Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Hey everyone, before we get into our big third year anniversary, spectacular, the three of us wanted to tell you about something very cool happening with the show. We are adding three new stretch goals to our Patreon with some episodes that you are going to absolutely freaking love.

Adal, would you like to tell them about your episode? Oh yeah, each stretch goal unlocks a new series. The first one is a series I created that's called Ah, Saddle Saddle. It's a western theme show. It's a bit of a romp. There's horses. There's beans. There's a mystical well. It's going to be a good time and people are going to ride off into the sunset.

It sounds like we're making this up. This is not a bit. This is real. This is actually real this time, you guys.

Okay, well Erin, describe yours.

Okay, fine. I have a lot of special stuff coming up, but the first thing is a story of superheroes and super- Yeah, I'm making it up right now. What the fuck? A window? Shit. Superheroes and super villains that takes place in the world of Riddle City with a ton, and I mean a ton, of super special guest performers.

Those two lame ideas not up to your speed? Well, then you can check out another Patreon stretch goal, which is a little something that we call Hey Riddle Station. That's right. We're going just like Fast and the Furious all the way to space, and we have hijinks and hilarity that will ensue. You can check out all of those stretch goals on Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. In a serious note from all three of us, we want to thank all of you so much for listening to the show and helping support the show for the last three years. It's been an absolute fucking pleasure to do and we can't wait to bring you some more stuff.

Because of you, I have shoes. TPC, do you really think our ideas are bad?

No, just Adal's.

Erin, yours is great!

Yay! Thanks to- Wait a second.

Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife in the grave. And the horse was seen riding.

Uncle JP?

Uncle JP Riddles?

Hey Uncle JP, hey, um... How'd you kids get in this hospital? We checked in at the guest registration desk. Oh.

Yeah, they said that you're taking visitors between 3am and 4am.

That's my office hours! I'm a professor now! Oh, thank you. Can't eat these.

He tried anyways.

Ask him. We wanted to come visit you because we heard that you had a special three-year anniversary swan lumps you wanted to tell.

You heard that I had a special three-year anniversary. Don't even know what that means in our constructed timeline. Anniversary swan lumps that you wanted me to eat. You little piscreants. That's a portmanteau of miscreants and piss rats.

Wait, I misspoke. I'm sorry. We heard you had a three beer anniversary swan lumps.

That's more like it. Now, take the beer out and put a Sloppy Joe's inside. You got yourself a ball game.

Uncle JP Riddles?

Yes?

I have to ask this, and this is, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but was that man in the hospital bed next to you dead when you came in here, or...

That man next to me in the hospital bed was made of wood when I came in. I'm slowly bringing him back to life!

Okay.

You gotta admit, wood to dead guys is quite an improvement. Geppetto, no.

Have you been watching General Hospital on the TV all day and all night?

Listen, I'll go to any war General Hospital sends me to because I am a soldier in this world. Now you kids want to hear a swan lumps or not.

Yeah!

All right, here we go. Dusting off the old swan lump sack, reaching in real deep. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh, lots of sardine bites. Oh, I gotta get those in the water.

Okay. There are porcupine in there? Why do you have so many porcupine needles in your hand?

There's so many needles in my hand because there is no porcupine in there. Those are trophies.

Uncle J.P. How come your toupee is AstroTurf?

Because it was paid for by the Koch brothers.

Uncle J.P.C.?

Yeah.

How come none of the nurses, um, like you? We thought they were coming to visit you and they said, ugh!

Probably a combination of raw sexual charisma and just me being generally unpleasant to people!

What a terrible combination!

Swan Lumps, 2776. The future was bleak. Air raid sirens played day and night. The oceans were lava and the lava was gravy and the gravy was all out of mashed potatoes. There he was. Cyborg JP Riddle standing atop a squirrel mountain. I know what you think of what's a squirrel mountain. Well, a squirrel mountain is a naturally formed formation when enough squirrels die that the bones solidify and oscillate and they create themselves a little mountain with a caldera and a cavern system underneath. That's where Cyborg JP Riddles made his home! What did he have here? Two annoying little fucking hologram kids. All they had was questions and questions and questions. And they were probably working with the nurses. That's right, in 2776, the nurses are the enemy and they're trying to take over the world with their shots and their prods and their pokes. And they have good cheery attitudes and they're underpaid, underappreciated.

Yeah, Uncle JP, do you really think that this is the year to come out hard against nurses?

I should've done it last year! What was I waiting for? Oh, GP Rills, you always wait too long, you miss the cultural zeitgeist!

Uncle GP, what's going on with the voicemail you left us that said you were joining the X-Men?

Yeah!

No, I said I was conscripted into the X-Men because I lost a bet with Cyclops! I said I could kiss longer, but he kissed way longer than me.

Uncle JP Riddles, why is it that you're in the hospital? No one will tell us what you're sick of.

They give you free bread every three days in here. I'm as healthy as a horse, and by that I mean I have a lot of horse diseases. Anyway, the cyborg ate the holograms and he beat all the nurses down and broke their spirits and formed them to his will. And then JP Riddles the cyborg was the king of all society. That's Swanlumps 2776, the end. Chief Uncle JP?

Huh? Did you know that Today is the three year anniversary of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Well, that's questionable. Some may say we missed it by a week, but this is certain that today the episode's coming out. You're crazy.

And Uncle JP, everyone in the hospital says that you're not allowed to have any more elected surgeries. You actually have to need the surgeries from now on to get them.

I'll tell you what, that surgery won that election fair and square. It beat out a lot of other really deserving surgeries to take place on my body.

God damn it.

No? Well next surgery I'm voting for Adal Rifai.

I'm voting for JPC. And I'm voting for Adal Rifai. I think he'll be very good.

Ooh, I won. And you won by listening to this episode, the three year anniversary almost of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Happy anniversary to Adal and JPC.

Whoa, Erin just jumped out of a cake.

And it hurt. This hurt. That cake is not the kind of cake you're supposed to jump out from. It hurt.

That was like an 11 by 9 sheet cake. It just jumped out of it. That's a piece of paper.

It also sucks that you're dressed as JFK after.

After.

So if this is your first time listening to Hey Riddle Riddle, Go back and listen to some of, this isn't the greatest introduction, but go back!

Yeah, don't stay here.

Don't stay here. We have a wonderfully packed show for you today. We are so excited and thank you so much for the support, the listenership, the rating, the reviewing, the Patreon supportage, everything. We are so happy to have made it three years. I do have to ask you too. We've made it three years. Do we think, my thought is maybe we do one more year with Riddles and then after that we just call the podcast Hey? Oh, okay. And it's like Hey! And then we just talk.

I think it's going to be more like, hey, yeah, we're not doing riddles anymore.

I think that we should keep it riddles, but the episodes, we should make each episode 10 seconds shorter until we get to, and then we replace the 10 seconds with the girl from Ipanema Elevated Music. So eventually, four years from now, it's just, hey, I'm J.P.C.

And I'm J.P.C. And everyone's like, much more pleasant.

Thank you.

This is actually better for my commute. Can I tell you the eeriest thing, which is I haven't thought about or heard that song in, I believe, 10 to 11 years. Whoa. And today, Just today, for the first time in 10 to 11 years, I thought about the song because Sadia texted me from set. Sadia's shooting a TV show in Chicago. And one of the main actors she's working with is from Brazil. And she said he keeps singing. And I said, if he keeps singing, ask him to sing Girl From Eponema. So the first time in 10 or 11 years that I mention or even think about this song, JPC brings it up. That's Kismet.

It's Kismet.

And you brought it up. So why was it in your head? Because it's a Brazilian, it's the only Brazilian artist I know is Jueo Gerberto. It's like Gerberto and Getz is the artist. Interesting. They sing that song. That's the only Brazilian song I know.

I have a thing to say about our anniversary.

Oh, I think we're talking about Brazilian socks now. No, Erin's getting down on my knees. Okay, well, you know, okay.

I'm getting down on my knee to tie my shoe. Anyone else need their shoes tied while I'm down here? I do.

Mine's covered in cake, deep by shoe type.

Erin, what do you have?

I have a thought. There are people, human people, who have been listening to our show since the beginning, or close to the beginning. We have people Again, human people with families and jobs and a life who have spent three years listening to a Riddle podcast. It's not even a Riddle podcast, it's a nightmare. There are people who from July of 2018 till now said, I know what I'll do. Those three screeching monkeys are not quite out of riddles yet. Let's give them another shot. Maybe this week they'll nail it.

I gotta tell you, our fandom is some of the greatest people, I would say second best fandom in the history of fandoms. That's not bad. Number one of course, Jane's Silent Bob. Jane's Silent Bob fans. Jane's Silent Bob fans, you're stuck with it through thick and thin. You're still with them. You're ride or die. Kevin Smith and the other guy, you rule.

We salute you, Jane's Silent Bob fans. And I want to take a moment to introduce my new tattoo. It says Snoochie Boochies, and it's right above my asshole.

That's a crowded spot, Adal. Lots of tattoos there. They're all kind of intelligent.

Your asshole is a crowded spot.

That's my favorite peachy song. What's third then? What's the third greatest fandom?

Steven Universe.

Steven Universe, oh yeah.

What's fourth? Cubs? Red Sox?

Yes, it's Cubs, Red Sox are tied at fourth. Cubs, Red Sox, and Eagles tied at fourth.

Okay.

I think it's going to be Philadelphia Flyers next because they're on their best behavior because everyone is terrified of gritty.

Then it's people who actively seek out a Bubba Gump shrimp company into the city that they're going to, to eat at, to dine at, to dine in, to eat the food there. That's number six.

Human people eating and dining there.

I've realized something, this being our third year anniversary, today I've spent a lot of time wandering around the house, reflecting on this journey that we've been on together. And I've realized something very special. I live in a house of mirrors, one of them makes me look real tall and thin. I realize that a family can be anything. And in our instance, a family is three people screaming into a microphone. That's true.

In our instance, our family is our families, and this is something we do every week. No, no, no, no, no. No, this is great. I love this. Don't ever leave me.

Adal, did you mention that this episode was jam-packed?

Uh, I should say it's jelly packed, cause it doesn't shake like that. So let's get into some of this jam packed, I'm sorry, let's get into some of this jelly packed show. Cause jelly don't roll like that. You just said it and I don't remember it. Erin and JPC, do you know in romance, in romance throughout history is the best way to phrase it. Do you know what the three year anniversary gift is without looking it up?

I want to say stone.

Cork? Okay. I heard stone. I heard cork.

I don't think we know. My big guess right now is I don't know.

I want to say Velcro. I'm changing my answer to Velcro from stone to Velcro. Because it's barely hanging on.

Any amount of pressure will tear it apart.

A little fun fact, my three-year anniversary with Sean is just a couple weeks before the anniversary of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Wow.

So three years with Sean just has come and gone, and I didn't look up what the three-year anniversary gift is, so now I'm starting to feel guilty. But we started dating right before the show started.

Yeah, I remember those early episodes that you came into the recordings miserable, and now I forgot that that was why.

Yeah, well the first seven episodes we weren't dating. I was dating someone else. Oh really? Lasted that guy for Shawn. Yeah!

I was trying to make a joke and then backed by it.

No, no, yeah, that's real.

Go back. You can make a joke.

Whoopsie doodle.

Shawn said you should stop seeing that guy you're seeing. He wasn't officially my boyfriend yet, but he was like, stop seeing that guy. And I was like, okay.

You're like, but I have to do a podcast with him. It's going to be so fucking awkward.

And it's a Riddle podcast. I can't.

Didn't you say that Sean shoved that guy you were seeing into one of the lockers during break?

Yeah. And then they both were like, how are we here? We don't go to school. We're grown adults who've never met.

Well, again, I do not want to tell your story, but I feel like I've heard this before and I feel like specifically what Sean said was he pushed that other guy over and he said, ditch the zero and get with the hero, correct?

Yeah, he was trying to get that guy to date him.

Well, and the zero was you were drinking a Coke Zero, right? And he knocked it out of your hands?

And then he said, have a coke with Sean.

Oh, that's a good line. That's a good line. I remember when coke used to have everyone's name on it. Uh-huh, I do. Including mine. I looked for Adal everywhere. I spent so much money on 24 pecs. Would you believe they didn't have a JPC coke either? Well, to answer your question, which I asked, the third year anniversary gift is more space for each of you. No, the third anniversary gift is leather.

Wow!

Isn't that fun? Kinky! Wow!

That is... weird. Isn't that fun? What about faux leather? What if I don't want to buy anything that's real leather?

I think leather is acceptable. So for our third year anniversary, what it is, just real quick, I made up some alter egos for us involving leather. So these are our S&M alter egos. Erin, yay or nay? We havin' fun?

Sticks and sojays make my balls of dancin' with the excitement!

Come on! I think I may have told you guys this, but I was very confused because one of my neighbors hung up a flag that I'd never seen before earlier this summer, and I thought it was some weird Blue Lives Matter flag, but it was the Chicago leather flag, and it's black and blue with a little heart on it. For black and blue with love. It was originated in Chicago, and It's the official flag for leather pride. So it's like a bruise? I heart bruises? Yeah, it's like black and blue with love because the bondage thing is, you get a little beat up, a little rough around the edges, some bruising there, but it's all with love. It's a fun flag, but it has blue and light blue lines on it, and I was like, is this a thin blue line thing? What the fuck is this? And I got really upset, and then Mariah Googled it for me because I don't know how to reverse Google from describing a flag to my phone, and she was like, no, this is a leather flag.

That's outstanding. I didn't know those existed. Neither did I until this summer. Fly your flag is what I say. So real quick, let me just go through our leather alter egos. I'd love to list a couple of flags you shouldn't fly. That's fair, that's fair. So for me, my alter ego, my leather alter ego, smooth Reynolds, I'm a sentient leather duster, I love taking back Sunday, and I can't stand bunk beds.

Okay, what generator did you use for this? I have a lot of questions.

Erin, I'm glad you have questions because your leather alter ego, just for this episode, for the three year anniversary, feel free to chime in.

Unless it feels great and then maybe it becomes my entire persona.

Wow, Erin. You just moved to LA. Time for a big change.

Your leather alter ego is Hannah Cotta.

She's a badass biker mama. She's one of the Heaven's Demon Spiker members. She's seven foot eight and pulling it off. Yes, queen.

I'm just a little bit annoyed that my persona is so close to who I am. Like, I just want to be someone new for the day.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. J.P.C. Hold on, hold on. I'm going to get like moo cow over or some shit like that, right? That's my look. I can already see where this is going.

It's moo cow over.

J.P.C., your leather personality for today, your leather alter ego, is pistol Spanx. Whoa!

I'm so jealous!

Of course, that's a parrot clad in all leather with a little leather cap like Marlon Brando in the wild one. Okay! And Pistol Spinks' catchphrase is, Polly win a cracker, Polly hardly know her. Alright, let me try this brando.

Polly win a cracker, Polly hardly know her.

Okay, I like it. Pretty good. Thank you all for indulging me in our leather alter egos.

What did you get me?

I got you a billfold.

A leather billfold? A billfold. Okay. What did you get JPC?

a wallet.

She doesn't deserve to die for being bad at giving gifts.

Sorry, I should have gotten a gift card. Every year she would be like, my senior year of high school I was cast as Robin Hood in Robin Hood the Musical. So that year for Christmas, she got me like 38 different Robin Hood themed gifts. And she's like, that's your thing, right? And I was like, no, I just got cast in this. And then like one time I mentioned that... Damn, she sounds super thoughtful.

She knew something about that was happening in her life and was trying to be supportive.

But I would mention she would have a sweater with an elephant on it. I'm like, Grandma, I love that sweater. That elephant is so cool. And so the next year, for Christmas, every single item would be elephant themed. She'd get me an elephant, little miniature figure. She'd get me an elephant, like Zuba's pants. Everything was elephant themed.

I have a bone to pick with you. Adal, take a seat. This woman paid such close attention to the very little you gave her about who you were and what you enjoyed. She held onto a memory for a year that you enjoyed elephants and then did her best and we called her the worst gift giver of all time.

Well, I'm leading up to it. She's not here to defend herself. And then the year I, I think the year I was in college, first in college, she got me all, without me saying anything or saying I liked anything or giving any hint at this, she got me all leather stuff. So she got me like a huge matrix style leather trench coat. Oh, a duster?

That's fucking awesome.

But this was around the time that you absolutely did not want to be wearing those. No, of course not. I'm not going to say why, but you can intuit why. So this was like immediately tucked away of like nobody can see this because that's terrifying. And then also she got me two different wallets that were attached to like long chains, almost like zoot suit wallets. Oh yeah. But I never used them.

Maybe she heard that you were getting teased at college and she was like, I'm going to help him out.

I got tees at college. You could put it in your pocket and you'd like be sitting up at an angle for the rest of the day. But one time I got for Christmas a black leather wallet and I thought that was so fucking cool. And it was like, it was like more sleek. It didn't have like, they had only like a two pocket. I was used to having like the ones that have like three pockets and like places to put pictures of people and stuff like that, which is like, why would a child need this?

And you believe that two pocket is, the two pocket wallet is still living an island, right? Still living. Not just a hologram? Still making really good wallet accessories.

I think I have a theory about why you got so many wallets. Oh. I think that people were always at a loss for what to get men as gifts.

Yep.

For a lot of our upbringing. True. I remember always seeing in magazines of like, what to get your dad for father's hair, like what to get your husband. It's true. It's like gift guides for men, and it is the same shit every time. And I go, I don't know any men who want like this high tech watch and then another wallet.

Nope. Yeah, exactly. Because it's just like, a lot of people use wallets because they're functional and they serve like a purpose. But I don't know a lot of people that get super excited about like if I were to gift someone a wallet, they'd be like, holy shit, a wallet. I love this. I love that I get to change all of my stuff out and put it into this wallet now.

I'd be like, my dad doesn't need another grill. He just doesn't. Every year we get him a grill and our whole backyard is grills.

Sorry, are you two talking about wallets?

Oh, Puzzbot was trying to find an opening.

30 minutes in and it did not come.

It's like a game of Double Dutch.

All the doors were locked. I had to crawl in through the window. Happy three-year anniversary, everyone.

Hi, Puzzbot. How are you?

I'm doing well. Thank you for asking. I built you something to celebrate your three-year anniversary.

Oh, Puzzbot, you get to do that. And I drew you a bath.

Oh, that's a picture of a bath. Beautiful.

Uh-huh. It's just, I also, this is a representation of the one that I drew you back there. There's a bath waiting for you whenever you're ready.

Clawfoot? Why is there a toaster next to the bathtub? For waffles?

Uh-oh. You don't have bath waffles, idiot?

Waffles?

Waffles, thank you so much. I built you something to celebrate. Would you like to meet it? Yes, we're meeting. Meet? Well speaking of, it's going off the topic you were just talking about. I built you a robot because I know that you don't enjoy me terribly well. So I built you a robot made entirely from leather. It's like a cross between Wall-E and E.T. and it's named Wallet. It will answer any question you have about the future. I'm sorry, hold on. You skipped over a part, Buzzbot. Does Wallet know the future? We have to assume so. Okay. For the sake of this segment. Wallet, I have a question. Are you in any pain?

It looks like you would be in a horrible pain. From what you are.

I am in pain. Ooh, this is unpleasant.

We should kill Wallet, right?

Wallet, do you want to die? Eventually. That would be my answer, too.

Let's ask another question about the future.

Wallet? Yes? Do I ever like... Start liking something that I think I hate. Like, when I was younger, I thought I would hate tomatoes forever. Is there anything like that that I'll come to love or enjoy?

Yes. In the future, you will wear only corduroy.

Ooh, I hope I live somewhere cold, because that sounds like hell if I'm still in LA.

You aren't. Wallet, I have a question for you. Mean! You get cast on a Disney cruise. Oh, mean!

Well, I have a question for you. Yes, anything. So, while I've been the same weight since high school and this year I've actively been trying to put on weight and I have gained four pounds, which, wallet, that's not enough and it's not part of my goal. Will I ever be any bigger than I am now, wallet?

Yes.

In six months time, you will have gained and booked up 22 pounds. Oh, I can't wait. I'm gonna be thick as hell and I'll be ready to fight Wallet. Thank you so much, buddy. Yes, the embalming fluid will add so much weight. I'm choosing not to hear that part.

Wallet.

Yes.

What happens to Puzzbot? Wallet, what happens to Puzzbot?

In the future, Puzzbot tries to make waffles in the bathtub and is electrocuted. How far in the future are you from, Wallet? I am not from the future. I can only tell the future.

What is this? What is this podcast?

Yeah, that doesn't seem right.

That don't don't hurt. That don't don't hurt, Wallet.

Oh, and since he is peeing or yelling at waiters outside or something, some Adal thing, what happens to Adal? Those are the two balls for Adal.

I can tell you exactly what he's doing. He's peeing on a waiter. No, I'm sorry. He's waiting on a pee. It won't come out.

That was a very simple, very clean joke. I loved that very much.

Thank you.

But what's like Adal's future like?

Adal's future. Oh. Outcome looks doubtful.

I mean, JPC dies in six months, so how much worse can Adals be?

Ask again later. Wait a second, wait a second. Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna open up Wallet's back folds here. Ew.

No, don't do that.

There's a Magic 8-Ball in here!

You can't tell the future, you're just a Magic 8-Ball inside a wallet. I'm sorry, I thought if I put a Magic 8-Ball in a wallet, you would think it was a new robot.

Wow, you tricked us, Wallet.

Hey, back here, in the bathtub, it's me, Puzbot.

Puzbot, no, this is too dark, even for a Riddle podcast. Get out of the bath. Puzbot, get out of the bath.

You got some explaining to do, Puzbot.

Puzbot, I'm gonna chase you.

Chase Quick Pay?

Puzbot, get out.

Puzbot, she would say I'm gonna zell you if she was gonna chase Quick Pay you.

Zell is robot hell. Hey Riddle Riddle. Sorry, I tried to take a quick leak and it just would not come out. You ever have that?

I peed on a waiter before, if that's what you're asking.

I find that I just can't pee with an erection. I don't know what it is.

I've been in a public bathroom before and have someone knocking on the stall the entire time I'm in there. And you know what? It just can't happen. I can't pee if somebody's knocking.

Well, speaking of knock piss, let's do our first riddle of the three year anniversary episode. Are we ready for this? Wow. I'm so ready for this. Since it's our leather anniversary, can we do a quick red, leather, yellow, leather? Oh, please.

Red, leather, yellow, leather. Red, yellow, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather, leather.

Great. JBC? Red, leather, yellow, leather. Red, leather, yellow, leather. Leather, leather, leather, leather. Okay, now I'll go real quick.

Okay. Yellow Bed Letter is the best Pearl Jam song. Okay. Kevin was praised for the great novels he had written. His athletic accomplishments were given the highest accolades, and his artworks were given the greatest compliments. Despite all these superior statements, Kevin was not considered a success. Why? Okay, so we got great athlete, great artist, great intellect.

Novelist.

I love that answer. Who invented the printing press? Police Academy. Police Academy printing press. JPC, you are the first, I think the Bible was the first book published with the printing press?

I believe so. So, who knows? Please don't fact check us on this.

Erin, I want you to be Gutenberg and you just created a printing press and made your first book. JPC, you are the first Bible hot off the presses and you two are having a conversation.

And press. Whoa, look at me.

Look at me.

I finished. This took so long.

Holy guacamole, I'm thick as a brick. Oh, I'm the big boy.

Wow. Can I ask you a question?

Me? The Bible? Sure.

Yeah. Who wrote you?

Well. Who created you? Who wrote you? Now, okay. Interesting point of distinction. Who do you want to talk to? Do you want to talk to Old Testament? Do you want to talk to New Testament?

New Testament. I feel like that did the most damage so far.

Alright. Just flip me open to halfway. By the way, I'm Old Testament. You gotta flip me open to at least about halfway to talk to New Testament. Hi New Testament.

Are you high?

Am I what?

Are you high?

What time is it?

Oh my god.

Is this a job interview?

No, this is not a job interview in New Testament. I just wanted to ask you some questions that I've always wanted to ask the Bible.

I dig your vibes, man.

Hey, I just want to hear from you. You got blue eyes. Thank you.

Anybody ever tell you you got blue eyes?

New Testament, you would be a fucking pervert. This is so classic. You're such a pervert. New Testament, I just want to hear it from you. There are no white people in the Bible, right? I'm sorry? No white people in the Bible, not a single white person's in there.

Hey man, listen to me. And I'm going to be very, very, very clear on this. If you're in the Bible, you're all right in my book.

That's not what I said. And I'm the book. All right, New Testament, I got a new question.

You got a new question? I got a New Testament.

Jesus.

Moses came first and then the New Testament came calling.

New Testament. Are you drunk and high? I got a question.

Are your eyes green or blue? I cannot figure you out.

Oh my gosh. New Testament.

Do you have that monochromatomamoopa?

New Testament. Knock it off. Hey.

Okay. Hey. Hey, dude. You're sharp.

You're pressed, man. You're rules. Knock, knock. Sorry, Gutenberg. I was walking by your shop.

I know the hours are late, but are you talking to someone in here? I know there's a lot of rumors about...

I have a very real wife in here. She's very real, and she's my wife. It's not a printing press that I put on my penis.

Do you need me to play your wife? I can play your wife. New Testament's got all kinds of fun stuff in here.

New Testament, I feel like you're sort of a firecracker right now. I feel like I can't do this.

As per the timing, as per the time and era that we live in, could I please hear your wife say something out loud? Okay, yeah, you're up.

Okay.

Baby, I just made a big plate of Hoimos Rancheros. I hope you're hungry.

Is that true, New Testament? Because I'm hungry now.

No, I'm a book. I cannot cook. But if you could cook, I'm hungry as heck.

Same. Show me the Bible where it says, Huevos Rancheros.

Hey, which, depending on which Bible you're reading now, you know what I'm saying?

Just give me a dart, and if I throw it, I bet I'll hit the exact page where it says it.

I would love it if you were just flipping through the Bible at random and they were like, and Ezekiel bequeathed a big plate of Huevos Rancheros to Zachary.

And Moses said unto them, have some gushers, y'all.

And Moses said, let's part these nachos and split them down the middle.

Speaking of, pardon these nachos and split them down the middle. Oh, no, never mind. We have not finished this riddle, never mind.

What do we think is going on with Kevin? Kevin was praised for the great novels he had written, his athletic accomplishments were given the highest accolades, and his artworks were given the greatest compliments despite all these superior statements. Kevin was not considered a success. What the F is going on?

I was going to say is there something like, and I don't think this is right, but like Hemingway or like one of those people that was like, I think Hemingway was a success in his time, but one of those people that was not successful in their day, but became like, what are those painters? There was a bunch of painters that died that miserable. Van Gogh? Yeah, poor. I think Dolly died pinning this maybe. That's not the right direction here?

No, so it's not that he was appreciated posthumously. Gotcha. Here's what I'll say. He only had one supporter. He only had one critic and fan. He only had one critic and fan? Excuse me?

He's a kid.

Explain.

He's a kid. He's a kid doing all these things for his parents. And one parent is the critic and one is the fan. You know how kids are just like doing stuff and everyone's always like, good job!

You know how you paint and frame an $80,000 piece of art and then your parents put a magnet on it on the fridge? Um, Erin, I'm gonna go ahead and give it to you. What's going on is that all the praise, accolades, and compliments were Kevin's about himself.

Oh.

It's sort of a Stuart Smalley situation.

Oh, I would like to see a scene. That's so sad. Adal, you are a, let's say a chef, and you've just made a dinner for one, and you're trying to give your compliments to the chef, which is you.

What we have here is sea scallops. They're drizzled with a chutney, mango chutney. We have a Souchon of grilled asparagus with sea salt and caramel. And we also have some cherry tomatoes and a reduction of duck fat vinaigrette. Very good. Thank you. Okay. Ooh, my compliments to the me. Okay, I'm getting the tanginess. I get a little umami. The duck fat is almost like, it almost tastes like foie gras. It's this beautiful, just glowing after. Oh, that's what I was going for. Sorry. That's what I was going for. Oh, good. Good, good, good, good. Now, the asparagus, what is this at? It's a little limp. Okay, well, I was just working with the produce you provided me. These are not in season, asparagus is not in season. If you had given me some himica or some green onion, I could have done something a little bit better. No, that's fine, that's fine. Okay, well, why don't you go back to the kitchen and await the judge's decision. Judges? Okay, I think this is bad. Yeah, I think this is also pretty bad. Yeah, I'd say this is the worst food I've ever eaten. It's almost inedible. I'm hiding it in the pocket of my cheek like a squirrel. Can you come back out here, Chef? Yes? This is very bad. This food is very bad.

I'm here with Chef Livingston who just got a scathing review in the New York Times from himself. Chef, what did it feel like to get such a harsh review from a food critic that was also yourself?

Well, it's a pretty tough blow, but I don't want to blame anyone. But I do want to say that the other day in the alley I was out behind the restaurant and a smaller version of me hit under my hat and was pulling my own hair to direct me where to go and how to cook.

That sounds like an excuse, Chef. And if you could say anything to yourself right now, what would you say?

Um, well, I'd have to say that I'm definitely not 50 spiders in a balloon, and, um, uh, buh-bye!

Uh, back to you, Kyle, in the studio, who's gonna talk about all those spiders that got loose. Kyle?

Yeah, I'm freaking out. I saw that balloon pop and I saw those things scatter everywhere and I'm taking off my shoes and my socks.

Why?

Because I think they're on my feet and I want to be able to see them if they're on my feet. We all work as one.

Say it. Speaking of we all work as one, we all work for fun. What?

I thought we were going to all say let's go to break together.

Yeah, let's do it. Well, on account of three year anniversary. One year anniversary, two year anniversary, three year anniversary.

Three year anniversary. Let's go.

Go to... Fuck, just... Casey, put them in here.

Spiders!

And we're back for our third anniversary.

Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Oh wait.

Knock, knock, knock.

Sorry, there's a knock at the ceiling here. Let me just remove some of these tiles. Hello.

Hello, you've been sent a singing telegram. Someone has sent me for eleven dollars to bring you a three year anniversary.

There must be a mistake.

I'll pay you twelve. Yeah, there must be a mistake. Everyone here is dead, so.

What? You dead spooky ghost.

I landed on the roof like Santa Claus, and I got something in common with those reindeers. My body shape. I'm Coco Cashmere.

I'm looking at the roof right now, and Santa Claus does not mess the shingles up that bad. It is wrecked up there. Yeah, also you have four legs?

And I have a big fur coat and my eyes twinkle.

And your nose is red because you're drunk. You're visibly drunk.

It's a disease.

It's true, it's true. Alcoholism is a disease.

Happy anniversary from your old friend Erin who saw me coming and took off running faster than I've ever seen someone run.

Oh, is that the song? It was more like spoken word.

I haven't started yet! Oh God, hey! Help me down from the ceiling and I'll start to sing.

Is this part of the song? I just, I don't want to interrupt. Okay, I'll be quiet.

How are you? No, that's probably the song. Do not interrupt.

Sorry.

Alright. It's your anniversary, and you have a hard time trying to pee.

I saw it by accident. You had to pee, but you couldn't.

JPC is a pervert.

He has fun, and he's number one, but he's actually number three after Adal and Erin.

Sucks to hear. Sucks to find out this way.

Oh, she's falling asleep.

I mean, I guess I always knew all this stuff. I just don't like to hear it out loud.

It's almost if you gave free blenders three different microphones and called it a podcast.

I just realized I came to the wrong place. This song wasn't for you.

No, no, it was too specific.

No, I'm so sorry.

I'm supposed to go to a different podcast. I'm so sorry I said I came to the wrong place. Goodbye.

She just floated up through the fireplace while saying I fell through the floor. I think when you turned around and she was, the floor, the fireplace, it's all kind of the same thing.

Hey guys, I'm back.

I will say she was doing a handstand, then she said I'm falling through the floor, and then she floated up through the fireplace.

Erin, I'm back. What's more Hey Riddle Riddle than someone saying, I'm doing this thing, and the other two saying, no you're not, not even a little.

Yeah, I don't know. Nothing, Erin. The answer is nothing is more Hey Riddle Riddle than that.

Sorry, that was so long. No, it was perfect. Erin, thank you so much. $11, that's very kind of you.

I didn't buy that.

I did. That was for me.

Oh. Thank you, JPC.

Thank you, JPC.

I totally forgot. Can I be honest with you? I ordered that two years ago.

Oh, that's great that you had enough faith in the show that you thought that we would be.

No, she got the details completely wrong. I ordered that for our anniversary two years ago.

You guys, I gotta say I can see the sounds on my recording.

Isn't that great?

Oh man, just a wall of sound for several minutes. That's horrible. I get it. I get it people threw their phone into space because of this episode.

Sure. Speaking of this episode, let's do another Riddle in this episode. Flawless segue. Thank you. Susie had planned her escape from jail for weeks. Her diabolical plan involved eating nothing but chocolates and sweets. Susie avoided washing her face. The plan worked! Susie was still in jail two weeks later. What's going on?

So Susie was trying to get out of jail?

Yes.

And she ate a bunch of chocolates, and then the plan worked, and then she was still in jail two weeks later?

Her plan to get out of jail was to eat nothing but chocolates and sweets, and avoid washing her face. The plan worked, but Susie was still in jail two weeks later.

Um, she works in jail.

Okay, okay. She wanted to go home, she was a guard, and she wanted to go home sick.

Okay, everybody's working in a prison. Can we have a hint? The hint is, um, pre-pre-pre-pre, Rebecca Gayheart. Oh, okay. I think, I think, Rebecca Gayheart. I don't know. The hint is, I want to say Jessica Simpson? One of the Simpsons.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is this the person from Murder She Wrote? What's that person's name? That's Agatha Christie.

Angela Lanter.

You're thinking of Agatha Christie.

You're just using random woman's names.

These are true hints. Rebecca Gayhart and I believe Jessica Simpson are actual hints.

So she ate a bunch of chocolate. Now, is that supposed to be like really bad for your complexion? Did Jessica Simpson do like a proactive commercial? Okay. Okay. She did. Or like Neutrogena or something like that. I feel like Jessica Simpson did. Did Rebecca Gayhart do?

I'm Jessica Simpson with Proactive. You don't want to be humiliated, do you? My younger sister Ashley Simpson lip synced on SNL and she's never been able to live it down. Don't be like her. Get proactive. Proactive prevents you from lip syncing.

Hi, I'm Erin Carter. I threatened to kill my brother Nick Carter. I'll still kill you if I ever see you again, motherfucker! Proactive. Be proactive about threatening to kill your brother who is in the Backstreet Boys.

Hi, and I'm Jimmy Carter, former president and peanut farmer. You know, peanuts can cause a lot of acne. Eat peanuts.

Get the hell out of here, Jimmy Carter. Guys, help me push him out of the door. Goddammit, stop coming here.

He floated up out of the chimney. Let's do a quick death pool. Who do we think is going down first? Jimmy Carter, Erin Carter. Honestly, Erin Carter. Honestly, Erin, yeah.

Jimmy will outlive us all. So, JPC, you are circling the target. So definitely, she wanted to escape from jail. Think about another way to phrase that. She wanted to escape from jail. Another way to phrase it.

Break out. Who wants to break out? Oh my freaking gourd.

Who wants to break out? I gotta say, I gotta say

This is a person who does not belong in jail because they cannot get the mental health resources that they need in jail because if their plan was to break out by eating chocolate and making their face explode, they need to be in a different facility. We're not helping this person. What was their crime? Tell me their crime.

Don't tell GBC their crime.

Double murder. Never mind. So sorry. It's in the index here. Yeah, Susie killed three people. At a comedy club with her jokes. She's bad. She's banished.

She has to leave the kingdom with.

She could prop comedy. I want to see a scene. JPC, you are on a first date and you have a bit of a breakout on your face. Just maybe one pimple that's kind of popped up and said hello. And you are in the bathroom before the date trying to talk to this pimple, trying to get it to go away. And Erin, you are the pimple.

Okay, just be yourself. Keep the conversation light and breezy. What the fuck is that?

Hey!

Oh my god.

Hey!

What are you doing? You were not here this morning. You were not here this morning. What are you doing here? A pimple on my face.

I'm here. We're going on a date.

No, I am going on a date. You get the fuck out of here. Get lost. Look, because you're unsightly and I'm trying to bring an impression to this person and you're the only thing that they're gonna remember because you're right on my fucking nose.

She's not even good enough for you.

Okay? She's a veterinarian.

Yeah, that stressed you out so much, and now I'm here. You really want to be with someone who loves animals and takes care of animals? Like... I don't know.

She seems like a good person from everything that we, you know, we've texted a little bit. Like, it seems... Okay.

Well, I'm smart too, and I'm interesting too. And I'm going out to dinner with you guys. And if I ruin your date, then I ruin your date.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. No, no, no, no. This can't be happening. I can't be, I'm not competing with you for my attention, okay?

Hey everybody, look at me! Look at me, everybody! Fuck you! Hello!

Hi, are you, um, I'm Samantha, are you? Dustin! Hey! So nice to meet you.

Hi, I am Samantha, are you my date?

Oh, who's your friend? Um, this is, uh, Justina. Oh. Justina, say hello.

You're not good enough for him. Three more wines, please. Sorry. What do you guys want?

Sorry, Justina had a couple a couple of wines on the way over here. Just let's maybe just ignore her and I'm really interested to know about you said that you are taking a pottery class? That sounds fun. I never said that.

Okay. I said that.

Wait a second. Hold on. Let me check my phone. Justina, have you been have you been texting me?

Hmm. I am gonna get all my friends out here and we're all gonna be out here soon. You want me to do that?

No, no, please. I cannot. Please do not have any more of your friends come.

I'm gonna call them.

No, I'm not touching my face. Oh, you must have drank some Zinfandel because I see a whitehead just popped up.

Hey, it's Party Ricky everybody. Party Ricky brings the cocaine.

Party Ricky's my ex and are you happy that he's here now? Are you jealous?

Not really, I'm going to remove myself from this situation.

Was it talking to you, Samantha? I'm so sorry, Samantha. I think that she was talking to me. No, I don't know why party Ricky's here. I don't know why I would have cocaine in my face. It doesn't make any sense. Samantha, please. This is not indicative of an evening that I wanted to have.

Okay, let's just settle down. We'll have a nice meal. I heard that this chef was rated number one in the Tri-State area by himself. Okay! He graduated from James Cordon Bleu College. Culinary Institute. So let's look at the menu here. Okay. We have Jalapeno Poppers.

What else? I would like to say something. I know that I'm a little drunk. And I know that I'm just, is it on your face?

Speak your truth, girl.

But the last two days we have spent together have been the only of my life. And I think that this is just a really good place to be. And I like that everyone looks at me and I like that.

Oh, she's, she's retreating. She's retreating. What, wait, wait. I mean, I didn't know that you felt that way about me.

Was you talking to me? Because I am over her. We don't want to hear from the Zit named Party Ricky a little more.

We do. Everybody needs a Zit like Party Ricky. Yeah, if my Zits were like Party Ricky, I wouldn't hate them so much. Mm-hmm. Speaking of hate so much, would you two like to be introduced to a new segment called Adal Brained? Yeah! Yay! Is this a real segment? Sure. Do you know what the term Adaled means? Yeah, it's excrambled. Yep, so Adaled means unable to think clearly or confused. That's what it means to be Adaled or Adal Brained.

What?

You've never heard that? It's a real word. I have, yeah, Adaled. Like Brain Adal.

Okay?

So this segment is called Adal Brained and what it is is I just wrote down some things while I was high the other night and I wanted to run them by you.

Oh my god. I had to wait three years for the perfect segment but it was worth the wait. Oh not hit me.

If this can be a segment, anything can. So we're gonna keep this to one minute so that I don't get hate mail. Okay. So here's my first high thought. Hey the Beastie Boys should come out with some over the counter medicine. They should be called cough drops. Interesting.

You know here's what I think. I think that the Beastie Boys could do like a co-branding thing with Ricola and they could do that.

I think that would at least be a commercial. Yeah, absolutely. Here's another one that I wrote when I was stoned out of my fucking gourd. Any blowjob from a muppet is a handjob. Huh. Yeah. No, Erin, we only have 30 seconds left.

Okay, I was just gonna say I have no opinion about that one.

Okay.

It was so awesome and so terrible at the same time that it looked back around in neutral somehow.

Okay, here's another one that I wrote down when I had 15 milligrams of THC. I went to the zoo the other day and I talked to the guy cleaning up the gorilla shit and I said, what's going on here? And he said, this shit is bananas.

Oh, because they've eaten a lot of bananas.

I've got to tell you, I've just been hearing screeches since the Muppet one. I can't hear a goddamn word.

I like that joke. I think that there's a way that you workshop into that joke that it is Gwen Stefani who is cleaning up the real shit.

I like that better, thank you. And this is, I forgot to mention, this is me workshopping future material.

What if the next one was just like a really dark existential thought that he had when he was high? They've all been jokes, but that doesn't mean they all will be jokes.

Like the one where he was like, how are there still trees?

Humans don't deserve trees anymore.

I truly freaked out. And the last one is, can a mom ever love me? No, the last one, here's the last one. This is the one that I wrote at the pinnacle of me being my most stoned. Gotcha, yeah. Pino noir? Sounds like something Pat Sajak says.

Okay, so not noir, like the style, like no R, like... So it's like somebody's guessing on Wheel of Fortune and I say P and Pat Sajak just P, no, R, no R.

I think that you have to have so much in your life be lined up in order to understand that joke right away. I think you have to be like older. I think you have to have had like a certain experience.

I gotta say this segment makes me want to take more edibles.

Now, I will say that that has a place somewhere. You just have to find the perfect place to slot that in, right? What you're looking for is the intersection between watching Wheel of Fortune and drinking wine where that would make sense. So maybe a scene from the movie Sideways where they just stop to watch a little Wheel of Fortune. That could go in there.

Adal, you know what?

Let me just quickly get high and then I'll feel like I'm on the same... I would appreciate any camaraderie because I'm feeling a little exposed.

And I'm back, and the only thing I came up with is a Muppet giving a blowjob is somehow a handjob and fisting at the same time.

Sucks to hear my joke improved upon me.

And that was Adal Rif. But now I'm high and I don't know what to do. Adal! Adal, we don't deserve trees! Humans don't deserve trees anymore, Adal. They were a gift and we don't deserve them.

Honestly, think of all the buildings in the world. Think of all the glass. Think of all the cars. Think of all the objects we own. Every human owns probably 50,000 objects, right? Honestly, go around your abode and count them. How do we still have resources left? How do we still have no twins? How do we still have oceans? My treasures! How does sand turn into glass? Huh? Sit down with me and walk me through that, buddy. How does sand get turned into glass? Unbelievable. You can't see through sand.

Okay, so I'm thinking like Beck is a vegan and something with like grapes and a wrap. And like John Stein Beck with grapes and a wrap. I haven't done drugs in a long time, guys. Apologies. So this is, I'm trying my best.

Hey, thank you for apologizing.

Well let's take a break from America's least favorite segment and let's do another- I enjoyed that!

That was my favorite segment you've ever done and I wish it was longer.

Oh that sucks to hear because I put little to no effort into that.

Okay, being that high and that scared does take effort, buddy.

And I think you're doing great. Well, in truth, Adal, our favorite segment that you ever did was just the intro to the segment, Animal Parade. We both really enjoyed that.

Can I tell that story really quick? I just want to set the record straight on that.

Let's rehash. Okay, you can rehash anything that happened in the last three years. I love this.

This is your time. This is great. This is what I want to rehash, okay? Before we recorded that episode, Adal said, I'm going to introduce a couple new segments, or a new segment. All I ask is that you go along with it, and you're enthusiastic about it.

And you're enthusiastic. And the reason I said that is because sometimes I introduce segments, or I introduce Puzbot as a character, and immediately we hate him.

Notice Adal, before this recording you forgot to tell us about your Adal brain, and how do we react the wrong way?

Erin? As I was saying, sometimes I yell about Puzzbot and sometimes around episode 60 you guys don't let me speak. And this is sort of how it goes on Hey Riddle Riddle. So this is my bone I need to pick. Adal says, have a good attitude. And I said, I love that. I can do that. He sets up instructions on for what we're supposed to do. Like a dolphin with a hand grenade and we do the whole thing and we love it with no sense that there's going to be something after it and he got so pissed that we loved it because we had no and then we were like oh can we do it again and you were like this sucks.

That's not the segment yet.

That's not the segment and we were like how are we to know? Give us a little credit for the enthusiasm we brought to the table.

Because as you can see, a segment could be anything. It could be anything.

We were so happy and so happy for you, for us. Thank you. And you were like, that's not the segment. And we were like, we opened it. We loved it. We loved it.

I'm sorry for playing the role of King Fresh and bringing in all these exciting new ideas. Okay, hold on.

I want to know, I want to enter this into the record because this is a chat from Casey while we're recording that just says, I was just as surprised that wasn't the full segment.

Everyone thought that was the full segment. King Fresh should be the spokesperson for Febreze. Well, JPC Adal, who has the bone to pick?

Hi Riddle. We're going to do an Animal Parade. And this is the new version of Animal Parade, which is just the intro, nothing else. Oh, I love it. But this is the all-leather edition. This is our third anniversary, which is the leather anniversary. So it's the all-leather edition. So here we go. I'll start us off. Why don't we go myself, and then Erin, and then JPC, and then back to myself. Okay, here we go. Let's get started with the dut-dut-duts.

Just a point of clarification, Adal, do you mind just doing the dut-dut-duts because it's hard to sync that with all three of us on the Zoom?

Absolutely, so here we go. A duck with a zipper mask.

A rat with a handbag.

A bovine with a slipped disc. A walrus who won't be kink-shamed. A butterfly with a whip. A caterpillar with the ball gag. A clamu wants you to step on his neck.

A shark who's gonna step in his neck.

A seahorse in a sex swing. A dog named Kincaid.

Animal Parade!

End of segment. Wow, what a great segment.

People love that segment.

Perfect as is.

No one wants to rehash anything else because I feel like it's just because you guys don't remember recording anything from the show.

I have a rehash. I have a rehash and my rehash is?

I'm laughing because I'm right.

We had an episode a few weeks ago, I would say, not too long ago, probably a couple of months ago, where we all read a riddle that was the basis of, I believe, one of our more famous bits on the show. And I don't think any one of us remembered that that was... It was a repeat riddle, and none of us remembered that it was the basis of what that bit was. I'm dying here because I don't now remember what that bit was.

And now, I was going to say, I was like, why aren't you saying? Do you already forget?

I don't know the bit, I just don't.

Do you remember the riddle?

It was the saffron riddle, where the person was stealing saffron, and we did it with a different spice that was not saffron, and then there was a bit that we did based on that. Hey, don't tell me. I'll just forget it again.

Let me get this straight. You're scolding us for not remembering something and you can't remember what this scold us about.

I was scolding myself because that's where I feel more comfortable. Erin feels way more comfortable directing at Adal. That's totally fine. That's your journey.

That's great. I love that for you. If I take too close of a look at myself, I won't like what I see. Okay.

I've decided one that's very hard to remember Riddles. I'm sure we've done a ton. Thank you listeners for not pointing them out. Hopefully we haven't got through all our emails, so maybe you have. I have a bone to pick.

Yes.

With the two of you. Somewhat recently, within the last year, I introduced a segment called Adal Brained. When I was high and I wrote these down, they were hilarious. I couldn't stop giggling.

If he has a card, it gets revoked.

Adal, your brain's a little laugh factory, my man. And you're the foreman. And I wrote these down and I chuckled to myself and I said, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to share these with my friends. And then I thought, why not share them with my friends?

Pretty unfair wages at the laugh factory.

Hey Adal, I loved it. Listen up, buddy. We got to get you a Twitter account.

We gotta get you a Twitter account because that's where these belong. I have a Twitter account, but these are not funny enough for Twitter.

Yes they are! Adal, okay Adal, I loved our 420 episode where we wrote Riddles high. That was so fun. Your high brain is great. It's also why I love texting at you at like three in the morning on like a random week night because you're going to say the funniest shit I've ever heard.

I'm up. Here's what I'll say. I've tried Twitter and I'll put out what I think is a funny joke and it'll get two likes and one retweet, a quote retweet that's like, look at this fucking loser. But then some teen will tweet like, hey, I just out pizzaed the hut. I'm shaking. And they'll get 500,000 retweets.

Yeah, it's not fair. It's for the teens. Can I tell you guys?

I'm sorry. That made me laugh.

I just helped beat you to the hut. I'm shaking. Now I have to tweet that.

While we're all talking about things... If you tweet it quickly and I will retweet it.

If you tweet anything and then afterwards say, I'm shaking, it's 500 likes minimum. Guaranteed.

There's a tweet that's been sitting in my drafts. I don't tweet much, but this is a tweet that has been sitting in my drafts. I think it's funny. I don't think it translates. I actually don't think it's funny. I'll go on a limb. I think it's a funny thought, but I don't think it translates. And the tweet is as follows. It's been sitting in my draft, I want to say, maybe two years. And it takes a big sip of Topo Chico.

I thought this would be more Topo Chico.

But I don't know how to do that little hand spin on Twitter. Because you need the hand spin.

Oh, I love it.

I thought this would be more Topo Chico. Wait, Twitter, the next step in Twitter is to add gesticulations. So that you can do like a, you're not eating, or like chef kit, like there needs to be gesticulations.

Yeah, is there like a little gif of someone doing that? Because I can film you right now, turn it into a gif.

But the gif would go post tweet, right?

Yeah, the gif would go post tweet. There is the only gift that comes to mind that I've seen recently, not really a gift, but there was like a 10 second video of the Italian soccer team like backstage all talking to each other and every single one of them is just like talking with their hands, like throwing their hands everywhere.

I saw that. It's so funny. So funny. Well, speaking of so funny, what a goddamn delight to do our third anniversary episode. And honestly, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, Erin, when you introduced this rehash segment. So thank you so much for the rehash.

Yeah my, what I actually want to rehash is how much I enjoy the show. I really want to just yell at you guys about how much I've enjoyed this and how it's been a real bright spot and something that is so consistently funny in my life is such a blessing and sometimes I don't think I deserve it. I have some imposter syndrome in deserving something so beautiful in my own life. I think that this is a dream so Thank you.

Oh, nice. Listen up you twin fucks. I love you, and I'm happy to be doing this together, and I hope we get to keep doing it.

J.B.C. Anything? Yeah, sure. These last three years have been some of the happiest years of my entire life. Is that something, tough guy? The show's a joy.

The show's enjoying it. I'm so glad people enjoy it. Fuck you too. Fuck the listeners. Fuck Casey. Fuck Artie Perk.

Fuck Emily Cardemas. Oh, there. All these people. So nice. So talented.

Everyone who's helped us along the way. All our guests. Sandy, everyone. Everyone. Pat Coan. Everyone who's helped us ever, and all our guests ever.

Well, I mean, you know, I think that us yelling at our fans and each other sums it up pretty nicely. So I gotta ask. Yeah. I gotta ask. Do you have anything to plug?

I have nothing to plug!

Oh, classic. Classic. I know we already mentioned it up top, but go check out the new stuff that we have on the Patreon. We're really excited about our Riddle City High-esque new chapters that we're putting out on the Patreon.

They're going to be a ton of fun. Going to be a lot of fun. Oh, so fun. I actually do have something to plug. I want to plug my appearance recently on the Bill Buds podcast. We reviewed the album Rocking the Submers by Ben Folds. I know I mentioned this last week, but hey, you've had a week to listen to it. Now's your time to listen to it again. Also, the third season of Magic Tavern is wrapping up right now. So listen to the final episodes of our third season before we take a break and then start a new season. And then also I want to give a shout out to my sister, Sadia Rifai, who's so funny and so talented. And I'd say check out our podcast that we did together a few years ago called Siblings Peculare, pronounced peculiar. I'm sorry spelled peculiar, pronounced peculiar. And J.P.C. and Erin were both on episodes, and if nothing else, give a listen for those two and for my amazing sister, Sudia. And just to plug it even further, I don't remember what I did on that episode. You were, I think, a demon hunter? Cool! Erin, every three years, the stars align. And how to do this? I forgot what I was doing.

Jupiter! You don't have to. I won't make you. You don't have to just think. You gotta lean on to do anything. I'll just say it.

Thank you, Erin. Bye forever.

And because it's our third anniversary, I thought I would now add an additional thing that I see at the end of the podcast episode. So from now on... Hold on, hold on.

Let's do it in order. So, Erin? Okay.

Jupiter!

Bye forever. Waka Waka, kids!

It's fully gone, though. I love it.

Don't worry, I won't be doing that.

Aaron, what was your idea to kick off the shoe?

No, you do it. It's an anniversary special. It's my anniversary, and I don't have to plan everything, Adal. Could you do something for once? You open the show, please. I brought you breakfast in bed. I did this whole thing for both of you, and now you can't come in here and start helping put the show. Great.

Penelope's crying now. Are you happy?

Who's Penelope? The woman I'm sleeping with.

What is this? My college acapella group? Full disclosure, it's Treble in Paradise. Casey, put this at the end of the episode. Hey there favorites and moments. If you liked that, you are gonna love this week's Patreon. We rewind the clock and do a review game where we talk about our old episodes and who said what! You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.