Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hello from Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm your host, Erin Keif. Four and a half, three and a half years ago, I got asked to do a riddle podcast by a lunatic and another crazy guy said yes too. And now I'm here. Here are my co-hosts. The first one is Adal.

I'm a little boy.

And here's JPC.

They call me JPC, Local Pervert Snobias, one of us. I'm also known in the community of Twitch streamers as that asshole who never showers before a stream. The wives, Snobias, you're being too loud.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Are you happy now?

I'm sorry, I got nervous. I got nervous and panicked.

You got nervous, I got Adal Rifai.

And I'm Erin Keif.

We just did that. Fine. Just did it. Fine, whatever. Hey, listen. We have a very special guest on. Speaking of dumb intros, we have a very special guest on. Here's what I want the two of you to do. Okay. Okay. I want you to try and recite his full name as per what he's best known for.

Matt Young.

Matt Young. That's it. Our guest is Matt Young. Thank you. Thank you. Yay. Matty, thank you so much for being on. How are you doing?

I'm great and I'm really excited to do this show finally. I love Hey Riddle Riddle.

It's so nice. It said like you read that like someone was holding a gun to your head.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

That's what it's called, right? Yeah, my favorite show.

Matt, it's a real honor to have you here because I fancy myself the use-a-door of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, everyone likes you. Exactly. Then why'd you make me do that? Why'd you make me do that whole thing?

Well, GPC's obviously Chunt, The Talking Badger, whatever. And then Adal, you were a pink polo to most recordings, so you're the Arnie.

I'm Curly. I was just talking to someone last week about the show trying to explain Hello from the Magic Tavern, which is always a daunting task for people who don't know the show, and it's like, I start with a big sigh. I always go with a big sigh. My friend plays himself. Yeah, exactly. Every podcast you start with a sigh. But I did say, I'm like, you don't have to like it. It doesn't fucking matter.

I do that a lot with people on airplanes or something, or if someone's making small talk and they're like, what are you doing on my podcast? Or I'm like, oh, why did I say that? I should have just said accounting. And they inevitably ask what podcast I do. And Hey Riddle is very, I can very easily be like, Hey Riddle, it's like a riddle show, riddle whatever. And then with Magic Tavern, I'm like, here's the premise. They're not wrong. They always leave being like, that's so cute. Good luck with your little show. And it's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Matt, we didn't just bring you on here to talk about annoying people with describing podcasts. We also want to know, how do you feel about riddles? What is your relationship with riddles? And not just riddles, but puzzles in general, lateral thinking problems. I assume my guess is you played like a mist as a kid. I don't know.

Yeah, no. All my puzzle solving definitely comes through video games. I was like a big like Zelda fan because I liked like the adventure mixed with puzzle sort of genre in general. I never finished Myst. At the time Myst came out, I think I had just started college, and my dad had it on his computer at home, but I'm old enough that I didn't have a computer at college. So I was like, oh, that looks cool, and I'd love to play it, but I never got to. I like puzzles, and I do like lateral thinking things. Specifically Riddles though seem like... Dumb bad jokes a lot of the time. And I'm bad at them. I'm really bad at them.

Matt looked right at me when he said that.

Did you write your college papers with a quill?

I see your references here are John Quincy Adams and Johnny Appleseed.

I spent a lot of money My senior year, between senior year of high school and my freshman year of college to buy a Brother word processor that was like an actual like big typewriter that had a little screen that was like two lines of text. And you could save like, I don't know, one megabyte of information on a disk drive in it. And it was like, and then you put paper in it like a typewriter and it printed it out one page at a time.

I think I have one of those. It's a label maker.

Yeah, it's a label maker. It was basically like a huge label maker. Honestly, you're right. It was a nightmare.

That's exhausting.

Yeah, it's two lines of text on a screen at a time is a fucking terrible way to edit a paper.

Do you have, and this might be too specific, Matt, do you have a specific riddle or puzzle from a Zelda game that sticks out to you as like this was very satisfying to solve or like this was challenging or this was stood out to you in some way?

I'm trying to think. I mean there's so many good ones. I mean I really liked I really liked Majora's Mask the entire game because it's like you're living the same three days over and over again and it's the puzzle of like what do you do on the different day what do you do on the same days that's different each time you just take like one item back with you and then like live those days again I loved that whole premise it seemed like

I never played that one. I always knew it. It's great. As like a, not a kid, but as like a 15, 16, 17 year old, I always knew it as like the creepy moon. 18, 19, 20. 18, 19, 20, 21. 22. Stop. No, no, no. Don't hit. I always knew it as the creepy moon game. Yeah. I would see the cover and be like, oh, it's a creepy moon, but I never played it.

Well, the whole premise is the whole time that creepy moon is coming crashing down on the town. You have three days until the moon crashes into the world and kills everyone.

I didn't know that. That makes it even more terrifying. It's a creepy-ass game. The moon is coming for us?

Please tell me you won.

No, we're all gonna die.

This is the end of the third day, Erin.

I love that Majora's Mask was like an Ender's Game for Matt Young. Or it's like, play this Zelda game. Yeah.

He's ready for an improv podcast. Those loop games are so popular now. I feel like every game goes for those loop angles. And honestly, more of them can. I love a loop. I fucking love a loop. It's one of my favorite.

Candy for my brain. What also sounds fun is let's do a little warm-up riddle. I'm out here. Erin grabbed onto the talons of an eagle. She said the word zoom, but the eagle really dropped to the ground dead. She's dusting herself off. She's covered in eagle blood. Well at least I tried.

Erin just bam-bam an eagle through her frame, just smacking it from side to side to side to side. Eagle feathers flying everywhere.

I tried to get out of here and I tried my best.

I love if someone's like jogging by you in a park, you jump on their back and yell zoom and you just go crashing to the ground.

How fucking badass would it be if you caught a bird like that in public and you said zoom before you did it?

You're holding onto one leg, you wink as you fly away. Okay sorry, I'm here. I'm here unfortunately though.

Speaking of fly away, here's our first warm up riddle. I fly when I am born. Lindy Kravitz. Hold on. It's absolutely Lenny Kravitz, but hold on. Okay. I fly when I am born, but as an adult, I have a nose ring. I think I have a daughter and was married to Lisa Bonet. What am I? Zoe Kravitz? Is that his daughter, right? Yeah, yeah. Must be. I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive. And I run when I am dead. What am I? I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. What am I? Also, was that a Sinatra song?

Not when I am dead.

Hey Zoey Kravitz. Yeah, cool looking chick.

Oh God, what the fuck is this?

Wait, what's the middle one again? I lay when I am alive. And I run when I'm dead, okay.

Isn't even this gambling related? Because those all kind of sound like terms with dealing cards or throwing dice or something.

No, it's not. But I do want to call for our first scene. JPC, you are a gambler at a casino. You are... I want to use the word degenerate. You're a degenerate gambler. That's my wheelhouse. You've been making bets that are not actual bets. Matt, you are the, we'll say, blackjack dealer at the table. And Erin, if you ever feel the need to come in, you will be the pit boss here to sort of put out a new fires.

If I find a voice, I will be there.

The gentleman has an eight.

Alright, there are two fried eggs on it. Make it greasy and let's shoot for sevens all over the moon.

Okay, that's a two. The gentleman has ten total.

The gentleman has ten total. Let's split these hot dogs open and mix them up with some mustard and catch up on the plate. Five hundred. Five hundred more.

Five hundred more what? Do you want me to hit? Do you want to hit or not?

Yes, of course.

Okay. That's a 10.

Can I open up three more? Can I open up three more spots on the table?

You can. Okay. It's 5 a.m. I don't think anyone's gonna sit down.

Okay, good. I'd like to open up three more spots on the table.

Okay, great.

So now I have nine games going. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna get up in pace. And what do I have here?

Yeah, that's a 10. You have 20.

Alright, cancel this one. Let's do... Let's cancel this hand.

Okay.

Uh... Fold? What's that?

Fold?

Just cancel it. I'll put in two more. I'll start two more games.

Okay, if you want to cancel it, it's easier to fold. If you want to cancel it, you have to fill out this form.

Hey Joey, is this guy bothering you?

No, he's dealing. Wait, your name's Joey, too? Uh, I'm Joey One, honestly. I've been Joey my whole life. I would see you more as a Joey, too. Well, obviously the pit boss is talking to me, you know. Did he fill out the paperwork?

He should.

Well, if he wants to cancel his hand, he's got to fill out the paperwork.

Come on. I'm a big fish here. I spend a lot of shrimp. Do I have to fill out the paperwork?

Can't this be- Sir, we've been begging you to stop bringing in fish as payment. It is not an acceptable form of currency.

Shrimp art fish? It brings in a smell. That's a good station. Can we all just agree that shrimp art fish though?

You're right. I misspoke.

This guy should have to pay for it.

No.

No?

No. I'm gonna break your legs if you don't get up from the table.

Hold on, I know you must get this question a lot. Are you three dogs wearing a trench coat?

Yes.

Nice scene.

But they know about it. They know. Okay.

They're in on it. We know about each other. They're in on it. I love the idea of as you play blackjack at any given time, you can be like 500 more.

500 more what?

It seems like my hand's going to be pretty good. I like to double. I fly when I am born, I lay when I am alive, and I run when I am dead. What am I?

America runs on Duncan.

Is that anything? That's something.

Here's what I'll say.

Is it a fountain? I fly when I'm born, but the rest of it doesn't make sense. Maddie, you're not far off.

Here's what I'll do. Colder. Colder. Literally. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to say one other warm up riddle I had in the bank that I wasn't going to use, but the answer to this warm up riddle is the exact same as the first riddle I gave you. So here's the second clue, which is a full other riddle. What? What falls in winter but never gets hurt?

A leaf.

Well, hold on, Erin. Yeah, leaves get hurt all the time. What? That is correct. Ding, ding, ding. I fly when I am born, I lay when I'm alive, and I run when I'm dead. It is snow.

Hold on, I'd like to examine what Erin was saying. If leaves can't get hurt, then what the fuck am I doing for 12 hours a day?

When you're crunching those leaves.

You're telling me that doesn't hurt them at all?

No, they feel nothing.

Then I'm wasting my time, basically. Yeah, we knew that.

Shit! We were trying to give all those small animals a break from you. Aw, man!

And also what Canadian rapper sings in former, the answer to all three is snow. Here's another riddle, and this is, I gotta say, this is one of my, one of the better riddles I've ever read, in my opinion, in my humble opinion. So let's read it and see if you agree.

The Riddle's like, Adal is handsome, Adal is smart.

So you've read it. You are smart, you are kind, you are important. What part of your body disappears when you stand up? What part of your body disappears when you stand up?

Your butt.

Penis. I think I actually know the real answer. I hate to like come on this podcast and ruin the format by answering a riddle.

What do you mean? Huh? What do you mean by that?

Hold on. Let's go off, let's go off mic. Casey, stop the fuckers. Matt, what the fuck are you doing? Hold up Erin, grab the other eagle. She did it reverse. So JBC you said penis, Erin you said butt. Matt you seem to have a real answer. What part of your body disappears when you stand up? I feel like this is an uncle joke. It's your lap. It is your lap.

I was gonna say the bottom of your feet.

Okay, explain. The bottom of your feet?

Yeah, because like if you're sitting down you can see the bottom of your feet. I guess not if your feet are flat on the ground. Ignore me! Zoom!

Um, I want to see you seeing Erin's... Erin, you're sort of like one of those, uh... Insane.

Erin, you're one of those... You know it disappears when I stand up, the top of my head, because all the ceilings in here are so short.

You know what disappears when I sit down is my appetite. Erin, you're one of those jokey uncles or aunts, so you're constantly like, where are the kids at? Let me tell them these jokes or I have your nose or whatever that is. So you're that, JPC and Matt, you are Erin's nephews, and this is some sort of holiday where Erin is sort of holding court in the room and you two are exhausted by it.

It's cool because you live the same three days over and over and then- Hi hungry, I'm aunt.

Did you guys just say you're hungry?

No, I was showing Jake and Jorah's mask.

Pull my finger.

Do we have to?

Yes. My sister is your mom.

I'll do it. I don't know why my brother was showing me a video game.

Cause I thought you'd think it was cool.

Okay, yeah. I mean, it is cool. I like that. I mean, I loved Ocarina of Time, so I'm sure I'd love this. I'll pull your finger.

Fart noise? Oh, shoot. I did it too soon. Do it again.

Well, are you gonna just make a fart noise? Yeah, you're just gonna make a fart noise so you can pull your finger?

What's black and white and red all over?

Uh... Dead zebra?

Oh my god.

Newspaper with... newspaper?

No, penguin with a sunburn.

Someone murdered a zebra.

Oh my god. What kind of violent video games are you playing?

Majora's Mask. Majora's Mask, but I just finished Zebra Hunter.

Is it cool?

Yeah, kill a fuck ton of zebras. Do you want to watch us play it?

Fuck yeah, I want to watch you play it. Actually, I can do you boys one better. I know a guy who lets you kill as many zebras as you want.

Get out of here. I know a guy.

Don't tell your mom.

Are they open on Christmas?

Are they open on Christmas? It's the biggest day of the year.

Why don't we sneak out? Can you sneak us out? We gotta go today.

Yeah, I'll sneak you out. Hungry? I'm hot. Did you guys say you're hungry?

We didn't. We didn't still. On what? I don't think I know any ad notes.

I don't think I know any dad jokes. I'm really sorry.

You do know the best dad joke, which is, hi blank, I'm dad. That's the best one.

I'm tired. Hi tired, I'm dad. Yeah. Pretty brutal. Boy, oh boy. Now I want to see this farm along the way.

We'll circle back to it if we have time.

Outstanding. Let's get into our full course main entree riddles. Here we go. This is going to be our first one. A man ran into a fire and lived. A man stayed where there was no fire and died.

Good for him.

What caused this? Hubris. Smoke.

The hubris of man.

This is a Greek fable. A man ran into a fire and lived. A man stayed where there was no fire and died. What caused this?

Did the guy who died die of like hypothermia or something, did he need to be near the fire to like stay alive? Like the cold, the elements killed him?

That's a good answer. Um, I'm gonna say no.

Okay, so you were wavering, so I assumed that he was hit by a Honda element. He died watching the fifth element. He didn't die in elements, he died by the elements.

Yes. Yeah, he died watching fifth element, especially when Chris Tucker's character went bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh, Adal just caught a beagle. How's everybody catching these eagles?

Stu, avoid getting dead stopped on this show. This is what you've done to us.

Okay. The fire kills. Hello? Is this Glenn Frey? What are you doing? I guess Joe Walsh would have been the better one. Matt, it seemed like you had something working.

No, that's wrong. The guy who goes into the fire lives because he's already made a fire, I guess. That's the only thing I can think of. And the other guy was also made of fire.

The other guy drowned. The other guy.

No oxygen. Yes, the two... Matt, you sussed out part of it. The two men are the human torch and the thing. Is that true? Are you lying? No, I'm lying. Okay. The man who ran into the fire lived, but by that... Who lied to me? It's the metaphorical lived, like he truly felt alive while he was burning alive.

Sure, yeah. Yeah. So is this like a burning building or is this like a... He says run into the fire, but is this like a... Like walking on hot coals? Are you just like jumping over a fire? With the man who ran into the fire, would it kill most normal men? No. Okay.

Is it the Chicago soccer team?

Fun.

Ran into the, just ran into the fire and was like, hey, what are you guys up to?

You guys are my favorite.

Matt, if somebody, if a single person on earth died from the jealousy of not going to a Chicago fire game, I'll give that family a million dollars.

I wonder if these guys- How do you have a million dollars? You're ruined. I wonder if these guys aren't in uniform. If I ran into the Chicago Fire, I would know that I ran into the Chicago Fire.

I feel like that's a fun new power move is like anywhere you go just be like I'm on the Chicago Fire and nobody's going to doubt you. Just carry a soccer ball with you. I want to see a scene. Matt, you are a member of the Chicago Fire soccer team in Chicago. You're in plain clothes, not that it matters, but you're in plain clothes and you're trying to, you don't want to, so they can't see my badge. You don't want to, but you're trying to kind of throw your weight around of like, I'm a professional athlete in Chicago, JPC, you're a coffee shop barista, and Matt's trying to, you know, big time you, and you don't recognize him.

Gotcha. Hey, how's it going today?

Great, welcome to Greg's. How can I help you?

I'll just take a latte.

Whole milk. Yeah, sure, no problem. Whole milk latte, anything else in it?

No, that's it.

Okay, 555 and it's just you insert the card or touch it, touch it to the screen.

That's funny. I'm Adrian. Uh, Adrian Brady.

I'm Josh. Nice to meet you. Holy shit. From the pianist?

No, Brady. Adrian Brady. I get that a lot though, too. My bad, my bad. Sorry. Not Adrian Brody. Adrian Brady.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I didn't think Adrian Brody because you didn't say that and you don't look anything like him. Yeah. No, I'm Adrian Brady. Adrian Brady from the Brady Bunch. Help me out here because I obviously... Look. Watch this.

Okay. Ow! Fuck!

Yeah, that's how you do it. You just threw a sugar holder at that woman's nose. Mamma, you okay?

Wait, that's the lady from Brady Brunch.

We'll get your nose broken.

Brady Brunch, yeah, that's you.

Yeah, Brady Brunch. It was a short-lived TV show.

Mam, I'm so sorry about that. We'll comp you a latte. We'll comp you a free latte for the trouble. I'm so sorry about that.

What the fuck, dude?

You can't do that. You can't just throw, you can't just throw shit or head or shit. He kicked it.

He headed, he head kicked it into me.

Yeah, I head kicked it into her. What, why do you? Hold on. Why are you getting hurt? How do we all recognize that as a kick? You did it with his head.

You kick it up and then you hit it with your head. Like in soccer. Kick it up, hit it with your head.

Okay, fine. Cause I'm a famous soccer player here in town.

I'm sorry, you're a famous soccer player here in town.

Yeah.

Well, this is the United States. I don't think we have famous soccer players. Adrian Brady. Oh, I see. What team do you play for?

The Fire. Okay, I'm gonna Google to see if that's a real team. What the fuck, dude? That's so insulting. That's a Chicago team. Yeah. A professional soccer team that I'm on. Okay. And I demand to receive a free latte.

Tall, hot coffee for an Adrian Brody?

Goddamn it. That's me. If he's in here. And musical guest. No, no, no, no, no. You've been warned, Brady.

You've been warned. You've been warned. Out. Out, Brody, out. Scene, scene, scene.

It doesn't stop him. Nothing stops him.

Matty, I love it. You said, I'll take a lot today. Just take it.

Yeah, you gotta lean heavy on it.

Yeah. People love confidence. Yeah. I truly know Barisa who I would say a well-known Chicago-based comedian used to come into their coffee establishment all the time and do that same thing where they would like demand a free coffee and they knew who the person was but they were like he just never paid and like it was awkward every time. It was so embarrassing.

I feel like no real celebrity would do that. I feel like that's like Randy Quaid and below. Like that's the people who would pull that shit. Can you say which celebrity or no? Yeah, I mean we'll take it out, but it was... Oh shit!

No! Keep that shit to yourself, dude! Ew, no, no. Oh no.

I mean, you gotta be able to pay for your own coffee.

Here's the thing, here's the thing about getting something comped that I truly believe. If somebody comps you something, you just say thank you for it, but you never go in expecting it. Like you always have to, you can graciously accept it, but like to go down and be like, I'll take a coffee is like, no, no, no, wrong energy, wrong energy.

Well, and if you get comp something, then like tip like 200%. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Like just be like, oh, well, here's all the money I would have spent anyway. Exactly. And now you just have it. Now it's for you. You just have my money.

Welcome back to How to Be a Good Person with Matt Young. This week we're covering coffee shops. How to be a good person in a coffee shop.

Speaking of coffee shops, a man ran into a fire and- Oh, they answer a coffee shop. A man stayed where there was no fire and died. What caused this? So, JPC, someone was on the right track. Was he getting fired? He wasn't getting fired. Damn. But the fire, as he ran towards the fire, like you asked, it would not kill the normal person.

Circus.

It's not impressive that this man ran towards fire. Was the fire the cause of death from the other person? Was the absence of fire the cause of death of the other person?

No. So a byproduct from the fire killed the other person?

A man who lived was a fireman trying to save the man who died of smoke inhalation.

No, my dear man. The boy who lived was Harry Potter.

It's a yes or no question.

I'm sorry, no. A man moved towards the fire and lived and then a man stayed where there was no fire and died? Correct.

It's not a heat thing?

Is this a volcano? Is this like a getting covered in ash from a volcano? No.

Is it a sex thing? Mad, it's always a sex thing.

I always forget to ask that and it's always the answer.

No, but it was, I mean you're on the right track in terms of what killed the man who didn't go towards the fire was a byproduct caused by the fire.

Would this be like a forest fire and someone's like, oh shit, we got to get out of here. Let's drive towards the fire.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Matt, you are Smokey the Bear. Erin, you are Smokey the Bear's date. You two are on a date in the forest. You're like on a picnic and a fire breaks out. And Matt, you are Smokey the Bear. Panic, you forget all your teachings. And Erin, you have to kind of sort of come through the rescue.

So yeah, I have three, sorry, should we deal with that?

Oh, well, you know, I'm off work right now. Right. You know, I'm more than just a spokesperson. You know, I also like to cook.

Great.

I started doing some woodworking.

Well, there won't be much more wood to work with if we let this fire rage.

I'm funny too. Good point. So the first thing we should do is Roll. Roll first.

I feel like that's for when you're on fire. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rolling. Rolling's for when you're on fire. You're not on fire, are you?

Not yet. Are you just rubbing these sticks together? Are you trying to make a fire right now?

I mean, I'm trying to kindle a flame.

That is very hot and cool, but I feel like you're maybe panicking. Are you not like a fire expert?

Here's the thing. I'm an actor. I play a role on TV where I tell people, you know, how to put out forest fires, but that doesn't necessarily mean that translates into I've had all the training. I went through like a day long thing where they sort of like walk me through it. And there was some very cool firemen there. I met a fire where I went out of fire pole, but I've never put out fire myself.

Okay, let's see. Well, you put on your profile that you can put out fires, so... Well, people expect that, you know?

It's hard to be smoky.

Are you using me as a shield?

Please, someone help! My boo-boo! My boo-boo's on fire!

Yogi, get out of here!

Please, now I'm on fire! Oh no!

Look, if we're gonna die here in this forest fire, I just have to know one thing. Would you have become Mrs. Smokey if we had lived?

I don't know, I still have a thing for Yogi. His voice.

Scene. It's that voice. It's that voice, that melodious tones. Um, so what? What do we think's going on here?

Smoke inhalation. That's the real killer.

A collapse.

This is one of the best answers so far. We're getting very lost.

I said that first.

Did you just say that? Is it carbon monoxide? That is, it is carbon, yeah, carbon dioxide.

Okay.

Wait, hold on.

No, yeah, carbon dioxide I guess as well, right? Like you, we can't breathe carbon dioxide.

Yes, you're right. Yeah, carbon monoxide.

Is it a candle?

It was Jack B. Nimble, Jack B. Quick. Is the fire the light for the smoke alarm? No, it's an actual fire. I think you pretty much got it.

I'm gonna go ahead and give it to you guys. Is it a smoke alarm? Is it that there was a fire and the person... Okay, you just give it to us.

Wow, I saw someone die behind the eyes. I never thought I'd see anything like that before in my life.

Gave up mid-sentence. The two men were working in a small room protected by a carbon dioxide gas fire extinguisher system when a fire broke out in the next room. One of the men ran through the fire and escaped with only minor burns. The other one stayed in the room until the fire extinguishers kicked in and he died of oxygen starvation. That's a pretty intensive answer.

What's that silence? Did you feel it?

Why do they have to be in the same room? Why didn't the other guy go with him? What's the story there? He's like, fuck it. I'm going to wait it out.

I just feel like Riddles, where the answer has to be like, well, they're in a very special little room that only exists in Riddles. It's like, come on.

That should be the name of this podcast.

It's a very special little room.

Adal, you are a guy who survived a thing. You can pick whatever it is. What am I playing? That's funny. The guy that you're with died and you're telling the story to your friends at a bar and they're like really confused about why the other guy had to die.

Gotcha. So there we were, backed up against a brick wall, right? And the spotlight's right on us, and it's getting hot, right? And so we start to sing, you know, the spotlight's on us, we figure we'll sing, right? So we're singing, we're dancing, we both have top hats and canes, we're doing the whole rigmarole, right? Curtain's down, audience goes fucking nuts, right? Oh, curtain's open, audience is still applauding. There's Derek, after the curtain's open, there's Derek, that is a doorknob.

Oh my god. How did you react?

I took a bow. What? I took a bow, right? Because I'd be rude not to acknowledge the audience going crazy. And then when the curtain closed for a second time, I kind of dragged him off stage.

Steven, I don't want to be rude, but I don't. Then don't. I don't know that they were going crazy because of your performance as much as there was a dead guy there.

No, these people, you know when you see a great Broadway show and everyone's pointing and screaming? That's what it was. It's every actor's dream. Yeah, a lot of people- The whole audience goes, oh my god, oh my god, he's dead, right? Because we killed. We killed.

A lot of people point and scream it into the woods, you're right. No, what the fuck are you talking about?

They're pointing and screaming at a dead body, Steven. Oh.

Well, what we did is right before we went on for the final number, right?

This is a joke, right? Well, hold on. This is how you're telling me my husband died.

No, it's not a joke. No. Miss Derek, no. I don't want to call you Mrs. Derek, because that'd be insensitive. No! No! Why did he get out as insensitive? Before we hit the stage, we did, you know, we did what you're supposed to do, which is, we had two Advil, one was dipped in cyanide, we did the old shell game, we mixed them up, and we each picked, so we had a 50-50 chance of living. You've never, you don't know, you've never, hold on. Why did, why did when you came over, why did you hand me this American flag all full to me? What is this about? Oh, I found that on the sidewalk outside. Well, it wasn't on the sidewalk. It was up a pole, but I put it down and I folded it up.

You folded it like this?

Eventually it was on the sidewalk, but we're splitting hairs now. There's three things you don't do on Broadway. Number one, you never say Hamlet. You say that Scottish play. What? You never say Hamlet. You say that Scottish play. What's the second thing? Number two, okay, you never ever turn your back I don't write the rules. What do you mean turn your back during the intermission on the audience? On who?

You know what it means. Don't play dumb. You know what it means. I played King George in Hamilton for four years on Broadway. I've never heard any of this shit. Wow. Must be nice. Must be nice.

Is that your Lamborghini out front?

That is my Lamborghini out front.

Seriously, must be nice. Well Lin-Manuel, the rules don't adhere to Lin-Manuel Miranda because, you know, he's got all that Encanto money. Hold on, hold on, I'm sorry. You think this is Lin-Manuel Miranda? You think Lin-Manuel Miranda played a king George? Yeah, Lin-Manuel Miranda, King George. He wrote himself into the king role. The choices strolled. You were acting on Broadway with my husband. Well, I wouldn't use those words. Because I don't act, I am. I was being with your husband.

Another round? Do we want another round of drinks?

Oh, you're the guy from the really scary production of... The play's starting. Go ahead sweetheart.

Into the woods. Into the woods and out of the woods and out of the woods and everything's woods and woods, woods, woods.

Well Erin with that beautiful performance. I think we're going to go to intermission. We're going to bring down the curtains. But audience, don't turn your back on us. We'll be right back with more Riddle. That's super fucking scary. Bye. Don't turn your back on us.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it. You lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax. We got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by Salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money painting. Run. Everybody run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Hi Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe. And I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect, Erin, because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one, like, website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of, like, stand out online. Whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand, Squarespace is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just going to say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting. Sure. So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo, so it's a lot of goo. So, are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store where you can sell your products online, whether it's physical, like this goo, digital, like I imagine, you know, some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster. But we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done to my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you had to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat? Yeah. And sometimes he gets stuck. Well, this time he might... Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

It's barely the toes.

It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry. I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you could do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was eight hours of playtime and now he's going to have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in a cat costume.

No, no, remember? There's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you. Hi Fidelity Audio, come on GPC, we can do this.

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back-to-school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume is 20% back on.

Yes.

He's really buried himself in it. We miss you boy, get better soon.

And we're back and Erin, I have a very special surprise for you.

What's up.

You know, your favorite wizard.

Mm-hmm.

You know who that is.

Mm-hmm.

He's on the show today.

Okay.

Hold on. The Cookie Crisp Wizard was killed.

We made sure of it.

That's canon. That's canon. I'm talking about Wizzy.

This happens every so often that Adal thinks that I want one of you to pretend to be my childhood imaginary friend.

Erin! Erin, it's me, Wizzy. You have to hide this gun. I killed the Cookie Crisp Wizard, Erin.

Good. I sent you and you made sure he was dead?

I can't go back, Erin. I can't go back to jail.

Making a kill and checking it twice. That's what I taught you, Wizzy. Go.

They love me there. I have never had moments. Peace, Erin. Tell a joke, Wizzy. You're the coolest guy in jail. Fuck you, man. I'm reading a book.

Erin, who would win a fight between Eusidor and Wizzy?

Oh, that's a really good question.

Matt, I don't know if you know about this, but Erin and her youth had an imaginary wizard friend named Wizzy, who was basically Dumbledore.

I die in the hill that I invented Dumbledore as a child. I had to walk around my neighbor's tree three times, and then he took me to a magical school, and his name was Wizzy, and he wore a blue cloak, like some wizard I know. Yeah.

Erin, have we ever touched on how fucking lame it was that your magic friend took you to school?

Probably. You touch on how lame a lot of me is. You guys talk about how lame I am all the time. I can go anywhere in my imagination, even school.

What did you do with the school? Was it a magical school or was it like... Math worksheets. Fucking dude geometry idiot.

Honestly, it was a mix of both because he wanted me to be well-rounded. I think that you store would win in a fight, of course. Wizzy sort of had like, I didn't name this or know this as a child, but looking back at his personality, he definitely was like a stoner.

Like a Spicoli type.

Yeah, he was like a slow, just slower. Like Eustonore is way more powerful, way more like with it in a wig.

Did this wizard look like Jeff Bridges and did he hate the fucking Eagles, man?

Okay, wait a minute. It was my neighbor. It was my neighbor.

My rug. Erin, do you have something prepared?

For what?

I don't know. I thought earlier you were like, I have something prepared.

I didn't do it in Johnny's episode, but I guess I can start it now.

Sure. Would it make sense to do with this episode?

Yeah, we'll figure it out. Ready? Yeah. This segment is called, Tell Us Something We Don't Know. And then Matt tells us a story or an anecdote about Adal that we don't know about you.

Oh, this is a great segment. I'm glad we didn't go on Johnny Keif. And this is kind of fun because Matt has to now scramble. For a fun little story that only Matt would know. Or at least the two of you wouldn't know.

I mean this could be when Magic Tavern was on tour. Yeah. Because we've already gotten Adal's perspective. He's always talking about how like Matt's so organized he puts all this stuff together and he has lots of folders.

I should talk to you all the time, Matt, on this podcast. I'm always like, this motherfucker, Matt Young, is the most organized dude I've ever met. He's always prepared.

He's propped with email replies. I am very organized, but I'm almost scrambling to be that organized. It's out of fear.

It's like, fuck, oh god, we're not going to know where we're going, so I better figure out the directions or gods. Shit, we're all fucked.

I think one of the first times I ever met Adal though was on a World News remote gig and I had been playing a little bit less. I was doing a play or something and I kind of came back and I was like, oh, who's this guy who's doing this show with us? And I was like talking to him backstage and I, you know, this is like 2008 or something and I was Being very gregarious the way I think I'm being like very, oh, look at me being so nice to this new kid. Yeah, he told me his name was Greg Arias.

His alter ego Greg Arias.

I was like, oh, so what are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm on this team, this team, this team, this team, this team. And I was like, oh. You do a lot more than I do. Well, I should be acting like I'm doing you a favor by talking to you.

You're like, hello, little boy. Have you ever heard of improv comedy?

I want to make sure he feels comfortable and take care of him and do all this stuff, which isn't a bad instinct, but it also is a little, probably came off pretty condescending.

Don't worry, I did the same thing to Adal, and he was one of my teachers.

I feel like when I first started playing with World News, it was one of my favorite shows that I owe. So it was very much, I was definitely like a wilting flower in the green room. So I think whenever I saw like you or Arnie or... Two of the biggest loudmouth idiots. Yeah, or Marla or Eddie. You know, there's people where I was just like, as they talked to me, I'd be like, oh, I don't want to interrupt or I'm so sorry. Because I think with World News, we used to only, and all four of us were at some point members of World News. But I think when people first sat in, it was only the second act. So I remember it was me and Amy Phillips, who is now, I think, like a mega podcaster. I think she does like a Real Housewives podcast or something. But it was me and Amy Phillips.

Yeah, she must be big if you're so familiar with what she fucking does.

I just don't watch reality. Well besides the brother, I don't watch reality TV. But I know she's a big deal, but me and her started at the same time and I remember so we'd only play the second act and so we'd watch the first act and then we'd go backstage. It was very awkward.

That's intimidating.

We weren't a part of the first half. And so we have to go, after you guys crush, we have to go back there and be like, we're also playing and like, very good job. And like, I'm so sorry that I can't participate. But none of us thought we were crushing it.

It was all like, Oh fuck, I fucked up this thing and I should have hit, I hesitated and blah, blah, blah. And then we're like, Oh cool. People, fun people. And like, I did always feel a need to be like, Oh, I want to make these people feel welcome and talk to them and like include them in scenes and stuff.

Which was great, which was very apparent. And like, I feel like you always took care of me. So I appreciate that.

But you know I think it was just like probably at that point we'd already been playing together four or five years because the beginning of that show too was like I didn't know anybody. I didn't know. It was like Jason put together that group of people. The only person I knew was Arnie. This is something you don't know. It's not about Adal. But I'm pretty sure That Jason approached Arnie, Jason Chin, who is the director and creator of World News Tonight. He approached Arnie in the hallway of the old IO downstairs and was like, hey, I'm putting together a show. You know, it's a news-based thing. I think you're really funny. I was kind of like standing behind Arnie in the hallway. It was like during a Herald show. And he goes, and he's like, I'd really like for you to, you know, come and be in it. And then he kind of saw me. He's like, oh, you can come too.

And that changed your life.

I honest to God think it is just like a total fucking circumstance that I happen to be standing there when he's talking to Arne. Proximity. And Arne's so fucking big that he didn't realize I was there. That is so funny.

So you Trojan horse him.

I kind of did. I mean, maybe he was going to ask me anyway, but I don't know that he would have, honestly.

That's outstanding.

That's pretty magical.

I'm always jealous because by the time I joined World News, there was a legend and lore of you playing a character I want to say called Jerry Zumba?

What? I have nothing but questions.

Was it Jerry Zumba or something? It sounds vaguely familiar. You played some sort of aerobics instructor and I feel like anytime we do a show in the green room before the show, everyone would talk ad nauseam about Jerry. They're like, remember when Matt played Jerry Zumba? And it would be for like eight years. That's all anybody talked about long after you left the show.

Well now I know what I'm doing if time travel exists.

Want to get to world news please?

I mean, I don't remember this exactly, but I can extrapolate it and backwards engineer it right now. I can guarantee you what happened is we got an article about Zumba when Zumba was new. And a big fat Matt Young went out on stage and just fucking went for it and was like, I'm going to dance my ass off for five minutes and name myself Jerry Zumba.

For Fernie and Trepid Young improvisers out there, I mean, this is what you do. If you get an article about Dyson, you go on there and you say, I'm David Dyson. And like, you use your last name as the business. That's what you do.

And if you want to go... It's hard to be happy for them though, because like their parents got them the job.

If you want to go one extra inch, what you do is a tiny bit of misdirect that's so stupid, where you go like, my name's Beverly, Beverly Sprite, and my dad created a little soft drink that you might have heard of, Mountain Dew. Everyone laughs. That's a little extra icing if you want to be a big shot.

Leed Mansoor in a show said, I'm Arthur Anthropologie, and then he slapped us around the rest of the show, just beating us up.

Yeah, see that wasn't that good of a scene.

Well, let's get back into a few more riddles before we come to a close. Here we go next riddle. On a hot Saturday afternoon, a woman was walking slowly through the savanna when she spotted a lion in the distance. Instead of turning around, hiding, or seeking help, the woman began to run towards the lion to run towards where the lion was. Why wasn't she afraid? It was Simba.

Yep. She had raised the lion.

The lion was singing. As a baby.

Yeah, as a baby. Big Simba, I'd be like, no, no, no, no. Yeah, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, not Matthew Broderick.

Yeah. I'm gonna be a mighty king.

Hold on, was Matthew Broderick adult Simba?

Of course.

Of course. I had no idea. Yeah. Wow. Do you need a minute? Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down.

Adal just sat down.

Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down.

Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down.

Adal just sat down. Adal just sat down.

Nathan Lane doing double duty in that movie. Uh-huh. God bless him.

Yeah, so the Lion King is basically one fifth of the producers.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Was the woman running towards the lion because that woman is a lion? And the woman lion are the one that get the meat. And then the man lion, they just stand around all day doing fucking nothing.

The doctor was a lion, you sexist.

I love JPC's lion-based stand-up.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you are a male lion, Erin, you are a female lion, and the two of you are trying to have an intense discussion about gender roles in the animal kingdom.

Okay, hey babe, I got R.B.'s. What? I got the memes.

No, I don't like Arby's.

Get up.

Could you go to Carl's Jr. instead?

No, no.

Oh! Million dollar idea. Fries from McDonald's, burgers from Carl's Jr. Are you drunk?

Are you fucking drunk right now?

I had a fucking drink.

Oh my God. Okay, here's the deal.

I had one drink with Jeff who came over.

Can I tell you something? Oh, hey Jeff. Jeff, good to see you. Sorry. Hey, I'm not your mom, okay? Running around the Savannah, getting you fucking shit whenever you want. I'm not your mom. I'm your partner.

You're somebody's mom.

Yeah, I'm our kid's mom. Speaking of which, I guess Jeff, do you know where my kids are? Sorry to loop you into this fight, but where are my kids, Jeff?

I don't know.

Jeff, you were almost mayor. You had potential. My husband never had potential. You're wasting away your life. Unbelievable.

No, no, you have potential. You got lots of potential.

You are so great. And you're a wonderful mother and you're a great provider.

I know I have potential. I'm leaving you. I'm leaving you. I got you these meats. Mom, Dad and Jeff taught me a song.

A horny potato. What a wonderful phrase. A horny potato.

You told me I could teach him our songs. You told him I could teach him.

A horny potato.

Slam.

You were the rest of my days. Good going. Good going, Noah.

Was my song bad? Yes, it was bad.

Pretty bad.

Should I just say, a horny potato?

Noah, shut up. You gotta be mom now.

No, I'm not ready.

You gotta go to Carl's Jr. and McDonald's.

The Carl's Jr. and McDonald's. How about I go to Carl's Jr. and Hardee's? Yeah. That's across the- Across state lines, man.

Oh man, that's not funny. I gotta drink with Jeff. Hey.

Hey.

Deadbeat friend. Classic Jeff. Hey. Just a line, look it up. On our hot start of the afternoon, a woman was walking slowly through the savannah. Oh, she knows water is close by.

Water. What's that? Water is close by. She knows water is close by.

And how is that a right answer?

Because she needs water. I was going to say starving, but that's not water, is it?

That's food. Have you ever met a woman at all? Can I get some water? They're thirsty.

Yeah. Have you met a woman at all? They're thirsty.

Is she in a zoo? Bingo bango hot ta ta, mat that is dead on, the woman was visiting a zoo. Oh, visiting.

She was excited to see a line she ran up to it.

Well, she didn't fear it, I think was the... Is she a kid?

Yeah, what kind of grown-ass woman's like, a lion? It's like, yeah, Deborah, you're at a zoo.

I will say though, every time I know the polar bears are close by, I take off running and excitement.

They're close! Wait, Erin! My polar bear is working for you? I haven't been able to get into it, and none of my prototypes work. It works for me!

Can I just say, Erin has knocked on and ruined so many of my TVs anytime that Coca-Cola Christmas commercial comes on.

Their paws are so big.

They're so big.

Well, she shouldn't run because she could fall in there.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. That'd be awful. That'd be a shame.

So I want to admonish this riddle. Oh, so it will be done.

A formal admonishment has been filed against this riddle. Thank you. Matt, we can take riddles to Riddle Court. Would you like to do that?

No, that seems too extreme. My admonishment is fine.

Next time, yeah, just know that's an option for you.

Okay, great. Just so you know, Matt, it's not justice, it's punishment at our Riddle court. There is no justice for these riddles. Oh, that is tempting.

It is expensive though. So you had the right instinct.

Super costly. Well, I'm Matt Young. I figure I can just probably don't have to spin anything. Matt Young from the Chicago Fire. I tip you really nice.

I tip 200% at the coffee shop.

Latte for Adrian Brandy. Okay, here's the next riddle. We're gonna go with some shorter ones. Let's go. We'll do a worth of story riddles. We'll go to some shorter ones.

Hey Adal.

Yeah. We'll decide how short they are. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

And just remember, everybody zebra hunting on Christmas is still on the table. It's anyone's game. Who's gonna grab it first?

It's getting to look a lot like Christmas. Blam! What rocks but does not roll? A rock. What rocks but does not roll?

A rocking chair.

That is a rocking chair. Wow.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal and Matt, you are two elderly people on your front porch in rocking chairs, sort of recapping your life and your life together.

Well, you see, it was 2003 and I was Jeff Zumba. Everyone thought it was the funniest thing that's ever happened.

That sounds funny. This was before it was discovered that Zumba caused immediate death. Is that right?

That's right. That's right.

That's amazing. When I was a kid, I was in a production of Into the Woods, and my partner died on stage. Oh, that's terrible.

I think I read about that. Was it because you got lucky and didn't get the cyanide pill?

Yes, it was a 50-50 shot. Back in the day, 50% of the population died by chance. Well, that sounds about right. Yes, but I had a community chest, you see, you see. Should we go into this Cragger Barrel or just stay on the porch?

Well, I'd rather not give my money to Cracker Barrel, so let's just stay out on that porch. Of course, of course.

Isn't it crazy how far VR has come these days in the year 2064?

Oh, it's incredible. I don't think I'm really this old.

Oh my god, what if, what if we're young kids in VR, but it's so immersive that we think that we're octogenarians on the porch of a cracker barrel?

I mean, I suppose anything is possible. What is reality?

What is reality? Maybe in the distance we'll hear one of our wives yelling for us to come to dinner and say, honey, you're 27, come to dinner. Oh, I'd do anything to be 27 again. I would do literally anything to be 27.

Honey, it's God. Time to die!

Jacqueline, what did I tell you about yelling at that at the Cracker Bear parking lot? It's so funny! Some of these people will die soon, Jacqueline.

It's so funny, you know it's funny. You know what I just realized? What? No! Is that we're gonna be put away or like brought to an old folks home way earlier than other people because we're just gonna be describing our improv shows to our grandkids in our 80s and they're gonna be like, oh no, he's lost it. I was like, I would go on stage and then I'd say, I'm Zumba.

No, no, I really am Eusidor, the wizard of 12th Realm of Feast.

You have to believe me.

Lock him up, lock him up. Grandpa, you sound nothing like him. Matt, I don't think I've ever asked you this. How much of a toll does that take on your vocal cords?

It's not that bad really. I don't know why. It feels like it should be because I'm screaming most of the time. It sounds very painful. Yeah, it sounds very painful. No, I don't know. I just got into a groove with it or something. I don't have any like great vocal training or singing training or anything. I mean, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and not be able to.

When I meet Magic Tavern listeners, first of all, I always tell them how nice you guys are, so you're welcome for the lie. Thank you. Yeah, thank you for lying. But I always say- I give the order. Of who's the nicest?

Yeah, I give them the order.

Mad Arnie Adal. Mad Arnie Adal. We all know it. Fuck you. But I always tell them about how Hard It Makes Me Laugh to be backstage at a Magic Tavern live show with you guys because Adal looks so comfy in his like zip up skunk suit. Arnie just puts on his polo and then I just see you in excruciating pain put on layer upon layer of everything that you're going to be sweating through in five minutes. So funny.

I for sure my own worst enemy when I commit to something that like, I'm like, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it a hundred percent. And then like, 20% into it. I'm like, why the fuck did I do this?

I'm the shouting wizard in the big robe.

There's nothing funnier at the end of a magic tavern live show than backstage. And Matt, Matt takes off his robe and he's just drenched. It looks like he fell into like a dunk tank. Like it is cartoonish, the amount of sweat that he's covered in.

But ripped.

But ripped.

But fucking ripped.

So nice and so ripped.

J.P.C., did you do, when you did the, um, the chunt snipe, did you dress up like a shark?

Oh, I can't remember your outfit. I can't imagine I did, uh, because I don't own a shark costume, so it doesn't, no, but I wasn't a shark.

He wasn't a shark, he was... I was a captain.

Oh, that's right. I did dress up like a captain, because I do have a pirate costume.

All right, that works somehow.

I do vividly remember like doing some dumb physical gag in an improv show when I was 29. I was like turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I did a dumb physical thing I threw out my back and I remember I was like there's 24 people in this audience. I did this for nothing. I did this for nothing. I'll be injured for a week and I did it for nothing.

Yeah, I've taken a lot of falls and things that I didn't, weren't worth it.

And it's always for like a 10 o'clock or midnight audience. Why are we doing that?

Don't know. Don't know. But we're not anymore.

No, I will. I'll do it.

This is real.

I fell down on the ice the other day.

Adal knows this. I slipped and I fell flat on my back in the middle of the street and then hit the back of my head.

And it was, and I popped right back up and I felt okay. And I was like, I think I'm all right. I think I'm all right. I went to the doctor anyway, the next day to make sure I was like, please double check. But I think it was the first time in my life where I was like. Oh, I'm, I'm gonna die. Yeah.

For sure. Doctor came back and was like, this can't be right. The test says that you've been dead for 16 hours. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so scary. That's like the worst kind of fall to have is slipping a knife back your head kind of fall.

I think a day later, a few days later, Matt and I recorded and I was like, and Mattie, you had sent an email or something explaining the situation and then

And you couldn't read a single fucking word in that email.

It's all winging. Which is fun.

I think Matt broke the ice. Well, that's pun not intended. But Matt broke the ice and said something along the lines of like, my personality has changed. Like I hit my head so hard my personality changed. And then I was like, oh, we're okay to joke now. And then I was like, yeah, you suddenly play piano. But there was, yeah, there was a bit where it's like we were all very worried because I think you mentioned you had to go to the hospital.

I'm so sorry that happened. That is so scary.

Did it make a noise?

Uh and it was like just like really upsetting and just like very calmly like being like I'm gonna walk home. I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna make sure everything's okay.

Did you say it was in the middle of the street too?

I was like on the I was like walking up the sidewalk so I fell back into the street.

Oh my god. I'm going to walk home. I'm going to finish my Ghostbusters Firehouse Lego set. I'm going to play... God, I wish I had a Ghostbusters Firehouse Lego set.

I never got that one. Here's what I would do. If I hit my head that hard, I would go home and I would cook up the most disgusting thing that I could. I'd eat the whole thing. And then later, if I puked, I'd be like, surely it must be the food that I ate. It was disgusting. Denial. That makes sense. Yeah, I know.

I'm not puking because of concussion. I'm puking because I made star-crunch spaghetti. Thanks, little Debbie.

Oh boy.

That's so gross.

Yeah, but it made me, it did also make me think of like all the dumb chances I've taken trying to get a laugh. And I was like, why would I hurt myself for that?

What a way to go though, in an improv show, trying to get a laugh.

Fingers crossed. Well, speaking of getting hurt, I don't know. Speaking of coming to a close, Matt, thank you so much for coming on today. You've been on our shortlist. It's so nice to finally have you on. We do want to give you an opportunity. We're going to go through plugs. We're going to give you the coveted last spot in plugs so you can think about anything and everything you want to plug. So before we get to Matt, let's start with our, we'll start with our least important plugs. JPC, do you have anything to plug?

Oh, just the same thing I always plug. You can find me at twitch.tv slash sharkbark. I'm over there playing video games. Most days of the week. Uh, Erin, do you have something that you would like to plug?

Oh, we're going nicest to least nice. I get it. I think yes. Cool. I like that.

Oh no. We call this Matt R. D. Adal Rifai.

It works. It works for us. You can follow us at sitcomdnd on Twitter and Instagram and check out Magic Tavern if you haven't. I love it so much. I've been a fan for years, way before I was ever on the show. Adal?

Yes, please, speaking of Hello from the Magic Tavern, please check out the Patreon that we have. It launched, I believe, in October, somewhere there. So it's a few months old. It's just a little baby. So you're gonna want to go to patreon.com slash Magic Tavern, I believe. And check out all the other folks.

I don't think you need that I believe part. I think that'll actually take you to something more completely different if you include that.

No, put it in I believe. Okay.

Your funeral, buddy.

Trying to help you. We have a lot of outstanding bonus content, and I believe a lot of our stuff that we had on Stitcher is slowly migrating, much like the glaciers during olden days, over to our patrons, so you're going to want to check that out. Matt Young. The glaciers were migrating. You know how glaciers do? They migrated very slowly.

They go south every winter, and then they fly back north.

Glaciers. Yeah, glaciers. That's why we have rivers. Matt Young, is there anything you'd like to plug?

Of course, hello from the Magic Tavern. As everyone said, check out the Patreon. Check out the Discord. There's a lot of fun things going on out there, and I like to pop in there in character every once in a while and dick around and ask dumb questions. And I'm also on a new podcast that just started on January 20th called Dear Earth, I'm Really Sorry, where I play Dr. Amazing. Oh, wow. It's kind of imagine if the world was coming to an end and then the person who could save it disappears and it's up to his two sort of inept children to try to save.

What was the name again? I want to check that out.

It's called Dear Earth. I'm really sorry. Amy Thorntonson came to me, who's a creator I know and a writer. And a dream. And I was like, do you want to play this role? It's a thing we've already written. And she was a fan of the show. And I was like, yeah, it sounds really cool. And it's a great cast and great scripts. And I hope we get to do more.

Cool. If you want to listen to that, there is a link to it in the episode description of this podcast. Yeah.

Cool. And Amy, I'm free to do stuff. So let me know.

Yeah, you can get Adal's contact information in a link in this podcast.

Or for me. Now, Erin, Matt's on a new podcast called Dear Earth I'm Really Sorry. You have a new podcast, not sitcom D&D, but you have another out of this world celestial podcast. Do you want to tell listeners about that?

Wish I could tell you Adal, but I gotta go.

Jupiter. Bye forever. Yeah, we're gonna go too.

Bye.

Zoom, come on. Hey, where's everybody? Quit grabbing eagles. Quit grabbing eagles. I'm gonna grab this zoom and go back to 2007 maybe.

Okay, and I'm going to try and climb atop this flamingo with a top hat.

Yeah. You killed it.

Giddy up. Oh no. Oh no. He said yeah and slit his throat. Bad news. Eagle took the podcast recording. We gotta try again.

Casey Toney did the editing, and Marty Parrott did the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardemas and Emily Nemours. Hey there quizzes and zizzes. If you like that, you are going to love this week's episode. We go back to the chatterbox and we are taking a quiz. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. And you get ad-free episodes at the Review crew tier. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.