Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

I'm the one who wants to riddle you.

Deep inside I know the puzzle's true.

I'm the one who wants to solve them all.

Rapverse, JPC, I'm here to say.

That's Adal, that's JPC, and I'm Erin. But something's changed a bit since we last recorded. What's different?

Well, in the Zoom, I'm in the middle order.

No, no, no. I didn't get a haircut, so that can't be it. Adal's still yawning, so that's the same.

Well, I had a birthday, but I guess there's something bigger.

I knew you would do this.

I scooped the shit out of that. Goodbye birthday nuked! I believe the JPC had a little run-in with my man, John Luke Picard, because this dude is engaged.

Nice!

Okay, do you have one more? Picard, any Picard. I thought you meant more Star Trek jokes. Picard Any Card is pretty good.

Oh, I didn't pre-plan any jokes for this. Neither did I. Let's see what I want to say. Were we supposed to pre-plan jokes?

Yes. The only thing that I asked you from as an engagement present was a pre-plan jokes for the episode. Yes.

I like that you said do another joke and I made up one and then Erin goes, huh, I didn't pre-plan any jokes.

What the fuck is that? Take that as a compliment. I thought they were so good that they must have taken time.

Pretty much anything that you say, Adal, seems at least rehearsed. At least you gave it like a whatsoever.

So it seems like anything I contribute to any conversation, I have a stockpile of ten jokes waiting, just hoping someone will ask me for more.

That's how dumb my brain is.

You couldn't be more right.

Oh, okay.

It seems like every time that I see you, you have maybe 10 minutes earlier rehearsed the whole thing.

It's like watching Jeopardy on Pacific Time and then watching and saying all the answers. JBC, tell us about your engagement.

Um, well, as we all know, I got engaged, but not just me, me and my now fianc, Mariah. Gotta get it. Yay! It was fun. So she was, you know, during the whole pandemic, she obviously was not seeing her family who lives in Florida, and they moved during the pandemic because they had built a house on the other, they lived in Miami, they moved to the other side of Florida. They call it like, it's so funny, people from Florida call it the East Coast and the West Coast, and I'm like, you can't just say the West Coast. That's wild. If your parents say they move to the west coast, that means California. It means like Oregon. It does not mean the, say Gulf Coast. Like I think that that's what it's called. Anyway, just some local Florida observations. And it's not a terribly wide state, right? I mean, I don't know. It's definitely a long state, but I think it might be a wide state. Maybe two or five hours from coast to coast. Florida's fucking huge. It's bigger than it has any right to be.

So JBC, she went to go visit her parents?

Yeah, so she went to go visit her parents and so I, a few weeks before, called her parents to let them know that I was going to be proposing and then we basically worked out like a plan to get her, they would get her to the beach at sunset and then I would meet them at the beach and then propose there with her and her brother and her parents there. and so and yeah it basically like she didn't suspect a thing we were like texting right before I like as I was walking towards her we were texting and I was like send me some pictures from the beach like I wish I was at the beach with you and then she was like sitting down she'd like just sat down in her in her lawn chair to like watch the sunset and I Hi everyone! Hey Riddle. I wish you would have I wish you would have said like will you marry me and she says yes and then she's like God you look so much like my boyfriend back I did I did as I proposed she was like I said she was pretty taken aback because she didn't understand like process what was happening at first so we I like slowed it down a little and then I asked if she would marry me and she was like I was like, I'm gonna need a verbal yes or no.

Are you laughing at me? Because that sucks.

Legally, I do have to hear the word.

She's like, oh sweetie, I left you.

But when the ring that I got her, she had given me a long time ago her ring size or her approximate ring size. And so I went with the larger end of her ring size, knowing that the last thing I wanted was for not to be able to put it on her finger at all, but knowing that they would resize it. They can get the ring resized. So when, of course it was a little too big, so she had to take it to get resized as soon as we got back. But they resized, they were like, yeah, just bring it in and we'll resize it. But what that means is bring it in and we'll ship it to San Francisco and they'll resize it and then ship it back. So now she, as soon as we got back, she doesn't have a ring for two weeks. So everyone's like, oh, let's see the ring. And she's like, I don't, I can't.

It's such a I underestimated this.

I took all the things that you gave me and I have one million more questions.

JBC, I was so excited that you got engaged for a million reasons because it's so nice to see you happy. You two are so great together. It's amazing. It's just so nice to see two wonderful people fall in love. But I was the most excited that because you told us a couple weeks before you proposed that you were planning on doing it and I got scared that I was gonna sleep call her and tell her everything. And that's what my fear is for any surprise that people are planning, is that I'm going to fuck up. Just blur it out. I was going to see her and then I was like, Erin, you don't really talk to her that much. We're not running into her as much as you used to.

You run in social circles, but social circles don't really exist that way right now.

Exactly. I used to run into her way more. I'm not gonna... and then she responded like an Instagram story of mine or something or I don't know we interacted and then I was like oh god oh like I was typing so carefully as if I were accidentally gonna type JPC is about to propose.

Happy Merry Christmas Mary, ring in the new year, have a little lamb.

Weddings, weddings, you're bride, bride. Hi bride, I mean...

Bright Bride. What's funny is I had talked to her parents, obviously, and they knew, and I was like, I didn't, I don't think that they would be great at keeping secrets. Turns out they did, and they did a really great job. But I was like, there's a chance that this, you know, well, while Mariah was there with her family, she was having a really great weekend, like talking with her family. She had talked to her dad about the idea of us getting married. And she was like, I think that we've talked about getting married, we're going to get married. Like, I think that he's the one. And her dad, like, got skeptical because he was like, Did he tell us because they're planning on getting married, like they're already engaged? He thought that we might already be engaged and we might be fooling him and that he was gonna show up to this beach and there was gonna be like some others like a wedding waiting for him there.

Am I gonna show up when my daughter's pregnant?

Which I thought was very funny how, like, he almost spilled the beads because he thought we were double crossing him.

Whoa. Oh, thank goodness that didn't happen.

Oh, yeah, it was... He works for the FBI, right? The Florida Botox... Yeah. Stop it.

He just pre-planned, this is what I'm talking about. I saw him read that off a sheet of paper. I'm pulling back the curtain here, guys.

I only learned a joke that fell off a cliff. And Adal, you turned 28, so how was your birthday? I turned 39. It was very fun. We went to Las Vegas purely for the sake of going to the new Meow Wolf, which is one of my new favorite things is Meow Wolf, our immersive art installations. Very, very cool. Had a great time. Our friend Joey Romain joined me there, so that was a real treat. And I spent a lot of time betting on robotic mechanical horses. There's a little horse race machine in the casino, so that was very fun. Did you win anything? Yeah, because what happens is you bet a dollar on a horse, and there's six horses per race, and they each have odds. So it could be like two to one, could be nine to one, and every couple races there's a horse that's like 98 to one. So if you bet a dollar on it, you win $98. And I hit on a few of those over the course of several hours. So I was up a few hundred dollars. It was very fun. But Gemma got her phone stolen, so that was the one downer of the day. Okay, how'd it happen? Tell us the story.

Yeah, walk us through the whole thing.

A dog was barking at her, she threw the phone, the dog caught it perfectly in its mouth and ran off.

So Adal, you know I'm so happy that Gemma got her phone stolen, but I found out two weeks before her phone got stolen that it was gonna get stolen. I kept being like, oh my god, I hope I don't accidentally tell her.

It's such a funny story. The dog was like, Oh, you look so beautiful. Take off your shoes. Step into the fountain. I'll take a picture. You know, you do that. You step into the fountain. As soon as you do that, they're splitsville. That dog. It's, you know, quadruped. So it's four legs.

It's booking with that phone. And I got to say, if you're going to step into a fountain, do not step into the Bellagio fountain. You will find yourself 35 feet in the air screaming while Andrei Bocelli plays in the background. Erin, what's new with you?

Not engaged with us, right?

With the podcast?

Yeah, I'm not totally present. And it was an exciting week for you guys. That was awesome. I, my Chicago move kind of got delayed. All my furniture's gone, except for the essentials. My moving truck came on Tuesday, but I'm still in Chicago for a job for a couple more weeks. And then I get to go to LA and I'm excited.

I like that you phrased that you get to go.

Yeah. I get to stay here now, which is lovely. And then I get to go there later, which is also lovely.

We're very excited for your move. LA in the summertime, the perfect time to step foot in LA.

I love it.

Show up and kiss an avocado.

I'm really excited that you're both going to be planning weddings and it's going to be like a competition, right?

Yeah, well my goal is to get mine in before Adal's.

Yeah, well my goal is to get mine in before you, and then we both have an agreement that whoever has the better Drax costume during the wedding, who dresses like Dave Bautista as Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy, whoever has the best makeup and costume for that wins, ruins their wedding but wins. The theme for our wedding is Drax race, so it's RuPaul's Drax race. And I recently just got vaccinated so my skin is turning blue.

So I think that you guys should like fight over the venue, fight over your officiant, your best man, and so but by the end of it you guys realize that your friendship is what mattered.

Yeah. I hope so too.

I hope so too. But I will be rating and ranking your weddings.

Oh no. There should be a Yelp for weddings. It should be called WELP.

It is funny though, because when we got engaged, we were like, oh, let's, let's like, let's take, obviously let's take some time and like not even think about the wedding because it doesn't matter. Let's enjoy just being engaged. And then like the next night, it was like one in the morning. We were like, what about this for the, what about this? Should we do this? And I was like, what are we doing? Like already, what are we doing?

That's so fun though.

It's fun how fast it creeps up.

Well, I think we're all caught up with each other. Should we get the episode started? Yeah. I would love that. I'm going to hit record here. So, Erin and J.P.C., we have something interesting today. Oh, okay. So, Erin, as we have just mentioned, you are about to move to Los Angeles.

People are going to start thinking that I'm lying. We've been saying this for so long.

Start thinking. People already do. Erin, famously, L.A. or Los Angeles, as it's sometimes known, is also known as Silly Clown Valley. And in Silly Clown Valley, there's a lot of tech jobs that you might have to get once a podcast goes away.

Silly Con's more like Northern California, but of course.

Silly Clown's Northern California? My apologies. This guy's double shit. You don't know anything. JPC, you used to work sort of a tech office job. You worked it for several years while you were a close friend of mine. I couldn't tell you anything you did at that job. My guess is that you sat at a desk and ate books.

You met your fianc.

You met your fianc there. Eating books? At some point, again, you don't currently have an office job, but at some point you might have an office job again. So here's what I want to do. I want to set my two friends up for success. So what I have for you today is this entire episode is going to be one riddle. But it's a very important riddle because answering this riddle, or puzzle, could land you a job. Now what I have here is a brain teaser, is how they phrase it, that Google uses to possibly vet and hire employees. Does that sound good?

Okay, so perhaps if I get this right, Google will come a-knocking on my door.

Well, they'll send a drone to knock on your door.

Well, yeah, I mean, look, I want nothing more than to work for Alphabet because as we all know, if you start working at Google, they clear your search history. That's the first thing that they do and daddy needs it because that thing could go through a car wash if you know what I'm saying.

Can touching a spider get it pregnant?

Incidentally, it's mostly car wash related searches that would get me the most trouble.

I'll be honest, my Google search is all David straight aired and I've never once spelled it right.

And that's humiliating. I can't have it out there.

Every time I see that guy, I think, where do I know him from? And then Google him.

Good light and good fuck. So we're gonna just spend our time on this one puzzle, this one riddle, this one brain teaser because It's a bit of a doozy, so what I need from the two of you, and also me, is for the next 45 minutes, we gotta be fully pot committed. We gotta try our best. What I'll say is, due to the nature of this brainteaser, if you want to use the internet, godspeed. The only thing I ask is that you don't straight up Google this question and try and get the answer to it.

But wouldn't that be savvy of me? Isn't that the point? Is that I use the search engine Google?

Maybe that's why Google does it, is because they see if you use Google

I know your little tricks.

And if you don't, they're like, oh, you're over 60. Goodbye. So here's, are you two ready for this?

Yes. I would also just like to say, we have had people send us emails before saying that riddles that we did on the show were used in job interviews that they did. Oh wow. Again, Adal, just go ahead and go blank for this next part. I interviewed a lot of people at my job. Okay, you can come back Adal. I'm talking about my job. And I never once did riddles because I think that that's like insane.

What was your gotcha question when you would interview people? Is this your legal name?

It's not your legal name. Well, I guess you did change it. It is legal, yeah. Okay, here's a brain teaser that Google uses for a job interview. Now, I've since been told, a little birdie told me, Twitter, that this is no longer used in the interview question, so we're not spoiling anything if you're going in for a job interview.

So I can get a legacy job at Google. Yes, exactly. I could get a job like four years ago.

Okay, here's a question. Okay. How many golf balls fit into a Boeing 747? A hundred. That's it. Well, what do you guys want to do for the rest of the... A hundred. How many golf balls fit into a Boeing 747? Now, we can all talk through this. Again, you can use the internet. And I thought to put some more handcuffs on us. So what I want to do is the only scenes we can call for in this episode either have to be golfing or on an airplane.

Come on!

Okay.

No, I'm into that.

Okay, gentlemen, I'm into that, and I agree to those terms.

Okay, okay.

I am writing down, and I just wrote it, and then you're gonna see me rip it out of my notebook.

Okay.

What I believe the answer to this riddle is, okay?

Okay. I'm gonna fold it. Erin's holding up a piece of paper that says, Adal, I will pay you $10,000 to stop this.

Yeah, no, I'm not. I legitimately wrote it, I'm folding it up, and I'm gonna put it at the front part of my computer, and I'm not gonna touch it again. I'm gonna play this game. I'm gonna spin the wheels of this episode, pretend I don't know it, do some crazy weird guesses, and at the end you'll see that I knew it the entire time. It's on this little piece of paper, okay? Deal?

Okay, we cut perspective to the other camera on Erin's computer. It's filled with thousands of little pieces of paper, all with different guesses on them.

But that would be pretty cool if I did that.

That would be cool. This whole time you're just out of frame writing more and folding more and writing more and folding more.

Perfect. Okay, I'm ready to solve this.

Okay, so I will say, Erin, oh boy oh boy, I appreciate your enthusiasm, I appreciate your gumption, I appreciate your zeal and your attempt, but I will say that this isn't necessarily, this is for both you and JPC, I'm just going off of your responses, which is 100 and then I wrote it down in this paper and I got it. This isn't necessarily like a carnival game jar full of jelly beans.

No, it's a clever little something, you know?

So I think just so that we fully use this full episode, I think we have to kind of talk through it and... So it's not 100?

Okay, well here. I can start us off. So first off, you're going to want to know how big the average golf ball is. I, of course, being the man about town, world traveler that I am, use the metric system. So a golf ball is probably about a meter. This is the 747. Now again, this is non-metric, so that 747 means 747 feet. That's how deep the airplane is. You have to convert that into metric. So the conversion there... I want to see a scene. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, we can see a scene. It's going to take me a second to do the 747.

Okay, based on JPC saying a deep airplane, I want to... JPC, you're on a date. It's at an airport, so we're protected by my rules. Okay. You're on a date at an airport with a very deep sort of deep and emotional and philosophical airplane played by air.

Well, they don't let people just out here on the tarmac like this. It was very kind of cool going through security. Thank you so much.

Yeah, man. Can you believe I can fly?

I mean, yeah. Honestly, yes, I can. I grew up kind of not fetishizing, obviously, but just around airplanes. And it's really cool. It's really cool that you can fly.

Yeah. And sometimes like when I'm up there, I'm just like, I'll have this like wave of self-awareness, you know? And then I'll be like aware of that self-awareness of like, yeah, I'm an airplane. That's my identity. I'm supposed to be up there. But then I go like, I'm made of metal and steel. And someone figured out how to get me up here and have everyone. Sometimes people fall asleep on me, man. That's crazy. Do you want to take another hit of this?

Uh, no, I don't think so. I mean, that's jet fuel, so that I think that would knock me on my ass.

Pretty hardcore. Sorry to interrupt. Did someone drop a copy of Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?

Get that fucking out of here. Fucking motorcycles, dude. They're the anti-airplane. Wanna know why?

Uh, yeah, sure. I mean, I did tell you I drive a motorcycle, right?

What?

Yeah, I mean it's, you know, it's a Kawasaki. It's mostly for speed.

Oh, disgusting. Dude, airplanes when they make noise, it's sort of like an apology. Like, yeah, I'm so sorry I'm making all this noise when I take off or I fly over your head, but I'm a fucking airplane and I'm in the sky and it's a miracle and that's why I'm making noise. And motorcycles are just people who are not getting enough attention in their day-to-day life and they need to make as much noise as possible as they pass people. Get out of here, man.

Look, first of all, I think you're great, but you're an airplane, and you only talk about being an airplane. No I don't.

I can talk about other shit.

That's a red flag. I'm a dentist, son, and you don't see me only talking about having my dad be a dentist.

No, but I constantly see you, like, looking at your teeth in the reflection of things.

That's because he did them wrong. That's because he damn did them wrong. And I told him that. I said, you're doing it backwards.

Man, I'm more than just kidding.

Nobody has this many teeth in their throat. I know he did it backwards.

I have wheels, dude. I have more to my identity. I eat birds sometimes.

So you're still talking about being an airplane?

No, I'm not. I saw a movie recently that was in time meet. I saw... I've watched a bunch of random episodes of the bird notice because that's what we play.

Okay, well, you know, again, like the media that you consume is not a personality.

Yes, it is. I've seen Season 3 Episode 2 of Superstore seven million times.

I mean, who are you? What do you want to do? What are you lust for in life? Like, what is your passion?

Can I tell you the truth? What's that? Can I tell you a secret about me? I am.

I want to be the son of an ear, nose, and throat doctor. Same.

You're not supposed to have any teeth in your throat. Not just too many teeth in your throat.

I love the phrase, I've seen a movie inside me. JPC, I have to imagine when you said you have a Kawasaki, I have to imagine you on top of a cow drinking sake and thinking it's a motorcycle. Maybe every once in a while after you swallow your sake, you go vroom!

Yeah, and I think a Harley Davidson is just like a 450 pound guy with a big mustache. That's a burly Davidson. I'm sorry, that's a burly Davidson. You're thinking about Harley Quinn.

I googled a 747 plane, and I'm just going to look into it.

Yeah, just look around. Tell us what you see. Tell us any sort of tidbits or factoids. I don't really golf. I love putt putt. I love mini golf. I've never actually golfed. I've been to a driving range.

You don't golf? That's weird because they close more podcast deals on the golf course than they do in the boardroom.

But you like mini golf, right? Everybody likes mini. I love mini golf. Well, here's the thing. I can't remember, like this could be totally wrong. I feel like somebody once told me the difference between mini golf and putt putt is one, maybe it's mini golf is like novelty. That's what I like. I like novelty. I like slides and little loops and windmills and weird things. And then I think putt putt is just a green with a hole. So it's like practicing as if you're on an actual golf course. Practicing your putting versus the novelty of it.

Hold on. Hold on. If someone says let's go to a putt-putt place, they don't mean a golf course where you could do some putting practice.

No, but I think, but there is a difference. I can't remember exactly what it was. But you don't know the difference!

I'm talking out of my ass. Saying there's a difference between butt and mini golf and not knowing what that difference is, is functionally the same thing. I'm trying to start a conversation.

I'd like to see a scene. You two are on maybe like a third or fourth date with each other. And Adal, you're like a little put off and peeved because you thought mini golf was going to be like something else.

You thought you were... Sorry, a little put off.

Oh my god, he wrote, he read that!

I can see him reading it! It's on my hand. Sorry, you said we're on a third or fourth date and I'm a little put off because why? You thought mini golf was going to be something different. Oh, great.

I mean, we could just try to just kind of do it and have fun doing the thing that... Okay, yeah, yeah.

That's fine. Okay. But I forgot I do have to get to bed early, so I'll probably head out in maybe ten or two minutes.

If you want to go, we don't have to do that. I'm sorry, you just got in that big fight because you thought that the teenager who was working behind the counter had some sort of shrink ray and he could shrink you down and let you play the mini golf. Yes.

I honestly didn't know if you were joking with him. He thought maybe... No. He thought I was joking. Well now I'm embarrassed and I want to leave, Ted. Here's what's going on. Ever since I was a kid, my parents have told me mini golf is when someone hits you with a shrink, right? I mean, so far, that's science. So far, so science. You get down real small, then they shrink down a golf club. You can't be holding it when they shrink you, because then it'll go into your body. Then they shrink down a golf club, then they shrink down a golf ball, and then you play on a tiny little course that they've pre-shrunk. Now, my favorite movie as a kid was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, because there's a lot of mini golf in that.

Yeah, but, I mean, Dave, you're in your 30s. Like, you know you've never been shrunk down before, right? Like, you know that a shrink ray doesn't exist.

What? Excuse me? I know a shrink ray doesn't exist. How do you think they make rice? Tell me. How do you think they make rice? I mean, they grow it in patties. Have you ever seen a field of wheat? Yeah. And now tell me, how do they make mini wheats? They shred the wheat. They shred it? That's shredded wheat. How did they make mini-wheat? Well, they shred it and they reformed it into the mini-wheat. How- Did you ever see Driver? Yeah. How tall is she? Probably 28 feet. Now tell me about Mini Driver. Wait, how tall is she? Did I ever see Driver? You sound insane. I'm leaving. I'm leaving, Ted. You're talking down to me. I know what mini golf is. If you can't afford mini golf, I know it's probably expensive because of the whole science behind it. If you can't afford mini golf, just say that. Just take me to a fucking putt putt, okay? Look, I... You know what?

I guess I got embarrassed because I couldn't afford mini golf.

And here it is.

I know you suggested it, and as soon as you suggested it, I started sweating because I was like, I'm going to have to go to, you know, a scientist. I'm going to have to get blood work done to see if I'm a candidate for the shrink. And it's our fourth date, and I really wanted to have, you know, hopefully sex tonight. And I just wanted to try to impress you. Again, I couldn't I couldn't afford real mini golf and I apologize.

Well, that's fine. I just it just seems like you know, I don't because you've lied to me I don't I don't feel like this is going well, of course we can still have sex, but I feel like I I don't want to I don't want to be here anymore.

Well, that's fine I mean I can obviously see that this is not gonna work out. We're two different people. We come from two different socio-economic places Of course, we can still have sex, but I don't think that After today, I'm interested in seeing you anymore. Good. Fine. That's great. Fuck you.

I still want to have sex, of course, but fine. Fuck off.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. I can't help but notice you just went through a breakup.

Oh my God.

Not you. Not you, the other one.

Well, we both went through a breakup.

We took two people, went through a breakup.

But there's only one of you that I'm interested in.

And then it's not me?

Not you.

Okay. It's me?

Yeah. You may recognize me. My name is Driver. I'm gigantic.

I was gonna say, you're huge! Wow. You must be 28 feet tall with that movie.

You think when we play set, I'd be very little, but I'd be huge.

You're enormous. Wow.

Okay, well, I obviously see there's something going on here. I'm gonna take off. Of course we can still have sex.

Excuse me. I can't have a notice that you just went through a breakup.

Me or him?

Him.

Uh, yeah, I guess technically we both did, but yeah, I did just go through a breakup.

I'm a mini-wheat, and I would just absolutely love to take you out.

Okay, well, looks like uh... Hey, settle a bet for me. How are you made?

Shrinkrey, of course. See?

Shrinkrey, of course. Shrinkrey, of course.

That driver, Mini Driver-thing, had me crying. Your confidence in that is so funny. And JPC being like, what?

You see the movie Driver, right? Of course. You know, she's 28 feet tall.

It's a great joke, Adal, and I'm really glad you spent all week thinking about it.

I racked my brain coming up with jokes hoping that a scenario arose that I could use them and deploy them and it all worked out.

Okay, so.

Yes, what did you find?

I'm finding some interesting things. So I don't know what we're supposed to be leaning into. Should we actually try to figure out the math of this? You said it's not that.

Well here's what I'd say. I didn't say it's not the math. All I said was it shouldn't be treated as a carnival guessing game, right? I mean it could. It could. If you're going to really dig into it, a jar full of jelly beans, then absolutely it's like the carnival game. But if you were to just look at it and go, I don't know, 500, that's not going to get you to the job. So what I need you to do is just pretend I'm Google, pretend this is the actual interview process. You don't want to just toss out a number, probably. What is your take?

Wait, when you interview a Google, do you just ask them questions and they know all the answers?

Much like Erin Adal, I actually wrote something down as soon as you had asked the question and I think it's now is a good time for me to reveal what my answer to this is. I'm gonna put it in front of my camera now.

Okay, he wrote commercial break.

Okay, so let's take a quick commercial break and we will be right back with more of this riddle.

And JPC is on the nine hole, and he's about to hit the ball with a forward. Looks like he's trying to get the ball inside of an airplane. This should be a really easy shot. The airplane's top has been cut off, so he has a pretty wide base. Erin, what do you think about his... Oh, Erin, were you asleep?

No, no, I'm just trying to make sure that we don't wake up our baby while we announce. During the stealth tournament, we have to be very, very quiet and make sure our baby doesn't wake up. You make a very, very good point about the way that GBC has decided to play his game today. Do not wake up this baby. Do not. I won't. You wake him, you take him. Remember what I said? Excuse me? You wake him, you take him. That's what you say about babies. So if someone wakes up my baby, I say you wake him, you take him because I'm tired. Okay?

I'm tired too. Oh, you're tired. Who woke up at 4am?

Me!

But who hit you with their elbow to wake you up?

You did, you hit me with your elbow to wake me up. Hey honey, you know when you say... You guys see that?

Hit it hole in one! Oh no!

Our baby's awake and he said, you guys see that? He hit it hole in one. He's screaming! Our baby's screaming! I'm four! I die on! Perfect.

Welcome back from the ad break. What do we have? What are you two thinking? Let's talk about some ideas.

Let's start to tackle this beast. What are these plain facts that you have, Erin? You have some plain facts for us?

Yeah, I have some plain facts. So this is what I was thinking.

Okay. I'll accept any plain facts or any car foxes.

Oh, so I was like, I think what, if we're actually gonna have to do the math here, I was like, what are, what's the volume of a 747?

I know, I've been on a 747, you can't hear shit up there, so the volume's pretty bad.

Oh, you're right, it says you can't hear shit up there. Okay, so that's, write that down, that's kind of a number.

Oh, and I'm sorry, I misspoke. It's, how many golf balls fit into a Bose 747?

Oh, a sound Bose? A sound bar?

Okay, it's 65,000 cubic feet is the volume. So we could do the math and get approximate, but because golf balls are a very certain size... A meter. They're not a meter.

Okay.

But I'd like to meet her, the person who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life.

You've better. You've better.

Yeah, but I still have a million questions.

Yeah, she has the most beautiful dimples.

So, like, golf balls when you stack them, okay? When you have, like, golf balls when you stack them, Adal, look alive. Hello, Erin's doing work over here. She's a business bitch. She's a business bitch. Boss lady, business bitch. Boss lady, girl boss, business bitch. She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch.

She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch. She's a boss lady, girl boss, business bitch. Doing the math, writing it down. Golf is expensive, not the point because I can afford it because I'm a boss, lady, girl, boss, business bitch. Doing the math, writing it down, doing the work. She's wearing a skirt tomorrow because she can do whatever she wants. She's a business bitch. Send the email. Send it back. reply to the email. It went to trash. It's not trash. She's a business bitch. Girl boss, lady boss, business bitch. She's a bitch.

Straight up bitch. One sneaker, one high heel. One sneaker, one high heel.

We call her a bitch because she's good at her job. We call her a bitch because she's good at her job. That's how we make women feel bad. We call them a bitch because they're good at the job. She's writing it down. Ma'am. Ma'am. Business bitch.

Rap first. JPC I'm here to say.

Sorry guys. I had to do my girl boss rap business bitch.

That you pre-planned.

I was going to say that golf is expensive. Golf balls especially are one of the more expensive parts about golf because you have to buy them individually and once it goes down that little hole at the very end you can't get it back. So it's basically only good for one use and then you have to go back to the beginning and buy it again.

Yeah, a lot of people don't know that golf holes are naturally occurring. So a lot of, you know, a lot of what people do is they, landscapers wait for a hole to naturally occur through Mother Nature's beauty, and then they build a golf course around it. Of course, like JPC mentioned, when a golf ball goes into one of those holes, it gets eaten alive in the center of the earth, and you have to buy a new one. So, pretty wild stuff. Okay.

And I come from a family where multiple members of my family are golf course superintendents. And what that job entails is just finding a golf course, being its protector, and then keeping the demons at bay that live underground that eat all the balls.

Do they provide the sword or do you have to bring yours from home? You find the sword?

It's usually like you pull it out of a cloud or a rock.

Hey Riddle. Just the size of the golf ball isn't an indicator because there's going to be some empty space to get them in. So we have to factor in that empty space. There has to be space between in order for them to fit. So it's not going to be totally an accurate number.

That's a wonderful point. Not only is there going to be space in between because of the circular nature, the spherical nature even, but also as hinted at earlier, golf balls have dimples. So that also eats into some space.

They have what? I'm Dimples Focker.

Can you milk a golf ball? Can you golf me?

I'm gonna do some scenes, but lady boss, girl boss, business bitch over here has an equation that she's working on, but I'll go slow so we can fit in some more media comedy.

Okay, I'm looking at your chalkboard and it just says, for lunch, what?

Yeah, I'm working on it. I didn't say I was finished. Also, is this a standard 747? Like, it still has all of the seats in it. It's got all of the... Oh yeah. Okay, good.

This just landed. It just de-boarded and then... Okay, de-plained. No, de-boarded. De-plained, de-plained. There's so many... Because my fianc is a flight attendant... Stewart is. There's constantly... Sorry, I forgot we time traveled. That can't be right.

There's constantly things I say. It's always funny to correct people with the more archaic words that I'm supposed to say. If you do that to someone, their brain for a second goes, did I say it wrong?

Did I say stewardess? I love stewardess and third row from the sun. So funny. Where'd he go? I constantly will say stuff where I'm like, Oh, what time does everyone leave the plane party? And Jen was like, uh, the plane or the board? And I'm like, oh, yes, yes, yes, sorry. I need to learn the terminology.

She knows the lingo. Oh, okay. So this is the issue I'm having here.

Yes.

As someone who isn't quite listening to when you guys are talking because I am doing the work over here. Okay. So I got a number and I was like, that's way too many. And then, you know what I wasn't considering? Is all the shit that's inside of an airplane. The seats are taking up space. The other nonsense, the snacks and stuff. The life rafts. And the built-in compartments and everything like that.

Plus what's that meat that they keep on airplanes? That takes up so much space.

There's overhead compartments, there's seats, there's all kinds of controls and food stores and bathrooms. But also, I mean, the golf balls could go into the overhead compartments. The golf balls could be, you could rip open a seat and stuff some golf balls in there.

Well, yeah, but then if you rip open a seat, seats aren't hollow, you're taking something out. So are we allowed? I could stuff a human being full of golf balls. If I'm smuggling golf balls, I could fit 30, 40 golf balls in a person. Am I allowed to do that?

Sure, do whatever you want.

I don't care. I could, like, I could Dark Knight Joker them and, like, he said he would put all the bright lights into my stomach and he'd fix me with his golf balls. Then the man blows up? You know, that movie. You know, the man blow up? When the Joker puts all the golf balls inside of the man.

Wait. Okay. So am I allowed to... So there's the main cabin and then there's like the storage underneath.

Oh yeah.

And then there's the front part.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

And the question is how many golf balls could you fit inside a 747? That's the question. Inside. Interesting.

Interesting. Well, we're 42 minutes in and JPC has just understood the question.

Well, inside. Inside is the operative word there. Because can one truly be inside of a 7-4-7? Yes. Most people are if they get inside of one to travel. 747, Erin, correct me on this one because I can't remember the layout. Is that the one where it's like two seats on each side and the strip in the middle? The three seats in the middle? Or is it a three and two? Or is it a two and two? Or is it a three and three?

Has anybody googled the size of a golf ball?

I told you it's a meter. We don't need a Google show.

We already know.

Oh, I did. Oh, I didn't Google that. I Googled how many golf balls can fit inside of a cubic foot.

Now we have to assume, and I'm here to help out, I'm here as a resource, we have to assume golf shrimp are probably roughly the size of a golf ball. And when I go to a buffet, Erin you wouldn't know anything about that, I can probably eat my weight in golf shrimp. So I weigh 205 pounds. So that's about 205 pounds of golf shrimp. So picture me, if I was made of golf balls. Okay. That's about 205 pounds. Hold on, hold on, saving that image. Can we come back to that? Okay, go ahead. My balls are up here. So that's about 205 pounds of golf balls.

A golf ball is 1.6 ounces. Okay. 445.93 grams, the same amount of grams as a human soul.

Ooh!

They've weighed people.

Okay. After he died and we removed that golf ball, he was 1.6 ounces lighter. Interesting.

Interesting. 1.6 ounces. Canonically, I would drink 3, 4 ounces of my own urine for $800. So we're talking about 2 golf balls worth of urine.

How much space does it take to fill up a bowing for it? I'd like to see a scene. JPC, I'd like you to be a flight attendant. Yeah. And Erin, I want you to play a Karen who's screaming because she's gonna be late for her golf trip.

Hey, excuse me, you're late to the scene, okay?

I'm sorry.

You're even late to the scene. Oh my gosh, I started like 30 seconds before you even... Oh my god, unbelievable.

Ma'am, what boarding group are you in?

What boarding group are you in? I'm practicing my impression of you that I'm going to show to your manager later.

Ma'am, please.

Ma'am, please do not insult me. Do not talk down to me. No, ma'am.

What?

The FFA says that you have to be nice to me and you have to respect me. Otherwise, I am allowed to karate chop you in the throat.

No, no. I'm going to use my tears against you. No, no. No, I'm a white lady. I could use this.

There's been too many videos of you hitting us and so now the Sky Marshal deputized everyone on the flight staff before we took off and said if anyone gets in your grill you are allowed to cry to chop them in the throat.

Everyone can see me crying because this man said I can't go golfing.

Ma'am, I just asked what boarding group you're in because you're straddling in between the two restrooms of the plane and I need you to either choose one or go back to your seat.

Let me guess, you got vaccinated as a child?

Yes, I did. Did CNN tell you that? Did CNN tell me that I got vaccinated?

Did CNN tell you that?

No, I was a child. My parents were the ones that made that decision. I was a child.

Let me tell you something about the service industry. I ordered a quesadilla from you about an hour ago, and I'm still waiting on that. And I would like a drink, my drink refilled. Thank you.

Well, first of all, ma'am, that is, it appears to be a 24-ounce Coke full of scotch that you brought on the plane, which you're not allowed to do. Second of all, you didn't order a quesadilla from me. I watched you order a quesadilla from a different flight attendant. We are not all the same. We don't have quesadillas on the plane.

Hello, I'm so sorry. We get confused a lot. We sound, I've been told, very similar. I was the flight attendant you ordered the quesadilla from.

Oh, what? Where is it?

Well, I was humoring you. If you picked up on social cues, I rolled my eyes and said, oh, a quesadilla, of course, because I thought you were joking. We don't serve quesadillas.

And also I thought this was a Chili's. So, excuse me. And also while we're on the subject, ma'am, I would like to return these pants that are covered in blood, not my own. And I want a full refund and not store credit. I want it in cash.

I didn't sell you those pants. And I have to say, I hate your sweatshirt that says, I found a Riesling to live.

The customer is always right! The customer! It's me! I'm always right! The customer is always right. I'm the customer. It's always right.

I would like a KCD a please. Ma'am, I am back. I went up to the front of the plane real quick. I did check with the Sky Marshal. He said I have not only permission to karate chop you, I can also do a karate kick. Or I can do... Have you seen the original Mortal Kombat movie?

Hey Riddle. Okay.

Yeah, but Bicycle Kick is the correct reference, right? Yeah.

Guess what? I just left you a scathing review. Oh, you're filming me now. You're filming me? Well, I can film you, bitch.

Well, we're not being insane. I'm sorry. We're not filming. I'm an undercover boss. I'm Johnny Delta, so this is an episode of Undercover Boss that they're filming.

And I'm a lady boss. I'm a lady boss baby business bitch.

You never forget how to bicycle kick. I'm a boss baby. What was I saying?

Sean and I got into a fight in a car at a road trip. I think I told you guys this because I was trying to explain the plot to a boss baby to him. And he was like, Erin, this doesn't make sense. And I was like, what do you mean it doesn't make sense? The babies start in heaven. They're on a conveyor belt. Some of the babies become real babies and some of the babies become boss babies. What aren't you getting?

What's so confusing?

Boss babies are grownups right away, but they're in baby bodies, but they're business boss babies. The other ones are regular babies. Alec Baldwin gets sent to be a regular baby. He was just like, I don't, this doesn't make any sense.

Outstanding. So where do we leave it on this riddle, on his brain teaser? Boss babies aren't real though, right?

No, they're real. Okay, so yeah, so you could have a... Just because I'm asking for a friend of mine who may be considering having kids one day and just to make sure that boss babies are

They are real. She could have a boss baby.

Okay. So I've been told that if you are expecting a child, be prepared because if you have twins in your family, it could be twins. And I'm assuming that if you have boss babies in your family, there's a higher chance that it could be... Yeah, that it could be a boss baby. Okay, cool.

But some people want a boss baby. Some people want to give birth to Alec Baldwin.

Both of my brothers were boss babies and growing up with them was, I will say, harder.

Firing you, hiring you.

Yeah, for my parents especially.

The way to tell is if you're pregnant and you're close to your due date, if your water breaks and you look down and it's actually hot coffee, you have a boss baby.

Oh, okay. So I've found out from a friend of a friend that they were having a boss baby. I went to a ginger reveal party. They lit off fireworks. They started a forest fire. And then the fire burned in the shape of Alec Baldwin's face. And so then they knew that they were having a boss baby.

Oh, wow. Have you ever gone to an employment reveal party?

I've not. I know. I missed yours. So a million apologies again. I was so sleepy that day.

I'm a temp. It's fine though. It's fine.

It's fine. It's good.

It's better. I had no idea. I told the baker, don't let me know. But yeah, it's a bummer, but we'll see.

Well, I'm trying to do this riddle.

Okay. Talk us through what you got. Is this riddle going to involve math?

Is it going to involve math? I'm assuming it is. I'm functioning like it is.

Okay. What are we thinking?

I'm thinking that Sean showed me a video yesterday about how aliens are probably real and have been around for a while, and now it doesn't feel like anything matters anymore.

Erin, I told you a million times, stop watching A Man in Black. It is not a documentary.

You guys, they're real. And Will Smith is not going to live forever to protect us.

We're all living on a dog's collar.

No, but I'm serious. I think aliens are like maybe real and now I'm just going to start straight chilling from now on because nothing else matters.

Didn't Obama just come out with some statement about how things change if we ever find out aliens are real or something?

He endorsed an alien for the 2020 midterms. That's what it is.

I want to see a scene. So there is a flight that's in the air. And while it's in the air, while the flight is in transit, an alien beams on board and starts to announce their run for presidency. Let's have JPC and I will be passengers. Erin, you'll be the alien candidate. Okay. Oh, can you pass me the Time magazine that's in the back of the back of your thing there?

Sure, yeah. Oh, it's already filled out. Do you care? You already did the time? I didn't know. It was on the... I guess it was someone filled it out on the play before me.

Zorp! Bing! Wow! Thank you so much for coming out tonight, y'all.

What? What is this? You said Zorp, you pressed the call attendant button, and then you appeared.

Uh-huh. And let me... let's just talk a little bit about Career Politician.

I feel like my mind is bleeding from the inside.

In movies they acclimate to aliens so fast, but this is melting my brain I think I'll never be the same.

Good news son, that means you're not colorblind.

The taste in my mouth is like a new type of Skittle that I've never tasted before.

Oh yeah, and it's fuzzy too. Guess what? In order to understand and comprehend me, you've been introduced to a new sense. You got a sixth one now.

Why'd you deliver that like you're a blue comedy tour comedian?

I'm an alien of the people. I'm shaking tentacles. I'm kissing babies on the head. Which by the way, your heads are our butts.

I touch your tentacles and I can feel all of the organs in my body rearranging into new spots.

Good news, that means you're not colorblind, son.

Thank God.

I sort of look, sound, eat, ameliech kind of creature, but I sort of have the opposite approach. I'm not going to be taking money from these big businesses. I'm not going to be pandering to the media elite and the rich people.

I think every hole on my body has closed and then different holes have opened.

Exactly. And that's what I'm trying to bring to all the people, middle class citizens, I'm drinking all your water.

Okay, my fingers all have sphincters.

I'm tickling your memories. I'm doing what the people need. All right, everybody says hands in or whatever you think might be your hand at this point.

Okay, it's the whole body.

I'm reaching around, but my eyes can only see back into my head. I think he's handsome.

Zorp 2024 on three. One, two, eleven. Numbers work different for us.

Can I use a calculator?

Sure.

Use whatever the fuck you want.

But pencils down in five minutes.

This doesn't make for very good audio. Do you want me to talk about something else while I do?

Just talk about your thought process. So we talked about how the plane has a lot going on internally. There's the luggage storage. Is it okay? There's overhead compartments. This plane has a lot going on. Can you not kick the seats?

It's dealing with a lot right now. Okay, so... My guy is telling me we just have to, we have to think about how much space is actually on a 747. Erin, did you say that you had, what was the area of a 747?

The cubic, like the volume you mean?

Yeah, volume, the cubic feet.

Can I just say Picasso was so great at cubic faces, terrible at drawing cubic feet.

It says it has a volume of 876 cubic meters. Okay. Plus a cargo volume of 159 cubic meters for a total of 1,035. 1,035 cubic meters. I'll talk about something else while I do this because I...

Okay, so 1,035 cubic feet and then golf balls are, we said... There's 696 golf balls can fit into a cubic foot.

But, however, there's some shit on this plane. Snakes. Snakes. Carry-ons.

Yeah. We don't know if it's full of people. We don't know if we can use the cargo deck. So right now, Erin, with that math, we're looking at 720,360 or 720,360 golf balls. OK. Erin, you just gave me a great idea. And that's an empty plane.

That's an empty plane just full of golf balls.

I have an idea. OK.

I'm looking at the size of a seat.

OK. But also, some airplanes have different number of seats. Now, if this is an airplane from the 1950s, there's like four seats on the whole airplane, everybody's smoking cigarettes, and it's like flying in style.

If it's a seat from nowadays... Josh Ham is there.

They're cramming his mid... Yeah, Josh Ham. Well, it's got to be John Ham's father, because it's 1950. Fair, fair.

What is the size of...

Erin, you gave me a great idea a moment ago, which is I'm going to stitch a patch onto my luggage that I put in the overhead compartment that just says Wayward Sun. And when people ask me about it, I'll be like, that's my carry-on.

Isn't that fun? Okay, is this boring for people? I can start telling secrets.

Adal, I gotta say, I think that, I don't know that we're gonna get a better guess, so I think I gotta lock in. I'm gonna lock in at $720,000.

No, no, no. 360.

That's my lock.

That's my lock. Okay. We're at the final minutes of the episode.

No, hold on. I'm going to get this.

Okay.

Give me one second. Give me like a minute and 40 seconds starting now.

Okay, while she's doing that, JBC I want to see a scene. You are a pilot, I'm sorry, you are a regular person who's pretending to be a pilot.

Hold on, pilots are also regular people.

You got into the cockpit, the doors are closed, you're behind the controls, and you've just taken the announcement, you're just about to make an announcement, and as you're doing the announcements you realize you don't know what to say or what the typical announcement is.

This is your captain speaking. My name is Captain Billy. We're going to be going to Chicago today. The estimated flight time is 1 hour and 13 minutes. We're in Chicago. We're going to Malibu, California. That estimated flight time is 2 hours and 51 minutes. Looks like there's gonna be some turbulence, so nobody knock on the door and nobody asks any questions throughout the duration of the flight. I'm gonna turn off those no-smoking signs as soon as we get off of the air. Shouldn't do it, but I am. What else, what else, what else, what else? We have enough gas. We have enough passengers. Flight attendants are gonna come by right now and make sure everybody's belts are buckled, but it will not matter if something goes wrong. And the in-flight movie is Hope You Brought It Your iPad, because there is nothing on this flight. Okay, do we have any questions? Flight attendants, look for hands. Tell me if there's any questions.

Captain, we've just been doing donuts on the tarmac.

Okay, the donuts are on the house, as we say, in the old captaining business. So no charge on those donuts. And it looks like we've been cleared to take off. We do. Well, let's roll this bitch. Okay. Does anyone know how to use?

Okay. Okay. Um, JBC, what did you say for your answer?

720,360 golf balls.

Okay. I, with the volume of the seats, I'm going to go with

With the seats.

600 and 30. Erin, all this talk about volume.

What do you fucking vadals have soon?

Oh my God. Haircut. She's got the air balloon in the shower. And 35,000-ish.

Erin, will you open your paper and reveal to Adal and I what you had written down?

I will. Wait, tell me the answer and then I'll show you.

So JPC said 735,000? 720, and she said 630.

So 720,000, 630,000. Those are locked in. Erin, can we see the paper? And then I'll tell the answer.

It's gonna say fuck you or something. It says boobs. It does say boobs. And on the back it is like... Oh, sorry.

Sorry, it says 80,005. Uh-huh.

You guys want to know the answer? I would love to know the answer. And I love this. I got to get the search history clear.

First of all, I got to say thank you all so much for indulging me in doing one riddle per episode. This is what we should be doing more often. This is the smart way to conserve riddles. So the answer to the Silly Clown Valley Google offices brain teaser. How many golf balls will fit into a 747 produced by Boeing? The answer is... Boeing doesn't make 747s. You don't bury the survivors. The answer is, no one really knows. The whole point of this brain teaser is to see how you approach... Do you guys validate parking?

Do you guys validate parking?

I'm in the garage. Do you validate?

Adal, are you fucking kidding me?

I'm in the garage. Can I see your car? Is this your car here? Yeah, that's my car, yeah. Let me validate your parking.

Impressive.

Wow, good job. Wow, you fit into the corner so great. Okay, this sucks.

You're living on the line, wow.

It's a compact spot.

That riddle sucks and this show sucks.

So the whole point was to see what your journey was. It's not about the destination. It's to see what kind of critical thinker you are. It's to see if you panic or not. It's to see if you know how to dissect a problem piece by piece.

That's not a riddle.

But it's a life lesson. Erin, you got the job.

How'd the interview go? Oh, it was okay. How'd they do with the riddle? Well, they did like an hour, a little over an hour with some improv in there. They did some scenes. I've never seen anything quite like it, honestly.

I told them it had to be one at a time, but the three of them insisted. What do we think of this brain teaser?

Bad.

Yeah, I'm glad they don't do it anymore. It's stupid. And hey, I love what I do love is I love little arbitrary, you know, barriers to prevent people from having access to jobs, which they need for money and life. I think it's very funny how we just keep people back from that. We're like, hey, here's a little tricky puzzle for you. Let me ask you this.

I have three kids and I need this job.

I don't care. How many waffles would fit into a moon space station?

How many angels can fit inside my tongue?

Speaking of that, anything to plug, Adal?

Anything to plug for me. I would highly recommend going to either Santa Fe or Denver or Las Vegas and visiting Meow Wolf. Each space is different. Each has its own secrets and own story to unravel. Very good time. Check it out sometime.

JPC, anything to plug? Nothing new from me. Twitch.tv slash sharkbarkman on Twitter at jpsofly on Instagram at sharkbarkman. Erin, anything that you would like to plug?

I want to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. I am really enjoying a lot of the stuff that we're doing over there right now. It's some of my favorite episodes recently of our whole time together. What about this stuff we're doing here? It's good. It's the worst riddle ever, but it's fine.

I mean, you just listened to it. You be the judge.

You were here. Is this still good? Follow us on Instagram at HeyRiddleRiddle and Twitter at HeyRiddleRiddle and say hi to us. We have your little hands.

We have your little fingers.

Show us the little anuses on your fingers.

Speaking of anuses on fingers, Erin, I know I looked up online what kind of party that you vote for every four years and it's not necessarily Democratic or Republican or Green Party. It seems like you're voting for a different party, one that's all about not being colorblind. What party was that candidate from?

Jupiter!

Patriot Party, Trump 2024, baby!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Hey there shrimps and grits. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's our latest entry to the Better Know Estate series with Louisiana. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle and joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. See you there!