oh, yeah. That's not my type of riddle. Yeah. I could do with half of that.

Casey's going to have so much fun bleeping these however he sees it. Yes? Great. Here we go. You'd say I'm awfully thin and many chuck me in the bin. The lines on my face might help keep your place against me. Dwayne Johnson can't win.

The Rock.

Which is so funny.

Yeah, it's very funny. Is this a full answer or is this like a pun?

No, it's just not a pun. It's just a regular.

I got a dead stop by Adal on this one because he asked, is this a full answer or a pun? So I got to ask you, what is a full answer to a riddle in your mind?

I love when I don't get dead stopped and someone else does. I just sit here and read my magazine and look over.

Like a riddle will be a half an answer and it'll be like, well the answer is a bleh.

Well, typically we can just kind of shout out bullshit stuff, but a full answer is when I have to like really exert mental power and sort of go in my mind palace and go in the laboratory and concoct a special chemical that releases an answer that I have to then put to words and pronounce

This is going to be one of those riddles where I can clock out for the last 75% of the riddle and say echo and still have a 50-50 chance of getting it, right?

Yep. All I'm going for anytime I yell something is for Erin to go close. Shadow, egg, cloud, the color blue. Erin, is it paper?

It is paper.

Pels, yeah.

You got it.

The 25th anniversary. Oh, yes. Oh, 25. No, I think it's like the three. Yeah.

Hold on. Could anyone possibly ever know what the actual numbers behind the series are?

I got it. Oh, damn it. The two of you are a couple. You're celebrating your 25th anniversary and you each got gifts that were maybe not appropriate for the year. Got it.

Wow. What a wonderful evening. I mean, this has been so, so special.

Yeah, the champagne was such a nice touch. And oh my God, you hired a personal chef. This is just beautiful. Should we?

And the carriage ride around the block. I mean, you said, hey, would you mind going outside and picking something up? And then the carriage right there. And it was just what? And the horses had almost no smell.

Oh, babe, that's so sweet. Should we exchange gifts? What are we doing?

Yes, and I have your gift in the kitchen. And I have your gift right here. Okay, give me one moment and... Monsieur, is there a problem with the entree?

Shut up, just sit down.

Leave actually. Am I being taken hostage? No, we're done eating. You being around this long... Don't phew. Just get out, okay?

I always want to see a smile on my customer's faces.

We did a whole Carrot ride and then we came back and you were still here, cleaning up. And I will stay here until I see one of you rub your tummy and say, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum

You look a lot like the zinc supplements I bought that were on the counter.

I don’t zinc so. Okay.

Get this man out of our house.

Me, me. You hired him. You get him out of our house. You did hire him, right?

No, you hired him. I said you hired a personal chef.

Everyone on the floor.

I got you divorce papers. That was my gift, divorce papers.

Hops on a horse, floats into the moon.

I knew there was no such thing as a grilled cheese cordon bleu.

Did you see that man float into the moon?

The guy, the processor that sticks around for three hours makes you a full dinner and that is like you've been served.

Best of the biz. Best of the biz. I serve one person a day with papers.

The title of this episode is definitely I Don’t Zinc So. I don’t think so.

If you had to tell me, what do you think the 25th anniversary gift is? It's something that we won't have to worry about for a long time. Onks? Onks? Onks? Oh, I thought you meant like an onk, like an Egyptian religious symbol.

Onyx, or Obsidian, or... Oh, is it... Oh, wires!

Yay, man, what happened?

25th! That's a Drew Bloodsoe jersey, right? That's the Drew Bloodsoe jersey.

That's also what a doctor says when they made an accident. I drew blood, so... You have to sign these papers.

So are you mad at me?

Are you mad at me? Thanks for watching!

36 is a big aquarium. That's my favorite one.

God, two big aquariums. Maybe it's gold? Could be gold for 25. Rose gold.

Is no one going to Google it?

No, I'm not going to Google it. I know that 12th is Kevin Eubanks' laugh. That is the 12th.

So it's forced laughter? Oh, it's not gold, but it's clothes.

It's the silver anniversary.

It's silver. I can't believe. Can you imagine? I think 50 is diamond. Can you imagine going for 25 years, which is a huge accomplishment nowadays in marriage? Yeah, big accomplishment. And only getting silver, which is second place. Gold is 50, Erin. I'm sorry, you're right. I think it's diamond 75. I think diamond 75. Wait, did you think that my voice was Erin's voice? Wait, what did I say?

Do you think our voices are that similar, Adal? We have to get back to Riddles.

JPC, hold on. There's two Dracula's. Which one do I shoot?

Neither.

You have to use a steak.

With four, it's no problem and you're fine. With three, not as safe, not as safe a design. With two, please be careful. With one, you're so dareful. With zero, just sit still and whine. And they know that you're both. The wheels. Yes! You're amazing.

Oh, the wheel in the car keeps on turning.

Tickle my teeth oh so gentle. The space is between accidental. If you bang on a string, the cool cats will swing and cold heart become sentimental.

Did you guys ever have a tickle me teeth Elmo?

It's an Elmo with super sharp teeth that you have to try to tickle before it bites you.

Can you read that one more time, Erin?

Tickle my teeth oh so gentle. The space is between accidental. If you bang on a string, the cool cats will swing. And cold hearts become sentimental.

I want to say floss. So this is clearly, is it like a mouth harp or a... I was going to say a harmonica? It's some sort of musical instrument.

Totally. What are the... Bang on a string.

But what... Your mouth and a string?

No, you're using your... There's no mouth in it. To pull my teeth, I'm so gentle. Oh, an accordion. Yeah, it's a piano.

It's an accordion. The mobile piano. Also called Weird Al's piano.

Steel arms reach out from a concrete plane, mirrored fingers reflecting the rising sun, humanity-like blood cells pulse and flow inside, knives stabbing the clouds. I do want to see a scene. So the two of you are architects. Erin you are the lead architect.

And you are showing JPC your plans for a building that you want to build in a city. But you're very poetic. You're very sort of good with words. So the way you're describing the building is almost as if it's some sort of ancient poem or something.

Glamour. Personhood. A little bit of luck. And a little bit of glass. Why do we look down when we could look up? Hi. I'm Claire, and I design buildings.

Next slide. I'm sorry, are you on a call? I can come back, are you?

Oh no, I'm talking to you.

We're talking, you're talking to me. Okay. Yeah, we've been a bunch of times. We thought I was on a call. No, we just, you just introduce yourself. We've been a bunch of times. I'm Rory.

Glamour. Personhood. Sure. I'm Claire. You're not, I make buildings.

Yeah. Yeah.

We want... next slide. We want people... Should I be hitting next slide? Yeah.

There's not even... there's not a computer open in this room.

Next slide.

Okay. Okay. Sure.

I want to design something so beautiful that it will inspire people to stop, even if they're on their way to work.

Yeah.

A building's not just a building. It's also... a skyscraper, which is also a place where smaller rooms. Next slide.

Next slide. I don't know. I'm just hitting the desk. I'm just tapping the desk.

Hey Frank on the call here. I'm loving the pitch so far. I do want to remind the two of you that this is for a Best Buy. Great. Our budget is basically to repurpose a Circuit City.

Yeah, I just can't understand. Innovation. We just have a big, we just have a big delivery of steel and concrete and they just asked me to come and ask you where to put it.

Oh. Dreaming big and coming together as a community. Next slide.

In the pit?

I don't, in the pit? Yeah, just put them in the pit. Frank, I'm sorry, you're for Best Buy Corporate?

No one's ever fallen in love with a building until now.

I see. Erin, that was almost, if I close my eyes, that was basically lifted from Mad Men. You were a very good pitch artist.

You were very channeling your inner Don Dropper.

Well, I look like him, so why not?

That's true.

My name is John Rifai, and I don’t care.

I'm Bill Murray's brother, and I pursed my parents. I'm Bill Murray's brother, George Murray, and I pursed my parents.

You've bunched your parents?

I don't know! I give you the setup and you give me the punny answer, Adal.

You're built for this. Is this by the same person?

JPC are also here.

Limericks?

Yeah, same person.

Thank you, person. This is fantastic. Did we say their name or we didn't? Joel, thank you so much, Joel.

Yeah, they're all Joel, which we can only assume is Bill Murray's brother.

Billy Joel? Joel Murray, who I think is the actor who was in Mad Men.

I want to piss his pants, right?

Oh, yeah. He was actually pissed his pants, I believe, a character on the show. But he wasn't doing the splits, so we're protected.

A crime-solving swamp-dwelling lizard from Florida in a waistcoat should be called A crime-solving swamp-dwelling lizard from Florida in a waistcoat should be called... So an alligator belt?

No. So an alligator is definitely Florida. Would it be a scruff-ma-gator?

It's something gator.

Sherlock Gator. Sherlock Jobs. What's a waistcoat?

It's like, if I say it...

Hey Riddle Riddle. Eyewitness.

Yeah, isn't that fun?

A little eye. A little eye.

Yeah, isn't that hilarious?

I love this. Holy shit, Joel. Can we give Joel my personal number?

Yes, I already did.

And sent. My pun hotline, my direct, if you have puns, send them immediately. No time is bad.

When I threw away my dad's newspaper, Puzzy, he said some... Horrible shit.

He said some breaking news. When I threw in my dad's newspaper puzzle, oh, he was a cross stick with me?

He used some sudoku words.

He screamed at a fucking family circus?

No. You had it.

You kind of... Oh, he used some crosswords with it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice. There we go.

The knight who was the largest when measured around the waist was known as... Big Knight.

Big Knight Daniels. The good knight.

When you measure a circle.

Circumference. Circumference! I would like to see a scene. Well, hold on. Erin, before we see the scene, which I definitely want to see, JBC and I asked very nicely. We pleaded with you. Pleaded. No gross fucking answers. Now, if you take the frince off this answer, what do you have? JBC?

Well, you have circum, Erin, and I don't think that that's very nice to hear a person say. I don't actually like the way that that sounds, and I didn't love saying it.

And despite your circum... despite your circum size, whether you be large or small, you are still circum, and nobody wants to be knighted by a circum.

I would like to see a scene. I take that stance. GBC, you are Sir Cum. And what is like a knight's like sidekick, what are they called? A squire. A squire. Couldn't think of the word squire. And Adal, you're his squire. Excuse me, sir.

Yes, squire.

Must I address you by your full name?

Uh, Jerry's fine.

Oh, thank God. Jerry, I want to be a knight as brave and as bold as you. I also want to be a hedge knight, which is a knight that curls up into a ball and runs real fast.

Yes, but hedge knights also have to protect their coins, pets by pouch.

Oh yes.

And you'll never get coins unless you take on some of the big game. Everyone knows that in order to become a knight, come closer Squire, come closer.

Wait, is come closer your catchphrase?

It is, yes.

So come closer?

I don't like shouting. So I say come closer.

Yes, whisper in me ear.

In order to become a knight, you have to get your knightly name. And you have to get your knightly name from defeating a creature. Like take Sir Dragonheart, for instance.

Yes, I heard he slayed a dragon by lancing it through the heart. Which I prefer to joey it through the heart, but that's just me. Or to take Sir Kingkiller for instance. Yes, he's the knight who finished all two of Patrick Rothfuss' books.

What a feat. Still waiting for the third. Keep waiting Sir Kingkiller. Keep waiting. Well, I do.

No, never mind. That's a rude question. What is it, squire?

You're my squire, I'm an open book.

Well, I used to be the town crier, now I'm a squire, so I think let me up.

No, I'm the town crier.

Shut up, John. I want to know.

John's always dropping his pencils all over the floor. Oh, yes. Just pick up the pencils, John. Just pick it up. Solve your own problems.

Sir, I want to know, what did you defeat to get the name? So come.

Well, it's not really what I defeated. Oh. But it's what I entreated. And let's just say I helped the queen with a very specific issue that she was having.

Do tell.

I f***ed her, man. Come on. Keep up. I f***ed your f***ing brains out, dude. What are you talking about?

Is that why the prince is your doppelganger? Yeah.

Zinc, zinc, zinc. So, thank you Joel for those. Thank you Joel.

You absolutely rock. Those were amazing.

I would love to play a voicemail.

Oh, baby. All right. If Erin wants to do it, let's hit it.

Hey, long time listener, first time caller. Love you all. I just wanted to hit you with a fact here. Did you know that nearly a third of the times that the word banana is mentioned in the comic Garfield was in 1990? This is a comic that has been running since 1978 and yet nearly a third of all the times the word banana has been said in the comic is in the year 1990. It doesn't make any sense. 1978 is nothing sense. And a third of them are in 1990. Answer for your crimes, Jim Davis. All right. Love the show. Thanks. Bye.

Interesting. So a voicemail from someone obviously in a K-hole. We could not have known that earlier when we did that scene. Nope. Well, I learned a thing or two. I learned a thing. I wouldn't say or two. I learned a thing.

I think I learned that same thing a couple of times. I think I learned it a couple of times in that voicemail. I'll say that.

I mean, next time I'm at a party and somebody's wearing a Garfield sweatshirt or eating lasagna, I will definitely bring up this tidbit.

First of all, if you are gonna talk shit about my parties with your little sub tweets, just don't come. Because you saw the invitation, you saw it was a Garfield sweater at a lasagna party, and you chose to come and make fun of the people who were there. That's on you. You think you're a Garfield? You're a Nirmal. And if you think you're a Nirmal, you're a John. And if you think you're a John, you're right.

Uh, you. We've gotten hundreds of voicemails and you didn't pick one where someone gave us a riddle. Interesting.

Well, that was a bit of a riddle. I picked one that I thought that you would all like and so that's the riddle. You didn't say, give me a voicemail with a riddle in it.

Can I have a voicemail with a riddle in it or is it way too late?

I'd like to say that I did a little research on this one and I found that in 1990 was the introduction of a Garfield character called Banana Man. So yeah, no shit he said banana a bunch of times in 1990 because Banana Man never came back after that year.

I do for some reason in my mind's eye, I can see John wearing a banana outfit. Maybe that was a thing? I will say recently on Magic Tavern's Patreon we recorded a thing where we in character went through a whole book of Garfield comics and I gotta say as a kid I thought I liked Garfield. It's very bad. A lot of it is three panels. The first panel is like Garfield smiling. The next panel is like Garfield killing Odie. And then the third panel is like John being like, come on man. And it's not funny. None of it is funny.

Hey Riddle.

Awful, and I feel like I still feel like Farside holds up and I still feel like Calvin and Hobbs holds up, but the rest of it I think is very bad.

What's the one that's like the cat or something that... Heathcliff? Is it Heathcliff? There's one of them that like the guy who did it died and then like gave it to his son to do and his son just does like... Oh weird. They're just like, I think it might be Heathcliff and I think it might just be like random fucking non sequiturs that he's just like, why not put this into the thing? No one's looking at these anyway. But I could be wrong about it being Heathcliff. And I'm not too sure about Jim Davis, but I do know that, what's the one, what's the, I don't remember, Scott Adams. Scott Adams, the Dilbert guy.

Oh, he's a piece of shit, right?

Yeah, he's a full-on piece of shit, so I don't know if the same thing became of the Garfield guy. But after knowing that about Scott Adams, I am always worried of this cartoonist. He probably crazy. He probably fully drove himself crazy.

He probably went to prom with an ostrich.

It is Heathcliff.

It looks like... Hey, what's wrong with going to prom with an ostrich? Oh shit, answer. I'm so sorry, I forgot. I forgot. Last what my date did, went to a prom with an ostrich. I'm the ostrich.

I'll describe you this Heathcliff cartoon. It is a woman sitting on a chair and Heathcliff is holding up a puppet of Heathcliff to the woman and it just says, puppet Heathcliff likes you. And that's the whole cartoon. Hey, it's just whatever you want, right? Like that's Heathcliff.

Maybe that's a reference to something.

Couldn't possibly be. What could it be a reference to? So I do want to say I full throat and endorse of Heathcliff, but caller, you forgot to say your name, you forgot to say if you liked the podcast, and you forgot to say if you were even submitting it to the right podcast, but we agree with you, Jim Davis did something weird in the 90s. Get bananas out of your brain, Jim Davis.

Well, that was such a good voicemail choice. We all learned a thing and we're feeling better for it.

Oh, Erin, I'm getting a word that we have time for one more voicemail.

Hey, long time listener, first time caller. Love you all. This is the same guy. This came about nearly a third of the time with the word banana. He might have just repeated himself and then he changes at the end. This is a comic that has been running since 1978, yet nearly a third of all the time's work of banana has been said in the comic. Nope. Same one. Casey, stop. It's the same one.

Do we know? Do we know for a fact that, okay, well, I guess it may have been the same one. It's also going to probably be one of those things where we're never really going to know the truth. Was it the same one? It's really just impossible to tell.

I have my best people on it. We'll have an answer.

If you have a Garfield fact that you want to submit to the show, you can always do that by calling 805Riddle1. That number again is 805Riddle1. Hey Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

You startled me. I'm sorry about that. I would say, what's something I want to plug? If you're watching TV and there's a commercial break, do 10 push-ups. I don't fucking know. I don’t fuckin' know. I'm not gonna play your game.

Yeah, so wait. You weren't prepared for the question that comes at the end of every single episode.

Okay, hold on. Well, I will say I haven't played it yet, but Anthony Burch recommended a video game to me called Neon White, I believe. Okay. Neon White. So check out Neon White. It's Anthony Burch approved. And I also hear through the grapevine and the California grapes themselves that the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game is supposed to be really fun. I think it's called Shredder's Revenge or something.

It's like arcade style, right?

Yeah, it's like a throwback to the 90s arcade. So I'm probably going to check out those two games in the next week or so. I'm going to go ahead and say they're probably great. So play them now and we can check in next week.

Erin calling his shot.

Babe Ruth and Erin, do you have anything to plug?

I would plug, I saw Marcel the Shell movie. I think it might just be out in New York and California, but it has a wide release soon. And I really loved it. I think it was great. So if you need a little pick me up in the world, do that. Also, if you're looking for anywhere to donate, based off of all of the nightmares in the world right now, reach out to me on Instagram and I have a running list of places. If you want to do something. JBC, anything to plug?

Yeah, we got a five-star review. If you want to get your five-star review featured, just go to Apple iTunes, make an account or whatever you do over there, and then submit a five-star review, and we will read it potentially on the show. This one comes from that one other guy, says my favorite actual play podcast. What a game! If you're a fan of Rood Tales of Magic or not another D&D podcast, you'll love this kooky take-on tabletop audio play from the mind of silent DM Casey Tony. Fan favorite characters Adal, Erin, and Lil Monkey Bones explore a land of riddles and puzzles after being cursed by the shadowy Quizmaster, Japacy. Along the way, they befriend lovable companions like Uncle Santa and Erin's ripples of sweater, journeying ever closer to the mysterious Riddle Court, where their curse may yet be broken. But beware, adventurers, for is not an answer merely a question and masquerade? Listen on, dear child, and find out. Thank you that one other guy. What a fantastic review. I don't necessarily know if that's the way the podcast is structured, but good enough for me. You got most of the stuff right.

We should make an RPG.

That sounded very exciting.

I'm sorry, TTPG? PG-13 movie? No, no, no. I totally agree. We should make a rocket-propelled, and then we should go to the houses, the houses of sitting, I'm

Uh, let's see here. One of my, one of the dirtiest answers you could ever say, um, involves a certain sort of out of this world, um, component in the solar system. Starts with a J and an R. No.

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

You go, go, go, go, go, go. You go.

Starting here in Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Tony could be editing. Have already perished in the music.

Hey there Chats in Box. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another classic Chatterbox episode which means we're answering your prompts. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. See you there!