Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the peckled fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife in the grave. And the horses beat Friday.

Hi! Hi, we're Hey Riddle Riddle and we're sitting here together in person. And Erin, what's the name of this new character? Happy Erin. Is it sinister to watch?

Yeah, a little bit.

We're here at Headgum Studios in Los Angeles, California. We're recording in person.

Yes, and we have a very special guest. This is someone I met four or five years ago at the San Francisco Sketchfest.

Yeah, before COVID, that magical time.

Pre-COVID, yes. Which feels like forever ago. You can still get pregnant from pre-COVID. This is someone you might know from... His work on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, you might know him from Glee, you might know him from one of my favorite movies of the last 10 years, Barbinstar in Vista Del Mar.

Go to Vista Del Mar. Go to Vista Del Mar. It's one of your favorite movies. You should know the title.

And Adal said this, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work to run. Waiting for Kaufman, best in show. This is someone I think the absolute world of. Such a sweetheart. So unnecessarily nice. Truly unnecessarily nice. You should think about being meaner. Mr. Michael Hitchcock, thank you so much for being here.

Michael is only to be mean to myself. You're Midwestern, right? Yeah. Oh no, I'm a Chicago boy. You know that. Yeah, I do.

Yeah. And you still have family there.

Yeah, some. Yeah, I do.

Did you grow up in Chicago or the suburbs?

I grew up first in Defiance, Ohio, and then we moved to the Chicago suburbs when I was in sixth grade. So sorry, both.

Defiance, Ohio sounds like a made up

It does sound like it's made up, but it's not. It really exists. Which bird are you from? Western Springs, also known as Tree Village. I only know Mokina.

I only know Glenn Ellen.

I always ask, but I really, I really know it. It's kind of near Glenn Ellen.

All right.

And the Brookfield Zoo, if you've ever heard of it. Oh, yeah. And LaGrange, which is sort of- My favorite ZZ Top song? Yeah.

There you go. And you've been, I mean, you've been in LA for most of your life? Since like it got built.

Back when Chaplin brought the studios? Well, even before that, when they were doing Trip to the Moon, the Melly A. It's been a long time. You mean the Smashing Pumpkins video? Yes. No, I moved out here in the 80s, believe it or not. And one of my first, I went to UCLA, I went to Northwestern for grad school, but I mean for undergrad and then UCLA for grad. While I was there, I was a universal tour guide. So if you need any universal information, I've got it at my fingertips.

I've gone on that tour. I love that tour.

I could probably still give about half of it.

I would love to hear. What was like your favorite thing?

That's actually bad news for them because that means they haven't changed a lot of the stuff in like 30 years.

I said half of it. Yeah, half, half, half. No, and we were there. Well, how about a facade is a French word meaning false front.

Oh! Did you learn that on your tour? I didn't.

Okay. And that if you go back in Six Points, Texas, some of the doors are smaller and thinner to make the bad guys look bigger and stronger. Yes, and some of the doors are wider to make the ladies look more dainty.

I didn't learn any of this.

I would love to approach a bar from the outside and be like, okay, so there's a ladies' entrance, a bad guy's entrance, a good guy's entrance.

There's eight different doors.

I just want to look brawny or something.

Give me that door.

That's all I ask.

I want the brawny door. I think that guy's my type. Could you step away from the door?

You know how guys are fighting in like a saloon and then they have to see what door they want to fall out of while they're fighting? What's going to make this look strong?

But the weirdest thing about that tour, and it's still true because I've taken it recently, Is the tour guide can be saying anything. And everyone is looking at a squirrel in the tree. They're not paying a lick of attention if there's a squirrel. And you think like, has no one seen a squirrel before?

Is that squirrel famous?

When I was in fifth grade, we took a class trip to Washington D.C. and my aunt gave me a disposable camera, you know, one of the Kodak roller snaps, and we got it back and there was a full roll of film that was just a squirrel I had seen in the park. We went to Washington D.C. to see the White House.

I just take up close photos of a squirrel in the park. Great. Good job. I one time did an industrial thing, you know, with other improvisers, and they gave us each, you know, disposable cameras to take pictures so that they could post them, I guess. And one of the improvisers did nothing but take pictures of his turds in the toilet. The entire role was that. So yeah, that was the kind of guy.

Are they famous now? Because you could sell those photos.

They're kind of famous now.

Jason Bateman. It was Jason Bateman. For all of the famous improvisers that took those photos, there's so many more unsung heroes that never made it, that took the exact same photos.

Of course. And we honored them on the show. Really, I kind of like them, just the, yeah, I'm not gonna do anything you ask.

You're from Defiance, Ohio. That's true. That's ingrained in your DNA. How many people did you ever see anybody fall in the Jaws Lake?

I almost slipped in the Jaws Lake once because one time we had to stop after Jaws Lake because a little child had to go to the bathroom and the mother insisted so they kept ringing the bell to make the thing stop and so the kid ran behind a bush to pee and then I was on that dock and I almost fell in.

There's sharks in there.

There's one.

Gotta be careful.

There really is.

You have to be very careful. Honestly, probably a metal shark is more dangerous than an organic shark.

It probably is, it probably is. And that's also weirdly part of Cabot Cove for Murder She Wrote. She rode her bike down the little lane.

Oh, we reviewed the first episode of Murder She Wrote? I think it was an episode of Murder She Wrote. Interesting. Michael, I do have to ask, what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems? Did you grow up enjoying them? Do you enjoy them? Do you do crosswords or anything like that?

Absolutely nothing. That's my favorite answer we've ever gotten. Yeah, I guess I did riddles, but I'm not like a big riddle person. I'm not that nerdy. I do magic tricks. There's no time for riddles if you do magic tricks. You do magic tricks? I grew up doing magic tricks and getting paid to do them like at old folks' homes and Cub Scout places.

It's always unclear, are they paying for the magic trick or are they paying so that I'll go away? And do a magic kick to something else. I'm sure they were paying for it in no way.

With my magic, yeah. It's really odd to think that anyone who does magic could be popular.

Fuck you, David Blaine! How much sleight of hand or pressy digitization does it require for an octogenarian to be impressed?

Well, I did no sleight of hand because I thought that was like uncool. I think I was just too lazy to do it. But I did build illusions in our basement. Whoa, you did like full on illusions. Yeah, I did. I like built them out of, you know, plywood. And then my brother, my little brother had to be the person in the box that got the swords through them, but they weren't swords. It was electrical conduit because that's what we had in the basement. Even more dangerous. So yeah, but I would buy them I'd buy the plans back then you could get like them sure get plans Yeah, for like a couple bucks and they weren't that magic. It wasn't like the good stuff There was a lot less magic than that.

This is back with I mean, I remember as a kid. There's like x-ray specs Oh, yeah, where as a kid you're like you can buy x-ray specs and then I bought all that you get them and you're like These are absolute garbage. It's just bullshit.

Yeah, I bought at least four or five bald caps. Yeah Thinking I'm going to look bald, but then they're all folded and they don't, you know. Yeah. They look insane.

Did you buy it in bulk or did you just never give up? No, I didn't.

I never gave up. Thinking it's got to get better.

Surely the, the bulk cap that's the same price as the last one will be a step up in quality.

Not knowing that you have to like use spirit gum and makeup and everything to make it work. Yeah. And that it's not folded a million times.

Yeah. And you have to blend it in with your skin.

Right. But yes, I had all that stuff. Yeah. No, I bought most of my magic tricks. So yeah. At Marshall Fields, at the time, Marshall Fields had a whole magic department.

The Marshall Fields in Chicago turned into a Macy's, and then that shut down, and I went in when they were selling all of their fixtures, so I have two Marshall Fields mirrors in my home.

Oh, that's so cool. From the second floor bathroom. They are huge.

And there's a ghost trapped in one. Yep, 100%.

And what about, like, what is it now?

Oh, probably an empty building in Michigan.

Oh, I'm sorry. If it's Chicago, probably condos. It's probably upscale, very nice, very nice condos. That's State Street. That's prime real estate. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Hmm. What's actually like Groupons in one of those old buildings where like used to be Marshall Field or something. I can't remember.

Everything down there used to be Marshall Fields. And now it's an Apple store.

I'm so proud of myself for not buying the amount of mannequins I wanted to walk out there with. I was like, okay, what's my mannequin budget? And I was like, I need to go home right now or I'm about to buy the bottom of all their mannequins.

Someone sent me, I guess a year ago, frango mints that, you know. Yeah. If you're from Illinois, those are coveted. That's our currency. Someone must be saving them. I mean, someone must be producing them somewhere.

Yes. You can still buy them.

Yeah. Because it's frango mints for everyone outside of Chicago were made by Marshall Fields.

Frango mints and Garrett's popcorn are like the two gifts you give to people who used to live in Chicago. Right. I give Garrett's all the time. It smells great.

It's good. Wow. I've been shipping people Al's Italian beef. You're saying that's not... Oh no. Giardiniera?

Yeah, it's Giardiniera. Is Giardiniera a candle? I give him like a mason jar full of Chicago River water.

But from St. Patrick's Day, so it's green. It's festive.

So what they don't tell you is it's always slightly green. They do not know how to get the green out. Just centuries of green being dumped in.

I think I read something where the Chicago River is like the only river where they force it to go the opposite way or something, right?

Yeah, and they're proud of that. So all the wastewater goes down the Mississippi, as opposed into beautiful Lake Michigan.

Yeah, we'll make it St. Louis' probably.

Yeah, that's pretty much why they did it.

And people say conversion therapy doesn't work. It works with water. We did it to the Chicago Redivert.

We could do it to your son. What a nightmare. I have nightmares about that whole lock system where they could make it reverse. Oh, yeah, yeah. They have locks. I always, I still to this day think I'm gonna drown in a lock.

So I don't know if I've ever seen a lock. Well, you've never done the boat tour? No, I've heard those are amazing.

I feel like you could give that boat tour.

It feels like you remember a lot. Yeah, give the Chicago architectural boat tour, but as a universal

On my side of the boat, you might see the building where the Kennedys built. The merchandise mart, Joe Kennedy, fun fact, used to be a Rum Runner.

This is where they punched a horse in blazing saddles. That just looks like a lake.

Over on the driver's side of the boat are all the streets they used in the Blues Brothers. Thanks for watching! Yeah, it's a lot of like this and you're always smiling and it's blah, blah, blah.

The idea of a universal tour guide just disassociating at the end of the day, just not speaking in their home. I do want to see a scene.

We're going to see our first scene. Erin, you are a, everyone quit on the same day, so you are a universal stand-in tour guide. You've never given the tour, but you were the only person around who would take the job. Michael and JPC, you are the only two guests on the tour.

Hey. Hi. Hey, so where are y'all from?

I'm from Ames, Iowa.

Wow, and you?

I am from Michigan City, Texas.

Excellent.

I see your name is Cheryl and that your favorite movie is Back to the Future.

Yeah, well, I had to use someone else's name tag. Never seen that flick. Do you know any movies?

Well, I love Back to the Future.

Great, and that's famously about...

It's about going back into the future.

Excellent.

Three of them.

So here we're gonna kick off our tour. Here's some movie posters. Oh, we're going down a hill. Oh, couldn't read that one. That one's gone now too.

Is this hill famous for anything?

Movies. My boss is.

Hill Street Blues. This is the hill from Hill Street Blues.

Hill Street Blues.

Oh. Is the squirrel part of the tour?

Or?

Squirrel?

Where's the squirrel?

That squirrel is depressing from Will and Grace.

No. Stop the tram. I need to see that squirrel.

We can't stop because now we're going.

It's gone. I hope there's another squirrel. To our left. We have squirrels just like that in Michigan City, except everything's a little bigger in Texas. I love that squirrel. I'm glad I got some photos of him.

Yeah, well that was Debra Messing. She's very busy woman here on Willing Grace.

Oh, well that's been over for years. Even the reboot's been over for years.

Oh goodness, let's see.

Have you ever met Debra Messing? I heard she's really nice.

Yeah, so kind. Let's see. When did you meet her? I'm Cheryl of my favorite movie spectrum.

Who are the nicest people in Hollywood?

You guys seem pretty nice and you're technically in Hollywood right now.

I'm on the run. You look familiar.

Sir, are you a celebrity?

No, I'm just in case the ride breaks down. I'm a mechanic. But I did work on a TV show. What was it? I want to say that it was Everybody Loves Raymond.

That can't be us. That's not us. Is that us?

Well, I don't exclusively work for Universal.

I'm... Well, I get out of here, man. You're not helping at all.

Oh, well you didn't have to push him out.

Oh, and now this is Psycho, the house from Psycho. Wow.

Wow. It's huge.

Oh, we're gonna make it flood.

Oh.

Did it flood in the movie?

No, this is another part. This is the... I'm trying to remember actual parts of the story.

Oh Cheryl, you're so good. You're doing a great job. You're doing such a good job. I want your autograph later.

Did someone say blood?

Ray Romano. I didn't think that was universal.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah. So that's basically riddles.

So let's get into some riddles. We're going to do some warm up riddles. Sure. Warm up riddles. Yeah. Did they get harder? They get harder. Oh boy. So just to kind of ease us in, let's do some simple riddles here.

Adal did say simple riddles, but to be clear, these are just warm-up riddles. They might be very difficult. We're not going to insult anyone with saying simple.

Thank you so much. What is stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun?

Jesus! That was easy.

I see why you call them warm-up riddles. Famously bitched on the cross when the sun was up. Yeah, okay. Well, that was easy.

What's the next one? And there will be no rebuttal.

The original Man of Steel. When they were making Clark Cannon Superman, they used Jesus as a map.

The human spirit. Erin, no.

What is stronger than steel but can't handle the sun? This is a weird one in terms of, I don't know that I'd say this is stronger than steel. I could be, I mean they say that like spider webs are stronger than steel. Who says that? Spiders. It's spider propaganda.

Spiders at bars.

I built a car on a spider webs and it fucking sucked. I would get in so many accidents. The airbags would go off and my car would go up into the sky.

Stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun. Oh.

Stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun. Is this, and this is sometimes the case with Riddles, is sun spelled like S-O-N? Is this like a... That's a great question. It's S-U-N. Okay, now that doesn't help me because I can't remember which one is which as far as spelling is concerned.

Is it the moon?

Not the moon, Erin, but that is a interesting... They don't like each other.

They can't stand each other.

Stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun. A black hole. Uh, no, but that's closer.

That's closer?

Yeah, so is it like a force, like gravity? It is. It's something that's found in nature frequently. Again, I'm very caught up on- Grasshopper.

Grasshopper. Yeah, what he said.

Grasshopper. Give me a Cosmo of Bloody Mary and a Grasshopper to make it stronger than steel.

It's not Grasshopper.

It's not Grasshopper.

Is it water?

Is it- Well. Ice. It is ice. Oh, I got it right. Did I just... Michael, you walked right into it. Once again, the guest has outdone the host.

So, Adal.

No, I had help. I got a button to pick with you. You don't think ice is stronger than steel? No. Yeah, me neither, huh? I couldn't take an ice pick to steal and chip away chunks of steel, could I? I don't know what metric this person is using. That riddle is bullshit.

That's our tagline. You're fitting right in.

And that riddle is from Stefan and it says here that it's Stefan's last birthday. I'm not sure. I'm not sure why they chose to include that detail, but, uh, happy birthday, Stefan.

Well, since we're already on the steel train, why don't we do one more? I'm, uh, that involves steel. Okay. I'm full of holes, but strong as steel. What am I?

Oh my God.

Full of holes, but strong as steel.

This could be Swiss cheese. Whoever's writing these riddles is a fucking idiot. Um, well... Full of holes, but strong as steel. Hmm. Most of the plots from Glee.

You cannot challenge them.

You can't deny. They were pretty strong plots. Strongest steel. And you brought it up to the EPs on set, right? Can we make these plots stronger? This isn't gleeful. Let's see.

So, strongest steel, full of holes. Erin, by the way, I want to acknowledge I love person because we don't think about it, but people are full of holes.

Superman would technically work for this answer. That's not what I have here, but that would technically work. Yeah. Why? Superman's, well, he's got a few holes.

Let's listen. We got two in the nose, two assholes, famously. He's got the asshole in the cloaca because he's from Krypton.

Okay, what is this? What has holes?

Yeah, he had a famous piercing in his dick.

You say famous, I say infamous.

I do want to see you say that. It's a perspective thing. This will be JPC you are going in to get a tattoo. Okay. Or JPC you're giving a tattoo. Michael you're going in for a tattoo and you are Superman. Okay. But you're in your Clark Kent disguise.

You're my two o'clock.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm early.

Oh, it's totally fine.

Time just flies by. I don't get why that's funny, but no, it's totally fine. I didn't have my one. It's already over. So what are we, what are we doing today? Well, we're not doing kryptonite. That's the last thing I want on my body. Okay. No, it's yeah, I use all, I just ink. It's just ink here. So you don't have to worry about, I'm not breaking any health codes or anything like that.

Is it weird to get a Britney Spears tattoo?

Uh, no, I mean, lots of, I mean, it's not weird to get inherently a Britney Spears tattoo. I don't see a lot of like very good looking adult men to get Britney Spears tattoos, but I can give you any tattoo that you want.

Yeah. All right. Well, if you don't mind, you just put it right next to Christina Aguilera. I appreciate that.

Oh, okay. By the way, are you going for like a full sleeve of female pop stars? Because this is this is quite a lot.

Thank you so much. Some of them are not pop stars. There's Rosemary Clooney. That is Rosemary Clooney. I was having the damnedest time figuring out who it was. It's a little like Eleanor Roosevelt if I flex.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you said right next to Christian Aguilera? Yes, please, if you don't mind. And then if you don't mind, if we have time. Sure. Maybe a big S on my chest. Okay. Just cuz.

A tattoo.

Yes.

Okay. Gotcha. I didn't know if you were coming on to me.

Come on to you.

Well, I don't know if you wanted me to take a big S on your chest. This is a very common thing for me. I give out an energy. I've been told from previous girlfriends that I give out an energy of a person who is into that kind of

I have to admit I have a little bit of a chubby which can be a problem with my pair of sinks.

Well now I want a Rosemary Clooney tattoo of her just singing snow.

I think that's one that you have to also write on the tattoo of Rosemary Clooney.

This is what everyone's going to do. From White Christmas.

Did we get the answer to that one? We did not. I'm full of holes and strongest steel. Michael is pretty close with the Prince Albert. And I'll also say this is... That can't be pretty close. The other hints I'll give is Fleetwood Mac.

What?

Okay. Strongest steel and full of holes. A rumor.

Well then it's got to be a piercing of some sort.

Fleetwood Mac. A cheese grater. Prince Albert is like a penile piercing and then is there like an additional attachment to it? Let me look. For listeners, Michael is taking out his shirt.

He's taking out a Spanish to English dictionary.

I only know the term for this in Spanish.

I can't tell. It's all rust.

I love the diet coke. I could be conflating this to something else, but wasn't it true that Stevie Nicks did a lot of cocaine and destroyed her? Oh, sweetie.

Oh, that's supposed to be Stevie Nicks' nose. Has it hurt us?

Oh, no. It might be full of holes because the hole merged into... But it withstood all that cocaine, so strong as steel. Strong as steel. What was it, Erin?

Ears?

It's not ears. So this is, again, I think this involves, this is involved in Prince Albert, but I could be wrong. I might misunderstand what a Prince Albert is.

Oh, oh, a chain! A chain!

A chain! A chain!

Oh, full of hope!

Yeah, I like that. You could never break the chain. Mm-hmm. Probably the best Fleetwood Max. I bet you everyone listening got that riddle like 10 minutes ago.

They're shouting at us. We get a lot of people who say that they scream at their phone, which I guess is what we provide for people in their commute.

We can't hear them. We also do ads for at-home therapy, so I think a lot of those same people could kind of find a happy grandmother.

Oh good, that's smart. You make them angry and frustrated, then you cure them. Because that's how therapy works. I'm cured. I'm cured, finally.

Got all my diplomas for therapy on my back wall of all my graduations.

No more growth.

My therapist always just hands out stickers at the end.

See me after class. Okay, let's do another one here. This will be our last warm-up riddle. This is, I can be long or I'm sorry, I can be long or I can be short. I can be black, white, brown, or purple. You can find me the world over and I am often the main feature. What am I? Oh, this is a belt.

Oh. It's the traveling cast of the Teletubbies.

Tour. They're touring.

Yes, it's a touring show. A belt probably is right. I can be long or I can be short. I can be black, white, brown, or purple. You can find me the world over and I'm often the main feature. The four belt colors.

That is a belt for every occasion. Black for every season. Funerals. White. Weddings. And birds.

And new popes. And birds.

Brown and purple. And what was the last part of it?

You can find me the world over and I am often the main feature. I think main feature is a pretty good clue. Main feature. Is it a food? Erin ding ding ding. Oh, it's a feature in main, Erin. What kind of purple food do they have in main? Lobster.

Eggplant.

Long or short is pretty helpful. Not to me. White and brown is probably the best other hint. Black and purple is a little more rare. Hmm.

A bruised banana.

Yeah, is it like a fruit or a vegetable?

No. Is it an animal?

No. You have 19 questions left. But you said Maine attraction, which makes me either think it's like a lion or it's from like the coast. It's M-A-I-N.

Are you eating lions?

Depends. What do we think about them?

They used to feed lions to prisoners. Is it ice cream? It's not ice cream. Oh, that's too bad. I wish it was ice cream.

Yeah. Can we go get some now? Let's go.

We're going. Oh, is it Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future? For the last three years. I can be long or short. I can be black, white, brown, or purple. You find me the world over and often the main feature. Adal said long and short is like a crucial, a crucial part of this, right? It's helpful. I think long and short is helpful and brown and white is helpful. Again, black and purple is pretty rare. I've had black of this. I don't think I've ever had purple this. Round and white.

Is it like a candy?

It's not candy. Is it gravy? It's not gravy.

Is it sweet?

It's not sweet.

It can be sweet.

It can be sweet with, if you add like mango.

Potato.

And you make it sticky. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Rice?

It's rice. Ah. Long and short.

Long grain. Long grain. Long grain.

Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain.

Long grain.

Long grain.

Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain.

Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain. Long grain

Yeah. Yeah, we hate them too.

Because you have to Google, is purple rice a thing?

Apparently it is. I guess so.

I guess so.

You never listen to Prince?

Oh, purple rice, purple rice. Absolutely.

Maybe South America has purple rice.

It could. Hey, I don't know that I've ever had purple rice. I've had black rice before. Yes, they also call it forbidden rice. Specifically with sushi, I feel like is where I've had black rice. I don't think I've had black rice in any other context. And then White and Brown, never. That's a mystery to be of.

Never even fucking heard of that.

That's insane.

Um, I lied. We're gonna do one more and then we're gonna take a break. I'm so sorry. Michael, I'm so sorry. I'm a little liar.

No, when I said, when I said, oh, that was like, like a delightful-o is what I meant.

My favorite type of cereal.

Oh, a liar. I've always wanted more Riddles.

What grows up while growing down? What grows up while growing down? Clint Howard.

What do plants, like, root vegetables? The shorter he gets, the better he is. Root vegetables. Root vegetables.

A lot of people don't know this. Clint Howard was 6'6", and they said, Clint, we can never cast anyone opposite you because of the framing. And then he started shrinking, and he started picking up roles.

And his basketball career was over.

And by the way, that book that he and Ron Howard wrote is fantastic. The boys. Really? It's great. And I'm not kidding. It's a really great book.

Read it. I gotta pick that up.

Yeah. Okay. What grows up while going down?

What was it again? You got it. What grows up while growing down? I liked Erin's answer. Like carrots or something. Yeah. Root vegetables? It's not root vegetables. This is a living thing. To quote ELO, it's a living thing. What do you think carrots are? Fucking vegetables. So it's an animal? It is an animal. What grows up while growing down?

Your hair does that too, right? It's the same thing, like the roots go down and the hair comes out?

Human. Human.

Erin's pointing at me.

The keys are twirly. Yeah, let's see.

Well, if it was what gets old while growing down, it would be my balls.

Wait, let me check.

That's not the riddle.

Old carrot balls Hitchcock over here.

That's why you got the shade in stone.

You just crank the shade back up and it takes the balls right back up. I wish. I wish. I need to find that on Amazon.

Michael's wearing shorts and it's a bit of a Newton's cradle situation. It's kind of a perpetual emotion machine. So it's what grows up? It's what grows up? I'm gonna start doing that anytime I go to a spa. It's just like sit next to somebody else and just like grab one testicle and let it swing.

I'm not bailing you out of jail. I'm going to go let him stay here.

Just keep talking.

Once I explain the idea, the guy next to me will have no complaints.

I would ask them first. What grows up while growing down? Down is probably the key word here. It's a living thing. A goose. It's a goose or a duck? It's a goose, yes. I do want to see a scene. Because the down's the feathers. I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are a young duckling. We'll call you an ugly duckling. I'm comfortable saying that because you're so handsome. Uh, Michael and Erin, you are the, uh, JPC's parents. You were also geese or ducks. And, uh, JPC as a young duckling has noticed some, some feathers in places where there was no feathers, some down where there was no down. And so we're having a little talk. Oh, I'm glad you could join us today, Benjamin.

Hey man, travel.

Benjamin, everything that's happening to you is totally normal.

Totally normal. And my voice is gonna, it's not gonna be like this forever, right? Yes, it is. Because of my accident?

Yeah. Yeah. You swallowed all those horns.

I was horny. Oh, bitch. But I've never been that before, because I'm kind of growing into a body that I don't understand. Well, you're at that special age where everything changes. It's magical. Can I ask you guys some questions about just kind of some things that are going on in my body?

As long as they're not gross.

Well, I don't... Okay, so first off, I'm finding feathers in places that like I didn't ever have feathers before. Like in my poops. Like there's just a lot, like a lot of feathers.

Like it's mostly feathers.

Like it's mostly feathers.

They're supposed to be growing out of you, not growing into you.

Well, I have a confession to make at night. I just stick feathers in his poop just for a laugh or two.

Sweetheart.

I'm sorry. Okay, that makes so much sense. Yeah, it's just... Because I should have mentioned, it's not when it comes out. It's like a day later when I go back to check. It's a day later when you're looking at it. I understand. We all like to go back and look at our poops.

The boys in my house. My God.

Actually dad bought me a disposable camera specifically to go back and take pictures of them later.

We wanted to talk to you about the birds and the bees. Our neighbors. They've been hearing you scream at night.

Okay. Yeah. So I was going to say that I'd been having some like really bad dreams.

Oh, Benjamin. That's why you should not watch horror films.

Okay, well, seems like a lot of judgment. That's a lot of judgment. I'm interested in the genre. I feel like I can appreciate it for the art. It's all about the scariness to be. You're going through duck puberty. Am I going to be okay?

No, you're going to be a mattress. Or a pillow.

I feel like don't they now do mostly like memory foam? Not here. Oh man. And now we'll take you to an ad probably about a pillow or a mattress. We'll be right back with more.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm competent. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by Salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is uh, this is GPC and um... I'm here too. Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster, but we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might. Be snuggly ever.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that. Okay, because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes Thanks for watching! All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off buyraycon.com slash riddle.

Oh, Adal. It's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume is 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it. We miss you boy, get better soon! Adal, Erin, thank goodness you're here. Time is of the essence. I am trapped underneath this huge piece of metal and the only... Oh, actually, you know what? Hold on. I have to get to this within the first 30 seconds. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. And Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. I'll get to your questions about the car that I'm trapped under in a second. Whether you're just standing out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, out, hold on, oh my, like, okay, no, I'm not done, and I have to get to this, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms.

I was gonna say, JPC, oh my god, don't they also have an online store available? You can sell all your products, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products, Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

Oh no, you're stuck under a car! And you can get started with one of their professional website templates with designs for every category to use. Then customize your look, update content, and add features to fit your unique needs. You can make any Squarespace template that you want so your idea, brand, or business stands out online on every device. Help JPC. We gotta help him.

Help JPC. You know what, Erin? It's fine. I was able to get out with my own ingenuity. Thanks and no part to my great assets. Hey, and speaking of assets, you could upload, organize, and access all of your content from one place. With a new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform. Well, I bet you are wondering how I got in this mess, huh?

Oh, sorry. I'm over here eating. Did you, did you need us?

Yeah, we're over here eating.

What are you guys eating? Get your pet pee.

Okay, so head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That is www.squarespace.com slash Riddle to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Wait, that's not a car on you, that's a backpack! You can't play the guy for joy! He is wearing a backpack! Come on, get out of here! Scram!

How often do y'all come out here?

I live here now. I moved here last year. Oh yeah, that's nice.

So you do the thing from, yeah, by the magic of... The Internet. Yeah, that's great. Zoom.

And then Blossom, we were out here, like this was 2019, but the show that we're doing on Sunday, we were supposed to do May of 2020. Wow. And it just got pushed.

Wow. Yeah. How often are you doing improv here? None of your business.

Fucking fair enough Michael.

Hey, can we edit when I said that I think the world of this go? We can edit in what world you think.

I do it. Yeah, I try to do about once a month. I'll go to a show at the Groundlings or something. Yeah.

So. You still perform, like, is that sketch? Is that characters?

It's improv, like, they do, yeah, they do sketch on Fridays and Saturdays, and then they do improv Wednesdays and Thursdays. Gotcha. So, and Wednesdays is long form, Thursdays is short form, I usually do short form.

Okay. I think Groundlings is like the biggest mystery to me in terms of like, Because I think what I've heard from Phil Hartman, Molly Shannon, it's all character stuff, but I guess it is also improv. They do everything. Like written characters.

Yeah, they do a lot of sketch for the shows. For the showcases. For the school, it's a lot of improv training. Do you have a preference between short form and long form? Well, I grew up doing more short form, so that's what I'm used to. I do do long form. It can be fun or it can be torturous, but then so can short form.

You know, I mean... The thing that I like about short form is you have like an out and a gimmick. So it's like, you know, it's like, this one's only going to go three minutes and maybe the audience didn't like it, but we're going to have a bunch more that they could maybe sink their teeth into.

You can cleanse their palate pretty fast. Wherewith long form it's like... You'll cleanse your palate in 45 minutes.

Yeah, if you didn't get it in the first five minutes, it's not getting better.

But then on long form, if you get stuck and nobody gets you out of the scene and you're just going and you're like, I'll tag myself out.

I don't care.

Oh, after a while, you're like, please, I think this is awful. And like, get me out. Or you're watching the scene and you're enjoying it. And then you're going, oh, I'm in the show.

I should edit.

Maybe I should get out there. So that happens too. It's like very strange. But I've woken up from like at three o'clock in the morning from short form things that went horribly wrong from 20 years ago.

I'm not kidding.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So it's like, oh, how did that? Oh my gosh.

Yeah. So do you have any, uh, we, it's funny because before we started recording, we were sharing some like, um, corporate horror stories of like the worst. Cause I used to do comedy sports in Indianapolis and we did a lot of corporate shows for like Christmas parties and stuff like that. And we, one of the worst, I think I've probably even talked about it on the show before and I'm assuming we're back into the show. Are we back recording? Okay. But one of the worst ones that I ever did was a Christmas party, and I think someone was joking when they introduced us, but they brought us up to the stage by saying like, hey, we could have given y'all Christmas bonuses, but instead we hired these guys, ladies and gentlemen, comedy sports! And everyone, like, a pain could have dropped in this, and there was everyone just scowling at us, and we did a full hour, and it was the worst hour of comedy that I've ever done in my life.

Oh yeah, I've been in a few that have been just awful and one of them was a black tie dinner for the mayor of LA. And for some reason we were in a ballroom downtown at a hotel and the sound was garbled so they couldn't really understand us so everyone just ate their meal and wasn't paying any attention to us except to boo us or whatever and one of the people was like hey mayor what do you hope for next year and he went hopefully better comedy than this and the whole place applauded so that happened and then I had to get up to end the whole thing and I was singing a song set to the tune of Camelot and I had dancers behind me and I thought finally they're paying attention because they were they weren't they were looking and watching and what I didn't know this happened is one of the dancers that was dressed up like a little girl fell off the back of the stage into a drum kit Crawl back up on stage, she was now missing a shoe, and her whole leg was bleeding. And she was limping, trying to fit. So she's bleeding and limping, missing a shoe. And that's what they were watching. And I thought, ah, I finally got him. The better comedy. It was, it was just awful.

Why didn't she give up?

I know, I would have given up. I would have just sat on that drum kit all day.

That is so funny.

Which is the title of your Adal Rifai, right?

Yeah, in front of black tie dinner. So they paid like, you know, a couple hundred bucks to be there.

We did that show that was all divorce lawyers in the audience and not a one laugh. It was an hour and a half. It's the worst. And they hated it.

And we had to do, we had to do improv based off their business newsletter. So they have like an internal newsletter.

Dry, dry, dry, dry, dry.

And it was like the most horrendous stuff of like, here's why these people got divorced and like someone was murdered and da da da. And then they're like, make that funny. And we're like. Hey Riddle.

For Comedy Sports, it actually worked out well most of the time. We had this two-page info sheet that we had sent to the contact and it was all like, tell us about your business. Tell us some characters around the office, yada yada yada. And one time, someone filled this out and we were like, okay, so you're gonna get this bit, you're gonna get this bit, I'll get this bit. We go and we do the show. It became obvious about five minutes into the show that the person who filled it out, no one knew any of the people they were fucking talking about. Like those people weren't there, or they had never met them. Because people would usually be like, I hope Bob doesn't need any more of the pork from last year's picnic. And people would, you know, laugh or applaud. We would say something like that. People would be like, what? What? No. What is this guy talking about? Who the fuck is Bob? What's pork?

The only thing that works is if you know who their rival is. So like I remember doing, I did a corporate gig for Tropicana. And we, I can't even think of it. Oh, what it was, was during the scene, like nobody was laughing. So there was a scene where I was like, uh, Hey Tony, you work for Minute Maid, right? Fuck you. And everyone was like losing their minds, like standing up and clapping. So it's like, if you do that, they'll like get into it. But other than that, they don't, they're all dead inside.

Well, one thing we would do though, to just get through it. is we would play jokes on the people that were in it with us and one of the things I did I had to write one of them and and I told the person in charge of whatever this was I said we have a guy he does the best Mick Jagger you have ever seen. Then we told my friend Tim, like, you have to do Mick Jagger. He's like, I don't do impressions.

Like, what?

It was so mean and it was so much fun to watch him prancing around, having to sing like, instead of, I can't get no satisfaction, I was like, I can get satisfaction. Not quite weirdo. Doing the worst, worst impression of Mick Jagger. I can't get no Michelin tire.

I think it was for like HP printers. Oh, I just looked it up.

It was for HPV.

I remember there's a story of like Joe Flaherty, is that his name? Yeah, from STTV. When he was at Second City in either Toronto or Chicago, wherever he was, probably Canadian, but he would do, people would be doing a set and he would walk on stage and go ring, ring, ring, and then pick up a fake phone and go, hello, and then go up to someone and go, it's for you, and then walk off stage. Like that was his famous thing he'd do every night to where everyone was like, I hate this guy.

Yeah, of course.

That's so mean. But it's very funny. Well, speaking of being mean to people that we don't deserve it, let's do some more riddles.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, can you, uh, JBC, can you fasten Michael's ropes? They're getting loose.

I'm just gonna, and then Casey insert like a big wheel crank here.

Like I'm raising a castle drawbridge because I'm so excited. I don't want to break free.

Which three letters can frighten a thief away?

I see you. Erin, that's right. It is?

Were you looking at my answer?

No, I just knew that.

Erin was looking directly at your book.

Oh, that's good. I knew that because of the book CDB. Have you ever read that book? It's a children's book. No. It's all written with just letters. So it's like CDB. Oh, yes. D-B-S-A-B-Z-B. Oh, great. Oh, S-N-D. Like it's exhausting. Oh, S-N-M. The B is in S-N-M. The kids are like, what the fuck is this? This sucks.

That's incredible. I think I read that based on you. I think you recommend it to me.

I keep telling people about that book. I can't get enough of it.

I guess I don't understand what is the answer to this riddle because the thief doesn't want to get sick long term.

I see you. Yeah, go to the intensive care unit.

Yeah. Nobody does, right?

See you. I see you.

Yeah. Oh! Tsk, tsk, tsk. I get it now. You really didn't get it? No, I didn't. Okay.

He's just an asshole. Sorry.

I'm supposed to be the dumb one. I'm like a labradoodle.

He's the worst man we know. We should have let you know that he's a terrible, terrible man.

Lovely and round, I shine with pale light. Thrown in the darkness, a lady's delight.

Is it not me?

A pearl.

It is a pearl.

I like riddles now. When I get them, they're good.

And a pearl, that's like, that's a claims tongue, right? It's a claims clitoris. Okay, got it. Cause the claim is the tongue.

Uh, how to answer this? Cause the tongue is a muscle? Well, no, a muscle's an oyster.

I'm packing my suitcase in the corner of the room while you guys are having this event.

What? I have a big mouth, and I'm also quite loud. Oh, Adal. Come on.

No, we don't think we should know that about you.

I think that you're a very level-headed man. Thank you. I have a big mouth, and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved with everyone's dirty business. What am I? I have a big mouth, and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved in everyone's dirty business.

Garbage can.

Oh, oh, yeah, that's a good one because garbage would the mouth of the garbage can bring the lid. Okay.

Stop everybody when they were. I didn't, I didn't give it to you.

Stop. Stop put garbage cans on the map. I wonder how like what people were slacking off at work to invent that show.

They're like trash instruments.

Todd, listen to this. Tink, tink, tink, right?

Am I crazy? Tink, tink, right? And Todd was like, yes, you're crazy.

But here's a million dollars.

Went back to painting his face blue.

Go play off Broadway, baby.

Blown man group, thank you. I have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved in everyone's dirty business. I think quite loud and dirty. Yes, Erin, it's a vacuum. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one.

Man. I'd like to see a scene. Okay. The three of you are households, like appliances. Brave little toaster. And you're gossiping about the other household items. You can decide what you are.

Did you guys hear? Hey, AC unit. AC.

AC.

Did you hear? Did you hear about what the broom did?

Oh, again?

Yeah.

Oh, here he comes. Oh, here he comes. Hey, broom. What's up? Hey, broom. How you doing? How's it going, everyone? What's in your bristles? We saw. We saw.

Okay, fine. Hey, everyone knows? I guess everyone knows that, huh? Yeah, everyone knows. Dogshit on the rug that tried to clean up with the broom.

How's it feel, huh?

Not great! How does it smell worse? Yeah, I don't know. For me the feeling is probably the worst, but the smell is a close second. I'll be honest. I can tell you what's gonna happen next. I'm just gonna throw you away.

Yeah, we're gonna get a new broom. Do you know how many brooms we've gone through as a mop? I've been here for 12 years and AC's been here for 16. 16? Do you know how many brooms we've seen come and go? About 47. About 47 fucking brooms.

Do you guys ever at any point

When the dog shits on the rug, say anything about like, hey, maybe don't reach for a broom. Maybe broom is the wrong tool for that.

Do you know what happens if we talk? If we get caught talking?

And how do you guys think I feel? I'm the rug. Hello? Look at me.

Oh, actually rug. I heard that this is actually like a thing that you are into. Yeah, an S on your chest.

I think. What? Me? The rug?

You have a real S on your chest energy.

No, me, the rug.

S on your chest. Energy. That means she's super.

Yeah. Um, I'm not into it, but if you guys want to like spill on me.

What? Oh, what?

Spill something.

Uh, I'm in an AC unit. You're full of crayon. Yeah, I can try to get some over there.

I was just kind of dribbling out of him. It looks like... Looks like an alert kid getting out of a pool. I'm sorry, I'm getting old. Yeah, 16 years for an ACU. That's quite a long time.

Maybe if you squeeze it? Squeeze what? How dare you.

You're killing him!

Oh man.

Look, he's falling asleep. Oh no.

Yeah, his condenser tube is bad, so he can't stay up for more than like 20 minutes at a time.

Sorry, your guys are just gonna have to be hot for a while.

We gotta unplug him, right? Honestly, I think it's time.

Mop, do you want to do the honors?

Yeah, let me just... How did this go from making fun of a broom to killing me? Here's our next riddle. They fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my arm, I work the opposite way. What am I? Does a bladder have an arm?

I don't know enough about the body.

They fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my arm, I work the opposite way.

What am I?

An old timey pump in the back forty. It's the gas pump man.

What do you say? What do you say?

They fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my arm, I work in the opposite way. Toilet.

That's a good guess.

Reverse toilet?

Yeah, if you go inside and you lift it up, it all fills it at the take. Right? That's how a toilet works. Yes. You raise my arm. Oh, I think I got it. Is it a mailbox? It's a mailbox. Here's the thing that gave me pause. I don't have, my mailbox is just like a mail slot on the side of my house. There's no arm or anything on it.

I don't think there's mailboxes in LA anymore. Hey Riddle.

And recently, I don't know about you, I always understood from growing up and having that male experience that if you wanted them to take a letter, like pick it up, you would just put it like sideways and like sticking out of the mailbox. Is that?

That's what we do. That's what you do mostly. Yeah, but when you did put the thing up, that was- That was very clear, like coming at this male in the mailbox.

Lately. I don't know, I've never had a conversation with the person who delivers my mail, but I've been putting mail that I want to go out, like sideways in the mailbox, and they'll just open it up and put the new mail in and close it. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I just need to talk to my post office delivery person and be like, hey, you tell me how do I do this? What's the protocol?

You're going out of your way not to say mailman, and I love it.

Well, I truly don't know the gender of my post office delivery person. Yeah, but I was going out of my way to not say mailman.

I did this last December. We left, I think $50 or something for our mailman. Wow. And it was something where it's like, it was like a nice thing to do, but then we also like never see him. So we're like, we hope he got it, but we never, like, how does he thank us?

Do you know what day of the year you do that so that I can just stop

I don't know if I told you guys but I saw the wildest thing I was out walking my dog in my neighborhood and there was an old woman who was on like the corner and she had like a cup like a to-go cup and I was walking my dog up the block and then I was walking back and she was still out there standing like maybe like five or ten minutes but I was like is she waiting for a car or something but then I saw the male person come and like she that male person gave her the mail and she gave them like the hot cup of whatever she had and I was like This lady, I think this lady is just standing out here waiting for the male person to be like, here's your coffee, Joe.

Oh my God. Do you think they're in love?

I think I, yeah, it must be.

It must be that.

I need to see that scene. They gotta get married on a Sunday. Yeah. Okay. So what we will see a scene. So Michael, you will be the, uh, That's what I said.

What? Yeah, let him sit this one out. He tried desperately to dodge it.

Michael, you will be a guy... I'm going to be the audience.

You'll be a guy walking his dog.

You'll be a guy walking his dog. You're not part of this, but you do get to see it. I'm just suddenly walking my dog. Erin, you're going to be the mail delivery person, and Adal, you are waiting for the mail delivery person to try to show that you are a person that could be interested in them.

Hi.

Hi, good morning.

Sorry to be in the bushes here, I just wanted to catch you.

Sorry, that was a delayed fear.

No, yeah, of course.

I got some mail for you.

I have some breakfast for you.

Oh, um, I would love to. I mean, I have to deliver all these letters by... I can do it.

Do you want to sit on my porch and eat breakfast while I run your route?

That's so sweet of you. Let me just give you some of your mail here. Your STD test results. Oh, that's not what you think.

STD stands for South Tennessee Democrats. Wink.

Okay.

And what was the other one you said? Lonely person. Yeah, that stands for large. Organs never entirely leave you. It's okay.

I don't judge people's mail. You don't have to worry.

I'm a lonely little herpes man.

What? Sorry, I didn't hear you just then. You could probably change what you just said.

I was just singing a song. The chain. Listen, I have a letter. Do you dictate? Is that a term? Can I read to you a letter I want to send?

Sure.

From part to your name.

Okay.

Every morning, I see you out the window. Wait, hold on.

I have one more letter for you. Oh, interesting. Wonder who it's from.

Okay. You are positive for herpes.

Oh shit, sorry, I had to do the wrong letter. This one.

Okay. Dear 417 East Second Street. From Anonymous.

Yeah, who could it be?

Deliver me, baby.

That's not from me. No, this is also the wrong letter.

I'm sorry, that's from me. Hey man, are you gonna clean up your dog's shit? Your dog's been shit on every lawn of this block.

Oh, I'll get a broom. Using a broom to clean up shit is a very visceral image.

That's a nightmare. I actually hate that.

That's truly a great image. I can't imagine seeing someone doing that.

To wrap up the episode, I did want to introduce a new segment, and this is called, I'm coming up with this title on the spot. I think we're going to call this a tip of the hat, a wink of the eye, a raise of the cane, goodbye. And you just came up with that? I think so. That's the name of the segment? I guess so, yeah. Okay, great. I hope. And what it is, is I'm going to read you some old timey sayings and you have to tell me what you think they mean. So this is kind of a puzzle, fun little puzzle. So these are terms from the old timey dictionary and you have to guess what they mean. So for example's sake, what do we think a wet sock meant back in the olden days? Oh, you're an old wet sock. If somebody gave you the old wet sock.

Hey Dame, you're an old wet sock and I love you.

That's like an unmarried woman who's like 26. Close.

He's an old wet sock. The old wet sock? You passed your prime. So if someone were to give you a wet sock, what do we think that meant? So they would give you this. This would be something... Okay, so I know like a sock also could be like a punch. So is this like... It is something to do with your hand.

It's like a warning.

Like a slap. Uh, getting closer. Warmer. Is this like one of those pranks where like you dip your hand in a pond and then you say like, hey, nice to meet you. You're giving them the brush off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

You're just like, peace be with you, peace be with you. A pine overcoat.

Or a wooden overcoat.

Oh, a pine overcoat is when you buy like an inferior wood for your deck and then you paint it like it's pine. You like stain pine on your deck.

Yeah. So a pine overcoat would be a coffin. That's what these are. Oh, sad.

He's in the old pine overcoat. Oh, that's kind of a good one, I like it. Yeah.

So with those in mind, we'll go through these. I won't let you sit too long because these are practice ones. Those are practice ones. Those are the ones he had the answers for. Those are the easy ones. The rest of them he doesn't know how they are.

So what do we think a happy cabbage was? That's the same... A baby that's smoking. And modern times we call that the popcorn trick. It's when you like cut a hole in the bottom of a popcorn, but obviously in the olden times they used a cabbage.

From Diner, Mickey Rourke, the old happy cabbage. That's what Amish people do.

When they're watching a barn.

So happy cabbage is a sizable amount of money to be spent on self satisfying things. How about in the ketchup? What do we think in the ketchup meant? This would be like a business term probably.

Oh, that I actually think could be like if a business is in the red, they're doing well. And then the black means they're doing poorly. So in the ketchup is like the business is going well.

It means you're in the red. Yeah, I think red's bad. Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. You're absolutely right. It's the reverse. So in the ketchup, you're exactly right. It means in the red are operating at a deficit. And I do handle the business.

I know that just made me so nervous.

That's pretty bad.

What about flub the dub?

Love it. Whatever it is, I love it.

That's when the Cubs went, right? When the Cubs went, you flubbed the dub? Flubbed the dub. That was the saying before, hey, hey.

Flubbed the dub dub.

Go, flubbed go.

Flubbed the dub means to evade one's duty. Oh.

They flubbed the dub and went to Canada instead of going after war.

Usually if I were to evade my duty, I'd just fly. Take a picture. It'll last longer. This is one of my favorites. What do we think a butter and egg man is? Butter and egg man. The old butter and egg man. Would that be the milk man? No. Oh, that's a good one.

No, no, no. The milkman, the butterman of the egg man. Like a family man. They all split a truck.

He's a butter and egg man.

I like that.

He'd make a stand-up husband.

Yeah. Oh, that's, yeah. He brings home the butter and the eggs.

Yeah, he'd only cheat on me twice, a week. I'm 26, I'm past my prime. I can't be picky.

They used to say bringing home the bacon, and that's like someone who provides for the family. So the butter and egg man is like, well, he's not really a provider, but he's close.

He's there emotionally.

That's what you are for your second family. Yeah, the butter and egg man.

I break up the bacon of this family, the butter and eggs to this family, and this family receives beyond Christmas. So this is this is made my favorite one. So butter and egg man is a wealthy but unsophisticated small-town businessman who acts like a playboy when he visits the big city.

Who has a pen? That's our movie. That's our movie.

Just such a long-winded...

Yeah, because that happens all the time.

I'm a big chut. I'm a big man. That happened one time.

How about that? That reminds me, I was at a small town strip club on a weeknight and there was a guy there who was like the king of the strip club. And I was like, what is this life?

You were there too, buddy. Yeah, but I was there to make fun of people.

What do we think it means to cop a mouse? Cop a mouse. Steal, probably. Steal, cop.

If you cop something, you steal it, right? Yeah. Close. Close.

Kiss a mouse.

Excuse me?

Nothing. Would you say that? I was never here.

Oh, cop a kiss, like I stole a kiss.

Yeah. No, but we're in the right area of the body. Hmm. So Coppa Mouse, this might be something you see in like an all-timey gangsta film. Like a peck, like a kiss, like a, that's a peck. It's a peck, but not with your lips.

You punch someone in the face.

It means to get a black eye. Ah, what? To Coppa Mouse? Coppa Mouse. Coppa Mouse. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Hey, that's the first one I gotta say.

Not for me. I'm not gonna use it. What do we think of fly rink refers to a fly rink? Michael, this might be something we would have called you when you ordered something in bulk. You might have sported an old fly rink. A penis piercing? No. Okay. A fly rink.

When I ordered it in bulk.

You ordered something in bulk, and when you put this on, we might have called it a fly rink.

Oh, a bald cat.

A bald cat? It's a bald head, is what you call a bald head. I was going through my list on Amazon thinking, what have I ordered in bulk? We have your Amazon purchase history here, and Mike we have a few questions.

Okay, what is adult toilet paper? Why is there that delineation on there? Why does it come in colors? Adult toilet paper comes shipped to your house in a nondiscrete brown package, so no one knows. I was embarrassed. What do we think this is? It's wider.

I'm not a weirdo, it's just wider.

It's just wider, it's for adults. Yeah, I had to get special fixtures in my house installed because it doesn't fit on a standard spool. Although, I don't know during COVID, but when COVID first started and you couldn't get toilet paper anywhere, and I went to Amazon and I got it, it was from China, and I finally got it months later. But it's little tiny toilet paper rolls, and I thought, bless their hearts, they hardly use any. And we Americans just use, or at least I do, I just can't get enough of them.

I'm addicted to this stuff.

I was ashamed. It's a shame to have no choice. Anyway, I use adult toilet paper. Now I actually just use the normal amount, because it's adult toilet paper.

It's wider.

You're gonna be a spokesman by the end of the sentence.

What do we think the sauce box was? Sauce box.

Not a vagina?

Liquor store or a bar. Yeah, a bar is a good guess. No. Erin, you're closest with vagina.

I'm closest with vagina.

But a little more north. Sauce box? Quite a bit north, I guess.

North of my vagina, still my vagina.

Yeah, it's referring to a mouth.

Internal North. That's very North of a vagina. My goodness.

Well, it depends how, you know, nevermind. If you're doing a handstand.

I was about to say if you're doing a handstand. Summer self. All these terms refer to the same thing. Okay. Having your flag out, being soapy eyed, full as a tick, seeing snakes, and being canned up or zozled.

Is it being in love?

You're no, but close.

Is it just being horny? Closer. I'm all Zozled. You just came.

You who, gentlemen, I'm all Zozled.

I'm seeing snakes, see? I just did a big Zozled cigarette.

Well, that was amazing. I'm seeing snakes.

I left you a little soapy eye with my apologies. Just so you know, pre-Zozled can still be printed. Didn't mean that. Didn't mean name right there, but now you're soapy eye.

You want a tissue?

I have the good stuff for adults. It's adult tissue. Happy flag out, being soapy-eyed, full as a tick, seeing snakes, canned up, or zozled means drunk.

Oh, I'm using all of those. I'm full as a tick.

Yeah, zozled's I've heard before, I guess.

I'm zozled right now.

I feel like zozled is a term like if you've had too much fruit loops or like I feel like it's like for like being very full on sugar cereal.

Yeah. Let's... How about the terms Master John Goodfellow, Gentlemen Usher, The Staff of Life, Saperean Scepter, or The Maple? These are all in reference to what?

Jesus?

The answer Jesus again? It rhymes with Jesus.

Jesus.

It's all turned for a penis.

The Maple. It's not. You're joking. It is. Read them again.

Mr. John Goodfellow, Gentlemen Usher, The Staff of Life, The Saperean Scepter, and The Maple.

I hate all of them.

Erin, you're going to love these then. Those are all piercings too, Erin. What about the Phoenix Nest, the Netherlands, Mount Pleasant, and Mrs. Fubb's Parlor?

Please be vaginas. Also, I'm starting a cocktail bar and those are all the drinks.

Welcome to Mrs. Fubb's Parlor. My Mrs. Fubb's Parlor's down here.

Oh my God.

Are those all it? Those are all it, yeah. Wow. That was fun. Where was Bramble Patch? Is that a term for a? No.

Where was Coot Scoot?

Oh, Billy Ray Cyrus?

This is so weird because none of my grandmas ever mentioned any of these terms and they talked about their hoo-has a lot.

Because I had questions. I want to see one last scene. Oh no. JBC, you're a grandma for Michael, Erin, and myself and you are having like a birds and the bees talk to us, but we don't understand the terminology you're using.

Well, normally your parents would be here for this, but they were too weirded out, and so Grandma wanted to step in. Grandma.

Oh, hi.

I hope he gets some candy.

Michael, you might be a little on the young side for this conversation, but it's important that you're all here listening to this.

I'm 21. Yeah, Michael's 21. His voice is young for his age. Oh, sure.

Because of the accident.

He swallowed all those horns. He swallowed the horns.

Well, I know that you're all going through some changes, except Michael has been through them and really should know this information, and your bodies are changing, and so Grandma just wanted to sit you down and talk about it. Like Erin. I know that your torchlight is probably full of wet kerosene.

Sorry, my what? And Adal.

I know that your Jimi Hendrix is singing the star-spangled banner.

What? You mean my whammy bar? I don't know of that term.

And you probably all want to smash your little piglets.

You mean my Mr. Magorium's Wondering Pig. Why would we want to kill pigs?

No, no, you want to smash your little piglets into each other's chicken nugget factories. Gross. But that's not the only, I just want you to know, that's not the only way that you can explore your sexuality.

Grandma, how old are you?

50, 60, 70, doesn't matter. You can also all put your little spongy dirt meat into each other's arctic caves.

If this is about sex, why is this so incestuous?

Yeah, and Grimmie, you're just looking around the room saying things you see.

No, for instance, you could put your Kaiser's Oz egg.

Your virtual gift. Well, Michael, thank you so much for sitting through this madness. Oh, this is so fun. I enjoyed myself very much. Good, good, good. Is there anything, we always like to ask, is there anything upcoming that you would like to, or in the past, that you'd like to plug or promote?

Well, I think, I think I just finished called the resort is going to be coming up on Peacock very soon. And it's, it's a really fun, Mystery about these these two people go on vacation and then all sorts of strange things happen. And it's yeah, it's gonna be I think it's gonna be fun. It stars Nick Offerman, and William Jackson Harper, and Kristen Malati, and it's it's great. It's really fun. Yeah, it'll be fun.

And I think it comes out this summer at some point. On Peacock you're saying? On Peacock. Yeah.

Love it.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Erin, anything you want to mention?

No, I just want to thank you again for coming.

Oh, my pleasure, Erin.

You're a big comedy person in my house. Your Christopher Guest performances. You being stressed out or on edge in any sort of film is like... Well, now that you've met me, you see them pretty much the case all the time. But that gets me... I'm just so honored to meet you. What a dream.

Yeah, I think you're the funniest person I've ever seen be mad. Like, you play such good low status anger. It's truly the best. You got to see it today when I was trying to park.

Damn, I wish I'd seen that. That would have been hilarious.

I wasn't really angry. I was just more like, I'm going to scratch my car all up.

Everyone was laughing at him. JPC, anything you'd like to plug? Yeah. Oh, I actually hate that I have to read this. Someone I greatly respect, but here we go anyway. I said I'd cede my plug time to read five-star reviews of the show, and someone wrote a five-star review, a Laura Lee Fay wrote a review that says, I do have something I'd like to plug, and then the review just says, my butt. So I assumed that they wanted me to read that and uh... It's so humiliating. But guess what? I actually don't have to plug my butt anymore because I started buying adult toilet paper.

It's wider. It's wider. It's wider.

Adal, anything that you would like to plug at the end? No. Great! Great! So just me saying the thing about my butt!

Erin, printed on every sheet of adult toilet paper, it's wider, is a picture of what?

Jupiter, it's wider!

By forever.

created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Casey Tovey to the editing, and our new parents at the theater.

Hey there, L's and A's. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's our LA Live show featuring Anthony Burch from Dungeons & Daddies. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. And you can add free episodes. See you there!