Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin. I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Oh, you do?

What does that mean? You know, I told you guys that I was really interested in having like thicker, fuller, healthier hair. And you guys were like, oh, just go down to the pond and grab one of those ducks and try to eat the whole duck, cram the duck into your mouth.

JPC, I think I see what happened here. What? I told you to check out NutraFowl. You checked out NutraFowl.

I dunno what you did.

And that just adds to the problem, okay?

You can take charge of your hair growth in the next few months of your time. You can grow thicker, fuller, healthier hair without using damaging styling tools and chemicals.

So neutrophowl is a duck that I ate at a pond. And neutrophole is formulated with potent botanicals to help you grow hair as strong as you are. And it's physician formulated to be 100% drug free.

That's what I've been saying. And they use natural, not like a duck natural, they use natural clinically effective botanicals for better hair growth through whole body health.

Yeah, it also may help you get a handle on your sleep, your stress response, your skin, your nails, and your libido. Hello!

And hopefully it curbs your duck eating. Oh, and they have a hair wellness quiz for customized product recommendations?

Okay! It's a quiz you can't fail, so you can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to Nutraful.com and using promo code RIDDL to save $15 off your first month's subscription. This is their best offer anywhere, and it's only available to US customers and ducks for a limited time. Plus, free shipping on every order. Get $15 off at neutrifold.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code RIDDLE for hair as strong as you are. And JBT, honestly, you're pretty strong if you digested a full duck.

No, the duck was stronger than me. It took my $15 and it flew away.

Oh, nerds. Oh, bummer.

Give me back my money. I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

You're not stuck, you're caught. Hold on, quick. So what's wrong? I was going down the chimney. I thought it'd be a funny intro if I went down Erin's chimney. I can't get out.

We made it narrower at the bottom.

Why did you do this?

You owe us $20 each. You know I'm top heavy. I know.

We know. We know.

Okay, here. I can't.

You know how much we had to ruin this chimney to make it narrower at the bottom?

Do you know how much this vampire outfit cost me to rent? Hold on. What? What are you wearing? A vampire outfit because it's Christmas.

Doesn't matter. We're clearly in no state to record. So instead of recording, we are going to do a best of episode from 2021. I listened to 52 episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle's main feed in about 10 days. I now understand you all at a more personal level. I can't believe we do this show to you. We appreciate you sticking around. Oh, Erin, sweetie. I know. You're shaking. I know.

I do want to mention, I feel like the best way for our audience to grow is by word of mouth. So if you know anyone over the holidays that might enjoy the show, talk to them at the dinner table. When they ask for you to pass the gravy or something, spill a little on the ground.

And when they say, hey, you spilled gravy, say, meet me down here. And when they lean down to scoop up the gravy you spilled, say, don't tell anyone else, but listen to the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle.

No. It's pretty good. No, no, no, no, no. Veto, Veto. Listen, I don't want anybody, if someone's listening to this show, I don't want your freak family listening to this show, okay? Look, the show is like the ring. You've made it more than seven days, so you are living on borrowed time. You gotta give this show, this curse, to someone else and you gotta do it fast. If you've been listening since the beginning, that's way too long. You're basically a dead man walking. You gotta give this show away stat.

Or a compromise, write down on an index card, Hey Riddle Riddle, wrap that index card in a box, wrap the box, give it as a present, someone will open it, they'll see Hey Riddle Riddle on a card, they'll check it out, you've got us a new listener. That's true.

Let's say maybe just text your friend from growing up and say you should check out this podcast.

They'll say, who is this?

Exactly. So this week and next week we're doing some of our favorite moments from the year. Unfortunately, it's not the sweater twice, which is what everyone who follows us on Instagram wanted it to be.

God, I wish we just replayed the sweater in its entirety.

That was this year? I know. I know. That was 2021? I know. I know. But we're not going to be back until the new year, but we really appreciate all your support, and we hope that you enjoy these episodes. And maybe these will be the episodes that convince your fianc to finally listen to the show. Maybe not, but maybe.

I mean, Erin, that's simply not true. If you want new episodes, you can just go to Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle, and you can listen to them. I mean, we're going to give the people who pay new episodes. Let's not cloud around here. All right. The people who pay the money get the good episodes.

Let's go to the clip show now and let's all thank Erin Keif for listening to so many episodes to make this happen.

I'm officially my least favorite comedian after listening to all these episodes.

Erin, thank you so much. And from vampire claws, let me just say, I want to suck your joy. Give me my money. Get me out of here. I'm stuck.

Yeah, we need the money because we spent our money on vampire outfits.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey, what's the cabin of an airplane?

Erin Keif, welcome to the Gates of Heaven. I am Peter Gabriel.

Oh, sorry. Just give me one second. I just died. Ow. Ah. Oof. Okay. I'm okay. Okay. What's up? Oh, are you warming up for heaven? Yeah. I just, I want to impress God. I just have a feeling that he's going to ask me to sing or something. Go ahead.

Should I lead you in a warmup?

No, it's okay. I mean, do the speech you normally do. Just, I just want you to have an easy day at work. Go ahead.

Did you know that you don't need unique New York?

Ah, fun.

Yes.

Okay.

You'll find that and many more secrets we've been withholding here in heaven.

But first... I have a lot of true crime questions about who like... Oh, we don't listen to true crime podcasts. Oh, fuck me. Okay.

Did you in your life? Did you?

Yeah. I just, I thought that maybe I'd get to heaven and then I'd learn about all the unsolved true crime cases. But you know what? That's fine. That's fine.

Well, to get into heaven, we just have to ask you the one question. What did you do on earth that should allow you entrance to heaven?

Well, I did 150 plus episodes of a Riddle podcast with two men.

And pulling the lever. Welcome, JPC. I am Beelzebub. Welcome to the Gates of Hell. Are these towels for everybody? Those towels are for everyone.

Okay. Cause I'm going to ruin these towels. So don't use toilet paper.

They're already ruined. They're infested with bed bugs.

Perfect.

So am I. What kind of milkshakes you got down here? We, we have milkshakes that are, um, the flavor is steak.

Okay. That's fine. As long as there's steak flavor.

God damn it. JPC, I'm so sorry. I'm here too. Did we die at the same time? That's kind of fun.

Yeah.

Are these towels for everyone?

Wait, did we? Yeah, they're for everybody. Go ahead. Yes, they're for everyone, but they're ruined. Hey, knuckles, shut your mouth. Sorry, I could tell you're subconscious about your knuckles. That's why I usually pick a nickname, which is the one thing that people are like, well, if you're not now, then you will be self-conscious about those.

Look at that. You're going to get kicked out of hell. Careful.

I'm also self-conscious about my tails.

Is it noticeable? It's very noticeable. Wait, we died at the same time? Yeah. Well, the only context that we would be together, there would be one other person that's obviously here as well.

Oh.

Where the hell's Casey? Where's Casey Tony?

Before you go into hell, you have to tell me why you deserve to be in hell.

Well, I never retweet my friends when they're funny.

Oh, now we ended up back at a riddle podcast. Perfect. One layer lower than hell. I'm Erin Keif.

I'm Adal Rifai in Purgatory. I'm JPC and I'm writing down the beginning of that song because I think that there's something there.

The 12 Deadly Sins of Social Media. I feel like that's a Randy Rainbow song. Am I thinking of the wrong cereal? Smacks. A frog? Yeah, a frog. Is Smacks a frog, right? Smacks the frog? Smacks is a frog, yes.

Who the fuck is Smacks?

Aaron, you don't remember Smacks the frog?

No, I'm googling on yet now.

I'd like to request a C in my queen.

Yes.

I would like to see a scene. JPC is Smacks the Frog, showing up in a commercial for Smacks, or Honey Smacks, whatever it's called. Erin, you are a child eating Smack cereal, but you had no idea it had a mascot, and you are terrified and confused by this frog.

Holy shit, this looks so much like JPC.

Yeah, it really does. Backwards hat, tank top.

His shirt says dig him. Oh my god, I gotta get you that shirt. I hope I have you for Chris's.

Okay, so I'm Smacks the Frog.

You're Smacks the Frog. Erin's playing basically a younger version of herself who has no idea about this mascot and she just, she's digging into a bowl of smacks and the mascot appears as they usually do in commercials, but this has a bit more of a horrifying turn.

Hello? No way! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, stop, stop, stop screaming, stop screaming, stop screaming, stop fucking screaming.

Okay, my mom's purse is over there.

Frogs have very sensitive eardrums, okay? You think you just blew out a fucking eardrum. Jesus Christ.

We have a book in our bookshelf that has money in it. You can get that money into the dictionary.

I got a shirt that says, dig them in a backwards hat. What do I need money for, okay? Waddle waddle waddle waddle, bangs the frog. Are you enjoying your surprise?

If you tell your mom about me, if you tell your mom about me, you're gonna find out why they call me Smackster.

If you fucking say anything about, why do, why do, why do I smack the frog? Are you enjoying your hunting smack cereal?

Um, I'm friends with Tony the Tiger and I can get him down here in two seconds. Can you be sorry?

I can call Tony the Tiger's parole officer and have Tony the Tiger in jail for life.

You wouldn't.

I would. I would.

You're a monster.

I'd slit the trick's rabbit's fucking neck.

You did? I could.

Hey, are you enjoying your honey smack cereal?

It's delicious. I love it.

You gotta sell it. You gotta make me believe you love this cereal. If you ever want to see your mom and dad again, you gotta make me believe you like honey smack cereal.

Please don't hurt them. I thought I grabbed the cornflakes from the shelf. Why did my mom buy these?

Don't blame your mom. She's a nice lady. In fact, after your dad's out of the picture, Maybe smacks the frog and your mom go to Aruba. I cheated real nice.

Smack the frog, please don't fuck my mom. Please smack the frog. Don't make my mom fall in love with you. Don't make love to my mom.

That's your mom's choice. Smack the frog is a total bystander in his life and he takes no accountability for his actions. Your mom falls in love with smacks the frog. We're going to find out why they call me smacks the frog. And it's because I smacks the ass.

What does that mean, Smack the Frog?

Did someone need help?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Oh, this is not great!

I'm Smack the Frog! I got a gun, and I had it in every box! I'm crazy, and these boxes teleport me, and I fuck everybody's moms. That's what I do.

Honey, did I hear a noise? No mom, we're doing great! Who's we? Me and Smack the Frog! Okay. Do you want me to buy more? I want you to leave, Rick.

Amazing. I think the line of dialogue that perfectly sums up this show is, smacks a frog, please don't fuck my mom. And one and two and we are perverts. Hey everyone, it's Adal Riddle. Erin texted us that exact phrase maybe two weeks ago, and I told her after I died laughing, I said, that's how we're going to start the next episode. And so true to our word, we had to start with we are perverts.

I don't even have a guess at the context. Why did I say that?

The we are perverts thing was in reference to when you lost your blood and I said that I had it, but it wouldn't be any good to anyone anymore after what I had done to it.

It sounds like you're joking, but that's actually what happened.

Can you read from that to where we said, to where Erin texted that? I'm sure I surely can.

Will you? Oh yes, I can. Okay. Erin said, I'll be home in 20 and we'll upload right away. Now this isn't a reference to uploading the files for the episode. Then Erin said, I'm coming from the doctor where they, caps, lost my blood. So I didn't get my testers' notes back. So if you guys could keep an eye out for my blood, I'd really appreciate it. Adal said, my god. I don't know what that's a reference to. Casey said, sorry, I didn't know you still needed that, in reference to the blood. I said, I technically have it, but it's different now. I don't think it would be much use to anyone except a select group of perverts. Erin said, well, at least I know it's in good pervert hands. Adal said to sit down at the Allstate slogan. Erin responded, we are perverts.

That's got to be our new, that's how we have to start every episode is we are perverts.

But it's true the doctor lost my blood and I wanted to be mad and yell, but I was like, oh, but these healthcare workers have it horrible. And I don't want to be, I don't want to hurt any of their feelings, but I had to go in twice to give blood to get a test because not enough blood came out the first day. So they're like, come back tomorrow. We'll get more blood out of you. And they poked me 14 times altogether. I went in and they said, we lost your blood.

And Erin, you're still going to Dr. Aculo, right?

Yes, thank you. It's also a bar.

It's a fine line. It's a fine line between we have to respect healthcare workers and they keep losing my blood because your blood feels like something that's pretty important.

Yeah, here's the thing. It's not their fault. I think there's... I have very slippery blood. Yeah, I do.

I mean, if we're saying things that we heard earlier in the episode, Erin was talking about a show that her mom had her watch and she said, my mom turned me on and I said nothing.

I know and that's why I tried to talk fast.

I said nothing because I knew what would happen. I would get in trouble because Erin's mom listens. And if I went on this long rant about how Erin's mom turns me on, I would get in trouble and I'm trying not to get into trouble anymore.

When you're around so many funny boys like I am all the time. I'm around two funny boys all the time. You're both equally funny. You have to talk really quickly when you accidentally say something sexual. So they don't have... things need oxygen to breathe and so to live. So like their jokes can't live if I don't give them space for their jokes. You understand?

And I'd just like to say, not even a joke. Nothing funny about it, nothing constructive about it. Wasn't written, was it? No laugh? Just not a joke. Just a Freudian slip.

Just a Freudian slip. Oh Mr. Freudian, Mr. Freudian slip.

Oh Mr. Freudian, you're my dad. I mean I love you. I mean penis, Mr. Freudian.

That's it. That's the pinnacle of the show. Nothing gets better than that joke.

I mean penis, Mr. Frodo.

Oh, Mr. Frodo, I want to fuck my dad. I mean, kill the ring.

Oh, Mr. Frodo. Okay, that is a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun. Outstanding. What are there four of?

I don't know, but I'm saying right now, I'm naming this episode, Freudioian Slip.

I want the strawberry. I mean, I want to fuck my family.

All right.

TCBY, my sister. I mean, there is a hint. Ken does provide a hint. I think our hint is going to give it away, but I'm ready. Ken says it's a spelling riddle. So spelling is a big part of this. I'll read it one more time.

Oh, so maybe the word is door, D-O-O-R, and the keyhole is the O in the middle or something?

I'll read it one more time. Yes. My first is foremost legally. My second circles outwardly. My third leads all in victory. My fourth twice ends a nominee. My hole is this gate's only key.

Love.

Love.

Guys. You guys, you can't hear me over my sweatshirt.

We're making fun of your shirt again. Can't stop thinking about that shirt.

Let's get some room down and you're all good. Okay. Erin, your shirt's a little loud. Could you turn it down?

Okay. Goddamn it.

Casey's getting in on it. Okay. Okay.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Is that a sweatshirt or a hippies parachute?

Okay. Okay. You each have six more, so they better be good. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that is a little too cute and noticeable, so the boys have been erosting me.

Wow. To start off our sound test, we absolutely burnt Erin to the ground. Your sweater has been called a Keith Haring original. It's been called a hippies parachute. JPC called it a carnival map.

Yeah. What else did you say, JPC?

I don't remember, but I do have a question for you. You said that we were allowed to burn your sweatshirt many more times over the course. One thing that you said that struck me as particularly odd is that you said you wear this sweatshirt almost every day.

That's what you said.

Yet we have never seen it before. Because I would remember such a sweatshirt because of all of the jokes blowing up inside of my room.

Do you? Casey even got in on it.

Do you wear underwear? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Erin, but when you say the live show, are you referring to the Hey Riddle Riddle live show or are you referring to the high school rendition of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat? Because that is where that sweatshirt is supposed to be.

Can I tell you? My chiropractor already made that joke. You're just as funny as my chiropractor. How does that feel?

So Erin, you've seen four people today and all four of them have made fun of your sweatshirt. Take the note.

Even though this is even worse, I saw my chiropractor Friday and I was wearing this.

First of all, Joseph was like my fifth pole. So the chiropractor is as funny as me on my fifth pole. Damn. I mean, you wear that just throughout the course of your day doing normal activities or is that exclusively for entertaining the king? I'm wearing a gray Ohio State. Look, I get that it's a podcast, no one will ever see this, and I get that this is unlistenable, but I still can't stop. It's all I can see.

Honestly, it makes me feel good because this is what used to happen when I would see you guys at shows. That's true. Not that I would sometimes make fun of the way you look. I'd go wash your suits much and you'd go, never! So it's nice to be roasted for your clothes again, but not but 20 minutes ago did I think Wow, I'm so excited to see them. Man, it feels like I haven't seen them in a while and I'm really excited. And then I get on and JPC said, what the first thing you said?

Oh, the Fresh Prince thing. Is it odd that no one's seen Will from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in a couple of days?

And then you said you made a golem that is 91.

Yeah, the year 91. That's totally true.

How are you guys?

Honestly, I was kind of down. I was kind of sleepy, very hungry. A little like, I don't know how much energy I can muster. And then the minute that I saw this out of print tarot card on your body, I was energized. I was hit by lightning of energy.

I was the same way. I was having kind of a weird off day. It's like snowing again in Chicago after we had like really nice weather for a while. But just knowing that I get to do a podcast with Kamala Harris's stepdaughter makes it all worthwhile.

I did try to ask you about how your days were going. It's almost as if you were feeling gloomy and then my sweatshirt sort of cheered you up.

Cheered me up in the same way that a factory recall of fruit-straps bubblegum would cheer me up.

You guys, I'm about to open myself up for even more ridicule.

Please.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

In my head, this was like you went to a Salvation Army and you found a secret door to like the back lot where they were like, there's an executioner squad surrounding the sweater with the rifles raised. And then you went, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'll take it. And they're like, oh, thank God we were about to put it out of this misery.

It looks like it had to be like wrapped in gray cloth because it made animals go crazy. They had to go like, this is too dangerous. This makes people do very violent things.

We're like, this sweater portrays all holidays at once and it's driving customers crazy. It's like the ring VHS tape.

This sweater is a diversion. It looks like I'm trying. My buddy is robbing you right now.

And when you said that you saw that sweater online, was it on like a clothing retailer website or were you like looking up like the historical record of melted tapestries?

No, it came up on my Instagram and I was like, oh, I love this so much. Like, if I wore a sweatshirt, I would be that sweatshirt. And then it sold out really quickly.

And then I was... Oh, for sure.

And then when they restocked, it went on sale briefly. Even with it on sale, it's one of the most expensive things I've ever bought myself.

You said, I want to wear tie-dyed Zuma pants on my top half.

Erin, I did say before we started recording that we're supposed to be solving the riddles not wearing them. That was another one of my birds.

Yeah, you said that. I don't think we should post a photo of it online.

I think we just let people... We let people draw it, and whoever gets closest, they win the sweater. Without going over. Without going over. Whoever gets closest without going over. They win the sweater.

Well, I'm going to give everyone one hint besides all of the information. I'm so embarrassed and I was wearing like this shirt a minute ago and was like it's a little chilly so I almost dodged this.

Also we haven't even talked about the collar. The collar does not look it doesn't it doesn't look comfortable also.

Oh look at this. It's full of lovely sleeves on the inside.

The only nice part of this sweater is inside where you can't see it. Erin has just showed us. The whole crew neck of this sweater looks like it was made for an ogre with two heads that would be arguing with itself.

Yes, and two other details. This came with matching shorts that I did not buy, but I wish I had now. Also, I spent about $100. I try to never buy anything new. I love shopping secondhand. If you need some hints on how to do that, I have lots of great resources.

If you need hints on how to do that, look at the sweater and then don't take tips from Erin.

No please, but you guys buy secondhand. It's more sustainable and I just love it.

The only way that I'm coming to you for hints and tips wearing that sweater is if I need help getting out of Neverland like immediately.

I've never felt happier in an article of clothing. I think I look awesome. This is exactly how I'm trying to look. So this is truly one of the funniest things.

You look like the Easter Bunny bled out on your chest.

Erin, taking one look at that, my first guess would never be on purpose.

Yep.

That's not true. And the words on purpose do not go together.

Okay, are you telling me I don't look cute as a goddamn button?

From the top of the head to the neck, you look outstanding. Erin, you look outstanding in anything else.

Erin, we have to... Okay, a few things. Number one, this episode is called The Sweater. And honestly, I don't mind if we just talk about The Sweater the whole episode. In fact, I'm going to make it my fucking life's purpose to just talk about The Sweater tonight. So Erin, I believe you're the first baby new puzzles of the year.

That's why I'm wearing a diaper. You were all wondering. I'm wearing a diaper and a sash because I'm baby new puzzles.

But the sash and the diaper are not where you expect them to be. They're reversed.

I have a Miss America sash around my private parts and I got a diaper around my tits.

Hold on, hold on. Hold dead stop. The new Erin, you said and did nothing wrong. The only reason I called for a dead stop.

Don't tell me I said and did nothing wrong. This is the first time in dead stop history that I said and did everything wrong.

Not at all.

Tell me that I did everything wrong.

I want to encourage this behavior. I want to put gasoline on this behavior. The dead stop is purely because we have to say 2021 diaper tits.

I was laughing at how funny it is to say private parts and then Erin said diaper tits and I think I lost it. Hey diaper tits, where's my fucking coffee? We don't really do a good job of introducing new listeners to the show, so what I have done, I think a lot of podcasts in the game do this, I've done my research, I've listened to some other stuff, is they have little loglines, little like taglines that they say at the beginning of the podcast to kind of just let everybody know what kind of podcast this is going to be.

Okay, I fell behind a Burger King into a place. Magical land. I see, I get it, I get it, okay.

Jay Z, I introduced this about a year and a half ago.

When you're here, you're Riddles. Great. So, I think that that gives us most of the information that we need. I have written a few and I would just, I want you guys' opinion on them. I'm not saying that one of these has to be the thing that we say at the top of every episode. But it will be, but it will. But one of them could be, okay? Although I like the one here. My eyes and ears are peeping. I like the one that you did, Adal, that when you're here, you're Riddles, because again, it gives you all the information. Here we go. Here's the first one. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast where three comedians do our best to solve riddles and throw in some improvised scenes along the way.

Okay.

Our lizards, lizards, these are our lizards.

So hi, we're Hey Riddle Riddle. We're a podcast where we try our best to do scenes in riddles. Is that it? I'm trying to think of, is it memorable?

A podcast, yeah, okay. So I have other options because that one may be a little wordy. So how about this one?

Can we, can we, I know for a long time we called our, our fan base, Kevin's and Susie's. Can we start calling them old lizards? Is that fun to just call our fan base old lizards? Hey, old lizards.

Yeah, we're insulting a lot of people, animals, and things with that one, so I like it.

I don't think anyone's insulted by old lizard.

I think if you call someone an old lizard, one thing that's great about calling someone an old lizard, which is not great about Kevin and Susie, is it's gender neutral. Anyone can be a lizard.

And anyone can be old. And that's what's true.

I'm the most sensitive person in the world, and I would not be offended by old lizards.

Yeah, I mean, I've started calling people motherfuckers because that's also gender neutral.

So I'm just looking... I've started calling people future friends.

Erin, that's why you're the star of the podcast. This is a new motherfucking future friend, lizards. That's too verbose. Okay, here's my next one. Here's my next one, okay? A Riddles and Improv Comedy podcast hosted by three Chicago comedians.

Now I know... Well, I have notes. Okay. Erin's moving to LA.

Yeah, so that's hard.

I'm more of a Boston comedian.

And I've been told legally I can't call myself a comedian.

The judge said I'm a man who talks in circles. I'm a human pun hive. Get all these bees.

That's the truest thing you've ever said. You lie so much.

I've got all these reference bees. Okay, so that one's bad. That one's bad to you. Okay, how about this one? Okay. Okay. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast and three acts. Act one, we bullshit around for 10 minutes. Act two, we begrudgingly and half-heartedly attempt the premise of the show. And the final act is when we hit 60 minutes and realize that we haven't told you our social media handles.

Yes, I like that that's a real This American Life type show. I love it. I love that vibe.

I think people like a show and acts. Like world news, we would always introduce that as a show and act. I think that that helps drive people and introduce them what they're listening to.

We've got a problem. We can't legally call ourselves actors. Remember what the judge said?

Oh yeah, because of the bees. Okay, here's this one. I think that this is one that the person who found our show from the sweater episode is really going to enjoy. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast where we all show up and hope that one of us is wearing something interesting. Perfect.

No notes. That's definitely my favorite.

The only note I have about that one is it does say podcast where we all show up and oftentimes one of us, today it was me, is a little bit late. So that one might need a caveat to it.

Okay, I have to see a scene. We're like a three person comedy act from when TVs were just being invented. And this is before there's really any rules. So we're really going for it and it's pretty crass.

And now back to another episode of the Chicago Variety Show, starring three comedians. We take you to a saloon.

Bang, bang, my gun shoot. Let me get a sarsaparilla.

Alright, one sarsaparilla coming right up and all you gotta do to pay is have me punch you in the boobs. Fuck you, coward motherfucker. We're doing a sketch show. Where's Paul?

Where's the third male comedian? I'm sorry, I'm here. I was, I was gagged and tied into my, into my dressing room. I'm ready. Hey, I'm here, you. Mother.

All right. Beep beep. See in 20 years when they let women be funny.

Hey Riddle.

I'm just going to call for a scene because I'm so tickled by this idea now. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are Wylie Coyote. Erin, you are the roadrunner. And this is the day where the roadrunners just had enough and we get to hear its filthy fucking mouth and it just go off on the Wylie Coyote.

Okay. Okay, enough. Everybody, let's just stop running for a second. What are you doing?

Fucking fuck you, man. Hey, stop.

What?

You're not supposed to talk.

No, I don't care. Do you think I care? What are you doing? Oh, I care all of a sudden?

What are you doing?

Okay, stop it. Stop. You're driving me insane.

Kids are watching this, man. Come on, gotta keep going. They're gonna kill us if we don't keep going.

They're gonna kill us? Then kill me. Then kill me.

I'm not gonna kill you.

This life is torture. This is so annoying. You think I like it?

Yeah. You think I like being a wolf when it gets constantly fucking blown up by my own shit?

Yeah.

We gotta keep going.

Yeah, dude, you, I have a, okay, I'm being chased. Hey Riddle Riddle.

In this scene, you and Erin are both going to be members of the Elite Bomb Squad. You have been sent to dispatch and destroy a bomb that is going off. Adal, you have found a coconut and you're convinced that that is the bomb. Erin, you definitely want to keep looking because you don't quite think that that is the bomb.

Oh man, I can't believe this is my last day on the job until I retire with my beautiful wife and children. I hope nothing bad happens to me.

You're 32. You're retiring? What is your side hustle? Teach me the secret.

I got a little Etsy shop, but I've been working since I was like 15. Been pretty smart financially.

I almost die every day. I'm 47. And I'm missing almost all my fingers.

Yeah. I mean, I hope nothing bad happens to you already today. Wait, wait, you see it. Okay.

Be careful. Oh my God. Look at it. Oh my God. Look at it. It's covered in like a hair. It's like a fiber. Oh, these lawmakers are getting so smart.

Looks like a coconut drink. I can see a little crazy straw coming out of it. Little pineapple on the side.

Oh, yeah, that's the fuse. Crazy straw. That's the fuse. Hey, welcome to Jamba Juice. How can I help you guys? Hold on.

Stop.

You have a bomb on the counter. Now let me... This neon green fuse, it starts and has some crimps in it. Sir, sir, please don't reach over the plastic shield. The plastic shield is there for your protection.

Sir, have you ever seen Hurt Locker?

Catherine Bigelow, sir. Catherine Bigelow, sir.

Jeremy Riddish, problematic. I avoid all of his work.

Katherine Bigelow, take a step back.

I know, it's like a woman director, obviously I want to support that, but Jeremy Renner, and it's just like, I feel conflicted, I've never seen the movie, I've never seen the movie!

Okay, I'm gonna put- She was married to what's-his-name, Avatar Bitch.

James Cameron, James Cameron.

Yup, Avatar Bitch.

I'm gonna put my lips on the fuse here, and I'm gonna suck out the bomb juice, okay?

Now as I suck- But what about your family?

I told you, I got divorced.

Oh shit, okay then, you can, you're right, go ahead. Oh, gross. No, we're just gonna beat that up. Guys, Adal said something disgusting. We're gonna just- I tried to- This is all beeped out. This is all beeped out. Okay, let me- It's all beeped out.

Oh, sir. I have to charge you for that now. I mean, I have- You just- That first saving your life?

He just saved your freaking life.

This happens all the time.

Oh, the bomb has a little umbrella.

Scene. Okay, new rule today, everyone in every scene we do, someone has to do a walk-on and say, hi, welcome to Jamba Juice, how can I help you in every scene? Those clips were so funny. Great job, Hey Riddle Riddle hosts. And now a couple words from our sponsors.

Hey JPC, Erin, I'm so bummed that you two didn't make it out to my performance art piece last night.

Oh, that was last night? I was building a train.

Yeah, we were training a builder.

Can I do some of it for you now?

Sure. Oh no. I love it.

JPC. What interferes with your happiness is something preventing you from achieving your goals. What better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist?

Well then I love your show because I love better help. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. You can send a message to your counselor anytime and they'll get back to you with a thoughtful and timely response. You can even do video or phone sessions.

And unlike Adal's performance art piece, you'll never have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. By the way, why is there a waiting room to get into it? No one's there to see it ever again. And better help us commit to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. It's more More affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available and it's also available to clients worldwide.

And licensed professional counselors who are specialized in stress, anxiety, sleeping, trauma, anger, self-esteem.

So did you see like a stand-up do a bit about performance art and that's what you thought?

Yeah, it's almost like Dana Carvey's impression of Bush.

If you want to talk to a counselor about this on BetterHelp, anything you share is confidential, convenient, professional, and affordable.

So, if you want to start living a happier life today as a listener of Hey Riddle Riddle, and I guess someone who attended Adal's performance art piece, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

Could you please snap for my performance? Please snap. Please snap.

We're helping a builder train a train.

It's really involved.

It's really hard. Okay. Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin.

I got bone to pick with the two of you.

Oh. I'm sitting this one out. All right, Adal. I got it. But next time.

So remember how I told you guys that I couldn't really quiet my mind. I was having trouble relaxing. I was just going in circles, in low circles, circles, spinning, circles, spinning. And the two of you said, my man, what you got to do is eat as much bread as you possibly can. So I went into that bread space. I ate every loaf of bread that I could find. First of all, I felt awful. It only made the thoughts worse.

Now, it just feels like thoughts are running in endless circles in my mind, and I feel like with the stresses of this last year, it's more important than ever to practice living healthier and happier lives. And that means not taking JPC's bait. I'm sorry, Erin.

Go ahead. Hey JPC. Okay. Headspace is one of the most science-backed meditation apps in the world, proving meditation works. A study proves in just two weeks Headspace can reduce your stress by 14%. 14%!

Oh, so Headspace is the convenient dose of meditation, mindfulness, and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety and help you get a good night's sleep all in one app, make it easy to catch your breath, and make time for your mental health. And Breadspace isn't something that exists, it's something that I said will get yelled at by literally every Panera employee.

Exactly.

Okay, okay.

JPC, I use Headspace right before bed. It helps so much to unwind from my day and use some of their sleep meditations. I can't recommend it enough.

And you know, Erin and I can't control what happens in the world with JPC in it, but with Headspace, you can learn to take control of your own mental health and choose how you respond. So JPC, I want to apologize how I talked to you earlier. I just used Headspace, I calmed down, and you're my friend and I love you. You know what?

I think that this is very good for me. I'm just going to make a quick stop at a corner bakery. I'm just going to do some of my bread space. No, you know what? No, I'm not going to. What I'm going to do is I'm going to find some Headspace at Headspace.com slash Riddle and get one month free of their entire meditation library. This is the best Headspace offer available. So go to Headspace.com slash Riddle today. That is Headspace.com slash Riddle.

Actually, can you pick me up some honey grain?

At all.

No, I'm just saying all this talk about bread and I'm hungry. I'm just saying.

I got bread blind when I go in there so whatever you get is what you get my man.

Adal.

Adal.

I'm just saying. Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with you.

Yeah, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. What is it? What's going on? So you know how I told you that around the house I was looking for kind of a place to lounge and be comfortable and you guys told me that I should build an all fort? So I took all the pillows at every room in the house and I stacked them up and I made a little drawbridge and then Mariah came home from a real job and she said, what the What are you doing? I left you home to take care of the dog.

Hey Erin, this is my bad. I actually did send him allfort.com.

I did too, but I actually thought of a better solution just now.

Well you and I know the better solution because we have furniture from all form.

Yeah, we love our all form couch.

Oh, Allform. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys are talking about the company that comes from Helix Mattresses, except now they're leaving the bedroom and they start making sofas, and they just launched a new company called Allform, and they're already making the best sofas in the game. That Allform?

Yes. Yes. I mean, for starters, it's the easiest way you can customize a sofa using premium materials at a fraction of the cost of traditional stores, you idiot. Man.

And you can pick your fabric in its spill, stain, and scratch resistant. And I have a dog and these are the easiest couches to clean, I'm obsessed.

Okay, so they've also got armchairs and love seats all the way up to an eight seat sectional. So there's something for everyone. You know how many pillows it took? I had to go to a neighbor's house just and ask for their pillows just to build a love seat. Oh my, this is so much easier.

We're ruining your life. Actually, JPC, they not only have armchairs, but your birthday was literally yesterday. So what I did is I ordered you a parm chair. What it is, it's an all form armchair, but you can eat Parmesan cheese in it. That's all of their cares.

We've blown that for next time.

Not only just like Helix is my favorite mattress I've ever owned, Allform is my favorite couch I've ever owned. I built my own with two shea lounges. I don't know how to spell that, but I know my feet and body like it.

And the good news is they offer financing and flexible payment plans, so an amazing sofa is never far away. They even offer a forever warranty. Forever. Literally forever.

If you currently own like a futon or something, it's time to grow up. It's time to become an adult. I did so at the age of 39 and I got myself an all form couch. It's adult furniture you're going to love. It looks great. It's comfy. It's the best.

And if getting a sofa without trying it out in a store sounds a little risky, you don't need to worry because it can't be riskier than what I did with all of our pillows. Plus you get a hundred days to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund. Mariah's saying, who's going to pick up all these pillows? I'm not going to do it for free. They also offer exclusive discounts for teachers, students, military, and first responders, so to find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com slash riddle. And Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com slash riddle.

What are you gonna do with the palm chair I got you? Eat it?

These come from David Nicholas who says we can use their name and that would be cool actually if we use David's name. So that's cool.

Here. Oh, okay. So wait, I'm sorry, Erin. You said it would be cool if we use David Nicholas's name.

Yeah. So put your sunglasses on and then say it.

Hey, David Nicholas.

Oh yeah.

In relation to old saint.

Oh my God.

I want to introduce myself as David Nicholas, but what career am I giving David Nicholas that I think is really cool and really perfect for him? So let's see. Nice to meet you. David Nicholas. House photographer.

Nope.

That was nothing. That was bad.

Hi, I'm David Nicholas, and I teach college classes about the movie Goodfellas.

College classes?

Multiple classes. You mean film studies? No, no, no. Just Goodfellas. You gotta slice the garlic real thin. Come on, is there reference to Goodfellas?

Adal, do you want to try it? Do you want to try? Yeah.

Hey, my name is David Nicholas and I flip pennies to see how many times it's heads and how many times it's tails.

Pretty cool.

That's 80% of a good Jack Nicholas impression too, I think. Thank you. That's 90%. You're getting better.

Hey, I'm David Nicholas and I'm in charge of moving all the rocks.

Hey, David Nicholas is my name and Cutlery is my game, Riddle by Fork.

Wow.

My name is David Nicholas. Would you like to try some of my new patented coffee bread?

Hey, I'm David Nicholas. I test out the slip and slides.

The name's David Nicholas and yeah, your plane just crashed on my island.

Okay, you win.

Nah, that's him as like a Bond villain, basically.

I'm David Nicholas and I own half the world's blimps.

Sorry, half the world's blimpies. And the other half? Luck.

What are we doing?

I don't know. He's cool. He's cool.

David, you're cool. Adal, you are a, let's say a chef and you've just made a dinner for one and you're trying to give your compliments to the chef, which is you.

What we have here is sea scallops. They're drizzled with a mango chutney. We have a Souchon of grilled asparagus with sea salt and caramel. And we also have some cherry tomatoes and a reduction of duck fat vinaigrette. Very good. Thank you. Okay. Ooh, my compliments to the me. Okay, I'm getting the tanginess. I get a little umami. The duck fat is almost like, it almost tastes like foie gras. It's this beautiful, just glowing after. Oh, that's what I was going for. Sorry. That's what I was going for. Oh, good. Good, good, good, good. Now the asparagus, what is this at? It's a little limp. Okay. Well, I was just working with the produce you provided me. Um, these are not in season. Asparagus is not in season. If you had given me some Hemica or some, um, some green onion, I could have done something a little bit better. No, that's fine. That's fine. Okay. Well, why don't you go back to the kitchen and, um, await the judge's decision. Judges? Okay. I think this is bad. Yeah. I think this is also pretty bad. Yeah, I'd say this is the worst food I've ever eaten. It's almost inedible. I'm hiding it in the pocket of my cheek like a squirrel. Can you come back out here, chef? Yes. This is very bad. This food is very bad.

I'm here with Chef Livingston, who just got a scathing review in the New York Times from himself. Chef, what did it feel like to get such a harsh review from a food critic that was also yourself?

Well, it's a pretty tough blow, but I don't want to blame anyone. But I do want to say that the other day in the alley, I was out behind the restaurant and a smaller version of me hit under my hat and was pulling my own hair to direct me where to go and how to cook.

That sounds like an excuse, Chef, and if you could say anything to yourself right now, what would you say?

Well, I'd have to say that I'm definitely not 50 spiders in a balloon, and, um, uh, bye-bye.

Back to you, Kyle, in the studio, who's gonna talk about all those spiders that got loose, Kyle.

Yeah, I'm freaking out. I saw that balloon pop and I saw those things scatter everywhere and I'm taking off my shoes and my socks. Why? Because I think they're on my feet and I want to be able to see them if they're on my feet.

We all work as one. Same.

The two of you are knights. You are trying to storm a castle to take it over. You have come upon a moat, except there is no drawbridge at all. It's a pretty steep drop, and there's alligators in the basin of the moat.

My lord, I've just come back from the battlefield. It looks like the castle is near impregnable.

Ew, what? Ew, you're trying to get this castle pregnant. You said you'd done doing that, sir.

Oh, yeah. I'm meeting with someone twice a week. They're helping me through it, but it's a process, so it's not like an immediate switch.

You haven't even sent the money to the last castle you got pregnant.

First of all, first of all, We're still waiting on the DNA test to come through because we don't know. We don't know what we do.

Who else is fucking these castles?

That's what I'm saying. Who else are you? Because I smelled. It doesn't smell like my horse and that drawbridge.

Excuse me. Sorry. I'll see you on the other side. I'm on the castle side if you give a gander. Welcome to Jamba Juice. It's a new idea I have. I've taken various fruits and vegetables that I found around the castle and I've made some sort of smoothies.

I'll take a smoothie, but first guard your castle. This man's gonna love it and fuck it.

Hold on, I don't even know if it's even a castle I'm interested in yet.

You said it was impregnable. You want to get the castle pregnant.

Did you also say that the last castle that you got unpregnant, that you didn't even get a D&D test?

Well, you got a really good hearing up there, don't you? I guess my voice just carries straight up to that buttress.

I would like a strawberry and banana smoothie, please. Strawberry and banana? What are those?

What are those?

What do you mean, what do you mean, what are those?

What do you mean, what do you mean, what do you mean?

Here's the flavors I have. Potato.

Ew.

End of list.

No!

My lord, my lord, where you've been distracting the wizard who lives in the castle, I've found that the castle has a back door, and it looks like a back door that I could come inside pretty easily.

First of all, you've given him awful lots of credit for being a wizard. He's just making drinks. Anyone can make juice and smoothies.

Oh, I don't believe anyone could. He obviously uses some sort of witchcraft or wizardry to blend the two concepts of food or potato and... Okay, let me put a potato on my mouth and chew while gargling milk.

I'm not gargling milk.

Definitely a wizard. Definitely a wizard.

Wait, look. Behind you. No? Um, excuse me. I'm a half-castle half-man and I think he might be my father. My mouth is a drawbridge. My blood is a mouth. My eyes are flat from the top of the castle. My arms are regular human man arms.

I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to raise you as my own. I know it's going to be hard, but especially as a single dad who has a very dangerous job, storming castles, but it's you and me now. Do you have a name, son?

Here we go. An Antarctic bird that can't even do one situp. Oh, um, weak ass penguin.

Erin, you got it. You nailed it. That is a weak ass penguin.

I almost said pelican and then I went, that's all right.

Slow down.

I just came back from the doctor and he told me I have a weak ass.

Oh, no. What can you do about it?

I have to poop standing up.

No, Adal, no.

My doctor told me I'm a pelican brief.

Oh, of course I need to see a scene. I need to see a scene very quickly. I'm sorry. You're two penguins at the gym. Go.

None. Okay.

Ooh. I'm sorry.

Because golf balls are a very certain size.

A meter.

They're not a meter.

Okay.

But I'd like to meet her, the person who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life.

You've better. You've better.

Yeah, but I still have a million questions.

Yeah, she has the most beautiful dimples.

Like golf balls when you stack them, okay? When you have like golf balls when you stack them, Adal, look alive. Hello, Erin's doing work over here. She's a business bitch. She's a business bitch. Boss lady, business bitch. Boss lady, girl boss, business bitch. She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

Doing the math, writing it down. Golf is expensive, not the point because I can afford it because I'm a boss, lady, girl, boss, business bitch doing the math, writing it down, doing the work.

Boss, lady, business bitch, she's making it work. Look at that skirt, no skirt, pants, she's got on pants, no skirt for her, she's a business bitch.

She's wearing a skirt tomorrow because she can do whatever she wants. She's a business bitch. Send the email. Send it back. Rifai replied to the email and went to trash. It's not trash. She's a business bitch. Girl boss, lady boss, business bitch. She's a bitch.

Straight up bitch. One sneaker, one high heel. One sneaker, one high heel.

We call her a bitch because she's good at her job. We call her a bitch because she's good at her job. That's how we make women feel bad. We call them a bitch because they're good at the job. She's writing it down. Ma, ma, business bitch.

Rap first. JPC, I'm here to say.

Sorry, guys. I had to do my girl boss rap business bitch.

There is one scenario in which you can say and, and, and, and, and consecutively in a sentence and be grammatically correct. What is it? Puzz. Adal.

You're insane.

Well, yes, but let's leave the ad hominem personal attacks until after the podcast. Once we're not recording anymore, we can kind of be as mean as we went to each other. And that's like.

Okay, it's a list.

Erin, yes, but I'm going to need a little more information.

You're making a list of all of, it's a bunch of people in the family that's all named And, and you're saying those are all the people that are in the family.

Okay, now Adal, I'm insane. Well, I guess we're all insane and we're our own puppets. Eric, hold on. I just want to give Eric credit what credit it's due. That is correct. If there were a bunch of people named and I think that that would work. But I will say that all of these ands are lowercase. So let's assume that if they were proper names, they would be uppercase. So we have to roll that one out.

So this is an and rind. Oh, God. And rand.

OK, yeah, it's a list, though. Like comma, comma, comma, after each and.

Not necessarily. No, you actually wouldn't. I don't think you would need commas after every and. Yes.

And, and, and, and. Five ands. And, and, and.

Oh, and, and, and, and, and.

Uh oh.

And, and, and.

We broke Erin. And and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

So JPC, how many ands in a row is this? Five ands in a row. And you said this is the only time it makes grammatical sense to say?

Yes, this would be the only... I'm sorry, it could be one scenario. There could be more actually, now that I'm thinking it. But I need you to present me with a scenario where it would be grammatical sense to have five ands together.

So if a teacher said, what is a, so is it, is Ann like a conjunction or what's, I don't even know the, I fucking hate English. What is Ann's like, and, but.

Hold on, buddy. That's going to hurt you a lot in this game.

That's going to hurt you a lot in this show, probably. Most of these riddles are in English.

Yes, it's a conjunction. Conjunction junction, what's your function? So if the English teacher was saying, what conjunctions, what conjunctions in addition to, let's see here.

I love where you're going with this and I could feel your brain start to think of what this would be and construct it. So I will just go ahead and help you out and say that this is not going to be the right direction for you.

Let me feel on my own.

Okay. Hold on, Erin. Erin is back to counting and's on her fingers.

I'm not counting them. I'm counting them as I do something else. Do you see what I mean? The purpose is not the counting. The purpose is the sentence making sense.

What's the other thing that you're doing? Because that might be helpful.

Okay. The other thing I'm doing is trying to make it sound like a sentence in different inflections in the way I say it. And, and, and, and, and, and.

Got it.

And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

So, yeah, so Erin, the way that you were saying it, I think is super helpful. So the clue that I will give you is this is how I would say it if I was doing the full, you know, using this in the appropriate context. Okay. And, and, and, and, and... I can't imagine that that was helpful. So... No, I get it. What I will say is with these five ands, the one way that it makes contextual sense is if there are two words that are not and on either side.

Well, yeah, I mean that, that would help it be a sentence. Sure.

Add and, and, and, and the.

Ooh. Add and, and, and, and, and, and the. Cause you need five ands.

Oh, Ad, okay. Shut up everybody. Everyone's screaming at the top of their lungs. Adal, I never know. Okay. What's funny? Ad and, and wait, hold on. I have to figure this out guys. Or I will break in half. I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry. My confidence and entire being is like kind of injured on this.

And here I am knowing the Riddle and knowing that this is not the direction that she is. Okay.

Okay. But I'm going to make it work.

Okay. You two that brought this woman in, you need to tell me what was happening right before she collapsed. She said ad and, and, and, and.

And the. And. And then you can pick whatever fucking word at the end you want. You pick a word.

Ad. So, so I was mistaken earlier. So the first and third ands are and in the, in the, um, regular sense in terms of like, they are being used as, as, uh, conjunctions.

Try and, and, and, and, and, and.

No, I'm sorry, Adal. Of the five, the second and the fourth. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The first, the third, and the fifth are all used as conjunctions. The second and the fourth are not being used as conjunctions. They're just being... It's weird to say it this way, but they're just being used as the word and.

Sure, I understand. Um, I understand.

Okay, well let's, this will help. Let's replace the second and fourth and with a different word for now.

But. Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah, that could help you.

How about a noun? How about a noun? Cat. Cat. Okay, I guess we'll use but. No, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat, and Cat,

Well, yeah, but that only works. But remember, the word is and, so you do still have to say and five times and make it make sense.

And, and, and, and, and pie.

Okay. If the title of this episode is an and, and, and, and, and, and pie, then I don't want to be with the show anymore.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think he'd ever come to this. I knew that this was coming. I quit the show.

You're quitting because I went crazy?

No, no, no. I'm quitting because we've reached a riddle that's five words in a row, the same word.

We are not moving on until we get this. I don't want JBC to tell us. So Adal, I'm going to need you to like, I don't know if you have a button you can turn on for your brain.

I'm not going to tell you guys the answer. I seriously will not tell you guys the answer. I will give you another hint though. So there's a situation in which this makes sense. Oh, I get it.

There's a situation, so it's Jim and Tan and Laundrie.

So... Is that it? And misogyny, and alcohol, and Pauly D. So these ands are written, I'm sorry, so not all of them, but ands two and ands four are written out. And someone is commenting on them, the ones that are written out. Oh, okay. That's a pretty big one. That's a pretty big hand.

I basically... Okay, well, JPC, is there a famous document?

No, it's not a famous document. It could happen anywhere, basically.

Is there a place that's more likely to happen?

Yes. Let's say... I could tell you that, yeah, for sure. Let's say that the place that's most likely to happen is like a sandwich shop.

Ooh! Oh, okay.

Sandwich shop.

Add, and, and, and pie.

Oh, peanut butter and jelly.

Uh, no, and Erin, you're still only doing four ands when you're doing that one.

No, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm doing it better. Add.

So stop getting add. Just add does not add.

Okay. Hold on. Uh, bring And, oh no, no, no, shut up. Peanut butter and, and, and, and jelly.

I feel like I need, I feel like, I feel like for the sake, for the sake of our friendship, I need to just let you guys know the answer.

Here's what's going on. I don't, people are going to message me to tell me that they stopped listening to the show because I'm too dumb. I would rather try to avoid those messages and prove to the people at home that I'm only a kind of bit dumb a little bit of the time.

Oh, I think I know the answer. The only time it grammatically makes sense for someone to use the word and five times in a row like this is if you are a small adorable child in the 1920s on Santa's lap and you say,

I want a puppy and, and, and, and, and, and a kitten in my dad's back.

Ho, ho, ho. No way. Have fun being in World War II and shoves off my lap.

75 years later. I got to give it to Adal. I will accept that answer. Thank you. Purely for the sake of us being able to move on. I feel like I will accept that answer. Do you want to hear it?

Is it like going, I want

Can you tell us what it was at a sandwich shop?

Was it like ingredients?

Yes, because that's what they said. Rosie said this is a chip shop, so I can only assume that Rosie is from merry old London town, but we don't know. So Rosie's answer says, a shop owner commenting on a sign being painted, for example, might say, there's not enough space between fish and and and and and chips. So it says fish and chips on the board and they're saying not enough space between fish and and and and chips.

I want to see a scene. You are two buddies trying to study in the library and JPC you keep interrupting Adal's work to ask him stupid questions.

Wait, this is just the podcast. Okay, let's see here. We're of 1812. Hey, what's a stud muffin? What's what? What's a stud muffin? A stud muffin is... Is it like food? No, it's like an attractive person. Oh, it's like a just... You would call someone a stud muffin if they're... No, I wouldn't, but it's like a thing in the 90s. But people would do so. Hey, can we focus up? Okay. Yeah, absolutely. So, okay, so... Is Michelin Stars like restaurants for the tire company? Yeah, it's the same company. They do restaurants and tires? Yeah, well they started doing tires and then they pivoted into restaurant reviews while keeping the tires. Tom Clancy Clancy Brown. Which one is books? Which one is movies? Tom Clancy is the voice of Mr. Crabbe. Okay. And Clancy... Clancy Brown? Clancy Brown is a... What of them is a character actor?

What of them is books? Tom Clancy, Clancy Brown.

Speaking of books, speaking of books, Tommy, let's get, let's hit, let's hit the books. Okay. So let's see here now. Okay. This is, uh, this famous, uh, Polish general. Is Joe Biden's middle name Robinette? Is that a family name? Is that a thing? Is that a family name? Robinette? A more important name is Cashmere Pulaski. Now Cashmere Pulaski helped his battalion. Okay. Capture the, please interrupt me.

I'm sorry? Capture the big old hill. I've been doing a lot. I'm here to learn. Okay. Good, good, good. Do you think your learners permit at 15 or 16? When are you eligible for learner's permit?

Well, I believe it's 15. Do you need a license to own a farm? Well, you needed a license to ill, but ill is short for Illinois, so to own a farm... How do you pronounce that? How do you pronounce that guy from Nickelback? Chad Kroger?

Like the grocery store? He owns all the grocery stores. I didn't know that. Where does the I go in the word medicine? Where does the eye go?

I know there's an eye. Where does it go in the word medicine? Well there's two. There's one between the D and the C and then one between the C and the N. When they make a hot air balloon, do you think they start with the balloon or the basket? Why did you say hot air balloon like that? I just don't know. Do they start with the balloon or the basket? You said a hot air balloon. It should be a hot air balloon. It's like saying a rubber band. It's rubber band.

Do you think palindrome, the word, was actually a place at one point? Do you think it was ever a place called a palindrome?

I'm sensitive to that because I am palidronian and the Israelis did, you know, encroach on my palindronian land. And so that's a sensitive subject. So please drop that.

Okay. I'm so sorry. You know what? Let's get back to studying.

I'm so sorry I brought that up. Oh, up. That was a Pixar movie, right? What year did that come out? So unprofessional, Eman.

We're trying to study. Why did the hacker break into the brewery? So now we're getting to these type of riddles, which, Robert, I applaud you because we're in 142 episodes, so this is exactly what we're getting into now. Why did the hacker break into the brewery?

Yes, because it's the yeast he could do. Oh my God. Okay.

Hacker. I don't think you're going to get this one, so I will entertain a lot more of these Adal.

Okay.

Isn't like Hacker Shore or...?

He tried to rise to the occasion.

Interesting.

Okay. That one's a pun.

Is it like Hacker Shore type of beer or hacker? Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

Do you want to make some extra dough?

Let's see, did Robert say anything about their... Robert might have like a job in technology that would allow Robert to have an understanding of this pun. I think that maybe computer programmers are the like one.

Yeah, I know the answer. He was looking for a USB port. Love stark beers.

These are all good. I'm looking. Computer plus brewery pun is very good to me. IPA ISP. Internet purpose surprise. Oh god, I got it, I got it.

Oh, Erin's got it.

No, I just want to get it.

Oh. Well, I will say, I think that it's probably unlikely that the two of you get this.

Because he didn't want to wine.

Okay, well, a brewery, Erin, is beer.

I know, but that's what I'm saying. That's why he didn't wine.

He didn't want to wine. He didn't want to wine, so that's why the hacker broke into the pot.

She was smart the whole time. Oh my gosh.

All right, so when it's the pun, we need hacker and brewery. We need computer and beer.

She was a secret genius?

What? Wow. What? Grandpa, you're telling me she was a secret genius the whole time?

Yeah, now that was 150 episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle. Now go back to sleep.

You woke me up for this?

He could barely contain himself. Why did the hacker break into the brewery?

So, I'll give you the answer guys, because again, might be a little difficult to do this one. Why did the hacker break into the brewery to get root access? What's this now? Yeah, it doesn't matter.

No, you know what? I think a lot of our listeners will really love that. But we just are not smart enough, except to see Regina's.

Let's get some more riddles. Okay. You guys are going to love it because we are going back to one of our favorite old friends. It is that infamous blue book of riddles.

Oh, JPC, can you do me a huge favor?

Sure.

Go into your kitchen, grab the biggest pot that you have. Okay. Put a bunch of water in it. Sure. Put it on the stove, a little bit of salt. Okay. Yep. Or saffron. Yep. Or saffron. Just a tiny bit of that, though. Sure. If you don't want to use too much. Boil the water. Got it. Once it's bubbling, once it's boiling, I'm going to put that book in there, and then I want you to burn your whole house down.

Okay. Give me one second.

Awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

Obviously, Casey will cut around this part, and I am back. And holy shit, the book's back in my hand.

Speaking of folksy sayings, my grandma always used to say, guests, fish, and that book start to stink after three days. And it's been several years.

Speaking of Art Garfunkel, Rosemary Thyme, Sage, and Parsley.

Imagine being so high that you're just looking at your spice cabinet and then you make up a song and an album based on that. Yeah, imagine.

What are the other two? Hold on, Adal, if you were to be high looking at your spice cabinet, give me a little snippet of what that song might be.

Nice.

Oh, fuck. It's all right here. Nutmeg cinnamon. I got a nut, I got a make. Married cinnamon. Ah, so fucking high.

Salt, salt, pepper, and salt, salt, and pepper, and a salt, salt, pepper, and salt, salt, and pepper. Salt, salt, pepper, and sugar, and pepper, and a salt, pepper, salt, pepper, salt, and pepper.

Coriander. That's so funny. I do love one of those songs where they're like, okay, we love the song, but you do say in the song, I got a nut. And we do think the internet is going to misunderstand that.

We don't understand how they can take that out of context. We don't get what that means. Not make cinnamon. Not make cinnamon. Are you telling me you don't like the piss mug I gave you last year?

I do. I do like the piss. I mean, I have it. I did not throw the piss mug away. So I still have the piss mug.

Did you guys hear that?

I didn't.

I forgot I invited someone over. Do you guys mind if I let in JP Riddles? He's here to tell us all about his new celebration Pismus. Oh, yeah.

No, please. Absolutely. JP, come on inside. Oh, I'm going to have to come inside?

Oh, wait. Hold on. Stay on the porch. Stay on the porch. JP, JP Riddles, will you tell him the microphone? Will you tell all our listeners about your new holiday Pismus?

OK, well, there's what you're wrong because Pismus is not a new holiday. Pismus is actually a kind of retelling of a pagan holiday. Now, the Romans, the Christians, right, they wanted to get rid of all the holidays, but what could they not stop doing? They couldn't stop people from drinking piss because people like it. They like the taste. It's sterile. It's clean. It's good for the body. It's better than getting that Obama Biden shot. You know what I'm saying? Anti-vaxx is the way to go, kids. Anyway, that's just a little something more about JP Riddle's personal politics.

JP Riddles, are you sure you're not thinking of Swissmas, the hot chocolate?

Oh, I won't eat hot chocolate. I like chocolate cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold. That's the only way to eat chocolate. Wait, now, what am I thinking of? Rat carcass. I'm thinking of rat carcass. That's what I'm thinking of. Anyway, Pismas is a holiday where you share your piss with your loved ones and they share their piss with yours. And then we do what we call a white elephant piss exchange where you just piss, you just leave piss for other people and they don't know that they're playing, but when they get it, they can either trade, steal, or piss on somebody else.

Oh, can they drink it?

I guess so. It's a free country. Well, for now. We'll just wait until this communist-ass Joe Biden gets done with it.

J.P. Reynolds, I guess it's not a total surprise to hear about and learn about your politics, but I gotta say it's still disappointing.

Sure, yeah, I understand that. I understand that completely. I'm a big Jim Brewer fan.

We might not be able to invite you back anymore.

I don't think Dave Chappelle's particularly funny, but I love what he's got to say. Oh buddy, we gotta have you head out. We'll see you later. All right. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Well, Erin, did you see that? He picked up a horse, put it on his back, and then ran off.

I think the pandemic has done a lot of damage to a lot of otherwise maybe good people's brains. And I think maybe Jamie Riddles is just like an unfortunate casualty of maybe some like, you know, some online radicalization.

Well, regardless, I can't wait to sit down at a table with him over Thanksgiving and have nice conversations.

He's family. At the end of the day, he's family.

He's family. We're going to do Rap for Daddy. So you both are going to rap a song. I'm going to give you a topic and you'll do a rap on it. There's no sort of set time length or number of bars or anything you have to spit. It's just whenever you feel like you have beat the other person or produced enough rap to win the game. Maybe what I'll do is I'll give you two topics and you can choose just because I know, Erin, before you have gotten a little

Do you want to go first or second?

Whatever you prefer.

I'll go first then and then you can you can take us home. So your game to win.

Excellent.

Great. So JPC, your rap can be about one of these two things. Okay. Either being a vegetarian. Sure. Or first dates.

Hmm, which one do I know more about? Been a vegetarian for like 18 years. Haven't been on a first date. Three years. I'll take a vegetarian please. Great. Whenever you're ready. Yo, they say gravy. It's gotta be meat. But I say take that to the street and toss it in the gutter. No, I did not fucking stutter. If you want a recipe for some vegetarian gravy, follow JPC. And let me spit it like this. First, you gotta make a roux. That's butter and flour, and it's just for you. Heat it up in a pot. Stir it till it gettin' soft. Once it's golden, golden... Erin, come on. That's a fuckin' delay of game. Let me get back into my rhyme. Once it's golden, golden brown, take some stock, concentrate, add it to some water. Eight steps later, you're gonna eat some graters. Then you stir it all up and add it back to the pot. Now lower the heat just a bit. Cool it down. You're about to have yourself some gravy brown. That's the color. It will be thicken it up. Pour it on your pee-ness. That's right. Vegetarians burn themselves with hot gravy on the dicks. And if you want to stop eating meat, you're going to have a hot gravy dick.

Boom.

Yeah, nice one. Thank you. JBC, might I suggest that at some point in the near future, you start a YouTube channel, which is you wrapping recipes and it's called Rapacies?

Yes, absolutely. You can suggest that. And you can follow Rapacies right now. Twitch.tv. I don't know.

That might look weird and exciting. Don't do it. Don't do it. I genuinely thought it was being helpful and I'm so sorry. No, no worries, Erin.

Just real quick, just so we're all on the same page, Erin is about to rap for daddy and JPC at any point during her rap, you can scream too. So just know that and that can be the number two, T-O-O-T-O, whatever you feel. I don't think I'll need it, but I thank you for giving it to me. Erin, are you ready? Yes. You have to rap for daddy and the two subjects you can choose between, dogs or Good dogs.

I'll go with dogs.

Okay. Whenever you're ready.

Nice. Now listen up while I give you a holler. I'm talking about the thing that wear a collar. I like animals. I'm trying not to hog, but I want a hundred dogs. Uh, no, I don't want the things that pair. I want the things that are covered with fur, which are also cats, but I'm not talking about cats. I'm talking about dogs. Um, shut up. Help. Um, two. I did it for you. Um, uh, number two. Okay. Um, don't, I cannot be interrupted. Um, um, uh, shut up. Shut up. Uh, okay. I got this. Um, um, uh, um, I go to the dog park with my buds and I bring professor pup and suds because she's a puppy and I love her too. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I weep when I think about her being put to sleep. Pet your dog every single day like that. One day they'll go away. Your dog is going to die at one point or another. So hug him every day like he's your precious little brother. I'm sorry, I'm not reminding everyone that their dog is going to die, but sometimes I cry just thinking about it.

Oh my God.

May I go? May I be excused from the episode?

This bill might just be your last. Everyone will die eventually.

Okay. May I be excused from this episode, please? I'd like to wash my hands.

And John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing. And I've already parented the music. Logo created by Emily Cardenas.

Hey there, nieces and nephews. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's me, your old pal JP Riddles, and I got a holiday spectacular that's going to knock your socks off. You shouldn't wear socks. Squirrels can get your feet. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew, whatever that is, for $5 a month or the Review Crew, sounds promising, for $8 a month. And starting the first of the year, add free episodes at the $8 tier. I'll see you all at... What is it? Christmas time? I never heard of that.