Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife in the face. And the horses came riding.

Everyone gather round please in the town square. You there, sir. What's your name? My name? Well, I'm JPC.

One of the co-hosts of Hey Riddle Riddle, the podcast. Not the show. I lost rights on the show.

Anyway, my name is Adal Rifai and I have a special announcement today.

What was that? No, I was just reacting to you had special news and I was just giving you a verbal like I heard that you had special news, but I didn't want to step on what your special news was.

Do you ever not say what you're thinking? You said what was that?

Because a big old bird flew by. Oh! Did you see that bird? What was that bird? Well that's my bird. I could talk all day about my bird. Do you want me? I mean, now I'm getting completely bad. That's my raven.

KC, insert horn sounds. No. KC, enter horn. Those weren't horns. Like a trumpet. Like an old timey. There we go. A special announcement has been decreed to be read throughout the village in the town and the land for this episode and this episode only. On this September of September 29th, Erin Keif shall be Queen of this episode. Now a lot of people are gonna DM me and say, you fucking loser, Erin's always a queen, and I agree. But I'm saying, for the fun of this episode, people who hate me, Erin dictates all that happens, and Erin is queen for this episode, presenting her highness. Queen Erin, or Querin, for short, I guess. If you're one of those things, do you have to listen?

Or is it only an and thing where you have to be both?

I wasn't listening anyway, so smack in the mouth.

You will respect your queron. I mean your queen, Erin. You, JPC, will stand for Jester to please the court. And I, of course, Adal will stand for a Duke always late. Queen Erin, the floor is yours. What would you like to have happen in this episode?

I would like to leave.

Can't say I didn't see that coming.

First of all, I don't even have a speech prepared. I'm going through the notes on my phone to see if I prepared a speech for anything to see if it'll apply. I never leave the house without two speeches.

The speech where the world calls me up to fight, you know, whatever alien or monster has invaded. Excuse me? I never leave the house without preparing two speeches.

Can we hear this first one?

Of course. I haven't left my house though. I would like to hear it though. I'm at home recording this.

That's the queen I would like to hear the speech that you are going to make if a monster ever invades.

America. I know that you're scared and that's okay because I'm scared too. I'm scared shitless. I shit my pants just moments ago. Pissed myself too. A one and a two. A three, some would call it. And I just saw a picture of the monster and it was blurry. Some of you have actually seen it. I'd shit myself again and I haven't eaten anything today. If I saw A real non-blurry picture of that monster. I'd shit myself for a second time today, and I haven't eaten anything today. And I didn't have a big day yesterday, eating-wise. What did I have? Light breakfast, I nibbled and grazed for lunch, and I think I went to sleep at like five, and I woke up at like nine, and it was too late for dinner for me, and I just went to bed.

Sir, you're getting hung up on the minutia. Please comfort the nation. Thank you.

Thank you, Joffrey. Anyway, where was I? I'm scared of this monster. Hell, I'm so scared that if I saw this monster, I would throw up. And I, honestly, I'm running on E. I'm fumes in my tank. And I'm not a big guy either. So you took E? Oh yeah, I'm rolling.

Let's get you hydrated.

Adal, I would like to kill JPC. That would be my first murder. You asked!

Erin, I can't stress enough.

He read that verbatim.

I can't stress enough. Today, for this episode, you are queen of the episode. So, anything you want to have happen happens. We're gonna say, I think, unless you deem it otherwise, you're the one who calls for scenes or calls for whatever. So, Erin, you are queen of the episode. What would you like to have? Oh my God. We're about five minutes in. What would you like to have happen?

Well, first of all, I would like to say I didn't know this was happening. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Just before recording, I went, we haven't recorded in a couple of weeks. What happened to me in the last couple of weeks? I remember something funny happening and then saying I should remind myself to say that to JPC and Adal, but I don't even remember what that is. I came completely unprepared to this episode. So I don't think I deserve this.

Queen, shall we jog your memory?

Yes.

Was it something to do with travel?

No. I can't stress to you enough, it might have been a moment on a TV show. Sure. It could have been a bird that I saw. I'll let you guys know if I can remember.

Erin, I don't know if it's helpful, but I invented a new game that we can play.

Yes, I would like, that would, Queen Erin says yes, I would like to play your game.

Okay, I texted Adal about this and I was like, I don't know if it will fit into the episode, but, and he said, well, you'll have to wait and see. And I believe it could. It could very well. Erin, I think that this is something that you'll enjoy. Adal, Erin, are you both familiar with celebrity chef Guy Fieri?

Of course. He's wears flames on his shirt.

He's one of my favorite people in the whole world. And Mariah and I have been playing a game that I like to call Guy Fury's Kitchen Game. And we've been playing this while we've been cooking for the past couple of days. And I wanted to bring it to you. So the way that this game is going to work is all you have to say is, are you crying? I'm getting emotional. Because this game is so special to me.

This is a Riddle podcast, by the way.

It's so new and new. But we'll get to that. It's a Riddle podcast. This is our Riddle podcast and this is one of our classic warm up games.

When the monsters that eventually invade this earth, even after JPC's enthralling speech, when the monsters invade this earth and hear this podcast on their own, they're going to be so confused by this episode.

One of the monsters is going to be like, hold on, I want to hear how to play Guy Fieri's Kitchen Game. I don't really like this game. I think I'm going to get this game. So, all one of you is, we have to talk in like our best Guy Fieri accents, but you pick anything, like I'll start with my favorite thing, waffles, and you say, I'm making waffles. And then the next person who goes has to add something to the beginning or the end of that sandwich style rule supply. And we're creating like a weird Guy Fieri inspired food item. So like you might say, I'm making salty waffles. And then the third person has to say, put something on the beginning or the end. You can't go in the middle, beginning of the end, sandwich style, that type of thing. And we build until one person can't remember what all of the things were said. Now, if that ever happens, the person who just passed it onto them gets a chance to say, Hey Riddle Riddle. Caramelized salty waffles or I'm making salty waffles or the one that you can do is you can change plurality. So you can change from plural to single. I don't think that's the same as changing plurality, but you can change the tense. So you could say I'm making salted or salty waffle caramels. Instead of waffles, caramels.

So somebody said, I'm making strawberries. And then somebody said, I'm making milk strawberries. You couldn't then say, I'm making milk chocolate strawberries? No, you cannot. You have to put it.

I don't understand what you don't get about sandwich style beginning at the end.

I can't stress enough to the listeners that I haven't talked to them in three weeks. I haven't spoken to JPC or Adal in weeks.

And we've been texting each other.

JPC moved into a new house. Adal went to France. We're not going to talk about that. We're going to play this game.

So it'll go B, then Erin, then Adal, okay? Okay. And my queen, forgive me, but what happened was JPC moved to France and I traveled to a new house. Oh, okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I got very lost. See, I don't know anything about your life. All right, go ahead.

All right, ready? Yes. I'm making lobster.

I'm making garlicky lobster.

That's your Guy Fieri impression, Erin?

No, I'm making garlicky lobster.

There we go. I'm making garlicky. I'm making garlicky.

You laughed at me. You laughed at the queen. And then you fell in the same hole the queen fell in.

The queenhole. I fell in the queenhole. You fell in the queenhole. Not again. I'm making garlicky lobster sandwiches.

I'm making garlicky lobster sandwich bombs.

I'm making smoked garlicky lobster sandwich bombs.

I'm making Marlboro Smoked Garlic-y Lobster Sandwich Bombs.

I'm making Monterey Jack Marlboro Lobster Smoked. No, damn it. Oh, no, not yet, Adal. You saw the chance.

Oh, he just said it. No, no, he just said it to you, right?

He said it to me, so he has to make me eat it now.

I missed what you added this time. Yeah, it's a hard game, huh? So I won't make you eat it. Thank God I didn't want to eat lobster bobs.

Monterey Jack, Marlboro, smoked.

Garlic-y.

Garlic-y lobster bobs.

Sandwich bobs.

Sandwich bobs. Eat it. Eat it. Fuck, okay. God, it's so garlicky. That's the thing tripping around. That's the one that couldn't get over. Erin, you can start us off.

I'm making pills. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Is it my turn? I think it's you, Adal, yeah. I'm making sauted pills. I'm making double sauted pills.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills a la range.

I'm making garlicky double sauted pills a la range salad.

I'm making garlicky...

That was like you saw like a loved one rise from a grave as a zombie, like that shudder.

I just cough out dust. I'm making a card. Wait, Erin, they're a zombie.

Why did you cough out dust?

She's a mummy.

You think when you see a zombie, you cough out dust? I mean, my queen, you are correct. You are correct today.

I have never been less suited to be queen. There are at least 50 episodes where I was chomping at the bit to be queen of the episode. Listen to episode twenty. I will kill the queen then.

Erin sees a ghost and walks through a wall.

I see a vampire and I find someone's neck.

You're the X-Men that see other X-Men powers. You're a rogue. You're just like rogue. You're just rogue.

The person who thinks that they have everyone else's powers but does not. But does not. Okay, I would like to see a seed.

Yes, of course, McQueen.

You are to our husband and wife, and all the dead is rising from their graves to turn into zombies.

And it's you guys like seeing each other and realizing that you're zombies now. Dog.

Oh, crap. Hey! I got out of my grave and you weren't buried next to me. Did you remarry?

Point of clarification, because I'll keep it either way. Did you say dog or dog?

Well, at first I said Doug, which is your name, but now that I found out what you've done, you're a dog.

Oh, it looks like I'm in the Doug house. No brain. No, no, no. Now first of all, Sheila, great to see ya. Have you lost skin?

Honey, come back to grave.

Who's that? Okay, so... Come back to grave? Yeah, uh, alright. Look, cheer I'm gonna be honest. You died young. And what was I supposed to do? I wasn't gonna be alone forever.

Just because I ate a Monterey Jack, Marlboro-smoked, garlicky lobster sandwich bomb, and died because it was off the chain, doesn't mean you should remarry. How long did you wait? Eleven? Years?

Oh. Same. Minutes. Uh, okay. The queen? Yes. The queen wants riddles.

Then riddles the queen shall have. Erin, I love that you had ultimate power and you decided to follow the normal format of the show.

Well, the queen, excuse me, the queen has an obligation to her people. I'm not a bad queen. I'm not an evil queen. I didn't bring a hundred year winter. People, for whatever reason, want us to do more riddles. First of all, if you're one of those people, are you okay? DM me. I think you're probably going through something. You definitely don't want more riddles. That can't be true. So I'm giving the people what they want, which is riddles.

Maybe there are people out here listening to the show who have a fuck ton of nephews and they're like, I've got to have more riddles because these little motherfuckers are driving me crazy. I got to entertain my sister's kids.

We go to the Cheesecake Factory and they say more riddles and I got nothing.

I'm running on empty.

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, the only podcast that will satiate your sister's kids needs.

Hey Riddle Riddle. I think that Hey Riddle Riddle should be the only podcast that instead of that 15 second skip forward button has a 15 minute skip forward button for the people who truly just only want to hear the riddles and they don't hear fun games or zombie seeds.

I wish that we had a 15 year skip button because that would be spooky.

Yeah that would be great. Speaking of spooky, Queen Erin here is your first riddle. When set loose, I fly away. Never so cursed as when I go astray. What am I?

A balloon!

A balloon. You're both correct, it's a dove and a balloon. Oh my god, that a chocolate balloon? That's my favorite Prince B side. When set loose, I fly away. Never so cursed as when I go straight. Yes, my queen?

I immediately took to the power. It went to my head so fast.

Wow. Yeah, it truly did, Erin.

I'd like to see a seed. Adal, you're a little boy, and JBC, you're a balloon, and Adal, you accidentally let the balloon go.

Oh no! Mr. Balloon, please come back! Haha! Fuck you! What? Did you remarry? What do we think this is?

I love the balloon as an answer, just so we're clear. I think that works pretty well.

I think it works for the first part. When set loose I fly away, but the second part is never so cursed as when I go astray. So that's the part that we need to figure out.

Yeah, that works for balloon too because people are cursing the balloon for flying away.

I love watching videos of gender reveals where they accidentally let the balloon go and then they never find out the gender of their child because it's in the sky now. Have you seen any of those?

No.

They look like a horrible tragedy had just happened.

I love when they go to cut the cake and the cake floats away.

I like that too. The cake's a balloon and it pops and just cake goes everywhere. I love that. For them, I love that for them. I would never want it for myself, but I love it for them. I don't love that for me. I will support their right to do it.

I'll go to war to ensure their right to do it. When set loose I fly away never so cursed as when I go astray. So when this goes astray it's a very bad situation.

of Airplane.

Oh god, I hope you love improv. And he goes, I do. And I go, Devil's Daughter has a show Tuesday night, 10 o'clock. And he goes, 10 o'clock. This is an older story. 10 o'clock on Tuesday. And I go, it's a really good show. And he goes, you got one chance to impress me. And then we do, I will say, a mediocre show. But guess what? This guy doesn't know shit. And he's fucking floored by it. He loves it. He has the time of his life. Anyways, the answer above a T,

Was this the devil's daughter show that you did a solo scene where you started it by saying, nobody at the meeting knows I shit my pants?

Could've been.

That's how I started this podcast with a solo scene where I shit my pants. And that's how I met Andre, the normal sized man.

Okay, is it an airplane? Is it a hot air balloon? Is it a mode of transportation in the sky?

I would say a hot air balloon is the closest, but just due to heat and... Oh, okay, so a zeppelin or dirigible.

Lava.

Uh, no. So this is a bit of a tough one for Riddle. My queen, I apologize.

Lava would be a good because people curse that lava when it goes astray and it's fucking Pompeii all over their asses.

Lava would be a good. But still was the band I saw when I went to SNL. And I haven't heard of them since.

I have a thing that you should know. If I don't like the answer to this riddle, it's off with your head.

Let's move on to another riddle. Uh-oh. Okay. I'll give you one more hint for this one. One more hint please. One set loose, I fly away. So each individual person is able to set this loose. Sometimes it's controlled, sometimes it's not. Fart. It's a fart.

Each individual person is able to fart. Can I tell you a quick fart story? Today I was putting a table together and I had just had some pizza for lunch and I farted. And Mariah said, I think spaghetti is sick. And I said, no, no, no, that's just a normal fart from a human man.

So when you said you're putting a table together, does that mean like you took off its glasses and replaced its overalls with like a nice dress and then took it to prom?

Yeah, the crazy thing about this table, it was beautiful the whole time and it didn't know anything about itself. But did it find out that you placed the bet on it? I didn't place the bet.

Yes, I did. Matthew Lillard did.

Okay, JBC, the queen says you are not allowed to fart for one month as punishment.

Okay, that would be way too long to fart anyway. At most I could get like six seconds.

No, you cannot fart not one time for a month.

Don't worry, I gotcha. Nope. I gotcha.

Off with his head.

Whoop. Ooh, okay.

Mike Green, would you like to hear another riddle?

Was it actually fart?

It was. Adal? Yes. Wow. Me about to lose his head. Homeboy about to lose his head. Cannot wait to watch this man lose his head. Clap for this man who's about to lose his head. I'm sorry to this man. Sorry to this man who's about to lose his head.

That might be my favorite internet thing of all time.

Sorry to this man is pretty fucked.

What am I going to do to you? Okay, not today, not next week, but sometime before the year is over. During a recording, I'm going to say to you, I want Dunkin Donuts. And you're going to have to send me an iced coffee to my home via Uber Eats or whatever food delivery service of your choice.

Yes, my queen.

Okay. And you have to guess what flavor I want.

And if it's wrong, you have to give me your house.

Boston. Give me my house. Boston.

Yeah.

Oh my god. Guess my queen. Would you like another riddle? That's rough Adal, it's rough for you, but guess what? You shouldn't have made the answer fart. You should have made it just balloon or whatever Erin said.

You should have just said yes when I said balloon.

I can't believe you didn't take that opportunity.

In case it cut everything out. No, we need this time. Here's another riddle for my queen. What wears a jacket but no pants? Mr. Potato Head. Pooh Bear. It's Pooh Bear.

Me when I'm walking my dog.

Me when I'm walking my dog.

Was Tom Cruise in Risky Business wearing a jacket or is it just a white shirt?

White button-down shirt, socks.

And a smile. And a smile. Isn't there another character that wears a jacket with no pants? Donald Duck. Donald Duck. The band Cake?

That made me think of... Short skirt. That's not pants. Bridget Jones' diary, the end of it, when she runs outside and she's wearing just underwear and her... Do you know what I'm talking about at the end of Bridget Jones' diary? No. Oh, at the end of that movie, Colin... Oh my god. He also played Daredevil. He reads her diary and when he comes to go win her back and then her diary is open on the table and he reads all the bad things she said about him and then she comes out of the bathroom and she's like, oh no, he read my diary. He thinks that I don't love him, I'm in love with him. And so she doesn't have pants on and she runs outside in the snow and he had just gone to buy her a new diary to turn over a new leaf in their relationship. But she's wearing, she's pantless, and so he like wraps her up in his coat. It's good. It's a very good ending to a rom-com. I'm not explaining it well. But I am the queen, so I will not apologize.

Applause, applause.

And then the way that you've got mail ends.

Wait, wait, wait. So he buys her a new diary, and is that kind of hinting at a sequel, like Bridget Jones' Diary 2? A hundred percent. A new diary? Wow. Yes.

And so the end of you got mail. Tom Hanks knows that they've been emailing each other, and then they were enemies in real life. And Meg Ryan doesn't know that they were emailing each other. And so he just starts hanging out with her in real life to win her trust over in real life. Okay. So she's starting to fall in love with him online and in real life and at the end she goes to meet up with the guy online but she's like I don't even know if I want to meet this guy online because I'm in love with Tom Hanks and then Tom Hanks goes to the park and meets her because it was him the whole time and then she sees him and somewhere over the rainbow starts playing and she goes I was hoping that it would be you and then everyone cries and then there's a golden retriever there.

Speaking of Tom Hanks isn't it so weird that his son is a 58 year old British man?

Mama Mia, here we go again.

Erin, how does Clueless end?

Clueless ends with Paul Rudd and Alicia Silverstone kissing on stairs and then it smash cuts to a wedding and she's like, as if, like we're way too young to get married. What do you think this is? Alabama? And it's her teacher's wedding of the teacher that she set up with another teacher or something like that. I don't know. It's been like 10 years since I've seen Clueless. Give me another one.

Isn't that Legally Blonde? Isn't that how Legally Blonde ends?

Legally Blonde ends. It's her graduation day, and the song, Perfect Day, is playing again. And then after her speech, she goes, we did it. And then everyone's clapping. And under everyone's picture, it shows what happened to everybody. So it'd be like, Paulette and the delivery guy are in love. Ellie, or Emmett, or whatever his name is, is proposing tonight. Whoever Owen Wilson played in that movie. Yeah. You're hurting my brain today.

I am wildly impressed by this skill set.

Give me another one.

Sweet Home Alabama.

Sweet Home Alabama. Oh, I love it. First of all, have you watched it? That was your wonderful homework since last time. I did.

You did? Uh-huh.

Oh my God. Thank you. That means a lot to me actually.

I actually completed this assignment maybe 13 years ago.

Oh, I thought you re-watched it. Come on.

Nope.

The end of it is she leaves Patrick Dempsey, who actually might have been a better fit for her, and she goes to the beach and it's storming, and her ex-husband, who is like her childhood love, is there, and she's like, I don't know that guy's name, but he never Josh something, I don't know, who knows, but he's putting the sticks into the sand so they get struck by lightning to turn them into glass, and she's like, Yeah, you owe me a dance. And he's like, are you back? And he goes, why do you want to be married to me anyhow? And she goes, so I can kiss you anytime I want. And then they go to a wedding reception when she was supposed to marry another guy that day. But the movie's pretty good.

Black Hawk Down.

The helicopter crashes, I guess? Who cares? Next Riddle.

Can you believe they didn't cast Ethan Hawke as the helicopter in that movie?

Well, he would have had to make some unfortunate acting choices.

Ethan Hunt.

Oh, that's who it is, that's who it is. What wears a jacket but no pants? This one still?

Um, a banana.

Uh, that is an excellent guess, my queen, but that is, um, I don't want to say it. In some cultures, do they call a condom a jacket? They call it a Jimmy jacket. A Jimmy jacket. Okay. Freakishly fast.

I use, I sew tiny little pea coats to use instead of condoms.

Yes, yes. Oh bother.

Would you mind putting this peacoat on your genitalia?

Oh, a jacket with no pants. I think that they isn't a bullet encased in a jacket.

Oh, that's a really good. Erin has full metal jacket end.

The gun finds its coat or whatever. I don't know. All those movies are the same.

The gun finds its coat. So it's like a safe friend Ryan. But for a gun.

Yeah, the gun's the main character.

Sure. Interesting.

Men romanticize going off to war.

I don't know. What wears a jacket but no pants? I'll give you a hint. My house is full of it. Ah, daddy long legs.

Adal, tell me about the spider sweaters that you've been making.

Uncomfortable silence.

Passive aggressive energy. Let's keep going. Smoke. This sucks. Boxes of books you'll never read.

Ah? And books? Yay!

What was it, jacket but no pants? It is a book. See Adal, if we kept burning you, eventually we were going to get the right answer. My queen, we're at about 30 minutes. Would you like to take a break or would you like to do something else?

Yes, I'd like to take a break and I'd like you to transition us into the break, please.

And Erin, I have a really important question for you when we get back from the break. Okay. Casey, play some old medieval trumpets right here. The queen has deemed that we take a break. Hold on to your assholes. We'll be right back.

I thought that was gonna rhyme. I tried. Hey, I'm having a great day. I feel good for the first time in my life with my friends, Adal and Erin. Hey Erin, this is the first ad where JPC didn't start with, hey, I have a bone to pick with you. What's going on?

Yeah, he must be in a really good mood. JPC, what's going on, buddy?

Oh, are you just commenting about how I don't have bones to pick anymore? Well, that's because bone picking was interfering with my happiness. And I had to ask myself, what is interfering with my happiness? What is preventing me from achieving my goals? And then I landed on it. It's all the bone picking. But better help will assess my needs and match me with my own licensed professional therapist. I can connect in a safe and private online environment and I can start communicating in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It is professional counseling done securely online. And it's for me, JPC. Having a good day with my friends.

I have to say, it's so great to see you in such a healthy mental state. I mean, Hey Riddle Riddle is probably over because a lot of people rely on how wild you are. But we're happy for you buddy.

And JPC I gotta say better help is the best therapy I've ever tried because it works really really well with the way my brain works. I love being able to send a message to my counselor anytime rather than waiting for like a sort of once a week panic where I have to feel like I have to perform for my therapist. It really worked for me and I hope it works for people who traditional therapy hasn't worked out for in the past.

And Erin, that's a great way to put it because for the first time in my life, my brain works. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. And they offer services available for clients worldwide with licensed professional counselors who are specialized in anger, had a lot of that, family conflicts, tons of those, relationships, not a one, sleeping, trauma, anxiety, stress, depression, anything you share is confidential, convenient, professional, affordable, I love BetterHelp.

Wow, he even wrote on a notepad, don't go to ButterHelp.com. He really has changed.

He's happy.

No more bones. No more bones. Except Little Monkey Bones, we'll still see him on the Patreon. I want you to start living a happier life today just like me, JPC. And as a listener, you will get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. Hey Little Monkey Bones, do you want to try BetterHelp? Hold on, I'll get the voice. Join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash riddle.

Wow, it even helped little monkey bones. Amazing! Yay!

I'm a little better help. Wow, what a great break. I think before the break I told you that I had a very important question that I wanted to ask you when we came back. I can't wait. And my question is this. How could I worship you my queen?

Oh my god. Oh my god. Am I crazy or have you said that to me on the show before?

I've said that to you on International Women's Day last year.

That sucks, that rules.

International Women's Day is when all women are supposed to dress up like Austin Powers.

That is so fucking funny.

What's wild about that day is that that's the day we're all women fancy a shag.

Oh brother. I'm feeling really good about being queen. I'm starting to worry like how I'm gonna feel after the episode ends.

Do you tell what you mean? Are you worried about succession? Yeah, I'm like, am I going to get like... It's coming back in October. It's coming back. Yeah, you still have a couple of weeks before Succession even comes back.

And don't forget Roy has drawn a line in the sand.

You're my boy. You're my number one boy.

I can't wait for my rewatch before it comes back. I think I have a crush on everyone on that show.

Is that possible? No, I don't think so because you're supposed to hate everyone on that show.

Even Cousin Greg, you have a crush on? Not if you're a bad person. Especially Cousin Greg. Are you kidding?

Wow. Even Tom?

No, that's what I mean. Tom first, Greg. What is the woman's name? Shiv.

Well, you want to make a Tom look, you're going to have to break some craigs. Best line on that show.

I would like a riddle.

Of course, my queen, go off. When young, I am sweet in the sun. When middle-aged, I make you gay. When old, I am valued more than ever. I mean, that should be the fucking answer. I don't know what to say.

I bought a Bette Midler record at the Rose Bowl flea market and I went, I never tried to buy records that are less than like five dollars. I just think it's more fun that way. And I thought it was in the five dollar pile and so I went up to go buy it and she was like twenty dollars and I was like I already, it's been mine in my head already for a couple minutes. I'm not leaving without this Bette Midler record.

Can you haggle? You can haggle, but I... At that point... You said, what would a bet do in this situation? She would pay $20 for her.

She would pay $20 for her own record. She's the best.

Speaking of $20, any time I go to Vegas and I play craps, I always Bette Midler. Okay, so is Midler like a position on the craps board? Yeah. I put my money in the middle of the table, and they say, sir, that's nothing. And I say, well, roll the dice.

And then you go, no whammy, no whammy, no whammy.

No whammy, no whammy. Then I raise my button. It's connected to nothing. Can I pitch a scene?

You may. I'm just trying to remember a Bette Midler song really quick before it drives me crazy.

Sure. Yeah.

She said, she drives me crazy. I wanted to remember the song that she sang with Barry Manilow, because what a duo. Excuse me. Oh, yeah. They do a duet of, I'm gonna get you on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone, get you and keep you. I'm hearing the lyrics and they're creepy.

This is a romantic song about taking a very slow boat to China. Yeah, most romantic songs start with, I'm gonna get you. Most romantic songs are like, we're gonna take a trip over open water for three weeks. Romance. Bite the curb, bite the curb, stomp stomp. I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are going to be like a big, I think they call it a whale, a person who's like a big spender in a casino, right? Except you have no idea how to gamble. And Erin, you are going to be like his, you work for the casino, you're his handler, and you're going to be like taking him around the casino to, you know, to help him to help him do his big bets.

Oh, let's hit the floor here. Wow, it's so nice to be in from the general area of Russia.

Of course, Mr. Cross, right this way. Follow me here.

What did you call me?

Mr. Cross?

Oh, very good. Very good.

Yeah, that is the pseudonym that gave me for you. I know that you don't want us to use your actual name.

Yeah, I prefer my name not be used, which is why I've given you the pseudonym and my hotel is booked under David Cross.

Excellent. Yes, sir. Well, here is our high roller route.

Oh, can you lower it? I can't reach the table.

No, sir, that's just meaning the expensive big bucks.

Well, that doesn't stop me from not being able to reach the table. I don't know what to tell you. Can you lift me up?

Yeah, but I'm going to give you a little booster seat here. And here you go. It's our blackjack dealer. He will deal you in.

Okay. And his name is Jack.

My name is Evan. It's nice to meet you. Would you like to place a bet, sir? I'll take two. The minimum bet at this table is $200. Okay. And then do I pick a card, any card? You'll get two cards. In fact, here are the two dealt to you now, sir.

Sir, it feels unethical to... This is not a magic show. This is gambling.

Can it be?

Sir, the magic show is on the second floor. I can take you up there now.

Wait, he just made my money disappear. So this is a magic show.

If you took your money, you can win it back if you get 21. Or close to it.

Okay, let me... I'm trying to reverse my age. I shouldn't hit my pants. I did a three.

You know what, sir? Have the 200 back and enjoy a steak dinner at Cobbs. Cobbs? Cobbs I go to for corn. Well, enjoy a corn dinner at Styx then, sir. Either way, these are two meal vouchers. You know what, Evan?

I'm gonna hit them really hard in the head to see if that fixes anything.

But yet! Oh, Melissa, we weren't, we're not supposed to do that anymore.

Oh, shoot.

Where am I?

Where, where am I?

Mr. Cross, you're in the casino. You were about to put down a thousand dollar bet.

Okay, here's the thousand dollars. What am I betting on?

It's Blackjack. Okay, let's see. Okay, you have 21. Okay, dealer, it's on a 20. Dealer busts. Okay, no, you won, sir. Here are your winnings. Congratulations.

Oh, wow. Now I have an extra thousand. I'd like to play roulette. Put me on the wheel.

They'll balance them out eventually.

They'll keep hitting them on the head. That's how head injuries work.

They balance out. As per Little Bunny Fufu, you bop those field mice on the head, they're not going to be right. You know what I'm saying?

Is that the plot of that?

Oh yeah. Yeah, I forgot that that song has a plot. Speaking of thought, when young, I am sweet in the sun. When middle-aged, I make you gay. When old, I am valued more than ever.

I know what it is. I know what it is.

I'm my queen, my queen. It's a grape. Yes, but a little more specific. It's wine. It is wine. When young, I am sweet in the sun. When middle aged, I make you gay. When old, I am valued more than ever.

The queen would like to see a scene.

Yes.

JPC, you are a grape.

Okay.

And Adal, you are the grape's grandfather who is wine.

I'm sorry, Erin. Is he my grape grandfather or just my grandfather? Just do the genealogy for me. It's just grape, my father, and then my great-grandfather.

Wait, I have a grandson? I thought I was seedless. That's what the doctors told me.

Oh my god, they're a convenience.

Okay, grape and my great-grandfather. Gotcha.

Have a seat over here, young lad.

Roll your way over here. Do we have to, Grandpa? Can we maybe not sit in the sun? I feel like the sun is really... Can we sit maybe in the shade?

No, you must sit in the sun, because soon you shall be like me. Well, hold on. If you sit in the sun too much, you could become a raisin. But... If you soak it up just a little bit, lap it up, you can become tannins and you can become squashed and be a wine just like me, your old valuable grandpa.

Grandpa, can I be honest with you? I mean, I see your life and I see all that you have and your wine and you're so sophisticated and I'm 28% proof. I love that. And the proof is in the pudding, but I just don't know if it's the life for me. Like I'm young, I'm single. I want to date, you know?

No, no, no. Dates are no good. I mean, they're tasty, but they're very sugary. Now, wine is more complex. Do you see? And dates have pits. No, but I want to date. I want to experience life. You know, I want to be a pair. You want to be an au pair? That's basically babysitting. That's fancy babysitting.

Let's call it what it is. No, Grandpa, you're not listening to me. I want to experience the world. I want to meet someone and I want to eat their apple. I'm getting notes of undermining me. I'm getting notes of immaturity.

I'm getting notes of obnoxious. You are what? Let me get in your grandma. Chardonnay. Chardonnay.

Yes, Orange you glad I'm not gonna make a fruit joke?

Oh no.

I'm drunk.

We're both drunk.

Okay, then why aren't you on dance with me?

Well, I'm drunk in terms of people drink me, but you are sloshed, my dear.

Our grandson... I've been drinking myself because no one else around here will drink me.

You took out one of your ribs to drink yourself? I thought that was a rumor.

Look, there's a straw. I'm drinking myself from a straw.

Grandpa, Grandpa, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yes. Man, go. You don't like it here man, go!

Man, go! Listen, I told your papaya that I would take care of you and when your papaya died, it was eaten, I promised that I would look after you because I am passionate for you, okay?

Banana.

What just happened was we each had two guns and we were pointing them at each other and everyone was darting their eyes between the other two. We all went, who's gonna say a fruit? Who's gonna say a fruit next?

It was JPC, he did it. It's called a fruit stand standoff. Mexican fruit stand.

It came out of me like a sneeze that I never wanted to leave.

Okay, I'm ready for another riddle.

Ready for another riddle? I have four legs but no tail. Usually, I am hurt only at night. When am I?

Night table?

Night stand.

J.P.C., you're all about the tables, you dirty dog. Well, the tables have turned. I am hot for tables. That's the song. I'm hot for table. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Read it again.

Yes, my queen. I have four legs but no tail. Usually, I am heard only at night. What am I? Cat with a clip tail. Cats are not colonel. Those little fucking things, they go.

They go hard at night.

I mean, I will say cats sleep, my cats sleep like 22 hours a day. They do tend to be up at night and do, they get what we call the zoomies, which is where they just scramble all around and act like insane things. It is not a cat. Four legs, no tail. It's not an animal, right?

I wouldn't say that. My queen. So it's something with four legs and no tail that's like up all night? I'm trying to think, what are the nocturnal animals that I know?

Is it really an animal?

It is.

Hmm.

I have four legs, but no tail. Usually I am heard only at night. What am I?

Possums are nocturnal, but they have tails. Raccoons, I think, are nocturnal, but they have tails.

A human who's crawling.

Well, if they escape, they'll have a tail to tell. Yeah. Is it a wake up baby?

A baby who is reverse sleep cycling or whatever it's called.

My queen, can I ask for a scene?

Yes, you may.

JPC, I would like to see a commercial for the... JPC and Erin, I would like to see a commercial from the two of you for the new toy that never made it to Shell's because it was such a terrible idea called Wake Up Baby. And this is a toy baby that all it does is wake up screaming and crying.

Jesus Christ, it's your turn. It's your turn.

Get up. Get. Up.

Get up! Get up! The house could be on fire! I am not getting up!

Get up! Please! I am exhausted! No!

I got up Sunday. I got up Saturday. I got up Friday. I gave up my whole fucking weekend getting up. It is not my turn!

I got up last, I got up the time before that, and I got up the time before that. Wake up, please.

If I get up, it's gonna be the throw that fucking thing out the window.

It might drive you crazy. It's wake up baby. Wake up baby needs actual food. Wake up baby cannot be turned off. Wake up baby will kill you in its sleep if you don't wake it up. Wake it up, wake it up, wake it up, wake up baby.

I want a divorce!

Oh, that's definitely Mark. Those were two children talking in case it wasn't clear. That was a brother and sister. Who got that doll for Christmas?

It does to you.

It fucks you up if you can't sleep. Too much responsibility. Way too young. Oh yeah. I have four legs but no tail. I am usually heard only at night. So this is a creature. Think of like mating calls you might hear at night. Maybe near the water. Nobody does mating calls anymore. Now it's all just text messages.

Turtle screams.

It's like, you up? Okay, my queen, I do need to hear what a turtle scream sounds like. Huh.

JPC? Okay, turtle scream? How would I think?

Okay, may I please go? Yes, please.

I think it worked.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. It's something that lives in the water? Ish. I'm sorry, did you say fish? Fish. I'll give you a hint. Fish? I'll give you a hint. If you saw this thing in the morning around breakfast time, you'd want to smacks it across the face.

Oh, a rooster.

Okay, gotta let that one go.

You can't stop a queen. You can't stop a queen. I can say any weird old thing I want and no one can do shit about it.

A rabbit, a toucan, a monkey, a leprechaun, a tiger. What else is on a breakfast box?

Am I thinking of the wrong cereal? Smacks. A frog? Yeah, a frog. It smacks a frog, right? Smacks the frog? Smacks is a frog, yes.

Who the fuck is smacks?

Aaron, you don't remember smacks the frog?

No, I'm going on yet now.

I'd like to request a C in my queen.

Yes.

I would like to see a scene. JPC is Smacks the Frog, showing up in a commercial for Smacks, or Honey Smacks, whatever it's called. Erin, you are a child eating Smack cereal, but you had no idea it had a mascot, and you are terrified and confused by this frog.

Holy shit, this looks so much like JPC.

Yeah, it really does. Backwards hat, tank top.

His shirt says dig him. Oh my god, I gotta get you that shirt. I hope I have you for Chris's.

Okay, so I'm Smacks the Frog.

You're Smacks the Frog. Erin's playing basically a younger version of herself who has no idea about this mascot. And she just, she's digging into a bowl of smacks and the mascot appears as they usually do in commercials. But this has a bit more of a horrifying turn.

Hello? No way! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, stop, stop, stop screaming, stop screaming, stop screaming, stop fucking screaming.

Oh my god. Yeah, okay, my mom's purse is over here.

Frogs have very sensitive eardrums, okay? You think you just blew out a fucking eardrum kid. Jesus Christ.

We have a book in our bookshelf that has money in it. You can get that money into the dictionary.

I got a shirt that says dig them in a backwards hat. What do I need money for? Okay, wadda wadda wadda wadda's bangs with frog. Are you enjoying your surprise?

I thought that these were cornflakes. Does it smacks you with lips?

Honey, is everything okay down there? It's fine mom.

If you tell your mom about me, if you tell your mom about me, you're gonna find out why they call me smacks the pop. If you fucking say anything about... Are you enjoying your honey smack cereal?

I'm friends with Tony the Tiger and I can get him down here in two seconds.

I can call Tony the Tiger's parole officer and have Tony the Tiger in jail for life.

You wouldn't.

I would. I would. I slit the trick's rabbit's fucking neck.

You did? I could.

Hey, are you enjoying your Honey Smack cereal?

It's delicious. I love it.

You gotta sell it. You gotta make me believe you love this cereal. If you ever want to see your mom and dad again, you gotta make me believe you like Honey Smack cereal.

Please don't hurt them. I thought I'd grab the cornflakes from the shelf. Why did my mom buy these?

Don't blame your mom. She's a nice lady. In fact, after your dad's out of the picture, Maybe smacks the frog and your mom go to Aruba.

I treat it real nice.

Smacks the frog is a total bystander in his life and he takes no accountability for his actions. Your mom falls in love with smacks the frog. We're going to find out why they call me smacks the frog. And it's because I smacks the ass.

What does that mean, Smack The Frog?

Did someone need help?

What do you mean what? Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, this is not great.

I'm Smack The Frog. I got a gun and I had it in every box. I'm crazy and these boxes teleport me and I fuck everybody's bogs. That's what I do.

Honey, did I hear a noise? No mom, we're doing great. Who's we? Me and Smack The Frog. Okay. Do you want me to buy more? I want you to leave, Rick! Amazing I think the line of dialogue that perfectly sums up this show is, smacks a frog, please don't fuck my mom. I think that perfectly encapsulates the energy of this show and what listeners are in store for. Is it sugar smacks? Was that the name of the cereal? I thought it was just smacks, but then as you guys were confused, I was like, maybe, yeah. I was like, maybe it's honey smacks or sugar smacks. Maybe 20 years. It can't possibly still exist. I think it does.

Seems like it does.

Oh, okay. I guess so. And I think they've tried to update Smackz to where he looks very hip and cool versus terrifying. Honey Smackz. Honey Smackz.

He's called the Digum Frog, actually.

Mike Wayne, I think we have time for one more riddle. Is that all right with you?

Read me the riddle.

At the sound of me, men may dream or stamp their feet. At the sound of me, women may laugh or sometimes weep. What am I?

Music.

It is a music. One singular music. Erin, you're correct, my queen. Is that true? It was music? It was music. Wow! You know how when music plays, men typically stamp their feet and then women cry.

Love these stereotypes. Men get to dance and women get to cry.

Hey, stopping your feet dancing?

I assume I'm only queen for a couple more minutes, so I would like to put a lawn place.

Oh, okay.

I want you both to Google me right now and tell me something excellent that you find about me.

Okay. Okay. Um, this is going to be a real exercise in spelling your name correctly. Let's see. Uh, Erin Keif. Okay. Let's see now. Boy. Something interesting, something interesting about Erin Keif from Google. I'm going to have to go to page two because page one on Google is pretty pedestrian. I think we all know about that.

And I'm going to talk more about Smack the Frog. They couldn't find anything about me, so.

No, Erin, I did. It took me a while, but I Googled something about you and I did find your Pinterest board.

No, no, no, no, no, bail.

So, Erin, what's funny about this is this is funny fun new information for our listeners. Your Pinterest board appears to be a series of outfits that you could never pull off.

Okay, that was worth it.

What did we find? Well, hold on. I'm not done with your Pinterest board. We've got a few boards. We've got one that's one called Wedding. Erin, this one's from nine years ago.

Okay, okay. If you were ever on Pinterest around 2010, you know that we were all 20 and we're making wedding Pinterest boards. I cannot be alone in that.

Adal, I have found a Pinterest board from nine years ago from Erin Keif. This was a mistake. It's called My Style and there are 12 pictures No. Okay, Erin, this is 10 years ago. Let's just go through the real quick and see if any of them are your style. We've got bangs. Nope. 11 kinds of bangs and ways to rock them. Wow, Erin.

Oh, no. Here's the tragic part. I certainly don't have to log into this anymore, JVC. I can't scrub it from the internet.

Erin, we've got one that just says Ray-Ban Sunglasses. We've got one that says, it's from Dormify, it says Popular high heels. What else do we have? What else do we have? Here's a wedding outfit. It's a curated and refined wedding outfit from the vault. We've got another one that says, you just have ASOS pinned here.

I regret this so much.

And here's another one. It's from the Daily Mail and it says, Harry Potter fans can have a magical dot dot dot. So it looks like you have ways that you could experience a Hogwarts Christmas feast from the comfort of your own house.

This is an actual disaster. I've never seen something backfire so quickly.

This is really, really bad stuff, Erin. And then there's one more with an item that you like, Erin. And guess what? It's unavailable on Etsy. So nine years ago, you wanted a Christmas sweater that you have now missed out on.

Adal, please tell me what you found. I had a bit of a tough time, but I did find, but I'm not going to go all the way through it. I did find the full text of the Hingham High School yearbook. Oh my god. But I couldn't find time to search your name. But I will say, Erin I now know that you went to high school with Christopher Johnson, Rachel Coleman, Kelsey Keith, and William Kenyon. Ring any bells?

Yeah, the only one of those people I've seen since I graduated high school. I hope they're all doing very well. I remember them all being very kind people.

I googled them, Erin, and they're not.

Oh no! Kelsey Keif was very nice. She lived in my neighborhood and was very cool. And our lockers were next to each other forever because our names are very similar.

Do you know a Kristin Keif?

No, I don't.

Because there's an article from the Dorchester Reporter. Can you say that in a Boston accent?

Dorchester Reporter. That was a fun one.

The waters of the Boston Harbor thanks to the Dorchester yacht, Kristin Keif.

I guess she's more on the internet than me. Is that what you're saying? Her Pinterest is probably embarrassing too.

Here's one called Products I Love, Erin. It's four pins from nine years ago. One of them is a Harry Potter martini glass.

Oh my God.

One of them is a snow globe and a mason jar.

No.

And then one of them is just, it appears to be A bunch of different types of blush.

Okay, so this is complete 2011 nonsense, and I'd like to apologize. That is not who I am anymore.

Oh, and Erin, you also just have a picture of a mint julep. You have a picture of a mint julep under products I love. Adal, anything to look.

Please, Adal, please.

We still have time. We still have plenty of time. No, we don't.

We have no time.

No, no, we absolutely do. Ooh, Erin, you lost a lot of green throw pillows. Green was your color back then, huh? Adal, please.

I have a few things to plug. The number one thing I have to plug is Hello For The Magic Tavern. It has a new Patreon. We launched a Patreon. We're very excited to have this Patreon. You can join for $5 at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. We're very excited for all of our bonus content we're going to be putting up there and all kinds of other stuff. So check that out, see if it's the right fit for you, and if so, we'd love to have you join and be on the Discord and all that stuff. Also, I was on some podcasts recently. My Cabbages podcast, talking about Avatar. Have you heard about this podcast? We were all on Rude Tales of Magic recently. I was on Better Movie Club. And I think that might be it. My Queen, anything that you would like to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram and JPC. Anything to plug.

You can find me on yesterday's episode of Improv is Dead with my best friend and former roommate, Tim Lyons, his best friend and no roommate relation, Dan White, and Chicago's best friend, Damien Anaya. It was a super fun episode to record. And you should check it out. You can find it anywhere podcasts are found. Improv is Dead. Yeah, so I guess I'm pretty much off of social media except I do have a Pinterest account. It's at Erin Keif.

Don't do this. I can't delete it. I don't have the login.

Very simple. So I don't have the login to it. There's some pretty good stuff on here. One of my favorite things that I have on my, again, this is mine.

Adal, I did a terrible thing.

My Pinterest ad.

You're the queen of this episode. You can stop this.

Jupiter. Oh yeah, Jupiter.

At Erin Keif is a- It's a- Something's wrong my queen. I don't know what's happening but- The category is just retro ads and there's a smeared off ad with a Woody Allen featured on it. No! Oh my- From nine years ago. That doesn't age well.

My queen I think I know what's wrong. Say it again.

Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Walk-a-walk-a kids at Erin Keif on Pinterest. No please!

Count him off, off with his ad.

Sorry, Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney could be editing. I'm already parenting the music.

Hey there best addressed, if you like that you are going to love this week's Patreon. We flip open a high school yearbook and we do scenes about superlatives. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle and joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there! That was a hate gun podcast.