Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

It's also slash live. Live and live are the same. They're spelled the same. That's heyriddleriddle.com slash live. And we'll see you in San Francisco.

Ho, ho, ho. It's me, Stand Up Santa.

Santa, Christmas is over.

What else?

What else? Have you heard about this? Have you did a ho, ho, ho intro to every episode we did in December? No. No, that would be hack.

But Stand Up Santa is not hack.

You ever been on a sleigh and you know the food they serve? You're very late or very early Santa Santa.

We do so many Santa bits on this show. You ever notice how some reindeers are named like Rudolph and then some reindeers are named like Prancer?

I'm really glad you're breaking this up GPC because I'm uncomfortable with how many of our episodes have Santa in the title.

I think we've talked about Santa maybe like 30 times this year and we don't put out 30 episodes.

Well, welcome back to part two of our clip show of the year. Here are some more of our favorite moments from 2021. Again, we appreciate your support so much and we'll be back with some new main feed episodes in the new year. In the meantime, enjoy this.

But first, my impression of James Fanderbeek. Oh wait, hold on. I do want to hear this one out. Yeah, you're right, actually. This one actually is. Go to the show. Go to the clip show.

No, no, no, no. Actually, no, please. We had nothing for time.

Van Der Beek, yeah.

Van Der Beek.

I don't want your laugh.

No, that's a character Van Der Beek plays. I want to see you do Van Der Beek right now. I'm not leaving this fucking club. He can't do it.

JVC, I don't know what he's doing. Because the guy can't do it.

Guess.

I guess he sounds... in my head, he's Southern? Is he Southern? No.

You know what he sounds like? What? Normal. And now that's a lesson. Everybody go into 2022 introspective-like. Think about what James Fannabeek says, because he says it's just like you fucking do. That's right.

The next act coming up... Nope. What's the mother?

He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cat in an airplane.

Thank you for calling Hey Riddle Riddle Enterprises. For riddles, press 1.

Gypsies, you don't press 1. I'm not going to press 1. I know what we're calling.

For bad improv, press 2.

To talk to Erin, press 3. To connect to JPC, press 4.

To talk to Adal, press 5.

Sorry, I'm finishing up my bench. That was 285 reps. All right, let me pass three.

285 reps. Okay. What are you, 16? Okay, three? Yep. Here we go.

Hello, Erin?

Hi, I will take three medium pizzas.

Just get too large. What are you doing? Hold on, hold on. Is she ordering pizzas at a drive-thru?

This sounds like drive-thru energy. Adal, TPC, is that you guys? Yeah. Three mediums?

You are burning money.

Sorry, the only person that usually calls me on this line is the pizza guy. He calls me every day to get my order. Why are you just calling me? Aw, sweetie.

I'm sorry, you're only three mediums a day?

I think I said four mediums.

Erin, I think you're hallucinating, but either way... That's a lot of pizza.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, second dinner.

I didn't think about it that way. No, that's enough pizza then.

That's what I'm saying. Wait, why are you guys calling? Are you locked out of the building again? Are you locked in David over at Adal Enterprises?

Yeah, we tried to get on the intercom and it took us to like a directory.

Yeah, we set this up a while back.

I remember this now.

I remember this now. Oh, you know what? I did remember that mine just connects directly to a voicemail. Oh my God, Erin, would you be upset if we hung up and we listened to my voicemail?

I'll connect you. I'll connect you.

Ready? Yeah, I'll just get in four, four, four.

Here we go. Hey, this is JPC.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Oh, wait.

You called JPC. No, yeah, you're talking to JPC. Yes, this is me.

Oh, it's that thing where at the end he's going to be like, just kidding.

Hello. Say what you're going to say, coward.

Oh, I guess it's really him. JPC, hey, it's Adal.

Hey, Adal.

Hey, just wanted to see if you were ready to do an episode.

I'm always down to do that, my man.

JPC's standing right next to me. I don't know how this is working.

Good one, bro. I came down here to let you in. Adal, are you, what are you doing?

Yeah, something's wrong. This JPC left at my joke. Are you talking to Erin? This is a demon. This is a demon.

JPC, why are you being so quiet? Are you guys working out outside? What's Erin saying? I can't hear her.

Oh, she went to ask if we're working out outside.

Tell her we're definitely working out outside.

Wow, a pre-recorded message machine.

Eh, gotcha. This is JPC's message machine. Leave one after the beep.

Adal, of course, that's his message machine. You're standing right next to GPC.

What a specific message that works once. Oh, Erin, can we call back and... Sure, wait, hold on, hold on. It worked once in that specific instance, but it's worked every time.

Adal, you want to call back and hear your voice?

Yeah, I want to hear mine because I remember mine was real fun. Here we go.

Okay, cool.

And press five.

Thank you for calling Hey Riddle.

Uh, shit. Hold on. Uh, oh, where's this calling? Russia.

Thank you for calling Hey Riddle Riddle Enterprises.

Hang up. Hang up. Okay. Let me call the, okay. Here we go. Remember, just hit five one time. You hit a bunch of fives. You're going to end up with Russia.

Thank you for calling Hey Riddle Riddle Enterprises. For Riddles, press 1. For Bad Improv, press 2. To talk to Erin, press 3. To talk to JBC, press 4. To talk to Adal, press... Yes?

Yes? Oh, you gotta put another quarter. 6. Okay, press 6 this time. Well, my name is Adal and I'm here to say, at 3 o'clock yesterday I passed away.

Adal, what does your voicemail say?

Oh, you know what? That's the one that we recorded for the April Fool's episode that we did that no one liked. That came out at a really weird time when COVID was on the rise. Where everyone thought I was really dead. Yeah.

There's like a six month period where if you typed in my name into Google, it auto populated Adal Rifai dead.

Why are you typing your own name into Google? Oh guys, we're locked out. I didn't bring a key to it. Now we're all locked out.

Oh, hey, why don't we just do the show from the parking lot today?

Perfect.

And Erin, if you're locked out, I'm Adal Rifai. I'm JPC and I'm late for dinner. So we can call you late for dinner and we are Hey Riddle Riddle, an improvised riddle podcast. We try and solve riddles and puzzles and along the way we do bits and do a seemingly bad improv is what the voice said. An old man puzzles today is none other than number three, Erin Keif.

Number 1 on the call sheet, number 2 on our hearts, number 3 on the show, Erin Keif. Well, since it's my episode, I like to not do as many riddles.

Okay, so that's the voicemail intro?

Yeah, I hit you. Hold on, Erin. Seven minute opening bit. What?

Erin says, since it's my episode. Honestly, that's the way that it works here at Hey Riddle Riddle. If you are a keen, sharp-eared listener, you will notice that once every three episodes The same person is going to end up hosting. So roughly 33% of the episodes that you listen to are going to be hosted by Erin. 33 by JPC. 33 by Adal. And again, you know, that leaves 1%. We do let Casey host one out of 100 episodes.

And then we put that on CD disc and we bury it in the Nevada desert.

Erin, I don't know if it's helpful, but I invented a new game that we could play.

Yes, I would like, that would, Queen Erin says yes, I would like to play your game.

Okay, I texted Adal about this and I was like, I don't know if it will fit into the episode, but, and he said, well, you'll have to wait and see. And I believe it could, it could very well. Erin, I think that this is something that you'll enjoy. Adal, Erin, are you both familiar with Celebrity Chef Guy Fieri?

Of course, he's wearing flames on his shirt.

He's one of my favorite people in the whole world. And Mariah and I have been playing a game that I like to call Guy Fury's Kitchen Game. And we've been playing this while we've been cooking for the past couple of days. And I wanted to bring it to you. So the way that this game is going to work is all you have to say is, are you crying? I'm getting emotional. Because this game is so special to me.

This is a Riddle podcast, by the way.

It's so new here.

But we'll get to that.

It's a Riddle podcast. This is our Riddle podcast and this is one of our classic warm up games. I don't really like this game. I think I'm going to get this game. So, all one of you is, we have to talk in like our best Guy Fieri accents, but you pick anything, like I'll start with my favorite thing, waffles, and you say, I'm making waffles. And then the next person who goes has to add something to the beginning or the end of that sandwich style rule supply. And we're creating like a weird Guy Fieri inspired food item. So like you might say, I'm making salty waffles. And then the third person has to say, put something on the beginning or the end. You can't go in the middle, beginning of the end, sandwich style, that type of thing. And we build until one person can't remember what all of the things were said. Now, if that ever happens, the person who just passed it on to them gets a chance to say, Hey Riddle. Hey Riddle. Instead of waffles, caramels.

So somebody said I'm making strawberries and then somebody said I'm making milk strawberries. You couldn't then say I'm making milk chocolate strawberries? No, you cannot. You have to put it. I don't understand what you don't get about sandwich style beginning at the end.

I can't stress enough to the listeners that I haven't talked to them in three weeks. I haven't spoken to JPC or Adal in weeks. And we've been texting each other. JPC moved into a new house. Adal went to France. We're not going to talk about that. We're going to play this game.

So it'll go B, then Erin, then Adal, okay? Okay. And my queen, forgive me, but what happened was JPC moved to France and I traveled to a new house.

Oh, okay. Thank you. I'm sorry, I got very lost. See, I don't know anything about your life. All right, go ahead.

All right, ready? Yes. I'm making lobster.

I'm making garlicky lobster.

That's your Guy Fieri impression, Erin?

No, I'm making garlicky lobster.

There we go. I'm making garlicky.

I'm making garlicky. You laughed at me. You laughed at the queen. And then you fell in the same hole the queen fell in.

The queenhole. I fell in the queenhole. You fell in the queenhole. Not again. I'm making garlicky lobster sandwiches.

I'm making garlicky lobster sandwich bombs.

I'm making smoked garlicky lobster sandwich bombs.

I'm making Marlboro Smoked Garlic-y Lobster Sandwich Bombs.

I'm making Monterey Jack Marlboro Lobster Smoked. No, damn it. Oh, no, not yet. Adal, you still have a chance.

Oh, he just said it. No, no, he just said it to you, right?

He said it to me, so he has to make me eat it now. I missed what you added this time. Yeah, it's a hard game, huh? So I won't make you eat it. Thank God I didn't want to eat lobster bobs.

Monterey Jack. Marlboro. Smoked.

Garlic-y.

Garlic-y lobster bobs.

So much bobs. Eat it. Eat it. Fuck, okay. God, it's so garlicky. That's the thing tripping around. That is the one I couldn't get over. Erin, you can start us off.

I'm making pills. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Is it my turn? I think it's you, Adal, yeah. I'm making sauteed pills. I'm making double sauteed pills.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills a la range.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills a la range salad.

I'm making garlicky...

That was like you saw like a loved one rise from a grave as a zombie, like that shudder.

I just copped out John. I'm making... Wait, Erin, they're a zombie.

Why did you cop out?

She's a mummy.

You think when you see a zombie, you cough of dust? I mean, my queen, you are correct. You are correct today.

I have never been less suited to be queen. There are at least 50 episodes where I was chomping at the bit to be queen of the episode. Listen to episode 20. I wouldn't kill the queen then.

I love that Erin sees a ghost and then walks through a wall.

I see a vampire and I bite someone's neck.

You're the X-Men that have other X-Men powers. You're a rogue. That's like rogue.

You're just a person who thinks that they have everyone else's powers, but does not.

But does not. Hey Riddle.

I would not leave that beanbag for the world.

Oh yeah, playing a video game in a beanbag? Hell yeah.

I would sleep on it. I'd watch TV on it. I would stand on the arm of the couch and jump onto it. Like, there is nothing more thrilling when you're a kid than a beanbag.

I would rather the entire world see me naked than the person I'm trying to sleep with see me try to get up from a beanbag chair.

I will say it. I'll say it. New merch, new merch, new merch.

Do not try to sleep with someone in a beanbag chair.

Did you come? You're not even inside me.

Beanbag chair. I'm in the other room.

You're in a beanbag chair. I'm nowhere near you.

And there are little white pellets everywhere. I have a very different experience.

And also the stuff from the inside of the beanbag. I would like to see a scene. Sure. Adal, you're checking into a motel. You were driving all night and you're sort of just checking into the first place you see once you get tired. And JBC, you're about to give him some maybe bad news at the front desk about the little quirks of the hotel.

Sure. Oh my God, I'm so happy that you have a room. That's wonderful. You know, I saw the neon sign and I thought clown smile in. That can't be great, but you know what? Bigger's gonna be choosing this. Yeah, better than great. And you're in the full regalia and everything. Did you go to clown college or did you just dress like one?

We don't have a clown college, but we do have a clown high school just down the road. So I graduated from clown high school, went into clown trade school, a two-year program.

You would like a room? Yes, whatever room you have.

Okay. Well, we only have the one left. And are you going to be paying by the minute, by the hour, or do you want like a, God forbid, a whole evening in the room?

Well, yeah, I'm driving, so I definitely get a full eight, and then I'll probably want to relax and shower and all that stuff.

Okay. I could call in some extra clowns to see if we could squeeze eight into the room with you, but would you be okay with just the standard two?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, it's just me and I want to be in the room alone.

I understand.

No funny business. No funny business.

At the clown smile end, there will be two hidden clowns in every room. That's one of our guarantees. And if it's a privacy thing, Okay. You won't see them. They won't bother you. You can look for them.

You will not find them. Well, I mean, just looking around the lobby, I do see there's clearly behind your desk there. There's there's clearly what's, uh, what's a sure very, very tall clown with just a lampshade on his head. Reggie, he spotted you.

You won't put $20 in the jar. Oh no, $20 in the jar. I really thought I got a good... You're clever, sir.

You're clever, sir. What do you do for a living?

Well, I am... Is that sort of an investigator? No, I'm a journalist. I write about my time on the road and so I go... Well, a journalist is not some sort of investigator. You're one of those non-investigated journalists. Well, I'm an author, I guess I should say. I'm not a news journalist. I have my journal and I write and then I publish like a Bill Bryson type. And I also, if you don't mind, I also notice in the main hall here up on the ceiling there seems to be a clown who's hanging on for dear life and just rotating its arm going fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, fan.

Adal, we're here! Hong Kong!

Yeah, like I said, there's a clown high school down the road and we do an outreach program where we have some of the, yeah, locally. He does not work here, but he is a local kid and he's trying to get on the right path. Oh, you're doing great. That's a cool ceiling fan, bud.

Oh, he spotted me. $20 in the jar.

That's $20 in the jar. Rules are rules for everybody.

Okay, we hit again. Can you see us? Yeah, can you see us?

They're just running back and forth.

Yeah, they're running back and forth. Okay, well, we can get you in the room. Now, how wet do you like the floor? I guess 0%.

0%? Well, there will be 0% in the room. I'm from Mexico, New York. We don't pronounce ours.

Okay, well, there will be no piss-cent in the room. The room will be covered in it, but you won't be able to smell a thing.

I should have said Mexico, New York. Because you don't pronounce it.

I understand. Well, we can get you into the room. Is it just the one car? Oh, well, my car won't be coming in with me. Oh, I'm sorry. How are you going to get in the room without the car?

Uh, hopefully stairs?

Elevator? Well, I mean, you can try, but, uh, I'm saying that if you don't have that metal encasing all around you, you're gonna get crushed to death just going into that doorway because you're gonna need something to burst into the door of the room.

Oh, um, you know, you know what? I'm actually, I've been kind of rejuvenated by the conversation. I'm gonna just hit the road. Certainly.

And I know that you want to. You're gonna walk out of that door. You're gonna find yourself right back at this lobby because This is your life now.

This is- But don't worry, we have a continental breakfast at 7am.

Hong Kong! I died on the road, didn't I?

It's 20 in the jar!

20 in the jar! I'll tell them about the breakfast. 20 in the jar! We have a clown, we have a clown-tenental breakfast. Clown-tenental breakfast. It's circus penis, uh, circus penis.

The only thing scarier than two clowns in your hotel room that you can see is two clowns that are there that you cannot see.

I'd go to that hotel.

This is Casey Keisha.

And right now we're going to do something a little different. We're going to do a dedication line to all the people across America, taking calls from everyone and anyone who wants to say something special to that someone special. You're on the line. Who are you? What's your dedication?

Hey Casey, my name's Jeff from Deltona, Florida.

Deltona, Florida?

It's a real place in Florida. I don't recommend going there.

Okay, I'll look it up. I'll trust your word. Who would you like to dedicate the song and what's the song you want to hear?

Casey, first of all, I just want to say this is my real voice not doing a crude imitation of you. This is just how I talk as well.

Okay, at first I thought you were making fun of me, but now I see you have the same mouth as me.

Yes, Casey actually, that's something that I've always had. My mother was a huge radio fan, used to follow radio stations all around the country. Never met my dad, per se, but still... Kind of think of you as a father figure, Casey, for how influential you've been in my life.

Sweetheart, who are you talking to on the phone?

Nothing, Mom. This is movie phone. Just calling for movie times.

Honey, are you talking to Deltona? Hang up the phone. I don't want you to meet your father this way. I mean, I don't want you to call through a radio. I mean... Wait! Mom, what are you not telling me? I have to go to this... I have to go. I can't go.

Weird, Casey. My mom just left the house. Wonder what's up with her.

Shari had to hang up on that caller. He wasn't talking to me. Let's take a new caller. Who are you, where you're from, and what's your dedication?

Hey Casey, me again. Still at Deltona, Florida. Seems like I got the only fucking caller.

Why that sounds so familiar. Deltona.

Well, there's a big statue of you down on Main Street. You must have been here before, Casey.

Yes, there before. Picnic on the beach. Oh, sorry. My elbow was resting on the soundboard. That's for the morning zoo crew. What song would you like to dedicate to your mom?

Actually, Casey, I'm not dedicating a song to my mom at all. I want to dedicate this to my special sweetheart, Ribeau Shit.

Ribeau Shit. Yeah!

Remotion!

Casey, who are you talking to on the radio right now? Who is that?

It's just a young man who wants to dedicate a special song to a special son.

Casey, I don't want you to meet our son like that. I mean, my son. I mean, I have to go.

Wait, do we live in the same house?

Well, I do live in a duplex.

Yeah, Riddle Court. Riddle Court.

Riddle Court. All rise for Judge J.B.C. of Riddle Court.

All rise, all rise, all rise. I am your bailiff, Matthew McConaughey. Please put your hand on this stack of Post-its from Memento.

So do be clear, we have me, the judge, the person that said all rise, which is a bailiff, and then we have another bailiff.

Double bailiff baby. Two bailiffs.

Double bailiff. Bailiff Johnson, Bailiff Johansson. This is going to be a quick day in Riddle Court. I can tell you that much right now.

I'm the prosecution and may I just say that I think that this should go by quick because this riddle sucked more than the vacuum cleaner that I bought recently.

And I'm the double prosecution and can I just say I need to mop my brow with this handkerchief. Let me pull out my suspenders and let me drink from this tall glass sweaty sweaty glass of lemonade.

There's a reason why there's two of us.

And your honor, I'm Mickey and I'm Ricky and we're the Defense Twins and our client is guilty.

Well, they just admitted it right there in the paper, right there. They wrote, they said it. They admitted it out loud in front of the whole court. It ain't the way you taped it all down. Thank you, thank you. You know, I'm a sister who also tapes it all down. There's doubles of everyone in court.

Not, not the judge yet until I unwrap my head. And it's kind of like a Professor Quirrell thing because it's me on the back here as well. And I am ready to issue, I am ready to issue my verdicts.

And I'm drawing pictures of everyone involved when they say something. I take out my crayons and I scrawl a little face and then I say, here's what happened.

If you weren't able to be here live, here's a terrible little picture. Now Mr. Cartoonist, it appears that there's only one of you. Would that assumption be correct? Wait a minute. Everyone else has two.

Everyone's got two. How come I'm the only one with just one?

We, the two people at the jury, find this riddle innocent. Well, fuck.

Hey Riddle. Can I pour some of my thermos of soup into your mouth and then put my hands in your mouth just for like 30 seconds? And then you can spit the soup in my mouth and then put your hands in my mouth? That's the only way I found that we could maybe stay warm.

To be honest, that kind of skeaks me out. So maybe let's just hold on to the thermos. Oh, I'm sorry. Scott, we were screns. Hold on. We have a thermos full of hot soup, so that's a source of heat. I think what we should do is we should press that thermos to our skein. If we have any patches of exposed skein, we could put that thermos on it and warm ourselves up.

It's great, it's great. Well, I also brought some pizza and fries, pizza and fries, and I thought we could eat that to stay warm, but it's been in my pocket, so it's now frigid. So I think let's put the thermos against my skin. So I'll put it up against my right scolder, and you put it up against your left scolder, and we'll kind of press into each other. Here we go. God, we're so stupid.

I wish that our third friend, Martin Skirelli, had come on this trip with us, but he was too busy doing his important work of Hiking up AIDS medicine to an 800% profit, but he should be known for buying that Wu-Tang album. Yes, and now he's known for, I think, being in jail. Hey, if he's not, sure seems like the kind of place a person like that should be, huh? He got his schemeuppance.

I went to the Van Gogh exhibit in LA and it was really cool. And I think that's the only thing that happened to me this week.

I'm sorry, Erin. I hate to correct a woman on the show, but you go to the Van Winting exhibit. Parlour to everyone. Erin's laughing right now. She's not just staring actors at me.

Yeah, that's not why I wasn't silent.

I was laughing very hard.

I went, I go to the Van Wens exhibit. Because that's something. And that makes sense.

And Van Wending is like a knockoff Van Helsing? Yes.

Exactly. And then that was the same week that I had a shirt that is like a crisscross shirt and had one little clasp at the top. And I was helping a very handsome man. It was Friday night and I was helping him. And then my shirt, as I was talking to him, got caught on a hook in the dressing room, like the door, and it opened up my shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra, so I was full naked. And then I turned, and then I knocked the wind out of myself. I ran right into the little counter that's in the dressing room.

Stop, stop, stop.

Where's my mercy? Where's my mercy? Where's my mercy? Flip-flop rat sound?

Adal.

You know that sound? Adal. What's the sound? Yeah, I did that. And then I started coughing, and then I was clutching my chest. Oh my god.

But if the story happens to Erin Keif, it blows the dress completely off, the dress goes into a telephone, uh, like wire, bursts into flames, the telephone while crashes down on that guy's car, that his car blows up, the tires shoot both of his arms off, and then he's like, uhhh, and you're like, uhhh. I was so devastated.

Both of Erin's nipples fall off directly on top of a cat's head. Then the cat runs into the forest. People think it's a deer and shoot it.

That was particularly devastating because I thought I had gotten really lucky. I was like, it's Friday. I actually took the time to look really nice today. I looked so cool and my hair was done. And I was like, first of all, I never look good when any cute guy comes in here. I was working in the men's section, but no young men ever really came in because it's Nordstrom and they couldn't afford it. But it's this guy who was probably four years older than me, so handsome, needed a suit for a rehearsal dinner. And I was going, great, we were kind of flirting. And then that happened. And then he left without buying anything at all.

This is, I want that story framed on my wall.

That was like a decade ago, so.

It's hard for me to be sorry that that happened to you, Erin, because I'm so grateful that that story exists. You know what I'm saying?

We're here so early, sir. What's the big news?

Please, I know it's early in the morning, but I appreciate you taking my call. Please, sub-scientists, come around. I should just call your assistants. Come around, gather around.

Well, we are in a submarine, so please do call us sub-scientists.

Can I take my blindfold off? You can take off your blindfold, but before we discuss anything further, you must add your white lab coats. Otherwise, anyone who might be viewing us doesn't know that you're a scientist. Let me just say this, and this is something that's been bothering me and I'm sorry it's built up for this long. Jeff, you come in every day. You're a sub-scientist. Thank you. You wear jeans and a polo, sometimes a beanie. You're not presenting. To be a scientist, you have to present scientists. You see me, I'm wearing khakis that are wrinkled to all hell. I'm wearing a white lab coat. I'm wearing a button-up shirt with glasses in the middle of the bridge of the nose.

Yes, sir. It feels like you're killing time because you messed up pretty bad. You maybe did something you weren't supposed to do.

Killing time. Speaking of, has anybody, remember what to kill a mockingbird? Remember that book? Let's go around and let's recite our full favorite chapter.

Sir, I don't mean to, I don't, I would love to do that because obviously you're the head scientist. There is a small pool of blood forming, it looks like, at your feet and it's getting, and it is getting bigger.

Well, you're a bad scientist. I'd call that a large pool of blood.

Anyway... It's getting larger. It's getting larger.

I think Sir is short for circumstance. Isn't that interesting? What else? Uh, once I heard Paul F. Tompkins say... What sound is that? Huh?

What sound is that?

Oh my God, it... I'd say it's a squelch. It sounds like a bone is dripping? It sounds like maybe a human bone is dripping? Huh.

Wait a minute.

Oh?

Are you Dr. Chameleon? Meow. You found me out. I don't have... What's under your coat?

It's the world's first snark. It's half snake, half shark.

That's dead.

That is dead and dripping.

Now it's a little shy. It's a little shy. I'd be shy too if my bones were on the outside of my skin.

Dead things aren't shy. They're dead.

When I was trying to create the first cuttlefish, not cuttlefish, but cuttlefish, did you microwave it? Partially. Okay. But I did it in a metal bowl, which was bad news. Yeah.

What kind of doctor are you, Dr. Cabelian?

Well, some would say I'm not a doctor to be exact.

Yeah. How did you get on this sub?

Stairs.

Stairs. I think he's just describing what we're doing right now to him.

Quit staring at me. Scene.

Scene. Scene.

Okay, Charlie Brown, I'm going to hold the football. We're just playing football. We're just practicing your kicks. I'm going to hold the football. You run, you kick it and just see how far you can kick it. And that's football.

What is it? Do you hate yourself? Do you hate yourself, Lucy? Do you need me to hate me too? So you have some company in this. What do you need? What do you need?

Um, no, I don't hate myself.

Lucy, you give everyone around here a therapy for five cents. You're giving my sister therapy for five cents. You're trying to figure out Linus's blanket thing. God bless you. You're obsessed with fucking Schroeder, okay? You know who I think needs a therapy, Lucy? You.

No, I'm fine. I don't need therapy. I just do this football trick because it's funny.

Yeah. Hurt people hurt people, and you're hurting me. And now I'm hurt, so I'm going to try to hurt you, okay? Go to some therapy. Leave me alone. I am a bald child with a little bit of hair on the top. I'm going to be compared to Caillou.

Okay.

I'm wearing the ugliest shirt in the world.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess I'm sorry.

I'm a melancholy depressed child and that's the point of the series is that I'm getting abused by my friend. What is this, Lucy?

I guess, I guess I, I guess I'm sorry. I guess I didn't know that it was really... Oh, you're guessing?

I feel like we should know, but you can guess. No, guess. Go ahead.

No, I mean, I know, I know that I was wrong. I apologize and know that I was wrong.

I had 16 back surgeries, Lucy. I, my chiropractor bills are out of control. I do physical therapy. Chiropractor.

I'm doing... Do you want to just take the football? I feel so bad.

No. I don't trust you. I don't trust you. I have trust issues now. I'm going to fucking craniosacral therapy. I have a healer. I'm trying everything to try to get my back.

Okay. And breathe in. Breathe in. Breathe in the good grief. Breathe out the bad grief. Okay. And can you give me an arg?

You treat Kathy too, don't you?

I do, I do. And Garfield.

Yeah, I understand. You know what? I'm going to give her another chance.

You're right. Remember, it's not her fault that Snoopy's dead, okay? He was dancing in the street.

He hit him with her car.

He was dancing in the street, okay? He looked up and down, but not left and right when he dances, right?

Yeah.

So, bury that anger, okay? And give Lucy a real shot.

Sorry, you're talking to me, but all I hear is, but I'm going to give her a shot. Okay, Lucy.

Hey, Charlie Brown. What's up? I haven't seen you in a couple weeks. What's what's going on?

I'm sorry to wake you. Here's a football and I just need you to not move it. Okay, we're gonna do it and we're gonna do it, right?

Oh my god.

It's gonna heal both of us.

I'm actually I'm good now. I'm in a much better place. I've made a lot of peace with who I was back then. I've moved on. Yeah, yeah, I started going to therapy and it instantly clicked. It was like a weight off my shoulders. I'm like a completely different person.

I love it.

Um, well, we're not technically official yet, but yeah, I guess I could say we're really happy. It's just, we're kind of exploring and trying to make this what it is.

Lucy, please just come out in the rain with me. I love the football thing for you. Please just, I need to kick this football. Please, Lucy, please.

Charlie, Charlie, I give you permission to kick the football yourself, okay? I need someone to hold it. You never needed me. Hey, Charlie. Don't shut the door on me. Have a really great life. Have a really fun life.

We're gathered here today to bury one Charles G. Brown. He died like he lived trying to kick a football.

Unfortunately, he... Hey everybody, Lucy here just to pop in. We're actually having a big party across the street. If anyone wants to come, $5 a head, ladies get a break. First 200 dudes at the door and then the cut off.

That was a whole play.

Not only was that a full play, but I think that that was to date the longest scene that we've done on Hey Riddle. What? That can't be right. You're right. It's not.

Adal and JBC?

Speaking. Yes.

You know how Mama loves a free trial.

Yes Mama.

But she also has a terrible memory and a terrible temper. Do you know why free trials renew without your consent? It's a business scam out to get you. Don't let greedy corporations pocket your money and download Truebill to take control of your subscriptions. That's what I did and now they will cancel it for me with no problem at all.

Oh yeah, Mama. Truebill is that new app that helps you identify and stop paying for subscriptions you don't need, what, or simply forgot about.

Mama, if I may, on average I hear that people save up to $720 a year with Truebill because companies make subscriptions hard to cancel. Truebill makes it incredibly simple, Mama, just like you say, just like you tell us at night when you tuck us in. Just link your accounts and Truebill will cancel your unwanted subscriptions in one tap.

Truebill is so helpful. I've been using it for a little over a year. It also helps me manage my money and you can color code everything. And it's very, very fun. I will say this has got to be the most ADHD friendly budgeting app I have found if you're into that stuff. And by that, I mean neurodivergent and you need your apps to be colorful.

So don't fall for subscription scams like our mommy fell for. Mommy says start canceling today at TrueBill.com slash Riddle. Go right now, even if it's past your bedtime and mommy told you to go to bed. I love you mommy. TrueBill.com slash Riddle. It could save you or your mommy thousands a year. TrueBill.com slash Riddle.

Mama loves TrueBill. Download it today.

That's not water in your glass. It's pool water. Hey, JPC, Erin, I'm so bummed that you two didn't make it out to my performance art piece last night.

Oh, that was last night? I was building a train.

Yeah, we were training a builder.

Can I do some of it for you now?

Sure. Oh no. I love it.

J.B.C. What interferes with your happiness is something preventing you from achieving your goals. What better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist?

Well then I love your show because I love better help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. You can send a message to your counselor anytime and they'll get back to you with a thoughtful and timely response. You can even do video or phone sessions.

And unlike Adal's performance art piece, you'll never have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. By the way, why is there a waiting room to get into it? No one's there to see it ever again. And better help us come into facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. More affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available and it's also available to clients worldwide.

And licensed professional counselors who are specialized in stress, anxiety, sleeping, trauma, anger, self-esteem.

So did you see like a stand-up do a bit about performance art and that's what you thought?

Yeah, it's almost like Dana Carvey's impression of Bush.

If you want to talk to a counselor about this on BetterHelp, anything you share is confidential, convenient, professional, and affordable.

So if you want to start living a happier life today as a listener of Hey Riddle Riddle, and I guess someone who attended Adal's performance art piece, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

Could you please snap for my performance? Please snap. Please snap.

We're helping a builder train a train.

It's really involved.

It's really hard.

Okay. Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin. I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Oh, you do?

What does that mean? You know, I told you guys that I was really interested in having like thicker, fuller, healthier hair. And you guys were like, oh, just go down to the pond and grab one of those ducks and try to eat the whole duck, cram the duck into your mouth.

JPC, I think I see what happened here. What? I told you to check out Neutrifull. You checked out Neutrifowl.

I don't know what you did.

Oh, I ate a duck instead of doing the fight. Yeah, F-O-W-L. My man, 80 million people in the U.S. experience thinning hair, yet it's still not openly talked about, which can make going through it feel scary and stressful. About as scary and stressful as eating a duck.

It was super scary because the duck was alive.

You can take charge of your hair growth in the next few months of your time. You can grow thicker, fuller, healthier hair without using damaging styling tools and chemicals.

So Neutrophil is a duck that I ate at a pond. And Neutrophil is formulated with potent botanicals to help you grow hair as strong as you are. And it's physician formulated to be 100% drug free.

That's what I've been saying. And they use natural, not like a duck natural, they use natural clinically effective botanicals for better hair growth through whole body health.

Yeah, it also may help you get a handle on your sleep, your stress response, your skin, your nails, and your libido. Hello.

And hopefully it curbs your duck eating. Oh, and they have a hair wellness quiz for customized product recommendations? Okay. That's a quiz you can't fail. So you can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to neutrophole.com and using promo code RIDDL to save $15 off your first month's subscription. This is their best offer anywhere, and it's only available to US customers and ducks for a limited time. Plus, free shipping on every order. Get $15 off at Nutraful.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code RIDDLE for hair as strong as you are. And JBT, honestly, you're pretty strong if you digested a full duck.

No, the duck was stronger than me. It took my $15 and it flew away.

Oh, nerds. Oh, bummer.

So we have two more segments for this next one. This is going to be, we'll give it about a minute or maybe a minute and a half. What's going to happen is I'm going to ask you both and there's no pussing in. So this is just kind of a scream them out, scream them if you got them.

Scream them out, scream them out.

And it's one point per and I'll try and keep tally. So, so scream them out, but also make sure you give me time to write them down. Gotcha. To tally the points, I mean. For this, we're going to try and list as many famous people with the first name George. Go.

George Clooney.

George Harrison, George Jetson, George of the Jungle, George Orwell, George Bush. George W. Bush.

George Bush Sr. George Bush Jr. George.

I said both of those.

No, he didn't. He didn't. I'm gaslighting you. George. Stop. Stop. George Stephanopoulos. Stop.

Stop. We're canceling this round.

No, why? What did I do wrong? What did I do?

You got one point. JPC then got like 20 and you just went, you just went, help.

You know what? I was falling down a hole and I didn't know what to do. I'm crying.

I'm actually crying. Although you could have been saying help based off George Harrison.

No, I just needed help. Help. Help.

One more riddle, and then we take a little snooze. Yes, one more riddle for us, please, Erin.

Actually, there's two of these here, so we're just going to do them fast, because I don't want to come back to this email.

Well, I'll be the one to decide how fast we do them, because I won't be getting the answers correct.

Well, I'm just going to add a minute after I read it, I'm going to just say the answer regardless of where you're at.

Damn it.

That's going to make me work harder. Oh, good. I'm being pulled over.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Oh, it's a tapped answer.

Sorry, ma'am. I'm one of the Rockettes. Do you know how fast you were solving those riddles?

I don't know. Like, one every 20 minutes, it seems.

I want to say... Bada-pooray? Bada-pooray? I want to say that's the thing. Huh? Who's the top dancer here?

How do you kick in such unison? You're a Rockette. How do you kick in such unison?

It's all unplanned. We always try and do something different, but we just sync up, just like our periods.

You clearly know a lot about women and the Rockettes, so I'm just going to roll my window up.

Sorry for screaming in your ear.

I guess the worst part of being a Rockette is we all get our periods at the same time. What the fuck?

Start spreading the news. We say defund the police. You want to know what that actually means in material terms. It means we hire the Rockettes to do traffic enforcement. That's what it means. What a wonderful world that would be.

They're in those toys to hold your costume.

If I was speeding and I saw a string of women kicking above their heads, I would slow down and I would say, thank you officers. I will be better.

I just have like the Rockettes in one of those like DUI checkpoints where instead of orange cones it's just Rockettes kicking as you like veer off to the side of the road to get a brutalizer.

Oh man.

Sorry, can you step out of your car? Okay, and kick above your head and do the full splits? Alright.

You're going to jail.

The liquids are poured in and they stay there or they're poured in.

Oh, it's a leaf.

No.

Well, JBC, hold on.

No, shut the show down. Everyone turn off the lights. Yeah, it's done, okay? We're in a huge warehouse, you guys. There was nothing here, alright? No special effects. Holy shit. Are you happy now, listeners? Okay, fine. Shut it all down.

I've been in this warehouse the whole time?

What the fuck? Casey's an old suitcase with some googly eyes on it. I'm taking my suitcase and I'm leaving. Goodbye. It's done. It's just done now, okay? It's just done.

I've been so, I've been way too polite to ask Casey this whole time that I've known him why his eyes are so googly and now I'm glad I didn't because I wouldn't like the answer.

I've always wanted to ask him, why are you so stuffed full of pants?

All right, Tad, push it forward. Dad, can't we get one of those like auto pushing lawnmowers? Like why do we have to use one with manual blades? Nobody, literally nobody uses these anymore.

I'm teaching you responsibility, okay? How is this responsibility? Because it's awful. And you should know that life is awful. So I'm setting you up for life. Because last night, you came home wearing a what? Wig. A wig. Yeah. And it wasn't just any wig, right? No. No.

It was a Wigman's party platter.

It was a Wigman's party platter on your head.

I think that's a regional food grocery store, sir.

There was Capicola, there was Salami, there was Munster, there was Cheddar. All the meats, all the cheeses, sir. Yeah, and then what happened to all the neighborhood dogs?

They ran inside our... They ran inside our Ford pickup truck. That's right. And they all put on their hats and sunglasses, and they played a little poker, and the bed of the truck.

Yep, and then they drove off. Like in a country song. Dogs driving a pickup truck.

Dad, don't you get it? I don't need to learn responsibility. I know life's awful. You're already my dad. It's gonna be a bad life for me. Okay. Can't we at least compromise and get a working lawnmower?

You are a working lawnmower, okay? You are. And here's the thing, I'm miserable.

I'll pay for it. You'll pay for what? I'll pay for the lawnmower. With what money? The money I won from playing poker with the dogs in our truck, sir. Exactly.

Scene.

I never leave the house without two speeches. The speech where the world calls me up to fight whatever alien or monster has invaded. I never leave the house without preparing two speeches. Can we hear this first one? Of course. I haven't left my house though. I would like to hear it though. I'm at home recording this.

As a queen, I would like to hear the speech that you are going to make if a monster ever invades.

I know that you're scared and that's okay because I'm scared too. I'm scared shitless. I shit my pants just moments ago. Pissed myself too. A one and a two. A three, some would call it. And I just saw a picture of the monster and it was blurry. Some of you have actually seen it. I'd shit myself again and I haven't eaten anything today. If I saw A real non-blurry picture of that monster. I'd shit myself for a second time today, and I haven't eaten anything today. And I didn't have a big day yesterday, eating-wise. What did I have? Light breakfast. I nibbled and grazed for lunch. And I think I went to sleep at like five, and I woke up at like nine, and it was too late for dinner for me, and I just went to bed.

Sir, you're getting hung up on the minutia. Please comfort the nation. Thank you.

Thank you, Joffrey. Anyway, where was I? I'm scared of this monster. Hell, I'm so scared that if I saw this monster, I would throw up. And I, honestly, I'm running on E. I'm fumes in my tank. And I'm not a big guy either. So you took E? Oh yeah, I'm rolling.

Let's get you hydrated.

Adal, I would like to kill JPC. That would be my first murder. You asked!

Ethan, did I ever tell you who you were named after? Well, you got drunk one night and you stumbled into my room at 4 a.m. and you said that I was maybe named after Ethan Hawke, maybe named after Ethan Cohen, and then you smashed the bottle, started to cry, and tried to climb inside my aquarium.

First of all, my aquarium. I bought that aquarium with my money.

Well, to be fair... Honey, that doesn't seem like the important part of that story.

To be fair, Mom got it for both of us from CBS. And that story is mostly correct. You were named after Ethan Hawke and Ethan Hunt, and I always thought that it would be funny if Ethan Hawke played Ethan Hunt, but he aged out of that role, and Tom Cruise kept doing it.

We, when I was pregnant with you, the first time you kicked, we were watching an Ethan Hawke movie, which was... Mr. Impossible 2. That's Ethan Hunt. I'm sorry.

That's Ethan Hunt. What was I, what? Before Sunrise?

I gave birth in the theater for, yes, before Sunrise. We were like, I think you must have loved just the sort of natural conversation that Linklater can tap into. Can you believe he did that and School of Rock?

I can.

What a talent.

So just for continuity, Ethan, you had your first kick during Before Sunrise and you were birthed in the theater for Mission Impossible 2.

Look that up, tell us how close we were, but don't worry about it, Ethan. That's the story. Wow, now I know the origin behind my full name. Ethan Hunt Hawk Flork.

Yeah, now you know it. I'm having fun. Everyone knows having fun.

I guess your grandfather was a hawk hunter. And his name was also Ethan, right? Yes, his name was Ethan Hawk Hunter. Change to Ellis Island. We came late to Ellis Island, by the way.

Well, he went from Ellis Island and then he went to Rikers Island, right? Because he tried to kill Tony Hawk. And they said, you're a prison warden now.

We have people start writing things down in our family. It's like this kind of history can be lost. And what a beautiful history this is.

We only have maybe 60, 65% of the history from court stenographers, but we really should write down the other 35%. It's true. So what Adal is describing with, like, a fun universe where, like, what happens when a raccoon fucks a flamingo? What you're talking about is Pokmon, because in Pokmon, they have a Pokmon that's called, like, a racomingo, and it's just a raccoon crossed with a flamingo, and you're just inventing Pokmon at this point.

So?

I guess I like Pokemon. Yeah, I'm saying that the world that you also want to live in, you could just go up to challenge people in tall grass and they will throw Pokeballs at you and you will get to fight them for their Pokemon.

So what is a Squirtle a mix of? Is it like a turtle in a water bottle?

It's a squirt gun.

A squirt gun. So now we're getting into inanimate objects. Yeah. Okay, so let's be scientists about this. Let's not treat this like it's dumb. A Charizard. Let's work backwards and deconstruct with a Charizard.

Lizard and a Charm Bracelet. Easy.

Easy.

I need to work backwards too, Hudge. Yes.

Perfect. Now a Pikachu would be... A Peeping Tom and a Snooze. He's so easy. He was a fucking hard one.

Yes!

Okay, okay. I don't know if I know any more. I don't know if I know any more.

I can't have this game stop. I need it.

I was gonna say a Pikachu was maybe a Chinchilla and a piece of shit. What are the other... I feel like Casey would know Pokemon. Casey, if you know them, toss them in the chat. There's Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur would be a light bulb and a dinosaur.

There you go. That's exactly correct. What else do we got? We have Vaporeon.

That's a vape pen. Well, it's just two vape pens. It's a vape pen and an Emporium.

Come on down to vape pens Emporium.

Snorlax. That would be a snoring man and a woman saying, just relax. Did you do Charmander? We did Charmander, yes. We did Charmander.

You did Bulbasaur. Did you do Jigglypuff?

No, Jigglypuff would be puff pastry plus... The jig of it himself, Jay-Z.

Slowpoke?

Yeah, that's Jigglypuff's phrases. What was the last one? Slowpoke? Okay, that would be a turtle and poke. A turtle covered in raw fish, I want to say. A turtle covered in raw fish, yeah, absolutely. Which is just a Salmonella nightmare.

These are easy. I'm saying this is the world that you want to live in, Adal. I think it's a beautiful world and I'm here to support you in that journey. That's so fun.

What about Mew?

Jason Mewes and he just, it's him jerking off. Silent Bob is also there and he's like, stop man, we have to go. Come on dude. It's time to go.

I didn't think we had it in us to invent the best game of all time. I didn't see that for us. This is such a beautiful moment.

Hey everybody, this is Casey's Callout Response Show, where I respond to being called out on the show when I can't respond. We've got a hell of an episode today, so let's get into it. Okay, first off, I dare you to remember the finale song from School of Rock and not think that. But secondly, let's see how JPC responds to things he liked from years ago that he's thinking of now. At JPCofly, Twitter, where can I get more tank tops like this? I think this is from Target, but I've never seen anything like it there in years.

Hmm. Are you trying to get the world to fall in love with him all at once? It's gonna be too much.

Erin?

We're cool.

This is one from four days ago. The tweet is, what's up gamers? I have a stomach ache. Yeah, gamers love that one actually. And feel free to scroll way down because he does a lot of stuff with pictures.

I'm feeling this dark world with art. Seems pretty noble.

Yeah, doing a lot of like retweets of other people too. Some kind of obscure shit.

Just for fun, let's take a look at Adal and JPC's retweets. Okay, promoting a project. Promoting a project. Self-promotion. Promoting a project. Self-promotion. Self-promotion. Promoting a project. Oh, a one-minute front-facing camera character vid. Promoting a project. Self-promotion. Promoting a project.

This is from July 18th. The letter K going to bed now.

Okay, this was posted at 8am after a 40 hour multiple day editing marathon, including Chex Notes, this show, which I tweeted about shortly before. But go off.

That's like a good, you know, aerial bird's eye view of like what kind of content you're lining up for. And do you want to wait in line for that? I recently went to Disney World and I waited in line for a ride for two hours. And after I did the ride, I was like, huh, not worth it.

Oh yeah, that's like when I spent two hours editing fart sounds Adal called for in a recent Patreon. When I got it on, I was like, didn't like that. A tweet about which did very well, mind you.

Go ahead, Erin, with one of Casey's tweets.

Americans believe it should be easy to vote. Oh, sorry. This is Mitch McConnell's Twitter. I don't know how I got it. America is in the red zone. No, probably against COVID. Let's see. Sorry. I keep, I don't know, Casey, your Twitter is a lot like Mitch McConnell's Twitter.

Okay, that is fair. I get that a lot. Anyway, that is our show. Thanks for the likes. I'll try to tweet more about cummies next time.

Uncle JP. Uncle JP Riddles. Hey Uncle JP. Hey, um... How'd you kids get in this hospital? We checked in at the guest registration desk. Oh.

Yeah, they said that you're taking visitors between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m.

That's my office hours. I'm a professor now. We brought you some Get Well Soon balloons. Oh, thank you. Can't eat these.

He tried anyways.

Ask him. We wanted to come visit you because we heard that you had a special three-year anniversary swan lumps you wanted to tell?

You heard that I had a special three-year anniversary, don't even know what that means in our constructed timeline, anniversary swan lumps that you wanted me to eat, you little piscreants. That's a portmanteau of miscreants and piss rats.

Wait, I misspoke. I'm sorry. We heard you had a three beer anniversary swan lumps.

That's more like it. Now, take the beer out and put a Sloppy Joe's inside. You got yourself a ball game.

Uncle JP Riddles?

Yes?

I have to ask this, and this is, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but was that man in the hospital bed next to you dead when you came in here, or...

That man next to me in the hospital bed was made of wood when I came in. I'm slowly bringing him back to life!

Okay.

You gotta admit, wood to dead guys is quite an improvement. Geppetto, no.

Have you been watching General Hospital on the TV all day and all night?

Listen, I'll go to any war General Hospital sends me to because I am a soldier in this world. Now you kids want to hear a swan lumps or not.

Yeah!

All right, here we go. Dusting off the old swan lump sack, reaching in real deep. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh, lots of sardine bites. Oh, I got to get those in the water.

Okay. You have porcupine in there? Why do you have so many porcupine needles in your hand?

There's so many needles in my hand because there is no porcupine in there. Those are trophies.

Uncle J.P., how come your toupee is AstroTurf?

Because it was paid for by the Koch brothers.

Uncle J.P.C.?

Yeah.

How come none of the nurses like you? We thought they were coming to visit you and they said, ugh.

Probably a combination of raw sexual charisma and just me being generally unpleasant to people.

What a terrible combination.

Swanlumps2776. The future was bleak. Air raid sirens played day and night. The oceans were lava and the lava was gravy and the gravy was all out of mashed potatoes. There he was. Cyborg JP Riddle standing atop a squirrel mountain. I know what you think of what's a squirrel mountain. What a squirrel mountain is a naturally formed formation when enough squirrels die that their bones solidify and oscillate and they create themselves a little mountain with a caldera and a cavern system underneath. That's where Cyborg JP Riddles made his home. What did he have here? Two annoying little fucking hologram kids. All they had was questions and questions and questions, and they were probably working with the nurses. That's right, in 2776, the nurses are the enemy, and they're trying to take over the world with their shots and their prods and their pokes, and their good cheery attitudes, and they're underpaid, underappreciated.

Yeah, Uncle JP, do you really think that this is the year to come out hard against nurses?

I should have done it last year. What was I waiting for? Oh, GP Riddle, you always wait too long. You miss the cultural zeitgeist.

Uncle GP, what's going on with the voicemail you left us that said you were joining the X-Men?

Yeah.

No, I said I was conscripted into the X-Men because I lost a bet with Cyclops. I said I could kiss longer, but he kissed way longer than me.

Uncle JP Riddles, why is it that you're in the hospital? No one will tell us what you're sick of.

They give you free bread every three days in here. I'm as healthy as a horse, and by that I mean I have a lot of horse diseases. Anyway, the cyborg ate the holograms and he beat all the nurses down and broke their spirits and formed them to his will. And then JP Riddles the cyborg was the king of all society. That's Swanlumps 2776, the end.

Chief Uncle JP? Huh? Did you know that Today is the three year anniversary of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Well, that's questionable. Some may say we missed it by a week, but this is certain that today the episode's coming out. You're crazy.

And Uncle JP, everyone in the hospital says that you're not allowed to have any more elected surgeries. You actually have to need the surgeries from now on to get them.

I'll tell you what, that surgery won that election fair and square. It beat out a lot of other really deserving surgeries to take place on my body.

God damn it.

No? Well next surgery, I'm voting for Adal Rifai.

I'm voting for JPC. And I'm voting for Adal Rifai. I think he'll be very good.

Ooh, I won.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you're some sort of fictional president that hasn't existed yet. And you're about to die in a really embarrassing way. And you're just trying to stop it because you're like, no, this is what people are going to remember me for. And JPC, you're there too.

Sorry, I'm about to do what? I'm about to die in an embarrassing way?

Yeah, and you're trying to stop it because you're like, oh no, everyone will associate me with this really embarrassing way of dying instead of all of the work I did for the country.

I see, I see. Okay, here we go. President Anthony Backflip. It's time to eat the most fish anyone's ever eaten.

Remember Mr. President, you don't have to eat the most fish, you just have to beat the penguin. It's a puff piece, it's just for the press. Don't go overboard, you just have to beat the penguin. A puff piece? Is that a penguin joke? Yes, I'm your head speech writer, I'm your head joke writer as well.

Okay, well, no, Anthony, what are you doing? You know what? If I choke on a fish or I die from eating too much fish, I just had a flash of what that would look like written in history books and it's so embarrassing, right? Mr. President, I say, Carpe Diem.

Go for it. Is that a fish joke? It is a fish joke. I'm also working into a fish speech so I'm kind of workshopping things live. Again, my role is kind of fluid. It kind of changes.

Of course, of course. Say it back to me. What's a way we can spin this? To where if I do die eating the most amount of fish ever, what's a way we can spin that to make it sound cool or daring or heroic?

Well, I think that even if you do die eating fish, I think that you will go down in history as one of the best presidents we've ever had. And I truly believe that. Again, it was a joke. I do want to tell you, I am appointed by Congress, so you cannot hire or fire me. You do not have that power.

I'm a congressional appointee. Ah, fine. Okay, so if he died breaking record, that's vague enough that it's kind of cool and kind of fun.

Yeah, but I just don't necessarily think that people are going to remember it that way.

Extra, extra. President Backflip dies from eating something fishy.

Wait, let me see this newspaper. Hey, he died of old age. This was a red herring. I'm so happy that I said you're there too because you had so many fish buns. I was just perched ready to go. I can't imagine that I have more. I don't think I know more fish.

Yeah, your brain has definitely turned to jelly.

This is all I wanted the podcast to be.

Thank you two for finally getting on board.

It's so sad to get 150 episodes to finally be doing all of the jokes you want us to do.

Okay, we gotta move on. And sardines.

I want to see a scene. Oh, okay. Erin, you are a farmer. Thank you. And now we'll get into the scene. Erin, you're a farmer. You found that you have been unsuccessful as a farmer because you sleep too heavily. So you have invested in a rooster. So this is morning number one with your new investment. JPC, you are the rooster and you're maybe not worth the money that was paid.

Sure. Pardon me, ma'am. Now, I've been perusing through your kitchen supplies and I noticed that you have a wide variety of herbal teas.

Why are you in my room?

It's so dark outside. I'm a coffee rooster myself. And I do not get up out of bed without a hot cup of junk.

Are you wearing my bathrobe?

Now, this is your bathrobe? Then why does it fit me so well? That's what I would like to know.

I can only see your head. What do you mean it doesn't fit you so well?

Nah, I did find a little can of instant coffee, but a good God-fearing rooster such as myself would never deign to put instant coffee in his delicate rooster throat.

Are you wearing my glasses? Am I dreaming?

These yaw glasses? Well then why has my prescription never felt so right? I must be near-sighted, far-sighted, and got all kinds of astigmatism.

Wait, sorry. I hear the rooster I hired yesterday. Aren't you supposed to stand on top of the roof and go, too high?

It's simply too high up there, ma'am. Now I didn't make my way up on top of the roof and I gotta tell you, those 30 year shingles aren't rated past 25 and they got five years left if there's a life of rooster in my butt.

This is a real boundary cross. I'm in bed with my wife right now.

The only reason I came and got this job is because my wife crossed kind of a boundary with another rooster, and I said, I'm packing up my bags, heading down to the Rooster Depot, and getting out of here.

Are you wearing my wedding ring?

This is your wedding ring? That's an honest mistake. I do apologize, I take it off, and I give it back. I did not see a gentleman in the house.

Men, you have to stay outside with the other animals. You can't just come into my house. You can't wear my bathroom, my glasses, and my ring.

Stay outside with the other animals? You expect me to frolic around with the chickens? You expect me to crows around with the cows? You expect me to hang out with the horses? Yes. I have never been so insulted in my life, and I got salted out of Kentucky Fried Chicken from there on 30 minutes when they thought that I was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm not done yet. I got ready more to tell. Hey there, hots and tols. If you like that, a clip show, you're going to love this, not a clip show. This week on the Patreon, we've got Deanna Ortiz from the Crushes podcast playing her game, Hot or Tall. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by joining the Patreon clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew for $8 a month. And starting the first of the year, you get all our episodes ad free at the $8 tier. That's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. See you there.

That was a Headgum podcast.