Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

You've just proven my point that there are thoughts running in endless circles in your mind. Mermaids refilling milkshakes of doves giving CPR to a doctor.

Don't try to get into JPC's head.

With the stresses of this last year, it's more important than ever to practice living healthier and happier lives. Take it from me, Serene Seal.

You're saying that our thoughts can be confusing enough, but meditation doesn't have to be? Is that right?

That's what I was implying. Oh, okay.

Well, Serene Seal, I use Headspace, which is a convenient dose of meditation and mindfulness and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety to help me get a better night's sleep all in one app.

Well, then my darling, you're all set. You can go.

Oh, thanks. Actually, you know what? I'm just, I'm gonna keep an eye on JPC.

I'll stay. Oh, so you're saying that I should use Headspace because it's what? One of the most science-backed meditation apps in the world, proving meditation works. And a study proves in just two weeks Headspace can reduce your stress by 14%. That's why I should use it.

You got all that from just the look in my eyes?

Maybe there's something psychic happening where it's like shooting the information into my brain. I may have one more milkshake, man. Thank you so much.

I use Headspace to fall asleep at night. It helps me so much. It's like five minutes and I am out like a light.

I use Headspace anytime I want to go... I think no. Serene, don't do that. That's what they want you to do. And I don't. JPC, what might you use Headspace for?

Well I can't wait to find out and you can find out too. You can find some Headspace at Headspace.com slash Riddle and get one month free of their entire meditation library. This is the best Headspace offer available so go to Headspace.com slash Riddle today.

That's Headspace.com slash Riddle.

I am still lactose intolerant in my dreams.

Dream bigger.

Uh, Adal and JPC?

Oh, yeah.

Are we in trouble? No, the podcast is looking really clean. I feel ready for guests. Everyone ironed their clothes. Thank you. This time we look really presentable. I feel like the podcast smells nice. I feel better. Do you guys feel good?

GPC. Yeah. Erin didn't notice that we crammed all the audio underneath the bed.

We got away with it. Stop talking about it, as you know.

Let me just check under the bed. Hey Erin.

Hey Erin.

Look at my dance.

Look at my dance. Ooh, yeah. Dance real hard. Dance, dance, Adal dance.

Your dance is drawing even more attention to the bed.

Erin, your parents were involved in a murder.

Good for them. Checks under bed. No!

It's all done. I shoved all the puns and audios I was going to do. Oh, there it is. You're right. There it is. It's all there.

Well, our guests are here, so be on your best behavior.

Oh, let me come downstairs in my little sailor suit and announce myself. I'm Adal Rifai.

I'm JPZ.

And I'm also in a little sailor suit. My name is Erin. Ooh, you on leave, you two? Ah, they're here.

Calm down. These are little sailors.

Little tiny sailors, so I expect little tiny curse words.

And I'm the Commodore. And I'm in a big boy sailor suit.

Please welcome our guests today. First time on the podcast. We are such big fans of their podcast. We've all guested on it. The show, Mega, please Subscribe. Please listen to it. I have to admit a dirty little secret, which is I'm subscribed, and every time it pops up in my little podcast feed while it's downloading, I think to myself, mega, and I laugh very hard.

We need to get you to do a little tag at the beginning of every episode of just a random voice from the ether saying, MAGA.

For Hey Riddle Riddle we do one, I don't know if you've heard it, where I come on I go, Hey Riddle Riddle. It's in the game. Yeah. But Erin and JPC voted that one out. He's on fire.

No I'm sorry.

He's fired from this job. Oh no. Thank you so much for being here. Such a pleasure.

It's a pleasure. We love you guys. All very funny three episodes of Mega we were just reminiscing about and yeah we can't wait to riddle around. Riddle around? Is that what you do? That's the right term.

So Greg Hess, Holly Laurent, what is your relationship with Riddle? Each other. And with each other. I've heard rumors you're married but I can't tell. You've never kissed in my presence. Rumors are true. We've never kissed.

We have a kiss-less marriage. I don't know if you've heard of this.

It works for us.

It's great. It's good.

We also don't have children. TikTok, we've heard of that.

We've all heard of it.

What is our relationship with Riddle? Well, we are married. Marriage is the greatest riddle, as they say. I will tell you that my relationship with Riddles is always I'm a little scared. Because I have a brain that isn't very logical, and so riddles to me, I always end up going down the complete wrong wormhole of any sort. Any person who made a riddle that was trying to put a red herring in there to distract someone, I'm going to be feasting on that fish. So I'm not that good at riddles, but I'm going to try so hard to

I'm really surprised you think you're not good at that. I think riddles are like an intelligence thing and I think you have that type of intelligence.

Yeah, I'm good at crossword puzzles. Yeah, you do crossword. Yeah, the riddle stuff, I just, you know. Well, we didn't ask about that, Greg. Now you're just bragging. Yeah, so I can like do the Sunday crossword like in, I mean like three to five minutes.

Okay, what did you get on your SATs, I guess?

Yeah, I mean that's weird that Erin would ask me that it's not like I texted her before, but you know back when I did the SATs, you know, I did get a 1700. I don't know. I think that might be bad. This shows our age difference. I think when I did the SATs it was 1600 was the top and so 1700 I think by today's standards is very bad.

I think you're legally dead. Now Greg I do have to mention you are I think an original member of improvised Shakespeare right? I am yeah. So in improvised Shakespeare, anytime I watch y'all, it feels like a riddle in terms of y'all talking in that Shakespearean language. And I feel like a lot of riddles we stumble upon have those thou's and thine's and that kind of flowery floral language. So I feel like you're gonna do better than you think.

Do you want me to go put on sort of a pirate looking shirt and pull up some soccer socks and act like you know I'm a fancy lad or something? That's basically improvised Shakespeare as some guys in soccer socks talking fancy. Well, that's good. The more of these in nows and nines, I can fucks with that.

We also want you to be speaking in quadrameter the whole time?

Quadrameter? Well Quadrameter is Dr. Seuss, so I can definitely do that. And Pentameter is Shakespeare, and we very rarely ever do Pentameter because it's so much harder to rhyme that way. I think Pentameter came to my college and sang a cappella, right?

Oh, they were so good.

Yeah, them in a hole in the head because everybody needs another improv group like they need a hole in the head or a cappella.

Holly, what is your relationship with Riddles and Puzzles?

Frodo and Gollum. Frodo had to answer a riddle for his life, right?

Okay.

Do you remember this? I remember it in the Hobbit riddles. I don't know if I remember the Lord of the Rings riddles. Oh yeah, I think maybe it was Hobbit. So that's Bilbo. That's, oh yeah, maybe it was Bilbo, yeah. Where Bilbo was talking to Gollum and he was like, what has he got in his pockets is? And Bilbo ends up screaming, string or nothing? But it was the ring, right?

Which is, can I just say that's how I order at a restaurant? I'm like, I don't know, this is the menu, string or nothing?

It's how I approach cheese. Quite the incident. And what was the other one? Remember the story we had as kids where the trolls were under the bridge and you had to answer the riddle to- Billy goes gruff. Yeah, Billy goes gruff. Those two things are my entire experience with riddles.

It's really okay if you guys want to uninvite us now off of the podcast where you're just like, this is not gonna work.

I don't know. I mean, I still think it would be awkward to do that. I've tried a couple of times with guests, and I don't think it's ever gone well. I love you Greg for saying it, but it's such a weird thing to do.

I'm just giving you the out. We had a guest a few weeks ago, and they didn't do well with Riddles. And then JPC contacted them and said, I'm so sorry, your audio was corrupted. And they said, no, it wasn't. And he goes, no, you're right. We lost your audio. And he goes, no, you didn't. And so he just aired it. We hate confrontation here.

We're very Midwestern. I'll try twice. I will try twice to kick someone off the show. And if they say no twice, I'm fucked. They're on.

Oh, I cannot wait to hear what this email is going to be that we get after this. It's been really entertaining.

You just better say our audio got COVID. We're going to say we actually went through a tunnel. That's what we're going to do in about five minutes. We're losing our connection, guys. We're going through a tunnel. Going into a canyon.

I can tell you're not on your phones, though. I can see you.

I'm looking at you. We're breaking up.

Erin, I want to carve out a little time. Erin is actually old man puzzles today, but I want to carve out a little time for you up top because I know you've, I believe you've mentioned it on this podcast that the best show you've ever seen... Adal! ...involved Holly Laurent and was it Katie Rich?

I mentioned that when I went on MEGA. That's so sweet. I mean I told Greg that before I moved to Chicago I watched a ton of improv shows on YouTube with him and Holly, the Reckoning. And so I was like really influential and then I saw Katie and Holly do a show. We're one of them played a teacher and it was the funniest improv show I've ever seen and it made the whole audience cry. It was so good. To laugh and cry, man. Now we're hitting it out of the park.

Usually if you're crying at an improv show, it's a terrible sign. And most people do. That means so much to me. Every time they came to one of my shows.

I disagree. I think an improv show is the perfect place to break up with someone because you can slip it in and then the show starts and now they're having a great time.

This dude is talking from experience, I can tell.

Can we get a suggestion of anything at all? Katie, we're over. I heard Katie, we're over.

Well, I'm going to start with some non-heartbreaker riddles. I think these are just going to be fun. This sort of feels like we're easing our way into it. This is a listener submittaled. Oops.

That's a new term.

These are from Erin B and their pronouns are they them and these are movie pun riddles. So Adal, you can sweep those puns back from under the bed.

Here's where I come alive. Thank you.

I'm going to give you an example first and then we're going to do some of them. A gun that you apply directly to the skin would be

A topical gun.

A topical gun. So it's like kind of the movie title, but it's also kind of a pun. So instead of Top Gun, it's topical gun. Top Gun, the most erotic movie of all time.

You said topical gun three or four times, and I still could not get what movie we were talking about. That's a good sign for me. Not going to be great at this game.

Because I was just over here going, die hard, die hard. Die hard.

Yeah, give me a few more line ratings of die hard.

Hard works, die still not working.

Well, I mean, there's no elegant transition into this. Now, same difficulty, fewer calories.

Same difficulty, fewer calories.

And your hint is you just said this movie.

Die hard. Die it hard.

Die it hard. Oh, Adal. Oh, nice.

But I said that one. Sorry, John McClain.

Greg, I think you get the points for that. That's crazy that you said the movie I was going to say next.

Yes. Okay, great. Some hundred points for me. Yeah. I think Greg Zion B. Or what was it?

Aaron B?

Sorry. Aaron B, yeah. It's a baby bear that's always ready for scuffle.

Fight Cub. Fight Cubby.

Yeah, Fight Cub.

That was good.

Adal, you're showing off. I'm impressed. Are bears non-monogamous? I don't know about this. That's a really good question.

Bears, I don't believe are monogamous.

Here's what I think. They make such a big deal about penguins and lobsters, loving and mating for life, that makes it feel like all other animals are, it's just a fuckfest. Right?

Right.

Yeah. Because they wouldn't make such a big deal out of it if it wasn't just those two species. And Canada geese. Sorry to tell you.

Ooh.

Ooh. Canada geese?

Canada geese also made for life. I know this because I actually don't want to say why I know this.

Why?

Because you killed one? I killed one when I was a young, hunting lad. And then, this got dark.

And then someone told you that you just killed someone's partner?

And then the other one flew around. Talk about making Holly cry.

We said oh no in unison. Now you pass the pain on. You know what, I bet that bird wrote a really beautiful album. I bet they turned their pain into something.

Thank you Erin. I think that's right. Sometimes you have to give pain to people so that they can take, give pain to birds so that they can make something beautiful out of it. It can truly be a gift for them.

Can I actually see the quickest of scenes? If it's okay, Greg, if this is too much for you, just let me know. Okay. Greg, do you mind being Greg and Erin, you're the goose that was shot and killed by young Greg and you're both in heaven and Greg is apologizing?

Should I do my voice that I actually sounded like when I was a kid? Please. I think it's best you do. Definitely. Okay. How you doing? I'm new here in heaven. My name's Greg.

Hey. Oh no. No, shoot.

Oh, shoot. I know you. I recognize you. Okay, shoot.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Did you- I have one question right out of the gate. Did you take care of my wife?

Okay.

Did you leave her with any money or food?

Okay, shoot. Money? Dude, geese need money. Okay, shoot. Um, okay, I'll leave you with one more thing.

Sorry, I'm an angel here. Can you not say the method in which you killed someone here in heaven? Oh, okay. So can you say like rats or drat or something like that?

Okay, oh yes, oh rats, rats. I mean, I did kill a lot of rats too, so I mean, that might be a little awkward if any of those guys show up. Just say darn it.

Okay, darn it. What do you mean, those guys? Okay, there we... We're down here, and yes, we're in heaven as well.

Yeah, I also offed some of these some bitches when I was a little younger too.

Thank you. That's what we respect.

Hey y'all, I'm serious. I only did this because I wanted to be closer to my dad.

Oh, that is sad. Okay, that is sad.

It is. So I just want to, you know, you know, when you're sort of pressured as you're younger to have some bonding experience with your father, but it involves killing animals and you don't really want to do it, but I just did it because I, you know, that was kind of what you did where I, where I'm from.

Yeah, I think that was my big question, is how are you here, not in hell? And now I know.

Well, no, actually, Goose, I should say something. This is actually bring your killer to heaven day. Um, so this is when we bring whoever killed you to heaven just to kind of make a mistake.

Oh, I didn't know that. Well, let me show you where I work, buddy.

Oh my goodness, this is nice.

What is this place?

This is my desk. Oh my goodness. A cubicle? You get a nice cubicle in heaven just in a phone.

How about you just pop up on this chair? Oh my goodness. You can color and I'm going to get some work done.

Do y'all have slack here?

Yep.

Oh, I would love to put some fun gifs into the slack feed.

Go for it. All right, seeing. I think we healed Greg. Do you feel better?

I think we scared corporate culture too.

Wow, we really took it to them. Speaking of corporate culture, it's so fascinating that 12-year-old Greg sounds like a manager at a Cracker Barrel.

Hey, there was a road that I didn't take that led straight to being a manager at a Cracker Barrel.

That was the clearest path for you. You could literally see the Cracker Barrel at the end of it. It was such a clear path.

One was improv and one was managing a Cracker Barrel and honestly I chose wrong. I can't honestly say that.

I served tables at a Cracker Barrel.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, I did. Until the day a woman barfed on my kids and I walked out. It feels so good to walk out of a job.

And Holly has an accent. You're children, right? You're kids? Yeah. Barf it all over your kids. Oh no, okay. Oh no, my kids. But you have an accent, right? So you're children.

I felt it dropping on the top of my little canvas shoe and the woman took her napkin, wiped one corner of her mouth, the other corner and goes, oh, I feel much better. I might do with a peach cobbler. And I walked out to my car, and it felt so good. I think it's the only time I've ever walked out of a job.

Holly, I gotta be honest, you keep saying that you felt so good walking out, but the story is literally about someone barfing on your feet. So I think that maybe you've discovered that something actually feels pretty good, and it's not the walking out.

Ooh, I just found a new proclivity. Ooh, I got a kink, y'all.

That sounds so much like an early 90s Nickelodeon toy, like barf shoes.

How many barfs can you get on how many pairs of shoes?

Someone barfed on my shoes and I've never felt better quitting a job. I've quit other jobs since and it didn't really scratch the same instant.

Oh no. I've never been as turned on as I was that day.

That dang it. Whoops.

Alright, here we go. This is, again, you accidentally predicted this. When I got my fancy flightless birds back from the dry cleaners, they were far too stiff for my liking.

Uh, uh, Broken Eagle. Do-do, uh, ostrich rich, ostrich rich. They made for life. They made for pengua, uh, march, uh, march of the penguins.

March of the penguins.

Give it to Greg. Cut out my audio. Give it to Greg. Hold on.

Greg's just saying the things that Adal sang.

I'm just saying as he starts to say it then I try to come in slightly faster and then we can blame it on the zoom.

I like to see a scene.

In the NASCAR world he's doing what we call drafting.

Adal and Greg you are two penguin dads sitting on eggs and you're sort of just shooting the shit.

Yeah like I was telling you I walked about 20 miles found some grub and I gotta tell you it is cold out there. How you doing Terry?

Hey, what's going on, Jim? It's a nice day today. Oh, beautiful day. A little cold, a little cold. How's the egg doing? You know, it's doing okay. It's this one, you know, after a year in and year out, some are good, some are bad. I gotta tell you, when I look at this one, I mean, take a look at it. But you take a look at this freaking thing. I mean, have you ever seen an egg look like that? It's a little, uh, it's a little wonky, I gotta say. Yeah, it's a little wonky. I mean, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. It's a friggin' square. It's, uh, yeah, yeah.

You're, I didn't want to say it. First, you know, the other dads are, the other dads are saying that you carved it out of a piece of wood. Okay, who's saying that?

Who's saying that?

Well, I don't want to, I don't want to bust balls. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus.

I mean, it is, they can't bust balls because our balls are completely internal and you know that. Oh, actually I didn't. You know the other day... We make for life and our balls are internal. Everybody knows that about penguins.

Holy shit. The other day I got in a bar fight. Guy kicked me square in the nuts. Didn't do a thing and I was like, I think I'm tough.

Turns out... Yeah, our balls are completely internal. In fact, we have like a little feather pocket and what we do is we just line up our holes when we go to meet.

Hey Terry, I do have to ask you, and this is something I ask you every week when we hang out, because of the square egg that looks like a chunk of wood with a knot in it, and because you know so much about us, I have to ask you, like I do every week again, are you a scientist here in a penguin suit studying us?

Why do you assholes keep saying that? I just don't get it. Look, Spock, Spock, I fly around. I mean, I walk around. Wait, you what?

Oh, you got it. You walk around.

I mean, I walk around, I eat the freaking fish. I mean, I sit on this thing. Hey, I sleep with my wife. You know I sleep with my wife. Oh, you've told me. You've told me. I mean, we really get nasty. And we've been together forever. I think, you know, I'm not a scientist.

Kyle, we gotta pull you out of there. You've been there two years. There's no more to study, man.

I'm so close. I'm so close.

I ask you this every week, but I'm going to ask you one more time. Did you fall in love with your penguin wife and did you fall in love with being a penguin? Or are you still studying that?

Tanya, please. You don't understand their ways. I've figured it out. They sort of talk like they're from the south side of Chicago. They don't even know that their testicles aren't distended. They've bought into the fact that I could have a square egg. I'm telling you.

Alright. Just leave. Just walk away. Just walk away. Just leave.

You think I can walk away from this?

You said you wanted to meet with me? You know, I think we got to hurry because, you know, the, you know, the pollers are all about and we know that the bears are a little scary this time of year. So what do you want to meet about? Hey buddy, we're best friends, right? I can tell you anything? Absolutely.

Tell me anything and everything. I'm going to show you something right now that's going to freak you out, all right? It's not going to be pictures of you and your wife getting nasty, is it? I showed you those already. No, this is, this is, this is, this is real. This is friend-to-friend soulmate kind of stuff, okay? Okay. We're best friends for life, right? BFF, show, show me.

I can't comprehend what I'm looking at. Terry, you just took off your head and there's another head underneath. Are you a magician?

Jesus Christ. These, these birds really do have bird brains.

Let's get some portillo's.

Ooh, Priscilla sounds good. Yeah, all of a sudden I was like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay. They said he was too pretty to succeed at Harvard spy school, but they were wrong.

Harvard spy school? This one was fun.

This one was smart.

Smart. They said he was too pretty, so handsome.

No. They said he was too... So the movie is about someone they think is too pretty. to succeed at Harvard Law School. Oh, Legally Bond. Legally Bond!

Did I say bombed and not bond? Oh my god, jettison me off of this podcast that I say bombed and not bond.

And we're gonna throw you into space, alright? We threw Greg into space. And now Greg's in space.

The name's Bond, James Bond. I went to school in Boston.

What? Like it's hard?

These all feel like adjacent to like a easily reachable, but there's like, there's something about them that my brain feels like I'm translating it out of a language that I know back into the language that I know. Like it's, they're all just out of reach for me. I don't like what this is doing to my head.

Here's another one that I think will truly destroy you.

Okay.

She was finally a teenager and she was ready to inflict some pain.

13 going on Hurdie.

8th Blade. Okay, how did you get that so fast? It's 13 going on Hurdie, which I went, no one's gonna get this. Is that right?

Holly said 8th Blade, which actually I was like, I think 8th Blade works better.

It does work better, and no one should have gotten 13 going on Hurdie, and somehow JPC got it at the speed of light.

Look, I'll tell you what, couldn't be more disappointed in myself for getting that. Guys, call his dad.

Pick up the red phone.

Truly, I dissociated for a second when I came up with that answer.

What if you and your dad went hunting tomorrow, then you could disappoint them like I did?

You know, after having the lifetime of experiences that I've had with my dad, I don't like the kind of hunting that we would go on together.

Human?

The most dangerous dad.

Vincent Spallows made up stories.

Vincent Swallows? Vincent Swallows made up stories? Vincent Swallows made up stories. Who the fuck is Vincent Swallows?

Is this something to do with birds?

So this would be, no, okay, I'm out. Swallows is like swallowing.

Something, oh, something tails?

Why is Vincent important though? What is Vincent doing? Price?

The price is wrong. Van Gogh?

What's a made-up story? What do you call it? All of them! A lie. I know the one that's like completely made up. Fiction, yep. Oh, a big fish.

Big fish. Pig fish.

So fiction is the second word.

Oh, okay. Oh, it's going to be something, it's like pulp fiction, but Vincent Swal... Gulp fiction. Gulp fiction.

I actually do think I beat him on that one.

Yeah, I'll give it to Greg on that one because it obviously came in a second earlier than Adal's.

Yeah, I have a real... My freaking internet, guys. I had all these wires. It's just such a slow...

All these wires.

That truly was a little bit of freak. Whoa. It's wild. Adal, as you were doing that, a bullet just started whizzing back and forth between your walls and it's just covered in little holes now.

Okay, so corn song, but it's when you try and purchase or loan in a bode. Freak on Elise. Freak on Elise. Fuck.

Very, very good. But it kind of sounded like Cookie Monster to me, so I was going through all my Sesame Street references.

Okay, we'll do two more. When you find a skeleton in JPC's home state, those are... So JPC's from Indiana, we should mention.

Skeletons are made of bones, we should mention that as well. And then Adal and I will stop talking and we'll just say those two things.

Bellas? Clujers?

Dad, I haven't talked to you in a while and I need to get Clujer. Is there a movie called Gary Indiana? Because it might be Barry Indiana.

It's literally Indiana boats. Truly, Adal said Indiana, and I said Bones, and I was like, well, and then we're done saying words, and then everyone was like, what the fuck could it be?

The other ones have been so complex that I was like, I was making it harder than it needs to be.

Hey man, there's 13 going on Herdy all over again. I don't know why I keep getting these, but now my brain has attuned to it, and I'm at the exact same rhythm I'm flashing. Yeah, you're at peak performance now.

All right, last one, JPC. Let's see if you can get it really quickly.

Easy.

All right. You and a stylish, undead man can both see a tiny piece of wood stuck in someone's finger.

Zombie Splinter.

The second word you just said is the first word of... Oh, Splinterhands. Edward Splinterhands. Edward Splinterhands is kind of a better movie if you think about it.

He can't touch anything, but every time he touches things he gets splinters.

And his creator, which is Vincent Price, aforementioned Vincent Price, he's like, I handed you metal. How are you doing this? I want to see a scene. Holly, you are sort of a small town rich person who's bored and who dabbles in their laboratory in their castle. And you've created this brand new creature that you want to be human-like, that you want to be your friend. Erin, you are Edward Splinterhands.

Good morning, darling. Are you awake? It's gonna hurt to put hand sanitizer on so much. Why don't you do this to me? I'm a freak. No, you're beautiful. You're beautiful. Now sit up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed and stand, darling. Why do I have such a scary haircut? Oh, that's how all the kids are wearing it nowadays. It's fashionable, darling. Now here, let me look at those little fingers. Oh, they're beautiful. They're perfect. Oh, they're perfect. That just makes you feel alive, honey. You're alive. It like hurts, but it's more of like a throbbing. It's like kind of hurts, more stings. It's not terrible pain. Please, please take these splinters out. I would, but I don't have my reading glasses and I can't see a thing. Now, let's have lunch. I let you sleep in.

Bang, bang, bang, bang on the door.

Oh, one second. Hello?

I'm the mayor of this town and we don't want Splinter, we don't want Splinterhands in there. Splinterhands is ruining all that, all the children want Splinter's in their hands now. Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby.

Oh no. Tan roof, get in here.

Sorry, we're having a little party down the street. It's a bar mitzvah. And we've got a great band. What we're saying is we don't want any of these kids, we don't want Splinterhands in here because all the kids at the bar mitzvah want Splinters in their hands.

Do you know how hard it is to get splinters out of kids' hands? Well yes, especially if you don't have on your reading glasses. Here, come here splinterhands. Do you want to go down to the party? To the bar mitzvah and show the kids what terrible pain it is so that they leave us alone? Yes, and then I'm going to fall in love with Winona Ryder? Ooh, is she there? Is she at the party?

She's always there. She won't not.

Did you leave her there? She's gonna steal all the food.

That is true.

You can leave her alone and the scene. She's a great actress.

Really fantastic, especially recently.

I don't remember much about that movie. I was like, oh fuck, did they love him or hate him? I don't remember.

They loved him and then they hated him. Yeah, I think there's a weird subplot where all the sort of town, I don't know what you'd call it, like all the community single women were like obsessed with him and trying to sleep with him. It's kind of weird.

Yeah. Erin, you did remember the most important detail, which is that he has a fucked up haircut.

That's the plot of all the Tim Burton movies. The guy with the fucked up haircut slashes people's necks. The guy with the fucked up haircut.

Same premise for all David Lynch movies.

I'm older than you all, but I think this is right. When Edward Scissorhands came out, I think there were McDonald's toys for Edward Scissorhands, and it is decidedly not a children's movie.

What? I'm googling it.

Can we Google that? This is like in my memory somehow and I feel like you could get a figurine of Edward Scissorhands at McDonald's.

That is a wild crossover. Unexpected.

Very unexpected. Somebody inside the toy world of McDonald's was like this cutting social satire needs to be placed into the hands of children so that they can really escape suburbia.

Doesn't he, isn't like Auntie Michael Hall maybe? Who's like this bully boyfriend and he sticks his scissors through him and like lifts him, he lifts him in the air while his scissors are through his stomach and sternum and like throws him off a house or something? That's a little funny.

If this is a McDonald's toy, now that you're saying this, I will be shocked and astounded, but I really feel like it was.

Okay, so Big McDonald's wiped it from the internet somehow if it was. They tried to...

I remember when Burger King had the Donnie Darko original soundtrack with all of their meals, that was fucked up too. And that maybe was only one Burger King that I kept going to.

I ate a Whopper and cried so hard because I was like, all around me are familiar ketchup.

This is so sad. So sad. That would be really great if what I'm remembering is just a guy that owned a McDonald's franchise in my weird town decided that he was gonna put Edward Scissorhands toys in meals. Because at that time, you know, the 90s was a wild time. You could own a McDonald's outright and just, you know, as long as you knew how to make the burgers, you could do whatever you wanted, that puppy.

Hey, you're a franchisee. Go for it.

Hey, we all grew up going to Arby's and getting condoms in our bags, right?

Oh, definitely. That's universal, right?

Hardee's had nunchucks.

When did McDonald's stop making toys that people cared about? Because I remember when they had mini Beanie Babies, those were sold out everywhere.

That big cold snap killed off all of their elves. Thank you.

They used to have Muppet toys and there's like a Kermit with a little skateboard that went in his feet and I remember playing with that ad nauseam. It was such a good toy.

I remember wanting one of the little camera toys. They had like these little camera toys but no one cares anymore about those.

I think last thing I saw was they had packs of like Pokemon cards where it's like this seems geared for a much older audience.

Yeah. And you have to eat at McDonald's to get that stuff, which I'm hoping now people realize you just shouldn't do, but maybe they don't? Do we like McDonald's?

I only eat it when I smell it. If I smell it, I have to eat it. You gotta get a fry.

It's everywhere.

A lot of that stuff kind of went away as soon as people realized they could get Pornhub on their phones.

Isn't that right? It's so true.

It's true. Sorry.

By society. I want to get some Szechuan sauce and then go to Twitter and just rail against Rick and Morty.

So the answer to our final riddle was, I don't think you're going to get it. It's too hard. Splinterview with a vampire.

What was the clue again?

That's a really good question. You and a stylish undead man can both see a tiny piece of wood stuck in someone's finger.

That's pretty good. That works really hard. Interview, I don't, okay. I like that. I like this game. Yeah, it's good.

I like this game.

We started to get good at it. I like this game. Those are our last riddles from Erin B. So we're moving on. Should we go to a break or should we?

Erin, you're in charge, you decide. But, one of the choices is wrong.

Okay, I see a clear path to a cracker barrel and I'm gonna take that path and that's the break.

We'll be right back with more cinnamon apples and rugs that are checker boards.

Cinnamon brooms and rocking chairs. And that triangle game with the soft teas.

Love that game.

Hey Adal, hey GPC, I got a lot done today. I cut my own hair, I learned how to unicycle, I can play the trumpet now. I saved so much time, no, but I'm happy, and I'll tell you why. Okay. Normally I waste so much time going to the grocery store, picking up the ingredients, stressing about what to make for dinner, but not this week, no. I ordered HelloFresh.

Ooh la la. Erin, I order HelloFresh too and you know what's great is right now around this time of year the fall harvest is officially on with HelloFresh. They have seasonal recipes like pumpkin cinnamon rolls and friends giving ready sides as well as fresh high quality ingredients that travel from the farm to your front door in less of a week. And I do need to say they don't travel on their own accord. They are carried there by a person and delivered. They don't grow legs.

Uh-huh, and they offer 50 menu and market items to choose from every week. There's so much variety. There's calories smart. There's vegetarian. Anything that you could possibly need, they've got it.

Guys, I love HelloFresh, and the thing that I love the most recently is I got the classic French onion soup with Gruyere toast and apple Dijon salad. I gotta say, this thing was delicious. One caveat to that, when I did get my onion, it was busted. So I did reach out to HelloFresh, I did let them know that onion busting is disgusting, and all I need them to do is acknowledge and recognize the onion. And as long as they do that, we're cool HelloFresh.

We're cool. Do you know JPC? In France, they just call that onion soup. Oh, I did not know that.

Huh. And if you want to know something that you didn't know before, you can go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14 and use code HeyRiddle14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. That's hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14 using code HeyRiddle14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping.

Erin, can you come over to my house and get some stuff done?

Nope, tired from all the stuff I did today.

Okay, I'll live in this shack. Good evening, Erin. JPC. It's nice to see you. Wink Martini Gulp. Wait a second. My name is Al Form, and I'm here to tell you about something special. You might also know me by my codename, 00 Savings.

This is fun.

I just gotta say right off the bat, Al Form, I don't know you, but I am really looking forward to getting to know you over, I think, maybe three, four ads? This could be an arc.

Yes, well you know that Al Form likes to sleep, and you know he only sleeps on a Helix mattress. Well, Helix has actually left the bedroom much like me, Al Form, and started making sofas. And so far, so good.

I do like this guy.

Oh, and Al Forme. I have an Al Forme sofa and it's like the most comfortable sofa I have ever sat in my house. It was also so easy to customize. I got to pick the fabric, the color, the color of the legs, the size, and the shape to make it absolutely perfect for my home.

Oh, thank you. I'm flattered. Here's your martini, Mr. Alform. Oops, sorry. I spilled that on you and also broke the glass and scratched you. That's how I like my martinis. Wait a second. Look at this guy. Spilled, broken, and scratched. He's spill, stain, and scratch resistant. Plus, you could pick his color, the color of the legs, the sofa size, and its shape to make sure it's perfect for you and your home. Wowee!

Yes, pretty good. And also I know that getting a sofa without trying it in the store sounds a little risky. A little whiskey, if you're talking about my martini. I ruin my martinis, by the way.

Awful, awful martini choice.

You don't have to worry about that. You get a hundred days to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months. And if you don't love it, like you love me, I'll form, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund.

They also offer a forever warranty, literally forever. What more could you need?

They got financing, flexible payment plans, so an amazing sofa is never very far away.

To find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com slash riddle. And I know what you're thinking, I have no time to buy. Ha ha ha ha ha. Allform, you did it again. But right now, if you purchase, Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com slash riddle. That's allform.com slash riddle.

00 Savings. You have a new mission. You have to get onto an all-form couch and you've got to do it by tonight. Mission accomplished.

So I'm jumping this golf tee over this one, and I have finished the Cracker Barrel peg game with only one tee left, which means... Wow. With shit. Yes. I think I could go for some cobbler still. Okay, we have a berry crumble, or we have the classic peach.

And she's gonna need a cobbler for those shoes.

In this universe I stay working at Cracker Barrel and my life goes in a completely different direction. You guys would have still met.

Yeah we would have met. We would have met by the candy and the handguns or whatever else you could buy there. A dulcimer and some rock candy.

Holly in that universe you're married to Grog Hoos.

Hey y'all, I'm Grog and I manage this Cracker Barrel. Would you like an Edward Scissorhand figurie? I'm selling them.

You're still wearing the soccer socks and the pirate shirt somehow? Totally.

Totally.

There's no universe in which that uniform didn't find you.

That's so sad. So candles at a Ren Faire? Yep. Yep.

All right. I have some more listener submitted riddles. These are from Rook Hughes.

Well, Erin, we have a new name for him.

Here's my riddle. What's the thing that covers a tree? Okay, we get it. I gotta say half of these are kind of heartbreakers. These are a little bit harder.

Okay.

Okay, great. Erin, is heartbreaker, is that like a new difficulty level that I've never heard about before? Because this is the second time you've mentioned it.

Yeah, it's a new difficulty level.

Whoa.

Exactly.

All right, so this one- There are ones that are Tom Petty easy, and then there are real heartbreakers.

Great.

If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?

American Girl and Wildflowers.

Yeah, tracks four and five.

Dang. Wow. They put Wildflowers before Renegade on the album? That's poor mixing.

I forgot Tom Petty had that song about American Girl dolls.

Yeah.

Okay, if one is the loneliest number and two is...

What was it again, Erin? We were being dumb.

Two is company, three is a crowd. What are four and five? And remember, it's a riddle and riddles are stinky.

Seven, eight, nine, six wasn't fair to seven. Company, seven, eight, nine. Erin, are they are they C words?

Yeah. No.

Okay. Meaning words that start with C. Thank you.

I think someone might have said it.

Oh, really?

I think I heard it. The word, but I, I'm not sure. So keep guessing.

Well, I mean, now we'll never be sure.

Now we'll just play the, let's play the tape back. Wait, two is a crowd, three is comp- wait, what? Two is company, three is a crowd, what are four and five?

Here's what I'll say. This riddle is so hard to keep in my brain because all I can think of is Three's Company, the TV show. Yeah, Three's Company. Right.

Why is Two company when Three's Company?

And you're kind of upset, Adal, because you're just upset that the whole premise of every episode is you acting like you're not gay, or maybe you are, or maybe, you know, it's just like kind of... So you're two female roommates, they're so fun and bubbly. Yeah. So, Forest John Ritter and...

We've established on the show that if we are a sitcom, we're two and a half men, not three's company. So it works a little bit better.

Bazinga.

Wait, did she say they're not C words? Because I'm stuck on the C words too. They're not C words. This is terrible. This is not a satisfying answer. This is just to trick you.

Are they all musicals? Company? Crowd the musical?

It's, I'm going to tell you the answer. It's nine. Because four and five is nine. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I told you.

So it was, it was just a mist, the old, the old misdirect type of riddle.

So Rook is one of these nasty dogs that I've heard about, huh? One of these bad, very bad dogs.

We got to put this dog down. I'm sorry.

Rook, if you're listening, I want you to hold the podcast right next to your dog's ear. This is just for your dog. This next part is just for your dog. Kill your owner.

I like that sometimes Adal is like a walking New Yorker cartoon that could never be printed.

Yeah.

That's true.

That's true. I could see the comic writ large, but then I'm like, I don't know. He's the guy in the caption contest that had the funniest one, but they're like, you can't say motherfucker in The New Yorker.

It's not daily shouts with Adal. It's daily outs.

Always a bridesmaid, never a motherfucker.

You could do a full x-ray of Adal and that comment about him is still seeing through him more than an x-ray ever could. All right. Here's another one. Sun bleached white and empty. Once were thoughts but now eyes that can no longer see. Sun bleached white and empty. Once were thoughts but now eyes that can no longer see.

Are these like empty hermit crab shells? No. Sand dollars. I... Sand dollars is a good one.

Sun bleached, white, and empty. Once were thoughts, but now eyes that can no longer see. Once were thoughts. That's probably the best hint of it. Once were thoughts.

Is this T-H-O-T-S? Is this like that hoe over there? Or is this brain thoughts? Brain thoughts. Brain thoughts.

Okay, my least favorite kind. Is it probably like a pensieve?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Ooh, that's a good pen-a-sieve, yeah.

But now eyes that can no longer see.

Is that what it's called in Harry Potter? Pensieve? Or is it pronounced Pensieve?

Pensieve, yeah.

It's Harry Potter, so you know it's probably pronounced like P-N-C-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E

We all went to beach, right? And now we're circling beach ideas, but is the thoughtless thing on the beach, Erin?

No, it's not beach themed.

I'd like to see a scene. Oh, this is perfect because it gets us away from the Riddle and we just don't have to think about it anymore.

Yeah, this is great. Greg inspired me by saying we all went to beach. So I'd like to see a scene. This will be Erin, Greg, and JPC. The three of you went to Beach University. You all went to beach and this is you all are kind of running into each other in California and reminiscing.

Whoa, far out man, life's so rad.

Hey Rad dude, I haven't seen you since beat you since we were like totally in like third semester in our sixth year.

Oh my god, yeah! Bro! Pulls up on skateboard, kick-flip or whatever. Hey, what's up, Brody? Hey, whoa! Small world! My guys? Shit. What are you guys up to?

I've just been kind of like ripping cheats here on the beach and just like shredding the gnar like really getting into that like super sick sets like, you know? What have you guys been up to? Brody, what have you been up to?

Me? Oh, yeah, totally. I have a family now.

Whoa, no shit.

Yeah, I studied turtles for a while. I definitely a turtle on the beach and now I sort of just live with them still.

That's freaking massive. Whoa. Mm-hmm. Mango, what are you up to, dude?

Yeah, Mango, what's up with you, man? You're the smartest guy in our class, Mango.

Still the same old Mango, you know? Oh, dude. Same super chill, super relaxed guy. I've always been. I did inherit my dad's flooring supply company, so I do manage kind of that now.

It's four different locations. I feel like I see a suit and tie under your Hawaiian shirt. What's up with that?

Dude, is your whole life a lie? Did you lie to me when you told me that Chris Kattan based a character on you in the 90s? No, but it was Mr. Peepers.

Same, same. Suit and tie, you know, flooring. Well, well, well, look who, look who is dressed to the nines. What are you, a manager at a flooring company?

Oh man, you'd be amazing to have, those flooring guys are making a killing now. What would that supply change?

No, I'm a fake one. This is always how I'm dressed.

These guys are rolling in it.

Any of you feel like lining up our holes together? That stuck with me. When you said that penguins line up their holes, I was like, that is going to stick in my brain for a very long time. Okay, nobody look at my internet search history for at least the next eight months, and then you're allowed, but I just need some time. Just gonna go on that private setting like you gotta do on your phone to get to Pornhub.

Penguins call that a cloaking device. That's just the name of their hole.

Sean's gonna wake you up and he's gonna be holding your phone and he's gonna be like, uh, Erin, why are you googling Edward Scissorhands McDonald's lining up holes penguins? Are we, are we okay?

Mind your business. Don't look at me. Um, okay. So, is that, cause baby, is that frowned upon? I mean, am I not supposed to be lining up my holes with people? I don't know. We've never said you can't line up holes.

I'm asking questions.

This Penguin actress comes after the number six.

This penguin actress comes after the number 6.

No, this penguin actress, this sexual penguin actress comes after the number 6. Okay, I want to say Danny DeVito 7.

Okay.

No. I have a hint, I think. Who's the most sexual actress? Cloeca Sevigny.

Wow. Greg, that's all the time we have for you.

All the glass in my apartment just broke.

Did we lose our sponsors yet?

That was so powerful. It was like getting hit by a tornado.

Whoa. It's really sad for everyone. Okay, great. Let's move on.

No, that was great. Let's see. John bleached white and empty. Once were thoughts, but now eyes that can no longer see. So my hint for this one is sometimes people hold this in their hands when they're depressed and they're talking.

Dominoes.

Maybe one famous guy holds it in his hands.

Marbles. Dice.

Oh, skull.

Hamlet in the skull.

It's Hamlet. I like to see a scene. Thoughtless eyes.

Greg, are you legally allowed to do Shakespeare outside of your company?

I don't give a shit, Adal.

I'm the renegade of that company. Like, I'll do anything. The bad boy of improvised Shakespeare. I want to see a scene. Greg, you're going to be talking in Shakespearean time talk. In blah blah Shakespeare talk. You are Hamlet. Does Hamlet hold the skull? He does at one point. The last Horatio. Holly, you will be the skull and you can talk back. So this is the scene. This is the soliloquy, but it turns into a two person scene because we realized the skull can actually speak for itself.

Ah, alas Horatio, I gaze upon thy perfect pate now, worn smooth by the sands of time, on the beach where I did pick thee up, your thoughtless eyes staring back at me. Oh, how I wish thou would speak unto me again with that sylvan tongue that thou didst oft, oft give posy unto me.

Hamlet, you think they still got toys at McDonald's?

What ho, what is this? It speaks the thoughtless, the thoughtless, the thoughtless Pete does bring forth some words from its very mouth speak unto me of what does thou speak of toys?

Wait, why are you calling me thoughtless? I think I'm a pretty nice guy.

You are a nice guy, as they would often say in the common tongue, but how does most animate your verse now comes? I did, but a few weeks ago, put thee in the ground.

Yeah. I got buried with a McDonald's toy, and I feel like it's setting the course of my afterlife.

And it gave the magical powers that thou can now speak?

Evidently.

Oh. Well, I would be remiss in saying I don't have a propensity to do terrible things to body parts when I find them.

Whoa. Could you do an example of what you do to bodies, but like in rhymes?

Oh God. Saved by Adal.

I like that you put the hard Scottish on McDonald's. McDonald's. You guys, I'm sorry, but the doorbell rang and there is a lawyer here serving me with a cease and desist from the improvised Shakespeare company.

Oh no!

Back up the tape, back up the tape.

I thought it might be from the Scottish restaurant. Can't say the name.

Dropping off haggis. I think that there should be a sitcom that is Hamlet and the Skull and it's sort of like an odd couple situation. I think that's what we need now.

It's Hamlet and the Skull. They're roommates and it just, it gets so kooky. And Hamlets may be gay.

All right, a couple more.

Yes, please.

Perfect teeth without a face, I coax an army into place.

Perfect teeth without a face. Dentures. Perfect teeth without a face. Braces. Ooh.

I coax an army into place. Yeah, I like braces for that, yeah.

That is a really good answer.

An army of teeth.

But no.

I coax them into place. Perfect teeth without a face. Is it like piano? Piano? Is it like a piano? Is it like piano Reeves? Is it like a tough guy that's like, I lie, yeah, I'll coax a couple teeth into place.

Yeah, it's a tough guy that says, yeah, I'll coax a couple teeth into place.

Oh shit! Wow. Oh my god.

Well no, Erin, it says Mickey Rourke. See, read what it says.

Well those, like, they read the same to me. Yeah. Same letters, same number of letters. Perfect teeth without a face, I coax an army into place.

So what has teeth without a face? Perfect teeth without a face, is that what you said?

Yes. So it's something that has teeth Is it a saw? No, but I like how you're thinking.

Is it a key? No. And the army is the tumblers? No, okay.

Is it a clock? Ooh, is it a clock? No. The teeth or time?

Oh, it's a key.

Alright, well it doesn't matter because I do want to see a scene. We, everybody is going to be playing, we're all like in the army and we're all, you know, soldiers and tomorrows the day of the big battle, but we're all just astounded by the fact that Adal is here and he has the best smile that we've ever seen on a person and we're all just astounded by that.

Holy moly, look who showed up with a new set.

Who is this general hygiene? Oh my god! I don't know but I've been told. You're supposed to repeat that. I don't know but I've been told. I don't know but I've been told. Look at these motherfucking teeth.

Look at these motherfucking teeth.

That does not rhyme and I do not care. Yeah, wow.

We were just talking about how we hope we get to see our girlfriends again one day.

Yeah, one day, one day. Hey Patricia, turn off the lights. Watch this.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa? This guy's gonna die tomorrow? No way. Petey, Petey, put a marshmallow up near my mouth. Okay, I'll do anything.

Holy crap. He ate it. He ate the marshmallow.

He chopped it right out of my hands. So hungry. Wait buddy, you can't be flashing those around. The enemy's gonna see those things flashing in the night. You're gonna get your head blown off.

No, no, no. The corporal said they won't shoot till they see the whites of our eyes. He said nothing about teeth. Although come to think of it, on my way over here, I was shot 17 times in the shoulders.

Oh no!

It's fine, it's just the shoulders.

You're bleeding everywhere. We're in battle tomorrow. No one make them laugh or smile, okay? Make sure you're in a real bad mood so you don't give us away. Yeah, don't think about nothing funny. Just think about, you know, death. Think about decay. Think about the first time somebody insulted you for holding hands with your best friend.

Well, don't think about that because you were famously insulted for the first time by that insult comic. He went off, he did like a ten minute tear on you holding hands with your friends, so that's gonna make anybody laugh.

Yeah, let's, I'll tell you some depressing things you can think about. Like, when I left for the army, my mom says, can I have one more hug? And I turned my back to her and walked away, didn't say another word.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I'll regret it every day. I'm thinking about it every five seconds. Think about this, Omaha, one day your mother picked you up and set you back down and then never picked you up again. Just think about that, Omaha. Just think about that. It is like us with all of our girlfriends. We didn't know. Well, we did kind of know when we left for war that that could be our last kiss and we kissed real good, you know, but honestly, you're right.

Mine was a relief. When I left my girlfriend, I was like, this is way easier. I mean, I was fully planning on taking her to an improv show, waiting just until the show started that I didn't do things, but this actually works out great for me.

Hey, can I tell you all something I never shared with anybody before? Sure. Yeah, of course. What's up, Lukey? You know that you guys all have girlfriends, you know? When I'm married, I got married right before I left. Whoa! But I'm in a kissless marriage and I didn't kiss my wife before I came to this house.

Oh, Lukey, why not?

Oh, Lukey, how did you express yourself? Um, well, she was just basically, when we got married, she said, don't you ever put that dirty mouth near me! And I was like, okay. And then I just, that day, I walked into the recruiter and now I'm here. Wow.

Well, it is a dirty mouth. You ever thought about cleaning it? Yeah, now that I see this guy with these teeth, holy moly. I know. Those are incandescent. I mean, I thought you were going to roast that marshmallow before you ate it.

Yeah, what did you want to do with that marshmallow? I want to go back to that because you ate it, but okay.

It felt like you ate it quick. Yeah, so I'm sorry.

I thought you were doing something to show how bright your teeth were.

I hope you don't die, because you could be a blue man, man. Like, you could have people throwing marshmallows at your face.

Oh God, I hope Blue Man Group doesn't survive the war.

What else could we throw in Omaha's mouth?

I would give anything to see a sketch or a short film of the Blue Man group fighting in a war, pulling their little stunts and it's super dark though and one by one they're just killed on the beach.

Just drumming and just being shot to shit. Stop playing those pipes with the dead people sandals.

Everyone else is like, everyone else is like loading their guns and they're loading like a toilet paper cannon or whatever the fuck that they're like.

Still not speaking.

A great secret that I'll divulge to you and all the listeners is that those aren't marshmallows that they're throwing. What? What? Greg, hold on.

Did you audition for Blue Man Group?

Yes, I did.

Are you serious? Oh yes I did.

How many times?

Hold on, hold on. Don't joke, no joke. Did you audition for Lugo? Yes I did. Because you fit the height requirement because you have to be like 6'2 or 6'3. Yep. And you play percussion?

And I play percussion. And I learned, well I learned, I basically, I could play drums somewhat and I learned for the audition how to play all the, one of the beats is called Drumbone. So I learned how to play Drumbone for the audition. What are the marshmallows really? There are some marshmallows as they start, but you know how the guy is stuffing them all in his cheeks? They are little packets of cream cheese.

What the fuck? Holy.

I know, and I hate to drop this sort of shit on a comedy podcast, but I came to play.

Well, Greg, my boyfriend auditioned for Blue Man Group 2 because he's a drummer.

Sorry, Erin, I said something before the show. You're not dating Greg. Greg is married to Holly.

I'm all turned around. I don't know who the hosts are, but my boyfriend got cut. I don't know if you had to do this in your audition, but the first round of the audition was just them walking across the stage.

Yes.

He got cut that round. From the walk.

He didn't even get to drum.

That's brutal. He didn't even get to drum. Wow. It has haunted him every moment since then, being like, yeah, I do.

We have a friend too, our friend Matt Bratz, who also was a blue man for a hot minute. And he has a funny story about how the blue men told him, they fired him and they told him something really vague, like, you just don't have the blue man, like je ne sais quoi or something like that. And he was like, what? You're not blue enough. Like he had gotten all the way, he was doing shows, I think, and they were like, yeah, you just don't have it. You don't have the blue man spirit or ethos.

Wait, so does this mean that the guy who fills his mouth with the marshmallows, that he just has a full ass mouth of cream cheese?

Yeah, it's packed into his cheeks like a beaver with a birch.

That's horrible. That's so much worse than marshmallows.

This is wild because I auditioned for The Voice and I had a mouthful of cream cheese and... I made it three rounds in to the competition so it could work. It could work for people.

I feel like cream cheese would be harder to pack than marshmallows. I think it's because it really like you can get it up in there and it holds its form. Marshmallows are pushing their way back into your tongue and your your place where you got to catch it.

Okay well Greg I don't want... I promise I wouldn't fight with you on the podcast. As the 2013 Chubby Bunny World Champion, I feel differently. Marshmallows are porous, I believe. Would you rather have marshmallows in your mouth?

The Chubby Bunny World Champion should probably know if marshmallows are porous, correct?

Oh, tears up sash, rollerblades away. Maybe the saddest thing was that Adal got really mad that I would tread anywhere near his Chubby Bunny world champion brag. That's a pretty sad... Did you really win a Chubby Bunny? No, no, no.

I had never played that and then I saw maybe like 15 years ago or something. It must have been earlier because I was a kid when this happened. My mom was like, don't ever play this game. I think someone died. Someone like choked to death. Oh, many kids. Many died. Many have died. So I think my parents sat me down and they're like, there's this game called Jeppy Bunny. And I remember laughing and they're like, this is not funny. And I'm like, well, the name's funny. Let's all agree, please.

Yeah. Every time I've played it.

And I went and blew up myself with some Mentos and Mountain Dew.

Every time I played it I went, oh I get why adults tell you not to do this. Like when I play with my cousins growing up I'd be like, I'm right on the edge of death here. I see a light.

I just did what other kids did and I poured, I put a funnel in my asshole and poured pop rocks into it. How'd it go? Great! Didn't you won?

I think I found a new kink! I found one! You're all finding our kink, right? Everything. You gotta have your kink, man.

A real awakening here.

The answer to that riddle, which the riddle was perfect. I know we were doing a riddle. Perfect teeth without a face. I coax an army into place. And the answer is a comb.

Oh, okay. Okay, that works, but braces also I think work a little better, so. Thanks JPC. Yeah, braces is better.

Rook sent a bunch of riddles, so we'll get back to the rest of those in another episode, but thank you for everyone who submitted riddles, and those are all of our riddles for the day.

Yay!

They were great.

They were really good.

They were really great.

I'm so glad I got them all.

Well, nobody tell them, nobody tell them. Greg and Holly, what we will have you tell us is, do you have anything to plug? Please tell us all about MEGA and any other projects or anything you want to mention.

Ooh. Well, MEGA's about to go on Twitch and we'll start having live streaming shows as well, so that's very exciting. That's coming in October.

We think it's exciting unless we get bullied by a bunch of teens and then it's going to be really terrifying.

I know, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that they're just going to be like, can I see your ID? You got to get out of here.

Yeah, so yeah, just listen to Mega. Every single Sunday? And these folks we're all on. It's an improvised satire inside the world of a fictional megachurch. And I play an Australian youth pastor of Climax Youth Ministry. And Holly plays a real sweet Midwestern mom.

And Adal played a demon hunter or no, you were just kidnapping people.

I was a repossessor.

A repossessor.

That's right.

I love possessed people.

Erin was a matchmaker and then coming up. I don't know when this episode releases, but my episode's already out. Is JPC your episode's out?

By the time this comes out?

By the time this comes out, JPC is a guy who owns a storage facilities around town, but it's pretty clear that he might be starting a cult inside. Wait a minute, JPC didn't you work at a storage facility?

And their podcast is set in the place where I'm actually from, so I was very excited to do their show.

Whoa, that's crazy.

Yes.

Is it set in Indianapolis?

Yeah.

It's Bloomington, so yeah. Bloomington. A broad ripple. A broad ripple, so Indianapolis, yes. Wow.

Yeah, but we would love if folks listened and had a laugh, we don't ask any riddles except for spiritual ones.

That's true. It is so, so fucking funny. Please check it out. Erin, do you have anything to plug? Nope.

JPC, anything to applaud?

Sorry, Erin, could you make up something?

I have a new podcast. It's called Things I'm Gonna Google After This Episode. It's mostly gonna be about penguin sex, a little bit about McDonald's toys. Yeah, Erin and I are coming out with a new podcast called Line Up the Holes.

I do think there's something, Erin, I think you're dead on that there's something there. I think it would be very funny to do a podcast called History Search, and what it is is every week you get high or something, and then the next morning you take a screenshot of your search history, and then you talk about it on there.

I think I'll just walk through, yeah.

So look out for History Search.

It's called Rabbit Hole, and it's just me learning about rabbit sex and what all their holes are.

You just googled, can I stay high forever?

Yes, I hope- Hi foreverpossible.com.

JPC, do you have anything to plug?

Yeah, I mean like Greg and Holly said, my episode of Mega came out on Sunday. So you can listen to it now and then you can, if you've never listened to the show before, you can go back and listen to Erin's episode and then listen to Adal's and then say, why did I listen to these in reverse order? I should have just listened to them in the regular order. That's on you. You fucked up. You made a mistake. You live with it. Don't be coming to my house bringing that bullshit to me. That's on you. Adal, anything that you would like to plug?

All three episodes are bangers, man. They're bangers.

Yeah, I want to plug the new season of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Season four should be out now or close to. We also have, if you're still waiting for that, we have a new Patreon. You can check out patreon.com slash magic tavern. And then there's two podcasts I recently guested on that I want to mention. I was a guest on the Hitchhikers and Appetizers podcast. A little homage to Douglas Adams and his whole world. And then I was like, Big homage, right? And I was also a guest on the Backwater Bastards podcast, so please check both of those out.

Ooh, all right. We're going to have you on lining up our holes. You're going to be our first guest, brother.

That sounds like a golf podcast.

It could be. Some weeks it might be. We will. We get high on every hole.

And I will say, I know sometimes they call it a giant eye, but there is a certain planet that has a big hole. And this hole is how the planet gets sexually gratified. Erin, do you know what planet I'm talking about?

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Waka waka, kids.

So those are the things that we say in the episode.

It's like a bit of what a podcast would end an episode with, but it's real.

I was trying to think of like, what sums up Cracker Barrel? That game.

That game.

The peg game.

It's the pegs. And I always loved the things that really told you like, if you leave one, you're a genius. If you leave two, you're pretty smart. If you leave three, you're a fucking idiot. It was just like, you fell off the intelligence skills so fast.

That game taught me the word ignoramus.

Oh. You've used it ever since.

You've used it ever since. And I remember asking my mom and dad, like, what is, you know, like, ignoramus?

That's what you are, kid. And your mom said, honey, if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Yeah.

That game is Midwest SAT scores. Like, it's the test of your intelligence. You put that on college applications when you're from the West.

If you leave one, you get 1,700 on your SAT. It's the best score.

No, that game is just the ACT. That's the actual ACT.

I tore my ACT in high school.

That was a head gum podcast.