Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast. Uh, YooHoo, um, I would like a Mai Tai and... Wait, a YooHoo or a Mai Tai? Um, both.

The YooHoo is for me. The Mai Tai is for the lady. Oh, okay.

Uh, yeah. So, uh, could we have a YooHoo, Mai Tai, and would anything to eat, anything to eat, JBC, anything you want?

Oh, um, do you have turkey burgers?

Do you have turkey burgers? JPC wants a turkey burger.

No, no, no. I want to know if they have them.

Well, we do have a menu, which I brought to you a few minutes ago.

No, we want to ask you of everything. We are going to ask you. I don't want to read a menu. We're going to keep asking.

We're not then you reading people. It just sucks because you motioned me over here and it seems like you are not ready to order.

You who? Um, yeah. Could I have Domino's? Do you have Domino's pizza here?

Um, there's a Domino's three doors down.

That's not the same thing.

This is the story of a girl. I don't think that's three doors down. Couldn't be.

Do you have, ooh, what do I want to know?

I'm sorry to intrude or ask. Popcorn shrimp? Ma'am, I'm sorry to ask this. It seems like your husband is much more, I don't know how to say this, much more wealthy, much more influential. Just the sound of his voice. He seems very Tony.

My voice isn't fancy enough. I can try a little harder.

Sir, can you talk again? I can also tone mine down. Okay, let's try. Well, it's me. I hated that. I hated that.

So I guess we'll take two Domino's pizzas, a turkey burger, a yoo hoo, and a mai tai. Thank you.

Okay. Can you believe Table 4? They asked me for a Yoo-hoo, a Mai Tai, two Domino's pizza. Jake, what are we going to do?

Whoa, whoa, wait. I was just at table eight. They asked me for a Yoo-hoo, a Mai Tai, and two Domino's pizza.

A Mai Tai? What's a Mai Tai?

Hi Mai! I'm high at work.

And I'm Adal Rifai Tai. And I'm absolutely flabbergasted that JPC is standing while recording this episode.

I'm J-P-C-O-ber for eight years, maybe?

J-P-C-D-E-F-G.

And I'm Erin on the side of drunk. Hello?

And we are Hey Riddle Riddle, a riddle podcast. It's about three people who try and solve riddles or something. And along the way, we scream.

And along the way, we find out that the real riddle was the friends we made along the way. Now, Erin, you are correct. I am standing today because I sometimes, it's only happened, I think maybe once in the past year, and it was a very minor tweak. I tweaked my back when I was working out and I could feel it. Hey Riddle. I am so glad I don't know what that means and I can't relate to that feeling. I think it was a muscle thing. I don't think I've ever felt a bone thing happen in my body and if I did I would be very concerned.

I've never had a little rib out of place. Adal, I scared him. Calm him down, please.

Hey, buddy. It's all gonna be okay. It's all gonna be okay. Just remember, there's skeletons living inside of us at all times.

Everyone's got a skeleton. And one day they win. I've never had that happen, but one time I was walking down the stairs at the house that I grew up in, or house that I went to grade school. I was walking down the stairs, and I felt a pain in my leg as I was walking down the stairs, and then I fell down the stairs. And then I had a little bone sticking, like popping out of my knee. Yeah. So I, and I was like, it hurts very much. And so we went to the doctor and the doctor said, Oh, this is just, this is, I know what this is. This is a thing that people are born with. You were like born with this. And I was like, oh, I don't think so. I think it hurt me. And then it stopped hurting eventually. And I was like, I think this is like just like something that I should be like dealt with. And he was like, no, it's like, it's not bone. It's like cartilage. It's hard. But it's just like, it's something people are born with. And I was like, can I just say, I think it happened to me. I mean, I don't have a kid, but like, I don't think I was born with this. And I still got it. I still got this little like piece of cartilage sticking out of my knee.

I think this speaks volumes to the Indiana healthcare system, that you go to a doctor and whatever's wrong with you they go, nah, I've seen this before, you're born with it. And they're like, I was shot in the shoulder. No, you're born with this.

Actually, doctors not listening to patients is not unique to Indiana. It's actually a systemic problem.

I love the confidence of, oh yeah, I know what this is. No, okay, yeah, I know what this is. This is definitely something I've seen before.

I was bit by a Black Widow spider. No, no, no, no, no. You were born with this.

No, you saw Black Widow in the theaters. That's what you did. But anyway, I felt earlier today, I felt a little like kind of tweak in my back and I said, you know what? I think I need a stand. And so I have, I've always had the capability. This is a standing desk, so I've always had the capability to stand. And today I choose to exercise my God-given right.

Hell yeah. In my old house, which is actually a house not a mansion like JPC's. It was a very big house. One day Sadia was chasing me up the stairs and I was screaming and as she was chasing me up the stairs she grabbed one of my feet. Which one? My right foot. And she wouldn't let go and she was tugging on it and I was screaming and I was squealing and flailing like a bleeding seal. And I said let go and I kicked her with my other foot and I kicked her right in the chin and her lower two teeth got embedded in her upper lip. And she was trying to talk but she couldn't open her mouth and then eventually she had to like yank down on her chin or like flex her jaw down very hard.

Yeah we've all seen cartoons.

And her teeth came out and just started pouring blood like a faucet so we had to wrap up her face in a towel and take her to the ER. I'm Erin, every time I see you, I just want to give you like a 10 minute hug and just go, it's okay.

I get that a lot. Yeah, there's something inherently clumsy, unlucky, prone to accident about me. I've also seen some pretty crazy injuries. So that's sort of my deal.

I once was standing with Erin waiting for a bus and she was standing normally and out of nowhere, her jeans just split in half.

Yeah. Horizontally. They turned into shorts. It was a freak accident.

If I saw that, I would turn to the person I was with and I was like, are superheroes a thing? Are those real superheroes based on something? Because I just watched that person turn pants into shorts and then I lie off into this guy.

I love it's like, oh Clark, you're back at the office today. Do you have a story for the Daily Bugle? And then there's like police sirens and he's like, sorry, I have to go to the bathroom. And his pants just horizontally split.

And they're like, where'd Clark go? Like super shorts?

What are you doing here?

I just imagine like a Hulk Hogan's shirt level of material. You know that he would just rip off before it. Sure. But you're just flexing your thighs. Your pants just burst off into shorts. That would be cool. Squeech.

Yeah. I hope to one day make that happen for myself. Time to start working out. Oh, man. It's good to have goals. I wonder, and this is just me wondering out loud. Okay. And Adal, we can talk about this. How do you think JPC's standing will change his comedy?

I think his characters are going to be a lot more physical. I think they're going to be a lot more... They're going to talk faster. They're going to be a lot more New York style.

New York City! There you go.

Get the jokes. And I think that there will be more of a looming presence in the scenes.

I mean listeners, if you've ever been to an improv show before, there's a huge difference between a scene where people are sitting in seats and when people are standing. And so you might get to hear that difference today. It's a very rare occasion that someone on Hey Riddle Riddle is standing.

I think it's going to be mostly the same. I do think it's going to be that my legs are going to get a little tired.

Oh!

That's what I think. It's gonna be the same, but I'll get more tired, I think.

I do love that right now JPC is standing exactly like a professional athlete during the national anthem. Like he has both his hands clasped behind his back.

This is parade rest.

He's standing shoulder-width apart with his feet, and he's kind of swaying back and forth. It's uncanny.

He's ready for orders.

The other thing that I have as well, because I'm no neophyte when it comes to a standing desk, because I have a standing desk pad, which is just like an inch and a half cushioned pad that you stand on. And that's supposed to be better for your joints, so you're not just standing on the hard floor. And not only that, but I'm also standing on these house crocs that Hi Riddle.

I have a pair of crocs too, and Gemma ridiculed me. Can you house croc me fucker? I have a pair of crocs as well, and when I got them, Gemma ridiculed me mercilessly. And then like three months later, she was like, I would like a pair. And so I got her a pair as well.

So for me, Mariah got a pair of crocs that showed up in the mail and she started wearing them around and she was like, I got house crocs. And I said, Did they make those for people like me as well? And she was like, I assume so. And I was like, for assholes? Woulda loved the heads up that were doing house crops. I love a house sandal.

Why didn't you mention that at the family meeting?

That's a huge change. Just to have them show up. So then she bought me some as well. Hers are purple, and I wanted the purple ones, but they were like, look, we don't make purple in dude size feet. You have to get the teal ones. Look at that purple color!

Those two ones are the best. JPC, I'd like to see a 30 second commercial please. And this is an ad for a new store called Shoes for Assholes.

Hey! Who put this parking ticket on my fucking car? How much do you make? You running around putting parking tickets on other people's car? I could buy you some of you in a day, you old shit weasel. That used to be me. But here's what I do now. Who put this parking ticket on my car? Who put this fucking parking ticket on my car? My fucking shoes rock! So, stop my shoes for assholes. And you can get shoes that kick ass. Superfect shit.

That was amazing. There's no place I want to work less. That's all retail though. They might as well just say this is clothes for assholes.

Welcome to Dunkin Donuts for Assholes. Food for Assholes.

Please yell at me.

Food for Assholes. I would get fired so fast, I would love to work at Best Buy for a day and just be like, hey welcome to Best Buy for Assholes.

Welcome to Olive Garden, we have Breadsticks for Assholes. Are you part of our frequent asshole membership club?

Oh God. That makes me want to just like own a Best Buy franchise just so I can do that bit and then someone's like, I want to speak to the manager and be like, I own the place! Fuck you!

I am the blue polo. I am the boss blue polo.

I knew you were going to ask me that. Fuck you. It's my place.

It's fucking worth it. This cost me a million dollars.

This place is going out of business, but I have one rule for everybody who works here and that we can treat you like the shit that you are. You come in with an attitude, you get one back motherfucker.

I think the three of us should invest some money and buy a building and make it a worst buy. And what we do is we wear beige polos and somebody goes, how much is this DVD of Unforgiven? And we go, I don't know, fucking $650? And they're like, well, what's happening from just going on Amazon? And we go, Nothing. Nothing.

And then we go, these TVs don't work. Fuck you! I'm in. I'm in. But first we have to buy the Knicks. We promised about 50 episodes that we're going to buy the Knicks. How much money does everyone have on them? That can be the first bit of money we put towards buying the Knicks.

On me? So for the recording, I don't come with cash to the recording.

What? What if we want a gamble? You're unprepared.

You don't have any cash on you, but I can see in your room behind you there's one of those giant telephone booths with dollar bills and air vents blowing upwards.

Yeah, Dr. Who is staying here.

I guess I should have said. Does the TARDIS just have dollars flying around that you can grab for 60 seconds?

If the TARDIS ever shows up at a Ford dealership during whatever Ford's big blowout June sale is, then yes. I have a 1998 Ford TARDIS. It's got a lot of miles. Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it?

Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it?

Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? Can it? I've never seen an episode. Hootoberman's never seen an episode.

I think you got it though. You got the right tone, voice, all the things.

Does he introduce himself by saying, I'm Dr. Who?

Yeah. Cool. Cool. It goes like this. He goes, say knock knock.

Knock knock.

Dr. Who's here? Hello, I'm a doctor of space and time or something. How can I help you with your injury? I know what that is.

I assume Erin has seen an episode from the specifics that she was able to pull.

Yeah, that's not real. But I have seen a couple episodes. I watched the, what's the name of the woman who was in Broadchurch who's amazing. I love her. Olivia Coleman? No, no, the other woman, the one who plays the mom of the boy. Olivia Oldman? There you go. She was the new Doctor Who, and I've seen some David Tennant ones. Seems like it's a good show.

And I do have to admit, I haven't seen... I've only seen like two or three Doctor Who episodes with an ex, we watched it and then fell out of it. But I love David Tennant so much more than David Landlord. I think David Landlord is a creep and a fuckwad and a disgusting human being.

My problem with David Tennant is it's like every two years there's a new David Tennant, right? Like it just keeps turning over and turning. I never feel like I get to know the David Tennant before there's a brand new David Tennant there.

Alright, I'm setting a timer on the clock. Because you guys started this, you have to make jokes about this for one more minute, and the timer starts now. Go.

Keep going. Okay, okay. What else? Having not seen but three episodes I have. How can we do more on David Tennant?

Yeah, do more on David Tennant. Yeah, come on. Well, but I... It was... 44 seconds!

44 seconds left. So, what else? David Tenant. David Nineant. David Eightant. David Sevenant.

That's something. The Yankees won the David Penant.

David, yes. Oh, I loved when Tom Hardy and Leo DiCaprio were fighting in David the Remnant.

Oh, yeah, I didn't see it. I heard it was slowly paced, but I loved the new movie David Tennant. Oh, yes, it is. Is it time travel?

Whatever, I didn't see it. Yep, exactly. David Tennant, Dan. I was running. What else? What else?

Thou shall not steal the ten David Tennants.

Thou shall not tenant thy neighbor's wife. Okay, okay.

Timer just went off. Congratulations, we just lost all of our advertisers.

What, like, and it could be a show that doesn't exist anymore or is off the air, but what, like, U.S., like, American show would you have liked to see just go on forever but they switch out, they just switch out the main character? Perfect strangers. Okay! Okay!

Well, that's an interesting question, J.B. Say. I love that question.

Mine would be Friends and it's a new Chandler. Everybody makes the same.

Well, which everyone else stays the same.

It's just always a new, every two years a new channel. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Okay. Yeah, honestly Friends is a really great answer because they're so tropey and then to just have people circle, like cycle through that would be so fun.

I think I have a real answer. Okay. And they're kind of doing this anyway. In a way, I'd say the Sopranos with a new Tony Soprano. Oh, interesting. So it's like when he dies, his mafiosa juice gets poured into someone else and then they're like, you're the new Tony Soprano.

The way that I enjoyed Breaking Bad and the way that I enjoyed Better Call Saul, it kind of feels like they can just pick a new person from that universe and do a show that runs for five seasons on that person.

I would have given, and this is a hand to note, there is no God, I would have paid everything I own if they would have done a poly walnut spin-off of The Sopranos. Paulie Walnuts is maybe, I'd say he's top five characters from TV of all time. And they, I feel like they missed the boat not making a spin-off series about Paulie Walnuts.

And your top five is Paulie Walnuts, number one, and then one through, or four through five is, or I'm sorry, two through five is Big Pussy, correct?

Yeah, well two through four is Big Pussy and then number five is Santa's Little Helper.

I think I kind of have an answer. I think maybe Mad Men would have been cool. But you actually let time keep going. So it's like you have someone playing Don Draper, but time continues on and then a new person plays him for every 10 year long.

I feel like a hundred percent the next 10 years after Jon Hamm's era, it would have been Josh Brolin, right? Oh, Brolin.

Yeah.

Yeah. They should just keep doing it with actors who have the exact same age.

And then after Josh Brolin... After Josh Brolin, you go to Ron Perlman.

After Ron Perlman, you go to...

What I wouldn't pay to see Ron Perlman doing all the Pfeiffer Fuddings catalog.

Oh, I know what I want.

What do you want?

Dexter.

Oh!

I think that would have re-energized Dexter enough. I think every three seasons it's a new person who's Dexter and it doesn't matter for age or gender or anything and it's just a new Dexter every three years.

How do you animate a new little boy in a laboratory?

What?

Oh, I see. I get it. My brain is slow today. Yeah, that's not as fun to watch as you think it would be.

Yeah. Speaking of Michael C. Hall, I just, years and years and years ago, I started watching Six Feet Under and got like a season and a half in and then stopped for whatever reason. Gemma and I just started watching, rewatching it. We watched the first season. Holy shit, that's a good show. It holds up so well. Better than almost any show I've ever seen. It is, if you've never seen Six Feet Under, I cannot recommend it enough based on just the first season.

I think I watched maybe the first and second season, but I never finished, but I actually thought Michael C. Hall was very good in that show.

Yeah, that was great. I maybe have said this before, but I think Six Feet Under has the best series finale of all time. I think everyone agrees on that.

That's what everyone says, and Rob White, my friend of the show, world news guy.

Ros's Rob White.

My best bud. That's his favorite show, and he says he's like hands down the best finale of all time.

Well, I gotta say this guys, I have so enjoyed this little conversation that we've had at the top of the show.

Oh my god, I forgot this wasn't a Patreon episode. I swear to god I thought it was a Patreon episode. Oh my god.

Erin, Erin, I gotta say, it is not on you. That's 100% not on you.

Oh my god, I thought.

Did you think this was your Patreon episode?

No, I just thought that we were doing Like, for the last 15 minutes, I was like, surely this is a Patreon episode. I know I'm not Old Man Puzzles, but this does feel like my fault.

Can we huddle real quick? Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, sure.

Uh-huh. And Casey, pause the audio here. We are all recording independently. Do you want to just... that can't be right. Can we just do a Patreon episode for the main feed?

So, I was gonna say, what I was gonna say was, if you are worried that what we just did is indicative of what we do on the Patreon, don't be. It's not. It's just a total anomaly.

It was just... What the fuck happened? I literally forgot we were doing this. I was like, we're just chatting.

Again, Erin, only one person is in charge of starting the Riddle portion of the show. Oh no!

That's me! Okay, fine, I'll do one riddle, but then I want to go back to chatting, because I'm having a really nice time.

I do think it's important, and not for me, but I will say, I do love Riddles this year, I do think it's important to at least do one riddle before the break. I think that that's like, it's the minimum that we owe the people who like the show.

Okay, so let's do one, but we'll take our time with it.

Oh, and we've been getting this a lot lately, especially because the show, you know, we're in our third year for the show. Is that right? I'm in my thirties. 2018, 2019. Wait, are we in the fourth year for the show? We started in July 2018.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're in the fourth year for the show because we've done over 150 episodes, so that puts us in the fourth year.

So now there's going to be an incumbent podcast that can run against us?

Yes, another Riddle podcast can run against us in the big 2022 election. We've got to figure out our platforms. Midstream, midterms. But people have been saying, hey, you've been repeating some of the riddles that you've done on the show before. And the answer is, Yes, and that's what we'll do for the show now because why would we remember that we've done these riddles before?

Also keep in mind that we don't listen back to these so like we experience this and then it's gone from our brain for years and years. People get mad at me for telling the same story more than once and then I go listen. Think of a friend that you've had for three years. You've never heard that friend repeat a story that they tell. It's unrealistic. I don't remember what I have said ever.

No filter over here. Yeah, because I'm thinking about Erin and I know she's repeated the story because of the podcast. So now I'm living in an inception world where it's all crumbling down on me.

Oh no. Spin the top. I'm sorry. Spin your tank top. Spin your tank top. Thank you.

Shake, shake, shake. Hey Riddle Riddle, four years and we're still singing. Sorry. Sorry. Alright, let's do this. I like it. I'm sorry.

Here's what we should do is if somebody catches us telling a story we've told before, doing a riddle we've done before, if they're the first person to email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com, we will, the next time we do a riddle on the main feed, we'll name a character after you. So you have to email us and let us know that you're comfortable using your full name. It has to be full name, but you have to be comfortable with it. And then we'll use that as a character name in one of our riddles. And then we'll retell an old riddle with a new name.

Exactly. If I repeat a story before you tweet at me, or you email me, or you Instagram message me, think, have I repeated a story that I tell in the last three years? If you've only been telling new stories for three years, then you can come at me.

But if not... We all lost about a year and a half of being able to tell any stories, because unless you want to hear stories about something that I ate for the thousandth time or a TV show that I rewatched... I broke a plate today! Did you really?

No. I'm just trying to think of something interesting.

Okay, here's our riddle. And for this episode, I'm going to use World News Tonight cast member's names. Okay. Oh, perfect. Rob White's eyes were not damaged in the accident, nor were any other parts of his anatomy. The doctor insisted that Rob White get patched up before leaving the hospital. What's going on?

It says specifically the eyes were not damaged and every other part of the body.

Rob White's eyes were not damaged in the accident, nor were any other parts of his anatomy. The doctor insisted that Rob White get patched up before leaving the hospital.

I have two guesses.

Well, Erin, I need to hear one of them.

Well, I want to do both. The first guess is that they patch up his glasses in order for him to be able to drive home. He like broke his glasses in some kind of accident. So they patched up his glasses or they patched up his clothing because he came in ripped up and kind of naked.

I'm the one that called Dr. Clothing. I'm going to stitch up your pants. I want to see a scene. Dr. My Pants ripped horizontally.

Adal, you're going to be playing a doctor. You're the on-call doctor for the ER. Erin, you've come into the ER. You are a mummy from ancient times. And you're trying to get free clothes out of the hospital, or more free bandages because your bandages are starting to rot. But that's why you're there.

Okay, Mrs. Common, do you just want to hop up on the... Oh, I guess you can't hop. Do you want to just lay down here?

I'm very stiff. Yeah, can you sort of just pick me up like I'm a mannequin and then lay me down?

Oh, pick you up like you're in the movie mannequin?

Never seen it.

Oh, wow. Well, I'll just pick you up. I'll put you there, okay? And how can I help you today? You said you're feeling a little stiff. I am seeing some signs of rigor mortis.

Yeah, I mean I I would say like this is sort of a DIY situation.

Oh, no, you were drinking in... What?

What was that? No, go ahead. Sorry.

DIY. You were drinking, yelling, in the cell?

No, DIY.

Oh, DIY. Drinking in the abraded yelling.

Yes, that's not what I was doing. I'm just saying like this is a DIY situation. Like I can it's a do-it-yourself situation. You just need to give me the supplies. I think I can sort of patch myself up. I'm sure you get that a lot. People come in the hospital and they go like I'll do it myself. I can give myself stitches. I just need the shit. You want to just give me those bandages.

One of our doctors got fired for doing that too often and his name was Patch Adams. So we're trying to afford. I can give you a minute supply. You need gauze bandages? What do you need?

Thank God, bandages, I just have very normal cuts. I'm definitely not a mummy. It is Halloween, thank God.

Oh, so this is a costume? Yeah! Can I see your face underneath this?

Doctor says what?

Can I see your face underneath this? Whoa! What?

That's funny.

You're funny. Oh, thank you so much. I try. Here's a dum-dum for you. Scene!

I like the way Doctor says what there, like you're just trying to trick the doctor to admitting they're a doctor?

I don't know.

What?

There's a panic move.

I worked my ass off for eight years to say what? So what do we think is going on with Erin? Those are great guesses, but they are unfortunately not the correct answer in this instance.

And Adal, when I was just throwing in that whole mummy thing, that's also probably not the right direction as well. Yeah, the guy wasn't a mummy. Is it a human being? Is everybody a human in this? Is Rob White's a human, Dr. Human? I have to assume. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. It's not like one of them's a horse and he has to get like a new like horseshoes or something like added, like externally added, not like part of the person. Is Rabbi Robocop, does he need like more Robocop parts? All his organs are technically working, keeping him alive so he can go out and, you know, really cuff gang members of the streets of Detroit, I believe is the movie?

I don't know. Can you give me a hint?

Let me read it one more time and then I'll give a slight hint. Rob White's eyes were not damaged in the accident nor were any other parts of his anatomy. The doctor insisted that Rob White get patched up before leaving the hospital. Now I think patch is the key word here and you need to think about what kind of patching or patch would you receive if it's not to help like an internal injury.

Okay, is this like a, is Rob White a Boy Scout and he's getting his talk to a doctor patch? I would like to see a scene.

JPC, you're a Boy Scout and Adal, you are a doctor again. And JPC, you're really trying to earn that patch.

Hi, I can't believe that woman was a dead body wrapped in bandage. Oh, hello little boy. Sorry, I'm- Hello, sir. My name- All my hair just turned white. I just had the worst experience of my life. What can I do for you? Hello, sir.

Your hair looks very good. You look like an adult, sir. Thank you. My name is Kevin Henderson, and I'm here from Scout Troop 106.

Well, you can put down those index cards and just talk to me. Okay. You wrote out like a whole speech or something?

I can't put the cards down, sir! I need them for my project!

On the back of this index card you have up, it says, um, joke to break the ice.

Do you care if I go back and tell my joke, sir? Uh, yeah, that's fine. Go ahead. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Boobs.

Boobs who?

So doctors can say boobs. Pretty good. I never heard that one. Here's a dumb dumb. Here's a dumb dumb. Thank you so much, sir. I'm here to try to get my hospital badge for Boy Scout Troop 116, sir.

Oh, uh, Boy Scout, wait, Boy Scout Troop 116? That's my former troop. That's fantastic. I know, sir. You're a legacy. That's why I was recommended to go to this hospital, sir. Oh, wow. Well, let's uh, why don't you come into the operating room here? No, no, no. Don't need to wash your hands. Here's a scalpel. And why don't you cut? Let's see. What is this? Let me look at this chart. Okay, so this guy is getting a neck replacement. So why don't you make an incision right here?

I can't operate on this person, sir. Because this person is my parent. Oh... Wait, but this person is a woman. Sir, this is actually not a Boy Scout Troop Sting. This is a Sting to see if you can get your... Yeah, it's a Sting to see if you can get your check, your freaking privilege badge. Thank you Sting. Sting, come on in here.

Sting's also here.

Why is Sting dressed like Robert Redford in the Sting?

This is one of Sting's big things. It's helping out communities by helping doctors check their privilege.

What is the answer to the riddle?

You got reported, sir. You got reported because you told a little boy that a bone that was sticking out of his leg was something that just always was there.

Horizontally rips pants, jumps out window.

He was a superhero the whole time!

Splat! Nope! Scene! Splat! Nope! Scene!

What is the answer to this riddle?

What did you have a hint for us, Daddy? I had a hint, I did. What a good little boy to remember. The hint is patch is a very, very important word. And then think about what type of patches there are in terms of helping people that's not necessarily intrusive or nicotine patch. Oh, nicotine patch. Dingo dongo hot tea. Rob White was a heavy smoker, which used to be true about Rob White. The doctor insisted that Rob White try a nicotine patch to help reduce the desire on Rob White's part to smoke heavily.

That is a good riddle.

Pretty good. My advice if you want to reduce the nicotine that you're consuming and if you're a smoker and you don't want to smoke anymore, have your first cigarette experience be lighting it wrong, lighting it backwards when you're like 13 and having people make fun of you and then you probably won't want to touch a cigarette for a significant amount of time after that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. When we were younger, my dad used to own a bunch of convenience stores in Ohio, in Columbus, Ohio. So my sister and I would bounce around and go to whatever one my dad was working at or hanging out at, and we would steal a pack of Swisher Suites, and we'd go on the roofer in the back. Wow. And just put them in our mouth. We wouldn't light them, but we'd just like roll them around in our mouth and be like, we're adults. Very Will Smith of you. For the look, don't light it. Wow. We thought it was pretty cool. Speaking of pretty cool, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

Pretty cool.

Splat. Nope. Scene.

Hey Erin. JPC and I wanted to talk to you. You know that episode we did where we made fun of your sweater?

Yeah, I remember that pretty clearly. Sort of burned in my memory.

What's up? Oh good, so you barely remember it. That's good that you barely remember it. JPC and I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

Oh, I, sorry, that reminds me, I feel like that's a podcast that just came out recently.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. What are you talking about?

Oh, I thought you were apologizing to me. Oh, god no.

Erin, we're telling you to listen to the podcast that our friends at Lemonada are doing called I'm Sorry. It's all about apologies and how they play out in the court of public opinion.

It's hosted by comedians Oha Lopez, Mohanad El-Sheke, and Kiki Monique.

The show unpacks the latest and greatest in Twitter gaffes, petty beef, and not so subtle shade, and debates when to let stuff go and when to say, I'm sorry. To be clear, Erin, we are not saying I'm sorry for the way that you were treated in this winter episode. We're just saying that this show, that would be a perfect example of something for the show.

And I'm not sorry for being late. I am grateful that you waited though.

Fair enough, fair enough. So check out the podcast I'm Sorry by Lemonada. The show premieres August 27th. Listen wherever you get podcasts. And Erin, what's this sweater you got on today?

It's a yellow t-shirt.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Truly, I'm sorry.

I knew it.

Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin. I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Of course you do. I can't do this anymore.

What is it this time? You have to do it. You're contractually obligated to do it. You sit here and let me pick your bones. Oh yeah, JPC, what's up? So, you know how I was like, oh, you know, I'm moving and I need a new couch because I want something that's more comfortable? And you guys told me to get one of these all-function couches? Ha!

JPC, you're confused and scared. We told you to go to all form. My favorite place to stop on by on the internet to get yourself a couch.

Oh, all form. Okay, so that's from the people that brought us Helix Mattress, which we love. Duh. Okay, so all function is just a big slab of stone with cup holders.

Oh, no, no. See, that sounds very uncomfortable. What you want to do is get an all-form sofa, because for starters, it's the easiest way you can customize the sofa using premium materials, better than stone, to put it in something JPC would understand. We'll see. At a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. You can pick your fabric, the color of the sofa, the color of the legs, the size. Mine has a chaise lounge, and you can pick this shape to make sure it's perfect for you and Spaghetti and Mariah in your new home.

Congratulations on that home.

JPC, you can get armchairs and loveseats and up to an eight-seat sectional. So there's something for everyone. I have one and we both have dogs, JPC. There's dog hair everywhere in my house and these couches are so easy to clean. Lou has thrown up on my couch twice now, not a stain in sight. They are kid-proof and they are dog-proof and they are Erin-proof.

Also, I just heard that it takes just three to seven days to arrive in the mail and you can assemble it yourself in a few minutes, no tools needed. My all function, I had to wait until someone delivered it to me from on high.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. And, you know, what's great is, you know, when Gemma and I are in a fight, she sleeps in a comfy helix mattress. I sleep on a comfy all-form couch and it all works out great.

We'll unpack that later. Also, you don't need to worry because you get a hundred days to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund. And did I mention they even give you a forever warranty? Literally forever.

Okay, I'm a convert. To find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com slash riddle and Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com slash riddle. R-I-D daily. You're not a convert, you're a pervert. I'm both!

Erin, JPC, it's so thrilling to see the two of you. Please sit down in my abode, make yourself comfortable. Okay, yeah, sit down. This is a great abode. Oh, am I fancy? Did you notice my accent? I've started to talk like I'm British, a la Madonna. This is British? Well, yes, this is me. Okay. You see, what happened was I was having some troubled times and I got myself some better help.

Ooh, I've heard of BetterHelp.

Yeah, as in the company that we're doing a paid sponsorship for right now?

Oh, are we? I didn't even know. No, we are, yeah. Because sometimes I ask myself, what interferes with your happiness, Adal? Is something preventing you from achieving your goals? With better help, I can connect in a safe, in private, that's private for English speakers, online environment, so it's convenient. It's not a crisis line, or crisis, however we pronounce it, over here in the UK. It's not self-help. Sounds like you don't know how to pronounce it. It is professional counseling done securely online. You can send a message to your counselor at any time. And the counselors have names like Percy and Willifred. Names like that.

I'm just happy to see our guy Adal happy.

Yeah, I mean, if this is what counseling does to you, you might need more of it, but I'm glad that you're taking steps to address some things.

Thank you so much. And please know, I know there is a concern, but anything you share is confidential. Licensed professional counselors are specialized. Counselors like Percy and Willafred, they specialize in things like depression, stress, anxiety, relation shops, sleeping, trauma, I didn't understand most of those words, but I trust you, pal.

And you know what I gotta say about BetterHelp? It is my favorite therapy that I've ever tried. If you're not someone who loves to go to an office and wait in the car and drive and have a whole to-do about it, BetterHelp is a great alternative to that kind of therapy. It's very stress-free.

Well, to celebrate, why don't we all go inside my new vehicle, it's a horse, and I'll drive us to a fancy restaurant. But first, I want you to start living a happier life today, before we get inside my horse. As a listener, all of you, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle. Join over one million people with British accents who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle.

And I think that we just need to address the elephant in the room. Using this service will not make you fake British. That's a choice that Adal has made, and we're encouraging it.

Listening to our show will make you fake British. Absolutely.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you. I was undoing this roll of aluminum foil.

Splat! Nope! Back! What do we think? Huh? That's the new way to come back to the show?

10 out of 10, I'm all in. Wow.

It's almost like Chicago. It's like, splat, nope, edit, lip shit, Cicero.

They had it coming.

They had it coming.

Those riddles. And then he splat into my knife. He splat into my knife 10 times.

I didn't know you were talking about the musical if you were like, it's sort of like Chicago and I'm like, What did this mean?

It was funny, when I studied abroad, any time anyone in England would hear me talk, they'd be like, oh, American, where are you from? And I'm like, Chicago. And every single one of them, this is like 40 some people, would be like, Chicago, oh, bang bang, Al Capone, or whatever. They'd mime guns, or they'd say bang bang, or whatever. And I'd always be like, no, no, no, no. And then, having lived here a while, I'm like, actually, yeah.

Well, I mean, the Green Mill, famously like a cool bar in Chicago, has like a booth that Al Capone uses to stay at because it faces the entrance and the exit. Yeah. So he could like get out easily. And I always thought that was a cool Chicago lore. So I appreciate the Al Capone angle of Chicago.

Do you ever walk behind the... Never.

I'm always in front.

The biograph where John Dillinger was shot down? No. There's a biograph where John Dillinger was killed behind it, I believe. John Dillinger famously had, I think, a 14-inch penis or something. Cool. No. It's in a jar somewhere with Rasputins. And then there's also the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, which is now, the location of that is now just like a parking garage. So I did like a gangsters of Chicago tour, like maybe before I even moved up here, and they showed us all these spots. And it was funny to be like, look at this parking garage. Now imagine 80 years ago this this this and I'm like well it's hard to do that when it's a fucking parking lot or whatever it is.

Well there's also one bar on Broadway where two different serial killers picked up victims and I remember walking by that bar and being like well this place has a terrible vibe.

Just an awful lot. At the L&L Tavern.

Yeah, the one that is like Broadway or Belmont and Clark.

Belmont and Clark, yep. It's a super busy area but if you walk past that bar you get like an energy changes and you're like ooh this is like a place out of time.

A guy took me to that bar on a date. Oh no. I'll tell you what improviser it was after we record.

I used to drink there and somebody told me it was where that Dahmer had hung out there and I was like oh that's weird and then one time I was sitting there's a there's a little row of stools that face the window and the window faces west to where there used to be a Dunkin Donuts right there at Clark Delmont on the other side of the street. Hey Riddle. Oh yeah, it's pretty close to the playground.

It's got a bad vibe. And, guys, it's cash only.

Yeah, it's also kind of dingy inside. It's a bit of a dive bar.

Yeah, it's pretty divey. I did not enjoy the time that I went in there.

I asked for a clear tequila there once, and the guy said, okay, princess. The bartender did.

Well, you were wearing a tiara though, right?

Yeah, I was dressed like a pretty little princess.

Isn't she always?

Alright, I'm sorry, we can do riddles.

Let's do another riddle. The furniture store called Marla Caceres to tell her where to pick up the couch Marla Caceres had ordered. Marla Caceres got the message accurately but did not pick up the couch, even though she was available for several days during the time the couch was available to be picked up.

What's going on? Furniture Store calls Marla Catheris and says, come pick up your couch from the furniture store or just tells her where to go pick up the couch?

Yeah.

From the store. So they call and they say, your couch is ready. Here's where to pick it up. Marla got the message accurately. There's no misunderstanding. She totally understood what they were saying, but did not pick up the couch even though she was completely available for several days during the time the couch was available to be picked up.

is a red herring. Because you're using a person from World News as the featured player in this riddle, Marlika Saris. When in fact, the actual person that is in this riddle is a person that's in the room right now, Erin Keif. Because what happened was Erin Keif ordered a couch, moved to Los Angeles, and forgot to change her address. So they shipped the couch to the furniture store in Chicago. She got the information that her couch was in Chicago and she said, There's no fucking way I could go get that couch. That couch is sitting in that store. Maybe I'll get a refund for it, I guess, but I'm not getting that couch. Adal Rifai.

You know nothing, sir. You know nothing about me. Your assumptions about me are wrong. I'm very organized and I don't send nothing. No, nothing. That's not even one thing in the wrong address. Not one time. No, you'll never catch me. You'll never catch me alive.

Erin, the Hey Riddle Riddle email just got another Google alert that a flight you're interested has changed price and that your dinner reservation has been canceled.

Shut up, JVC! Shut up, JVC! I'm sorry that sometimes I track flight, but I signed it today, Riddle Riddle.

We got like 18 emails that were like, the flight you've been searching to Paris has been updated or whatever.

You don't know me!

I kept being like, why are we getting this weird spam? And then Erin was like, I'm going to Paris and I'm like, oh.

Excuse me! You are lucky that you have this much of an insight into my life.

Some people would kill to know the flights I'm tracking fellas. Fuck you and fuck you and Erin lost it again. It only took 30 episodes this time, fucking guys making fun of me.

I have two packages at my house that are addressed to Erin that I now have to send to LA.

There was one time I legitimately thought that maybe like one of our business cards had been stolen because we had an email that was like, your dinner reservation is at this time. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Did someone like, did our card get stolen and someone's trying to like buy dinner on our card? And everyone's like, no, I just, I forgot to change the name. Gmail when I made the reservation.

Well, well, well. Everyone knows now that I can't keep track of shit. I didn't buy, I used my card.

I know, I know. It was simply a visitor's attic.

No, I need to yell one more minute. Okay, okay. Hold on to your scene, sir. Okay. Everyone has their thing. I'm trying not to yell too much into the mic. I'm trying to calm down. I sometimes send books to my friends' houses when I mean to send them to me. Sure, anytime I make a choice on the internet, an alert gets sent to my coworkers. Sure, fine, that's normal.

That's just a part of growing up.

That's just a part of being such a pretty little princess. I will say everyone has their thing and I appreciate your patience with my thing. I really do. But I'm not going after you guys. One episode soon. I'm going to tease the shit out of either of you.

No. What we're going to do is, Erin, the next time we do a live show, we're going to bring a tiara for you. We're going to place it upon your crown, your head. Then we're going to deem you Princess Organization.

And then JPC can unfurl a scroll and then list all the things that I did wrong on the internet.

Eric, I will not blow up anyone's spot, but there was a time where as a cost sharing method, I was, this is years ago, I was sharing an Amazon Prime account with a friend of mine. It was their account. They were, I was paying them, you know, a fee and using their account because it didn't matter how many people were on that account. And one time I was going through the order history.

Wait, Casey can beep this name, but is it?

It's not, no, no, no, it's not.

Oh.

But the order, I would say his name if it was him. And beat that name both times, Casey. But we were going through the order history, and because I was returning something, and then I saw just like three different porn DVDs that had been purchased. And I was like, I texted the person that I was there with, because I'm sure they did not know what we see. Yeah. And I was like, hey, you know, porn's free. Kids on. It's everywhere on the internet. This is like six years ago. Yeah, porn just exists. I guess if you really want to support someone or you're trying to like, but no.

DVDs.

I see you ordered a mini disc of porn.

A VHS copy. Oh man.

It's an HD DVD port.

Are there trailers on porn DVDs?

I have to assume. There's a menu screen. It's the worst cycling menu screen that you could have imagined, but there is, yes.

So what is the point of a menu screen? Is it like to search out chapters?

Adal, that's a really great question. Now they don't have them anymore, so I could, we all know that they, they had no point. But I think, yeah, I think, I think the menu screen is just to like have something on while the thing is on. So it's not just like a blank screen. It used to be that TVs were made so that images, if they were just stationary, would burn into your, like if you had a plasma television. So maybe they put them on to circulate so it wouldn't like burn images in these TVs.

Because that would be an awful image to have on your TV with company over.

I'm so sorry Adal, I truly want to hear this. No wait, you said you had a scene that we should have seen.

It was 10 years ago.

I want to see a scene. So JPC, you are staying at the Waldorf Astoria. Is it Waldorf Astoria? I'm so in my head now because every single time I misspeak, somebody would be like, I listened to an hour-long episode and here's the one thing you said wrong and that's the only thing I have to offer towards you.

And just so you know, if you want to ruin Adal's day, you can tell them if it's the Waldorf Astoria or something else.

But let's assume... I think it's Waldorf Astoria. There might not be an R in that.

You guys, I'm looking at my audio bar and I was like, why is there just a wall of... Oh, I yelled. You yelled.

That's what mine looks like every episode, Erin. So, JPC, you're staying at the fanciest hotel in New York City. Erin, you are the matre d' at this, um, matre d' not, concierge. You're the concierge. You're the concierge at this hotel, um, at this very fancy hotel, and you are the most unorganized person ever.

Hey, um, I'm Zach.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry. Were you trying to fake a phone call?

Hello!

It's fine. I don't need much. I'm Zach. I'm in 112. I just wanted to see if my fianc and I, if I could get a bottle of champagne to up the room.

Are you checking in?

No, I'm in 112.

How who let you in? Oh, I checked you in. Did I check you in?

Yeah, like 10 minutes ago. She's in the restroom. I just wanted to see if we could get a bottle of champagne set up. Or you got to walk out. We'll be, you know, walking for about an hour.

So if there was, like, the champagne could be in the room when we got back, that would be... Okay, eggs and bacon to room 308 in the next six hours. Got it! Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Was that a different person's order that you were saying? You were making direct eye contact with me when you said that, right?

Yes. That's not your order. That's not my order, correct. Who just told me that? Or am I hungry? Huh.

Well...

Do you know my computer password? I can't get in.

I'm going to say from having an interaction with you for about 15 seconds, I'm going to say your password is password.

Password. I'm sorry to interrupt here. Ma'am, concierge, earlier I asked for a new room key because mine wasn't working. I just tried the one you gave me and it's a blockbuster card.

Oh, okay. We don't have movies here, sir.

Okay.

So I can't accept that card.

Thank you. I am so sorry to do this. I actually hate that I'm about to do this, but is there anyone else maybe who's working today or... Oh my god, I have a cat.

Oh my god, I was like, wait, why do I have to go home? Oh my god, I have a cat. Sure. Oh shit, I have a cat. He's probably... Okay, no, it's fine. Wait, let me get your papers.

My papers?

Yeah, your papers. Give me a sec.

Sorry, I didn't ask for any papers. Is she talking to you? Do you need papers?

Here. And then here, you have kids, right?

Yeah.

Here's a little coloring page for your kids. The pool is... She just handed me $600. The pool is here somewhere. Okay. Let me get your room key. $308?

It doesn't matter. This has been an excellent experience for me.

This is a punch card for a sandwich or a room key. Try this.

Perfect! I'm going to come back here all the time. This is great service. Scene.

I love the image of like a home alone Catherine O'Hara grasping her face being like, oh no, I have a cat.

Oh, I have a cat. Hey cat.

If I'm that person in real life, I'm for sure on a prank show and I'm looking for the hit cameras. I'm like, the cameras are somewhere. I'm not going to say it because it'll ruin the shot and then I won't make it into the final cut. But I am starting to look for the cameras.

Nobody's this incompetent. So let's, what do we think about this couch delivered to Marla? Oh, this one. I forgot we're still doing this fucking one.

Can you reread it and then give me a hint?

The furniture store called Marla Caceres to tell her when to pick up the couch that she had ordered. Marla Caceres got the message accurately, but did not pick up the couch, even though she was available for several days during the time the couch was available to be picked up.

Oh, I know it. She ordered it for the furniture store. Like she's a designer.

Honestly, that's a better answer than the right answer.

Adal, let me ask you a question about this couch. Yes. Did Marla order the couch? She herself ordered the couch. Marla Casares did order the couch. Okay I was thinking that there was maybe like it was like one of those things where like it's someone's ordered a couch for like their like secretary or their girlfriend or something and or their boyfriend and then they called up the wife of the part like the cheat it's like cheating cheating oh yeah it's like the love actually where she opens the box and it's the ring that she was And it wasn't my thing about moving her across country, but you said Erin was closest with, she was a designer ordering a couch.

I said Erin's answer was better than the actual answer because this, this one, I gotta say, Mike had taken a riddle court.

Oh, I'm so excited to go back to riddle court.

I think we've given like three plausible answers for what this riddle could be. In my mind, kind of work.

I'm ready for the answer. I don't want to say this is Occam's Razor because it's maybe not the simplest answer, but it's way less complex than you would think. All right.

Can you give us one more hint that will just hopefully lead us, usher us right to the front door of this answer?

Really make a meal of it. Marla Caceres did order this couch, or should I say, a Marla Caceres absolutely ordered this couch.

Wrong woman! Wrong woman!

Hold on, pick up line? The punctuation there is so important. Wrong woman! It is not wrong kind of woman.

Wrong one. You got the wrong guy.

You're an alligator, right?

Wrong one. Yes, so you did suss it out. There were two Marla Caceres in the phone book. When the furnaces were called, they left the message on the answering machine of the wrong Marla Caceres, the one who had not ordered anything. Yeah, Riddle Court. Riddle Court.

Riddle Court. All rise for Judge J.B.C. of Riddle Court.

All rise, all rise, all rise. I am your bailiff, Matthew McConaughey. Please put your hand on this stack of Post-its from Memento.

So do be clear, we have me, the judge, the person that said all rise, which is a bailiff, and then we have another bailiff.

Double bailiff, baby. Two bailiffs.

Double bailiff. Bailiff Johnson, Bailiff Johansson. This is gonna be a quick day in Riddle Court, I can tell you that much right now.

I'm the prosecution, and may I just say that I think that this should go by quick, because this riddle sucked more than the vacuum cleaner that I bought recently.

And I'm the double prosecution and can I just say I need to mop my brow with this handkerchief. Let me pull out my suspenders and let me drink from this tall glass sweaty sweaty glass of lemonade.

There's a reason why there's two of us.

And your honor, I'm Mickey and I'm Ricky and we're the Defense Twins and our client is Gil.

Well, they just admitted it right there in the paper, right there. They wrote, they said it. They admitted it out loud in front of the whole court. It ain't the way you taped it all down! Thank you, thank you. You know, I'm a sister who also tapes it all down. There's doubles of everyone in court.

Not, not the judge yet until I unwrap my head. And it's kind of like a Professor Quirrell thing, because it's me on the back here as well. And I am ready to issue, I am ready to issue my verdict.

and I'm drawing pictures of everyone involved when they say something I take out my crayons and I scrawl a little face and then I say here's what happened if you weren't able to be here live here's a here's a terrible little picture Mr. Cartoonist it appears that there's only one of you would that assumption be correct Wait a minute. Everyone else has two. Everyone's got two. How come I'm the only one with just one?

We, the two people in the jury, find this riddle innocent.

He turns innocent. Enya, enya, enya, enya. Well, fuck.

Scene. No, no. Your honor, what's the proper way? Splat? Stop. No. Scene. Thank you.

Not guilty. So, last night, we met our neighbors. They are a couple that lives next to us, like, in our building, and we were so nervous. It felt like our first date. I was so, so nervous to meet them. And both of them were lovely. Some of the loveliest women I've ever met. But I did have to, again, we talked about this before, describe our podcast to them.

Oh.

And I said, it's like me and two other comedians and we solve riddles, but it's mostly just us trying to destroy each other. And I feel like that scene is the perfect example of us going like, you better hold on tight because I'm changing the rules every five seconds.

I know we went to Riddle Court specifically to talk about that rental, and of course we did not. But I gotta say, it sucks that they're using the phone book to track down a purchaser. It's like, did you not get their phone number when they bought the fucking couch?

Email confirmation? Like, what are we doing here?

Couch is a pretty big purchase. Pretty big, pretty big. Um, I would, yeah, Erin and I would agree that this podcast has very big spy versus spy energy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

No, I think it has seen as a little bit of a thing I'm saying.

Goofus versus Gallant, Adal. Adal, is it possible? Yes. Could we get one more Riddle? Is that something that I can even ask for? I don't know. I don't know the protocols here. I don't know. How do we do this?

We can. We can. We're going to do one more. Because I love them. Yes, we're going to do one more here. Okay. The Conley boys, Pat and Shad, had gone to school and been suspended. When Becca Conley was also suspended after school on February 3, 2016, Principal Kevin and the Conley parents were joyous. What's going on? So the two Conley boys had done something and gotten suspended at school. When their sister Becca also got suspended, the parents and the principal were overjoyed. They were joyous and thrilled.

When Becca got suspended, it's one of these fucking protest things. Her brothers got suspended for some bullshit technicality because of sexism, and then she gets suspended as well, proving that the whole system is sexist, and then the principal and the parents finally have the tailwinds of societal change at their back so that they can adjust a fucked up rule that's existed so long in this fucked up patriarchal society.

JBC, grab a pen because that's your next Netflix movie. Holy shit.

Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time JBC said that tailwinds of societal change, I'd be a millionaire. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Um, okay, here's the thing, and I'm gonna be honest.

Oh?

I'm a little confused because February is right smack dab in the middle of the school year. And why say the date if that, if the date doesn't matter? So it has something to do with February.

I truly... Adal, does the date matter? Does the date matter in this riddle?

In the slightest sense, in terms of vague seasonality. But don't think seasonality like winter. It'd be more like the seasonality of the school year perhaps.

So like Valentine's Day? Valentine's Day? No.

I mean yes, but not for this. Black History Month? Black History Month? Shaviling? No. So it's more to do with maybe sports.

Oh, she got suspended. What's a sport you get suspended in? Oh!

Like a game, like a basketball game, or like... Erin, you nailed it, but there's a little more specificity going on, and it's, this is, maybe... She's gonna get hurt or something if she didn't get suspended in the game? Uh, no.

It was a different person named Becca than they were on the other team or something like that?

No, this was Becca Conley, so she was a part of the Conley family.

But was Becca Conley on the opposing team and she gets suspended and so the principal's happy because the other team got suspended? No, because the parents are also happy, unless they have favorites. Yeah, I mean, sure, like, I don't know these fucking people.

I don't know what they're fucking like. This might be back-to-back Riddle court. I don't think you're going to get these two. These two? I'm sorry, I don't think you're going to get this one.

Oh, okay.

So maybe I'll just say the answer. I'll give you one more hint. Give me a hint, yeah. A ruse. A ruse. Slam. A ruse. A ruse.

Yeah, it's technically a better hint if you just keep saying it. That makes us get it.

So basketball has slam, and there's also, there was a snack called blank a ruse.

Oh! Dunk!

Yeah, so... She dunked.

And then got suspended. Is it Riddle Riddle's dancing?

Is it Riddle Riddle's dancing?

Pretty bad Riddle.

Wait, do you get suspended from a basketball game if you do a slam dunk?

If you hang on the rim. Unless there's somebody underneath you where you might hurt yourself if you let go. If you like egregiously hang on the rim, that's considered like showboating.

Is it because you might break the rim or like bust a glass or something or just because?

I think it's it's like yeah maybe damage to the rim but it's also considered like a bit of delay of game and a bit of just it's just like poor sportsmanship but it is and I'm speaking totally out of my ass but as a casual WNBA fan I want to say that in like the history of the WNBA there's only been like a dozen dunks or something so for a high schooler to do that is wild that's fantastic.

Yeah I would cheer.

I would love, I mean, if I went to a basketball game and I paid, what if basketball games cost $13? $600? I don't know. If I bought a ticket to a basketball game and it was just non-stop wall-to-wall dunking, I'd be like, I got what I paid for. And if somebody dunked and somebody blew a whistle and we're like, now everybody has to be sad, I'd be like, what are we doing here? This is a fucking game. They should all be jacking up with as much drugs as possible, make them seven foot eight, put fucking surgery steel into their legs to shoot them up, and just let them slam balls all day. That's what I want to see. Fucking people.

Amen.

I want to see a very quick scene. This is going to be our last scene of the show. And what the scene is is, Erin, this is a high school basketball game. You are a high school student. You've just dunked the ball, and you're hanging on the rim, and you've realized you can't get down. And JPC, you are the coach of the team trying to help out in this situation.

Gotcha. It's okay.

It's okay, Eleanor. It's okay, Eleanor. Everybody's gone home. Stadium's empty. Nobody's looking anymore. Nobody's looking anymore. You can just come down.

I'm hearing it on purpose. Yeah, I'm not stuck. I'm not scared.

We know. Okay. We lost the game. Everyone's gone home. The other team's already safely back at their hotel. It's fine, Eleanor. I'm here to help.

I think it was amazing how the other team continued to absolutely dominate and score with one of your players hanging off the rim. I thought that was incredible in the second half.

That was not my favorite part. My nose is bleeding. It started kind of using my face as a backboard, but like front.

Yeah, backboard. Thanks so much. What do you want to autograph? No, no, no. I just want to say to see a ball, hit that girl's face, and then fly upwards and backwards. No, you don't understand.

Okay, I'll let that happen because of improv. I was facing it and then it would hit the backboard, hit my face, and then go in. You switched around a lot. You were really changing your arm placement. I could tell maybe you were getting tired. Anyway, sir, thank you so much. Eleanor, all you gotta do is let go of the ring. You will not crush me. Hey, if four divorces didn't crush me, this won't, okay?

I'm hurt.

I'm hurt too. I just mentioned I got four divorces.

But it was from the same woman, so it sort of just counts as one.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on, uh, she. Fool me thrice, shame on, she. Three. I got divorced again. That's all.

You're a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy.

I'm gonna sleep up here. Sure.

Scene. I heard that before. The kids come to school the next Monday and there's just a girl on the rim with a pillow still hanging on.

And not even like coolly, just sort of like this.

Yeah, or in a sleeping bag. Erin, speaking of being just a girl on the rim, what do you got going on? Anything that you would like to plug?

Follow me, Erin Keif 10, on Instagram, and thank you for listening to the show. I really appreciate it. You should subscribe to our Patreon. It's a great time to subscribe to it too, because we have so many tier goals that Are going to have awesome episodes in them. And then also I just think that Patreon episodes recently have been the best time ever. Like I've been dying laughing and then thinking about them for days. So I think now is a really good time to hop on there for a month and then you can leave. Whatever you want.

I want to say if you subscribe to our Patreon, I want to say there's like 175 episodes of content waiting for you. 175 hours. Is that right?

I mean, no, but I love that you want to say it. Okay it's somewhere in there. It's over 100 hours. Yeah I mean it's probably I would say like 130 episodes plus there's some like review crew in there but like maybe you can get to like 150 with review crew.

And the live streams and the bonus the D&D stuff.

I guess if you're counting some of this stuff as Amazon, there's a lot of content in there. Years and years and years of content in there. Adal, anything to plug?

I want to plug a little TV show called Six Feet Under. Please check that out. Where are we streaming that? HBO Max? It's on HBO Max. Okay. And then check out Hello from the Magic Tavern. We just ended our third season. We're taking a little break and we're going to come back with all kinds of fun new surprises and stuff and shows and episodes.

Yeah, it's time to catch up on that as well.

Hell yeah. JPC, anything to play you?

Just twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. That's where you can find me playing some video games at random times. And if you're listening to the episode today, I'm not going to be on Twitch. So don't even bother coming to Twitch today because I'm not there. Erin!

Oh, please. One more thing I want to plug or actually unplug It's Casey Tony's Twitter. Here we go.

This episode's already so long. I'm glad we're having one more thing.

Okay, okay. I'll wait till later. Casey, you're safe this time, buddy. No responses from your ass, huh? Okay. Erin, speaking of something Casey Tony tweeted recently, did you see that one dumbass one-word tweet?

Yeah, it said, Jupiter.

Bye forever.

Do it! Do it!

Waka Waka kids! Yay! Splat!

Nope!

Scene! Scene!

Hey there Frasiers and Niles. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Clue Crew. We go back to our state series, this time with Washington. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a Headgum Podcast.