Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Yes, welcome to my catacomb. I've lured you down here to show you that vampires do not sleep in caskets. Caskets are so stiff, so confining, and they're upright. I, like all the vampires I know, sleep on a helix matri-

No way, me too. Oh my gosh, another reason why I'm just like vampires.

What? Are you serious?

Yes, I've been sleeping on one for like six and a half weeks and I'm serious when I say my sleep has improved like a hundred percent. It is the most comfortable mattress I have ever slept on. Right, thank you guys, it's a vampire.

And Helix knows that everyone is unique, even though you two have the exact same skin tone.

I can say it, GPC, I can say I look like a pale, pale vampire.

So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, firm mattresses. Mattresses are great for cooling you down if you sleep hot or a Helix sleep plus mattress for those plus size folks.

Bleh, I sleep cold and huh?

I don't think you're allowed to be excited.

Don't do that. I'm joking, of course you can do it. I want to let you know that I also have a library of magazines that people like to read. And in those magazines, almost all of them, Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired magazine and Vampire Weekly.

That is the best news and here's some even better news. They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will.

Yes, 100 nights.

Did I mention I'm a day sleeper? Helix has a mattress for that. So just go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle, take their two-minute sleep quiz and they will match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Take it away, vampire.

For me, it's the best sleep of my afterlife. Helix is offering up to $200 of all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash Riddle. You want to buy this mattress? You're getting Helix. You're getting a Helix.

Do you like garlic?

Uh, on pizza?

Oh my god, we're twins!

We're twinsies! Sleepover! Who's doing the regular, Erin? Nose goes. Nose goes. You get a nose job already?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I said make it the same nose. Same nose, but smaller please. Same nose, but upside down please. I want to smell my hair.

I'd rather smell my hair than my stinky breath. Now that I'm thinking about it, upside down nose is way better. That's way better. Smell the sky? Smell before it rains?

I drown immediately. Every time it rains, I just drown. Oh, we're going to finish.

It was the cabbage of an airplane. He stabbed him with the knife and grain.

Wave a dollar, give a holler. Anybody else want in now? Anybody else want in? You there.

$10? $10? $10 on what mouse? Where's the color going to go?

What mouse is going to go in what color? Red Bull? Blue. Blue, you sir, you got anybody else waiting down, anybody else saying we in?

No, no, no, I know this game. This is obviously, this is a con, I know this is a con, I know that I... Yeah, it's a carnival. It's a carnival in Boston. I guess I'll do $50,000 on Green Mouse.

Here we go, everybody else went in now. Here we go. And the mouse goes to yellow. Yellow was the color. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yellow blends with blue to make green. So just give it a second. Give it a second. Give it a second. Come on, come on motherfucker. I'm ruined. I'm fucking ruined. And I'm Adal Rifai.

Did anyone hear me?

Yeah, we heard you.

Okay, cool.

I thought JBC would go next. He's famously second.

I'm $50,000 in the hole. I thought I was going to take a moment to let the weight and the impact of that sink in.

OK, JPC, I'll give you a chance to win all your money back.

Thank you. I'll take it. Double or nothing? Can we do double or nothing, please?

Just give me two letters from my middle name and I'll give you $50,000.

OK, now here's the problem. I have no idea how to spell Onassis.

That is very fun and I like that compliment and I will Venmo you now.

Yes! $100,000 Venmo coming through!

Money is fake. What's up guys?

You know, not much. I was gonna say I was $50,000 in the hole, but just to let everyone know that was a bit. I didn't actually put that money down. I'm good. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. I'm fucking feeling more ready to do riddles than I have in my entire life. Wow.

That's a great attitude.

What has instigated this renewed passion for riddles?

I'll tell you. Me and Mariah both had very long days. We both got home maybe 15 minutes before we started recording. I turned to Mariah and I said, you know what I'm going to do? I think I'm going to have a little espresso. And she said, it's pretty late for that. She said it's pretty late for that. She said, are you sure? And I say, nope, but I'm doing it. And then what I did was I drank a little espresso and now I'm ready for riddles, baby.

OK, he just used a BB gun and shot down at least like 10 hats off of his wall.

That was incredible. And one plane. Yeah. I'm a hat hunter. What can I say? How about everybody else? How's everybody else doing?

Adal, are you caffeinated?

I'm not caffeinated. I've been up for a little while and I'm feeling fine. I'm feeling good. I'm my normal amount of excited for Riddles.

We think the Lady Doth protest at a very level, like monotone, evil, evil deal.

Me think the Lady Doth be apathetic. Erin, you are technically two hours... You're time-traveling. So for JPC and I, it's seven-something. For you, it's five-something.

Isn't that weird?

You're living in the past. So what is the past like and how are you feeling?

Well, I feel like you guys know what the past is like. I'm dying to know about the future. What happens to me at 6 p.m.? Anything?

Erin, I got to ask you a question because my older brother just texted me. How close are you? Do you know how close you are in relation to the Headgum Studio? Do you know what the Headgum Studio is in relation to you?

I have no idea.

Because my brother is in a place, staying in a place that is four blocks away from the Headgum Studio.

Oh, I remember where the old Headgum Studios are, but then they moved.

Yeah, he was like, hey, I'm four blocks away. Have you been there? And I was like, nope, I've actually never been there because that is new in COVID, I think, in the pandemic. So I have no idea where it is either. But my brother's in LA for like five weeks. So he's probably somewhere around here.

What do you want me to do? Just play it cool.

He's roughly a hundred episodes behind, but he is a fan.

Okay. I will tell you something about the future. Later tonight, do not go to that coffee shop in Silver Lake, but when you do, do not order a large frappuccino, but when you do, Don't drop it. For the love of God, don't drop it. But when you do, don't scream, Erin. But when you do, run as fast as you can.

Sorry, Adal, I missed that. I just agreed to a coffee date with a friend after this in Silver Lake. So after the recording, I'm just going to pop over there. And I'll probably scream.

That poor, sweet, sweet girl. Every date that you make on Coffee Meets Bagel, you have to first agree with the other person. Who's the coffee? Who's the bagel?

Yeah, and I think I'm a bagel with a coffee rising.

Ooh. Coffee rising, so there's yeast in the coffee?

There's yeast everywhere.

Coffee bread. Ooh, has anybody made coffee bread? I'm a genius.

Coffee cake is sort of a sneeze away from being bread, I feel like.

Fuck. You know that coffee cake, and I love it. I'm an idiot. You know how banana nut bread will have little pieces of nut? I can just imagine eating bread with little pieces of coffee being in it. It would be like, this is awful. This is inedible. Hey, can I ask you guys a question? So this is something that Mariah and I have been watching like Broad City as kind of our, we've seen it all before, but just like put it on in the background, you know, we're like eating or like doing something else. We're not paying attention to TV kind of thing. Great show, very funny show. Which, are you guys familiar with the show, Broadway?

Yes, I love it.

I've seen it through twice. Perfect. Because the question I'm going to ask you next, if you're not familiar, I'll get no information out of. My question for you, my energy, am I more of an Alana or an Abby? You're an Alana.

Here's the whole thing though. This is a really important question, is you live in the universe of that show. Like, some people are neither of them. But you are so in that world that I feel like on any given moment in different parts of your life and different relationships you have, you're a little bit of both. I'd say maybe in your comedy life in world, you're more of an Alana. No, no. Yeah, you're more of an Alana. And then I think in your personal life, you're more of an Abby.

Okay, that's interesting because I've always considered, always, since I was born, I've considered myself an Alana. I think you're total Alana. I think I'm an Abby all the way down. I would agree. I think that Adal has more Abby vibe, and it's a spectrum, right? We're not saying 100% Abby. Yeah, of course. Erin, I think I would also say that you are a little closer to the Alana side than the Abby side.

I think you're right. I will say though, as soon as Abby had a drunk alter ego and ate her nose ring, I was like, okay.

The mythology changes over the course, you know, but it's about like where that spectrum... Mariah basically said that I had more Abby in me and I was like, where do you fucking get off? Such an Alana thing to say. The gall.

I would say, I don't know. I think Alana is so confident. I feel like I love more of like an apologetic Abby world. Same. Also, I would never like I think I totally don't think Adal is an Alana. You're the most Abby here.

Yeah, I would say. I would never fuck Hannibal Burris, but only because he's a landlord in real life.

Coffee bread exists Adal. I Google it by the way. This is a really good question. This is interesting to think about.

Well, what am I here for, if not to pose really interesting questions? For riddles. Oh, fuck yeah, that's right. For riddles, I have coffee to get so excited about. Yeah, why don't we just do riddles instead?

Yeah, fine. But I'm going to keep thinking about that. And maybe people can answer based on, although you don't really know us. You think you know us, but you don't know us.

Wow. Wait, is there a parasocial aspect to podcasting that I'm not aware of? No. People know us. People know the whole us, right? They know every part of us?

If you've listened to Patreon and this, you probably have a good picture of who I am.

I've had so many people come up to me on the street and they say, Adal, and I say yes. And they go, I'm so sorry. I feel like I know you. I listen to your podcast all the time. Audio is such an intimate format. And I'm like, oh, that's cool. And then I'm like, do you want an autograph or something? And then I see their gun and I'm like, yes, of course. And I give them my phone and my wallet and they say, love the show.

And then you realize it was a mirror. And then you go, I've been talking to my reflection.

Look, I know I am this person on the show, but in my real life, there's nothing I like more cozying down on the couch with a big five gallon tub of horse cum and piss and just going fucking ape shit crazy saying whatever comes to my mind blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Stick to the horse theme, my man. You were right there. I've got a delicate palate. What can I say? I have who I am from Indiana.

I am Old Man Puzzles, and I will start now.

Oh, and let's, unless Erin you wanted to do an election for who will be Old Man Puzzles for the next four years.

Oh my God. I would love to lose that.

Wait, no, no, you go ahead.

There you go. Okay. So, uh, I am doing some listeners submitted riddles cause they're really fun for me. These come from David Nicholas who says we can use their name and that would be cool actually if we use David's name. So that's cool here.

Oh, okay. So wait, I'm sorry, Erin. You said it would be cool if we use David Nicholas's name.

Yeah. So put your sunglasses on and then say it.

Hey, David Nicholas.

Oh, yeah.

In relation to Old Saint.

Oh my God.

I want to introduce myself as David Nicholas, but what career am I giving David Nicholas that I think is like really cool and really like perfect for him? So let's see. Nice to meet you. David Nicholas. House photographer.

Nope.

That was nothing. That was bad.

Hi, I'm David Nicholas. And I teach college classes about the movie Goodfellas.

College class is another movie.

Multiple classes. You mean film studies?

No, no, no.

Just Goodfellas. You gotta slice the garlic real thin. I wonder if everyone's a Goodfellas.

Adal, do you want to try it? Do you want to try? Yeah.

Hey, my name is David Nicholas and I flip pennies To see how many times it's heads and how many times it's tails.

Pretty cool.

That's 80% of a good Jack Nicholas impression too, I think.

Thank you. That's 90%! You're getting better!

Hey, I'm David Nicholas and I'm in charge of moving all the rocks.

Hey, David Nicholas is my name and Cutlery is my game, Riddle by Fork.

Wow.

My name is David Nicholas. Would you like to try some of my new patented coffee bread?

Hey, I'm David Nicholas. I test out the slip and slides.

The name's David Nicholas and yeah, your plane just crashed on my island.

Okay, you win.

Nah, that's him as like a bond villain, basically.

I'm David Nicholas and I own half the world's blimps.

Sorry, half the world's blimpies. And the other half? Luck.

What are we doing?

I don't know. He's cool. He's cool. David, you're cool.

And he submitted these riddles that he found in a game that he thought we might like.

Oh, OK.

And he said he'll write his own riddles at some point, but not today. So here are these warm up riddles. Are you ready?

Yes.

Yes. What force and strength cannot get through, I with my teeth can do.

Rat. Oh, Joey Chestnut. That guy ate like 78 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Oh, yeah. What's his method now? Is he a bun dipper? I think he's always been. I think they're all bun dippers. You have to be, right? Because otherwise you choke on all that bread. Yeah. And I think you eat the hot dogs in one gulp like a goose.

Okay, Adal, I gotta tell you. Stop feeding hot dogs to geese. We've told you before, you've been warned. You gotta stop it. It makes them explode. That's Pop Rocks.

I would love, if I ever own a park one day, which people should own public places like parks, I want to set up a sign that says, don't feed the geese, they will explode.

That would be cool. I want to see a scene. Oh, perfect.

Okay.

The two of you are swans. You're having a meal. And Erin, this is sadly your last meal, as you've been told that sometime tonight or in the next 24 hours, you will explode.

Wee. Hello.

Hello.

I thought I'd glide next to you for a little while. I have to tell you something.

Before you do, just so you know, dinner will be ready in about five, four, three, two, one. Oh, I got the fish. Okay, dinner is ready. It's this fish I grabbed out of the water.

Oh sweetheart, I could not have another bite.

Oh, I mean, what? Did you fill yourself up? We said we were having dinner at whatever, I mean this, we don't really have a concept of time, but we said we were having dinner today.

I know, and I made a mistake something awful. I've done something that's terrible. I fear this will be the last time you and I ever speak.

Gertrude, tell me what's happened.

Well, I'm always hungry. As you know, I'm an animal. I love to eat.

Sure. Swan, yes.

I glided across the water, and I ate a firework. But I was still hungry, and I'll tell you what I did next. I glided across the water and then I saw some fire, and I thought that looks good, and I fear soon they will mean to my stomach.

Gertie, Gertie, no!

It's only a matter of minutes till the fire travels down my esophagus, my long neck, right? Trying to do a picture of swan. Yeah, a long neck.

But we don't have a concept of time, so... A minute could be a moment, could be an hour, could be a day. There's so much I want to say, so much I want to do.

I mean I'm beautiful and that was a beautiful kind of life and I scared lots of small children who tried to get close to me and that was fun. This is the end.

Do you have anything on your swan list that you want to do before you die? Like anything you want to do before you go? I thought at some point I would eat a full duck, but I never caught one.

That's alright.

The swan delight, a full duck. Okay, I mean things that I've wanted to do. I have a full list if you want to maybe borrow some of mine.

I should do something that you want to do in my last couple minutes.

No, I'm just saying if you need ideas, like I want to fuck underwater. I think it'd be cool to do that.

Oh yeah, let's do that. Well, hold on.

That's just the first one on the list.

No, I want to do that.

Well, I've got some other good ones too. I want to eat a kid's finger.

Doesn't matter.

I want to bite a kid's finger right off. That would be fun.

I don't know the first. Oh, here comes a duck.

Hello. Oh no. I'm in her beak.

I'm sliding down her long... Wait, hold on. I'm trying to picture a duck. No, picture a goose.

Fuck. I don't want you in there anymore. You're disgusting.

Bye. Long way. Long way for that duck to go. I guess I'll be jerking off underwater.

See, that was sad.

What's good for the goose is good for the gambit.

Okay, you know that I'm in a weird mood when you said that and I went, that's so sad. Oh no. He's alone.

Dinner will be ready in five, four, three, two, one and then later being like, we have no concept of time. So in my head that 5-4-3-2-1 took like eight hours for you to catch a fish.

That was several days.

I'm playing to the height of my animal intelligence.

What force and strength cannot get through? I with my teeth can do.

What force and strength cannot do? So is this like where you can't get in and so you have to sweet talk them instead? So you're using like your mouth to be like Instead of like, I can't, you know, bash down this door. And so I'm like, honey, I'm sorry. Will you please let me in?

With a big old smile, you flash them, you flash them bones. My pearly Wendy gets, it's not that.

No, I wouldn't say it's like teeth. It's not teeth. It's like teeth, but it's not teeth.

Can you repeat the question, Your Honor?

What force and strength cannot get through, I with my teeth can do.

Is it a key? Keys have teeth.

There you go.

I was right there. I was right there.

I can fall from great heights and live, but submerged in water I die.

Postal service. Postal service tape.

I'm thinking it's a sign. No.

I swallowed a duck hole and then exploded from the firework inside.

Sorry guys, I was just, that's the real song and I was just playing it. I shouldn't have done that. That was definitely a good song.

That's so unprofessional and we're not allowed to play that on the podcast. So Casey, go ahead and edit in us doing bullshit lyrics and stuff.

Edit us in. Just screaming Ben Gibbard. Is that his name? Ben Gibbard? It is Ben Gibbard. Show me Ben Gibbard.

I am Ben Gibbard and I'm in charge of testing the slip and slides. Doesn't work as well.

I was married to Zoe Deschanel.

You know a lot about celebrity culture.

I know a lot about Ben Gibbard culture. How many flannels does he own? I feel like the drapes in his house are flannel. And they're always close. They're flannel shirts though. Yeah, they're flannel shirts. I was a big Death Cab guy.

I love Death Cab. I can fall from great heights and live, but submerged in water, I die.

Paper.

Yup. Wow. Did you feel anything when you got that right, Adal, be honest? Did you feel anything?

Honestly, I lost confidence.

I felt you feel nothing. There was no dopamine hit. There was no like, I got it. Like I, that was, we are so desensitized to riddles. You guys, we need to have a reset.

This is like, I feel great. This is like when you're a pirate and you find treasure and you're like, yay, like more treasure. But you've already, you've already found so much treasure that you're just, no. I want to see a scene. No, I called for this. What? You called for a scene? Yeah, and everyone just barreled right past me.

Arm wrestle. Arm wrestle. Go ahead. You go and then we'll do Adal's scene.

OK, thank you. I want to see a scene. Adal and Erin, you guys are stranded on a desert island, but you have a pen and a paper, but no bottle. So you're just trying to think about how you're going to get this message to whoever you're trying to send it to.

Okay, and I want to see, this is a scene within a scene. Okay.

Wait, no, don't. This is a scene within a scene. No, I'm not doing it. Let's do each them separately.

Hold on, Erin. Are you afraid of the fucking challenge?

All right, then I'm going to do a scene inside Adal's scene, and then I want you to add a scene inside that scene, and then we'll do it.

Well, you made it a mess. No.

I don't think I did.

I had one layer. I'm game. I'm game to add three layers, you guys. Well, you don't know about me. Espresso is basically a full cup of coffee condensed into one little... Adal, JPC's gonna crash in six minutes.

He's gonna be sound asleep in six minutes. Alright Adal, what's your scene inside the scene?

My scene inside the scene is JPC, Erin and I, our whole scene, is taking place in your head because you're a nighttime security officer for Macy's and you fell asleep on the job. Okay. This is an easy one because I'm asleep.

So I can execute this either.

So my GBC will start with you and then we'll go inside your head.

I'm thinking I'm so bored. Guarding this Macy's overnight. I wish someone would come in and kill me.

It takes up. Okay so we have pen and paper but we don't have a bottle. So my plan Elizabeth is we write a message, we make one of my world famous paper airplanes, and then we throw it as hard as we can trusting the wind will catch it and carry it to some other island.

I love that idea. I love it. What if we play tic-tac-toe and give up?

Okay, okay. Interesting. Well, we're just spitballing.

Yeah, this is like no bad ideas, no bad ideas.

No bad ideas. Oh, how about, you know how when we first got here, there was that monkey that tried to kill us, but we killed it?

Yeah.

Here's what we do. We cut open its stomach, right? We clean out its tummy, dry it out, let it dry out. We hide the paper inside its tummy rolled up. Then we sew closed tummy. We sew up the cuts we've made. We put the monkey in the ocean, but we breathe our breath into it so it's like a balloon. It won't sink. So then somebody finds this big ass balloon monkey and you know a kid's like balloon monkey daddy I want to pop it. So they pop it and then our our note comes flying out.

Okay. I love that idea. That's awesome. I love how intricate that is. Or I blow my nose using the paper and we give up.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, interesting, interesting, interesting. Um, a lot of your ideas seem to be, and I'm not judging. I know this.

No, no, of course.

No, this is like, yeah, we said as, as we're slowly starving, we said to each other, there are no dumb ideas.

It's a think tank. This is great.

And I can't help but notice that you've already eaten all your fingers and toes.

Absolutely.

And we still have food left. So I'm just curious what switch has turned for you mentally that you are just, because we've only been here, let's see here, four hours. So it feels like you have just given up as soon as we crashed.

Oh yeah, totally. Here's where I'm coming from. So I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. Didn't have a lot of sunshine and sort of got here. Yes. Sort of got here and then was like, oh, this sun is so nice. I could stay here for a while. Like I can see myself living here. So my whole thing has been like, probably should give up. And so I, like when that boat came by and they're like, do you guys need anything? Well, you're going to the bathroom. And I was like, um, and then I paused and I thought about it for a second. I said, no, we're good. And they go, okay. And then they drove away. Fuck. But I have really good news for you.

Yeah?

We're inside a dude's brain.

What? Welcome to Macy's. Can I take your pants size?

See you. I love how when you go to Macy's to get pants, I love how the nighttime security officer always asks for your pants size. It's a little quirk they have that makes me shop there more than any other place.

Yeah, that's why I have loyalty to Macy's.

You miss it with the online experience because it's not the same. Welcome to Good Burger. Can I get you pants size? Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Gonna get your pants nice.

Here we go.

Yes. Yes.

Alive without breath, cold as death. Never thirsty, always drinking.

Miller Lite. There you go. Is this one of those birds, one of those perpetual motion machine birds?

Oh yeah. It keeps coming back for hours.

That's a good guess. That's a really good guess.

God, I love those things. So great. Alive without breath. Like in The Simpsons.

Cold as death, never thirsty, always drinking.

Never thirsty, always drinking, alive but without breath. Is this like a river or something? This has got to be like a freaking river.

You're kind of on the right track.

I'm still thinking about that little bird who dips its little beak and then it goes up and it dips its little beak and then it goes up. Man, I love those things. God, how do I get one of those?

I want one of those so bad. I used to have a Newton's cradle and that was like, that was thrilling for maybe two days. And then I was like, I want something else. And then I got one of those pin boards where you put your hand in it.

Oh, those are really nice.

And I would do it over my face or something and I was like, this is the coolest thing in the world. And it was for maybe two days and then I got bored. I feel like, what is it, Radio Shack or a Sharper Image. Sharper Image sold me so much shit that I didn't need as a kid.

Dude, Sharper Image though, that, what a weird cool vibe that we all loved.

Yeah, oh yeah. Did you ever have one of those like infinity goop things that was like a goop cylinder and like the outside was the same as the inside so as you like ran it up and down your hands it would like fall through and like I'd buy those at they had it at Kosai which is a museum I grew up in Ohio and they call them water snakes.

Can't take stuff from the museum.

There could be little like sparkles in it and like oh man those were those were nice.

Or rain sticks remember rain sticks?

Sorry, we fast forward and we're, Adal talked for 17 minutes, so we just, we're fast forward and we're wound a little fast forward.

So, Erin, is the answer infinity goop, rain stick, puzzle cube, or sharper image, anything?

No, but I would love, I wish I could go into a sharper image right now. That sounds like the most fun ever.

They can't exist anymore, right?

I don't think so.

Go ahead, Adal. I want to say a scene. JPC, you are the owner and employee of the only last Sharper image, trying to keep up with the times and all the technology. And Erin, you have just stumbled upon it and you are thrilled beyond belief in trying to recapture some of your childhood memories.

Oh boy, a customer. Hey, welcome, welcome. Come on in. Welcome to Sharper Image.

Whoa, no way. Is this a joke? Oh my god! Sir, you're covered in spiderwebs.

And so I was just doing inventory. We've got hundreds of spiders. No, please, please welcome in. My name is Beef. I'm the assistant manager here.

Is this a Halloween store? This looks like no one's come in here in like a decade.

Well it's been a minute and Old Beef doesn't really keep the store as pristine as they used to back in the corporate days when they had mandated special rules for that because now it's all it's just it's just beef sharper image. So can I interest you in an RC car maybe?

Remote controlled car all the rage. Beef while you're talking to me you're like picking up like sort of plates and cups. Have you been living here?

Now I wouldn't call what I've been doing in here living. More like just getting by.

Please, please, you know, everything in the store is on sale.

And we take cash, a car, we take store credit, we take it all.

Cool. I guess I'll try out this massage chair. It looks kind of...

Okay, hold on now. Now we don't have a massage chair. This is Old Beef's robot wife. It gets pretty lonely in here, so don't worry about Veronica. She's put her out of your mind. In fact, let's move. Wow, can I interest you in a lava lamp? Who doesn't love a nice lava lamp?

I haven't seen that in a long time. Why did your eyes get really big when I started using my phone? This is just an iPhone. This is like one of the biggest model of an iPhone. Just my cell phone.

It's like a Motorola Razr?

What?

Is that like a Krazr?

Beef.

It's an iPhone.

Beef, you have a pink Razr phone still.

What day is it today?

It's like August 5th, like 2021.

2021? I should have asked what year it was.

Same.

I'm worried about beef. Let's get beef out of there.

Which brings us back to the best question you can always ask when entering a building is, what year is it? And then when they answer you say, then there's still time. Then there's still time.

Let's get through these last two riddles because there's other stuff I want to get to after the break.

Perfect.

Alive without breath, cold as death, never thirsty, always drinking.

Alive without breath. Who sang that song? I feel so alive for the very first time. Was that P-O-D? No. I can't remember. P-O-D or Hoobastank? Is it P-O-D? Is it P-O-D or is it Hoobastank? Erin walked away from her setup. Erin's been on her own life.

I don't know. I don't know the answer to that.

Alive without breathing. So would this be a tree? Alive without breath. No, trees breathe. Alive without breath.

Never thirsty, always drinking.

Oh, is this one of those, what are those little bears called? Metachlorian. What are those little frozen bears called?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Tarragon. Tarragon. What are those called? I don't know what they're called but I know what you're saying. They're little tiny tiny tiny frozen bears.

We love those bears. In this house we love those little bears. We stand them. Is it those little bears?

It's not. Is it like a waterfall, Erin?

Like a cave or something like that? It's an animal.

Oh it's an animal and it's a cold animal?

Yeah.

Is it a snake?

No.

Is it a fossil? Snakes breathe, don't they?

Yeah. Yeah. What's something that maybe gets oxygen different way?

Oh, like a fish.

There you go. Is it a fish? There you go. It's a fish.

The answer is a fish.

Gentle enough to soothe the skin, strong enough to break stone.

Charmin.

Dude, we gotta get you a job in advertising. Because I think you could destroy it from the inside out.

Bring down the whole thing, bring down the whole advertising complex.

I really think we got to send you into a big company and then just have you.

I think advertising is truly the thing that's keeping it all floating. And they've sent me into a big company before and what they did was they made me middle management. So don't do that. This is a wrong path for me. Middle management?

I would say my role on this show is middle management.

Yeah. I like that, Erin. I like that.

I think Adal is the CEO. I think JPC doesn't work here.

I think that what I do is the opposite of riddle management. Riddle chaos. I also riddle chaos.

And I love that Jimmy World song, The Riddle. So good.

It just takes some time, question mark, question mark, question mark.

Gotta solve a riddle but don't want to. So this one, what was this one? This was something about little bears? I think we did this one right?

No, you guys are.

What was this last one? Please Erin, tell us what we guys are. Erin, give it to us straight. What's the rule? How long do we have? Don't pull any punches.

Gentle enough to soothe the skin, strong enough to break stone.

Lotion.

No. Is this water? Because water breaks stone. Yes, yes, I'm so good at these warm up riddles that are for children and kids.

Thank you so much, David Nicholas. We really appreciate it. We think it's really cool that you have a really cool name, and we think it's cool that we said it.

The name's David Nicholas, FBI. And yes, that stands for Female Body Inspector.

Oh, no.

Sorry, he's cool as hell.

Speak to Nicole Hill. Oh Adal, I was gonna say. I was gonna ask if you had a transition into the break based on what JPC said or we could give you some like end of like the first half of the episode lines and then give me a line I'll see how I can finagle it. And that's how you make coffee bread.

Speaking of coffee bread, I am caffeinated for these ca- uh, give me another one.

Okay, alright, I'm tipsy, go ahead.

Hey, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Uh, that's an old expression, and speaking of espresso, try my new coffee bread.

Okay, yeah, that transition goes to the pr- okay. Did I answer it?

No, no, I'm gonna give you another transition to break.

Okay, okay.

Uh, over here at Adal Riddle, we love candy bars, and our favorite is a KitKat.

Speaking of KitKats, let's all purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr JPC, Erin Keif. Yes, you woke us up. Don't be alarmed. I'm in your head right now. I am Professor X's younger brother. More talented, more handsome.

My name is Stock X. Seems like you have to say it.

Then it's not. Okay, well, sure. I'm not trying to alarm you because I'm able to project my, I think it's called telekinesis, I think is my power. Yeah, sure. Why not? But I am Stock X. Surely you've heard of me.

Yeah, of course.

Wait, StockX, that's the live marketplace for what's now and next, right? That's correct.

That's where I go to look for the latest sneakers, apparel, electronics, collectibles, trading cards. That's where I go.

That's wonderful. You all come to me. I am a sentient marketplace.

Okay, and StockX, everything on there is brand new and 100% verified authentic, right? And if I wanted to verify you as authentic, I would just open up any X-Men comic you'd be mentioned in there, right? Yes. Okay. That's right. Maybe the early Jim Lee ones. Can I ask you a question? Yes. So I know with StockX, you have the power to shop millions of hard to find or sold out products and discover their true market value. What are your powers exactly?

My powers are selling the coolest hippest fun things and also telekinesis. Hey, speaking of telekinesis, I'm able to see inside your audio producer Casey Tony's head and I know for a fact, an absolute fact, that he is dying to get his hands on a pair of Nike Dunk Low Easter candy. They're sort of like Easter color Nikes. They're beautiful. He wants a pair.

Okay, I'm on his Twitter right now and he tweeted about that, so you may have just read that directly from his Twitter. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough.

Well, I do have powers. I do have marketplace powers.

Okay. So is one of your powers like maybe downloading an app or signing up online to start buying and selling in a few easy clicks? Absolutely.

So I guess the powers are all the things you mentioned and maybe I don't have telekinesis. Okay. Maybe I'm just hiding behind your lampshade, talking to you. I'm not really in your head.

I'm looking it up in the comic just to make sure.

Is he in there?

So far, no.

Yeah, I didn't expect that we'd find him. Well, if I wasn't a comic book character, would I have a call to action? No, I guess, yeah, that would prove definitively that you are a comic book character.

I'm sorry, I don't have my glasses. Can you read it?

So if you want to find what's now and what's next, start shopping at StockX.com. That's StockTheLetterX.com. Access the now.

And tell Charles he owes me money for the shoes he bought.

Oh, I found him in here.

No, he dies.

Oh, wow.

Well, yee-haw! Honey, it's me again, the self-care cowboy!

Self-care cowboy! Yeah, we remember you!

Why don't you rowdy folks have a seat on this log here around my fire so I can tell you about something I've been thinking about.

What is it?

Please tell us, self-care cowboy. You know how sometimes when you lay yourself down for bed for the night and the stars are twinkling above you and you want to sleep and you want to be calm and relaxed but it feels like there's a hundred wild horses running around in your head? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Why the strange smiles?

No, we aren't with you.

We're just so happy to be here, self-care cowboy. Well, I want to tell you about something I discovered out here on the range. I actually dug up a copy of it myself. It's called Headspace. You heard of this?

Yeah, Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app.

Yeah, Headspace is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits, 600,000 five-star reviews, and over 60 million downloads. I listen to it to fall asleep every night.

Hey Riddle.

And slowing down to do these ads, Self Care Cowboy is going to add a lot of time to your trip. By Wednesday you said? It's Wednesday today! Well I have a private jet that I fly the cattle on. Actually the more details I learn about you, Self Care Cowboy, the less I like you. So maybe just go back to the Roman horses in my head stuff.

Well, I do like you and you deserve to feel happier and Headspace is meditation made simple. Go to Headspace.com slash Riddle. That's Headspace.com slash Riddle for a free one month trial. Yeah! With access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now and it's got my personal self-care cowboy brand on it. Head to Headspace.com slash Riddle today!

That's so generous, self-care cowboy. You better go soon because it's like late and it's Wednesday.

I'm rich. I'll figure it out.

Self-care cowboy. Hey Adal.

Hey Erin. I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Wow. How many years of this?

You know, I told you guys in confidence that I was worried about my, you know, receding hairline and that that hair loss might be an issue for me and that I'm interested in some hair loss prevention. Yeah. I thought you were just making fun of my hair. No. Well, I mean, you guys told me, go see these two creeps and these two creeps, they touched my head with their super long fingers and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

JPC, you are a terrible listener and you prove that every time we do one of these things. We told you to go to Keeps. Keeps.com. We told you to go to Keeps.com.

Yeah, remember JPC? It was over coffee and I told you how Keeps offers a simple, stress-free way to keep your hair. Remember? Not like in a bag under your bed, but keep your hair on your head.

Yeah, these creeps definitely had a bag of hair under their bed. So, Keeps is the convenient virtual doctor consultations and medications delivered straight to your door every three months. You don't even have to leave your home. And Creeps insists that you stay home and they're going to be there the whole time.

Exactly. And unlike Creeps, it's low cost. Treatments start at just $10 per month and Keeps offers generic versions.

Yeah and unlike Creeps who are going to shut your business off the rooftops, Keeps has discreet packaging and proven results. I don't know if you know this JPC, but with hair loss prevention is key. Treatments can take 4-6 months to see results, so act fast.

Take action and prevent hair loss. Go to Keeps, K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash riddle to get your first month free. Keeps dot com slash riddle. And for the love of everything that is holy, stay away from those creeps with that bag full of hair under their bed.

Wait, do you have their number? I'm just curious.

I don't have their number. They have my number. That's why they made sure to say that to me.

Keeps over creeps every day. I don't think I ever break KitKats when I eat them.

Really? Break you off a piece in that KitKat bar.

You gotta go- You don't break the sticks?

You don't separate the sticks?

You just bite into the bar like a fucking psycho? The commercial gives directions and it says break you off a piece. That implies it's sharing. Casey said what the fuck? So if I share I'll break off a piece, but if I'm eating alone, I just chomp into that bar.

Okay, welcome back from the break. We have been discussing... Alright, we're kind of in a mess. This is a... We're out of 10 right now. Adal is saying he doesn't break off the little pieces of his KitKat bar.

This is insanity. You just bite into a full KitKat bar with grooves and all and... Yeah.

Those grooves are little troughs for my saliva when I get all worked up for the chocolate. Those grooves help gather my saliva so it's not running all over the place. But if I break off each individual bar, then I get little chocolate crumbs and those stain my couch or my clothes.

I want to cry. Casey cut this hole.

This is one of the most unreal takes that I've ever heard in my fucking life.

Are you serious Adal? Are you being for real?

If it's a fun size KitKat, I'm talking about only two bars long. Yeah. I will just take a bite out of that. Only two bars long.

What am I, a Beach Boys song? All those songs sound the same? Okay.

Here's the thing.

What?

I don't know why I'm getting so upset because I'm allergic to KitKat bars and I haven't had one in like 20 years.

Yeah, it's been a long time. Just allergic, hold on, allergic to KitKat bars. What could be a KitKat bar that's not in the rest of candy that you're allergic to?

The wheat cookie. The wheat cookie. Oh, okay.

So you just, yeah, in a way that you are allergic to all wheat.

Right.

Got it.

Okay, but the entire point of Kit Kats is breaking it up into the little, that's why they exist.

No, the song says, break you off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. That implies sharing, which I, if I'm sharing, I'll break off a little piece. But if I'm, if I'm going in alone, chomp chomp.

This is as if you told me you ate bread, like you know like the pre-sliced loaves of bread. Yeah, from the side. That's what it feels like Adal. It's like you're telling me you eat a loaf of bread from the side Adal. That's what it feels like you're telling me.

Erin, I ate like a corn on the cob. I want to be with you here. I want to be with you in pointing out what Adal does is unacceptable, irresponsible, and just bad behavior, just morally wrong behavior. But I'm going to take issue with you just saying I'm allergic to KitKat bars because you can say you have a wheat allergy, but you can't just say something as much of a bombshell as I'm allergic to KitKat bars.

Is the statement true that I am allergic to KitKat bars?

I am allergic to KitKat bars. Sounds like you have a specific allergy to KitKat bars, which is something that is unacceptable to say.

Okay, but if someone is allergic to seafood and they say, I'm allergic to clam chowder, you go, whoa, wait. That sounds like you have a specific allergy to clam chowder.

Nope, it doesn't. Well, yeah. It sounds like you can't eat seafood, honestly, because that's a normal thing that exists in a lot. Very rarely would you ever come across a person who's perusing a gas station, you know, candy aisle. And they say, perusing? Snickers, maybe.

Oh, KitKat can't have that. I'm allergic to KitKat. That's like going over to someone's house, and instead of saying, I'm allergic to cats, you say, I'm allergic to Captain Potassium. And then they're like, my new cat? And you say, I'm allergic specifically to Captain Potassium. And then they're like, but not all cats? And you go, yeah, of course, all cats. Why don't you just say that? Because you insulted my little kit cat.

You're trying to get the heat off of you because you eat food weird.

You saw through me like nobody else has. Here's what I'll say. As we hopefully do live shows in the next whatever amount of time, please bring- Will you hit a KitKat bar in front of a live show and everyone will sit silently and we can all just experience it? Please bring me KitKat bars because then between Hey Riddle Riddle and Magic Tavern, I will have a lifetime supply of Snickers and KitKat.

Yeah, and I'm happy for you that you're going to get some freak chocolate from very kind people. Thank you. But, man, that is weird.

At what cost, huh? Yeah. Here's what I'll say, Adal. I will ruin this for you because if you're going to bring Adal a KitKat bar or a Snickers, here's what you do. Take it out of the wrapper at home, put it in a Ziploc plastic bag, and then give it to him because he won't be able to eat it because you've done something weird to it. But you'll still have to fill the part where you give him a KitKat bar. Then you'll have infinite amount of unusable KitKat bars.

Well, let's go a little bit broader. How do you two eat an apple? Because the way I eat it is swallow it whole and then let the doctors do their work.

You see, now I'm like nervous.

How do I eat an apple? I befriend a worm. I got the inside scoop.

Adal, now I'm going like, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Nothing is ever, nothing happens in a vacuum. Do you understand what I'm saying? That's not the only weird thing about you. And now I'm going, do I even know him? What's going on?

So if you, and I know it's hard for you, I know it's hard for you as like a person to consider something that you do to be weird, but like if I saw Adal Rifai to Kit Kat bar, first of all, I'd throw up in my fucking mouth because it's so gross what he's doing. But second of all, I'd say, Hey, that's like a weird food thing that you do. Do you guys know or are aware of any other like weird food things that you, that you do or like weird ways that you eat food?

A lot of times I will put, actually all the times, if I have the ingredients, I will always put French dressing on cottage cheese. Oh, interesting. Because that's what my family does. That's what my grandpa used to do. And so growing up, the only way I would eat cottage cheese is with French dressing on it. And so I don't know if I've ever had cottage cheese without it. And if I would, I'm sure I might find it a little weird or gross. Interesting. Okay.

That's a good answer, but I can see, I can understand why that would taste good. That makes sense to me. I think people are always a little disturbed by how many raw onions I can eat.

What? Do you just chomp into them or do you cut them up or what do you do?

Sometimes if we have a little bit of onion left, I'll just chop it up and I'll just eat it.

Oh, it's like diced. You won't just like Iron Chef yourself bite into the side of a fucking onion. I have.

I would just like tap a little bit up.

I would consider that to be kind of a weird thing.

Oh, and then cucumbers and apple cider vinegar with salt.

Mmm, that sounds actually pretty good. Like a quick pickle?

You pour a bunch of apple cider vinegar in a bowl, you put a bunch of cucumbers in it, and then you get a tiny bit of pink sea salt or just regular sea salt and put it on the cucumber and it's a good snack.

You probably also catch a ton of gnats.

Yeah, and then you also just catch a ton of gnats, and that's really nice. A bunch of guys named gnats end up in your kitchen. They're like, hey.

Nathan, call me Nat.

Hey, what's up? These are pretty good. What's up?

My name's Nathan, but when my hat is backwards, call me Nat.

When I'm eating cereal, I go pour cereal in a bowl and then pour milk on top of cereal, but I don't do a ton of milk. I go way under where you can see the top of the cereal, and then I will just kind of hold the bowl sideways, add it side, and dip the cereal and take a little bit of milk. And then when I'm done, there's always a little bit of milk left over. I like to pretty much even it out. And then I'll take that little leftover milk and pour it into the top of my coffee.

Mmm. Interesting. That last part really threw me for the loop.

Bowls are shaped in a way that I shouldn't have to do that, but I tilt it to the side so I get another mini bowl inside of my bowl that's even more of a bowl.

I feel like maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like some of your cereal is going to be a little too dry.

I try to mix it in the milk, but yeah, it's mostly drier bites.

I don't like a big wet bite of cereal. I pour in milk and then I add cereal after, but I add like two spoonfuls at a time and I just keep the box next to me because I want every bite to be crunchy and tasty with milk on it. But I hate soggy milk because if you put cereal in first and then drench it, if you shower it and bathe it in milk, the first two bites are good. And then after that cereal ruined. It's like I'm meeting you guys for the first time.

I'm not even kidding. This is like really throwing me for a loop. I really thought I knew them.

Erin, you said you had a lot you wanted to get to in the second half.

Yeah, and now I have been emptied. Now I am lost. I'm scared. I feel this has been the most jarring conversation I've had in the studio.

Can we at least agree that when you eat a Snickers, you cut a banana in half lengthwise and put the Snickers in between it like a sandwich and then eat it like that? Can we at least agree that that's the way to eat a Snickers?

I'm not ready for jokes about this.

Wait a second, Adal.

How would I fit both a Snickers and a banana up my ass? What are you insane?

I one time said that while you're watching a movie you should have a cold Snickers bar nearby so you eat popcorn. Adal thought I meant mixing the Snickers into the popcorn and I was like that's insane.

That night I sent her a picture where I had popped kettle corn and then I broke out ice cream Snickers in half and rolled it around in the popcorn and then ate it and I was like pretty good and you're like Adal that's not what I meant.

And then I had to get a new phone because my phone was too cursed.

That's so funny because that's such a moment of vulnerability where you're like, I'm trying this weird thing that a friend recommends. That's not what I want you to do.

But okay, you eat, you have half your popcorn that you make and then you take a little sweet break, you have your Snickers, and then after some time has passed, you go back to your popcorn and it's the perfect snack.

Sounds like that Snickers is gonna melt.

Whatever.

Here's what I do. Here's what I do. Go to any restaurant. Order any entree. Eat just under half of it. Flag the waiter down and say, it's not very good. I think it's overdone. I'd like to send it back. They'll give you another entree. You just ate an entree and a half.

You are a villain.

An entree and a half? They'll say, overdone. Sir, these are raw oysters. I know. I'm surprised too.

So these, I'm gonna just try to move on and discuss myself.

We should at least try to do one riddle in the back half of the episode.

Yeah I'm gonna try.

Okay so these... Let's verbally move on knowing full well that the three of us mentally are still panicked about food. And you please tweet us and tell us or email us your food freakness with hashtag freakfood and let us know what weird thing you do with food.

Oh okay I guess today's gonna be bad. I guess that Wednesday is just going to be a bad day. Okay, Adal, we'll have just a bad day.

It's okay to have a bad day. It's okay. It's fine to have a bad day. I've even had one and he turned out fine.

Okay, so these are from Becklin. Beck sent an email to us and said, Erin's eyes only. And I went, okay, I'm listening. And then Beck, she did this amazing thing where she was like, it's not creepy. I promise. Erin, I promise it's not creepy. I would never do that. It's not creepy. It's really sweet. So Beck Lynn sent such awesome riddles that I absolutely just had had to read them.

Yeah, let's do them. Thank you Beck Lynn. Is Beck Lynn one name or is it like Rebecca Lindsay or something?

Yeah, it's Beck space Lynn, which is cool. Cool name. A bunch of cool names. So these are like actor entertainment world themed riddles.

Okay Hollywood, you've been out there for fucking 15 minutes and here we go. Have you seen a celebrity yet, Erin?

No, I haven't seen any celebrities and it's really starting to tick me off.

Not even Josh Groban?

Not even Josh Groban, not even once! That's weird. I was like, I'll see Groban day one, day two. And I was ready. And now I'm like, now I'm feeling less and less ready to see Josh Groban. I just know he's gonna be at the wrong height. That's the most annoying thing about celebrities is they're always not the height you think they're gonna be and then you're like why?

Erin when you are most ready to see Josh Gropin that is when Josh Gropin will appear.

Oh my god.

People upon meeting me and recognizing me from the show, they do the exact same thing. I don't care who it is. I don't care where it is. They always pinch my cheek and say, too skinny! Too skinny! Manta, you gotta eat! Eat! What are you doing? Eat! You haven't touched your overdone oysters, manja. It's just Italian grandmas. Mostly the only people that I know who listen to the show are Italian grandmas.

We got our demographics back from Headgum and it looks like we have the most listeners in California and specifically with Italian grandmas.

So these are really interesting, the format of them. Okay. And if you have like a pen or paper or like a note app on your phone, you might want to use this.

Nope.

Okay, you don't have to. So I'm going to say a sentence and I'm going to say the word blank.

Okay.

And then you fill in the word for those blanks. Yeah, and it will make one long word altogether or phrase or a name or something.

Got it.

Cool. Make your blank and claim your rank from the window to the blank. Like the captain, do not panic when the ice blank hits the Titanic.

Mark Wahlberg.

I had Bed Wahlberg. Is Bed Wahlberg a thing? Hey, I'm Bed Wahlberg. I'm Donnie and Mark's little brother. Are you trying to fucking sleep on me?

Make me first, asshole.

I got a hot tempur-pedic. Yeah, you got it. I thought it was make your bed, but I guess it's make your mark.

Make your mark and claim your rank from the window to the... Walls. Like the captain do not panic when the ice... Berg. Hits the Titanic.

They must say that Captain lost his shit.

Yeah. Hey Adal. Hey, come on. He did great.

Okay. Okay.

I, the other night, couldn't sleep so I watched a Titanic conspiracy video.

What is a conspiracy?

Uh-oh, Erin.

That's a red flag. That there is two icebergs and not one?

No, that's funny. The conspiracy is that the company that made it They sent out their first boat called like the Gigantic or something and then it kind of like broke down a little bit and then they were trying to collect the insurance money on it so they said they pretended that that boat was the Titanic and then they were like oh it's actually the Titanic knowing that it would sink to collect the insurance money on it so they like let the boat go knowing that it would sink because they wanted to collect the insurance money on it companies have been that evil for that long No, money has always been good. It's just recently that money turned bad.

I thought evil was invented in 1974.

You know how when people hang out and you're like, wow, this is good company. That's what good companies are based off of.

Hanging out, doing good work. Yeah, doing right by each other. Okay, ready?

And what company made the Titanic Spalding?

It was Hershey's. So the Titanic was made out of chocolate.

And you got hundreds of dead in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my hundreds of dead.

As everybody was dying, they kissed each other, right? And that's where we get the Hershey's kiss?

100%. All right, ready? Here we go.

Yes.

The second half of whiskey's name. In Boogie Nights, I found my fame. Built from plaster and city suffix, I was invincible in 2006.

So 2006 Invincible would be Bruce Willis in the movie Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. No. Did you know Bruce Willis played Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?

Uh, shut up. You could convince me of anything right now. I can't stop thinking about you eating a cookie.

Wait, Invincible, Invincible wasn't that, uh, wait. It was on Prime cartoon? No, no, no. Is that the hockey movie? Isn't that, is it Kurt Russell or, um, is that Mark Wahlberg?

Let's go line by line. The second half of whiskey's name. What's the name of a whiskey that has like a two-part name?

Name some whiskeys. Jack Daniels. Jim Beam. Jeff Bridges. It's not Jack Daniels, it's not Jim Beam.

You might have gotten it right already, but in Boogie Nights, I found my fame. Who got famous from Boogie Nights?

Mark Wallman. Oh, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Alfred Molina.

Built from plaster in city suffix. Built from plaster in city suffix.

What's made from plaster? Fucking penis molds.

Walls.

Oh, we're back to walls. Okay.

And then a German suffix for city, castle, or fortress.

Oh, this is new.

Yeah.

So is it Mark Wahlberg?

Yeah. Started Invincible in 2006. Jesus Christ. I promise that's the last Mark Wahlberg one.

Was Invincible the one where he was like the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback? Yes. Was that Invincible?

Yes.

Yeah. Okay. That one was also the answer was Mark Wahlberg.

Perfect.

So I just wanted to go line by line.

There's moments where you didn't say blank, so I was wildly confused.

Yeah, so no, not all of them have a blank in it, but each line is a part of a name. Alright, we're moving past Mark Wahlberg.

I was confused because when she read it, I was like, the answer is Mark Wahlberg, I think. And we just did Mark Wahlberg, so that's why I was confused.

Alright, so this might be easier. We're moving past him. Okay, ready?

GPC 100% is going to be Mark Wahlberg.

Eight siblings has he and another half three. A Calvin Klein model with his own GED. Has his own burger chain that started in mass. Committed several hate crimes. He kind of sucks ass. Father to four and three nipples he had. What a man. What a man. So which man is he? Sorry. Father of four and three nipples had he. What a man. What a man. So which man is he?

So what a man, what a man was en vogue, right? What a mighty good man. What a mighty good man, yep. That's en vogue. Calvin and Klein, that's the little boy and the tiger.

Yes. Pissing on the Chevy truck.

Yeah, and Cline's always getting into trouble and Calvin has to sort of work around all the mayhem that's being caused.

Well, Calvin and Cline, that's Wild Wild West, right? Because... That's right. Yeah, Will Smith's character was named Calvin. Kevin Cline was his counterpart.

Jim West, Desperado.

Yep. Yeah, West, Jim West, Calvin.

Don't step to me if you don't want that. I know Mark Wahlberg had an extra nipple and I know Mark Wahlberg was on billboards for Calvin Klein in the 90s.

I know Mark Wahlberg beat the shit out of an Asian man and I don't remember why he did it and I don't know why he didn't face any repercussions for it.

Just an important note, the answer is Mark Wahlberg. All the answers for Mark Wahlberg. It's important to note, he is one of the most well-paid actors in the world and when asked about his criminal past and what he did, he says, no, I don't have any problems sleeping at night. So that's someone we're rewarding again and again.

Sounds very sorry.

Yeah, pretty good. But sometimes every riddle has the same answer.

A river. A cloud. What was that fucking M. Night Shyamalan movie that he was in?

Oh, the Happening.

I'd have problems sleeping the night if I started the fucking Happening. The Happening sounds like a jazz bar in Greenwich Village in the 50s where it's like you go to see someone do poetry. That should be the Happening.

And you just watch the gentlest documentary on it in Hulu and it's just a woman being like, I met my husband after Happening.

Me and Al Ginsburg saw Bob Dylan before he went electric at The Happening. It feels like it should not be a movie where the villain is Mother Nature and doesn't a man lay down in a lawnmower goes over top of him or something?

Yeah, but really the villain is humans.

Here's what I'll say. I saw The Happening in theaters and five minutes into the movie I stood up and the rest of the whole theater, I'm walking out of here. That's what's happening. And I left the theater. I wish. God, I wish that was my wish.

I fucking wish. Erin isn't there in Jesus Christ Superstar, isn't there a song that's like, what's the buzz? Tell me what's happening. Tell me what's happening.

What did Mark Wahlberg do this fucking movie?

Speaking of what is happening.

Yes.

Adal.

Yes. Do you have anything tip-tipped happening in your life?

Tip tip to happening, anything to plug?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked. I have a few podcasts I want to plug. Some of these I've plugged before, but I think they might have just been released recently, so please check them out. Please check me out on the podcast Good at Parties. I talk about one of my favorite things in the world, soup no more, so please check that out. Also check out the podcast Bullshit Alert, which is a very good time. The podcast Electric Priests. Where I talk with a friend about improv, murder she joked, my episode is out now. I also did an episode of Composer Chronicles where I talked about how enjoyable the music from dark is. And the host was an absolute delight. So please check out all those podcasts. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Only two things to plug. Just a quick reminder that if you sent me a message in the last few months, my Instagram deleted a lot of them and I just resend anything that you sent me if I didn't respond. The other thing I want to plug is if you have a job in LA, you want to give me. I will do anything. I'm fun sometimes. I'm pretty inconsistent, but I'll try really hard. So if you want to hire me, you can. And I would like to ask JPC if he has anything going on.

Yes, I do have something that I would like to plug. And it's the same shit I always plug. Twitch.tv slash Shark Parkman. Or you can follow me on Twitter at JPsofly. But now that I hit 10,000 Twitter followers, I really don't fucking need you to follow me on Twitter. Congratulations. This was months ago. And if you missed the boat, then sorry. You know what? Actually, I'm shutting down all followers. I have all the clout that I need. No new followers. Every new follower will have to submit a formal request to the HRR podcast at gmail.com email. And a cover letter.

And then tell me just something about yourself. Also check out our Patreon. We have, oh, so much tasty, tasty content on Patreon. So please check that out. Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Erin, I do want to say I'm not going to apologize for the way I eat Kit Kats. Famously, Kit Kat is made by a manufacturer called Mars Candy. I don't know if you know this, but before they changed their name to Mars Candy, they were actually another planetary company. Do you remember the name? Hershey's? That's it.

Jupiter?

Bye forever.

Bye!

Hey there scripts and scenes. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a return to JPC's Acting Factory. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.