Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Terror falls across the land. Hashtag Whittle Wednesday is close at hand, as improvisers and workforce cats will terrify y'alls podcast apps. And whosoever shalt dare try to lampoon Erin's closet eyes must sit through Adal's puns and barbs as GPC steals their magic cards. The foulest noise is in the air, the groans of 40,000 listeners, as the solution to each riddle ask ends up being such fucking trash. For though the puzzies' posts seem fine, the answers will be shitting. For no mere mortal shall resist the evil of these riddies. I'm very tired, play the theme.

Although there were small things, it was the carrying in the woods. He stabbed him with an ankle, the works, and the horses sank dead.

1, 2, 3, 4, and Riddle Riddle.

Hey Casey, can we hold off on this episode? I'm just not feeling it. What's wrong, man? Well, this is embarrassing to say. Are we good enough friends that I can tell you something and you keep it secret? Yeah man, it's just awesome in the meeting. Go ahead. I'm just a little bummed because Dracula is dating my mom. Dracula's dating your mom, you said? Dracula's dating my mom. You don't need to say it back to me. It's hard enough to live it. Yeah, okay. Hold on. Here they come. Hold on. Hold on. Your mom, Dracula. Here they come.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, how are you doing?

Hey, Dracula.

Hello, Adal. Have you washed? Have you bathed?

Mom, I'm 39 years old. Well, you smell it.

Adal, do you want to go outside and throw a ball back and forth?

Well, I'd love to throw a ball, but earlier you asked me to throw a bat back and forth, which is weird.

Which was me! I was the bat! Boo!

I just got a text from Sadia. She's in a new movie. Oh. Adal, isn't that great?

You must be so proud. I'm so proud. So he is in a new movie. You must be so proud of one of your children.

Um... I'm proud too. I'm a part of this now.

Well, you're just dating my mom.

I'm here.

No, that's not how that works.

Well, actually- We're blood now! Bleh!

Actually, Adal, it is how it works. Dracula and I have decided that it's time- I don't, mom. That we- No. Make this official and- No. We get married and Dracula has graciously offered to adopt you.

I don't- I don't want that. How will we even sign the adoption papers because the courthouse is only open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. It's all on Zoom now. It's all on Zoom. It's all on Zoom now. Yeah. Fucking Dracula. I hate you. Okay. Dracula, I hate you.

I heard my feelings. Turns into a bat flies away.

Another one. This is Captain Crunch all over again, Adal.

You were dating Captain Crunch? I thought you guys just... Well, never mind. I don't want to talk about it. Well, I know you'd smacks the frog. What?

Hey Adal, it's Erin. Am I late to recording? What's up?

Hey, no, Erin, I'm just, hey, say hi to my mom.

Oh, hi Adal's mom.

Hello, Erin. I'll be here for the whole episode.

I saw a bat fly by my way in. I saw a bat fly by in the way in and I killed it.

Whoa, I saw a bat fly in as well. And I saw Erin smash the shit out of it. It's me, JPC. What's up, guys?

Oh hey, you guys just missed my mom. She must have run to go watch Outlander or whatever that show is she likes.

She's a complicated person, Riddle. Let's not reduce her to one TV show she likes, okay?

Hey, first of all, every mom likes Outlander. That's not like a unique mom trait for you.

I'm sorry, anyone who ever wants to be horny likes Outlander. I'll say it. I'll say it. If you want to be horny, if you like to be horny, in Scotland, you watch Outlander.

I'll be honest, I don't know a ton of moms. I have friends that are moms. I don't have an overwhelming number of moms in my life. Every single mom that I knows loves Outlander. They love Outlander. Turns out. Turns out.

Turns out. Well, I'm so glad that we have the crew all together. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience up top. I'm just going through some rough shit with regulating my mom. But I am Adal Rifai aka Count Puzula with me as always every Halloween as JPC aka David S. Puzzies, Erin Keif aka Spooky Sleepy Witch.

I would like to say Happy Anniversary to the biggest fight we've all ever had.

Was that when I gave a riddle and didn't give the answer?

It's our biggest fight. Happy University. What's the traditional gift that you give for the biggest fight?

Is this three years of that? I think so, yeah. No, this is Bleh Riddle Riddle number four.

No. Four. Yeah.

Yeah.

How?

No, don't fuck with me. 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021. Do not fuck with me, man.

Do not fuck with me, dude.

Holy crumbs. Erin, you bring up a great point, which is every year for our bleh riddle riddle Halloween spooktacular, I read a riddle at the end, which I don't give the answer to, but then I give the answer one year later so that the tension is completely broken and everyone forgets and people could care less.

Everyone forgets.

Everyone forgets. Someone watched that new Sopranos movie. Everyone's do-gots. Hey, forgets about it. Well, it is Halloween, so a gabagool is apropos. So, Erin, and JPC. Last year's riddle that we read at the very end was, why were there screams coming from the kitchen? I can't remember what you all guessed. It's been a year.

Do you want to give some... Let's see if I can guess the same guesses I guessed last year.

Okay. Why were there screams coming from the kitchen?

It was ice creams.

Oh, that's a good one. That is a great one.

I'd say that's a great one.

Ice creams?

If you're the president of Laffy Taffy, that's a good one.

Yeah. Well, the setup to this one makes me think it is a joke for kids because it's got the classic joke for kids. You know, one line, why were there screams coming from the kitchen? But it could also be one of these stories of holes things where we're supposed to ask a bunch of questions and like figure out that it was like, you know, the butler or whatever. I'll say same answer as Erin, ice cream.

Oh, nice.

Well, you're both wrong. Why were there screams coming from the kitchen? The chef was beating some eggs. That's dark.

Damn, I'm personifying these eggs and now I'm really disturbed.

Well, also because you could have said the chef was beating some flour, but eggs are baby chickens, right? They're kind of more alive than flour, right?

Eggs are baby chickens. Yeah, I want to hate this, but I can't. You're scientifically accurate.

Adal, this is fucked up. I don't know what it is about Halloween that you are inspired to get into a fight with me. I don't know what your problem is, man, but I'm angry.

I'm all fired up. Erin, Erin coming into the episode with a pretty aggro vibe. I personally, as one of the most aggressive people in the world, you love to see it. Erin, Erin, Erin, I have to ask you, I have to ask you, with such an agro vibe, what's going on? How's your week been? Is everything okay?

I put too much moisturizer in my hands, so I keep talking up my entire setup. But mostly I was okay. This fucking Halloween episode, man, it puts me on edge.

Erin, I might have a solution. I'm just thinking of this now. I might have a solution. Are you willing to try it out?

Yes.

Okay. So if you're on edge and you're feeling a little antsy, sometimes I get that too in Halloween, Halloween time in October. And what it is is Halloween is a time where we face our fears, right? Our fears are our nightmares walk the street and they don't want to walk the street. They come to our doorstep. They knock on our door. They come to our homes and we have to invite them in and face our face.

Are you telling me your biggest fear is an eight year old wearing a Power Rangers costume?

A hundred percent. I think so. Adal's using fears and kids interchangeably here. Erin, so you've met Greg.

Yeah. You're an amethyst.

Yes. That kid I fucking hate in my neighborhood. Greg, if you're listening, fuck you.

Greg, if you're listening, I wasn't aware that little kids were still being named Greg. That's great.

So Erin, what we're going to do is we're each going to mention our biggest fear and then collectively we're going to face those fears through scene work. So I can go first if you like. Something I recently realized when I was in, I was not too long ago, I was in France and we were staying in the countryside in an Airbnb and there was a like a fly tent over the bed, whatever you call that, like an insect tent that goes over the bed because the countryside and the windows have no screens. So we left the window open, we had this tent that we were sleeping in. In the middle of the night, I felt something crawl across my leg. I brush it away. I felt something, no. Greg's parents, no. Crawl across my leg. I felt something else crawl across my other leg, brush it away. I felt something crawl on my hand, brush it away. I felt something on my face, brush it away. I then turned on my light on my phone, which I had underneath the tent in my bed, and on the inside of the tent,

Wait, can JPC and I guess snake, cockroach, rodent?

Jellyfish. Worse. Never been to France. A French chef. Oh no. And he was putting butter in my mouth, as I said. Inside the tent was a spider the size of my hand. I looked up this spider later and it's called the giant country spider, or the giant house spider. It has giant in return. That's like something on a cracker barrel video. Giant country spider. But this spider, I tried to get out of the Hey Riddle It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced, and I now have a fear of spiders. Where I did not before, I am now terrified every night before I go to bed here at home, I have to check every nook and cranny. So, I'm afraid of spiders. Can you two help me in improv to face my fears?

Yeah, well first of all, of course that spider felt stronger. You protected it against sun camping. It was like, oh, I can go out in the sun without any risk now. Thank you so much, sir.

Also, you're like, the way that you were like, we tried to kill it. We sprayed it with suntan lotion. It's like, she'd be like, yeah, somebody broke into my house and I tried to fight them off. I tore all their fingernails off. And it's like, no, no, no. What you did was you tortured them. You weren't trying to kill them. You were, you were doing things that the Geneva convention does not allow you to do to people.

I tried to kill it. I dumped creatine on it. And bought it a month long pass to Sportfit. So can one of you two call for a scene where I face my fears and try and overcome my fear of spiders now? Just a quick scene.

OK, I would like to see a scene. So Adal, you're going to be playing you. Erin is going to be a spider who just woke you up in the middle of the night. Erin is a spider that can talk. And she just wants to tell you why it's good to have spiders in your house and negotiate a peace between the two of you that allows her to do what she wants to do. Great.

Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.

Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.

Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Hi. My name is Libby. I'm a spider. I'm like six, seven days old. I live here and I just am like, I don't know. I just, I would, now that we're roommates, I thought I could maybe ask you a favor.

Oh, well Libby, a few things. One, it's nice to meet you. Two, you don't live here. I live here. Unless you pay rent and bills that I'm on.

Why are you holding your shoe?

Oh, I was going, um, I was going to crush. I was going to get a, I was going to get a crush. No, no, no.

Yeah. I wouldn't kill me if I were you.

Why is that?

Cause I can see bugs that are much smaller than me that are much deadlier than me, you know, and I'm killing those bugs. So yeah, I'm big, but I'm not the scariest thing living in your house.

Gotcha. See, I'm not afraid of those bugs. Like the little bugs that live on my eyebrows or whatever, I could give a shit about that.

Are you sure? Are you sure? When was the last time you Google imaged that? Are you sure you don't give a shit of it?

Give me one second. Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere. Let me Google image. Oh, fuck me. That's on me.

That's on my face. That's on you right now. And you're in your eyelashes and some in your mouth. So I'm not so scary, am I?

Do they usually live in my mouth or you put them in there?

I heard that I swallow six to eight of you a year. Okay.

Yeah, I guess if you're kind of a bouncer, that's kind of fun. See, my thing is, I know that you eat smaller bugs, but I'm not afraid of smaller bugs. I'm afraid of you. So that would be like, if there's a lion in my house and it's like, but I kill rabbits and I'm like, I'm not scared of rabbits. I'm scared of a lion. Right? Does that mean, is that a one-to-one?

Yeah, that makes sense. Picks up shoes about to swat you.

What are you doing with that shoe?

Crush. I'm going to crush you.

Do you feel better Adal? I feel much better. Erin or JPC do either of you want to admit one of your biggest fears and we can tackle that?

I was trying to, your spider story, I was working out the other day and I saw there was a spider in the corner of the room and I'm fine with spiders. They're good. I like spiders. But it was in the corner of the room and I was on the floor working out and it was like, it was about the size of my thumbnail. So it was like big. It was not a small spider, but it wasn't huge. It just started crawling towards me. So I just like flicked it away like to the other end of the room and then I was working out some more and it started to crawl towards me. And I was like, buddy, I love you, but you're forcing my hand here. I flicked it away. And the third time, it was crawling directly towards me again. I'm like, first of all, getting flicked has to suck. So I don't know what you're doing. I had to kill it. I was like, this guy is fucking insane. He won't stop until one of us is dead and I had to smash him.

He was just trying to spot you to keep you safe. This guy's lifting way too much weight. I'm going to help him out. I don't care. I'm not going to rest easy tonight knowing I let this guy get crushed.

It was body weight, so fuck off Spider-Man.

Exactly.

He was scared. From that story, it sounds like you have a fear of not being fit.

No reason to fear what will ever be. Erin, do you have something? Do you have anything that strikes you as a different fear?

I'm scared of being responsible for someone else's death. Is that too serious?

Yeah, no, let's see a scene. Erin, you are in the afterlife. You run into JPC, who you either know or find out in this conversation that you were actually responsible for his passing.

Whoa! Holy shit! Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Sharon Beef.

So close. Erin Keif. Erin Keif. Yeah, we did a podcast for three years, maybe four? I don't know.

It was just over four. I think we made it to the fourth Halloween episode that was just over that.

Oh my God, you're dead.

Well, I'm here.

I gotta tell you, I am happy for you that you made it to heaven. That's very cool, man.

And I am so happy that you think this is heaven. Hey, just wanted to let you know, walking around up here, between you and me, it is truly no hard feelings. I don't even care again. I don't even remember you. I've been having my whole shit up here and it's been wonderful. I do not blame you and I do not hold it against you.

Just to, yeah, make sure we're on the same page here. Are you referring to... I'm a dummy, so are you talking about... Oh, I'm just talking about the day I died. Oh, you remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were having a picnic and I said, hey will you toss me a Gatorade and you tossed a Gatorade off the cliff and I went for it and I fell off the cliff and you know, broke every bone in my body and died at the bottom of the cliff and then you decided no one saw it so you weren't going to say anything and then there was that whole search and rescue thing that happened and it was very traumatic for my, you know, my family and for Ryan and everybody and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just want to say no hard feelings.

And yeah, and I mean, full disclosure, and you'll get this, I had really just died on the hill that I had great aim. I really had recently said, I have incredible aim.

Uh-huh.

Hey, one of us actually did die on the hill. See, just tell me. Erin, you cannot feel responsible for that. That character deserved it.

That character?

Hold on. That's your friend. That's a me, a Mario. Do you feel better, Erin?

Uh, yes.

Thank you.

JBC and I are in something that looks like heaven and it's not quite.

JBC, you once told me that you have no fears, but if you had to conjure one up or make one up, what would be your biggest fear?

First of all, I told you in confidence that I had a no fear t-shirt that I still wore to bed.

It said if you can't get out of the kitchen, get on the porch with the big dogs, which made no sense.

And it had Marvin the Martian smoking a blunt on it. But yeah, it didn't make sense.

And pissing on a Calvin?

Pissing on a Calvin.

It's a cool shirt. Actually, that's... Wait a minute. Sorry, pissing on a Calvin Klein logo being worn by Calvin.

Being worn by a Ford truck. That'll be in the store in the next week and a half, so just keep looking for it. Hey Riddle.com slash merch. Just search the word busy and I should pop up, yeah. JBC, what is your fear? That's a good question. I think that one of my big fears and it's like one of those things that's not There are some fears that are like, oh yeah, this is something that I would encounter every day in my life and it's like terrifying, like driving a car and like just being absolutely, you know, T-boned or demolished while you're driving a car, something like that. But there's an actual fear that I have that really only gets kind of like brought up if I'm consuming media and that's like being trapped in a place. So like either being like in an elevator that like won't close or what was that movie like 127 hours where the guy gets his like arm trapped in a boulder? 127 Dalmatians. That's it.

127 dresses, shoes, and all those weddings.

All those puppies and dresses are piled on that guy's arm. Just something like that. Something like being like just trapped, physically trapped is no bueno for me.

Well buddy, then I don't know if you want to get married.

I don't mind being emotionally trapped. So we're going to see a scene. JPC, Erin, you are walking through a graveyard and JPC, you are in an unmarked plot of land buried in a casket alive. Okay. And Erin, you can hear him through the ground and JPC, you can hear Erin on the surface talking back to you and you're going to have a little conversation.

One little, two little, three little graves comes four little, five little, six little graves. Hello?

No, please, please, hold up. Please don't. No, don't be scared. Well, be scared. Hi. I'm not dead. I am buried alive under in this in the ground.

Oh my god. Am I on what would you do? Truly. Am I in the hit television show? What would you do?

I don't know the show. What's the premise?

Something crazy happens in a public space and then they film you and then the whole thing is like, what would you do if you were in this situation? Would you step in and help or would you just walk away? And now I'm asking myself the question, what would I do?

It's not that. It's not the show. It's just a real life weird situation. Honestly, there's a story why I'm in here. I don't want to get into it. It's boring. Not boring, it's enthralling, but it's I'm trapped.

Right.

Underground. Sure. Do you know what the Wi-Fi password is for the graveyard? Oh, um, try Bones with a capital B. Okay, if you don't know that's fun, but I'm not gonna try Bones with a capital B. Just try.

And then I guess my next guess would be... Not it. That's not it. Um, ghosts. 6-9-6-9. You work here at the graveyard or?

Ma'am, sorry to interrupt you. I'm my name and you're on What Would You Do?

I knew it!

Now, do you feel like you did what you should have done?

Yes. I tried my best to guess the Wi-Fi password for this man.

That is correct.

What was it by the way?

Oh, well, the answer for the wifi was dead with capital E. That's insane.

But that works. That's it. That works. Okay. I'm going to finish squid game. Nope. I'm fine.

I'm good. Let's see. JBC, at the beginning of that scene, did you say your name was Barry alive? Sure. Well, should we do some spooky riddles?

Yeah, I love that idea.

I think we must. I think we must. Here we're going to do a little warm-up riddle. Now this might be the easiest riddle we've ever had, but keep in mind, if we would have done this riddle on a non-October episode, you may not have gotten it so quickly, but I'm sure you'll plow through this one. So let's just do it as a warm-up riddle.

Excuses, excuses.

Here we go. Joe wearing a mask and carrying an empty sack leaves his house. An hour later he returns with a full sack. He goes into a room and turns out the light. What's going on?

He killed a man and he's bringing it back to his house.

That's it. He leaves his house with an empty sack and comes back with a full sack? Did he just... I mean I don't want to be vulgar but you said it's a Halloween episode. Did he jerk off, go for a walk, and then come back home?

Yeah, we're not trying to be vulgar.

He went to the sperm lake to have it repopulated.

He went there and they were like, no, it just comes back. No, I wouldn't withdraw.

I wouldn't withdraw. It'll just be there.

You can't do it. I don't think you know what a sperm bank is.

There's no ATM there, Adal. What have I been using my card for?

Okay, we're about to learn some terrible information about what Adal is.

Adal, is this a trick-or-treating child who comes home with a bag full of candy?

Bag full of candy? Yes, Joe is a kid who goes trick-or-treating for Halloween, returns, and goes to sleep. No kid comes back with a bag full of candy and goes to sleep. What they do is they dump out all the candy. Hold on. What they do is they dump out all the candy from their pillowcase. Then, they're going to sort it into two piles. The piles are chocolate and other. Once you have the piles of chocolate and other, you go into sub piles. You start to separate your Mr. Good bars, and your fun sized Snickers, and your Reese's. And you put some aside that you're going to wait and savor later, and you put some to the side because you're going to trade them with your sister for what you want. Because maybe she likes Hubba Bubba, or maybe she likes Airheads or Jolly Ranchers, which are trash candies, but some people like them.

Adal, this is the debate of the century because you're wrong. You're wrong, sir.

Well, Erin, I'm sorry. How was Adal wrong?

Thank you for asking, JPC. My time starts now. You get home. You go to a carpeted area, okay? You dump out your pillowcase so far. We're on the same page, okay? You do not sort chocolate and, like, fruity or other. You sort

Hold on, hold on. No, she had it. You can you will get a rebuttal after Erin is completed. Erin, proceed.

You sort it

Just to get our minds wrapped around, what do you think a mediocre candy is?

And then a shitty? Mediocre candy is going to be something like an unnamed brand gummy that looks rather fresh. I won't be explaining myself.

Okay, okay. And what's a shitty candy?

A shitty candy is like a coconut, like what's the coconut? Almond Joy? Almond Joy. Mounds? Mounds. Some shitty nonsense. Or like homemade shit that like the weird lady in your neighborhood made. Okay so then you have these like vertical lines of Hey Riddle. For the first couple days to shitty candy, you have enough good to bad candy for the next 10 days that it lasts you. And whatever you have left over, you put it in the little pumpkin, you put it in the top of your refrigerator for when you need a little something. I yield the rest of my time.

Adal, your rebuttal.

What I would like to say is that you don't put it in Ziploc bags. You don't bring it to school. When you bring it to school, all the kids are going to say, what's that? Some sort of candy? Might I try some candy? Because these little piggies put it in a trough at home and scarfed it all down night one. So you're not feeding the school. What are we, heating the neighborhood?

I object. Your honor. Bathroom candy, your honor. Bathroom stall alone, candy, your honor.

What you do is you separate into chocolate and other. Then you immediately eat all the M&Ms. You dump those into your mouth. The M&Ms are the best treat because it's a bag of candy that's full of tinier pieces of candy. Then you go into the other pile. You remove nerds, any of those mini boxes of nerds because those are top-notch candy. You remove any chuckles. If you got any chuckles, those are top-notch candy. You're honor. You remove any gummy worms or bears. Everything else goes in the trash. Now, you go back to your chocolate. And what you do is you hide pieces of chocolate. Sorry, step one.

Your honor, there are starbursts currently in the trash.

I stand my ground. And there they will remain. Adal, you still have the grass. Then you get extremely drunk. Yes, I know you're a child, but you get drunk. Then you go back to your chocolate. Hold on. You go back to your chocolate and you hide pieces all over the house.

In justice, your honor, it will melt. Your honor, please, justice.

I've lost control. I've lost control over the next five years. Holy shit. I went into my jeans and I found this. Amazing.

I am ready to issue my verdict.

No one wants a squished melted Milky Way, your honor.

I am ready to issue my verdict. And my verdict is you're both wrong. What you do is you've simply started far too late. You must start earlier. As you are trick or treating with your brothers, you will start to float the idea of when you get home, you will all dump your bags into the middle and make one big candy pile. You get the idea of one big candy pile. You get the idea of one big candy pile so Uh, fervently obsessed in your brother's heads that it's all they can think about. Now, once you have one big candy pile, someone must sort out the candy from the big pile. And that is where your genius truly comes into play because you're separating the candy into three piles. And maybe you see that there are four Reecey Cups. Well, certainly someone can't have, you know, one Reecey Cup left over. Someone must get two Reecey Cups. And who gets it? The man who sorts it.

Sir, how can you guarantee you are the sorter and not the victim of this terrible system?

You're only the victim if you allow yourself to be the victim. I'm the sorter because I'm the one who sorts. When you see somebody sorting, you see my fucking face and you say, please can I have a Reese's Cup, sir? And if I fucking deem to give you a Reese's Cup, then you'll get one. And if I don't, then you eat fucking nothing. You eat starbursts out of Adal's trash. You eat Erin's leftover 3D old mouth.

You created a candy mountain. I was born in one.

You both have garbage plans and I don't trust either of you with my life.

Garbage plans on my starburst? Oh boy.

Are you throwing a star- Adal, be honest with me, have you in your time on earth thrown a starburst in the trash?

I sure have. Let me be fully honest. This is no, I don't want to be hyperbolic, I don't want to lie. I'm going to be fully honest with you, Erin. I have thrown away so much trash candy in my life, I forget what I've thrown away. I 100% have thrown away yellow and orange Starburst.

Don't.

Those two can go to hell. And I'll see them there. I'll see them and eat them there. But on this mortal coil, I have no time or room to waste on yellow and orange Starburst.

You don't mean it.

I do.

You don't mean it.

And Erin, you know what? You're a yellow and orange starburst.

I want, I want, for my birthday, a full bowl of orange starburst.

Why would you want to ruin your birthday?

It's my favorite candy, whatever, JBC.

You'll be getting a full toilet bowl of Orange Starburst because you'll be puking them all up.

Oranges are meant to be juiced or they're meant to be infused inside a chocolate orange shaped device candy and then wrapped in tin foil. Those are the only two ways to consume orange. Aim into that. Those dark chocolate oranges are so fucking good. Those are incredible. Those are incredible. Erin, you've never had one, right?

No, you made me have one at one of our recordings. And yes, it was delicious.

Well, I made you add one. I think I bought you one as a treat.

Yeah, you bought me a gift. Same thing. I need a minute. I'm just going to put my cardigan on, go to... I'm going to stop buying Erin Gifs.

You mean those things that you force upon her? I'm going to stop buying Erin Gifs, because now when people see it, she'll be like, oh, what's that beautiful print from? And she'll be like, Adal forced this on me.

Adal made me go to a Broadway show with him. It was lovely. I cried.

Look, I think we can all admit that we may need some time to cool down that got pretty heated. Why don't we just take some time, listen to some advertisers, and we'll come back and attack this thing with really some fresh heads and some fresh perspective.

Weren't we in the middle of a riddle? Mom!

Yes, Adal? Are you still with Dracula? Right now. Dracula, can you take us to break?

Jesus. Jesus.

Hey, Erin J.P.C. It's me, Eddie Better, the lead singer of Furl Cram.

I love this. What's up, man?

I couldn't wait to hear what you were the lead singer of Eddie Better.

You know how in my songs I'm always singing about what interferes with your happiness or if there's something preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, with better help, they will assess all your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Can't find a better help.

Ah, yes, we love better help. Because it's not a crisis line, it's not self-help, it's professional counseling done securely online. You can send a message to your counselor anytime from anywhere in the world and you'll get a timely and thoughtful response. Plus, you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. I use BetterHelp, and it's so helpful for me. It makes way more sense for my brain to be able to just message my therapist while I'm having the thoughts I'm having.

Oh, I use it too. JPC, you want to guess the name of my therapist?

Why don't you just tell me any better? Jeremy. It's Jeremy, yeah. And does he speak to you? No. He does. He does. Sure. Any better. I'm having trouble understanding if you exist only inside of BetterHelp ads or if you're like a fully independent person outside of them. But all I know for sure is that they have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in things like depression, anger, anxiety, sleeping, and trauma. Anything that you share is confidential, convenient, professional, and affordable.

In fact, so many people have been using better help that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states. I want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle. That's betterhelp.com slash riddle. Join over 1 million fans of Eddie Better who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle. I didn't sing the last few because I know sometimes my voice gets warbly.

Yeah, you got gargly-mouthed any better and that's not the best for ad reads.

I knew I would love this.

I knew I would.

Oh, hello, Erin and JPC. It is me, Animated Cartoon Dad. We give at work. Huh?

We give at the office. You what? We give at the office, so no thank you.

Oh, no, I'm here to tell you. You see the hair on my head? Yes. I've been losing it for some time, but recently I've been taking keeps, and I've been able to keep what I have. Hmm, homie.

Oh, we? Oh, I see.

Okay, I get the cartoon that he's doing now. Sure. Where's the boy? So you're like two out of three men who will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35, right?

Mmm, 35.

Well, if I'm being honest, you should get Keeps because Keeps offers a simple, stress-free way to keep your hair. You conveniently meet with a virtual doctor, the medications are delivered straight to your door every three months, and you don't ever have to leave your home, which I guess I advise you don't spend too much time in the real world because you're a cartoon and that might mess with continuity or something.

That's true, and Keif's has more five-star reviews than any of its competitors. Ooh. But, cartoon character prevention is key. Treatments can take four to six months to see results, so act fast.

Ooh, and something good as well is that there's discrete packaging and proven results. Discrete packaging helps because of my stupid neighbor, who's so religious.

Don't go any more into that cartoon character whose name we probably shouldn't say. But if you are ready to take action and prevent hair loss, you can go to Keeps, that's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle, to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's Keeps dot com slash riddle, K-E-E-P-S, to get your first month free. Keeps dot com slash riddle.

Where's my son, Stewie?

Alright, now I'm getting really lost.

Yeah, what's the character? I can't believe that us three got left behind and that one grandpa got to go with Charlie to the factory. Can you believe that?

Yeah, that's very disappointing. He just popped right up. Although I'm not too mad about it.

Yeah, I don't hate having all this extra space in the old bed.

Yeah, well, I don't know if you noticed, but when you two went to the bathroom, I switched out our previous bed with a Helix sleep mattress.

Oh, I remember that. We went online and we took a quiz that just took two minutes to complete and matched our body type and our sleep preferences to the perfect mattress.

Yeah, so we're actually having a better time than that other grandpa at the factory because Helix is awesome. It was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired magazine.

And look, we know that every grandpa is unique, and Helix knows that too, so they have different mattress models to choose from. Soft, medium, firm mattresses, mattress is great for cooling down if you sleep hot, or for spinal alignments to prevent morning aches and pains, and even a Helix Plus mattress for plus-sized grandpas.

And I know this isn't really applicable to us, unfortunately, but they do have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for a hundred- What's that supposed to mean? Oh, that's bleak! What are you saying? I mean, I'm 117. How old are you? I'm 60.

I'm 700.

My apologies. My apologies and yikes. They have a 10 year warranty where you get to try out the mattress for 100 nights risk free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it or if you don't want to get out of bed for whatever reason but you will love it. Helix even has financing options and flexible payment plans so that if your grandson doesn't win a golden ticket you can still get one.

Look, in one of my other grandsons, this is the best way to do this, JPC has a Helix Twilight mattress, and he absolutely loves it. Best sleep of his life, so he tells me, just to be clear, this is a personal endorsement, but it's for my other grandson. You get it.

You're 16, you have a grandson? Yeah, sure, why not?

If you got left behind by a grandpa that you had been laying in a bed with for years and years and he decided to betray you by going to the factory, again he just popped up like it was nothing. You can go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Howdy dowdy for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle.

A good night's sleep is my golden ticket.

So, like I was saying, Erin and JPC, I, the devil, will grant you whatever you want as long as I get your soul.

You have a little something right here, devil.

Here?

Yeah, oh, other side.

It looks like sour cream.

Oh!

Oh, I had a, yes, I had a burrito.

A bird-ito? Is that just a burrito with a bird in it?

It's a bird inside Judge Edo and I ate it.

It's a bird inside Judge Ito.

Yes.

Judge Lance Ito.

Yeah, he's in hell. Is he dead? I don't know.

Then why is he in hell?

I'd have to google it. What do you two want in exchange for your souls? Now, JPC, you said something about a tank top.

No, that was for my soul. Oh. Like I want... Oh, for my soul in exchange. No, no, no. I thought you were saying, can't I get my soul a tank top? Oh. Just like a soul tank top to wear for my soul. I could do that.

Mr. Devil, you have something in your teeth. Like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Did I get it?

Yeah. Okay. Oh, and there's also something in your shirt.

Oh. What do you- What's that? Right up the nose! Woah! You got me, you got me. Alright, well that's what I wanted. Erin, now Erin, you said you want to be 50 feet taller. Really think about this.

Yeah, Erin, there might be some weird monkey spa thing here. So really think about it. Do you really want to be 50 feet taller?

Well, no, there's no monkey spa. I'm not going to trick you. 50 feet taller is just kind of bonkers. So really think about it. Your life would be very different.

Still, there might be a trick here, Erin, so be careful.

Yes.

Okay. There you go. You now have 52 feet.

Damn, she's tall. Wow.

Hey, what's your story? No, on her legs, she has 15 feet. They look great. I guess they are one on top of the other, so yeah, I guess she got very tall.

Turned into a bat and flies away.

I love checking in with the devil once a year on Halloween. It's always nice.

It's always nice. Well, I feel like he'll always check in and be like, are we still good for the soul thing? And you can kind of negotiate and be like, well, it's kind of like, you know, like contracts, like sports contracts.

Yeah, or like a mortgage. You have an option.

You have your player option. You have them. Yeah, you could readjust.

Adal.

Yes.

JPC. Yes. What are you being for Halloween this year?

Something squid game, something with a squid game, probably.

I mean, I think I say this every year, but I'll be an adult for Halloween, which means I don't dress up like a little fucking kid.

I'll be an adult for Halloween. I don't like things that are fun.

Damn, Erin's being JPC for Halloween. The thing that I don't love about Halloween is that my dog truly does not understand Halloween. So she doesn't understand why people will be coming up to the house, knocking on the door, or like talking on the porch, and she'll just freak out the whole time because she's a guard dog. So there's no way that I could be like, hey, for just this one night, Let's give everybody a pass. Let's just let the neighborhood be. Yeah, they're coming up in weird costumes that probably smell very different. Don't worry about that. Let's just be chill. So my Halloween will be spent, you know, making sure that my dog is not just like having the worst anxious night of her life. And that'll be fun.

Smelling the inside of any Halloween mask, it probably takes three months off your life. Oh yeah. Like those chemicals you smell? Just nasty stuff. Just the worst. Erin, did you say where you're going to be?

Not yet. Well, I'm a little bit bummed because I have been living in an apartment for so many years and this year I'm kind of in like a house apartment so I would have been able to hand out candy but I'm gonna be in Chicago. So I'm celebrating Halloween there and with my old roommate, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend, we're being the four grandparents from Willy Wonka because we want to sit in a bed the whole party. And one of us has to leave to go to a play rehearsal. And so he's going to be the grandpa that gets to go. So the three of us will just be sitting in a bed.

Charlie, Charlie. Pretty good. That's pretty good.

I finally hacked it. I've been asking her to do it for like seven years, that costume with me, and then she finally agreed right when I moved.

Do one of the grandpas in that movie be doing the washing, or is that someone else is doing like the washing in the big bucket?

Oh, that's the mom, or yeah, the mom.

He's the mom, yeah. Man, washing in that big bucket looks fun. Those clothes look so dirty. It looks like it's just getting dirtier in that big bucket.

I love those sort of washboard things that you clean on. I love doing that on field trips.

Very fun. I've only seen and heard those in M&O's Jug Band Christmas. I've never seen one in real life. I've never heard somebody play one. I've never seen someone use one. I've only seen it in M&O's Jug Band Christmas.

You're about to get a bunch of YouTube videos later when I'm wine drunk.

We had a, we had a place in Indiana called Connor Prairie and it was like an old timey thing where they had like character people like going around and doing shit like that and dressing in the old garb. Ooh, is it like Amish?

Connor Prairie sounds like a really funny fake name for a guy.

No, no, no, Connor, it was not an Amish community. It was like actors and stuff. It was like a, like a historic, like a reenactment. Yeah, that's Amish.

I love those places.

Hold on. You didn't know that the Amish were all actors? That's true. So Rumshringa is like contract negotiations? Exactly. That's like their sag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sag? No, I'm Rumshringa.

Can I give you guys away an idea I have for a sitcom for free?

Can I tell you guys what an idea is I have?

You can always give ideas away for free on this show.

Hold on, Erin. I'm gonna flip the switch. Okay, the listeners can't hear us. Go ahead.

Oh great, I love when you do that. Farts farts fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks

Yeah, I don't see that one, I believe you.

So I want to do a sitcom that I'm obsessed with those historical reenactment places. I think they're hilarious. I love how committed the staff members are there. So I want to do a sitcom like a workplace comedy that takes place at those sort of pilgrim reenactment places. And it interweaves between them in real life, the actors playing these people, and then their drama in character. If anyone wants to produce, contact Erin.

Um, I like the idea of like, cause I know they have to constantly stay in character. So it's like, if you take out your phone and you're in like an 1800s village or something, they'll be like, uh, sounds sir. What lantern is this? And I think it'd be fun to just be like, Hey dude. It's a fucking, it's a fucking iPhone 13, okay? We all know what it is.

Yeah, they get scandalized. My favorite, I told the story on the show so many times, but it's my favorite thing is when I took Sean to the one of those in Massachusetts and we were in a house alone with this woman who was like playing a young girl and you can ask them questions. And Sean was being super polite and was asking a ton of questions and he was like, hey, so when you get married, how much say do you get to have in who you marry or do the adults in your life decide? And this woman pretended to be so scandalized. Like she was like, I am much too young to think anything about marriage. And she was older than us, this actress. No. And I was like, you are 30. You are 30. He's asking a historical question. I'm interested in that as well. How much autonomy did these young girls have?

If you haven't listened to any previous episodes, Erin very much does not like the word 30. She is turning 30 in just a few weeks here. Would it be fun, would it be fun to like rent a house and turn it and do like one of those period like like you're saying like where you go back in time and it's like oh you're on a farm in in 1622 and here's how things went. Would it be fun to do that with a house and turn it into like 1994 and we all dress as like people in 1994 and we only know that those references and words. So it's a lot of like hey tubular cowabunga come on in. Okay hold on. Yes.

I will answer you in the parlance of 1994. Thank you. Yeah, that sounds like a really great idea, Adal. Not.

Hey JPC, I know you are, but what am I?

94, dear ass. As if. Damn, 94 doors to Dan, man.

You got got. I think we have to do this. Okay, speaking of we have to do this, why don't we do a few more riddles?

Yeah, why not? It's Halloween. Who fucking cares?

Okay, here we go. Here's our next riddle. What we caught, we threw away. We kept what we didn't catch. What was it that we kept?

Fish.

Not a bad, not a bad guess either of you, but what we caught, we threw away. We kept what we didn't catch. What was it that we kept?

You caught some little fucking fish that's like inedible so you threw that away but you kept the fucking memory of you and your dad on that boat.

I would like to see a scene. You are a father and son who are bonding but not catching any fish that are edible.

Hey Pops. Yeah boy. Look at this, look what I caught.

Oh. Isn't that beautiful? It is. It's a very pretty fish, son. But you got to throw it back. It's not something that we're necessarily going to be able to fry.

Oh. I mean, is there other ways to eat it besides frying?

It's not something that we can consume, son. So you're going to have to throw it back.

Can I kiss it?

Nope. You can't kiss it. You're going to have to just put it right back where you found it. And I got to ask you, Jeremy. Stop catching this fish, okay? This is a dead fish floating on the top of the lake.

Okay.

We keep throwing it back. You keep pulling it back into the boat. Well, you told me that.

Go ahead.

No, it's falling apart. This thing's falling apart. Let's just let it be where it needs to be and we're going to try to focus on catching some live fish that we can eat.

But Dad, if I may, you always told me that if you let something go and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. And every time I threw this fish in the water, it comes right back to the side of the boat. You pick it up and you grab it.

You grab it. So that saying is true, Jeremy. But you can't pick up and grab something, then it didn't come back to you. You forced it back to you.

Okay.

And honestly, Jeremy, that was more about romantic partners. Oh, is that? Yeah, that was a metaphor for just like, you know, romantic partners that you might find in your life.

So why can't you keep a fish, aka woman? You always say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you never seem to have a fish by your side or in your bed.

I guess I don't know what I want and it makes it hard for someone to want me. Does that make sense?

Not really, but maybe one day.

Yeah, I think it's more like I'm seeking a physical connection, but I'm frightened of the emotional connection.

Hey Dan. You know, again, you say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but again, you don't have any quote-unquote fish. Do you think there's something wrong with your rod?

I think that there's almost something too right with my rod. If anything, my rod is not something that you would buy off the shelf in a lot of stores. It's more like a special order item. And I think that a lot of people see it and they kind of don't They kind of don't know what to do with it. Like it's got that like weird flipper thing at the top where you put it up to spin to reverse and Hell, I feel like if I had a manual for my rod that I could just give to a person it would clear up a lot of things.

Can we go home?

Yeah, we should.

Yeah, it's probably time. This is a Halloween themed answer. Uh-ish.

In terms of the answers, something kind of gross and creepy. But it's not necessarily associated with Halloween, but it is gross and creepy. Got it. JBCI, sorry, I just want to say, I wish, I forget the guy's name, Little John, is that him? Yeah.

I wish I could hear that song, but it's all him going, yeah.

Just non-commit a little, John.

Yeah. Yeah.

To the window, to the wall. What we caught, we threw away. What we kept, we didn't catch. What was it that we kept? So this is, again, a creepy crawly thing. And this is something, Erin, we were talking about bugs on your eyebrows or in your mouth. This is not too far off from that. Maybe a little further north. Maybe a little further north.

Lice.

Yeah, that's it. What we caught, we threw away. We kept what we didn't catch. That is lice. That makes sense. That makes sense. Did either of you ever have lice?

Yes.

Lice, that's the one where you, is lice the same as scoliosis?

Yes.

Then yes, I've had lice.

Yeah, lice is where your spine is real weird. No, I never had lice, never had lice. You can kill it with lice all. Erin, what was it like to have lice?

Well so it was kind of stressful because I got scared that people would be mad at me but when I remember like putting my head down on my kitchen counter and my mom getting a comb and like going through my hair to check and see if I had lice and it was so relaxing that and then we like got rid of the lice you have to wash everything your house and I like couldn't go to school for a day. But it felt so good to have my mom comb through my hair that I'd be like, I'd lie for the rest of second and third grade and go like, hey, mom, I think I might have lice. And she was like, you don't have lice. You just want me to comb your hair. And I'm like, no, no, it's very, very itchy, mom. You should just double check because what if I actually do and then you'll feel really bad and I'll infect everyone at school. So I was just slamming my head down on the kitchen counter once a month and having my mom check for lice.

Hey Riddle.

A big to-do. But I love the attention.

What kind of dancing were you doing that Lice got on you? Like, was it ballroom or something?

It's called head dancing, where you push your head against someone else and then roll it around.

Alright, so Adal, you may not be familiar with this. It's called Little Kids Are Fucking Disgusting and they rub their dirty hands all over each other for no fucking reason.

So it's not like you walked in and they're blaring Willow Smith and you have to whip your hair back and forth and it just flies everywhere?

Um, my nieces went back to daycare after, like, being home during all the pandemic. And my sister was like, they've been sick the whole time. Not with the same sickness. They just get every single cold. They have no immune system. So they're just constantly sick.

So what your sister might have said is, ooh wah.

Yeah. 100%.

That was like this. Never had lice. My older brother had a tick that got on him when we were camping once. And that was, it was wild to see you have to get that tick out because they dig down into your skin. Like they get in there, those ticks. They don't want to come out.

Lou had a tick recently.

It's horrible. Don't you have to burn them off? You can like burn him off, freeze him off, or like cut him out basically. Yeah, there's there's like different different. I think he had to burn his out.

I think that I think also if you ignore them, they go away.

Yeah, I think so too, but like most things. I think he had to like heat a needle like burn a needle because we were camping and then like press the needle in to like get the tick to like going.

I want to see a scene. JPC, you were just in the forest on a camping trip with friends. You just came home. You're in the shower and you've realized that you have attached to you on your body a tick played by Erin. Okay Google, play Halo by Beyonce.

Perfect shower song. Exactly five minutes long. That's all the time I need to be up there.

Oh, I love this one. What the fuck? Hey Adal.

Hey Adal, real quick. Don't fuck with that Beyonce song.

Okay, I'm so sorry.

That's not it. And we respect that song.

I'm so sorry I bell out.

No, no, no worries.

Sorry, I wasn't going to say anything and this feels a little invasive now that you're in the shower, but I love this song. Hit me like a ray sun, roamin' in the dark is not.

It's the perfect, it's the perfect shower song because it has these ebbs and flows. So it's like, oh, the song is ending. I've probably been in the shower too long, but I have like another minute and a half so I can like finish, you know, like rids. What the fuck are you doing on my body?

Let me see your halo. Hello.

First of all, hey, you're off key.

I am? Oh my God, then help me out. I'm not trying to be.

Okay, well anyone who's going up against Beyonce is gonna be off key because you can't hit what she hits.

I feel like I am. Is this wrong? It's wrong because it's coming out of your little tick mouth and it's not coming out of a fucking queen's mouth.

That's why it's wrong.

You're being really mean. I'd say unnecessarily mean.

You're a bug. Wow.

Well, I'm looking at your muscles right now, and you're not that strong. And your blood? Disgusting.

First of all, this isn't even my good blood. This is my camping blood. Let me be home and eating my normal diet for two days, and then you'll taste good blood.

Yeah, you taste like s'mores, but like too much like s'mores.

How am I? Did you have any protein? They're called s'mores. You've got to keep having s'more of them.

Disgusting. It feels like it was mostly marshmallows too.

I was on vacation.

Bleh. That's not where I have my best self. No one is their best self camping.

Let me see your halo.

Same. Let's do another riddle here. This is going to be first person perspective. My wife was attacked by a burglar when I was on my way home from work. She stabbed him with a butcher knife and killed him. Nice. The detective said it was an obvious case of self-defense. When I next talked to her, she said, I heard the doorbell. I thought it was you, but then a masked man jumped out at me as soon as I opened the door. I said to her, you must have been so scared, but you're safe now. And I hugged her tightly. How did she kill the burglar so fast when he attacked her at the door?

Uh, she was planning on killing you, dude.

Obviously. She was planning on killing that husband. Ding, ding, ding. His wife came to the door with a butcher knife because she thought her husband was coming home. She was planning to kill her husband. I want to see a scene.

Good for her. This is not how women kill. They don't kill you with a butcher knife at the door. They do with a smile.

I think they do poison, right?

Women tend to poison and men tend to butcher. Women kill you by saying, I think you missed the turn. I think you missed the turn. Gemma.

I love the TikTok videos of things to say to straight men to devastate them. I don't know if you've seen those. I love those though.

I'd like to see a quick scene. Sure. JPC, let's see here. JPC, you are coming home to your wife, which is Erin. Erin, you're planning on killing JPC, but JPC has brought home a work friend, and so you have to either delay the killing or kill quickly before the work friend sees what's going on.

Great. Hey, Michelle. Hi. Do I hear a chainsaw? Yeah, that's a chainsaw. Michelle, you have to start that outside because it's a gas chainsaw, so don't start that in the house.

Thank you for explaining that to me like I'm an idiot. I was just making a charcuterie board and I was using this to cut the cheese.

Yeah, God forbid I explain something to you because you're not an idiot. Using a chainsaw Do you cut a charcuterie board?

She's just like you described her, Jeff.

Anyway, this is Bill. Bill is from the office. He's from accounting. Not the TV show. I wish. I wanted to show him the urinal. I just had installed it all the bathrooms.

Yeah. Sure. I am just going to chop some firewood with this axe. Oh. Just to keep it sharp and just make sure it's done. And then help yourself to a drink.

Okay. Chopping wood does not keep an axe sharp. It dulls an axe. It would dull an axe when you chop the wood.

Thank God you're here. I'm such a dumb little baby. What would I do without you to be here to explain things to me?

I have no idea. I just don't know.

I'm sorry. Did you urge Jeff from work?

I think I'm Jeff. This is Bill.

No, I'm also Jeff. No, I'm Bill.

Sorry, I'm Bill. I'm Jill. Sorry, we had so many drinks at the office.

We got really drunk. Let me get you each a beer. Bill, you have this beer. This is your beer. Okay. And Jeff, this is your beer.

Uh-oh, but you forgot. Today's Switch Day. I grabbed that beer and drink it down.

Oh, I dropped both beers. Let me go get you another one.

It's okay. Again, we are very drunk. We just came from drinking. And part of the reason why I wanted to bring him home was so we could piss in the urinal.

Oh great, great, great, great.

Urinal? More like I'm an ole. I'm an ole piss in this urinal. Bill just got an annulment, so that's kind of why. I talk down to my wife too often.

So, I guess maybe, I guess maybe you guys didn't know a bit.

Ah, divorce! I forgot I could, okay, I could just leave you. You know what? I want an annulment, I want a divorce.

Well, okay, just so everyone's clear, an annulment... I know what it is! Oh, fantastic.

Very good, very good. Why did you put a urinal in every room?

That sucks so hard. So, there was someone who put their house up on my block house up for sale on my block and they're also the person that flies a blue lives matter flag on the block so we're thrilled to have them leaving and as soon as they put their house on the market we started looking at the pictures and it was on a walk and I said Mariah I'm not going to spoil this for you I'm sending you this listing when we get home you have to look at it and I want to see your face when you find it and she's scrolling through the photos scrolling through the photos and their basement is like a man cave and like you know a fucking typical like Just a bar and a pool table and deer antlers and stuff. And the bathroom down there has a fucking urinal in it. I've never seen a urinal in a person's house and I was like of fucking course this person would have put a fucking urinal in their house.

That's such an expensive useless thing.

Men need space to spread their wings in a place where they don't have to be beta dummies. They can be alpha males down there hanging out with other dudes and peeing in a little thing that isn't a toilet.

I have to admit something and JPC I'm sorry to blow our cover. I don't do this but something that men do and I don't know if women know about this every single time I go to the urinal. Every single time. I cannot stress every single time I go to the urinal. Somebody walks up to the urinal next to me, or a few urinals down, and they spit in the urinal, and then after they spit, then they do their business. But I've never seen 99% of men spit in the urinal first and then pee. I don't understand it. I don't know where it comes from. I don't know why they do it, but every man seems to do that. Erin, I will shock you and say I've never seen a person do that.

I truly have never seen a person spit in a urinal. Okay, I lied. I lied. I wanted attention. I wanted attention. I don't know if that's real. Casey said, what bathrooms are you going in? I truly have never heard that.

I exclusively pee at Wrigley Field. Yeah, I guess if you're going in a sports bar that might be like, I don't know. But at the airport, at the airport, at restaurants, anywhere I go, men do this. I might be alone. I might be seeing things that aren't there. Maybe I'm seeing what I want to see. Maybe these men are spitting on your dicks.

We're giving Adal a lot of rope and he's spiraling.

Here's something I'll say about urinal. I have never seen a clean urinal in my entire life, and I've never seen a urinal and thought like, Gotta get one of these in my house. Gotta be the person responsible for cleaning this thing. This fucking horrible device.

Well speaking of being the person responsible, I'm responsible for Bleh Riddle Riddle Part 4 and we have two quick things we need to get through before the end which is approaching very quickly. So if we can, do you hear that sound? Do you hear that sound? I don't. It's the Halloween Animal Parade. Let's see what spooky things are in the parade.

I love it.

I'll go first. Three minutes until the end of the episode. This is the time we're introducing the Halloween Animal Parade.

Yes. Okay. A ghost with a tiny hat.

A lion in a pumpkin patch.

A bear with a mystery. A spider with a hot dad. A witch with an appointment. A skunk with a Tito's handmade vodka costume. A swamp thing with an IUD. It's Animal Parade. Animal Parade. And the last thing we have to do, which I believe I think we've done it the previous three, maybe we've only done it the previous two, but I think every single Bleh Riddle Riddle, we've had some sort of rap for daddy, which is in honor of Bort Pickett of Monster Mash fame. He sang another song that's the worst song ever made, but it's the best song ever made called Monster Rap, where he says rap for daddy and Frankenstein raps. So we're going to do one quick monster rap for each of you. You do have to rap for daddy. I'll give you a topic and you just have to do your best to rap. Who would like to go first, Erin or JPC? I'll go first. Yeah, please. Great. JPC, you're going to rap for daddy and your topic that you're going to rap about is going to be clowns.

Yo, my name is JPC, and you know I love to get down, but I don't fuck around with a little clown. These things are scary. I don't like their painted faces. If I see a clown, I get to a different spaces. I want to leave the room when I see a clown around, because I don't fuck around with no fucking clowns.

Yeah, very nice, very nice. Erin, are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay. And these do need to, you need to have some amount of rhyming. What are you implying? No, I'm just saying. What are you trying to say? One of the three of us, I can't remember who said rhymed Toronto with pronto. It was great, but it just, it was a panicked rhyme. Maybe it was me. It was me. It was me. So Erin, your topic you're going to rap about is witches.

Okay. Give me one moment.

Okay. That's a lot. That's part of the rules.

I know something that's very mean. I know something that's very green. No, I'm not trying to be funny, and I'm not even talking about money. Okay. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I would like to tell you, I'm talking about a witch. Okay. Give me one second. I'm getting a call.

That's a laugh. That's a laugh. I'm getting a call. Who is it, Erin?

Hey, yeah, I... Hello?

Hello.

Hey, um, I ordered sushi a couple hours ago at La Jeria. Oh, you called me though. Yeah, I called you. So, I bet it's about that.

This is your doctor.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I just wanted to give you your test results. Your mercury levels are through the roof. You have to stop eating sushi for every meal.

Alright, well, I was gonna make up an excuse, but I kind of told you what my whole deal was when I told you the sushi thing.

Yeah. Just, just so you know, you cannot eat that sushi anymore.

Are you sure?

Cause you could die. Well, hold on. Let me check my wall. Harvard Medical School.

Okay. Thank you so much sir. Okay. Goodbye. I'm about to leave the room and then fly off on my broom.

Ooh. Nice job. Nice recovery. Were you talking to that doctor who takes a Sharpie and scrolls Harvard Medical on any wall he's near?

Yeah, I'm thinking about murdering him, so he'll stop mansplaining things to me.

That doctor from Phoenix Online? I hate it when a doctor mansplains to me. I get it, I gotta stop eating mercury.

You have diabetes. Most doctors.

Oh, do I? Yes.

Okay, you've never been a woman at a doctor's office.

I know, I'm just joking.

I have had male OBGYNs try to explain period pain to me. And you know what I've done? Kicked them right in the teeth and called their wives and told them to divorce them. And then I throw the phone down on him.

I think most doctors are pretty reasonable level headed people. They don't have like weird God complexes.

OGBY because fuck you. Well, that is our bleh riddle riddle part four. It's been episode four. Isn't that insane? We have one final thing before plugs, which is we have to hear next year's riddle, which we won't get an answer for. Yeah, that's right. So here we go for next year for 2022. If that's still, if earth is still alive, I'm going to get it in one. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? For shits and giggles. Got it one. Got it in one. All in fun. Yeah. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Um, no.

No.

I don't.

Can you make something up?

Um, no. Oh, you know what? Follow us on Instagram at HeyRiddleRiddle. A lot of like live show announcements happen there. Also, we have a live show coming up very, very soon. So like less than a week away. So check that out. But if you want to be up to date on all of our announcements, I'd say follow us on Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle and Instagram at HeyRiddleRiddle.

Yeah and the live show you can either watch at home with a live stream or you can attend in person if you live in Chicago and you are vaccinated with the proof of vaccine. JBC do you have anything to plug?

Uh, out on Twitter at JPsofly on Instagram and Twitch at sharkbarkman.

Adal, anything to plug? Yeah, I did a recent podcast called Backwater Bastards, so please check that out. Also, I want to, I think I failed to do this previously, I want to thank Dan Sistma and everyone who came out to the Crawl Space Theater for World News Tonight. Uh, JPC and I performed there a few weeks ago in Kalamazoo, we had a blast. And then also, um, check out the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. If you're not a Patreon member, I gotta say, What a wonderful gift for the holidays for yourself and for others. It's some of our best work over there. I highly recommend you check it out.

We're about to do, yeah, Saddle Saddle. That comes out this week. Adal did such a good job. I can't stop thinking about it. He wrote it and it's so funny and so good and JPC cracks me up in it too. So definitely check that out.

And Erin is phenomenal in it. And so is JPC. And I wrote it. Thank you. Thank you. Erin, I don't know if you know this, but JPC has this condition where every time something comes out at night, he turns into a werewolf. It's not the moon though. It's a different thing. Oh, it's coming out right now. Look, he's changing.

Look, JPC's changing. Don't look at that. Adal, geez, give him some privacy. What the fuck is wrong with you, Adal? Hey Adal, can I talk to you?

What the fuck, man? As soon as I started changing, you spit on your own dick. What's that about?

Casey, you can get us out of here, please!

Bye forever!

Sorry, Sharon Keif! And John Patrick Coan is scaring it up! Casey Tomier, the end date is the horror manga! Read a book! Eckhart is scaring all the terrible! Logo created by Emily Cardedras and Emma Sly for peace! 1, 2, 3, 4, Bleh! Riddle Riddle.

Bye for never. Oh, that was a better one.

That was a Headgum podcast.