Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey there Hawkeyes and Hulks. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We play a game based on the top grossing movies of all time and seeing some scenes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. See you there!

This has been HeyRiddleRiddle created by Adal Rifai. Starting Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toby could be editing. M.R.E. parents in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emma Eno Woods.

Waka Waka, kids! Bye forever. Now Erin I don't know if you know but there's a very small village in Denmark with only a population of one and the one, the one person that lives there is this beautiful tall woman who's the funniest, tallest woman in the world. Do you know her name or the name of the town? It's the same thing.

It's the same name. It's the same name.

It's not Erin. Jupiter.

Oh yeah, I want to mention our Patreon. It's patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. We have so much great bonus content you can check out there. I also, like I said at the top of the show, I want to apologize for my head cold and my gross sound, so apologies again for that. Also check out on Stitcher Premium. Hey Tavern Tavern. It's the three of us in the Hello from the Magic Tavern world doing some fun stuff. And I also want to mention I don't agree with what JPC said about Hershey Bars in his plugs. And Erin, I want to second your plug for the band Aqua. Check out their albums, they're phenomenal musicians.

Oh, I would love to plug my Twitch. It's twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. I stream most days over there. So you can always check me out. Give me a follow. Give me a sub. If you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, you know, we all have to make the hard decisions in this world. Go ahead and just give me your free Prime sub. It doesn't cost you anything and I get a little couple of bucks for it. It's great for everyone. I gotta also say... Denmark does not have Hershey's chocolate. So if you are looking for superior quality chocolate, do not go to Denmark. They don't have the basic fundamental chocolate. Hershey's is the worst. It's the worst chocolate. It's the worst chocolate. Adal, anything to plug?

I would like to plug my Instagram, Erin Keif 10, about once every five weeks. I go through and I respond to all of your messages and I love doing that. So if you want to send me a message, you can find me over there. I also have been really loving Crush's podcast and I really love the podcast improv is dead. All fellow Chicago comedy people. Huge fan. So check that out. Also, check out Aqua. I know what you're thinking. I haven't listened to Aqua in 20 years. Dr. Jones is the best song ever. Go to Spotify, type it in, close your eyes, and ride the roller coaster of happiness and love, my friends.

Aqua is going to be so surprised when their numbers spike.

GPC, anything to plug. Alright, let's get into some main course riddles. These are listeners submitted, obviously, just like the warm-up ones were. And these are from M from Canada. So thank you, M. Let's get into it.

Let's get dangerous.

Let's get dangerous.

Is what Darkwing Duck would say.

Ooh, okay. I wanted to let enough time pass, but we had someone whose name was Em and then Adal didn't launch into his Eminem impression. This head cold must be something, man. This thing is really fucking with you. This is a head cold podcast.

You guys join the Patreon for nothing else other than Adal's two Eminem raps. They're my favorite thing. So these are from Em and Em says, I stole these riddles from a page a day puzzle calendar from 2014. Each one gives four unrelated words and to solve it you have to find rhyming words so that the first word becomes a category and the following three become items in that category. It's just more simple if I give you an example because it's really confusing.

Good because I literally watched the light leave Adal's eyes. I saw Adal's soul step outside of his body, look back at him, shake his head no, and then they both departed.

He goes, I can't do this.

As my soul was leaving, my body tried to grab onto its feet and said, take me with you.

Remember we love Riddles again. We love Riddles.

But can we also say, canonically, we hate the instructions for them. Oh yes, of course. This ain't school, okay? I don't need homework right now. I love riddles, and I do all year, but I hate homework.

JPC doesn't like instructions. He's thrown so many cookbooks out the window. He goes, don't tell me how much sugar I gotta put in brownies.

He's the bad boy of baking. We need to do an episode where we ask our parents for help with riddles. Where we all have our parents on a phone and we go, mom.

Just crying at the dining room table at 10 p.m. going like, I don't get it. All right. So, for example, shower, lazy, faster, nose.

What is this, a Daft Punk song? Shower, lazy, faster, nose.

Shower, lazy, faster, nose. The solution would be flower, daisy, aster, rose.

Is an aster a type of flower? That's my only question. And there's no natural category to the four words. They're just random four words.

Yeah, the first four words are completely random. Okay. Each one gives four unrelated words and to solve it you have to find rhyming words so that the first word becomes a category and the following three become items in that category.

I'm from Canada. I love this.

I love it.

I have a question from Canada. Now, I have not been to Canada since I was a young child, but it's possible that someone from Canada came to the United States. And my question, I guess, is just a general question. What did I do to you? Did I do something wrong to you? Did we cross paths? Did I dismiss you out of hand? Did I slight you in some way? Was my behavior somewhat offensive to you? I want to know because I need to apologize. And I feel like I'm being punished.

Well, JBC I know exactly what you did because I have a newspaper from when you were a young child redundant in 2003 and you as a child got a stepladder and slapped a mountie horse.

It took him so long to set it up just right, he readjusted the ladder several times, climbed up it, and slapped him right across the face.

In my defense, I thought it was a Hands on a Hard Body contest, and I really wanted to win that horse. That thing back kicked me. It kicked me so far, I immediately lost the contest, which was not a contest.

And then he said hockey sucks, and then backed away into the United States.

Erin and Ken, that's called soccer. But I get the game, Erin. I love it. I want to play it. I want to do great at it. Let's get this party started.

Alright, let's do it. Loyalty. Spring. Clean. Rinse.

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

Yes, GPC. Solve that puzzle.

Royalty. King. Queen. Pence.

Yes! He did it! He did it!

Mike Pence, the former prince of Indiana. We call our governor the prince for the only state that does that.

And you're a huge fan of his, right?

Just his political work.

Hate his haircut.

Have you two read the children's book, La Petite Pence? No. It's about a tiny Mike Pence who lives on the moon. It's a beautiful story.

What would it take for you to read, let's assume Mike Pence has written a book, he has to have written a book because all politicians would, what would it take for one of you to read in its entirety Mike Pence's book?

If the name was like a good pun, if it was like Pence Pals, Or something like that, I would... Take a pence, leave a pence.

Six pence, the economy the poorer.

Six pence, none the richer, and I like it that way. I think it would have to be a picture book and it would have to be from a trash can on the side of the road.

Okay guys, well I gotta tell you that it looks like there are some articles from Simon and Schuster that Mike Pence has signed.

Wait, wait, wait. Simon and Schuster? What happened to Garfunkel?

So it looks like they're both doing solo things now and they just, they want it better this way.

Garfunkel thought that he was the brains and voice of the operation. I'll never get over it.

Mike Pence has a two book deal. And it doesn't look like maybe it's not even out yet, but we can at some point look forward to reading Mike Pence's book. It is entirety on the Patreon.

I know I've said this before on the show, but I wish I had Garfunkel confidence. I'm aiming to have that kind of confidence going into my 30s. I want to think I'm more talented than Paul Simon.

Can we do a new weekly three panel cartoon? It's called Garfunkel, and it's a nice New York City singer-songwriter cat. Okay. And that's all I have right now. Yeah.

Okay.

It hates Mondays. What else?

Los Angeles.

Central Park.

The only living cat in New York. I love it. Okay. So the next one is knowledge, braille, puke, and myth.

Nothing rhymes with knowledge.

Yes, it does.

Okay.

And if you had gone to this place, you would know that.

I'd like to solve.

Yes. Adal solve that puzzle.

College.

Yes.

Duke. Wait, can you repeat the words?

Braille, Puke, and Myth.

Braille is Yale, Puke is Duke, and Myth, M-Y-T-H. Oh I know it. Smith. Yes. I believe it's pronounced Smythe.

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are a dad and Adal you are a son and you just got all of your college acceptance letters in the mail and you're opening them to see where you got into school.

And Erin, you said JPC's a dad, I am a son. Am I JPC's son, or I'm just any son?

You are JPC's son. I am sorry. I should have specified. Oh, his soul's leaving his body.

Alright kiddo, it's a pretty big day. I got the photo recorder all set up so we are capturing this moment forever.

The photo recorder? Death. Jesus.

What? The photo recorder? I'm just trying to be supportive of my special guy on his big day. I only wish that my pop was around to capture this moment for me when I was your age. Where was he? We don't know. He... That's actually kind of a sad story. He claimed to have been abducted by aliens several times, and then one day he just disappeared forever. Sometimes when I look up at the moon, I still think about him. Maybe my old man's up there, maybe he's thinking about me. Hell, I use this photo recorder to see if I can capture a glimpse of him amongst the clouds, but I never do. I never do. Oh Dad, look what I got into. I wonder what he's getting into now. Up there, so far away in the clouds, in the sky. If he's still alive, but he would be. Alien technology can keep you alive for much longer than we mere humans can live.

I don't know how you know that. Dad, will you take a look at this acceptance? Dad, put down the guitar. Put down the guitar.

Sorry, just noodling around, thinking about the man. Maybe he's still alive. Probably not. Anyway, it's your big day, buddy. Go ahead and open up your first, uh, your first acceptance letter.

I hope it's an acceptance letter. It is. And look what I got into. I got into the University of Florida Occidental UFO.

You got into the University of, you're going to be just like your old man. A UFO grad. That's where you went, dad. No, you're right. I didn't go to college. I was on the road tracking down my old man. Looking up at the stars in the sky at night trying to figure out where he went with my old photo recorder.

Well, I'm gonna take a walk outside. This is like hurting a thousand mice.

No!

Don't go outside! That's where they are, son!

You gotta stay inside with me!

Put your hat back on. Put your foil hat back on.

What's this beam of light? Dad? Dad I'm getting- Put down the guitar!

Put down the guitar and help me! I can't! I gotta play! Who's the guy that plays Cliffs of Dover? Is that like Eric Johnston or something? The famous artist? Cliffs of Dover? There's a song called Cliffs of Dover that's amazing and it's like by a famous guitarist but I forget it's not Joe Satriani it's like Eric Johnston or something.

Dude you are obsessed with the Cliffs of Dover. The Cliffs of Dover tried to be one time and the guy cannot stop talking about it for the rest of his life. Erin, that's what makes me get fucked up.

Yep, somebody tell Adal about Google. I'm tired of him not knowing what Google is. Type it into your computer!

I try to be present during the recordings.

Sorry, what? I was googling ice cream. I just wanted to go get pictures of ice cream.

I'm sorry, what? I was googling Mike Pence book deal. Let's go back to the Riddle.

Okay. curb climb paragon kennel

Curb. Okay, J.B.C., let's work together on this one.

Oh, Adal, so what happens when you really have to pass a turb?

You guys are coming together.

I gotta pass a turb.

I just pooped the biggest turb I ever seen.

Yo, I got a little prairie dog. I'm prairie dogging this turb. Look at them, they're having fun. Erin, Erin, look.

Look, look, look, look, look.

It's like kids on a diving board.

Erin, look, look, look, look, look. Watch, watch, watch, watch.

So, curb could rhyme with burb. Burb?

Yeah. Do every letter of the alphabet.

Sure. There's a couple types of burbs. There's a stork. There's a pelic bin. There's a toucambre. There's a flamingblo. Flamingblo. What other burbs are there? Oh, ooh, ooh. A curb could rhyme with herb. Oh, that's it. And Erin will repeat the last three words. One at a time.

Climb.

That is time.

Speaking of Art Garfunkel, Rosemary Thyme, Sage, and Parsley.

Imagine being so high that you're just looking at your spice cabinet and then you make up a song and an album based on that. Yeah, imagine.

What are the other two? Hold on, Adal, if you were to be high looking at your spice cabinet, give me a little snippet of what that song might be.

Nice.

Oh, fuck. It's all right here. Oh, nutmeg cinnamon. Nutmeg cinnamon. First two. Both the spices put in eggnog makes it nice and thin. Oh, but nutmeg cinnamon. Nutmeg cinnamon. I got a nut, I got a megh. Married cinnamon. Ah, so fucking high.

Salt, salt, pepper, and salt, salt, and pepper, and a salt, salt, pepper, and salt, salt, and pepper. Salt, salt, pepper, and sugar, and pepper, and a salt, pepper, salt, pepper, salt, and pepper.

That's so funny. I do love one of those songs where they're like, okay, we love the song, but you do say in the song, I got a nut. And we do think the internet is going to misunderstand that.

We don't understand how they can take that out of context. We don't get what that means. Not make cinnamon. Not make cinnamon.

Listen, we love the song. All we're saying is when kids are watching these superheroes busting ghosts, the phrase busting makes me feel good is going to hit different with the parents.

Okay. Time. So you got time.

Yes.

Paragon.

Paragon. Paragon.

Kennel.

Fiddle.

Yeah, you did it. Nice. Okay, very good. I thought they were. Thanks for making the show, and I hope you all have a wonderful day. M from Canadian. Thank you for that. These next riddles come.

Can I see a scene real quick?

Mm-hmm.

I'd allow it. Oh, thank you so much, Judge. I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you are sort of a, maybe like a C-list, Mary Poppins. It's like if Mary Poppins was like a hot mess. Right. JBC, you are a young boy that she is babysitting or nannying for. Okay, sure. And Erin, you're trying to get him to take his medicine, and you have a fun little trick on what makes the medicine go down smoother, but it's not a spoonful of sugar.

For every job that must be done, there is an element of, oh f***, where's my bag? Oh f***, my whole life's in this bag. F*** me. My bag. Holy s**t. Oh God. Okay.

Sherri Grubbins. Sherri Grubbins.

Yes. Hold the f**k on, please.

Oh my ears.

You've got nothing but time. You're a child, please.

For the love of... I've never heard... Oh God. Sherri Grubbins, I must have my medicine.

No, I'm trying to find it. It's more than just your medicine in this bag. Oh f**k me.

Don't put everything in a f- one bag Mer- Sherry Grobins, this is the police. Come out with your hands up.

Okay, we're not here, we're not here, we're not here, we're not here, we're not here, we're not here, we're not here.

What do you mean we're not here? Shut the f- up.

Sit down on the ground.

Can I be in my bed?

For just a quiet boy on the floor trying to not get caught by the police. To not get caught by the police. Shut the f**k up.

We can hear you in there singing. So we're gonna start singing too. Are you ready police?

Ee-oh. Ee-oh. It's super f**king annoying that you're outside of my door. Sherry Grubbins. Sherry Grubbins. She never found her bag. Oh Sherry Grubbins. Oh Sherry Grubbins.

I like that you just played Lily Allen. Fuck, my whole life is in this bag. Fuck me, David Harbour.

Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much.

We gotta make that a feature length film. Erin, what's the next riddle?

These are from Sarah. Ah, thank you Sarah. Oh, so we're out of the rhyme time? Yeah, those are done.

Yeah, those are so fun. Okay, on to Sarah, sorry.

Alright. Of letters five, the first and last, long awaited shining ring, resting place of King's long past buried where the waters sing. What am I?

This is a national treasure-esque treasure map. Nick Cage and the other guy have to find it. Okay.

It says Nick Cage and the other guy have to find it.

Hey, we all wish we could remember that guy's name and he was huge for six years. John Voight?

No, he was just around in movies for six years.

He was the sidekick guy. In national treasure? He was the sidekick in national treasure.

Is he in the hangover? Josh?

He may have been the guy in the hangover. Yes, the guy who gets lost. The husband?

The one that we don't see pretty much in the hangover. It's the guy getting married, right? It's his bachelor party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Couldn't possibly tell you.

Well, we'll never know because we can't Google it because we're being present or whatever. I don't fucking care.

Because we all put our phones in the middle of the table and the first person to touch their phone has to buy dinner and we all ordered big pizzas.

Big pizzas.

Expanses.

Of letters five, the first and last, long awaited shining ring, resting place of King's long past buried where the waters sing.

Where am I? Where am I? Last time you said what am I?

Or what am I, sorry?

Drunk.

Drunk.

This feels like a stage description for like a Sonic the Hedgehog game. Okay. So is this like, is the answer like the Aqua Temple or something like that? Cause they talk about collecting rings. They talk about like a weird location.

Rising Place of Kings, which would be Dr. Robotnik, who's eventually a maid king.

Okay, where do kings rest?

In pyramids? Tombs. Tombs. But it was a five-letter word. Tombs with an S or graves?

No.

Okay.

So this is a little bit confusing, so I'm going to give you, I'm going to guide you through it a little. Okay. So what is five letters that isn't a word, but it's sort of a list of five letters if you don't count why?

What is five letters that isn't the word?

Yes.

A-E-I-O-U.

Yeah, so what's the first and last letter of what you just said?

A and U. Gold. You.

Yes, it's gold.

Gold in them.

Long awaited shining ring, resting place of King's long past buried where the waters sing. Gold. Cool. I'd like to see a scene.

Sure.

Yes. You're two men who have gone west and you're panning for gold, and that's the scene.

Thank you. Gary, why don't you come down here by the river. I made a bit of a discovery. Ooh! Hot sauce! You found something? Well, yeah, I did find something. You found gold? Well, close. Now I found a fish here, and this fish has a bit of glint to its scales. Okay, I'll humor you. Looks like a fish to me. Let me bite it, make sure it's real. Yeah, that's a real fish. It's dead now.

You took a huge chunk out of that fish. I was gonna say throw it back, but uh, but nope. Okay, now you just threw a dead fish in the water. So I don't know what you try to scare off his friends. Try to set an example of this is what happens to fish.

Oh fuck, he's dead. I'm scared. We're all scared and we're swimming away.

Great. Okay, well now all the fish are gone. It looks like they all... I mean, I guess your sadistic fish torture site is pushing the fish away. I'm gonna go back and pay for gold over in my claim. Just, you let me know if you find anything interesting, okay? Oh Gary, Gary, look. I found something else. Okay, what is it?

Now, if you look yonder past the mountains, just above that peak over there, in between the clouds, you see that big golden ball?

That's the sun. Are you staring directly at the sun? I'm staring directly at the biggest piece of gold I ever seen. Okay, you gotta stop.

You're gonna burn out your eyes. That will destroy your eyes.

When I close my eyes, I still see the gold.

Yeah, they're gone. Your eyes are gone. Okay, so you're gonna be dead in a week out here.

Well, hold on. My eyes aren't gone. They're just liquid. Now they ran back inside the back of my head, and I feel it soshing out, coming out in my mouth. Uh-huh. Never thought I'd experience that sensation.

I never see the fellow swallow his eyes before, but I guess, yeah, here, Pan never go long enough. You've seen just about everything. Well, anyway, good luck at your claim. I'm gonna go head over back to mine. You call me if you find anything interesting.

Oh, Gary. Hey. Well, yeah, what is it, Chuck? I can't see anything anymore, but... You smell that?

Do I smell that?

Yeah. Smells like a... It smells like a bear.

I do smell that. It does smell... I guess it does smell like a bear. I mean, another thing that it smells like is a man who's only eating heart attack and beans farting. That's one smell that that could be. But you say bear, I say... I say just like a nasty liquid, you know, heavy cloud of human debris.

Hey, it's me. It's a bear. Hey, I'll wear the fish.

Holy smokes, it's a bear.

Wear the fish.

Uh, I think the fish all got scared away.

Scared away by what?

A dead fish?

Well, I mean, dead is a very delicate way of putting- You guys come into my home, you steal all my gold, you scare away my fish, and now I'm gonna eat you.

I only have one request, Bear, and it seems to be perfectly reasonable. Everything that you listed was something that we did. Before you eat us, can I please eat him? Let me at least get some semblance of revenge. Seriously, he smells horrible. I know, it's not going to be fun for me. It's really going to be about punishment for him, not a reward for me.

Alright, I get it. There's a food chain here. Go ahead.

I eat him, Bear eats me. You know, the world goes off.

I'm running away fuckers.

He is not going to get far without his eyes.

Cool. Let's finish these. Colors turned. Beaches burned. Diamonds burned. What am I?

Wow. A Rihanna song? This sounds like a Rihanna song. Colors burned. Like a B-side? I mean, not like one that we all know, but you know.

No, not like Umbrella. Colors burned. Colors burned. Colours turned. Beaches burned. Witches burned.

Diamonds burned. What am I?

Diamonds burned. So diamonds burned.

Diamonds burned. I'm sorry.

Diamonds sp... What am I?

You're drunk? Colours turned. Beaches burned. Diamonds spurned. What am I?

So... Okay. When do you spurn a diamond? When someone proposes and you say... When you're in love. Oh no.

No, thank you.

And the first one was season- what was it? Something turned?

Color's turn.

Color's turn. So that would be the seasons, right? No. Spring, summer, fall, winter? No, okay. Fuck me I guess.

It just burned. No! Oh, color's turn!

Have you guys ever heard? It's the wheel on, price is right.

Have you guys ever seen- Somebody proposed, like in real life, like out in the wild, just seen someone propose.

Yeah, and I talked about it because it was at a, um, what was the name of that all-you-could-eat noodle place?

Oh, uh... Oh yeah, I remember you telling that.

Yeah, we thought the guy was robbing the place, but he was proposing.

That's such a wild thing to do there. But you've never seen someone say no, correct? Not in person, no.

No.

I did watch someone propose a comedy sports match one time and they declared it with us and apparently they were big fans of improv and she said yes but the look that she gave was like the most like frightened like it felt like if there had been no one there I don't know that a yes would have been it felt like it felt like a person who said yes to like move past this and then it was it was wild and it left me wondering forever if that ended up happening at all

She would have said fuck no, but she didn't want to get one of those swear bags put on her head.

Comedy swear bags. If romantic comedies are any indication though, we should have seen way more people say no. Because at least, you know, half of the proposals in media are no's.

And also we should meet way more 30 something year old people who have never been kissed. Exactly.

And we are 40 year old virgins. All of my friends should have way nicer apartments.

The way that men's apartments are represented in rom-coms, there's no more high fantasy thing ever. There's always like, they have like bar carts with scotch, and like a record player, and there's leather couches, and it looks super beautiful. Like, I have only ever seen dirty navy blue sheets, a single pillow that they've been sleeping on since college. The mattress is on the floor.

The couch is a beanbag.

Their bathroom is... You need to be wearing like a biohazard suit to go into it.

So, okay, I gotta see a scene. So, Erin, we're gonna do a little gender swap here. Erin, you're gonna be playing a guy who is bringing a girl back to his apartment. Let's say you've gone on like three or four dates at this point. Your apartment is just... Everything else about you is like romantic comedy ideal, you know? You're like the perfect guy on paper, but your apartment is just like a standard 20-year-old dipshit apartment. Adal, you're the girl who's seeing this apartment for the first time, and this is after your third or fourth date.

So this is me. Do you want to see where the magic happens? I'm kidding. I'm actually cool.

This is me? What does that mean?

I mean, this is my house. I know you said, yeah, I just was trying to make a little joke.

And you say, this is me to indicate this is your house?

I'm actually supposed to be super charming and cool and you don't get- we haven't gotten to the part where you- I'm joking. You're so charming and cool. I'm just a bumbling sort of likable idiot. I love it.

I would love to come in and see whatever Mad Men condo you own.

Okay, just be careful. A bunch of cans are gonna come cascading out of this door when I open it and- Did you live in a home alone house? Ah yeah, so just let's wade through some of this garbage. I don't know how to cook, so I eat fast food three meals a day. McDonald's is basically my house. Let's keep going through here. This is my roommate Todd. We were in a frat with Todd in college. Todd, you never close the door, right? You never lock it when you leave? Never close the door.

What's up Todd? Nice to meet you. You have great legs.

Yeah, this is Todd. He plays video games all day.

Why is his dog wrapped to the bed in fruit by the foot?

That's not a dog, my guy. That's a raccoon that we caught. Anyways, go this way, this way. Here's my refrigerator. We got Bud Light. We got a stick of butter that Todd's mom bought for us six years ago.

That butter smells like the inside of John Goodman's asshole.

Uh-huh, we got a rotten lime. What else we got here? Yeah, that's about it. We got some cheap vodka in the freezer.

Hey guys, I'm gonna go back to my room in just a second, but I gotta let you know if you find my replica copy of Aragorn Sword, don't touch it. I don't know where it is, but it's so valuable.

Aragorn? I think I saw it under your Boondock Saints poster.

Which one? I'll go look at all of them.

Yeah, just check them all out.

Why do you have so many stop signs? Did you steal these?

Yeah, fuck yeah we did and it was hilarious.

That's not hilarious.

Oh, it's so funny to steal stop signs that could potentially save people's lives right this way. This couch is from my mom's basement. Hold for applause.

This is a stuffed deer.

Mmhmm. And it's got stains, stains, stains. Anyways, the windows can't be opened. Hey guys, how'd it get dope?

Don't want to interrupt again. Rick, I just wanted to check with you. Porn's coming on. Do you want me to DVR it or are you guys going to be done?

Denise, what do you think? DVR? Watch it live? Let's watch it live. Yeah, sweet. Okay, pretty cool.

Okay.

Uh, yeah, sorry. I know it's really dirty in here and I know that it doesn't go well with my perfect architecture job and my great looks and my good smell, but I just never really learned to clean because I had this nanny growing up. She was a real piece of trash, but she used to clean our house. It was awesome.

It's okay. It's okay. And listen. I don't care where you live, okay? All I want is you. And now I want to fuck you on this mattress that's just laying on the floor.

Yeah, the fitted sheets are never quite around the edges of it. Kind of sexy hot, right?

That's because it's a king and the fitted sheets are for a queen. Thanks, Todd! Todd's helpful. Todd's pretty helpful.

I've been in that apartment. I think he wouldn't mind me saying this. That was Sean's first apartment when I met him when he was 22.

Wow. You wouldn't mind you saying that. That's wild.

No, we talk about it all the time. Now the microwave makes so much more sense. Yeah, no, he's a very clean person. I think just when you were in a frat in college, your first house, it was in Wrigleyville, they started from a negative place. It was a disgusting apartment that they moved into.

I knew that. Started at the bottom now you're here. JBC, what are you saying?

Sean just texted me, did you say my name?

I do a guy in college who would go to McDonald's and buy like $30 worth of food and then come home and eat it or eat whatever he was gonna eat and then put the rest of it in the microwave and then just microwave like the next day when he wanted some more and then take out what he was gonna eat and leave the rest of the microwave and then microwave it again and he would do that like three or four times until all of the food was gone from the microwave.

And did you see this man whenever he looked in the mirror?

The best thing that I ever did was become a vegetarian when I was 14 because I got to miss all of those terrible habits. I would just watch my friends eat McDonald's for every meal and be like, I've never been so lucky that I literally can't eat here. Let's hear this riddle again, Erin.

Yeah, so two things. Sean said, did you say my name? And I said yes. I was talking about your first apartment and he said, oh god. I'm ruined.

I'm ruined.

Okay, so we're gonna do two more and then we'll take a quick break. Colors turned, beaches burned, diamonds spurned. What am I?

Colors turned.

What would happen if you turned a beach?

If you burned a beach, it would turn into glass. Glass, my friend.

Yes, it's glass.

Glass. Okay, I get it. I get it.

One of my favorite roundhouse ever, Sweet Home Alabama. That guy, the hot one. her original husband in it. You guys know what I'm talking about? Leonard Skinner? No, in Sweet Home Alabama, not the song, the movie with Reese Witherspoon and he puts the stuff, the pillars in the sand during a storm and then they get struck by lightning and it burns the sand and it turns into glass sculptures.

What?

You haven't watched Sweet Home Alabama?

Not recently.

Why are we not watching that yearly? I don't know. I work with people who don't watch Sweet Home Alabama once a year.

I'll watch that one where the woman lives in a Walmart. Isn't that a movie? There's a rom-com where I think somebody lives in a Walmart.

Oh, that's not iconic though.

Adal got Nomad Lando as a rom-com, apparently.

What the fuck. Okay, guides you towards a peaceful dream paramount, oh sorry, guides you toward a peaceful dream paramount across the sea. Frag Bragrant herbal clouds of steam. Bragrant? Bragrant, sorry. Guides you toward a peaceful dream paramount across the sea. Bragrant herbal clouds of steam, messenger of destiny.

Well, if you want to get paramount across the sea, you're going to need a VPN.

Uh-huh. Guides you toward a peaceful dream, paramount across the sea. Bragrant herbal clouds of steam, messenger of destiny.

Is this a genie in a bottle?

I'm going to love you the right way.

No. So wait, was Christina Aguilera singing about her clit?

What? Yes. Go watch Sweet Home Alabama. Go. Go.

Am I in trouble?

Is this my first film? You're in so much trouble.

Fragrant purple clouds of steam. Is this a diffuser?

Fragrant herbal clouds of steam. Teapot? Yeah, tea. It's tea. What's the tea? Yes.

Erin, anything to plug?

And we're coming back from the break and we're doing some main course riddles.

Hey Erin, hey GPC. Do you have a minute to help? Yeah, of course.

I always have a minute to help you, my friend.

I was trying to remember this time I went on a trip with my family and as I was trying to remember it, my brain said memory full. Ooh. Do I have to clear cookies? Do I have to forget what cookies are?

Oh, I think I know what he's going for. You're talking about head space.

Yeah, I think I ran out of head space. I think my brain's all full.

Well, you know what that reminds me of Adal? I definitely will help you in a minute, but you know what that reminds me of?

What's that?

Uh, Headspace, the app that I use.

Oh yeah, I do rem- part of my memory that I still have is you talking about it.

Uh huh. It's a daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app. It's one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research.

Hey Erin, I'm going through some of my brain folders trying to figure out what I can throw in the trash to clear up some space. There's a big folder that says puns, and it says it's full of 5,000 terabytes of data.

You gotta go paperless pal.

You're gonna need that. That's your OS. So if you delete that, you're in trouble. Headspace's approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of well-being. Plus, it's backed by 25 published studies on its benefits, 600,000 five-star reviews, and over 60 million downloads.

And they have something for everyone. For parents, Headspace has morning meditations you can do with your kids. For me, for Erin's in the audience, I listen to Headspace when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. It helps so much. I'm listening for three minutes and I'm out like a light. It calms me down immediately.

Wait, I deleted some information and I'm starting to remember. You deserve to feel happier and Headspace is a meditation made simple. Go to Headspace.com slash Riddle. That's Headspace.com slash Riddle for a free one month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to Headspace.com slash Riddle today. I'm so glad I deleted those files.

You too. And Adal, I just got to say I've been thinking about this for two and a half minutes. Your idea for clear cookies, that is golden. What is it? It's like locale cookies.

Also, Adal, I'm definitely going to sort through your brain for you. That sounds like a mess of boxes in there.

Who's Adal? Oh, no. Hey, Erin. JPC and I wanted to talk to you. You know that episode we did where we made fun of your sweater?

Yeah, I remember that pretty clearly. Sort of burned in my memory.

What's up? Oh good, so you barely remember it. Um, that's good that you barely remember it. Um, JPC and I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

Oh, I, sorry, that reminds me, I feel like that's a podcast that just came out recently.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. What are you talking about?

Oh, I thought you were apologizing to me.

Oh, god no. Erin, we're telling you to listen to the podcast that our friends at Lemonada are doing called I'm Sorry. It's all about apologies and how they play out in the court of public opinion.

It's hosted by comedians Oha Lopez, Mohanad El-Sheke, and Kiki Monique.

The show unpacks the latest and greatest in Twitter gaffes, petty beef, and not so subtle shade, and debates when to let stuff go and when to say, I'm sorry, to be clear, Erin, we are not saying I'm sorry for the way that you were treated in this winter episode. We're just saying that this show, that would be a perfect example of something for the show.

And I'm not sorry for being late. I am grateful that you waited though.

Fair enough, fair enough. So check out the podcast, I'm Sorry, by Lemonada. The show premieres August 27th. Listen wherever you get podcasts. And Erin, what's this sweater you got on today?

It's a yellow t-shirt.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Surely I'm sorry.

I knew it.

And we'll be right back after these ads.

And some warm-up riddles. Listener submitted warm-up riddles. Ever heard of it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Actually, I have heard of these.

Oh, okay, cool. Well, then this will be easy for you and I'm sure you'll get the riddle right away.

Oh, JPC, I think it was a rhetorical question.

Oh, fuck. Did I get that wrong again? I have got... Eventually, I have got to Google it. Not during this episode, because I'm going to make a rule right now, no Googling during this episode.

Did you get it wrong again? Oh, I expected you to say yes.

Now I'm confused because... is it? God. You're confused? I really want to win that horse.

So, these come from Pavel, P-A-V-E-L, from Boston. Very cool. Thank you so much for listening in Boston.

We'll spell Boston as well, please.

B-O-S-T-O-N-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.

Nope, it's S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E. That's fine.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion. I bought a book of Russian children's riddles because I have a one-year-old who I am speaking Russian to. That's very cool. I bought this book on eBay and there's really only one riddle worth sending because it translates fairly well. Here it goes.

Notice they said they weren't teaching the child Russian. They said, I'm speaking to the child in Russian, which is probably baffling this child.

They also never said it was their child. This could just be a child that they see on walks and they're like trying to activate them as a sleeper cell.

I have a one-year-old, so hopefully it's a child.

Well, no. I mean, that just means they're in possession of a one-year-old. That does not mean that they're a biological father or is it a father?

I am not a king, but I wear a crown. I'm not a horse rider, but I have spurs. I'm not an alarm, but I wake everyone.

I like to solve all these puzzles.

It's one puzzle.

No. I'm not a king, but I have a crown that would be a tooth. I'm not a horse, but I have spurs that would be the city of San Antonio. And what was the third one?

I'm not an alarm, but I wake everyone. The answer to all three of these is from below Anthony.

Adal, is there any chance that he played for the Spurs?

Absolutely not. We're talking Nuggets, we're talking Knicks, we're talking Trailblazers, and now the Lakers.

Hey, if we're talking Nuggets, we're talking Benji or we're talking Chicken. We're talking Dino.

I do think the Denver Nuggets cheerleaders should be called like the sauces or the sweet and sours or something.

Oh yeah. They should just be branded. They should all be branded with a different uniform that's a different duck and sauce.

Oh, thank God. That's what you meant. When you said they should all be branded, I was worried.

Okay, just so we know, that is what I meant, what you were worried about. But not just cheerleaders. I think everybody should get branded.

You guys are according to the cult phase with JPC. He's trying to start a cult. Just ignore him.

Okay, first of all, you can't ignore a cult. That doesn't make it go away.

Oh my god. What is the answer?

Okay.

Airborne. Take it at the first sign of a cult. Is this... Okay. I'm not a king, but I have a crown. I'm feeling really vulnerable.

And this person said they can make my career go a little further. All I have to do is move far, far away from my family and friends and worship a man who's a narcissist. Wait a minute.

Thanks Airboard. Created by a teacher.

There's nothing in the rules that says a born can't play basketball, Airboard. And the last one was I'm not an alarm clock but I wake everyone up.

Yeah, this is definitely the best clue.

Is that like a sun? No. Or a rooster? Oh, it's a rooster!

Yeah, it's a rooster! Rooster has a little crown.

Their legs, their feet have those little spurs. I want to see a scene. Oh, okay. Erin, you are a farmer. Thank you. And now we'll get into the scene. Erin, you're a farmer. You found that you have been unsuccessful as a farmer because you sleep too heavily. So you have invested in a rooster. And so this is morning number one with your new investment. JPC, you are the rooster and you're maybe not worth the money that was paid.

Sure.

Pardon me, ma'am. Now, I've been perusing through your kitchen supplies and I noticed that you have a wide variety of herbal teas. Why are you in my room? It's so dark outside. I'm a coffee rooster myself. And I do not get up out of bed without a hot cup of junk.

Are you wearing my bathrobe?

Now, this is your bathrobe? Then why does it fit me so well? That's what I would like to know.

I can only see your head. What do you mean it doesn't fit you so well?

Nah, I did find a little can of instant coffee, but a good God-fearing rooster such as myself would never deign to put instant coffee in here. Delicate rooster throat.

Are you waving my glasses? Am I dreaming?

These yaw glasses? Well then why has my prescription never felt so right? I must be near-sighted, far-sighted, and got all kinds of astigmatism.

Wait, sorry. Here are the rooster I hired yesterday. Aren't you supposed to stand on top of the roof and go... Too high!

It's simply too high up there, ma'am. Now, I did make my way up on top of the roof and I gotta tell you, those 30-year shingles aren't rated past 25 and they got five years left if there's a life of rooster in my butt.

This is a real boundary cross. I'm in bed with them. You're telling me.

The only reason I came and got this job is because my wife crossed kind of a boundary with another rooster, and I said, I'm packing up my bags, heading down to the Rooster Depot, and getting out of here.

Are you wearing my wedding ring?

This is your wedding ring? That's an honest mistake. I do apologize, I take it off, and I give it back. I did not see a gentleman in the house.

Men, you have to stay outside with the other animals. You can't just come into my house. You can't wear my bathroom, my glasses, and my ring.

Stay outside with the other animals? You expect me to frolic around with the chickens? You expect me to crows around with the cows? You expect me to hang out with the horses? Yes! I have never been so insulted in my life, and I got salted out of Kentucky Fried Chicken from there on 30 minutes when they thought that I was breakfast lunch together.

Seen.

I'm not done yet. I got plenty more to say.

You're fired.

I've never been a rooster that was also a lawyer. Y'all know if I'm made.

We've got another one. Ready?

Yes. Yes.

And another one. So one more warm up ready that I came across.

Okay.

These blades don't cut, but they are themselves cut. What they be.

These blades don't cut, but they are themselves cut. I mean Wesley Snipes was cut for blade, and then, um... Cut for time.

This is an unhelpful thought in your brain right now. This thought's not helping you.

Can you remember what it was when we were in Denmark that you asked me a question and I showed you something on my phone and you can tell the folks at home we were at that comedy club listening to an improv and stand-up show that was all in danish and you asked me a question and I very quickly googled something for you and then showed you my phone but I don't remember what the question was do you remember what the question was it was very late at night

No, I remember the second they started talking, you turned around to me and you went, well, uh-oh.

Speaking of Holland Danish, didn't know what they were saying.

And I laughed so hard.

What was the question? I don't remember, but it's a bit that I got from Brad Pike, which is when someone asked you a question. I went on my phone and very quickly googled Ryan Reynolds's Blade Trinity that showed you a picture of Ryan Reynolds's shirtless in Blade Trinity.

Oh, you know what it was? It's because I needed your help with my COVID pass. So I said, can you bring up the QR code?

You asked me, you asked me if you could use my QR scanner on my phone and I showed you a shirtless picture of Ryan Reynolds.

You're like, and I got it. And he pulled it up and it, it hit really hard, you guys. It's a great bit. You could, you should use it.

You should use that credit. Credit Brad Pike, Brad Pike, all credit goes to you, the devil's daughter. You can check out their Patreon, check out their podcast. But Erin, I got to say that my answer To what is cut and also cuts? I'm gonna say Ryan Reynolds from Blade Trinity because oil boy.

These blades don't cut but they are themselves cut.

I will say though like one use I think it's BIC disposable razors if you've ever had to shave with one of those in a pinch it is a fucking nightmare.

These colors don't run and these blades don't cut.

Uh, any guess of what it is? Um, I would like to see a scene then. If you don't know, I'm going to have to see a scene.

Wait, wait, wait. These blades don't cut. What about like helicopter blades? I guess they cut the air.

You think helicopter blades don't cut?

Yeah, I mean, they shouldn't. We hope they won't.

You have to watch one of the Indiana Jones. Erin, is it like safety scissors?

Nope. We're gonna see a scene. Okay, I gotta see a scene. JPC, you are the son now, and Adal you are his dad.

You are the son now.

And Adal... This is the first time you have made your son cut the grass with the lawnmower. And JPC, you're just complaining the whole time while your dad watches you mow the lawn.

Alright. Tad, push it forward. Dad, can't we get one of those, like, auto-pushing lawnmowers? Like, why do we have to use one with manual blades? Nobody, literally nobody uses these anymore.

I'm teaching you responsibility, okay? How is this responsibility? Because it's awful. And you should know that life is awful. So I'm setting you up for life. Because last night, you came home wearing a what? Wig. A wig. Yeah. And it wasn't just any wig, right? No. No.

It was a Wigman's party platter.

It was a Wigman's party platter under her head.

I think that's a regional food grocery store, sir.

There was Capicola, there was Salami, there was Munster, there was Cheddar.

All the meats, all the cheeses, sir.

Yeah, and then what happened to all the neighborhood dogs?

They ran inside our... They ran inside our Ford pickup truck. That's right. And they all put on their hats and sunglasses, and they played a little poker in the bed of the truck.

Yep, and then they drove off. Like in a country song. Dogs driving a pickup truck.

Dad, don't you get it? I don't need to learn responsibility. I know life's awful. You're already my dad. It's gonna be a bad life for me. Okay. Can't we at least compromise and get a working lawnmower? You are a working lawnmower, okay? You are.

And here's the thing.

I'll pay for it. You'll pay for what? I'll pay for the lawnmower. With what money? The money I won from playing poker with the dogs in our truck, sir.

Exactly. I love any regional grocery store.

Was anything that we said in there the answer to the riddle?

Yes, I set up a scene that's the answer to the riddle. It's grass.

Grass! These blades don't cut?

Mm-hmm.

A blade of grass. I'm sorry. Oh, the blades of grass, okay.

I feel like as a child I have gotten a paper cut from a blade of grass. I feel like that has happened to me.

I've absolutely had that happen. Sharp grass.

Sharp grass overall.

Adal, GBC, how are you guys?

Good.

We just came back from a long trip together.

A 12-day trip for some of us and... And boy are our arms tired.

Arms tired.

I gotta say, at 12 days, I think mine was 10 days. Too long! Erin, what do you think about trip life? Yours was a little longer.

Yeah, mine was like... 16 days, 17 days, way too long to be away from my dog and her little nose. Absolutely not. Would never do a trip that long again, but I had the best time and it was so fun to see how many waffles JPC could put in his body in the shortest amount of time I've ever seen. JPC, tell everyone about your waffle experience in Denmark.

I mean, I think I ate waffles almost every day that we were there. I was there for 10 days and I think I had waffles six times. I think was what I clocked in at.

But every day he'd come in with... Adal, he would come in real hot. We wouldn't even be asking about the waffles. And he would claim, I am absolutely not having waffles today. I will not be eating waffles. And Adal and I would look at each other like, well... Nobody brought up waffles.

Hey Riddle.

Hey Riddle Rifai,

Which was very fun.

Loved that. Loved Copenhagen in general. Loved Denmark. It was, I mean, I loved so much of the trip, but a highlight for me was getting to see some improv, like getting to watch people improvise in class. Everyone was so talented and so funny. And then I also loved, we got to see Aqua, the band kind of by accident. Adal.

I thought, so I told Erin when she first arove in Odinsa, which was the time we performed in, uh, did I say you were roved?

Yeah, you're tired.

And I thought, I thought what a word. Wow. When you arrived in Odinsa, I leaned over to you while we were eating dinner and JBC was eating waffles. And I said, Erin, can I blow your mind? And she goes, what, what is it? Don't joke around. And I go, Aqua is playing at this festival and Erin gave a scream that turned into a laugh that turned into her sobbing and then JPC said no no no they played yesterday or last night and Erin scrambled onto her phone and looked it up and it was like five days away so he didn't miss it And then we went to buy tickets and I thought it would be like funny, like I thought it would be like we see Aqua and it's like funny and we have a good time because it's dumb. But we had a good time because it was amazing. They were, I mean it was it was a tight tight performance. They played all the hits. It was such a blast.

They played all the hits they could play. They played all the hits that they had to play.

And they spoke to the crowd only in Danish.

All their songs were in English, which is very strange.

I could not have had more fun if I had tried at that concert. My cheeks hurt from smiling after the night. They played Dr. Jones and I was so happy. That's my favorite song of theirs and it was so good. You guys, it was so good. I'm so happy about it.

We were saying the guy from Aqua should like remix almost any song with him just popping in to say something. And I think we landed on Beatles songs. Like, I wanna hold your hand. And the guy would pop in and say, Hold your hand.

I'm holding your hand. I love to hold your little hand. Holding hands. My hands are a little bigger. Hold the hands and hold the hands.

The guy from Aqua truly, I mean, he truly got a great deal out of it because he gets to be a singer and he doesn't have to sing. And what a like, what a wonderful, it's kind of like how we all get to call ourselves comedians.

Yeah.

Without being funny.

Baby, I'll be missing you.

And I hope you miss me too. I now realize that my go-to for karaoke is going to be all Aqua songs because that's what I, and during karaoke I want to sing without singing.

Oh yeah. I just wanted to say, and I let it slip earlier because we got really into the aqua talk, but I really enjoyed Copenhagen, but now I feel like I got a cope from all the hanging I'm missing. Ooh, nice one. That's good. Because we're not there anymore.

Yeah, I love it. I love that. I love that for you. JPC, I love that for you.

The other thing that we saw when we were in Copenhagen, right outside of our hotel, Adal and I, was an Iron Man race, and I googled, but we won't google this episode, I googled what an Iron Man race is because I was like, I'm vaguely familiar with the idea. It is basically a death march. I don't know anyone who's ever done Iron Man, but then we watched some of the Iron Man people walk by, and I kid you not, we saw nine of the exact same guy. They look like clones. It was like watching Stormtrooper training squad because it was all Boba Fett clones.

Yeah, it was like if the Winklevoss twins had nine brothers.

Yeah, just running with dead eyes after they swam 40 miles and biked 180 days. It was wild. It was insane.

I would never.

No, me neither. I could never. I would blow up. I would just die.

And Erin and JPC, before we get too far in, I do want to apologize, because I have a bit of a head cold. And I'll buy some- You? Yeah!

No! I can't tell it all about your voice and your everything.

Oh, wait. You're being fashbishbish. Welcome to Beverly.

And welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin Keif.

I'm JPC.

And I'm Adal Rifai. You guys, can we try something kind of, I don't know, little spooky, little weird, little quirky, little fun for this episode?

Okay, I'm into it, Erin. What do you have for us? I'm all errors. What if we make this as... Hold on, sorry, Adal's eyes are all zeros and ones. I think he's all errors. Let me just do a hard reset. There we go. Tilt, tilt, tilt.

Oh, he's better. So I would like to make this as confusing and difficult to record as possible. You know I like to make things a little tricky on everyone. And let's do a reverse episode. Sort of start at the end, go back to the beginning, have our food before our dessert of talking at the end. What do you guys think?

Erin, just to clarify, this is a reverse episode, this is not a Tarantino episode. We're not gonna see in the middle, we're not gonna see one scene from the beginning. It's not just gonna be, it's just reverse straight through, not out of order.

We'll kick that one down the road. We'll do that later. Complete out of order.

And sorry Erin, is this kind of like the Twin Peaks movie where one of us is talking backwards and giving clues and the rest of us have to solve a murder?

That will be really confusing. I don't know who we would murder. So let's just do a regular old reverse episode.

This is just a standard backwards episode.

But we've already started. Isn't it too late?

Nope. Let's begin right in now.

Oh, the miracle finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife and the horse was being fried.

Okay, already recording? Yep.

Yes, I am. I was cousins with Flea, but I fled because he hit me.

JPC mentions his cousin every chance he gets. Anthony Kiedis kissed me on the pisser. We're ready to go, baby! That was a Headgum podcast.