Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Water. Please, someone help. I'm stranded in this desert and I need water.

You, do you have water? Wait, I'm literally stranded in this desert with you.

Oh, what's your name? I'm JPC. I'm co-host of the show. Sorry, I must be thirst crazed. Do you have any water? And honestly, now that I'm saying it, I would prefer if you have like a root beer, like a Capri Sun.

Adal, I gave you a root beer maybe 20 minutes ago. What? We're waiting, we're waiting for our plane. If you want to go get a water, I guess maybe like just go to like the Starbucks and see if they will give you a couple. You're gonna have to buy like it's gonna be like four or five dollars. I'm sure that I could give you a cup of water.

I'll just keep looking. Water. Water you.

Compliments. Compliments. I need some compliments.

Do you have water? I'll trade you compliments for water.

How about you go first?

Okay. Your... Pants are pants.

Do you guys want to switch seats? Because I don't need to sit in the middle. I'm trying to read so I can move.

I don't have the strength to switch seats. I need water.

And I need compliments. We are so thirsty for water and compliments.

Oh wait, you're thirsty? I just thought you were old.

Shut up.

Well, I should also say I'm Adal Rifai.

It's been established, I'm JPC.

And I'm very brave, and I just had to compliment myself.

And we are Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast about the search for quenching your thirst for riddles.

A podcast in three acts. What? Act one. We do a little opening bit. Okay. Act two. We kill time until commercials. Act 3.

We just get to plugs.

Wow. I like it. That's the whole show. Yeah, that's our whole setup. I appreciate it. How's everybody doing? What's going on with everyone? And if you don't have something, just make something up.

GPC. I was gonna ask you, does it feel sometimes like you're a very tired dad on a road trip and me and Adal are the kids in the backseat?

Well, you asked this question about you and Adal being the kids in the backseat, and yet I realized that I have to look at the whole time that we record, because as far as I know, there's no way to collapse this chat. A fake link that I dropped to pornhub.com slash Merry Christmas, everyone. And now I just have to look at that the entire time. We don't know how to delete it. We can't get that out of there. So are you to the kids? I don't know. Who would do something like that? Would the dad do something like that?

So I asked them to send me a link to a Christmas song, and JPC's a smartass, and sent a Pornhub.com slash wiki slash Merry Christmas Everyone link, which just really sends you to Pornhub. We're doing great over here.

It's just sending you to Pornhub. That's all it's doing.

Lord send me to Pornhub. Speaking of Christmas porn, what is everyone doing to prep? Are we prepping for Christmas or are we still bracing for Thanksgiving? I got 400 gallons of water in my basement. I got a shotgun. Wait, this whole time I was asking for water? You had 400 gallons? In my basement!

Adal, I'm so glad you asked. Guests who decorated for Christmas yesterday. On November 11th, I know this is not when the episode comes out, but on November 11th, I decorated for Christmas and it's 90 degrees here in LA and my house looks like Christmas on the inside. Why? Because I wanted to feel something. Thank you for asking. I wanted to feel anything at all.

It looks great. It's interesting that you said you put up all those decorations on November 11th when November 10th was your 30th birthday.

Yes.

So are you compensating for age?

Yeah, I guess I maybe this is some sort of slow motion nervous breakdown. Sure. Is that what your question was? Merry Christmas.

I see you wearing your hair in pigtails. You also have a Dora the Explorer sweatshirt on.

So yes, to answer your question, I'm doing great. What was the question?

Trying to stay young?

It is funny how Erin is fully decorated for Christmas out in LA when Adal and I in Chicago have already had snow. Oh yeah, this morning. Yeah, I have not started Christmas decorating at all.

Do you both have fake trees? Do you get a real tree every year? What's your deal?

I've always had fake trees last year was the first year I ever did a real tree because Gemma insisted and it was it was pretty fun so we're gonna get a real tree again this year.

Cool. I've always had fake trees in a fake tunnel painted onto a side of a wall, and then I'll drive my car through it thinking, oh, this is a shortcut. I'll have someone hold up a sign like shortcut this way, and then I'll drive my car right into it. It'll be a fucking wall. Total my car. And I'm only going 25, 30 miles an hour and I got airbags, but still, it's like I'm a little dinged up.

Now that you're a homeowner, you can't do that anymore though.

I hope that whoever's been doing it has stopped doing it.

JBC, it's been bothering me for four years now, who you remind me of, and you just nailed it. You're Wylie Coyote.

Oh, right. I see that.

Your energy, your look, your purpose.

Wait, we've known each other way longer than four years. So what happened four years ago? You tell us. Who are you? Who do you remind you of? I started liking you.

Yeah, we hung out before that, but then I started to be like, oh, I like this person.

So... To answer your question, we have not decorated for Christmas. We haven't even talked about if we will get a tree or what kind of tree we will get. None of that has been discussed. Because it's way too early for that in my opinion.

Yes, and you're right. And honestly, I would like to be the kind of person who waits until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas. But here's the thing, that is one of the only things I've collected in my life is Christmas decor. And if I travel so much around the holidays, I see my family on Thanksgiving, I'm going to be traveling over Christmas. So I go, if I decorate right after Thanksgiving, I really am only going to get to enjoy it for like two weeks. Yeah. And my Christmas decorations are amazing. I'll send you guys a photo. You're going to be like, too much. Why? What are you doing?

And you're like, whoops, that was a selfie.

Exactly.

I had an aunt, like a great aunt maybe, who every Christmas, thank you, when I was a kid would give me a Christmas ornament, like as a gift for Christmas. And she would always be like, when you have like your own family, you'll have all these Christmas ornaments that you can like put on your tree. You'll have like a tree full of Christmas ornaments. And me as a child was like, This is going in the trash. What am I going to save this for 40 years? What the fuck are you talking about? This is going in the trash, and if I ever need a Christmas ornament, I'll buy it. I'll buy it when I need it. I'm not going to hold on to this shit for three decades.

You are literally the Grinch.

That's insane.

You're a nightmare.

I don't need this family heirloom. I'll buy one. It's like, no, no, you don't understand.

Oh my god.

This hairpin was on the Titanic.

I don't fucking care. I'll buy one. She was giving me some like homemade knitted shit that I'm like, this looks fucking ugly, first of all.

Oh my god.

You're not a professional. You're mad at this.

That's my worst fear. If I'm someone's great aunt, I go, I've lived this song. I would love to pass on a little something to you. And then that young boy is throwing it in the trash and saying if he wants an ornament.

He makes a tiktok of him swallowing it. Here's a hello diet.

I don't give a shit about giving a gift. I often tell people just don't give me a gift because I don't want it.

Are you telling me you don't like the piss mug I gave you last year?

I do. I do like the piss. I mean I have it. I did not throw the piss mug away. So I still have the piss mug. Did you guys hear that? I didn't know.

I forgot I invited someone over. Do you guys mind if I let in JP Riddles? He's here to tell us all about his new celebration Pismus. Oh, yeah. No, please. Absolutely. JP, come on inside. Oh, I'm allowed to come inside? Oh, wait. Hold on. Stay on the porch. Stay on the porch. JP, JP Riddles, will you tell them the microphone? Will you tell all our listeners about your new holiday Pismus?

Okay, well, there's what he's wrong, because Pismus is not a new holiday. Pismus is actually a kind of retelling of a pagan holiday. Now, the Romans, the Christians, right, they wanted to get rid of all the holidays, but what could they not stop doing? They couldn't stop people from drinking piss, because people like it! They like the taste, it's sterile, it's clean, it's good for the body, it's better than getting that Obama Biden shot, you know what I'm saying? Anti-vaxx is the way to go, kids. Anyway, that's just a little something more about J.P. Riddle's personal politics.

J.P. Riddle's, are you sure you're not thinking of Swissmas, the hot chocolate?

Oh, I won't eat hot chocolate. I like chocolate cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold. That's the only way to eat chocolate. Wait, now, what am I thinking of? Rat carcass. I'm thinking of rat carcass. That's what I'm thinking of. Pismus is a holiday where you share your piss with your loved ones and they share their piss with yours. And then we do what we call a white elephant piss exchange where you just piss, you just leave piss for other people and they don't know that they're playing but when they get it they can either trade, steal, or piss on somebody else.

Oh, can they drink it?

I guess so! It's a free country! Well, for now... We'll just wait until this communist-ass Joe Biden gets done with it.

J.P. Reynolds, I guess it's not a total surprise to hear about and learn about your politics, but I gotta say it's still disappointing.

Sure, yeah, I understand that. I understand that completely. Well, I'm a big Jim Brewer fan. Oh, no.

Goat Boy? What else?

You think Goat Boy is comedy? Goat Boy? What about top 10 SNL characters?

Oh, no.

You think a guy who sounds like me doesn't enjoy Goat Boy?

Oh, no. JP Riddle. We might not be able to invite you back anymore.

I don't think Dave Chappelle's particularly funny, but I love what he's got to say.

Oh buddy, we gotta have you head out. We'll see you later. All right, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Well, Erin, did you see that? He picked up a horse, put it on his back, and then ran off.

I think the pandemic has done a lot of damage to a lot of otherwise maybe good people's brains. And I think maybe Jamie Riddles is just like an unfortunate casualty of maybe some like, you know, some online radicalization.

Well, regardless, I can't wait to sit down at a table with him over Thanksgiving and have nice conversations.

He's family. At the end of the day, he's family.

He's family. He's family. When you're here, you're family. Well, we need to get to some riddles.

What?

Yeah.

Huh?

I know. I forgot myself. Are we ready to do a warm-up riddle? Yes. I'm ready. Yeah, I'm always ready for this kind of stuff. You are driving a school bus. The bus is empty when you begin the route. At the first stop, four people get on. At the second stop, eight people get on and two get off. At the third step, J.P.

is dead. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay.

You're never going to get it. At the third stop, three people get off and four get on. Okay. What color are the bus driver's eyes?

Now this is hard because I don't know what color my eyes are. I thought I did. I thought I did. I told Mariah, Mariah got brown eyes. And she goes, I don't think so. But I'm like, well, who's known me longer? Who's known me longer? You or me?

Ah, to be a fly in the wall of the hills you die on in your house.

I would love to watch it. Eyes don't change color.

Yes, they do.

Over time?

Yeah, especially if you look at too many screens. But that's not based in science, that's just a theory I have.

Okay, I want to see a scene. Wait, are we talking about theories we have?

Let's get the hose and we hose them down. Get off our porch, JP Riddle.

Being a watter just makes me stronger. Get them hoes. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are an optometrist. Erin, you are a new client to this eye doctor and you have your own theories on what eyes can and can't do.

So is there any particular reason why you are coming in today? Just kind of like an annual checkup?

Yes. I think I can see the future with my eyes and I thought you might want to study me for science.

Okay. Well, everyone can see the future with their eyes because it's happening. It's just we're perceiving the natural world and that becomes our present.

Hey, well, Riddle me this. I think I'm the only one who can see in 3D. That's pretty cool. I can see in 3D. Okay. Like 3D movies. That is how life looks to me. Studying my brain in my eyes.

Life looks like 3D movies to you. We all do see in 3D. You can see three dimensions because that's what life is.

That's weird. Let me blow your mind then. I'm going to tell you a little something about the color red. I'm the only one who can see it.

Okay, so you also might be colorblind.

I mean, I might be colorblind?

You could be colorblind. If you think that you're the only one who can see red, you might be red-brained colorblind.

Okay, well, have you heard about yellow? Probably not.

No, I've heard about yellow, yeah.

Watch this. I can make the room go dark. Watch this. Now it's light again. Now I can see everything.

I can make the room go dark. So that light switch is turning the lights on and off in the hallway. Oh, okay. But then watch this.

If I close them, I can make now no one can see.

Close my eyes now.

You can't see motherfucker. Study my eyes.

How to explain this to you? How to explain this to you? Look, I'm an eye doctor and I'm gonna go... I'm gonna go kind of abreast of my field of expertise. You're one of the most attractive people that I've ever seen in my entire life, so... You can see me? I can't, yeah. My guess is that most people of your life, they will just agree with whatever that you have to say. And that's... Yeah, exactly. Whoever told you saying that was cool was probably just... Exactly, was probably just being nice. But I am an asexual, so your powers have no effect on me. And I just wanted to let you know that this... What you are, what you choose to be, is wrong. And most likely what has happened is you are colorblind.

Are you sure? Because if I close this eye, you move a little to this side. And then if I open that eye and then close the other one, I can shift where you are. I can make you move. I am a god. I have very special eyes. Is there something wrong with me? There's little hairs coming out on the top lid, and then there's little hairs coming out the bottom lid.

That's fucking crazy. Everybody has that. Well, I don't have that. I just got it tattooed because I was sick of trimming.

Your eyelashes?

Mm-hmm. See?

I don't think that guy was a real doctor.

I don't think that guy was a real client. Tattooed eyelashes. Erin, I enjoy Have You Heard of Yellow, which is one of the Pissmas songs that J.P. Riddle sings on his Pissmas album.

It's mostly jingle bells. There's not a lot of lyrics. There's just 10 minutes of jingle bells.

J.P.C., you basically got the answer right. The color of the bus driver's eyes are the color of your eyes. So I will say brown. Okay. Erin, do you know your eye color?

Stormy, sad, gray. Aw.

You don't really have gray eyes, do you? My eyes are hazel.

I'm gonna quickly move away from my microphone and then put my eyes right up against my camera and they can be the judge.

Okay. Okay, we mostly see upper nose. I gotta say, it's mostly white. Yeah, it's mostly white and then black in the middle.

Uh, yeah, I guess I can see like a little gray, gray, gray, blue in there, maybe?

Yeah. Here I am, once again. I'm torn into pieces. I think I've personalized me. Sorry, Erin.

I got lost in the desert that it was your eyes.

Yeah. Adal, what color are your eyes?

He's a hazel.

Hazel?

Look, I don't know what color my eyes are, but I once had a pharmacist tell me I have the saddest eyes he's ever seen.

Is that when you're picking up your depression medication?

It's nice to be the best at something, huh?

Here's your Prozac.

You have the saddest eyes I've ever seen. I'm just buying gum. They said I could come back here and pay because they're so busy up front.

I know I've mentioned this on the show before but I would go to the school nurse just to like pick up band-aids for my class or to grab something for her and she'd go, oh my god, lay down. Oh my god, you look so ill.

I kiss my face. Your pallor, your pallor is so, it's like a Victorian child.

You called me a Victorian doll this week and I said thank you.

I know, I can't stop myself.

It's a compliment to me, thank you very much.

I can't stop myself from reading another riddle. Rachel and Monica have moved into a shared house with several other occupants. Wait a second.

Wait a second. Hold on.

They got a house in New York City? In the Hamptons. Wow! And that salary? Monica doesn't like their new accommodation though because of the angry and aggressive cat that greeted them when they first walked in. Smelly cat. Rachel realizes that there isn't really a problem. Why? Rachel and Monica have moved into a shared house with several other occupants. Monica doesn't like their new accommodation though because of the angry and aggressive cat that greeted them when they first walked in. Rachel realizes there isn't really a problem. Why?

So, let me ask you a question. Yes. Is this cat when they first walked in? Does that mean before they walked into their house or on the outside of their house? Is this like a doorman? Like a cat butler?

I'd like to see a scene. I'm sorry, I don't want to, but I have to. Adal, you are a cat, like doorman, or butler that works in a very fancy rich person building, and everyone just loves you. You're great at your job, and JPC your attendant coming into the building, and you have some requests.

Oh, meow meow today. Uh, Ms. Yeo, very good to see you today. What's going on? I was just saying a meow meow to you. Let me grab the door for you. Oops, sorry, I have to lick my own asshole real quick. And one and a two and a three. Licks to the middle, here we go, and get the door for you, sir.

Uh, I'm sorry, are you... I don't believe I'm saying this. Are you a little cat doorman? Are you a doorman at this building and you're also a little cat?

Oh, forgive me. You must have forgotten. When you first moved in, there was a card.

I'm brand new to the building.

Oh, there should be a card in your welcome package explaining my situation. My name is Doorpy. I'm the doorman cat at this building.

Okay. Oh, reading here. Oh, cursed by a witch.

Sorry to hear that. Sorry, one second. I have to give a

Okay. Until you do 101 good deeds. Interesting. Uh... Okay, and I'm just supposed to... Share a problem with you and maybe you help me fix it and then you can move on. Is that okay? Okay, what do I have? What do I have? What do I have? Well, the moving truck's outside and we have a lot of boxes. You're a cat. You're just going to jump in and you're going to claw my hand when I try to get too near them to pick them up. Boy, do you have my number. Okay, so maybe not, maybe not that.

Excuse me, Torpy, I am so sorry to bother you, and I know you're about to go and walk into the sun, sit it and roll about for a bit, but there is a light that's on my wall in my apartment, and I was wondering if you had time today to perhaps try to catch it for me.

Oh, meow meow meow, Miss Gladhaven, I would be happy to come up there and make that sort of, like, c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c

Thank you, Doorpy.

Yes, of course.

That's such a good one. Thank you so much, man. That's such a good one. Okay, what can I do? A hundred more deeds to go, Doorpy. Oh, so this card is updated, like, live. So that was 101 this morning, and now it's down to 100.

Yeah, well, it's... You haven't done any good deeds yet? I have, but I keep doing bad deeds, and that kind of cancels them out. See, for example, let me just claw your wrist.

Ow!

Come on! I wasn't even trying to pet you. Meow meow meow.

Sir, a word to the wise. Doorpy goes crazy at about 7.30 every day. He has his witching hour and he bounces off the walls, runs and runs and dooms and dooms. So be weary of that and keep the door closed.

Okay, I was going to keep the door to my home closed anyway.

Oh, here he goes!

My lamps!

Okay, I have a new favorite character. It's Dorpy the Cat Door Man.

It's Dorpy, the tiny little cat with the door hot. Tiny little cat, it's Dorpy. He guards the door. I'm Dorpy!

I never want to leave this. Don't make us move on.

What are we thinking about this riddle?

Couldn't tell you what the riddle was.

Okay. I'm honestly trying to think about what the riddle was and I truly have no idea.

Let me... Is it like a cat doorman something? Why aren't you two waiting?

Oh yeah, that's right.

You two are wearing heads and let me read the riddle. It's Rachel and Monica. There's a house. Rachel and Monica have moved into a shared house with several other occupants. Monica doesn't like their new accommodation though because of the angry and aggressive cat that greeted them when they first walked in. But Rachel realizes that there isn't really a problem. Why'd that be?

Is it because the person with the cat is moving out?

Oh, can you sing it in the form of a Billy Joel song?

Uptown cat! No. Ah, sorry. Oh, did I get it wrong? Should I have done moving out?

Well, okay, this brings that, I mean, that's a really great segue to my guess, because my guess is that Monica is cat blind! What is that song?

Head games?

Yeah, yeah, you had to be a big cat, did ya?

Oh Billy Joel. Um, I don't know, is the... Did you answer my question, is this cat inside or outside of the house? Or does it matter?

Hey bud, I don't have to answer your question. And is the cat inside out? Shit, you're right. You're not the boss of me. Malcolm in the middle, is that the part? So we'll say that the angry and aggressive cat was when they walked into the house. So it wasn't like on the porch, it was like in the entryway. Okay.

Wasn't on the porch, it was in the entryway. And they saw the cat when they walked into the house.

So it's a real cat. It's taxidermied.

No.

It's uberdermied. She said it's a real cat and you said, well... There is a real cat involved. Interesting. So this isn't just like a painting of a cat where she's like, it's not a problem. We just turn the painting around and boom.

That still would be kind of creepy. If there's a painting that scared me, I would not feel better if it was just turned around.

I guess you're not invited to my house then. Can I tell you a prank that Mariah and I have been playing that we quite enjoy? We tried to play it the other day, but we couldn't do it because she ran out of computer ink. But we have a printer, or Mariah has a printer, and we have photo paper, and we have an empty 5x7 photo frame in our house that when we have people over, we know people are coming over. We had a dinner party. Take one person that we know is coming over, go to their Instagram, grab a photo of them from their Instagram, print it, frame it, and then hide it with the rest of the pictures. And every time that we've done it, we're getting better, we're getting sneakier, the photos are getting farther away. The first time I did it, I grabbed, you guys know Mike Brundle, right? I just grabbed one of his head shots from IMDb. Everybody that walked in was like, whoa, what's that picture of Mike doing there? I was like, okay, I gotta learn my lesson a little better.

Oh, that's such a funny person to pick too.

But when people see it, they're like, huh, oh, oh, that's me. It's a very fun time. It's always a very fun time.

Did anyone see it and get kind of spooked for a second, like really believe that that was hanging in their house?

No, everybody kind of got the joke. I hoped that people wouldn't see it. People would be over for like an hour and then they'd see it. But so far everyone, it's like the first thing that they see. And they're like, this is very funny. And I'm like, damn it.

What was the most successful version of it?

I would say that the more successful versions are the ones where we take like either a picture of the person like in a group or like farther back. But so like I said, we've only done it like three times in the... or twice because the third time we tried to do it we ran out of fucking ink. But so far it's everyone has noticed it pretty immediately, which is kind of a bummer.

I think you should print out a picture of them. If they post on their Instagram like a picture of them when they were a kid, print that out and then be like, this is me when I was a kid and then see if they fight you on it.

Well, Mariah and I do have a side-by-side picture frame with our baby photos in it, like us as babies. So it would fit in really well to just throw another baby photo there. You really gotta go search for people who post their baby photos.

I think it would be so funny to go over to someone's house and be like, I think that's me as a baby. And they're like, no, that's me. And they're like, I want to stay on my ground here, but I feel like...

Can I tell you, this is Mariah's other idea. By the way, genius at these kind of pranks. The other thing that Mariah wants to do is she's also a designer, so she's pretty good at photo editing. She wants to take photos of us. We have these baby photos of us, but they're separate frames because obviously they're separate photos. But she wants to do baby photos of us hanging out together. I just photoshopped of like us through the ages and then do photos of us as like babies, kids, adults, and then like photos of us as old people, like just like age our faces. Oh my god, that's so funny.

You knew each other your whole lives.

There's you in advance in middle school. Just do our whole lives in photos.

I love that so much.

I think it's such a funny idea, but we have not executed on that idea yet, but I think it's very fun.

JPC, I think what would scare me most if I went into someone's home would be not a photo of me, but a photo of one of my family members.

You saw a photo of Mitch?

Yeah, if I saw a photo of Mitch in your house, I'd be like, what? Or like, if you click on my Instagram and you get a photo of one of my college friends, like, I think you could spook the person more if they go, wait, do you know my aunt Jane?

Here's what you do. Here's what you do is you get a photo of an older person from your family, right? So you take your friend's dad's like brother or something like that, have a photo frame of him. Your friend sees that photo and they're like, what the fuck? That's my uncle Rick and be like, that guy saved my dad's life in 1998. That's your uncle? And he literally pulled my dad out of a freezing river.

He's been looking for him for 20 years to give him a cash prize of $50,000.

Yeah, this is, okay, I think the three of us make a very dangerous team.

I like this. I think my favorite, I think I would like to frame a portrait of like Harold Ramis or something, and then when people come over and be like, oh, that's my grandpa, and they're like, that looks just like Harold Ramis. I'd be like, I don't see it. And if they pull up like, my grandpa? If they pull up a picture, it'd be like, I don't see it. And if they pull up the exact picture, it'd be like, something's wrong here.

It's like him in a movie, and you're like, I don't see it. It's still from a movie he's in.

I don't see it. It's him in full Ghostbuster regalia, and it's like, I don't see it.

I'm like, Adal, so you think your grandpa was a Ghostbuster, who just happens to look like Harold Ray. It's okay.

Okay. Coincidences, I don't know what to tell you.

Okay. I'm just proud of my family. So speaking of family, Rachel and Monica have moved into a shared house with several- This again?

Yes. You're obsessed with this, Adal.

Dude, Adal, you fucking love this riddle. You're right. What is my problem? Let's move on.

I hear riddle bells for Adal and this fucking riddle.

Oh! And we've only gone to riddle court before. We've never married a riddle. Let's go.

Yeah, if you love it, why don't you solve it?

We are gathered here today to see the union between Adal Rifai and the riddle about a cat. Do you have vows to exchange? Adal, you can go first.

Hey man, you're saying that out loud. I know you're nervous, but you're saying that out loud. Yes, I have vows. What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and eight legs at night?

He's reading another riddle in his mouth. It's a little offensive.

Oh, no. He's not reading another riddle. That's another riddle that bursts in here. I think it's one of those runaway bride situations. No, no, no. That's the opposite. What's the situation where someone bursts in and they're like... Oh, the graduate? They'll be, uh... I don't know.

You're objecting to the wedding.

Yeah, I think the graduate. In that movie, I thought that movie just like fucks somebody's mom or something. Yeah, that too. Yeah, I thought he also objects against the wedding. Oh, okay, great. Can we watch The Graduate right now? Is that cool?

It's one of the most successful weddings I've ever been to.

What is this, Adal? I feel like any wedding written by Mike Nichols is a smash. Can I give you a hint? Yes, please. I'd love a hint. So there is a real cat in this riddle, but then there's also, I won't say a fake cat, but there's a visage of a cat.

Oh, it's a cat seeing himself in the mirror.

Ding-doh-dango-tah-tee-tah. Erin, you got it. There is a mirror near the entrance Monica as a cat saw her reflection and thought it was another cat challenging her territory. Rachel can cover up the mirror until Monica becomes settled. But Monica will figure it out eventually even if Rachel does nothing.

Monica was a cat.

Hey, Monica being a cat, that's like a fucking Bruce Willis, Sixth Sense-esque twist because I never imagined Monica as a cat.

I completely agree.

Wait, didn't you imagine date Bruce Willis in Friends? Or was it Monica? I thought Bruce Willis was like someone's dad. Isn't Bruce- He was Ross's girlfriend's dad, but he also dated either- I think he dated Rachel. I think he dated Rachel, yeah. That's right.

Okay, cool. So I've told you guys this before, but Lou had never seen her reflection before. She'd never lived in a place with any mirror close to the ground, and we never thought to like lift her up and show her a reflection.

Erin, you didn't give her a hand mirror so she could explore.

Yeah, we gave her a little hand mirror to fix her makeup, just to powder her face at parties. But we saw her see her reflection for the first time, and she started mooing at herself. And now we think she's a cow. I'm not even kidding. She wasn't barking. She wasn't growling. She was going, moo, moo. Because again, she kind of looks like a cow. She's kind of built like a cow. So I think she thought she was a cow. But me and Sean's sister were dying laughing. We're like, why is she mooing? He's very lost.

Okay, we're going to take a break and deal with this somehow. Trying to convince Erin that her dog's not a cow. I don't know when we'll be back. I don't know if this will get resolved, but we'll try and come back.

So go take a look at your podcast app right now. This might be the end of the episode. It might say like only like one minute remaining and that might just be ads because we don't know if we can come back from this.

Yeah, I don't know if the podcast can recover from this. So we'll see you if we see you.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. I can't do these anymore. No, you have to contract with an applicant that you have to do one of these. So, you know how I was telling you guys that I just needed, like, to kind of chill out? I had too much stress and too much anxiety, and I was looking for something that, you know, to, like, stop the thoughts from racing in my mind. And you guys sent me to a special little world where there's a really fast blue guy kind of spinning around and his little friend, who I think is maybe a fox, except he has two tails, and he's just helicoptering all over the place. That guy didn't help me chill out at all!

I don't even know what this is.

Tailspace. Yeah, it's like an inversion of headspace with tails space. Oh, inversion. Now we're doing inversions. We've been doing this for a while.

JBC, your thought process into how you came up with this ad is putting my mind in endless circles. There's so much stress anytime you start an ad. I don't know what I'm going to hear. I don't know how to respond. And you know, right now more than ever, it's important to practice living healthier and happier lives. So what if a few minutes was all it took to change my relationship with JPC and the stress and anxiety that his ad intros bring to me and I could transform my life for the better. That's the power of meditation with Headspace.

Yeah, you were thinking of Headspace, JPC. Headspace.

Oh, so Headspace is your convenient dose of meditation, mindfulness, and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety and help you get a good night's sleep, all in one app, making it easy to catch your breath and make time for your mental health, and Tailspace is nothing. It's barely like a sonic reference, correct?

Exactly. Headspace is one of the most science-backed meditation apps in the world, proving that meditation works. A study proves that in just two weeks, Headspace can reduce your stress by 14%.

This is great because this is way better than fighting against that egg ban or trying to find the master emeralds.

I like listening to Headspace right before bed. It really helps me wind down. It is a great ending to the day and helps me be more mindful and a little less hard on myself. That's what I like about it.

I know friends of mine who have children and they do morning meditations with their kids before they take them to school. So it's something the whole family can get into.

So why don't you find some Headspace at Headspace.com slash Riddle and get one month free of their entire meditation library. This is the best Headspace offer available. So go to Headspace.com slash Riddle today. Headspace.com slash Riddle. And if you see the bunny with the bionic legs shooting up into the air, you tell her that I died because I care a lot with her.

Have you been going to see Dr. Robotnik? Yes, sir. Hey, JPC and Erin. Whoa, what's up, man? It's not good. Can I crash at one of your places tonight? What happened? Yeah, I guess, sure. Gemma borrowed my laptop and she, I don't know why, looked up my search history and she saw that video I kept telling you two about where a dog and a cat kiss each other and she got really upset.

Yeah, we told you not to go to that video anymore, buddy. It's so funny. It's so funny. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Adal, hold on. She saw your search history. How is that even possible? Weren't you using ExpressVPN? What's this now? Adal, my boy, it doesn't matter who your internet service provider is, ISPs in the US can legally sell your information to ad companies. It doesn't matter if you're clearing your search history, you're going to incognito mode, you gotta use ExpressVPN when you are browsing.

Did you say the ICP can sell my information to the insane clown posse?

Adal ExpressVPN is an app that reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers so your ISP internet service provider can't see the sites you visit. It also keeps all of your information secure by encrypting 100% of your data with the most powerful encryption available.

Adal, most of the time I don't even realize I have ExpressVPN on. It runs seamlessly in the background and it's so easy to use. All you have to do is tap one button and you're protected.

And it's available on all your devices, Adal, your phone, your computer, even your smart TV, so there's no excuse for you to not be using it.

Oh hell yeah, now I can watch all the dogs and cats kiss that I want. But you shouldn't. Just so we're clear, you should stop. So what you're saying is protect your online activity today with the VPN rated number one by CNET. Visit my exclusive link. Yes, my exclusive link. ExpressVPN.com slash Riddle. And you can get an extra three months free on a one-year package. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash Riddle. ExpressVPN.com slash Riddle to learn more. Okay Gemma, time for you to take me back.

Meow, meow.

Ruff, ruff.

Okay Brad, you just kicked me out.

Hey guys um recording might look and sound a little different for me today because I brought my bed into the recording studio so I didn't have to be away from my Brooklyn and sheets.

Oh why didn't you just record in bed?

Oh yes I guess I could have brought my recording equipment. Where were you this morning, huh?

You have a huge gash on your forehead, are you okay?

Yeah, it takes a lot to move bed.

Why don't you just do what I do and mummy wrap yourself in your Brooklyn & Sheets before you go to the recording?

Oh, smart. Next time.

Oh, okay. You two are idiots. Let me show you what I got here. Let me reach into my closet. I made my own custom suit from Brooklyn & Sheets.

Wow, it looks like you ruined three, four sets of sheets?

And these are nice sheets! Yeah, I bought more so I wouldn't say I ruined them. They're the most comfortable sheets I've ever owned and I need to have them pressed up against my nasty little skin at all times.

I think we can all agree that there's no such thing as too much comfort. And if you could use a little more, you're in luck because Brooklynan's biggest sale of the year is here, which means serious savings on some essentials for creating your dream space.

Brooklynan was created to bring dreamy comfort to every corner of your space. At prices so affordable, they may make you pinch yourself or bring your bed into the recording studio.

Can I just say when we found out that Brooklynan was going to be sponsoring Hey Riddle Riddle, Gemma literally jumped off the couch and went,

Yes!

And I said, what's going on with you? And she goes, I've had those sheets before. They're incredible.

I was so excited.

And you know Jima's not supposed to be getting the sheets, right? These are just for us. Oh. Yeah, I don't share mine with Mariah. When I got my Brooklinen sheets, I cut them right down the middle and I said, good luck getting your own sheets. These are mine. I got two pairs now because I cut them all right down the middle.

So for Mariah and all other listeners, don't miss out. Brooklinen's biggest sale of the year is here. Listening after the sale, you can still save. Visit Brooklinen.com and use promo code RIDDLE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-O.

This would be a great gift for the holiday season, and that's been Erin's Gift Guide. Erin's Gift Guide. And there's some gift Brooklyn's Cheats to your mom.

Wow, your theme song needs more confidence.

Take it from me, Sheet Mummy!

Ugh! Sheet Mummy! Who's comin' down the street? Sheet Mummy!

He's a mummy in Sheets!

Sheet Mummy! Oh, he's a big ol' guy who sleeps in bed with a little tie!

Sheet Mummy!

I didn't ask him to sing that. I didn't ask him to sing that at all!

And we're back, and we just did a 23 and me and my dog, Lou, and it turns out she's 80% cow. So we can continue on.

And Erin, I just want to apologize again. I'm so sorry for doubting you.

Yeah. 80% cow, doing the genealogy. How... When, what year do we think a dog fucked a cow? 80% cow to get to Lou.

What's not split here? I want to say every year?

Every year! I guarantee you on this, on God's green earth, every year there's a cow that fucks a dog.

Every year.

I don't need this image.

This is not a call for fan art. Do not do fan art.

That is such a cursed thing.

Cow dog, new character.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Moo, moo, moo. What stops a dog from impregnating a cow? God? I don't want to say. Justice? How come the sperm and egg aren't compatible?

I don't know, man. I mean, that's a great question. They're different species.

I don't like to think about it.

I think the world would be so much more fun if, like, anything went. Where it was just like, oh, this raccoon, the fucked up flamingo, like, we better have a result. Like, there has to be a product of this fortication. I think that would be fun.

Two things. Adal really, this is such an indication that it's the end of 2021 and nothing matters anymore. That thought in your head. You have really come to the end of the line here. Another thing is I want people to tweet at us at what dream combination of animals you would want to see.

So what Adal is describing with like a fun universe where like what happens when a raccoon fucks a flamingo? What you're talking about is Pokemon because in Pokemon they have a Pokemon that's called the Rookamingo, and it's just a raccoon cross with a flamingo, and you're just inventing Pokmon at this point.

Huh.

So?

I guess I like Pokmon. Yeah, I'm saying that the world that you also want to live in, you could just go up to challenge people in tall grass and they will throw Pokballs at you and you will get to fight them for their Pokmon.

So what is a Squirtle a mix of? Is it like a turtle in a water bottle?

It's a Squirtgun.

Squirtgun in a... So now we're getting into inanimate objects.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's be scientists about this. Let's not treat this like it's dumb. A Charizard. Let's work backwards and deconstruct with a Charizard.

Lizard and a charm bracelet. Easy.

Easy. I need to work backwards too, hud. Yes. Perfect. Now a Pikachu would be... A Peeping Tom and a Snooze. These are easy.

It was a fucking hard one.

Okay, okay. I don't know if I know any more.

I can't have this game stop. I need it.

I was gonna say a Pikachu was maybe a Chinchilla and a piece of shit. What are the other... I feel like Casey would know Pokemon. Casey, if you know them, toss them in the chat. There's Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur would be a light bulb and a dinosaur.

There you go. That's exactly correct. What else do we got? We have Vaporeon.

That's a vape pen. Well, it's just two vape pens. It's a vape pen and an Emporium.

Come on down to vape pens Emporium.

Snorlax. That would be a snoring man and a woman saying, just relax. Did you do Charmander? We did Charmander, yes. We did Charmander.

You did Bulbasaur. Did you do Jigglypuff?

No, Jigglypuff would be Puff Pastry plus... The Jigglyman himself, Jay-Z.

Slowpoke?

Yeah, that's Jigglypuff's phrases. What was the last one? Slowpoke? Okay, that would be a turtle and poke. A turtle covered in raw fish, I want to say. A turtle covered in raw fish, yeah, absolutely. Which is just a Salmonella nightmare.

These are easy. I'm saying this is the world that you want to live in Adal. I think it's a beautiful world and I'm here to support you in that journey. That's so fun. What about Mew? Jason Mewes and he just, it's him jerking off. Silent Bob is also there and he's like, stop man, we have to go. Come on dude. It's time to go.

I didn't think we had it in us to invent the best game of all time. I didn't see that for us. This is such a beautiful moment.

Okay and I came up with a theme song just now. Okay. Hey there Pokemon, what two things are you made of? Hey there Pokemon, what two things are you made from?

Eric, can I tell you for a second there, I was like, does Adal know the Pokmon theme song? Is he gonna sing it right now with new words? I was like, surely he doesn't know that theme song.

Oh, sweetie, no. I think when Pokmon came out, I was, I think I was 15, 16? I think I was too old for... It's like Pokmon, ooh, two things must fuck, and they make another thing. Pokmon. Although I was into, is it Digimon? Where you like feed them and make them fight? Was that Digimon?

Sing the song, JPC.

I had one of those in high school.

Alright, so that would be Digimon. Digital monsters, Digimon are the champions. Yay! Literally, that's the whole theme song.

What was the theme song to VR Troopers?

Support all VR Troopers!

And what's the theme song to Succession? No, that's something else.

What is that one? That's a... That's Madman. Madman, that's right.

Yeah. Okay.

We'll get daddy's kisses. Who will get a kiss from daddy? Please check out Demi Adal Rifai's parody of the Six Sessions song. It's very funny. Let's do another Riddle here. Please. A woman with her barking dog enters a room and presses a button. A lot of people with pets walking into rooms. A woman with her barking dog enters a room and presses a button. Within seconds, she instantly loses 20 pounds. And the dog stops barking. How did she lose the weight? She's pressing a button.

She's walking in a room and pressing a button and she loses 20 pounds. And the dog stops barking. Well, when people say, my dogs are barking, that means that their shoes have been on all day and they're taking off their shoes to relax at home. JBC, you nailed it.

This woman has 10 pounds shoes. Because she's a scuba diver. And the air tanks are in her feet. Okay, Erin, please.

Adal, what's the answer?

Oh, close one, close one.

I almost had him.

Clever girl. Clever girl, velociraptor.

Oh no, Adal, my arm's broken. The doctor says the only thing that can help it is the answer to this riddle.

Oh.

You need a nude doctor.

Oh shit.

You need a nude doctor? Yeah. Hey Riddle

Yeah.

Oh my god, if I knew I was dying tomorrow and I would go to the doctor and they say, okay, just take off your clothes and put the gown on and I'll be back in a minute. I would go, you first. And then have my eyes bug out of my head and then see if they laughed. And if they didn't laugh, I'd go, this world is cruel.

I'd like to go to a doctor and get another allergy test. I had an allergy test maybe when I was like 22, 21, and I took my shirt off, I laid it on a table, and they stuck my back with a lot of different little pinpricks of things to see what I was allergic with, but they sectioned it off into sections, and then they did needles on my back. I would love to go back through that exact same experience, except when they leave the room, I would love to prepare a plate of sushi on my back, just like sashimi, sushis, lots of rock Very sexy, very sexy. Then when they come back in the room, I'll be like, I misunderstood what we were doing here.

See, what I like to do is I go to the doctor, and you always have to wait in the room for a little bit, like you're usually sitting on the edge of the thing, and then the doctor comes in. And the doctor usually says something like, sorry for the wait. And what I like to do is, at home I've already printed out a menu, and on the front it says Dr. Yums, and it has a full itemized menu. And then when the doctor says, sorry for the wait, I say, no worries. So let me start with the bruschetta, and then how's the calamari? And that immediately puts the Hey Riddle.

No, no. Okay, here. Here's the move. Here's the move. I'm so sorry. Don't do any of the things we said before. Those were all jokes. When you have to go to a doctor and take off all your clothes, if you go to the doctor's office, they'll say, please undress. Here's this gown. Put the gown on. We'll be right back in. When they come back in, you should be undressed, but that gown should be balled up and held over your genitalia, and you should look terrified. And you should just be holding the gown all balled up over your genitalia, and when they come back in, be like, And they're like, what's going on? Just put the gown on. I'm like, I've never worn a gown before.

I know this goes with that thing, but don't do any of it. Is this a ball?

Were you asking me to dance? Oh no.

Oh no. My first kiss is with a doctor. Oh no. This is not good. You know what I think we should do for a review crew?

No.

What's that?

Oh, okay.

Medical checkups? Allergy tests. I think we should all go in and re-update our allergy tests and that's an excuse to actually take care of ourselves and we'll review it and we'll review all the foods that we're allergic to together.

I am interested in that only because I wonder how allergic I still am to cats because 10 years ago I was very allergic to cats but 10 years before that I was not allergic to cats. So I haven't been around a cat in a while and if I do I like wash my hands you know so I don't know I would be interested to see.

Are there any other Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals you're allergic to or is it just cats?

Oh Erin if I could only name one more Phantom of the Opera? Yeah! Yeah!

Nice! So yes, you're allergic to more than one.

I'm allergic to that, yeah. Christine!

There you go!

Erin, riddle me this. Have they ever done, because this is something we might want to put our investment in. So I don't know if people know this, but we never ended up buying the NYX, which was a shame.

Yet.

Yes.

We're saving up.

Would it be worth it to invest in staging a production of Phantom of the Opera, but it's entirely cast by cats?

So it's the people dressed like they're ready for the musical Cats, but it's fancy with the opera?

No, I'm sorry. What Adal is saying is that we get real cats to cast the musical. So we have people audition as human beings auditioning, but the cats are the ones that decide.

They're just crawling across the audition table, scratching the binder.

If they rub against your leg, then you know that you're in. You got the rule.

Can I make a suggestion of what might make people happy? If you need to pick me up, I can't stress enough, either watch someone do a review of or watch the full version of the Phantom of the Opera sequel, Love Never Dies. It's the most unhinged, hilarious thing. It seems like a parody of a parody of a parody of a parody of a musical. I have never laughed harder than I have at clips from that, so check that out if you need a little pick-me-up.

Okay. Erin, you must be slightly confused. Love Never Dies is the new James Bond movie.

Oh. Okay, so I'm thinking of the one, it's the guy with the suit and the cuff links, and he says, oh, it's James Bond. Yeah.

Yeah, big hat. I guess I had a question for you, Adal. Yes. Are we currently in the middle of answering a Riddle, or is there no Riddle on the board? Because I don't even know where I am right now. Oh, there's a Riddle on the board.

Oh, look at you. And I'll give you the answer if you can remember the riddle.

The dog. The dog 20 pounds one. Give me the answer please.

Damn it. The 20 pounds one. It's the 20 pounds one. Fuck. A woman with her barking dog enters a room and presses a button. Within seconds, she instantly loses 20 pounds and the dog stops barking. How did she lose the weight? Well, well, well, my friends.

Well, wait, wait, wait. Can I ask a question? Yes. Was it 20 pounds like physical pounds or was it 20 pounds like money? It was not smart. Did she pay a man to kill her dog?

Could you shut this guy up? It is, uh, it is weight. Hmm.

Okay. And is it hurt off her person or is it dog weight? Did she lose dog weight?

She didn't, I'm gonna say she didn't technically lose the weight. It is just currently in flux.

Interesting. I would love to figure out a way to flux some of my weight around. So I'm, I can't wait to hear the answer.

So it's something on her person. So it's just like a bag or something she was carrying. Hey Riddle Riddle.

You know when you're trying to move sideways through a tight hallway and you're like, ah, can't fit, so you take out your baby, go through the hallway and then put it back in?

So you've met a pregnant woman before.

Yeah. I think what Adal has met is a pregnant rat. I think they can smoosh all their bones down and then go under a door. I want to see a scene. Oh.

That inspired you?

JPC pregnant rat. What's he going to do with this?

What's he going to do?

JPC, you are a dog. Erin, you are the dog's owner and the two of you are sitting, you've been sitting in a room for three days and you're both at sort of your wits end with each other and you're trying to kill each other.

We're okay, we're okay, we're okay. Truce. Let's just do a truce.

Here's the thing.

Nobody has to die.

You have such a dog voice for a human. It's really offensive to me that you sound so much like a dog.

Okay, what's offensive about my voice? I don't think my voice is inherently offensive.

Well, I'm sorry.

Okay, so what that is, is like you don't speak the language, so you're just making a lot of ru-ru-ru sounds, okay? That's actually even worse.

Well, maybe if you socialize me with more dogs, I would be able to speak my language.

Sure. Okay. I'm going to bring you around a bunch of other dogs. You're going to start in with that Ruru Ruru Ruru. By the way, a language I speak because I fucking bothered to learn it. And you think that's going to socialize you? Those other dogs are going to give you the cold shoulder.

Enough is enough. Xing!

Oh my God. Charlie Xing? I love you in two and a half minutes. Oh, thank you.

Oh no! You killed the man I love, Charlie Sheen!

Lick's knife. You next.

Okay, okay. What about this? What about if I pulled out a little paparoni, huh?

Oh, oh my gosh, please.

I'm so good.

Well, I don't know. I'm so good.

I've been cute this whole time.

This is only for very good dogs, okay?

I am such a good dog. Look, I'm moving my butt left to right.

Okay, if you're such a good dog, let's see what Emilio Estevez has to say, okay? Are you going to be nice to Emilio Estevez or are you going to kill him?

Probably, probably. Ducks fly together. I'm not getting vexed.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, qu

Yeah, it turns out the most likable of all the sheens is the dad.

He's my president. He's fictional.

So what do we think is going on with this woman who loses 20 pounds? I would say it has more to do with the room than anything on her person.

Is she in a pool? Is she losing pounds because of buoyancy or some shit?

She's not in a pool, but that's 100% on the right track.

Anti-gravity.

Hey Riddle. That sounds like a poster that would be like hanging up in a third grade classroom. It's like John Cena giving a thumbs up and it's like, what the fuck is this for? In Mr. Clamtree's class, physics are always an action.

Why do you have a mark where your wedding ring was?

Class is miss, everybody go home. But it's homeroom. Shut the fuck up, get out of here. So what do we think, so not space, not water, but... physics are in action. Is she in the air? Is she in the elevator? Yes! That's it! The room is actually in the elevator. When she gets inside to go down to her room, the elevator accelerates downward, making her weight temporarily lower. Is that true?

No! Fuckin' no. Erin, if we heard it in a riddle, it must be true.

Yeah. We have smart people who listen to the show. They'll tell us what's going on.

If you die in a riddle, you die in real life. I know that for a fact.

That's really scary.

Well, that's just science. Should we do one more riddle?

Yes, I would like to.

I would fucking cream my corn if we got to do one more riddle.

But before we do that, I want to do a scene that I wanted to call earlier.

Well, then my corn's not getting creamed now, is it?

That should be hanging up as a poster in a third grade classroom. Yeah, if you want to get fired. Mr. Anderson, can you stop bringing in homemade posters? So this scene is going to be the two of you are brand new spanking never-before-seen debuting today Pokemon, meaning you're a combination of two different animals, and you're just going to be kind of meeting each other because you're in the wings waiting to be introduced. Okay.

Oh, sorry. I'm nervous. Are you nervous?

Yeah, I'm super nervous. I am super nervous. I'm so sorry. Yeah. This is so rude. I know it looks like I'm staring at you.

Yeah, you're trying to figure out what combination of things.

I'm trying to figure it out.

Yeah. I'm a skunky skunk. I'm a skunk that's healthy and a very, very sick skunk combined.

You're a skunky skunk.

Yeah, I'm a skunky skunk. I'm a fucked up skunk and a regular skunk.

Because I'm looking at you and I'm like, are you a skunk? Right. But you're not a skunk because it's like, something's off.

Yeah, something's wrong. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Coming through. It's my turn to be introduced. I'm going to go on stage. Pardon me. My name is Mutt Plug, by the way. I'll see you guys afterwards. No questions. No questions. No questions. You want to know what I am? No, we're good actually.

We're all good. Be on your way.

Mutt Plug out.

Oh God. Sorry, I know this is... I'm not trying to be rude or anything. It's probably clear to a lot of other people. I'm just a really fucked up skunk. Half of me is. So what are you?

Okay, I'll give you half of it.

Okay.

It's... half of it is egg salad.

Okay, so are you a Frasier? You're egg salad?

No, no. Oh, that would be yes. No, I get where you're going. No, okay. I can just tell you. I mean, it's gonna be hard to guess. Plus, it doesn't really work the way that they named me.

Okay.

I made Chalamet.

Oh, are you Timothy Chalamet with egg salad?

So the way it happened was Timothy Chalamet was eating egg salad, so I pushed his face into it.

Not a bad origin story. Excuse me, you two. It's my turn to be introduced. My name is Tobler Pone.

I'm half Toblerone.

No questions! We have no questions. We have no questions.

No questions. No.

Tobler Pone.

Don't.

I know. I don't.

Well, I think that you are going to be a fan favorite. Everyone, Timothy Chalamet is very hot right now.

Yeah, it sounds, you know, it's a polarizing dish, so I don't know. I mean Skunky Skunk though, I think that people are really gonna love you because it's like it's like a new take on something that everyone kind of is familiar with already. So there's like, you know, you don't really have to relearn anything for Skunky Skunk.

Yeah, since I'm like a fucked up skunk, you would think it would mean that I, like, my spray smells good. It just smells worse than a regular skunk. Can I tell you something? People had to throw away their dogs when I sprayed them. What?

Can I say something? And this is the chalumnae side of me talking? Sure. You keep saying you're a fucked up skunk. Yeah. That's like really negative. Like, I think that you're beautiful, and this is the egg salad part of me talking. I smell fucking horrible. I think I've been out of the sun too long. That's a non-secretary. That's just the egg salad part of me wanting to say something.

Wow, what to take away from that? What to learn?

Perfection. Here's our final riddle. The sound of Brian snoring is usually just annoying, but today it causes terror and panic. Why?

Dude's a pilot of a plane!

That is basically it. He's a pilot of a helicopter. He's a pilot of a navy ship. He's a pilot of a spaceship.

He's a pilot of a spaceship.

He was born on a pirate ship. You basically got it. Brian is a bus driver. You do not want to hear that driver snort.

Okay, I got a CSC. So this is like speed, but it's the exact premise of speed. Erin, you're going to be the Sandra Bullock?

That's what my drug dealer told me the other day. He handed me a bag and I said, what's this? And he goes, this is like speed.

You're going to be the Sandra Bullock role. Adal, you're going to be the bus driver in speed. The only difference is you have to be in at least 50 minutes of REM sleep or else the bus explodes.

Oh, sorry, is there a problem? You should take your seat, ma'am.

Yeah, sorry, I know you're trying to sleep. It's just, I had a really funny story I wanted to tell you, but no, I'll let you sleep.

Yeah, sorry, just let me get some REM sleep for just 10 seconds and I'll be right with you. Here we go.

That's me in the spot. Sorry, I nervous cough. I'm supposed to be quiet. Sorry, I'll be quiet. I'll be quiet. I'm going to let you sleep. I'm going to let you sleep.

Let me get some REM sleep here.

Oh my God, did you hear that? Sorry. Sorry. That was just me. It was just my own breathing. I thought I heard.

Do you want this bus to crash?

No, I really don't. I just sometimes I get like, are you mad at me? You're not mad at me, right? Yes I am. I feel like we're not done for the day. I'm trying to get my REMs. I know. Sorry. Alright. Sorry. Hey, what? I'm feeling really awake and I get really anxious when I'm feeling really awake and the person I'm with is sleeping.

Do I recognize you from something? I feel like I know your face.

Oh, me? I'm Sandra Bullock from Movies.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

What are you doing? You ride the bus like a regular person?

I'm half sand, half... What?

Wait, I'm sorry. Do you say you're Sandra Bullock from Movies? Yeah. Oh, you were in that movie where you were all about Steve. You weren't all about Steve. I saw that movie.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was wondering if I could get my money back.

That's a little mean. I was also in Miss Congeniality.

Oh shit, can I get my money back?

Hey everybody, Sandra Bullock's up here giving money back for bad movies she did.

I'll give that money back for the proposal and nothing else.

I saw the net. Can I get money back for that?

The what?

Wait, can I get money back if I saw Oceans 12 and thought it was Sandra Bullock the whole time?

No one wants Keanu Reeves' money back. No one wants any money back from him. Are you sure? Are you sure?

Huh, what could we get money back for Reeves? I mean, Matrix, John Wick, Bill and Ted. Oh, The Lakehouse? Solid. That's a solid movie.

Huh.

Huh.

It's because I'm a woman.

Oh, what?

I'm an older woman in Hollywood and that's why you want your money back.

No, here, take my money.

There we go.

Scene. Scene. Ah, the tables have turned. Well, that's our show. Erin, do you have anything to plug for yourself or Sandra Balick?

I'm so glad you asked. No, that's the only thing I have to plug. We also want to plug, sorry, about TikTok. I've seen so many Hey Riddle Riddle TikTok tip, tip, tip tops? TikToks pop up on my For You page and they always blow my mind and make me smile. So thank you to anyone who's made those. Those are so sweet.

Hell yeah. JPC, anything to plug? I don't want to blow my mind and smile. That sounds like sensory overload. Nothing for me to plug, you can follow me twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. Adal, anything you'd like to plug?

I just want to plug like, you know, just like, I don't know, just like call a friend or something, you know?

That's nice.

No text, just like call them, you know.

If Adal's gonna plug phone a friend, I am gonna plug 50-50, which motivates two incorrect answers. Erin, is there anything that you would like to plug in that instance? Yeah, there's a third one. Phone a friend, 50-50.

Pull the audience, I'd like to plug polling the audience. You're not really making a choice unless you're asking a bunch of people what they think of that choice.

And Erin, one final question for a million dollars. Is the planet I'm thinking of A. Mercury, B. Uranus, C. Saturn, or D. Jupiter? You have one minute.

I'd like to phone a friend.

Okay, who are we talking to?

I'd like to call my friend JP Riddles.

Okay, let's call JP Riddles for an answer. Here we go. Okay, it's ringing. It's ringing. Still ringing, okay?

Hello, J.P. Riddle's phone. Hi, J.P. Riddle's. What planet is he thinking of? A. Saturn, B. Uranus, C. Mercury, D. Jupiter.

I'll tell you what, that Dr. Fauci's on another planet. If he thinks I'm gonna put that microchip in my arm, Bill Gates lives on a yacht with all the pedophiles in the world. And he's gonna try to get me sick. No thanks, Mr. Gates. I'm not gonna get your virus.

And I'm so sorry we are out of time. D Jupiter! Nope, I'm sorry.

I lost a million dollars. But he's family, so what do you need to do?

I also want to say... We've been cancelled!

Casey just said we've been cancelled! Casey, I get it.

For a future reference, I don't appreciate that the person you called popped their head out of my mouth. I don't know how that happened, but I would prefer that it don't happen again. Well everyone, I'm just filming. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars, as Casey Kasem said. Bye-bye forever!

That all sounds like a poster in a middle school classroom.

This episode was a mess, let's just throw it away.

Hey there, turkeys and scarves. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a special fall edition of America's favorite game show, small, medium, or large. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. See you there!