Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife. And the horse seemed rising.

Dearest Gloria, I write you from the front of the war. I miss your tender touch and your kisses. I miss our late night chats until we fall asleep by the fireplace. Someday soon I will meet you again. I'll be running up the front path all the way to the doorstop, and I'll grab you in my arms, carry you inside, and make love to you all night long. I can't wait to reunite you. Scratch that out. Can't re-nate too. Scratch that out. Can't wait to reunite with you. Oh, all these gunshots are really shaking my nerves. I'll be home safe soon. Love you, Charles.

My dearest Charles. Hey, your letter was a real mess.

Lots of scratches out, tears stained, blood stained, food stained? I think I smelled some sauce. Things are the same here, just dreaming of you coming back and lightly touching me by the fire. We're bored here, there's 12 children and I'm not teaching any of them to read. I love you very much, your dearest, Gloria.

My name is Gloria. What up, what up, what up? It's me, Pickles. I write to you from the back of the war. It's chill back here. Pretty low key. No gunshots. Most of the war's already kind of run down. Anyway, girl, damn, I got you on my mind. What can I say? I miss the fire. Remember how I would fucking just throw lighter fluid in the fire and go, oh man, it would be so fucking big, man. Oh Gloria, God, what were the name of those pies we used to eat? Oh, I want one of those pies so bad. Anyway, I've been robbing corpses. Uh, luck later baby pickles.

My dearest Gloria. It has been 28 days since my last letter, and I have not received a reply. I miss when you used to send me those terrible riddles. I wish you would send me some more. Speaking of terrible, have I told you about someone in my company named Pickles? He was supposed to be at the front of the war, but like a coward, he ran back and has set up camp way way way way way back in the war. He has three guns, so nobody dares to say anything to him, because we don't know what he'll do, but if you want to write back, that would be great, but if not, I guess... I guess we're done? I guess... Am I supposed to take the hints? So are we, like, free to see other people? I just want to know what the rules are, so I don't mess this up. Let me know. Love. Always. Charles.

To my Charles and Pickles. Boys, I am writing you both at the same time to put this mess to an end. Yes, I have been seeing both of you. Yes, I have been sending you both sex letters, which is sexting but letters. Yes, half of the children are pickles. The ones who run amok are pickles and the ones who sit quietly are trousers. But I have come to my decision and I have picked one of you.

My dearest Gloria, you're probably writing your letter right now.

Wait, my letter wasn't done. I didn't even get to finish the letter.

Oh, you go. You go.

I pick pickles. I will offer. You know what, Charles? You're going to interrupt my letter? I pick pickles. Unbelievable.

Pickles, you're up. In anticipation of your letter about pickles, unbelievable.

My dearest Charles, glad we finally cut the dead weight. Me and you been boning like it's nobody's business. I love this war.

Why did he send this to me?

I got three guns I cannot read. My name is Pickles. I'm at the back of the war. I used to love Gloria. I'm never gonna pay for those kids. I'm crazy as shit. I rob corpses.

Pickles? Why did he send me this? What? You can't read? What is he even doing with my letters?

My dears is J.P.C. and Erin. I am Adal Rifai. I'm J.P.C. And I'm Erin Keif. And this is Hey Riddle Riddle if you've never listened to us before. A podcast about letters. It's about letters from the war. That's all we do. Tie a bourbon around the old oak tree and listen to our show.

Okay, what a classic opening for us.

That's going to go on. What's the fucking name of where Disney hides all their little fun movies?

The trash.

The Vault, thank you. I love that they're like, they're like, I don't know, let's put fucking Fantasia in the vault for five years. And then they're like, we're opening the vault. And it's like, you've had that out the whole time. What are we doing? That's like mental warfare. That's mental terrorism.

Let Disney have their fun. They're not harming anyone. They're not harming anyone.

Opening the vault is like such a fun marketing tactic. But like, imagine if it's like, hey, Apple is opening the vault on the iPhone 6. I would buy a razor today.

Hey Riddle.

The chips are in the vault. I think Jimma will love that. I think Jimma will love you hiding snacks.

Your wife?

My wife. She's not my wife.

I don't have a wife. You guys both have wives and I feel really dumb. I don't have a wife.

Practice, practice, practice, practice.

Ten thousand hours. I'm not trying to be a brat here, but I deserve to have a wife more than you jokers.

I know and think about all the other people living on this earth that deserve a wife more than us two jokers.

I can't believe at the wedding when I put on my wedding ring and JPC ran up during the vows and we clinked our wedding rings together.

I said wedding twin powers activate.

And then I punched you in the face. Isn't it wild, I mean not more so, but on equal level to me getting married and now being Mr. Groom, isn't it wild that we were at episode 199?

199 bottles of riddles on the wall. 199 bottles of riddles. Remember when we were on episode 14? That was so random of us.

You take one sip, you're bored as hell, you turn on a different podcast.

The wild part is if intrepid listeners can go back and listen, I think around like episode seven or eight, we said, look, if we're all still single, like 192 episodes from now, we should just fucking make this thing official and get hitched. And Erin, we all, that was like a joke we were doing. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you were doing, but you, I mean, you fucked up. You're not single, you're unmarried.

I'm pretty sure in an early episode I said if we're both unmarried and then you told me that you'd turn me into a crab. I'm still single. So I'm still waiting for you to turn me into a crab.

I got a crab clock on my wall and it's ticking down, Erin. I'll be honest, I know how much time you have and you don't have a lot.

That's fine. I'd rather be a crab than a wife.

She wants to have a wife, but she'd rather be a crab than be a wife. Typical, millennial, entitled man.

Are you kidding? Bein' a wife? The emotional labor? Hard pass, everybody. Beep-boop-boo, I'm a crab. I would not be very good crab because I would sort of be feared because I love seafood so much that I would be eating other... I'd be like eating oysters and mussels and they'd be like, oh my god, that's so scary.

Yeah. And every time you saw Jacuzzi, you'd be like, should I jump in? Should I?

Like rip off one of my legs? Am I crazy? Yeah, I would definitely try to eat my legs.

Yeah, I couldn't do it because I hate rubber bands.

This is actually really cool because that gives us a unique opportunity to have riddles for one time in our entire life save us and kind of step in as like the I don't know like the content of the podcast.

You're right. Let's do it. Let's get into riddles.

We thought we'd never be here, yet here we are. We need to fill up the time with riddles. Okay, here we go. Are we ready for our first riddle?

Yes, baby!

We barely woke up into the episode, but I guess we have to.

Yes, me baby!

Yes, me baby! Have you seen that parrot on TikTok? No. Gemma and I are obsessed with it. We keep saying it around the house. There's a TikTok parrot who keeps going,

Are you a good baby? You being a good boy? You being a good baby?

And then when he kisses he goes, He's really, it's really incredible. I have a confession to make and I'm, I'm not happy about this. I'm a little ashamed, but I will make it live on the air to the two of you. So whenever you two in our group chat, send me a TikTok to view, I always click it and it loads up a webpage that says, Hey, download the TikTok app if you want to see this. And I go, well, no, I'm not going to do that. And so I don't, I don't think I've ever seen one of these TikToks that has been sent.

All right. Well, that is devastating because you've been like, ha ha ha.

Yeah, sometimes that's easier, huh?

Like, I know it's funny, so sometimes I just go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha And this is truly, this husky sounds so much like me when I yell. It's great.

Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle.

Yep. All right. Did I play audio of a husky or did I play audio for me from a Patreon episode?

That's your whole thing.

And then she goes, you have to send that to Erin.

Adal, are you kidding? Is that how that... She thought that was me? Oh my god, I need to change my entire life.

This was a few days ago. Maybe she didn't say is that Erin, but she definitely was immediately like, that's Erin.

I guess her character is not what she said. She didn't say is that Erin. I think what she said exactly was, that's Erin.

Okay, I'm ready for some riddles.

And after the break I'll find that parrot and I'll play a little quick snippet because it's adorable. Oh, I can't wait. This first, I rarely do listener submitted emails. This isn't even an email. I guess I never do listener submitted emails. Perfect. But I am going to do a listener submitted Twitter DM. And this is to our, what's our freaking... Hey Riddle Riddle, I think. At Hey Riddle Riddle. That makes total sense. Wow, we got that. We must have got it there early, huh? This is from Brig. It says, my name is Brig like Bridge. My name is Brig, B-R-I-G. My name is Brig like Bridge.

I think like Bridge.

Bridge. Like short for Bridget. I see. Yes, yes, yes.

My name is Bridge. Wow, is that the riddle? My name is Brig, like Bridge.

Is it a bridge? Here we go. The riddle is, it kills scientists in seconds, Europeans in minutes, and Americans are unaffected. What is it? Mosquitoes. Curiosity? That's Pat's. It kills scientists in seconds, Europeans in minutes, and Americans are unaffected. What is it?

It kills scientists, Europeans, and Americans. Are there three categories?

Scientists, Europeans, Americans. The three body types.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, I think I know this. I think I know this. I think I know this. Oh, this is good. I like this.

And I'm totally European. I don't know it.

Would you say JPG? I think I'm more of my, if I had to pick my body type between scientists, European, and American, I think I have to go scientist.

I think I have an American body.

So we have the three body types that are represented on this show. A scientist, a European, and an American.

And here's what I'll say. I don't know if I understand this answer, so I'm going to go ahead and give it to you now.

No, no, no. I understand the answer. Okay. Yeah. I know it. I think I know it.

Can you give it to me?

I want to know it. Yeah, Erin. So if it is what I think it is, a clue would be measurement. Measurement would be the clue.

Okay, so kilometers.

No, but you're on the right track. You're on the right track.

The unit of measurement we don't use and it's like a double... For long. What is it?

Edward for longs.

I believe the answer would be Kelvin, Celsius, and Fahrenheit. And so you would pick like, what is it, like zero? Zero, right? Zero degrees? Hey Riddle. I think if you do zero degrees Fahrenheit, that's not so bad. I mean, it's cold, but maybe unaffected. But I think zero degrees Kelvin and zero degrees Celsius are like super cold.

Sort of feels like dying. Speaking of screaming, I remember a year before the pandemic in 2019, there was those days it was so cold, we all had to stay inside for three days. Leading up to those days, I picked up, I told you this, a little girl. From school who I was nannying and we had to walk three minutes to the car and she wasn't a complainer or whiner she was just a sweet little girl she never complained and her and I screamed. We're both screaming on the top of our lungs walking from the door to our school to the car because it was that cold.

There was, yeah, there was a, I think on the news, and I'd never seen this before. I haven't seen it since. They came on and they're like, if you don't have to go outside today, do not. And if you do go outside, no, they said something about your eyeballs can like get ruined. Where they're like, if you go outside, close your eyes or blink as much as possible because your eyes will freeze. And I was like, this is the scare, forget clowns, forget monsters. This is the scariest thing I've ever heard.

I remember during the polar vortex, we sent one of our roommates out to go walk to pick up a pizza and he got back and he was wearing, he was not wearing socks. He was wearing sneakers with no socks. We were like, you didn't put socks on. He was like, it's two blocks. And we're like, I think it's like negative a thousand degrees outside. Aren't you listening to scientists, you weirdo?

The polar vortex is where post potatoes came from.

That's true.

We were so crazy that we were cutting potatoes and we ended up post potatoes.

Anyways. Post potatoes. Post potatoes.

Next Riddle. I'm ready. I'm so ready. I'm going to get this one. JPC got the last one. Erin's going to get this one.

Okay.

Let's go.

What is it that everybody does at the same time? Poops. Poops. Everybody poops.

Exists.

Poops and makes eye contact. Excuse me? Erin, you're pretty close with exists, but it's a little more specific. Is it looks up at the same moon and wonders where you are? Thank you Fyffel. What is it that everybody does at the same time? And Erin you might have just said something and I missed it. Breathes. Breathes not quite. Oh that's a good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Breathes on the board. Well I guess it has something to do with breathing but it's getting colder. Heartbeat. About the same level warm or cold.

I think Erin fucking nailed it with exists, right? Like everybody exists at the same time.

I guess technically you're right, but there is something a little more specific in terms of the passage of time. What does everybody do at the same time?

What is it that everybody does at the same time?

You stole my lyric book! You stole my book of lyrics.

Well, you just copied the lyrics from the wedding singer soundtrack.

I was riding my exercise bike the other day and one of the instructors said, you're as old as you've ever been and you're as young as your lover be. And I said, no, that's nothing. I mean, that's nothing. What that is is it's exactly nothing. And it's one of those things where if I hear someone say that in real life, I'm like, you could have just said nothing. You could have just sipped your water quietly.

Nope. Today, you're younger than you've ever been. Old and older than the youngest kid in your family.

Today is when your dreams come true and dreams come true. So come and see today.

That's gorgeous.

Put that on a mug. I'm gonna put that on a pillow.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a man who has been 40 years old forever. Okay. So you've just stopped growing old at 40. You're just permanently 40. Erin, you are a curious coworker who today is the day where you decide to sort of breach that topic.

Hey, hump day, am I right?

Wednesdays. Wednesdays don't remind me. Another day, another property taxes.

Julia had a birthday, so there's donuts in the break room if you want to pick those out.

Hey, yeah, donuts? No, thank you. I'm about five years past the point where I could have a donut on a Wednesday.

Yeah, so speaking of birthdays, I don't have yours in the office calendar, and I just was wondering if you wanted to give me like the month, year, day of your birthday.

Oh, yeah, I don't mind doing... I'm actually a leap year baby, so it's, you know, hard... Yeah, I have to admit, leap year baby. So my birthday, it's... I mean, it's pretty... February 29th. Well, yeah, basically it only happens, you know, once every four or five years, so it's not even really worth commenting on.

No, it's just that you, and also unrelated, what is your skincare routine? Oh my god. Because I've been working here for a decade and you've looked... The same. What are you?

My nieces and my nephews? They are always asking me about these things. Those little tykes, those little sprouts, those vulgar adults, those old, old, aged people. My nieces and nephews? Your nieces and nephews?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I don't know. I don't really love to talk about my family life at work, you know, separation of certain state and all.

What year were you born?

Gas prices. Gas prices. Astounding. Just astounding. Five dollars a gallon. I remember when gas was a nickel.

Uh-oh. Okay.

Yeah. Ah, God, those were the days. Driving around.

There he is. There he is, my sweet uncle. Can I give you a hug?

Oh, little Zachary F. Quell, you better not because of your bones.

How old are you? I'm 87 years young. And how old are you?

This is Melvin. Melvin is basically, are you familiar with the little brother program? This is an old cousin or old nephew program. Melvin never had a nephew in life. It's kind of like an adopted nephew thing where I'm kind of trying to act.

He's his nephew?

He's my nephew.

But you just said he never had a nephew.

We misunderstood the program when we signed up for it.

Yes, I also misunderstood my name. I thought I was Zachary, but that's the brain.

Well, Zachary Melvin. I use his last name because I don't know him that well. And he uses his first name. He knows him very well.

How old are you?

Me?

No, not you, Melvin.

I thought I said the brain.

Yeah, I know. You're doing great. This is not your war.

Oh speaking of wars, oh my god. Please don't talk to me about wars. I am of course a veteran. I fought, let's see, who did I fight? I fought the Spanish. I fought, and by the way.

People in the office think you're an opposite Benjamin Button. They think that you were born 40 and you always will be 40.

Wait, they think of an opposite Benjamin Button? So a good movie? That doesn't make any sense.

No, not a reverse Benjamin Button.

See? JBC, I realized I just asked you to play Paul Rudd.

Dude, for sure. Oh my God, so handsome. I've seen Paul Rudd in real life before and it was like 2am at an SNL after party and he looked fucking gorgeous. I was like, what is going on? How does he do this?

Man, he seems like he's the coolest. If only. You played an uncle, but he's an ant man. Let's get to another riddle here. Who are the two brothers? Who are the two brothers who live on opposite sides of the road yet never see each other?

Oh, okay. What are those... It's the famous feud that those two families... The Hatfields and the McCoys? I think of the Capulets and the Robios.

The two like lions that are in front of a building, like the statues.

Oh, like at the Art Institute? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Those guard goils? Mm-hmm.

Guard goils, yes.

I'm saying right, right?

Guard coils? That's how you say it, right?

Yeah, no one correct it.

Why is everyone looking at me? Guard coils.

This is not your war. Erin, this is not your war. Who are the two brothers who live on opposite sides of the road yet never see each other? And I'll give you... Is it a literal road? Jackie East and Tommy West.

Oh, it's eyes.

Erin, repeat that.

It's eyes.

That is correct.

And you're not trying hard enough if you can't see one eye with the other eye. Do it right now, everybody. Pull over or stop your work wherever you're listening to, hey, Riddle Riddle. I want you to spend at least 90 minutes trying to see your eyes with the other eye.

I think I've realized why you get headaches.

Yeah, maybe. I'm trying to see the back of my brain too.

As we all know, your eyes are brothers and your ears are sisters. That's my new book that I'm writing. It's full of witticisms that have no fucking meaning at all.

And your nose is a single child.

Which is why your nose has the best Christmas. We ready for, let's do another riddle? Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'm, am I ready for it? Sure, yeah, why not? Okay, what does no person want, yet no person wants to lose?

What does no person want, yet no person wants to lose? I feel like Erin's got a lot of really great answers for the second part of that, but maybe the first part not so much.

And I will say, I feel like this is very topical. This is very much in the zeitgeist right now.

I have a great answer for this. Adal, you saying that this is very much in the zeitgeist right now is not any part of my answer. But I would say a parking ticket.

Mmm.

So I don't know about you guys, but the way that I operate is I don't love to do delivery. Because first of all, I think that all of those delivery companies, like the Grubhub and whatever, they're just super exploitative to the people that work there. But also, I'm like, I can go get the food. I'm sober, so I'm never fucked up. I can always just go driving at the food. And I enjoy driving and I enjoy getting out of the house. So through the pandemic, if we've ordered out, I will always go get the food. But in Chicago, a lot of the times, like if you're just running into a restaurant, you're parked at a spot where there's like street parking, meter parking. But I'm not going to like pay for like five minutes of meter parking to go out. And it's usually pretty quick. The other day, I was pulling up at a place to pick up some lunch and I pulled up at the place. But then I saw that Mariah had texted me. So I grabbed my phone and started to text Mariah back. And as I was texting Mariah back, A parking meter reader person pulled up right in front of me and started writing a ticket for the guy right in front of me who had probably done a very similar thing. But then he made eye contact with me in my car, so I pretended to look behind me and be like, I'm just... Not that he could have done anything, because I think if he had just written the ticket, I would have just backed up and chipped it away.

He's trying to catch you with the ticket. You're just dodging it in your car.

But that thing was like, I was fully ready to hop out of a car and just run in there and get the food. And the fact that I stopped to like pause to write my, write Mariah back, you know, whatever we were texting, I was like, Oh, that just saved me. Like, yeah, exactly. I had no idea how much that ticket was, but I was like, that's probably a $50 text message. And then the guy who did get the ticket came out because I was still in my car. He came out, grabbed the ticket off his car, went like, uh, like threw his hands up and then crumpled up the ticket. And I was like, don't do that. Like,

No.

Somehow, somehow that ticket exists. Like you, you destroying it. I'm like, that's not gonna, that's not gonna take it away.

That's pure confidence in who your daddy is. If your daddy is someone, that's a movie poll.

Yeah, that's true. Is it a job, Adal?

Erin, bingo bingo hatata. It is a job. That's very good. I got one. I do want to see a scene. Okay. So this is going to be two separate scenes. The first one is going to be myself and JPC. JPC, we're going to say that this is like the 1950s. Sure. Somewhere around there, like Mad Men era-ish. And you're going to come into my office. I'm going to call you into my office to fire you and you're going to try and, you know, try and keep your job as much or as little as you want to. And then after that, Erin, we're going to do a modern day scene where same thing. I'm going to call you into my office to fire you in 2022. Great. First JPC. Hey Greg, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, Steve. You wanted to see me? You want to make us up a couple of whiskeys while we talk?

Yeah, make mine a double. Do you want a Paul Mall?

Oh, absolutely. That's a Paul Mall. That's a type of camel?

Absolutely.

Here you go. Absolutely. There's a double and a triple for me, and it's 9 a.m. Cheers. What's on the old docket today, Steve?

Oh yeah, listen, now you've been with us for a while and, you know, you do great work. Company man. You're a nice guy, you're a company man. We've given you a car, we've given you a watch, but I have to say this... This is smooth scotch. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's floating from Edinburgh. Wow, Edinburgh. I love their Fringe Festival. Yeah, oh, yes. So many one-person shows about juggling. Oh, yes. Yeah. Now, speaking of juggling, we're trying to juggle a lot of opportunities here, and I got to say the times, they are a-changing, as Bob Dylan will write, and we're going to have to let you go.

Oh, okay, so I'm going into the field. You really want me out there, slamming the pavement, making my boots hurt across the land? I wish, Greg. I think that can work. I wish I... A promotion. I think I need a newer car, though. That's gonna be a company... Hey Riddle.

But listen, we are going to have to let you go. Dolores will see you out and your belongings have already been packed up. I wish to distract you while we talk and your belongings are out front. Wait a second. You're firing me? I'm afraid so.

Oh my god. Where? What'll I do? Where will I go to drink during the day?

Your vacation house?

I guess that could work. There's a lot of booze there. And if I run out of booze there, I could move to one of my other houses. Of course I'd have to see my wives and family and kids. I'm not going to do that. No, I'll just call them little gentlemen and little ladies. Well, it's been a hell of a run. I'm really going to miss you. I'm really going to miss this place.

I'm going to miss you too, buddy.

Take care. I'll see you on the links. Oh yeah, LinkedIn. I'll be on LinkedIn uploading my resume later today.

LinkedIn? I gotta write that down. We cut to modern day. Hey Tiffany, can I talk to you? You can just stay at your desk. You can just stand at your desk. Yeah, what's up? We have to, we're downsizing.

Okay. And you're, and I'm getting fired?

Well, we don't say that word. We say downsizing.

Okay. Love it.

You've been made redundant.

Do it. High five. Love it. Do it. High five. Surf's up, my guy. I'm going to head out. I'm going to go drink some mimosas and keep my standard tie. Cool. See ya. Bye. Oh, real quick. Get some of my razor scooter and leaves. What's up? No, actually. No, you can't. You're not paying me for my time anymore. Goodbye.

We need you to train someone before you leave.

No, no, no. For no money. You can fuck right off with that. Goodbye.

Hey boss, I heard you're firing Tiffany's. I'm Tiffany.

Oh my god, I would love to get fired. Are you firing people?

Are you firing people? Oh, please please please. No, get back to work.

Get back to work.

I don't know what we do. We leverage our information to circle back

Do it. High five.

Surf's up. High five, surf's up. Love it. Do it. Well, speaking of high five, surf's up, why don't you crack open a nice fucking can of something and hit the beach and we'll be right back.

Oh, what about beer? Drink that smooth scotch on the beach.

Yeah, some beer. Scotch on the beach. Next time I go out drinking, I'm going to order a scotch on the beach.

I see a bartender's eye twitch.

I would love to see you get served a scotch full of sand. A scotch on the beach! We'll be right back.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

And we're back. And guys, listen to this.

Isn't that the cutest little thing you've ever heard?

That kind of sounds like JPC.

It sounds like an elephant in the chipmunk's album.

It's like, are you ready, Theodore?

You being a good boy? You being a good baby?

I love it so much.

We're obsessed. Would any of you ever own a bird?

Like how do you keep a bird in your house? We used to, when I was a kid, we used to have, so we lived in Las Vegas and my dad worked for the hotel, the Flamingo Hilton. And one day he was leaving work going to the parking lot and he, there was a bird caught in like a bush. So he grabbed like a tablecloth or something, wrapped up the bird and took it home. Did your dad ever consider selling it? Because I heard a bird in a bush is worth two of the hair. Oh, he got stoned twice. Wait, two a day. I messed up the analogy.

I messed up the phrase? I think so. It's fine.

Sorry. Listener to the show, Emily, her and her family have birds and I made her tell me everything about it. Do you know that birds live for decades and decades?

Oh yeah.

Birds have like multiple owners over a lifetime because they live for fucking ever and they talk.

Let's put that to the test, Adal. How long did that bird that your dad brought home live? We ended up, we had it for a long time, then we gave it away.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, that's what, right?

But it was a red-headed Amazon parrot, and they're, like, endangered. So we think it was part of, like, a traveling zoo or a magic act or something. Who knows in Vegas. Interesting. But it was incredibly smart, and it would, like, what's the term? Wolf whistle? Wolf whistle? Sure. What's that called? I don't even know.

I don't know. Yeah.

What's that? Catcall? Wolfwhistle or Wolfwhistle? Oh, okay. Catcall. I don't even know the term. What I said is nothing. It's a catcall, and it would say words, and it would repeat us, and it would say curse words and stuff.

And they lived for 30 years. That's nuts.

Chilling. But it was a great pet, but I think eventually we were just like, it's so noisy, its cage takes up so much space, so when we moved to Ohio, we got rid of it. Its name was Saeed. I think, oh, that was the name that it came with? No, that's the name my dad gave it because she's Middle Eastern.

My dad was a huge Lost fan. My thing with birds is, I have nothing against birds. I think birds are fine, but it doesn't seem like, and I know that a lot of people do and I think that it actually is okay, but it just doesn't seem like you should be keeping a bird in a house. Like a dog, a cat, yeah that could be in a house, even though of course they're not made for a house, but a bird with the wings truly feels like it's made for the sky.

Yes, that's like if you had a creature, like if you had a dog but instead of legs it had skis and you kept it in a house and not in snow, that would be awful.

Is that a one-to-one? I have to leave the podcast.

I have to pitch something to... Whoever gets there first because I need to pitch something.

Oh wait, I just got a notification from Netflix. They have a new show coming out tomorrow called Ski Dog.

Okay, I just sent an email to help at Disney.com and I think that

Little doggy skis is going to be big. Channing Tatum is little doggy skis?

I would like to see a scene. You both are on a ski lift and you realize that the ski lift in front of you is two parakeets wearing skis and you're just trying to process this.

What is happening? Hi Riddle.

I mean, surely it's just that we can't see their stuff, right? This is a joke that someone's playing on us. We just can't see the front of them.

I saw their heads move.

I did too. I didn't want to admit it, but I did see their heads move.

Do you think... Oh, PS, I'm Jeff.

Oh, that's so weird. I'm also Jeff.

Oh, hey Jeff.

What's your last name? Honey, do you think we should get the season passed? I don't know. How often do you think you're able to sneak away from work so we can come up here to ski? I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know if it's worth the money.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Hey, will you two behind us shut the fuck up? We're trying to have a conversation and we're looking at these goddamn parakeets up here. We don't need to listen to your whole fucking life, you old piece of shit.

Uh, yeah, you got me. You got me.

Thank God you called scene because I'm like, my joke doesn't make sense now. Here we go. Let's do another Riddle episode 199. What goes up white and comes down yellow? Oh, what goes up white and comes down yellow? What goes up white comes yellow.

Okay, so this is when you whitewash a fence and then it's ravaged by the effects of time.

It's ravaged by malaria.

It goes up white and it comes down yellow.

Yeah, it goes up white and it comes down yellow.

Oh, I think I have an answer for this that I actually really fucking like. What is it?

The sun?

That's what I was going to say.

That is a great guess. It is not the sun, but that is a great guess.

Hmm, it goes up, it goes up white and it comes down yellow. Mm-hmm. Uh, I'll give you- Oh, go ahead. Is this, um, is this, uh, like if you pour Drano in a clogged sink and like the white bubbles come up and then it kind of like flushes down with like a nasty yellow color?

What is in your sink?

I mean, I don't want to say, I can't give too much information about what goes in the sink, but human hair teeth.

One of my favorite things is when somebody talks to you about what they think is a universal experience and it's absolutely not.

And you're like, uh oh, you've admitted something. Or is it that we are not cleaning our sinks correctly Adal? Someone's admitting to something.

So you know what you're not supposed to use Drano if like your because it fucks up your pipes but everybody you know how everybody does it because if you're a renter you don't give a shit if it fucks up your pipes because they're not your pipes and they don't show up to fix it yeah I was living in a place one time where you're generally fine with Draydo. I think if you flush it out like in the 20 minutes that it says like flush it out with hot water completely in those 20 minutes, I accidentally fucking just spaced the whole flushing it out thing. And it definitely ate a hole in like the pipe of my kitchen of like that kitchen of my bathroom sink. And I called the landlord and I was like, hey, I don't know what happened, like blah, blah, blah. And what did the landlord say? My landlord came to my apartment. He was like, the fucking guy who lived here before you was always trying to fix shit himself. And I think he fucked up this sink. He tried to fix this pipe himself and he fucked it up. And I was like, yeah, I bet it was that asshole. I bet it was that motherfucker who fucked this thing up completely. And he fixed it. He just fixed it. And he moved on. I was like, woof. Ah, that could have gone really bad. You should have said.

I like that he had faith in you.

I think that we were always very accommodating of our landlord, so I don't think even if we had fucked it up and I had just straight up admitted it to it, I think he would have been like, okay, I'll fix it anyway. Because we used to watch their dog and shit when they went out of town. It was a very courteous relationship, but I don't think he would have wanted to explode over a $50 fucking pipe.

I'm going to do, this might be a first, I'm going to do something where it's going to be called, do you want to do this scene? So the premise for this scene is... Wow.

Well it's the first time in 200 episodes we get to say no.

Wow. Erin, you're a tenant in an apartment and you're having drain problems and so you call over JPC and JPC is a liquid plumber. Okay, yeah that's true. He's made of liquid. So JPC wants to do it, Erin?

I'm in.

Oh wow. Interesting. I thought for sure you'd both say no, that I was planning on you both saying no.

No. Wow.

I don't want to see those scenes. Oh ye of little say.

My favorite Christmas song.

Wow.

All right. Let's see this scene about a liquid plumber.

The door's open. You can come in.

What do you mean you didn't bring all your tools?

I'm just, my landlord just keeps springing for like the cheapest people and you can't do it today? It took like three weeks for you to even come. Oh, it's not your fault. You're doing your best, your liquid, it falls through your hands. Come on man, can you at least try? Just go and look, just look at the problem and see what you can do.

God, why do I have to twist your arm to do this? Gohler, Baim, I'm glad you sought a second opinion. Gorsh, you're pumped.

Get the hell out of here, you perp hurtin'.

See ya. See ya.

Sorry. It's too damn big.

Yeah, I was like, I have to do a Daffy Duck, or not that Donald Duck bit. Donald Duck. I thought you were going with Goofy.

Well, I was playing Goofy, who came in after Donald Duck, yes, the liquid blubber.

Erin and JBC, what goes up white and comes down yellow? You can have a hint. So JBC guessed the sun, and much like the sun, Elton John has a great song about this, the answer. And it's also, when it hits, sorry, when it comes down, it's hitting something. So it remains white, it goes up white, and it comes down, for most of the way down it is white, and then it hits something, and then it's yellow.

It's not cocaine and it's just like snow. It's not snow. It comes up white and goes down yellow.

It goes up white and comes down yellow. So if I were to throw this item in the air, and it is able to be thrown very easily, if I were to throw this item in the air, it would be white all the way up, white most of the way down, and then yellow at the end.

Okay, so it's something that is white on the outside and has yellow on the inside, like an egg.

It's an egg, and of course the song is, don't let my egg go down on you.

I was gonna say cake, like a white cake that has yellow in the inside, but people aren't throwing eggs.

Well now we have to hear J.B.C. sing an Elton John song in the Cadence of Cake.

What Elton John song do we want to do?

Tiny Dancer.

Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer.

Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer.

Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer. Tiny Dancer.

You know the exact one thing I'm going to sing over and over.

Pretty eyed pirate smile. You'll marry a music man. You're a ballerina. You must have seen her dancing in the sand. And now she's in me. All we's with me. Tiny dancer in my hand. Jesus freaks. Outstanding. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And those sound like kick lyrics. Yeah, that's articy. It kind of goes with everything.

It's like real cake. I could see putting on cake and you being like, Adal, you have to listen to this song. This will change your opinion. And him singing Jesus Freaks, or toxic, the word Jesus Freaks.

I think that Cake, who hasn't really been putting out new music, should just do a cover album where they just cover like Elton John songs and like Bob Dylan songs. Like why not? I'd love to hear it in that style.

I gotta be honest, I would probably listen to that. Me too. If they did like Creep by Radiohead and like all kinds of stuff.

What a low bar. It's like a band put on the album. It's like I would listen to it. It's like great.

Thank you. Sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll in. Tide roll in. I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside. I like big butts.

I cannot lie.

Okay, here we go. Let's get to some more riddles. This is famously a very heavy, riddle-heavy episode. Okay, here's our next riddle. What's smaller than an ant's mouth? Ant's butt. And this is ant spelled A-N-T. Ant's butt.

I say it aunt, so I wasn't going to be confused.

What's smaller than an aunt's mouth? Ant's butt.

I was gonna say, JBC's gonna say an ant's butt.

We said it seconds ago. Uh, J.P.C., can you explain your answer? Ant's teeth, ant's teeth, ant's teeth, ant's teeth, ant's tongue. Legally, these are both correct, but it's not the funny fucking little answer that they put here.

Uh, okay.

What's smaller than ant's mouth? I mean, basically you got it. What does a tongue and teeth do? What does it help with?

Talking.

Well, come on, Eric. Stop watching DreamWorks Ants and think about real ants.

Watch a book life. Ants is the Woody Allen one. Ants is the Woody Allen one. We should all stop watching that one.

Eats.

Eats. Yes, it's what the ant eats. What's smaller than an ant's mouth? What the ant eats. I want to see a scene. That makes sense.

Oh no, come on. Let me see a scene.

Okay, Erin.

I'll see. That worked. I can't believe that worked. Holy shit.

Holy shit. That's never worked before.

That's wild. You two are ants at a Michelin star restaurant and you feel like people are not treating you with the respect you maybe deserve.

Gotcha.

Another course. Phillip, I don't know if I can keep eating.

Can I be honest?

Yeah, yeah.

This is like $500 a plate. That's how much you paid for this? I know, it's a nice place. And I feel like this is maybe the third or fourth course in a row that has just been a piece of shit. Like I know we're ants, but isn't this a nice restaurant? Shouldn't we be having like, I don't, like, plus it up?

Yeah, well I feel like we should be having like huge grains of sugar, right? Yeah.

Hi, I'm back with your next course that is again specific from the chef to this table. Here is one big old Dorito. Enjoy.

I mean, this is a little more like it, but still for $500, one big old Dorito. And to us, a regular Dorito is a big old Dorito.

And it also, this is a 3D Dorito, which is like the worst kind of Dorito.

Yeah. It's, it's impossible. Excuse me, Gar-Sant.

Yes.

She's laughing at us. Phil, are you hearing this? I am. This is unreal. She rudely screamed yes and then she started laughing at us.

I hurt myself. Yes, how can I help you? Sorry.

Stop laughing at us. Stop laughing at us. We have two questions for you. One, my husband and I want to know where are you from?

Well, the France part of course.

Okay, fast and answered. And then two, is this, I mean you keep saying this dish or entree is specifically for this table. Is this what everyone else is getting?

No, look around you. They're having scallops and pesto honey in this table. It's happening. Honey, honey, we may not. My wife and I would like to send back our scallops with pesto honey and steak with mushroom goop. It's it's it's absolutely disgusting. Well, the chef made the menu specific for you because you two are such trash.

We saw those ants are eating Doritos over there. We would love some Doritos.

All right, $500 Doritos coming up.

Now we're talking. Oh, here we go, baby.

Yes. I said yes so hard I hurt myself. Yes.

Erin leaned into it. She leaned into the yes so I could see a part of her breaking.

It hurt.

I will say that is one of the more fun accents and words to say in that accent. There's nothing better than yes, which I feel like I feel like my only reference point from that is not even old movies. It's like maybe Animaniacs. I'm trying to think of where I've or or Looney Tunes.

Oh, yeah, Looney Tunes makes sense. I couldn't put my finger on it either, but I have an image of it in my mind. But now that you said Animaniacs, it's animated for sure.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like Animaniacs was one where I'm like, as I got older, I was like, oh, these are real people that they're parroting, like all these actors and stuff. Yeah. No eight-year-old knows who Clark Gable is. Let's do another riddle here. Erin, does that sound good? Can I get a verbal yes?

Yes.

Thank you.

I can make my vocal cords bleed because we're not recording them out.

It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head. What is it?

It stands on... I was going to say a lamp, but I know that's not right.

Well, the Pixar lamp is correct. That's true. Flamingo. It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head. So, Erin, to you, Flamingos have their hearts inside their heads?

Mm-hmm.

And how does that work?

I don't know. I'm not a zoologist.

And so their brain is in their... Butts.

And their butt is in their heart.

What do you say? I don't know how to explain the anatomy of a flamingo to you, asshole. I don't work for you. Fucking this guy coming in here with the flamingo anatomy. Who gives a shit?

Who gives a shit? That's what I'm saying, JP.

Yeah, exactly.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are a couple at the zoo. You're looking at the flamingos and you're both unbelievably unimpressed.

Boo! It sucks.

Boo!

Do something!

I eat shrimp too, assholes. You don't see people paying to come see me, assholes.

You dumb mother- Do something! Do something!

What if I turn the color of the food I eat, losers?

Yeah, everybody could do that if we have fucking translucent ass, feather ass, fucking do something.

Gangly leg, motherfuckers.

I'm gonna hit him with a Gatorade bottle.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna hit them with a Gatorade bottle.

Yeah, do it. They're skipping leg day, clearly. Skinny legs.

This sucks. You suck, Flamingos.

Blue Crush Gatorade by Gatorade.

Fine, I missed. Damn it, I missed.

Fruit punch. I got one.

I got one.

Ready?

You hit, you, you, you, you. No, you, I, I'm, I can't hit, I can't hit this.

Alright, I got it.

Ready? Ellie Oop.

Yeah, I'm bowling. I knocked a couple over. Fuck you, comingos.

Fuck you, dumbass. They flipped right over, dumbass.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you, too. I'm a silverback gorilla, and I can't help but notice you're disrespecting these animals.

Are you sure you're a silverback gorilla or are you a stupidass gorilla, you dumbass?

I'm gonna throw a Gatorade bottle at him.

Do something. Say that again, but look me in the eyes. I guess I would if I could see your eyes down here by your asshole. Do something stupid.

We have thumbs too. That might impress these assholes at the zoo, the other animals. Not me, dum dum. Gatorade bottle of that.

Bummy. Stop. Break neck.

You just broke your own neck, stupid. This dummy just broke his own neck.

Do something. That's the ultimate power move.

I'm gonna go with Gatorade bottle, Adal, it is so funny.

If a group of people ever come up to you and surround you to fight you, scream like you're crazy and break your own neck. That was so fucking funny to me.

I can issue him too. I feel like most people wouldn't know what... If you can convincingly fake a breaking of your own neck, I feel like most people wouldn't know that that's fake. They'd be like, oh shit, this guy just broke his own neck. He's dead. We gotta get so fucked out of here.

I'm gonna get charged for his murder.

Yeah, I'd hold up my camera, put the lens on me, and be like, hey this is Adal Rifai, these people just killed me. And then I'd scan my phone across their faces, and then in video, text it, and then break my own neck. That's a lot of lead up time to you getting in this fight. And no one's going to be like, come on. No court is going to be like, you're saying he broke his own neck. That's never happened in human history. On purpose, I will say. It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head. What is it? It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head.

What kind of thing?

This isn't like a living thing, right? This is like an object.

As ELO once sang, it is a living thing. Woah, oh damn. But it's not, I will say heart is a bit of a strong word.

So would this be like a plant?

Because like plants don't have like anatomy, like a tree or something like that. Heart is in its head. It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head. I will say. I mean, that's in every episode. But there's a very funny scene involving this thing in maybe episode three or four. So much food. It stands on one leg and its heart is in its head. What is it? It's not a dandelion. It is an edible food. I mean, dandelions are edible, but I mean, you would you would switch this out to eat. Very close, very close. Cabbage. Cabbage. It's cabbage.

Oh, yeah.

When that girl tries to twist off the cabbage for 20 minutes, and then she tries to- One hour she's doing that.

Was it one hour? It was one hour.

And then she tries to coax the cameraman into helping her.

Did you watch the one where the kid drops the fish and has to put the fish back in the cooler yet? That is the craziest one you have to watch. It's insane. Old enough.

It's from like 2009, but I guess it just made it over here to Netflix. But old enough, it's fantastic. It's just a fantastic show.

Highly, highly recommend. Well, speaking of wonderful shows that you've recommended, Erin, do you have anything new to recommend to our listeners now?

I would recommend checking out the Skyless Kickstarter. I think there's a little bit more time for you to hop on and get your copy of the second issue of Skyless. It's Sean Coyle's

You said his name wrong?

I did. I said his name wrong. Sue me.

She's talking about Shon's Coils.

Yeah, Shon's Coils.

That's Adal's Rifai.

Comic. And it's so, so good. And I'm really excited for the second one to come out. And if you want to check that out, you can follow him or Skyless on Instagram or check out the Kickstarter. I'm excited for it.

I'm obsessed with this idea now of being like, oh yeah, that's John's Patrick Coan.

John's.

The person that I am is John Patrick Coan.

I'm sorry, whose Patrick Coan is this?

And then also check out sitcom D&D. JPC's episode is out by now. Adal's episode is out by now. So check it out. And those are great episodes to start with because you can really hop in anytime you want. JPC, anything to plug?

I mean, we're in it now. This is, I think, third, fourth week of our new promotion. So make sure that you submit these five-star reviews because today we are reading one from Need. 1-2-3-4-4-5-5-6-6. Love that screen name. Need writes, five stars highlight of my week. Like, I'm not joking. Erin, Adal, and JPC are my best friends, even if they don't know it. I can't tell you how many times I've had my family look at me weird because I was crying, laughing at this podcast. Need, thank you so much for your five-star review. It's so sweet. If you want to get your five-star review read on the air, All you have to do is fucking go in there and write it. Go into Apple iTunes, make an account, write a five star review. Whatever you put in that five star review, I will say live on the air. I cannot stress how good of a deal this is for you.

I'm going to go on and say something weird and you're going to write it.

I got a question for you guys. Have you ever reviewed a podcast? First of all, I have left many a review on podcasts that I enjoy because I think that it helps the show and it takes no time to do so I do it all the time. But have you ever left a review on your own podcast? No, never done it.

No, I will though now to try to get on the show.

On the campaign podcast I think, because my Apple screen name was something, I don't even know when I picked it, but it was something weird that I had never seen. But I did leave a review on the campaign podcast, that show had just come out, it was fresh to come out. And I think my review was, I love the show.

And I'm on it.

I can't wait till Erin reviews our show and gives us four stars. No, I'll give you five. Five. Thank you five.

Adal, anything to plug?

Check out their Patreon. Check out their Patreon at hello from the magic tab at patreon.com slash that name. And then I also want to plug ours recently on a podcast called Tribal Council. It is a survivor recap podcast and I had a really good time talking about this season of survivors so check that out. And I would also I also want to recommend getting married. Look how blissfully happy I am. And can I do 199 episodes in? Can I do the first don't recommend? Oh yeah please. I don't recommend recording nine episodes of a podcast in one day.

Yeah, we messed up and we recorded literally all day. It's unlistenable. This block of time might be a good block of time to skip and just come back in a month and we'll be better, okay?

Hey, and if this wasn't your cup of tea, I remind you that on the Patreon, we kind of consider the main feed kind of like our milk milk lemonade. And the Patreon is around the corner where the fudge is made.

That's the guarantee.

When there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was the fudge I made.

These are all going together. I'm going to get us out of this longest day of my life of recording and by saying Jupiter. Goodbye!

We'll see you at 200. Bye forever. Yay!

Hey there chaps and shorts. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We go back to another one of our classic Ch-Ch-Ch-Chatterbox episodes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew, and you get free episodes for $8 a month. See you there.