Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hello from Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm your host, Erin Keif. Four and a half, three and a half years ago, I got asked to do a riddle podcast by a lunatic, and another crazy guy said yes too, and now I'm here. Here are my co-hosts. The first one is Adal.

I'm a widdle boy.

And here's JPC.

They call me JPC, local perverts know me as one of us. I'm also known in the community of Twitch streamers as that asshole who never showers before a stream. The wives know me as you're being too loud.

Hey Riddle Riddle! Was that what you wanted, Erin? Yeah, thanks so much.

Are you happy now?

I'm sorry, I got nervous. I got nervous and panicked.

You got nervous, I got Adal Rifai!

We just, didn't we- And I'm Erin Keif.

We just did that. Fine. Just did it. Fine, whatever. Hey, listen. We have a very special guest on. Speaking of dumb intros, we have a very special guest on. That's true. Here's what I want the two of you to do. Okay. Okay. I want you to try and recite his full name as per what he's best known for.

Matt Young.

Matt Young. That's it.

Our guest is Matt Young.

Thank you. Thank you. Yay. Matty, thank you so much for being on. How are you doing?

I'm great and I'm really excited to do this show finally. I love Hey Riddle Riddle. It's so nice.

You read that like someone was holding a gun to your head.

Hey Riddle Riddle. That's what it's called, right?

Yeah, my favorite show.

Matt, it's a real honor to have you here, because I fancy myself the usador of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, everyone likes you. Exactly. Then why'd you make me do that? Why'd you make me do that whole thing?

Well, GPC's obviously Chunt, the talking badger or whatever, and then Adal, you wear a pink polo to most recordings, so you're the Arnie.

I'm Kurt? Yeah. I was just talking to someone last week about the show, trying to explain Hello from the Magic Tavern, which is always a daunting task for people who don't know the show, and it's like, I start with a big sigh. I always start with a big sigh. Yeah, exactly. Every podcast you start with a sigh. But I did say, I'm like, you don't have to like it. It doesn't fucking matter.

I do that a lot with people on airplanes or something or if someone's making small talk and they're like, what are you doing on my podcast? And I'm like, oh, why did I say that? I should have just said accounting. And they inevitably ask what podcasts I do. And Hey Riddle, I can very easily be like, Hey Riddle, it's like a riddle show, riddle whatever. And then with Magic Tavern, I'm like, here's the premise. A guy falls into a portal behind a Burger King, and immediately their eyes glaze over, and I can see in their head them doing the calculations of like, this fucking nerd, this show has like two listeners, and it's him, and it's like his cardboard cutout wife, and they always leave being like, that's so cute, good luck with your little show, and it's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Matt, we didn't just bring you on here to talk about annoying people with describing podcasts. We also want to know, how do you feel about riddles? What is your relationship with riddles? And not just riddles, but puzzles in general, lateral thinking problems. I assume, my guess is you played like Myst as a kid? I don't know.

Yeah, no, uh, all my puzzle solving definitely comes through video games. I was like a big like Zelda fan because I liked like the adventure mixed with puzzle sort of genre in general. I never finished Myst. At the time Myst came out, I think I had just started college, and my dad had it on his computer at home, but I'm old enough that I didn't have a computer at college. So I was like, oh, that looks cool, and I'd love to play it, but I never got to. I like puzzles, and I do like lateral thinking things. Specifically riddles, though, seem like... Did you write your college papers with a quill? my show. I don't know, one megabyte of information on a disk drive in it, and then you put paper in it like a typewriter and printed it out one page at a time.

I think I have one of those, it's a label maker. Yeah, it's a label maker.

It was basically like a huge label maker, honestly, you're right. It was a nightmare.

That's exhausting.

Yeah, two lines of text on a screen at a time is a fucking terrible way to edit a paper.

Do you have, and this might be too specific, Matt, do you have a specific riddle or puzzle from a Zelda game that sticks out at you as like this was very satisfying to solve or like this was challenging or this was stood out to you in some way?

I'm trying to think. I mean, there's so many good ones. I mean, I really liked I really liked Majora's Mask the entire game because it's like you're living the same three days over and over again and it's the puzzle of like what do you do on the different day what do you do on the same days that's different each time you just take like one item back with you and then like live those days again I loved that whole premise it seemed like I never played that one, I always knew it- It's great.

As like a, not a kid, but as like a 15, 16, 17 year old, I always knew it as like the Creepy Moon- 18, 19, 20- 18, 19, 20, 21- 22. Stop, no, no, no, don't hit. Bye. I always knew it as the Creepy Moon game, where I would see the cover and be like, oh it's the Creepy Moon, but I never played it.

Well the whole premise is the whole time that creepy moon is coming crashing down on the town, you have three days until the moon like crashes into the world and kills everyone.

I didn't know that. That makes it even more terrifying.

It's a creepy ass game.

The moon is coming for us?

Please tell me you won.

No, we're all gonna die.

Oh no!

This is the end of the third day, Erin! I'm sorry!

God damn it!

I love that Majora's Mask was like an Ender's Game for Matt Young, where it's like, play this Zelda game, yeah.

He's ready for an improv podcast. Those loop games are so popular now. I feel like every game goes for those loop angles, and honestly, more of them can. I love a loop. I fucking love a loop. One of my favorite.

Candy for my brain. One of my favorites is on Switch, it might be elsewhere, but on Switch there's a game called Minute, M-I-N-I-T I believe, and your guy only lives for a minute and then he dies, and you have to like open up portals or get to a new save spot or whatever it is, but it's so fun because you know every round you just have a minute before your guy dies and it's how much you can scramble to do before he does. It's really satisfying.

That's fun.

That sounds fun. Check it out. What also sounds fun is let's do a little warm-up riddle. Zoom!

I'm out of here.

Erin grabbed onto the talons of an eagle. She said the word zoom, but the eagle immediately dropped to the ground dead.

Erin crushed it.

She's dusting herself off. She's covered in eagle blood. Well, at least I tried.

Erin just bam bam'd an eagle through her frame, just smacking it from side to side to side to side. Eagle feathers flying everywhere.

I tried to get out of here, and I tried my best.

I love it if someone's like jogging by you in a park, you jump on their back and yell, zoom, and you just go crashing through the ground.

How fucking badass would it be if you caught a bird like that in public and you said zoom before you did it?

You're holding on to one leg, you wink as you fly away. Okay, sorry, I'm here, I'm here unfortunately.

Speaking of fly away, here's our first warm up Riddle. I fly when I am born. Lenny Kravitz. Hold on. It's absolutely Lenny Kravitz, but hold on. Okay. I fly when I am born, but as an adult I have a nose ring. I think I have a daughter and was married to Letha Monet. What am I? I was gonna be like, Zoe Kravitz? Is that his daughter? Right? Yeah, yeah. Must be. Yes. I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. What am I? I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. What am I? Also, was that a Sinatra song?

Man when I am dead.

Hey Zoe Kravitz, get me to the moon.

Oh God, what the fuck is this?

Wait, what's the middle one again? I lay when I am alive. And I run when I'm dead, okay.

Is any of this gambling related? Because those all kind of sound like terms with dealing cards or throwing dice or something.

Uh, no, it is not. But I do want to call for our first scene. JPC, you are a gambler at a casino. You are, I want to use the word degenerate. You're a degenerate gambler. That's my wheelhouse. You've been making bets that are not actual bets. Matt, you are the, we'll say, blackjack dealer at the table. And Erin, if you ever feel the need to come in, you will be the pit boss here to sort of put out any fires.

If I find a voice, I will be there.

Gentleman has an eight.

All right, throw two fried eggs on it, make it greasy, and let's shoot for sevens all over the moon.

Okay, that's a two. Gentleman has ten total.

Gentleman has ten total. Let's split these hot dogs open and mix them up with some mustard and ketchup on the plate. Five hundred. Five hundred more.

500 more what? Do you want to hit or not?

Yes, of course.

Okay. That's a 10.

Can I open up three more? Can I open up three more spots on the table?

You can. Okay. It's 5 a.m. I don't think anyone's gonna sit down.

Okay, good. I'd like to open up three more spots on the table.

Okay, great.

So now I have nine games going. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna get up in pace. And what do I have here?

Yeah, that's a 10. You have 20.

Alright, cancel this one. Cancel? Let's do... Let's cancel this hand.

Okay.

Fold? What's that?

Fold?

Just cancel it. I'll put in two more. I'll start two more games.

Okay, if you want to cancel it, it's easier to fold. If you want to cancel it, you have to fill out this form.

Hey Joey, is this guy bothering you?

No, he's kneeling. Wait, your name's Joey 2? I'm Joey 1, honestly. I've been Joey my whole life. I would see you more as a Joey 2. Well, obviously the pit boss is talking to me. Did he fill out the paperwork? He should. Well, if he wants to cancel this hand, he's got to fill out the paperwork.

Come on. I'm a big fish here. I spend a lot of shrimp. Do I have to fill out the paperwork?

Sir, we've been begging you to stop bringing in fish as payment. It is not an acceptable form of currency.

Shrimp aren't fish. That's a crustacean. Can we all just agree that shrimp aren't fish though?

You're right. I misspoke.

This guy should have to pay for it.

No.

No?

No. I'm gonna break your legs if you don't get up from the table.

Hold on, I know you must get this question a lot. Are you three dogs wearing a trench coat?

Yes.

Nice scene.

But they know about it. They know, okay?

They're in on it. We know about each other. They're in on it. I love the idea of, as you play blackjack, at any given time, you can be like, 500 more.

500 more what?

It seems like my hand's gonna be pretty good. I'd like to double. I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. What am I?

America runs on Duncan.

Is that anything? Rain. That's something. That's something.

Rain.

Water. Here's what I'll say. Is it a fountain? I fly when I'm born, but the rest of it doesn't make sense. Maddie, you're not far off.

Here's what I'll do. Colder, colder. Literally, here's what I'll do. I'm going to say one other warm-up riddle I had in the bank that I wasn't going to use, but the answer to this warm-up riddle is the exact same as the first riddle I gave you. So here's the second clue, which is a full other riddle. What falls in winter but never gets hurt?

A leaf.

Well, hold on, Erin. Yeah, leaves get hurt all the time. Snow. That is correct. Ding ding ding. I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. It is snow.

Hold on, I'd like to examine what Erin was saying. If leaves can't get hurt, then what the fuck am I doing for 12 hours a day?

When you're crunching those leaves.

You're telling me that doesn't hurt them at all?

No, they feel nothing.

Then I'm wasting my time, basically. Yeah, we knew that.

Shit! We were trying to give all those small animals a break from you. Oh, man!

And also, what Canadian rapper sings in Former? The answer to all three is Snoop. Here's another riddle, and this is, I gotta say, this is one of the better riddles I've ever read, in my opinion, in my humble opinion. So let's read it and see if you agree.

Riddle's like, Adal is handsome, Adal is smart.

Still, you've read it. You are smart, you are kind, you are important. What part of your body disappears when you stand up? What part of your body disappears when you stand up?

Your butt.

Penis. I think I actually know the real answer. I hate to come on this podcast and ruin the format by answering a riddle.

What do you mean? Huh? What do you mean by that?

Hold on. Let's go off mic. Casey, stop the fucking thing. Matt, what the fuck are you doing? Hold on, Erin grabbed another eagle. So JBC you said penis, Erin you said butt, Matt you seem to have a real answer. What part of your body disappears when you stand up? I feel like this is an uncle joke. It's your lap. It is your lap.

I was gonna say the bottom of your feet.

Okay, explain. The bottom of your feet?

Yeah, because if you're sitting down, you can see the bottom of your feet. I guess not if your feet are flat on the ground. What? Ignore me, zoom!

I want to see a scene, Erin, you're sort of like one of those... Insane.

Erin, you're one of those... You know it disappears when I stand up, the top of my head, because all the ceilings in here are so short.

You know what disappears when I sit down is my appetite. Erin, you're one of those jokey uncles or aunts. So you're constantly like, where are the kids at? Let me tell them these jokes or I have your nose or whatever that is. So you're that. JPC and Matt, you are Erin's nephews. And this is some sort of holiday where Erin is sort of holding court in the room and you two are exhausted by it.

It's cool because you live the same three days over and over and then... Hi hungry, I'm on!

Did you guys just say you're hungry?

No, I was showing Jake and Jorah's mask.

Pull my finger.

Do we have to?

Yes! My sister is your mom.

I'll do it. I don't know why my brother was showing me a video game.

Because I thought you'd think it was cool.

Okay, yeah, I mean it is cool. I like that. I mean, I loved Ocarina of Time, so I'm sure I'd love this.

Fart noise? Oh shoot, I did it too soon. Do it again.

Well, are you gonna just make a fart noise? Yeah, you're just gonna make a fart noise if you pull your finger?

What's black and white and red all over?

uh dead zebra oh my god newspaper with newspaper no a penguin with a sunburn someone murdered a zebra oh my god what kind of violent video games are you playing majora's mask majora's mask but i just finished zebra hunter is it cool Yeah, kill a fuck ton of zebras. You wanna watch us play it?

Fuck yeah, I wanna watch you play it. Actually, I can do you boys one better. I know a guy who lets you kill as many zebras as you want.

Get outta here.

Don't tell your mom. I don't think I know any dad jokes. I don't think I know any dad jokes. I'm really sorry.

You do know the best dad joke, which is, hi, blank, I'm dad. That's the best one. I'm tired.

Hi, tired, I'm dad. Pretty brutal. Boy oh boy, now I want to see this farm with all the cows.

We'll circle back to it if we have time.

Outstanding. Let's get into our full course main entree riddles. Here we go. This is gonna be our first one. A man ran into a fire and lived. A man stayed where there was no fire and died.

Good for him.

What caused this? Hubris. Smoke.

The hubris of man.

This is a Greek fable. A man ran into a fire and lived. A man stayed where there was no fire and died. What caused this?

Did the guy who died, die of like hypothermia or something? Did he need to be near the fire to like stay alive? Like the cold, the elements killed him?

That's a good answer. I'm gonna say no.

Okay, so you were wavering, so I assume that he was hit by a Honda Element? He died watching the Fifth Element.

He didn't die in the Elements, he died by the Elements. Yes. Yes. Yeah, he died watching Fifth Element, especially when Chris Tucker's character went bzzz. Oh, Adal just caught an eagle.

How's everybody catching these eagles?

It's to avoid getting dead stopped on this show. This is what you've done to us.

Okay.

The fire kills- Hold on. Hello? Is this Glenn Frey? What are you doing?

Tell him I'm home.

Huh?

Tell him I'm home.

I guess Joe Walsh would have been the better person. Yeah. Matt, it seemed like you had something working.

No, that's wrong. The guy who goes into the fire lives because he's already made a fire, I guess. That's the only thing I can think of. And the other guy was also made a fire Thanks for watching.

The man who ran into the fire lived, but by that- You lied to me. It's the metaphorical lived, like he truly felt alive while he was burning alive.

Sure, yeah. Yeah. So is this like a burning building, or is this like a- He says run into the fire, but is this like walking on hot coals? Are you just like jumping over a fire? Would the man who ran into the fire, would it kill most normal men? No. Okay.

Is it the Chicago soccer team?

Fun.

Just ran into the fire and was like, hey, what are you guys up to?

You guys are my favorite.

Matt, if a single person on earth died from the jealousy of not going to a Chicago fire game, I'll give that family a million dollars.

I feel like that's a fun new power move is like anywhere you go just be like I'm on the Chicago Fire and nobody's gonna doubt you. Just carry a soccer ball with you.

Everywhere you go. I want to see a scene. Matt, you are a member of the Chicago Fire soccer team in Chicago. You're in plain clothes, not that it matters, but you're in plain clothes and you're trying to, you don't want to. So they can't see my badge. You don't want to, but you're trying to kind of throw your weight around of like, I am a professional athlete in Chicago, JPC, you are a coffee shop barista, and Matt's trying to, you know, big time you, and you don't recognize it.

Gotcha.

Hey, how's it going today?

Great, welcome to Gregg's. How can I help you?

I'll just take a latte. Whole milk.

Yeah, sure, no problem. Whole milk latte, anything else in it?

Now let's No, Brady, Adrian Brady. I get that a lot, though, too. My bad, my bad, sorry. Not Adrian Brody, Adrian Brady.

Oh, okay, yeah, I didn't think Adrian Brody, because you didn't say that, and you don't look anything like him. Yeah. No, I'm Adrian Brady. Adrian Brady, from the Brady Bunch? Help me out here, because I obviously... Look, watch this.

Okay. Ow! Fuck! Oh God! Fuck my nose! Fuck!

Yeah, that's how you do it. You just, you just threw a sugar holder at that woman's nose. Mama, you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

Wait, that is, that's the woman from, that's the lady from Brady Brunch.

Hi! Who gets her nose broken?

Brady Brunch, yeah, that's you.

Yeah, Brady Brunch. It was a short-lived TV show.

Uh, ma'am, I'm so sorry about that. We'll comp you a latte. We'll comp you a free latte for the trouble. I'm so sorry about that.

What the fuck, dude?

You can't do that. You can't just throw shit or header shit.

He kicked it. He head kicked it into me.

Yeah, I head kicked it into her. Why are you getting hurt? How do we all recognize that as a kick? He did it with his head.

You kick it up and then you hit it with your head. Like in soccer. Kick it up and hit it with your head.

Okay, fine. Because I'm a famous soccer player here in town.

I'm sorry, you're a famous soccer player here in town.

Yeah.

Well, this is, you know, this is the United States. I don't think we have famous soccer players. Adrian Brady. Oh, I see. What team do you play for?

The Fire.

Okay, I'm gonna Google to see if that's a real team.

What the fuck, dude? Oh, that's your Chicago team. Yeah, a professional soccer team that I'm on. Okay. And I demand to receive a free latte.

Tall, hot coffee for an Adrian Brody?

God damn it. That's me. If he's in here. And musical guest... No, no, no, no, no, no!

You've been warned, Brady. You've been warned. Out. Out, Brody, out. It's Halle Berry here.

It's Halle Berry here. It doesn't stop him. Nothing stops him.

Maddie, I love it. You said, I'll take a latte.

I'll just take it.

Yeah, you gotta lean heavy on it.

Yeah. People love confidence.

Yeah.

I truly know a barista who... I would say a well-known Chicago-based comedian used to come into their coffee establishment all the time and do that same thing where they would, like, demand a free coffee. And they knew who the person was, but they were like, he just never paid and, like, it was awkward every time.

It was so embarrassing.

I feel like no real celebrity would do that. I feel like that's like Randy Quaid and Below. Like, that's the people who would pull that shit. Can you say which celebrity or no? Yeah, I mean, we'll take it out, but it was... Oh, no!

No! Keep that shit to yourself, dude! Ew, no, no! Oh, no!

I mean, you gotta be able to pay for your own coffee.

Here's the thing about getting something comped that I truly believe. If somebody comps you something, you just say thank you for it, but you never go into expecting it. You can graciously accept it, but to go down and be like, I'll take a coffee is like, no, no, no, wrong energy, wrong energy.

Well, and if you get comped something, then tip like 200%. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Just be like, oh, well, here's all the money I would have spent anyway. Exactly. And now you just have it. Now it's for you. You just have my money.

Welcome back to How to Be a Good Person with Matt Young. This week we're covering coffee shops. How to be a good person in a coffee shop.

Speaking of coffee shops, a man ran into a fire and lived. Oh, the answer is coffee shop.

There we go.

A man stayed where there was no fire and died. What caused this? So JPC, someone was on the right track. Was he getting fired? He wasn't getting fired.

Damn.

But the fire, as he ran towards the fire, like you asked, it would not kill the normal person. Circus.

It's not it's not impressive that this man he ran towards fire and now is it the same fire that was abs was the fire the cause of death from the other person was the absence of fire the cause of death of the other person?

No, so a byproduct from the fire killed the other person.

The man who lived was a fireman trying to save the man who died of smoke inhalation.

No, my dear man, the boy who lived was Harry Potter.

It's a yes or no question.

Oh, I'm sorry, no. A man moved towards the fire and lived, and then a man stayed where there was no fire and died? Correct.

But it's not a heat thing?

Is this a volcano? Is this like getting covered in ash from a volcano? No. Is it a sex thing?

Matt, it's always a sex thing.

I always forget to ask that and it's always the answer.

No, but it was, I mean you're on the right track in terms of what killed the man who didn't go towards the fire was a byproduct caused by the fire.

Would this be like a forest fire and someone's like, oh shit, we gotta get out of here. Let's drive towards the fire. Collapse.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Matt, you are Smokey the Bear. Erin, you are Smokey the Bear's date. You two are on a date in the forest. You're like on a picnic and a fire breaks out and Matt, you as Smokey the Bear panic. You forget all your teachings and Erin, you have to kind of sort of come to the rescue.

So yeah, I have three sis, sorry, should we deal with that?

Oh, well, you know, I'm off work right now. Right. You know, I'm more than just a spokesperson. You know, I also like to cook.

Great.

I mean, I started doing some woodworking.

Well, there won't be much more wood to work with if we let this fire rage.

I'm funny too, I'm funny. Good point. So the first thing we should do is, Roll is roll first.

I feel like that's for when you're on fire Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah rolling Rolling is for when you're on fire. You're not on fire. Are you?

Not yet. Are you just rubbing these sticks together? Are you trying to make a fire right now?

I mean, I'm trying to kindle a flame

That is very hot and cool. But, um, I feel like you're maybe panicking. Are do you are you not like a fire expert?

Because I'm sure you know, here's the thing. I'm an actor. I play a role on TV where I tell people, you know how to put out forest fires, but that doesn't necessarily mean that translates into I haven't had all the training. I went through like a day long thing where they sort of like walk me through it. And there were some very cool firemen there. I met a fire where I went out a fire pole, but I've never put out fire myself.

Um, okay, let's see. Well, you put on your profile that you can put out fires, so... People expect that, you know.

It's hard to be smoky.

Are you using me as a shield?

Please, someone help! My boo-boo! My boo-boo is on fire!

Yogi, get out of here!

Please! Now I'm on fire! Oh no!

Look, if we're gonna die here, in this forest fire, I just have to know one thing. Would you have become Mrs. Smokey if we had lived?

I don't know, I still have a thing for Yogi. His voice.

It's that voice. It's that voice, that melodious tones. So what do we think is going on here?

Smoke inhalation, that's the real killer.

A collapse.

This is one of the best answers so far. We're getting- I said that first. Did you?

Interesting.

Is it carbon monoxide? It is carbon dioxide.

Okay. Wait, hold on. No, yeah, it's carbon dioxide I guess as well, right? We can't breathe carbon dioxide.

Yes, you're right, yeah, carbon monoxide.

Is it a candle?

It was Jack B. Nimble, Jack B. Quick. Is the fire the light for the smoke alarm? No, it's an actual fire. I think you pretty much got it. I'm going to go ahead and give it to you guys.

Wait, is it a smoke alarm? Is it that there was a fire and the person ... Okay, you just give it to us.

Wow, I saw someone die behind the eyes. I never thought I'd see anything like that before in my life.

Gave up mid-sentence. Die die die, died behind the eyes, die die. The two men were working in a small room protected by a carbon dioxide gas fire extinguisher system when a fire broke out in the next room. One of the men ran through the fire and escaped with only minor burns. The other one stayed in the room until the fire extinguishers kicked in and he died of oxygen starvation. So pretty... Pretty intensive answer.

What's that silence? Did you feel it?

Why did they have to be in the same room? Why didn't the other guy go with him? What's the story there? He's like, fuck it, I'm gonna wait it out.

I just feel like Riddles, where the answer has to be like, well they're in a very special little room that only existed in Riddles. That should be the name of this podcast, it's a very special little room.

Adal, you are a guy who survived a thing. You can pick whatever it is. What am I playing? The guy that you're with died and you're telling this story to your friends at a bar and they're like really confused about why the other guy had to die.

So there we were, backed up against a brick wall, right? And the spotlight's right on us, and it's getting hot, right? And so we start to sing, you know, the spotlight's on us, we figure we'll sing, right? So we're singing, we're dancing, we both have top hats and canes, we're doing the whole rigmarole, right? Curtain's down, audience goes fucking nuts, right? Curtain's open, audience is still applauding. There's Derek, after the curtain's open, there's Derek. That is a doorknob.

Oh my god, how did you react? Stephen, I don't want to be rude, but I don't... Then don't. I don't know that they were going crazy because of your performance as much as there was a dead guy there.

No, these people, you know when you see a great Broadway show and everyone's pointing and screaming? That's what it was. It's every actor's dream.

Yeah, a lot of people... The whole audience goes, oh my god, oh my god, he's dead.

Right?

Because we killed. We killed.

A lot of people point and scream it into the woods, you're right. No, what the fuck are you talking about?

They're pointing and screaming at a dead body, Steven. Oh. Well, what we did is, right before we went on for the final number, right?

This is a joke, right? Well, hold on. This is how you're telling me my husband died?

No, it's not a joke. No. Miss Derek, no. I don't want to call you Mrs. Derek because that'd be insensitive. Before we hit the stage, we did, you know, we did what you're supposed to do, which is, we had two Advil, one was dipped in cyanide, we did the old shell game, we mixed them up, and we each picked so we had a 50-50 chance of living. You've never, you don't know, you never, hold on.

Why did, when you came over, why did you hand me this American flag all folded up like this? What is this about?

Oh, I found that on the sidewalk outside. Well, it wasn't on the sidewalk, it was up a pole, but I put it down and I folded it up.

You folded it like this? And eventually it was on the sidewalk, but... Yeah, we're splitting hairs now.

There's three things you don't do on Broadway. Number one, you never say Hamlet.

You say that Scottish play. Wait, what? What? You never say Hamlet. You say that Scottish play. What's the second thing? Number two, okay, you never ever turn your back During the intermission, okay?

And number three, you never perform the finale of Into the Woods without one person taking cyanide. Those are- I don't write the rules. What do you mean turn your back to the intermission?

On the audience? On who?

You know what it means. Don't play dumb. You know what it means. I played King, George, and Hamilton for four years on Broadway. I've never heard any of this shit. Wow, must be nice. Must be nice. Is that your Lamborghini out front?

That is my Lamborghini out front. Seriously, must be nice.

Well Lin-Manuel, the rules don't adhere to Lin-Manuel Miranda. Because, you know, he's got all that Encanto money. Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry. You think this is Lin-Manuel Miranda? You think Lin-Manuel Miranda played a... King George? Yeah, Lin-Manuel Miranda, King George. He wrote himself into the King role. The Choices role. You were acting on Broadway with my husband. Welcome back.

Oh, you're the guy from the really scary production of... The play's starting. Go ahead, sweetheart.

Into the woods.

Into the woods and out of the woods.

And out of the woods and everything woods and woods. Woods.

Woods.

Well Erin, with that beautiful performance, I think we're going to go to intermission. We're going to bring down the curtains, but audience, don't turn your back on us. We'll be right back with more Riddle.

That's super fucking scary.

Sorry. Don't turn your back on us. Okay, looking for clues, looking for clues. Sorry, JPC, can I just lift up your foot here? Okay, nothing there.

Oh, yeah. I've got a little captain in me, you know? That's what I do when people lift up one of my feet.

I like your pirate outfit. Erin, let me look in your ear with this magnifying glass. Sorry, I'm just looking for hidden fees. Empty? Well, not empty, Erin. Not empty. Gorgeous brain in there. Thank you. I'm looking for clues for where my money is going. I just feel like a lot of my money is just sort of disappearing.

Oh yeah, you'll like sign up for a subscription service, then you'll forget about it, and then all of a sudden you're $300 down the drain. Exactly.

So you know about this.

Adal, if you're looking for where your money's going, don't look at Erin's head. Unless you're paying for her haircuts, because am I right, guys? I mean, it's like a different haircut every time I see her with this woman. You should get Rocket Money, which is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Yeah, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features, which is about what I'm losing.

And Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. They automatically scan your bills to find you opportunities to save, then you can ask them to negotiate for you. They'll deal with customer service so you don't have to. It's like having a little assistant in your pocket.

Speaking of little assistant, Erin, you do have a bug in your brain that seems to have a little typewriter.

Oh, yeah, that's Maureen. She's fine.

I didn't know Maureen had left my brain. Hold on, going into my brain, seeing a note from Maureen. Okay, gonna read this, gonna try not to cry during an Adderine.

Impossible! It's emotional! I hope I'm asleep.

Guys, it can't be canon that we all had the same bug living in our brain. Anyways, you can get alerts if bills increase in price, if there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going over budget.

That's right, sweethearts. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle today. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. But take it from me, Maureen.

The Tango, Maureen. In case, do we have the rights to that? Do we have the rights to that?

I can't believe we all had the same bug living in our brain at different times. Yeah.

We like her. She's nice.

Hi Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Great. Good. Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe, and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin.

Oh, that's actually perfect, Erin, because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, perfect.

Yeah, and it's an all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to stand out online. Whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand, Squarespace is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you called it, to have stuff like custom merch, you can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Mm-hmm. Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo, so it's a lot of goo. So, Erin, are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store where you can sell your products online, whether it's physical, like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo.

Yeah, photos of people seeing the goo for the first time.

Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kind of eating through my shoes. It's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is JPC and I'm here too. Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. If you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat, and sometimes he gets stuck. Well, this time he might be stuck wherever.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral, and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you, have one of your best friends in this world get Tuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Yes, intrusive thought, bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life.

I'm having a great time.

Well Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this, I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just

No, you can do this. You started so well. You're being very brave. Raycon gives you up to 8 hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life. And they are so good and smooth. And the optimized gel tips, they feel like butter in your ears.

All Adal wanted was eight hours of playtime and now he's gonna have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Ray Connier, buds. That you love. That I love. I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in a cat costume.

No, no, no. Remember? There's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you. High-fidelity audio. Come on, GPC. We can do this.

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in.

I know. And the way they did it, when they held their hands out and they said, we'll tell you when we stop. And then their hands keep going and going and going so far out.

So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back to school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wise. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. Buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

It's wild that you said 20% off because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume is 20% back on. Yes. He's really buried himself in it.

We miss you boy.

Get better soon.

And we're back, and Erin, I have a very special surprise for you.

What's up?

You know your favorite wizard.

Mm-hmm.

You know who that is.

Mm-hmm.

He's on the show today.

Okay.

Hold on, the Cookie Crisp wizard was killed.

We made sure of it.

That's canon. That's canon.

I'm talking about Wizzy.

This happens every so often that Adal thinks that I want one of you to pretend to be my childhood imaginary friend.

Erin! Erin, it's me, Wizzy! You have to hide this gun. I killed the Kooky Crisp Wizard, Erin.

Good! I sent you, and you made sure he was dead?

I can't go back, Erin. I can't go back to jail.

Making a kill and checking it twice. That's what I taught you, Wizzy. Go.

They love me there. I have never a moment's peace, Erin. Tell a joke, Wizzy. You're the coolest guy in jail. Fuck you, man. I'm reading a book.

Erin, who would win in a fight between Isidore and Wizzy?

Oh, that's a really good question.

I think- Matt, I don't know if you know about this, but Erin in her youth had an imaginary wizard friend named Wizzy, who was basically Dumbledore.

I die on the hill that I invented Dumbledore as a child. I had to walk around my neighbor's tree three times, and then he took me to a magical school, and his name was Wizzy, and he wore a blue cloak, like some wizard I know. Yeah.

Erin, have we ever touched on how fucking lame it was that your magic friend took you to school?

Thanks for watching. I think that Usador would win in a fight, of course. Wizzy sort of had like, I didn't name this or know this as a child, but looking back at his personality, he definitely was like a stoner.

Like a Spicoli type.

Yeah, he was like slow, just slower. Like Usador is way more powerful, way more like with it and awake.

Did this did this wizard look like Jeff Bridges and did he hate the fucking Eagles man?

Wait a minute. It was my neighbor. It was my neighbor.

My rug. Erin, do you have something prepared?

For what?

I don't know, I thought earlier you were like, I have something prepared.

I didn't do it in Johnny's episode, but I guess I can start it now.

Would it make sense to do it with this episode?

Yeah, we'll figure it out. Ready? This segment is called, Tell Us Something We Don't Know. And then Matt tells us a story or an anecdote about Adal that we don't know about you.

Oh, this is a great segment. I'm glad we didn't go on Johnny's. And this is kind of fun because Matt has to now scramble to rack his brains for a fun little story that only Matt would know. Or at least the two of you wouldn't know.

I mean, this could be when Magic Tavern was on tour. Yeah. Because we've already gotten Adal's perspective. He's always talking about how, like, Matt's so organized. He puts all this stuff together and he has lots of folders.

I should talk to you all the time, Matt, on this podcast. I'm always like, this motherfucker, Matt Young, is the most organized dude I've ever met. He's always prepared. He solves any problem.

I am very organized, but I'm always scrambling to be that organized. It's out of fear. Fuck, oh God, we're not gonna know where we're going, so I better figure out the directions or God, shit, we're all fucked. I think one of the first times I ever met Adal, though, was on a World News remote gig, and I had been playing a little bit less. I was doing a play or something, and I kind of came back, and I was like, oh, who's this guy who's doing this show with us? And I was talking to him backstage, I, you know, this is like 2008 or something and I was being very gregarious the way I think I'm being like very, oh, look at me being so nice to this new kid. Yeah, he told me his name was Greg Arias.

His alter ego, Greg Arias.

I was like, oh, so what are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm on this team, this team, this team, this team, this team. And I was like, oh, you do a lot more than I do. Well, I shouldn't be acting like I'm doing you a favor by talking to you.

You're like, hello, little boy. Have you ever heard of improv comedy?

I want to make sure he feels comfortable and take care of him and do all this stuff, which isn't a bad instinct, but it also is a little, probably came off pretty condescending.

Don't worry, I did the same thing to Adal, and he was one of my teachers.

I feel like when I first started playing with World News, it was one of my favorite shows at IO. So it was very much, I was definitely like a wilting flower in the green room. So I think whenever I saw like you or Arnie or... Two of the biggest loud mouth idiots.

Fuckin' world.

Or Marla or Eddie. There's people where I was just like, as they talked to me I'd be like, I don't want to interrupt or I'm so sorry. Because I think with World News we used to only, and all four of us were at some point members of World News, but I think when people first sat in it was only the second act. So I remember it was me and Amy Phillips, who is now I think like a mega podcaster, Hey Riddle Riddle We weren't a part of the first half. And so we have to go, after you guys crush, we have to go back there and be like, we're also playing and like, very good job. And like, I'm so sorry that I can't participate. But none of us thought we were crushing it.

It was all like, Oh fuck, I fucked up this thing. And I should have hesitated and blah, blah, blah. And then we're like, Oh cool. People, fun people. And like, I did always feel a need to be like, Oh, I want to make these people feel welcome and talk to them and like include them in scenes and stuff.

Which was great, which was very apparent. And like, I feel like you always took care of me. So I appreciate that.

But, you know, I think it was just like probably at that point we'd already been playing together four or five years because the beginning of that show too was like I didn't know anybody. I didn't know. It was like Jason put together that group of people. The only person I knew was Arnie. This is something you don't know. It's not about Adal, but I'm pretty sure that Jason approached Arnie, Jason Chin, who's the director and creator of World News Tonight, He approached Arnie in the hallway of the old I.O. downstairs and was like, Hey, I'm putting together a show. You know, it's a news-based thing. I think you're really funny. And I think I was kind of like standing behind Arnie in the hallway. It was like during a Herald show. And he goes and he was like, I'd really like for you to, you know, come and be in it. And then he kind of saw me. He's like, Oh, you can come too.

And that changed her life.

I honest to God think it was just like a total fucking chance circumstance that I happened to be standing there when he was talking to Arnie.

His proximity.

And Arnie's so fucking big that he didn't realize I was there. That is so funny.

So you Trojan Horsed him.

I kinda did. I mean maybe he was gonna ask me anyway, but I don't know that he would've, honestly. That's outstanding.

That's kind of magical.

I'm always jealous because by the time I joined World News, there was legend and lore of you playing a character I want to say called Jerry Zumba.

What? I have nothing but questions.

Was it Jerry Zumba or something? It sounds vaguely familiar. You played some sort of aerobics instructor, and I feel like any time we do a show in the green room before the show, everyone would talk ad nauseum about Jerry. They're like, remember when Matt played Jerry Zumba? And it would be for like eight years, that's all anybody talked about, long after you left the show.

Well now I know what I'm doing if time travel exists.

I mean, I don't remember this exactly, but I can extrapolate it and backwards engineer it right now. I can guarantee you what happened is we got an article about Zumba when Zumba was new. And a big fat Matt Young went out on stage and just fucking went for it and was like, I'm gonna dance my ass off for five minutes and name myself Jerry Zumba.

For any intrepid young improvisers out there, I mean, this is what you do. If you get an article about Dyson, you go on there and you say, I'm David Dyson, and like you use your last name as the business. That's what you do.

It's hard to be happy for them though, because like their parents got them the job.

And if you want to go one extra inch, what you do is a tiny bit of misdirect that's so stupid, where you go like, my name's Beverly, Beverly Sprite, and my dad created a soft drink that you might have heard of, Mountain Dew. That's a little extra icing if you want to be a big shot.

Well, lead mentor on the show said, I'm Arthur Anthropology, and then he slapped us around the rest of the show, just beating us up.

Yeah, see, that wasn't that good of a scene.

No.

Let's see a few more riddles before we come to a close. Here we go, next riddle. On a hot Saturday afternoon, a woman was walking slowly through the savannah when she spotted a lion in the distance. Instead of turning around, hiding, or seeking help, the woman began to run towards where the lion was. Why wasn't she afraid?

Thanks for watching.

Do you need a minute? I do need a minute.

Adal just sat down.

It was JTT as young Simba, but there was also a different Simba for when he was singing, right? Was that something?

Yeah, JTT didn't sing the songs, I don't think. I think he just did the voice of Simba, and I think they got someone else to sing the songs.

Matthew Broderick as adult Simba. I truly never knew this.

He's making a call. He's upset. Hello?

I think Jerry Orbach sang all the songs.

See, I think it was Nathan Lane.

Nathan Lane doing double duty in that movie. God bless him.

Yeah, so the Lion King is basically one fifth of the producers. That's insane.

Exactly, yeah. Was the woman running towards the lion because that woman is a lion, and the woman lion are the one that get the meat. And then the man lion, they just stand around all day doing fucking nothing.

The doctor was a lion, you sexists.

I love JPC's lion-based stand-up.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a male lion. Erin, you are a female lion. And the two of you are trying to have an intense discussion about gender roles in the animal kingdom.

Okay, hey babe, I got Arby's.

What? I got the meats. No, I don't like Arby's.

Get up.

Could you go to Carl's Jr. instead?

No, no.

Oh! Million dollar idea. Fries from McDonald's, burgers from Carl's Jr. Are you drunk? What?

Are you fucking drunk right now?

I had a fucking drink.

Oh my god. Okay, here's the deal.

I had one drink with Jeff who came over.

Can I tell you something? Oh, hey Jeff. Jeff, good to see you. Sorry. Hey, I'm not your mom, okay? Running around the savannah getting you fucking shit whenever you want. I'm not your mom. I'm your partner.

You're somebody's mom.

Yeah, I'm our kid's mom. Speaking of which, I guess a lot- Jeff, do you know where my kids are? Sorry to loop you into this fight, but where are my kids, Jeff?

on the show. You are so great and you're a wonderful mother and you're a great provider.

I know I have potential. I'm leaving you. I'm leaving you. I got you these meats.

Mom, Dad and Jeff taught me a song. A horny potato. What a wonderful phrase. A horny potato.

You told me I could teach him our song. You told him I could teach him. A horny potato. Slam.

For the rest of our days. Good going. Good going, Noah.

Was my song bad?

Yes, it was bad. Pretty bad.

Should I just say, a horny potato?

Noah, shut up. You gotta be mom now.

No, I'm not ready.

You gotta go to Carl's Jr. and McDonald's.

Carl's Jr. and McDonald's? How about I go to Carl's Jr.

's and Hardee's? Yeah. That's across the... You have to go across state lines.

Oh man, that's so funny. I gotta drink with Jeff. Hey. Hey. Deadbeat friend.

Classic Jeff.

Hey.

Just a line, look it up. On a hot Saturday afternoon, a woman was walking slowly through the savanna when she spotted a lion in the distance.

Water. What's that? Water's close by. She knows water is close by.

And how is that a right answer?

Because she needs water. I was going to say starving, but that's not water, is it?

That's food. Have you ever met a woman, Adal? Can I get some water? They're thirsty.

Have you met a woman, Adal? They're thirsty.

Is she in a zoo? Bingo bango ha ta ta. Matt, that is dead on. The woman was visiting a zoo. Oh, visiting.

She was excited to see a lion. She ran up to it.

Well, she didn't fear it, I think, was the... She a kid?

Yeah, what kind of grown-ass woman's like, a lion? It's like, yeah, Debra, you're at a zoo.

I will say though, every time I know the polar bears are close by, I take off running in excitement.

They're close! Wait, Erin, my polar dar is working for you? Mm-hmm. I haven't been able to get it to work, and none of my prototypes work. It works for me.

Can I just say, Erin has knocked on and ruined so many of my TVs anytime that Coca-Cola Christmas commercial comes on.

Their paws are so big.

They're so big. Well, she shouldn't run because she could fall in there.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. That'd be awful. That'd be a shame. So I want to admonish this riddle.

Oh, so it will be done.

A formal admonishment has been filed against this riddle. Thank you. Matt, we can take riddles to Riddle Court. Would you like to do that? No, that seems too extreme.

My admonishment is fine. Just know that's an option for you.

You're wasting your money. Just so you know, Matt, it's not justice, it's punishment in our Riddle Court. There is no justice for these riddles. Oh, that is tempting.

It is expensive, though. You had the right instinct.

Super costly. Well, I'm Matt Young. I figure I can just probably don't have to spend anything. Matt Young from the Chicago Fire? But I'll tip you really nice.

I tip 200% at the coffee shop.

Latte for Adrian Brandy. Okay, here's the next riddle. We're gonna go with some shorter ones. We'll do it with the story riddles. We'll go to some shorter ones.

Hey Adal?

Yeah? We'll decide how short they are. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

And just remember everybody, zebra hunting on Christmas is still on the table. It's anyone's game. Who's gonna grab it first?

You need to look a lot like Christmas. Blam! What rocks but does not roll?

A rock.

Zoom! What rocks but does not roll?

A rocking chair.

That is a rocking chair. Wow.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal and Matt, you are two elderly people on your front porch in rocking chairs sort of recapping your life and your life together.

Well you see, it was 2003 and I was Jeff Zumba. Everyone thought it was the funniest thing that's ever happened.

That sounds funny. This was before it was discovered that Zumba caused immediate death, is that right?

That's right, that's right.

That's amazing. When I was a kid, I was in a production of Into the Woods And my partner died on stage. Oh, that's terrible.

I think I read about that. Was it because you got lucky and didn't get the cyanide pill?

Yes, it was a 50-50 shot. Back in the day, 50% of the population died by chance. Well, that sounds about right. Yes, but I had a community chest, you see. Should we go into this cracker barrel or just stay on the porch?

Uh, well, I'd rather not give my money to Cracker Barrel, so let's just stay out on our porch. Of course, of course.

Isn't it crazy how far VR has come these days in the year 2064?

Oh, it's incredible. I don't think I'm really this old.

Hey, oh, oh my god. What if, what if we're young kids in VR, but it's so immersive that we think that we're octogenarians on the porch of a Cracker Barrel?

I mean, I suppose anything is possible. What is, what is reality?

What is reality? Maybe in the distance we'll hear one of our wives yelling for us to come to dinner and say, honey, you're 27, come to dinner. Oh, I'd do anything to be 27 again. I would do literally anything to be 27.

Honey, it's God time to die!

Jacqueline, what did I tell you about yelling at that at the Cracker Barrel parking lot? It's so funny! Some of these people will die soon, Jacqueline.

It's so funny, you know it's funny. You know what I just realized?

What?

No! Is that we're gonna be put away or like brought to an old folks home way earlier than other people because we're just gonna be describing our improv shows to our grandkids in our 80s and they're gonna be like, oh no, he's lost it. I was like, I would go on stage and then I'd say I'm Zumba

Matt, I don't think I've ever asked you this.

How much of a toll does that take on your vocal cords?

I'm

When I meet Magic Tavern listeners, first of all, I always tell them how nice you guys are, so you're welcome for the lie. Oh, thank you. No, you guys are the nicest. Yeah, thank you for lying. But I always say- I give them the order. Of who's the nicest?

Yeah, I give them the order.

Yeah, mad Arnie Adel, huh? Mad Arnie Adel. We all know it.

Fuck you.

But I always tell them about how Hard it makes me laugh to be backstage at a Magic Tavern live show with you guys because Adal looks so comfy in his like zip-up skunk suit. Arnie just puts on his polo and then I just see you in excruciating pain put on layer upon layer of everything that you're gonna be sweating through in five minutes. It's so funny.

I for sure am my own worst enemy when I commit to something that I'm like, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it 100% and then 20% into it I'm like, why the fuck did I do this?

I'm the shouting wizard in the big robe.

There's nothing funnier at the end of a Magic Tavern live show than backstage and Matt takes off his robe and he's just drenched. It looks like he fell into a dunk tank. It is cartoonish the amount of sweat that he's covered in.

But ripped. But so ripped.

But fuckin' ripped. So nice and so ripped. Cartoon subject.

JPC, did you do, when you did the chunce night, did you dress up like a shark?

I can't remember your outfit. I can't imagine I did, because I don't own a shark costume, so it doesn't, no, but I wasn't a shark.

He wasn't a shark, he was a pirate.

I was a captain. That's right, that's right. And I did dress up like a captain, because I do have a pirate costume.

All right, that works somehow.

I do vividly remember like doing some dumb physical gag in an improv show when I was 29 and I was like turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I did a dumb physical thing. I threw out my back and I remember I was like, there's 24 people in this audience. I did this for nothing. I did this for nothing. I'll be injured for a week and I did it for nothing.

Yeah, I've taken a lot of falls and things that I didn't... weren't worth it.

And it's always for like a 10 o'clock or midnight audience. Yeah. Why are we doing that?

Don't know.

Don't know. Well, we're not anymore.

No, I will. I'll do it.

Yeah, I'll probably do it.

I'm doing it right now. It's snowy out, I'll go do a couple pratfalls as soon as we're done here. I'm gonna just go up and down the block so you can look out the window and laugh.

This is real. I fell down on the ice the other day. Adal knows this. Oh yeah. I slipped and I fell flat on my back in the middle of the street and then hit the back of my head. And it was and I popped right back up and I felt okay. And I was like, I think I'm alright. I think I'm alright. I went to the doctor anyway, the next day, to make sure I was like, please double check. But I think it was the first time in my life where I was like,

Oh, I'm gonna die for sure. Doctor came back and was like, this can't be right. The test says that you've been dead for 16 hours. Yeah.

That's so scary. That's like the worst kind of fall to have is slipping on the back of your head kind of fall.

I think a day later, a few days later, Matt and I recorded and I was like, and Maddie, you had sent an email or something explaining the situation and then

And you couldn't read a single fucking word of that email.

It was all wing-ding.

Which is fun.

I think Matt broke the ice. Well, that's the pun not intended. But Matt broke the ice and said something along the lines of, like, my personality has changed. Like, I hit my head so hard my personality changed. And then I was like, oh, we're okay to joke now. And then I was like, yeah, you suddenly play piano. But there was, yeah, there was a bit where it was like we were all very worried because I think you mentioned you had to go to the hospital.

I'm so sorry that happened. That is so scary.

Did it make a noise?

I mean, I felt it. It was a moment where I was like, oh, I've just hit my head really hard, and I was just very aware of it. And it felt a little bit like it was like, oh, I'm standing up now, but I know that I hit my head really hard. I know I hit my head really hard. I know I just hit my head really hard. Wow. And it was just really upsetting, and I'm just like, Very calmly like being like, I'm gonna walk home. I'm gonna go to the doctor. I'm gonna make sure everything's okay.

Did you say it was in the middle of the street too?

I was walking up the sidewalk, so I fell back into the street. Oh my God.

I'm going to walk home. I'm going to finish my Ghostbusters Firehouse Lego set. I'm going to play two and three hours that started there.

God, I wish I had the Ghostbusters Firehouse Lego set. I've never got that one. Here's what I would do. If I hit my head that hard, I would go home and I would cook up the most disgusting thing that I could. I'd eat the whole thing, and then later if I puked, I'd be like, surely it must be the food that I ate. It was disgusting. Denial. That makes sense. Yeah. Get yourself an out. I'm not puking because of concussion.

I'm puking because I made star-crunched spaghetti. Thanks, little Debbie.

That's so gross.

Yeah, but it did also make me think of all the dumb chances I've taken trying to get a laugh. And I was like, why would I hurt myself for that?

What a way to go, though, in an improv show, trying to get a laugh.

Fingers crossed. Hopefully. Well, speaking of getting hurt, I don't know, speaking of coming to a close, Matt, thank you so much for coming on today. You've been on our shortlist. It's so nice to finally have you on. We do want to give you an opportunity. We're going to go through plugs. We're going to give you the coveted last spot in plugs so you can think about anything and everything you want to plug. So before we get to Matt, let's start with our, we'll start with our least important plugs. JPC, do you have anything to plug?

Oh, just the same thing I always plug. You can find me at twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. I'm over there playing video games most days of the week. Erin, do you have something that you would like to plug?

Oh, we're going nicest to least nice. I get it. I get it. Cool. I like that. Oh no!

We call this, uh, we call this Matt already out of order.

It works. It works for us. You can follow sitcom D&D on Twitter and Instagram and check out Magic Tavern if you haven't. I love it so much. I've been a fan for years, way before I was ever on the show.

Adal? Yes, please. Speaking of Hello from the Magic Tavern, please check out the Patreon that we have. It launched, I believe, in October or somewhere there. So it's a few months old. It's just a little baby. So you're going to want to go to patreon.com slash magic tavern, I believe.

And check out all the wonderful... I don't think you need that I believe part. I think that'll actually take you to somewhere completely different if you include that.

No, put in I believe. Okay. Your funeral, buddy. Trying to help you. We have a lot of outstanding bonus content, and I believe a lot of our stuff that we had on Stitcher is slowly migrating, much like the glaciers during olden days, over to our patrons, so you're going to want to check that out.

Matt Young.

Glaciers were migrating. You know how glaciers do. They migrated very slowly.

They go south every winter, and then they fly back north.

Glaciers. Yeah, glaciers. That's why we have rivers. Matt Young, is there anything you'd like to plug?

Uh, of course, hello from the Magic Tavern. Uh, as everyone said, check out the Patreon, check out the Discord. There's a lot of fun things going on out there, uh, and I like to pop in there and character every once in a while, uh, and dick around, uh, and ask dumb questions. And I'm also on a new podcast that just started on January 20th called Dear Earth, I'm Really Sorry, uh, where I play Doctor Amazing. Ooh! Wow! Hello! It's kind of a... imagine if the world was coming to an end and then... I don't have to imagine.

Not hard. I'm right there with you.

The person who could save it disappears and it's up to his two sort of inept children to try to save it.

Fun! I'm so excited to listen to that.

What was the name of that again? I want to check that out.

It's called Dear Earth. I'm really sorry. Amy Thorntonson came to me, who's a creator I know and a writer.

And a dream.

And a dream. And I was like, do you want to play this role? It's a thing we've already written. And she was a fan of the show. And I was like, yeah, it sounds really cool. And it's a great cast and great scripts. And I hope we get to do more.

Cool. If you want to listen to that, there is a link to it in the episode description of this podcast. Yeah.

Cool. And Amy, I'm free to do stuff. So let me know.

Yeah, you can get Adal's contact information in a link in this podcast. Or for me.

Now, Erin, Matt's on a new podcast called Dear Earth, I'm Really Sorry. You have a new podcast, not Sitcom D&D, but you have another out-of-this-world celestial podcast. Do you want to tell listeners about that?

Wish I could tell you, Adal, but I gotta go! Zoom!

Jupiter, bye forever. We're gonna go too, bye.

Zoom, come on, hey, where's everybody? Quit grabbing eagles! Quit grabbing eagles! I'm gonna grab this Zune and go back to 2007, baby.

Okay, and I'm going to try and climb atop this flamingo with a top hat.

You killed it!

Giddy up! Oh no. Oh no. He said ya and slid his throat. Bad news. Eagle took the podcast recording. We gotta try again.

Hey there, quizzes and zizzes. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's episode. We go back to the chatterbox and we are taking a quiz. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle and joining the clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew for $8 a month. And you get ad-free episodes at the review crew tier. See you there. That was a hate gum podcast.