Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey JPC and Erin, do you mind helping me with, uh, you know how I suddenly become a singer-songwriter?

Ho, ho, ho. It's me, Santa. Hold on.

Hold on, Erin. Sorry, I forgot.

No, sorry. We're watching a power play here, you guys. Let's see who comes out on top, Adal or JPC.

Hold on, Erin, I forgot. You were saying, Adal, ho, ho, ho. Erin, I'm so sorry. I forgot my uncle is Santa. It's my mom's brother.

You don't have to yes, Ann, to this. Get your control back, Adal.

Hey, no, it's fine. Hey Uncle Santa. Yes, Adal? Uh, did you have somewhere to be? Or, I mean, I know you're not busy till December, but, uh, how's the divorce going?

Oh, it's going well. I divorced one of my reindeer. Ho, ho, ho.

Hey Uncle Santa, I'm a singer-songwriter.

Erin, we're not related.

Oh, sorry. Okay.

Who's this?

Adal, introduce me to your friend. This is my friend and co-host of a podcast I do. Her name is Erin Keif, and she's a goddamn delight.

Please, to our shante, the pleasure is all on this side of the court.

Are you hitting on me, Uncle Santa?

Don't kiss his hand, Erin, don't kiss his hand.

He put it out! What am I supposed to do?

No, I'm not hitting on you, sweet girl. I'm only attracted to reindeer. Okay, so what happened here?

My aunt is Vixen. It's a weird... My cousins are fucked up, but it's... Hey, you're out of potato salad, by the way.

No, I had a cold. Are you kidding me?

I had a little snack. You ate five pounds of Joolosco potato salad, you fucking pig. What? I didn't have breakfast.

This is how it went, everybody. Adal said, I have an idea for the start of the episode. JPC says, great, I can't wait to hear what it is. Adal did an initiating line and then JPC said, ho, ho, ho.

And then you heard that. Who's JPC?

It's me, Uncle Santa. Here, here, JPC is another one of the co-hosts, and honestly, he should be number one with a fucking bullet on your naughty list. Will you put him on your naughty list?

Oh wait, do you have a horny list? No, he wants to be on the naughty list.

Do you have a horny list? I have lists for children of all stars and stripes. Ho, ho, ho.

Stars and stripes? That's weirdly patriotic. Um, we don't like that. Uh, JPC, I mean Santa, Uncle Santa, I mean Uncle Santa. Uncle Santa. You should probably head out unless you want to host this podcast. I do a show, it's called Hey Riddle Riddle. I've told you about it before, but you didn't really respond to it when I told you about it. It's kind of like me and my friends and we solve riddles and puzzles and lateral thinking problems. And if you're a first time listener, I know this can be confusing because Santa's not usually here. But Santa, if you want to, hold on, Santa, if you want to stay and host the entire episode as you, then you can stay.

Uh, okay, I mean I have, I have nothing going on today. I thought that would back him down. I thought that would back him down.

You literally just, he's old man puzzles this episode too.

Let me ask you ho ho ho. The premise being, like someone say like me, would just ask Riddles all episode ho ho ho.

Uh, yes, that is pretty much it, but I will say, and this will probably deter you, this will probably make you bow out. Along the way we do kind of... We just poke fun at the riddles and the wording and we do improvised scenes. And I know Santa, I know you did some groundlings classes, so I know you're not much of an improviser. You're more sketch.

Sketch. I did stand up in the 80s. The 1580s. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, that's right. It was a lot of like livestock jokes.

You sound like the Count from Sesame Street.

You're a very naughty woman, Erin. What if I'm into it?

What if I said, what if I'm into it? Stop trying to lift up your jeans. That's not how jeans work. I'm lifting up my jeans. I'm going to roll them up. It's so sexy. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Your leg's turning white. The blood is kind of, no. By the way, you're out of uncooked bacon. Ho, ho, ho.

Out of what? You raided the fridge and ate the raw bacon?

No, I just said you were out of it. Ho, ho, ho.

That's too much nitrates, Uncle Santa. Listen, who cares about my initiation? Yes or no, do you want to stay for the podcast? Please say no, please say no, please.

How much does it pay? Ho, ho, ho.

How is everyone's weekend?

Oh, mine was okay. What did I do? What did I get up to? Netflix. Chilling. Hey Erin. I watched that new Spider-Man. Ho, ho, ho. Hey Erin. I liked it. That Tom Holland's really something. He's going on my nice list.

Hey Erin. Yeah, I'm listening. This is extra painful because there's a lot of episodes and even ads where I play Santa and JPC is like, He's gotten annoyed with me and he's like, you always play Santa?

Yeah, there was an entire month last year that we had a Santa bit in every episode.

Who is this JPC that you speak of? If I'm going to take his shoes for today's episode, I should know his deal and kind of his energy.

You really want me to get into it?

Just the broad strokes, if you don't mind. Ho, ho, ho.

This is not a man, it's more of a haunted, backward baseball cap. He cares more about horse piss than anyone else on Earth. He wants to take your cousin on a date. He wants to take his cousin on a date. He wants to take every kind of cousin on a date. He sucks. He's mean.

He's the kind of guy where you say, you're a fucking agent of chaos. And he says, agent of K-pop. And then he goes into like a BTS or Blackpink song.

I don't know. That sounds a lot more like Adal.

No.

His cheese have no sleeves on him.

He reminds me of a little reindeer I know named Rudolph.

I just looked and we've only been here for seven minutes.

See, Rudolph has a nose so bright that only he can glide the sleigh, Rudolph. Oh.

Where do you think I'm from? Yes. I do.

Okay. All right. There's two sides to every story. My side is that I didn't have the fucking money to pay the bank taxes.

Will you give presents away for free? Have you thought about charging the parents?

Never. I would never charge a parent for a present for a child.

Hold on. Adal, write this down. Charge the parents. Meet the parents' reboots where the parents get credit cards. Okay. Sorry. I was just, uh, I have my little journal here.

I wrote it down too, Adal. May the best man win. I'm writing down all the same ideas as you. Let's see who can write a script faster.

Challenge accepted. Santa, do you mind hosting by yourself? Erin and I are going to have a script off.

I don't mind. I could do a little Santa cast if it's okay with everyone.

Santa, Uncle Santa, what is this? First of all, what if this is someone's first episode? Have you thought about that?

Well, it's someone's first episode every day. And the children who listens to podcasts can play.

This fucking sucks because I was going to open with a song by making myself a singer-songwriter.

Oh, oh, do you still want to do- Uncle Santa is happy to improvise. Why don't we do this? Why don't Uncle Santa cook up a warm-up riddle for the two of you?

Before you do that, I love that idea and I'm excited for that. Can we hear what Adal's initiation was and then start the episode again right now and see how that goes?

Oh, yes. Adal, would you like to start your episode over?

I'm sorry if I stepped on anyone's toopy tip toes. I mean, we're ten minutes in and the wind's kind of been sucked out of the fucking sails here.

Nope, that's what I'm saying. This will re-energize us. Let's start the episode over.

So we'll cut out this first ten minutes.

No, we'll keep this. But then the real episode starts now.

Well, I know you said it starts now, but I'm just a little confused. It's April, and Santa's here. I'm just... I'm sorry.

Here, here. Okay, here we go. Well, I wouldn't be here in December at Christmas. I'm working then. This is the only time where it makes sense for Santa to show up.

Okay. Hey Uncle Santa. Hey, Erin, you know how I recently became a singer-songwriter?

A singer-songwriter? I have a song you might enjoy. Well, it's Christmas and children are lining their streets. But at night all the children are kissing their sheeps. You are a songwriter.

If you are an improviser and you have been on an improv team for a while, there is a phenomenon called one person's drunk. And it's that someone came from like a work event or a birthday party and they're drunk and no one else is. On an improv team, everybody has to be drunk or no one can be drunk. And JPC has drunk on an improv team energy right now.

You keep saying JPC, but I don't even think he's here today, Erin.

Fuck it, I'm done trying. Warm up Riddle, let's do it.

Well hold on. JPC stands for, I believe, John Patrick Christmas. So you might... Do you know him by that name? Let me check my list. John Patrick... Oh, I do see him on my list. Santa, you're looking at an open hustler magazine.

Yes, well, it wouldn't make sense to look at a closed Hustler magazine. There's nothing on that cover that's not uncovered in between.

Touche, touche. What do you see on your list, Uncle Santa? Well, on my list, let's see. We have a riddle submission. You can't be, right? I'm ready. Instead of writing in for presents, somebody wrote in for a riddle. Erin's getting really annoyed with me.

Some of these kids... No, I just can't believe what a mess this is, but if you guys are enjoying it, then yes.

Some of these kids are so fucking dumb that they're right Santa with riddles instead of asking for gifts.

Does anybody ever write in and ask for forgiveness?

Huh. Um. No. Most of the time, kids either haven't done anything wrong or they have no concept of forgiveness.

Okay, Santa, let's get to some riddles because I think Erin's getting pretty pissed at me. I thought to make this a whole episode thing, but I think Erin would prefer to- No, no, no.

We're here and I want my kids to be happy. Here we go, Uncle Santa in April. I'm here and I'm happy and I'm doing it.

Why are people upset about Uncle Santa? I was just here staying with- I ate the potato salad.

No, I'm happy that you're here. We're happy you're here. Read some riddles. Let's do it.

Let's do it. This riddle comes from a person who didn't give permission for us to use their name, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's very funny, and I assume Casey will just bleep it out. This riddle comes from... Wait, you know Casey? I know every boy and girl. And man, Casey's a man. Okay, go ahead. This riddle comes from... That can't be the real name, right?

No.

It's too good. I see, it's pronounced...

Yeah, well, stop saying it because we have to bleep it every time.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Oh, hold on, Santa. We're getting a message here from the North Pole. Oh. Okay. It says that Vixen, your ex-wife, has moved on and remarried. Oh, I don't want to read this.

What?

Tell me. Tell Uncle Santa. It's really bad news. I can take it. Your ex-wife Vixen, the reindeer, is dating Leonardo DiCaprio.

That ho ho ho. Leo, yes. Yes, for sure. Up here, pound it. Bring it home for the big dog. Uncle Santa. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. I have a dumb warm-up Riddle. Oh, and it's very appropriate to me. Uh-oh. There is a polar bear. What is his name? What? This person says there's a polar bear, then they ask what is his name?

Okay, so Erin, we all know and love polar bear Seltzer. So maybe his name is Seltzer? Or maybe he's named after, maybe he's Coca-Cola? Because I feel like those Coca-Cola commercials, the polar bears was the original ASMR. And if you doubt me, look it up on YouTube.

His name is Fizzy Beverage. That's our final answer.

Well, hold on. Fizzy Beverage, final answer? Yep. That's your final answer. I'd like to see a little sea.

I've never seen Erin more put out in my life.

Are you sure? Because there's an entire episode where you made fun of my beautiful sweater. Because are you sure? Are you sure you've never seen me more put out in my life? What about the time you literally put me outside in the cold? Unbelievable. No, keep going. You locked yourself out of the studio. Exactly.

There seems to be a lot of tension here. No, Uncle Santa. No, it's fine. I'd like to see a little scene.

Is that how it works on your show? My beef is not with you, Adal. It is with JPC.

He's not even here.

You are fine, Adal. Go to the car. Go wait in the car.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, I will do the scene.

I will do the scene. Uncle Santa didn't even say you were in it. What if Uncle Santa wants to cast himself in the scene?

I'm going to count down from three.

Then what will her? Alright, we'll see you in a scene. Erin, you are going to be playing a woman whose name is Fizzy Beveridge. And you are the imaginary friend of Adal's character. Adal, you are a child who is very distraught and Fizzy Beveridge has come to cheer you up.

Okay. Ah, woe is me. The weight of the world is on my shoulders like an albatross round my neck.

Turn that frown upside down. It's me, fizzy beverage.

Stop pouring whipped cream in my mouth. What are you doing?

It's so sweet and sweet. I'm fizzy beverage and I'm here to turn your day around.

Don't spin me while you say that.

Please stop, stop.

Whatever this is, stop.

Hey kid, do you want to drink static electricity? But it's a beverage. It's a fizzy beverage.

How did you get in my house?

Well, the Tooth Fairy is an old roommate of mine. I broke into her place, grabbed a key.

She has keys?

And here I am. Yes, of course. Why do you think that she flies so slow? She's a key ring with all the heavy keys. Do you not know your Tooth Fairy lore? What do you know? I'm Fizzy Pepper.

Take whatever you want. Take whatever you want.

I'm here to rob you while I'm here.

My mom's jewelry is in the sugar jar.

Okay. I'm gonna just rummage through this. I thought you were here to rob me. I know, but I'll take this brooch. I'm Fizzy Pepperidge. I'm here to rob you and cheer you up.

Whatever you want, please just don't hurt me. Do you have a gun?

Um, not yet, but I could fly away and grab one.

Not yet.

I don't know.

That's almost more terrifying.

The night is young. What can I do to make your day better?

Leave.

No! Won't do that. Can't.

Can I call a friend so he can come over and enjoy the time that you're sharing with me?

No.

Please, I just want to call a friend. Is that okay?

Are you gonna call someone to get me sent away?

No, not at all. Here, I'm just gonna take out my phone very slowly. Let me dial my- my peer, my same age friend, uh, Darren.

Where do your parents hide the cash?

Dad? Hey Dad?

Oh, grab that phone.

Oh, hello, son! It's me, Dad!

Sorry, time out. Uncle Santa, usually when we play another character, we distinguish it by doing a different voice. Was I not? It was very similar.

Okay, but I listen to the show. They're usually pretty similar.

Well, yes, I do my own voice constantly, but so I could understand... Wait, you listen to the show?

I'll be honest, I dipped out around episode 100. I really had no idea it was going to go on this long.

That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. But yeah, let's pick it up and you're my dad and just do a different voice. Just whatever. Yeah. Okay.

Hey dad. Uh, yeah.

Time out. Santa, what's your favorite celebrity? Oh, uh, Garth Brooks. Do a Garth Brooks impression. And nobody can do... Here's what I'll say. When I'm stuck for a voice to do, I think of a celebrity I like or even don't like. And I try to do an impression of them, and then inherently it'll be different, but not so much that it sounds like the celebrity because not everyone's good at impressions, not everyone's Dana Carvey. So do Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines, and that'll lead you to a new voice. Here we go. Hey Dad?

Yes, it's me, Garth Brooks.

I'm just sitting here reading a magazine.

Someone broke into the house. Will you please come home, please?

Yes, I'll be right there. I love you.

I love you too dad. If anything happens, I love you. My friend Darren is coming over. Is that okay?

Was that Uncle Santa?

Sorry, time out. Hey Erin. Are you mad at me? And Seed.

Okay, in every scene in the rest of the episode, you have to ask me if I'm mad at you. Promise?

Yes, Erin.

You said yes! Okay.

You still didn't get the answer to that, Riddle. Oh, there's a polar bear. What's his name?

Yes.

That's all we have to go off of. It's more of a joke than a riddle, I'll be honest. Is it a pun? Yes. It's a polar bear. Yeah, it's wordplay. I'm not necessarily sure it's a pun. It's just wordplay. There's a polar name.

What is his name? Is it his?

No, you know, it's a polar bear. I would say start with bear. Grizzly. Adams.

Baron.

Yeah, well, yeah. Bear. HBO's? Polar bear. Chernobyl.

Section of the city.

Bill Hader is? Barry. There it is, yes. There's a polar bear, his name is Barry as in E-E-A-R-Y. Yes, it's just like all bears are named Barry. It was a warm up riddle. Well Uncle Santa, can I just say, that's not really a riddle, because there's no way to suss that out. That was just kind of a dumb joke.

Oh, well, I mean, that says more about the person who submitted it, I guess. Well that sucks to hear it, but you're right.

I would like to see a scene. Uncle Santa, your polar bear. And Adal, you're a grizzly bear and you guys are on a date and talking about the differences of what kind of bears you are.

Cool. And Erin, speaking of differences, did you want us to do like different voices?

No. I think you can stick to your voice.

Ah! Ah! Ha, just woke up from hibernation.

Uh, well, you're 15 minutes late to our date.

Oh, so funny.

Oh, sorry, we made plans six months ago. And, uh, it seems like you aren't very punctual. What are you taking me out in? Uh, I'm taking you out in this hollowed out tree that I put wheels on. Oh, is this a Honda?

No, it's a Logton Continental.

Oh, uh, okay.

No, I'm sorry. Hold on. It's a tree sun. It's a tree sun.

Never mind. It's a tree sun. It's a tree sun. Yes, a tree sun. Tree sun is better. Tree sun is better. Yes, tree sun is Sintra. Yes. Okay. Well, I guess it's okay that you're a little late because I know that your type of bear is usually late. Wow. Okay. What? I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? Well, your type of bear is always so uptight and I can see all the shit on your ass. Hold on. That's true of both of us. Okay. Both of... Our butts are pretty much, and it's pretty much all over. We live in the wilderness. I was going to say woods, but obviously tundra for me. I drive a tundra.

Oh, of course you would. I mostly forage for honey and berries, whereas you eat seals.

Yes, I eat seals exclusively. And I like to get them right at the climax of Kiss for a Rose. That's when I pounce.

Yeah, I heard, oh I saw on social media maybe, that you bought two front row center tickets for seal, couldn't make it, couldn't get rid of the tickets, and had to eat the cost.

I had to eat the cost. So you really eat the seal? Yeah, and I was going there literally to eat the seal, but I ended up eating the seal, if you know what I mean. Have you ever been to Wet Seal? In the mall? That's actually, that's offensive. What? Some of my best friends are wet seals. Oh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

I've been hybriding for six months and I may not be up to date on the latest offensive terms.

Well, I mean, I appreciate that apology, kind of a non-apology, if you ask me, but I appreciate it. I mean, I know that you're not the most progressive type of bear and you're trying, so I give you credit for that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, do you want to... Just so we're clear, there will be no sex tonight.

But there will be blood on DVD Blu-ray Daniel Day-Lewis.

Well, maybe sex is back on the table.

Seen.

Sex is back on the table, boys. Looks like sex is back on the table, boys. Santa, do you want to wear the rings?

I cannot wait to use that in my real life. I can't wait for your context for that.

Ah, you were saying, Adam? Oh, Santa, do you like Lord of the Rings? I love Lord of the Rings.

Who's your favorite character? Mine is Legolas. Hmm, Legolas. Good pick, good pick. I'd have to say Gimli. Oh, nice.

That's a respectable choice. I got a question, Uncle Santa.

Yes, Erin?

Um, do you know Fred Claus?

Are you asking if I know Vince Vaughn? Do you? Yes, I know Vince Vaughn. Owen Wilson introduced us at a party.

All right, then I got another question for you.

Yes?

Who's your favorite portrayal of any kind of Santa in any movie?

Tim Allen. I love his politics.

No, no, Uncle Santa. You've been here.

Why are you- Just kidding. Funny Uncle Santa. I like the Billy Bob Thornton Bad Santa, a movie that probably ages pretty well. No, my favorite portrayal of Santa is that old Coca-Cola Santel.

Santel.

I like his big Santel glasses. Wait, are you thinking of Mickey Santel, the baseball player? Oh my god, Mr. Home Run himself, Mickey Santel. Of course that's who I'm thinking of.

His famous nickname, Mr. Home Run. Um... Who is... Sorry, you were saying the old man who played Santa?

Oh, the old man who played Santa in the Coca-Cola commercials. You know, he stayed with me for two weeks to study for that part.

I don't remember the Santa from those commercials. What? I remember Fred Flintstone when he dressed up like Santa, and he stole Barney's pebbles, and then he said, Ho, ho, ho, I'm ha, ha hungry.

Yes, that is something that happened.

My favorite Santa is the Santa from the M&M commercials. He doesn't exist. Oh, the green sexy one? They do exist. Oh, and they both paint.

Kind of sucks to hear everyone's favorite Santa as it's the one who is the real Santa related to Adam.

Uncle Santa, I don't really get... Okay wait, so you really, you're done and okay, I think I've been a little bit confused.

Okay.

Hey, Erin.

Hold on. No, I want to see where this is going. What? How can I help you, Erin?

I just have to check in. Erin, are you mad at me?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. It shows. How can I help you, Erin?

Am I mad at you? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Fuck. So GPC, or no, sorry, Uncle Santa. Okay. I was confused. Yes. And I thought that Uncle Santa was a different kind of Santa than regular Santa. I thought there was Santa and then your Uncle Santa and then there's like Fred Claus. You know, there's just different kinds of Santa.

I'm Santa. I'm Adal's uncle. You could call me Uncle Santa, but to the rest of the world, I'm just Santa.

So I kissed the real Santa's hand?

Yes you did, Erin.

Wowee! Holy smokes! My attitude has turned around! I thought you were weird Uncle Santa, but now I know you're Santa Santa? I'm way more into this episode. Let's do this.

Every weird man is some little boy's uncle. Uncle Santa, there's also a rumor, and I don't know if this is true, there's also a rumor that in your downtime you're the lead singer of Blues Traveler?

I'm the lead singer of Blues Traveler in my downtime. But here's the thing. I still need John Popper to do the harmonica because I cannot play it.

How come, Uncle Santa?

It's because it's a keyed instrument.

Okay. Casey, if you just want to put one word in the chat about how you feel about this episode, just one word will do.

And don't put Christmas. Uncle Santa, um...

Casey said delete, but we are not listening.

Uncle Santa, in just a moment here, we do have to go to commercial. This is truly par for the course. But Uncle Santa, I do want to ask, I do see, even though it is April, I do see that you have your huge ass sack. Come on, man.

Well, you're back, you're back, you're back. Oh yes, yes.

Did you, and it doesn't look like it's empty, did you have something to give either Erin or I?

I never show up anywhere without a big sack of gifts because, let's be honest, any time of the year you see Santa, you're going to want a gift.

Isn't that right, Adal? Absolutely. I mean, Aaron, can I just say, I don't see Uncle Santa often, but what I do, he always comes gift in hand.

I'm not mad at you anymore, by the way.

Last time, it was a calculator watch. Uncle Santa, what? Thank you, Erin. What did you bring us?

Who would like their gift first? Adal or Erin? Well, we could go by who's been nicer on the list. Well, then Erin will go first.

No, Adal, you.

No, it's you, Erin.

Oh, that can't be right. That cannot be right. That guy, that guy, that guy has never had to scroll. Do you know what I'm saying?

I have elves most places, but I don't have eyes everywhere. So if you close all the doors and then you like jerk off and say a curse word, Santa's not going to know about it.

Wait, okay, hold on. Let me run and let's do a test. I'm going to run and do that. I'll be right back. Tell me if you know.

Well, I mean, I'm gonna know because she said she was gonna... She said she was gonna.

Well, Santa, while Erin's masturbating... Oh, wait, never mind.

Yes, you are. And now, Adal, you are nicer than Erin, so you get your gift first. I will say though, the gift order is kind of important because the gifts don't change. Here you go, Adal. It's some gluten-free pretzels. Oh, this is a great gift for Erin. What am I going to get? It would have been better if she didn't run out of the room. Erin, here you go. Here's a thousand books you'll never read.

Oh, no. Adal would have loved this.

And for you, dear listener, a commercial break.

Here's some things he should buy for Christmas and April.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just going to let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Oh no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

And I just want to let everyone know, I don't think JPC was ever here! No, not for this episode, to be sure.

But in spirit, he is in a way. This is the most JPC episode we've ever done in a way.

I guess I get what you mean. Uncle Santa, I do this. And this might be the hardest riddle of them all. On Christmas Eve, how do you make it to every home in the country and in the world? I do a lot of cocaine.

New it. Let's do some riddles.

It's like a white and black dove, but flies without wings and speaks without a tongue. Pat Benatar. Oh yes, Pat Benatar. These boots are made for walking ho ho ho. A paper airplane.

Made out of newspaper.

It's black. What was it? These doves are black and white? It's like a white and black dove, but flies without wings and speaks without tongue. Okay, black and white dove.

A drone.

Flies without wings. You were closer with newspaper, Erin.

It's like a black and white dove.

Is it a tweet?

Time.

It's not a tweet, it's not a time. Speaks.

Speaks without a tongue.

I would focus on the black and white aspect, and no, we're not talking about two different kinds of bear. Oh, is it the movie Miracle on 34th Street, which is filming black and white? Oh, that's a very good guess. It flies without wings and speaks without tongue. And it's black and white, like a newspaper.

Okay.

Flies. Is it actually going in the sky?

Uh, no, not necessarily, but it does move from place to place and could theoretically go in the sky. Hmm. Santa, can you give us a little hint? Uh, let's see. Um, when it says it speaks without a tongue, it doesn't actually utter the words aloud, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't communicate in some way.

So is it some sort of printed item? Is it like a magazine?

Oh yes, printed item.

I would agree with that. Is it like the fucking Bible?

Don't talk about that shit to me, man.

Not a book. Uncle Santa's mad because he was left out of the Bible.

No, I'm just mad because I'm only the second most popular character in the world. Jesus is A number one.

Well, you really only exist because of him. I don't know why we added another guide of Christmas. You stole his birthday. What a weird thing we did. Holy shit, why did we do that?

Probably the prophet Muhammad is probably more well known too. Okay, I'm maybe number three. Let's see, is there anyone else? I gotta be bigger than Moses, right?

Oprah?

Michael Jordan? Oh, Oprah and Jordan. Okay, so I'm five at least. So yeah, I got me- Oh, sorry, Lionel Messi. Oh, Nessie. And Loch Ness Monster. Nessie and Messy. Yes.

Paul Giamatti. Giamatti's bigger than me.

He's so big. Top three for sure. Top three for sure. Jamie Foxx. I got beef with Foxx. Jamie Foxx. Jesus, the prophet of Mohammed.

Jason Alexander.

Jason Alexander, of course.

Oh, Dan Brown. Oh, Dan Brown.

June Squibb.

June Squibb. June Squibb. June Squibb. Oh, I don't beat June Squibb.

She was last in a black and white movie. No, actually she was last in Hubie Halloween, but before that she was in a black and white movie called... She was also in The Humans.

You know what else is bigger than you?

Oh, please say that so.

Laura Dern.

And Steven Yeun.

God damn. Well, that's probably true. So maybe the Bible ain't so bad. Thanks Adal. Oh, is it like highlights magazine? No, this is more like... People don't really send these anymore, but there was a time where children would send me an awful lot of letters.

Letters, letters, letters. They fly.

It's a letter. Congratulations, Erin. I should also say these riddles are from Ryan. Thank you, Ryan.

I want to see a scene. Oh. Erin? Oh, hold on. Uncle Santa, you are a... Yes, Adal. Uncle Santa, you are a young child. Oh. Aaron, you are Santa. And Uncle Santa, as the child, you wrote Santa Aaron a letter, but Santa Aaron, you did not receive Uncle Santa the kid's letter.

And am I confronting Santa about this?

Yeah, I think so. I think you're pretty bummed. You don't necessarily have to be pissed, but you're bummed, at least, that you got nothing for Christmas.

And I'll put the last present by the tree and- Excuse me, sir! Oh, oh no! Um, you're just imagining me. My name is Thomas and I am a little boy. Well, Thomas, um, ho ho ho. I'm Santa and I just left you just such awesome presents. You're gonna love them.

Let me see. I see my sister's name and my brother's name, but I don't see any presents for Thomas.

Well, they wrote me letters. Ho ho ho.

Uh, did you not... Did you not get my letter from Thomas? Did you have a letter from Thomas? Did you see?

Some kids say that they wrote letters and ho ho ho, they're lying!

I wouldn't lie! I wouldn't lie to you man, this is my life! Did you even come to see me at the mall?

Ho ho ho!

I saw you, you weren't there. It was some other guy at the mall. Where were you Santa?

I told my mom, I'm not going to tell this other guy, cause he's not real!

No, that's me! Ho, ho, ho!

I let everyone fall in America! It wasn't you!

All those Santas are little spies for me, the big guy, and they tell me what kids want. So you didn't tell me what you wanted at all? Did you say it in a little wish, in a dream, into the night sky? Ho, ho, ho! None of that!

I whispered it to the moon.

Then I should've gotten it. Oh ho ho, let me see. What's this behind your ear?

Uh, is it a cracker? It is! An intact cracker behind my ear? What are the chances? Is this what you whispered to the moon? No! Oh, oh. I was eating crackers. Oh. Well, I'm gonna go. I wanted a pobble horse.

Erin, are you mad at me? Yes. Santa, that was great. You played a kid. I truly believed you were a kid. Did you? Yes, and Erin.

Santa, that was so realistic. It seems like maybe you had that interaction.

Like it feels like you were pulling from... It feels like you were pulling from experience. And Erin, can I just say you were fantastic. Uncle Santa, do you feel like Erin kind of captured your essence? In a weird way, I do.

Erin, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, of course.

Who fucking told you about those mall spies?

You know what, Santa? I just assumed. Because wouldn't that be a good idea, I thought, in my head? Wouldn't that be the smart thing for Santa to do?

Yeah, and that's what I do and what I've been doing, and I'm not just starting that now.

Mmm, interesting. Can I get paid for that idea?

I'm broke. They got me on back taxes, Erin. I got nothing. And then Vixen got half of nothing. You're barking up the rug. Vixen got a little more than half of nothing. Vixen know how to hide the money. Santa never had an accountant. Plus I hired Nick Cage's business manager. I lost my castle. I lost my dinosaur bones.

Well, I'm sorry to hear, but I did write you a little song just to kind of cheer you up. I wrote it in the last five seconds here. Do you want to hear it?

I would love to hear it. Because with a little child sings a song Santa will grow his heart on a log.

Wow, beautiful song, Uncle Santa. Thank you.

Let's hear yours.

No, we don't have time.

What's the next riddle? It was made with singing, purchases, and tears. And the one using it has no idea. It was made with purchases... Something else... It was made with singing... Singing? Purchases and tears. A coffin. It's a coffin. Correct, Adal. And if we've had that one on the show before, I wasn't here for it. Here's your next riddle. No lips, yet it whistles. No feet, yet it runs without ceasing. You'll feel it touch your back, and you'll turn to see nothing. Is this a goddamn train? My man. If you feel a train at your back, I guess you'll see nothing because you're dead.

Well, I was on mushrooms at a train concert and I got crowdsurfed and I felt nothing. That's honestly... I saw drops of Jupiter. I saw them. I saw them.

Oh my god. Can you imagine being so lame of a band that someone's on mushrooms being held in the air listening to your music and they just don't feel anything?

They're up there, they're up there. My best friend eats fried chicken. And you're like, what is this supposed to do for anyone? Is that from Meet Virginia, Uncle Santa? Uh, yes. I don't... Here's the thing about whatever song that's from. It doesn't make any fucking sense what song, where it is in the song. Why is it a part of a song? True. Very true. My best friend's always looking out for me.

I think I told you guys this before, not you Uncle Santa.

I haven't heard of this.

I just had that memory when you said getting hit by a train. I was running to catch the train at Addison Red line stop and the doors were closing and I thought, I know what I'll do. And I took my wallet out of my purse as I'm running up the stairs. And I put my wallet to stop the doors. And it drops. Obviously. I basically... What do you mean, obviously?

It's not obvious.

Because that's so, like it's such a, of course I dropped it. I'm like sprinting up the stairs, like go like, my wallet will stop the door, it drops, and then I, the doors luckily open back up. And the people on the train were like, did you just throw up? My wallet was about to take off to go to Belmont without me. I can't, it's like true, to this day the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I'm on Riddle podcast with Uncle Santa and Hattle.

I don't know that I've ever heard a story of a woman who robs herself. That's exactly what it was. I'd like to report a robbery. It was me.

I stole my own wallet.

Just wait a few weeks. That'll end up as a riddle on our riddle podcast.

Exactly. It ended up at North and Clyburn.

I do want to see a scene, Uncle Santa, this might be a little painful, but I hope you're strapped in and I hope you're ready to roll. I'd like to see a scene, Erin, based on you kind of shooting yourself in the foot, I want to see a scene, Uncle Santa, you are Uncle Santa, Erin, you are Vixen, and I just, I guess I just kind of want to see the breakup scene.

Hey, you can't keep calling.

Can we just talk?

No, I have a guest over. I can't talk to you right now.

Um... I really miss you.

Hey Fixin', did you read that material about saving the environment? Baby, give me one second.

Is that Giovanni?

Don't.

Is that Paul Giovanni?

And I told you, I don't want any fuckin' Merlot!

Honestly, Santa, that's not really any of your business anymore.

What I do... No, you're right, you're right. It's not. I mean, it's... I'm not entitled to that information and you shouldn't have to give it.

Exactly. So I'm gonna block your number now, okay Santa?

Does he fuck you like I used to fuck you?

Oh my god, Santa. Santa.

That's a no. I got all the information I wanted. That's a no.

No, he's way better. Paul Giamatti, are you kidding?

Giamatti fucks you better than Santa.

Have you met a reindeer or a woman before? Of course he does.

Tell him I fuck you a billions times better. What did he say?

He didn't say anything.

Put him on the phone. Tell him I fuck you sideways.

Tell him I fuck you illusionist.

Tell him I fuck you, John Adams. This guy's got nothing. Cinderella Man. I'll show you Cinderella Man. Where are you? I'm coming. I'm coming home. I'm coming to the North Fork.

No, don't come back. It's over. Do you understand me, Santa?

I'm gonna beat, I'm gonna beat Giamatti's ass.

No, you won't. You're gonna drink a bottle of red wine on my front porch and cry all night. Like a sad raccoon.

I won't cry. Santa don't cry, Santa don't.

You're crying right now. Santa, I'm hanging up now.

Please don't say you love me.

Have a- no. Don't say I love you. Lie to me. I don't love you.

Just lie to me. I don't love you.

Keep it going for the Christmas season. Well, it looks like the Amazing Spider-Man 2 is on the other foot.

Come on. Erin, are you mad at me?

No. You're crushing it. You're crushing it.

How was that? Was that okay? Uncle Santa, that was the best thing you've done yet. You really tapped into the emotion and the stakes and you had a sense of character and you had a point of view. It was really fantastic, truly. Can I tell you what I was doing?

What?

Yeah. I was channeling Tim Allen.

Oh, I see.

I love his politics.

Say what we want about the guy's politics. He's one of our finest actors. Here's your next riddle. Okay. Yeah, so the last one was wind and not train, just so everyone's clear. Proud and flashy, they go out to hit the town every night. The Bee Gees.

I'm sorry. The Bee Gees? You said proud and flashy, they go out every night. The Bee Gees.

It stalks. You ever heard the Bee Gees play at .5 speeds?

We're all having fun, so let's see a scene. We're going to see a little scene.

Here's a question.

How is Uncle Santa not the worst part about this episode? What?

How? Uncle Santa.

I know, I know.

Jacuzzi. Sorry, I'm saying, do you want to use the Jacuzzi? Oh, I'd love to.

All right, all right. All right, we have to move on.

Uncle Santa, we've created a new running bit, which is going to be 0.5 BGs.

It's 0.5 BGs. It's fun for the whole family.

Uncle Santa's 0.5 BGs. It's fun.

I love it. I love it. It's 0.5 BGs. JPC would hate it.

I wish JPC would never come back and Uncle Santa would stay here forever.

And he could do a three episode arc.

Yay!

Adal, a big sigh from you. Yay.

Oh Adal, the thing you created is no longer fun for you? Well, well, well.

This is an Adal original. This holy woman barely has a single tooth left. When she calls to her people loudly, they already know what to do. Mother Toothritha. Isn't he lovely? Isn't he special?

Adal, yes. 100% that's the funniest thing you've got on this show and I will stand by that.

Mother Ruth Risa.

Adal, congratulations. I'm not mad at you. I literally am incapable of ever being mad at you ever again. You just won me over.

Adal.

I fell in love with you all over again, just then.

I've already won you over with mother to three.

Usually for Christmas, Christmas day, I do reserve this for I take the very most special child and I give them the medal that Chewbacca didn't get in the original Star Wars. Oh yeah, he should have gotten a medal. He should have got the medal. And now that we're here, it's early. It's early for me to be calling my shot. But Adal, here you are. Here is Chewbacca's medal from the original Star Wars. You are my most perfect child.

Oh, thank God. Are they going to say weakest link?

Goodbye. No, but it is not mother to three. So that is an excellent guess. Thank you. Can we hear the riddle against Uncle Santa? This holy woman barely has a single tooth left. When she calls to her people loudly, they already know what to do.

Is it like a holy comb or something? Interesting. In what is a holy comb?

I was thinking a comb.

Yeah, it's like the comb that John the Baptist brushed his hair with or whatever.

Oh yes. I think you're making up. Oh, I get it. No, it's not a holy comb. Okay. But I mean, I guess, no, I want to tell you that you're on the right track, but I just don't have enough information to say that yet.

Uncle Santa, is this an actual human or is this like an object?

Ah, it is an object. It is not an actual holy woman.

So what else has teeth? Combs have teeth. Fucked up potatoes have teeth. Can we hear the full thing again? One tooth? It barely has a single tooth left.

Barely. So there are some, or at least one. At least one. At least one. At least one. Some have these, have more, but some have less. What is a good standard?

A knife.

Oh, a knife. Can Erin please explain?

No. Oh, okay. I could do .5 BGs, but I can't explain.

When she calls to her people loudly, I feel like that's what she calls. It's not a phone. A tooth? A bell? Oh, is it like a record player? It's a church bell, Erin. Give me that bell back, you little freak. You don't deserve it. Erin, here you are. You're the most special child.

Thank you. Can't do it. Can't do the sound.

Oh, no, you did it in case you put it in. Uncle Santa, I do want to see a scene. Oh.

Night fever, night fever.

This is my new favorite game. .5 BGs. Uncle Santa, I do want to see a scene. Yes? Based off Bell, I know last time I saw you was maybe two years ago?

Could've been.

And you showed up because you were... This is Christmas Eve and you were shitting your brains out because you ate a bunch of Taco Bell. So I do want to see a scene. Oh, Taco Bell. Santa, you are Uncle Santa. Erin, you are the drive-through employee at a Taco Bell. And Uncle Santa, this is you trying to return some Taco Bell.

Hi, welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?

Hey, I was just here. Oh God. I was just here and I'm the one who couldn't, um, couldn't decide.

Kyle, Kyle, he's back. I need your help.

Oh yeah, good. Just get Kyle.

Just turn it all off. We're shutting down.

We're gonna need manager approval for this, so get Kyle for sure.

Um, sir, sir, um, you can't return food here.

Um, it's our policy. I was about to ask what the return policy is.

Yeah, you're here.

Legally you have to have a return policy. You can't not have one. I can call the NLRB right now and we can talk about it. Look, I bought too much. I knew I was gonna. We all knew I was gonna. But I wanted to smell what a case of Riddle was like. And now that I know, I do need to return some items.

Vixen got the fridge. I only eat what I keep in my sleigh, and there's no doors, and there's no roof.

So it has to go back. What you shouldn't have done, would you admit that you did?

I know, we should not have done that. And then, a couple hours later, I want you to smoke a ball in our parking lot, and a couple hours later... Oh, but narc.

That's narc shit.

You're driving. Back through and you're doing it all over again. And we do this until we close at 2am and then it's back at it at 8am.

Technically I'm not driving, the reindeers are driving so I can't get busted because I'm not piloting, I'm just sitting. I'm a passenger of this so I'm allowed to smoke a ball.

Sir, you cannot just order how much you are hungry for in that moment.

Let me ask you this. Can I get partial credit, partial refund if I took the Crunchwrap Supreme apart? Because here's the thing. I'm trying to figure out how to make them at home. But to do that, I gotta take it apart every time. But here's the thing. I can't put it back together to save my life. So can I get half credit? Can I get a dollar back? Can I get a dollar back?

No, and I will only sell you one thing at a time from now on, and you also can't make them at home, Santa. It doesn't- even if you made something that looked like it and smelled like it, you can't... cannot... get our taste.

I- I- trust me, I know. I've tried. I've tried. And I gotta break back into my house every time I wanna go home. And Vixen comes home and I'm over the stove cooking a Crunchwrap Supreme, and I get an earful. An earful!

Sir, would you like a free order of nachos if you leave us alone for the rest of the night?

Sir, are you talking to me?

Yes.

I've never heard someone call me that before.

I called you that several times in this conversation, sir.

Oh, bless your heart, dear. Here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to just pull forward, I'm going to shove everything I bought back through that tiny little window, and you give me whatever you consider to be fair, and that's the trade. Okay, sounds like a plan and shuts the whole building down and... If the Mountain Dew is too wet, is that... Can I get a re... Can I just get a new dew?

Everybody just stay down, be quiet.

Erin, are you mad at me?

No, not at all.

Of course not.

See ya. That was Kyle asking.

Oh man.

Uncle Santa, that was great.

And Erin, can I just say that you're... More than a woman!

More than a woman to me. Wanna know something I did yesterday? What? And it's making me giggle all day. So I went to an improv show last night and I had to pee so bad before the improv show. And I actually ran into a listener of our show. I think their name was Vivian and they were there with some, I don't know, Sam and Vivian I think were their names.

Wow, this is last night. Your brain's truly a steel trap, Erin.

Hold on, hold on, Sam and Vivian both on the nice list.

Oh, nice. Um, uh, Elizabeth and I ran into them and then I was in the back of the line and I was like, I have to pee too bad. I gotta run to McDonald's. I can't wait in this line. And so I ran to McDonald's to pee and I said, hey, uh, cause it said customers only. And I said, Hey, I have to pee so bad. Um, I'm actually, my friend is in the drive-through line right now, but do you mind if I pee? And she's like, Oh yeah, you're in the drive-through. Yeah, you can pee. And so I went and I peed and then this woman looked at me. P. Walk outside and then walk down the street. And she, the look that she gave me when she realized I was lying, because I just was meeting up with my friend and then walking away, was like, she wasn't mad. She was just like, I looked like I was maybe the straw that broke the camel's back for her. I think she like right before I walked in was like, as long as no one else lies to me today, I can get through the rest of my shift. And it was me. I ruined everything.

Well, Erin, if I can tie that into something I know about my uncle, I do know. He sees you when you're peeing. He knows when you're awake.

No, man, come on. You told me that once. No, I told you that once. I see you when you pee. Shut the door. You live with other people. Close the door when you pee.

You're not that quick. Hold on, Erin.

He's not that quick.

I am a quick pisser. Please, tell everyone I'm a quick pisser. I don't even know what that means.

Did he unload at all like a shotgun blast?

Santa, anything to plug?

Hold on, hold on. We're not there yet, Erin, my dear.

Really? I don't know. It's been six hours of this.

You went and got groceries. We lost a couple minutes. One more riddle.

One more riddle. Okay, Santa, one more riddle. But it better be the best one yet.

I can't promise anything, but it is Ryan's last riddle. Okay. It landed like lightning. The young stayed young, and the old, the complained forevermore. Their faces became eternal. That's a beautiful poem, but we need a riddle, Santa. It landed like lightning. The young stayed young, and the old, they complained forevermore. Their faces became eternal.

I don't know fucking popcorn. What's, what, how? What do you mean popcorn? The lightning is like heat or electricity. The colonels state colonels but like colonels state colonels because there's always some colonels left after you make popcorn but then the other colonels turn into popcorn which is like I guess they're aged. Okay I do like that. When popcorn pops it's like aged right? That's like they're that's like them having puberty right? Pop popcorn is puberty. Am I crazy?

Adal, this is bad.

I wouldn't tell anyone else this. But the only thing that I'll say is that it landed like lightning. I think popcorn, it pops gradually. This is something a little quicker. It landed like lightning.

Okay, it landed like lightning. So this is something that strikes fast. Is this like a snake bite? Ooh, it's not a snake bite, but that's very good guess, Adal. But it's that close. It's just a good guess. Is it like a bullet or something? I'm trying to think of face super fast.

But super fast, you're on the right kind of track with like a thing that happens very quickly.

Oh, is this like fucking LASIK?

The young stayed young, the old, they complained forever more, their faces became eternal. Statues, this is statues. Lightning statues. It's not statues, no, no. Gargoyles. These are people. We're actually talking about people here.

A photograph?

It is a photograph! Wow, Erin, the great one. Wow, Erin Keif, the great one. Uncle Santa, speaking of, can we get a quick photo with you before you leave? Yeah. No. Oh. Please? A lot of my friends don't believe that you're my uncle.

I'd rather not take a photo and I'd rather not tell you why.

Okay. Well, Erin was right. We do plugs at the end of this. Did you want to? I'm a vampire. Oh, knew it. That makes so much sense. That's why you're a mortal.

I'm out at Christmas. I give all the presents. Oh yeah, the immortal.

You give out presents just like a vampire?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Your thing. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Uncle Santa, do you have anything to plug besides Christmas?

Well let's see, it's April now and Christmas is right around the corner so I would just want to plug to all of the boys and girls and non-binary folks out there to always stay nice and avoid being naughty or Santa will come blast you with his shotty. No, hold on. Santa's not gonna kill any kids.

What's your name on Twitch, Santa?

Erin, anything that you have to plug?

I would love you to just finish what you were doing, Santa. I got another plug.

I was all good. I was all good. Maybe I'll try another rhyme in a second. Adal, anything to plug? Well, I think Erin was going to plug something.

I just want to plug pivoting and having a good attitude when you had a bad attitude to start. I'm really sorry I had a bad attitude to start. I came around. I wish I had had a good attitude the whole time. So you should maybe just have a good attitude to start. Check out sitcom D&D. Follow me on Instagram, Erin Keif 10. Adal, I'm not mad at you ever. Never would be after you said mother to Theresa. Unbelievable. What's your victory lap? Go ahead.

I want to plug, I was recently on a guest on one of my favorite shows to guest on. I've guessed it on this podcast I think four times. It's called the Restricted Section, so please check out the Restricted Section podcast. Not just my episode, but all the episodes. It's a wonderful, wonderful time. There are fantastic people there. So please check that out. I also want to plug a movie that I forgot about that I love, Kubo and the Two Strings. I definitely check that out. If you're looking for something to watch, watch Kubo and the Two Strings. It's so fantastic. And then the last thing I'll plug is, actually Uncle Santa's something that I would like for Christmas this year, which is for people to support me the way I support them. Oh, good luck with that. You know, like if I started an episode and I... Jupiter!

This has been a Hey Riddle Riddle created by Adal Rifai. Sorry, Erin Keif. And Uncle Santa. This is my favorite episode we've ever done. I have no notes.

Hey there hamsters and sticks. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. Hey Riddle Riddle goes back to the classroom with another one of our classic mono scenes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew and our free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.