Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey kids, wake up. Good morning, it's me, the Help on the Shelf.

Wow. Again, we're two adults, just right off the bat, but thank you for the compliment.

Sorry, I'm so small that everyone looks about the same size. I thought you were kids. Anyway, I'm the Help on the Shelf. You can find me at BetterHelp.com and I can help you out with whatever you need. Have you heard about me?

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Okay, you have all the info. I'll let myself out. After I grab a beer. He can't reach the doorknob.

It's also slash live. Live and live are the same. They're spelled the same. That's heyriddleriddle.com slash live. And we'll see you in San Francisco.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of lights. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife in the face. And the horse beat right in.

Test, test, test. Attention, attention. Everyone, attention. We are now going to announce Prom Queen and King. First, we'll read Prom Queen. I'm happy to announce that Erin Keif is Prom Queen.

Oh my gosh, I'm walking to the stage, I'm shrugging through the crowd, going like, oh my gosh, I'm so surprised. Can you believe it's me?

Great job. She's great.

And everything's really happy for me. Um, hi. Uh, thank you so much for voting for me. I am your prom queen.

Oh, sorry, there's no speeches right yet. Um, so let's go ahead and announce the prom king. Of course, we all know the finalists were JPC.

Whoo, yeah, great.

Wanna applause, it sounds like? And also, somebody nominated a chicken tender from last week's lunch.

And your prom king for 2021 is... Oh, it's the chicken tender.

As per tradition, we will now have JPC come up and give a speech about how it feels to lose to a chicken tender.

Hey everybody, it's JPC's dad. I know he wanted to be here tonight, but unfortunately... Thank you, thank you. Look! I went to prison for tax evasion, okay? I have no shame about it.

Tax invasion? Tax invasion?

I know what evasion is.

Yes, tax evasion. I went to Canada and paid taxes. I went to Canada, I paid taxes for 15 years, they caught me, I went to prison, it was more like a white glove, concierge prison, you know, I was like... Don't play me off, don't play me off, don't play me off.

That's where Wolverine's from.

JPC Weapon X from Canada. JPC wanted to be here tonight, of course, and I am posthumously accepting this award in his stead. Oh, wait, what does posthumously mean? I've only picked up that word from context.

Isn't she lovely? Thank you, Principal Adal.

You're welcome. Of course, I am Principal Adal Rifai. I'm JPC's dad.

And I'm prom queen, Erin Keif.

Yay! JPC's dad. JPC's dead. Oh, God. The conspiracy. It's all coming together.

If you play, I don't, uh, should we tell people? If you play episode 114 backwards, you'll get all the clues. All the clues to J.P.C. dying, us replacing him with a Paul McCartney lookalike.

I wonder what episode 114 is.

That's the one called The Clues Were All There, Mr. Policeman. Why didn't you catch me? That episode's called The Snowman. What if I went back and renamed that episode to The Snowman?

Do you think people would freak out?

I would respect it.

Do it for a week. Do it for a week and see if people know it.

And Snowman backward is Joe Nezbo.

All of our episode titles don't really make a ton of sense. I guess sometimes the context depends on some specific thing we're talking about in the episode. But I think it would be funny just once a year to go back and randomly rename 15 of them so that people who are going back and listening to the back catalog would be like, what the fuck? Is this a new episode I've never heard before? They listen to the whole thing and they'd be like, no, it's just a... I've heard this. I've heard this fucking episode. This is nothing.

It's like a Barenstain Bears situation where they're like, I could've sworn the title of this was that.

Well, let's make up some fake titles that we can use on past episodes.

No, don't burn any of those titles because I need them for future episode titles.

I will say when I'm in charge of sort of doing the edit pass for the episode that I do riddles for, I'll not have written down any possible name until the very end. I'll just be like, in the last scene, if there's like something funny, I'll just be like, that's the episode title. That's the episode title.

I always get so relieved when we go, that's going to be the title of the episode. They go, thank you past us. I appreciate all your hard work.

Let's call our shot on this one. Should we call this one, thank you past us?

Yeah, let's call it, Erin went to the zoo.

I didn't go to the zoo. So not thank you past us.

Thank you past us.

You said yeah, and then you gave a different one.

Well I thought we were throwing out a bunch of ideas. Well we're the present us. I didn't realize this was a dictatorship.

We're the present us so we can't be thinking the past us right now. That has to be something that we think later.

Thank you future us.

Thank you future us. The present is a gift and that's why we call it the present.

I'm a present because I'm a gift.

And the past is a blast which is why I can kiss our ass.

Can I just say up top real quick? Down low, you're too slow. I forgot that this is actually something I did want to mention. If you're listening to this, we have a whole Patreon. It's patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. And if you don't like to hear us read ads at the first of the year, January 1st, all of our future main feed episodes will be ad free on the Patreon at the $8 tier. That is the review crew tier. You also get a weekly episode. You get a monthly review crew. You get some live streams and you get ad free episodes. Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. Getting it out of the way.

Mm-hmm.

I have an idea for this episode.

Okay, what's your idea? Wait, is this an idea for the oh, I thought she was gonna take over the whole episode

No, I don't have that kind of power. Damn it. I think the title of this episode, EPISHODE? I think the title of this is EPISHODE.

Yes, it is. It's EPISHODE.

I fumbled the ball. I fumbled and I got to eat.

You were at the finish line and then the ground opened up and you dropped into hell. This is some of the worst football we've ever seen play.

I was gonna say it should be titled the funniest episode ever and we should manifest it now but now it's gonna be EPISHODE because I'm an idiot.

Erin, you do understand why it has to be EPISHODE though, right? We just want to be clear you understand why it has to be called EPISHODE.

I don't understand why anything has to be anything in this hell.

Alright, here's my idea. What we do every year, you know, the first of the year, we go back and we take like maybe three to five episodes from the previous year and we name them some iteration of the sweatshirt. We call them like the sweatshirt, the sweater vest, and so people get really confused when they're trying to find that one specific episode.

Which one was it?

I remember when Magic Davenport was recording with Rachel Bloom, she was talking to me beforehand about improv. She's talking to me about improv and she's like, I love your guys' podcast. I love your guys' podcast. I don't like improv where someone misspeaks and then it's like 10 minutes of everybody being like, you misspoke. And I'm like, oh, totally. And then we started recording and there's a part where it was like, Matt was like, I'm going to play a plank on someone. And he was like, prank. And then Arnie was like, plank, play a plank on someone. And I think I joined in and I was like, oh no.

I thought that story was going to be that Rachel Bloom was the one that was like launched on Matt for saying plank wrong. And it was like.

What a way to learn that Rachel Bloom would hate this podcast. Wow. I'm so sorry. I'm a huge fan. I totally understand that this isn't for you, Rachel Bloom.

Erin, you got a meter.

Yeah, I was really nervous. My hands just started sweating again thinking about meeting her. That was very exciting.

I think she extended her hand to say hello and then you slapped her in the face.

Yeah, I did. Do you remember that part? I wanted to tell her that her YouTube video, I steal pets from the popular people and then dress the pets up like a popular people, was one of my favorite comedy things ever, but I got too nervous.

Sure thing.

Well, she'll never listen to this because of our aggressive improv, and so she'll never hear that you liked that video that she did. EPISHODE.

Whatever.

Epishode.

I can't wait till one of you messes up in this episode and then I will drag you.

Good luck catching me mess up on a word, Erin. I've had these Invisalign in my mouth for almost six months, so it's pretty hard for me to actually lisp and to catch myself on a word.

His enunciation is perfect.

Don't manufacture it. I want a real mistake.

I'll probably say Epishode or something.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure out what mistakes we make. Or I'll fucking laugh wrong or something.

Let's do riddles.

Okay. All right.

Wait, wait, wait. Now Adal, it's still the year that we like riddles.

I mean, yes. So do you want to try that with... Thank you. Erin, can you say that again?

Let's do some riddles, yeah.

Did I say like that before? That's flawless. Okay. Yeah. No questions.

Yeah. Riddle time.

No, that's not questions. Speaking of baby, Erin, a baby falls out of the window of a 20-story building. Hell yeah.

A terrible start.

Yet survives. Aw.

How... The baby was inside of a pregnant woman and she was... Oh, she died. No, no, no. She was doing a stunt for a movie.

Ooh, wow. Do you think that there are pregnant stunt people? No, that seems needlessly risky.

They're a stunt people who don't know they're pregnant yet. And they go, when they take the test and it's yes, they go, oh my god, I jumped out of a window yesterday.

Holy shit, that's definitely going to happen. They put a mat on the bottom of the building to catch the stunt double, and then they put a pad on the side of the building to catch the baby when it pops out after the mom lands on her son.

Every pregnant woman I've ever known, it's my favorite thing they do. They'll tell you in a hushed tone the worst thing they did when they were pregnant but they didn't know they were pregnant.

Is it like eating salsa or something?

Yeah, I have a friend who was like, I went to a tequila tasting. It was two days. I was like, yep, your baby was tequila drunk for two days. I love it. They're fine.

They're fine.

You can pretty much do anything. Ladies are built to last. And my brain always is looking for like were these two actors actually in the scene together or did they just have like a stand-in like if they never do a wide shot there's a chance that there was these two actors were never actually talking to each other and that fascinates me so it's all I can think about when I see that scene and one of the characters was the rock and so I was like I wonder the rock is so big I was like I wonder like who the rock stunt double is and I looked into it and it's a boulder, a huge boulder. I'm Hey Riddle. And I'm like, that's cool, but it's The Rock. The Rock is like a billionaire. If someone bought me a truck, I'd be like, holy shit, this is insane. I don't want a truck, but this is great. What a present. But if Jeff Bezos bought me a truck, I'd be like, come on, man. Buy me a house. What are you doing? A truck? That's nothing to you. Someone probably gave you this truck and you were like, I don't need an eighth truck.

I'm so sorry, but you know what, I'm just going to lean into the fact that I'm going to get Baby Absolutely destroy this episode. While you were talking, I took a sip of my coffee and I missed my mouth.

Well, that's the sweater to do it in, because the sweater already has splotches everywhere.

It's called tie-dye, not splotches. Erin, it's so much coffee.

I use it to just sit edges all over you.

I'm not even kidding, it just, I miss my mouth, and so I just fully poured it down my throat. This is not my day today. I even tried to have a little moment before we started recording being like, this is great. All you have to do is show up, enjoy your sweet friends. And then I said EPISHODE and I spilled coffee down my front.

Erin, so far this episode you're like one of the wet bandits. I wouldn't be surprised if you stepped up after this episode's done and you step on a rake and it hits you in the face.

You're like the main character from Airplane who says he has a drinking problem and it's just he can't drink. All the drink just goes all over him when he tries to drink. That's you in real life. Erin, you are a real-life Amelia Bedelia and we mean that in the best possible way.

Do you guys see these cartoon birds flying around my head? Oh brother. I didn't mean to be so adorkable this episode, but here I am.

Speaking of adorkable, Baby Falls Out of a Window. Baby Falls Out of a Window of a 20 story building, yet survives. How did Baby do that?

Okay, so is this like a... maybe there's only one floor to this building, but it's one of these big sprawling artist co-ops and there's like 20 people furiously clicking away at their stories that they're writing. So we've got 20 stories being written at the Starbucks and the baby just... It's a small town library. Yes. There's 20 books inside. Yes. That's my final answer, Alec.

So what was your final answer again? I don't remember, man. This doesn't matter.

It was a baby bird.

Okay. Oh, that's a good one. It flew away.

Because it could fly.

No, this was a human baby.

And when you say 20 stories, it means that the building was 20... I almost said 20 feet tall. You know stories of fun. Skeletons are 100 feet tall. Skeletons are 100 feet. So this is like 20 floors basically.

Yeah, the building has 20 floors.

Was there like a net at the bottom in a way? Like I think there's a fire in Magnolia where a guy like jumps out a window and gets caught by like a net at the bottom or something.

Or I thought a guy jumps out of a building in Magnolia and gets shot in the head. I think a guy gets shot in the head in Magnolia. There's also frogs? Hey Riddle. Yeah, Amy Mann, you got your Philip Seymour Huffmans, you got your John C. Riley's.

It's one of my favorite movies. I love that movie, but I've been hesitant to have to watch it with Mariah because I just don't think showing someone your favorite movie, I think you're never gonna get the reaction that you want.

Sure.

It's also three and a half hours, like who has time to watch a movie that fucking long?

It's one of your favorite movies because I was going to say Conair is your favorite movie.

Yeah, that's what I would have said for you is Conair.

It's hard to have Magnolia be your favorite movie because it's like three movies. It's too long to be like, let's just watch this all the time. Conair, I could put on, if Conair was on TV, I could walk into it at a random spot and want to finish the whole movie. If Magnolia was on TV, I could be like, who has time for this? I have a whole day planned.

I want to see a scene. JPC and Erin, you are a couple. You've been introducing each other to your favorite movies. JPC, this is your turn to... Erin has showed you her favorite movie. Now it's time for you to show her your favorite movie and you're very nervous.

Popcorn is popped and sitting down. Do you want a blanket?

I'm good, I'm good. I think I'm gonna get too sweaty, too nervous with the blanket. You can have the blanket. Should we do this? Should we pivot? Should we cancel? Should we play a board game?

No, is this a scary movie? No, that's fine. I'm ready. I popped the popcorn. I'm excited. You watched my favorite movie. I'm ready to watch your favorite movie.

It's just now I'm feeling so I'm feeling like anxious because this is such an important decision. It's like a big part of myself. I loved your movie so much and I could tell like I could see that it was like emotionally affecting you and I feel like I just don't want to ruin it. Like I don't want to ruin what we already did with my thing and it's like bad or you hate it or Babe, you are overthinking this.

I just say relax. I'm not going to hate it. There's no way I could possibly hate it. I'm just looking to get to know you better. This is great. Okay, press play.

Before we press play, do you need anything to drink? Because it's just popcorn. You're just going to eat dry popcorn? Do you want to go water?

No, a couple of cruoys right here. Okay, perfect, perfect.

Okay, you got LaCroix.

Nothing left to do?

Uh, popcorn's very salty. Do we want something that's maybe sweet to balance it out?

Oh, I have some peanut M&Ms right here, so... I was gonna say, I can make brownies.

It'll only take 45-ish minutes.

I'm gonna press play. I'm going to love the movie.

Can we, can I just set the world, the context? Because you're gonna jump in, and I just want to make sure that you know what you're getting into.

Great.

Because this is not, your movie was so great, and it's not that, it's like very different from that?

Okay, what is it?

Okay. So, this movie- Don't dismantle the TV. I won't. I won't.

I just need- You got up when you got a screwdriver and you're starting to undo the TV.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I talk with my hands. I tend to just need something to do with my hands while I talk. I'll put the screwdriver down and I'll sit back down on the couch. This movie, it's go- There's not no context, but it will jump you in and it will feel like maybe the movie that you're watching. There's like more to it because there is, but it's not really part of the movie that we're watching.

Okay, I've seen a movie before. I think I'll be able to use some content. This is going to be different, though, is what I'm saying. Great.

I understand that you've seen a movie before. This is going to be so different.

I've been a person for such a long time. I think I'll be okay.

This is such a bad idea. This is such a bad idea. We shouldn't do this.

Okay. You don't think I'm smart enough to like your favorite movie?

It's the opposite of that. I think that my favorite movie is so bad that I think that you're going to judge me for it.

And play.

Hey, I'm a Blues brother.

I'm a Blues brother too.

And it's the year 2000. Sweet home Chicago.

So me and my friends, we recut Blues Brother 2000 with us in it.

Favorite movie is a home movie you made.

We thought we could do a better job.

See, has anyone seen Be Kind Rewind?

Yeah.

Oh god. I've never seen that. Is that a good movie?

I don't remember it being very good.

Okay. I remember hearing the premise and I'm like this is one of the funnier premises and it was like I think it was Michel Gondry who was like very like I did he do Eternal Sunshine but I was very excited for it but then I never I just never watched it.

The premise is they work at a movie store and they like remake the movies basically?

They lose all the movies so they have to re-tape them all from memory and so the whole thing is like them recreating movies.

Okay. That sounds like a good idea.

It sounds like it could work. I don't remember. I think I watched it, but I don't remember it. Maybe I'll watch that tonight as a little treat to myself. As a little treat to my 21 year old self? 22 year old self? Get it right because you're gonna let one self down.

I smell like coffee.

Speaking of smelling like coffee, a baby falls out of a window.

What happened to the baby?

Tell us a hint, or what's the answer? JPC, you basically said the right answer, but then you moved on to something else.

There's like a net at the bottom that catches the baby? No, it's not that. The story thing?

Yeah. Well you said something about the other 19 stories are empty or something. Whatever you said. But up top, you basically said the right answer.

So, a baby falls out the window of a 20-story building.

And he survives.

How? They were on the bottom floor.

That's it? The window was on the ground floor.

I'm

they have to be so underdeveloped because our brains are so big and we can't like you know you couldn't you know pop them out and then you have like animal babies and they're like they're like walking around like three seconds after they're born and I'm like because they have small tiny little animal brains

And then you have Muppet Babies who come out fully formed and immediately making jokes.

It's so fucked up because I wasn't funny, I would say, for it probably took me 19 years to be funny. And those Muppet Babies are funny so fucking immediately.

Isn't that so crazy? I hope I give birth to a Muppet Baby. Please, if I'm ever a mom, I'd want it to be a Muppet Baby. Which one would you want? Scooter. No, I'm just kidding. That's a nightmare. Baby Gonzo, of course.

I'm gonna throw this out there. You better start fucking Muppets. Episode title? Are you fucking Muppets?

Start fucking Muppets.

Start fucking Muppets.

Continue my journey. I'm gonna write a Muppet movie one day.

Erin, will you please write a Muppet movie about how you're trying to fuck every Muppet?

Yes. Sure.

I have like four Muppet movie ideas. I'm not gonna give them out for free. Jim Henson's company, you can call me and I will write it for you. For free.

I don't want to get paid. Erin says that she has four Muppet movie ideas. Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Eventually there will be an episode where Erin does her Muppet movie premises.

I gotta see a scene. I'm sorry. Uh-oh. Gotta see a scene. Erin, you are on a quest in a movie to fuck every Muppet.

You are in a- They're never gonna hire me now. I put it out into the universe and these two guys ruined my chance.

They won't hear this. You're currently at a bar, and you see him up at the bar, and you are headed over to see if he's interested.

You can't help but notice you have a hand up your ass. I was wondering if you'd... What? No, excuse me. Sorry, I can't help but notice you have a hand up your ass, and I was wondering if you wanted another one.

Oh, you're very forward, aren't you?

Can I buy you a bunch of cookies that you can put in your mouth and then not swallow any of it?

Right now I'm having grapes, but I would love if you refilled my bowl. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Fanzo.

Ooh, uh-oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were an on-brand Muppet and not an off-brand Muppet. My mistake. Have a great night.

Well, well, hold on now. Hold on now. I'm Fuzzy Baron Gonzo's kid. I'm the product of two odd-brand Muppets.

Um, but I've never heard of you. I've never seen you in any of the movies. Sorry, I'm more of like a celebrity.

I've been in a bunch of movies. Really? I was in the Jason Seagull one.

Okay, who were you?

Uh, Sarah Marshall?

Okay, wait, so you weren't even in the Jason Seagull Muppet movie. You were... Sarah Marshall?

That's how good I am. I worked. Yeah, it's all fucking politics. They cut me out of that movie, recast my part. We're 90% the way through shooting.

You were at Kristen Bell's part?

Yeah, she was my part. She was Fonda's part. Oh my god. Excuse me, if you're going to be here, you have to order a drink. My name is Permit.

Uh, let me guess, Miss Piggy and Kermit's son? Nope.

Uh oh. Kermit and a pervert.

Okay, I'm out of this bar.

The pervert was me. Oh, she never got to meet little monkey bones.

In a way she did.

I'm ready for a hundred more riddles.

Okay, well let's start with number two of the episode. Wow, the journey to 100 Riddles starts with number two. A family has a chicken coop for their one dozen hens. Is it a BMW? Yeah, it's a nice coop. Is it a three series coop? Okay, cool. How many chicken coop? These chickens are fast. Late one night a terrible storm came through their area and killed all but eight chickens. How many chickens did the family have the next morning?

It doesn't matter because they only ate the butt. Eight butt chickens. Chicken butt.

Sorry, could you read that again?

A family has a chicken coop for their one dozen hens. Late one night, a terrible storm comes through their area and killed all but eight chickens. How many chickens did the family have the next morning?

Four? Oh, they ate, they had eight chickens because they ate them.

Nope. They ate eight chickens. Is there a difference between a hen and a chicken? Is a hen a chicken?

I think a hen is a female chicken, right?

I'd like to see a scene. Okay. You're just two chickens in a chicken coop and a storm's coming.

Hey, can't you talk to Bucky? I talked to Bucky. I said, you owe me 10 bucks. Bucky said buck. Buck buck buck. Wait, Bucky was there? Was Bucky with Bucky? Bucky was with Bucky. Bucky owed me 20 bucks. Bucky owed me 10 bucks. Anyway, we're at Timbuktu. Tim's Bucky, too. Are you driving your Buick? Buick? My Buick? Wait, you were at the Buick concert? Buick? Where was the Buick? And my Buick? With Tim, Bucky, and Becky. Wait, let me, speaking of Buicks, let me put on the alarm for my car. Buick, Buick, Buick! Oh, that's a nice car. Thank you. Ah man, you know what? All this talk of the Timbuktu Bjork concert and the cars, it's made me awful thirsty.

I'm gonna just step outside and get something to drink. You coming with me? Sure, let's go.

Open up the door. Oh shit! I got blown away! I'm in a tornado! Is that a chicken or my car? Is that a chicken or my car?

Either way, she looks good. Same. Erin, I did that for you because I know that's the only... That's my favorite thing you do. The only sound effect you'll appreciate.

I heard the chickens are so dumb and their brains are so tiny that if you... How dumb are they? If you leave them outside in a rainstorm, they'll be so fascinated with the rain, they'll just look up with their mouths open and then drown.

I heard chickens are so dumb. If you get off their fucking head, they don't fucking know they're dead for a year and a half. You've got to be dumb to have your brain not even control your body. Have I ever told you my favorite acting story of all time?

Yes. I have to assume. If you've told me some acting stories and they've been third, fourth favorite, I'm going to be pissed.

I think it was Jack Nicholson. I could be wrong. Someone will probably correct me if I'm wrong.

I love that your favorite acting story of all time starts with, I don't know who this is about,

I believe it was Jack Nicholson, but he was in an acting class when he was like 19 or something and it was partial, it was like impromptu, it was basically improv, but I think what they called improv back then was like impromptu acting. So, the teacher's like, do this, you're all this, walk around like you're whatever, walk around like you're businessmen, walk around like you're, you know, whatever, like you're lonely, and then the acting teacher was like, great, now I want everyone to walk around like you're chickens, and everyone was like walking like chickens and pecking at the floor and flapping their wings, and then the acting teacher was like, great, now there's like a storm or whatever, and they're like kind of like, Freaking out a little bit, and then the acting teacher goes, great, and now there's an atomic bomb dropping from the sky. And the class is looking up in the sky and going, rock, rock, and freaking out and running around. And the whole time Jack Nicholson is just going, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, doing nothing. And then the acting teacher stopped and he's like, Jack, why are we not freaking out? And he goes, I'm a chicken. I don't know what the fuck a bomb is. And I'm like, that's outstanding.

I wonder if that wasn't about Jack Nicholson's story.

Who is a guy doing a Jack Nicholson impression? Okay, fine. I'll come clean. I was the teacher and one of my students fucking burned my ass.

Adal, what's the answer to this riddle? I'm much, much too busy to figure it out.

Wow. Here's what I'll say. So there's one dozen Hey Riddle.

Because it doesn't matter if they're dead or alive.

A live chicken and a dead chicken contains the same amount of atoms and molecules.

Shrodingers, tender. The family still had 12 hens. 4 dead and 8 alive. The first two riddles here have been kind of fucked up.

These are dark.

Hello there, you two. I'm a detective and I'm looking for recruits. Do either of you have a magnifying glass?

I do. And I also have some experience because I've been playing June's Journey.

Ooh, that's what I was going to ask you to help me with. What about this guy with the magnifying glasses just killing bugs? We don't know him. We're not with that guy. Oh, it's you. I am a stapler.

And you're stapling bugs together to make super bugs? Look, what I'm doing to these superbugs is neither here nor there, okay? Once the bugs rule, it won't be a problem for anyone.

Well, it sounds like both of you are perfect recruits, so... Okay. Sounds like you're craving a good mystery or you just need to get away for a while, away from those superbugs. Now, June's Journey is the perfect game for you. You're gonna sit back, you're gonna relax, and you're gonna let your inner Sherlock escape to the glamorous Roaring Twenties. Hop into my time machine!

Okay!

Okay, Superbugs, you watch yourselves.

You're all in charge. Sorry, it's just on my phone here. You'll search for hidden clues to solve mystery after mystery after mystery across thousands of vivid scenes. So much detail, it's so immersive, and with new chapters every week, there's always a new case waiting to be cracked.

I love June's Journey. It scratches my brain in all the right ways. It's so engaging, it's so fun. It makes it hard to put your phone down because you just want to keep going.

Want to get your brain scratched in the right ways? Play June's Journey. Want to get your brain scratched in the wrong way? Cross my superbugs. They will scratch your brains.

Every time there's an advertisement on TV, I pull up June's Journey and suddenly I'm sucked into this beautiful, luscious world with so much detail and it's so exciting and it flexes my brain muscles to where I become a better detective.

If you're ready to awaken your inner detective, download June's Journey free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. What do you call these super bugs?

My in-laws. Is that funny?

They're both funny. They're both buttons. They're both buttons.

Hey Adal. Hey JPC.

Hey mom. I mean Erin. Hey Erin.

I mean mom. You know what makes me happy and excited?

Sean? Kisses?

Well, no. The thing that makes me happy is when we get a new sponsor that I already use and love. I'm talking about Truebill.

Yeah, you mentioned you use Truebill. You said that it helps you identify and stop paying for subscriptions that you don't need, want, or simply forgot about. Like, you subscribe to Since You're From Boston, you subscribe to Only Clams. It's a bunch of photos of, like, little neck clams.

It's awesome, but that's neither here nor there.

Okay.

On average, people save up to $720 a year with Truebill. I know that I have a hard time of keeping track of my finances, and if I sign up for something or a free trial or something like that, it's hard for me to remember to cancel it.

Erin, there's a $100 bill on your forehead.

Is there? Oh, okay. Yes, okay.

Erin, didn't you also say that since you're from Boston, you signed up for that new music streaming service, iBrunes?

I don't know if we need to be telling my whole life story here. I'm just trying to talk about Truebill. Companies intentionally make subscriptions hard to cancel, but Truebill makes it incredibly simple. Just link your accounts and Truebill will cancel your unwanted subscriptions in one tap. They have a concierge there, so you don't have to do it yourself. They just do it for you.

But Erin, what if my ex-girlfriend is still using my Netflix?

That's a problem I can't help you with because I don't understand love.

So don't fall for subscription scams. Start canceling today at TrueBill.com slash Riddle. Go right now. TrueBill.com slash Riddle. It could save you literally thousands a year. TrueBill.com slash Riddle.

For real, it's amazing. You should really use it. I really love it.

Erin, how many Boston-based subscriptions do you pay for?

And then I'd say something that's funny about Boston.

Oh, oh, oh! Hey, adults. It's me, Holiday Man. I am a nonspecific character who celebrates all holidays and I'm so tired I need a place to sleep. Can I sleep in one of your homes?

Hold on, Erin. We just got a nonspecific cease and desist. It's just a, it's just a, it's a fill-in-the-blank cease and desist for hollering at.

Let's open that later.

Sure.

The robots who pull my bicycle are so tired I need to lay down and sleep. Can I sleep somewhere? You're going to exhaust yourself.

You know what? Can I recommend something? Yes! Why don't you sleep on this helix mattress?

Tell me more. Well, actually before you do, Helix Sleep has a quiz that just is going to take like two minutes to complete. It's going to match your body type, which we won't get into what your body type is, and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. Why would you buy a mattress made for someone else when you could get a Helix mattress that's made for you? You can talk about it jacked up top, fat on bottom.

Well, everybody's unique, just like you. Holiday man. Holiday man. And Helix knows that, so they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, firm, naughty, nice, any kind of mattress, great for cooling you down. If you sleep hot, mattress is great for spinal alignment to prevent morning aches and pains, and even Helix plus mattresses for plus size sleepers.

Oh, that sounds great. That'll be helpful when I deliver all my compliments on December 15th.

I have a Helix Twilight Lux. It is the best sleep that I've ever gotten in my life. I'm a side sleeper, but you got to take the quiz for yourself to see what kind of mattress is right for you. But I do not regret a day of my life since I started sleeping on this mattress. And I have led a regrettable life. So if you're looking for a mattress, take the quiz, order the mattress that you matched to, and it comes right to your door, shipped for free. You don't even have to go to the mattress door.

You don't even have to take our word for it, holiday man. Oh? Kelix was awarded number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired magazine. It's also been recommended by leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving sleep.

Wow, the two of you have made my apathy column. What? I make a column of who's apathetic and who's not.

Well, speaking of columns, they have a column, which is a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up if you don't love it, but you will. And they have financing options and flexible payment plans, so it's a great night's sleep is never far away. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, take the two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life, holiday man.

Oh wow, laying in it. I'm not apathetic at all. I love it. Wake me up when December ends.

We got another one. We got another nondescript cease and desist. What do you do with chimneys? Eat. Anyway, Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Leave out your orange juice and fudge.

You're the worst holiday man.

I just want to say before we get into the situation where we are taking a break I have my favorite acting story or it's a story not really an acting story but a story about the acting world that I want to tease I just say that I will say it but I won't say it until after break

Is it Anthony Hopkins and Peter O'Toole?

No, no, no. It's a little more modern than that.

Oh, is it? What's his name? Ed O'Neill and Sofia Vergaga?

No, it's not. Wow. Wow. But no, it's not. And I won't say any more until after break.

I'm going to protest it in silence until break is over.

Okay, fine. We're going to break it. And then when we come back, we'll figure out what the story is.

Did you know that Channing Tatum got his start canning Tatum? He was working at a Tatum canning factory and someone said, wow, that guy's beautiful. Let's get him in Magic Mike. Pretty impressive, huh?

Hey Riddle. No. Oh God.

Adal. Should we all just take right now a moment of silence, remembering a sad part of Step Up?

Yes. Everyone, if you've seen it, just sit and remember.

I think Moose twists the angle.

Moment of silence.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. God, un-fucking-believable. Great. That moment of silence in podcasting is brought to you by Erin Keif.

You're welcome, everybody.

Okay, honestly, that has cleared my head and I feel, I want to say ready for another riddle.

I don't think we should end this episode until we do 10 more riddles.

Jesus Christ, Erin. You've ruined our night.

Okay. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I don't care.

What would people say if a two and a half hour episode of Hey Riddle Riddle showed up at the podcast feed? They must say, well, this has to be the last episode.

Right. Well, maybe. Let's do it.

Let's see what we can make happen. A woman who is in a department store fills her basket to the top and leaves the store without paying. Although she is seen, no one calls security or attempts to stop her. Why?

She is in charge of cleaning the department store. She is the gender.

Erin, you are on your fucking game today? Are you standing on your Monopoly board because you're on top of your fucking game?

No, but I'm sitting in my own coffee table.

You're on top of your caffeine? You're covered in caffeine. The woman works there. She is filling the basket with trash and taking it out to the dumpster.

I don't mean to brag, but I worked at a department store, and that's why I knew that.

Oh, trash girl. Trash girl. You worked at a... Hold on, hold on. I want to say Marshalls.

Nordstrom.

Nordstrom. I want to say Hollister for Men.

So maybe I, that would be fun. That would have been an adventure. I would have no hearing anymore because of how loud they play their music.

Erin, did you ever think when you were working at that department store, what if I fill up a trash can with jeans and then put a little bit of trash on top of it and then take it out to the dumpster, dump it, but I call my cool teen friends and they're waiting out there to collect all of the stolen jeans.

I didn't have to steal any jeans because I watched people steal all the time. One time a guy just in the middle of the day on a Saturday grabbed a handful of jeans and ran.

What is that? Hold on. We can't talk about jeans as if they're M&Ms.

He like hugs a whole pile of jeans and started running.

Okay, that's a chest hole. That is so dope because it's like That's got to be a reseller because no chance are all of those genes that dude size. It's not like he found a perfect stack of like, holy shit, this whole stack is 34 by 34. I gotta do it. When has this ever happened to me before? I gotta do it.

Make your move, Kevin. Occasionally, occasionally, I would see people steal in a clever way and I'd be like, okay, good for you. But most of it, I was like, you're not even trying. But I would rarely to never tell them unless it was like egregious and it was going to get me fired.

I was just going to say my little brother once got fired from a job for stopping a customer who was stealing something because it was against the company policy. You were supposed to just let people steal.

Yeah.

I told my little brother, I was like, you should have just let that person steal.

Who cares? It's not worth the slightest bit of violence to stop someone. Erin, I want to see a scene. I'm going to be you. I work at Nordstrom, and you are going to be the worst customer you've ever had, and you get to reenact that with your past self.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Hi. Um, I bought... First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I bought these shoes at Footlocker, but I want to return them here, and if you don't let me, I'm gonna call you a bitch. It's a Tuesday at noon. Bitch, return these shoes from Footlocker. I clearly didn't get them here, but I know you don't have a return policy. I would like it in cash, please.

Okay, listen, my name is Erin Keif.

You can't talk to me like that.

Oh, how am I talking to you?

Oh my god, I need your manager. A man who's a manager.

Excuse me, I just happened to be passing by. I am a lawyer. Sir, the woman behind the counter here is being very rude to you. You have the legal right to slap her in the face.

And I was about to rolls up sleeves.

Of course. And there's no court in the land that would stop you.

Okay Adal, now JPC pretend to just be a super polite customer and you go up to Adal and you just say, hey I accidentally locked myself out of the dressing room. Say something like that.

And then Adal would be super nice back. Gotcha. Oh I'm sorry, you look distressed. Can I help you?

Yeah, I accidentally locked myself out of the dressing room.

Tee hee.

I just, could you unlock the door for me so I can get back in? All my stuff is in there.

Oh sure, here's the key.

Oh you're so fucking fake. You're being rude to me and you're nice to her. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, cause she didn't approach me like a madman. Sir, can I talk to you? You're a manager? I'm her manager actually. I'm his manager. You're this customer's manager.

Yeah, and I locked my uniform in the dressing room because I was changing. We both work at the tire repair store.

Oh, what's the name of the store?

It's called the tire repair store. We're the first one that ever had that name.

We'd actually like to return these tires as well. Rolls and tires. That really happened. One time Nordstrom took back tires that were from a different place and they hang a tire on the wall.

Listen, sir, if you just want to steal something, I don't care. Do whatever you want to do. Just don't be awful to me.

No, I'm not here to steal. I'm here to ruin your day. You're 21. You're depressed.

How did you know? Wait, how do you know all this? Suddenly there's a burst, a huge explosion in the side of the wall of the Norsom Rack as the dust settles. It wasn't a Norsom Rack, it was a regular Nordstrom. Okay, then Sean is in the wrong place. As the dust settles, we see a shirtless Sean Coyle in full Taekwondo ghee ready to fight. He suddenly realizes he's in a Nordstrom rack, which is 22 miles away.

Suddenly, all of the walls and the ceiling of the Nordstrom gets lifted off. All the walls fall down. A man rushes in. Excuse me, excuse me. Erin Keif, what if I told you that what you just ate was Pizza Hut Pizza?

No. Wait, is your name... Erin Keif? Yeah! Fuck you. Erin, was that cathartic in the slightest?

That was a real thing. A man came in and did that. He started immediately yelling at me and I didn't even do anything yet. Doesn't sound like a man. And then I was nice to a woman. Well, yeah. And then that was the same week that I had a shirt that is like a crisscross shirt and it had one little clasp at the top and I was helping a very handsome man. It was Friday night and I was helping him and then my shirt, as I was talking to him, got caught on a I had a hook in the dressing room, like the door, and it opened up my shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra, so I was full naked. And then I turned, and then I knocked the wind out of myself. I ran right into the little counter that's in the dressing room. I made that flip-flop rat sound. You know that sound? What's the sound? Yeah I did that. And then I started coughing and then I was clutching my chest. And then he didn't buy anything. He left.

Erin you truly are a wet bandit. I can't access this enough.

Like the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to like a normal person will be like, I was like talking to like a really cute guy and like a strong breeze came up and blew my dress up and I like pushed it down. But if the story happens to Erin Keif, it blows the dress completely off. The dress goes into a telephone like wire, bursts into flames. The telephone while crashes down on that guy's car. His car blows up, the tires shoot both of his arms off. And then he's like, and you're like,

Both of Erin's nipples fall off directly on top of a cat's head. Then the cat runs into the forest. People think it's a deer and shoot it.

That was particularly devastating because I thought I had gotten really lucky. I was like, it's Friday. I actually took the time to look really nice today. I looked so cool and my hair was done. I was like, first of all, I never look good when any cute guy comes in here. I was working in the men's section, but no young men ever really came in because it's Nordstrom and they couldn't afford it. But it's this guy and he was probably four years older than me. So handsome. Needed a suit for a rehearsal dinner. And I was going great. We were kind of flirting. And then that happened. And then he left without buying anything. At all.

I want that story framed on my wall. That was a decade ago.

It's hard for me to be sorry that that happened to you, Erin, because I'm so grateful that that story exists.

You know what I'm saying? I think that's such a formative moment. It feels like that is, Erin, that's like when Peter Parker got bit by a spider.

That's for you. Peter Parker got bit

And there was like a very pretty girl in my math class and I had never talked to her in math class and I had had a dream about her. And then I was walking into math class one day and I saw her and in my mind we had communicated in this dream and had like a full conversation. So I went up to her and I said something to reference the conversation but like halfway through me talking to her I realized That's a dream. That was a dream that never happened. You've never talked to her in your life. And I was like, hey, everybody got your... And my words just turned to gibberish and she looked at me and I was like, see you in class? And I just walked away and I was like, what the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? What, what the fuck was that?

I just watched the man melt.

I truly melted mid-sentence as my brain was like, real quick, you swab motherfucker. You never talked to this person in your entire life. Good luck.

That is... I did self-soothe myself because the next day I had work and I went in and I stood at the angle that he would have been at and I went, you know what? I think he would have only been able to see one of my boobs. I got home from work and then I emailed my manager and I was like, hey, I don't know if I'm getting fired tomorrow, but my boobs were briefly out in the dressing room and she was like, please just don't do this to me.

Just stop email. Lose this email. This email is not for this. Whatever you are doing right now is not what this is for.

Those were like the two worst things that happened to me in my job. That and me and my buddy accidentally telling a woman that her husband was cheating on her. Those were the only three bad parts of working in the store.

That's for the best though, ultimately.

Yeah, but nothing too embarrassing.

Erin, what would you, if I told you right now, so say like suddenly behind JPC and I like giant wings appeared and I said, Erin, you're actually in heaven and that moment you just described was the moment you died. Would that surprise you?

Man, it would be pretty tricky and sad to come to terms with the fact that I would be in a very cute outfit, but laying down on the ground of that stupid dressing room.

Or you suddenly come to and give a big gasp, and everything that's happened in the last nine years has been you just unconscious for two minutes?

Well then I'd... That would be okay.

Yeah, I would take the last 10 years away easily. Yeah, next time.

I'd go, maybe COVID wasn't real. Maybe Trump was never president. Thank God. They're still done.

Are you saying that I can be 22 again? Is that what you're saying? Because, yeah, sure. Why not? Why not take another crack at 22?

Oh man. If I could go back in time, I would just put a recording device in that room, just a sound recording, so I could play for you right now the noise that I made when I knocked the wind out of myself when I turned super quick.

I would love it because it's also in Nordstrom, so it's not only that noise, but it's like five for fighting playing in the background too, like a very low music.

I'm sure it was like, you're insecure, don't know what for. Because that's what I was playing every time. Everyone else in the room can see.

Okay, I gotta hear another fucking riddle.

I gotta hear another fucking riddle. Well, legally, we have to do nine more before we're done. Yes, that's true. Nine more? A woman enters a large metal tube. She is overcome with fear and clenches her boyfriend's hand tightly. She is visibly shaken.

Her boyfriend... Her boyfriend... Boysland!

Boysland! Boysland! Boysland! Boysland!

Boysland! Boysland!

EPISHODE, BOYFLIND. Turtle power. This is the Boyflynn episode, and you are listening to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Boyflynn episode.

Damn, dude, Adal, 50 minutes. You almost made it, Mitch. You almost made it through an episode of You Said Boyflynn.

You're so much more embarrassing than me.

Have you made my Boyflynn episode? So far, JPC undefeated this episode. Will I go down? Will my hubris be my downfall?

Although I will say, JPC, this episode is the first time I've ever noticed, when you're talking about having Mariah watch Magnolia, I've never heard you say movie before, and you say, movie.

I say movie.

Just say movie. Okay, there it sounded normal.

Well the fucked up thing about having these like Invisalign in is that it really does change like the way I'm sure people have noticed but it changes the way like your speech is and when you're done with it they're like yeah it can totally affect your speech because your speech could be all changed. I'm excited to get them out though I'm excited to get them out. They're taking your mouth out? They're taking my mouth out for a dinner on the town.

Can I have it?

Can I have it? Can I keep it? Are you throwing that out? Can I have it? Is that trash? A woman enters a large metal tube. She is overcome with fear and clenches her boyfriend's hand tightly. She is visibly shaken. Her boyfriend gently rubs her arms and speaks softly to her, but is unaffected himself. A few hours later, the woman's boyfriend tells her that it's time to go and her torment ends. What was happening to this woman?

Oh, is she in a meal ready to eat? Excuse me?

Is she in one of those like scanner tube, what are they called? An MRE? An MRI?

No, I think it's a meal ready to eat.

Is it like a medical thing like that?

Like a CAT scan? Is she in the mountains at, is she in the CAT scales?

Is she in the CAT scales?

She's in Metal Tube, North Carolina. Okay. Okay. Hey, you here in Metal Tube, North Carolina? You want some dinner? She is not in any sort of medical device.

Is it like an amusement park ride? Is it a tunnel? That's good.

A slide is good. Good guess. But as mentioned, a few hours later, her torment ends. So it was an amusement park ride.

You never got stuck in a slide for a couple hours?

She's in a metal tube for a couple hours. Okay. Is this a metal tube that a person is supposed to be in? Yeah. Okay. So it's not like she's not like in a chimney or something?

No.

Is she standing in a trash can like Oscar the Crouch?

Uh, no.

Is she a circus performer in a cannon and she's nervous because this is her first time being shot out of a cannon?

She's part of Cirque du Soleil. Uh-huh.

Can you just tell us what it is?

Ooh, Circus Bubl, is that anything? A woman enters a large metal tube. She is overcome with fear and clenches her boyfriend's hand. She is visibly shaken. Her boyfriend comforts her, etc., etc. A few hours later, the woman's boyfriend tells her that it's time to go and her torment ends. Is the boyfriend in the tube as well? Yes. He was able to comfort her throughout the entirety of the time in the tube.

So he's not scared of being in the tube. She's terrified of being in the tube.

Huh. And these aren't like ants in a pneumatic tube. And like two hours to them is like five minutes to us.

At one point was the television called the tube? Boob tube. Okay. So is it the television?

Well that's called it the boob tube because they would watch porn on it. But mom's just called it the tube. Erin you were very warm with train.

Oh it's a train. It's a plane.

It's a plane.

And she doesn't like flying.

The woman is terrified of flying but must travel to see a relative. This adds to her stress. Her boyfriend does his best to comfort her during the few hours of the flight.

Hey Riddle. Oh no. Oh no. And I was like, too loud. Too loud to say oh no. It's like, it's not to you. You're not saying it to yourself. You're announcing it to the plane. And there's no problems.

So it's just like, it was such a weird, like, experience. Are you sure the guy behind you wasn't just, like, watching the Sopranos on his iPad or something?

Oh yeah, and like, there's so many times I'm like, Tony, don't!

You killed him. You killed him again, Tony. I'm on the It was just like some sort of guttural reaction. You've never heard that? Intense to hear. I had never heard it. It was very concerning. I guess you've never broken up with me before.

Scary.

So wait, when someone breaks up with you, they cry laugh? Look man, I don't know. It just happens. I'm just there. I'm a passive participant in my life. So much relief. Let's do one more riddle.

Okay. Two more riddles.

After a night of partying with her friends, a sorority girl arrives home and finds she cannot enter her house. She's sure that she's at the right home, but she cannot get inside. What happens that makes entering her home impossible?

Is there a mummy's curse on her home? Hey Girlfriend. We're getting ready for the party and we just wanted to see what you were wearing.

Yes, girlfriend. Um, but this is, um, this is like a scarf.

Toilet paper again, huh?

Oh, it's a scarf. A scarf goes on the way around.

Oh, um, Melanie, I think maybe she's like, poor, and so we shouldn't comment about- No, it's American Eagle.

It's American Eagle.

Oh, you can hear me. Yeah. Okay, you're sure it's American Eagle, because it does smell really bad.

Yeah, and the American Eagle is not, like, fancy. We wear, like, dior and chignon. Prada. Prada.

Tom Ford. Father, son, house of gucci.

Elisa. Yeah. Can I have some money to upgrade?

Girl, of course. We would be happy to help you. Yeah, you can borrow anything from my closet. You're a sister. Like, please. First of all, let's take the toilet paper off.

Yeah. Okay, you ready? I'm not comfortable. You guys are gonna hate me. I'm so hungry. And I want to let you know I'm not poor. I was born with all my wealth. I'm not poor.

I was buried with all my wealth. Hey, I think I know what's happening.

I was buried with my brain in a jar, and I was buried with my heart in a jar.

Girl, I've had my heart in a jar too.

Listen, hey, we've had vampires, zombies, werewolves, other such monsters in the story. We've had them all.

I'm sorry? You're a mother? You're a mommy? If you have a kid, you cannot be in the sorority. That's the one thing, we have a line. Are you fucking kidding me? We are bad people. You're trash.

Not all sororities are bad, but this one is.

This one specifically is. We've been pretty good up until now, but now that we know that you have a kid, you get the fuck out of here. Can I just say, I curse both of you.

Well, I cursed you back because that was actually the vampire one, so meh.

Ah, fuuuuck.

See? What's the answer to that, Riddle? No. Yes!

There is no answer. Yes. I feel like sorority mummy is like something we're going to see in three months on Adult Swim or something. Why not?

Probably.

That's fine.

Buy it from us, Adult Swim. We'll sell it. Whatever.

Pass it to the participant in my life. After that, if partying with friends, a sorority girl arrives home and finds that she cannot enter her house. Did she lose her keys?

Everyone went home for Christmas.

She didn't lose them per se. She ate them. She ate her keys. She shelved them. What? What's that mean?

Up her butt.

She mixed them up with someone else's keys.

Close. She went to a key party, fucked everyone she could, grabbed the wrong set of keys, good for her, grabbed the wrong set of keys, came home, bingo bingo hot to top.

Excuse me, I pulled your key at this Muppet key party?

I'm really just waiting to pull Sam the Eagle. Sorry. I'm going to keep pulling until I get him.

We all are.

We all pretty much got it. Her friends took her keys away from her the night before because she had too much to drink. They ordered her an Uber to get home and kept her keys, which meant she didn't have her house keys.

But she lives in a sorority. Can't she just knock? Don't like 11 people live in that house?

You can't knock if you're drunk. That's true. Can't knock if you're drunk. I've been there. I don't know how to do that.

Two drunks to knock, two drunks to drive. Click on your ticket. Are we done? We're doing one more.

One more, please.

Erin wants one more. Okay, let's see here. One of Michael's dearest loved ones binds him to a chair, but Michael doesn't mind. Why?

It's like a S&M thing. He's consenting adults and he's going to get a little, he's going to get dominated. You said it wrong, it's H&M. I'm sorry, I have a return to make.

When I was 14, I needed a gift card to S&M.

It's all I want for Christmas. Everyone at school has it.

Oh, I got one of these zip masks, but it broke after the third use.

Yeah. She got a 14-year-old, a ball gag, and a French tickler.

Why would you be tied to a chair?

One of Michael's dearest loved ones binds him to a chair, but Michael doesn't mind. Oh, is it like a... Oh, it's a... Oh, Michael's a baby. It's like a high chair. He's a high chair. He's eating the cereal. That was amazing, Team Mark. You both got it together. Michael's a kid. The chair's a car seat. One of Michael's parents puts his seatbelt on for him.

Okay, Car Seat makes more sense. I don't think you have to bind them into their chair to eat the cereal, but yeah, you're right.

Sean's mom had to, because they wouldn't stop getting up from the table, because Sean and his brother were so overly active that she would tie a scarf around their chest to the chair so they would have to sit and eat their food.

That makes sense. My mom or my parents would exclusively buy us Velcro shoes when we were young so that when they heard the Velcro coming off the shoe she could roll up the windows before the shoe went out the windows because it barely we would just take our shoes off and toss it out the window.

That's a good bit.

Great bit, great bit. Well speaking of bits, Erin do you have anything you want to plug?

Yeah I would like to plug If you are that man from the dressing room and this somehow finds you, please message me and tell me that it wasn't as bad as I remember it. Go like, oh, I barely saw anything. It was no problem. I actually got a call and that's why I left so suddenly. Or follow me, Erin Keif10, at Instagram, and that's it. JPC, anything to plug?

Hey, I'll say it. We're going to Sketchfest again this year, and by again this year, I mean, we didn't go last year, and I've never been, because my flight got cancelled the one time that I tried to come after Sketchfest.

And then Rob Cordry had to be you.

And then Rob Corddry had to be me, but God damn it, I'm going to make it this year, weather permitting. And that is Sunday, January 9th, 2022. So when I say this year, I'd be next year. It's January 9th at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time at the Gateway Theater in San Francisco. You can find tickets at heyriddleriddle.com slash live.

I don't know if we can, if we should say this to you. I'm going to go ahead and say it and we can always edit this out. We do have our guests confirmed and it is the Golden Gate Bridge. Wow. Oh, how hard to get.

And expensive. Just expensive to drive on that bridge insane. But so many stories.

Adal, anything to plug?

I want to plug, go to your local Nordstroms and just be as pleasant as pie to whoever's working there.

Just be so nice. Be nice to anyone who works in retail or the service industry.

Especially around Christmas time as they're all stressed out. My sister's working at Trader Joe's right now. And it's, I mean when we're recording this it's like Thanksgiving week and the last two days she's come home looking like she got run over by a car.

Yeah.

Like absolutely a hang dog, like shuffling her feet can barely move. So she's stressed out. So just be kind to everyone working in this holiday season.

I remember the Christmas season because we had to wrap so many gifts at Nordstrom. My hands were just covered in paper cuts from trying to wrap so quickly. So just be nice to people.

And if you absolutely, because it happens, if you absolutely need to speak to a manager, do not, under any circumstances, say, I'd like to speak to you, manager. Say this instead. Excuse me, I'd love to ruin your boss's day. Is it possible that I ruin your boss's day? The person that we both don't like, I'd love to fuck their day as hard as possible.

The person who makes three times what you do, what will ruin their day? You have a great day.

I'd love to be the shittiest version of myself to them. Is that possible? How do we make that happen?

And I will say if you're looking for a last-minute gift, because Christmas is upon us, there are a lot of cool things to buy. One thing that's very popular right now is marbles. You know, a lot of marbles when you hold them up to the... I don't know.

Jupiter! Thank you!

Wow!

Isn't she lovely?

Life or blubber? Damn it!

Starting guaranteed. And John Patrick Coan. Casey told you to be editing. Have a repair at the

Hey there skits and bits. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. The crew gets together for a good old fashioned chatterbox. You send us suggestions, we chatterbox about them. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. And coming January 1st, the Review crew gets access to the ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.