Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Scanning face, recognizing JPC. Sit down, please. God, you shoved my face up. Fucking Xerox. What the fuck? Scanning face and laugh. Erin Keif, sit down, please.

Ow!

She had a face scanner.

Why did I get shoved in the fucking Xerox machine?

Which, do these exist anymore?

Well, you just used it, of course.

I'm so glad that you two found the new studio. Isn't it wild that it's 2022 and we have all this new technology? Say whatever you want and I can make it happen.

Room, give me a daiquiri.

Making daiquiri, virgin.

Room, give me a spot on Dax Shepard impression.

Hey, hey.

I think you pronounced it wrong. Pretty impressive, huh? Yeah, Adal, I got a question. Why do we need all this? Like, the security to get in here is wild. We get to jump over a moat filled with sharks.

Oh, yeah, sharks in there? Ah, fuck. I told them alligators. Does anybody hurt? No, I'm fine.

I don't know why I couldn't use the bridge. They said that the bridge is for paying guests and I had to jump.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought to monetize visiting the studio because it's so technologically advanced because it's just, I felt like we should just spend some of our money to upgrade because again, it's 2022 and technology is limitless. Adal? Yeah?

I love you. This is insane.

Okay. Well, you're speaking to a hologram of Adal just so you know. Oh, please. I'm still asleep.

The truth comes out.

I'm still asleep. I thought I would make it my goal to sleep through all of 2022 because I can do it. My body will let me.

You are the Rip Van Winkle of the Chicago Improv scene.

You're that limitless pill if it was a limited pill.

Oh, thank you so much.

All right, hologram. Are we ready to do an episode or what?

Oh, shit. I'm supposed to host the hologram?

Yeah. Tell me you programmed the hologram to host.

Uh, scanning code. Scanning code. Stop shoving my face in the fucking Xerox machine. I don't have any code. Scanning code. I can't help you.

How is the hologram so strong? At least let him scan his butt.

Oh, scanning butt. Scanning butt.

Okay, this is more demeaning. I don't know how, but this is way more demeaning. The hologram pants to me.

Daiquiri is ready to insert into your butt.

No, no!

Ooh, you know what? Not bad. This is Virgin, right?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Not anymore.

Oh, God. They're still funny.

I'm the hologram of Adal Rifai. I am JPC.

And I'm a Virgin Daiquiri. What's up? And this is the first Hey Riddle Riddle of the New Year. Congratulations, everybody. We did it. We made it. Well, we made it.

To a year I didn't think could possibly exist.

The best thing about every new year is that it's a new opportunity to have the worst year of your life. Yeah. Because 2020 was the worst year of my life. 2021 was somehow the worst year of my life. And 2022 can very well be the worst year of my life.

Amen. I love it. Yeah.

Well, I think it's all about mindset.

Are we okay?

No, Erin, we're not.

I broke my heart.

He muttered it into his chin.

He was like, yeah. 2021 was also the worst year of my life, but maybe I shouldn't say anything. I don't know if I need to pile on.

We're doing okay, we're doing alright.

We're all gonna, this is the year we all go crazy. Well here's the thing, all we have to do, all we have to do is put on a brave face and a smile for an hour a week, honestly like 55 minutes plus ads, and we can't do it.

No look, I'm smiling right now. Can you hear it in my voice?

Erin, you drew a smile onto your face.

Why so serious? Is that from something?

Oh no, Erin. How was everyone's holiday?

Good.

I know we're recording this before the New Year, so just lie. Just say what you want to have happened over the holiday. Hold on. Oh, no, no, no. I can do something. It was cold. Yeah, there you go. And we got our first snow in Chicago, or no?

You already got your first snow in Chicago. We already had our first snow.

We had it in, like, October, I think. Yeah. All right, calm down.

I'm going to be in Chicago. What? For Christmas. And I'm going to be in Christmas. What Chicago? Yeah, I'm going to be in Christmas in Chicago.

Is that because Sean's parents are in the suburbs?

Yeah and they're in the suburbs but his sister's in the city so we're gonna go stay with his sister and then go to the suburbs.

Doesn't his sister live at your old apartment?

She does and it's jarring. It's much cleaner and better with her there.

While you're there are you gonna try and act like you own the place?

Yeah, I stayed there for our Hey Riddle with a live show, and I was like, this is weird. I don't really feel like I can put my feet up anymore.

You went to try and sleep in the main bedroom, and she was like, what the fuck?

And then she was like, Erin, you're sleeping directly on top of me. I was like, oh, there's a person in this bedroom.

Yeah, that's wild. I don't even know what to compare that to in my own life experience. That's such a weird thing to do to go spend the night in your old apartment.

It's really strange, but it was a great holiday and you know what? I'm putting this out there. I won Sean's family's foosball competition. It was my year and I won.

Not a chance.

Some of them are professional level good at foosball, but I manage with a little bit of heart and a lot of work. I managed to pull out a win this year and everyone cheered.

Adal, do you want to make something fucking heroic that you did for Christmas? Yeah, both my cats Don't do that! And I did not give any more follow-up information.

No! You can't speak that into the universe.

Not she died, or just that she was killed.

I like how you're saying it like it's a thorn in your side. Don't get me started.

How are your dogs? Can you believe it? She was killed. We'll never understand it.

Unbelievable. No, I had a wonderful holiday. All my dreams came true. I got every present I wanted. And the New Year, well, you all know that New Year's Eve to me is the bane of my existence. It's the worst holiday ever.

It's my favorite holiday. Let's chat.

It's the worst. All anybody does is try and figure out where like the best place to be is and therefore everybody misses out on being at the best place. Wow.

That's my dream wedding is I want to get married in New Year's Eve. Because how excited would you be if you had a wedding that night? You'd be like, Great, I have somewhere I gotta be. I'm gonna dress up, I'm gonna laugh and dance.

I do think that that would give that day purpose to me and then I would be excited. So I do agree with that actually.

Adal, from now on you're spending New Year's Eve with me.

Wow.

Okay. I'm great at that holiday. I make it not sad.

Erin just party hops all night and Adal has the fucking worst time.

I'd never introduce you to anyone. I just immediately start talking to my friends and you're sort of just there.

Yeah, I'm sure Sean will be thrilled when there's a romantic dinner for three.

Oh wait, I'm sorry, so Gemma was not doing anything for years.

Gemma works every New Year's Eve.

Oh yeah, that's true.

Adal, come on.

Well hey Adal, you used to work every New Year's Eve, right? Would you do the New Year's Eve World News show?

I used to do the World News Tonight show on New Year's Eve because I'd never had a significant other in town so I would just do the show. I love working.

The improv show New Year's Eve was fun.

Did you say sad real quick? No man. I thought you said sad.

Nah man.

I heard you.

Nah dude. You're both engaged now. You'll never be sad again. Come on. Adal, for real. I didn't know you didn't like New Year's. Come on. Come be with me. We'll go to Tiki Bars.

Erin, don't threaten this because I'll take you up on it.

I know, and technically the past is the future and the days of future passed.

I'm sorry?

The winter soldier. You gotta come to New Year's. If you wanna come this year, you can't.

That should be a new tradition. Every New Year's Eve, everybody dresses up with a metal arm. Japes, you had a good idea with the tinfoil around the arm. Oh yeah. You're gonna have a winter... I can't remember.

What was the putt on that though? I can't remember. Winter Solstice? I don't know.

Sean and I have an inside joke. If I pretend I all of a sudden understand a movie halfway through, we go, wow, he really was a winter soldier.

Fantastic.

Just faking it till you make it.

I'm glad we all have the perfect holidays. I'm glad we all have the best start ever to the new years of 2022. Really breaking into it. Legally, we still have to do riddles, even though it is 2022, and we thought riddles would be obsolete.

I'm sorry, where?

We thought riddles would be obsolete. We thought when we started this podcast riddles would no longer exist in 2022, but unfortunately they do, so we do have to continue to do them.

I think that riddles in a way are like fossil fuels and that we all know that we shouldn't be using them, but we can't stop because that's the whole economy is based on this.

And there are millions of gallons of riddles underneath Saudi Arabia.

Yeah, and all dinosaurs used to be riddles. And most words are fought over riddles. Uh-huh, yep, yes, uh-huh. In high school I was wearing a no blood for riddles shirt from high school, uh-huh, yeah.

And Britain calls them petros.

My favorite lowrider is by a band called Riddles. No, hold on.

Okay, I wanted to say something about Riddles. So I met a woman named Kat. She came to my Wet Bus improv show.

Okay, I understood, I guess, everything.

Right, great. I met Kat, and I asked her how she found Hey Riddle Riddle, because I'm always just interested. I'm like, how the heck did you find Hey Riddle Riddle? And she said, she likes riddles, and she googled riddle podcasts, and found us that way. And I went every, I've only had a couple people ever tell me that, and it breaks my damn heart every time, because they waddled up to our show going, this is going to be a riddle and puzzle podcast. And instead, it's three demons.

I don't think waddled up to me is the compliment you meant it to me. I feel like Erin only knows one word for walking and it's waddle.

Everyone waddles.

The other day I saw her hit the top of the taxi cab and say, hey, I'm waddling here.

We both waddle. Exactly. And I want to send my condolences and love for the people who got sucked into our show truly thinking and searching out. A riddle and puzzle and brain teaser podcast. Terrible. Just terrible. Can you believe that's heartbreaking?

Oh, a similar anecdote, actually, Erin, this is wild. I met a cat named Woman, and the cat said, I got too near. I got too close. It isn't like that.

Yeah, you invaded that cat space.

A similar antidote. JPC and Erin, please drink this because the daiquiri that you drank is poison.

Oh, good.

Well, obviously he put his up his butt, so... So they ended up up the same way? Uh, sure. Two at the bush, one on the stone?

You have an anal bush? We have to move on. So this is for Kat, we're gonna start doing some riddles. Yeah, Kat, these are for you. This is just for you, nobody else. So everybody else, please turn this episode off. Here we go, here's a warm-up riddle. I thought we were gonna be doing New Year's predictions.

I mean, didn't we do New Year's predictions last year?

Might have been on the Patreon. Those are different people.

That's not us. I guess, I guess find it if it's there.

What a little Hansel leading a little breadcrumb trail to a Patreon plug. Okay, here's our first. This is a warm up riddle. What is special about these words? Job, polish, herb. What is special about these words? Job, polish, herb.

You said them. Oh, Erin.

That's beautiful. Come spend the years with me, pal. They're all euphemisms for sex. Hand job, hand polish, hand herb, herb job.

Herb job? I've got some questions.

Erin, you've never put cilantro and rosemary in somebody's... Is what?

In somebody's what? Hello?

Into it, onto it, whatever.

Put cinnamon sugar on my tits and let's go for a ride, everybody.

What? What's up? Erin, we can't start the year off by making a t-shirt. We can't make a brand new shirt at the very first episode of the year.

I decided I'm not censoring myself anymore.

Hold on, let me see if I have this right. Put cinnamon sugar on my tits and let's go for a ride.

Yeah, then I said everybody.

Well, that's what I'm saying to every Uber driver that I come across. Are you Adal? Let's start passenger Adal Rifai.

Herb, job.

Herb, job, and hand?

Polish. Polish or polish? Sorry, polish.

Polish. Job, polish, and herb. What is special about these words?

Is it something to do with the dictionary of like a word they come after in the dictionary?

Uh, no, but that's a very good guess.

Is it sausage, polished sausage, herb sausage, and a sausage job?

You're getting closer.

Is there one word that fits with all three of these words? Is that what they have in common type of thing?

No, they don't kind of connect with each other except for in one regard, but it's not like a word that goes before or after them.

It's not a word that goes before or after them, but they are connected.

Job Polish Herb. Does the order matter? Nope.

Is it a matter like who created them or where they're from? Is it trivia about the origin of those words?

Nope. Job Polish Herb.

I'm starting to really lose my patience here, Adal.

Erin's like, I'm trying to be nice by guessing, but I need the answer now.

It's really sweet, but I feel like I'm being really nice, but I'm... I want to see a scene.

I want to see a scene. So, JPC, you work for some company and you're doing a job interview with Erin. Erin, you think that you're absolutely nailing this job interview, but for some reason you're not getting the job offer and you're starting to really lose your patience even though you are putting on this really polite facade.

That's a great answer. Thanks so much. You're welcome. The next one is obviously more of a formality, but can you tell me about a time in your work experience that you had to make a brave decision?

I guess the time I went into my job and the day before I accidentally, everyone in my work had heard me complain about the job. Wow. And I had sent out a mass email by accident calling everyone an idiot and then I had specific insults about everyone in the office and then I came in the next day with my head held high knowing that everyone hated me. So when do I start?

The email went out accidentally, but you had pre-written insults about everyone that you worked with?

I was sending an email to myself. That's how I blow off steam. And instead I emailed it to the entire company. I wonder if I can get a desk by a window or if I could start today.

Well, I mean, in terms of salary requirements, we're open to having a conversation about this.

Yeah, we have to be paid in money. How much do you get paid?

Well, yeah, that's what I was going to bring up because your salary requirements, you just did eight dollar signs. I don't know if eight was eight an arbitrary number or were you looking for like eight figures?

Well, sure, but like I just want money and if I could be paid in cash today.

Okay.

Did she get it? Did she get the job?

Like a Python's job, Erin truly unhinged. Go to a job interview and ask him to get paid out that day. So how much is this hour of my time worth? Honestly, go for it. What is special about these words? Job, polish, herb. And I'll give you a hint. I accidentally spoiled it by saying something earlier. Don't make me think.

That's not a hint. These are all toppings for like a hamburger or a... Can I get a burger with some jab and some bearish? Nacho.

It's not like what the words mean, right? In a way it is. Their meaning can possibly change.

Oh, they all have the letter B in them.

P, I mean P. My dad is Middle Eastern and he, so English is his second language and he cannot, I don't know if this is like the universal with Middle Eastern folk or just him specifically, but he can't really say the word B. And my mom's name is Patty, so he would always, as a kid, he'd be like, Batty, Batty, and he would get like a can of Pepsi. Like, it was very weird and unique.

Oh, so he couldn't say the word pea. He said peas as bees.

Yes. So I don't know if that's like a thing of like in Arabic, there's no pea sound or something? I don't know.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But it always stuck with me that he couldn't say my mom's name.

I wonder when I got divorced.

He could, but just in his own way.

Or maybe he was just calling her baddie.

I would like a hint.

Yeah, I don't know. I'll give you a hint. Let's see here. Springfield, Sacramento. I want to say... I want to say... Why are we saying cities? Austin? I want to say... Why do you want to say Austin? Tell me why you want to say Austin. I think me struggling to think of certain cities should also be a hint. These aren't capitals, are they? Well, those are capitals. Those are capitals. So, we're not talking about cities though, we're talking about these three words. Job. Polish. Herb. And with Polish, I already kind of ruined the answer. Polish. Yeah? So how did we get from Polish to Polish? And thinking along the lines of Sacramento and Austin and Springfield.

Capitalizing all of these changes what they mean?

Yes! Ding ding ding ding! They are pronounced differently when the first letters capitalize. Job becomes Job, Polish becomes Polish, and Herb becomes Herb.

Well then fine.

What?

Then fine, okay? Okay.

Erin, why are you so mad?

What's podcast off of me? Get it off of me!

Erin, this stink will never come up. You're whole life, you will always have been out of haver of a room. I got something to say.

I got something to say. If you spell your name J-O-B, my man, your name's Job, your name's Job. If you spell your name H-E-R-B, your name is Erwin.

What if Job is from the Bible?

Yeah, well, N is equal for 25. They don't. Somebody gets a hand, Job.

Get it off me. Ew, ew, ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew. I refuse to call anyone named Job anything but Job. Just don't call me late for dinner. Turn me on my side and I am everything. Cut me in half and I am nothing. What am I? Is this like an hourglass? Um, in a way. Oh, good. Time. I rest my case. It's not Kate Winslet in Titanic. Turn me on my side and I am everything. Cut me in the half and I am nothing. What am I? Hourglass is not far off, but it's not, uh... Is it an object?

Um... Is it time?

It's more of an idea. It was... Love. When it's on its side, it does have to deal with time to some degree. Turn me on my side and I am everything. Cut me in half and I am nothing. What am I?

a car. Oh yeah, when that magician cut you in half and you're like, I can't sleep a wink. I don't know if I'm ever going to see my feet again.

Actually, Erin, little known fact in the GPC, the brains are in the feet.

We'd love to do a magic school bus tour of your body and like shrink down and then go through your nose and just see where everything is because it's definitely not in the right order.

At the magic school bus of my body, there'd be like a lot of empty space in here. And your heart's in your throat.

Can I make a guess? Bladder in the head? Bladder instead of brain? Bladder where the brain is?

Seeming in the ears? Bladder Where the Bright is, Steven Production, so testes of the ears.

Yes. Testes, testes. Is this thing on? Turn me on my side, I am everything. Cut me in half, I am nothing. What am I? So think about... Is it a word? Yes, in terms of... there's a word for this idea. Oh, okay. So think about everything. What's another term for everything?

Oh, is it a circle or a hole?

You're on the right chocolate circle. A zero? Like turn me on my side and I'm nothing. Zero is part of the answer, technically.

A hundred, a hundred.

Cut me in half and I'm what? A hundred. I am nothing. So cut me in half and I'm nothing. You're right, zero is nothing. So you're right, you're on the very good track right there. So think about a zero. That's part of the answer.

Oh, eight, eight, eight, eight. Bingo bingo hot ta ta for number eight.

If you turn me on my side I'm everything the infinity symbol cut me in half I am nothing zero. Very good job.

I would like to see a scene and you can pick whatever personalities they have. JPC you're the number eight and Adal you're the number nine and you guys are just talking.

Holy shit. Yeah. Oh my god. I know you thought that seven ate me. I thought seven ate you. Yeah I didn't. I got away.

You got away? Yeah. Oh my, I'm sorry man, I know, I took off. But I thought you were a goner.

Yeah, kinda fucked up our whole lives. You've been sort of a shield between us and then you just fucking scrambled away.

He had you. He had you. I'm sorry, are you holding this against me? Uh, you know what I am. You wouldn't have done the same, hold on, hold on. You wouldn't have done the same fucking thing. If Seven had me, not like he's gonna get me, he had me. You wouldn't have done the same fucking thing?

I wouldn't have done it.

Five's here!

Quick, flip me over. Use me like a golf club. Beat the shit out of the seven. Let's do this, nine. Oh, or a shotgun. Yeah, I look like a shotgun. I've never golfed.

And then they fight. And they all die. Cause no one wins when there's violence. Scene.

When numbers fight, nobody wins. One, two, three, four, five, six, ten.

Oh no. What happened here?

What we do in scenes matters.

What we're doing seems to matter!

What we're doing here is important. Shit.

Oh God. Six, ten. It keeps happening!

Okay, here's, we're gonna do one more warm-up Riddle. No matter how little or how much you use me, you change me every month. What am I?

A calendar.

Shower head. Damn! Erin, it is a calendar!

Wanna know how I know that?

Marie Callender's?

Nope, I was just thinking that I gotta get my 2022 calendar today and I'm wondering if they're sold out. I get a specific calendar every year and I forgot to buy mine.

I use my entire life I've used like daily planners like the spiral kind of notebook daily planner thing I've never had an uh maybe as a kid I had one but as an adult I've never had like an actual wall calendar is that you actually have a wall calendar?

I have a wall calendar and my mom has the same one and then we always talk about like hey what do you think of the art on this month's calendar?

And by art you mean the sexy fireman?

I get a calendar. It's the same calendar yet every year and it's just a it's every month is a different burned-out building that could have been saved if a hunky fireman was there instead of taking a fucking picture.

Yeah, the day of the photo shoot there's just like 400 arsons just running loose.

Do I have enough time to make this calendar before this episode comes out? No. Will I Google it? Has someone already had this idea and done it better? Yes.

Two nights ago I had a dream and I know I'm going to regret admitting this.

Oh, hey man. This isn't that kind of friendship. Whatever you thought this was, you're... No, it's not. I need to unload this on someone.

Two years ago I had a dream that I became like a superhero. I think it's because I had tickets to go see Spider-Man tonight. Okay. So I had a dream that I was like a superhero who had like flight and strength and everything. Basically like Superman. But in the city there was no villain. So I just like did nothing. And there was a part where it's like I caught a robber or something and hit him and I don't think they died or anything. But I remember people were like, what are you doing? I'm like there's no I'm Because typically right when somebody becomes a superhero, there's also a villain who's like beginning, just starting to like work their evil... Equal reaction. Yeah. So, I don't know.

I told you I had a roommate once and it was like noon, he was playing video games and he fell out of his chair and he started laughing and I was like, why are you laughing? And he was like, he told me that he had had a dream last night that he could teleport and he woke up thinking it was real. But didn't use it until he wanted to go get some cereal like four hours after waking up and then tried to teleport and fell out of his chair.

That's insane.

Pretty great. Well, speaking of teleportation, well speaking of teleportation, we're going to- Four quarter teleportions. We're going to teleport to some advertisements right now and we'll be right back with more riddles.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that binds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

Erin, it looks like you may have leaned on like with someone painting a rocket money like billboard or sign or something because it's all it's all down your back it's like and it's I could ock it ock it

People think they're spending $80 on their subscriptions when in reality, the number is closer to $200. And when you signed up for so many free trials, like streaming services, you watch one show and then you completely forget about it, you lose track and then all of a sudden you're like, why am I bleeding money? Rocket money? They take care of that for you. They go, sit back, relax, we got this. And they make everything color coded and easy and super intuitive.

You're also color-coded. A little birdie told me that Rocket Money also lets you monitor all your expenses in one place, recommends custom budgets based on your past spending, and they'll even send you notifications when you've reached your spending limits, which sounds like something my friend would like, but I forget which friend I'm so hungry for pretzels.

Speaking of pretzels, you don't get all twisted up by Salty and the bread of your finances. With over 3 million users and counting, Rocket Money customers have saved an average of $720 a year.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash r-i-d-d-l-e.

Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run.

Run. Oh, no. Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes. And bye. Hi, Adal and JPC.

Oh, greetings. Greetings, Erin. We're just- Hey, Erin. Our normal selves today. I'm just myself. I'm normal. Hey, we're both normal.

Good news. So I finally opened Erin's Land in my backyard. It's a theme park. Most of the rides work. Most are pretty safe and I'm trying to start a website so people can find out all the information they need to get into Erin's Land.

Oh, that's actually perfect Erin because this podcast is actually sponsored by Squarespace. Yeah, and it's an all-in-one, like, website platform for, you know, entrepreneurs or whatever you consider yourself to be to kind of, like, stand out online. Whether you're just starting out, which it seems like you may be, or you're trying to build a successful growing brand, Squarespace is going to make it really easy for you to create a beautiful website, Erin.

Yeah, and Erin, if you want Erinland, I think is what you call it, to have stuff like custom merch. You can do that. You can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. You design your products and production, inventory, shipping, all of it, handled for you, saving you time and money.

So, I mean, real quick, just because I'm looking around at Erinland, I'm just gonna say what I think Erinland is from what you're presenting.

Sure.

So right now it looks like Erinland is a lot of goo.

Mm-hmm. Great eye.

Okay, so I'm right about goo, so it's a lot of goo. So, are you trying to sell this goo? Because if the goo is for sale, then Squarespace does have an online store. We can sell your products online, whether it's physical, like this goo, digital, like I imagine you have some digital goo or photos of people seeing the goo for the first time. Yeah, Squarespace has what you need. It has the tools to start selling online.

I'm looking forward to using it because I can use insights to grow my business. I can learn when site visits and sales are coming in and coming from to analyze which channels are most effective. I can improve my website and build a marketing strategy based on your top keywords like goo or most popular products and content like goo.

Huh, it's kinda eating through my shoes, it's starting to burn. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin, I just got some great analytics from Squarespace. It says people don't like goo. Huh.

Yay! I'm in a lot of debt now.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey everybody, this is GPC.

I'm here too.

Yeah, Erin's here as well. And it's with a heavy heart that we kind of do this ad read because one of our own, Mr. Adal Rifai, is not with us.

He is unfortunately stuck in a cat costume. They're calling it a medical phenomenon. And a disaster, but we're going to soldier on. We're going to be brave today. I do want to talk to my better help therapist a little later about what this has done in my nervous system.

We're going to need that, yep.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with your licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Conventional therapy where you have to drive to an office never really worked well for me. Like today, I get to send my therapist a message saying, you know how Adal loves to dress up like a cat, and sometimes he gets stuck. Well, this time he might... Be somewhere.

Erin, let's not think like that. Let's not think like that, okay? Because that's a negative spiral, and that's going to lead us to needing more better help. I mean, if you think that conventional therapy is the only way to do therapy, then I beg of you. Have one of your best friends in this world get stuck in a cat costume, and they can't find where the zipper starts. I don't know if we mentioned that, but that's one of the biggest problems. It's all zipped up.

Okay, so get a break from your thoughts like this.

Intrusive thought. Bad.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Oh, Erin, speaking of 10% off, this is actually good news. I just got a text from the medical staff. It looks like the cat costume is 10% off. So 90% to go pray for our friend.

It's not enough. It's not enough. It's barely the toes. It's not enough for him to have a normal life. I'm having a great time.

Well, Erin, fall is officially here, which means it's time to get into our fall routines. And there's nothing that I love more than using my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to some classic fall music. I'm sorry, I want to do this. I just can't do this because I know that my friend Adal is stuck in a full body cat costume and that includes

fabric over the ears and I know he can't use his Raycon wireless earbuds and it just no you can do this you started so well you're being very brave Raycon gives you up to eight hours of playtime and 32 hour battery life and they are so good and smooth and the optimized gel tips they feel like butter in your ears

All Adal wanted was eight hours of playtime and now he's gonna have an eternity of playtime except we're not playing games anymore because he's really stuck in that suit.

Hey here, I'll distract you. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 78,000 five-star reviews and they're priced just right. You get quality audio for half the price of other premium audio brands.

I wish we were able to give all of our listeners quality audio but I just know in my heart That with the big guy all sewn up in that suit, it's just not gonna be possible to have the same quality of audio that we normally deliver. I can't stop making the ad, which is supposed to be about Raycon earbuds, that you love, that I love! I can't stop making it about my friend who's trapped in that cat costume.

No, no, no. Remember? There's like noise isolation and you can do three customizable sound profiles just completely suited to you. Hi Fidelity Audio, come on JPC, we can do this.

They also have an awareness mode and I've heard that Adal is now stuck in permanent awareness mode because he's aware of all of his cat-like appendages and he's starting to forget what it feels like to be a man because he is going to be only cat from here on out.

I just wish that the doctors didn't tell us how much pain he was in. So anyways, school's back in session, which means Raycon is having their annual back-to-school sale. For a limited time only, go to buyraycon.com slash riddle today to get 20% off site-wide. Plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to score 20% off. buyraycon.com slash riddle. Oh, Adal.

Erin, it's wild that you said 20% off. Because I just got a text from his medical team and it looks like the cat costume.

The costume's 20% back on.

Yes, he's really buried himself in it.

We miss you boy, get better soon! I miss you Adal!

And we're back in Walsovan.

Oh!

And we'll be on the Grand Promenade. Hold on, I'm on the phone with the Xerox guy. No, J.P.C., I might be somewhat of a sentimental gentleman, but I believe we're all Southern now.

Yeah, not a dream last night. I'd love to tell you about it in great detail.

Hold on, guys. I'm on the phone. No, I didn't break it. It broke.

Well, J.P.C., did you want to put down the phone and join in on the Southern charm? It's fun.

What do you mean you can track what kind of scans were on it? No. First of all, how do you know it's my ass?

Oh, this PK-Amberto's delicious.

Okay, so you googled KPCS and it was all over that.

Hey Erin, I think I think JPC is going to win.

$1,200? This is bad. Wow, that's an expensive prom dress. Good luck, buddy. I don't know. Yeah, I would say no. Set boundaries.

Anyway, sorry, I had to help that guy.

I had to help that guy. He was telling me about his, uh, his daughter wants an expensive prom dress, but I don't know. I mean, just like, yeah, she could work for it, right?

$1,200 for a prom dress is way too overpriced. That's a lot. You only wear a prom dress.

How many times are you going to wear a prom dress? Once. Well, I mean, you could probably go to multiple proms.

Well, once, but a bunch if you do an improv Christmas show every year in your 20s.

Excuse me?

And then you wear your prom dress every year for that.

JBC, did you want to be Southern for a little bit, or were done with that?

Sorry, I was on the phone with a Xerox guy. What were we doing? Uh, being Southern. Riddles! Okay, but why? Because we're out of ideas. Okay, I hung up the Xerox call for this. I bet I could have helped that guy with the prom dress. It doesn't matter. I'm not mad. I'm not bad. I'm disappointed.

How much should you spend on a prom dress? Well, I feel like the most, most, most you should be spending is $200. Wait, what? Oh, okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. She didn't get a summer job. Well, then I don't know. Maybe like $90?

Ellen, did you want to get off the floor and eat some boiled peanuts?

He's Xeroxed. What? Okay, okay. I'm gonna hang up their phones. I'm gonna hang up their phones.

Hold on, hold on. I'm getting a call. There's no... What is this? What?

Wait, me too.

I'm on the phone. I think you have the wrong number. What are you saying? You're gonna do what to me? Dude. Dude, is this a joke? Knock it off. This isn't fun. Oh, oh my god. It's Liam Neeson. He says I have his daughter. I swear to god.

Adal, why don't you get off the phone?

I swear to God, I didn't kidnap his daughter. It was Liam Neeson? Not the character he played? No. You're fucked, miss. He said he's coming for me. He's got money. That's the scariest thing of all.

Well, let's try and get through some episodes so we have some banked in case he comes after me. Yeah, in case the inevitable happens. Okay, so let's get back to Riddles here. How can eight plus eight equal four?

How can eight plus eight equal four?

Yep. Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay. And I'm surprised this riddle exists in this new world where

So it's not E-I-G-H-T. It's A-T-E. So each one of those, eight and eight, three letters. But if we use numerology, A equals one, T equals 13, E equals seven, 21. So 21 times 2 is 42 divided by 6 is 4. So... I'll give it to you. Great! Wow!

Just because I don't want to deal with it.

Okay, is it like one negative or something? But that doesn't make any sense because then that would be zero.

Yeah, there's no negative going on. How can eight plus eight equal four? So it is eight and eight and it is four in terms of like the idea of numbers. But there's another layer to this. So think about where numbers are used and how. I think this is something you said earlier that was a wrong answer for a previous riddle, but it's correct here.

Huh. Eight plus eight is four. And this is E-I-G-H-T, like the number eight plus the number eight equals the number four. Is that right? Time.

Eh, there you go.

So how is it? I am a clock. Oh yeah, because clocks hit 12.

So it's eight o'clock plus eight hours is four. Yes. When you think in terms of time, eight a.m. plus eight hours equals four o'clock. Interesting. Assuming you don't cross any tide zones. I want to see a scene. Erin, you are the hour hand. JVC, you are the minute hand. And you are X's and you exist on the same clock.

Slow down.

What do you mean slow down, okay?

Slow down. I cannot keep up.

I haven't seen you in, I haven't seen you in like fucking years. It feels like years since I've seen you.

It's been like an hour, okay? It's been like an hour, okay.

How, you look well?

You look tall.

Thank you.

How secondhand?

That was just a fling.

Answer the question.

That was so, it was a fling.

How long were you guys together?

I, who even knows, okay? But it's over.

Whatever.

Until it's not. It's weird with secondhand.

Whatever.

How are you doing? You look well.

Are you seeing anyone? Yeah, I've been trying my best to reach one of the numbers, but I'm very short, as you know. But I'm happy. I love being single, and I like love- Stay away from seven.

Why? I just want to throw it out. Everybody knows seven's bad news. Stay away from seven.

I don't know. I heard that seven's pretty good at sex. Why would I stay away from seven? Hey, see you guys in a bit. Hi secondhand, how are you?

Don't do that. Don't do that to secondhand. No, because it's fucking insincere. Whatever. Because you know that we had a thing. Don't do it.

Okay, I'm sorry I moved so slow. And you move fast and you want an exciting life where you do a lot and you go out a lot and you do so much. And I'm sorry that I take my time. Okay? See you in an hour.

I'm thinking about... What? I'm thinking about going digital.

What?

Yeah, I mean, this whole thing, this rigmarole, me and secondhand, me and you, I mean, it's just like, what is this? What is any of this? Maybe I just go digital and it just fucking put it all to bed, you know?

This is for the high that we all get when we're all at 12. Twice a day, we ride that high. It's amazing.

I fucking hate it at 12, okay?

Hey, see you all in a bit! Hi, missy!

Okay, we did just have sex.

Oh my god.

Sloppy second hands. Sloppy second hands. There's a song in there somewhere. Let's do another riddle. What fastens two people yet touches only one? What fastens two people yet touches only one? Unbelical Korm. That's a good guess, but I believe Unbelical Korm, not a doctor, but I believe Unbelical Korms touch both parties.

One part touches the placenta. That's nothing. Okay, so this is a riddle, correct?

This is a riddle.

You have to tell me if it's a riddle.

Legally. Legally it's a riddle. What fastens two people, yet touches only one? It fastens two people. What touches only one?

Engagement ring.

Engagement ring. Yes, it's a wedding ring. Wow. Pretty good.

Yeah. Fastens. I did it. I would like to see a scene.

That's kind of gross. I don't love that.

JPC, you are the best man, and Adal, you are the ring bearer, and JPC, you're making sure the ring bearer doesn't fuck anything up before the ceremony. You really want him to do a good job.

Okay. Listen, you little fucking shit. I don't care whose nephew you are. No, you shut your fucking mouth. Stop shaking me.

I won't. I'm not paint.

Look, I worked at Sears for 30 years. I know how to shake a paint. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit what happened to that company, it all went down the trade.

You better not... You better not... What's that? Was it brighter side or lighter side?

Brighter side.

Come see the bright... Oh, it was brighter? Yeah. Okay. How do you remember that? How old are you? 14, sir. I've seen the commercials on YouTube. Okay, good. And there's a TikTok going around where people dance to that.

Hold on, what, really?

Wait. They do a dance to the Sears jingle. Can you show me? Yeah. Come see the brighter side of Sears.

That's my dance.

Huh?

That's my dance. There's a TikTok of my dance?

Yeah. Hold on, let me check my phone.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

My dance is going viral.

FrostyLix69 made it up and it's gone viral.

Oh god. I bet I can get on Fallon. I bet I can get on Fallon. Who? Holy shit. Okay. Who's Fallon? How do I get out of here? Who's Fallon? You mean Colin Jost? I can get on Jost! I can get on Jost! Hold on, I gotta get out of here. Okay, you have to cover for me. Okay, your new job. You're the best, man. No, I'm famous now. I'm famous. It doesn't matter. I gotta get out of this wedding. This wedding's gonna hold me down. I can't be tied to this. Colin Jokes might be my friend. He might need a friend. What did him and Scarjo talk about? Wow, electric guitar. That's amazing.

Hold on, give me a call.

Hello? Oh my god, it's Fallon.

Why is whoever you're talking to laughing every three seconds? Oh, it's that. Okay.

Just put the bottle down. Just put the bottle down there. Just walk away.

He is a drinking problem. Oh, whoops, I'm getting a ring here.

Yeah, okay, very funny. You put the ring in your ear. Put it back in the butt.

It fell in.

It fell in. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

All right, we're starting. We're starting. Oh, I feel it in my throat. Are those two things connected? Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, this feels awful.

That depends. Do you have a regular body or a JPC body?

What? And shoving you down the aisle? Don't call me that.

Don't call me that. Don't call me that. Okay, I tried to keep track of the ring. Get a magnet. Get a strong magnet.

Hey, don't mouth off to the priest. If the priest wants to call you dumb, okay, I'll get a magnet. I'll get a magnet. You just chill.

Now drop it in my ear. Okay.

Go again.

It got it. Did you connect the magnet to a string?

Okay, first of all, you gotta tell me if you want more than just a magnet. This is real, uh, swallowed the spider to catch the fly type of situation, huh?

Now, what attracts a magnet? And don't say another magnet. Sexy lady magnet? Yes! Magnet and a dress? Put lipstick on a magnet. Put lipstick on a magnet.

Alright, so I have your x-ray here. And I gotta tell you, this is a real swallow-the-fly situation.

I'm sorry, doctor. Me and Ray broke up three months ago. It is inappropriate for you to call Ray up here and bring him into the- You didn't change your emergency contact.

Ray? You have to update it. You think I like being here?

I got your x-ray here.

I gotta give Asher Pearlman a text on how to make that in New Yorker. Oh yeah, there you go. Were we in the middle of it? No, we solved that one. I don't know.

Is it a ring?

I mean, were we in the middle though? Yeah, maybe. I think we solved it. So here's something I want to ask you to. I trust you too. You're my wedding party. If I walk down the aisle to Monster Mash, is that going to be disruptive? To who? It's your wedding.

It's a graveyard smash.

I knew I loved you too.

Yeah, it's a graveyard smash.

It's so important to me to have friends who set me up to fail miserably.

Hey Adal, I'm going to look so hot at your wedding. No one's going to be looking at you anyhow.

Erin, are you going to wear, are you wearing like a Diane Keaton pantsuit?

Yeah, I am.

How was Adal's wedding?

He did the mesh.

He did the monster mesh. The monster mesh? No, everyone hated it.

No, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've seen great beard smash here.

Okay, let's get into some more riddles here, purely for Cat. What kind of running means walking? What kind of running means walking?

When you're running for president.

Okay, Erin, can you explain? Please, Erin, please. Okay, if you have, quote-unquote, the runs, you don't want to make a big deal out of it. You want to say, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. And then you want to walk very calmly to the bathroom. And as soon as that door closes, you're ripping your pants off.

Have you ever had that, have you ever had that run where it's like it's, it's coming and you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's the funniest look in the world. There's nothing funnier to me than either being in that situation and thinking back on it or seeing someone else in that situation.

I'm standing 15 feet away and waiting for this to be over. Just give me a little wave when it's done, okay?

In that situation, I've seen some people do some pretty conical runs, but that's insane. It's all about willpower. You don't need to change yourself physically.

Use your willpower. Horsepower, baby. What kind of running means walking? Let's see.

I'm just going to run to the store real quick, but I'm actually just going to walk there.

So you lied to someone and didn't take your time?

No one made them really running to the store.

Did either of you do track and field? No.

I tried out and I didn't like it, and I quit immediately.

I was, I did... She could have just said no, but she chose to tell the story.

No, I guess I did it for a week.

Failure. Oh, how'd you do?

Terribly. I didn't like it one bit. And I was like, no.

I had a very weird body, so I did the 200... Ad! I did the 200 meter dash. I also ran the 800 and then I threw shot foot because I'm built very weirdly.

I'll check that to me, I get it. It's called podcast your body.

Pod Bob.

Pod Bob.

It's like that bod but worse. What kind of running means whacking?

Oh, I, uh, if you get like a home run you just have to walk. You don't have to like, you don't have to actually run those bases.

That's a really good answer, JPC.

That's a phenomenal answer, but not, uh, not in... I would like to see a scene.

I do want to see a scene. Oh no, no, it's too late. I'm so sorry. JPC, you are a guy who just hit a home run and you're really milking it. When you get around it, you're just like walking real slow, you're really making a meal out of it.

Okay, okay. And there's Williams with the swing. Oh, it's out of here! Going, going, gone! That is 378 feet.

Oh my god! Is that a home run? Is that a home run? Uh, yeah. Go ahead. That is? Yep. We can be sure. Yep. Okay, so I take the basis.

Williams seems to be having a conversation with the ump.

I take the basis, huh? Yeah. Okay. Uh, hold on real quick before I start walking. Um, catcher. You're talking a bunch of shit right before I hit that ball. You got anything to say now? No. I mean, no. I actually got something for you.

Oh, and he's taking out his phone. He's taking a selfie with the catcher.

I'm gonna send this to your wife. I'm gonna send this to your wife. So that's what a home run baseball player is. Come on man, just go. You've never seen anything like this. Fuck you both. Fuck you both. Fuck me? Yeah, you held me down for too long. What are you gonna do? Take the run away? It's impossible. I already hit it. I'm walking.

I'm going. Oh man, go.

I'm going. Oh, big struts. Big struts. Howard Williams is down on his belly and he's crawling on his hands and knees as if he's half asleep.

I'm the alligator man. I'm going to first base. Hey. Anyone in the audience? Anyone in the audience in this baseball game? $100 to bring me a Pepsi right now. I give you a crisp $100 bills to bring.

And it seems like Williams thinks that the stands can hear him. Of course, he's too far away. $100 bill.

Dude, I'm the first baseman and it took you way too long to get over here. Just go. Go, dude.

You're the first baseman? Try hard and maybe you'll get laid one day, pal. Boom! I actually got some of here. So mean.

Williams took out a cordless mic and seems to be telling slams and jokes about the first baseman.

What is it, man?

It's a selfie. You're gonna send this to your wife. Maybe she'll see what it's like to have a home run baseball player at home.

Anyway. This is so mean.

You're a clown. See you later. I touch the base. Walk into second.

Well, when Williams is taking a Nutrigrain bar out of his pocket, it seems like he stopped for a little snack between first and second. He's taking out a Capri Sun.

Stay hydrated. You gotta stay hydrated.

Looks like he can't find the... He can't find purchase into the Capri Sun. We all know we have trouble with that.

They make the goddamn thing so fucking hard to find... Ah!

Got it! And the crowd is blowing wild for William's finding purchase in the Capri Sun. He's moonwalking the second.

Oh, yeah. Don't respect the artist, but do respect the art form, just so everybody knows.

I cannot believe how long it took you to get to second base, dude. Just go.

Just go what? Go to your wife's house? Go to your wife's house? Let me give you a little selfie. Send that to her. Okay, what's your number? I don't have your number.

And William seems to be fueling up the second baseman. I feel like it's some sort of joke about getting to second base, but the crap is going wild.

He's gonna get this all the time. I get it, I get it. It's funny. Now go.

He gets the joke? Alright, okay. To third then?

Yeah, go. Get out of here, man.

Quick stop to home plate. Punch the pitcher in the dick.

And the stands are starting to empty. People are treating this as if Paul McCartney's playing his new stuff.

Alright, I'm going to third. I'm going to third. Don't worry about it. Going to third. Actually, I'm going to do a quick run. Get a hot dog. I'm going to get a hot dog. So give me one second. Hey, save my spot.

Just kidding. Can you get me a hot dog, man?

Yeah, I'll get you a hot dog. Let me just take a picture.

William's just putting down a corner almost like he's golfing and moving his ball out of the way.

I'll get you a hot dog to take a selfie. Say that to your wife. There's a hot dog right there.

Hotdog, baseball player.

You're hungry? You're hungry? Well, I got two hotdogs right here.

And Williams is eating two hotdogs at the same time. He's getting inside a Mitsubishi Lancer and he's driving donuts around the third basement.

Dude, please! I take these Lancer keys, I whip a bit at the audience, someone just wants a Lancer. That guy just wants a Lancer. Okay, touch third. Ain't going to home?

Oh, looks like Williams is leaving the stadium. Oh, he's walking a few blocks to, I believe, where his condominium resides. He's putting the keys in the door. He can't find purchase in the lock.

Come on, motherfucker. They make you think so. God damn hard to fu- Oh, there it is. Wait a minute!

What's that? The ump is- The ump is telling us that it was actually a foul ball. That didn't count at all.

Folks, I'm sorry that I missed that.

I'm gonna resign today.

I'm already home, I'm not going back. Turn off all the lights.

Insert reviews have ruined baseball. I don't think baseball has insert reviews. Couldn't care. Couldn't care. I feel like I've been to so many baseball games, but I feel like it's the least exciting thing to watch.

Oh my god, I love baseball games. I love getting a hot dog and a cider and just chilling out.

It's fun to go with friends and dick around, yeah. I think that they're exciting when exciting shit is happening. That's like energetic, but for so much of baseball games, it's just like nobody's hitting. That's another strikeout. Then the other team picks the field, and it's another strikeout.

The other team picks it, and it's like... It's wild that one of the biggest things you can hope for is for there to be a no-hitter, which is where nothing happens.

Nothing fucking happens, yeah.

It's the only game where the defense has the ball.

I love going to games to see the Cubs and the Red Sox. Those just have the best vibes. Any time I've gone to another baseball game, I'm like, oh, the stadium is boring and then it sucks. But I like a place with a little history to it.

I think those are the only two original stadiums in baseball because all the other ones I think got torn down and moved to the outskirts of every town for the most part. Have you been to a Dodger game or Angels or anything?

I've been to a Yankees game. Didn't care for it.

But not in California.

No, I haven't been to a Dodgers game. Sean went to one. Seems like he has fun. Let's go run a New Year's Eve. Are you coming or what?

I did watch a video that a friend sent to me that was 2021 MLB worst swings, and there is something very funny about watching people who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars just doing so poorly at their job.

It is funny that like the best of the best of the best baseball players like Mike Trout or Barry Bonds or whoever, they hit the ball three out of ten times. And they were like absolute the pinnacle of success in baseball.

I would love to know what it feels like to hit a home run, like in your body.

Great. That must feel really cool. I hit one in like a friends game in high school. It felt amazing. And it felt like I didn't put any power behind it and it just like hit the bat so perfectly and it got lost in like the woods. It felt incredible.

What I would give.

What a jolt of thrill.

My firstborn son, I think. Anyone's willing to make that deal.

What kind of running means walking?

Oh God, this. Okay. This again? Hint.

Give me a hint. So before... before... Let's see. What kind of running means walking? So even before running and walking in this instance, you're actually sitting. So the order would go sitting, running, walking.

So wait.

So what can happen while you're sitting that would cause you to start walking?

I'm sitting at the bar, this fucking dope-ass fucking idiot next to me starts fucking running his mouth, and my friend goes, just walk away. And I go, I will walk away. And I walk to the door of the bar, and then what do I do? I lock the door, and I say, you're done motherfucker. And then I turn around, and that guy beats the shit out of me. That guy whips my candy ass all across that bar. He's putting me on the bar, he's sliding me down the whole thing, all the fucking drinks are splashing in my face. I shouldn't have never fought that guy.

Is that the answer?

Is that the answer? That is, yeah. Yes! Word for word. Two answers. Sitting, running, walking.

Yeah, and the sitting was my hint, but the original riddle is what kind of running means walking. But in this instance, you're sitting first, doing something. You're sitting, but you're actively involved in some activity.

I got it.

Then you're running, and then because of the certain type of running, you now have to walk.

So, here's what it is. You're sitting, Erin, I'm sorry, you're defecating, you're doing a number two, then you get up, the water is running as you wash your hands, and then you're walking out of the bathroom proudly declaring, nothing weird happened in there. It's the normal one that I do. It's a piss!

I get pissed!

From my face because my bladder's in my head. What's going on Adal? What's the answer? I would like to just know it.

Let me say when you're sitting, your hands and feet are actively engaged.

Hands and feet?

Yeah. So what kind of sitting are you doing when your hands and feet are actively engaged? Like a bike, but different. So what are some of the things that are like a bike but different?

Like working out?

Well, possibly, but think of different modes of transportation.

Using a scooter.

That's pretty much a bike.

Scooters is both.

A boat. But on land. Closer, but something on land.

A boat, but on land. Sir!

That's a Cadillac. Are you driving a car? You are driving a car. So how are you driving a car?

I don't use my feet.

And then there's something going on with running, and then that means walking. The car is running? In this instance, it's actually not running because something happened that involves running.

I don't. So, wait. So the car runs out of gas and you have to run to get gas? Yes. That's it. And then walk back. My boy. Marty, you did it. I don't get it though. What's the answer? Running out of gas. Running out of gas.

What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas because then you have to walk your ass to the gas station.

Okay, that's fine.

Did I ever tell you about a friend of mine? I won't blow up their spot on the podcast by saying their name. They got picked up at the airport by their in-laws, and then their in-laws ran out of gas driving home, and they had to walk to get gas. And it was like, it immediately takes the nice gesture of picking someone up from the airport and fucking kicks it into the fucking sun.

Turns into a nightmare. It kicks it into the sun. Shit like that all the time. Can I tell you something? Sean told me recently that he goes like, you really, you just care too much about taking care of other people but usually you just like make it worse because you are like trying to help and I try to help so much and I just end up making it a bigger chore for everyone involved.

I want to see a scene. I can see that. Erin, you are driving your car and it is just on the precipice of empty. JBC, you are a hick hiker who... hick hiker. Works for me. You're in the south, you're a redneck hiker. I'm going to a national park. You're a hiker who Erin picks up and then you're both in a bad situation.

Hey, jump on in. Don't mind the birds.

No, never do. Oh, very funny. Two middle fingers. Very funny. Come on in. No, thank you so much for picking me up. I know people are weird about hitchhikers.

No worries. Wichita, where are you going, pal?

Wichita. Oh, great. I'll basically go as far as you can take me west and that's great.

No, that's great. I'm going to the exact same place. This worked out awesome. Any preference on music?

God, they'll lay a Miserables soundtrack.

I got that for ya. Holy shit, really? I got it. I'm the original West End cast. The number one, maybe. Yeah, you're welcome. That's my favorite cast. You want a snack? Because I have a bunch of great snacks up here. Do you want something?

Do you have white cheddar goldfish by any chance?

I have white cheddar goldfish. Holy God. And here's a little warm blanket and just settle in.

This is so warm. You were sitting on this.

Thank you so much. And I ran out of gas. I ran out of gas. Can you, can you walk like, can you walk like 50 miles if I'm getting it?

I've been so accommodating. 50 miles?

Yeah.

I think there's a gas station like way closer than that.

I don't like that gas. I like the one that's far.

We see a road sign that says Wichita 35 miles.

Can you go get the gas please?

You want to walk past Wichita? Oh God, you were so nice. You were so nice. You wanted to play the music I like, the white china goldfish, and no one ever even has those. I think they're discontinued.

Yeah. Oh God. Hurry, hurry back. Hurry as well? And I'm actually strapped for cash too, so if you could cover it.

I mean, I can't. I really can't. I mean, I'm like hard up for money because I'm obviously hitchhiking the Wichita. Can I be honest with you? I'm Robert Downey Jr. I'm researching a role where I have to play a hitchhiker.

Great, this is pretty common place. Off you go.

Hold on. I have a team of handlers who's right down the road.

I would really like for you to do it.

No, I wasn't saying that my handlers would go get the gas. I was just saying I'm done with this situation and with you.

Oh, thank you so much for going to get the gas for me. You wouldn't want me dying out here.

Okay, you know I was Iron Man, right?

Yeah, I feel like Iron Man doesn't want bad press.

You know what? Before I was Iron Man, I was Robert Downey Jr.

I know, and you don't want to backslide into that bad will, right?

I backslides pretty much my middle name, honestly.

Off you go.

Has anybody made a witchhiker? Is that a thing? Is that something fun, a witchhiker? Was like Henry Cavill hitchhiking? Yeah. Toss a coin to your witchhiker.

Yesterday, me saying please just reminded me of this. It's been making me laugh. Yesterday, Sean and I watched a friend of his directed a church pageant Christmas show with children that they filmed. I gotta say, I think it might be my new favorite movie. It's insane. I loved it. There's a part in it where a little boy comes up from the curtain. He goes, It's like the reasons why they do the pageant. The song is like, why do you do the pageant? Why do you do the pageant? And he comes out of the curtain and he goes, I like to be a star on stage. And he loses confidence. And then a little girl comes out and crosses in her arms and goes, hang into hang out with kids of an old age. And I can't stop singing in my head. I like to be a star on stage and hang out with kids of an old age.

That's, honestly, Erin, that's kind of what you're doing right now.

I know!

Yeah, we're both more than you.

And we're kids at heart and kids mentally.

I can't get out of my head.

And physically. Physically in terms of strength.

Yeah, exactly. Hang out with kids of an old age.

Erin, besides hanging out with kids of an older age, is there anything else you like to do in terms of plugs?

Oh wow. I would say I actually have a new podcast coming out in mid-February, so follow me on Instagram to get info about that. I'm really, really excited about it. It's a D&D podcast that I've been working on for a little over a year, so I'm excited about it.

I am so excited to listen to this.

And they already, these two older kids, already verbally confirmed to me that they would be guests on the show eventually, so... Do you want to say the name, Erin? It's called sitcom D&D.

And there's social media pages out there, right?

There is. There's a Twitter and Instagram.

You say this podcast is a Dungeons and Dragons and comedy podcast, right? Yes. Are we sure we're sold on that order? We don't want to say Dungeons and Comedy and Dragons, but I mean, which is there more of in this podcast? Is it? Because like dragons being second makes it seem like there's going to be a lot of dragons.

Comedy, Dungeons and Dragons and Riddles. Hold on. But I'm really, really excited about it. And I think you will like it. I think people will like it. So check it out.

Hell yeah. GPC, do you have anything to plug?

I mean, yeah man. I got lots of stuff to plug. I'm doing so much. I got to know what's going on.

No, it's P. If it's coming from his head, Adal, remember?

You can find me at twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. I stream video games over there. If you are an Amazon Prime subscriber, boo, or you just steal your parents, go give me your Prime sub. Just go and subscribe to the channel. It's an easy thing to do. I do it all the time. I do it all the time. And you can also follow me on Twitter at GPsoFly or Instagram at sharkbarkman. And listen to the BuildBuds podcast. And that's it. That's all I've got. Adal, what the fuck do you have to talk about?

Whoa!

Yikes, I'll take it. I think everyone should check out the Hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon. We have that up and going and it's a very good time. And then I also have a new podcast. It's myself and JPC and we're also doing a kind of D&D thing. It's called Dumb Jims and Dragons. JPC and I both play characters named Jim, not unlike Jim from The Office. We're both super dumb and we try and fight dragons. So check out Dumb Jims and Dragons.

Don't do this. Now people are going to want to see it. Don't do this. Now we have to do a Patreon episode of that.

You're right. Erin, I apologize. It's called Dumb Jins and Dragons. We're both genies. We're granting wishes, but we're super stupid. I love it.

The other thing that's wild about it is that if you spell our name Jim, J-I-M, it's pronounced Jim, but if you do G-Y-M, it's pronounced Gium.

If you capitalize the G. You're right. Now, Erin, there's famously a capital J out there that changes the meaning of a word. Do you know what word I'm thinking of?

I should have caffeinated before this episode.

I should have caffeinated before this episode. Perfect. Yeah, we're doing vocal warm-ups at the end. At the end.

Excellent.

Hey there, Hans and Christians. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. Back by popular demand, we return to the fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew to get ad-free episodes for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast. Hello, I'm Zach Oyama, and I'm joining forces with... JASPER WILLIAM CARTRIGHT! And I'm here today to tell you about Rotating Heroes, a comedy actual play podcast. Which is now on Headgum. And if you don't know what an actual play is, it's like listening to your dumb friends make up their own Lord of the Rings, except much stupider, and every choice is left up to the roll of the dice.

What can you expect from the Rotating Heroes podcast? Well, exactly that. Every arc will be kicking off with a rotating cast of people who will battle, laugh, and cry across Amalar as they commit to some of the silliest bits that they possibly can do. But, Zach, who are some of these heroes? Who are they played by?

People like

I don't know.

Emily Axford.

Love Emily Axford. Siobhan Thompson.

Wow! Mike Trapp. Oh yeah. Brannon Lee Mulligan.

Yes!

Allie Beardsley. Nice.

And if you want even more Rotating Heroes in your life, you can get it by going over to Patreon.com forward slash Rotating Heroes, where you can get the Arc Box, which is where we talk about all the things that have just happened in the most recent episode. That's Patreon.com forward slash Rotating Heroes.

Subscribe to Rotating Heroes on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts. So be on the lookout for new episodes! On what day? Friday? Friday! Wow.