Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Well hey there JPC, hey there Erin. Why don't you rustle up some stumps and sit down for a spell.

Alright, this is fun.

Okay, yeah, I do want to sit on a stump right now.

It's been a while since I've seen you two. Of course, I'm the self-care cowboy and I'm here to tell you about something that's going to provide you a little self-care. Hold on Lassie. Let me lasso you up here. We're into it. We're into it.

I love it.

Yeah, we got it. Okay. Well, self-care cowboy wants to tell you about a little thing called headspace. Wouldn't it be great if there's a pocket-sized guide that helps you sleep, focus, act, and be better? Well, there is.

There would, self-care cowboy!

Well get along little doggy, and if you have 10 minutes, Headspace can change your life.

Yeah! Headspace is an app on a phone, self-care cowboy.

So can you describe what a phone is? It's some sort of future paper is all I know. Okay. But what Headspace is, is what I'm here to talk about, is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app. Now I assume app is short for appetizer. It's not. Let me give you some hush puppies here. Oh good. And I got to tell you, I can't stress enough, whatever the situation, Headspace can really help you feel better. Are you overwhelmed? Did all your cattle get in some brushes and bristles and thorns? Headspace has a three minute SOS meditation for you. Hey, you're next to a campfire and the cowboy next to you can't stop farting? You need some help falling asleep? Headspace has wind down sessions for their members. For the members that they swear by. And of course, cowboys swear a lot, so apologies if I swear. And for parents, which if you have any youngins, this is for you, Headspace even has morning meditations you can do with your little ones. Oh my gosh.

At Self Care Cowboy, I use Headspace for the night meditations. It really helps me fall asleep. It made a huge difference. I feel like my whole life has been leading up to Self Care Cowboy. I'm so happy.

Well I spur you on to get Headspace because you deserve to feel happier and Headspace's meditation made simple. Simple for a cowpoke like me. Sure. Go to Headspace.com slash Riddle. That's Headspace.com slash Riddle for a free one month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to Headspace.com slash Riddle today.

In self-care cowboy, you keep telling us to head to headspace.com slash Riddle. What could that possibly mean to you?

Well, I assume that's heading towards the sunset, riding into the future. Oh boy. Let me take out my guitar.

Self-care cowboy, no!

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, then we're going to finish. It was the captain of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream. Adal Rifai!

If you believe they put a mom into space, a mom into space. Well, Andy, did you hear about this one?

Three dickheads have a podcast and that's something that they do on the regular. Andy, they're doing lots of riddles and singing a song.

Okay, so I went and they didn't have any chocolate ice cream, so I got you both a doughnut. Nothing.

Nothing. We were doing nothing. Slam door. Slam computer. Slam computer door. Slam fingers into crotch. Ow.

Ow!

I just slammed fingers into crotch. Erin, we decided we're going to shoot you in a space. And you're a mom now.

Congratulations. Okay.

And we wrote an original song to commemorate it.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to be Adal Rifai. I refuse to be JPC.

And I'll be Erin, but only for now.

Say it. Yes. Alright, so I went and they don't have any. And you went to Meineke for ice cream and they were out?

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that weird?

Try Jiffy Lube. We're Hey Riddle Riddle. We are a riddle podcast and we're going to be trying to solve some lateral thinking problems, some puzzles, some riddles, some whodunnits, some thinkers, and some funkers. And we're going to be doing some improv along the way if this is your first time. Take a seat. Your mom and I are getting a divorce.

Uh-oh. JBC, are you cool? Are you good?

What'd you say?

JBC, are you cool? Are you good?

Are you doing okay? What do I not know? Great.

Adal, are you cool? Are you good? Are you doing okay?

Can't do a quick check. Fingers, check, toes. Awful.

Adal, you seem like you're doing great. I'm doing great. Let's do some riddles.

Wait, what is happening? Am I... Is this...

No, we're not gonna fuck around for 16 minutes today. We're just gonna get right into it.

Why not? You just woke up from a semi colonoscopy.

I have a run on colon.

Erin, we're not gonna fuck around. What are we gonna do?

We're gonna do some riddles.

Oh, okay. We're just gonna do riddles like that? Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

I'm trying to mix things up, shock the system.

Our first Riddles... How will people know if I've tried a new peanut butter this week or something?

No one's gonna fucking know! JPC maybe tried a new peanut butter. Adal's watching this new TV show. He's really enjoying it.

It's called Porn. It's great.

Erin cried and made buttered noodles. Nobody cares. Let's do some riddles. Okay. Our first riddles come from Sam Baum. Thank you, Sam, for sending these riddles. Sam says, I wrote some riddles for my mom's fifth grade class and I thought they might be good for some easy warming up. I know JPC is a fan of rhyming riddles, so I hope he enjoys these.

Wait, Erin, nice. We're not even gonna, like, riff on their name. Their name is, like, Sam Mom? We're... Bomb. Can I make a pun?

As in bomb.com? Yeah, we're not even gonna make any sort of jokes. We're just gonna do riddles. Are you okay? Seems like this is really surprising you guys.

But I thought to talk about our week and bullshit and start riddles at, like, minute 28 right before the break.

I am quite small.

I am quite small. I can fit in and am your palm.

But please do be careful with me, for when I split, I become a bomb.

No, I am bad. I am... This ain't the bullshit we're trying to avoid. We're trying to avoid this bullshit.

Okay. So something, something, body, ody, ody, something splits, whatever.

I am quite small. I am body all. I can fit in and am your palm. But please do be careful with me for when I split, I become a bomb.

Okay.

Is it a coconut?

I know the... Okay, Adal, I gotta see a scene. I gotta see a scene. In this scene, you and Erin are both going to be members of the Elite Bomb Squad. You have been sent to dispatch and destroy a bomb that is going off. Adal, you have found a coconut and you are convinced that that is the bomb. Erin, you definitely want to keep looking because you don't quite think that that is the bomb.

Oh man, I can't believe this is my last day on the job until I retire with my beautiful wife and children. I hope nothing bad happens to me.

You're 32. You're retiring? What is your side hustle? Teach me the secret.

I got a little Etsy shop, but I've been working since I was like 15. Been pretty smart financially.

I almost die every day. I'm 47. And I'm missing almost all my fingers.

Yeah, I mean, I hope nothing bad happens to you already today.

Wait.

Careful. Wait, you see it? Okay.

Stephanie, careful. Oh my God, look at it. Oh my God, look at it. It's covered in like a hair. It's like a fiber. Oh, these bomb makers are getting so smart.

Kind of looks like a coconut drink. I can see a little crazy straw coming out of it. A little pineapple on the side.

Oh, yeah, that's the fuse. Crazy straw. That's the fuse. Hey, welcome to Jamba Juice. How can I help you guys? Hold on.

Stop. Stop.

You have a bomb on the counter. Now let me... This neon green fuse, it starts and has some crimps in it. Sir, sir, please don't reach over the plastic shield. The plastic shield is there for your protection. Sir, have you ever seen Hurt Locker?

Catherine Bigelow, sir. Catherine Bigelow, sir.

Jeremy Renish, problematic. I avoid all of his work.

Katherine Bigelow, take a step back.

I know, it's like a woman director, obviously I want to support that, but Jeremy Renner, and it's just like, I feel conflicted, I've never seen the movie, I've never seen the movie!

Okay, I'm gonna put- She was married to what's-his-name, Avatar Bitch.

James Cameron, James Cameron.

Yup, Avatar Bitch.

I'm gonna put my lips on the fuse here, and I'm gonna suck out the bomb juice, okay?

Now as I suck- But what about your family?

I told you, I got divorced.

Oh shit, okay then, you can, you're right, go ahead.

Cause I can't-

Oh, gross. No, we're just gonna beat that up. Guys, Adal said something disgusting. We're gonna just- I tried to- This is all beeped out. This is all beeped out. Okay, let me- It's all beeped out.

Oh, sir. I have to charge you for that now. I mean, I have- You just- That first saving your life?

He just saved your freaking life.

This happens all the time. Oh, the bomb has a little umbrella.

Scene. Okay, new rule today, everyone in every scene we do, someone has to do a walk-on and say, hi, welcome to Jamba Juice. How can I help you in every scene? Every scene today, someone has to say, hi, welcome to Jamba Juice.

Also, Erin, you should open up a flower arrangement store called Ka-bloom.

Wow. Oh God. And it's just like, it's just flower explosions. That's a cool motif.

I love it.

Okay. What's the answer?

And that's one of my favorite rappers is Cool Motif. I was going to say that's one of my favorite rappers, Cool Motif. Adal. Erin, James C and I are the same person.

No more bullshit. No bullshit today. You promise. No bullshit. Focus. What's the answer to this riddle? Boys.

It says I am a palm. I know the answer, Erin, and so I- You can't be with it.

No. I got stuff I want to get to. It's an atom. Great riddles. Yes.

It's an atom.

It's an atom. Damn it.

You got it. How is it a palm? Like it makes up everything?

Your palm is made up of little atoms.

They're so small. They're atomized. Atom and Eve. Atomization. Kind of like life under capitalism, huh? Marx, chapter three, verse two.

All right. This one is related to that one. Are you ready?

Okay.

Now take the same name you have found and mix all its letters around. Envision a tower of people with power. Who's home I completely surround.

I'm sorry, does this guy think that Adam is spelled A-D-A-M? No! Okay. Good.

Good. That would be... Hey, how was the new peanut butter you tried? Doesn't matter. Don't answer that.

Erin, this is the whole thing I like to call Sandra Bullock's hit movie, Moat Float Speed.

Yep. It's a moat. Sandra Bullock's hit movie, The Blind Side.

I want to see a scene. The two of you are knights. You are trying to storm a castle to take it over. You have come upon a moat, except there is no drawbridge at all. It's a pretty steep drop and there's alligators in the basin of the moat.

My lord, I've just come back from the battlefield. It looks like the castle is near impregnable.

Ew, what? Ew, you're trying to get this castle pregnant. You said you're done doing that, sir.

Oh, yeah, I'm meeting with someone twice a week. They're helping me through it, but it's a process, so it's not like an immediate switch.

You haven't even sent the money to the last castle you got pregnant.

First of all, first of all, We're still waiting on the DNA test to come through, because we don't know. We don't know when we know.

Who else is fucking these castles?

That's what I'm saying. Who else are you? Because I smelled. It doesn't smell like my horse at that drawbridge.

Excuse me. Sorry. I'll see you on the other side. I'm on the castle side if you give a gander.

Welcome to Jamba Juice. It's a new idea I have. I've taken various fruits and vegetables that I found around the castle. And I've made some sort of smoothies.

I'll take a smoothie, but first guard your castle. This man's gonna love it and fuck it.

Hold on, I don't even know if it's even a castle I'm interested in yet.

You said it was impregnable. You won't get the castle pregnant.

Did you also say that the last castle that you got unpregnant, that you didn't even get a D&D test?

Well, you got a really good hearing up there, don't you? I guess my voice just carries straight up to that buttress.

I would like a strawberry and banana smoothie, please. Strawberry and banana?

What are those?

What do you mean, what do you mean, what are those?

What do you mean, what do you mean, what do you mean?

Here's the flavors I have. Potato. Ew. End of list.

No!

My lord, my lord, where you've been distracting the wizard who lives in the castle, I've found that the castle has a back door, and it looks like a back door that I could come inside pretty easily.

Uh-oh. First of all, you've given him awful lots of credit for being a wizard. He's just making drinks. Anyone could make juice and smoothies.

Oh, I don't believe anyone could. He obviously uses some sort of witchcraft or wizardry to blend the two concepts of food and potato together.

Okay, let me put a potato in my mouth and chew while gargling milk.

Definitely a wizard. Definitely a wizard.

Wait, look, behind you. Excuse me, I'm a half-castle half-man and I think you might be my father. My mouth is a drawbridge. My blood is a mouth. My eyes are flat from the top of the castle. My arms a regular human man's arms.

I'm gonna do the right thing and I'm gonna raise you as my own. I know it's gonna be hard but especially as a single dad who has a very dangerous job storming castles but it's you and me now. Do you have a name son?

Storming castles, but I'm a castle.

Scene.

What was that scene about? Welcome to Jamba Juice.

One of my favorite scenes of all time now.

My mouth is a drawbridge. So stupid. Okay.

Phenomenal. What wasn't it about, huh? You know what I'm saying? What wasn't it about? You know what I'm saying?

Politics. I give and take an equal amount. How quickly I do so is easy to count. Over your soul I do not reign, but the purpose I serve is in the same vein. What am I?

Needle.

I take an equal amount. How quickly I do so is easy to count. Over your soul I do not reign but the purpose I serve is in the same vein.

Erin, it's a needle. You can draw blood. You can push in medicine. It's easy to count because the milligrams is on the lines. It's in the same vein that goes into your vein. It's a needle.

No.

Is it money? No. Is it coins?

No. Because if we weren't talking about interest or finance, then you could just give them to take an equal amount, you know? Damn girl, you finance.

Dude, you're so smart financially. I bet you can retire at 32.

From your little Etsy shop.

I give and I take an equal amount. How quickly I do so is easy to count. Oh, oh, oh, a kiss. Over your soul, I do not reign, but the purpose I serve is in the same vein.

Every smooch begins with mouth. What's the... Smooch. What is the... My tongue is a carpet. What is the... Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know it. I know it. Yes. Erin, is it an hourglass?

No.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

I'm sorry, I was getting a delivery.

I was ordering a juice from Jamba Juice. Fuck you!

I want the fuck you. Okay, so that's olive, pineapple, kale.

Do you want a B pollen shot in that?

Oh yeah, that's what I say in church. And also fuck you, and also fuck you.

Can I ever do the A pollen actually? I'll actually take the S to your pollen, please.

Oh, negative pollen. Erin, what was the part about soul, about hovering over your soul or something?

Over your soul I do not reign, but the purpose I serve is in the same vein.

Over your soul I do not reign. So is this soul of a shoe? No.

Think of something that is like a real thing. And then also you say it's also like your emotional center.

Oh, um, your emotional center. Heart.

Is this your heart? It's a heart. Give and take. Pumping blood, aortis, veins, capillaries.

Needle is better.

You got it.

Hourglass also works.

Oh, also I want to plug Casey Tony, our editor and sound engineer, does a wonderful podcast called Needlescum. Check it out.

Yeah, you can find that anywhere that you can find find books and automobiles.

I said no bullshit today Adal. Spray, spray, spray. Adal, no bullshit today. Hey, no.

What's in that bottle? It's delicious.

Jamba Juice. Now shut up.

A spray bottle full of Jamba Juice just fucking ruined.

Hey! Hey!

Thanks for watching my cat. If he acts up spraying with Jamba Juice. Is that Olive and Kale? What the fuck is this?

Hey! No bullshit today. Okay. Nobody's sure if we exist. Or of plasma, of bedsheets. Sorry, I have to sneeze.

I have to sneeze. Ooh, this all stays in.

We have a sweet break.

Nobody's sure if we exist or if plasma or bed sheets our bodies consist.

Ghosts.

But more people feel that if we are real to an army of evil, we would enlist.

Ghosts.

Ghosts. I would like to see a scene. You are ghosts after a long day. You're married and you're both like a little frustrated that people always assume you're spooky and evil, but you're just like nice ghosts.

Honey, I'm Boo.

I'm sorry. I'm Boo here. I'm in the living boom. What's for Boo? What's for Boo? I thought we might just heat up some ectoplasm like we do every night, honestly. Honestly, we don't even need to eat, so if we don't want to go through the whole Rick and Riddle... Hey, welcome to Jamba Juice.

What can I get you?

Can I get a booster wheatgrass shot?

Can I get a booberry?

Can I ask you something?

Why do you keep recoiling whenever we approach the counter?

Um, you're just, you're just a spooky Victorian ghost. Um, it looked like you perhaps got beheaded and there's some blood dripping. Uh, scary.

I actually, I died in 2017. I, I just dressed like this.

Oh, weird.

Oh yeah, people weren't into it when I was alive. It wasn't a fashion trend or anything. It was just a specific... I make all these clothes.

I made all these clothes. I was beheaded in 1987. That's why I'm wearing these Zubaz pants and this tie-dye color shirt. I was beheaded during breakdancing.

He says beheaded.

He was breakdancing on a construction site at night, so it was... I was spinning on my head and the weight of my body was too much that it fell to this height and my head came clean off. Yeah, it wasn't like nobody beheaded him.

And your wheatgrass booster.

Just so you know. Ghosts, we're just the outline of humans. One day you'll be a ghost and you'll be frustrated when people recoil.

I don't think so.

Yes.

I think I'm going to heaven.

Wait, what? We're not getting into heaven? Sweetie, we're not getting into heaven?

No, no, no. We're definitely getting into heaven. You just do this first, right?

No, I mean, also there's a 20-year age difference between your deaths. That's a little...

In Ghost Age is just a number.

Oh, of course you would say that, weirdo. Disgusting.

Honey, where's our dog? Come to think of it.

Oh, wait.

It never became a ghost.

If our dog died and all dogs go to heaven, then we're ghosts on earth and... Oh my god. Our dog must be in heaven, which means we're not in heaven, which means we're still stuck. Wait a second, look around at us. We're in a Jamba boost. We've been coming in here over and over again, continuously ordering juice that doesn't taste like anything.

We must be in... heaven.

I love it here. What were you saying?

Welcome to Jamba Boos. Alright.

I love it here. This isn't hell to me at all. I actually am having a great time.

Okay. Yep. I cannot get you in trouble unless I am bad and with me you agree.

Michael Jackson.

And if I'm not put in a bubble, you cannot hear or see me.

If I'm not putting a bubble, you cannot hear or see me. This is going to be Glenda, the good bitch.

This is going to be... Don't you show up in a bubble? Yeah. I want to see a scene. I think Gungans. Gungans are living bubbles.

I want to see somebody dress up as Glenda the Good Gungan. I want to see a scene. JPC, you have somehow arrived in the town, the township, the village of Oz. City even. Erin, you are Glenda the Good Witch. You arrive in a bubble, and as you arrive to welcome JPC, you realize you can't get out.

Hello and welcome to Oh God the Wind. Help. Help the wind.

What?

Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. Oh no.

I'm just a fireman. I'm upside down. I fell asleep in the barn. What's going on?

Oh God no she's to my head. Oh gosh.

I don't know. Ma'am how do I help you? I don't know how to help you. That whole bubble is covered.

Oh God, look, you just blow up in me and I'm blah and blah.

Oh, I don't know that I want to open the bubble now because I don't know if I want to. Here, hold on.

Oh, I'm upside down, Rifai. Let me get a stick. Welcome to our place. Hold on. Let me get a stick. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. If I may have your attention. Follow the Jamba Juice Road. Follow the Jamba Juice Road. Don't listen to him.

I just blah. I'll poke you with a stick.

Maybe this'll help.

I feel the bubble. It went right through.

I got you right in the eye. Oh boy. Hey, you're not helping either, motherfucker. Jamba Juice Road, like help me with this situation.

What am I supposed to do? I'm just a cowardly lion.

I don't know. I mean, I just woke up here. Scene. I think I don't know if I don't know if this exists but I would love to go and be at like a Broadway musical and just have one of the stars get violently ill in the middle of the musical so it's like too late to swap them out of the scene I think that would be such like what musical would that be the funniest in Hi Riddle.

Okay, also there's so much dancing. So to have them have to dance. I would love to have this ram-chum sugar. If you put me in a flat, then I'm much good for a house. If you put me in a house.

I don't want to see a human being experiencing to be physically ill. I think that that's not a nice thing to experience, but if it had to experience, I would love to bear witness to it. I would love to be like, yeah, I just watched one of the backup dancers and cats just projectile vomit and everyone had to keep going.

I wanted to be the train cat or Rum Tum Tugger just vomiting everywhere.

So there's a thing with show business, right? Or with a musical or Broadway performance that the show must go on, right? So if something happens, like generally speaking, the show must go on. But that, like, where does the show must go on stop? Like, if someone's seriously hurt, I think that's the point where it stops and it's like, no, no, no, you have to, like, you have to take care of someone. If they have, like, a heart attack, you have to take care of someone. But if someone just, like, is vomiting, that doesn't necessarily feel like stop the show territory.

No, you pause it, the curtain closes, and then the stand by is up. Yeah.

If someone else goes out, they finish the song. The show must go on, the throw must go up. I think I told you guys this before, but I'll be very quick about it. There was a world news show once where in the middle of a scene, an audience member ran across the stage. They ran through the scene between the actors, on stage, covering their mouth with their fingers, and started to projectile vomit to where it sprayed from between their fingers, which gave it more velocity and more spread. So it got everywhere. They get to the bathroom. There's just spray of vomit in a big puddle in the middle of the stage. The scene is still going, and I think Matt Young just came on with a fake mop and was like, clean up in aisle two, five minutes of laughter, and while the audience is laughing their brains out, an intern came and cleaned it up. It was the wildest thing I've ever seen.

God, what a fucking nightmare for that intern.

I know. And I'll just drop this in right here for Casey to put this in later. If you have a problem with vomit, skip forward five minutes. Erin, no more dicking around.

Yeah, I'm spray, spray, spray, Jamba Juice spray. Casey said a funny joke of, I'm sorry I was so sick, as if he was the one he threw up. Okay, what is the answer? I cannot get you in trouble unless I am bad and with me you agree, but if I am not put in a bubble, you cannot hear or see me.

When you say in a bubble, a scantron. Don't you fill in a bubble on like a scantron thing? If I'm not?

Oh, it's a thought.

Yeah.

You're the fucking worst.

Have you thought of that thought you think you would think of when disaster is what the world's on the brink of? Brains are what I'd want and think in that blink of an eye as they're what I crave in Houston.

Okay. I want to see a scene. Sorry. I want to see a scene. Of course. Erin, here's what's going on. You are dining alone. No, you'll dine with me. So you and I are eating and you are looking at a menu. While you're looking at the menu, you start to have really random intrusive thoughts played by JPC. And that'll be the scene.

Ooh, honey, lobster. That's not bad. That's not a bad idea. Happy anniversary, by the way.

Yes, of course. Yeah, whatever you want. Happy anniversary. I love you so much. Whatever you want, because you're paying.

Whatever you want. Well, you're paying. Well, because you're paying. We're fun. We have fun still.

Well, give it a thought. Look over at the menu. Give it a thought.

Order the lobster. Order the lobster. Ask for no sauce, no butter. You want dry lobster. Dry lobster. And ask for a big glass of water for dipping.

Honey, where'd you go? Where'd you go? You're staring at the window.

This again? I was telling you, I'd like to renew our vows because I feel like you don't love me anymore. And I want to validate my fears. Dry lobster dip in water.

Look at the mushroom caps. Ooh, they have mushroom caps on here, which means they could deep fry all kinds of different caps. You could ask for the cap slot key on a keyboard. You could ask for a baseball hat.

See what they can put in the fryer. Eat some hat. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Jamba Juice. I'll be your waiter.

Can I have a hat, a glass of water, and the driest lobster you have?

Well, we do have a British lobster. Now that's going to be pretty dry.

I want a divorce.

For me?

Sorry. Sorry.

Where did, where did you go while you were ordering?

Sorry.

Honey, honey, what's wrong?

Sorry. Sorry, my brain just, I'm having a hard time focusing.

Here, look at the dessert menu. Maybe just, maybe we'll get a sweet and we'll leave.

Do you want a divorce?

Oh, look at that. Chocolate volcano cake. Joe versus the volcano. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks, did he really have COVID? Who knows? And what's with Chet Hanks, huh? Yeah. Uh, White Boy Summer, is that still a thing? You should look, you should just say, you should say White Boy Summer right now while making unbreaking eye contact with the waiter.

Would you like to go on a date with me after my divorce?

Honey, who are you talking to? We're driving home. You've been spaced out for two hours.

Fuck.

Scene.

All right.

Let's get that riddle again.

Okay.

Yeah, I think we got it in one, but we may need to hear it one more time.

Yeah, I know. Have you thought of that? Well, go ahead.

Can I just say, I think JPC and I are doing a wonderful job of staying true to the idea that every scene must have somebody say, welcome to Jamba Juice.

Yeah, I think you're doing a good job. You are mentioning some bullshit. So, so far, you're on thin ice. Oh, well, thank you so much.

I love being on today's.

No, you don't. Have you thought of that thought that you think you would think of when disaster is what the world's on the brink of? Brains are what I'd want and think in that blink of an eye as they're what I crave and you stink of.

I'm going to do it, what is it, 150 something episodes? I very rarely do this, but I'm going to use my pass. I'm going to pass on this one.

No, you can't. You only get one pass per entire podcast.

I'm going to do the phone a friend. Erin, can I use my phone a friend?

Okay. If you call me, if I look down at my phone and I'm getting a call from you.

Sorry, Erin, can you shut up? My phone's ringing. It's Louie Anderson. It's ringing. It's ringing.

You're going to say, it's Louie Anderson, and you're not going to do the Louie Anderson.

Ah, he didn't pick up. Well, Erin, I'm going to answer it.

So that's that. Thank you, Sam.

Thank you, Sam.

Sam Baum for those incredible riddles. We really appreciate it. And then we're going to take a quick break to eat some braids and then we'll do more riddles.

Welcome to Jamba Juice. Would you like some braids? Hoo Hoo, I'm the SleepOwl, and I'm here to talk about healing sleep. Oh hi SleepOwl, yeah hi, it's me Adal, me and my friend JPC are having a sleepover and we can't fall asleep.

Well, we told too many spooky stories.

I'm Plus mattresses for plus size folks.

Wow, that all sounds amazing, SleepOwl. Is there a way that we could sleep in your bed tonight? Because we're so scared and you're awake.

Yeah, don't be weird, but you know what I will tell you.

Sure.

You don't even have to take SleepOwl's word for it. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine.

Wait, you can read?

Mm-hmm, and they have a 10-year warranty and you can try it up to a hundred nights or days if you're an owl risk-free They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will I'm the sleep owl I know Well, can you turn your head all the way around? Yeah, check this out. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle, take their two minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Erin has one. Adal has one. They can't shut up about it all the time. And I'm a sleep owl. Helix is offering $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows to the Hey Riddle Riddle listeners. Unbelievable. At helixsleep.com slash riddle. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. Whoo.

I'll be honest, I'm terrified at that owl.

Hello, my name is BetterHelpAstronaut, and I'm here to show you around the spaceship, I guess. Let me know if you have any questions. I do want to let you know when you're in space, things get a little out of control. So I want to let you know immediately about one of our paid sponsors here in the spacecraft, which is BetterHelp. Now, BetterHelp is not a crisis line. It's not self-help, but it is professional counseling done securely online.

So Tang, I'll have some Tang.

Oh great, let me just here dump some powder on the table. Go nuts.

That sounds really interesting to me and this kind of therapy works really really well for me because I can send a message to my counselor anytime from all over the world and they're going to be convenient, professional, and affordable and most importantly, confidential.

That's right, and it's all without ever having to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. Now you're in space baby, you can float while chatting.

And since we spend all our money going to space, it's also more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available. Oh, but the service is only available to clients worldwide, so maybe we don't want to go completely out of orbit. We want to stay in the world basically so we can still access the service.

If possible, but I'm sure they're flexible, there's licensed professional counselors who are specialized in depression, stress, anxiety, space, relationships, planets, sleeping, trauma, aliens, anger, family conflicts, LGBT matters, grief, self-esteem, and astronaut ice cream. Ooh! And anything that we share is completely confidential? Mm-hmm. I'ma need more Tang. I want you two to start living a happier life today in space. As a listener of me talking, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash riddle. Join over 1 million citizens of the galaxy who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle to infinity. And then stop.

And don't say anything.

What?

Hi, I'm not home right now, but this is Family Feud former host Yui Anderson. Please leave a message after the top 5 issues on your boards.

Hi Louis, this is Jamba Juice. I just wanted to say welcome and seen.

I'm so proud of you both because Sam was very obviously trying to set us up. To do a Lorax scene, which we haven't done in maybe a hundred episodes. And no one fell for it. No one took the bait and no one called for it. And I'm pleased as piss-punch.

Oh, are you pissed? Oh, because your legs are crossed. You're facing away from us. You're drinking a tea and you look kind of passive aggressive and angry at us.

This is a new stretch I saw about on YouTube. Oh, you saw about it on YouTube? You're wearing your penis as a tie.

Well, maybe at the end of the episode, we'll deserve a little Lorax.

Maybe we'll... If we're good and we eat all of our vegetable riddles. Oh, JBC, speaking of, which Lorax did you get? Did you get the Pfizer or the... Hey, stop.

No bullshit spray, spray, spray. Perfect. Ready? These are from Christine. You can use my name. Thanks, Christine. I appreciate it.

The haunted car?

No.

Wait, I can use Christine's name. Hold on. Creditcard.com. Apply, apply, apply, apply.

I'm an artist.

Charge it to Christine.

I wrote some beautiful compliments to us, which I will read to you after. And then... After what?

After we die?

After you die, for sure. Christine says, I'm from Nottingham, England, and I know how much you love cracking out those British accents.

Ooh, Nottingham, Julia Roberts.

That's Notting Hill.

We already kind of did that this episode too, just FYI.

I know. So I thought we could play a game. I'll write a list of old English words and perhaps through logic and lateral thinking you could see if you can translate them into modern day English. That sound fun? Let's see. And I love these. I think that it's going to be really fun.

Erin, do you think I want to fucking add an E onto the word old and play this fucking game? The Brits had it wrong. Americans invented English. That's why it's called English.

We invented nothing.

Erin, I'll say this. Won the opera with the short of Sotra, the drought of March has pared to the rota, and bothered every vine and swished liqueur of which for two engendered is the floor.

Canterbury tail leaves. Is that from Cats?

It's from Cats. That's a Rum Tum Tugger song.

That's written on every Canterbury egg.

The first word is a Victorian word from sometime between 1836 and 1901, and it's bow wow mutton. Wait, what's the game? Translate that into modern English. What does Bow Wow Mutton mean?

Can I just say, I love that professors, I assume, saw this word or phrase and went, this is clearly from somewhere between 1902 and 1836. Bow Wow Mutton. Bow Wow Mutton.

So modern English Bow Wow Mutton would be, I believe, Shad Moss facial hair. Bow Wow's name is Shad Moss, right?

I think that Bow Wow Mutton would translate to dog meat. It just says stinking dog meat. Oh yeah, dog meat.

Well, you're not totally off.

That makes sense.

It's a mysterious meat eaten on chips so ambiguous it could even be dog meat. So you nailed it.

So I was dead on.

I said dog meat. So ambiguous that it could even be dog meat. That makes it sound like dog meat is the best possible meat that this would be. The highest quality that this would be is dog.

Well, that's where the expression comes eaten high on the dog. Erin, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're doing here. So you're going to give us a phrase and we have to figure out what the phrase meant or we have to... Okay.

Yeah, you translate it into modern English.

I see it.

Here's the next one. It's another Victorian word. It's butter up the bacon.

Butter up the bacon. Now this is a Victoria Beckham saying.

Yes. Butter up the bacon means to flirt with me. I'm a little pig and you got to butter me up.

What this means is, let's say you're on the set of Hollow Man and Kevin just isn't giving it to you. You're his co-star. It's supposed to be very scary. He's just not bringing it. This is when director calls Cut and says, hey, we'll take a five. You say, oh my God, such an honor to be working with you. You're an absolute legend. You're doing so well. Do you need anything from me? Is there anything that I could be doing? His ego goes straight to his head. Director calls action and boom, you got hollow man, my friend.

His ego goes straight to his head. Boom, aneurysm. Kevin Bacon, can I just say your wife is amazing.

Butter up the bacon. Here's the trick.

I'm going to say butter up the bacon, I'm going to say translates almost to like putting a hat on a hat. Like buttering up bacon. Bacon is already so rich and so full of like fat and grease that to put butter on it is overkill. So I'm going to say that buttering up the bacon is like overkill or hat on a hat.

Yeah. It's like having two guys on a podcast who wear hats and have beards. What I think we're buttering up the bacon.

So one of us must go.

Yeah.

What I think butter up the bacon means is it's like in the parlance of the time, it means like, let's get the boys together. So, you know, it's like it's Sunday. You're about to go like the big game starting. You're going to go tailgating. What are you saying?

Saturdays are for the boys.

That's butter up the bacon every bone. And then you all head off to do like the day's activities. Mm hmm. Buttering up the bacon.

Guy Stuff. Guy Stuff in England. We're doing Guy Stuff. We're having a day. Guy Stuff. We're having a great time.

I'm Rum Tum Tucker.

Yes.

Were ye old frat boys were punching a horse? Ye old frat boys.

We're ye old frat boys.

Smithy, please. David Z. Smithy.

We're ye olde frat boys, we're bunching a horse. Ye olde frat boys, felling our courses. Ye olde frat boys, drinking some ale.

We're ye olde frat boys, and we never fail.

Except out of school. Okay, you actually got it right, Adal. It's too much extravagance, like adding lots of butter to bacon.

Hat on a hat. Excuse me?

Cool. I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are ye olde frat boy, and JPC, you are a new pledge. And I would like to see that scene. Thank you so much.

Oi, listen up, pledges. You're about to pledge to medieval, medieval, medieval. The MMMs. It's the most glorious frat in all of 1207. Now, we are in the Dark Ages, so we can still initiate people after the Dark Ages that will cease to be a thing. So, step forward, pledge. What's your name? Oi, my name is Roger. And Roger, how many teeth do you have?

All of them, sir. Five.

How many do you have now?

Six! Thank you, sir! I grew it too far, I did! Oh, right. I'll just split one of my toothed and twine.

Okay, now I'm going to put this crown on your head. And now you're your king of England. Take a bow!

Sir, as soon as I take a bow, is another one of you gents going to come up and slap me on the bottom? No. Then what's the point of bowing? We're going to kick you in the nuts. Oi! Good show sir. Thank you so much for my punishment. Can I be in the club now sir?

No. You have to recite the brand new hit play, Merchant of Venice. Here in 1207.

Excuse me, can you untie me from the torture device that stretches you out? Also, welcome to Jamba Juice. Perfect.

Also, welcome to Jamba Juice.

Marty. Still in use. Marty.

What?

Marty.

Just Marty?

Mm-hmm. Just Marty. Okay, so this is... How do you spell it? M. language of origin Christopher Lloyd Everyone's favorite part of the show is when one of the gang gets Marty when somebody neglects to yes and them So is this where Martin raw comes from this does not mean horny Okay, does it mean on the way to being horny? No? Sorry, I would stop, but I'm on the way to being horny. It was so good to see you though.

I guess I'm Marty, but keep dancing anyway. Do I make you Marty? Do I? It's your kids, Marty. It's not you, it's your kids, Marty. It's your cousin, Marty.

Hey Marty, what do you mean? Get out of here. We don't want you here anymore, Marty.

I do like a word that's not horny, but it's on the way to being horny. Like it's like, it's the half step between like just feeling normal, feeling horny, feeling Marty.

Chris Pye. That's how I feel about Chris Pye. I'm not horny, but I feel like I might be on the way to being horny.

Can you repeat the phrase one more time?

Marty.

Oh, that's it. Marty. The first time you said it, I thought it was like a phrase.

No, Marty.

Marty. So it's just Marty. So I'm going to say that Marty... So Marty Gra... That feels like it would be different. It's not Marty Gra. Marty Gra would be like franchise.

Spelled totally different. M-A-R-D-Y.

I want to Specific creatures or characters, whatever you want to be. Oscar the Grouch has unfortunately died. Somebody nailed down his lid and he couldn't get oxygen. So you are applying to be the new kind of Grouch character, the grumpy character on Sesame Street. And I'll be the auditioner. Come on in, please. Introduce your name. Hello, my name is Ulcer.

All sir. Okay. Very nice. I'm sorry. It's yeah. I it's maybe it's me. Old sir. Oh, old sir. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Okay. Old sir. Okay. Old sir. Oh, is your back hurting you? Do you have any Shasta? Thanks for watching. So, old sir, what are you? What are you?

Well, I mean, obviously I'm a Muppet, which is what we all are. It's kind of a qualification for being here.

Oscar LaGrouche was a famous green monster in a trash can. Can you just describe what your shtick is? So, I guess you want me to describe my, like, shape, my general shape. Yeah, and like what you're inside of.

Basically, okay. Ah, perfect. So I guess the way that you would describe me physically is I look like a bunch of lifesavers that have kind of melted together like in a pocket. And then I have these big googly eyes and big ears on the top of me, basically.

I look like a tubular creature.

Very nice. Go ahead. Oh, and I live inside a stomach. So somebody's stomach.

So I kind of like pop out of the side of somebody's stomach. Okay, so maybe, okay I could see maybe like you live inside Big Bird and every once in a while Big Bird is napping, you burst out of his stomach and you sing a song or something.

I wish. I love to live inside of Big Bird.

Could you sing like just two lines of like a super sad song because you're probably gonna be like grouchy or grumpy so something where you're like angry or annoyed or sad. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Stop. Eating spicy foods. It all comes down to be some day. Stop.

That's good? That's good? You got the job, but we do technically have to bring in this other person. Why don't you stand over here by me. I understand. Stand over here by me. You already have the job. And why don't you just intimidate this next person. Come on in. What's your name?

Hi, I'm Oscar the Anxious and I'm just a hand because I forgot my muppet.

Hi, I'm Susanne.

I forgot my muppet. I'm Oscar the Anxious. I also live in a trash can.

Okay, I see your headshot is just one of those kindergarten turkeys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So you just traced yourself and cut out the car. Yeah.

Okay, interesting, interesting. A little lipstick. Yeah, I'm Oscar the Anxious.

Okay, and what's your thing?

I live in a trash can. I'm super anxious.

Okay, interesting.

Just a hand, because I forgot my muppet, just a hand.

Of course. Yeah, yeah. So maybe, do you mind singing a song? So maybe would, you know, if we did cast you, we're not going to, obviously.

Yeah, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally.

Clearly you're done, but we do have to humor you, legally we have to humor you.

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

So yeah, just sing a little song about I guess whatever someone anxious would sing about, or a hand.

I didn't prepare a song. I didn't know I had to, so I didn't prepare a song.

Don't eat spicy food again to me.

Don't eat spicy food again to me.

Real quick, I would just like to say, I think you're great. Welcome to the Jamba Juice.

Oh, thank you.

Say anything.

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, good one. Good catch, Jamie. That would have been scary.

So close. So close.

I do love saying I didn't prepare a song and then stealing the previous person's song.

Yeah. Put the wood in the hole.

Put the wood in the hole. That, my dear, is fracking.

No.

Oh, I think what Adal meant to say is fracking.

Spray. Spray. This is bullshit. Focus. Put... Oh, you try new... You try new peanut butter? Fucking riddles. Focus. Riddles. Fuck.

Yeah. Put the wood in the hole. Now, okay, you know, this is an old timey thing. Does it have to do with maybe some archery? Yeah? Like getting the bullseye? Putting the wood in the hole?

Yes. Well, no. Oh, yes.

Well, no.

When JP Riddles wants to keep out the cold, he'd say this to one of his raccoons.

Put the wood in the hole. Oh, is this like lighting a fire?

No.

Oh. Keep out the cold, put the wood in the hole. Is this like locking the door or like barring the door?

Yeah, it's closing the door.

Oh, like sealing up gaps. Yeah, yeah.

It's closing the door, which is great.

Okay. This is a scene that we must have done on the show a thousand times, but I want to see it anyway. You are two commentators commentating on a basketball game. Erin, you're more of like the color commentator and you're only using phrases that like are not at all connected to basketball to describe what's happening. Adal, feel free to just use as much basketball knowledge as you actually have. I know you watch basketball.

Welcome back to the game. I'm Dunk Munster joined here by color commentaryist. Introduce yourself please. First time on the show. We're lucky to have her on TNT. Go ahead and introduce yourself.

Sports McLady. Thank you so much for having me. I can't wait.

That's right Sports Week Lady, and we are here to watch the game between the Denver Nuggets and the Phoenix Suns. Now this is quite a showdown. Nikola Jokic coming off a MVP season. He's going to be the one to look out for.

Speaking of yolk, I cannot wait to watch him put the egg in the basket.

Yes, a phrase I never heard, but of course James Naismith, when he invented it, put it in a peach basket, was how the game was first played. Here comes Chris Paul down the court. Chris Paul, of course, having a tremendous year. Now he's known for his State Farm commercials, but he's also a hell of a player, leading the league in assists and steals as well.

Yep, and he's taking that pumpkin and he's throwing it at the ground mud which is made of wood. And what the thing about that though is that the pennies go down this way. A penny a day saves nine. And what's interesting about that is Ben Franklin invented the bifocals and we can see that on the court today.

Absolutely. So while you're saying that, we did miss a huge 360 dunk by DeAndre Ayton, but I'm sure we can catch up with that later.

We went around the world and back again. Let's see a slow mo of that. And if you can see, I'm going to actually draw on here.

Oh, please don't draw on the TV. That's not what we do. That's not what we do.

He is ruined this way. And he's always a bridesmaid, never a bride. You can tell by this shot, yes. And then it does go in, but we can't tell because the people keep moving.

We can't tell because the people keep moving. You can't draw a circle around someone while the game is live.

The ball went in and it didn't save his marriage. And that's what I always say about this kind of team, this kind of a player.

Now, sporty, sorry, sports. How do you feel about Michael Porter Jr.? Now, a lot of people were worried about his injury season, but since he's come back, he's been a huge boon to the Nuggets. How do you feel?

Absolutely, and what I always say about him, and players like him, is he can't make a mountain out of a knee injury. And you gotta just get up there and you gotta hit it out of the park.

Oh, interesting. And of course, you said that you wanted to mention how the Denver Nuggets got their name. A little tidbit fun fact for the people at home. Go ahead and let everyone know how the Denver Nuggets got their name.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for throwing to me. Everybody get up. It's time to slam now. We've got a real jam going now. Welcome to the space jam. All the team ate nuggets every day to get stronger, to bulk up.

Oh, everyone hold on. There's a super fuckable bunny on the court. Everyone look over there.

Yep, and that is what we call defense. A super fuckable bunny. The coach really seems to be on top of the shit. He's put a super fuckable bunny out there and I'm really, really proud of them, huh?

Huh?

Let's go to our on-court reporter with the news from down there.

Wow, what an amazing play. Sports and Dunk, I believe, were your names. I'll be honest. And what's your name? My name? Peppersaws. Thanks Peppersauce, and we did want to see... Well I do have one more thing to report from down here on the court, and that is, you know, some close-up action of our last play. It looks like Dwight passes it to Kaminsky, he's dribbling in between his legs and, ooh, welcome to Jamba Juice, that's a three-pointer.

And it looks like you're actually in a legal court. You're not on the actual floor for the game, you're in a legal court?

Great point, Dunk. I'm trying to get my kids back.

Got the basket, didn't save his marriage.

Trying to get your kids back, the most American of games.

All right, we got to get through the rest of these quickly, so we're going to move.

Yes.

Fart catcher.

Did you say fart catcher?

1714 to 1830s.

And sorry, you did say fart catcher.

I did. I said it.

Is that what you call somebody's mouth?

Yeah. Ew.

Shut the fuck up.

Is your nose the fart catcher? No.

Fart catcher. How is fart smelled? With an E at the end? Excuse me? How is fart spelled? How is fart spelled? 9-1-1, what's an emergency?

I'm gonna give you a hint.

Okay. Is it the spelling of fart?

Burgundy's relationship to Ethel Mermaid, perhaps. You're a patron. Those are from the Ethel Greatest Party ever.

Is a front catcher a butler?

Yeah, kind of. Footman or valet used to walking a couple of steps behind their master or mistress.

Footman or valet to someone who's extremely abusive. Hey, you fucking fart catcher. Go get me a drink.

All right, ready? Scandalwater. 1714 to 1830s.

So this is a famous TV show set in Atlantis where a woman tries to... I've never seen scandal. I'm sorry. I'm out of references.

Scandalwater is Dasani, which was famously kicked out of England for being tap water. Just tap water. They said, you can't sell this here.

And tap water famously in England was water that danced. So Scandalwater. Is Scandalwater tears? No. Oh, so you got a bit of scandal waters? Did someone break up with you?

Is it salt water? Is it like, oh, you drank the scandal water? Whoa, you're going crazy now.

No, what's the thing you might drink when you're talking about scandals?

Champagne. Wine.

Tea.

Spill the tea.

No. Tea. It's tea. Oh, I actually like it. A lot of the same lines. Spill the water. Spilling the tea. You would drink tea while gossiping. I'd like to see a scene. Sure. The three of us were us. And we're gossiping about each other. And none of it's true while we're drinking tea.

Oh, Erin, Erin, JBC. Erin, JBC, did you hear? Did you hear that JPC got a pet parrot and was teaching it only sexy words?

Yeah, like butt.

Yeah, like butt and party.

And piss. And I heard. Did you hear that? Yeah.

Yeah.

And I heard that the parrot was funnier than him. So JPC told him that he couldn't get a podcast microphone.

That's what I heard.

Wow. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Hey JPC. Hey

I heard that it was a green card marriage and JPC is trying to get legal status in Parrot World.

Did you guys hear about JPC's Canadian Parrot?

Oh no. Super polite. Polly went out with Cracker, please.

Yeah, lived in Vancouver.

Could Polly bother you for Cracker? If not, it's fine.

I actually read an article about JPC's parrot on Squawker that says that it's just a political marriage anyway because that parent is parrot royalty.

You read it on Squawker?

On Squawker. Wow.

Okay, I read on Squawker that JPC didn't even get a prenup.

Ooh, I read on dead parrot spin. Stretch. I read that the parrot's been dead and it's JPC using his hand like a Muppet auditioning.

I read that the only reason that they got married to begin with is so that JPC could in parrot all of that parrot's worldly possessions.

Oh, I heard also that JPC ran a parrot trap where he tried to get the parrot's parents together. Also, welcome to Jamba Juice, what would you like? But anyway, Erin, Erin. Yeah. Do you have any, do you have any scandal water?

Yeah. It's just the piss from JPC's parrot. Welcome to Jamba Juice.

Same. My favorite part of Independence Day is when the aliens land. Will Smith punches an alien and goes, welcome to Jamba Juice.

All right, well, I'm only going to read a couple more of these. I'm going to decide what they are.

Oh, that's great because we only have a couple more minutes.

A bed presser.

Bed presser. That's when you have sex with someone and they're on top. No.

Uh, who a bed presser. I don't know. I'll always think of my little brother who made up the pickup line and I think it was in high school which was, ooh girl, I'm gonna make your bed hurt.

Ew.

Fantastic. A bed presser. So would this be like a laundrette? Like would this be a bed presser? Oh, I'm sorry. Is this someone who's like lazy?

Yeah.

Yeah, they just sit around and play his lay in bed all day. I want to see the same. I want to see a scene. The two of you are... I assume you both have seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Multiple times. Okay. The two of you are a set of grandparents in that bed. You know how those grandparents just lay in bed all over? So you're the last two remaining grandparents. You're not one of the ones who got to go on the tour with Charlie. You're not that grandpa and grandma. So you're just laying in bed trying to figure shit out and you're kind of bitter because of Charlie took the other grandpa.

Good morning.

Good morning. Are you done with that section of the paper yet?

Yeah, I guess I'm done with the section of the paper.

Okay. Well, you know, it's polite, if you're going to do the Sudoku, to do it in pencil. Because other grandpas in the bed would like to do the Sudoku as well.

It's polite to not fart all night long when you're sharing a bed.

No, incorrect, incorrect. When you're asleep and you fart, you cannot be blamed for that. Because you have no control.

You and I both know you were not asleep. Was I making big, oh shoot, oh shoot. Sounds? Because then I was asleep. No.

Fine. Fine. I was awake. I was awake because my big thoughts were keeping me up all night.

Is that what you want to hear?

But you know what? It's kind of hard to sleep when someone's foot is in your crotch just kicking. Kicking. Kicking. Kicking. What's the rule? Keep your feet on the other side of the legs.

Okay, I am kicking your crotch in my dream and then I'm sleeping acting kicking you in the crotch. I also want to say I'm a little pissed. We raised Charlie for seven years. You and I, when his parents couldn't show up, you and I raised Charlie for at least seven years of his life. And then this other grandpa comes in after gambling for fucking forever. I didn't even know he could walk.

It's honestly, it's bullshit. I mean, who's the grandparent who gets up every couple of weeks and makes a bunch of clothes soup in the big pot? I knew that. I make the clothes soup in the big pot.

Grandma, grandpa, I'm back. It's me, Charlie. It's me. Your grandson, Charlie. I wanted to tell you that ever since I was given the chocolate factory, I've been living the high life. I've been living high on the dog. I have a mansion on the hill. I have millions of dollars.

Fuck you, Charlie. Fuck you, Charlie. What the fuck? Fucking pick another grandpa. Get out of here, Charlie.

Well, I just came to Grandpa Joe's shoes, so... Oh, please. Good day to you. I said good day. Good luck getting the shoes because they're part of my big clothes soup for the week. Welcome to Jamba Juice.

We didn't get it in. We didn't get it in.

Oh, buzzer beater.

Alright. Buy my trough.

Buy my trough. Buy my trough. Baby gonna buy my trough. Little piggy eatin' and gettin' a moth.

Gettin' the guy in the moth. Buy my trough.

Baby buy my trough.

That means believe me. Read my lips, buy my trough.

I promise it's true. By my troth, you're a little bitch.

By my troth, I did not put wood in that hole.

By my troth, you're a little bitch.

I promised you might be trothed.

You're might be trothed. Well, there's a couple more and I might save them for another day. And those are from Christine. So thank you so much, Christine. Thank you, Christine. Those are wonderful. I have one more riddle before plugs. These are from Mo. My name is Mo and I made this up. When is a tail, not a tail?

When is a tail, not a tail? When it's a story. When is a tail, not a tail? When it's spinning. When is a tail, not a tail? Ooh, amazing game. If you haven't played Undertale, one of the best video game experiences I've ever had in my life. I think Casey Tony recommended that to me.

When is a tail, not a tail? Oh, if they're driving too close. When they're driving too far away.

That's pretty good.

I'm just going to tell you, when it's a wagon... Oh, schnapps.

Oh, schnapps.

I would like to see a scene.

Uh-oh.

JPC, you're the Lorax, and you're warning us about whatever you want to warn us about.

Excuse me, good sirs. I see that you're dining on this beautiful day when the sun's up here shining. But did you know with your carbon emissions that soon you'll be causing some nuclear fission? That's right, as you smoke and you eat and you drink, all of the world's going straight down the sink. Individual consumers can stop this kerfuffle.

All you must do is the energy shuffle. I am the thorax. I don't mean to smother. I am here because I'm the Lorax's brother. I'm talking to, in a pace that's actually quite loose, to welcome you all to this Jamba Juice scene.

He was gonna get there, Adal. J.P.C., I know you were gonna end with a Jamba Juice rhyme.

Were you gonna end with a Jamba Juice rhyme? Hey, I'd like to think that I was, but I just don't know. I just don't know.

I know. I know. I know.

Erin, is there is there anything else that you know maybe something about you that you would like to share with the world?

I got nothing. Hell yeah. Adal, anything to plug?

A few things to plug. One, like that was just mentioned two minutes ago, please play Undertale if you've ever played it again. One of the absolute top three gaming experiences of all time. It's on the Switch. Undertale rules. If you play it, let us know how you like it. Also, I want to give a huge plug and shout out to Bluey. Season 2 just came out on Disney Plus. 51 new episodes. I gotta tell ya, Bluey's the best thing going on TV. You gotta watch it. And then a few podcast appearances I made recently that you're gonna want to check out. I was a guest on Murder She Joked. That's Murder She Joked. Please check out that podcast. It was a very good time. And also I just appeared on a Good Friends podcast, Mr. Jeff Griggs, so I assume you two know...

Author, producer. I know of Jeff Graham.

Cubs fan. He's wonderful. I appeared on his new podcast, Bullshit Alert. So please check out Bullshit Alert. Follow their Twitter, whatever you want to do, and listen to me try and bullshit some stories or not on Bullshit Alert. Check it out. OK. JBC, anything to plug? And also plug it as the Lorax? Fun? OK. There you go. Fun. Gift? Gift? Question mark?

I am the Lorax, and I'm here to say that I'll tell you something that brightens my day. It's hearing from fans on email or Twitter. When I read what they say, it gives my heart a flitter. But I'd also like to say that the ones that are best Are the Patreon people for they help afford me this vest? No, but I would like to say thank you to all of the people that support us on Patreon. I just thought about this the other day, how like wild and lucky it is that we get to do something like this and have fun. And it's in large part to the people that support us. So thank you for all of you that do that. And if you want to make that choice, you can go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and support us as well. I think that I see a Jamba Juice in the sky, hurtling ever closer to us. Do you know where I'm looking? Oh shit.

My brother?

Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Casey Tovey could be editing.

Ooh, the converting's moved along pretty nicely, almost done. We'd love to see it. Yeah, and you can go ahead and open all that porn back up. It's not converted. My man, I already did it on my phone.

What about my porn? What should I do with my porn?

Nothing you can do can take me away from my porn.

My porn. That's our opening, that's our opening.

Hey there guitars and bass. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another episode of the Name That Tomb game. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or the Review crew for $8 a month. See you there!