Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Erin, thanks so much for coming in. Please feel free to either sit down in the chair or lay down on the couch. It's up to you. This is counseling after all. Yeah, eat as much water as you like. Eat as much water as you like.

Hey Adal, JBC. I realize that you two are uncertified and not qualified to be my counselors and I found a better solution.

Better than us dressed up like wizards saying we're counselors?

Yes, way better. Because otherwise I just get stressed out about what I'm going to say when it's just a once a week thing. So you can send a message anytime you want and you'll get a timely and thoughtful response. Plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions if you want those as well.

JPC we can't compete with that.

It took us two and a half weeks to write an email that said, uh... And speaking of reasons why I'm leaving here, you don't have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room when you use better help. It's committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if you need.

Yeah, but can you eat as much water as you want? We offer that!

You guys are weird. And it's also more affordable than traditional, or in your case, not traditional, offline counseling and financial aid is available. And the service is available for clients worldwide.

Wait, JPC, I just looked up their website. It looks like they have professional counselors who are specialized in depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, trauma, anger, family conflicts, LGBT matters, grief, self-esteem. We're ruined. I mean, I don't see magic on the list, but otherwise we're ruined. But we have all of those things.

You guys, you should try BetterHelp because anything you share is confidential, it's convenient, it's professional, it's affordable. And if you don't believe me, you can check out the testimonials posted daily on their site.

Oh no, JPC, we tweet everything Erin tells us.

Adal, in fact, so many people have been using BetterHelp that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states and I got great news, we've been pre-denied.

I want all of our listeners to start living a happier life today and not go to two wizards who give you as much water as you want. You'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. That's BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

JPC, how do you feel about two wizards pizza? I hate it.

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. He was the captain of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife and a knife. And the horse is deep-riding.

This is a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. When she smiled, that whole song is about telling a woman to smile.

365. Would you be surprised if you learned that every song that you liked from the 90s was actually just Christian Rock and you didn't know that and it was just like, and it's like, oh no, that song's about the Lord.

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. That's about Jesus on the cross.

If you want to be my lover, you better get with my friend, my friend Jesus.

Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're on to something. We're on to something.

What is this for? What is this?

This is the opening of the show, Hey Riddle Riddle. So what we've just been doing is kind of welcoming all of our listeners to our show, kind of getting them in tune with our sensibilities, our sense of humor, and just a general introduction to our vibe.

Awesome. Can you continue to give me the tour? It looks pretty messy around here.

What's this room over here? What's this locked door that says, do not open?

Well, before I kind of give you the grand tour, let me introduce you to some of the fixtures of our lobby. So this tall drink of water covered in cobwebs and spiders. This is one of the actual creator of Hey Riddle Riddle and co-host. This is Adal Rifai.

Oh, wow. Hello. Please don't brush away my cobwebs.

Oh, sorry buddy. They're my friends. Adal, this is our tour. Would you like to do one of your classic Hey Riddle Riddle inspired bits for the tour? I know they'd really get a kick out of that.

Oh sure. Waiter, there's a crunch bar in my soup.

Something like that. And now you would say in the tour, you would say you would make a pun based off of that. He's setting you up to do a pun.

I came into this candy bar for a drink, not soup.

Okay, Adal, how was that? Pretty good, pretty good. Okay, if you follow me over here, this still tall drink of water, I mean, comparatively tall drink of water, is the lifeblood of the show. Some people say it's only redeeming quality. The personality of the show, this is Erin Keif. Erin, say hello to the tour.

Hi, you'll be tired of me soon enough.

Wow, she said we'll be tired of her, but she seems so tired.

It's still tall though, so... Still tall? You have to admit. She's sitting on 20 books. Well, it's a princess and the pea situation. The book, the princess and the pea is at the bottom of these books, and if I can feel it, I get the fuck off.

There's a puddle of piss at the bottom of the books. And now we've been introduced to one of Erin's classic bits, which is defending herself from attacks by all angles.

What's that swirling black hole over there?

It's kind of in the outline of a person, but it doesn't seem like it has a soul. I'm glad that you mentioned that swirling black hole over here. So this is the absence of funny and the absence of comedy and the absence of personality, which actually reflects itself as all of those things.

Riddles?

Well, we call this black hole of, you know, just fun sucking out of the room. We call this black hole JPC.

Oh, I just shivered. It's so cold.

I feel like some of my most beautiful memories are leaving my body right now. I'm kind of scared.

That is a scary feeling and you should just get used to that because that will be your new normal. And sir, you can touch it, but be prepared. You will shit your pants and then you'll kind of want to eat it. I already did.

I'm trying to take a photo of it with my iPhone and it is not showing up.

He only shows up on androids. It's just a different system for him.

Cool. Anywhere to eat or use the bathroom in here?

It's an hour, it's riddles, it's all bad. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle everybody.

It's an hour of intro with some riddles in the credits. What's up everyone?

Um, so I have something brand new about me and I want you two to try to guess it based only on information that I've already told you before we started recording and the weight that I sound. Uh, new lungs. More interesting neck? Erin, I told you that in confidence. Adal, thank you. I did tell you to bring that up.

You changed all your teeth.

I changed all my teeth. I'm in the process of changing all of my teeth. Today is my first day with my new Invisalign aligners. And so I'm on my way to unfuck my mouth.

Unfuck my mouth. How do they feel? Is it harder to talk?

It is weird. It's weird to talk and I was like, I'm going to try recording an episode with these aligners in because you're supposed to wear them for like 22 hours a day, which is like, how many hours are there in a day?

I mean, you know, I've never seen 22 hours of a day.

No. Oh God, no. I watched two episodes of 24 and I'm out like a fucking wife.

Where do you, where do you, what do you do with them the other two hours? Microwave?

Yeah, you got to microwave them. And then you got to put them back in. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Ooh. Yeah, you have to get them really hot because your teeth are so cold they don't want to move. But if you microwave the retainers or the aligners, your teeth kind of relax.

I love science.

Science is wonderful. Makes sense. Yeah, I had misfrizzled pretty hard in my body for a couple of years. So I know science pretty well at this point.

Lucky you. What I would give for her to go hard on my body for a couple of years. Ooh, she's hot.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, that's good. You guys give me tongue twisters and I'll try to save them. So Erin, that was... Can you give that to me again?

I was on a bus filled with thespians. They were singing rent, so I wanted to leave the bus.

I was on a bus full of thespians. They were singing rent, so I wanted to leave the bus and go down to Santa Fe. Oh, all the references.

Reference Roger, nothing. Adal, it's my turn. I want you to say 528,000 herb roasted chickens.

525,000 herb-roasted chickens. How does this Boston Market stay in business?

Okay, I want you to say... How?

How? Do people eat Boston Market on days where it's not just you alone for Thanksgiving? Where are people eating this?

Okay, everybody, lean in. JPC, Erin, lean in. I know Boston Market's sturdy little secret. The way they stay afloat is by catering solely to people who are running late to a party and did not prepare a dish, and yet they were supposed to bring a dish. If I pop into a Boston Market, they say, give me 20 quarts of beans, give me a gallon of mashed potatoes, and then they show up at a park.

Yep, that's what they do.

All Boston Market.

All Boston Market commercials are just like a white man in maybe his 60s and he pulls up a chair to the camera and sits down and says, I'll level with you. You're a divorced dad. You're doing your best. It's a hard life. You're all alone. You're just trying your best. Boston Market, okay?

You picked this kid up from soccer, Boston Market. It's a Friday, you're eating for yourself, Boston Market. You told a lady you're going on a day with it, you're gonna cook for her. Who has the time for that, Boston Market?

There's slow that is, Boston Market. For the days when you have the kids.

We can't all be heroes. Boston Market.

I'm glad we got sidetracked because the rest of the episode would have been rent tongue twisters.

Yeah, I'm glad we haven't done that. Hey, so that's what's new with me. Adal, anything new with you?

Yeah, I got a new pet chicken I made. It's Labo Hen. It's coughing up the storm.

Waiter, waiter, waiter, waiter.

What is new with me? There's not much new with me. I don't know. I'm so tired. The other day we had to replace our AC unit, which was $4,200, that I did not have budgeted into my life. So I have not slept in a long time and my wallet is dead. Erin, what's new with you?

Are you okay?

Honestly, at this point, I feel like a dick for giving you that living wallet. I thought it was a fun, like most people can keep them alive, you know?

Well, I had to... They're like one of those, like, geopets?

But I had to feed it $20 bills. Yeah, it sucks those dry.

I'm good. I'm wearing JPC's Invisalign the other three hours of the day, so my teeth are bleeding. Yeah, that's gonna hurt. That's all that's new with me.

Adal, I know that you've got this $4,200 expense that you weren't expecting. I want to do something for you. This is honestly gratis. This is totally for me. I think when I'm done with my full course treatment of Invisaligns, what I will do is I'll put them all on eBay or something. I will sell those Invisaligns and I will say, you could have JPC's mouth. Perverts. Yeah, for the perverts. And we'll see, because we probably have some listeners that would, and we'll say we'll donate half to charity. We won't.

We're not saying our listeners are perverts. JPC is saying he thinks you guys might know some perverts.

Oh, no, our listeners are perverts. I think our listeners have the threat of the pervert community very close at hand. I think that they're not stepping into that, but they know they're in those same circles. They're on the same message boards with a lot of these perverts.

Adal, I have something I'll do to help you. Yes. You can call me anytime, even if it's in the middle of the night, and I will wake up and I will sing both parts of, will you light my candle from rent for you? And I'll submit at a tent.

Okay, interesting. I'm trying to think about how to monetize this and I can't really connect the dots. Can you sell that to a fan and then also FaceTime them your feet? Feet timed them?

Sure. Yeah, I will do both of those at the same time. I know you, you're, you're shivering. It's nothing they turned off my heat.

Toes. Pan down to the toes.

And just a little we got my feet.

Spread them. Spread the toes.

Adal, another thing that I am willing to do for you, Erin said a very nice thing, calling at any time of the night. I will do a similar thing where you can call me at any time of the night and I will tell you what movies are playing nearby and the times of those movies. Well that's just Moviefone. Exactly. It's your movie phone. No one else gets this. It's just your movie phone. I love it. Thank you. Guys, thank you so much. Well, we know how to cheer each other up and that's a big part of why we're such good friends on the show and why it's such listenable content.

I thought you were going to just start like a go fuck me. You know that new website where you raise money for your friend to get enough money to go fuck off, like move away so you don't have to talk to them or deal with them?

Yeah, a go fuck me is when someone has like, you know, a bunch of medical debt and then your friend raises a bunch of money so that they can like buy a new computer so they can make a stream making fun of the person who has all the medical debt.

Okay, we just hit the end of the internet. I didn't think that there was an absolute end. I thought it went on forever. I thought it was infinite, but no, it uh, it's like a Truman Show wall of it and we just reached it with that joke.

I'll tell you what, the internet does not go on forever and neither does this episode. So what we have to do now is we have to get to Riddles. I don't know if I mentioned it at the top of the podcast. In fact, I'm sure that I didn't. This is a Riddles podcast. And so we are going to, I'm going to be old man puzzles today. I'm going to give you guys some riddle prompts and I'm going to ask you to answer those riddles and come up with the correct answer. Does that sound like something that you two can do too?

Yes. No, I'm thinking now by that response. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. That response said no, but I've had some Tylenol today, so I'm fucking ready to riff.

My response said yes, but my dead smile said, I've hated this for years.

No, you created this. That's like Dr. Frankenstein being like, oh, I don't like my monster very much. You built us.

It's like the guy that made the Keurig being like, oh, I wish I hadn't invented this thing with such a horrible environmental impact. That wouldn't happen. Okay, so you guys ready for your first riddle? Yes. Okay, that was much better. So these riddles are both from Maria. Maria writes, Riddles! Blow us some riddles. I did not invent the first one, but rather adopted it from a book of riddles. I wrote the second one. Okay, okay Maria. So we, no matter what, we do love the second one. Just so we all know, no matter what, that one is really good. We can say whatever we want about this first one, but the second one, we love Maria. And thank you so much for listening to the show three years ago.

You sound like a parent who has two kids. Remember, we love the second one. I know it's going to be hard, but remember, we love the second one. We remember it's there.

This is your little replacement sister. This is your little sister, not replacement.

I don't know why I said that. We thought we couldn't conceive Riddles and then we realized we could and we wrote one.

So then we realized we could and we shouldn't. Okay, so this is Maria's first Riddle. A woman became convinced that her daughter-in-law was stealing from her. Specifically, she thought that her daughter-in-law was stealing saffron, an expensive spice, from her spice cabinet. She decided to leave some saffron out on a plate in the kitchen and when she saw her daughter-in-law was coming over to help her make dinner, she would observe her daughter-in-law's reaction to the spice and, depending on how guilty her daughter-in-law looked, she would confront her. The daughter-in-law HAD been pilfering the expensive spice from her mother-in-law's spice cabinet. When she arrived, she saw the saffron out and quickly realized that her mother-in-law wanted to see how she would react. Thinking quickly, she said three words that immediately caused her mother-in-law to think that she would never have stolen the saffron.

Excuse me.

Three words. Get fucked Dolores. I'm onto you.

Yeah, that makes her seem innocent. I think it's a sneeze and then I sneeze from the saffron.

I know I don't get to guess because I'm old men puzzles, but I want to join in the fun. Everybody seems like they're having a great time. Typical. So as soon as she walks to the kitchen, three words, this kitchen sucks.

Being Old Man Puzzles feels like you're, I don't know, like a chaperone or a dance or something. It's not, you go like, hey guys, what are you doing over here? You guys having fun? And the other two are like having the time of their life.

Yeah, that's true.

I get the impulse to jump in, but you know what? Adal and I get to have fun today and you're doing all the hard work.

You just gotta sit by the punch bowl and make sure nobody spikes it, my man.

I hate when people spike a ball into the punch. It goes everywhere, it ruins all the white clothes.

I get that, but why am I the one in charge of bringing the punch to the volleyball games? We know what's happening. We know what's going to happen. Can't we just have Capri Suns?

No.

I guess I'll brew another big batch of 50s punch. I got to admit, pilfering is a great word. I love that word. I love that word.

It sounds like a Chicago suburb. It sounds like pillows for your fingers.

It sounds like it sounds like you're gonna have a grand day like excuse me I'm leaving and I'm going to pilfer.

I think there's there's also another P word for stealing which is like perloined and I like that word as well.

I've never heard that.

Really cuz I think it's in rent.

Hold on let me sing through all of rent. Say that I have the best ass. You're staring again oh no I mean you do have a nice I mean. I got through the whole

What is the age of the people in rent? Are they like teenagers? Are they young 20s?

I'm glad you asked because there's supposed to be people in there I think early to mid 20s. Maybe a couple like people pushing 30. When they did the movie they cast a bunch of 40 year olds and it is disturbing to watch.

This works out great. So what I want to see is I want to see a scene. This is from the new musical. Feel free to sing some songs or just snippets of songs. This is from the new musical where you two are in your mid to late 30s and this is the new musical mortgage.

One trip to the dump and then I, I've got to go to Home Depot to pick up a bunch of mulch. Mulch. Gotta get a ton of mulch. I need mulch. It's my Sunday activity. My wife hates me. I do things three or four months after she asks. I don't do much of the labor. I have to do her a favor. Mulch! Mulch!

Ah, New York City. The houses here sure are expensive. Let's get on that old Redfin app. Holy shit. Is this a two bedroom? Are you fucking kidding me? $800,000. A two bedroom. A two bedroom. It's $800,000. It's in fucking Queens. Who wants a living? Let's open up the restaurant and... nope, that won't pay more.

Most of all business is closed but then... Adal, can I please do like three more? I'm so sorry, you've never set me up or something.

As long as one of them is La Brownstone.

Okay, I will figure it out, but I got a couple more I gotta do.

Please, Erin.

December 24th, 9 p.m. I gotta wrap some presents and put them under the tree for my kids. My kids believe in Santa Claus and I'm almost 40 and I hate this part of the year. I gotta get presents and put them under the tree. Alright, I'm gonna do a couple more.

Go ahead and be safe. I got one. This is just one line because I literally can't do it anymore. Will you co-sign my loan? My credit's in the shitter.

My shoulder hurts, but I can't go to the doctor. I'll need a loan. I have no future. I have no cash. This mortgage is my life.

We raise a glass to staying in tonight. We raise a glass to staying in tonight.

Raise a glass to Netflix. Raise a glass to Disney Plus Premier.

I'll cover you at the restaurant because you need someone to help pay because we don't have enough money.

We were absolutely in danger of that becoming the entire episode.

Would that have been so bad? I was having fun.

Erin, I would like to say You okay, honey? I'm afraid so. They get any money. No, had none to get. But they purloined my coat. Purloined. It's in a rit. Purloined?

I... I got purloined.

You got purloined? Purloined? Can't be what that means.

I guess I didn't learn anything today.

Mom, sorry I'm home late. I got purloined. Sounds like a word that Jerry Lewis said in the movie, and they're like, I guess that's a word now.

Can we get a sound bite of Erin saying, I guess I didn't learn anything today? Put it at the beginning of all episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle. Instead of this is a head gum podcast, instead of this is a head gum podcast, I went, I guess I didn't learn anything today.

Oh, I love that learning. I love it.

I have to assume the three words were, what is this? Famously uttered by Jack Skellington, Nightmare Before Christmas,

What was the context for him saying that in Nightmare Before Christmas? What is this? What's this? What's this?

There's yellow spice abound. What's this? What's this? I dropped it on the ground.

Adal, I don't want to quibble with you, and I don't want to quibble with you. Short bites. But this, quick bites, I don't know why it's short bites. Do you want to purloin with him? No, I do not. I am engaged, so there's only one person to purloin. So Maria writes what is that but I guess what is this it also works as well but yes it is that it is what is that because then the mother instantly knows she didn't steal it she didn't know what the fuck it is Mm-hmm.

I think that I can see that that would work, but I think a chew Excuse me is the better answer.

I try to whenever I'm teaching improv I typically will say the phrase use it like saffron not salt to try and like politely curb someone's bad habits like if they're constantly entering a scene I'm like, you know walk-ons Are so wonderful and your walk-ons are great But maybe we should use them like saffron not salt sparingly and to add flavor and the best walk-on is always a sweep edit

Yeah, I didn't have you as a teacher, and it showed. I walked onto every scene I could.

Adal being like, use that like saffron, not spice. And the average improv student is a 22 year old who's never cooked a meal for themselves in their entire life. And if they have, it's a frozen pizza. So he's like, use it like saffron, not salt. They're like both things that are completely unattainable to me.

Is that a singer?

Have my parents buy them? Okay, are we ready for Maria's second book?

$525,600. That would have worked.

That's what it cost me to fix my AC. There you go.

A man invited two of his friends over to his house for his family's Chinese New Year's dinner. His family had people with many dietary restrictions. A sister was gluten-free, a brother was vegan, and a cousin was allergic to shellfish. Because of that, there were four vegan dishes, six gluten-free dishes, and five dishes with no shellfish.

Can you read that again? I'm gonna write it down.

Because of that, there were four vegan dishes, six gluten-free dishes, and five dishes with no shellfish. There were 20 dishes total. At the end of the night, the two friends who had been visiting fell sick and died. They had been poisoned! Because the two guests had never eaten Chinese food before, they sampled every single one of the dishes. The vegan and non-vegan dishes, the glutinous and gluten-free dishes, and the dishes with and without shellfish. Every single dish they ate, at least one other person ate. Everything was served from communal plates and bowls. Everyone drank tea poured from one teapot with tea mugs randomly distributed. How is it possible that no one else was poisoned and died? Um, chopsticks? Adal, you are correct. Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Nailed it. I'm writing shit down like a moron over here. What the?

Now, Erin, that's not how you were writing things down. You were writing things down like a perfectly reasonable person. Adal just served you up a big platter like you're a moron. He just spiked the ball right into the punch ball. And he did that to you. You did nothing wrong. Shouldn't have worn white. Adal, do you know why the answer is chopsticks?

Bump set, fuck you. Hi Riddle.

The only thing that you need is because the two guests had never eaten Chinese food before, since they had never eaten Chinese food before, they were using silverware, which was poisoned. Everyone else who had eaten Chinese food was using chopsticks, which were not poisoned.

Yeah, when there's a lot of information that's trying to confuse you or misdirect you, they call those red earrings because they... Something to do with... In literature, a wise man once barked.

Sorry Adal, I accomplished a bunch of my errands and chores while you were a man explaining something to me. That was nonsense.

And Adal, you teach improv, right?

I always tell people to use red herrings like they're cinnamon. Put them with sugar and then put them on toast.

That was the situation where he was definitely looking for a sweep edit in the middle of that.

Adal, can you give me a couple more of the folksy sayings you would say when you taught improv?

Yes. When mama ain't happy ain't nobody editing. Two persons see if by land, one person seen if by monologue. What else was there? Speak softly and mime having a big dick. What were the other ones? Ask not what your scene partner can do for you, but do an impression of Obama.

What else? What else? And your book on improv was the least selling book on improv of all time, correct?

It made New York Times were selling lists.

Oh yeah, they do that now.

Your book won a Razzie correct?

My book won a Razzie as read by Emma Stone. I was hanging out with some people this weekend and our friend Paul said he was trying to remember the phrase happy wife.

I don't think I have a friend named Paul.

Well that sucks for you. That's the last initial. You don't know this Paul. Oh, you said our friend Paul. Mariah and I's friend Paul. Oh, Erin's friend Paul as well. So just not your friend Paul.

Okay, I was wondering if it was the Paul that I knew.

It's Paula Tompkins. But they said happy wife, happy life, but they couldn't remember what the adjective was for. It was like, it's happy wife, happy life, right? So we thought it was very funny to just like, that phrase is infinitely exchangeable with like, you could be like, sad wife? Sad life. Horny wife? Horny wife. And every part of that works. So if you ever want to say something that's full to you. Second wife? Second wife. Enjoy. I want to see a scene real quick. Adal and Erin, you are both out to dinner. I'm going to be playing your waiter. You've just sat down, you've just been at the table, but the silverware that I've placed in front of you, you think is poisoned, but you're trying to be polite about it. Okay, and this is your table? Oh, hi.

Hey, yes. I just, uh, guess. What was your name? Paul?

My name is Paul.

You're wearing a cape and an eye patch. Sloppy. Thunder and lightning keeps happening anytime you say something.

This is the Magic Castle, so you paid a lot to get in here and you did have to know someone.

But you're just super menacing and then I'm sitting down here and you keep looking over at our silverware. Have you tested your silverware yet?

Have you tried and tasted your silverware?

Well, me and my boyfriend. Oh, I haven't ordered yet. Holy shit, sorry. You haven't ordered yet. Yes, I accept.

And a ring too. Thank you. Let me grab that out of the box. This is beautiful. Should I put this on my pinky?

Wow, okay. Let me get you guys a couple extra spoons. Looks like you're probably going to need them.

Actually, can we have a couple glasses of champagne?

Okay, should I cancel that order of spoons or will you still want them with the champagne?

I would say maybe we'll order some finger food. Some bread and a little bit of olive oil. What else do you eat with your hands?

Scallops.

Spaghetti as a kid. Oh wait, you have spaghetti with your hands?

When I was a kid.

Not now though.

Well I'm a kid at heart. And a kid at hands. I'm a kid at hands too.

I'm gonna grab that pinky ring back.

Oh it's stuck. It's stuck at my knuckle.

Ow.

Oh you zipped his knuckle right off of his finger. That looks painful. Okay I will come right back. I will do an order of spaghetti, an order of bread. Hold on, hold on. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You are a waiter. You are not a rusher. You stand here until we relieve you of your waiting duties. Absolutely. This is definitely not hot. Sorry, I wanted to treat him as his position deserves. He's beneath us, right? We both agree that anyone who works in a restaurant is beneath us.

No, I was more thinking, let me just... Ooh, yeah, I'm going to take that little boyfriend word out from the air. I'm going to slurp it back in my mouth.

Oh, if you're going to slurp it in your mouth, would you like to use a spoon, a fork, or a knife to do so?

Sir, who sent you?

Okay. If I'm being honest, I was sent.

Wait.

Well, I am a waiter.

Kyle, move on, okay? I'm in this new relationship.

I flipped my kneading badge around. It says Paul. The other side, it does say Kyle.

It's confusing because your shirt says Odenner.

Oh, that's also reversed as well. Let me just flip that around. There we are.

Stegosaurus.

Stegosaurus. Stegosaurus. Well, Maria, Adal got your riddle super quick, but that doesn't mean that we didn't like it. We actually freaking loved it. What a great riddle. Thank you so much for sending this back to us in 2018. And if you're still out there listening, you know, reply back to that email. Let us know. We want to hear from you.

Yeah, if you, if anybody out here sent us an email at Hey Riddle, what is it? Hey Riddle podcast. Don't help, let them find it. HRR Podcast at email.com. What's that as I set up this email? HRR Podcast at email.com. If you sent us a riddle years ago or if you sent us something, check back in. No, no. Do not do that.

Is anybody there?

Does anybody care?

Before we go to break, can you just let us know on a scale of 1 to 10 how much you regret starting this podcast?

What is 1 and what is 10?

I think we got our answer. Let's go to break!

Hey JPC and Erin it's me, Stampy the Stamp, and I have news for you. Mail call.

Hi Stampy.

Hi Stampy. It's good to see you again. You know this summer is showing welcoming signs of a more normal life ahead. Stampy can finally hang with his family. Finally you can get back to enjoying life's little pleasures like smiling at your neighbor, seeing a movie, and Going to the post office? Okay, some parts of normal life aren't so great. But with Stamps.com, you can skip trips to the post office and save on postage. Wow Stampy, that's great! Can we get you some water? No, if I get water on me, I become sticky and I don't want to do that.

No, we don't want you sticky. We don't want you sticky, Stampy.

Now Stamps.com brings the same US Postal and UPS shipping services right to your computer. They make it easy for small businesses to mail and ship without needing to take a trip to the post office. Print official US postage and shipping labels 24-7 without having to leave your desk or buy any fancy equipment. All you need is a computer, and a standard printer, and me, your best friend Stampy.

And Stampy, isn't it true that once your mail is ready, you just need to schedule a pickup or drop-off? It's that simple. Mm-hmm. And Stampy, isn't it true that Stamps.com saves nearly one million small business owners like you time and money? That's right, Erin.

Thank you. Wait a second, Stampy. You said that all we needed was a computer, a standard printer, and you. But I just went on stamp.com. I signed up Hey Riddle Riddle. We always have to send in a lot of mail for Hey Riddle Riddle. I used my printer. Okay. I don't need you.

Okay, everyone calm down.

I don't need Stampy. Stampy's a lie. You don't need Stampy to use the service.

Okay, Stampy. Stop wasting time. Go into the post office and go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with my promo code Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage And a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. That's Stamps.com promo code R-I-D-D-L-E Riddle.

And Stampy, you get out of here, and we never want to see you again!

Bye, Stampy! Bye! Goodbye, Stampy!

I'm disappearing. You're ceasing to believe! Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Here we go again.

So you know how I said the other day that I was really hungry and what you guys recommended was that a wizard hit me in the stomach with a tiny blue missile that dealt me 1d4 plus 1 magic damage that scales depending on what level the spell is cast?

Oh, I see what happened.

Do you? Is this reference going over your heads?

No, I don't see it, but Adal probably does and he'll say it.

Yeah, you heard it as Magic Missile. We were talking about Magic Spoon.

Oh, no. Okay. Oh, because you know that growing up cereal was like one of my favorite parts about being a kid, but I essentially had to give it up because I realized it was full of sugar and junk that I should not eat.

But that's where Magic Spoon comes in.

It has 0 grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only 4 net grams of carbs in each serving, and only 140 calories of serving, and it's keto friendly, gluten free, grain free, soy free, low carb, and GMO free.

But it is absolutely delicious. The variety pack has four flavors, cocoa, fruity, frosted, and peanut butter. Obviously, we've said on the show before, we're a huge fan of mixing the cocoa and the peanut butter. Tastes delicious. But the fruity ones are so good, and I could eat an entire box every day because it's so delicious.

Oh my gosh. I eat them without milk. This sounds delicious. The wizard who hit me with that magic missile, I just had like a burnt ash taste in my mouth and stomach pain for a couple days. I guess I did actually go to sleep that night and I did use some of my hit die to heal those hit points back up. Wow.

Um, do you have cereal in your campaign?

Oh no, we're playing kind of like in the future, but also the past.

Oh yeah, well this is a campaign for cereal.

Magic Spoon is my favorite midnight snack and I want you all to enjoy the same thing. So go to magic spoon dot com slash riddle to grab a variety pack and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code RIDL, R-I-D-D-L-E at checkout to save five dollars off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it, for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked.

Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash riddle and use the code RIDDLE to save $5 off. Now, JPC, roll for an apology. Okay.

Ooh, one. Is that good? And add your modifier? Not to a natural one. You obviously, you've been playing the game for five years. The natural one is just, thank you Magic Spoon for sponsoring this episode!

Hey JPC, Adal. I got a question for you. I'm just tinkering on my computer. No, thank goodness. Not a riddle. I'm tinkering on my computer and I'm trying to build myself a website because I'm Miss Hollywood now and I'm trying to get myself out there. Any suggestions on how to do it?

Okay. This is kind of embarrassing for you. Erin, have you never heard of Squarespace?

Oh yeah, Squarespace.

Yeah, Erin, Squarespace. Squarespace empowers millions of dreamers, makers, and doers by providing them with the tools that they need to bring their creative ideas to life. An all-in-one platform where customers can build a website, claim a domain, sell online, market a brand. Oh, and Erin, even see analytics.

And yeah, I don't know if you've heard this, but all the celebrities know there's like secret parties about it. You can choose a URL that ends in dot com, dot net, dot org, or even get more specific with one like dot art or dot miss Hollywood. Congratulations, by the way, by winning that award.

I've heard of Squarespace, they have award winning design, they have beautiful templates, powerful e-commerce tools, and they help customers launch their ideas into the world and build their brand.

Okay Erin, it's obviously very embarrassing for you that you've never heard of Squarespace and we understand that.

I've heard of it. They have 24-7 award winning customer support. There's nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So Erin, we're actually talking about Squarespace, which has everything that you need to create a beautiful and modern website. You can start with a design template and you can use drag and drop tools to make it your own. Okay.

We're trying to help you. That's right. And Erin, I apologize, which put a curse on us so that we sound sarcastic and we talk down to you.

Yeah, I know, you know, I know. It's that witch, you guys.

Head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's 10% off with the code RIDDLE at squarespace.com slash riddle.

Yeah, it's squarespace.com slash riddle.

Oh, she got you two?

Promo code RIDDLE. You guys know what you got me.

Erin, it looks like you're drinking from a pneumatic bank tube.

Am I not? I better be.

It's a Jose bank tube?

Yes, it's a bank tube.

I told you that one time after a party when we hopped fences to get away from cops, my friend Steven tried to put his beer up the bank tube.

That's amazing. And I was like, Steven!

There's cameras!

Well, that's us coming back from break, I guess. I mean, there's no other way around that. Sorry, Steve, but you got docked, motherfucker.

He was proud of that. He hopped three huge fences, like at least six foot tall fences, with a beer, a half a beer still.

That's amazing. Was it in a bottle or in a pint glass?

It was in a can.

Oh, okay. Wow. I would say if I'm hopping fences with a beer, I think bottles gotta be my go-to, but can't eat that either. But glass? No way. Digit. Toss that.

Toss all of it. You're running from the cops.

Somebody take everything that she just said and turn that into a country song.

If you're running with a bottle, if you're running with a can, if you're running with a pint glass, toss it man. You've got to run from the cops. You've got to run from the cops. And I'm out hopping fences. I guess I'm just singing Desperado. Yeah, it's just Desperado. I was trying to go with something original, but fuck me I guess. Fucking love the Eagles. Fucking love Don Henley. Oh my god. Love that guy.

I always love bands where when they break up, all of them are suddenly lead singers. Like Genesis had some of that, Eagles had that, Pink Floyd had that, where everyone's like, you know what? I'm also a lead singer.

What do you think is going to happen to Adal Riddle?

We're going to break up, do our own podcast, and we're all going to think we're the main host.

Yeah. Hi, welcome back to Riddles. I'm Erin Keif, and I'm going to, I don't know, sit in silence for a little while.

I think when we eventually break up, which is coming, which is looming, I think, Erin, you're going to get the hey, I'll get a riddle, and then JPC will get a riddle. Because a lot of everyone, I think, Erin, you hate riddles the most.

I appreciate that.

I mean, I'm prepared to do a hey podcast or a riddle podcast, so I think that that's fine. And when Adal says, don't get alarmed, when Adal says that our breakup is imminent, what he means is that the federal government will break us up for having a monopoly on riddles. Like a big bank, we are too big to not be failures, so we will be getting broken up by Obama's friend Joe Biden. Let's get some more riddles. Okay, you guys are gonna love it because we are going back to one of our favorite old friends. It is that infamous Blue Book of Riddles.

Oh, JPC, can you do me a huge favor?

Sure.

Go into your kitchen, grab the biggest pot that you have, put a bunch of water in it, put it on the stove, a little bit of salt, okay. Yeah, or saffron. Yeah, or saffron. Just a tiny bit of that though, if you don't want to use too much. Boil the water. Got it. Once it's bubbling, once it's boiling, I'm going to put that book in there, and then I want you to burn your whole house down.

Okay, give me one second.

Awesome, thank you. Thank you.

Obviously, Casey will cut around this part, and I am back, and holy shit, the book's back in my hand.

You know, speaking of, okay, interesting. Can't die, can't be killed. Huh. What to do? Wow, you guys, that's real.

That's why I'm laughing. Go ahead.

Speaking of folksy sayings, my grandma always used to say, guests, fish, and that book start to stink after three days.

And it's been several years, so.

And it's been several years. In the summertime, I start to stink after like 40 minutes. That's about how long I have after I get out of the shower before I smell fucking unholy. Okay. This riddle is called, I love this book because it has fucking titles. Titles for riddles. Oh, I love it. This one is called The Stuffed Cloud. A media- Hold on. Dead Stop. The Stuffed Cloud? Never been to Pizza Hut, my friend.

Never slept on a mattress, my guy?

The cloud yeet backwards, bitch.

Oh, you know what? My internet cannot eat it anymore. It cannot take another bite.

I cannot have another photo. Thanks for remembering.

My cloud is stuffed. Honestly, I would love to, but unless you pay me a $1.99 a month, I can't have another bite.

You know what I was thinking earlier today when I, I was, I haven't slept a ton, I've been out of sorts. Here's what I thought today. And it blew my mind and I actually had to stop thinking about it because it, because it- Wow, I love this. Because it troubled me. It's one of the rare times in my life where I thought about something and I go, Adal, you have to stop thinking about it because it's troubling you. Wow. I thought about, think about When Earth began, oceans, mountains, you got your grasslands, you got your trees, that's about it. You got mineral deposits, you have oxygen, clouds. Think about today. Think about the internet. Think about phones. Think about tchotchkes. Think about TV. We built all that from the ground.

Casey, can you just fade in and out to indicate that this has gone several hours? Isn't that horrifying?

And another thing. But isn't that terrifying to think of what we've made out of dirt and rocks and minerals and water and stuff? It's scary.

Yeah, cool. Online shopping. Order everything I've Amazoned.

I think that it's such a scary thought too when you also consider how quickly all of it, like the human population, how relatively quickly in the long, like 6,000 years, the world is about 6,000 years old as we all know from the Bible. And so it's just in the last 6,000 years we've created all of this stuff.

I also, and I was thinking about, if you think about like metal or something, I've watched documentaries where they're like, here we're taking metal out of the ground. We found some iron ore. But then I was like, okay, there's this iron ore and they show this huge chunk and they're like, this is very impressive chunk. And then I think about all the cars that exist in the world and all the buildings and everything that's made out of metal. And I think, how did we make all that and still have metal left? We should be out of metal. I put this on my tombstone. We should be out of metal. How do we still have metal left?

In the three minutes you've been talking, I've watched a bunch of YouTube videos of unboxing of boxes. There are just more boxes inside the boxes. I love my content!

We live in a simulation. That reminds me of what Metallica told themselves when they decided to stop making music.

We're all out of metal.

We should be out of metal.

Lars, we should be out of metal. Okay, sorry for this tangent, but it just hit home about what I was thinking about today. That truly, I had to turn my brain off because I was starting to be fearful.

That's why he had to turn his brain off.

I get it. So Adal, for the first time today, it sounds like experienced anxiety.

What's this word? Perloined?

Uh, existential dread. Uh, no, this isn't existential dread. It's a riddle podcast, so it's very close. This riddle is called the Stuffed Cloud. Okay. A meteorologist was replaced in his job because of a stuffed cloud. What's a stuffed cloud? What's a stuffed cloud?

It's not what it's called when you get a boner on TV.

Coming in from the, okay I want to see a scene. JVC you are a weather reporter on the new show. and of course when you show weather people on the news you see their whole whole body or at least you see them from like the shins up and as you're giving the the weather there's something about the weather I don't know if it's like you're what you're saying or something about the weather that's happening today or the the forecast but you are getting aroused and Erin you are an anchor who is noticing.

Okay well today across the Midwest it's going to be a balmy cool 62 degrees. Just a little editorializing from me. 62, my favorite temperature. God I love that temperature. That is a good temperature.

So what you're saying Mitchell is it's probably a good day for a walk.

Yeah, well for some. I personally would not take a walk on a 62 degree day. I would be in the privacy of my own home enjoying the perfect temperature.

Sorry, Mitchell, you're having a hard time with the sound over there. You're starting to talk a little bit slower than you normally do.

Sorry Stacey, that's my fault. Okay, and let's move over to the southwest where it's also It's also gonna be 62 degrees. Use sultry little southwest air.

Is that common? That it's the same temperature in so many different parts of the country?

Stacy, I just don't know. You know, weather's a fickle beast and it can change from time to time. For instance, if we go and look at the east coast temperatures, it is... Well, who do we have here? Mr. 62 degrees Fahrenheit.

Oh, Mitchell, bear with us. We're getting some breaking news. A bunch of kids have died in a fire and it seems like there were... Oh my god. Uh-huh.

Oh no.

Do we have any ideas? 62 kids have died today.

Yeah, I was going to make that joke and then I thought, maybe not.

That's why I stepped in.

Thank you so much. Thanks, Rick. That's Rick with sports.

That's Rick with sports. Rick, always a rock in a tough time.

Back to you Mitchell, sorry for the interruption. When we have more on that story we'll bring it to you.

Okay, well I mean that is a tragedy. Not unlike the tragedy, well very unlike the tragedy, but a similar tragedy to let's go to the southeast where it's beach season in Miami and that means beach temperatures. What do we have down here? It is... Oh boy. Oh boy, it's 85. I just can't stop thinking about those kids. That's such a tragedy.

And wait, hold on. I'm getting more info. It was grown adults who died. There were 62 of them. Now the joke doesn't feel as bad.

Okay. And I got to ask, because I know where that fire took place from where you read. Was it the 62 degree pervert condition? Was that what caught fire?

Yes.

Okay. Well, a lot of my friends are gone.

Rick with sports.

I was going to start hitting the quickening. All of the other perverts died. So my perversion, my 62 degree perversion over gets stronger. Sean Connery hits me with lightning. It's no big deal.

I feel like there's something in their highs, the Highslander because they're always saying, Oh yeah, the highs are going to be in the mid eighties. The Highslander. Yeah, exactly. Something around there.

Yeah, Heisman Trophy.

There's something.

Hey Adal, let's you and I stick back about this when we do our podcast that's just called Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, it's a lot of deconstructed jokes where we put out the information and then the audience can make their own jokes.

Yeah, it's all deconstructed jokes in that we don't do any jokes and you rip us apart online.

Oh I got it, I got it. I want to see a scene.

Oh yes, okay.

It's Riddle Riddle. It's just the two of you. It's like probably year two of Riddle Riddle. And I just want to see, this is like a, it's a wonderful life situation for me. I want to see what it's like if I weren't here.

Okay so let's read another two riddles at the same time, JVC of course.

If this is your first time listening to the show, the show is called Riddle Riddle. Two men talking over each other. We're both the creators of the show.

And co-hosts. And I'm a host. I'm the main host. I'm the main host as Arnie Perritt's song goes. So the concept of Riddle Riddles were two men who were going to read a riddle at the exact same time.

And then you, the listener, just has to deal with it. Here we go.

There once was a man from Maine Pocket who found a metal bucket.

He reaches him slowly into the dog's mouth, pulled out a silver key. Hold on, my page is ripped out. Hold on, I think I have the back half a year, Riddle. You have the back half of mine. Let's just go with it.

Why did I start this, Riddle?

His cock was so long he could suck it.

Scene. You guys, I'm really disappointed. I thought it would feel different without me there. It's the same thing. Unbelievable.

Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. Did you call for a scene?

Good. Adal? Hey Adal?

What?

I'm gonna put a little gold star next to your name.

You know why? Think of all the books and libraries in the world. How is there still paper left? We should be out of paper.

Okay.

We should be out of paper.

Going to the neat Walgreens.

There's so many notebooks. There is a lumber shortage, so you're close to the truth there.

I just ordered 11 more Etsy journals offline.

You guys still have not answered this riddle about what's a stuffed cloud.

Yeah, because I know it's gonna be some fucking bullshit. It's rain.

That sounds like a riddle made by like a algorithm. What is a stuffed cloud?

A stuffed cloud is a rain cloud, okay?

What is a stuffed cloud? A stuffed cloud is not a rain cloud, Erin.

But I said it was such confidence.

That's a good guess. And you said that this meteorologist got fired because of a stuffed cloud.

A meteorologist was replaced in his job because of a stuffed cloud. Not got fired was replaced in his job.

Okay. Replaced. Okay. From stories I've heard college friends tell. I believe a stuffed cloud is when you are at a party. You're having a good time, you maybe ate a lot of greasy food beforehand, you're drinking a lot of alcohol. Your body is not responding in the way that it should because you haven't, you know, you're not old enough to control it. Sure. What happens is you are dancing at the party and you accidentally shit your pants a little bit. You go to the bathroom, you have to take off your underwear, and you kind of ball it up.

Adal, just for the listeners, if you're like me, just play an Inyun song in your head during this, okay?

Sail away, preferably.

Yeah.

You go to throw away your underwear and then you realize, I'm in someone's home. They're gonna see this or someone will smell it. I don't know what to do. So you take as much toilet paper as you can and you start to wrap it around your soiled underwear. Now eventually it becomes as big and fluffy as a cloud. Now the cloud is stuffed with your soiled underwear and now you can try and either flush it or shove it down into the... What is that? Or simply leave it on the ground and blame someone else. So that, to me, is what a stuffed cloud is. Final answer, Alex.

Erin. Erin, you're not going to believe this.

That's the correct answer. What's up?

Enya.

You got it. Yeah, Erin's answer. It's Enya.

All right, what's up?

Girl, are you about to sail away? What is it? Because I want to put an Enya.

Erin. Is that good? No.

My tears gone cold, I'm wondering why.

This day ain't working out. Erin, you don't get to just say, what's in it?

What's in it?

Do you guys want some hints? Do you guys want some hints for this? Yeah, I'll take some hints.

I hate this book.

The meteorologist died. Okay, so he was a pervert, a 62 degree pervert.

A hurricane.

He wasn't aware of the stuff cloud. It hadn't affected any of his forecasts or reports.

He got killed by some weather.

Yes, to a certain degree. And the last one was when he died, he was traveling.

He was a tornado guy. The one who's like, I love these tornadoes. I'm going to follow them.

A tornado pervert. Yeah. No, he was not a storm chaser.

Stuffed cloud. So is the cloud that's stuffed? A sheep. Oh, that's pretty good. What? Ew.

Okay, whatever. You guys say the weirdest shit, and I'm just over here buzzing around, and every once in a while you hear something I say, and it's weird, whatever.

Yeah, Erin, but we don't say it with confidence.

I want to see a scene. Okay. JPC, you are Erin's character's father. She has been homeschooled, she has not left the house, and she is probably around, she's maybe around 16. Right about now. 15-16. And you are finally taking her out of the house to observe the world. She's never seen TV. She's never read any books. She only knows what you've told her. You've taken her to a farm and she's seeing some farm animals for the very first time.

Well I think it's time in accordance with all of our traditions to take you out into the world. So you can take the blindfold off now and I brought you to a nice tranquil place just to get a sense of the world. This is what we call a farm. I've told you about farms before. Yeah, yeah. Well, feel free to look around. Is everything as I have described it? Smells terrible. Smells are hard to teach, so obviously your old dad did his best making some of his smells, but my terrible smells are mostly like within a small realm of what I could control. The world has much worse smells. That one was hard. I should get a gimme on smells.

Okay, what is that one? That looks kind of crazy.

Okay, now try to look at it and remember what I taught you and use your vocabulary of the things that I taught you. That's the noise it makes.

Okay, that one looks fluffy. Yeah, fluffy.

Fluffy making the noise.

Is that a bean bag chair?

Let me just go over some of the lessons that I had taught you.

Ooh, that one over there. That I know. This one over here.

Oh, you know this one. You know this one.

Okay. Long legs. Sure. I'm going to start over because he made a different noise.

Yeah, why don't we wait for the description?

It has long legs. Beautiful, long ponytail. That's a model. That's a model. That's a runway model.

Okay, now I'm looking at the runway monologue chapter that we did. I guess I never technically said that they were people, but okay, so I'm actually looking at a lot of my notes. I guess I never technically said a lot of stuff was people. So real quick, just going to go over it. Firefighter, people, runway water, people, doctors.

Runway water? Okay.

Running water. When you drink water, that's tears from people.

Okay. And what's this one? Because this one looks crazy. Wait, this is definitely a man. Is this Adal from Hey Riddle Riddle? Hello, do you want an autograph for a picture?

Adal from Hey Riddle Riddle, I never let you listen to podcasts.

And I listened to the worst one.

Yeah, that's the one you pick? You can listen to citations needed or something.

I'm sorry, you don't sound like a chicken. And you're not a coward.

Thank you. Yeah, you don't sound like a chicken. You act like one when four or five guys want to beat the shit out of you for something that you probably didn't do. Story of my wife.

Okay, so any more guesses on Stuffed Cloud? Stuffed Cloud. So is the cloud in question an actual cloud in the sky? It is, yes. So is Stuffed Cloud like what ancient Grecians used to call like lightning or something? It is not. Stuffed Cloud.

Yeah, what's the weather he died from? I'm ready to know.

So, when you said a stuffed cloud is something like ancient Grecians talk about, it's not ancient Grecians, it's pilots. Pilots have a word for a stuffed cloud. Oh, we are, pirates. Yeah, yeah, pirates. You know, pilots, eye patches, peg legs.

Okay, it was a plane crash.

It was a plane crash, yes, but what's the stuffed cloud? Is a stuffed cloud what they call it when there's another plane inside a cloud and you can't see it?

A very, very, very close, but not another plane inside of a cloud. A flock of seagulls. It is a flock of seagulls.

The haircut.

No, it's not. A stuffed cloud is when a cloud is hiding a mountain. The pilots call that a stuffed cloud. So he flew into a stuffed cloud?

That is so weird. Because to help me, I just drew a mountain on my little sheep.

Prove it. Show it. Prove it.

As perspective of where the cloud would be in the sky.

Dude, that's weird.

Show it. Prove it. Erin, prove it. Erin is pulling a sheep into frame? That's a bikini.

It's not a bikini.

Bottom portion of a bikini.

I was about to draw a mountain. And a big old bush sticking out. Isn't that crazy? That's really weird.

I must have subconsciously knew. That is a mountain, Erin. There's nothing else that it could be. And the fact that Adal thinks it's a bikini troubles me. I am a mountain. I am a stuffed cloud.

All right, that riddle is not the worst.

A bikini is like pornography. You know it when you see it. You don't. Okay, are you ready for the next riddle?

Yes, please.

This one is called, another great title, a strange collection. At a dinner, a small container is passed around the table, and every guest puts something in it. The contents are then thrown away. What's going on?

What the fuck is going on? This is, everybody puts their phone, this is one of those restaurants where they're like, no phones, you all have to put your phone in the little bag and then you watch stand up.

Do you remember when that was a thing when people would stack their phones on the table so no one could look at them? And then we just haven't been out to group dinners in a year and a half and it's just like that completely left my mind.

Yep. I think it's, you know that when you put your little like hands

My hands are huge!

Erin, that's a great guess. I think I know the answer myself, and I apologize, it differs from your answer. I believe what's happening is that they are eating at church, and of course whenever you eat at church, a lot of churches offer pop-up restaurants or food trucks. When you eat at church, they always pass around. Huge leap, by the way. Leap of faith. They always pass around the collection plates and that's your waiter's tip. And your waiter is always Christ our Lord and Savior. Sorry, Christ our Lord and savor it. Christ our Lord and savor. That's the joke.

Adal, do you want to stretch?

Help me.

I think I am.

When Adal heard that he was supposed to stretch before podcasting, I think that he completely misunderstood what they were asking to do.

More time, more time. More time, more time. Are they all putting little secrets in the box? That's what I thought. That's what I thought when I first read the Riddle as well.

What? What are you doing at dinner?

No, it's not little secrets. And you said a container. Everybody puts something in a container.

Is it a trash thing?

Gum? Uh, Erin, I mean they throw the contents in the trash, so what do you mean when you say, is it a trash thing?

Like, are they throwing like napkins away or like toothpicks or something? What do you use before a meal then you throw it away?

Well, it's not before a meal. It just says, at a dinner, a small container is passed around the table, and every guest puts something in it, the contents are then thrown away. What's going on?

Is it a napkin?

It's not a napkin. You can talk to Gemma. Anytime we go out to eat, I always take out my contacts and hand them to her to throw away, because I want to be surprised.

That's ridiculous. Is it bones? Is it edamame little shells?

Erin, it's not bones. Erin, it's not bones, but you're getting fucking close.

All right, what TV shows like bones?

Castle, I assume.

I don't know. Okay, let's see. Is it something that was inside of the, like, that is an inedible part of the food?

Yes, it is something that is inside of the food that is an inedible part of the food.

The core of an apple.

Oh, olive pits. It is not Olive Pitts, but now we're getting into the realm of like, it could be a lot of these things, like it could be bones or it could be Olive Pitts because all of those things fit, but we're looking for like a specific thing that everyone at the table is eating because it's kind of like the centerpiece of the meal. More specific than Brad... What's inside the food? Brad Pitt's daughter. Okay. Olive Pitt. Olive Pitt. Oh my God. She's a joy. She's just the light of his life. I love their relationship. It's so special. Here we go. So here's some hints. The contents are inedible, but they are not bones or animal parts. They had done something relevant together earlier in the day. This group of people had done something relevant together earlier in the day. And the third hint is they are eating game.

Oh, is it a kebab little skewer?

I ate a toothpick recently and then I was scared I was going to die.

It hurt to drink or eat anything for probably a week because it scraped all the way down my esophagus.

Sure, that's the direction it goes when you eat it. What do you expect when you swallow a mouse's sword?

Yeah, I didn't mean to.

Yeah, a lot of fucking mice and Redwall died in the battle because they did not have that sword to wage war against the Badgers or whatever. Who knows? I'm really sorry.

You're making me feel bad. I already feel bad about it.

I believe I know the answer. Adal. This is along the lines of one of my favorite John Candy movies. What they are removing from the food is a little something called Uncle Buckshot.

Adal, that is correct. They shot some pheasant with buckshot and it lodged in the bird. And then as it cooked, they have little pieces of buckshot that they are taking out, putting in a little container and throwing away. Because Erin, now I know you just had a toothpick, but you cannot, should not eat buckshot.

I have to call my doctor.

Erin, put down those butterfinger BBs. Those are regular BBs coated in chocolate.

All right. Well, why am I eating them?

Hey, that's the fucking question we're all asking. But you know what guys, I can see that the light is leaving your eyes, so we'll set aside the blue book for a second, and instead I will have you do a scene. Erin, we're going to have you do a scene where you are going to Adal. Adal is your doctor. It's just kind of like a general health checkup, a general checkup for once a year. But Erin, you're also going to just be kind of like volunteering some things that you may have health questions about that you have been consuming.

Okay, so x-rays look pretty weird.

Hey, I ate a can of Sprite. I ate a can of Sprite.

Oh boy, you ate a... I'm sorry, you ate a can of Sprite. I have to ask, was it opened?

Uh, nope. I ate a can of Sprite. Filled with Sprite, ate the can, whole thing.

Interesting. Well, interesting, interesting. Well, I'm going to say that that's going to ruin your exit track. I'm trying to use the medical term. You know what an exit track is?

Yeah, but here's the thing though. I was like just following my instincts after that of like, what would a doctor tell me to do? So I ate an entire pillow from West Elm. Which was expensive. And I'm probably going to push this out.

And you're not wrong. A doctor would tell you to do that. Dr. Seuss. But I am a medical doctor.

I'm sneezing feathers, but it might not be from Matt. Because... Yes? I swallowed a bird. But in my defense, I was dared to.

Okay. So this reminds me of last summer when you first came into my offices and you had swallowed a fly. Now, after you swallowed the fly, you had swallowed a frog, then subsequently swallowed a cat.

I don't know until you give a moose a muffin, shit goes down. Okay. I ate a moose and I also ate a muffin in that order.

Okay.

I also swallowed a couple of my cheese.

You have seconds to live.

Okay. I ate a very glamorous woman's hat.

Oh, okay. Was it Diane Wiest?

And I also ate like a cheese that I think was like a couple of days overdue.

Okay. I think that's the least of your problems. I have to be honest.

Which one's the poison? Absinthe or arsenic?

Uh, abstinence and old blades. Well abstinence can't kill you because that's practicing safe sex, the safest of sex. What was the other one?

Are you saving this death of scope for later or can I?

Oh, these are just my headphones, I'm sorry.

I could go for a couple beads.

See? Wow, very good. I'm very concerned with that woman. And by that woman, I mean the woman whose fancy hat was stolen.

You! I'd like my hat back please. I'm going to the theater.

Speaking of fancy hats, Adal, you happen to be wearing a hat, and you are our fanciest friend. Do you have anything in your life that you would like to or are willing to plug?

Yes, I'd like to plug the Ritz Carlton, an excellent stay for $850 a night. Also, I think I mentioned it last week, but in case I didn't, I'll mention it again. Please check me out on the new podcast by my friend Jeff Griggs, bullshit alert. It's almost like a British panel show where people are telling stories and they could be false, they could be true, and Jeff has to figure out who's telling what. So please check out Bullshit Alert. And I'm sure you're both very welcome as guests because I believe him and Jeannie listen to Hey Riddle Riddle.

She was my first improv teacher in Chicago and he was amazing.

He's a goddamn delight. I also love Jeannie. The other thing, Jeannie is absolutely, she's mean, she's so mean.

No she's not, we didn't escape from with her and all I wanted to do was do bits with her and I couldn't.

Hey Erin, if she's nothing what is her name rhyme with meaty?

No she's not a meaty, her name is Jeannie, she's not a meaty.

She is the Chrissy Teigen of improv. And then the last thing I want to plug is the other day Gemma was out of town on a trip and I watched, in 36 hours, I watched three full seasons of Yellowstone. So if you want to watch a good show that is one of the most bingeable shows I've ever seen, watch Yellowstone. Wow. Very good.

JPC, is there anything you'd like to plug? Just the normal stuff. I'm over at Twitch doing video games pretty much every day of the weekday. Twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman. Stop by, say hi, it's fun. Erin, anything that you would like to plug?

I'd like to plug Not Learning Any New Words. It's awesome. You're old enough. You don't need any more. I'd also love to plug the podcast, Improv Is Dead, The Tim Lines, Dan White podcast. I listened to TJ's episode recently and I cried laughing.

I just talked to Tim, my old roommate, who is the co-host of that show. This is the perfect time to plug it because they, as of releasing this episode, have just gone away month long hiatus.

Yeah, but you know what? You have a great back catalog to listen to. I'm a huge fan of it. It makes me laugh out loud. So please check it out.

Very funny, very funny. Speaking of not very funny, Jeannie once said something so rude to me that I cried. Again, she's just the meanest person. She's not a delight and a sweetheart and the kindest person. Erin, you were there. She told me I could go fuck myself off to... Heaven. No. That also doesn't make it nice.

Hey, heaven.

Fuck off to heaven. Bye forever.

What's the word? What's the word? What? Her snickety?

Her loined. Her loined.

It's already gone. Bye Jupiter. It's already gone.

Hey there coffee and bagels. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. Erin moved out to LA and it's time for her to make some brand new friends. You can listen to that episode plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there! That was a head gum podcast.