This is a HeadGum podcast. Hey Adal. Hey JPC. I have a bone to pick with you. Okay, they're not here. Anyways, I was just away from my house for five days, and you know what that means. I missed my bed. And I missed my bed because I missed my Brooklinen bedding. Brooklinen was started to create beautiful, high-quality home essentials that don't cost an arm and a leg. Brooklinen has something for your every comfort need, ideal for seasonal refresh because they're launching new products, colors, and patterns all the time. I'm talking buttery soft and breathable sheets, plush and absorbent towels, Cozy robes, this is the most mesmerizing list of all time, and comfy loungewear you'll want to put on and never take off. They're so confident in their core products that they come with a 365-day warranty, and fans are confident too. They've received over 75,000 five-star reviews and counting. Also, their customer service is a dream to work with if you ever have an issue. I love my bedding so much and I want you to experience that too. So give yourself the comfort refresh you deserve and get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code RIDL to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com And enter promo code RIDDLE for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's brooklinen.com promo code RIDDLE. R-I-D-D-L-E. What do you think Adal and J.P.C.? Oh my gosh, they're not here. Adal? J.P.C.? Adal? Where are they?
The doctor was the mother. She stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane.
He stabbed him with the knife in the way.
I'm going to three. Oh, three? Seventeen for me.
Thank you. I'm going to the riddle floor.
Oh actually, can you change mine to roof?
Sure. We're gonna stop at three.
Still, but we can go out.
That's annoying. Well, that's how elevators work, man. You asked for three and you can't unpress an elevator button. Oh my god. You should be able to unpress an elevator button.
Wow. Can we make that technology? Also buddy, you should stop thinking about elevators and start thinking about how to elevate her.
Oh, we're not together. We're strangers.
Oh, I just assumed. You're both the same height, so I assume.
Can I ask you a question? Was it the way that I was looking at her? I gotta stop looking at people that way. Because doctors have told me that I have fallen love eyes. Doctors?
Eye doctors, probably, right?
Love doctors? They're optotritians? Optothetritians? Ophthalmatritians.
That's not an eye doctor.
Thank God. Thank God. Because with their prices, they'd better not be eye doctors.
Thank you. But yeah, exactly. And that might be the feedback that I'm getting. So I don't know. It's good that someone called it out. And ma'am, I apologize. Because I, again.
We're at the seventh floor.
The seventh floor? Who said seven?
Three. Oh, okay. Someone, I accidentally. Oh, hold on.
We're at seventeen now. Just stay here. Stay here. Can we just hit the ten button? Since we're already on seven, hit the ten button. That will add up to seventeen.
Oh, okay. Yeah, ten. All right.
Can I ask you, ma'am, what? One, thank you so much for pressing the buttons. Two... No problem.
That is sort of my obligation when I'm the one standing closest to the buttons. I totally get it.
What is on the riddle floor, can I ask?
It's a podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle. I've heard it now. It's been going on for what feels like 10 years. Oh, you've heard enough? Okay, no problem.
Wait, I've heard of that podcast.
Oh, you have good things? Probably?
You know, it's like when someone says something and as you're going about your day, here we are, we're on 10 actually. This is 10. Okay, so that didn't work. You don't have to say ding. The elevator already said it.
Oh, okay. I'm so sorry. I like to say ding just in case someone didn't hear the ding. All right, I'm gonna press 17 now.
Thank you. I think it's that thing where you remember a dream because someone said something that you only referenced in the dream. So I know that I've heard of Hey Riddle Riddle. I just don't know that I've listened to it. And my gut reaction tells me I wouldn't like it.
We're on the third floor now.
17. Oh, this is the third floor?
It is. All right. Starting over.
Oh, we went down. I got out at 10 and hit the down button. And so, okay. And did you say you had an appointment on the riddle floor?
I'm actually a host on the riddle floor. I'm not worried about getting there on time. They'll be okay without me, so I'm just kidding.
Oh, so you like, you sit people down at their tables and stuff?
No, that would be a worthy way to spend your life and your time. I do a riddle podcast, which is I know it takes from the world. I can't quite quantify how much it takes. Yeah. Oh, not a joke. All right. We're on the third floor now.
Great. So what do people just stand? Like who takes them to their tables?
Well, it's actually no restaurant is involved at all. And I love that this is a really good question. I'm glad that we're talking about it. But yeah, no restaurant. It's just sort of riddles.
We're kind of lukewarm on riddles, but actually this year we kind of love them.
I was trying to gauge what a podcast was through only context clues, and so I think I'm way off.
Ding! All right, we're on the 17th floor.
Okay, I keep doing this. This is where my ex-wife lives. I don't live here anymore.
Well, I'll have to take my helicopter to wherever I live, so the roof is fine for me as well. I'll get off with this gentleman. Oh, that's where I'm going. Can I get a ride? Why were you going to the roof?
Well, I was going to try and jump over to my hotel, but a helicopter ride would be quicker. Oh, absolutely.
Okay, so you're actually, sir, you're staying at the hotel across the street?
Yeah, but I find it's easier to get up to the roof of this building, jump off that onto my building, and then take the stairs down.
Why? Because their elevator is so erratic.
Yeah, it just sucks. This is wild. I'm actually staying at the hotel next door as well until my divorce is like final, final. So I don't mind giving you a helicopter ride right over there. They've got a great landing pad.
Thank you so much. That would be fantastic. Thank you.
And I'll get out right before you guys, because it goes riddle floor, roof. So this will work out great.
We're almost there. So what floor, if there's, numerically, what floor is the riddle floor? Or is it just called riddle floor?
Well, sometimes it disappears. You know how like some buildings don't have a 13th floor?
Oh, it's like way side, sideways stories from way side high?
Way side school, yes, of course. I love those books. Those are great books.
Oh, they're books? I just read up the phrase.
And I'm only familiar with the porn version.
What's the porn version? Sideways?
Ding. Well, it looks like we're here on the Riddle Floor. Crazy idea. Crazy idea. Wild idea.
Please don't ask me out. I can tell by your eyes that you won't ask me out.
Again, it's doctor say that that is a problem for me. Sir, I didn't quite catch your name. My name? Yeah. My name is Adal Rifai. Well, my name is John Patrick Coan. I go by JPC. Would it be a crazy imposition if my new friend Adal and I came with you to... Oh, the doors are closing.
Okay. Ah, no, no way to stop it.
Oh, well, we're on the floor and you're still in the elevator, so... Oh, fuck. Bye. Oh, I guess she's going to the roof. JVC, you want to host this episode? I doesn't feel right to do it without Erin.
Why don't we do this one on the roof? No, I'm good. Okay. And the Podcasting Award for Best Introductory Opening Bit to a Podcast goes to... Dungeons and Daddies!
This American Life! Knows on camp!
Hit the ira glass ceiling.
And welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. This is a podcast about riddles, but it's also an exercise for three friends to maybe have a good time. It's an exercise in audience patience.
How was everyone's week this week?
Erin, that's a great, great, great question. My week was great. Are you guys familiar with the city of Chicago? Heard of it? Ultimately, they answer to the chief of police and the police unions, but the mayor is usually the one that runs the city, but Chicago has a really fun little system where instead of just having one mayor, we have like 45 little mini mayors and they're called alderman or alder people, I guess, and they like run like any neighborhood. So our alderman told us last week that they were going to pave our alley, which is great because our alley is like all fucked up. It's you know it's it's an alley but it's it's just like potholes and it feels like you know it feels like every time I drive over it I'm like oh I'm gonna fuck my tires up beyond belief.
And is the phrase pave your alley is that like a euphemism like what did a tough guy show up in like a tight shirt and he's like hey I'm gonna pave your fucking alley.
Like you think a tough guy in a tight shirt was gonna eat my ass? Alright, so it is a euphemism. Well that's a bummer because you left me a flyer that said it would be. And then like four more days went by and I called him back and I was like hey like you said you'd call me back like I just I just want to know like do you know what the alley situation is? And he was like I don't know man it's like city of Chicago right? And I'm like that shouldn't be the answer like that's not an answer.
That's also not something you should be saying out loud to me. We're not commiserating about this you work for them.
But today I was just walking around and suddenly I looked outside and they were paving the alley. So it was great. That's amazing. The alley's freshly paved and I'm happy about it. I'm thrilled about it. Fly the dub.
Fly that dub. Fly that dub. That's why people fly the dub, right? It's not for the cubs winning or losing. It's for if you get something in life done. If the city government does what they've promised you to do, you fly that dub. Erin, my week was pretty good, a few highlights. I did a livestream with Gemma for the Patreon, and I dressed up as Cowboy Christ, so that was really fun. It was like I was wearing a Christ robe with a duster over top of it, long beard, long hair, and then a cowboy hat with a crown of thorns on top.
Did you get struck by lightning while you were wearing it? Almost. Oh, okay.
And my catchphrase was yee-haw-la-lujah, uh, submitted by a listener, so that was fun. So that's on the Patreon.
And then I also... Okay, we might, we might have to talk, Adal, because that's, that's crossing awfully close to Pretzel Jesus. I know it's not, but it's like, it's in the same camp. And so just like... Understandable. Yeah, I'm not going to do like my new character like scientist lizard or whatever.
J.J.C. is holding tight to Pretzel Jesus. A character he's done once.
Just so all of our characters have their own space to kind of grow and come back. Okay, just so we all know.
Someone's fishing for Pretzel Jesus to come back on this episode.
I think I came up with Pretzel Jesus.
If it's been a while since J.P. Rose has shown up too, I mean, anyone at any time could call for a swan look, okay? There's a fucking million of them.
Alright, well today we're doing the Mount Rushmore of JPC characters on this episode. Careful what you wish for it to be a wedding.
Let's save that for President's Day. And the Mount Rushmore would be JP Riddles, Pretzel Jesus, Teddy Roosevelt, and a duck choking on Mountain Dew.
I want to ask this question because I don't know. Can't a Mount Rushmore have repeats? Because I would probably have more.
That's terrifying. The other exciting news from this week was I've decided that I'm going to go to Puerto Rico in November because Gemma has a layover there for like 30 hours or something. So I'm going to come crash her layover and it'll be my first time in Puerto Rico.
That's so amazing. That's awesome.
Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico? I don't know. I panicked. Adal, I don't think, technically I don't think you can do it wrong. Oh, like Reese's. Yeah. Erin, how was your week? And this is a leading question because I know you had a rough week.
Well, hi highs and low lows. I was having a pretty good week. Speaking of Dungeons and Daddies, weird that you mentioned that, I went to a wrestling show with Anthony Birch and Beth May and a few other people and I had, my personality changed. I am into wrestling now. I had the time of my life. I've never laughed harder. I've never felt more at peace in my heart.
That's so fun, right? Was it AEW or WWE?
And I was dying laughing. There was two children. What's that indie circuit in LA? No, not in the ring.
Do you remember the name of it, Erin? What the indie circuit is? There was only two children on a wrestling show, typically.
It was late at night and it was not kid friendly. And then the kids ended up leaving at like 10. They were flipping off the heels, all the villains. They were like, fuck you to the villain. So they were really getting into it. But when they left, one guy yelled, fuck those kids. And I stood up and I gave him two middle fingers.
Erin, not to mansplain, but they're called Heelys. Kids were Heelys.
Oh, right. It's wrestling pro wrestling.
That's what you meant. Okay. Wrestling pro wrestling. I think yelling fuck those kids is like a risky thing to yell. I would be very careful before choosing to yell those words in pretty much any context. Kids have nothing to lose.
I was pissed but I had the best time and I was really nervous because I'm a fan of theirs and I was nervous to hang out with them but they are so nice and funny in person. But that's why my week was so bad. No. My week was bad because I got into a car accident. And everything's okay and no one got really hurt. I got a little hurt, but everything is okay. It does hurt your feelings. I will say that is part of it is you get really, really scared when you're in a car accident. Like it fucks up your nervous system. It's like a really terrible thing to happen. So I'm sorry, it's my first, like, car accident really, so I'm sorry to anyone who's experienced this. It's very scary.
You also get this, like, shot of adrenaline when you're in a car accident, and then, like, later when the adrenaline kind of wears off, if you don't have, like, you know, painkillers, because you start to realize, like, oh no, like, it did really hurt to be in a car accident. Like, even if you don't get hurt, once the adrenaline's gone, it's like, oh no, no, my body was just, like, kind of protecting me for a second, but it can't keep this up forever.
Right. I think I was more in shock at first and then like the next day I was like, oh no, this is painful.
Yeah, I would advise some ibuprofen and a lot of water to anyone who happens to get into a car accident where you don't require like more than that.
But it's like getting in a lot of water.
It's like getting a massage. I'd say Pedialyte. Ohh, Pedialyte. Someone said stomach flu.
The way I described the pain, because I had to go to the chiropractor and a couple other doctors and all that.
Well, I'm sorry Erin, I gotta stop you right there. The chiropractor and a couple other doctors, that would be the chiropractor plus some doctors.
Not other doctors. That is a very good point. A chiropractor is not a doctor.
No, they're not even a dentist. As much as they try
I don't think that you're doing a bad job describing it. I think you're describing a thing that I don't know. So I think you're doing great, but I can't help you.
Well, with those bouncy things, you're running as fast as you can, but you're connected to a bungee cord, essentially. And so once you run and place the thing, it pulls you back like a jellyfish. Really, really hard. It's terrible. I'm sure they're illegal now.
You should have told the chiropractor, I haven't felt this much pain since I was on my Shetland pony and I hit my butler while Father's Lamborghini was...
Like, there's like a place in Massachusetts where people had their birthday parties where there was like a whole warehouse of these things and there were like rats there. So I don't think this is a rich person thing.
I think this is like... Honestly, Erin, I totally agree with you. The place that you're describing to a chiropractor, I think any chiropractor would understand that because that sounds like where they went to medical school. So it does make perfect sense. Oh yeah, I got all of my degrees from that play place in Boston.
And speaking of, you have a cavity in your lower lumbar.
Casey said that they have them at county fairs. So that makes sense.
Yeah, they have rats everywhere. County fairs. Sam's Club.
I said that to him and he was like, yeah, whiplash. And I was like, I have whiplash. I smacked my head on the dashboard and it messed up the top half of my body. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, the thing that you get from car accidents is whiplash. That's something you definitely get.
Yeah, so I got some whiplash and a swollen face, but I'm alive and I'm more grateful than ever.
Erin, we're very happy you're okay. Can I ask when it happened, did it flash in front of your eyes of like, oh no, I have to record Hey Riddle Riddle? Like, was that your first concern?
Um, no. Be honest. I did see my life flash before my eyes, but by life I mean just a slow montage of us recording the show.
That's rough. Yeah. You joke, Adal, but when I got into my bad car accident when I was like 20, the very first call that I made was to the people I was doing a 48-hour film project with and I was like, I don't think I can do this 48-hour film project.
I want to, there I call for a scene. Yes, I dare. I want to see a scene. Erin, because it's fresh and I don't want to make light of it, we're not going to have that you were in a car accident in this scene. But you are visiting a chiropractor for other reasons, just for random checkup or whatever. JBC, you are the chiropractor and it just so happens that this chiropractor is JP Riddles.
Um, hello? Sorry, I know I probably have the wrong place because we're sort of in the middle of nowhere, but I'm here to see- It's not the middle of nowhere, it's actually the middle of somewhere.
It's just not somewhere you want to be.
Oh, then I'll head out. I'm supposed to see J.P. Riddles.
You actually found the right guy. It's me. I hold J.P. Riddles and this is my... What would you call this? What would you call this? What would you call what I do? What do you think I am? You guess what I think I am.
Well, I'm here to see a chiropractor.
That's it! A chyron tractor. That's who I am. So what, you got a broken screen or something?
No, um, my... Your scroll all messed up?
No, I... You trying to get to your Star Wars and you can't do it? Well, I'm a chyron tractor. I got into a car accident. You got into a car? Holy dreams! I've always wanted to get into a car. What was it like? How many buttons did you fire? Did everything smell like leather? Ooh, that good kind of leather, not squirrel leather.
I'm a little confused. My friend Maureen said you were the best chiropractor she's ever worked with.
Do you want to just check out Ma- I ain't never worked with a raccoon named Maureen. And if she says I have, she's lying. She's probably one of these pill freaks.
And we cut to Erin, you're getting a second opinion at a new chiropractor who happens to be Pretzel Jesus.
Skateboard into a McTwist. You think you're running late? I'm running about three days late. Pretzel Jesus here.
Hi, my friend Maureen said you were the second best chiropractor she's ever worked with and I am in a lot of pain.
I know Maureen. Let me guess, what's her order? Body of Christ, nacho cheese. I did her right.
Everybody's favorite character from 70 episodes ago.
Oh, God. You know what? I didn't think that we were going to find the perfect entry point for those two characters, but it worked really well.
Yeah, very, just seamless transitioning. Seamless. Uh, who's, Erin, is it your episode?
It must be, because we had an unriddles 30 minutes in. It must be.
Not to, not to tell, not to tell teacher, but I think we might be in trouble if we don't do at least half a riddle.
You're an absolute tattletale, by the way.
I've noticed. You want bullies to give you the name?
Be corrected into Attletale. Bullies must have fucking loved you.
Um, actually if you want to punch me, just punch right here. There you go.
Good job pal. Hey Twerp, actually I'm a dumbass, legally.
You want us to bully him, is he like 6'3"? Trust me. Just walk up to him, it will be easy to do.
He's huge, I think he played football.
He's a fucking doormat, dude.
He'll draw you a fucking map right to his vulnerabilities.
When I played high school football, I was like, probably the best shape of my life, like working and everything. And then on the field, when somebody had the ball and I would run up to tackle them, I'd whisper into their helmet. I'd go, can you just fall? Like, do you mind just following? I'm so sorry to follow you. No worries if you can't. No worries if you can't.
No worries if you're busy. No worries if you're busy. What question can you never answer yes to?
What question can you never answer yes to?
Can I have this dance? I can't say it. I can't say it. I can never answer yes to that. I would love to dance with you, but I can't.
Can anyone own a dance? No. Is it when you're dancing with your bride or groom and then your uncle says, may I cut in?
Um, it's nothing to do with dancing. We're on the wrong track.
Oh, fine. We're on the wrong track? Good, because this is a dance track.
But Julia Stiles is tied to this track. Thank you. Thank you. Erin, I believe I know the answer.
Oh, yeah. I guess that's how an answer would work. Then say it.
I believe the answer is, are you awake?
What? I can't say yes to that?
Are you awake? You mean are you asleep? Or are you asleep?
Hey, are you awake? I can't say yes.
Oh, Adal, yes, if they have sleep paralysis. Yeah. Yeah, that's what he meant.
Which I've had before. Which I do. Maybe the worst thing in the world.
Yes, you were correct. It is, are you asleep yet? And I would like to see a scene. Okay. You are two brothers who share a room and you watched a scary movie earlier that night and now you're both in your beds trying to sleep and you're like trying to just make sure your brother's there because you're scared but you don't really want to admit that you're scared.
Hey Tony, Tony, Tony. Yeah, Anthony?
That movie was fucked, right? Um, I don't... I don't even... I mean, why... Who brought up the movie?
Like, why even talk about... Why even talk about... No, I'm just saying, like, that ogre... Like, he was... That guy was insane. He was so huge, his shoulder was so broad. I'm sorry, I'm just saying.
I'm trying to go to sleep. Who cares about the movie?
Forget about the movie, Anthony. Fiona looked just like him. Big broad shoulders. It's very scary. Yes, Anthony.
I saw the same movie that you saw. But now it's time for bed and it's time to just forget about it and stop bringing it up because we don't need to talk about it. Because it doesn't matter. Because it's over. It was just a movie.
Because it didn't exist. Okay, Tony, fine. Do you mind, um, do you mind checking under my bed to make sure there's no little gingerbread man?
Yes, fine. I'll check under your bed to make sure there's no little gingerbread man, okay? Getting out of bed here. See? Nothing. It's fine. It's clear. It's un- nothing under the bed. Why would there even be- Let's not talk about the movie! What was that? Anthony, we both know what that was. Tony, what was that? Anthony, we both know what that was. That was a little gingerbread man who's under my bed. So now I checked your bed. It's your turn to check my bed. I did you a salad, Anthony. Now you gotta go do me one. But if we know, I'm not gonna... I checked your bed! You have to check mine. I don't want to look.
I'm not sure I've come to the right place, but I'd like to trade my kids in for new kids. It's come to my attention that my children are scared of the movie Shrek.
No, this is the best buy parking lot. You're in the right place.
Same. I'm sorry. My kids are scared of Shrek?
I can totally see my kids being scared of Shrek.
Maybe not the movie Shrek, but the creature Shrek?
Sure. Yeah. I really enjoyed that you were Tony and I was Anthony. I think that was a fun little, little Easter egg. Someone's got sopranos in the brain.
Yeah, that's a bad mom for a lot of reasons. She had one Tony and one Anthony.
Another quick, easy warmup. I shave every day, but my beard stays the same. What am I?
Well hold on, it's not easy unless we solve it. That's true.
I shave every day but my beard stays the same. Jonathan Van Ness? Homer Simpson?
Can you repeat it one more time?
Yes. I actually canceled out that riddle because I thought you guys would get it right away. So I have to go back to it. Just some honesty on your, what do you need to do?
Well, Erin, maybe stop having faith in us, huh? Wow.
I shave every day, but my beard stays the same. What am I?
A bald man. Is there no beard? Is there no beard to begin with?
I love that. I think you're on the right track before, Adal. So like, maybe it's someone's job.
Oh, a barber. A bearber. Wait, how does the beard stay the same? So the guy shaves other people's faces, but his beard is untouched.
No, but the beard grows, so it can't stay the same unless it's not growing.
I guess he's trimming it. Well then he's cutting it. Stop squeezing your head so hard JBC.
Why does this man get to lie? That's my question. Why does he get to lie? But I do it once at a bank and I'm banned for life.
He's talking about a sperm bank. He's talking about a sperm bank.
He lied. Well this cup is all full. Sir, this cup is empty. There's nothing in this. No, I did a very good job and I filled it all up. So, please take it and freeze it. Okay, I want to see a scene.
This is what we were talking about. We're having fun with our friends. This is what we're talking about when we say that.
Adal, what's the scene? I want to see a scene. Erin, you are, this is like, I want this to be like 1950s. I want this to be old school. Erin, you are, this is almost like a catch me if you can situation where you're on the lamb, you're on the run from the FBI. You have snuck into a barber shop and you're posing as a barber. And JPC, you just happen to walk in and sit down in the chair right when she's faking being a barber.
All right, I only have 15 minutes for my lunch break, so this better be quit.
I want- Well you've come to the right place.
All right, I want a double bowl cut.
Ooh, I know how to do that. Two bolts. And I'm tying the little thing and putting the shave cream.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's all this shaving cream? I want a double bowl cut. You don't need to touch the cheeks or the jaw or any of that. Bowl cut.
Sir, look at me. He turns them around and Cher leans down.
I have a handlebar mustache and you're going to tell me I don't know what I'm doing.
I've never seen a handlebar mustache that big. Never mind.
And I'm spinning you in a chair and cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Sorry to interrupt, but have either of you seen a woman on the run? We're looking for Melissa Disguise. Now she's wanted in several states for, well, I can't really say at the moment, but have either of you seen this woman?
She's never been here before, but she sounds like a genius. Can I offer you a haircut after I help this gentleman, sir?
Sure, I'll just sit over here in the waiting area. Thank you.
Alright, it looks well I gotta say. It looks like no double bull cut I've ever asked for, but I've lost a lot of blood and so I'm feeling pretty woozy and I like the cut of your gym. Here's one dollar. That's American and you can keep the change.
Thank you so much. I hope to see you down at the five and dime for a soda pop sometime. Have a good day.
Walks three feet, falls down on the ground, stops moving.
Isn't the whole point of Catch Me If You Can that he's actually pulling off being these things? He's such a smart guy that he fakes it well enough?
But I think it turned out that it was all fake.
I think so. They said like a majority of it was fakes. And at one point he like pretends to be a doctor. So I don't think he was like that smart. I think he just like, I don't think he was actually like a doctor.
He also pretended to be a pilot. Yeah, he pretended to be a pilot and got away with it. And it's like, well, there's something going on there that he got away with it. Like how did he fly the plane?
I just watched that movie and he never flew the planes. He was always like riding standby. Like they would have like another pilot, like And the wings like waiting. But I watched that movie recently for the first time, thank you so much. And the craziest shit in that movie is when he becomes a doctor, because I'm like, surely this can't last. And it's like he was a doctor for two years. I was like, why? How is that allowed?
But Amy Adams had her breakout performance, so you can't be too mad at that movie.
I think we'd all agree that June Bugler's breakout performance, but whatever you say, Erin. Well speaking of cuts, we're going to cut this first 30 minutes and we're going to go straight into ads for the opening. So let's go to ads now.
This will be the first thing behind his ears.
Melissa, disguise, you're under arrest. I'm in so much trouble.
Hey everyone, this is Adal in JPC. Erin has been taken hostage by a pack of deer, a group of deer. JPC, what's the term?
I don't know if hostage is the term. I saw them drinking mimosas. I'm not an English scholar, so that could be the term. I don't want to go on a limb and say that it's not. Yeah.
But I saw Erin spit out some mimosas. So the deer have implied with their eyes that if we read this ad, they will let Erin go. We are here to tell you about HelloFresh. The holidays can be hectic, right Erin? But HelloFresh keeps things simple with recipes and ingredients that cut out grocery shopping and limit meal prep time so you can spend more deer time... Oh God. More deer time with your family during the festive season.
Do you think this is like a Chick-fil-A, like the cows thing with the deer in Hello Fresh? Is that what's going on? Where they're like eat more, you know, eat more chicken, like try to get people, the cows are trying to get people... I don't think a lot of people are eating venison. I don't think so either! So it's like, what could their game be? Anyway, speaking of games, we're about to head into the holiday season. Lots of games there. And as fall transitions to winter, there's nothing better than cozying up with a comforting, home-cooked meal. Recipes like chicken ramen and show-you-stop broth, turkey ragu gnocchi. I make it a no-brainer to skip on paying for takeout.
HelloFresh offers the flexibility you need to easily customize your order on the app within minutes, easily change your delivery day with your human fingers, food preferences, and plan size, or you can skip a week whenever you need. Say if your co-host gets taken hostage and you have to deal with that.
And I know that if Erin were here, she would tell you that the one pan smashed black bean tacos from Hello Fresh are great. The last time I saw Erin, Erin made me these. They had creamy slaw, pickled onion, and red pepper crema. We had a great night. She told me how she killed the king of the deer. It was one of my favorite memories, and most of that was because of how delicious that meal was.
Oh, I miss her so much. Well, Erin, if you're out there, please go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14 and use code HeyRiddle14 for up to 14 free meals and three free gifts. That's hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14.
Wow, 14 free meals and three free gifts. That is a collective bargain. And we know how important collective bargaining is. So hello fresh, do the right thing, and offer that collective bargain as much as you can.
14 meals, that's one for every deer. Did she piss off Santa?
Hey Adal. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I am absolutely swamped and I have been swamped for the past week. Yeah. Would you do me a solid? My cousin is in town. Would you just hang out with him for like a few minutes and just while I go run some manners, please?
You know what? Usually I'd stress about this, but today I won't. And I know when you say you're swamped, that means that you're rewatching Shrek 24 hours a day, which is fine. It's for a podcast. Yeah, I can hang out with your cousin. You know why? Why? Because my man, I took feels this morning. Usually I have anxiety. JPC, you know for me, Adal, hell is other people. Sure. Hell is specifically your cousin. But feels the premium CBD delivered directly to your doorstep gives me the calm and the stress-free outlook on life that I need to tackle the day and your cousin.
I'm not going to tackle your cousin. Please don't tackle my cousin. I'm glad that you're using Feels because it naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and sleeplessness. You just place a few drops under your tongue and you feel the difference within minutes.
And if you're like your cousin, possibly new to CBD, Feels offers a free CBD hotline to help guide your personal experience. Feels works naturally, much like your cousin works naturally. I believe he harvests soybeans. I don't know his whole thing. I feel like I know him better than you do. Fields works naturally to help you feel better. There's no hangover or addiction.
So you can start feeling better with Fields. Become a member today by going to fields.com slash riddle and you will get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's F-E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle R-I-D-D-L-E to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. Fields dot com slash riddle. Okay, I gotta bounce. Here's my cousin. Hey, it's me, CBD, JPC's cousin.
Oh, we're gonna get along just fine.
Alright, alright, alright.
Hey, we're back from break and I'm sorry. Let's do a million riddles in the second half. Let's go. This one is from Eggdog, who's sent in a riddle before. And this is a good riddle that made me laugh.
Wait. We have read a riddle from Eggdog before?
You're the egg now, dog. Thank you, Sean. RIP. Milk, milk, milk, milk. Milk, milk, milk. Is Eggdog one word or two?
Well, it's technically their handle.
Well, I mean, what is a name if not a handle, correct?
Shakespeare, huh? A rose by any other handle.
A rose by any other handle is still a rose. An egg by any other handle would smell the dog. Oh, hold on. JPC was, I think, oh shit, um, behind you is the teacher from Charlie Brown.
I'm sorry, that's my in-laws. Oh, I'm so sorry. What language is that? I want to say Greek.
This is JPC's stand-up from the 90s in case anyone was wondering.
King dies after finishing his meal. It was his friend's restaurant so the food wasn't poisoned. How?
How? Kings don't have friends. Yeah, in olden days they don't have restaurants.
That's actually probably true.
You're talking in like Robin Hood era times. There was restaurants. No, there was pubs and taverns and inns that serve food, but restaurants? I don't think so.
I mean, Adal, there are still- Not with that attitude.
There are still modern modern day kings. I mean, the, you know, there are countries that still have like royalty, right? There must be countries that still have a king.
I know England still has a queen. You and I walked at like 6 a.m. in Denmark. You and I walked through the royal palace of Denmark.
That's true. Not shit was going on. Did they have a king, right? Did Mark still have a king?
Oh yeah. And the guards at the royal palace, they looked like they did not give a shit. They weren't like the British ones where they are unfazed and they can't react to you. They were just like leaning on their guns like they didn't care. But they were kind of dressed like the British ones. A little bit. They had the big hats. It was like red and the big hats. Yeah.
Yeah. They must be related. They had little boxes to stand in too, which was very fun. Very cute. Like little toys.
Maybe we could have posed them.
Move their arms. I know the British ones don't move and you can go up there and pose and take pictures, but these guys would have, I felt like they would have been like, what the fuck are you doing? Get out of here. Stop.
Officially not my fault that we're not doing riddles. It wasn't the first half, but this conversation... The king died from eating at his friend's restaurant. After finishing his meal, it was his friend's restaurant so the food wasn't poisoned.
Is the king in question of Mr. Elvis Presley? Was his friend's restaurant a banana and peanut butter sandwich?
And did he die on the sh- Erin. Please finish the story.
I know what you're going to say, so no.
Why? Why do you know? How can you guess? Elvis died eating the banana sandwich, shitting on his toilet. And I don't get to say it on the podcast?
Right this way to our one seat in the restaurant, the shitter.
You're never going to get this.
I would love it if Elvis had a table at every restaurant that was his favorite restaurant to go to, which was just a toilet, like a toilet table.
Single stall table. Erin, now that you said we're never going to get this, I demand you never read the answer because JPC and I will get this. Erin, is this a king-sized candy bar?
No, but this is a joke. This is kind of like a wordplay joke.
Okay, read it one more time and I'm going to hyper focus on all the words.
A king dies after finishing his meal. It was his friend's restaurant, so the food wasn't poisoned. How?
How? I got a tiny throat. What? You know how a lot of royalty is inbred? Yeah. Which produces tiny throats. And this was, you know, he was trying to swallow his food and it just got stuck and he died.
I'm sorry sir, he's not going to make it. Your son has tiny throat.
I'm sorry your son has tiny throat, guilty feet, ain't got no rhythm.
So if it's a King's Friends restaurant, is that where the pun comes from? The King's Friend?
I would say the two parts that you should focus on in this order are after finishing his meal. That's the thing you can focus on. And then the fact that he was at his friend's restaurant.
Okay. After finishing his meal means he was done, done, done. Is that part of it?
No, I like what you're thinking of though. What's the way for a king to die in any context?
Is this like a Burger King Dairy Queen situation where it's like the Burger King has died after eating a Dairy Queen because they realized it's like this is not a grill and chill for beer or something?
Does this involve the guillotine?
No. Hark, what word do you have in the Burger Kingdom? The Burger King has fallen. The Dairy Queen will rise. When does a king die in any context? Think of all the times kings are sort of taken out.
In war. In war. Revolution?
No, it's sort of like at the end of something you go... At the end of their reign. Yeah, the end of their reigns. Whoa, weird. Yes, in chess.
The kings always die at the end of their reign. What? In chess. In chess. Okay. Is that the answer? He had indigestion. Chastron. Indigestion.
Okay, I'm mad. You said indigestion. When the answer is... Fuck you, I solved it. No you didn't! What do you say at the end of chess?
Oh, he had a lot of checkmate.
What do you say at the end of chess? The last 20 minutes were a complete waste.
The Queen's Gambit has ruined our hobbies. Now we play chess.
Okay. Hold on. He died because he said checkmate. But it's his friend's restaurant.
Adal Riddles. Riddles Adal. Sometimes they're jokes.
Checkmate. It's his friend's restaurant. He's calling him his mate. King's not always dead in checkmate. No. And why does he die after eating there? Oh, cause yeah. Cause King's don't die in checkmate.
What does it have to do with the friend's restaurant?
Erin. Well, he's calling him a mate. That's why it's friend's restaurant. Cause it's mate. Yeah.
Yeah. British for friend is mate.
Okay, I want to see a scene. Erin and Adal, you guys are going to be playing a game of... It's like Russian Roulette. You're playing like Russian Roulette, but it's chess. Okay, cool. So whatever that means to you. Okay.
Okay, so if I kill your king, you die for real?
Yep, that's it. So let's... Checkmate. What the... Oh my god. How did I... I left myself wide open. One move into Checkmate. I was about to say let's make this game last as long as possible.
Alright, we cut you. We cut you, Erin, eulogizing Adal at his funeral.
But most of all, he was bad at chess. The end.
Do we clap? And now the bishop shall speak. Of course, the bishop will be talking about all things diagonal. You know, like 45 degrees. Who are you? I'm the bishop. Oh, I'm sorry. Does the knight want to say something?
Are you sure? Any pawns in the house?
The Rook would like to say something. The Rook would like to say something. The Rook, please. Yes, okay. Let me just, hold on, let me get up here.
And ladies and gentlemen, this is the Rook of the Year, so please give a hearty applause. He's just broke his arm, but he can do whatever he does much faster.
Alright, excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me. Let me be way faster if I just cut sideways through this, okay? Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Well, fuck.
I'm sorry, real quick, can everyone get out of his way and who keeps moving their horse three spaces forward and one to the left? That's super annoying. Please stop moving your horse in that manner.
Okay, I'm stuck behind this guy. It looks like he's trying to trade in like an old radio for cash. Can someone help this guy? Oh, the pawn? I don't know. I don't know what he's doing.
I'm sorry. Queen, can you have a seat? Queen, you are moving all over the fucking place.
You can't just do whatever you want. You can't do whatever you want because you're bored. Yes I can. I can go wherever I want in this place. I can go this way, or this way, this way, or this way. Check mate. I'm sorry I made the queen drunk, but it just felt right. Here is a riddle from Jeremy. Jeremy says, you read my pizza roll riddle in episode 162. We'll have to take your word for it, Jeremy. I know I speak for all of us when we say we don't remember what happened before just now.
Jeremy, that was 10 episodes again. 10 episodes ago. There's no way that we can remember that.
Jeremy sent in riddles today.
So this is what Jeremy has to say. When is 61 more than 100? When is 61 more than 100? When is 61 more than 100?
Interesting. I mean, that's just more numbers. Erin, are we allowed to add more numbers?
It's a great year. Bay of Pigs, right? Huh?
When did that happen? If it was 61, I'll be really impressed.
Cruz, Jeff, Kennedy, someone get this Bay of Pigs! Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team. David Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Bay of Pigs. Bay of Pigs. Daniel Day of Pigs, Lewis.
Bitch! Holy shit! Hold on. Erin, I'm willing to admit that's maybe the most impressive thing I've seen another human do on this planet. But now, to cement your legacy, Erin, doing the most impressive thing I've ever seen anyone do ever,
Hey Adal, I hope you're not about to take the wind right out of my sails.
I need you to explain in one minute what the Bay of Pigs invasion was.
What did I say? What did I say? Adal about taking the wind out of my sails.
I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. It was in Cuba in 1961 and it was John F. Kennedy and it was a bomb went off.
What do you know about Bay of Pigs? A beach?
I want to see if it was on a beach. I want to see if you see it. Erin, you are a sixth grader. You're doing your report on the Bay of Pigs in JPC's class and you absolutely clearly did not study or prepare and you're trying to improvise it on the spot.
Come on, everyone. Calm down. Calm down. All right. Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. Please. And you are up for your Bay of Pigs presentation whenever you are ready.
Fellow classmates, teacher, thank you so much for being here today. I know that it is sometimes boring to listen to students talk about their projects, but I really appreciate your enthusiasm. And thank you so much to the teacher. Can we give the teacher a round of applause? Thank you for being so good about quieting down the other students.
And please, thank you so much, I appreciate it. Whenever you're ready, just the Bay of Pigs.
The Bay of Pigs happened in 1961.
Wow, she seems so pleased with that part.
John F. Kennedy was present at the time. I'm so sorry.
Carl? Yeah? One more outburst out here. You want one more? Sure. No, no, I'm saying- Fucking tits. Oh. Principal's office. Principal's office. Go. PRI. No, don't spell it. Walk it. Walk to the principal's office now. I'm done dealing with you. Okay.
It was the height of the Cold War and John F. Kennedy was president. The Bay of Pigs didn't go well. Something was wrong. It was in Cuba and something went wrong. It is a part of John F. Kennedy's legacy, which Honestly, if he had been president longer, it might have been a smaller footnote, but it was actually a pretty big deal. It was a real big part of the Cold War. It was Fidel Castro.
Again, these are- I have 20 more minutes.
No, it's fine again. Again, I told you guys, these are graded on effort. Anne, it looks like you put in a ton of effort into it. You learned some dates. You said John F. Kennedy a couple times. That's perfect. You said Bay of Pigs.
Thank you so much. Communism? Yep, all in the correct era. I could have used you saying CIA.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much. Okay, Carl, you're back from the principal's office?
Yes, and I just want to apologize.
Okay, I... apology accepted, Carl. Let's just keep those outbursts to a minimum. You're up, okay? Carl, your project was on how babies are made. Everybody got to pick their project. Uh-huh. Alright Carl, I can't get what you hear about it. How babies are made from Carl, everybody.
Yes, I just want to take some time to say thank you to the teacher and all the students for their enthusiasm. Thank you.
Hey guys, we don't have to do the thank yous.
Yes, Anne, you're doing great. We just got to get to the projects.
When two people love each other very much, what they'll inevitably do is buy some Vlasic pickles. Now, when the Vlasic pickles run out, the stork at Vlasic doesn't have a job. So what the stork does is it goes to its little underground lab.
Okay, and you've already gotten the grade. You got the A. You're doing a great job.
Can I just say, teacher, it's so sad to hear that all those pigs drowned. Carl. A whole bay of pigs? Principal's office. P-R-I-N-C. Can he do it? Wait, you want to make Kenny do it? You want to make Kenny do it? Kenny. Can you do it? Kenny. Can he do it? Kenny do it.
Yeah, I don't mind doing it. Which spelling of principal? Like the principal, like the principal's office. Did you say like a principal office? No Kenny, you know I didn't say that. I said like the principal's office. P-R-I.
The Bay of Pigs was a failed landing operation on the southwestern coast of Cuba in 1961 by Cuban exiles who opposed Fidel Castro's Cuban revolution.
Teacher, she's reading from her phone. Can I do that for my report on babies? How would you read from a phone?
It's 1991. I have a calculator watch. In my mind, it was 1991 in that. It was 1991. It was never said, but if it was that in your head, then you're correct too. Hold on, hold on. I think it was 1991 in that scene. Let me just, let me just Google what year was it in that scene. What's it say? What's it say? Holy shit. Suck my ass. 1991. In my notes app, 1991. Wow.
Holy crumbs. Holy shit. In real life, when we used to do world news and stuff, a lot of times you enter a scene, you might start whisking in a bowl, or you might start typing on a computer, and then JPC enters the scene, and you might start an initiation that goes something like, Hey Greg, how was your weekend? And JBC would immediately stop and go, my name's not Greg, it's Jim. And I'd be like, oh I'm sorry.
And then you get off stage and he goes, sorry man, my name was Jim in my head so you should have picked up on that. And it was just a great lesson.
So I would say my name is Jim, even though I said my name wasn't Jim. So I would say like, you're right, you did get my name, but I wanted you to like think of a different name. No, no, no. I would call you Greg, and then you'd say... Mind games.
Five minutes ago, I had the confidence of a hundred tons. Yes, sons. Entitled sons. Who had a lot of confidence. And then, and I was, I played a little thing in my brain where I was like, I'm gonna go on Jeopardy. I'm gonna be famous for my brains. And then, two guys just dash, dash, dash my dreams. They made fun of me. They said I was reading it off of my phone. Well, you were? No! Just at the end!
Just at the end. Hey, I just happened to be texting someone while reading an exact Wikipedia of Bay of Pigs.
What happened at the Bay of Pigs? And what was its legacy?
John F. Kennedy went to Cuba because he got a Cuban sandwich and the ham tasted weird. He corralled all the pigs into a bay and drowned them. And Fidel Castro came and said, you can't do that. And JFK said, this is international waters. And he watches all the pigs drowned.
History is written by the winners.
The CIA tried to start a war with Cuba by arming a bunch of quote unquote Cuban expat dissidents and then sending them over.
Wait, hold on, expats like Tom Brady?
Minnie Bothans died. We can all agree on that. Minnie Bothans died.
Wait, Minnie Bothans? Oh no.
Oh, a spoonful of sugar, help some medicine.
Is there a gas leak in all of our houses right now? Are we experiencing a collective gas leak?
Hold on. Oh, it's on the Zoom. It's on the Zoom. Hold on one second. One second. Casey, can you fix this gas leak? Oh my God. There is a gas leak on the Zoom. Okay, Casey changed his name, but gas leak.
Okay, here's, I, I, this is, I, okay. You know when you're driving and then you don't know how you got somewhere? You're like, I just drove for 40 minutes and I wasn't so disassociated. You go like, I don't even remember doing that.
I was just... Wait, this person was in a car accident?
I wasn't driving, okay? But that's how I feel in this episode where I go, were we just recording? I forgot to be alert and in my body. Okay, I'm so sorry everybody. When is 61 more than 100? This one still? Yeah.
1 in 69 probably. Is it something like, well yeah, 1 in 7, 8, 9? Does it have anything to do with 69? I think Adal's correct.
No. It has nothing to do with 69.
Okay, is this like a, is this a conversion thing? Is it like 61 fuck?
That's smart, but that's not it.
More than 100. Is it like when it comes to like the number of letters in the name of it or something?
No. This is a really great riddle. This is like one of my favorites that we've had in a long time.
Is it? So well done, Jeremy. Is it when it's a vintage bottle of Chateau Bordeaux?
Well, I mean, real quick, I do want to see a scene. So, Erin, you and I are at a wine tasting. Adal, you are going to be uncorking these wines and pouring it for us, but you don't really know much about wine and the names that you're making up. You're just trying to get through them and say they've been French. Great.
Uh, so we just want some like not too expensive wine at our wedding, just something that we know people will enjoy. We're not really wine people, so we're just so excited to hear your recommendation.
Yeah, but we don't want it to be cheap. I know she didn't say cheap, but like we want it to be good wine, but like we, you know, we don't know why.
Of course, of course. I think I know exactly what you're going for. And also, ma'am, if I may say, nobody enjoys wine until they taste it. So let's pop open this first bottle. This is a screw top. Oh, okay.
You can just drink from the bottle. And I think you'll find notes of frog. You'll also find notes of piano and notes of grandma. So, um, swish that around in your mouth.
This is a bottle of Flemignon.
And what's the year on this?
Oh, okay, so that what you described and you just handed me the bottle. That's a pass for me I don't I think that we maybe we make because that doesn't Pass in a good way. No, that sounds like like We want a little more upscale than that.
I think we came in too hot with like the cheap stuff We want a little more expensive than that Of course. Well, let me... Okay, let's dump that in the trash. Let me grab this one. This is a very small bottle, as you can see. It almost looks like a cologne bottle, but I promise you it was not where I kept my curved cologne. Okay, so this is... Here you, sir, you start with it first. You're going to taste notes of Billy Joel.
I gotta say... Bottle of red... Bottle of white... Sorry, let me turn down my radio.
I gotta say, this smells a lot like cologne.
Oh, wow. Yeah, it really does.
I think it smells so much like cologne that I think I don't want to drink this. I think I don't even want to try this.
Well, let me tell you the label. Sir, this is a 2004 Gazooks. So it should be... I don't know why you're tasting cologne. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
We're doing a bad job. This is not your fault. This is our fault. We just want something that's pretty middle of the road, like a good wine that's not too cheap, but like everyone, it's like a safe bet. Just like a regular Chardonnay. Your run-of-the-mill Pinot Grigio. Something just standard.
On the way home, we don't want anyone talking about the wine. Because it's not good or bad, it's just like it was the wine. Yeah, it's just like wine.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So, I've given you some wine, I've given you some wine that does not seem to appease your palate. How about a rose? Here's a yellow one. This is a nice yellow. This is a 2011 piss. So I pour some here. Forgive that there's a lack of bubbles here. It's also going to be quite cold.
Ooh, it's really warm. My wife runs cold.
And that's what you call an improv slam. The two opposing ideas coming at each other at 100 miles an hour. Oh, brother. Here's your final hint for this riddle.
And this is a riddle that, or a hint that Jeremy wrote.
Which is, this was written by the same guy who wrote the pizza roll one from weeks ago, and he sticks to a theme.
Yeah, Jeremy, we begin this, we begin this shit saying we didn't fucking remember the pizza roll one. Wait, no, the pizza roll one was he took, it was like a, he microwaves it for like one second less.
So what, you just said the word. You used a word that's very important here.
Yes, that's what it is. A microwave. The reason being that if you type in 61 seconds and press start, it will go for 61 seconds. If you type in 100, it runs for one minute, 60 seconds.
Oh, so it was a conversion thing.
Oh, okay, good, good, good.
I should have let you finish your answer because then maybe I would have agreed.
Yeah, no, in my mind, I was like doing like miles to kilometers or something like that. But yes, time, time, my friends.
I have, and this is the joke, 15 more riddles prepared. For this episode.
Can you do them all at once? Like, can you mash them up into one riddle that we can do in the next two minutes?
Yeah. Let's see. Yeah, that's a reasonable request.
Aaron treated that like it was a reasonable request. I'm sorry, that riddle was Shadowbike?
That's Gandalf's spike, right?
This is Shadow Motorcycle. This is Shadow Condo.
Look for me on the ninth day when the morning sun is at its peak and I'll be doing some fucking sweet skids and like button ollie
I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are Gandalf, and you are at a wizard convention, and you happen to sit next to a one JP Riddles, who's there for some reason. Maybe that's enough like a wizard that they let him in.
Who's there for some reason? Okay, I love it.
Excuse me friend, is this seat taken?
Yes, he can't be taken unless someone is allowed to take the seats and I tried. Trust me, all of these seats are bolted down, so no one's taking these seats.
Very good, thank you. I need to rest my ancient bones. Now, can I ask? Of course, this is Wizard World, which at Rosemont Convention Center is... Are you a wizard yourself?
Well, I'm a bit of a wizard, and I guess it depends on what you call spells. Most of my spells are recipes, and most of my recipes are ways to prepare squirrel. If I could ever catch one of those wily little bastards. You're... you strike me as a wizard type though, yeah? Mm-hmm. A big hat, big beard?
Yes, I am a wizard. I had some tickets for my friends to join me, but they decided to- CHICKETS! Some tickets.
Oh, we can fry those up, eat them, have a nice little meal.
Ooh, yes, I would love some ticket cacciatore. I told my friends to take a flight. They decided on Amtrak and I said, fly, you fools, it'll be much faster. But they got stuck on a train, so I'm here alone and I'm looking to make friends.
Ooh, I've been stuck in a train before. That was one confusing year of my life. But what doesn't kill us only makes us more like a train.
Kick flip, Ollie. What's up? I'm Pretzel. Jesus. Whoa. Did we take our sesame seeds?
What's this guy's deal? He seems cool.
I'm the snack guy. And I've died for your sins.
You know, Jesus and Gandalf have a lot in common. They both died and came back better than before, dressed in white.
Did Jesus come back better than before?
He didn't stay around long enough for anyone to know, but the guess is that he would have.
I think I've said this like 50 times before, I'm gonna say it one more time. My favorite part in any movie is when they see Gandalf, I think it's in the second movie after Gandalf fell to his death, and they see Gandalf in the woods and they're like, Gandalf, and he's like, Gandalf? I don't know Gandalf. And he's like, I am Gandalf the White. I was like, yes, the same fucking name. Like, what are you doing? I hate that. I hate that part. Gandalf the Grey? Who the fuck is Gandalf the Grey? Oh, P.S. My name's Gandalf the White.
It's like, oh, are you Anthony Keetus? Anthony Keetus. No, that's a dumb name. My name is Anthony Keetus Jr.
Well, this has been a nightmare, but this is my floor and so I'm gonna get off here. Anything to plug before I get off?
Yeah, I have something to plug. Why don't you check out Hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon. We have a new Patreon. It's patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Also, Magic Tavern season 4 has started and we have a lot of cool guests, including we just had Anthony and Beth May from Dungeons and Daddies on, which was a goddamn delight.
Anthony was not pleased with his performance on that. That's one of the things he talked to me about on Friday.
He was great. I think he just heard himself.
And then... He was like, I picked such a complicated character and then I was like, Erin was just a mouse. I could have been something like a mouse.
I think he was insulting you.
No, I picked a great character and everyone knows it.
Agreed. And then speaking of wrestling, in season four, I think maybe by the time this comes out or next week, we have a very big wrestler on that he was amazing. I think he might be the champion of WWE right now. I don't watch WWE, but I think he might be the champion, have the belt. So check that out.
You didn't give him a Google before you had him on the show?
Couldn't have googled. Do you not remember his name? I remember his name. I don't want to say in case it hasn't come out and I don't want Arnie and Matt to yell at me.
Yeah, I'm sure you kept it vague enough that they won't be able to see us.
Well, I'll give a little hint for our listeners. I'll give a little tasty treat. He has his own cereal. That should be helpful. JPC, anything you'd like? Captain Crunch.
He had Captain Crunch on the show? Wow. Uh, yeah, you can follow me over on Twitter at jpsofly or follow me on Twitch and Instagram at sharkbarkman. Erin, anything that you would like to plug?
Um, I have nothing. Oh, Erin. Uh, plug, hug in your friends. That's what I'm plugging. Hug your, hug your friends.
Well, of course get consent.
What about your family? We're just leaving them out in the cold?
Hug your family unless they're shitty. Cut shitty family members out. That's what I'm plugging. If someone is a true toxic person, you really don't owe them anything.
I'd like to change my plug to cut shitty family members out as well. Hold on. Erin, I'm sorry to call you out on air. This sounds directed exactly at Mitch.
No, Mitch has been very funny over the family group texts. I can't cut him out. He's been making me laugh out loud.
He also made the group text, so good luck getting him out of there.
I feel like for the first 25 episodes of this podcast, Mitch was a main character, and I feel like he's been written off the show, so I need to bring him back.
I feel like on my deathbed I'm going to die with such useless information in my head as I know that Mitch made the family group text and people are going to be like, why would that be valuable to you or to anyone? I say it's not. It wouldn't be and it's not.
Something as useless as what year the Bay of Pigs happened.
Erin, I do know that during the Bay of Pigs there's a lot of astrological happenings going on and a certain planet was in retrograde. I don't know if you know this, but that's what made JFK make the decisions that he made. Do you know what planet was in retrograde?
I'm not googling it. I'm texting someone. Can you say it in a JFA accent? Jupiter, goodbye.
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