Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey everyone, welcome back. It's time for Gremlins the podcast. I'm one of your Gremlins. Little booger.

I'm another one of the Gremlins. Mogwog.

Hey Jessica, no one can understand you. What was it?

We've been doing this podcast for 150 episodes and you don't know my name?

That's right, we do one episode every year for the last 150 years. As is our curse. Jessica, do you want to start us off? Hey, sir. I had it at the gazere, and damn it's a banana.

I can't fucking do this.

I'm there!

I quit. I can't do this. The other day, someone tweeted at us and they said, new listener, where should I start your podcast? And I really wish I had said, episode 189. This is where you go for impenetrable access to our podcast.

Stomp, stomp, stomp, spray, spray, spray. Ew, what a gross thing that was in my seat. Hello, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC. I don't know. Jessica. Jessica, out.

Out. And I'm Erin, sorry. Jessica, I'll see you later for drinks. Martini's on me. That's Jessica.

The one non-Gremlin of the bunch.

Yeah.

Welcome everyone to Hey Riddle Riddle. We're your three hosts. And we, as per the title of the show, we try and solve riddles and lateral thinking problems and puzzles. And along the way, we descend into madness. We're just three little monkeys in a coma. And today there's no need to stall. There's no need to wait for an intro because- What did we just do? What? I just don't love- We did nothing. I sat down and there was a gremlin in my seat and I killed it. What are you talking about?

Oh, right. You're right. You're right.

I don't love doing something like that if there's no need for me to do it. Okay, well, we'll double your pay this week. Is that what you want?

I guess it could help, but... Please, Introducer, I can't wait to talk to her, please!

We have our favorite guest. We have a very special guest. We have who I think from this episode on will no longer be referred to as a guest, but simply our fourth host who can join us for this recording. So please welcome our fourth host who I guess now legally gets one fourth of our income. So I guess I fucked this. I'm sorry. I didn't talk to us about that beforehand. I am so glad you're not in charge of the money.

This is so nice to know.

At least it's not me though. At least not Adal, but then at least it's not me.

Count your blessings. Adal meets a new friend outside and he's like, look we got a new senior vice president.

A Magic Tavern fan from South Africa DM'ed me yesterday.

And Janet, we are so close to introducing you.

A Magic Tavern fan from South Africa DM'ed me yesterday and was like, I really love the show. Hope everything is well. And they said, I'm really excited for the Patreon. Hope it's continuing to grow and everything. And they go, I can't do the Patreon because things are economically rough in South Africa. I don't know what came over me, but I replied and I go, thank you so much for the kind message. If you have a Venmo handle, let me know and I'll Venmo you $10 so you can use our Patreon for two months. And then I sent it and I'm like, Adal buddy, you gotta be better with money.

No, I like that way to live. I think everyone should start living like that.

I am a wrecking ball with money. Speaking of cash money, the fourth host who's all just absolute, absolute interest in bankability.

Are you happy, Adal? She fell asleep for two weeks so long to introduce her.

Okay, and don't forget Janet.

I think this is actually just, I think this is Janet's gremlin. I think she's introducing a new gremlin.

Somebody feed me after midnight at Janet Varney! Oh no, she combined herself with a gremlin!

It's Janet Moore for self, Janet Varney!

Oh gosh. Yay! I would love to go back and be re-inspired. Maybe just, and I know this will set off the pacing for me and the rest of the recording, but if I could just be dropped in two minutes earlier than I actually was introduced. I just feel like there was a moment there. It felt so good. And then you went into some sort of weird international intrigue story about apps.

It was like one of those Nigerian Prince scams from like 15 years ago, except like on the lowest, just the lowest level.

You are the prime target Adal. If someone's like, I'm kind of going through here's $20, please let me give you $20. Let me explain to you how to download the app that will allow me to give you $20.

Good point, Janet. Let me create some fake email accounts because you're a head-fishing Adal.

Janet, since you're now officially our lost cousin fourth host, there's no need for us to talk to you about your relationship with the Riddles and Puzzies because we've had you on twice before. I mean, you would say three or four times before, but legally it's been two times. So there was something I wanted to ask that I don't think we've asked you before. We have talked before that you're a big room head or Roomba, which is what we call escape the room fans.

Not anymore. I actually consulted the world and they said, we're done with that.

No, that makes sense. Hey, just real quick. I'm feeling real beat up on the first five minutes here. Let's all ease off Adal.

Okay.

Adal had a long day.

All right, but Adal, just really quick. There's something on your shirt.

The best way for Adal not to get shit is if he does not refer to himself as a third person.

That is not going to help Adal in any way, shape, or form. I don't know if we've talked about this. When you're in an escape room, and I know you've done a ton, and you've even had a TV series with escape rooms, what is your personality? Do you take charge or are you working on your own?

And then that Janet is replaced quickly in the Rolodex. The one that flips right after that is the like, I'm just gonna hang back here and make jokes. You guys don't need me to be the asshole who's like telling everyone what to do. And that's also not a helpful setting for an escape room. But there are like five or six, I think, that come out. Are you guys not like that?

We call that the chameleon.

I'm the chameleon. Everybody, I'm the chameleon.

Don't get me wet.

Your personality's in flux.

Now I do kind of want to see that web series where Janet just shows up after yelling everybody with glasses and a new jacket on and is like, who is that asshole? Anyway, who wants $5 iTunes gift cards? Escape that guy.

Adal, what would you say you are? I think I am like, since I've done a ton, I've done close to 100, but I'm not, here's the thing is I think people always assume I'm very good at them because I've done a ton. I don't think I'm exceptionally good. I think I've just done a lot and I enjoy them. So I'm always like willing to spearhead and be like, hey, let's communicate. I found this and try and lead by example. I think I'm like, I'm going to put all the things I find on this table and try and not like boss anyone around, but be like, here's the example I'm setting. It's up to you to follow it. Um, or not. And then I think I, I tend to like just support people of like, how can I, how can I help you with this puzzle? Do you need anything? Does this work with anything else?

So passive aggressive.

Passive aggressive. You know, I've done escape rooms with Adal. Are we sure about those pants, Tim? Are we sure we're wearing those pants today?

Anybody need help with any advice at all? Some people have bad relationships here and this is having a good time.

Yeah, I think what I like about Adal in escape rooms is that he doesn't do the thing where he's done 300,000 of them, so he's like, I know what this is. But he does do the thing where he's like, I know how to play in these rooms enough to know what guy not to be. Because again, the guy who's going to give a stranger on the internet $10 because they're like, hey man, sorry, I don't have enough money for your Patreon. It's the same guy who's not going to step on a bunch of toes. But he does make a very relaxed atmosphere that brings pretty much exactly what the group needs. Because I've done escape rooms with Adal in a variety of groups, and I feel like he plays that same role every time. It's very helpful. It's a good energy to have in an escape room.

Quick Adal, JPC's supporting you, he's being nice. Now's the time to focus all the negative energy on him. Alright you dumb shit, fuck you dude.

Uh oh, you said it out loud.

Now see if the others follow suit.

Hope, hope, hope. My energy in Escape Room is the same energy that I bring to this podcast, which is that I do not give a shit about getting the right answer. Because the only, the only, the only answer is that everyone has a good time or at least everyone's miserable together. So I, one of those, one of those two extremes is what I'm doing. You're right. You're right. Oh, oh yeah. Please, please.

No, I just realized, I think I, I just realized I think I say things twice, uh, in the heat of the moment. I think I, I think I do that. Like, it's unclear! It's unclear! I've done a few rooms with JPC and he's definitely like, any room's escapeable if you put your shoulder into a door.

And we're like, no, no, no. Erin, your vibe, I think I've only done two rooms with you. Your vibe is very concerned and like, because what we did was spooky. And so you were like, I don't, I can't deal with this. I can't look at this. Don't make me work on this puzzle.

Yeah. I don't want a spooky room. That's what I thought escape rooms were going to be. And then found out they weren't used to believe, but they still can be. Erin, please go ahead.

Any horror escape room I don't want to be invited to. But I think I do two things. One is telling everyone we should definitely not go out to dinner if we don't escape the room. Like making sure people know it should be the end of the night if we don't get out. But I am willing to go to dinner if we do get out. Just a quick reminder, I will be heading home if we don't get out. And then the other thing is, like, you know when your parent is doing work and they're busy and you just want their attention so bad? It's like the only time I see my friends actually focus on like that, simply won't do. Adal, look at this. Adal, isn't this a funny bit? Adal, look at me. And he's just like, that's so nice, Erin.

I'm like, look at me spin. We did an escape room maybe in like Kalamazoo or something. It was like a submarine themed one and I think Erin three or four times was like there's like maybe a bunk bed and she's like Adal Adal look I'm on the bunk bed I'm like oh it's very good very good

We've discussed maybe or I've heard you say that that is a little bit how you deal with scary stuff like oh that's right I was listening to an episode where you went to a haunted house or something and you do the same thing I do which is like have try to have a real conversation with a person who's trying to scare you I absolutely do that like a scary clown with weird teeth I'm like sir you need medical attention it's the only way to like push past the fear.

Chainsaw huh?

Going to the forest? So if you and I were in a scary escape route together we would be like I would be like three doll heads three doll heads!

You're very scary. You're very scary.

I think the title of this episode has to be Janet Varney, Janet Varney.

Yeah, of course. Naturally.

Naturally.

There was one escape room that we did as a group. Adal, I think I may have been with you, but I have no idea where it was. But someone said to our group, they were like, who in this group doesn't mind being scared or having an interaction with a person inside the escape room? And it was me. And I got strapped to a chair and a bag over my head and everyone else was in a jail cell. And the escape room began with like the killer who he was like right in my face scoring.

And then he left that room. We did that in LA with Luke Knoll.

Yeah, that's right. And then I remember that room because I was like, oh, I don't mind someone, you know, being in my face. And then after that part happened, I was like, I did mind that. I guess I did. I guess I learned. I guess I learned that I, I mean, it was fine, but Would I do that again? No, I don't think I would care for that. I guess I learned my limits today. I guess being kidnapped by the scary killer man? Not for me.

Janet, will you remind me and all of our listeners what the name of your escape room show was?

You know what? I'll do you one better. If you had to guess anything, what would you guess?

Oh, thank God.

Get me out of here.

Scrambling Janet?

Both too sophisticated.

Uh, Janet. Did you hear me say scrambling Janet?

In too long. Think shorter, think less words. Room.

The room.

Think more literal even than that. Escape.

Escape.

That's correct. Yes! That's a great name. That's correct. Escape exclamation point with Janet Varney.

Okay, gotcha. Very nice. Escape is also what I call Superman behind his back.

Escape.

Sorry, Janet. I liked it.

I liked it. Thank you, Erin. Adal, on your field.

You got your back.

Janet is thinking about shitting on someone.

Well, speaking of shooting on someone, we have to scan our way over to doing some actual riddles.

Oh, I thought you were throwing to ads and I was like, Adal, no, no. That's the wrong energy for this.

Well, we have that new sponsor. It's a reverse bidet. Yeah, we have Squatty Potty on the podcast.

This is good.

I wish. Oh, I wish. I don't want to, yet I need a moment to imagine what a reverse bidet actually is. But I don't want it, but I need to.

A Tadeb? I thought we'd do something because last time we had Janet on, I remember, still to this day, I guess because it was just a few months ago, I remember crying laughing at the word avalanches we did. So I thought we'd go back to that sweet sweet trough of word avalanches and do some more of those. So we're going to start off with some of those, and we'll see. We might just do all we're avalanches. We'll see where the night takes us.

Adal, will you remind- No, just some thought you were getting something different this time, right? I was doing more of the same.

Okay. Would not have been back that bit. By the way, after that recording, my brain felt fully melted and we had, I think, two more recordings to do that.

I'm so sorry for all of you because all I did after that was make everything in real life. Like, I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

I think even after we, once the recording was done, I think we stayed on the sort of Zoom call for like another 10 minutes just making ones up. And then I think eventually JVC was like, I can't handle this.

Adal, will you remind our listeners who don't have the excellent two months worth of memory that you have, what a word avalanche is.

So word avalanche, you receive some sort of clue that leads you to an answer where all the words in the answer sound very similar. So for an example, I can't remember the exact setup for it, but it was something of like, what if a dog was trying to schedule a time to draw you and it was like labradoodle doodle doodle or something like that, right? Sure.

That's a word avalanche.

Shout out to E.B. White who sent these in. Love Charlotte's Web.

So E.B. says hello. I was literally drafting this email when I heard the recent episode with the word avalanches. Here are some more that I like.

Don't have Janet back. Oh, I shouldn't have read the rest of the email.

No, I think all the feedback we got was please have Janet on more often. So that worked out. Okay, here's our first one. I think this is, I tried to start with some of the easier ones. So here we go. First one is, these will be more like warm up avalanches. Okay. Here we go. First one, good drugs, idiot.

Dope, dope, dope, dope. We are hot.

Okay. I'm going to call my shot right now. That's the only one of these I get.

I want to see a scene. So you, the three of you are three of the eight dwarves in snow lights. You can pick which two you are, but Janet and Erin, you can pick which ones you are. JPC, you are druggy. Druggy, okay.

Oh, tissue?

Thank you.

Do you need a tissue? I don't need a back. You keep it or toss it. Anyone else needs a tissue, just let me know. I have a full box.

I'm gonna need that whole box, thank you.

Absolutely, that's all yours. I have a Costco membership, so not a problem.

Where did I miss?

Okay, let's do a new rule. Let's all cover our mouths if we're gonna sneeze.

Oh, that wasn't a sneeze. I just had something I hate to disagree with me when it came out my windpipe.

Okay. What time did you get in last night?

What time did I get in last night? Yeah. Probably two, three. Same as everybody else, right?

No. I've been here for the last seven years. No white mist allergies. Yeah, she was asking about you.

Well, I mean, I've been here. I got here at two or three, started cleaning, started kind of rearranging the furniture. I love what I've done with it. Or do I hate it? I don't know.

But I'm happy with it. You've stapled the entirety of our furniture to the ceiling. We can't sit at anything. I can't flush anything down the toilet.

I'm sleeping on the ground.

I never saw Jim Miracoy. Sleep. Okay, so if he can do it.

Draggy, what's that on your nose?

Oh, I got a tattoo.

Of white powder?

Yes, I couldn't handle people asking me that question of, I think you have jokes on your nose, so I just went ahead and got, I got a cocaine tattoo. It's like how people get their eyebrows permanently colored so they don't have to do makeup every day.

Microplaning?

Raccoon is my hat.

It's me Snow White. Davy Crockett.

No, that's my brother. I'm Snow White.

Wait, Davey's your brother?

Yes. Yikes. My name is Snow Crockett White.

Okay. We were just talking to Draggy. Draggy, we're all proud of who we are. I love being the sleepy one. Sneasy refuses to take vitamin C. I love when people ask me what's on my nose.

I have, would you like some vitamin C? I have some vitamin C. It's loose in this bag.

I can't blow my nose with that box of powder.

Don't worry about that. You're right. I have some vitamin C. Let me just put this on.

Don't play it. Don't play it.

Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody can hear. And if you remember, use sunscreen.

Draggy, I guess my point is why be named Draggy if you just keep denying your Draggy.

Ode it. Ode it. Ode it. No, no, I'm... I'm not denying my drug use. I use drugs. It's just I got the tattoo, so it's a conversation that I don't have to have. People can just assume that I'm always doing drugs. And by the way, I feel like I'm a pretty high functioning drug user. For instance, I'm the only one of us that has a job. I have a job. Do you?

I'm a beautiful compromise. Thanks a lot.

Okay. Okay, fair enough. But I mean like... Look, you can dwarf from home. You know?

Duck has a job.

Oh, I'm sorry. Duck have a job.

Malpractice suit. Malpractice. Yeah, what is Snow White's job?

What is the doc a doc of? Yeah.

It's probably something like history or something.

I think there was a time in history when like if you were riding the Oregon Trail and you were old your name was Doc or like if you made food your name was Cookie like I think I think there's a time where those nicknames were just again but you see here's the thing

You just said that someone who cooks is called Cookie. You said someone who's on a trail is called Doc. I'm not sure about all of that action. Well, Doc has all those tonics.

All those tonics, yes. Oh, snake oil. Got it. He's a walking apothecary, but apoc is a dumb nickname. Doc is a fun one.

Wait a minute. You just sounded like you did a word avalanche.

Ooh.

Apothecary Doc. He's a walking apothecary Doc. Very.

On a dramatary. Apothecary. Here we go, next one. I measure people for custom fitted prosthetics made of frozen water. Okay, frozen water, I gotta say. Ice cream, right?

Well, first of all, I am so sorry for you that what you had as a child and told was ice cream was frozen water. That sucks.

What? I can make ice cream in two hours with just the ingredients in my house.

John, why don't you go into the freezer and get the frozen ice cream tray and fill it up.

I hate parties at your house.

Bob, Dad, are we poor? No. We're rich because we don't spend money in a wasteful way.

What's the prosthetics? I measure people for custom fitted prosthetics made of frozen water. I see. I measure people. Ice is correct. So ice is definitely, ice is the middle word. Well there's four words. Ice is the, so not the middle, it is the third word. Okay. is it I see is no I measure measuring it does start with I I seem no so I and ice are correct first word is I third word is ice so think about custom fitted and then what's second and fourth You fools, it took 200 episodes for a guest to simply say, what are the answers?

I see... Custom fitted.

Yeah, think about custom fitted. So if you get something custom fitted, you go in to have them blanket. Be spoken.

Oh, um, to have them size all size. I size with my little eyes.

That's what an immature tailor says. I size with my little thighs. Please leave me alone. I size eyes.

Are they fake eyes? I size eyes eyes? I size eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes

The answer is eyesize, ice eyes.

And then what were we saying in German?

I think we want to see a scene. So I think, Janet, you are going to be an optometrist. Erin, you are going in, you are a snow person, snow woman, and you are going in to be sized for some new eyeballs.

Thanks for being so PC.

So my eyes are cold, but I just like, I feel like I'm also near sighted with like a little bit of farsightedness. Okay. Okay. Well, first of all- Oh, sorry to interrupt.

Did someone say farsightedness? It's me, Gary Larson.

Hey, Gary. Gosh, you live close by.

I live in the vent. Does anybody want a quick doodle or do you want to buy one of my prints?

You know, I think we're good if you just wanted to, you know, you could draft something up and show it to me later to count wearing old-fashioned glasses. That would be great. That's my specialty. Anyway, I'm so sorry. What was your name?

Oh, Snow, Snow Lady.

They didn't name me.

Snow, Snow Lady. Yeah, they were like, excited for the first couple days. They were like, my snowman can talk. And they took me to school and everything, but then they got bored. And now I'm just sort of wandering the world.

Well, first of all, congrats for not melting. I don't know how you made it through a day at school without melting, so that's special and magical. Thank you. And again, I just want to follow up on the whole, my eyes are coal thing.

Can you not see? And you know what? It's weird. So I got struck by lightning, and you would think that would melt me right away, but it made me like, I was like, whoa! And I came into consciousness, and I can see, but I also know my nose is a carrot, so it smells like a carrot. I'm not a doctor. I don't want to presume to know what's going on.

Well, I don't know. I'm not an ENT. I only work with eyes. Dream job! And so I will be able to... I guess I'll be able to fit you for some... Ooh, where do I start? I mean, I don't know if glasses are gonna do the trick. You have coal for eyes. Would you prefer diamonds? I could see if I could crush them down into something gleaming. Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Okay, great. Let me get out my crusher. Gary!

Yes, did you want to buy some sort of chicken crossing the road and there's a bear holding up a sign that says push?

I'm good, I'm good. I don't need a giant mosquito talking about how it's a living. I would love if you could just, do you have our cold question?

Well, it sucks to find out this way. I guess four years of marriage, mosquito takes off a wedding ring, throws it on the ground, is out the door.

I can't believe you've gotten into animation.

That was a wonderful cartoon.

Thank you, thank you.

Gary, I'm a big fan, by the way. I like the one where the bear's leaving the circus. That's funny.

I can't believe you have been struck by lightning brought into life and somehow are all familiar with his entire catalog. Gary, please don't bother people by constantly showing them your books. It's just, you know, your time has passed. That's why you live an event at an optometrist's.

I mean, my day-by-day calendars are still selling, but I guess I'm not as relevant.

Because you're buying them.

Well, yes, because I need to decorate my apartment or something.

Am I interrupting? I'm so sorry. I'll head out.

It's one of those love-hate relationships.

He loves... Oh no, snowlady, snow, snowlady, snow. No, it's fine. I'll go melt somewhere, I guess. I don't know why I even have consciousness.

Actually, um, I'm not doing anything now. Could I buy you a cup of blood? Ah, Chanté. Sane.

That felt like a fever dream, Gary Larson.

100%. I like a cow with old timing glasses. Perfectly describes every Gary Larson aesthetic.

It's true. My dad definitely had all of those books and I for sure read them. Oh yeah. At some point started to feel like, oh, I get it.

Yeah, I think it's like old Simpsons episodes where you revisit it at a certain age and you get, or even like MSTK 3000, you first discovered it at like 10, you don't get 90% of it, you come back to it at 15, you understand 50%, so you slowly, you know, learn more and more.

I used like 150 post-it notes to mark all the ones I liked, and I made my dad go through them with me one by one. I was like, thank God you're home from your long day of work to take a seat.

So like every other one. What I also want is for you to have explained to him why you didn't pick the other ones that we're still talking about each one.

Oh, 100%. I was actually on the fence about this one, but I thought it was a little bit similar to the one that I thought the seat seat seat is.

And Erin, you guys left your family? Yeah. No, Erin's dad's like, okay, honey, but the escape room, there's an hour to do the room. So we eventually we do have to solve some puzzles.

And I go, nope, your attention will do just fine.

No, no, no.

This dog's standing on two legs with a cup of coffee.

Let's do one more before we take a break. Here we go. This one is a short to the point introduction to a piece of Microsoft software. This is almost a word, Avalanche. A short to the point introduction to a piece of Microsoft software.

A short introduction. Let's go with this software. We got Word, PowerPoint, Excel, Word. We got Word. A brief introduction is a word. A word, word, word, because off word.

Not far off.

A word toward word.

So, and this is kind of a hard one at the beginning here. So it is a word, but specifically it's short. So like if you're trying to explain something to someone, if you're trying to summarize and say you could get across the explanation of the software in under 10 words.

Elevator pitch. Okay, I'll give it to you.

A four word. So four hyphen word. Okay. So like, you use four words to explain it.

What? That's a thing?

Hold on, wait. I guess so.

Like, give me the four word version? I've never heard that.

That's not what four word means.

No.

A forward is like the beginning of a book. Yeah, someone's friend who writes a little thing about how great the book is about to be. Yeah. Well, that's part of this riddle. That's part of the answer.

I never trust that, by the way. If your friend is writing your foreword, I go, okay. That's your friend.

They're going to lie for you. I want to be from your enemy. I want to know.

Ringo stars bio with Ford by Paul McCartney.

No, thanks. Paul's being like, he's so sweet. Oh, what a cute little.

He's so good at drums.

Here's if you think of his writing, he is so sweet.

Here's how you start a forward. The only way, only acceptable way to start a forward for someone's book is, look, I never met this fucking guy. And then say whatever you're going to say. But you got to give me, the reader, a chance to know. Stay neutral.

Stay neutral. Yeah, stay neutral.

Okay, I want to play a very quick game. This'll last as long as it's fun. Thistle?

There was something last time about thistles. It haunts me to this day.

Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle Thistle

Okay.

Okay, the first book is my children's book. Okay. And that is called, um, Darby the Dog Who Can't Swim. Darby the Dog Who Can't Swim. Get your fucking kid!

Okay, my, uh, science book is Ostrich's. Who Knew?

Ostrich's who knew, okay. Experiment. I meant to... about, about... I got one for you. Last one.

Okay. Alright, this one is the Bible.

The Bible? Mm-hmm. Moses on down.

Bible.

Look, I never met this guy.

A short to the point introduction to a piece of Microsoft software. I think we have almost all the components. We just need to say them in order.

Forward, forward, forward.

A forward, forward, forward Thanks for watching! And then the software word.

But I still don't know what the third one is.

But why are there two four words? You said a four word got that one, even though that one's fake. So I've never heard that before in my life.

So a four word, compound word, four word, that is the short, the short of it. Short, four word. The next part of the riddle was to the point, which would be forward. The next part is an introduction, which would be a forward. A forward, no.

The to the point should have been replaced with handsy. He's very forward. We all have known what that meant.

A forward, forward, handsy. Real quick, have you ever been on a date with a Microsoft paperclip? Absolute creep.

I think we've called him a pervert multiple times on the show.

He spanked me when I was sitting down somehow. I don't know how he did.

And then he got bent out of shape. That's for you Adal. Thank you.

He excels at ruining an evening.

Oh nice. Anyone have any more?

Are we good?

He told me to bend over and spreadsheet. He power pointed to his penis.

Okay, I'd like to see a scene. It has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Don't worry. JPC, you are like a computer teacher right in the time where computers are being invented and Janet and Adal, you are in his computer class and you're just so confounded and confused by this whole thing. You think it's insane.

Mr. Hendricks?

Absolutely.

Um, the demons inside this box aren't letting me type, I don't think. What incantation do I need to do to make it work?

Sarah, I'm glad you brought that up because I can sense in you a lot of fear. Now remember, we control these demons. We put them in the box, okay? There's nothing to be feared because we have beat the demons.

But Hellraiser, sir! Hellraiser!

Okay. We don't want a pinhead, sir. I was visited by one in my sleep and it was terrible.

I know you all just came from media class, but this is computer class, okay? Mr. Hendricks?

Two questions. One, any relation? I'm sorry? Any relation? I noticed you were a left-handed guitar player. Oh, oh, to Jimmy.

I'm sorry, I thought you meant Christina.

I also thought that, sir. You thought Christina as well? Yeah, because I thought your name was spelled differently in my head.

Got it.

Look, I know we just came from media class and... It's weird that you're taking our media class, Mr. Cambridge. I'm very uncomfortable with you. This is a separate subject, but we've all discussed it and we think it's a little odd.

I'm auditing it, I'm auditing it because I was in that coma and I missed so much media. Oh, that's right. I was in the coma, I woke up knowing how to put the demons in this thing, but I've never watched Mad Men or Hellraiser or the Star Spangled Banner.

You went into a coma after you were at that Smith's concert and Morrisey threw his guitar at your head? Let's not say what years I was in the coma, because it's beginning to be untenable.

But Mr. Hendricks may- Well sir, I hope one day you'll be able to see the Star Spangled Banner. What were you going to say Gus?

Oh, I was going to say my second question is, is this some sort of electronic Ouija board?

Oh, Gus, that's a great question. And in many ways, Gus, it is an electronic Ouija board. Except in the Ouija board, the demons can come out, and they could do real world effects that could really hurt you kids. So be careful. But in this instance, the demons are trapped inside, they cannot come out, and they must do our bidding. And the only thing we've been able to figure out what our bidding is, is like, I guess a pretty astounding math.

My mom always said that my aunt Daphne is always battling her demons. So it must be similar to that. Daphne? Gus?

Your family sucks. I gotta say. Can I leave class please? To cry? You should cry in class. Everyone should feel comfortable crying in this class. Could I hide it in my desk, sir? Uh, I guess you could try. I mean, we're gonna see you under that desk.

Gus, go under the desk and see if you can look up from the bottom and see the demon's, like, butt from the inside. That'll feel like, we'll feel empowered and we won't feel as scared of the demon.

Oh, yeah, that's just like in your speech class, which we'll be going to in about five minutes, so I will go be, I'll be going to.

Oh, no butt, but there is a black tail with two little prongs, little deviled prongs on the end.

Good.

Now, imagine that tail naked.

Hail Satan. Hailey, he'll eat us all unless we bend to his will.

Hail Satan. Hail Satan.

Or her will. Hey, listen. Religion is two periods from now, okay? So don't start this Hail Satan nonsense yet. You're in my class and we're gonna go by my rules.

Also, guys, we have like two decades before we have to start worrying about whether he or her. I mean, right now it's just all the... Nobody say what year it is.

Nobody even take a reference as to what year it is. We cannot define it.

Mr. Hendricks? We know you are in a coma. Everything isn't a spoiler. Okay? We have to be able to still talk about stuff.

Yeah. And also, how do you know that you're not still in a coma? Come on, come on, come on.

No, kids, stop doing this. You do this every class.

You teleport 20 times in a row.

Row, row, row. No, it's traumatic. It's traumatic for me. I'm not falling for it.

Mr. Hendricks? Yes. Can you explain something that was on the quiz today? You asked us to tell you why Zatarans was Satan's rice? Yeah. Why is that around Satan's rice?

Why would I put it on the quiz if I knew? I asked you to tell me. I was in a coma. I'm sorry, Gus, were you in a coma?

Mr. Hendricks, are you- Are you auditing your own computer class?

Look, the teacher got sucked into the computer. He's a demon now, I don't know.

So, they're all going to be fever dreams. Did I bring this energy of fever dream to everything?

No, I don't think we've recorded in a while and we sort of forget what's going on.

I love it when Erin breaks this up because we recorded on Thursday. Not four days ago.

I didn't. I didn't. I guarantee you Adal remembers that because he can remember as far as two months back.

Brag. Well, speaking of brag, in four words, we do have ads. Yeah, that works.

That'll work.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Hi, Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself.

I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect Erin because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one like website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of like stand out online, whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand. It's where space is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo. So it's a lot of goo. So are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store. We can sell your products online, whether it's physical like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're gonna soldier on. We're gonna be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're gonna need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you have to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? And sometimes he gets stuck, well this time he might. Be stuck wherever.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that. Okay, because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life.

I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was 8 hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Hey here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, remember there's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you? Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GBC, we can do this!

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume is 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it.

We miss you boy, get better soon!

I miss you Adal!

And we are back. Wow! Four words. Oh wait, JPC, Erin, Janet, I don't know if I told you this, but during the ad break, I actually came up with a really fun short story that's only two words. So fuck you Hemingway, I actually came up with the saddest two-word story, and that is Animal Parade. Oh no. Janet, have you ever played Animal Parade?

A game we made up.

At Game We Made Up, I never played with you. Do you know how to play?

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

At Game We Made Up, the eye under the table sold to Chuck E. Cheese?

What? Right? Who ripped this off?

Somebody ripped it off. Yeah. Like a dozen people messaged us and they're like, Chuck E. Cheese just straight up ripped off your fucking game.

You know he's not a real guy though, right? We don't know.

Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Their biggest mistake was thinking that there was no overlap in our fan base. They thought no one knew it.

There's only overlap.

There's only overlap. It's surely only showbiz listeners.

Is his middle name really entertainment?

Oh yeah. His name is Charles Entertainment Cheese. That's true. So, I'm so sorry. So what we do with animal prey is we're going to lay down a fat, sick fucking beat, and then we're going to list animals doing something over the beat. We'll go, we'll do a few, maybe a round or two, and then Janet, please join in, if you feel comfortable. So let's lay down that thick beat. Right? Everyone?

Yeah, we can't do it in unison anymore.

We don't do that over Zoom because of how it doesn't actually work anymore. So it's just going to be Adal doing it, and then someone will pick it up when you drop out.

A rattlesnake with a nine to five.

A cow with a haircut.

A lemur with a moustache. A fancy fox with a heart of gold.

You know if you point on Zoom to the camera, we will all think it's our turn. You don't have a special camera that just goes to me.

We all pointed.

It was three people.

A giraffe who could point.

Wait, am I the giraffe? A lonely moose who's down to fuck. A seal with a lisp.

Perfect.

Perfect. Janet, that's how it always goes. It's always me pointing and everyone going who are you pointing at?

Does that game go towards filling the riddle quota? Because I'm appalled at how few we've done. And I know that, like, you guys joke about how you never do riddles, but we really have done almost none. Right?

Yeah. See, this is what we need. That's the reason why Janet has been made a very fourth host. I'm a task mistress. Because she is a task mistress. She keeps us on track.

I wish I was smarter and I got the riddles faster. Oh, God.

So we're going to forego the true animal parade segment, which is where I read a long article about animals and then we talk about it. And we're going to go back into some more word avalanches.

Do the intro, not the segment.

So the very first time we did animal parade, Erin and I thought the intro was the segment and we were sort of explaining the segment and we were gab smacked. So now it's just become, the whole segment is just the intro? Like we said it was 100 fucking episodes ago?

I'm sorry. You know what? If you're going to be an equal part host, you have to be here for some of our biggest fights.

Yeah, Janet, you don't just get to sit through our successes, you have to sit through our failures and stew in them.

I'm in. Better or worse, baby.

Okay, here we go. Now, it looks like the last couple here get a little bit scandalous from E.B. This one's a little tough, but I'm gonna read it. Goddamn! Quadruple sex hurts!

Uh, I gotta go.

Okay. Goddamn. Quadruple sex hurts.

Four play. Four. Four. Second commandment. Four?

Four is the first part, but it's not foursome. What is goddamn for? So goddamn we're going to reinterpret or reimagine that exclamation as something else. Okay, okay.

For god's sake.

So instead of saying like, uh, darn it, you might say like, fuck me. Like it's, it's kind of replacing or slotting in, uh, for that expression. So instead of God damn it, um, you might say this, uh, but to get that, you're going to have to think about quadruple sex hurts. For fucks sake. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

For fucks sake.

Yup. But that's the, that's the first part. Erin, I think you were on the right track.

You said something. For fucks, for fucks. For fucks sake, for fucks ache.

That's it. That's the whole thing? It's for fucks sake, which replaces goddamn. And then quadruple sex hurts is four fucks ache.

Four fucks ache. Four fucks ache.

I get it. I get it. Yes. Four fucks ache. I got it.

I got it. That's cool. Hey guys, I left, but I'm back.

Nothing.

You're perfect. My soul left, but my body is here. Here we go, here's another one that's a little bit scandalous, a little salacious. And she asks for more riddles.

And now aren't we all just eating our big pie of humble shepherd's meal?

Yeah, Janet, I gotta tell you, we could be reading about Japan's Capabara Long Bath Championship, so... Thank you for coming. Japan has a contest to see which Capabara takes the longest bath, but... That is fun.

Adal, you'll email it to me later?

Yes, I'll call you and we'll discuss.

Also, I'll email it to you.

Points, points, points at camera.

JPC, the way you just tried to describe a pie of any sort made it sound like you were an alien going, I should have googled some food before I started to pretend.

Look at us sitting down to eat this pie of humble shepherds together.

Elbows off the table. You're an alien, aren't you?

No, I did some Googling. I know that humans eat crow pie.

This is what they eat. I think the first red flag was you saying gab-smacked. I'm completely gab-smacked.

That's when you're talking too much so someone slaps you across the face.

Slaps you in the gab. It's when you go... It's job-smacked and gab-smocked.

It's when you're wearing a shirt with a mouth on it.

Or when you go to a God-smack concert with your friend Gabrielle.

Atta kadzooks.

Okay, let's do another one. Again, this is going to be in the salacious category. Don't blame me, blame E.B. Two girls with the same name take ecstasy and have sex.

Two girls and a cup.

Oh, yes.

E cup.

Reverse bidet. Two girls with the same name take ecstasy and have sex. Stacey and... Mom. Stacey takes E, with E from Entourage. Hold on, sorry.

Someone changed their name from Stacey. X Stacey. Stacey, me, Stacey.

I hate to say it, but that's actually brilliant. X Stacey takes ecstasy.

Is it X or E?

Two girls with the same name take ecstasy.

But you could say ee. Ee's probably not gonna say ecstasy again.

That's one of the slang words that we kids know.

Ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee e

Yep. Shut it off.

You're right. Shut it off. Your impulses are right. This makes sense to me. E.B. White hates E.E. Cummings. So this is just about an author war. I didn't hear it coming. It's a sick slam from E.B. to E.E. So it's E, Adal.

You're saying it is E. A lot of people don't know this, but E.B. White and E. Cummings actually originated the rap battle, but they did it with poetry. Yeah. But E.B. White did mention his mom's pasta.

Erin, what was your question? So it is E, right?

It is not E. Oh, okay. A lot of people don't know this, but E.E. Cummings stands for entertainment entertainment coming.

Yay! Yay! He did it! JPC, if you look behind you, I sent you an edible arrangement for your troubles. And that was that improv?

Because that was funny. I liked that.

Adal talks a big game about his big two-month memory, but guess who could remember stuff from 30 seconds ago? Not too much of a hotshot now.

And you said a word twice, which I liked.

Janet, you sound like every parent who comes to see improv where they watch like two hours of it and they hear one funny line and they're like, was that one line improv? Because if it's that, I'm on board. I was like, well, there are some funny lines along the way. I do want to see a scene. We're going to backtrack slightly, but it did just get brought up, so I feel comfortable seeing it. Thank you. Erin, you're a boss lady business bitch. Is that your song? Can we hear a reminder of the song?

I think I changed it to boss baby business bitch. She's a boss baby business bitch. She's doing the math. She's writing it down. Boss baby. You know what? Come at me. I have some shit to say to you boss baby people. Two movies about a baby that's a boss? Call me.

Erin, you are a boss baby business owner and JPC, you are Charles Entertainment Cheese. You did get fired from your namesake establishment and you are on a job interview for a new job.

Step into my office. Can you believe how big my windows are?

Whoa, what are these, Bay?

Yeah, when they look out into this great city, I have a corner office. Take a seat.

This is nice. I'm going to be honest, this is a little more big leagues than the last place that I was working.

No, really? What is this gap in your resume?

Um, yeah, I mean, I worked there because basically they said if I worked there for four weeks, I could get 40% off.

Oh, the gap. No, I'm talking. I see that you worked in the gap for four weeks, but then there's nothing after that.

Well, yeah, I mean, those clothes have a super high resteal value on the street. So basically I took the clothes, I flipped them, and then I just kept flipping. Are you familiar with NFTs? It's essentially the same thing. It was me and my friends.

Am I familiar with NFTs?

Yeah, we were all buying each other's gap clothes and then just driving the price up and up and up and up and up. And so that basically I worked off of that for a while. But again, that whole thing was a bubble and when it crashed, I decided to go back into the workforce. And so here I am.

And wait, what did where did you start out?

Do you mind if I smoke a pizza in here?

No, I'll crack a window. It's gonna be loud as fuck up here because I'm so high up in this building, but I don't mind. Do you mind if I smoke a high heel? I'm having it all.

So yeah, I mean, please, I'm happy to discuss my resume. It speaks for itself, but I am happy to discuss it.

So tell me, where did you start the business?

I'm going to shut the window. This is Freddy Sullivan with Channel 4.

Great acoustics. Great acoustics from inside the helicopter.

The smoke from the smoked rolled up pizza slice sets off the fire system and marinara sprays out into the room.

Don't mind that. I never do. I usually burn my mozzarella sticks, so I set up this entire system. I'm the boss around here, as you can probably tell. Tell me, what business did you start?

I started a little business called Chuck E Cheese Pizzeria. Interesting.

Sometime Game Place. Been there with my children. That's right, I have children. I'm having it all.

Ooh, wow.

I've even been to their birthday parties a time or two.

And we cut to, I want to cut back in time to a birthday party with Janet as the birthday kid. And this is the incident that got Chuck E. Cheese fired.

Mom? Honey, I'm on the phone right now doing business deals. Buy, sell, fire him, hire her.

Please, I'm in a crisis. I'm in a kid crisis.

Oh, you're in a kid crisis? Well, I can help you.

Mr. Cheese, what an honor.

Please, you can call me Chucky.

Oh hi, okay. Chucky, um, I'm in a crisis?

Now just to be clear, my name is Chuck E. Cheese, so when I say call me Chucky, it's not Chucky, it's Chucky E. Okay, I'm in a crisis? Just say it, say my name, Chucky.

Chucky?

No, you're saying Chucky. Listen to me, you little shit. Chucky? Listen to me, you little shit. Chucky? You call- No! You're saying Chucky!

Hey, stop yelling at my kid! Hey!

I'm so sorry. Here's $10 in tokens. That should solve it.

Uh, Charles, can I see you in my office, please?

Oh my god. Uh, yeah boss? Charles, that little girl, it was her birthday and not only did she just shit her pants in the ball pit, but you were holding her head under the ball pit as if she would drown. Shit her pants, new pants, the gap.

You know what? Fuck you. I don't need this job.

Charles, um, I think it was me that got you fired.

That's okay. Uh, things have a habit of ending up exactly where they're supposed to end up and I think fate has brought me back here. Just two people drenched in marinara sauce in an office on the 50th floor of a building.

All right, tell me, can you resell these gap jeans for me?

Oh yeah, I could sell those gap jeans. Sorry, I was real thirsty.

Just grabbing some marinara off the floor. I want to hear more from that guy in the helicopter who's giving him traffic or the weather or whatever.

JBC, quick question. Are Gap and Supreme a one-to-one for you in terms of street resale value?

I mean, you know what? It doesn't matter what the product is. If I'm selling it, it's going to make some money. Okay?

God, he's good. God, he's good. God, he's good. Speaking of God, he's good. Two girls with the same name take ecstasy and have sex. Now, Erin... Oh, this was so tough. Erin, I don't want to be... I don't want to put too fine a point on it, as they might be giants might sing, but this is a name that is in your Rolodex.

Erin?

Is it, Erin?

You gotta start somewhere. That's your first guess.

Oh, no, but she meant A-A-R-O-N, beginning of the X. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

E-E-E. And it's a name you're familiar with that is synonymous with ecstasy.

Molly. X. Molly. Molly.

Molly.

Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly.

That's... Listen, I already tried Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, so...

Okay, well, get in the molly molly molly line.

It was later renamed Pretty in Pink.

Molly molly molly molly. You just start emphasizing.

They're at a shopping center. I get it. Mall.

Yes. So yes, but we do need some interstitial words to connect it and make sense of it all. So two girls. Molly's. Two girls with the same name, so that would be... Two Molly's. Think famous Bob Dylan albums?

Uh-oh. No, thank you.

Why?

I'm good.

Two superstitions. He thought that would help. Okay. It's Molly on Molly.

Oh, okay. Molly on Molly's on Molly on Molly on Molly.

Yes. Molly on Molly on Molly on Molly. Gently down the stream. Here's my question.

The country of Molly is right there. How do we not have that word? Different spelling? Some Molly is. Different spelling! I'm the captain now.

Molly, Molly, I'm Molly and Molly on Molly on Molly on Molly.

I dare say I might prefer it when we make lazy bad guesses and then someone else has to reverse engineer what we must mean. I feel like there's some gems hidden in there.

Yeah, we should make the audience work. From now on, we're gonna give the, we're gonna avalanche, and you have to send us in the question. Yeah, yeah.

And we're gonna start hiding Waldo in some of these episodes.

So you lie down. Do this. Erin on Erin on Erin on Erin. Figure that out, assholes. And then call me about Boss Baby because I'm still mad about it.

Adal riding cattle, eating fiddle faddle, rode a saddle with a paddle. So these aren't word avalanches.

That's just a saying. Adal... Adal... Adal brained.

Like sum total. Adal... Adal. So if you make the sum total of me when I got hit on the head, it would be add all, addled adals. Adal, Adal, Adal. Yeah. Adal brained like, ad-al, addled, addles.

And then your shirt had a stain on it, so you add-al.

Janet, what the fuck? The reason we don't post video is because I don't know how to do laundry. I feel very attacked right now.

Well, this recipe's gonna fix it. It also happens to be a word avalanche.

Ooh! Then continue. So sorry, the stain was...

No, she already flicked that. She got you in the face, man. She flipped your stage, she hit you in the nose, and that's the game.

What the fuck is that?

Is this how we're going to end this episode? Is me being attacked again?

No, let's see. Janet. You're in trouble. All right, so it's like, if it's like Varney fishes the first month of the year, Janet, Jan, Nat. Jan's Nat.

Jan's Nat. Jan's Nat.

Jan's Nat.

I totally want to open up a place called Jan's Net.

So, if Varney was on the drum set, it would be Janet Jamzit. Jamzit? That's fun, right?

I think it's not in the spirit of the word avalanche to go one letter off. I think you have to go with Janet Janet Janet Janet.

It's gotta be like... So, Ms. Goodall's device for catching gorillas, Jan's net. What's her name, Jan? Jane Goodall.

That's fine. Let's rewrite history.

Ms. Goodall's mispronounced name. Hold on. We can save this. We can salvage this.

I think I had it figured out.

But go up. Erin, please. What was it?

I don't remember. Goodbye.

JPCs.

JPC. There's got to be something good in there. Like Jay Leno is politically correct.

Yes.

Jay's PC. And then he has a personal computer. It's not an Apple. Jay's PC PC. I think this is the only one with potential.

Right into the show.

What are you talking about? You or the joke? Well yeah, you were at the show and you told me. I think this is the only moment potential.

I wasn't aware that if I pointed to something, people would tell me what it was. Well you're pointing to yourself, so that limits options.

Janet, Janet, Janet. Ooh, I like when it's more haunting and spooky. Janet, Janet, Janet. Yeah, say it three times and I'll appear in your closet behind your wallpaper.

Now Janet, we did call you Janet Morph for a while. Can we call you Jammit?

I guess. I mean, does everyone feel like that brings you to bring back fond memories from this episode?

I think Jammit could be your DJ name when you start DJing.

But then I'll have to start doing the podcast with only one ear. No one wants that.

Why do DJs do that? To hear suggestions for the next song?

Just to hear compliments.

I want to commission an artist. For my office wall, I want to commission an artist to draw a DJ with a headphone off one ear and he's just silently crying while cupping his ear and the audience is just standing there. That's very funny. That's a far side. Yeah, that's a far side.

That would have been a scene I called for if I didn't feel like you were desperately trying to end this episode.

Well, Erin did say goodbye about a minute ago. Janet, we have time for one scene. Please call it.

Well, I just thought maybe having JPC be a DJ at a wedding who is constantly waiting for the accolades that he's not getting. 100% we have to see a song.

Okay, so DJPC waiting for accolades.

And Adal, you are the groom and Erin, you are the bride. Great. Or Flip It, you know what? I'm Lucy Open.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Look who's PC now. Regular JPC on this show. But Janet, can you state just for evidence who proposed to who? Just so we know where you stand.

You both proposed to each other at exactly the same time. Unplanned. Unplanned. Scary. Because you're a couple, you're one of those couples that happens to say most of the stuff at the exact same time as each other. Like in this scene. And scene.

Alright everybody. We finish each other's vows.

Honey, are you okay? Sorry honey, I was listening to the music. Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I got started a little early. It seemed like it was kind of Bombersville. Anyway, that last song was, uh, I want to dance with somebody. Didn't quite get the pop that I think it deserved, so I'm going to play it again.

Honey, can I ask something? Yeah. That was definitely, I want to dance with somebody, but that was not Whitney Houston. It sounded like either the DJ singing or maybe a kid's bop.

I'm pretty sure he's trying to just sneak his version of every song.

I want to feel the sheets.

Whatever you do, don't compliment. I want to fill the sheets with somebody. Hey buddy, there's kids here. Can you put on something a little? Here's one, two things. One, do not play We Are Family. I don't want to hear that today. Two, can you put on something that everyone can dance to? Like there's no raunch, there's no curse words, there's no innuendo?

Sure. Okay, so this is no innuendo?

No, please.

Okay, this is, Come on, Eileen by Dexi's Midnight Rutter.

Listen to the title. Listen to the words you just said.

Why don't you listen to the words? Come out, Eileen, hallelujah, yeah. Come out, big old pie, humble pie, full of pie crows, Eileen. Look, can I level with you? I am an alien. My ship crashed moments ago. On to a DJ.

Okay, she's loving it.

Someone get them made of odors and water.

Sorry, no, my wife is sarcastic. That's how she communicates. Do you have, here's what I'll do, buddy. Yeah. I gotta say, I thank you for coming clean. I do need to know how you need to be paid if you can't spend our human money. But more importantly, there's a party going on. Why don't you play one of your songs from your... That sounds weird. One of your people's songs. That still sounds bad.

Ah, honey, quick. He's packing up his DJ booth. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

How's that all fit in your mouth? I just dislod- I'm sorry. I have been to a lot of planets and I have never been disrespected the way that I've been disrespected right now.

Oh my god. Can we give you a free plate? Take a plate. No.

I'm gonna leave. I'll just take my payment. 400 goreblods and I'll be on my way.

Scene, we can't depart that! I am goreblod at that scene. Absolutely goreblod.

Gorbodz, Gorbodz, Gorbodz. Well, Janet, thank you so much for coming back. We will have you on very soon again. Congratulations on being our fourth host. Yes.

How do you feel about that? I'm so honored and I do want to reiterate that I did wear my Hey Riddle Riddle shirt. This is just for the three of you. I refuse to wear it in public. My gentleman friend was like, oh, you look great. This is not live. The video goes out later and it's like, oh, there's no video. He was like, you have a lot of makeup on. You've coordinated your sweater with your Hey Riddle Riddle shirt for who? For me! For Erin and for no one else except you.

I gotta say, it really sucked to click on the link and be like, come into the room and see Janet looking stunning and suddenly I'm like, oh no. I look like I just painted a dog's house.

Oh stop, you just have something on your shirt is all.

I don't know how to do laundry. Don't call me sloppy. Janet, is there anything you want to promote or plug?

Well, I don't know when... I don't know if... I guess probably on my episode, my JV Club episode that Erin was on came out at like a time where it probably came out and then now you're still doing episodes that you recorded beforehand or something. Anyway, I don't know how time works or podcasts, calendars or earphones. But Erin was on my podcast at JV Club and we had so much fun. It was the best time. And it was one of my all-time favorite episodes. I giggled to my heart's content and you should check it out.

Janet, this episode, just so you know, this episode comes out July 2020. Okay.

I will. I vow to have Erin on my podcast.

So don't scare anyone with- Meet me back here.

Don't understand how time or podcast works.

Everyone lets me back here. If you listen to that episode that I was on, we talk about a playlist and it's public so people want to listen to it. It's called Irish Woman Standing in the Fog on a Boat a very long time ago. It took me weeks to make.

It's so good and it's so long and Erin was embarrassed by how long it was.

It was 150 songs at first and I got it down to 40. It was a whole chunk of my life was this playlist, so if you want to check that out.

Erin, can you put it in the Patreon newsletter or something? Or is it titled on how to find it in Janet's episode, in Janet's podcast?

I think, no, but I can put it in the link for this episode too.

Gotcha. Look, we cannot explain to you guys how to find it, except that Erin said the full title.

You do have to be on a boat, in fog, on water. I'm feeling melancholy. A very long time ago. And you know what?

I'm really serious about that, you guys don't.

So you're saying they're smashing pumpkins on this list? I didn't know you could just search Spotify for other people's playlists. Oh yeah. So everyone can see my sex playlist?

Yeah. Everyone can see my I didn't know how else to break up with you playlist.

If anybody wants to find it, my sex playlist on Spotify is called Mommy's Little Fuck Order. Erin, do you have anything you would like to plug besides that wonderful playlist?

No, just check out sitcom D&D if you haven't yet and then also if you wrote Boss Baby you can email me at fuckbossbaby at gmail.com and I always like to have work with you.

We're going to hit that email address. We got new merch from Jasmine Darnell, and it's in our Tea Public store, which you can find by clicking the link in the episode description. So go and check out that merch. And hey, maybe one day Janet will be wearing that merch to one of our recordings.

I'll have it on my next one. I'll have it on my next recording.

Christ, I'm gonna send Janet some merch.

I'll pay for overnight shipping.

And we will be releasing Jammit Hats. Janet, I'm so sorry, you have no say in this. You get none of the profits.

I can't believe you're not releasing Jammit Jammies. What a missed opportunity. God damn it.

Oh man, Jammit the Frog is going to have our ass for this.

Jammit the Frog here. Adal, anything to plug? Yes, I recently guested on a few podcasts. I might be repeating myself from a few episodes ago, but just to be sure, and I don't know if they're out yet.

What you don't remember? Nice. High five?

Yes. They were more than two months ago. Please check me out on the podcast My Neighbors Are Dead, The Big Bad Live Show, Philosophy vs. Improv, TV Trivia Pod. This startup is being recorded and What Clicks May Come, which was one of my favorite guest spots I've ever done on What Clicks May Come. So please check them all out. But that was, it's a recency bias. That was one of my favorites recently.

So you've only done podcasts since the last time I saw you.

Yes. I live in a little hole. I live in the vent with Gary Larson and my mosquito wife. I try and do every podcast that invites me. I love it.

I think that's wonderful.

Trying to pay it forward because folks like you and PFT and all these folks were kind enough to come on my shows when we were first starting out.

But also you guys are just really funny and it's really fun to be on your shows. Oh my god.

Oh, that's the secret. Okay, so if you're recording a podcast out there. This is embarrassing.

Hot tip. And when everybody hears this in July of 2020.

Perfect.

Aren't these wildfires a bummer?

No. Erin, they said the wildfires are so blazingly bright.

How bright are they? Great set up to a joke.

That you can see them all the way from space from a little area called Jupiter. Goodbye. Bye forever.

I just wave. Bye bye episode.

And John Patrick Coan. Casey Toby did the editing, and Marty Perrin did the music.

Ooh, that was a big drink.

Oh, I took a big drink. Oh, too big. Too big. Too big a drink. Put some back. Janet's gonna put some back. Hold on, let me reverse bidet some water out of it.

Yeah, you just acted out a reverse bidet.

Hey there, Brian's and Turtles. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We bring you to the pet store, Brian's Turtles, and it is a wild ride. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew and ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a Headcount Podcast.