Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to my haberdashery. Uh, try on any hat you want.

Oh, okay. Uh, try on this one and this one. Okay, I'm bored.

Ooh, how stately you look. Ooh, what a beautiful gentleman in such a magnificent hat.

Oh, which state?

Oh, you look like a true Delaware, sir. Incredible.

Fuck. Okay, let me try it, everyone.

New York, for sure. That hat was made for you. Yes, how can I help you?

I'm interested in that golden cowboy hat on the very tippity-top shelf. Might I try that upon my head?

That hat? The one up there?

Yes.

Oh wow, that hat wasn't there yesterday.

Curious that that caught your eye. That's the riddle hat.

Oh, not interested. No, no, it's very cool.

It has very interesting lore to it.

Only the most worthy person. It's a real sword in the stone situation. We'll be able to put that hat in our head and pull it off. Would you like to try it?

Wait, wait. So if I just put it on and I'm not able to pull it off, would I have to just wear that hat for the rest of my life? Yes. Uh, no. I wouldn't do that. Was that worth the risk?

The people around the shop were about to say all the rumors they've heard about it.

I've heard that it only appeared after a solar eclipse. I heard it was forged in God's cave. I heard it's the biggest hat in the world.

That's one person doing three voices.

But it's all true.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Sorry. Sorry, second person. I don't want any trouble. Oh, it's fine. So the second person has three voices as well.

You hear that gleaming sound, the glistening.

All right, I think I'm worthy and I think I will try it on. These two people with three voices each have convinced me.

Step up to the three little part mirror. Okay. Stand on here and put the hat atop your head. Oh, a horse appeared beneath him.

Whoa, is that part of the lore or is that something I could do?

Yeah, both I suppose. I've never seen anyone pull a hat off like that. The Riddle hat looks incredible on you. That'll be $1,200. Hold on, hold on.

Not a good tax. Wait, wait. Come on. There's tax? We're in Delaware.

That seems like a fair price to me.

Absolutely.

Fair price.

You have a uniform on. You work here. Do we? Yes.

And we work on commission and this month's been slow.

Hold on, I can take that hat off easily. Wait a second, is this whole thing just a con to get me to buy a $1200 hat? No. Bail, bail, bail, bail.

It's a con to get you to be on a Riddle podcast. Is it working? I'm Erin Keif.

And the haberdashery walls fall down and the live audience appears. And also it's me, your other host, Adal Rifai.

Bet you didn't know you were eating a pizza hut. And I'm JPC, the third and final host of the show.

My sweet friends. Hello.

Hello, sweet friend. I'll grab both of your hands and clasp them to my heart and say hello, sweet friends.

Hello, sweet friends. I want to apologize for our last recording. I was a big old grump and you deserve better and I was grumpy last time, but I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. I'm happy to see my friends. I think you're both very sweet and so so small and I just love you both so much and I'm gonna have a good attitude today.

Erin, we love you. Wow. I don't think you were grump last time.

Erin, apology accepted. I'm just so glad to hear that you said that you were grump because you woke up on the side of the bed. I thought it was the Uncle Santa thing that made me put you in the wrong mood, and I'm glad to hear that I had nothing to do with it. I'm glad to wash my hands and be absolved in any wrong building. Well, I know, I think you've already accepted your apology. So now you're in a very sticky situation. Don't you find yourself at home?

I do. And you know what? Maybe I'll just retaliate by playing Uncle Santa for this entire episode. How about that?

Let's just say, moving forward, if anyone ever appears to be grumpy on the Zoom, the other two people have absolute free reign to play Uncle Santa.

I don't know how you think something that brings me infinite joy is going to be a punishment for me.

And I like how as adult friends we're thinking of ways to punish each other. That's kind of fun and cool.

Well, we are adults of a certain age where we have to start thinking about punishment now, because if we have children, we're going to need to punish them. And so you got to start getting these creative juices flowing again. We haven't punished something in far too long, I would say. Yeah, we got to keep those muscles tight.

What's up?

I've just been tightening my butt cheeks. I actually did have something that I wanted to ask you to. It's not really a riddle, but it's a bit of a hypothetical situation. And it's a bit of a, what would you do in this situation? Like the TV show. I love it. So you're at the grocery store, right? You have, let's say you drove and let's say you're putting your groceries into your car. Now, your first dilemma. Your cart, you have it, you know, next to your car. Do you just throw that cart anywhere in the fucking parking lot? Just push it as far away from you as possible? Or do you take it back to the cart return?

Who hurt you?

You take it to the cart return. That's my first psychopath test. You would not get the second part of this if you just said, you ditched the cart anywhere. It did the same thing to do.

Sometimes if it's cold enough, I will bring it back into the store. I feel I don't want someone to have to come out in the cold and get it.

So I do someone in high school who used to do the cart return like job and they said it was their favorite part of the job because no one like monitored how long it took them to do the cart return so they would just like go out and like do the cart return. I was like okay I'm not gonna deprive someone of that fun. Do the cart return sounds like a dance in the 90s.

I love this country. So much of our jobs are killing time and trying to not be at our jobs. I love it here.

I mean, we do a podcast which is a medium best enjoyed while killing time at your fake jobs. Killing jobs. Killing jobs. Killing jobs. Oh, that's my next podcast. It's like an alt history. Oh, I love it. It's a Bill O'Reilly book about state jobs. It's a Bill O'Reilly book. Oh, he's running out of ideas. He's running out of content. Okay, so here's the actual test. You go to put your cart return back and your cart back in the cart return and in the cart I'm in such a good mood. Go ahead. People will play this in the Uncle Santa episode back to back and be like, I think I get Erin now.

Yeah, if you're binging right now, you have whiplash, I'm sure. Love it, need it, miss you.

So you're in the cart return and you see in the cart return a cart that is empty, except at the very front, the top part of the cart, you know, the part nearest to the hand rail, you see two dozen perfectly fine cage-free eggs sitting there. Yes. No one in sight, no one's running back to be like, my eggs, my eggs, I forgot my eggs. They're in the cart return. That's no man's land.

Do you or do you not take the eggs? Were they in a bag or were they just in their little carrier? No, no bag.

Just, but let's, to put this in context, it's a Costco that doesn't have bags. It's a place that there are no bags. So it's just two dozen eggs in their little egg carrier.

I have a clarifying question.

Yes.

When you say take the eggs, do you mean you take them home with you or take them back inside?

I mean, these are your eggs now. No. I don't want your eggs. Never take them back inside.

I got these just for you. Take these eggs. Oh, that part makes me cry the most. It's not eggs when they sing it, but... I mean, take these and consume them.

These are your eggs to eat now. Here's what I'd say. Here's an honest answer. I would spend 8 to 12 hours trying to find the owners of the eggs. If I could not, I would take them home because eggs Eggs have their own wrappers, and they're not just soft wrappers, they're hard wrappers. So it's not like anyone could taint the inside of the egg, because as soon as you do, the structural integrity of the shell breaks apart and you would know. So I think eggs are maybe the only food, I think truly the only food I would ever take that was left in the cart like that.

I don't want your eggs. I got these just for you. Keep your eggs. That's going to be in my head all day.

Check out, please go to Spotify and listen to 21 Chump Street. It is a phenomenal sort of 22 minute musical.

And yes, I meant to say Chump. Yes.

It is 21 Chump Street.

It's great.

So here's what's... As always, I am completely fucking lost.

No, this is great. My theory on people leaving stuff behind is I don't always think that you should... First of all, I would never take them and they would never be my eggs. That's not the business I'm in.

No eggs will ever be our eggs.

I got my own eggs. I'm minding my own business. So, but I am, I think I'm just leaving it there and not even bringing it back into the store because I think they're most likely to just put that back on the shelf and wait for maybe someone to come in. I think that someone's gonna remember they left their eggs and the first place they're gonna check is the cart they brought back. So I think I'm just leaving it hoping for the best.

Okay, so here's my issue. I actually don't think there's a store in the country that would just take those eggs and put them back on the shelf. I think that they would throw them away. I think there's a mom and pop store that would, but any chain would not. This is a chain. We'll call this what it is. A Costco. I think that they'll be like, we can't put these eggs back on the shelf.

So why not leave them where someone will look first?

Because here is my thing. I don't think people are driving back to Costco because they forgot the eggs. Costco is a place that you go for a ton of stuff. And I think that there are so many points of failure that people would not think, oh, cart. I left my eggs in my cart. They would think, I left my eggs at the Costco. I should go back.

Where in the cart were they? Were they in the little front part?

The front part.

They know they're going to check the cart first.

That's like what I call the fanny pack of the cart because it sits right about your waist level and it's just a little pouch to put stuff in so I call it the fanny pack.

And I have walked back to Jewel Osco in Chicago in the rain. It was like a 15-20 minute walk from my house because I forgot like a $4 thing. It's the principle of it. It's also like a mental health thing where you're like, I actually am not going to be cheated out of this when you feel like you've lost control and the train just won't come.

Well, I don't know if you leave something in the cart.

I don't know if you were cheated out of it. You think that your experience is the universal experience? You think most people would go walk 15 minutes in the rain for $4?

I think that a third of the population has a sort of like clearest thing where you go, you know what? I'm a six. I live 16 minutes away from Costco. I'm just going to drive back and see if my eggs are still in that cart. If not, I'm going to walk in and ask.

I accidentally left a switch that I bought at Target in the cart and I just ordered one online. Could not be bothered.

See that's insane to me.

What if you're like- I'm joking, I'm joking.

Well I know but I'm just saying that way of thinking is insane to me because even if it's something cheap like what if like you go home and you go I was gonna make a frittata. My frittata plans are completely dashed.

I've done it before where I've got some food to go food, brought it home, opened it up, and it wasn't vegetarian. And I was just like, if it's a place that I can call, I'll call and be like, hey, is there anything? Can I get it taken off my bill or something? And if not, I just throw it away. Because the one thing I'm not going to do is drive 20 minutes there and then 20 minutes back. I'm not going to add another 40. My time is more valuable than me. Correct. That's how I feel. If I notice it, if I'm like, if I pick up my food and I'm like, oh, let's just look at it right here. Oh, I'm in the parking lot. Sure. I'll go back in and be like, oh, actually this has meat in it. But honestly, any other context, 40 minutes out of my way. No fucking way.

Anything under $20 I'm not going back for.

Well, this is a perfect. I had a literal moment where I didn't. It was like, my time is not valuable, motherfuckers. I've got all day this past Saturday and I had a friend in town and I was like, waste my time. I dare you.

I gotta say, Erin, this is the wrong choice. Immediately, friend to town. I know this is a friend from high school, right?

Yeah, I care about her so much.

Wrong choice.

No, great choice. She's subordinate. So, I go, there is the CVS that is kicking my fucking ass in LA. That's it.

Said no one ever.

It is. I truly was like, I've never had problems with CVSs in the past. I love you CVS. You're great. This CVS...

This is the most Erin story ever.

I have waited in line for two hours. I think this is a common problem with pharmacies right now. A lot of people have to wait in really, really long lines for their medicine. This place is also- They're short staffed.

They have one person working.

They're disorganized. I'm mad. I walk in the door mad now because I go like, I don't even need to ramp up to it. Let's just start mad. And I walk in on Saturday and there's no line. And it looks like it's going to be smooth sailing. And I went, what the fuck is this going to be? I smell despair in the air.

You're like a pirate on the high seas.

And I go up and I go to pay for my medicine, and one of my medicines that is normally like $15 is $180. And I go... Adal, you pay it and you say thank you.

Here's a $20 tip.

And I said, what about my insurance? And they said, what insurance? And I go, the insurance card that's worked. Every time I've been in here and they were like, oh, um, they, your insurance, and they looked it up, took about 20 minutes. They said they canceled it. And I was like, why did they cancel it? I can see the little payment on my phone right here of me paying it just last week. The payment went through. Why would they be canceling my insurance? And they said, I don't know. And then I must have had such crazy eyes, the ones I get from my mom, the sort of like fucking wah. Yeah, get out of my Honda Accord. Exactly. Another employee came up to me and was like, I'll deal with this. And then I sit down. I just sit down in the middle of an aisle. It's the baby aisle.

Well, any aisle that a grown woman is sitting down in the middle of is going to be the baby aisle.

Exactly, a little. And I'm just like pat like him on my phone. I call. I'm on hold for 20 minutes. And then for 30 minutes, I am trying to talk to this man who is sweet but annoying from my insurance.

Going like, what? My ears are burning.

Yeah, hi. It was Adal. And I had to sort of just beg him to, I was like, do you understand that this is a little frustrating? That's like half of the price of what I'm paying for insurance just for one medicine. There's literally no reason why this got canceled. And he was like, yeah, I'm not seeing a reason why. And I go, well, will it happen again? And I go, because I actually could get pretty sick if I don't take this every day. Like, I'm in dire straights here. Like, you need to give it to me today or tomorrow or I'm kind of fucked. And he was like, I don't have to tell you. It's reinstated. I don't have to tell you. And then I go back up and then they're like, it's actually still canceled. And I was like, I got all day.

All day.

And there was another hour and a half on- You get prescription strength sweet tarts, is that right?

Exactly. It's candy and I need it. Cheers me up, Adal, and that's important too. But it was an hour and a half back and forth. Ended up that they couldn't- they were like, it takes 48 hours to reinstate. And I was like, but I need this medicine now. And they were like, oh my God. And then I eventually, to the woman who was being so condescending to me, I went, what do you think I should do? What do you think I should do? And she was like, uh oh. And I was being polite, but that was the one time I was like, what do you think? What do you think? And then I had to pay the money for it, and I kept my receipt, and now I have to call and sort of beg the insurance company to pay back my money.

To reimburse it?

And I've called twice now, and I've been on hold for an hour each time, and I'm not gonna give up.

Yeah. Now, here's the thing, Erin, that I completely agree with. That is, like, when it's medicine, it's like, no, you can't, you can fuck me on eggs. You can't fuck me on medicine. Like, I accept getting fucked in on eggs.

It's also an illogical injustice. If there's gonna be an injustice, if I didn't pay something, you can throw me down the stairs. Do whatever. But if I did everything right, and you're being a dick to me, No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And listeners, if you enjoyed what you hear, please check out the new book and play, The CVS Monologues by Wendy Wasserstein.

So anyway, I kept the eggs. I just took them home and they're my eggs now. Erin, do you have some riddles for us?

Wait, I had a hypothetical. Here's my hypothetical. What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bathroom floor because he's hungry? What's the only way to feed him? Sit with a man for a little bit of money.

Do it. If it's the only way.

That's what I'm saying. City high, city high. Erin has laughed herself off camera.

She's like a muppet. About twice an episode, Erin will laugh so hard that she unplugs every corner.

That's what just happened.

That's what Casey calls his favorite moments.

Ah, better. It's better, it's all better. Yeah, so how long did I just talk for? I blacked out.

Ah, don't worry about it, Erin. Let's just do, let's at least do one riddle and then we can take a break. Great, great, sorry.

That was from the CVS monologues and you were playing Maria CVS and we're all excited to see you perform that live.

I thought it was the CVS chumpalogues. Is that what we said earlier? I don't remember. Is it Chump something? Is that, what was the musical? 21 Chump Street. That's right. It's so good.

Chump Street.

Never heard of it. Never heard anything about it.

It was written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Ira Glass.

For this American life.

Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Yep.

Okay. A chainsaw.

Man made of tires? Man made of tires? Are you telling me that there's a man made of tires? I'm tired. Check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Adal Riddle. Okay. Okay. So these are from Basil B. Said that we can use their name.

That cute.

Great name.

So they have some

Warm up riddles for us, and they wrote us a really lovely email that I'll read to you after we record. Okay, great. Let's do this. I have a head. I have feathers. I fly. Although I don't breathe, laugh, or cry. No limbs, and I've got one bone. I'm handheld, but I never am thrown.

Bird ghost.

Okay, I would like to see a scene.

One bone. This has got to be my Uncle Mark.

Adal, you are a ghost and a bird and JPC, you're a man just trying to get to work.

Getcha.

Squawk. Squawk.

We give at the office.

Huh?

We give at the office.

We give at the office.

I'm sorry, were you asking me for money?

We give at the office.

I'm sorry, I thought you were asking me for money and I was saying that we give at the office. What does that mean? So at the office we have like a collective plate and we kind of give.

Oh, so your corporation can write it off as a tax credit.

Yeah, exactly. That sucks. Not for the corporation.

Squawk. What can I help you with? Your corporation killed me. Squawk chirp.

I'm sorry. How did the Mountain Dew Company kill you?

I was a bird, a falcon, and one day I was thirsty as all get out and I went into a trash can and I saw something called cod red, cod red, a red beautiful liquid, and I slurped it down and exploded.

Alright, let's see, opening up my briefcase, taking out a code red, closing my briefcase.

Wow, you have a briefcase full of Mountain Dew?

I do, yeah. I work at Mountain Dew.

I didn't think that was a thing.

You didn't think it was a thing? What was it a thing? The briefcase or the Mountain Dew inside?

Both. Okay. I'm a bird.

On every label, we clearly have written, not for avian consumption.

I'm not an avian. I'm a bird.

Avian is bird.

No, avian. Avian is what Gord Housewives sell door to door.

No, this is just a, it's a broader encapsulation for bird. So you were warned not to drink the code right. So that's on you. It's not on the Mountain Dew.

You drink it. I want to watch you take a sip. If it's so safe, take a sip.

I didn't say it was safe. I said it's dangerous for birds. It's even worse for people.

Give a settlement to my family. My family!

How much is this going to cost? How much is this going to cost me?

Give a settlement to my family.

How much of a settlement?

You didn't have a number? 3,000 worms. 3,000 worms. That's going to set me back. 2,500 worms. 30 worms. 10 worms.

I will give your family this can of delicious Mountain Dew Code Red. Now. Deal. Okay. Okay. All right. Deal. Deal's a deal.

Here you go.

It drops right on the floor. I can't care. Yeah, you're a ghost, huh?

Oh, and PS, I'm supposed to haunt you until your dying day, but don't worry. That's next week.

Okay.

Well, you're skateboarding in your dreams and you break your neck.

Wait.

I'm skateboarding while awake, but I'm skateboarding while I'm asleep. You're skateboarding in your dreams and you break your neck. I don't know how since when? You keep saying in my dreams. Am I breaking my neck on the dream or am I breaking my neck because I'm skateboarding in real life while I'm asleep?

Listen, it doesn't matter. You can't stop it. You have to fall asleep at some time. The minute you do, you're going to have the dream and you break your neck.

No, I don't. Uncourse the code red. One way out. The poison is already inside.

That was from Macbeth.

Wow.

Isn't that amazing?

The birds you meet in heaven.

That's amazing.

Wow.

Wow.

Sometimes when I was younger I didn't understand Shakespeare when he's talking about Mountain Dew and Code Red, but now as an adult I kind of can, even though the language still doesn't make sense, the subtext is clear.

He invented so many words, didn't he? Old William Shakes.

To us, it doesn't make sense, but to the groundlings of Shakespeare's time, the common man. The person we love. John Lovett's, we love the groundlings. The same generation of groundlings.

I loved the new Macbeth, by the way, if people want to check it out. I vowed I would never watch a Macbeth ever again after I was on crew for it in college, because I had to hear it probably like a hundred times.

And it's even harder for you because of all the rowing as well, right?

Of course. Yes, of course. I had to row on stage. No, I had to clean all the blood off of clothes after everyone else was allowed to go home. I was on costume crew. And the kids clothes were covered in blood. And so I was like, I'm never watching Macbeth ever again, but I watched it and I loved it.

Why were you cleaning the blood?

What was Lady Macbeth doing? Out, out. I did the whole monologue every night.

That would be so funny if they cast someone as Lady Macbeth and they're like, so you do all the laundry after the show? And it's like, but wait. And they're like... Trust me, there's cameras hidden. They record your performance.

They record everything. At the Repertory Theatre in St. Louis, I was a personal dresser for the actress Nancy Bell, who played Lady Macduff. And she was like one of the lights of my life. She's like one of my favorite people I've ever met. And that was the most positive experience. She was like a great mentor to me. Very cool. But I did have to clean blood off of clothes for three months in the winter. And I was like, why am I so depressed? It's so weird that I'm having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. But Denzel Washington is just so good at doing Shakespeare.

I was in a college production of Macbeth. I played Caithness, and I wore all leather and had two giant axes, which were very fun. And the lead actor, the guy who was playing... I'm sorry, this is the second lead. He was Macduff, not Macbeth. He said Macbeth in the theater, which everyone was like... You're supposed to say that Scottish play, if you don't know. Because to say Macbeth is cursed and will bring great strife upon you. He said Macbeth. We all kind of laughed it off. Two weeks later during a dress rehearsal, he jumped off the stage during a fight scene and broke his leg to where he had to have like screws put in his bones. He was able to still play the role, but it was very, very bad. And everyone was like, the power of Macbeth. That's rough. Yeah, pretty well. And he was a very good baseball player and could not play anymore.

That's... I love that story. I don't feel sad. I'm ahead. I have feathers. Yeah, arrow.

There you go. Great.

Residing in four separate halls, we 50 nobles proud and tall. The royalty is what we be. We are not ashamed to play with thee.

It's a fucking deck of cards, Erin.

Yeah, don't yell at me.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you are the Queen of Hearts. Thank you. JPC, you are the king of clubs and the two of you are kind of catching up at a reunion. Sure.

Shall we dance?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can dance sweetness. Can we get a bottle of just something bubbly, something with some color to it? Thank you so much.

I forgot that you're kind of a dick.

What's that?

Nothing. Nothing.

Kind of a dick. I'm the king of the dicks.

Oh, yeah. I can't believe you have a little bit more value than me.

You're looking good AF. What's been going on? Pilates? What is this? You want to be in a video? You want to be in a music video? Damn. I've been missing you.

I'm actually seeing someone.

That's okay. I got a wife.

I don't give a shit.

Hello, how's it going?

I am a one-eyed joker.

This is him.

This is your guy. This is your man. Do you mind if I juggle these bottles of vodka?

He's really funny. Yeah, what's up, player? Yeah, step into the rope. Step into the rope. This is your dude, huh? Everybody calls me Big Tim. I'm the king of the club. Grab a stack of ones, man. Have fun. Have fun with this. It's all paid in here.

These are, sorry, the aces are ones? Typically the aces are, what, 13? Yeah, I love this guy.

No, he doesn't want aces to have more value than him, so he makes the one in this club.

Aces are one. Aces are one in here.

Yeah, so he owns this club and... Wow.

That's why I'm hosting the reunion. All the cards in here. You know, I'm tight with all these cards. I'm tight with all these cards.

I grew up on a farm. I have to ask, how many eukres of land is this club? What's the euchreage on this?

I love this guy. Hey, you know what? Why don't you go see my friend Spider, uh, uh, Solitaire. He's in the corner. He'll hook you up with whatever you need tonight, man. Okay, thank you. Yeah, have a good time.

Bye, sweetie. How dare you, man? I'm happy. Don't condescend to him. I'm happy, yes.

I'm happy too. I'm happy for you.

Hi Riddle.

It's not about what I want from you. It's what you want from Big Tim, the king of the club.

What's it gonna take? I don't know. Maybe I'll see you around. Maybe we'll be dealt in the same hand.

Well, I'll definitely see you around, girl. And shuffle, and shuffle, shuffle.

Ooh, the queen of diamonds, girl. You lookin' good.

Say it.

What is it, Bob?

Hey!

What are you doing? Say it.

Oh, that's my favorite scene. Remember? Oh my god, that, what a fucking funny opener.

Every time I'm shuffling,

Oh, I'm old man puzzles.

Yeah, you can't just, you can't just do the... Can't just sing LMFAO.

Not that I'm allowed to have fun today.

LMFAO shorts.

I'm unknown to you. You've to understand me. Before you can guess what I happen to be. You know what I am, but your mind is in doubt. So think one last time and figure me out.

Is it the answer to this riddle? Yeah, is the answer like a question or like a riddle?

You got it.

Yeah, that one, I actually really liked that one. That's great. It's because I got it so fast. And for our podcast, it's kind of a Ouroboros.

Right. I don't think we've ever had a riddle where the answer was riddle. This is a momentous occasion. Where's that champagne we bought episode one?

Real quick, I do want to see a scene because Adal mentioned Ouroboros. So Adal, we are going to be playing Ouroboros. You're going to be playing Ouroboros. Erin and I are your roommates trying to get you to come out. You just discovered that you could eat your own tail. And so, we're all snakes. You just discovered you could eat your own tail. We're trying to get you out of the apartment.

Hey man, the Uber's here. Let's go. We're gonna miss the birthday party.

Oh, I'm good. I'm staying. I'll go ahead. Go ahead.

Oh, no. I'm so tired. We're gonna miss... This is Kevin's party. We can't miss.

I just saw Kevin. I'm just so tired.

I'm gonna watch Felicity.

He's your best friend, man. Nah, I'm gonna watch Felicity. I heard she gets hit by a bus. You're tired? We just did a pre-party bumper cocaine. What do you mean you're tired? No, I'm just so tired. I just leave. I'm just going to leave.

No, I don't buy that for a second because you got to the part where she cut her hair and now it's unwatchable.

Okay, fine. You're not trying to watch Felicity. Fine. I want you to leave because I'm going to go into the dorm showers and I'm going to eat my own tail. What? I found out I can eat my own tail.

Is that why you've been locking yourself in the shower?

Yeah. First of all, it's impossible. It's a myth. People can't eat their own tails. Snakes can't eat their own tails.

Oh my god, why are you showing us?

Holy Jesus Christ, I wasn't trying to get you to show... I just barfed up the mouse I just ate.

Show me how. Show me how. Michelle, what are you doing? That Kevin is annoying.

You don't want to eat your own tail. It's all you're gonna do.

No, I won't get addicted to it. I'll do other stuff too. Like watch Felicity season 3.

All you have to do is, you know how when someone steps on us and we kind of coil up? Yeah. Just kind of don't have someone step on you, unless that's your thing, but kind of mentally take yourself to a place where you're getting stepped on. You'll sort of coil up, you'll start to turn inward, and then your tail's right there and just swallow it down.

Okay, if Michelle's doing it and Aura's doing it, then I guess... I guess Sean's gonna give it a coil as well.

Here we go. One.

Two.

Three. And I do such a good job that I disappear.

I spit my tail out!

Oh my god, Michelle's gone!

What the fuck, Michelle?

You did it. It feels amazing. She's on the other side.

Oh, you went too far.

Oh, perfect. Let's go walk for a little break and then we'll do one more.

Okay. Is that the break?

Yeah, that's the break. Perfect.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using. And so now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe we'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by Salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye.

And we're back from break. We have one more riddle from Basil B. Okay. Using this, the more you think, the more you use, the more it shrinks. Changes function either end to create, destroy, and start again.

Did a brain cell? Is it a butt? The more you use, the more it shrinks?

Love the way you think, my guy, but no.

Beans, beans, and magical fruit. Okay, but you did say the more you use, the more it shrinks, right? Oh, a pencil! Or a candle.

You're on fire today.

Did I get it? Wow, wow, wow, wow. It's a pencil. I'm impressed. Wow.

Well done.

Very nice. All right, Eric, can I tell you something?

What?

I'm Basil B. I wrote this email.

You did?

I wrote this email. Yeah. Is this real? No, you didn't. And I wrote the whole nice thing that you were going to say to us.

No, that's so mean.

I know, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it. I had her believing, though. She did believe.

I was basically- I was like, that's so manipulative. It's such a nice email, you fucking weirdo. It's such a wild thing.

Wait, did you really do this? No, I did not, but I saw the look in Erin's eyes where she believed me and I said, oh, bail, bail.

Because that thing you did on my episode, your birthday, someone's birthday, some episode, you were like, this is from John.

I've done it before. I've done it before. I've written riddles for the show and submitted them like they were a listener, but I've never done it. I've only done it when I was reading them. I've never done it as a fake person that Erin read the email. That's insane.

If you read this email, if you saw what I saw and you had written those nice things, you would think that you were a lunatic too.

I'm gonna do this by the way. I want to vow right now that I am going to do this. I will trick Erin with this and I am going to do it. Never be comfortable again.

That's some Freddy Krueger shit. I do want to see a scene. JPC, you're one of the founding fathers and you're kind of writing the constitution or some important document along those lines. Erin, you are the pencil or pen or quill that's being used to write this document and you're kind of giving some input, some direction.

Okay, let's see. Constitution. Colonies. United under one. Central government. Let's get it going. Okay.

Hey.

Number... What the heck?

Hey, thanks. I'm a feather.

How much snuff did I take out of my snuff box?

Before you dip me into that sweet little ink, I just want to make sure that you're... You know what you're doing here. You're gonna make sure you know that you're writing that... Things should change over time. You're probably going to, say, get rid of slaves right away.

I don't think we should worry about this. This is just a constitution. My guess is this will last 20, maybe 25 years, then people will kind of, you know, naturally kind of do it.

Ooh, I've met a couple men before. So my guess is maybe... Okay. Even with all the amendments, they're gonna be holding on tight.

I was thinking I would keep it kind of broad, keep it kind of vague, and then people in the future could kind of interpret what I meant, and I'm pretty sure they'd have the best will at hand.

Ooh, will they? Will they? This is just giving me pause, and I'm trying not to get involved in the work, but I've been the pen for a few composers, and they've let me Give some input. I'm the one who did da-da-da-da! Unless that's 100 years from now.

No, I've heard about that. We cut to that moment. Okay, let's see here. Boop-a-loop-boop-boo. I think that's pretty good.

Boop-a-loop-boop-boop. Oh, is it?

Uh-huh. What if we did something- How much laudanum did I consume from my laudanum box?

What if we did something like, High on the Heel is a lonely go-to lay-o-lay-o-lay heel?

Oh, yes. Okay. High on the hilltop, there's a goat lady who- We're gonna be famous.

We cut back. We cut back. All right. Well, here's what I got so far. We the people of the United States and a magical talking pen.

Thank you.

Right? Because you want the credit.

Yes, I do.

In order to form a perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, always make sure there's enough ink, provide for the common defense, vary up the types of ink, promote the general welfare, maybe make the holes a little wider on the ink dippers so that more pins can fit in the ink, And secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves, and our posterity, and whatever wild new types of writing implements that we make up in the future.

Yay. Ooh, well, shit, you forgot the thing about women and slaves. They'll figure it out, right?

Well, do you have an eraser? I don't. That's on you.

That's on you, Ken. This is the best. This place the best.

Good country, good country. You know what I was just thinking guys? It's been enough time that I think the last time that we fed Sandy, we only gave them such a little amount of food and water. Why don't we dig up into the sandbox?

I gave them like a handful of Cheez-Its and I'm sure those are gone by now.

Oh, no. I poured sand in his mouth. I thought he ate sand.

Oh, no, no, no.

You know what? We'll clear this up. We'll ask him. Let's just go to the river and then dig deep into the silt of the river bed.

It's sanding box. It's sanding box.

It's sanding box. Yeah, Adal, I was trying to tell you, there's sand everywhere. You don't need to stuff it into my mouth. It's fine. Oh, I'm pretty good. But thanks for the cheez-its though. That was great, Erin. Okay. How are you all? Welcome back to my sandbox.

What's been going on since the last time that we saw you?

Well, I have been chugging along making puzzles. Most of the pandemic I had to stop doing, in fact, yeah, for most of the pandemic I had to stop doing in-person events for obvious reasons. All of that fell away. So I've been doing a lot of Online team building games like trivia games, online puzzle hunts for companies and stuff, which has been fun. So that's been like my business has been shifted entirely into doing virtual stuff. That's amazing. You had one of my early in the pandemic, you had one of my favorite things. It's hard to say favorite things during the pandemic, but it was. It's one of the things that helps keep me sane, which was the Alinea puzzle hunt, which I was doing daily with my friend Brett Lyons. It was very fun. Yeah, that was a huge thing for me. I heard from a lot of people that that kept them sane at the beginning of the pandemic. It was like April, May of 2020. Exquisitely done. Congratulations on that. Yeah, thank you. And, you know, I've been doing a lot of things that are like that, but for private companies and then also like hour long trivia games. The craziest thing I did though was in person. Someone hired me in that in for summer of 2021, when everything was blissful for a few months to run a bespoke escape game on a private jet.

What?

I know. It's as crazy as it sounds. How much details can you give us? How much details? Adal, come on. I can tell you, I can tell you a lot of it. I mean, the guy wanted to make a party for his friend. He had, has money and he decided to rent a jet, a private jet. And we flew from Chicago to New York, which is about an hour and a half, two hour flight. And he's like, I want a game for these like six people on the, for me and these, my five friends on the flight. Theme to this guy's, you know, 50th birthday. That's incredible. Were you on the plane? And I was in the plane. Wow.

In a little compartment waiting 45 minutes in and they open it up and I go, I only have an hour of oxygen, please.

It was like the overhead container.

I had never been on a private jet before and it was exciting, although it is just, you know, you're on a plane. It's just smaller and much less room to move around. And then when we got there, I don't know if you know this about where private jets land in New York, but they land in Teeterboro, which is in New Jersey. I'm sorry, that is the most elitist sentence I've ever heard. I don't know if you know this about private planes. Come on, Sandy. Come on. I didn't say, I don't know where you fly into.

I'm covered in dirt right now for no reason at all. So no, I don't know where they fly into.

So I didn't know this either. You can't fly a private jet into Manhattan. You fly it into Teeterboro, which is in New Jersey, and then you take a helicopter. And so this guy also rented a helicopter. So we got this helicopter tour of Manhattan. That's crazy. And then it was very nice. And I'm saying this out loud so more people hear that this is an option and throw money at me so I can do it. I think you're confused by what tax bracket our listeners are in.

They are Baroque grad students who cry and ubers.

I send our listeners money. If they all pool their money together, I can go on a private jet again.

We might have some helicopter pilots that listen, but it's less cool. For them, it's just work.

Gemma's a fighter, isn't it? Is that close? It's very close. Yeah, I'll do an escape room on a spirit chat. That sounds fun. Sandy, I have to ask out of curiosity, what was the food like on this private plane? It was Cheez-Its and Doritos.

I don't know, why would you think there would be, you think there's like a full meal on a flight from New York to Chicago to New York?

Am I the only person here who's seen the movies Shop Girl with Steve Martin?

Yes. I'm sorry, then I apologize. If I've seen it, it's been so long. Sandy, my question is if it was an escape room, did they get out?

Yeah, well, it was... And plummeted to their death? The challenge was to get into a locked suitcase and then inside that get inside a locked bag. And then they did and then the prize was basically like the news about what they were going to be doing in New York, which was going to a fancy dinner at per se. Oh, Eric Ripert.

Excuse me, did somebody call for an Eric repair? Oh my god, your Eric's all out of wick.

Let me just wrench, wrench, wrench. Eric repair, the king of modern seafood. No, it's uh, what's the guy's name? The fresh laundry guy. Did someone call for the king of modern seafood? But here's the cool thing. He here you shrimp for everyone. Is that I got to go, so they were doing a thing before dinner, so I got to go too per se and get the attention of the major D who helped me set up the final puzzle at the dinner table, which involved a cryptex, which is like one of those things you see in And Dan Brown's movie? Da Vinci Code? From the heat and leaving just a few marks. Anyway, that was exciting. That's amazing.

I looked it up.

La Bernardin was what I was thinking. That's that's Eric Ripert's place.

We didn't really have time for it. I had another character prepared, which was French Laundry. But we, Sandy, we have to get into some puzzles.

I don't know. JBC, I was crying laughing. My wife's a ruin. My wife's a ruin. And what? You were really throwing everything at the wall. And I never get to these stains. This is Italian Laundry. Eric Ripert was very, very good, JBC.

Sandy, do you have some puzzles for us, lowly non-commercial flyers, for today's podcast?

I do have some puzzles for you. Some puzzles per se. Per se. So the puzzle set I have today, I don't have a name for it, but let me just describe it. I'll come back with one. I'm going to give you two words. They're going to be alliterative, and you're going to have to change one of the words. To something else in the same category, to make a common phrase or let's say a comp or a name. So as an example, if I said Walrus Wrench, two W's, you would change Walrus. You could change Walrus to an animal or you could change Wrench to a tool. But in this case, you change Walrus to another animal, which is a monkey. You get Monkey Wrench, which is a common. Monkey Wrench Foo Fighters. Yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense. Okay. So let's get started. Let's say Fat Friday. Fat Friday. Fat Friday. Okay. Fat Friday. I'm going to change Friday to another day of the week to make it Tuesday and say Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday is correct. Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday. Nice. Okay.

I was thinking Ruby Tuesdays, so... So, ignore me. Not good at this yet, but we'll see. Give me a time.

It's Italian laundry.

Tourmaline Tuesdays. JPC.

Yeah, that's Ruby Tuesday. That's Ruby.

That's Ruby Tuesdays. Pink Pages.

Yellow page. Okay. Yellow pages.

Boom. Tiger trot. Fox trot. Fox trot is correct. There's another animal. I'm amazing. Let's stick with yellow. Yellow yacht. Yellow yacht.

Yellow submarine. Yellow boat.

Wow. Nice one. Champagne cello. Uh, ruined cello.

Best of cello.

Yeah, champagne flute is correct. And actually the cello needs to come from that region of France, otherwise it's a base. It's just a base. No, it's just a big violin. Yes, yes, yes. Vogue Verde. Okay, this is where I check out. Vogue Verde. Okay.

Verde.

Verde. Vogue Verde. Vogue Verde. Vogue magazine. Is it a magazine? Which word do you think you're going to change?

Verde.

I hope it's Verde. I think you're changing Verde. It's also Verde. You're changing Vogue? Okay, so Vogue is a dance. Vogue is a dance.

Yes, yes, yes.

I got it. How about Buffalo Boron? Buffalo Borat.

My scat? What's boron?

My sauce? Boron's an element. Buffalo wings. Buffalo helium. Hold on.

Hold on. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. That is a dead stop on Adal. On Adal. On Adal. Because I want to know what he thinks wings are on the period. Did you go to some like Buffalo Wild Wings sponsored state school that was like provided?

Here's what I'll say for myself to stick up for only me. I went to a state school, yes, and I will say we were taught the Bible, which is similar to the Bible, but the angels, the angels were named Boron, Helium, uh, Gold.

I cannot believe the bullet I dodged, you guys. I said Buffalo Helium, and I was like, that dead stops coming right at me.

Wait, so is Boron the thing that gets changed? Buffalo Boron.

Boren is the thing that gets changed. So Buffalo, Wings, Buffalo, New York, Buffalo. It's not a guess, but Boren is, it might be a guess, but the answer is not a guess. It's an example. Is it another one of those? Buffalo Nickel. Buffalo Nickel. That's wild, yep. How about Hawk Hood? Hawk Hood. Hawk Hood. Which is my least favorite, Jeremy Renner character?

Hawk is changing.

Yes. Hawk Hood. Eagle Hood. Crow Hood. God, Turkey Hood. Robin Hood.

Robin Hood.

Yes, JPC. I had to say Turkey Hood twice, but it helped me.

Hawk Hood. But it got me there. It loosened to the jar.

Hawk Hood, men in flights. How about this? Catan cereal. Catan Cereal.

Cereal changes. No. Catan changes. No. They both change.

No.

No. I change. And let it change me. The Riddle changes me. I become a better person.

Catan Cereal. Catan Wheat. Catan. Because you need wheat to play Catan. So Chris Catan played Mango. Mango... Oh, a mango cereal. That would be, mmm, bad.

Kick cereal. Sugar cereal.

I have to imagine changing katana because I can't think of any phrases that start with katana. Yeah, so maybe I should change the clue to Candy Land cereal. Hello everyone. The only game that rewards you for having tons of children.

You're not letting them eat that fun cereal? You're not having the one that's like Reese's? The Oreos?

They think that's the fun one. They don't know about the other stuff. I won't tell them. No. Arabic America. Arabic America.

Okay. Sharia law. Sandy got a big politics in.

This is my sharia in law. It's my wife's sister.

Is it Arabic America?

Yeah. Arabic America.

Is this an airline? Is there like a... No, not yet. Arabic America. America changes.

No, Arabic changes.

Like Swedish America or something like that that is an airline? Like Virgin America, no. Does America change? No. Arabic changes. It's Arabic changes. So it's another language.

Well we know that Gary Larson wrote that famous comic strip Farsi. So it's another language plus America?

Spanish America.

French America. War. Spanish America War. French America War. America. Man.

Mexican America.

Oh Latin America.

Latin America.

Latin America.

I took Latin in high school for nothing for no reason at all. It's helped me zero.

Erin for nothing in Latin is actually

Stirkus. That's what I'm saying. I don't know any of it.

Stirkus, just so everyone's clear, is poop. It is one of the only Latin words I know.

How about this one? Limburger Larsen. Limburger Larsen. So Limburger is a cheese. Oh, nice. Wow, Erin got that quick.

I love cheese.

Do you like Brie Larson? I have nothing to say about her.

I like Brie Larson. I thought she was great in the movie short-term 12. And I also like Baked Brie.

Oh, Baked Brie. I think I liked Baked Brie better than I like Brie Larson. I like Brie up until she bought NFTs.

Her internet presence is a little ooh. All right. How about this one? Pool Phoenix. River Phoenix. That was fast. Washington Williams. Wendy Williams. Washington Williams.

Washington changes and it's another president? It is not another president.

Washington Williams. Alabama Williams. Florida Williams.

Texas Williams.

Tennessee Williams.

New Hampshire Williams. No, Adal, it's not yours. It's New Hampshire Williams.

Hey, I don't know what to tell you. I can't fix a New Hampshire Williams. You've got to be Eric's around here to leave a bed. And of course, New Hampshire Williams. That's something I can do.

Of course, New Hampshire Williams is John Irving's nickname. That's a joke for five people in the listenership. All right, a couple more? Yeah, let's do, we can do two more. All right, two more. Seat skirt. Seat skirt. Skirt steak. Seat skirt. Seat skirt.

It's skirt changer.

Skirt.

Pencil skirt.

Table, okay.

Table skirt? Seat dress. Isn't a table skirt something?

Seat skirt. It is. Yeah, it is something. But that's not what I was going for. It was to cover up the legs of a table so men didn't get horny.

Wait, skirt stays. The word skirt stays?

No.

Oh.

What was it? Seat skirt. Seat. So instead of a skirt.

Seat belt, seat belt, seat belt. You got it.

Seat belt. Wow, that's good.

That's good.

I'm going to kind of say that with seat suspenders because that sounds more fun to me. Yeah. That's more like a belt. Yeah, seat suspenders. And finally, Maria Macy's. That's my favorite music. Maria CVS! Maria CVS!

Yes! I had a moment where I was like, wait a second. Is Maria CVS a real thing? Or is that something that I'm leaning since on the podcast?

Hey now, hey now, this is my dream.

I think about Maria CVS and that riddle four times a day. I think it was the best moment of the last decade of my life. I'm not even kidding.

Erin, somewhere out there, she's looking up at the same moon and she's thinking of you too.

I don't like to think so. That and when my narcissistic ass was the answer to the riddle that you made.

Yes. Well, not even just your ass, your whole being was the answer.

Yeah, the ass felt it the most.

Yeah, for sure. Sandy, thank you so much. Where can people find you? What do you got going on? What can people get excited about?

Well those are three different questions. Answer one of them. I'll answer the best one. I'm on Twitter at PZLR and I post puzzles there every weekday at least. New small bite kinds of puzzles you can think about for a few minutes and answer and then move on with your day. I'm on Instagram at Mystery League and I post there occasionally, but most importantly is I have a new publication and newsletter called Signals that you can sign up for for free and or you can sign up for as a paid member and get exclusive stuff like a Patreon and that's five bucks a month and that's at Signals.fun. That's the URL you can go to to find all that good stuff.

Okay, cool. Congrats.

That all sounds amazing. Yeah, thank you.

Everyone, you go to signals.fun, and Sandy, you go back in this riverbed, I believe. You don't know where your home is. We're sorry we keep doing this, but let's pour some sand.

See you in a month or so.

Don't look, kink shame. Sorry. Not a riverbed. It would be a river shiffer robe. Reverse engineer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Bye. Erin, anything to plug?

I'd say check out sitcom D&D. I'd also say follow HeyRiddleRiddle on Instagram and Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle because we have maybe some live show announcements rolling in over the next few months. Maybe I'm just talking hypothetically because I'm so weird.

Look, I think we can say that there will be some live shows in 2022.

Yeah, maybe like multiple, like a few in different parts of the country. I would say maybe just follow us. Now's a good time to follow us on Instagram and Twitter, so check that out at HeyRiddleRiddle.

Adal, what about you guys? Anything to plug, big dog?

Big dog woof woof. I guess I would just plug, if you can't hang with me, stay on the porch. That's my big thing.

That's my big thing.

JBC, anything to plug?

Ah again, big talk t-shirts. If you can find them buy them, they're still good. They age well. I'll also plug the t-shirt section, a selection of Kohl's. If there's a Kohl's in your local area, you can pick up a Mountain Dume t-shirt or whatever they have nowadays. Definitely check out your t-shirt selection. And you know what, I've been loving, I've been, normally I think it's absolute dog shit, but I've been loving some of the stuff we're doing at the Patreon nowadays. So check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle. Riddle and Erin, my dear. Do you want to take us out, I know that we didn't get a lot in this episode, so do you want to take us out with one final little riddle?

Yes. What is Jupiter?

I think this is another one with the answers in the riddle. Hey there Buckeyes and Bengals. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another state series and this time we are going to Ohio. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew for $8 a month and you can add free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.