Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hello, everyone. We're going to start today with a poem written by friend and listener of the show, Sean Marr. It is topical to an episode that we've done this year, and I just need you all to stay quiet and stay in your seats. Are you ready?

I'm sorry. Was that so sorry? Is that and or? J.P.C., we're supposed to stay quiet. I know, but was it stay quiet and stay in your seats or was it stay quiet or stay in your seats? Because I just want to make sure that I want to make sure that it's both.

Yeah, so sit down. So can I reset? Hovering over your chair. So I can't sit down. Yeah, full sit. Okay.

Was the night of their life... Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Your seat got cold in that amount of time?

How? Did you do... Excuse me, Erin?

Yes.

I think Adal gave me a cold seat.

I think that your butt is just so hot that when you got up from your seat for just one second, he's not pranking you. Alright.

I promise I think you gave me a cold seat. Hey Erin.

Yeah.

James, you was right.

You been cold-seated. No! Cold-seated. Adal's dad packs him extra freezer packs in his lunchbox and he notes, he says, go to school and cold seat as many people as you can.

Okay, I have a real poem. I have a real poem. Okay.

How did you nail my dad's accent?

Towards the night of their live show and in the green room, the Clue crew was together, for real, not through Zoom. Erin drank some warm tea to preserve vocal health while JPC warmed up by pissing himself. When Adal first heard the slight noise of a hoof, Somebody thump thump. Great, thank you, Adal. Adal's listening. As the body thumped down, Erin grabbed her nunchucks. Adal took up the bat that he always had hidden underneath his hat. Then a figure emerged, plump and shrouded in red. From the pants round his waist to the hat on his head. Uncle Santa! cried Erin. Oh God, please, oh no! The figure responded with a warm, ho, ho, ho. Though he clearly was just GPC in a wig, Adal reckoned this chap would take over their gig. Don't let him on stage, or he'll sap the show's vibe. And then with a speed I can hardly describe, Adal leaped up and brought the bat down on his head, while Erin crouched low and went straight for the legs.

His own head? On his head. Not on his own head.

On his head. The pair grabbed a bag. They could dump Santa's limbs in. For soon it was over. The battle was done. Uncle Santa lay dead. The clue crew had won. But wait. But wait, was this? Erin pulled the fake beard, an underneath which lay a slight, rather weird. It’s not Santa at all, said Erin in a groan. No, who lay at their feet but little monkey bones?

Oh no. They're the same person.

Wow.

Erin and Adal, they both stood there, stunned, and watched Jay Preece break into a run. They followed along, both in a dull rage, in front of the audience and onto the stage. So if the show's... Go ahead.

Oh, I was just going to say Jay Preece can get you pregnant. Thank you for having me.

Adal, thank God you're here.

Okay, sorry. So we... No, no, no. It's over. It's not over. It's not over. What's next?

So if the show's weird and energy seems to lack, know that we just killed Santa, so cut us some slack. Wait, no, it wasn't Santa. It was monkey bones. Now get in your seats and turn off your phones. Let your mind wander and let your thumbs twiddle as we do our podcast Hey Riddle Riddle. And that's the last you'll be hearing from Erin. Hi, I'm Uncle Santa. Ho, ho, ho. And I'm the third host of Hey Riddle Riddle today. I told you this was coming and you can't be mad. Ho, ho, ho. Yes, Adal?

Erin's gone. This is the same Uncle Santa or different Uncle Santa?

Oh, it's the... Well, let's see. What should we do?

Well, wait. So, so wait. In that poem, though, Uncle Santa was Little Monkey Bones.

Yeah, he was Uncle Santa, your friend. Ho, ho, ho. Was pretending to be Little Monkey... Oh, no. Little Monkey Bones was pretending to be me. Uncle Santa. I've worked it all out. I'm your uncle.

Wait, Little Monk, is that just like a half-sized Tony Shalhoub?

Yeah, my main piece of critique for the poem was they were calling Little Monkey Bones a lot of things. Calling him Bones? Nobody calls Little Monkey Bones Bones. That's something you would call David Borrada.

But Sean's close with him. Sean Morrow wrote the poem.

That's true. Oh, and have you ever been to Alaska during the David Boreanaz? It is... So beautiful. A lot of times you have to record it or else it doesn't show up.

I tried to see the David Boreanaz when I was traveling in the... Oh, what's it called? That waterway. Oh, the Emily Deschanel. But I couldn't see the David Boreanaz, even though I wanted to.

You have a couple more of those in you, JPC?

I don't know any John, John Francis Daley. He was on Bones. Who else is on Bones? I don't know who else is on Bones.

A lot of people.

Uncle Santa. Yeah.

Me Uncle Santa. Uncle Santa.

You were on an episode of Bones?

Where one, I played a mall Santa and I didn't get credited those sons of bees. Yeah.

And is that like racist towards Santas?

No. Good answer.

I have a question. You said you were someone's uncle. Was that directed at Adal or me? Are you Adal's uncle?

Yes. I decided I'm the same Uncle Santa as before.

You're the same Uncle Santa as before. Okay. I've never met you.

So I'm Adal's uncle who's Santa.

But you understand my confusion because I've never met you, correct?

I understand your confusion. Adal's confusion is hurtful. Your confusion is understandable.

Yeah, because that's your uncle, man. You're the same.

You and I have never met, because the last time I was here, you weren't around.

I wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't here. Oh, that's such a shame, and Adal just left, but it's me, Cousin Alf. We can't do, we can't do two.

Yeah, understand, understand. Are we gonna let Adal do this bullshit voice? I don't think so.

You're right, you're right, my bad, my bad, my bad, my bad, my bad, guys. I've learned my lesson never trying to have fun. Uncle Santa, what's been going on since the last time we've seen you?

Well, I gotta tell you, I did go down the rabbit hole of the online criticisms that I got on for being on your podcast.

Uncle Santa, you're supposed to stick to going down chimneys, not rabbit holes.

Oh, John Monkle Santa.

You just can't do it. You can't feed the trolls after midnight. You can't go read the comments. The comments will kill you every time, Uncle Santa.

Did you hear what Uncle Santa just said?

Was it, oh, I'm Uncle Santa?

Said Dumb Monkel Santa. Dumb Monkel? Monkel? Monkey bones? Little Monkey Bones?

That's Little Monkey Bones in a suit. Well, I thought Little Monkey Bones was the one that was throwing us off from this Uncle Santa. Oh, right. Yeah. Well, no, we'll casually mention something only Little Monkey Bones would do.

Don't step on a joke I was planning for later. Let the episode happen, or we'll see what happens right before plugs.

It's hard to avoid stepping on planned jokes that we don't know about.

You? I know, but you're faster than me, okay? You proved it. You proved it.

It's also impossible to plan a joke for this show, Uncle Santa, because at this point, four years in, we all have the exact same brain that's just been belted into the one lightning rod.

Yeah, and Uncle Santa.

Uncle Santa, if you remember, you were born out of a moment when I said, hey guys, I have an idea, and then we never got to that idea. Look, we can't do another Uncle Santa origin. I was born in the darkness.

Oh, that's right, Uncle Santa. Well Uncle Santa, that sounds great. I'm glad you're doing well. Can we get you anything? Can we validate your parking?

No, I'll be here the whole episode, dear boys. Because it takes one to know one and this is the best kind of revenge.

This is so embarrassing. We can't pay you for this.

That's okay. It was rather hurtful to me with the last one, the third one, the Erin one. Didn't seem to like me very much and had a bad attitude the whole time I was here.

Uncle Santa. I think that's just her face, sir. Uncle Santa, speaking of Erin, not only can we not pay you, but legally we can't pay Erin for this episode either.

Yeah, it's like the SNL rule.

If you don't show up and wave at the credits or whatever, then you don't get paid for the episode.

That's why Pete Davidson has lost 11 million dollars this year.

The one time I saw SNL, the one time I saw SNL live, I watched... Pete Davidson got cut out of two sketches and he was pissed. And I saw the most pissed off Pete Davidson I've ever seen in my life standing on stage for like one second just so he could get his SNL check. It was very funny.

That's incredible. That's smart because, yeah, you can't overdose on drugs or pass out or anything. I think it was in place from like the 70s.

Hey Adal, I'll tell you what. You certainly can still do a lot of drugs. You just have to be standing to get on that stage. And I'll tell you what. Yeah, there's a lot of drugs happening on that show.

Uncle Santa's never watched NBC, so I can't relate to this conversation.

Oh, that's right. Hey, GPC. I don't know if you got the, um, publicist packet that Uncle Santa sent before time, but we're supposed to... I guess along the way for this episode, due to Uncle Santa's appearance, we're supposed to keep mentioning his new TBS show, Two Rich Santas.

Did someone say my new TV show, Two Rich Santas?

What's Keif or Souther than like?

Ooooh. Hot.

Oh wow.

No, like temperature wise, he's always burning up.

Sure. He sure didn't get hot-seated blam.

Well, no, but can I tell you something about Kiefer Sutherland?

I'd love to hear it. We wish we, you would.

No one has had the heart to tell him he's not on 24 anymore. So in every seed he's always rushing and trying to kill someone.

But he’s playing one of the Santas, though, correct?

Yes. The years, of course, were two rich Santas.

So the premise of the show, if what I'm reading is correct from this packet, it premieres next Thursday on TBS in the 2 a.m. time slot. And what it is, is it's two Santas. Two Santas. They're both real. They're both real, full-blown Santas. And they live in a condo in Miami.

Condo in Miami?

And it’s following their lives 363 days a year?

Yes, two of the days we do not see. We don’t follow them on Christmas Eve and Christmas because who wants to watch them work?

I’ll be honest. I’ll be honest, Uncle Santa. Those would be two of the biggest days that I would want to see them work.

No, no. Why would you want to see Santa in June? That's the time of year. In Miami? On a Wednesday, it's the very same.

God, June to Miami sounds unbearable. Uncle Sander, can we talk about, I know it says not to in this publicist packet, but can we talk about your failed game show on USA?

It’s in the Bag?

That was the game show. It’s in the Bag was the game show where you would walk around the street, you would go up to the common man, much like Billy Eichner, and you would say, what do you want most in the world? That's not a Christmas gift. And they would say whatever. And then you go, oh, it's in the bag. And then they look in your big bag and sure enough, they would pull out whatever they were looking for.

And why do you think it failed?

Because a lot of people asked for dead relatives, and it was in the bag.

Honestly, if someone asked me for, you know, a relative, I would not specify dead. I would just say who the person was.

Yes, and that's what my confusion was, so I thought it was safe to summon them into my bag. Oh, no, no, no. I'm responsible for the zombie outbreak in New York City. Yes, Adal, my dear nephew.

Thank you Uncle Santa. Listen, I'm not a Santa and even I know the whole reason Christmas works is because you control the magic of the bag and you don't give over control to other people. That's where the game show went wrong was you allowed other people to control the magic which unleashed chaos. I heard they were all plants.

I heard it was all pre-written. Which is even more concerning because Santa was pulling corpses out of bags. Santa, question if I'm wrong, but I also heard that the reason... Uncle Santa? Uncle Santa, sorry. We got too familiar. I also heard that the reason why you were able to pull the corpses out of the bags was you could only pull objects out of the bag, and once a human being has passed away, their husk becomes an object because it doesn't have a soul associated with it. Is that correct?

Yes, JPC. Good reading. And it wasn’s script. Did you think I would plant the old, the demise of my own TV show just so I could ask to do another TV show with my favorite actor, Keifer Sutherland?

I don’t know. I'm just in the subreddit speculating like everybody else. I don’t know. I don’t know for sure.

The fact that I just saw Sean walk behind me means he could hear what I'm doing and I'm just wondering what he's thinking.

Oh wow.

He just shrugged. Oh no.

Is Uncle Santa sleeping with Sean? It’s canon. Listen Uncle Santa, I did see something on, well it wasn't even a subreddit, it was on 4chan. Something that said that the only reason that there's tons of Santas now in the world is because you pulled several Santas out of the bag. So you can pull yourself out of the bag and that's how we got all these other Santas.

You know that new Doctor Strange movie?

Sure. Oh yeah, the Multitude of Marches. I won't call it new anymore.

Yeah, you know that Doctor Strange movie that came out recently where all the multiverses and there's a bunch of versions of the same person? Yeah. Well, I wanted to go see that movie, but I had work to do, so I created a bunch of clones for myself to do my work. That movie came out in the early spring.

What work did you have to do with the spring, Uncle Santa?

I had to prepare for this episode, of course.

Oh! I almost forgot I was having so much fun. I almost forgot we were doing an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. So wait, Uncle Santa, have you prepared riddles for us today?

I suppose I have, JDC.

Well, have you or did you or did you not? That's a kind of vague answer. It's a grinding halt if you don't have riddles.

What you said.

Oh no, that doesn't help.

Just to double check, we're sure Cousin Elf is not going to show back up.

I'm sure he'll be back. Maybe after the break. Maybe before I can't control your actions. I can just control how I react to them.

That's really progressive Uncle Santa. Yeah. So none of the elves work for you anymore. You're saying that you are partners with the elves.

Yes, do I pay them equally?

No.

But we have a ping pong table and a pool table at work. And I pay for lunch one day a week. So what more could they want? Oh, oh, oh.

You're describing my time at Groupon on the day.

Oh, funny how you say that. The North Pole is very interested in Groupon business practices. That's why we've hired a bunch of 24-year-old improvisers to work for us. They show up hungover, and they do it bits all day. It's exhausting.

You know what? I was going to say, they maybe want to do a quick Google of how that all worked out for Group Bot. Yeah, not great.

Not great. Okay, I guess it's not on NBC. Anyways, JPC, just quick test.

Wait a minute. Wait a second.

What?

JPC. Uh-huh. Uncle Santa just said anyways. Now we all know canonically, when Uncle Santa segues, he says, any sleighs. That's true.

Any sleighs? Oh, I must have misheard. Sorry. Weird. Before I read these listeners' submitted riddles, I just wanted to ask GPC how much you've... You've never seen SNL.

He sounds a lot like the announcer from SNL.

Did Uncle Santa get this much criticism last time I was on the show?

I don't know. Last time Uncle Santa was on the show, I don't think he was... Wait, Uncle Santa, can you say Pete Davidson for me?

Pete Davidson!

Can you say musical guest whatever band sang Cotton Eye Joe?

Musical guest, whatever band sang Cotton Eye Joe! Can I, you know what? Was it interestingly happening here?

What? What did you just say? You know what is interestingly happening?

I came here to teach JPC a lesson about not dropping a shitty bit at the beginning of the show. What I'm learning is that I must have given JPC a hard, or Erin must have given JPC too hard I don't have a time in that episode. I guess I'll be learning the lesson. Anyways, these riddles are from Ross.

Okay, cool. We were on a break. Wow. If Erin were here, I'd laugh at her face and say, Erin, you sweet, sweet dove, you cannot teach JPC a lesson. What would you say if cousin the elf was here? Well, we'll find out after the break.

Okay, great. Maybe if I decided to do this in the first episode of the day and not the third.

Just a little peek behind the curtain for everybody.

Just a peek behind the recording schedule curtain. I'm way too tired to be pulling this off. I'm Uncle Santa.

Speaking of peek behind the curtain, Uncle Santa, is it true that you turned on the role of the Cowardly Lion in MGM's Wizard of Oz?

I did, and the guy who took that role ended up being so creepy. Do you know that they didn't have to use any makeup on him or costumes? What? I know! Look it up!

You know what, I'm sorry to do this, but I do want to see a quick scene Uncle Santa. I'd love to see a scene. Oh, of course. I'd love to see your audition for The Wizard of Oz.

If I were the king of the forest, ho, ho, ho, can you even dye my gown, my eyes to match my gown?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hi. Oh, hi. I'm Jeff. I'm running the audition. Hello.

I'm here to audition. You just, you came in. Oh yes, go ahead.

We loved your energy. You came in very high. Loved. High. Could you, could you slate? Slate. Slate to the camera. Just say if you're willing to shave. Willing. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm Jeff's assistant. I don't say my full name because I don't want to... I don't want to edge into Jeff's territory. If you need them, just say the initial D. D?

Yeah, D will understand.

Okay, well, my name is Uncle Santa.

I'm willing to shave, but it'll grow right back just like I'm Tim Allen in the Santa Claus. And I'm auditioning to play Dorsey in The Wizard of Oz.

Who in the what? Let me check my notes here. Here in 1932, we have No Movie starring Tim Allen.

Well, then I have bad news and bad news. You know what? You know what? Tim Allen be famous.

You know what? Well, we love it. We're going to put you... Do you mind reading the Tin Man? And we're going to have you read for the Cowardly Lion, okay? Read.

Oh, so not Dorothy. Oh, everything I prepared is... Oh.

What do you mean everything you prepared? We sent... Sent. We sent you three lines for the lion on one page, basically.

Basically.

What did you prepare? Nothing. Not somewhere over the rainbow.

Kicks shoe on the ground, sort of looks down at feet, shuffles along.

I'll read for your... We party cast Dorothy and it's gonna be Marilyn Monroe's daughter.

She's not famous yet.

Well, we'll just wait till the movie comes out.

Marilyn Monroe isn't even famous yet. All this stinks. Alright, I'll read your stupid lives.

Okay, thank you. And Dee, you're reading The Tin Man.

Oh! Excuse me, I need some oil!

Somewhere over the doo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-

Did I sing them wrong?

Which one? Well, you should have gotten it. You should have gotten it. It's a travesty that took that away from you.

These are from Ross. These are only connect riddles. Oh no, the email says only connect riddles for Erin. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Does it hurt when people what, Adal?

I was going to say, does it hurt when people describe you as a bowl full of jelly?

They describe me as what?

Well, not you, but they do say that your belly is like a bowl full of jelly.

Oh, I didn't know that. Why are people writing songs about me? They can be very- I don't know.

There's actually a lot of, there's a lot of body shaming that we've just sort of been okay with for too long regarding Santa.

I don't even think if you watch people, watch someone eat like a big bowl full of jelly, I don't even think then you could say that their belly looks like a big full of jelly. No. I think it's a bad thing to say, unprompted. Now, if someone says, hey, do you think my belly looks like a big bowl of jelly? And then you say, yeah, I think your belly looks like a big bowl of jelly. I think that's okay because they did ask.

They asked for it.

And that's your friend.

Yeah. And Uncle Santa, if anything, I'm trying to start on social media. I don't know if you know what that is. I'm trying to start a trend where people call you thick.

Is it on NBC? No.

No, it’s not. It’s not.

People could call me thick. I’m thicker than a snicker. I’m thicker than a snicker. Heavy like a Chevy. Come on, little mommy. You can rub upon my belly. Hey, hey.

There you go. Thick Santa.

I’m Thick Santa.

I’m Uncle Santa.

All right, these are for boss.

Uncle Thick Santa.

Only connect. He says only connect riddles for Erin, but I’m so she won’t mind. Here are some only connect style riddles I came up with. They were surprisingly fun and hopefully not too obtuse.

Well, we don't care if they had fun making them. We just care about solving them. Yeah.

Ross, you said such nice things to us. Thank you for being so co- Oh, to them. To them, Ross. Not me. I'm not- What?

Ross didn't send an email to Uncle Santa? He didn't even address you in the email, Uncle Santa?

No, but that's okay.

He just sounded like a fucking bubble yum commercial. It's six feet of bubble gum for you, not them. Remember that? Uncle Sandy, remember those commercials?

No, Uncle Sandy was born in 1991. Come on. Fuck you.

Thanks, Santa.

All right, here we go. Mascot animal seen in a popular UK insurance advertisement.

I haven't seen a lot of British ads about insurance. I'm going to say kangaroo.

Well, they go up like this.

Kangaroo? Nope, they go... Oh, oh, oh, uh, uh, a meerkat. A meerkat.

A meerkat. Very good, young JPC.

Wow, meerkat. Their television over there is fucked.

Oh, a meerkat? Actually, don't they do a podcast with a jake cat? Oh, yeah, they do.

And I think that that's on the cat gum network. It's definitely not on NBC. No, it's not on NBC.

Okay, well then I'd be familiar with it. Oh, those two fellas from College Humor? Ho, ho, ho. That's how Santa's laugh. I'm laughing at how funny they are.

You've been laughing a lot then.

Ho, ho, ho. Yes. All right, next one. Animal Scene in the title of a bad 2019 remake of a 1994 classic.

I might also give you another hint because this is hard.

An animal scene, it's a 1924 classic?

A 1994 classic.

Animal scene in a title.

This is also an animal that is in Narnia, and this is also an animal. Yes, it's a lion.

Oh, the Lion King. That remake of the Indian film Lion, starring Dev Patel. Yes. Dev Patel's Lion. No. What was the movie?

What was the movie? Lion King.

Lion King. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Known for lifting up 50 times their body weight.

Ants. Ants. Mm-hmm. Uncles would, but they're too busy sitting down and taking a break eating pizza.

That's very rude to Uncle Santa's.

Actually, speaking of sitting down while ants move, I do want to see a quick scene.

Okay, but... Is that okay, Uncle Santa? Be sure.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are sharks. You have to move. You're moving like a U-Haul to a new place because you have to move every day or else you'll die. If you don't stop moving, you die. So this is the two sharks moving.

Nobody showed up.

My email said pizza and beer, but... Yeah, I'm used to this because I have a truck.

Damn, damn, damn, damn. Okay, well, uh, you know, I think a part of this is us because we ask people to help us move every day and I feel like it is a drain on our friendships.

If we actually had a real place and we didn't just have to keep swimming, then I think, I think people would want to help. You know what? Why don't we just stay put? I'm tired of all this round and round.

We will die. If we stay put, we will die.

But I can't play freeze tag. My dreams.

You gotta let go of childish things, Shark, okay? Now, look, I'll be honest with you. Since we're doing this every day, how about you just downsize some of these books? Do you need all of these fucking books?

Yeah, and my knickknacks.

Don't get me started on your knickknacks. What is this? There's a paperweight?

Yeah, it's funny.

We can't even read. I know, but it's funny. What do we need a paperweight for?

I don't know. I like having my little stuff around. Don't you like to have stuff?

No. I'm a minimalist shark, okay? The only things that I have, I don't even have a mattress, I have a bearskin rug where the magic happens. I like to fuck on a bear, it makes me feel powerful like a shark.

That is incredible. That juxtaposition.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I have one candle, which cannot get lit because it is wet as hell. And then I have a bug out bag with some clothes. I guess I want to put a trench coat on and go see a movie. But that's it. That's all I have. Those are the possessions to my name. Moving for me is simple.

Okay, well. Sounds like you have it all figured out, but Tag, you're it.

See? It took all the willpower in the world to not jump in and say Mariana's trench coat.

I'm really proud of you.

Thanks Uncle Santa. Have you seen my dad?

What?

Nothing. So we have Meerkat Lion and Ant.

And another name for orcas.

Whales. Or killer whales.

Killer whale, yes. Well, do you know the link? Because I didn't know the link between these, but I learned something today.

Meerkat, Lion, Ant, and Killer Whales.

So Killer Whales are pretty fucking dangerous. Ants, red ants can be dangerous. We’ve all seen in the Antigens and the Crystal Skull. Lions are predators. Are Meerkats predators? Are these not?

No. I think my other hint is I think bees would fall into this.

Yeah, aren't these all like pack animals? Like animals that travel in like big groups?

A little bit, I like the way you're thinking, but it's more about their leadership.

Oh, do they all have queens?

Yes, they're all matriarchal social structures. Isn't that incredible?

Wait, now I thought the lions, I thought lions were patriarchal structures and they like forced all the women to do the hunting and stuff.

That could be right. I didn't Google to check this.

I don't know if it's a matriarchal structure but I do know that the female lions do all of the work and the male lions wait around for other lions to come kill them and then they try their best to kill the other lion and then if they lose, the new lion gets the free work back. That's how lions work. Lions are bullshit.

World analyst says the dominant female meerkat is responsible for settling arguments between the other meerkats, which sounds very funny.

So this upsets me because now I know Timon did wrong by his pack and got kicked out. Yeah, yeah. He’s ostracized. I wonder what he did. Maybe he ate one of the babies or something?

I don't know why me and Mariah started researching this, but we went on a deep dive on bees the other day to learn about queens. The thing with queens is fucking insane. The royal jelly they produce? Yeah, the workers have to make them the royal jelly, and if they don't make enough in a certain amount of time, they're like, look, this queen dies. We just gotta get this. They murdered the queen and tried it. Hey, everybody, tearing up those egg sacs looking for a new queen. We have six days before we bug out and go crazy. We gotta get a new queen installed.

That sounds very scary.

I want to eat some royal jelly. I want royal jelly so bad. I think it's good.

I think you'll like this next round very much.

Oh, okay.

Current Queen of England.

Queen... Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well. Musician sibling of the king of top. Blank Jackson.

Mike. Oh.

Musician sibling.

Sibling. Sibling of... Oh, sibling. Janet.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Something you might wipe your feet on while entering a house. Matt. Song attributed to Marty McFly and Back to the Future. Johnny B. Good. Yes. What is the link?

Elizabeth, Janet, Matt, and Johnny. So these all must be like fucking... Were these like the names of... Elizabeth, Janet, Matt, and Johnny.

Janet is like a hard one because I don't know many famous Janets.

Janet from Janet Varney, number one, with a bullet. Janet Varney, Janet Reno, and then Janet from Susan Sarandon from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Well, one of those is right.

Are these all hosts of Hey Riddle Riddle?

Yes, they're all guests. They've all guested on Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, that's right.

Matt Young. Yeah. Johnny O'Mara.

Elizabeth Andrews.

And Elizabeth Andrews, okay. Wow. Very fun. Phenomenal. And this is still from Ross?

Yes. Thank you Ross. You're amazing at these.

Gives us a little insight into when these were maybe written.

Yes, exactly. Interestingly, we're going to go on a break. Just like Ross. Just like Ross. We were on a break! And I need to really reflect on who's really being punished here by me playing Uncle Santa. Is the GBC like intended? Or is it Erin? Or more likely, it's you, our dear listener. Or Adal, I think we're all losing here. Let's go on a break.

But we all know it's not cousin Elf.

He's back!

Can you punish a dog by rolling the window down too much?

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by Salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

Ho, ho, ho. Have you been good? Do you deserve more riddles, young J.P.C. and young Adal?

And don't forget Cousin Elf and my catchphrases. He, he, he.

I'm a little stinker. We're out of bread.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Cousin Elf just said his catchphrase was he he he and then he added I'm a little stinker, which is obviously the better catchphrase. Why do you have two catchphrases Cousin Elf?

I lead with he he he because when I say I'm a little stinker people say that's Bugs Bunny's thing and I say no I used to date Bugs Bunny and he stole it from me.

Here's what I think happened.

Anyways, we ran out of bread.

I think Cousin Elf led with that. He was like, hey, this is my catchphrase. Call him the shot so no one would call him out. I'm a little stinker thing. Cousin Elf, I think I'm a little stinker. It's the better catchphrase. I'll say that. Okay. Thank you. You're right. Use it. Try it. I'm a little stinker. I love it.

Head down to the store. Here's a 20. Go watch a movie if you need Cousin Elf. Go have fun. We'll see you later.

I'm going to buy cigarettes.

All right.

I wish someone would give me $20 since I didn't have to do the show.

Nope. Okay. Barnyard. These are still from Ross who's amazing at writing these. Thank you, Ross. Barnyard animal scene jumping over the moon.

That would be the cow. That's the couch of something.

Exactly. I know that because I saw the movie Rent.

Hey, Riddle Riddle. Yes.

Hey, Riddle Riddle.

Hey, can I say something real quick? About the movie Rent? Not about the movie rent, about the movie tech tech move.

I watched that whole fucking movie and we got maybe, there was like 15 minutes left of the movie and I paused it and I saw that there was only 15 minutes left and I go, when is this guy gonna write fucking Rent? When is this guy gonna do Rent? And Riddle goes, he doesn't do it in the movie. There's a whole movie about the guy who didn't rent, and he never writes the fucking movie, right?

I don't give a shit! I don't give a shit about that. Here's the idea. If you're gonna write rent, write rent, okay? Don't be fucking around writing shit that's not written, making me watch it. Okay, social network.

If he created Facebook, he would have created Facebook. I thought Tick Tick Boom was about the guy who wrote, is it P.O.D.? Tick, tick, tick, tick, boom! Jonathan Larson was the lead singer for P.O.D.

as well.

Was that a Kevin James movie, Tick Tick Boom? I think it was. Where he became, say, a UFC fighter? Uh-huh.

Arguments regarding whether LeBron or Jordan are the term, or this term, can get heated. Goat, yes.

Goat, goat, goat.

This one made me laugh, nut whose name sound similar to a sneeze.

Cashew.

How did you know that?

That's good, that's good. He got that quick. That's a play on words.

Arsenic is said to taste like bitter blank.

Bitter... Arsenic is said to taste like bitter liquid. What did you say, old lace? Yeah, that's not right.

Yeah, Arsenic and old lace. Like the play.

Have you ever seen that play or heard that play?

No. Was it a movie? I don't remember.

They might be the movie out of it. Here's the thing, Erin. I've never tasted arsenic.

You haven't? You're not living, pal! I'm taking my nephew out in the town and we're going to try it tonight.

I've never had it sober. But you should know what it tastes like, because if you taste arsenic, you should be like, oh, that's arsenic.

So we should know what it tastes like. Is it like bitter licorice, bitter lemons, bitter... It's kind of nuts. Kind of nuts, bitter almonds.

Yes.

Whoa! Aren’t it tastes like bitter almonds? Oh, these are all cheeses. Or? Milks.

Yes! Good job, Adal. I'll send you an extra five dollars in the mail for your birthday. I'm your uncle and Santa.

Oh, I was gonna say. That's the uncle part of you though, not the Santa part.

I'm not just a Santa, I'm also an uncle.

I forget about that. You're wearing a sweater, we see it.

It looks ugly.

It's very ugly. All your sweaters are ugly.

Are you talking to Erin or Uncle Santa?

Uncle Santa? Well, technically both, but she's out here, so I feel bad saying it.

There's only Uncle Santa, there's only one sweater that Aaron wears that is worth commenting on, we would say.

I think they're all worth commenting on. Aaron, you look nice today. Is that so hard?

Shit, okay. He got us there. Unbelievable. He got us there. Well, when you do it... Uncle Santa, why don't you say that to Aaron? Let's give her a call.

Let her rest.

Wait, how do you know she's resting?

She's right behind me. I can see her. She's sad to sleep.

Oh, that's why Sean's there. Oh, that's why Sean's there. You're using Erin's podcast setup.

Of course.

Okay.

She might be my enemy, but she'd never leave me high and dry.

Anyways. She's your enemy? I thought you liked her.

No, well, I like the people who like you is my advice, and she does not like me.

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

All right, informal two-letter greeting first recorded in the Middle Ages. Yo. You're still from Ross, that's for... Hi. Hi, Adal, you're a genius. You're perfect. We're so proud to have you in the family.

Those are both on the mouth. Different family than my family. Not judging it, just very different family.

Iconic phrase exclaimed in many iterations of the Frankenstein story.

It's... Friend. It's fire. It's getting hot in here.

It's... He makes... Alive. Dr. Frankenstein makes Frank... Yes, he wrote alive.

It's alive.

All right.

It’s a living. That’s what Frankenstein says. It’s a living.

Brown red color, taking its name from the French word for chestnut.

Brown red color.

Brown reddish, darkish reddish color.

Rouge. Auburn.

Keep guessing.

No colleges, it's a college.

Um... Darkish, reddish color ha- no, not hazel, that's reddish green.

It's in like 5,000 different shades of red and brown.

I'd say focus on like, just sort of a dark red.

Dark red.

A little bit purpley. Burgundy. A little bit purpley. Burgundy's closest.

Oh, what's the... Fuchsia? Fuchsia, ooh, that's good.

No, it's a little bit more red.

More red. More red. It's like we're at a fucking paint store and I'm like, I don't know what I'm making. It begins with an M. Oh, uh. Magenta. Yeah, magenta. That's good.

No, no.

It's not magenta? No. Maroon.

Yes, you've got it. Well done, dear boy.

These are all fives. High fives.

Wait for me to say the last one. 2010 Adam McKay buddy cop film starring Will Ferrell, the other.

No, guys. Damn it.

Now what is the thing that links them all, Adal?

The number five, so we have high five. Five Alive, I know is the catchphrase from the movie Short Circuit, Johnny Five is alive, but Five Alive might also be like an energy drink or something. Maroon Five, famous band fronted by Adam Levine, and Five Guys, which is a very good burger place. And fries. And some great fries in those brown bags. I think they do peanut oil there, right?

So if you have peanut allergies, Uncle Santa, stay away from fried fries.

Oh, Uncle Santa has many allergies. The only thing I can eat is Christmas.

You can only eat Christmas cookies? Uncle Santa, you couldn't even get through that. You eat Christmas?

The only thing I can eat is Christmas cookies, hot cocoa, milk, and that's it.

Honestly, Uncle Santa, you and Erin would get along because you kind of have a lot in common.

That's her same diet. She hates me.

Isn't that a song? She fucking hates me.

Yeah, I mean maybe, but I don't know, Uncle Santa. I think there's room for improvement in that relationship.

Uncle Santa, just because of my thirst for information, does it say in that email what five alive is?

No, but Uncle Santa can Google it because that's not NBC.

I bet it's like a UK candy bar or something.

Five Alive?

It could be.

Five Alive? Yeah. Because Johnny Five Is Alive is a bit of a stretch, I think, for that. I do like it.

Oh, it's a drink, I think.

Oh, it is a drink. Oh, you were right with Energy Drink, maybe.

I think it's a juice box, you weird, pretty silly gooses. People in England are so weird. I skip right over them on Christmas.

Oh, really?

Yes, I've never been to Uncle Santa. Uncle Santa. I'm a little drunk, so I'll admit it. I've never been to England.

Wow. The entirety of England?

Yes. Never been.

They have all those Christmas crackers, which is maybe the dumbest thing ever.

That's what I'm avoiding.

Sorry, Gemma. Gemma loves Christmas crackers.

I think they're just stupid. Disgusting. Uncle Santa, what about Northern Ireland? And how do you feel about unification? Oh!

Honestly, I'm with the Irish on that.

Speak on the Catholics and the Protestants, Uncle Santa.

Yeah, and Margaret Thatcher was, uh, not great.

They both celebrate Christmas, so I won't complain.

Margaret Thatcher, the Christmas lady. The Christmas lady.

Oh boy.

Uncle Santa, do we have any more? Only connect?

We have plenty. Uh, these are the last ones from Ross. Thank you, dear Ross.

Hey Ross, dress for less. I said that earlier. Great.

But it's a callback.

Then it's a callback.

If I wasn't listening to you, it was a callback.

The kind of ocean predator Bruce is in finding Nemo.

Valanche. Dern. Dern.

No. Great actor though. Bruce?

Is he a shark?

Yes, what kind?

I really wish you would have said that Mariana is Philantich. He's a moving shark.

No, like what?

Great White. Hammerhead.

Great White, yes.

Okay. Nursery Rhyme characters who agreed to have a battle over a spoiled brand new rattle.

They're from Alice in Wonderland.

Oh, Tweedledee and Tweedledum?

Yes.

Wow. Good poll.

Mythological figure cursed with having his liver eaten by an eagle every day. That happened to me once.

Oh God, who is this? I just read about this and if you haven't read the book Cirque, it is amazing. C-I-R-C-E by Madeleine something. But that book's phenomenal. I just read about it in that. It's not Sisyphus because he's got the big old fucking rock. He's the boulder guy. It's not Prometheus, right? Yes it is.

He was punished for bringing fire down from the mountains to the people. We're so proud to have you in the family, JPC.

Again, on the mouth is just not how I've done it, but someone else's uncle is also odd.

Okay, you ready for the next one? Sure. Type of North American snake noted for its reddish color head.

Copperhead?

Yes, you got it. Now, this one they said is bullshit because it's too deep of a cut.

For the fourth one, is the full answer Copper or Copperhead?

Copperhead!

So it's Great White Shark, Prometheus, Copperhead and Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Are these like prequels that didn't need to be made?

You're on the right track.

Okay. So yeah, Prometheus is from Alien. Great White Shark, I don't know. Copperhead.

I didn't know this one. I had to look it up.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum are from Alice in Wonderland. Tweedledee, Tweedledum. So they would have been, okay.

Are these all things that an alien has been in?

No, but you're kind of close. They're all from one franchise. They're deep cut characters from one franchise.

These are deep cut characters from one franchise?

A comic book franchise.

Oh, Fables?

No, they're comic book franchise. Famous superhero.

So are these all like enemies? Oh, are these Batman villains?

They’re Batman villains! I know a previous Only Connect Griddle had Batman villains in the answer, and this one is probably too obscure, but there had to be one bullshit riddle in here. You’re right, Ross. Ho ho ho. Someone out there listening will know it, and they'll be screaming at wherever they find podcasts.

We did this on the Patreon when Thomas Sanders was on where I listed some characters from Moon's Rogues Gallery and had you guys try to guess if they were real or not. It is insane. The chain smoking that was done in 1977 were just a group of white men were like, what about a guy whose name is like Mr. Punch Man? They're like, I think we already used him for Batman. They're like, use him again. Doctor accountant.

Scaredy Cat. I know that there's King Shark in Batman, and that is famously played by Ron Funches in the Harley Quinn animated show.

Famously played by Ron Funches.

Great voice, that guy.

Great voice, that Harley Quinn, huh?

Oh, yeah.

What a voice, Mr. Batman! Ooh, Mr. Batman! What a voice I got!

Oh, now I'll be Mark Hamill. Yes, Harley Quinn. Very good. That's very nice.

That's very nice.

I would like to see a scene.

Okay. Please don't tell me it's between Harley Quinn and Batman because we kind of just milked that for all it was worth.

No, no, no. You two are at a comic con type convention and you're running into someone who plays a obscure villain in something and you're pretending to know who he is. JPC, you'll be the villain. Adal, you'll be the one being so polite pretending that you know who he is.

Hello, hello. Hi, how's it going? Sorry, I saw you looking. Oh, did you want a picture with me in my Pickle Rick outfit? I'm sorry? I'm Pickle Rick, bitch! It’s kind of a mash-up of Pickle Rick and me.

I noticed you staring at me while I was walking over here, so I thought I’ve been doing this a long time, and I thought I would just come over and say hello, and if you want a picture, you’re more than one.

Oh, it’s you! Wow, you’re such a British accent. Thank you.

My character has a British accent, but obviously I do not.

I'm from Connecticut. You're from Connecticut. That's right. That's right. The old CT. Well, can I... Oh, you're putting your arm around me. I guess... Can we get a selfie? Can I get a selfie? Is that cool? Absolutely. Yes, it's very cool. And let me... So I want to make sure I tag you on the social... Tag me.

Go ahead and tag me right now if you wouldn't mind.

Yeah.

And what's your handle? Uh, it's just my character's name. I keep one from me, and you could do that one as well.

I feel like such an idiot. I'm so bad at spelling. Could you spell your character's name?

It's phonetic. It's just how it sounds. Oh. You're overthinking it if you think you're spelling it wrong, because it's very easy, yes.

Got you.

Where is your... I guess I should say it's I-E, not E-I, but you would know that, yeah. So it's I-E. Not E-I.

Okay, so there's no C in your name. We all know that.

I'm sorry?

There's no C in your name?

Oh, no.

There's no C. Yes, of course. Sorry, that's a joke. It went over your head. There's no C in your name? That's a joke. I've been hanging out with some pirates and that's like a joke they do. People dress as pirates.

You are... Yeah, go ahead and just post it whenever you're ready. Oh, and did you want an autograph? I could... I don't... I truly don't mind. They're only 15.

Oh, that would be amazing. And please, block letters.

They’re 15, and then it’s... 15? 15 for an autograph, yes. For my autograph, yes. Unless you want it on Matt. That’s glossy. Matt is 25.

No, Matt's grabbing nachos. Just on the headshot would be fine. Another one must have gone over my head. Yeah, I guess it's worth it. I only have a 50. Do you have change? I don't, but I could give you two and a half autographs. Oh, just like the TV show. Well, why don't we... real legible, because I have my eyes... Sorry, I've got an actor's pinmanship, as they say.

Perfect. Alright, I won't go standing here. Well, hold on.

JBC, what was your villain?

I think it was The Shield. So a corrupt, uh, corrupt bald police officer? Uh-huh. Uh, yeah.

We have one more batch today. These will go a little faster because they're just all the answers, so it's not questions that you have to answer and then find the connection. So we'll just be finding the connection between these four words. Oh, okay. These come from Jake H, he him, from San Diego.

Jake Hillenhaal?

Maybe. Could be. I'm a day one fan and the three of you never fail to brighten up my week. I assume he's including Uncle Santa in this.

Well, then who's not being concluded?

Erin, of course, my enemy.

Okay, okay. I'm comfortable with that.

Jake said very sweet things about the show. Thank you so much for listening, Jake. We really appreciate you writing these riddles and being so kind. Here's the first one. Princess, Pear, Cushion Emerald.

Princess Pear, Cushion Emerald.

What are the connections between those three? Ho, ho, ho.

Are these all like cuts of diamonds?

You're a genius.

Wow. Princess got a haircut. Emerald cut? Yeah, that's a cut.

Someone's bought an engagement ring. It's you.

Well, I bought an engagement ring and a wedding ring.

Oh my goodness, he's a genius. Oh shit. What? What?

Yeah. Fuck. I can't believe that happens. Awful Santa, buddy.

What?

Are you still at the North Pole or where are you at?

Oh no, I'm in Chicago and River New Life.

Oh, okay. So I sent you a wedding invitation. It must have got lost in the mail.

I got married. I'm all my North Pole mail forwarded to me.

Oh, weird. Yeah, I just got married. I'm so sad you weren't there.

Oh, you did you elope and no one was there?

Sort of.

JBC, were you there?

Oh my god. You know what I just did? Is I just chopped my own fucking leg off.

Oh my god!

You did it for real!

I live close to JPZ so I better leave and go ahead.

Not that close. Not that close. It's too... I'm going to do this immediately.

We'll pit a pit in that. We'll come back to this.

Don't put a pit in it. Well actually that might have worked. Horse, snow, boat, and tennis. Oh, these are all types of cocaine.

Yes, my dear boy.

Snort some horse. Horse, snow, boat, and tennis.

Yes.

These are all types of bracelets. Yeah, I was going to say horse bracelet. These are all types of girls. Horse, girl, snow, girl, boat, girl, tennis, girl. These are all things that make a racket. Horse, no. That's a good one.

Tennis racket, a horse, a racket. Horse, snow, snow.

Snow and tennis definitely rackets. Boat, tennis.

I like this one a lot.

Okay. So we got horse, snow, boat, and tennis.

All types of what?

Okay, okay. Shoes.

Yes, my dear boy. Wow, wow. That's good.

That's great. Great job.

Next one. This one might be my favorite. Wash, Jeff, Rose, and Link.

What was the first one?

Wash.

Wash, Jeff, Rose, and Link? These are all characters in Zelda. Yeah. You kill Wash right away. Hey, it's me, Jeff Hyrule. Are you saying Jeff, I rule? Yeah. Who rules Jeff, I rule. Sorry. So Wash, Jeff, Rose, and what was the last one? Link.

Link.

These are all the first name of a famous pilot.

No, they're all the first syllable of a name.

Washington, Jeffington, Rosington, Linkington.

Yeah, you got it, kind of, but you put the wrong... Holy shit, I've never seen someone get it so right and so wrong at the same time.

Wait, how is it right but wrong? Because you have... I think you have the second part is wrong.

The second part of the first answer is right. You got all the right... What? So you have the right idea of Washington and then... That's right? Yes.

And then, Jeffington.

No, but... Oh, Washington.

Jefferson. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington.

Washington. Washington. Washington.

Washington. Washington.

Washington. Washington. Washington. Washington.

Abraham Lincoln.

JPC and Uncle Santa, you're both presidents. You're hanging out at the President's Club or whatever that is. Sure. And you each have like kind of pet names for each other, little nicknames for each other. And for the other presidents.

Got it.

Why, if it isn't Mr. Hoopy over there, Herbert Hoover. Hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy. Who's gonna cause the Great Depression?

Hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy, hoopy. You son of a gun. If it isn't T fiddle, my man, Taffy Taff, T fiddle.

Oh yes, me, of course. How have you been, old friend?

Well, I've been good. By the way, I gotta say thank you. I called your custom bathtub guy, and he did a fantastic job.

I figured as much. Oh, look who's walking over here.

Uh oh! Look who it is.

Hey, it's me. Shit. The regster. Reggae. Captain Reggae. Ron Ron.

Mr. Jellybeams himself.

It's Jimmy Carter. My brother was a potato farmer.

All right, last one.

I think. Mr. Jellybeams himself.

And these are from JK. Stick, Jesus, bun and soft.

Stick, Jesus. These are all types of serve. No. Can I get some Jesus Served Vanilla? So Stick, Jesus, Bun, and what was the last one? Soft. Soft.

All types of what? Oh, these are all banks. No.

There's a thing called the Jesus Lizard. Are these all types of lizards?

Focus more on the other three, I'd say.

Okay, Bunheads is a TV show, so they're all types of heads. Jesus Head, Stick Head.

Soft isn't probably the most helpful.

Oh, these are things babies' heads are when they're born. Kind of food, no. Uh, let's see.

All right, soft cheese, soft pretzel.

Oh!

Oh, pretzel Jesus!

Yes! Yes, they're pretzels. They're pretzels. Oh, will you enjoy these as much as I had fun solving them? Wow. I hope you enjoyed these and had as much fun solving them as I did making them. Thanks again for everything. Well, speaking of pretzel Jesus.

What the fuck? My eyes are... What is this light?

Dip. It’s me, Pretzel Jesus, pretending to be Uncle Santa the whole time.

What a twist!

Nacho cheese, cinnamon sugar.

Another type of pretzel, pretzel twist.

I’m Pretzel Jesus, or am I zipped?

It’s me, Little Monkey Bones. Little Monkey Bones? I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I’t, I

It is chalk.

It's not bananas. Have bananas, have chalk. I'm a monkey bones.

Love you. Little monkey bones, have you seen the movie monkey bones?

Zip you caught me. I'm Dr. Chameleon. Your nemesis and best friend. Can you guys hang out right now?

Oh, this is why you couldn't move your arms, because you've been wearing, like, seven layers of gusting.

Hold on, which is exactly what Chandler does in my favorite episode of Friends.

Could I be any more favorite of Riddle character?

Chandler!

It was Chandler the whole time. Are you doing a free sprint?

I thought Adal was doing a free sprint. Wow. Thanks Chandler. What a ride. Oh, he just took off his shirt.

Whoa, God. Matthew Perry, can you put that shirt back on please?

It’s me, Coco Cashmere! Just kidding, it’s me, Chandler!

Can I be any more Hey Riddle Riddle characters? Chandler's the right one to end on.

Even if I do more, in the time where it takes you guys to plug things, I'm still Chandler after all these years.

And Chandler, can I just say, I think on behalf of JPC, myself, Erin, and Uncle Santa, who I guess wasn't really here, Chandler, I just want to apologize for, I read the paper the other day, I saw that NBC canceled your game show Bing sings.

It what?

Oh, I thought that's why you were channeling so much rage against NBC.

No, no. Oh, man. When you mentioned Ross earlier, I was like, oh my God.

Oh, and Chandler, I'm sorry for all the times in this episode that we said that we would Google something. Of course we meant that we would bang it. We bang it, of course.

Yeah, I wanted to tell you guys the whole time. I was like, I'm Chandler, I'm Chandler, I'm Chandler.

Or ask Phoebe. Wow, this is so embarrassing. Hey, speaking of embarrassing, here's some five-star reviews that people have left for Hey Riddle Riddle. If you want to get your review featured on a future episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, just go to iTunes and leave a five-star review. You can put anything you want in there and I'll have to read it like this one that comes from 7076, titled Morning Drive. I look forward to Wednesdays. I bet my fellow work commuters think I'm crazy when they look over and see me cry laughing with my little schnauzer staring back at them as you guys do your thing on my radio. Also, I think I would be Adal if I were to play the Riddle Crew with my friends. Hey, there's a thing that I can't advocate that you do. Do not play Riddle Crew with your friends. That does not sound like something you should be doing.

Why are you staring back at the other drivers?

Okay, this one comes from Liv Chow. Liv Chow writes, Amazing! Erin Keif is the highlight of the show. A beautiful human being. Hilarious and so talented. On the occasion she's saying she sounds like a Disney princess. Her laugh is lovely and brightens my day. There are two other hosts and they're funny too, but I came here for Erin and you should as well. Chandler, what do you think of that review?

I think after today that review is gonna mysteriously change.

Okay, here's the next one. This comes from DJ Eshinshroder. This is, great podcast. Definitely listen, yada yada. Okay, for the actual important part, JPC. I want to see a scene where you have to reveal to Adal and Erin that you only have this podcast, a two-star review, and why. Thanks. Ignore you guys and all the content. P.S., go sub to their Patreon. Well, listen up, dumbass. You wrote that you have this podcast a two-star review. Maybe next time, spell check your fucking review before you send it, you dumb piece of shit. I'll see a scene when you learn how to fucking type.

Wow, you're making a scene.

Alright Adal, anything that you have to plug?

No, I saved my time out of fear.

Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern and their Patreon. Lots of great content over there. Peace, Chandler. Yeah, the Hey Tavern Tavern, which is Erin's favorite thing she's ever recorded with the two of you is over on that Patreon. She told you that? Yeah, it's great. It's really funny.

Oh, Erin and Chandler were sweet good friends.

We hang out.

Oh, and if you're listening to this on the day that it comes out, then that means that we have a live show this Sunday, June 12th at 7.30 and 10 PM. There's a late show as well. And if you can't see it live in LA, you can watch the stream of the live show, which will be available all throughout the world. And I think you can watch it up to like 72 hours later. Anyway, if you want to get tickets, just go to heyriddleriddle.com slash live. Hey Chandler, your show ended like I want to say maybe 20 years ago at this point, 17. What have you been doing since then? Have you been like visiting any other places? Have you been like staying somewhere?

Jupiter!

Aww.

Could I be any further away from Earth? Bye forever. That was exhausting. I regret it. I regret it so much. I'm so sorry. In my head this was such good revenge and it really is just me hurting my whole body by doing this voice.

And I'm very upset because now this sets a precedent where I have to step into this mantle.

Yeah I'm so sorry.

Hey there, Andrews and Garfield. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another New Games Jamboree, and JPC has some brand new games to try out. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle, but joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. Any good ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a Headcount podcast.