Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Sweater Help.

Stick to your note cards sweetie, stick to your note cards.

No, you already said that part. Sweater Help. It just shows me how to put a sweater on, not backwards. What's the deal with that? Oh is that what you did that one time? Put it on backwards? Erin no, we told you to go to betterhelp.com.

Oh! Yeah, betterhelp.com, Erin. It'll assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You can connect in a safe and private online environment. It's convenient and you can start communicating in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It is professional counseling done securely online. I guess I see what's going on here. I guess I'm getting a little taste of my own medicine, huh?

Yeah, really, I love therapy like this because it helps so much that I don't have to like wait a week to talk to my counselor. Whenever I'm feeling anxious, I can send a message to my counselor and they'll be back to me in no time at all.

Yeah and my thing is I enjoy therapy but hell for me as other people so I never have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room with all these other humans who are staring at me and judging me so it's nice to be able to do this online and you'll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions which for me is a lifesaver.

And they have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in things like depression, stress, anxiety, getting tangled up in your sweater. No, hold on, this is sweater help. That's only for sweater help. I'm putting your sweater on backwards. Again, that one's also for sweater help. All right, someone else go.

Don't do me a little bit of sweater help stuff.

Hey Adal, hey GPC.

I have a bone to pick up.

Oh, Erin, you do have to say this is a paid advertisement?

Oh, this is a paid advertisement and anything you share is confidential, convenient, professional, and affordable.

So I want you to get out of that sweater that you're wearing and start living a happier life today. And as a listener, you will get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

Hey Adal, hey JBC, I have a bone to pick with you guys. You told me to go to sweat- what?

Oh sweetie, lay down. Take a nap.

Did I start over? Yeah. I'm just really nervous for my- I hope I wanted to do good.

You're crying Gatorade.

That's normal.

That's normal.

The doctor was the mother. She stood on a block of ice. Oh, the ventricle! Finish! It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with the knife in the grave. Adal Rifai!

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Puzzbot's Corner. In this podcast, Puzzbot, myself, talks about all the programming and deprogramming I've received over the years.

Hey, Puzzbot?

Yes?

Bad news, there's a flood.

Oh no.

We gotta get you out of here. Oh no, my shoes will be ruined.

Puzzbot, we said at the last company meeting that you do have to email us 48 hours in advance before you initiate a Puzzbot bit on the show.

There was a company meeting?

You were there, I mean, who was taking notes? Hold on, let me look at these notes. Oh my god, Buzzbot, these notes are a mess.

Can I have a Hey Riddle Riddle t-shirt, please? What will fit you? Am I part of the team, yes or no?

God, yes, technically yes.

Thank you, Daddy.

And this flood is definitely real and not an excuse to just sort of get you to go outside. This is a real flood.

Are you sure the flood is not they might be Giant's initial album?

Do you know that name of their might be Giant's first album?

I believe it's flood. I could be wrong. Only Adal would get that reference and we can't have him and you here at the same time for obvious reasons. Guys, what are you talking about? I'm right here.

Oh, thank God. Hi, Adal.

Hi, Adal. Were you talking to someone? Something just scampered off.

That would be Puzbot.

It wasn't me because I'm JPC. I'm Adal Rifai.

And I'm Puzbot.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. And this is Hey Riddle Riddle. I mean, this is what a podcast about riddles, but we're also like improvisers.

That's kind of the premise, right? We are a fever dream about a book. In which one of the chapters is a podcast? Sure. That's a good way to think about it. It's kind of like the Bob Newhart show.

Oh, so I didn't get that because I didn't live in Minnesota, but I guess the Bob Newhart show took place in Vermont.

Hi, we're Hey Riddle Riddle and we're a restaurant.

And at this restaurant, we have two guests who are eating at the restaurant today.

How's that for a segue, huh?

Pretty good. I don't hate it.

Our guests are from the phenomenal podcast, Rood Tales of Magic, which if you haven't listened to, please immediately stop this and delete it. And check out Rood Tales of Magic. Please welcome to the show Carly and Branson, hello. Hello.

I just got a mouthful of spaghetti I'm eating at the restaurant.

That's how you yes and bitches. That is how you do it.

That's very, very good. Thousands of dollars at work. Hold on. Is our restaurant the puzzle factory? This sucks. The old, the old puzzle factory. The old puzzle factory?

There's just a lot of cheesecake with puzzle pieces in it.

Now Branson and Carly, I did not mention your last names. I didn't know that would be a gosh move. So if you want to say your last names, we're going to leave a three second window right now if you want to say your last names. Monardo! Reese! They did it.

Wow, okay. They crammed that in three seconds. Now, Adal, Adal's being coy, but the reason why he didn't mention your last names is because Branson, of course, when Adal sees Reese, he thinks Reese sees Cup. And then he starts drooling and he can't control himself. We did not want to be eaten up like a little snack. And then, of course, Carly, he thinks of the department store Menards. And then he goes into like his whole... Save big money. Save big money. I sell on Menards. And so we... We just can't have that on the show anymore.

Adal, what do you think of when you hear my last name? Don't say it.

Kweef.

Don't!

See, now, Erin, I think Kweef or Sutherland.

Aw, thank you. And I think Kweefler Elbs. Thank you! Thank God.

I love your cookies. Yeah, the Minnesota cookies.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh, you're Mark's favorite.

Before we get started, we have a question for the two of you. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems? Do you like them? Do you hate them? What's the deal?

Brin, do you want to start?

Carly, you got the much stronger opinion on riddles. I'll let you go first.

Well, so I didn't think I had a strong opinion on riddles until they were a part of Rood Tales.

Oh, yeah. And then I... Until my sister was dating one.

And it was just... It's shameful to admit, but I think it was like, oh no, oh, oh, I'm not good at this. Oh, I don't like, I don't like this. I'm not amazing at it. Um, like, I think the first time Riddles appeared on the show was like episode three. Hey Riddle. Riddle books or whatever a young lad has fun with and I just I had not and so I didn't like get any of the references and it's just like oh no I'm the dumb one. I'm the dumb one on the show.

It's in the bully starter kit with the slingshot you put in your back pocket.

Also interesting that Carly listed multiple other people on Riddles and Adal neglected to give any of them last names. Hmm.

Sorry.

You have three seconds to give all of their last names.

I want to say Bantana. And your brother, Ty, you're done.

Yeah. The Bantana Boys. The Bantana Brothers. The Bantana Brothers.

I got me a bantana. Yeah, so I just felt just intellectually left in the dust and I was like, I don't like this. And then it turns out that the character I play also is in Good at Riddles. I do like to blame her.

Wild how that works out. Love to break.

I like to blame her for it, but it's all me. And I feel like, Brad, I don't want to lay anything on you, but it does seem like it maybe was fun. To play with the fact that my character doesn't like riddles because we sure did see a lot of riddles.

Yeah, it was straight up mean-spirited. You know, bullying. Yeah, I bullied you.

Right on, nice. So yeah, so it just, it just became kind of like a little personal mythology, like, oh, I hate riddles. And I actually, I do, like I do, I don't like that they're trying to trick you. I like, I was, I was a really nerdy kid. I liked word problems. It was the only part of math that I was good at, but like these just feel like dishonest word problems to me.

I will say just to sort of ease your worries or calm your fears, I will say we're all very bad at riddles. And just because you're on this podcast, it's like if somebody asks you to prom and they say, Carly, we go to prom and you go, I can't do the splits. At prom, you don't have to know how to cha-cha. You don't know how to do the splits. You don't have to know how to waltz. You just go and you do your own thing and that's going to be enough because we're very bad at riddles. So this podcast isn't about solving riddles. It's about posing riddles and then trying to get off track as soon as possible. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Okay. Oh, that I can do. And it's about bullying each other.

I will say I didn't know that lateral thinking puzzles were a thing. And I thought they were just completely batshit riddles like like just really like if you if you hear a lateral thinking puzzle and you think it's a riddle and you try to answer it like a riddle it's just about the meanest trick I can think of to play on somebody but now I know this will be a treat.

Branson, what is your relationship with riddles?

Oh, they're bullshit. I didn't like them growing up because you get the little book that, you know, I was a boy. I got the little book of like the riddles that you got to read. And all of them are just like, ah, but what you didn't realize is something we didn't tell you. But she's like, fuck you. So I think that's funny. I also think like for Rood Tales because it's like, you know, it's like a fantasy D&D podcast. I think it's very funny that like baked into so much fantasy because it comes from Tolkien is two of the most bullshit riddles that there have ever been, which is what's in my pocket from the Hobbit, which like, fuck you. And then the penis. Yeah, by the way. And then the speak friend and enter like riddle puzzle to get in. It's like that sucks. And so it's like baked into all of like fantasy now and it's bad. It's bad from inception and I think that rules.

Now Branson, I have a question for you because I listened to the Riddle Guy episode that you did which was kind of the precursor to our episode and you are coming up with a ton of riddles in that episode. Were these things that you like went and found? Are these all like Branson Reese originals? What was your process with coming up with those riddles?

Oh God, I looked up like four riddles and then again, because I don't like them. I just read them and be like, fuck, just shut up. And I'd like close the tab and write my own. And it very quickly, it just turns into like. Well, who cares? There's no correct answer to this. They're going to say whatever. Like, you know, I would come up with like a joke answer. And then as soon as we started recording the episode, it was like, why did I do like, why did I bother coming up with an answer? There's no point because they're not going to say that. That's insane. Yeah. How would they pick the crazy thing that I thought about?

Did we ever come close?

No. It would have been insane if you did. All the answers were like, that is not so, or like a third thing that could not have been possible.

Yeah. Okay.

I will say that's a fantastic episode. I highly recommend it. And the one with us on it is also pretty good. It's a close second to the one without us. But one thing that I have to tell you too, because with answers like that, you're going to love this. We have decided on this show that 2021, this is the year that we love Riddles again. I'm in. It's episode 168. We've been doing this too long and we love riddles. So now we're all big fans of riddles. So take that baggage, go ahead and toss it out the window. You don't need baggage at prom. You never went to my prom.

We love riddles, but it's mostly just that we're numb now. We feel nothing now. Yeah, that feels right.

Ah, nothing is sometimes called the sweetest sensation. And in honor of Root Tales, which as Branson pointed out is a fantasy D&D podcast, we have a special treat for you today because we have a lot of listeners who have their own like, you know, homebrew D&D games, and they will submit riddles from those games to the podcast. And we've got some Dungeons and Dragons kind of esque riddles for you today.

Carly just started dismantling her computer piece by piece. She's like, I know.

I broke out into a hot sweat, not a cold one. It's like they're hot.

Carly was like, yeah, I thought I was on vacation from my podcast. Nope. Out of the frying pan and into the frying pan.

That's what our show feels like.

Out of the stir-frying pan into the frying pan.

Oh, please, candor to me.

Thank you.

Yes, there will be no break. It will only be a nightmare of Riddles on the show today. So let's get right into it. I think that that's what everyone really just truly wants to happen. So this is an email that we got from Mads, and Mads writes, It's a new horse. MadsRights, first off, wanted to say, thanks for all the genuine, embarrassing, out loud, in the campus library laughs you've given me that make my college life bearable. This email is from years ago, so I hope college went well for you. Again, we got a big backlog of these emails. This is from 2017.

Will you be my commencement speaker?

We're doing our best to get to a ball. It's just not always possible. Okay, so Mads writes along with letting you know how much joy you, Kevin, and Susie's bring me. I have a few riddles to send your way. I'm in the process of writing a D&D campaign. Again, this was years ago, so that campaign is probably, everyone's already lost interest in it.

This person is a professor at that college now.

Two weeks, yeah. Mads also says, please don't roast me, JPC, I'm sensitive and I am a big fan of your dog. We're all a big fan of my dog here. They have sent us riddles that appear to be from the video game Baldur's Gate 2. Did anyone play Baldur's Gate 2?

No.

I don't know what it is.

Well, I certainly did, so I'm at a huge advantage here. JPC, I don't want to be this guy, I'm so sorry. Are you mispronouncing boulder?

Yes. Oh God. And you don't want to be the guy, but we thank you every time you are. So there are 12 riddles here, and there's some context for the video game, but since none of you all played it, we can skip all of that. So here we go with these 12 riddles.

12 riddles?

12 riddles? 12 riddles?

By the way, Baldur's Gate, that's what Christ moved on Good Sunday.

I want to understand your peripheral knowledge of the Bible. Just tell me every religious story you know. I want to know where and how do you know it?

Can we please have a homebrew D&D campaign that's all Jesus Bible related? Exploring the caves that Jesus hid inside or whatever he did in there. It was like a dungeon crawl to get out.

Okay, no one here has read the Bible. None of us have read it. It's clear now.

I will say I'm at a huge advantage here because I have read the entire Bible. Are you serious? Hey, believe it or not, I was that atheist that went to the Catholic school that was like, I'm gonna read this whole fucking book. How about that? Okay, so here we go riddle number one. I can have no color though. There may be darkness within I have no weight and hold nothing and if placed in a container it becomes lighter. The sitcom friends.

I already forgot the beginning of this riddle.

That's not even going to help you. So throw that beginning right out. Adal, you said the sitcom Friends. If placed in a container, it becomes lighter. A container would be like your TV, like the lighthearted nature of the comedy.

That works, Adal. Is it helium?

Your excuse from class.

It's brighter, the light of the TV. Is it helium?

It is, Erin, that's a great guess. It is not helium. Is it a light thing that eats containers? You were really, I think, Erin, clueing into the no weight thing. I do think that helium might have weight, though. We just, it's so light. It's so very, very light.

Impossible to check.

It's impossible to check.

I would lose it on a scale. Well, you don't wait a balloon, it flies away.

Good luck. Did you know when you pop a balloon, it loses five ounces?

That's the soul leaving the balloon.

Could you read it again, JPC?

I absolutely can. I have no color, though there may be darkness within. I have no weight and hold nothing. And if placed in a container, it becomes lighter. Is it light? It's not light, but I think that... I don't know, because light's a good answer, except for that there may be darkness within.

Well the spectrum? I was thinking the spectrum. Is it a hole?

Branson, you have got it head on.

It is indeed a hole. Wanna know how I knew? It was an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Another thing I didn't watch.

They're in a car and I don't remember they're like speeding to like a they're gonna hit a wall or something like yeah I answer the riddle and the kid answers it.

I was going to joke and ask if they were speeding towards the wall and someone was like quick ass, but that's what it was.

I think I could be, I was like four when I watched it.

I don't remember a lot else. Unfortunately Branson, that is technically cheating and we do have to disqualify that answer.

But he told the truth. What was the second best answer?

Lesson learned. Friend. It was friends. So Adal wins that point. Here we go. Riddle number two. Of all your possessions, I am the hardest to guard. If you have me, you will want to share me. If you share me, you no longer have me.

Your heart.

Password. Oh, password, heart. These are both good answers. I like these answers.

Hole.

Yeah, it's got to be whole.

Good strategy.

I'm going all in on whole.

That's not your whole anymore once you've shared it. Those aren't the answers, GPC?

No, none of those are the answers. And I think that if you share me, you no longer have me. It's like a really strong clue for... Virginity.

I should share my Virginity with you.

Hey, do you want to go have these on my Virgin body? Go Dutch.

Is it a secret? I feel like a secret is a really good... Erin, you are correct.

It is a secret.

I didn't say it. Carly said it. No. I didn't say it.

Who said secret? I said it.

I said it.

I said it.

I'm... I'm... Secret kiss. I'm secret kiss? Casey said it.

Casey said it. Unfortunately... We'll never know. We don't know. There's no way to go back. This is a recording that only goes in one direction, so we won't know until it comes out who would actually answer this correctly.

I would like to see a scene.

Please.

Adal, you told Carly, who's your coworker, a secret and you're going to her desk to try to somehow get the secret back because you realized you maybe shouldn't have told anybody.

Hey Melissa, crazy weather we're having, right? Is this candy for everyone? There's cupcakes in the break room. Listen, I have to cut the small talk.

Oh wow, okay.

Remember that secret I told you?

Uh, you tell me a lot of secrets, Craig. Fuck.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Yeah. No, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Um, I mean, some of the secrets are about things that are wrong with you. Uh, what's up?

I need, um, I don't, I hate to do this, but I'm, I need that secret back. I need to, um, I know when you give a gift, it's like not yours to take back, but I need to, in this instance, I need to take it back.

Okay. Do you want me to write it down and give it to you?

I think that would be best, but I have to ask. This sucks to ask and I'm not trying to insinuate anything. Do you have it written down anywhere else?

Let me just get off this call real quick.

Oh my god.

Yeah, no, it's fine. Guys, hi. Pretend you didn't hear that. Okay, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Okay, but it's 2pm. Bye.

This is corporate. Now 14 people know I have a secret. What the fuck, Melissa?

But Craig, come on, you're like, that's what you're known for in this office. And I have to be honest, I would be really surprised if I'm the only person you told. Wow. Like, are you going around to Bob and Newhort and asking them if you can have your secret back or is this just like you don't trust me?

It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I'm trying to, if I told them, I'll check in with them, okay? Listen. My little brother's a pig, okay? And I need that information back.

You just told me again, I had forgotten which secret you were talking about and now I know you're- And we're all still on the call as well. Yeah, we're still here. Oh my gosh! I just didn't want to say goodbye to you guys. Okay, I'm hanging up for real now, okay? Okay, bye!

Melissa, what do you do here?

I take calls.

See? God, you never worked a job before? I take calls.

I'm going to take the calls.

All right, here we go. This is Riddle number three.

Three of twelve. Of twelve.

Alive as you, but without breath. As cold in my life as in my death. Never a thirst though. I always drink dressed in a mail, but never a cling. Ex-wife.

Say it again?

Does that rhyme? I think I fucked the meter up because of the line spacing, but I think that it- I think that it might as well rhyme. Might as well, right? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The first part definitely does.

Could you read it again?

Sure. Uh, alive as you, but without breath, as cold in my life as in my death. Never a thirst though. I always drink, dressed in mail, but never a cling.

So dressed in mail would be like chain mail, but it never clinks. So dressed in mail, it's like a postman. A man covered in letters? You know what your ghost?

A postman just governs himself with letters, right? Yeah. Because he loves the mail so much.

He's like, find yours!

And he's pointing to... I love going to the post office and entering into one of those like car dealership money booths where they just cover you in your mail and then you get to leave.

The thing about the post office too is everyone there loves mail so much. You can tell they just love their job.

Yeah, yeah.

Nothing, it smiles. All right, hold on. Now I want to see a scene. Okay, so we're all post office employees. We're all going to be playing post office employees. Erin, you're going to be bringing in one piece of mail to mail out, and everyone in the post office loves, loves mail.

Uh, hi, uh, I have to- Hi! Uh, uh! Hi! Wow, I didn't think someone would- Wow, okay, hi. Hi. You just popped up from behind the desk. Yes. I have to mail this letter. I'm Sue Beth. Hi. Hi. Hi. These are my friends.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Mail. Mail. Mail.

Oh my gosh. Sorry, I normally haven't, I just put it in the slot. My hands? Wow, okay. You're pulling my letter really hard out of my hands. Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd give it to me. I don't know how many stamps I need for this, so I was wondering if I could buy some stamps in there.

Can I take this? Can I take this? Hello? I'm post office Malone. Let's see here. We're gonna weigh this. Okay. Oh this needs... This needs four stamps and I have to ask you, I love to ask you, did you want flowers, flags, Betsy Ross, the city of Savannah, we have dinosaurs, we have troglodytes, we have microchips, we have Pringles.

A dealer's choice.

Oh, okay.

One of each?

Wow, very brave. One of each. We'll do a suicide.

We also have those. Yeah, if you want just a little bit of every pop. Oh, someone didn't put their return address on here.

Keeping it a secret. It's okay. This is a ransom note. Sure, sure, sure.

We're unconcerned with morality. We just love the mail.

We love mail. Actually, can you guys just like, I know that you're like, this is not part of your job, but can you open up and like tell me if it's legible? I just was cutting out magazine letters for hours now.

Mailman's Delight. Are you asking us to open a mail? Yeah, you don't have to. No one ever sends mail to a postman. That can't be true.

It's usually not a loud conflict of interest.

Yeah. They insist we don't get mail.

Well, if you just want to read it and let me know, you don't have to.

We're like house elves.

This is a dark place.

That's my understanding of how house elves had it. They loved what was happening to them. It's been a minute.

You know what? Forget, I'm gonna hand deliver this. Will you take a picture with us? Oh boy, sure. Wait, no, no, no, because I'm a criminal. No, no, no.

Oh, just of us. We won't tell?

Take a picture of us.

Yeah. Make it part of the ransom. Oh, that's good. Yes. You say you'll kill us or whatever.

And click. Oh, your phone broke.

Clicked. Ah, okay, yes. Oh, good news. We're still in that riddle. The riddle's on the riddle. Oh, good.

Something in that scene must have been the right answer. Come on.

Oh yeah, what did we say?

I don't believe any words that you said in that scene were the right answer.

Was it the city of Savannah?

No. I like this, as cold in my life as in my death. I think that that is a good... Ice. Bones. As I was in death. My ghost. It's not a ghost. Okay.

Oh, we've said ghost. It's a lie.

It doesn't breathe and it's cold.

And it's cold. Is it really alive or is it like... A plant.

That's a really interesting question. Is it really alive? I think so. I think it is. A guy.

It's not alive the way the hills are alive with the sound of music.

Now, see, I'm a vegetarian and I would not eat this because I'm like, this is too alive.

You're too virtuous.

Oh, honey.

A shrimp. It's honey.

First of all, I'm never going to live down that you guys watched me 50 honey-battered shrimp.

Yeah. So is it like an animal? And you're close with shrimp.

Yes. It's a sort of fish and it's cold. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. It is a fish. Oh, and is it a soup?

Yeah, it doesn't need to use it. It doesn't have lungs, right? It has gills and I always drink dressed in mail because those fish have scales.

Scale Mail is a type of armor in Baldur's Gate 2. I want to see a scene. Branson, you are a father fish. You are a son fish. Branson is your dad. And Branson is a bit of a cold dad. And you're catching up together.

Yeah, so I just got a new job down at the school, which is great because that's pretty much the only, you know, place for fish. I suppose so, yeah.

Us both being fish. Yeah. Sorry, I just, I don't know, I feel like we never bonded because the mortality rate of fish babies is so high, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I mean... It's weird to bring up all of my dead brothers and sisters. I just showed up and everything. But yeah, yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, truthfully, I got this new job and I just was like, you know, since I know that you taught for so many years that you would maybe be proud of me because I kind of been trying to follow in your footsteps. Absolutely. And that was a good guess for how I would feel for sure.

Okay. I brought you something. Oh, interesting that you thought you had to do that. I would love to see what you think I want.

So this is a little piece of tinfoil that I found on the ground. And this is like a dull hook with a little bobber on it. A little bobber?

Yeah. Now the doll hook, of course, is of no interest to me. And there's no reason it would be. Because for me, my life, you got to understand, my life having kids did that, swimming around, do that constantly, or I die, and eating. Those are my three big things. And I taught. It's hot at the school. It's a different life. I'm interested in this. I love the little bobber. The dull hook is not so interesting to me. I'm sorry, is there something on that dull hook?

Well, I didn't know if that would be interesting to you, but I guess there's a little piece of nightcrawler on there.

Well, that's great. I don't know if you know this about me. One of my main things I love to eat, big eater.

Oh, that's right. Do you eat Nightcrawler? Well, the hook's dull, so there's pretty much no way. Bam! You're gonna get... And it's gone.

It's gone.

See? Oh, no. It was that kind of Nightcrawler. Took me a second. Took me a second. The little guy? Who played Nightcrawler in X2? Alan Cummings. That's right.

Weird choice. I think they saw him in Cabaret and they're like, that's our nightcrawler. He's German.

He was also the villain in Spy Kids.

That's true.

Is that the first thing I've said in like 20 minutes? I feel like I haven't heard my voice in a second and I was like, I think I came out of the woodwork on that one.

Erin, now that you're on a bit of a vocal tear, do you mind taking us to break?

I would love to. I'm loving listening to the sound of my own voice. Even now, still, I'm still talking, loving it. Gonna talk the whole break. We will see you after this short break.

Oh my god, hey you two, are you hanging out in front of this school? Yeah, we go to this school sir, how can we help you? Yeah, I wanted to tell you, well you're adults, you're not kids, I wanted to tell you adults about something I like that's kind of keeping me rocking and rolling. Yeah, we're teachers here at the school to clarify. Oh cool, here at Riddle High? Riddle or die? Hey can I drop the voice for a minute? Sure, we'd love you to. I'm a John Travolta impersonator and the only way I get through the day and the week is by taking feels.

Yes, I take Feels. I love Feels. I put a little bit under my tongue right before bed, and it helps so much with stress, because Feels is a better way to feel better. It's premium CBD that will keep your head clear and help you feel your best.

Absolutely, and I was new to CBD. I'd never taken it before, but Feels offers a free CBD hotline to help guide your personal experience, which they did for me, to help me get exactly what I needed.

Do you mind if I try? Take a drop under my tongue. Joining the Fields monthly membership makes your self-care easy. You save money on every order, Sandy, and you can pause and cancel any time. Who's Sandy?

Wait, let me try some. It ships directly to your doorstep only a few days. Sandy?

Fields does not make you talk like John Travolta. Fields will not make you say Sandy. These three people are insane.

Start feeling better with feels. Become a member today by going to feels.com slash riddle and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's F-E-A-L-S dot com slash riddle R-I-D-D-L-E to become a member and get 50% automatically taken automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. Feels dot com slash riddle.

I think I just broke my leather jacket.

We can't finish that word.

Can't finish that word. Can't finish that word. Sustain. Sustain. Erin, JPC, what happened this weekend? I was looking everywhere for you guys. Oh, you know, we were just kind of hanging out. We had a really relaxing weekend, very chill. I told you guys I bought us all tickets at McCormick Place for Raycon, the Ray Romano convention.

And you two didn't show up. Uh oh buddy.

You two kept talking how great Raycon is and I looked it up and I went to McCormick Place. It was just me and Brad Garrett. Oh, so Raymond didn't make an appearance at the Raycon?

Wow, a lot to unpack there.

Adal, my man, we were not talking about Raycon, which by the way I am going in 2022 because I heard really great things, we were talking- I'm going as a journalist. We're talking about Raycons and the new everyday earbuds that look, feel, and sound better than ever.

Oh wait, right Garrett's here. Everyday earbuds. Thanks Brad.

Wow, and I guess Brad Garrett can't stick around, but if he could, he'd probably also tell us about the all-new Awareness Mode for when you need to listen to your surroundings instead. And also, Raycons have eight hours of playtime and a 32-hour battery life.

Oh, actually, he can stick around. He's staying with me.

Oh, boy. A lot to unpack there. There's also a built-in mic, and you can take calls in your earbuds at the press of a button.

Well, that sounds amazing. I want those. I don't want to be hanging out here with Brad Garrett anymore.

Yeah, I assume that you're going to want these just to kind of drown out the noises that Brad Garrett makes. And Raycons start at half the price of other premium audio brands, but they sound just as good and they come with a 45-day happiness guarantee.

You should try to do that with Brad Garrett if you can.

I asked him. He doesn't come with a guarantee. Brad, no, that's my grass. Stop eating that.

He does come with a guarantee though, right? That's something that he says? He has one t-shirt and he asks you to wash it when he comes over.

Right now, Hey Riddle Riddle listeners can get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash riddle. That's buyraycon.com slash riddle to save 15% on Raycons. Buy R-A-Y-C-O-N dot com slash riddle.

Wait, I'm using these Raycons and they're amazing. They feel so comfy in my ear. They sound great. Brad, do you have anything to add? Everybody loves Raycons.

Okay, Brad. And just in case legal says that we can't say that, would you just give us like another original line that you do?

Okay. Buy these earbuds.

Okay. We're all good, Brad. We're all good. We're all good.

I guarantee you'll like these Raycons. Better. Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Alright. I know, canonically we may have made an explanation for why I don't do these anymore but I am back to doing these. So, you know I told you guys that I'm really hungry but I don't really have time to like do a bunch of shopping at the grocery store and I was looking for like a more simple solution and that you guys told me to just eat a bunch of yellow mesh? Well my doctor pulled all that yellow mesh out of my stomach. He said it's destroying my intestines.

We didn't tell you to order any yellow mesh. We told you to listen to John Tesh while eating Hello Fresh.

Yeah that's what John Tesh's music sounds like. Oh, this makes so much more sense. Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit. And fall is so busy, but Hello Fresh recipes save you time. You'd otherwise been meal planning, shopping, and chopping so you can get back what matters, which is me getting the scheduling appointment to get all this yellow mesh taken out of the stomach lining.

I'm so sorry to hear. Can you at least turn it into a mesh tank top? I can. Oh.

I think you should just start double checking while we email you.

Maybe, maybe, who knows, who knows. What I do know is that HelloFresh offers 50 menu items and market items to choose from every week, from vegetarian meals and calorie smart choices to extra special gourmet options. There's something for everyone to enjoy with recipes designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity and no poisonous mesh.

Finally, I'll also say I ordered my mom HelloFresh. I've been sending it to her for about eight months now, and she is obsessed. She will literally every week send me a picture of her meal and be like, this was delicious. If you ever see Patricia Stuckey walking around Illinois, please ask her about HelloFresh. And if you ask me about HelloFresh, I also partake. I also make it and eat it and love it. Just today for lunch, Gemma and I had apricot almond and chickpea tagine with zucchini, basmati rice, and shermoula. Now Chermula you might think is talking about Cher the Musician's money, Chermula, but it's actually something that I don't know what it is, but it's very tasty.

Adal, I have that in my fridge right now and I'm looking forward to it. It's very good.

Can I tell you my favorite part about HelloFresh?

Please, Erin.

It makes your house smell so good. I know that it doesn't require a lot of cleanup and it saves you a bunch of money, but the number one reason to go for HelloFresh is it makes your house smell divine.

Also, they have a bunch of add-ons that I'll get, which is like charred tomatoes with ricotta and bread and yum yum yum, please get that.

So forget eating mesh that you find at a construction site that might be the site of an active chemical spill. And go to hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14 and use code HeyRiddle14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. That's hellofresh.com slash HeyRiddle14. Oh, my mom just sent me a picture.

Oh, okay. Oh, it's not the food. It's, um, what is that?

Oh, it's some sort of... Mesh. It's yellow mesh.

Yellow mesh. Oh, mom, no. I talked to your mom too often. It's my fault. And we're fish. I mean, we're fish from break. I mean, we're back from fish. I ate 50 more honey shrimp.

We got to get through all 12 of these riddles.

You know, when I opened this, I was like, oh.

I think it's the next person's riddles.

Yeah.

Yeah. When I was thinking about it, I was like, oh, there's like 12, like, warm-up-y riddles. I was like, oh, we'll breeze past that. We've never done 12 whole riddles on the show before, on one episode? Yeah. What was I fucking thinking? We do it every Hanukkah.

Is that right? No. Eight crazy nights, 12 awful riddles.

How many- And a cartridge and a pear tree.

How many six does a menorah hold?

I'm only prepared to answer wrong questions about Jesus. I'm sorry. Alright so here we go. I am free for the taking through all of your life, though given but once at birth. I am less than nothing in wait. But will fail the strongest of you if held. That one definitely does not run.

Breath. Oh damn Carly. Carly got it.

Remember that episode? Yeah you're good at these.

Wow. Although Virginia applies. Yeah, virginity also applies. So Carly got that both ways. If this was chili, it would have cheese and spaghetti.

I want to see a scene. Please. Erin and Carly, you two are on a date. Carly, you keep bringing up your virginity, trying to lose it. And Erin, you either aren't catching on or you don't want to catch on.

So I would split maybe a couple things.

Oh, yeah, that sounds fun. Yeah, awesome. Yeah, so we can... I love the idea of giving something to you.

Oh, that's really sweet. No, I mean, I'm happy to pay. I asked you out. I'm so glad that you were able to make it. I'm just excited to get to know you. I'm really excited. So what were you saying about your siblings? You have siblings?

We don't have to talk about them. I'm a virgin. Oh. Yeah. And I'm not ashamed. In fact, I'm excited.

How do you feel? I'm going to tell you what I told you when you said that, when I picked you up. Yes. That's no problem. It is like probably the eighth or ninth time you've mentioned that this evening. Nine times lucky? Sure.

Hey everybody. I'm sorry to interrupt. My name is Dave. I was going to be your server. I overheard the last maybe 30 seconds of this conversation just right over to my manager and quit. So good luck tonight.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm going to lose my virginity. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. No imposition. Just wow.

It's out there. I think I might be cursed because the last like three first dates I went on the waiter quit mid meal.

Oh no. First times are tough. Is that what we're talking about?

Here's the thing. Yes. I would love the potatoes, but I'm like, do I just want to get sides? Should I get a full meal?

Now I have a question for you. Is potatoes a sex thing because I've never had it.

Hey everybody, I'm Todd. I guess I'm going to be your waiter. I was a busboy, but I got promoted. Our specials today are an alcohol-less daiquiri. We also have extra, extra olive oil. And a baked cod with Heimin-layin salt on it.

I think you should quit.

See you then.

That's horrible.

I love telling you when.

Todd sucks.

Hell is that phrase.

Hell is Todd. Hell is Todd. I think you should quit is a great thing to tell your server.

One time at Chili's, our waitress quit mid-meal.

Oh no, she wasn't having a bad time. It was awesome.

Yeah, but it was really, but we hadn't gone on our food yet and she sat down and she started telling us all the terrible things about Chili's and she was like, do you know that we only wash the dishes once a week? We bring them outside and we wash them with a hose.

You're like, awesome!

Did you quit too? I also had a waiter quit out of Chili's the day before New Year's Eve. We had already had our meal and they walked over to our table and they were like, hey, just want to let you know. I just fucking quit. I'm leaving. And then we were like, oh, okay. Okay.

That's amazing.

So it seemed like she didn't really enjoy her time at Chili's and God bless her. More power to her.

I gotta say you can tell that's a good person because they informed you they were leaving versus like storming out. They were thoughtful enough to stop and be like hey don't think I abandoned you. Here's the situation.

It kind of felt like it wasn't us that did it, so we got the courtesy of like nothing against you.

It wasn't the four of you guys who are being very funny at this Chili's. Can you imagine selecting the food on the menu that unlocks like the Manchurian candidate in them?

I'm out of here.

Enough is enough.

Calamari activated.

Four clean plates.

Okay, here we go. This is the face five or the fifth of these riddles. You don't get to know why face five is important because you never played Baldur's Gate 2. I have holes throughout from back to front and top to bottom to core. Casey mute, Carly. More nothing than something within, and yet I still hold water. Sponge.

Oh, nice one.

I'm sorry, Branson, you did not get it. Erin, you're right. It is a super wet honeycomb.

I'll get you guys.

My favorite cereal is me want a soaking wet honeycomb.

Sponge makes more sense.

Sponge makes more sense.

Yeah. OK, next one. Wait, Sponge was the right answer? If Sponge was the right answer, Branson nailed it. Oh, I rejected it.

I think it should be soaking wet, honey.

I want to see a scene. This is going to be Carly and JPC. JPC, you are playing a brand new character called Sponge Jeff, regular pants. Um, who's kind of like just an asshole. He's not lovable. He's not meant for kids. Um, and Carly you are, um, or JPC you're pitching this character to a network and Carly you're the network executive taking this pitch meeting. Got it. Sure.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you again for taking, uh, for taking this meeting. Um, yours, your fucking receptionist spilled all of this sauce on me. Oh. I wasn't drinking sauce in my car before the meeting.

Okay.

It was your receptionist. They were having like sauce for lunch or something.

They should be fired. Well, thank you so much.

Are these waters for everyone here?

Yes, they are. You can use them to dab if you're feeling nervous.

No, I'm just going to take a drink.

I feel like I'm picking up on some nervous energy from you, so I just want to like... It's excited energy. Yeah, okay, sure.

I'm so prepared for this meeting. I'm so prepared for this meeting.

That's terrific.

I want to work for Cartoon Network. I mean, I want to be co-workers with you. Well, this is Nickelodeon, so... Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm saying, right? They're bastards over there. I want to go there and sabotage their whole operation. Burn it to the fucking ground, right? We'll stab them, huh?

Well, the best way to do that is with excellent programming, so why don't you tell us your idea?

So, we all know about SpongeBob SquarePants, right? Huge hit for us. Huge hit for you.

Yes.

But the pants are all wrong, huh? What if the pants are just regular?

Oh.

I'm talking about completely normal pants. Pants that I swear to God fit yesterday. The fact that they're busting off at me right now is I think you're a goddamn receptionist when she was out there drinking that sauce. I think she put a curse on my pants.

You know, you should be nice to Tina. She's had a hard time of it lately. I've had a hard time with her lately.

I guess I should be nicer to her. She just had some maniac screaming at her covered in sauce. So she's had a hard day.

Yeah, it happens more than you think. So tell me about these pants.

Can I be honest with you?

Sure. I thought you were.

I know you're not going to buy this idea. It's a bad idea. I'm covered in sauce that I was obviously drinking in my car. My whole car is covered in the sauce as well. You can see it from the parking lot. I know you're not going to buy this. I know you're not going to buy this idea.

Well, I mean, I feel like we haven't really given it a fair shake yet.

Okay. Should we shake on it?

No, that's not what I'm saying. You promised to buy it? Knock, knock, knock. I'm sorry to interrupt your meeting. No, please do. Craig's brother is a pig. Just like some office secret that I'm supposed to... Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I did not hang up that call.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

What the fuck?

Can you believe that Tina just walked in here and shit my pants? Save.

I like the visuals. So much spilled sauce you can see it.

That's too much sauce for a single serving.

Oh man, that's the kind of guy I would love to be cornered into a conversation at a library. Yeah, that's where you do it. They say you're supposed to be quiet here, you can be loud as you want, and you can Google whatever.

The sky's the limit.

Okay, they flow and leap, but only as you pass. Dress yourself in darkest black, and they are darker still. Always they flee in the light, though without the sun, there would be none. Ma's? A shadow! Erin, you are correct. It is Ma the sun. Everything's on a delay in my headband, so I don't know what's happening.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are a man, and Branson, you are his shadow. And it's sort of like an odd couple situation.

Cool.

Well, I'm going to head out for the night. You coming with? Well, if you were going during the day, I would.

Why don't we stay in here where you got a light on?

No, I'm not falling for this again. I want to go out.

It's not a trick. If you take me out at nighttime, I die.

This again? You're being dramatic.

I'm not, you, look, look, look, you just stay inside. I'll, I'll, hey, I'll do everything you do. Same as always.

Okay. You answered me this and I'll, I'll answer me this and then I'll make my decision. Sure. When I, when, when it's nighttime. Sure. Stop doing what I'm doing, please. I can't help it. You're making fun of me. You're making fun of me. I'm not making fun of you. I mean, I mean, I, maybe sometimes or right now I'm being sincere. I'm trapped. Where do you go during the daytime or I'm sorry, where do you go during the nighttime? I'm sucked into a void. Are you still, can you still think?

Can you still talk? I feel everything. Is it pain? Is it hurt? I'm sucked into mother night. Yeah, it's terrible.

Shadow, come back to bed. Oh, Mike, you're still here.

Oh, God. Who the fuck is this?

Look. Look, I can fucking play.

You're your wife, asshole. I'm your wife, bitch. You don't even recognize me?

Are you fucking my shadow? Are you fucking my shadow?

Um, yes. I'm making love to your shadow.

He can do all the same things you can do, but he's way cooler and way nicer. Oh, I need you to decide right now. Okay, Shadow, here we go. Tomato. I choose your wife.

You say tomato, I choose your wife.

I say your wife. Tomato, your wife.

I got great news for you guys. I skipped ahead through the rest of these riddles. They were all really good. But if you answered all 12 of them, the only thing that you got was a ring of regeneration, which isn't really going to be that useful to you anyway. So we are going to move on to some that have been sitting in my inbox for way too long. Real quick, was Moths correct in that? No, it was indeed the thing that Erin said, which is shadows. Oh, you're making fun of me. Okay. I like to bully and I like to... I go by Japes and I like to... Jape. Love that big bully fan. Big bully fan. Branson gets it. Yeah, I know. Okay, so these next ones are from Loxley and their pronouns are they them. And Loxley says, Hey you crazy kids, I started GMing a monster hunting game in a D&D-esque world recently and wrote a few riddles to lead my players toward what creature they would be facing next. And then they included as a postscript. I just remembered that Adal and JPC play D&D, so the only one who might not get them is Erin. Exactly. So what these riddles are meant to do is they are meant to introduce you to a creature that you might face in a Dungeons & Dragons monster campaign, like monster hunting campaign. So I'm going to give you the riddles. I also pulled pictures of these creatures that I can use as clues. I don't think that will be helpful for most of you.

Before we start, just so I have What are the things that are like a big rectangle with a face in the middle and they have spikes and they drop down when you run underneath them?

A thwomp.

Thank you.

Alright Carly got it. So the first one's out. Thank you Loxley. Four more remain. Here we go. Here's the first one. For this riddle, I am the answer. For askers, I am the ender. Mother sugar? Mother sugar.

Is that the 7th heaven theme?

It is.

Everyone has a nosebleed for that melody coming back to our head.

I do want to say that Carly, you're not going to get any of these riddles, but you are going to get all of my 7th heaven theme based riddles.

Hell yeah.

Did they write this riddle? They did. They did indeed write this riddle. They did indeed write this riddle. Unclear if their players ever heard these riddles or reacted to them in a positive way. But they did.

These are all originals from Loxley. I'd like to see a quick scene. Oh, please. This will be Branson and Erin. Branson, you are the sort of bouncer, if you will, of 7th Heaven. Erin, you're in 6th Heaven, and you've been there a while. You're getting bored, and you're going to try and make your move.

Hey, my friend's in there.

Yeah, I just need to see your name.

Oh, yeah, but like I'm with someone who's in there already. So I can see her like, hey, Carmen.

Kerman?

Yeah, Kerman Kerman.

I'll check Kerman and see if there's a plus one for Kerman.

Yeah, like look behind you. That's my friend.

Right. I'm looking behind me. I'm seeing delighted people.

Yeah. That is Kerman. I am there plus one.

Do you have a last name?

You're handsome.

Thank you. I get that awful lot.

Oh my God. What's that behind you?

Oh, it's probably the 7th Heaven that I guard. Do you have a last name? There's a number of Caramans on the list.

Oh, yeah, yeah. My last name is Caraman.

Caraman Caraman.

Yeah.

Their last name is Caraman or your last name is Caraman?

Yes. I see. I see how you bonded. I'm going to be sick. I should use the toilet in 7th Heaven.

Well, sure. The 6th Heaven toilets, they work just fine and they go down to 5th Heaven.

Excuse me, I need to get to the front of the line here. Rockapella here for Cairman, San Diego.

Absolutely.

Thank you. We've been expecting you.

I don't know if I want to go into 7th Heaven if Rockapella is there.

Well, it's a big day. Their bus went off a cliff. That's why they're all here together.

And we screamed in harmony.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. I'd like to get in. I'm Happy the Dog. One of the leads of 7th Heaven. Sure. Sure. Who could forget Happy the Dog? Right this way. All right. I'm gonna do Coke.

Yeah, I'm with Happy. Here I go. Walk again.

Sure thing. I just don't see a plus one for Happy.

I'll let you in. Let me in. I'm actually God. And this is a test. And you're counseling.

You're God? I'm failing by doing my job correctly.

Yeah, it's a test. You're failing. I'm God. This is undercover boss. And I'm God.

Excuse me. Pardon me. One for Todd, please. Todd? Yeah.

Yeah, there's enough Todds on here. Come on in. Thank you. I'm a waiter at the restaurant. I don't need to know your life story.

I'm Todd as well.

You're Todd?

Todd.

Todd Cairman.

Cairman, Cairman, Todd. Todd. Let me in. I'm God. I'm God.

You're a lot of people.

Actually, I'm the bouncer here.

What?

Ah, yeah. And I'm the bouncer here and you're trying to get in.

Well, then who will I?

Oh, you're not on the list. But what's my name? Cairman.

Wait, my name. There's nothing but Cairman's on here. I should be able to walk right in.

Your name is... What's that behind you?

Seven heaven. I feel like this is the new, I think you two just created the new who's on first.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

We're gonna be very rich. For the rewarded sense.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, one thing that you're not gonna be is successful solvers of this riddle, unless we get a little bit more effort. Nope. So we have the riddle again. Beside running water, I fear nothing. For this riddle, I am the answer. In fairy tales, I am the asker.

For askers, I am the ender. So in fairy tales, the asker, is this like a sphinx or something? That's not a fairy tale though.

No, you're close, but you're right, that's not really in the realm of fairy tales.

Oh, is it like a leprechaun or a fairy or something? I don't fucking know.

Like a rumpelstiltskin?

Yeah. No, but I'm sure fans of Dungeons and Dragons, monsters, maybe will be like, yeah, a rumpelstiltskin, that's a challenge rating 14, it's almost fucking impossible to fight a rumpelstiltskin.

I'm a level 5 Riddle. It just shrugs off any battle. Okay.

Can you give me a hint?

I do have a clue. I do have a hint. And the hint is a picture hint. So I will flash this on the screen for everyone to see. This is the... This is your hint for this role.

It's a picture of Adal.

Wow.

Got him.

Oh, a troll!

Carly, you are correct. That is a troll. So they say, beside running water, trolls live under bridges and in fairy tales, trolls will ask you to riddle to get across the bridge.

I gotta say to this riddle I am the answer in the riddle is a beautiful move. You get nothing new from it. You get nothing from it. It's a clue that can perfectly slot in anywhere.

The answer to this riddle is the answer to this riddle. One night I was really drunk at Little Dom's and I tried to fuck Jeff Bridges. I had to answer so many riddles.

The worst. The worst. He was just trolling you. Okay, this is Riddle number two. Your sight is my strength. Your taste is my pleasure. Your touch is my attack. And your trash is my meal. This is a creature that you might encounter.

Oscar the Grouch.

Yes. Dungeons and Dragons game. Mimic? No. Dopelbanger. Yeah, we're naming good creatures. This is a good start. Vampire.

This one's for morph.

No, it's not. It is not a vampire. It is not a wharf, which is from Star Trek.

No, morph the X-Men.

Yeah, the normal thing to say.

I want my answer to be honored.

Well, there's also wharf go fishing.

Yeah, I'm sorry, the only X-Men that we order on this show is Nightcrawler.

He loves Canadian national parks.

So, your trash is my meal, your taste is my pleasure, your touch is my attack. I would say that this is going to be very hard to get. So I'm comfortable with just showing you a picture of this thing and then you can tell me if anyone knows what this thing is called.

That's why I got the last one. That's true.

Carly's one for one on these. Although that troll was like sexy, right?

Am I crazy?

Not troll standards for sure. I googled fuck troll. Compared to like a dog, it's like going to a hospital.

That was a sexy ass troll. Okay, here's your clue for riddle number two.

A square. A gelatinous cube.

Whoa, yeah. Carly crushing it. Carly is crushing it.

I'm really good at looking at pictures.

Carly, have you encountered a gelatinous cube before?

In our show, my character's love interest, Bello. I gotta frame it in terms of me. Sure, sure, sure. His whole city was destroyed by a gelatinous cube.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so your site is my strength. The gelatinous cubes are nearly invisible if they're not moving. Your taste is my pleasure. It tastes you, I guess, is the pleasure there. And then the trash is your meal. And DnD Lore, one of the reasons why they're like dungeons are always so clean is because gelatinous cubes are kind of like little trash compactors.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, that's lovely.

So they're like fantasy Roombas?

Exactly. Now, if your Roomba could also eat you, yes. It would. It would. It would. It truly would.

Mine ran over my foot once and I thought it's literally not supposed to do that. I'm getting an idea. I could just turn my foot as a real thing.

I think I want to see a scene.

Oh, please.

Okay, I want... Erin and Branson, you guys are a couple who... Branson, you just bought a gelatinous cube instead of the Roomba that Erin thought you were going to buy for the house.

Okay, so hear me out. This one's free. No charge.

Okay. Our guests are going to be here in like 25 minutes.

And the house will be spotless.

Okay. I trust you. I mean, I'm sure it's going to work out fine and great. Where's the cat?

Oh, uh, gone.

Gone where?

Inside. Inside the cube. No more, no more mess.

Our whole cat is gone?

Whole cat is in, well not gone. It's right there. It's inside the cube. Now it can never run away.

Honey, it is, it's sucking up all of our furniture.

Okay. Well, we're downsizing. We had too much furniture anyway. Where, what's the thing with it's, uh, we're, we're minimalists.

Okay, honey, you're doing that thing where you make a mistake and then you try to convince me that it's the best thing that's ever happened to us.

I don't think. And if I was to do a thing like that, that would rule.

Remember when we got lost? We got lost.

It was a turbo hike.

Yep. And then another time, we were supposed to go on a vacation to California. We were in Virginia. And you tried to tell me that that was actually meant to be way better.

There's some very, it's for lovers. And there's a lot of history there. We saw the natural bridge. We saw LeRae Caverns and Centerville, Virginia.

Okay, so I feel like you brought a horrible magical object into our house that's going to suck us up and perhaps kill us.

Well, it'll certainly kill us if it sucks us up, but that's the thing. It keeps us active, it keeps us moving, so we can't, you know, a sedentary lifestyle is in a lot of ways- I want you to admit you're wrong.

Ding dong.

Look at me in the eye.

Yeah, look at me in the eye. And just say, I was wrong.

But you were wrong. You were wrong to tell me.

You can hear us.

We're having a fight.

This door is of no use. We're having a fight. Give us a sec. Repeat after me. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back after starting a life with my shadow. How's it going?

I just want you to admit that you were wrong and I will come back into that. What? I know that I left you for your shadow. You left me for my shadow. Exactly. You were wrong. And that was rude. That hurt my feelings.

Baby, who is it?

Is that my shadow?

Oh yeah. Sorry dude. Are you mimicking me? Your wife chose me. Her. Shadow. Same. Dan hooking up with your own shadow and he's got a cool voice like that. I mean that's the move.

Erin said she'd fuck her own clone so I'm sure you're super shadow.

I said I would kiss my clone. Thank you. And that's what self-confidence is.

I'd fuck my clone.

There you go. I wouldn't. How come?

Are you kidding me? Oh, you wish.

You should be so lucky. I'd fuck Branson's clone, no questions. Wait, that wasn't the question. Okay, we have time for one more of these, so I want to get through this because I would know this creature on site and I'm eager to learn if anyone else would. I am always a few steps ahead of the others, but they don't see my success even if my many arms take them with me. I will say that, I mean that's kind of really hard. It's a really hard thing to get. It's not the beholder. Is this a displacer beast?

It's not the beholder. Ooh! Branson! It's a displacer!

Branson! Damn!

Damn dolls!

I run a game for kids and they requested a displacer beast. Nice. Wow. And it fucked my life up. They're so confusing.

Yeah, they basically, where you see them, they're like actually like six feet away, like they're in a different place. So they have little arms that they try to grab you with. They're very scary. They're like squid panthers. I want to see a scene.

Branson, I'm gonna propose this scene and I want you to tell me if you're comfortable with it. If you don't want to do it, we can do something else. Sure.

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention everybody gets a pass.

You get three passes. So Branson, I want you to play the DM. Basically yourself DMing a kid's game. Is that okay? Or is that going to be traumatic? Okay. So Branson is going to be DMing a game for kids. JPC, Erin, and Carly, you will be the three kids. And you are testing Branson's last nerf.

This feels cruel.

Alright. Okay, so roll for spaceship, I guess.

My terrain is loose. I brought my tarantula on its list.

You brought a real one? Wendy! Wait, hold on. You guys all have pets in game too that I have to keep track of. Is this the pet tarantula or the real one?

Both.

Okay. Everyone, let's just stand on those chairs. And if we see it, let's just give a little holler, okay?

What if we feel it?

Just give a holler. They don't bite. Can I have another wheelchair Pepsi? Yeah.

My mom only lets me have one. Okay. Well, there's no limits when I DM. And if your parents are listening in, then I take it back.

Are you alone?

What do you mean?

Do you have anyone in the world or are you alone?

Oh, I, uh, I, I, Oh, oh, okay. We got it. You found the tarantula. No, I hate to think of you being alone. Well, it's so nice to know you kids have my back. I'm doing okay.

You guys don't need to worry about me. Let me scream. I opened the fridge to get a wild cherry Pepsi and everything in your fridge smells really spoiled. That's probably gone bad.

This is what I get for this time. I invited the kids over for the D&D.

I just remembered ghosts exist.

Well, they don't. So your luck.

Libby. Ah, you're alone.

I'm not, not alone, not alone.

You have alone vibes.

I've been told it before. Why does your bed have one top sheet and no fitted sheet?

Yeah. I think the folding them is a whole thing. So remember, we're trying to roll for spaces here.

Do you want me to show you how to do hospital corners?

I don't, because I've learned how to do it and I don't care.

Do you know why I teach you how to shave?

If you guys wanted the, honestly, yeah. Do you know why I know? Why do you know the hospital sheets?

Because my mom lives in the hospital.

And I did know that because I would be primarily interacting with your parents. So I knew that and we're all rooting for her.

I just tried to set you up with my cousin via email. I took a photo of you and she said no.

Okay, via email. Okay, next time, just let me know and I'll give a smile. So I won't be mid-sentence.

She said no. She said he doesn't know how to shave.

Doesn't know how to shave? Well, this way, you kids could help me out here. I think, honestly, a smile would be worse. Maybe. I've been told. I don't have a smileer's face.

Ah, your smile!

See, it's the pain in your eyes. Yeah. So if you're smiling, it just looks like you're trying to smile through the pain in your eyes.

I told you guys about this. My eyes do just look like that. I look more stressed than I am. If we would just... Now you guys earlier, you said... I rolled for spaceship. Okay, great. What did we get?

Are you 50?

Sure.

I got 50.

You got 50. See? Truly, I think we have to, and you have to give me a yes or no right now, we have to do a crossover podcast that's just that for 100 episodes.

Everyone has to die somehow.

Hey, he seemed to be holding his own for a minute and a half, so if he can't do a hundred episodes... Branson, I've just learned that you are the most patient man alive. You know, the kids are a lot better than that. Yeah, I would hope so. I would never let a kid have wild cherry Pepsi. Well you guys, you absolutely killed it. Carly, you hit two out of the three of the answers to those D&D monsters that I honestly didn't think that anyone would get. And I'm totally shocked that you pulled this place or beast. So I am astounded and I am in awe and I am so glad we waited to do these riddles with you two on the show because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten them. And we thank you so much for being here. Do you have anything that you would like to plug or where can people find you? We'll start with Branson.

Obviously, Riddle Tales of Magic. You guys were on it. Yeah, check it out. It's wherever your podcasts are sold. Check it out. Also, personally, I've got a new show. It's called Swan Boy. It's going to be on FX. I don't know when this episode comes out, but September 30th, it'll be out. It's out. It's already out. Oh, it's already out.

You should have watched it. Congratulations. Thank you.

Branson, how can people watch it? You can watch it on FXX, it's part of Cake, and if you miss it, it's on Thursdays, I believe. Check your local listings, I don't know where you live. But if you miss it, you can watch it the next day on Hulu.

Bram, where do we find you online besides that?

Oh God, ABC. Yeah, you can check out my, I'm on Twitter at Branson Reese on Instagram at Branson of God. And I think that's it. You got a book? Holy shit. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, Hell was Full from Oni Press. It's available wherever you get your books. And Branson, talk about your eyes. They're nice, I think. They were highlighted as a negative a second ago, but I think they're good. I'm proud of them. Branson Reese is truly my favorite. Yeah, you can. Believe me, I will not hide these peepers from you.

Carly, you did such a great job with Branson's plugs. I guess should we throw it to Branson for Carly's plugs? I'm trying to read the energy of the room.

I don't know what it is. You've got to check out Bird Girl on Adult Swim.

Hell yeah. Carly, get all the character designs for it. That's true. I did do the character design. And I also did the opening. That was very fun. Yeah. And you can find that on the Adult Swim app. And I think it's fun. It's on HBO now. You can watch it on demand. And it's a very funny show. And we also do a podcast called, Oh These, Those Stars of Space. It's wonderful. Our own Joe Lepore GMs it, and it's like an episodic Star Trek comedy. Very fun. Okay. Yeah. And I'm at Warring Blender on pretty much all social media. So there you go.

Carly, do you have illustration work in any books that are out or coming out?

I do. Man, thank you so much. I do have illustration work in a book coming out. It's by my friend Ryan North, and it's called How to Take Over the World. And it's coming out next year.

So pre-order it. So wait.

So wait a minute. It's going to be really good though. It's really fun.

Well, I should say that this episode is coming out in 2025. So that's cool for everybody. Thanks for buying it. What about the rest of us little restabouts? Erin, Adal, anything that you want to vlog?

I got nothing. Adal?

plug and promote hello from the magic tavern and the podcast I do we have just launched a patreon so please check that out it's patreon.com slash magic tavern I believe and also later tonight I'm going to be joining another patreon which I recommend you join which is the rude tales of magic patreon uh where is that patreon.com slash rude tales of magic that's exactly right hell yes but I'll be joining that tonight and I suggest you do the same

And of course I'm always using my plug time to cancel out Adal's plugs. I would also like to plug... Erin, I believe that you were just on an episode of the Mega Podcast that came out Monday.

I was! That's what I want to plug. A huge fan of the two of them. Check it out. JPC was also just on one of their episodes, so now's a good time to listen.

I think mine's maybe a next week, so if you like the mega podcast, you're gonna love Back to Back Adal and... Adal was on it as well. I was on about a year ago, yeah.

Okay, well... Let's get out of here. Jupiter, bye!

Bye forever. Waka Waka, kids!

Bye! Bye-bye.

Awesome.

MRT parents in the...

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