Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Just wanted to drop by the table and ask how everything was or are we thinking to go boxes or would we like to see a dessert menu?

We haven't gotten our food yet.

Yes, we have not gotten our food yet.

It might look like our plates are clean because we loved it so much, but we in fact just haven't gotten our food.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did someone? I'm sorry, it's a little hectic today and in the kitchen with a little miscommunication. Did someone drop off these plates with little bits of food on them onto your table?

When we sat down it was like this. It was like this. And hey, listen, we made a reservation here for Restaurant Chaos, so we were expecting some amount of tomfoolery, but to be honest, we're a little bit displeased and we... It's our anniversary. It's our anniversary and we might yelp about this. I don't want to threaten you, but we do have the power of yelp.

Thank you, honey. Again, I am so sorry. That's unacceptable. We should never have sat you at a table that was dirty like this. The restaurant does come equipped with security cameras though, so we didn't know that. We can check just to make sure that your evening is going the way that you describe it. No need. No need. We'll be leaving. No, no. No, no, no, no. You sit down.

You sit down. How are you doing that?

It's a pressure point. We don't want to take up too much of your time. We'll just take a free meal, maybe a second meal to go. Just to get out of your hair. We don't want to make a fuss.

Yeah, even those, what are those Bed Bath and Beyond coupons? What are those called? Coupons. Those big, no, no, no. The big, it's like a big mailing thing. It's like 10% off Bed Bath and Beyond. A mailer. A mailer? No, it's like a big mailer coupon. Mailer coupon. Coupon.

Coupon. Do I always talk like that, honey? Coupon. Did I say coupon first and maybe that's, I'm rubbing a... Coupon.

Coupon. Let me tell you how this is gonna work. Great coupon. We'll get out of here.

Let me tell you how this is going to work. We're backing out the door. I have a very particular set of skills.

We're outside the restaurant.

A very good host of a restaurant. It's okay. I've got your license here. $52.99. No, I am $41. I'm sorry. It says here that you're $52 and she's $99. Which, by the way, congratulations. Thank you. Not to you. You look $52.

You're $41.

You look $52. But ma'am, you're $99?

Yeah.

The very same. He don't look a day over 96.

Oh, thanks. We're going to just get out of here.

Is it cool? Can I come too?

Yep. We're calling a cab. Get in.

I actually work as a cab driver. I just got my medallion. Oh, sorry sir.

Not my cab medallion. Not my cab medallion. A medallion that I'm wearing to a nightclub. If you're interested. What nightclub? Poop. Poop. I heard about that from Stefan. It's the same that goes backwards and forwards.

Well, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin Keif. That's J.P.C.

and that's... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No intros unless you're on the list. What's your name?

My name's Erin Keif. I should be on the list to be in a Hey Riddle Riddle episode.

Check Veronica Peppermints. Veronica... Oh, yeah. Come on in to poop. How about you? What's your name? I'm J.P.C. I have a table to poop at. Okay. Let me see here. Oh, yeah. Right this way, Mr. P. I know where to poop.

My name is Adal Rifai. What is it? Adal Rifai? No, I don't see it. I see anal retired. Yeah, I'll take anal retired. All right, come on in.

Adal hurt his own feelings.

By the way, anal retired. I hated that. I hated it. I said it and I hated it. Since we last recorded, since we last recorded, I've probably had 250 voicemails from people and Google Voice does this thing where it automatically translates your voicemail so it gives you a little transcription of what the voicemail is. You said automatically like a robot says it.

Automatic, hydromatic, and a group lightning.

This thing might as well be great slightly. But I've been sending you guys screenshots of what it does to RN names. Unfortunately, JPC, it's clear enough that it always gets that. It's pretty on the money with JPC, but it smells a-r-o-n. It's never spelled it the other way. And Adal gets the best thing for his name. Google Translate does not know what to do with your name. It's pretty wild. You hate them all?

Is that what you said?

Just when I think that it can't possibly have a different hearing of what it thinks our names are, sometimes people squish them together in a way that it's like, I don't know what this is, it's this weird phrase that is all of our names together. It's very, very fun. It's a little highlight for me.

I think that I should be in charge of the voicemail because you're just deleting them.

Oh yeah. Well, Erin, I think that I'm the perfect one to be in charge of the voicemail because I'm the only one that doesn't have little Japanese origami paper for skin.

And I'll be honest, not everybody is nice. What? I have origami skin? Erin?

You'll be in people's crane one day.

No one said Adal should do it. No one suggested that. Adal didn't. The mystery just hurt my own feelings. I'm sorry.

Did someone say I'll be a crane one day? By God, I think I will. I think I'll have the 1984 Merlot, please. Wait, aren't you already a crane? Put this in my shiffer robe. Excuse me. Should we do a daffy impression? I can handle it.

What's some of the mean criticism we're getting on those voicemails? I can handle it.

I'm sure this plays in Peoria, but not here. I will say that Peoria is from Seattle. Yeah, but it's a phrase. Yeah, okay. Plays in Peoria. I do think that on average the voicemails have been very nice, very, very complimentary. I will say the number one voicemail that we get is, I can't believe this is real. And I gotta say, I think that you guys on the show, on the episode, called it, tested it out, and we kept that in the episode, proving that it was real. But a lot of people still call that it was real. And I gotta say, a lot of people call it Drunk and High. And I gotta say, to all you people calling it Drunk and High, gotta tighten up those messages. We gotta hear those.

No, no, no, I completely disagree. Ignore JPC. If you don't want, no. You are calling us drunk instead of your exes. That's what this is now. Anytime you have the impulse to call your ex,

You call us instead. Here's what we should do. The temperament of it, it definitely seems like we're not the last call or the first call they've made that night.

Here's what we should do is after the credits, after the end of the... And then the credits end. There should be two minutes of silence. And then we play any... And then we play any drunk or high voicemails so that if people want, they can hear them.

Here's what we're going to do. We are going to play some voicemail on the show today and it's going to be ones that I have curated because I'm going to be playing the voicemails of the behavior that I wish to encourage. I'm not going to be playing the voicemails of the people who call softly moaning for a little while, don't know what that's about.

Are people saying mean things though? Are people saying mean things on there?

No, I don't think so. I think people are saying mostly nice things and I think the only people that are saying mean things are people that I think are honestly trying to be funny and You know, that's fine. We try to be funny on this show all the time, but we don't get it right, so it's okay that you didn't get it right.

But we're not trying to hurt some of those feelings. I do have the skin of a baby gerbil, so you can see into my organs.

I'm tough. I would like to start having the reputation for being thick-skinned. You guys, I mean, I've read it to you guys a couple times, and then you've gasped. People say the craziest fucking shit to me, and I'm still standing. I'm okay.

Erin, take off that bandana. Unroll your jean shirt and stop flexing your right arm. We should say, first and foremost, well this isn't first or foremost, this is second and second most. We recently just came back from LA where we had, I feel personally, had a wonderful time. We got to spend a lot of time with a lot of good friends. We got to hang out with Big Grande. We had some nice meals with them. We did an escape room. We recorded some fun episodes. We got to guest on fun stuff. So I was... JBC got to meet Lou finally.

I was very excited to meet Lou and I think, Erin, you took a video of Lou just licking at my face. Lou likes to give those kisses, but they don't give any kisses. Lou loves to give those kisses. Lou's Erin's dog for people who maybe aren't too good.

No, she's my aunt and we all know that. Yeah, it was so nice to have you guys in my home. I felt that I was like in there.

You had a great game night at Erin's place.

How did you guys think of my house?

Did you like my house? I feel like Erin took the note and she didn't have as many candles lit, which I honestly thought about that.

How did you do that? I wanted to make Artie seem like a liar.

I walked into your house and I said, this is the normal amount of candles. And I didn't want to start opening drawers, but I know there were candles.

There were 80% less candles than when Artie came over, to give you an indicator. I'm not even kidding, there was 80% less.

Erin, I will say as, I believe as Gemma and I were like going to the airport to go home Gemma said something along the lines of, I'm paraphrasing, but I can't remember exactly what she said, but she said something along the lines of, I can't believe how nice Erin's apartment looks. And then I said, I think we should have Erin organize or decorate our apartment, our house. And then when we got home, I was sitting in our living room and Gemma came home and as she walked in the door, I go, we need to have Erin fix this living room.

I'll do it. I'll do it for free. I'll do it for fun. I would love to do that. That is my dream.

So next time you're in Chicago, I'm going to put you to work. I will pay you, but I'm going to put you to work.

But I'm also, I definitely, I already invited myself over a couple of times. I'm definitely staying with you in a couple of weeks.

Please, please. And let's go to some, uh, my, uh, Sadia said lazy dog. Antique is antiques is full of amazing stuff. So let's you and I go there and we'll pick out some pieces. If I may also very quickly talk about a recent travel, I just got back from Toronto and boy are my arms tired. Sure. Because I was punching the seat in front of me the whole time. It was maybe the worst travel experience I've ever had in my life. It sounds like the guy in front of you maybe had a little worse of a time. No, no, no. It was a baby, but it was maybe the worst travel experience I've ever had. And in the midst of this, in the midst of having, I think we had four different flights cancel on us and we had to check in. We had to go through customs like eight times because every time we went to a different terminal to try and catch a new flight, we were technically leaving Canada and going back in. Which was insane. And I'm like, this is bullshit. And the people are like, sorry, that's how it is. I'm like, this needs to change. But basically, Hey Riddle. And as this guy starts to leave the line with his partner, he turns to me and he goes, I'm sorry, are you Adal Rifai? I go, yeah. And he goes, I'm a big fan of Hey Riddle Riddle. And I go immediately I go, I'm sorry. And he, I hadn't done anything, but I was just like, I must look so Awful. Like this is the worst time to catch me. And I was like, thanks so much. What's your name? And then we also saw them later as we were going to catch our flight because they were going to Boston, I think. So Jeffrey, thank you so much for snapping me out of my frump. And I'm so sorry. Hi Jeffrey! And J.P.C., he was reading a copy of Dune and I said my friend J.P.C. The book I wrote! I said my friend J.P.C. just recommended that I read this book.

Let me ask you, the size of the book he was reading, was it pretty intimidating? A lot of pages, big as a book.

It looks like somebody a lawyer keeps on their desk open. Dune's great if you've got 800 pages to read. I was there for a wedding, beautiful wedding, although I will say the wedding had nine speeches, And I think three of them used the term, which I've never heard before. And honestly, I don't think I want to hear it. I honestly don't want to hear it again. The phrase was love, laughter, and happily ever after was used in three of the speeches. And I was like, I don't know. I've never heard this phrase before, but I don't think I like it. It feels like something that's on like a coffee mug in like good housekeeping.

Honestly, I'm pleased that you heard it three times because it means that people are visiting my speed trading website. I spend a lot of money on that website making it look good. So I'm just glad that it's finally the SEO shit that I've been doing is paying off. And that's sexonthespeech.com?

Hate and silence and accepting compliance. That's my new, that's my mug.

Your new chuggy mug. Chuggy, is that the term? Chuggy.

I love when Adal learns, you just, I love it so much when Adal discovers something that happened on the internet a year ago. It's like one of my favorite things. I think that should be, you know what?

Have you seen this kid with a lightsaber?

A Hey Riddle Riddle episode bingo card. And one of the spots is going to be Adal discovers something from the internet from two years ago.

Gatekeep, girl boss, and growl at other dogs at the park.

But it was so nice to have you guys in LA and it made me annoyed. I got re-annoyed that I don't live in the same city as you guys. I'm like, dang, that would be so much easier.

Damn, Erin, I'm so sorry it made you annoyed. But the other side of it, happy you're getting all these Domino's pizzas.

Well, JPC, to be fair... Is it? JPC, to be fair, you and I... JPC, please. You and I own houses. Erin has an apartment. That's true. It's not fair to ask her to uproot herself. We should be moving to LA. I'm sorry, Erin.

You guys have gorgeous houses and I'm... My rent just increased and I cry about it.

The noise was Domino's though, right? I did get that right. Or is it Pizza Hut? No, the noid was dominoes. The noid was definitely dominoes, okay.

Yeah. You got it, right? Yeah. And honestly, avoid the noid, if I may. If there's something you want to do to the noid, avoid the noid.

That sounds like that's advice that Eric could have taken, because she got a noid.

I'm happy that you live a four and a half hour plane right away from me. Again, I feel rejuvenated. I'm young again.

I'm happy that I live apparently four and a half hour plane right away from the noise because I just had dominoes the other day. Imagine him taking a bite down with those pizzas.

Here's what I'll say, full transparency.

I don't usually talk about finances, mine or all of ours.

We cannot afford to buy the Knicks.

And I'm... So embarrassing. I'm sorry.

It's very embarrassing. It's very embarrassing to say. I hope my family isn't listening. But honestly, we could not afford to buy the Knicks.

I think I just outed my finances when I said I cried when my rent increased and I continue to cry about it.

Everyone cries when their rent decreases. I do think, Adal, you are correct. I even looked into it. I did the math on it. We can't even afford to buy one of Stevie Nicks' cousins. What? There's not a single Nicks we can afford. Did you look on her dad's side though? I tried. There's even some deceased ones on the dad's side.

Good roast on dad's side cousins. A lot of people roast them and I think that that was funny. Mom's side cousins are always good. Dad's side cousins always suck.

BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING BING I think we need to reconstitute, we have to re-examine what is a riddle. So is a question a riddle?

So what you're saying is she didn't get us? Okay, Jeffrey's partner. Sounds like you didn't get us and I would like for you to contact me and I'm gonna beg for you to like me.

I hope she gets Jeffrey.

Can a cat be a riddle? We have to re-examine. Guys, if we want to keep this show going, we have to examine what is a riddle.

Can saying bullshit with your friends be a riddle?

Casey puts off jazz on her list. You keep suggesting answers to riddles. Those all could be answers to riddles, but I don't know that they're necessarily like cat and love aren't riddles in themselves.

I have an honest question. Am I old man puzzles and I'm just not starting yet? Is it me? Is that why we haven't done a riddle yet?

In a few, whenever we have to pivot, maybe we start to just have people send in their dreams. And what we do for an hour, is we interpret these dreams. Cause that's basically, dreams are riddles.

Hi friends, my fight, my hometown and I have been listening to the buzz since the start and we're huge fingers. I recently started gardening big hipster energy and subscribed to the Farmer's Almanac newsletter. I was willing to find they sometimes have puzzles and in today's newsletter, they mentioned a puzzle ebook. So I obviously purchased it. You can find it attached here. This is Much Love from Florida, Amber Wojciech. So Amber Wojciech sent us a whole ass puzzle book. I got so many puzzles and riddles. I got a whole fucking episode's worth.

Amber Wojciech, I have to ask, any relation?

It says Yes.

To Steve Wozniak?

No, to the Winkle Woz twins. Ah. Erin, are you ready for the first one? All of these riddles, it seems, come from Farmer's Almanacs, and I think that's just a lot of fun. So this one is from the Old Farmer's Almanac of 1972.

Oh, 1972, back when America was mostly timber. I'm sorry, Tim Burton. Tim Burton.

1972, I always just say twinkle in my dad's balls.

What can run- A twinkle voss in your dad's balls.

A twinkle voss twins. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, and has a head but never weeps.

JBC dumb fucking piece of shit, it's a river.

It is a river. A river, not a riddle, but an answer to a river. Yeah, that's a gimme. Now that was set. That's how it's from a farmer's almanac from 72, but come on, that's an older, that's older than 72, right?

Rivers? Farmer's almanac lifted that.

I bet River Fiends was born in 72.

We can't Google that. We won't know. We will not be able to know. Okay, here we go. Here's your second. I do want to see a quick scene. Actually before we do a scene, I do want to do something. Can we, and I don't have it pulled up, but let me see if I can pull it up. JPC might have it pulled up. Can we, because we did it at the end of the last episode or a few episodes ago, we put the phone number and the mailing address and all that. Can we do that? Let's do it right now. So I'm going to say, if you have any riddles for us or anything you want to say to us, email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We also have a brand new phone line that we've been discussing. We're not going to wait till the end. We're going to say it right now, smack dab in the first half hour. JPC, do you have that number?

I believe it's, I believe it's 801 Riddle 1, but that doesn't sound right.

Hang on, I'm on it.

I'm on it.

Okay, the phone number is 1-805-Riddle-1. 805-Riddle-1.

And the address. And we also have a new mailing address if you want to send us anything. Erin, what is that?

Hey Riddle Riddle, 6351 Montrose Ave, that's M-O-N-T-R-O-S-E Ave, number 267 in Chicago, Illinois 60634.

Perfect. Just because I know a few people have told me that they don't listen to plugs, so I just want to get that done right now. So back to the scene. I want to see a scene. So you mentioned a river has a mouth. I'd like to see a sea. I'd like to see a sea.

Thank you, by the way, for humoring the people that don't listen to the full episode. Our target demographic, those are the people that we really want to reward that behavior.

I like to reward bad behavior. So Erin, you are, these are olden days and you're laying by the bank of a river, contemplating life. And JPC, you are the mouth of a river and you are star for attention and someone to talk to so you are starting a conversation.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Who said that?

Fish fish. Fish? Fish are talking to me? No, but I'm sorry. I'm part of me. I spit up a bunch of our sampling. I'm the river. My name is the river. I thought you said something.

Whoa, say it. Don't spray it. Hi, I'm Kim. How do you do?

Kim, I'm the river and I'm the little jewel, officially. Um, river?

You didn't say anything when I was swimming inside of you a minute ago. Was that okay?

Oh, uh... Don't trust him, girl. Don't trust him, girl. Hey, it's Brooke over here. Hi, Brooke.

Hi, Brooke.

Don't trust him.

Don't trust him. This is an X of mine. I just want to lay that out right now.

Brooke is an X. The babbling Brooke is an X of yours.

I didn't say babbling.

Did he tell you to call me that?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, come on.

What are you doing, Kim? You did, yeah.

No, no, no, fish or fish.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. I did not know he was such a jerk, Brooke. I would not have swam in him.

Yeah, I thought I was having him again. Okay, I mean, I'm a jerk. She took 25% of what was mine. Oh, okay. We weren't even married, we were dating.

He called me right off.

She probably earned it. He called me right off.

He called you run off?

Yeah, yeah.

Throws Brock into river. Fuck you.

That makes him stronger. That makes me better.

Okay, how do I hurt you?

Uh, okay. Uh, not older.

Grew up in you.

Honestly, it all ends up in Brooke.

Oh, I'm sorry, bro.

Basically, you're throwing up on her as well.

Brooke, should we just go get drinks and leave this guy in the dust?

That's what I'm talking about. Come see him over here.

Okay, I mean if you... if that's what you want to do, I just... I just wanted to tell both of you that I met somebody.

I'm with Waterfall now.

Oh yeah, he's got a big appetite. And he likes to keep river wet.

Ew, okay, bye, see.

Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish And still you will see I'm the same as before as I'll always be. Take two letters from me, or three, or four. I'll still be the same as I was before. In fact, I can tell you that all my letters you may take, yet of me nothing else can you make. Mailbox. It is not a mailbox. That is a very good guess. And I will say that's a very close guess. But I may call every home where you may meet.

You say that part again?

I make collar at every home where you may meet. For daily, I perambulate along each street. I think that what's tripping you up is perambulate. That word. You can still get pregnant from perambulate, right? Thank you. Ding ding ding ding. Better perambulate than ever. You just won a new responsibility. Let's spin the responsibility wheel. You have to take care of someone's card payment. Oh man. It sucks. It's a bad wheel.

Okay. Can you read it again? Because I keep thinking that I have it and then I remember another part of it.

You guys are so close with mailbox. You're so close with letter. I am a caller in every home where you may meet. For daily I perambulate along each street. Take one letter from me and still you will see I'm the same as before as I'll always be. Take two letters from me or three or four. I'll still be the same as I was before. In fact, it is a mailman, a postman, if you will.

Mailman?

A postal office worker.

My name is Francis Millman.

To see a scene. Adal, you are a guy just going outside to get his mail in the paper and JPC, you're his mailman and you have like a boundary problem and you're definitely like peeking through people's mail and you're commenting on what mail he got that week.

A lot of scenes with JPC starting unwanted conversations.

Take the hint buddy.

Okay. But doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Suburban life is great and I'm soooo fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Yes, I'm so sorry. I'm not a park ranger.

Oh, but you have a park ranger outfit on.

Thank you. Outfit, not a uniform. This is a park ranger's outfit. A park ranger's uniform is much more official. This is a tear away park ranger. I'm a... Are you a stripper? A tear away park ranger? It is a stripper's costume. You hit it right on the head. I am not myself a stripper. My partner is a stripper. Oh nice. Oh, I'll sew you the costume. You'll get to get a lot of work. I do think that they maybe resent me a little bit because I think I did a pretty good sew job on this bad boy.

Yeah, not bad. Maybe like bears would want that. I'm not sure. Can I have my mail please? Correct.

So you've clued into the fact that I am a mailman. That is correct.

Now, obviously... Well, I don't know if you're a mailman, but you are carrying a giant bag with all the mail in it. So I don't know if you knocked out a mailman and grabbed their satchel, but I need... No. This is my satchel.

I will be honest with you. It is full of stripper clothes, a cloth, and you're just sewing accoutrements. Okay.

Yeah, don't speak French, I'm sorry.

Me and my partner had a big fight, big blowout fight. I grabbed their bag, they grabbed my bag. So there right now, They're at a wildfire.

Hey neighbor here. Is the mail late today? What's going on?

Mail's not late. Everyone, I can see y'all on your porches.

Carol run. I can see y'all on your porches.

Carol run. My name, Carol run. What do you need?

Sorry. Yeah, that's Carol run. Get away.

I know everyone's seat. I love it. That's Carol run. Get away from here.

Alright, we gotta do one more. Here we go. This is from a farmer's almanac from 1898. What? They had riddles back in 1898? Apparently they did.

When you were born, you beep-a-doo-s-goo-ba-doo. I feel numb.

Oh, you like scuba-doo? Yeah. He'd be for a hundred.

Huh.

He'd be like a hundred and twenty-two if that were true.

Not much of a math gal myself, more of a mean friend.

That's way older than he is. That's like triple his age, Erin.

I'm literally begging you all to ignore me today. Surely you must know. Before the recording started, I literally was like, guys, I'm in crisis. I'm so late on a deadline. I have so much work to do. It moves backward and forward and upward and downward.

Earthward and heavenward, toward and onward.

Tis of silver or gold, or a metal much baser. It regulates time and keeps thieves in their place, sir. Wow, a Roomba? It has wards, though no guardian. Save of your Pelf, which is wealth. Wealth also kind of rhymes, so I don't know why they said Pelf. Don't tell me what Pelf is. They told you what Pelf is. It's in the riddle. And takes care of all things, excepting itself. And Adal, it is not a Riddle, but I love that answer. It moves backwards and forward, upward and downward, earthenward and heavenward of which I think is like the same thing as upward and downward.

Wind, time, watches, jail.

Is this something that's no longer in existence? Is this like a fucking dodo bird or something?

No, it's very much in existence. To the silver or gold or a metal much baser, it regulates time and keeps thieves in their place, sir.

Is it a pocket watch?

I don't really understand it regulates time. I guess it keeps thieves in their place, sir, as much. It regulates time as less helpful. Is it bars? It's not bars. It has wards, though no guardian, save of your pelf, which is wolf, and takes care of all things. Don't tell me what pelf is.

Deja vu.

Is it deja vu? I think this episode is going to be called, Don't Tell Me What Pelf Is.

I think that's the end of the episode. Don't pelf on me and tell me it's rain.

Oh no.

That's worse. I'm going to try to incorporate pelf into my lexicon.

I'm quite pelf-y. People just think you're having a stroke. Pardon my pelf.

What's the answer to this riddle? I think I'm in a pelf.

Okay, so it keeps thieves in their place, sir, is a good hint to this, but it is of silver or gold, probably not. You would be more familiar with the metal much baser aspect of this. Okay, so... Oh, handcuffs.

Oh, Erin, that's great.

Erin, that's a good guess, but it's not correct. It is not bracelets or handcuffs.

Beast bracelets.

What keeps a thief in place? So I said bars because I was thinking gold and silver bars plus bars could go up, down, left, right.

So this is kind of part of the bars like keeping thieves in place. You would probably need this, but it's not the bars. You're so close with a key. How does it regulate time? How does a key regulate time?

Well, you back in the olden days, I think you had to undo the back of your clock and then wind it with a key.

Dude, that is absolutely right. Wow. You were born into that.

He's smart. No, I don't like cartoons.

You do like cartoons. Erin, I apologize. Adal is 122 years old. How do you think I accumulated all my pelf?

What is pelf?

Hey, speaking of pelf, we got to make some pelf for ourselves, so we will be back after these advertisements.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

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People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is uh, this is GPC and um... I'm here too. Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my Better Help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that. Okay, because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well Erin fall is officially here which means it's time to get into our fall routines and there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry I want to do this I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's everyday earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in.

I know and the way they did it when they held their hands out and they said we'll tell you when we stop and that their hands keep going and going and going so far out

So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Thanks for watching! Adal, Erin, thank goodness you're here. Time is of the essence. I am trapped underneath this huge piece of metal. Oh, actually, you know what? Hold on. I have to get to this within the first 30 seconds. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. And Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. I'll get to your questions about the car that I'm trapped under in a second. Whether you're just standing out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms.

I was going to say, JPC, oh my god. Don't they also have an online store available? You can sell all your products, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products. Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

Oh no, you're stuck under a car! And you can get started with one of their professional website templates with designs for every category to use. Then customize your look, update content, and add features to fit your unique needs. You can make any Squarespace template that you want so your idea, brand, or business stands out online on every device. Help JPC. We gotta help him.

Help JPC. You know what, Erin? It's fine. I was able to get out with my own ingenuity. Thanks and no part to my great assets. Hey, and speaking of assets, you could upload, organize, and access all of your content from one place. With a new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform. Well, I bet you are wondering how I got in this mess, huh?

Oh, sorry. I'm over here eating. Did you, did you need us?

Yeah, we're over here eating.

What are you guys eating? Get your pet paid.

Okay, so head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That is www.squarespace.com slash Riddle to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Wait, that's not a car on you, that's a backpack. You can't play the guy for child. He is wearing a backpack. Come on, get out of here! Scram!

Did I show you guys this thing that came in the mail? It says it's from Egypt and it seems like it's shaped like a box. Okay. One of the corners is damaged so there's like the substance pouring out of it.

Shaped like a box.

Shaped like a box.

Not a box.

Not, but not a box.

What is a box? It could be a box.

Yeah.

And there's a little voice inside screaming let me out so I can do some puzzles.

Let's open it. I think I have an idea that this is, oh it's standing.

It's another sandbox. How did you fit in this parcel? Chomp Chomp. Remember that one? Did I do that right? Yeah, you did it right. Yeah, hi, it's me again. Your old friend. How's the box? Thank you for mailing yourself from Egypt. That could not have been not expensive. What have you been up to, Sandy, since we last saw you? I was in Egypt, yeah. I was hanging out with things, you know, to get some riddles. I'm ready.

Adal teach you up with nothing and you slammed it into the dunking hole? I wouldn't say nothing if he actually came up with nothing.

Yeah, Mail from Egypt is actually really good.

A lot of people would kill for that intro.

I was just trying to mix it up from saying like, oh, there's water and there's sand. I was just trying to mix it up. Shame on me for trying something really dumb.

I'm going to let them destroy Adal Rifai. I'll swoop in and be the queen.

Too late. Right, but here's the thing. The Sphinx really only knows one riddle, and I'm sure you've been down that path before, so it wasn't much in use. But I did get to enjoy some different kinds of sand, which is sort of my thing. I've been doing lots of online trivia games for people and online puzzle hunts and stuff for companies. It's sort of my main gig. I'm doing some private stuff that I can't really talk about yet that hopefully will come out this summer. That'll be really fun.

I would also say that I'm doing some private stuff that I can't talk about and I hope it never comes out. I hope you never hear about it. I got greasy little paws and dirty little pockets making sure my dirt never comes to light.

Well, good luck with all that. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I've been playing a lot of Horizon Zero Dawn, the original one, which is fun.

Oh, just a fantastic game. Sandy, have you played the new one yet?

I'm going to go through the old one, finish that, and then do the new one.

First time through? First time through in the old world? Yeah, I've never played it before. Oh my god. I love that game. What a fantastic game.

It's amazing. Yeah, I'm adoring it. Sandy, did you have any time to come up with some new puzzles for us? I was a long ship cargo flight over here in that box. So I spent most of it crying. And then I spent a few minutes coming up with some puzzles. Yeah, no, it's fine. I get it. That's how I do the video as well. We're going to call this game book mashups. And the way this works is I'm going to give you a clue for, oh no, we're not going to call it book mashups. We're going to call it something better. We're going to call it cookbooks. And the reason is I'm going to give you a clue for both a book and a food item. And we're going to fudge the numbers so that tax accountants don't look into our very business. Yeah, you're going to cook the books. And then the answers will be a portmanteau of the two answers together. So for example, if I said, well, let's just get into it. Yeah, why not? I'll even give you the year that the book came out in case that's helpful.

What a way for you guys to find out that I never read books. 1984, 1967.

My memory, when I was thinking about what to set up for the show, I remember that Adal is a big book reader. Voracious. Yeah. Yeah. So I was... Well, let's all applaud when I fall on my fucking ass here.

You happy America?

All right. Don't be surprised when you crack open this almond flavored cookie and find a message from Big Brother. So Big Brother would be Orwell, which would be 1984, the one I just referenced. Almond flavored cookie.

Is it like a 1984-io? Nah, they're not almond flavored, so I did it.

I'm 1980 for you.

What's an almond flavored cookie? It's not a snickerdoodle, right? No, it's something very, very common in the sort of crescent shape you find a Chinese restaurant.

Oh, fortune. Oh, fortune cookie.

1980 fortune. 1980 fortune cookie is the answer. That's how this works. So there's a book called Fortune Cookie? No. No. The food is called fortune cookie. The book is called 1984. Oh, I'm sorry. I missed that part. I'm sorry. We're cooking the books. I see, I see, I see. We're mashing up a book and a food. I love it. All right. And number two, parents, you can have a night out on the town thanks to the efforts of this group of enterprising middle schoolers and their stacked concoctions of turkey and ham.

Baby sitters club sandwich.

Baby sitters club sandwich. Boom. That's it. You got it. I don't even have to tell you the years. In a dystopian future, prison officials try to reform violent youths by feeding them so much of this Panda Express staple that the thought of violence becomes nauseating. Uh, this would be a Clockwork Orange Chicken? Correct. Well done. Wow. Okay. How many of these books should go through each one? And have you read the book? Have you read the book? So 1984. Have you read the book? Yeah. Yes. Babysitter's Club. Have you read all the books?

All of them? Excuse me, sir. I probably did. My mom's a librarian and I had to sit and wait for her to be done at work, so definitely read those.

I've never read that one. I've walked out of the room of the show playing before.

Babysitter's Club?

Oh, the TV show. Yeah, the TV show.

It's so good.

I'll never know.

Clockwork Orange?

No.

I hit my babysitter with a driving wedge.

Oh my god. I never read Clockwork Orange. I did watch the movie though.

Oh man. It is a hard read. Hey, it's a hard watch. It's it, but I'm saying it's got all this other like this made up language in it that you have to parse while you're reading it. Okay. Oh, fun fact about that. So there's this made up language in the book and I was reading it in high school. And so like, for example, the character says horror show to mean something is good. That's true in the movie too, but you don't really get it until you read a lot of the book. You're trying to understand through context clues. And my girlfriend at the time was in Russian and spoke Russian. And so she's reading this. She's like, oh, that's how you say good in Russian is horror show. Apparently took Russian. He bastardized like current languages. Wow. Okay. Anthony Burgess, right? Mm hmm. Yeah. These thick wheat noodles can be found in certain soup shops in Japan and near the windmills of La Mancha.

Man of La Mancha. Rah man of... Rah man of La Mancha. Rah man of La Mancha. Help.

That's not bad.

Be thinking.

But there's a better, there's like the main title. What's the guy's name? The La Mancha guy.

Don Quixote.

What are thick noodles? Not ramen. Ramen are thin. Thick noodles. related to soba. Related to soba. Like thick noodle soup. No. Wrong cuisine. We're looking for Japanese. God. I feel like I'm going to be pissed. Well it ends in Don.

Here's the thing with soups, a lot of them are fish stock. And so even if it looks vegetarian, I just can't eat it. And so I don't even look at the soup menu.

You lost all your money in the fish stocks, right?

I was put into the fish stocks and the local boys in town came in through trout set.

This fried Middle Eastern vegetarian delicacy made from exactly 9 chickpeas is attempting to convey a dangerous relic on a long and terrifying journey across Middle Earth. That's it. Full Off Fellowship of the Rings. Wow. Full Off Fellowship of the Rings. That's great. I know you've read that one. Oh yeah, on JPC.

I have read Fellowship. I made it about halfway through the two towers and I said, the movies are better.

Yeah. Tom Bombadil Pickles. I'll allow it. This summer grilling staple is a binge drinker topped with ketchup, lettuce, and cheese who can't be sure she can trust what she sees through the window as she rides into London each day.

Lady on the train. Girl on the train. Girl on the train?

Girl on the train and then what's... Grill on the train? You know what? A lot of people say that. It's not grill on the train. It's the food that leads into girl. Uh, can you, it sounded like a drink when you said it. Ketchup, lettuce, cheese. Ketchup, lettuce, cheese. Grilling staple.

Burger.

Oh, marinade. Marinade. What'd you say, Erin?

Hamburger-l on the train.

Oh. Hamburger-l on the train. God, that's hard for my brain to get.

Hamburger-l on the train.

I would love to see that movie, and instead of Emily Blunt, it's just a hamburger and a cardigan. Take my money, Hollywood.

Hamburger and cardigan. You just lost Emily Blunt as a listener.

Oh no, please Emily, please come back.

Um, I've read that book. Anyone read that book?

No.

It is pretty intense. To make this bedtime dessert, sandwich a bowl full of mush between two round cookies, whisper hush, and dip the whole thing in chocolate. Well, can you read that one again? Wow. To make this bedtime dessert, sandwich a bowl full of mush between two round cookies, whisper hush.

Goodnight moon pie.

Goodnight moon pie is right. Anyone read that one?

Yep.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Lots of times, thousands of times. Too many times. Too many times. This side dish discovers a secret identity hiding beneath seven layers of its mysterious rich neighbor on Long Island and becomes disillusioned with the American dream. Great Gatsby. Beautiful dip.

Beautiful dip.

The Great Gats Bean Dip.

I need to do a book themed party and make the Great Gats Bean Dip because that would make me chuckle if I saw something labeled that at a party.

You know, every year for the Oscars, we throw Oscar party and we make a menu based on Oscar films, puns based on Oscar films. I used to do that. Yeah, very fun. And this year, it was a really hard year and I'm trying to remember some of the ones that we came up with and I wish I had the list in front of me, but maybe I guess we'll have to have you back on.

Did you have a favorite of all time, like a pun dish?

Oh, yeah. Well, one of my favorites of all time was a very long engagement. Do you remember that movie with Audrey Tatoo? That was nominated and a friend of mine brought that and called it, brought a sausage and called it a very long encasement. Nice. That's very funny. I think for this year, I would show up to your party with a two liter of Coke and say I brought soda. Like Coda?

Nice.

And it's portable. Here I found my list from this year, the ones that I've come up with. Damned spotted dick from Meckbeth. Damned spot. Spotted. Okay. Boxes of panel chocolate from Dune. Box of pain. Gotcha. And we don't talk about brew, no?

Very good.

Love it. All right. Back to the puzzles.

I would have shown up with Belfast food.

I'm pissed that I was using the same movie to try to think of one. I'm Belfasting this year.

I'm Belfasting. I'm Belfasting. I brought nothing.

Well fuck you, we had to pay for all this food. But since I'm here, I guess I'll eat. Also better than Dan who brought licorice pizza. Hey Dan, anyone eating the licorice pizza yet?

No.

Fuck off. This delicacy from Florian Fortescue's ice cream parlor is served between two halves of a fruit by dark wraiths who float around sucking every good feeling out of you, but at least the chocolate sauce helps afterwards.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. But it's, what is it called?

Marzipan. Marzipan. Nice. No, the whole title is, you can hear the whole title in the answer. Oh, oh, oh. The Prisoner of Azkaban and then keep going. Prisoner of Azkaban. Banana Foster. Banana Foster. Banana Foster. Almost. What do they serve it on ice cream parlor? They don't serve that. There you go. There you go.

Prisoner of Azkaban- Azkabanana- Uh oh.

Azkabanana- You guys say the whole thing, so let's count.

Okay. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabanas. Bananas? Azkabanana split. There you go. I got it. Oh god.

By the way, don't sleep on a banana split. That is a good thing to get out of the ice cream parlor. I love a banana split.

And honestly, don't sleep on it either. Not comfortable.

If something at an ice cream store even has a hint of being healthy, I want it completely out of my face. I don't want it in my face at all.

Three more. As you stir this sauce, often thickened with flour, you wonder if a painting of the sauce that you keep in your attic is becoming congealed and moldy.

Dorian Gray. Picture of Dorian Gray.

Like a gravy.

Why do I know what the picture of Dorian Gray is? I don't know what it is.

Gravy or... Ragu?

Gravy. That's right. Picture of Dorian. Put it all together.

The picture of Dorian Gravy. Picture of Dorian Gravy. Wow. Never read that one. Me neither. I own it but I haven't read it. I've had gravy though, so that's something.

Same.

I've had gravy a ton. This common restaurant appetizer combines a prickly vegetable with mayo and sour cream at which point you are crowned king and the wild rumpus starts. Where the wild things are choc dip. There you go.

First shot. I was on where the wild things jalapeno popper. Where the wild mozzarella sticks.

Where the wild things nachos.

All right, last one, the best one. Take fries, top them with gravy and cheese curds, and then cover the whole thing with honey and eat it in the hundred acre woods with no pants on. Winnie the poutine. Winnie the poutine. Winnie the poutine.

Oh, father. I have diabetes.

There was, there was, next to I.O., this is maybe six or seven years ago, the old I.O., so maybe even longer, a poutine restaurant opened up, and we went there one night, we were like, a poutine restaurant? This cannot last long. And like four weeks later, it was gone.

Y'all know why they overheard that and you hurt their feelings so much that their cooking didn't have any packing.

Pack it up. Well we also tried it and I don't think it was very good. I was like and and I don't know that there's a big appetite for poutine in Chicago.

Yeah not a lot of Canadian expats in Chicago to my knowledge. No, we got other ways to convey gravy and cheese to our bias.

If you come to the Midwest and you try to tell them like some other way to do a cheese curd, they're like, no, no, no, no, no. You deep fry it or you get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, we're in Chicago, we're like, gravy on fries, gross. We want wet beef and wet bread. And the deepest of dishes. Sandy, thank you so much. This was outstanding. Do you have anything coming up that you'd like to let our audience know about? Well, I got some ongoing stuff. I put puzzles out on Twitter at PZLR and on Instagram at Mystery League. And I'm running a new publication and newsletter that's subscription based. So you can sign up for free, but you could also support the stuff I do and get some exclusive puzzles at this new thing I'm doing called Signals, which you can find at Signals.fun. I would love if you joined.

And Signals.fun, let me ask you this, Sandy, you have no problem with, say, a riddle podcast subscribing at the minimum level and then using those riddles to do their riddle podcast, right? I mean, if we're just talking hypothetically.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. There's no problem with that at all. Wait, do you have one?

No. You have one in mind? Don't worry. We've got riddles from 2017 that we haven't done yet, so we're fine for a while.

A really quick true story to tell you I was with my kids and we were on a hike and they were asking for some puzzles and I was like I am tapped out of like kids level riddles so I started googling them and the last time I googled riddles for kids I found some random website so this time I found some different website and I started reading them and I was like this is a lot who collected all these? Do you know where I was? Were you on our database? I was on Riddies and Puzzies. That is a fan made and fan run database of R Riddles. That is amazing.

Well, well, well. You couldn't stay away long, could you?

I'm giving you puzzles and you're feeding me parenting advice. It's all worked.

It's a snake eating itself.

Phenomenal. Well, Sandy, thank you so much. Let's put you back in this box. I'm going to shove some where the sidewalk burnt ends in your mouth and we're going to ship you back to Egypt. No, no, no. I'm done with. No, no, no. Too late. Bye.

Bye. Too late. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye Casey, play that voicemail theme. Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle. I want to get calls on the voicemail and I'll hit play. Wait for the beat. Hey Riddle Riddle. I want to get the calls on the voicemail and I'll hit play. And I'll hit play.

Hi, my name is John Keif. I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I find myself, I've always wanted to visit the city of Chicago, and I find myself moving there in about a month. I've never even seen the city before. I'm really, really excited, but I'm also a little nervous. I was wondering if you had any words of advice or encouragement that you could give me to help me put my mind at ease. Thanks so much, Clue Crew. Love y'all.

Okay, two quick things. One, did he say his name is John Keif?

Yes, so I did pick this one because he did say that his name was two of the host's names. No, I think he said his name was John Keith, which is two first names.

The second thing that raises my hackles is

I find myself moving there? Is this a talking head song?

You never moved to a city by accident?

This is not my favorite song.

Are you ever by your side yourself? Moving to a city you've never seen?

Let the days go by. I am drunk as hell buying houses anywhere.

I thought this was a great voicemail because we have all been in, not really, but a similar position to John Keith, which is moving to Chicago. We've all moved to Chicago before.

We all did it.

Everyone's doing it. We probably have some wisdom that we can impart. Yes. There's two types of weather.

In Chicago, there's two types of weather. Construction and winter. Am I right?

But seriously, buy layers.

You're going to want to buy layers, okay? You're going to want to... I will say this.

Yes. Off of buy layers, I think invest in a warm winter coat. You will get mileage out of it. I spent my first three winters in Chicago just wearing like a fucking flimsy pea coat that was like, I mean, the wind just blew right through it. And then three years in I bought like a real leather coat, real parka, like a thick ass parka. Best decision I ever made in Chicago.

Smart. I'd also say besides just buy leather, buy leather, buy leather.

Say buy leather.

Your pelf is showing. I would say explore the neighborhoods and specifically explore like Andersonville. I'd also say Lakeview has some great places. Our Chinatown is pretty great. Bronzeville. Basically don't just hang around like Lincoln Park. Explore some of the other on the outskirts, explore some of those neighborhoods because there's some phenomenal restaurants and foods and stuff going on there. Erin?

I have a lot to say. First of all, you're doing a great job. You're moving there right in the summer. I also moved to Chicago in July. That helps a lot for it to be warm when you're navigating around. I familiarized myself best I could with the train lines, specifically the red line, brown line, and some of the bus schedules. And that helped ease some of my anxiety before I moved. But I had never seen my apartment before and I didn't know anything. And I showed up with literally no money and was completely alone. And it was a great summer. I had a friend give me advice before I moved to LA that I think will help you, which is the circle advice, where when you move to a new place, just explore little circles at a time and then expand your circles. So just go for a walk around your block every single day. And then find a coffee shop that's nearby and just go there for a week. Don't put too much pressure to explore everywhere all at once. And then you expand out little by little by little. And that's how you get to know where your favorite places are and what it's going to familiarize your body and your heart with the city.

And that's... And if you expand little by little by little, eventually you're just fucking north. You're Elijah Wood in the movie North. Amen to that.

But I think you're being very brave. It's going to be so much fun. I'm sure a year from now you're going to be nostalgic for your first few months in Chicago. So just have fun.

Yeah, I will say also Chicago is one of, if not the most segregated city in, I think, the country. So you will have to go out to explore other pockets of the city, like wherever, whatever neighborhood you're in, wherever it is. I think that the very first neighborhood that I lived in, there were like three Ethiopian restaurants within a block of me. And I was like, huh, I guess this is just like this section of uptown is where fully Ethiopian people live. And if I Hadn't explored that like pocket. I don't think I ever would have found it. So you got to go and like get outside of your comfort zone a little bit to find the other things that the city has to offer. Because like Adal said, if you stay in like a four block radius, you know, be adventurous if you want, take some time.

So we have completely opposing advice where I go, don't overwhelm yourself in the first month of being there. Just get to know your block. And you guys are saying, do not do that. Explore. So you know what?

We have nothing for you. My thing was like if you move to Lincoln Park, Lincoln Park is fine, but it's a lot of like 20 year olds and it's a lot of like bars and like people yelling woo out of a car. There's not much culture to it. So I'm just saying wherever you move to, depending on where you move, explore. And I will say one more thing. If you go to one place, go to Kingston Mines. Kingston Mines is maybe my favorite place in Chicago. It's a blues club. It has two stages. It has surprisingly good food. Go to Kingston Mines.

Yeah, and again, you won't see any 20-year-olds trying to drink at Kingston Bites, so you don't have to worry about that at all.

Also, John, if you want to reach out to me on Instagram, I have, so people have asked me advice like this before, and I have a bunch of random moving Chicago advice that I have put all together that I can send to you in an email or over Instagram. If you want to reach out.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Well, it is, you know, you take as much time as you want to experience that, but I feel like if you move away from Chicago without ever experiencing the other aspects of Chicago Yeah, that is something that you will definitely regret. And I know, even from living closer to the city center, just the access to, man, there's no Indian restaurants in my new name. I have to drive 25 minutes to get good Indian food, where I took it such for granted that I could walk and find three Indian restaurants within 10 minutes of me before. It is really nice being able to have that bevy of options.

If you want Indian food, go to Devon Street. It's maybe the best Indian food you'll find in the US.

So I think the question was, where do I get good Indian vintage? John Keith, I hope that we answered that question for you. And that brings us to the end of the show. So let's do some plugs. Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

I do, but I don't think the thing, I recorded some things with, I guess it on some podcasts, but I don't think the episodes will be out by now. So I'll just say, listen to podcast. If you find a podcast you like, if you find a podcast you like, support their Patreon. And if you can't support their Patreon, just maybe spread the word. Tell a friend, tell a family member, tweet about it, Instagram about it. Just help support the shows you like, because I think a lot of people assume they're like, oh, they'll be fine. But it really helps to just tell someone, to just be like, hey, text three friends and be like, I found this show, maybe you'll like it. And even if they hate it, just, I don't know, spread the word. I'm done. I saved my time. Suck my dick, fuck you.

Suck my dick, fuck you.

JPC, is there anything you would like to plug?

Yeah, so again, this plug is coming courtesy from Five Star Review from iTunes from Moo from Planet Pop. It says, highlight of my morning. I always try to listen first thing in the morning on my commute. It really keeps me awake listening to how well the three hosts play off each other so well. That and the fact that this show gets me so horny for releasing puzzies, I can basically drive with no legs. Like my hog is never more in attention than when I'm listening to Hey Riddle Riddle. Could not recommend this podcast more. I gotta be honest with you. This is one that I only read the first half of. I said this looks great. Go ahead and read this. They got you.

They tricked you and they got you.

The train did get me. Do not drive with your penis. Let's do both hands to the two. Why don't we try that for driving? Erin, anything that you have to plug.

I would like to plug sitcom D&D. I'm having a lot of fun recording it and I'm having a lot of fun with my friends over there. It's really great. We're winding down to our season finale winding up winding down and we sort of had a meeting planning out season two and I'm so excited for some of the guests that are going to be on season two so now's a good time to jump on and Binge the episodes. Adal and JPC's episodes are a great place to start because you can sort of just drop in and they absolutely crushed it. They're so nice to me. You guys are so nice to me.

Anyways. And now's a great time for season two of Hey Riddle Riddle as well. So it's a big time for season twos going on here.

Oh, and check out our merch store. We have new merch in our merch store. It's great stuff going over there. We won't tell you until you get there and then you can see what it is and don't be mad at us.

Hey, Erin. There's a link in the episode description to our merch store. And let's just say we do have some season two merch for Hey Riddle Riddle that is already out and available.

Erin, I'm sorry I told you to shut up, brother.

You didn't tell me to shut up.

Oh, okay.

Was that me? I fixed it. I love you. Jupiter.

Love you. Bye forever.

Pelt forever. That was good.

Hey there blips and bleets. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We have special guest Eric Silver from Join the Party podcast on to GM a game of goat crashers for us. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew and you can add free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.